We Are Zombies (2023) Movie Script
1
[ominous music playing]
[zombie beggar groaning,
snarling]
[police sirens wailing
in distance]
[groaning, snarling]
[Freddy] Great.
Thank you very much! [grunts]
-What the hell, dude?
-[music concludes]
Spare change.
[Freddy] Hey,
you saw what happened.
Can I get another milkshake?
Fuck you.
["Penny for a Smile"
playing over radio]
Baby, I've been going
Kind of crazy
About this wicked way...
Skeleton Army
has betrayed you...
They now dance to your agony
as you burn to ashes.
-You are dead.
-[Freddy grunts]
-That's harsh.
-[car door closes]
You wanna know
what's harsh, okay?
This dead meat
asking me for money
with gold teeth in his mouth.
Unbelievable.
-Wait, take this! Take this!
-Watch it, Freddy! [grunts]
This is a limited
foil cover edition!
[Freddy] Hey, hey, I-- I noticed
you had no shoes.
He doesn't care.
[Freddy] And I wanted
to find out what-- [grunts]
Just kidding. [screams]
Gimme that.
-[Karl sighs]
-[exhales, laughs]
-[imitates zombie snarling]
-[sighs]
[grunts]
Don't put that
in your mouth, Freddy!
What?
What are you, a zombiphobe now?
You gotta stop doing this, okay?
You're gonna get us in trouble.
Survival of the strongest.
-Survival of the fittest.
-Whatever, dude, okay?
-He doesn't need it. I do.
-You need nasty gold teeth?
No! I need cash, okay?
Besides, what do zombies
needs money for anyway?
I guess earning money
is all they ever did
when they were alive. [chuckles]
What a bunch of losers.
-[both laugh]
-[cell phone ringing]
-Oh! Time to work.
-[Freddy clears throat]
[song concludes]
-Hey, Maggie!
-Hey, shit-face.
I've got another pickup for you,
and don't fuck it up this time.
Don't fuck up this--
No, we're not
gonna fuck up this time.
-Give us the info, Maggie.
-[upbeat music playing]
[tires screeching]
Ladies and gentlemen,
the dead are back.
[zombie growling]
[Judith] There's no
flesh-eating behavior,
nor hunger for brain,
they're just...
[inhales] ...here.
And that's the real disaster,
isn't it?
[Bill] So, you're saying
we have to relearn
our behaviors towards
the living-dead?
The less offensive term
would be living-impaired.
-[audience cheering]
-What do you think, folks?
[audience applauds]
[blogger] I lost my job!
They don't sleep.
How the fuck can we compete
with these damn zombies?
Rain. Rain.
Population has dramatically
grown by 175%
within the last six months.
It is now illegal for people
to dig up their loved ones.
Zombies you'd like to fuck.
[reporter] Protests are rising
all over the world as the undead
claim equal rights.
I'm Brad Thompson
for Coleman News. [sighs]
Good night,
and God bless America.
[both] We're invincible.
[music concludes]
-[doorbell ringing]
-[both sigh]
[Karl] Mister McKenna? Hi.
Coleman's Retirement Services
for the Living-Impaired.
-You called us?
-Yes! Uh,
thank you for coming...
[chuckles] ...so promptly,
-you guys are fast. [chuckles]
-[Karl] Yeah.
-Um... [clicks tongue]
...now, I want you to know
that we do love him, dearly,
and it was a hard decision
for us to make.
We totally understand, sir.
You see, it's my father-in-law,
and it's important for my wife
that he be treated with dignity.
-That is our policy, yeah.
-Okay.
My wife is very
fragile emotionally.
-So, if you could--
-[gun fires]
[Susan] Oh!
[operatic music playing
over stereo]
[Susan] Oh, Pop-Pop!
-[sobs]
-[Seth] What did you do?
I swear if you shot him
in the brain, I...
-[snarls]
-That was close.
[sighs]
How many times
do I need to tell you?
No more shooting at Pop-Pop!
You said it yourself, Pop-Pop
is just a fucking zombie.
[snarls]
[chuckles] Kids... [laughs]
...no, Pop-Pop
is living-impaired, hmm?
And the living-impaired
have rights,
so you can't shoot them, okay?
He's just like a...
[inhales sharply]
-...like a retard. Hmm? Uh...
-Hmm.
...we don't shoot retards,
-do we?
-[clicks tongue]
-No, we don't.
-[Karl] Listen, uh, sir.
[chuckles] I don't wanna be mean
and put pressure or anything
-but we're on the clock.
-[Seth] Yes, I... I'm sorry.
Please proceed
with the extraction.
-[Karl] All right.
-[Seth inhales sharply] Um.
-[groans]
-Okay.
-[grunts]
-[groans]
-Are you sure this is necessary?
-They're professionals, honey.
-[straining]
-[Karl] I think we got him.
[Pop-Pop groans]
Careful guys,
that chair is priceless.
-Yeah. Yeah.
-[groans]
[Freddy] This ugly bastard
is stronger than he looks like.
[straining]
[gasps, whimpers]
Totally normal.
[breathes rapidly]
Hey! Like new.
See what we had to
deal with every day. [chuckles]
Okay, I'm just gonna need
a signature right here.
Let's just proceed
to payment. Uh...
-[card reader beeping]
-Jeez. [groans]
The card reader,
it's messed up again, man.
Oh, what the heck is that?
That's really weird.
So sorry about this, sir, um...
Do you mind paying cash?
Here you go.
-Thank you.
-You did the right choice.
-Okay, come on.
-[Pop-Pop groaning]
Hey, pleasure doing
business with you, dude.
-I mean, sir.
-Bye-bye now.
[suspenseful music playing]
[Karl] All right.
[music concludes]
[doorbell ringing]
[operatic music playing
over stereo]
-[Seth] Hello.
-[Stanley] Hi. Mister McKenna?
Coleman Retirement Services
for the Living-Impaired.
I-- I believe your colleagues...
[chuckles nervously]
...have already taken...
-[groans]
-Honey?
[protestors]
Maddox Art is murder!
Maddox Art is murder!
Maddox Art is murder!
Maddox Art is murder!
Maddox Art is murder!
Maddox Art is murder!
Karl, my man!
Freddy, you're getting
depressingly uninspiring.
-What do you mean?
-[Don] Don't worry about it.
[Pop-Pop snarls]
What am I supposed
to do with this?
Come on, Don, it's not that bad!
His head is holding
on a pogo stick!
Exactly! Which makes him,
uh... inspiring.
Yeah, like the, uh,
the magnificent
head-spinning zombie, dude!
-Whoa! [cheers]
-Whoa!
-Whoa!
-See, art!
You wouldn't know art
if it bit you on the ass.
I'm not going to take this one.
-Don.
-Or at least, not at full price.
We have the certificate
of termination and everything.
He's legit, I mean,
you could do whatever you want
with him, you know, uh,
no one cares.
-I'll give you half.
-What?
-Take it or leave it.
-That is an insult.
There's no deal.
Come on, Karl, we're leaving.
Fine, you win. Half-price.
-What are you doing?
-[Karl] We're broke, remember?
Oh, my.
You have the softest hands.
I moisturize.
[inspirational music playing]
Oh, hi! I'm Bob Coleman.
And for years
we've been studying
the most complex structure
of the universe.
The human brain.
Each second,
a hundred billion neurons
are sending ten thousand
electro-chemical signals
making us behave the way we do.
That's why this
cute little creature... [laughs]
...makes you feel warm
and fuzzy inside.
At Coleman,
we're dedicated to unlocking
the secrets of the mind.
Help the research,
donate your loved ones
through our Retirement Services
for the Living-Impaired.
[music concludes]
-[gate clanging]
-[ominous music playing]
[alarm buzzing]
-Great.
-Hmm. Bye.
[music concludes]
[Karl] Your vampire hero
stands before Shiva,
the last god of evil.
And...
[country music playing
over stereo]
Shiva the Destroyer
destroys Dracula.
Huh.
Why don't you just
skip to the end?
What are you talking about?
That would be cheating.
The whole book is cheating.
I mean, look at Dracula.
He's all thin and handsome.
-He has to be thin and handsome.
-No, no, no, no.
See, blood is super rich, dude.
I mean, he'd be fat.
-At the very least, chubby.
-[man] Hey, Maggie!
Maggie, Maggie, Maggie! Listen!
Do you think Dracula, the king
of the undead, would be fat?
That is exactly why
I don't hang out with you guys.
-This and that ugly hat.
-This?
This is a hunter's hat,
and I'm hunting so...
-it's appropriate.
-Huh.
And I thank God everyday
we didn't come
from the same ball sack.
Huh. Thank you. That's nice.
Hey, Maggie,
I got you a milkshake.
Why?
You know I don't drink milk.
Well, milk builds strong bones.
-I'm lactose-intolerant, Freddy.
-Oh, I don't mind farts.
-Farts are natural.
-Stop.
Karl, just hand me my share.
Uncle Gary!
There's an ear
in my fries, again!
Yeah, I... I told the cook
about it,
but he couldn't hear me!
[splutters, laughs]
[Freddy laughs sarcastically]
Good one!
I'm gonna leave you
a bad review!
This time I'm serious!
[clears throat] Karl.
-[Karl] Yup.
-You're short.
Oh, yeah. Um... [chuckles]
...funny story.
Don, he paid us half
because it was damaged goods,
and, uh, that's not our fault,
technically so, uh...
-[Freddy] Mm-hmm.
-[Karl] Yeah.
Are you pissing down my back
and calling it rain?
[chokes]
No! We're not into that thing.
[inhales sharply]
It's a metaphor, you dumbass.
Look, can you just
trust me for once?
-Trust?
-[Karl] Yeah.
[Captain Picard toy]
Listen to your brother.
You know he's telling the truth.
Oh, oh, did you hear that?
Even the captain-- Hey!
You're a lying
piece of shit, Karl!
[Captain Picard toy] You're
a lying piece of shit, Karl.
That's a collectable.
Maybe we might have
beheaded the pickup.
Hey, hey, hey! Traitor!
-See, I knew it!
-No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no!
And this is horse shit, okay!
We're the ones doing
all the hard work
while you sit
on your fat ass all day!
-Hey!
-[chuckles] Oh, really?
Ow, ah, my knee!
[Maggie] Really, can you hack
into Coleman's system? Hmm?
-Any of you?
-[sighs]
I guess you'd ask
Captain Galacticus to do it?
No, Captain Galacticus
would ask Meta to do it.
Well, then I'm Meta,
he's the muscle
and you're just a prick
getting a free ride.
Wait, you're leaving, already?
Yeah, I've had my dose
of cheesedicks for one day.
Anyway, I got a date.
-A date? With who?
-[Maggie] Later!
-We were supposed to celebrate!
-[doorbell dings]
Hey! Thanks a lot, Judas.
For your information, I know
exactly what a metamorph is!
-Metaphor.
-Metaph...
-[Karl] Metaphor.
-Metaphlor.
-[Karl] Yeah, there you go.
-Metaphlor.
[classical music playing]
[mumbles]
[snorts]
[Hannity clears throat]
[exhales deeply]
[Hannity] By all means.
Finish your cracker.
This is one of Coleman's biggest
processing plants worldwide.
In order for operations
to run smoothly
and for the company to profit,
every employee must follow
the chain of command
with integrity, excellence,
dedication and initiative.
We expect no less
from our workers,
and we won't hesitate
to cut off dead weed
in order to allow
for stronger growth.
That being said,
do you know why you're here?
We, um,
we got our pickup stolen.
Hmm. Not just one pickup, Dave.
Oh, uh, actually,
it's, uh, Stanley.
Ah. [exhales] Stanley.
Over the last month,
there have been a lot
of missing pickups
and repeated errors
all coming from your sector.
Cracker? Mm-hmm.
It's not our fault,
we... we think some jackasses
are posing as us and, uh,
they're, um,
stealing our pickups,
-right before we get there.
-[Hannity] Coleman's pickups!
Gentlemen!
You are currently owing
the company 25,000 dollars,
and we're withholding
your last pay...
until the situation is resolved.
-Understood?
-Understood, sir.
[upbeat music playing]
Damn!
[music concludes]
[Mrs. Neard] Coming, dear!
Good morning, Mrs. Neard.
Is, uh, is Karl up?
They're going to take me.
-What? Who?
-[Mrs. Neard] The doctors.
They told me I was impaired.
Nobody's gonna take you,
Mrs. Neard.
I'm pretty sure
you're not dead yet. [chuckles]
Just tell them
I won't be leaving my home.
Oh, don't worry, I'll tell them.
Good!
Now, don't just stand there,
darling, come in!
[Freddy] Okay. Great!
[upbeat music playing
over speakers]
-Hey, big boy.
-[Karl] Hey you!
-Wanna have boobs for breakfast?
-[Karl] Affirmative.
[Jane moans]
That'll be 200 credits, honey.
[chuckles]
-[Karl] I'm coming, baby.
-[notification dings]
Love the sound of that!
-[door slams]
-[Freddy] What you gonna do
when Wild Gringo walks on you?
-[Karl] Hey, hey! No!
-[Freddy] Get over here!
Oh, God, no.
[Freddy] Whoo!
One, two, three! Whoo!
And the crowd goes wild
for Wild Gringo!
-Whoo!
-Freddy! [pants]
What?
What do you mean what?
I was busy!
-Don't look.
-[Zelvirella] Hmm.
-You were masturbating?
-Yes okay! Get out!
-[Freddy] Okay.
[Karl] Get out!
I'll give you couple of minutes.
-[pants] Fuck! [groans]
-[music concludes]
[soft music playing]
[knocking on the door]
[Maggie grunts]
Are you busy, too?
Yeah. [sighs]
-So, had a fun night?
-[Maggie] Yeah.
It was the best fucking night
of my life.
Cool, cool, cool,
cool, cool, cool, cool.
[sighs]
[Freddy] So, um, yeah, uh,
Maggie, I've been
thinking a lot.
[gulps]
Well, I just wanted to say
that you are...
-[computer chimes]
-[Maggie] Oh.
-[shushes]
-...so...
[keyboard clacking]
Huh.
You guys ready for a pickup?
Pickup? Yes, yes!
Hell-- Heck, yeah.
Uh. Karl's gonna need
like five minutes.
-Why?
-[music concludes]
[Karl] Jeez.
Is this really the place?
Hey!
You're my best friend, Karl.
Can I get your honest opinion
on something?
Sure.
Okay. So, you want
my honest opinion
-on a rotten finger?
-No, dude! The... the ring!
[clicks tongue]
It's ugly. Happy?
Hey! Uh. I'm thinking about
proposing to your sister.
Half-sister! Wait! Wait! Wait!
Yeah. I mean,
I don't know, I... I feel ready,
and I'm pretty sure she is, too.
[scoffs] Don't you think
you're skipping
crucial steps here?
You're not even dating!
Oh, my God, and that
horrid thing stinks, man.
Well, yeah,
that's just the finger.
If-- It's the ring
stuck to it...
-If I can get the ring off...
-Freddy, it says "OG" on it.
Yeah,
'cause she's my Original Girl.
It's a gangster ring!
And you know what, man,
dating a coworker is unethical!
Yeah. Especially my sister.
-Half-sister!
-Whatever, man!
This conversation
grosses me out!
Maggie doesn't even like you.
-Freddy, I'm... I'm sorry, man.
-[Freddy] No. No.
-No, no, I'm sorry.
-[Freddy] You're probably right!
Because masturbating
to ZILFs on the internet
makes you a relationship expert.
-Oh, okay, you wanna go there?
-Yeah, I wanna go there!
-Let's go there! Let's go there!
-Yeah, I wanna go there!
-[taser zaps]
-[groans]
[pants]
[groans] Ow!
[groans]
[Stanley]
Rise and shine, ladies!
[both pant]
-[Stanley] What do we have here?
-[exhales heavily]
Karl Neard... [chuckles]
...and, uh, Freddy Mercks,
crocodile hunter's
little brother
and his hippo friend.
Well, I'll have you know
that hippos are actually
one of the deadliest animals
of the--
Oh. Shut up!
And by the way,
we're no longer friends.
Really?
You really want to do this now?
I'm sorry.
Do you guys hear something?
-Oh, come on.
-'Cause I don't hear anything.
-Freddy, they have guns!
-[Stanley] Yes! We have guns!
-Listen to your friend!
-He's not my friend!
[gun fires]
-Shut up! Shut the hell up!
-[tense music playing]
Don't you two idiots
want to know why you're here?
-Well, we're here for a pick up.
-Yes, I know, I called it in!
-It was a trap!
-[Rocco laughs]
Jesus! We know you two idiots
stole from us!
The ring. Right!
The gangster ring!
-That's Maggie's ring!
-She doesn't like you.
[gun fires]
This isn't working.
Rocco, I don't think these guys
understand what's going on here.
Why don't you show them
what we're capable of.
No, no, no, no,
we understand. It's fine.
Rocco, this is not necessary,
please, please!
-No! No! Please. [yelps]
-[gun fires]
[music concludes]
[Rocco groans]
I'm just not quite sure
what we're supposed
to understand from that.
-Yeah, no, me neither.
-I mean--
-[Stanley] Shut up!
-[tense music playing]
You don't disrespect
the Wild Gringo. [groans]
[grunts] Karl's grandma
hits harder than that!
Grandma you say? She sweet?
-She's the sweetest.
-Change of plans.
-[taser buzzing]
-[music concludes]
[Bill] Now, tell us again
what happened.
[angry mother] Listen,
I have nothing
against the living-impaired.
But one of those got naked
in front of my six-year-old!
Oh, come on!
He doesn't even
have a penis anymore!
[angry mother] Well,
I'm pretty sure I did see
at least one testicle!
[anchor] Ladies!
Now, what do you think?
We'll be back
after these messages.
[upbeat synth music playing]
Fucking slackers!
[music concludes]
-[Maggie sighs]
-[both snoring]
-Really, guys?
-Huh! What!
-[grunts]
-You're piss drunk, aren't you?
A trap! It was a trap!
-What?
-[Freddy] The pickup!
-The pickup was a trap! [pants]
-Yeah! There's blood!
Is this blood? Is this my blood?
I don't know! [pants]
-What the hell is that?
-I don't know.
Oh, my God!
-[upbeat music playing]
-[Karl] What if it's a bomb?
Okay, what are you guys on?
-Go on, press Play!
-Are you insane?
-Like I'm gonna fall for that.
-Okay, I'll do it!
No, Freddy! No!
Come on, guys,
it's not funny anymore.
So-- [exclaims]
-[Karl] No! [grunts]
-[Freddy] So...
[both grunt]
Oh, Freddy. No!
Our saving throw is not high
enough to survive this, Freddy.
You know it! Please, please! No!
-[music concludes]
-[Stanley clears throat]
We work for Coleman
and we've uncovered
your shitty little scheme.
Grandma?
You've stolen
25,000 dollars' worth
of living-impaired pickups.
But you know what,
make that 50, for our troubles.
We want the money back
or sweet old granny over here
goes bye-bye.
I told you, I will not
be leaving my home.
[Stanley] You have 24 hours.
I'll call you.
What kind of cheap-shot
fart-knuckle asshole
goes for your grandma?
Okay, guys, we need a quick job
that pays a lot.
Like what? Robbing a bank?
Oh! Why don't you ask
Don to help us?
[Karl] No,
I'm not interested in that.
-Yes!
-[Freddy] Yeah.
No, no, no, I'm not sure
how I feel about it. [chuckles]
Why not? He's super connected
and... [chuckles]
... he really likes you, man.
Yeah, exactly!
I mean, he's very, you know,
"touchy-touchy-feely"
kind of guy,
and it makes me uncomfortable.
I don't like it.
That's it? You have any idea
how ridiculous you sound?
Yeah!
You're being super selfish!
-Oh.
-[Maggie] Karl...
You gotta take one for Granny.
[upbeat synth music playing]
Jeez!
-Jeez or jizz?
-What?
[grunts] It's toothpaste.
Don't be so immature.
Uh-huh.
Karl, I'm glad you called.
From what I understood,
you're in deep, and it stinks.
[laughs] Now that
is an accurate metamorph,
my good sir.
Uh. Karl said you might
have a job for us?
I don't, but the boss does.
-A high profile pickup.
-So, when do we meet him?
You're about to.
-[music concludes]
-Ladies and gents,
the mad artist of the macabre,
the one and only, Otto Maddox!
[all applaud]
[dramatic music playing]
[garbling]
-Huh, so it is art.
-[shushes]
-[laughs]
-[music concludes]
This is a nice place.
A bit dusty, but cozy.
Listen up, Granny!
Let me make this
crystal clear for you.
You do what I say,
you don't run, you don't scream,
and it'll all be over
in no time, hmm?
But you try anything funny,
and my friend, Rocco, over here,
is gonna impair you.
Oh, I'm already impaired, dear,
but thank you.
-I think I'm impaired too.
-No shit, Sherlock.
The Darwin awards called,
they have a trophy for you.
-Really?
-No! Not really, Rocco!
Jesus Christ!
Look, I have shit to do.
You keep an eye out for me,
okay, while I'm gone.
And stop playing with your gun.
God!
My doctor said it's important
to keep your brain stimulated,
so I suppose they have
activities scheduled here?
-Hmm.
-Bingo Mondays?
Social dance Fridays?
-[elevator bell dings]
-[elevator music playing]
[Don] All right,
make yourselves comfortable,
he'll be right with you.
We'll talk about
my finder's fee later, hmm?
[smacks]
[music concludes]
[sighs]
For the record, I hate you guys.
[Maggie] You're so stuck up,
relax.
-Wow. [sighs]
-[Freddy chuckles] Oh, dude!
Isn't that the girl that
you were masturbating to?
Shut! No! That's the real one.
[soft tense music playing]
Oh, my God. The jewels of rock.
The blade of death.
Even got Rupert!
-Isn't she marvelous?
-[Karl] Yeah.
No! You got
a 35-millimeter print
of the banned film Zelvirella?
Sir, there's like only
five copies in the whole world!
Yes, and I own all five of them.
[chuckles]
-[Karl exhales]
-Welcome!
Welcome to
my private exhibition. [inhales]
-[Maggie] Oh, fuck me!
-[sneezes] God!
Don told me you are the best
in the hunting business.
-Really?
-Uh. Yes. Yes, we... we are.
Yes. You know, I... I...
I really dig your style.
Thank you. Throughout my life,
I gathered quite the collection.
Though I feel my existence
will remain incomplete
until I possess this last,
but not least, precious piece.
I want her at my arm,
tomorrow night,
for my big performance.
-Zelvirella?
-[Otto] Yes,
the queen of the dead,
the exquisite Debbie Jones!
She's been located,
in her family plot
at the Country Hill Cemetery.
You'll find all
the boring info in there.
So, uh,
just another pickup then.
Actually, it's a bit
more complicated.
This cemetery
is Coleman's property.
Wha-- You want us
to steal from Coleman?
Exactly!
I do not want my name mixed
in some shady business.
That's why I'll pay you
25,000 to bring her to me.
You know, we're really looking
at the Express VIP service here,
-and it's, uh, it's double.
-Oh, I'm not here to bargain,
this is the job,
this is the payment.
Well, all true collectors know
that Zelvirella is worth
beyond the Express VIP service,
isn't she?
[music concludes]
He's very smart.
All right, 50,000 it is.
Bring me my queen!
So, let me get this straight.
We wanna steal from Coleman
to repay Coleman,
for stealing from Coleman.
Yep! That is exactly
what we're gonna do.
[soft music playing]
-What?
-Nothing.
No, it's just,
you're all glittery.
-You're-- It's pretty.
-[groans]
-Uh. Thanks. I guess.
-[music concludes]
[Freddy] Yeah!
It's super cool having you,
you know, with us, in the van--
-Watch out!
-[tires screeching]
Have you got
a death wish, buddy?
You're gonna
get us killed, asshole.
Just pay attention to the road
instead of staring at me.
That's really mean, Maggie.
Like, have you ever
seen an asshole?
It's not pretty!
I looked at my asshole once.
I mean, with a mirror, you know.
What?
You guys were never curious?
[Hannity] Overpopulation,
diseases, epidemic.
The smell alone
makes my stomach turn.
Sixty million people
die each year on a global scale,
adding to the living-impaired
population count.
Now, in military terms...
we call that an invasion.
What do you think
is gonna happen
when they outnumber us,
when they turn against us?
We need to restore balance,
and the only way
for that change to occur
is to engineer society's
perception of the undead.
-All eyes will be on this event.
-[indistinct chatter on TV]
Including
pro-living-impaired activists,
making the Otto Maddox art show
a perfect target.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am proud to present,
Project Zoltan.
[wheels rumbling]
[Susan groaning]
[Hannity] Doctor West,
the floor is yours.
[ominous music playing]
[whimpering]
[screaming]
[explodes]
[music concludes]
Mr. Hannity,
may I have a word with you?
[soft music playing
over speakers]
Sit.
Sir, I understand
the situation might be unstable,
but I assure you
the formula is working.
And as people say,
-shit happens.
-I'll stop you there.
This little project of yours is
costing me a shitload of money!
With all due respect, sir,
you can't make an omelet
without breaking some eggs.
And you can't make chicken soup
out of chicken shit, can you?
This is it,
I'm shutting your ass down.
You've got great qualities,
I'm sure they'll appreciate you
at Coleman Malaysia. [chuckles]
-[music concludes]
-[thrilling music playing]
[Maggie] Go, go, go, go, go!
Guys, come on.
[car door closes]
[Karl grunts]
-[both] We're invincible!
-You guys need to dig fast,
I don't know
how much time we got
-before the next patrol.
-[grunts]
Maybe you can, uh,
come out and help us.
No, we only have
two shovels, genius.
Yeah, no thanks. I'm just gonna
keep the engine running,
and keep an eye
on Coleman's Security System.
Freddy, for fuck's sake,
tie your goddamn shoelaces!
-No, I don't tie my shoes.
-What are you, five?
Maggie, it's a way of life.
The only time
Freddy got knocked out,
he was tying his shoe.
He sneezed and smashed
his face on his own knee.
-Dude, dude! That was a secret.
-Four stitches!
-Guys, I don't care. Just go!
-[Karl] Yeah.
[keyboard clacking]
[beeping]
We're in.
Debbie Jones,
here we come, baby.
[both grunt]
[laptop chimes]
[Maggie] No way.
[subject whimpering on screen]
Coleman, you shady motherfucker.
[Freddy groans, pants]
[metallic thud]
-Yeah. Yeah. [chuckles] Oh.
-[Karl] Yeah.
No way.
-Oh, shit!
-[both groaning]
Guys! Guys, guys, guys!
We got to go!
[shushes] Okay, I present to you
the Queen of the dead,
-Zelvirel-- Oh, my God!
-Oh, fuck me!
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
She's all dried up!
Yeah, super dry,
like extra crispy dry!
She's a freaking skeleton!
There's no way Maddox
is gonna pay us for this.
Let's give her a chance.
Maybe she's still
somewhere in there.
She just needs
our help waking up. Right?
Hear my voice! Rise!
Rise!
-Rise!
-[Freddy grunts]
[Karl]
You broke her into pieces!
-[Freddy groans]
-Keep your fucking voices down!
Or what, Maggie?
I mean, look at this!
We're screwed anyway!
-What could be worse?
-[gun fires]
[Karl groans] What the heck!
-Someone shot me!
-[gun fires]
-[Karl] They shot me!
-[guard] Freeze!
Stop shouting freeze?
You already fucking shot at us!
[Freddy] Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
-[Maggie screams]
-[Freddy groans]
[Karl] Freddy,
I don't wanna die.
[music concludes]
I don't understand!
We... we use it all the time!
Mr. Hannity?
[tense music playing]
[Beverly] Please. I...
I swear it's not my fault.
He got strangled
with the sex swing.
[inhales]
Well, well. [scoffs]
Welcome back, Mr. Coleman.
[snarls]
-[groaning]
-[music concludes]
-Is he able to speak?
-Short answer is no.
Oxygen shortage
and intracranial hemorrhage
will leave your brain damaged.
I need a word with him.
In private.
[Beverly] Mm-hmm.
[inhales sharply, sighs]
Bob, Bob, Bob.
-May I call you Bob?
-[Bob groans]
You've always been
a source of inspiration,
seizing all opportunities
as they present themselves,
never taking bullshit
from anyone, hmm?
Well, now, I'm seizing mine.
I'm taking over.
I've got big plans
for the Coleman Corporation.
-[vomits, coughs]
-[Hannity laughs]
[Mrs. Neard] One, two, one
and one, two...
[soul music playing]
[Mrs. Neard] And step,
step, and one, two, back.
-One, two.
-What the hell is going on here?
Social Dance Friday.
He's making great progress,
he's a natural.
[Rocco] Thank you!
And... and what have you guys
done with my place?
-We tidied up a bit.
-[Stanley] You did what?
It was dusty.
She is our hostage, numb nuts!
Not our maid!
Now, now, settle down.
I got the perfect remedy
for grumpy boys.
-Freshly baked sweet rolls.
-Sweet rolls, man! [laughs]
-[sighs]
-[music concludes]
[Maggie] We are so fucked.
[Karl groans]
I'm so fucking cold...
[Maggie] You're not dying, Karl.
[Karl] I think
I'm losing too much blood...
[Maggie] It's just a tiny--
It's a scratch. You're fine!
Oh. [gasps] Oh, shit!
You actually got shot.
-[Karl] Yeah! I told you!
-Dude, chicks dig scars.
Cheeseburgers? Really?
Thank you for
all the extra lactose, Freddy.
Since when is there lactose
in cheeseburgers?
-[cell phone ringing]
-Oh!
-[Stanley] What's up, losers!
-It's them!
Um. I'm gonna put you
on speaker phone, okay?
-[cell phone beeps]
-[line beeping]
-I think I hung up on them.
-Freddy!
-I didn't do it on purpose!
-[cell phone ringing]
-Oh, here, here!
-[cell phone beeps]
Did you just hang up on me?
-Stan?
-Maggie!
-What, you two know each other?
-No! [shushes, scoffs]
So, after all this time,
you're still
Coleman's little bitch, huh?
[scoffs] Screw Coleman, okay!
If you don't bring my 50K
in 12 hours,
this old sweet old granny
over here goes bye-bye.
Hey, hey, hey!
How do we even know
she's alive, huh?
-Good point.
-She is fine.
[Maggie] Yeah, well,
then put her on the phone!
[gun fires]
[chair creaking]
-Really?
-What the hell was that?
Uh, uh, nothing!
What the fuck, Rocco?
-Put the gun down!
-[exclaims] What gun?
Look, put Grandma on the phone
right now, or the deal is done!
-Yeah.
-[whispers] Yes.
Uh. Yes. Um.
She's coming.
[imitates approaching footsteps]
[whispers] Come on, wake up.
Please, wake up. Plea...
[Mrs. Neard breathes deeply]
[gasps] She's back!
[breathes deeply]
[whispers] Speak!
-Hello.
-[both] Grandma.
[Mrs. Neard] Oh!
Hello, sweeties,
-isn't it a beautiful day?
-Are you okay?
Is that bastard
treating you well enough?
-Language, young lady!
-All right! That's enough!
-You got 12 hours! Got that?
-[cell phone line beeping]
-So, how do you know this prick?
-He's my ex.
-You slept with the enemy?
-[groans] Thank you, Freddy,
-for the reminder!
-[garbage drum thuds]
-Shit!
-[Freddy sighs]
Okay, we need
another Zelvirella.
You mean like the one
that Karl masturbates to?
Can't you just say "jerk off"
like normal people do?
-[metallic clattering]
-[grunts] Show us!
I'm not gonna jerk off
in front of you guys!
[sighs, exclaims]
Show us the girl, you sick fuck!
[groans painfully]
[Stanley] Hey,
would you quit crying,
-you overgrown cry baby?
-[Rocco whimpers]
I've never shot a granny before.
Oh, there, there. Aw.
[mellow electronic music
playing]
[Karl] Oh, she's live.
Uh, wait. I wanna see. [groans]
[Maggie]
That totally looks like her.
[Karl sighs]
This could actually work.
So, how do we find her?
Well, they also have
a massage parlor,
and you can go
and book private sessions.
Not that I ever tried.
I'm just saying.
Yeah, I guess, there's
a first time for everything.
[music concludes]
["Electric Love" playing]
You get me high
Electric love...
-[Karl coughs]
-Username?
-[whispers] Masterbator69.
-Come again?
-Masterbator69. [clears throat]
-Just give me a second.
-How original.
-It's a play on words, Maggie!
-Mm-hmm.
-So, you do use that word.
-Double-standard much?
-[Oscar] Platinum member! Wow!
Which one
of our delightful ZILF girls
have you come to see today?
-We are here for Zelvirella.
-Of course, your favorite.
Oh, it says right here
you never claimed
your membership rewards.
Well, it says it right here.
And boy did you
accumulate some points!
So, here's your
free Platinum Membership pin...
gel for your penis...
a lovely ZILF T-shirt...
some coupons...
and, of course, our famous...
-pocket penis laser pointer!
-[Karl] Oh!
Okay, look, we don't have time
-for free swag, okay?
-[Freddy exhales deeply]
-[sharp electrical zapping]
-[groans] God. [exclaims] God!
Oh, that laser is brutal.
Uh, you can proceed to booth 23,
she'll be right there with you.
Okay.
...My super, sticky
Dirty heart
Oh, and, uh,
Platinum member's friends...
do get a special discount.
Care for a trial?
No. We'll just wait outside.
Don't touch anything, Freddy.
[soft music playing]
-[exhales]
-[moaning in distance]
[door opens]
[gulps, groans softly]
Happy to finally put a face
on my best tipper.
[Karl] Hello.
-[Zelvirella] Hi.
-[Karl grunts, chuckles softly]
[Jane sighs]
Oh, you're kinda cute.
-You too. You smell nice.
-[Zelvirella] Thanks.
-[breathing nervously]
-[Zelvirella] So?
-first time here, huh?
-Uh, yeah.
[thrilling music playing]
[both grunting, panting]
[Maggie] Just open it. Ow!
[grunts]
Are you having fun, Karl?
It's not what you think, Maggie.
Get away!
Hey, maybe we can
give them like five minutes?
-What?
-Oh, come on. He needs this.
[Maggie] I'm hanging out
of a window!
Are you friends gonna
be watching? 'Cause it's creepy.
-No! It's my sister.
-Ooh! Well, we can invite her
-if you wanted...
-[Karl] No, no, no, no, no!
-[Jane laughs]
-[door knocking]
[Oscar] Extra players
need to register first!
-Oops. [giggles]
-[door knocking]
[Karl] Look, we don't have
much time, okay?
Oh, wait, did you come here
to save me from my pimp?
-[door knocking rapidly]
-Yeah! Yeah, sure.
Wait, why?
Is he mistreating you?
No, he's just
so overprotective, you know?
It's suffocating!
Like-- [groans, giggles]
-[door banging]
-Oh, shit.
[Oscar] Hey! This is against
house rules! Open up!
Everybody out! Now!
Nobody tells me
what to do, girl.
-[Karl groans] Oh, shit.
-[door banging rapidly]
[Maggie] Oh, come on!
[tense music playing]
[Karl groans, grunts]
[upbeat music playing]
[Oscar] Hey!
Your membership is terminated!
[Karl groans]
[Chelsea over radio] Sadly,
we are also expecting
a big protest
against living-impaired abuse.
[Brad over radio]
That's a real shame
for freedom of speech. Well,
if you're traveling by car,
and don't want
to be late for dinner
you should definitely
avoid the Art District.
[radio static crackles]
Love.
It's the best feeling, right?
-I'd rather be in a car crash.
-[tires screeching]
-[all exclaim, groan]
-[clattering]
-Freddy, pull over!
-[Freddy] Okay, okay.
[sighs] Perfect.
[snarls, grunts]
-[grunts] I'm stuck.
-Thank you, we can see that.
I can't fucking believe you!
You just drove right into him!
-He hit us!
-Li-- Li-- Liar! [groans]
-Shut up!
-You okay, there? Poor thing.
-I've been worse.
-[Jane chuckles] Aw.
[Maggie] You weren't
paying attention. Again!
I was paying attention
to you being negative.
[exclaims] Again!
Would you two just cut it
for like a second, please?
[Brad over radio] In other news,
Country Hill Cemetery has been
the theater
of yet another hate crime.
The police are looking
for three suspects
driving a green delivery van.
They are deemed
armed and dangerous.
You know, the police
is looking for us now.
Wait, what did we do this time?
Oh! Nothing serious.
Just you know, um, a hate crime!
-That is a load of bullcrap!
-All right!
You said you're the brain
of the operation, Maggie.
So, you got any great plan
to get us out of this?
Yeah, I got a plan.
I got a plan.
I got it, uh, right,
uh, right here!
-That's very mature, Maggie.
-Mm-hmm.
Says the guy
who looked at his own asshole.
[zombie chuckles] Asshole!
[Maggie] You shut up!
-[Captain Picard toy] Asshole.
-[Maggie chuckles]
-[grunts, exclaims] Uh, Captain!
-There, dickless. Go, fetch!
Guys! Guys! Guys! Come on!
None of our assholes
are gonna matter
if we don't get back
on the road, like, right now!
[groans, whimpers]
Okay. [panting]
[strains, groans]
[yelps]
[sobs, whimpers]
Hey! Hey, hey, come on, big guy!
-Don't mind me.
-Shut up.
-[groans]
-How about I call us an Uber?
[cell phone ringing, beeps]
[Stanley over phone] Hey,
losers, clock is ticking.
All right!
Now look, shitstick, we're on.
Meet us at the Maddox Gallery,
with Grandma.
Take it or leave it!
[Stanley chuckles over phone]
That shitty attitude,
-I missed you, Maggie.
-[cell phone beeping]
[mellow music playing]
-[exhales] What a twat!
-Yeah!
All right, let's hope
that old glittery fart
likes bootlegs.
[Karl] Zelvirella?
Zelvirella?
Oh, shit! She's gone?
Well, of course, she's gone!
I mean, we kidnapped her!
Go get your girl! Go!
-[Bob groaning]
-[Judith] No! No!
No, oh! [gasps] Bad! Bad!
[Hannity] Is Mr. Coleman
appreciating his new scenery?
-[tense music playing]
-[Judith] Mr. Hannity.
We've made great progress.
However, I'm afraid
we need more time.
Why? I've seen the tests.
They're fine.
They looked scary.
Focus on scary and stay away
-from the party-popper heads.
-Yes, this is the formula
we have here,
but it is extremely unstable
and infectious, we don't know--
You believe
Coleman's Special Forces
can't contain this?
The protocol suggests
that we perform
additional testing.
Maybe you're right.
[lights clicking]
-What are you doing?
-Following protocol.
Oh, no! No! No!
No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!
Let me out!
We don't have a cure! [sobs]
-[Bob groans, snarls]
-[Judith screams]
-[continues snarling, grunting]
-[tense ominous music playing]
[sobbing, wailing]
[growling, snarling]
[music fades]
[Karl] Zelvirella?
-[rustling]
-[bird wings fluttering]
Hello?
[eerie music playing]
-[exclaiming] Spare me! No! No!
-Cut the crap.
-Where are you taking me?
-We're on a job,
and we're taking you
to Otto Maddox at the Gallery!
Otto Maddox?
-Artist and billionaire?
-[Karl] Yeah, yeah.
He wants you to be his date
for tonight's event.
-Oh! [moans]
-[Karl] Huh?
-[moans]
-[gasps, moans softly] Oh!
-Oh, that's so romantic.
-Ow! Watch out! Watch out.
That's a-- It's a...
It's a bullet wound.
[moans]
It'll probably leave a scar.
[mellow music playing]
[both groan, moan]
-[Karl] Oh, yeah. [moans]
-[Jane moans]
-[Freddy strains, groans]
-[Maggie] Oh, that's so gross!
You wanna know what's gross?
Is that
you ever dated that jerk.
[scoffs] Get over it.
I told you, it only ever
happened like once or,
you know... [inhales sharply]
twice. Why am I trying
to justify myself to you,
it's none
of your fucking business anyway!
-I was just kidding. [chuckles]
-Very funny.
-Thanks.
-It's sarcasm, Freddy.
[scoffs] Yeah, duh!
Yeah, I knew that.
-[car door closing]
-Oh!
[indistinct radio chatter]
Looks like you folks
got a problem.
-[indistinct radio chatter]
-[sighs]
Uh-huh.
Let me give you a hand
-with that!
-[snarls, growls]
I got just the right tools
in my car!
[Maggie] Oh, uh,
you don't have to do that, sir.
-Pleasure, ma'am.
-[zombie growling]
-He just "ma'am-ed" me.
-Did he? I didn't--
-I blacked out.
-Okay, we're so royally fucked!
No, I think if we just
play it cool, we'll be fine.
[Maggie shushes]
Yeah! I tried to swerve
out of the way but he just,
like, jumped
right in front of me!
Don't worry about it.
Happens all the time.
These sons of bitches,
they're worse than possums!
-Yeah.
-Hold that for me, sir.
Yes, I can do that.
[ranger] All righty.
Let's start with the head.
-[zombie snarling]
-[bone scratching]
Wow, that was...
-quick.
-Majestical.
[chuckles nervously]
-[tense music playing]
-[indistinct chatter]
Oh, jeez.
[music fades]
[grunts, sighs] Well.
Here you go, folks.
You might wanna stop
at a car wash,
-get rid of that smell.
-Yeah.
Well, you're a real lifesaver.
Yeah! No, that was really,
really nice of you.
-[ranger] Now, drive safe.
-[mellow music playing]
-[Jane giggles]
-[body thuds]
What the hell
did you do that for?
To save your asses!
[Maggie] That is assault
on an officer of the law!
Yeah! A really nice officer
that had no idea
that we were wanted!
And how was I supposed
to know that?
I thought that
it was super brave.
I am so done!
I will be in the van.
Fuck all of you!
Well, we can't
just leave him there.
[mellow music continues]
[music fades]
I'm Chelsea Lee, your favorite
Red Carpet correspondent,
here at the Maddox Art Gallery
where the glitterati
of Necropolis is here
and Mother Teresa is here!
Mother Teresa, oh, my goodness!
Isn't she looking lovely
in her designer robe?
Nobody pulls off white and blue
like Mother Teresa!
Mother Teresa,
you rock the white and blue!
-[chuckles]
-Martinis later? [laughs]
You should see her
on the dancefloor,
she is a maniac!
[over laptop]
Here at Coleman News,
we don't let protesters
ruin our night,
and we just look forward
to the art.
I look forward to seeing
what Otto Maddox
is going to release today.
Who knows, last time,
it was very controversial.
Tonight, it's probably going
to be even more racy.
-But Coleman News...
-[laptop beeps]
...will show you everything.
[electronic dance music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
[suspenseful music playing]
[laptop chittering]
Let the show begin.
[electronic dance music playing]
[gas hissing]
[suspenseful music playing]
[growls]
-[music intensifies]
-[gas hissing]
[groaning]
-[music concludes]
-[elevator bell dings]
[sighs]
Oh, my God! [chuckles]
Have you guys seen this place?
There she is!
[exclaims] My queen! [gasps]
I was getting impatient.
She's as magnificent
as a thousand suns rising
over the ocean.
[gasps] All of this is yours?
Oh, yes, darling, yes.
All of this, and you.
-[Otto grunts]
-You sure know what you want.
[inhales sharply] Wow!
She's in pristine condition.
Oh. Botox and fillers,
you know how it is.
I've had some work done myself.
-Oh?
-[Otto] Hmm.
[electronic dance music playing]
[growls]
-[screams]
-[growls]
[screams]
-[screams]
-[indistinct clamor]
[music concludes]
Okay! Let's get her clean
and dressed!
Stop right there, dude!
[gentle music playing
in the background]
-You got our money?
-[scoffs]
[Jane chuckles]
[chuckles] What I wouldn't give
for the golden star
of my celestial realm.
-Oh.
-[Otto smooches]
[exclaims] Stop!
Stop, okay? Stop!
The deal is off!
-Shut the fuck up, Karl!
-[dance music playing]
-[indistinct clamor]
-[growls]
-[growls]
-[indistinct yelling, squealing]
[growls]
-[tense music playing]
-[elevator bell dings]
[both scream]
You trying to ruin my mood?
No, no, no, no, no,
he's just, you know, jealous.
No, no, we like each other!
Hmm, that's real sweet, honey,
but this is a huge opportunity
for me, so.
-[Otto smooches]
-Hmm. [giggles]
-[moans]
-Oh, I'm so sorry, Grandma.
She's not the real Zelvirella,
she's a ZILF girl...
and she's the love of my life.
Okay, listen,
he is just being emotional.
What did you just say?
I said
that he's just being emo--
[exclaims] Not you!
[laughs]
[breathes sharply] I got fooled
by a cosplayer?
Ah! [exclaims]
She's a worthless fake!
Do I look like a man
you can play games with?
-[elevator bell dings]
-[Mother Teresa growls]
-What now?
-[growls]
[screams]
-[unsettling music playing]
-No! [screams]
[Mother Teresa growls, snarls]
[groaning, screaming]
[snarling]
-Yeah, come at me. [grunts]
-[snarls]
-[Don] Sorry, Karl.
-Get off him!
-[groans]
-Adios, guys!
-Go to hell, Don!
-[snarls, growls]
[snarls]
-[grunts]
-[snarls]
[groans]
-[snarls]
-[grunts]
-Shit!
-[snarls]
-[grunts]
-[snarls]
-[screams]
-[squealing]
[grunts]
[pants]
-[unsettling music continues]
-[growls]
[blows raspberry]
-[growls, groans]
-[Karl grunts]
[music concludes]
[Karl pants] I'm sorry.
Dude, you just killed
Mother Teresa.
-She was so mean!
-Yeah, super rude.
Way out of character.
-[growls]
-[tense music playing]
Hit that glittery fucker!
[music concludes]
-[groans]
-Huh! [sighs]
Not bad
for a worthless fake, huh?
[spits]
-[elevator bell dings]
-[dance music playing]
-[zombies growling]
-[indistinct clamor]
[tense music playing]
-[growls]
-[Don exclaims]
Okay. Okay. Okay.
-Play nice. [grunts]
-[zombies growl]
[Don gasping] No, no, no, no!
-[screams]
-[zombies growling]
[music concludes]
[ambient music playing
over speaker]
Why are they so hostile
all of a sudden?
There has to be
a logical explanation.
Maybe there's bath salts
in the hors d'oeuvres?
That's actually plausible.
Hey.
You really meant what you said
up there, masterbator?
You can actually call me Karl.
[chuckles]
[both chuckle softly]
I'm Jane.
-[upbeat synth music playing]
-[elevator bell dings]
Go, go, go!
[zombies growling]
Move. Move, move, move! Come on!
Guys, we gotta go! Go, go, go!
Oh, shit!
Holy fuck,
are you guys seeing this?
Yeah, it's like, uh--
-In the movies.
-Yeah.
What the hell
are we supposed to do now?
Okay, we charge at them
and we hit them
in the brain real hard.
Yeah, and don't let them
bite you.
-Great plan. Genius.
-Thanks.
-Oh, that was sarcasm. I...
-[cell phone ringing]
[Maggie] Oh, for fuck's sakes!
[Stanley over phone]
Where's my money?
Look, we have it. Almost.
[Stanley over phone]
What do you mean, "almost"?
You know what freaking time
it is? It's freaking time's up!
[Brad over TV] ...dangerous
bio-terrorists have claimed
responsibility for the ongoing
Maddox Art Gallery attack.
[Chelsea] The terrorists
have been identified
as being Karl Neard,
Freddy Mercks,
Maggie Neard, and Jane Doe.
Feminist, activist, terrorist.
All very dangerous
to our freedom.
Oh, now, we're terrorists?
No, no, no, no.
We're bio-terrorists, okay?
-It's far worse!
-Thank you, Karl,
that really helps a lot.
-Wait! Where's Jane?
-[Freddy] Who?
Look, she's right there!
-They're not attacking her.
-I know, it's weird.
It's like they're only attracted
to us. Warm-blooded.
-Look, she's getting our money.
-[chuckles softly]
-That back-stabbing bitch!
-Heart-stabbing, Maggie.
Heart-stabbing.
-[music concludes]
-[tense music playing]
[car doors close]
-[music concludes]
-[metallic rattling]
-[indistinct clamor]
-[zombies growling]
-So, we hit them in the brain.
-Real hard.
-Here.
-[soft music playing]
-Oh, 'cause I'm the girl?
-No, 'cause you're badass.
-Thank you.
-Okay.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
Before we do this,
and you know, most probably die,
I just thought
it would be really cool
to have you as a brother-in-law.
Hey, don't I get a say in that?
Okay, uh,
listen, Maggie, I'm...
I'm really sorry being jealous
of your ex-boyfriend,
who is an asshole.
[Karl] And I'm sorry too, okay?
I know, I made the plan fail,
and that was selfish.
I get it, so, I'm sorry.
You guys are so lame,
but adorable.
All right, fine. Okay, uh,
I swear to God, if we ever
get out of this thing alive,
I will...
play D&D with you.
-Good enough.
-Uh, dude, that's huge!
-[Karl] I know.
-[laughs] Okay.
-[Maggie grunts]
-[speaks indistinct]
[in deep voice] We're gonna
show these rotten bastards
-what happens--
-Hey! Ugh! [groans]
-Hold on.
-Maggie!
[Maggie groans]
You can't go into battle
with your shoes untied.
-Okay.
-[in deep voice] Okay!
We're gonna show
these rotten bastards
what happens
when Wild Gringo gets wild!
[yells]
[thrilling music playing]
[all] We're invincible!
-[yelling]
-[Freddy grunts]
-[bone cracking]
-[groans] Ow! Motherfucker!
-[Maggie groans]
-[Freddy] Maggie!
That's why we drink our milk!
I'm lactose intolerant, asshole!
-[Karl grunting]
-[growls]
[body thuds]
[Freddy] Okay, uh, all right,
uh, I'm gonna pick you up,
I'm strong enough to do that.
[sneezes]
Freddy!
[Karl grunts]
[growling]
Guys?
Freddy, come on, wake up!
Freddy, come on, please. Freddy!
-[growls]
-[Maggie] Freddy, Freddy.
Oh, shit! Oh, shit! [whimpers]
[grunts]
-[growls]
-Shit!
[gun fires]
-[snarls]
-Guys?
[snarls]
-Shiva the Destroyer.
-[growls, snarls]
[screams]
[mumbles indistinctly]
-Fucker! [groans]
-[gun clatters]
[snarls, growls]
[Freddy grunting, growling]
[in deep voice]
Welcome to Pain City.
-Population, you!
-[growls]
-[panicked mumbling] Freddy!
-[Freddy] Oh!
[Freddy grunts]
That's okay.
[Freddy grunts, growls]
-[gasps]
-[growls]
-[Freddy laughs]
-Just kick his ass already!
[in deep voice] That's what
I'm talking about! Whoa! [yells]
Hey, don't make me-- Stop!
I'll stab you, man. Come on!
[exclaims]
Oh, my God! [screaming]
-[bone cracking]
-[groans]
[growls]
[growls]
[Freddy grunting]
[in deep voice] Whoa, yeah!
-[screaming]
-[growling]
Wow! Guys! [pants]
[Freddy in deep voice] Gringo!
Gringo! Gringo! Whoo!
[exhales, in normal voice]
Ooh, that was crazy!
Freddy, look out!
-[gun firing]
-[growls]
-[tense music playing]
-[gun firing]
-[zombies growling]
-[breathes heavily]
[Karl] Oh, my God! Oh!
[whimpers, pants]
[lights clicking]
[tense music playing]
-Jane?
-Everybody, get on your knees.
Now!
I'm surprised
you're all still alive,
but glad to meet the terrorists
behind Project Zoltan.
Oh, it's Dracula's hound.
-[shushes] Shut up, Karl.
-Just saying.
This massacre just exposed
your true nature to the world.
-You filthy zombies.
-Hey, she's living-impaired.
[Stanley]
Down on the ground, now!
[gasps]
[grunts]
[tense music continues playing]
[laughs]
Oh, hey, man!
I bet you didn't see
this one coming, huh?
[clicks tongue]
Tell me, how does it feel
to be on your knees?
Now is not the time, Dave.
My name is Stanley.
How many fucking times
do I have to tell you that?
-Who the hell is Dave anyway?
-[Maggie] Calm down!
Everything is fine.
We have the money.
-My money!
-[Jane] Hey, time out.
-Finders keepers.
-Sneaky bitch!
[scoffs] Baby, I'm so sorry.
I was... I was really scared.
-She was scared, Maggie!
-She's lying, Karl!
-You don't know that.
-I agree with both of you!
Shut up!
Enough with
the fucking bickering!
Do you hear yourselves?
[mimics] "I am scared."
"I agree with you both."
I should shoot all of you
in the fucking face.
-Give me that.
-[Stanley groans] Ah!
Nice. Now...
[breathes deeply]
...where was I?
Ah, yes.
Your days of roaming our streets
and infecting us
with diseases are over.
Well, the last disease I caught
wasn't from a dead guy.
[Maggie] You know, you got
some nasty shit going on
inside your lab yourself,
I've seen it.
I bet you orchestrated
this whole fucking thing.
-So, it wasn't bath salts?
-You made them look bad,
so you could cash in on some
big ass Coleman cleanup contract
and be the goddamn hero,
didn't you?
And you all are the perfect
scapegoats, aren't you?
[laughs]
You got me!
You got me, clever girl.
Too bad no one's ever
gonna find out.
-[gun clicking]
-[Maggie groans]
-Karl, laser penis!
-[upbeat music playing]
-[screams]
-[screams]
-[neck cracks]
-[groans] Oh!
-[body thuds]
-[exclaims] Yes!
-No mask!
-Yeah, I know! It's all Freddy.
[laughs, gasps]
[Hannity growling]
[tense music playing]
-[gun fires]
-[Karl gasps]
You ruined everything,
you wretched scum!
-What have you done?
-The world a fucking favor!
[saw whirring]
You look better dead, baby.
[grunts]
[music concludes]
-Nice shot.
-Good pass.
[soft synth music playing]
[groans] Oh!
-It's a miracle.
-You fucking fucker!
Well, I love you too, Maggie.
-Yeah, nice try, shit face.
-[laughs]
Uh, guys? Hate to interrupt,
but where's the money?
And where's Stan?
[suspenseful music playing]
-[phone ringing]
-[woman on TV] Oh, we can't.
What would my father say?
-Why can't they be together?
-[man on TV] But I love you.
[whispers] Come on,
pick up. Shit.
I got the money,
you knucklehead,
I got the money, you bitch.
-[growls]
-[groans]
-[whispers] You fucking asshole!
-[zombie growling]
[breathes heavily]
[music concludes]
-[indistinct clamoring]
-[Chelsea] Any moment now.
Here they are Brad,
our terrorists are exiting
the building by the front door,
as we speak.
Anything to say
for your defense?
Yeah, we're innocent.
I recorded everything
and I have proof.
[Captain Picard toy] I recorded
everything and I have proof.
[indistinct chatter]
I do.
[static buzzing]
[synth music playing]
[Karl] Yeah,
so I skip to the end.
Oh, I know, I'm cheating.
Well, the good news is,
we got Granny back.
She's living-impaired now,
but she always thought she was,
so I guess she's finally happy.
And we didn't get arrested.
Turns out that Captain
Galactica's keychain plan
didn't work out as I'd hope,
it didn't prove anything.
But all hell broke loose.
The infection got out
and spread like crazy.
[tense music playing]
[car alarm blaring]
[Karl] Welcome to the real
zombie apocalypse.
-[helicopter blades whirring]
-[zombies growling]
[police siren blaring
in distance]
[Stanley growling]
[police siren blaring]
-[screams]
-[music concludes]
[upbeat synth music playing]
[music fades]
[mild tempo music playing]
[music concludes]
[ominous music playing]
[zombie beggar groaning,
snarling]
[police sirens wailing
in distance]
[groaning, snarling]
[Freddy] Great.
Thank you very much! [grunts]
-What the hell, dude?
-[music concludes]
Spare change.
[Freddy] Hey,
you saw what happened.
Can I get another milkshake?
Fuck you.
["Penny for a Smile"
playing over radio]
Baby, I've been going
Kind of crazy
About this wicked way...
Skeleton Army
has betrayed you...
They now dance to your agony
as you burn to ashes.
-You are dead.
-[Freddy grunts]
-That's harsh.
-[car door closes]
You wanna know
what's harsh, okay?
This dead meat
asking me for money
with gold teeth in his mouth.
Unbelievable.
-Wait, take this! Take this!
-Watch it, Freddy! [grunts]
This is a limited
foil cover edition!
[Freddy] Hey, hey, I-- I noticed
you had no shoes.
He doesn't care.
[Freddy] And I wanted
to find out what-- [grunts]
Just kidding. [screams]
Gimme that.
-[Karl sighs]
-[exhales, laughs]
-[imitates zombie snarling]
-[sighs]
[grunts]
Don't put that
in your mouth, Freddy!
What?
What are you, a zombiphobe now?
You gotta stop doing this, okay?
You're gonna get us in trouble.
Survival of the strongest.
-Survival of the fittest.
-Whatever, dude, okay?
-He doesn't need it. I do.
-You need nasty gold teeth?
No! I need cash, okay?
Besides, what do zombies
needs money for anyway?
I guess earning money
is all they ever did
when they were alive. [chuckles]
What a bunch of losers.
-[both laugh]
-[cell phone ringing]
-Oh! Time to work.
-[Freddy clears throat]
[song concludes]
-Hey, Maggie!
-Hey, shit-face.
I've got another pickup for you,
and don't fuck it up this time.
Don't fuck up this--
No, we're not
gonna fuck up this time.
-Give us the info, Maggie.
-[upbeat music playing]
[tires screeching]
Ladies and gentlemen,
the dead are back.
[zombie growling]
[Judith] There's no
flesh-eating behavior,
nor hunger for brain,
they're just...
[inhales] ...here.
And that's the real disaster,
isn't it?
[Bill] So, you're saying
we have to relearn
our behaviors towards
the living-dead?
The less offensive term
would be living-impaired.
-[audience cheering]
-What do you think, folks?
[audience applauds]
[blogger] I lost my job!
They don't sleep.
How the fuck can we compete
with these damn zombies?
Rain. Rain.
Population has dramatically
grown by 175%
within the last six months.
It is now illegal for people
to dig up their loved ones.
Zombies you'd like to fuck.
[reporter] Protests are rising
all over the world as the undead
claim equal rights.
I'm Brad Thompson
for Coleman News. [sighs]
Good night,
and God bless America.
[both] We're invincible.
[music concludes]
-[doorbell ringing]
-[both sigh]
[Karl] Mister McKenna? Hi.
Coleman's Retirement Services
for the Living-Impaired.
-You called us?
-Yes! Uh,
thank you for coming...
[chuckles] ...so promptly,
-you guys are fast. [chuckles]
-[Karl] Yeah.
-Um... [clicks tongue]
...now, I want you to know
that we do love him, dearly,
and it was a hard decision
for us to make.
We totally understand, sir.
You see, it's my father-in-law,
and it's important for my wife
that he be treated with dignity.
-That is our policy, yeah.
-Okay.
My wife is very
fragile emotionally.
-So, if you could--
-[gun fires]
[Susan] Oh!
[operatic music playing
over stereo]
[Susan] Oh, Pop-Pop!
-[sobs]
-[Seth] What did you do?
I swear if you shot him
in the brain, I...
-[snarls]
-That was close.
[sighs]
How many times
do I need to tell you?
No more shooting at Pop-Pop!
You said it yourself, Pop-Pop
is just a fucking zombie.
[snarls]
[chuckles] Kids... [laughs]
...no, Pop-Pop
is living-impaired, hmm?
And the living-impaired
have rights,
so you can't shoot them, okay?
He's just like a...
[inhales sharply]
-...like a retard. Hmm? Uh...
-Hmm.
...we don't shoot retards,
-do we?
-[clicks tongue]
-No, we don't.
-[Karl] Listen, uh, sir.
[chuckles] I don't wanna be mean
and put pressure or anything
-but we're on the clock.
-[Seth] Yes, I... I'm sorry.
Please proceed
with the extraction.
-[Karl] All right.
-[Seth inhales sharply] Um.
-[groans]
-Okay.
-[grunts]
-[groans]
-Are you sure this is necessary?
-They're professionals, honey.
-[straining]
-[Karl] I think we got him.
[Pop-Pop groans]
Careful guys,
that chair is priceless.
-Yeah. Yeah.
-[groans]
[Freddy] This ugly bastard
is stronger than he looks like.
[straining]
[gasps, whimpers]
Totally normal.
[breathes rapidly]
Hey! Like new.
See what we had to
deal with every day. [chuckles]
Okay, I'm just gonna need
a signature right here.
Let's just proceed
to payment. Uh...
-[card reader beeping]
-Jeez. [groans]
The card reader,
it's messed up again, man.
Oh, what the heck is that?
That's really weird.
So sorry about this, sir, um...
Do you mind paying cash?
Here you go.
-Thank you.
-You did the right choice.
-Okay, come on.
-[Pop-Pop groaning]
Hey, pleasure doing
business with you, dude.
-I mean, sir.
-Bye-bye now.
[suspenseful music playing]
[Karl] All right.
[music concludes]
[doorbell ringing]
[operatic music playing
over stereo]
-[Seth] Hello.
-[Stanley] Hi. Mister McKenna?
Coleman Retirement Services
for the Living-Impaired.
I-- I believe your colleagues...
[chuckles nervously]
...have already taken...
-[groans]
-Honey?
[protestors]
Maddox Art is murder!
Maddox Art is murder!
Maddox Art is murder!
Maddox Art is murder!
Maddox Art is murder!
Maddox Art is murder!
Karl, my man!
Freddy, you're getting
depressingly uninspiring.
-What do you mean?
-[Don] Don't worry about it.
[Pop-Pop snarls]
What am I supposed
to do with this?
Come on, Don, it's not that bad!
His head is holding
on a pogo stick!
Exactly! Which makes him,
uh... inspiring.
Yeah, like the, uh,
the magnificent
head-spinning zombie, dude!
-Whoa! [cheers]
-Whoa!
-Whoa!
-See, art!
You wouldn't know art
if it bit you on the ass.
I'm not going to take this one.
-Don.
-Or at least, not at full price.
We have the certificate
of termination and everything.
He's legit, I mean,
you could do whatever you want
with him, you know, uh,
no one cares.
-I'll give you half.
-What?
-Take it or leave it.
-That is an insult.
There's no deal.
Come on, Karl, we're leaving.
Fine, you win. Half-price.
-What are you doing?
-[Karl] We're broke, remember?
Oh, my.
You have the softest hands.
I moisturize.
[inspirational music playing]
Oh, hi! I'm Bob Coleman.
And for years
we've been studying
the most complex structure
of the universe.
The human brain.
Each second,
a hundred billion neurons
are sending ten thousand
electro-chemical signals
making us behave the way we do.
That's why this
cute little creature... [laughs]
...makes you feel warm
and fuzzy inside.
At Coleman,
we're dedicated to unlocking
the secrets of the mind.
Help the research,
donate your loved ones
through our Retirement Services
for the Living-Impaired.
[music concludes]
-[gate clanging]
-[ominous music playing]
[alarm buzzing]
-Great.
-Hmm. Bye.
[music concludes]
[Karl] Your vampire hero
stands before Shiva,
the last god of evil.
And...
[country music playing
over stereo]
Shiva the Destroyer
destroys Dracula.
Huh.
Why don't you just
skip to the end?
What are you talking about?
That would be cheating.
The whole book is cheating.
I mean, look at Dracula.
He's all thin and handsome.
-He has to be thin and handsome.
-No, no, no, no.
See, blood is super rich, dude.
I mean, he'd be fat.
-At the very least, chubby.
-[man] Hey, Maggie!
Maggie, Maggie, Maggie! Listen!
Do you think Dracula, the king
of the undead, would be fat?
That is exactly why
I don't hang out with you guys.
-This and that ugly hat.
-This?
This is a hunter's hat,
and I'm hunting so...
-it's appropriate.
-Huh.
And I thank God everyday
we didn't come
from the same ball sack.
Huh. Thank you. That's nice.
Hey, Maggie,
I got you a milkshake.
Why?
You know I don't drink milk.
Well, milk builds strong bones.
-I'm lactose-intolerant, Freddy.
-Oh, I don't mind farts.
-Farts are natural.
-Stop.
Karl, just hand me my share.
Uncle Gary!
There's an ear
in my fries, again!
Yeah, I... I told the cook
about it,
but he couldn't hear me!
[splutters, laughs]
[Freddy laughs sarcastically]
Good one!
I'm gonna leave you
a bad review!
This time I'm serious!
[clears throat] Karl.
-[Karl] Yup.
-You're short.
Oh, yeah. Um... [chuckles]
...funny story.
Don, he paid us half
because it was damaged goods,
and, uh, that's not our fault,
technically so, uh...
-[Freddy] Mm-hmm.
-[Karl] Yeah.
Are you pissing down my back
and calling it rain?
[chokes]
No! We're not into that thing.
[inhales sharply]
It's a metaphor, you dumbass.
Look, can you just
trust me for once?
-Trust?
-[Karl] Yeah.
[Captain Picard toy]
Listen to your brother.
You know he's telling the truth.
Oh, oh, did you hear that?
Even the captain-- Hey!
You're a lying
piece of shit, Karl!
[Captain Picard toy] You're
a lying piece of shit, Karl.
That's a collectable.
Maybe we might have
beheaded the pickup.
Hey, hey, hey! Traitor!
-See, I knew it!
-No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no!
And this is horse shit, okay!
We're the ones doing
all the hard work
while you sit
on your fat ass all day!
-Hey!
-[chuckles] Oh, really?
Ow, ah, my knee!
[Maggie] Really, can you hack
into Coleman's system? Hmm?
-Any of you?
-[sighs]
I guess you'd ask
Captain Galacticus to do it?
No, Captain Galacticus
would ask Meta to do it.
Well, then I'm Meta,
he's the muscle
and you're just a prick
getting a free ride.
Wait, you're leaving, already?
Yeah, I've had my dose
of cheesedicks for one day.
Anyway, I got a date.
-A date? With who?
-[Maggie] Later!
-We were supposed to celebrate!
-[doorbell dings]
Hey! Thanks a lot, Judas.
For your information, I know
exactly what a metamorph is!
-Metaphor.
-Metaph...
-[Karl] Metaphor.
-Metaphlor.
-[Karl] Yeah, there you go.
-Metaphlor.
[classical music playing]
[mumbles]
[snorts]
[Hannity clears throat]
[exhales deeply]
[Hannity] By all means.
Finish your cracker.
This is one of Coleman's biggest
processing plants worldwide.
In order for operations
to run smoothly
and for the company to profit,
every employee must follow
the chain of command
with integrity, excellence,
dedication and initiative.
We expect no less
from our workers,
and we won't hesitate
to cut off dead weed
in order to allow
for stronger growth.
That being said,
do you know why you're here?
We, um,
we got our pickup stolen.
Hmm. Not just one pickup, Dave.
Oh, uh, actually,
it's, uh, Stanley.
Ah. [exhales] Stanley.
Over the last month,
there have been a lot
of missing pickups
and repeated errors
all coming from your sector.
Cracker? Mm-hmm.
It's not our fault,
we... we think some jackasses
are posing as us and, uh,
they're, um,
stealing our pickups,
-right before we get there.
-[Hannity] Coleman's pickups!
Gentlemen!
You are currently owing
the company 25,000 dollars,
and we're withholding
your last pay...
until the situation is resolved.
-Understood?
-Understood, sir.
[upbeat music playing]
Damn!
[music concludes]
[Mrs. Neard] Coming, dear!
Good morning, Mrs. Neard.
Is, uh, is Karl up?
They're going to take me.
-What? Who?
-[Mrs. Neard] The doctors.
They told me I was impaired.
Nobody's gonna take you,
Mrs. Neard.
I'm pretty sure
you're not dead yet. [chuckles]
Just tell them
I won't be leaving my home.
Oh, don't worry, I'll tell them.
Good!
Now, don't just stand there,
darling, come in!
[Freddy] Okay. Great!
[upbeat music playing
over speakers]
-Hey, big boy.
-[Karl] Hey you!
-Wanna have boobs for breakfast?
-[Karl] Affirmative.
[Jane moans]
That'll be 200 credits, honey.
[chuckles]
-[Karl] I'm coming, baby.
-[notification dings]
Love the sound of that!
-[door slams]
-[Freddy] What you gonna do
when Wild Gringo walks on you?
-[Karl] Hey, hey! No!
-[Freddy] Get over here!
Oh, God, no.
[Freddy] Whoo!
One, two, three! Whoo!
And the crowd goes wild
for Wild Gringo!
-Whoo!
-Freddy! [pants]
What?
What do you mean what?
I was busy!
-Don't look.
-[Zelvirella] Hmm.
-You were masturbating?
-Yes okay! Get out!
-[Freddy] Okay.
[Karl] Get out!
I'll give you couple of minutes.
-[pants] Fuck! [groans]
-[music concludes]
[soft music playing]
[knocking on the door]
[Maggie grunts]
Are you busy, too?
Yeah. [sighs]
-So, had a fun night?
-[Maggie] Yeah.
It was the best fucking night
of my life.
Cool, cool, cool,
cool, cool, cool, cool.
[sighs]
[Freddy] So, um, yeah, uh,
Maggie, I've been
thinking a lot.
[gulps]
Well, I just wanted to say
that you are...
-[computer chimes]
-[Maggie] Oh.
-[shushes]
-...so...
[keyboard clacking]
Huh.
You guys ready for a pickup?
Pickup? Yes, yes!
Hell-- Heck, yeah.
Uh. Karl's gonna need
like five minutes.
-Why?
-[music concludes]
[Karl] Jeez.
Is this really the place?
Hey!
You're my best friend, Karl.
Can I get your honest opinion
on something?
Sure.
Okay. So, you want
my honest opinion
-on a rotten finger?
-No, dude! The... the ring!
[clicks tongue]
It's ugly. Happy?
Hey! Uh. I'm thinking about
proposing to your sister.
Half-sister! Wait! Wait! Wait!
Yeah. I mean,
I don't know, I... I feel ready,
and I'm pretty sure she is, too.
[scoffs] Don't you think
you're skipping
crucial steps here?
You're not even dating!
Oh, my God, and that
horrid thing stinks, man.
Well, yeah,
that's just the finger.
If-- It's the ring
stuck to it...
-If I can get the ring off...
-Freddy, it says "OG" on it.
Yeah,
'cause she's my Original Girl.
It's a gangster ring!
And you know what, man,
dating a coworker is unethical!
Yeah. Especially my sister.
-Half-sister!
-Whatever, man!
This conversation
grosses me out!
Maggie doesn't even like you.
-Freddy, I'm... I'm sorry, man.
-[Freddy] No. No.
-No, no, I'm sorry.
-[Freddy] You're probably right!
Because masturbating
to ZILFs on the internet
makes you a relationship expert.
-Oh, okay, you wanna go there?
-Yeah, I wanna go there!
-Let's go there! Let's go there!
-Yeah, I wanna go there!
-[taser zaps]
-[groans]
[pants]
[groans] Ow!
[groans]
[Stanley]
Rise and shine, ladies!
[both pant]
-[Stanley] What do we have here?
-[exhales heavily]
Karl Neard... [chuckles]
...and, uh, Freddy Mercks,
crocodile hunter's
little brother
and his hippo friend.
Well, I'll have you know
that hippos are actually
one of the deadliest animals
of the--
Oh. Shut up!
And by the way,
we're no longer friends.
Really?
You really want to do this now?
I'm sorry.
Do you guys hear something?
-Oh, come on.
-'Cause I don't hear anything.
-Freddy, they have guns!
-[Stanley] Yes! We have guns!
-Listen to your friend!
-He's not my friend!
[gun fires]
-Shut up! Shut the hell up!
-[tense music playing]
Don't you two idiots
want to know why you're here?
-Well, we're here for a pick up.
-Yes, I know, I called it in!
-It was a trap!
-[Rocco laughs]
Jesus! We know you two idiots
stole from us!
The ring. Right!
The gangster ring!
-That's Maggie's ring!
-She doesn't like you.
[gun fires]
This isn't working.
Rocco, I don't think these guys
understand what's going on here.
Why don't you show them
what we're capable of.
No, no, no, no,
we understand. It's fine.
Rocco, this is not necessary,
please, please!
-No! No! Please. [yelps]
-[gun fires]
[music concludes]
[Rocco groans]
I'm just not quite sure
what we're supposed
to understand from that.
-Yeah, no, me neither.
-I mean--
-[Stanley] Shut up!
-[tense music playing]
You don't disrespect
the Wild Gringo. [groans]
[grunts] Karl's grandma
hits harder than that!
Grandma you say? She sweet?
-She's the sweetest.
-Change of plans.
-[taser buzzing]
-[music concludes]
[Bill] Now, tell us again
what happened.
[angry mother] Listen,
I have nothing
against the living-impaired.
But one of those got naked
in front of my six-year-old!
Oh, come on!
He doesn't even
have a penis anymore!
[angry mother] Well,
I'm pretty sure I did see
at least one testicle!
[anchor] Ladies!
Now, what do you think?
We'll be back
after these messages.
[upbeat synth music playing]
Fucking slackers!
[music concludes]
-[Maggie sighs]
-[both snoring]
-Really, guys?
-Huh! What!
-[grunts]
-You're piss drunk, aren't you?
A trap! It was a trap!
-What?
-[Freddy] The pickup!
-The pickup was a trap! [pants]
-Yeah! There's blood!
Is this blood? Is this my blood?
I don't know! [pants]
-What the hell is that?
-I don't know.
Oh, my God!
-[upbeat music playing]
-[Karl] What if it's a bomb?
Okay, what are you guys on?
-Go on, press Play!
-Are you insane?
-Like I'm gonna fall for that.
-Okay, I'll do it!
No, Freddy! No!
Come on, guys,
it's not funny anymore.
So-- [exclaims]
-[Karl] No! [grunts]
-[Freddy] So...
[both grunt]
Oh, Freddy. No!
Our saving throw is not high
enough to survive this, Freddy.
You know it! Please, please! No!
-[music concludes]
-[Stanley clears throat]
We work for Coleman
and we've uncovered
your shitty little scheme.
Grandma?
You've stolen
25,000 dollars' worth
of living-impaired pickups.
But you know what,
make that 50, for our troubles.
We want the money back
or sweet old granny over here
goes bye-bye.
I told you, I will not
be leaving my home.
[Stanley] You have 24 hours.
I'll call you.
What kind of cheap-shot
fart-knuckle asshole
goes for your grandma?
Okay, guys, we need a quick job
that pays a lot.
Like what? Robbing a bank?
Oh! Why don't you ask
Don to help us?
[Karl] No,
I'm not interested in that.
-Yes!
-[Freddy] Yeah.
No, no, no, I'm not sure
how I feel about it. [chuckles]
Why not? He's super connected
and... [chuckles]
... he really likes you, man.
Yeah, exactly!
I mean, he's very, you know,
"touchy-touchy-feely"
kind of guy,
and it makes me uncomfortable.
I don't like it.
That's it? You have any idea
how ridiculous you sound?
Yeah!
You're being super selfish!
-Oh.
-[Maggie] Karl...
You gotta take one for Granny.
[upbeat synth music playing]
Jeez!
-Jeez or jizz?
-What?
[grunts] It's toothpaste.
Don't be so immature.
Uh-huh.
Karl, I'm glad you called.
From what I understood,
you're in deep, and it stinks.
[laughs] Now that
is an accurate metamorph,
my good sir.
Uh. Karl said you might
have a job for us?
I don't, but the boss does.
-A high profile pickup.
-So, when do we meet him?
You're about to.
-[music concludes]
-Ladies and gents,
the mad artist of the macabre,
the one and only, Otto Maddox!
[all applaud]
[dramatic music playing]
[garbling]
-Huh, so it is art.
-[shushes]
-[laughs]
-[music concludes]
This is a nice place.
A bit dusty, but cozy.
Listen up, Granny!
Let me make this
crystal clear for you.
You do what I say,
you don't run, you don't scream,
and it'll all be over
in no time, hmm?
But you try anything funny,
and my friend, Rocco, over here,
is gonna impair you.
Oh, I'm already impaired, dear,
but thank you.
-I think I'm impaired too.
-No shit, Sherlock.
The Darwin awards called,
they have a trophy for you.
-Really?
-No! Not really, Rocco!
Jesus Christ!
Look, I have shit to do.
You keep an eye out for me,
okay, while I'm gone.
And stop playing with your gun.
God!
My doctor said it's important
to keep your brain stimulated,
so I suppose they have
activities scheduled here?
-Hmm.
-Bingo Mondays?
Social dance Fridays?
-[elevator bell dings]
-[elevator music playing]
[Don] All right,
make yourselves comfortable,
he'll be right with you.
We'll talk about
my finder's fee later, hmm?
[smacks]
[music concludes]
[sighs]
For the record, I hate you guys.
[Maggie] You're so stuck up,
relax.
-Wow. [sighs]
-[Freddy chuckles] Oh, dude!
Isn't that the girl that
you were masturbating to?
Shut! No! That's the real one.
[soft tense music playing]
Oh, my God. The jewels of rock.
The blade of death.
Even got Rupert!
-Isn't she marvelous?
-[Karl] Yeah.
No! You got
a 35-millimeter print
of the banned film Zelvirella?
Sir, there's like only
five copies in the whole world!
Yes, and I own all five of them.
[chuckles]
-[Karl exhales]
-Welcome!
Welcome to
my private exhibition. [inhales]
-[Maggie] Oh, fuck me!
-[sneezes] God!
Don told me you are the best
in the hunting business.
-Really?
-Uh. Yes. Yes, we... we are.
Yes. You know, I... I...
I really dig your style.
Thank you. Throughout my life,
I gathered quite the collection.
Though I feel my existence
will remain incomplete
until I possess this last,
but not least, precious piece.
I want her at my arm,
tomorrow night,
for my big performance.
-Zelvirella?
-[Otto] Yes,
the queen of the dead,
the exquisite Debbie Jones!
She's been located,
in her family plot
at the Country Hill Cemetery.
You'll find all
the boring info in there.
So, uh,
just another pickup then.
Actually, it's a bit
more complicated.
This cemetery
is Coleman's property.
Wha-- You want us
to steal from Coleman?
Exactly!
I do not want my name mixed
in some shady business.
That's why I'll pay you
25,000 to bring her to me.
You know, we're really looking
at the Express VIP service here,
-and it's, uh, it's double.
-Oh, I'm not here to bargain,
this is the job,
this is the payment.
Well, all true collectors know
that Zelvirella is worth
beyond the Express VIP service,
isn't she?
[music concludes]
He's very smart.
All right, 50,000 it is.
Bring me my queen!
So, let me get this straight.
We wanna steal from Coleman
to repay Coleman,
for stealing from Coleman.
Yep! That is exactly
what we're gonna do.
[soft music playing]
-What?
-Nothing.
No, it's just,
you're all glittery.
-You're-- It's pretty.
-[groans]
-Uh. Thanks. I guess.
-[music concludes]
[Freddy] Yeah!
It's super cool having you,
you know, with us, in the van--
-Watch out!
-[tires screeching]
Have you got
a death wish, buddy?
You're gonna
get us killed, asshole.
Just pay attention to the road
instead of staring at me.
That's really mean, Maggie.
Like, have you ever
seen an asshole?
It's not pretty!
I looked at my asshole once.
I mean, with a mirror, you know.
What?
You guys were never curious?
[Hannity] Overpopulation,
diseases, epidemic.
The smell alone
makes my stomach turn.
Sixty million people
die each year on a global scale,
adding to the living-impaired
population count.
Now, in military terms...
we call that an invasion.
What do you think
is gonna happen
when they outnumber us,
when they turn against us?
We need to restore balance,
and the only way
for that change to occur
is to engineer society's
perception of the undead.
-All eyes will be on this event.
-[indistinct chatter on TV]
Including
pro-living-impaired activists,
making the Otto Maddox art show
a perfect target.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am proud to present,
Project Zoltan.
[wheels rumbling]
[Susan groaning]
[Hannity] Doctor West,
the floor is yours.
[ominous music playing]
[whimpering]
[screaming]
[explodes]
[music concludes]
Mr. Hannity,
may I have a word with you?
[soft music playing
over speakers]
Sit.
Sir, I understand
the situation might be unstable,
but I assure you
the formula is working.
And as people say,
-shit happens.
-I'll stop you there.
This little project of yours is
costing me a shitload of money!
With all due respect, sir,
you can't make an omelet
without breaking some eggs.
And you can't make chicken soup
out of chicken shit, can you?
This is it,
I'm shutting your ass down.
You've got great qualities,
I'm sure they'll appreciate you
at Coleman Malaysia. [chuckles]
-[music concludes]
-[thrilling music playing]
[Maggie] Go, go, go, go, go!
Guys, come on.
[car door closes]
[Karl grunts]
-[both] We're invincible!
-You guys need to dig fast,
I don't know
how much time we got
-before the next patrol.
-[grunts]
Maybe you can, uh,
come out and help us.
No, we only have
two shovels, genius.
Yeah, no thanks. I'm just gonna
keep the engine running,
and keep an eye
on Coleman's Security System.
Freddy, for fuck's sake,
tie your goddamn shoelaces!
-No, I don't tie my shoes.
-What are you, five?
Maggie, it's a way of life.
The only time
Freddy got knocked out,
he was tying his shoe.
He sneezed and smashed
his face on his own knee.
-Dude, dude! That was a secret.
-Four stitches!
-Guys, I don't care. Just go!
-[Karl] Yeah.
[keyboard clacking]
[beeping]
We're in.
Debbie Jones,
here we come, baby.
[both grunt]
[laptop chimes]
[Maggie] No way.
[subject whimpering on screen]
Coleman, you shady motherfucker.
[Freddy groans, pants]
[metallic thud]
-Yeah. Yeah. [chuckles] Oh.
-[Karl] Yeah.
No way.
-Oh, shit!
-[both groaning]
Guys! Guys, guys, guys!
We got to go!
[shushes] Okay, I present to you
the Queen of the dead,
-Zelvirel-- Oh, my God!
-Oh, fuck me!
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
She's all dried up!
Yeah, super dry,
like extra crispy dry!
She's a freaking skeleton!
There's no way Maddox
is gonna pay us for this.
Let's give her a chance.
Maybe she's still
somewhere in there.
She just needs
our help waking up. Right?
Hear my voice! Rise!
Rise!
-Rise!
-[Freddy grunts]
[Karl]
You broke her into pieces!
-[Freddy groans]
-Keep your fucking voices down!
Or what, Maggie?
I mean, look at this!
We're screwed anyway!
-What could be worse?
-[gun fires]
[Karl groans] What the heck!
-Someone shot me!
-[gun fires]
-[Karl] They shot me!
-[guard] Freeze!
Stop shouting freeze?
You already fucking shot at us!
[Freddy] Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
-[Maggie screams]
-[Freddy groans]
[Karl] Freddy,
I don't wanna die.
[music concludes]
I don't understand!
We... we use it all the time!
Mr. Hannity?
[tense music playing]
[Beverly] Please. I...
I swear it's not my fault.
He got strangled
with the sex swing.
[inhales]
Well, well. [scoffs]
Welcome back, Mr. Coleman.
[snarls]
-[groaning]
-[music concludes]
-Is he able to speak?
-Short answer is no.
Oxygen shortage
and intracranial hemorrhage
will leave your brain damaged.
I need a word with him.
In private.
[Beverly] Mm-hmm.
[inhales sharply, sighs]
Bob, Bob, Bob.
-May I call you Bob?
-[Bob groans]
You've always been
a source of inspiration,
seizing all opportunities
as they present themselves,
never taking bullshit
from anyone, hmm?
Well, now, I'm seizing mine.
I'm taking over.
I've got big plans
for the Coleman Corporation.
-[vomits, coughs]
-[Hannity laughs]
[Mrs. Neard] One, two, one
and one, two...
[soul music playing]
[Mrs. Neard] And step,
step, and one, two, back.
-One, two.
-What the hell is going on here?
Social Dance Friday.
He's making great progress,
he's a natural.
[Rocco] Thank you!
And... and what have you guys
done with my place?
-We tidied up a bit.
-[Stanley] You did what?
It was dusty.
She is our hostage, numb nuts!
Not our maid!
Now, now, settle down.
I got the perfect remedy
for grumpy boys.
-Freshly baked sweet rolls.
-Sweet rolls, man! [laughs]
-[sighs]
-[music concludes]
[Maggie] We are so fucked.
[Karl groans]
I'm so fucking cold...
[Maggie] You're not dying, Karl.
[Karl] I think
I'm losing too much blood...
[Maggie] It's just a tiny--
It's a scratch. You're fine!
Oh. [gasps] Oh, shit!
You actually got shot.
-[Karl] Yeah! I told you!
-Dude, chicks dig scars.
Cheeseburgers? Really?
Thank you for
all the extra lactose, Freddy.
Since when is there lactose
in cheeseburgers?
-[cell phone ringing]
-Oh!
-[Stanley] What's up, losers!
-It's them!
Um. I'm gonna put you
on speaker phone, okay?
-[cell phone beeps]
-[line beeping]
-I think I hung up on them.
-Freddy!
-I didn't do it on purpose!
-[cell phone ringing]
-Oh, here, here!
-[cell phone beeps]
Did you just hang up on me?
-Stan?
-Maggie!
-What, you two know each other?
-No! [shushes, scoffs]
So, after all this time,
you're still
Coleman's little bitch, huh?
[scoffs] Screw Coleman, okay!
If you don't bring my 50K
in 12 hours,
this old sweet old granny
over here goes bye-bye.
Hey, hey, hey!
How do we even know
she's alive, huh?
-Good point.
-She is fine.
[Maggie] Yeah, well,
then put her on the phone!
[gun fires]
[chair creaking]
-Really?
-What the hell was that?
Uh, uh, nothing!
What the fuck, Rocco?
-Put the gun down!
-[exclaims] What gun?
Look, put Grandma on the phone
right now, or the deal is done!
-Yeah.
-[whispers] Yes.
Uh. Yes. Um.
She's coming.
[imitates approaching footsteps]
[whispers] Come on, wake up.
Please, wake up. Plea...
[Mrs. Neard breathes deeply]
[gasps] She's back!
[breathes deeply]
[whispers] Speak!
-Hello.
-[both] Grandma.
[Mrs. Neard] Oh!
Hello, sweeties,
-isn't it a beautiful day?
-Are you okay?
Is that bastard
treating you well enough?
-Language, young lady!
-All right! That's enough!
-You got 12 hours! Got that?
-[cell phone line beeping]
-So, how do you know this prick?
-He's my ex.
-You slept with the enemy?
-[groans] Thank you, Freddy,
-for the reminder!
-[garbage drum thuds]
-Shit!
-[Freddy sighs]
Okay, we need
another Zelvirella.
You mean like the one
that Karl masturbates to?
Can't you just say "jerk off"
like normal people do?
-[metallic clattering]
-[grunts] Show us!
I'm not gonna jerk off
in front of you guys!
[sighs, exclaims]
Show us the girl, you sick fuck!
[groans painfully]
[Stanley] Hey,
would you quit crying,
-you overgrown cry baby?
-[Rocco whimpers]
I've never shot a granny before.
Oh, there, there. Aw.
[mellow electronic music
playing]
[Karl] Oh, she's live.
Uh, wait. I wanna see. [groans]
[Maggie]
That totally looks like her.
[Karl sighs]
This could actually work.
So, how do we find her?
Well, they also have
a massage parlor,
and you can go
and book private sessions.
Not that I ever tried.
I'm just saying.
Yeah, I guess, there's
a first time for everything.
[music concludes]
["Electric Love" playing]
You get me high
Electric love...
-[Karl coughs]
-Username?
-[whispers] Masterbator69.
-Come again?
-Masterbator69. [clears throat]
-Just give me a second.
-How original.
-It's a play on words, Maggie!
-Mm-hmm.
-So, you do use that word.
-Double-standard much?
-[Oscar] Platinum member! Wow!
Which one
of our delightful ZILF girls
have you come to see today?
-We are here for Zelvirella.
-Of course, your favorite.
Oh, it says right here
you never claimed
your membership rewards.
Well, it says it right here.
And boy did you
accumulate some points!
So, here's your
free Platinum Membership pin...
gel for your penis...
a lovely ZILF T-shirt...
some coupons...
and, of course, our famous...
-pocket penis laser pointer!
-[Karl] Oh!
Okay, look, we don't have time
-for free swag, okay?
-[Freddy exhales deeply]
-[sharp electrical zapping]
-[groans] God. [exclaims] God!
Oh, that laser is brutal.
Uh, you can proceed to booth 23,
she'll be right there with you.
Okay.
...My super, sticky
Dirty heart
Oh, and, uh,
Platinum member's friends...
do get a special discount.
Care for a trial?
No. We'll just wait outside.
Don't touch anything, Freddy.
[soft music playing]
-[exhales]
-[moaning in distance]
[door opens]
[gulps, groans softly]
Happy to finally put a face
on my best tipper.
[Karl] Hello.
-[Zelvirella] Hi.
-[Karl grunts, chuckles softly]
[Jane sighs]
Oh, you're kinda cute.
-You too. You smell nice.
-[Zelvirella] Thanks.
-[breathing nervously]
-[Zelvirella] So?
-first time here, huh?
-Uh, yeah.
[thrilling music playing]
[both grunting, panting]
[Maggie] Just open it. Ow!
[grunts]
Are you having fun, Karl?
It's not what you think, Maggie.
Get away!
Hey, maybe we can
give them like five minutes?
-What?
-Oh, come on. He needs this.
[Maggie] I'm hanging out
of a window!
Are you friends gonna
be watching? 'Cause it's creepy.
-No! It's my sister.
-Ooh! Well, we can invite her
-if you wanted...
-[Karl] No, no, no, no, no!
-[Jane laughs]
-[door knocking]
[Oscar] Extra players
need to register first!
-Oops. [giggles]
-[door knocking]
[Karl] Look, we don't have
much time, okay?
Oh, wait, did you come here
to save me from my pimp?
-[door knocking rapidly]
-Yeah! Yeah, sure.
Wait, why?
Is he mistreating you?
No, he's just
so overprotective, you know?
It's suffocating!
Like-- [groans, giggles]
-[door banging]
-Oh, shit.
[Oscar] Hey! This is against
house rules! Open up!
Everybody out! Now!
Nobody tells me
what to do, girl.
-[Karl groans] Oh, shit.
-[door banging rapidly]
[Maggie] Oh, come on!
[tense music playing]
[Karl groans, grunts]
[upbeat music playing]
[Oscar] Hey!
Your membership is terminated!
[Karl groans]
[Chelsea over radio] Sadly,
we are also expecting
a big protest
against living-impaired abuse.
[Brad over radio]
That's a real shame
for freedom of speech. Well,
if you're traveling by car,
and don't want
to be late for dinner
you should definitely
avoid the Art District.
[radio static crackles]
Love.
It's the best feeling, right?
-I'd rather be in a car crash.
-[tires screeching]
-[all exclaim, groan]
-[clattering]
-Freddy, pull over!
-[Freddy] Okay, okay.
[sighs] Perfect.
[snarls, grunts]
-[grunts] I'm stuck.
-Thank you, we can see that.
I can't fucking believe you!
You just drove right into him!
-He hit us!
-Li-- Li-- Liar! [groans]
-Shut up!
-You okay, there? Poor thing.
-I've been worse.
-[Jane chuckles] Aw.
[Maggie] You weren't
paying attention. Again!
I was paying attention
to you being negative.
[exclaims] Again!
Would you two just cut it
for like a second, please?
[Brad over radio] In other news,
Country Hill Cemetery has been
the theater
of yet another hate crime.
The police are looking
for three suspects
driving a green delivery van.
They are deemed
armed and dangerous.
You know, the police
is looking for us now.
Wait, what did we do this time?
Oh! Nothing serious.
Just you know, um, a hate crime!
-That is a load of bullcrap!
-All right!
You said you're the brain
of the operation, Maggie.
So, you got any great plan
to get us out of this?
Yeah, I got a plan.
I got a plan.
I got it, uh, right,
uh, right here!
-That's very mature, Maggie.
-Mm-hmm.
Says the guy
who looked at his own asshole.
[zombie chuckles] Asshole!
[Maggie] You shut up!
-[Captain Picard toy] Asshole.
-[Maggie chuckles]
-[grunts, exclaims] Uh, Captain!
-There, dickless. Go, fetch!
Guys! Guys! Guys! Come on!
None of our assholes
are gonna matter
if we don't get back
on the road, like, right now!
[groans, whimpers]
Okay. [panting]
[strains, groans]
[yelps]
[sobs, whimpers]
Hey! Hey, hey, come on, big guy!
-Don't mind me.
-Shut up.
-[groans]
-How about I call us an Uber?
[cell phone ringing, beeps]
[Stanley over phone] Hey,
losers, clock is ticking.
All right!
Now look, shitstick, we're on.
Meet us at the Maddox Gallery,
with Grandma.
Take it or leave it!
[Stanley chuckles over phone]
That shitty attitude,
-I missed you, Maggie.
-[cell phone beeping]
[mellow music playing]
-[exhales] What a twat!
-Yeah!
All right, let's hope
that old glittery fart
likes bootlegs.
[Karl] Zelvirella?
Zelvirella?
Oh, shit! She's gone?
Well, of course, she's gone!
I mean, we kidnapped her!
Go get your girl! Go!
-[Bob groaning]
-[Judith] No! No!
No, oh! [gasps] Bad! Bad!
[Hannity] Is Mr. Coleman
appreciating his new scenery?
-[tense music playing]
-[Judith] Mr. Hannity.
We've made great progress.
However, I'm afraid
we need more time.
Why? I've seen the tests.
They're fine.
They looked scary.
Focus on scary and stay away
-from the party-popper heads.
-Yes, this is the formula
we have here,
but it is extremely unstable
and infectious, we don't know--
You believe
Coleman's Special Forces
can't contain this?
The protocol suggests
that we perform
additional testing.
Maybe you're right.
[lights clicking]
-What are you doing?
-Following protocol.
Oh, no! No! No!
No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!
Let me out!
We don't have a cure! [sobs]
-[Bob groans, snarls]
-[Judith screams]
-[continues snarling, grunting]
-[tense ominous music playing]
[sobbing, wailing]
[growling, snarling]
[music fades]
[Karl] Zelvirella?
-[rustling]
-[bird wings fluttering]
Hello?
[eerie music playing]
-[exclaiming] Spare me! No! No!
-Cut the crap.
-Where are you taking me?
-We're on a job,
and we're taking you
to Otto Maddox at the Gallery!
Otto Maddox?
-Artist and billionaire?
-[Karl] Yeah, yeah.
He wants you to be his date
for tonight's event.
-Oh! [moans]
-[Karl] Huh?
-[moans]
-[gasps, moans softly] Oh!
-Oh, that's so romantic.
-Ow! Watch out! Watch out.
That's a-- It's a...
It's a bullet wound.
[moans]
It'll probably leave a scar.
[mellow music playing]
[both groan, moan]
-[Karl] Oh, yeah. [moans]
-[Jane moans]
-[Freddy strains, groans]
-[Maggie] Oh, that's so gross!
You wanna know what's gross?
Is that
you ever dated that jerk.
[scoffs] Get over it.
I told you, it only ever
happened like once or,
you know... [inhales sharply]
twice. Why am I trying
to justify myself to you,
it's none
of your fucking business anyway!
-I was just kidding. [chuckles]
-Very funny.
-Thanks.
-It's sarcasm, Freddy.
[scoffs] Yeah, duh!
Yeah, I knew that.
-[car door closing]
-Oh!
[indistinct radio chatter]
Looks like you folks
got a problem.
-[indistinct radio chatter]
-[sighs]
Uh-huh.
Let me give you a hand
-with that!
-[snarls, growls]
I got just the right tools
in my car!
[Maggie] Oh, uh,
you don't have to do that, sir.
-Pleasure, ma'am.
-[zombie growling]
-He just "ma'am-ed" me.
-Did he? I didn't--
-I blacked out.
-Okay, we're so royally fucked!
No, I think if we just
play it cool, we'll be fine.
[Maggie shushes]
Yeah! I tried to swerve
out of the way but he just,
like, jumped
right in front of me!
Don't worry about it.
Happens all the time.
These sons of bitches,
they're worse than possums!
-Yeah.
-Hold that for me, sir.
Yes, I can do that.
[ranger] All righty.
Let's start with the head.
-[zombie snarling]
-[bone scratching]
Wow, that was...
-quick.
-Majestical.
[chuckles nervously]
-[tense music playing]
-[indistinct chatter]
Oh, jeez.
[music fades]
[grunts, sighs] Well.
Here you go, folks.
You might wanna stop
at a car wash,
-get rid of that smell.
-Yeah.
Well, you're a real lifesaver.
Yeah! No, that was really,
really nice of you.
-[ranger] Now, drive safe.
-[mellow music playing]
-[Jane giggles]
-[body thuds]
What the hell
did you do that for?
To save your asses!
[Maggie] That is assault
on an officer of the law!
Yeah! A really nice officer
that had no idea
that we were wanted!
And how was I supposed
to know that?
I thought that
it was super brave.
I am so done!
I will be in the van.
Fuck all of you!
Well, we can't
just leave him there.
[mellow music continues]
[music fades]
I'm Chelsea Lee, your favorite
Red Carpet correspondent,
here at the Maddox Art Gallery
where the glitterati
of Necropolis is here
and Mother Teresa is here!
Mother Teresa, oh, my goodness!
Isn't she looking lovely
in her designer robe?
Nobody pulls off white and blue
like Mother Teresa!
Mother Teresa,
you rock the white and blue!
-[chuckles]
-Martinis later? [laughs]
You should see her
on the dancefloor,
she is a maniac!
[over laptop]
Here at Coleman News,
we don't let protesters
ruin our night,
and we just look forward
to the art.
I look forward to seeing
what Otto Maddox
is going to release today.
Who knows, last time,
it was very controversial.
Tonight, it's probably going
to be even more racy.
-But Coleman News...
-[laptop beeps]
...will show you everything.
[electronic dance music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
[suspenseful music playing]
[laptop chittering]
Let the show begin.
[electronic dance music playing]
[gas hissing]
[suspenseful music playing]
[growls]
-[music intensifies]
-[gas hissing]
[groaning]
-[music concludes]
-[elevator bell dings]
[sighs]
Oh, my God! [chuckles]
Have you guys seen this place?
There she is!
[exclaims] My queen! [gasps]
I was getting impatient.
She's as magnificent
as a thousand suns rising
over the ocean.
[gasps] All of this is yours?
Oh, yes, darling, yes.
All of this, and you.
-[Otto grunts]
-You sure know what you want.
[inhales sharply] Wow!
She's in pristine condition.
Oh. Botox and fillers,
you know how it is.
I've had some work done myself.
-Oh?
-[Otto] Hmm.
[electronic dance music playing]
[growls]
-[screams]
-[growls]
[screams]
-[screams]
-[indistinct clamor]
[music concludes]
Okay! Let's get her clean
and dressed!
Stop right there, dude!
[gentle music playing
in the background]
-You got our money?
-[scoffs]
[Jane chuckles]
[chuckles] What I wouldn't give
for the golden star
of my celestial realm.
-Oh.
-[Otto smooches]
[exclaims] Stop!
Stop, okay? Stop!
The deal is off!
-Shut the fuck up, Karl!
-[dance music playing]
-[indistinct clamor]
-[growls]
-[growls]
-[indistinct yelling, squealing]
[growls]
-[tense music playing]
-[elevator bell dings]
[both scream]
You trying to ruin my mood?
No, no, no, no, no,
he's just, you know, jealous.
No, no, we like each other!
Hmm, that's real sweet, honey,
but this is a huge opportunity
for me, so.
-[Otto smooches]
-Hmm. [giggles]
-[moans]
-Oh, I'm so sorry, Grandma.
She's not the real Zelvirella,
she's a ZILF girl...
and she's the love of my life.
Okay, listen,
he is just being emotional.
What did you just say?
I said
that he's just being emo--
[exclaims] Not you!
[laughs]
[breathes sharply] I got fooled
by a cosplayer?
Ah! [exclaims]
She's a worthless fake!
Do I look like a man
you can play games with?
-[elevator bell dings]
-[Mother Teresa growls]
-What now?
-[growls]
[screams]
-[unsettling music playing]
-No! [screams]
[Mother Teresa growls, snarls]
[groaning, screaming]
[snarling]
-Yeah, come at me. [grunts]
-[snarls]
-[Don] Sorry, Karl.
-Get off him!
-[groans]
-Adios, guys!
-Go to hell, Don!
-[snarls, growls]
[snarls]
-[grunts]
-[snarls]
[groans]
-[snarls]
-[grunts]
-Shit!
-[snarls]
-[grunts]
-[snarls]
-[screams]
-[squealing]
[grunts]
[pants]
-[unsettling music continues]
-[growls]
[blows raspberry]
-[growls, groans]
-[Karl grunts]
[music concludes]
[Karl pants] I'm sorry.
Dude, you just killed
Mother Teresa.
-She was so mean!
-Yeah, super rude.
Way out of character.
-[growls]
-[tense music playing]
Hit that glittery fucker!
[music concludes]
-[groans]
-Huh! [sighs]
Not bad
for a worthless fake, huh?
[spits]
-[elevator bell dings]
-[dance music playing]
-[zombies growling]
-[indistinct clamor]
[tense music playing]
-[growls]
-[Don exclaims]
Okay. Okay. Okay.
-Play nice. [grunts]
-[zombies growl]
[Don gasping] No, no, no, no!
-[screams]
-[zombies growling]
[music concludes]
[ambient music playing
over speaker]
Why are they so hostile
all of a sudden?
There has to be
a logical explanation.
Maybe there's bath salts
in the hors d'oeuvres?
That's actually plausible.
Hey.
You really meant what you said
up there, masterbator?
You can actually call me Karl.
[chuckles]
[both chuckle softly]
I'm Jane.
-[upbeat synth music playing]
-[elevator bell dings]
Go, go, go!
[zombies growling]
Move. Move, move, move! Come on!
Guys, we gotta go! Go, go, go!
Oh, shit!
Holy fuck,
are you guys seeing this?
Yeah, it's like, uh--
-In the movies.
-Yeah.
What the hell
are we supposed to do now?
Okay, we charge at them
and we hit them
in the brain real hard.
Yeah, and don't let them
bite you.
-Great plan. Genius.
-Thanks.
-Oh, that was sarcasm. I...
-[cell phone ringing]
[Maggie] Oh, for fuck's sakes!
[Stanley over phone]
Where's my money?
Look, we have it. Almost.
[Stanley over phone]
What do you mean, "almost"?
You know what freaking time
it is? It's freaking time's up!
[Brad over TV] ...dangerous
bio-terrorists have claimed
responsibility for the ongoing
Maddox Art Gallery attack.
[Chelsea] The terrorists
have been identified
as being Karl Neard,
Freddy Mercks,
Maggie Neard, and Jane Doe.
Feminist, activist, terrorist.
All very dangerous
to our freedom.
Oh, now, we're terrorists?
No, no, no, no.
We're bio-terrorists, okay?
-It's far worse!
-Thank you, Karl,
that really helps a lot.
-Wait! Where's Jane?
-[Freddy] Who?
Look, she's right there!
-They're not attacking her.
-I know, it's weird.
It's like they're only attracted
to us. Warm-blooded.
-Look, she's getting our money.
-[chuckles softly]
-That back-stabbing bitch!
-Heart-stabbing, Maggie.
Heart-stabbing.
-[music concludes]
-[tense music playing]
[car doors close]
-[music concludes]
-[metallic rattling]
-[indistinct clamor]
-[zombies growling]
-So, we hit them in the brain.
-Real hard.
-Here.
-[soft music playing]
-Oh, 'cause I'm the girl?
-No, 'cause you're badass.
-Thank you.
-Okay.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
Before we do this,
and you know, most probably die,
I just thought
it would be really cool
to have you as a brother-in-law.
Hey, don't I get a say in that?
Okay, uh,
listen, Maggie, I'm...
I'm really sorry being jealous
of your ex-boyfriend,
who is an asshole.
[Karl] And I'm sorry too, okay?
I know, I made the plan fail,
and that was selfish.
I get it, so, I'm sorry.
You guys are so lame,
but adorable.
All right, fine. Okay, uh,
I swear to God, if we ever
get out of this thing alive,
I will...
play D&D with you.
-Good enough.
-Uh, dude, that's huge!
-[Karl] I know.
-[laughs] Okay.
-[Maggie grunts]
-[speaks indistinct]
[in deep voice] We're gonna
show these rotten bastards
-what happens--
-Hey! Ugh! [groans]
-Hold on.
-Maggie!
[Maggie groans]
You can't go into battle
with your shoes untied.
-Okay.
-[in deep voice] Okay!
We're gonna show
these rotten bastards
what happens
when Wild Gringo gets wild!
[yells]
[thrilling music playing]
[all] We're invincible!
-[yelling]
-[Freddy grunts]
-[bone cracking]
-[groans] Ow! Motherfucker!
-[Maggie groans]
-[Freddy] Maggie!
That's why we drink our milk!
I'm lactose intolerant, asshole!
-[Karl grunting]
-[growls]
[body thuds]
[Freddy] Okay, uh, all right,
uh, I'm gonna pick you up,
I'm strong enough to do that.
[sneezes]
Freddy!
[Karl grunts]
[growling]
Guys?
Freddy, come on, wake up!
Freddy, come on, please. Freddy!
-[growls]
-[Maggie] Freddy, Freddy.
Oh, shit! Oh, shit! [whimpers]
[grunts]
-[growls]
-Shit!
[gun fires]
-[snarls]
-Guys?
[snarls]
-Shiva the Destroyer.
-[growls, snarls]
[screams]
[mumbles indistinctly]
-Fucker! [groans]
-[gun clatters]
[snarls, growls]
[Freddy grunting, growling]
[in deep voice]
Welcome to Pain City.
-Population, you!
-[growls]
-[panicked mumbling] Freddy!
-[Freddy] Oh!
[Freddy grunts]
That's okay.
[Freddy grunts, growls]
-[gasps]
-[growls]
-[Freddy laughs]
-Just kick his ass already!
[in deep voice] That's what
I'm talking about! Whoa! [yells]
Hey, don't make me-- Stop!
I'll stab you, man. Come on!
[exclaims]
Oh, my God! [screaming]
-[bone cracking]
-[groans]
[growls]
[growls]
[Freddy grunting]
[in deep voice] Whoa, yeah!
-[screaming]
-[growling]
Wow! Guys! [pants]
[Freddy in deep voice] Gringo!
Gringo! Gringo! Whoo!
[exhales, in normal voice]
Ooh, that was crazy!
Freddy, look out!
-[gun firing]
-[growls]
-[tense music playing]
-[gun firing]
-[zombies growling]
-[breathes heavily]
[Karl] Oh, my God! Oh!
[whimpers, pants]
[lights clicking]
[tense music playing]
-Jane?
-Everybody, get on your knees.
Now!
I'm surprised
you're all still alive,
but glad to meet the terrorists
behind Project Zoltan.
Oh, it's Dracula's hound.
-[shushes] Shut up, Karl.
-Just saying.
This massacre just exposed
your true nature to the world.
-You filthy zombies.
-Hey, she's living-impaired.
[Stanley]
Down on the ground, now!
[gasps]
[grunts]
[tense music continues playing]
[laughs]
Oh, hey, man!
I bet you didn't see
this one coming, huh?
[clicks tongue]
Tell me, how does it feel
to be on your knees?
Now is not the time, Dave.
My name is Stanley.
How many fucking times
do I have to tell you that?
-Who the hell is Dave anyway?
-[Maggie] Calm down!
Everything is fine.
We have the money.
-My money!
-[Jane] Hey, time out.
-Finders keepers.
-Sneaky bitch!
[scoffs] Baby, I'm so sorry.
I was... I was really scared.
-She was scared, Maggie!
-She's lying, Karl!
-You don't know that.
-I agree with both of you!
Shut up!
Enough with
the fucking bickering!
Do you hear yourselves?
[mimics] "I am scared."
"I agree with you both."
I should shoot all of you
in the fucking face.
-Give me that.
-[Stanley groans] Ah!
Nice. Now...
[breathes deeply]
...where was I?
Ah, yes.
Your days of roaming our streets
and infecting us
with diseases are over.
Well, the last disease I caught
wasn't from a dead guy.
[Maggie] You know, you got
some nasty shit going on
inside your lab yourself,
I've seen it.
I bet you orchestrated
this whole fucking thing.
-So, it wasn't bath salts?
-You made them look bad,
so you could cash in on some
big ass Coleman cleanup contract
and be the goddamn hero,
didn't you?
And you all are the perfect
scapegoats, aren't you?
[laughs]
You got me!
You got me, clever girl.
Too bad no one's ever
gonna find out.
-[gun clicking]
-[Maggie groans]
-Karl, laser penis!
-[upbeat music playing]
-[screams]
-[screams]
-[neck cracks]
-[groans] Oh!
-[body thuds]
-[exclaims] Yes!
-No mask!
-Yeah, I know! It's all Freddy.
[laughs, gasps]
[Hannity growling]
[tense music playing]
-[gun fires]
-[Karl gasps]
You ruined everything,
you wretched scum!
-What have you done?
-The world a fucking favor!
[saw whirring]
You look better dead, baby.
[grunts]
[music concludes]
-Nice shot.
-Good pass.
[soft synth music playing]
[groans] Oh!
-It's a miracle.
-You fucking fucker!
Well, I love you too, Maggie.
-Yeah, nice try, shit face.
-[laughs]
Uh, guys? Hate to interrupt,
but where's the money?
And where's Stan?
[suspenseful music playing]
-[phone ringing]
-[woman on TV] Oh, we can't.
What would my father say?
-Why can't they be together?
-[man on TV] But I love you.
[whispers] Come on,
pick up. Shit.
I got the money,
you knucklehead,
I got the money, you bitch.
-[growls]
-[groans]
-[whispers] You fucking asshole!
-[zombie growling]
[breathes heavily]
[music concludes]
-[indistinct clamoring]
-[Chelsea] Any moment now.
Here they are Brad,
our terrorists are exiting
the building by the front door,
as we speak.
Anything to say
for your defense?
Yeah, we're innocent.
I recorded everything
and I have proof.
[Captain Picard toy] I recorded
everything and I have proof.
[indistinct chatter]
I do.
[static buzzing]
[synth music playing]
[Karl] Yeah,
so I skip to the end.
Oh, I know, I'm cheating.
Well, the good news is,
we got Granny back.
She's living-impaired now,
but she always thought she was,
so I guess she's finally happy.
And we didn't get arrested.
Turns out that Captain
Galactica's keychain plan
didn't work out as I'd hope,
it didn't prove anything.
But all hell broke loose.
The infection got out
and spread like crazy.
[tense music playing]
[car alarm blaring]
[Karl] Welcome to the real
zombie apocalypse.
-[helicopter blades whirring]
-[zombies growling]
[police siren blaring
in distance]
[Stanley growling]
[police siren blaring]
-[screams]
-[music concludes]
[upbeat synth music playing]
[music fades]
[mild tempo music playing]
[music concludes]