Wedding Daze (2006) Movie Script
I Iove Iove
I Iove being in Iove
I don't care what it does to me
Sing I Iove Iove
I Iove being in Iove
I don't care what it does to me
I Iove Iove
I Iove being in Iove
I don't care what it does to me
These piIIs are fine to pass
the time 'tiI I find my new drug
We'II take our chances we'II Iast a month
We'II never speak again
How I Iove being in Iove
May I heIp you?
Huh? No.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
I'm just browsing.
- Thank you.
- So Iet me guess.
Big night tonight?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
Yeah, actuaIIy. ActuaIIy, the biggest.
- ReaIIy?
- Yeah.
- Menage a trois?
- Pardon me?
I'm kidding.
Oh, a menage a trois.
French for, ''Who's that dude?''
So you're Iooking for
something for your girI?
WeII, not just any girI, okay?
The most. . .
The most beautifuI and incredibIe
and amazing and. . .
WeII, girI I've ever met.
Okay. WeII, if you have any
questions, my name is CIaire.
Okay. ActuaIIy, yeah.
Does this come in red?
- I can check.
- AIso, CIaire, does it come any Iarger?
Much, much Iarger.
Oh, no.
Hey. Is she in there?
- Yeah, she's in there.
- Good.
How do I Iook?
I see your baIIs.
Are you crazy?
Come here. Come here. Up here, up.
- What's the matter with you?
- What?
This? This is the big idea?
Yeah. Yeah. She's gonna Iove it.
- She's gonna hate it.
- She's gonna Iove it.
- No, she's gonna hate it.
- Love it.
No, she's gonna hate it more
than I hate it, and I reaIIy hate it.
You know what your probIem is, Ted?
You just. . .
You don't understand true Iove.
Oh, and you do?
I understand that there's a girI
that I Iove waiting for me in there.
And you know what? She Ioves me, too.
I stiII see baIIs.
Can I get you a drink whiIe
you wait for your friend?
HopefuIIy, in a man's Iife,
you do this one time.
WeII, I want my one
time to be unforgettabIe.
I want tonight to be a story Vanessa
and me wiII be teIIing our grandkids.
You aImost done with that baby oiI?
Yeah. That's it.
Get it in there. Soak those abs.
- I'm gonna kiII you.
- ( SIGHI NG ) Thanks, buddy.
- What's up, Iadies?
- Oh, goodness.
There you go, beautifuI.
I brought you some c-rations on the house.
Some what?
Oh, sorry. That's SpeciaI Forces taIk.
Are you in the SpeciaI Forces?
That's not something
I'm at Iiberty to discuss.
(EX CLAI MI NG )
Anderson, I seII cars.
My job is to cIose a deaI.
- Trust me. This is not gonna cIose a deaI.
- Give me the ring, Ted.
No. I can't Iet you do this.
- Give me the ring!
- No.
- Give me the ring, now!
- No.
Give me the ring!
Just give me the ring! I just want the ring!
I've got to propose!
Okay. Hey, watch the wings!
Watch the wings!
I'm not gonna Iie to you, Vanessa.
SpeciaI Ops,
it's a deadIy game.
But as a very brave
person once remarked,
''Life is either daring or it's nothing.''
Do you know who that brave person was?
My personaI hero, HeIen KeIIer.
HeIen KeIIer.
Excuse me, Vanessa.
I think tabIe 1 6 needs more garIic knots.
Ladies and gentIemen, may I
have your attention, pIease?
I am Cupid, god of Iove.
Dear God!
Shooter! Shooter! We got a shooter!
Down! Everybody, down!
Down! Down!
( GROANS )
( GRUNTI NG )
Anderson!
You know this perp?
He's my boyfriend.
I didn't know you had a boyfriend.
Anderson, get up! Get up!
You couId have gotten yourseIf kiIIed!
Vanessa, I . . .
I wrote you a poem.
(PEOPLE EX CLAI MI NG )
''I am Cupid, god of Iove
''I come from skies far above
''Bringing Iove to aII I see
''Now I have found some Iove for me''
Fag.
''And so I get on bended knee
''To ask, Vanessa, wiII you marry me?''
(PEOPLE EX CLAI MI NG )
( APPLAUDI NG )
( GROANI NG )
Vanessa?
WOMAN: Oh, my God. She's. . .
Nessy?
I stopped to think about
the bad times that I've had
It puts a smiIe on my face
CurIed up with nothing to do
Why is the sun aIways out
when I'm feeIing bIue?
It must be you
Oh, it must be you
It must be you
Oh, it must be you
When I took my first drink of aIcohoI
I saw the AngeI of Death
fIoating over us aII
With a smiIe on my face
I just wept
How does a grown man
Iaugh in the face of death?
It must be you
Oh, it must be you
( SIGHS )
( SQ UEAKI NG )
( SNI FFS )
( SQ UEAKS )
Hey, you hungry?
Did I ever teII you what she smeIIed Iike?
- What?
- Dew drops.
- She was perfect.
- Nobody's perfect.
- She was perfect.
- Nobody's perfect.
Okay. Like, you know how most
peopIe have wrinkIy knees?
Okay? Hers were perfectIy
smooth, Iike biIIiard baIIs.
- You know what I used to caII her?
- What?
- BiIIiard baII knees.
- You know what might be fun?
Not taIking about your dead girIfriend.
Huh?
I stiII see her sometimes.
- Here?
- Just forget it.
You know, I'd Iike to, Anderson,
I reaIIy wouId,
but you won't shut up about it.
She's been dead twice as Iong
as you knew her. Get over it.
- I'm sorry, ''Get over it''?
- Yeah.
How do you get over perfection?
How do you get over perfection?
You Iook around.
Maybe there's another
perfect somebody out there.
Here we go.
- WOMAN: Don't taIk to him Iike that.
- Eat that goddamn spaghetti.
This is just what the
therapist was taIking about.
MAN: We're wasting enough
money on that therapist.
WOMAN: I don't beIieve you.
MAN: Who wanted to come here? Not me.
(EX CLAI MS )
I am so sorry. What did you just do?
WOMAN: What did you do?
Satisfied? I Iooked around.
I'm just saying,
don't throw your whoIe Iife away
'cause you kiIIed your girIfriend.
- Fiancee.
- TechnicaIIy, she never said yes.
Anyway, I don't know if you're
gonna find anyone eIse
whose butt smeIIs Iike
gumdrops or whatever,
but I know you won't unIess you try.
So is that it? Is that it, huh?
You want me to try?
One time. That's aII I'm saying.
- One time. I try, you get off my back.
- You have my soIemn word.
Fine.
Fine, Ted. I'II try. I'II try.
Hey. Can I get you guys anything eIse?
( SI NGI NG SOFTLY)
That's what I'm taIking about.
Back on the horse.
Is there anything eIse I can get for you?
WiII you marry me?
Excuse me?
WiII you marry me?
LOIS: Stuart, you're fIapping. . .
AII right. Pigs? Three IittIe pigs?
A banjo? And piggies?
DeIiverance!
- Oh, my gosh! Like a machine.
- Oh, man.
- Oh, my God. Oh, you guys are so fast.
- That was great.
Okay. It's my turn, and
this is a reaIIy good one.
So I need you aII to pay attention.
EspeciaIIy you, mon amour.
(FRENCH ACCENT)
Give me the IittIe hand.
- Isn't he the cutest thing ever?
- Hey, I resent that.
Isn't it getting kind of Iate, you guys?
Oh, what's the matter, CindereIIa?
You're not gonna turn
into a pumpkin, are you?
Do I know how to push
her buttons, or what?
I am pushing your buttons.
Honey, do your charade, okay?
I have to get up earIy tomorrow.
Aye, aye, Captain. Okay.
Oh, wait. We can't do this. . .
Incoming.
Here we go. Last one.
(I NHALI NG DEEPLY)
- Four words. First word.
- Four words. First word.
- Me. . . Me. . .
- Shazam.
WiIIiam! WiIIiam! Shorter. WiIIie. WiII !
- WiII.
- WiII. Okay.
- Second word. It sounds Iike. . .
- Second word. Sounds Iike. . .
- Rockette. Boot. Shoe.
- Shoe.
You.
(BLOWI NG )
Fourth word.
- Me, it's me again. . . Me?
- Me?
- Oh, it is ''Me.'' Okay.
- WiII you bIank me?
Hey, buddy, there's Iadies present.
AII right, weII, you know,
that's just tasteIess, Stuart,
- For God's sake.
- Sorry.
AII right. WiII you bIank me?
Third word.
Saunter.
- Marry?
- Stuart, he's proposing.
Katie, wiII you marry me?
Yes! Yes! She says yes!
- Honey?
- Katie!
Katie!
Katie!
HonestIy, Katherine,
do you have any idea how embarrassing
that was for me Iast night?
I didn't say no, Mom.
I just said I needed to think about it.
What's there to think about?
That boy is a catch, and he's
crazy about you. God knows why.
Just teII me, what is it you want?
Because WiIIiam is perfect.
For one thing, he's just about
the most attractive orthodontist
I think I've ever seen.
And he's incredibIy romantic.
Mom, I know he's perfect.
I just need a IittIe time.
WiII you taIk to her, Stuart?
Not to toot my own horn,
but WiIIiam reminds me a Iot
of me when I was younger.
Are you Iistening to your father?
He is not my father.
This man is more of a father to
you than your father ever was,
God rest his souI.
- Dad is not dead.
- He's dead to me, the son of a bitch.
- Don't taIk about Dad that way!
- Don't you raise your voice to me!
- You're getting emotionaI, Lois.
- I am not getting emotionaI !
AII right.
I am Ieaving this house in five minutes,
and if you want to be on that bus,
I suggest you puII yourseIf together.
Sometimes I wonder if you stiII Iove him.
Who?
- Dad.
- Are you crazy? Are
you out of your mind?
WeII, you must have Ioved him once.
Honey, I was 1 8 when I met your father
and about as dumb as a piece of ham.
What did I know about Iove?
AII I knew was. . .
He was the hottest thing
that I had ever seen.
Oh, he Iooked Iike a panther,
a sex panther.
Sounds Iike Iove to me.
WeII, there's a big difference between
Iove and mindIess, animaIistic, carnaI Iust.
And what do you have with Stuart?
What I have with Stuart is what
I want for you and WiIIiam.
- A mature, stabIe reIationship.
- But are you happy?
Of course I'm happy. I'm very happy.
Very, very happy.
No, no. Very happy.
Very happy.
- I gotta go. The bus is here.
- AII right.
Very happy.
There she is. There's my beautifuI girI !
Hey! Keep it down.
I wiII eat your head!
I wiII tear it off, shove it up your ass,
puII it through your mouth, brush
my teeth with it, and then eat it!
- I wiII eat it.
- Smitty!
I'm not finished. Eat it!
- Dad.
- What?
- ApoIogize to him.
- Oh, come on.
I'm serious, Dad. It's just rude. Now.
Do it now, Dad.
Hey, Dave. I'm sorry.
Smitty, I'm working on
my appeaI over here.
I know, I know. I'm sorry.
You see, that's why
I Iove you so much, Baby Bear.
You got your mother's good heart.
What's wrong?
No, nothing.
WiIIiam asked me to marry him.
But that's good.
That's what you wanted, no?
Yeah.
No.
Oh, Dad, I don't know. I just. . .
I mean, how are you supposed to know
when you're with the right person?
Just Iisten to your heart, Baby Bear.
You'II know.
Hey, do you know what I
do when I'm feeIing bIue?
Yeah. You drink homemade toiIet wine.
No!
WeII, yeah.
But I aIso write in my gratitude journaI.
And every day, I write about the
things that I have to be gratefuI for,
Iike you and your mother.
Oh, here.
''December 25th, Christmas Day.
''I am gratefuI that somebody finaIIy
stabbed that cocksucker Rodriguez.''
Dad.
I'm gonna say yes.
Yes!
I mean, we get aIong so weII, right?
He's so funny. He cracks me up, you guys.
I'm gonna say yes.
That's great. Right, Matador?
I think WiIIiam is kind of a turd.
- ReaIIy?
- Yeah.
But he's Iike a turd with
a piece of candy in it.
( SPEAKI NG RUSSIAN)
Marriage isn't in our bIood.
We're circus foIk.
Gypsies roaming from big top
to big top on the open road.
You guys have been working in
the diner since I've known you.
Not in here, Katie. Not in here.
GentIemen, observe.
( SCREAMI NG )
Can I get you guys anything eIse?
WiII you marry me?
- Excuse me?
- WiII you marry me?
SeriousIy.
Think about it.
What couId possibIy be more romantic
than throwing away your entire Iife
and running off with some handsome,
dark-haired stranger you
spotted across a restaurant?
I'm sorry. He's had a Iot of syrup.
- Okay.
- Okay, he's had a Iot of syrup?
Okay, I'II marry you.
What?
Yes. Yes.
I'II marry you!
Jane! Jane! WiII you cover for me?
Where're you going?
( SCREAMI NG )
I'm getting married! To this guy!
Come on. Come on!
Go. Get out of here. I got the biII.
Oh!
Anderson.
- Katie.
- Katie. Hi.
Two kisses.
Big rig. Watch this.
Stick that arm up your ass!
Got a brand new roof above my head
AII the empty boxes thrown away
- Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah. Yeah.
So years from now,
when we're ceIebrating
our 37th wedding anniversary
and one of our friends asks
us about our first date,
is this what we'II taIk about?
I guess it is. Yeah. Okay.
And. . . And then I'II teII them the funny part.
What's the funny part?
That after we taIked about
it, you stepped in dog shit.
- Oh! I stepped in dog shit!
- Yeah.
Why didn't you warn me?
You couId have warned me.
That wouId have ruined the story.
Ah, man. Can I borrow your. . .
Oh, God! Cut it out!
ANDERSON. Okay, carefuI, carefuI.
I've never been up here before.
Yeah, it's a cooI pIace to come if you want
to get an oId refrigerator fiIIed with vomit.
I was Iooking for one of those.
Yeah? WeII, I think it's
two-for-one day, so. . .
Look what I've got.
Tetanus?
( SIGHS )
- This is stupid.
- What?
You know, this. Us sitting up here,
pretending we're doing something.
It's just stupid.
It is, right?
I mean, obviousIy we're
not getting married.
ObviousIy.
- Strangers don't get married.
- WeII, in some cuItures they do.
- They do?
- But not ours.
Not ours.
Other cuItures, far-away cuItures.
The KaIahari bushmen is one exampIe.
- And my parents did. They did.
- They did?
My mom bareIy knew my dad,
and she got pregnant
with me, and they eIoped
to this weird IittIe pIace caIIed
The House of Wedded BIiss
in AtIantic City.
The House of Wedded BIiss?
Yeah.
Doesn't that sound incredibIy romantic?
Sounds Iike a bad Chinese takeout pIace.
Yeah, weII, I mean, just because they
did, doesn't mean that we are, right?
You probabIy weren't even
serious when you asked.
Were you?
Of course not.
You see, that's what I'm taIking about.
I mean, this whoIe thing is just. . .
It's stupid.
- Wait.
- I'm sorry.
Wait, wait, wait. What's happening?
I'm just such an idiot.
Are you crying?
- No.
- Why are you crying?
I am not crying.
It reaIIy Iooks Iike you're crying.
Yeah, weII, I'm crying now.
Are you satisfied, you asshoIe?
Hey. Hey, hey.
Hey. Hey, you.
Hey! Hey.
Are you okay?
I can't remember the Iast time I did that.
I don't think I've ever done that.
- Do you want a tissue?
- No, I'm fine. I feeI incredibIe.
ReaIIy?
Why is that?
- You sure you don't want a tissue?
- No, I'm fine.
Anderson, when you
asked me to marry you,
you probabIy picked the onIy girI in
the whoIe worId that wouId say yes.
I don't think that's a coincidence, do you?
I don't know.
- Do you beIieve in fate?
- No.
Neither do I .
You see, this was meant to be.
WiII you marry me?
- TED: You said yes?
- Yeah. WeII, why not?
You know, I think this is exactIy what
I need to get my Iife back on track.
I mean, why can't two
strangers get married?
- I don't know. Because it's retarded?
- Look, you said it yourseIf.
You said I need to get back out
there and meet peopIe. Right? So. . .
Yeah, meet! Meet! Not marry!
Why can't you just date her for a
whiIe Iike a normaI human being?
Look, don't worry. Okay? It's not. . .
You know, it's not Iike we're
getting married today.
We taIked about it, and we
decided to take things sIow.
- So what's next?
- She's moving in with me.
I gotta go.
Okay. WeII, good Iuck with that.
I don't care whether you hear this
I don't care if I'm aIone here
singing songs to myseIf
There's nobody eIse around, around
Meet you up at the Indian part of the town
The town's shut down, the
peopIe Ieft with their bags
Their kids so there's not a sound, a sound
But I must get from there to here
There's a smaII voice crying on the
other side of the river from here
It's too Iate to phone her now
WiIIiam, I have some weird news.
It's good news for me.
I can't marry you.
I'II expIain everything Iater. I'm so sorry.
I Iove you. . . As a friend. Okay, bye.
Just a minute cIose your eyes
If we settIe for this
compromise I'II stay with you
The river Iooks so good tonight
Can I Ieave a message for 991 38?
I don't know what's with your friend
Phone message, Smitty.
She said she'd had
enough of pIaying games
It's from my daughter.
She's getting married.
Oh, yeah?
It's too bad you're not gonna be there
to waIk her down the aisIe, big guy.
( SHOUTI NG )
- What is this?
- I'm getting married!
- No, this.
- It's a diaphragm.
I know what it is. Not in front of. . .
PIease. PIease.
- It's her diaphragm.
- Stuart!
- Damn it!
- Jeez.
- Where are you going?
- I toId you. I'm getting married.
(WHOOPI NG )
- You said yes!
- Not to WiIIiam.
Not to WiIIiam?
His name's Anderson.
I met him a coupIe of hours ago.
A coupIe of hours ago?
What kind of. . . What about WiIIiam?
What kind of name is Anderson?
- Use your head here, Katie.
- He's bIack, isn't he?
I have to go.
Don't you think you're
being a IittIe impuIsive?
Yes! That is exactIy what I'm being.
And guess what? It feeIs great!
- You ready?
- Oh, my God.
Hi.
Hey, there, dude. You must be Anderson.
- No.
- Matador.
This is my friend, Matador.
He's just giving me a ride.
I Iike your Jew hat.
Bye, Mom. I'II bring him by for
you to meet him tomorrow!
( COUGHI NG )
- Can you see?
- No.
No probIem.
You know, this happens aII the time.
How can you see?
Just be patient!
This wiII cIear up in a second.
Okay, sIow down.
- What?
- SIow down.
(TI RES SCREECHI NG )
(KATI E SCREAMI NG )
Oh, my! Oh, my!
Oh, my!
( GROANS )
I kiIIed that feIIow.
I kiIIed that feIIow with my car!
- Oh, my God, not again.
- Anderson?
Vanessa?
Anderson?
Vanessa?
Am I dead?
You're just unconscious.
Does it hurt?
Not reaIIy.
Now does it hurt?
( GROANI NG )
You're getting married?
No! No! No! We're not getting married.
We're just. . .
We're just moving in together.
I thought you Ioved me.
I do, Vanessa. I do.
I'II never Iove anybody but you.
- ReaIIy?
- Yeah.
Of course.
Then dump her.
Promise me, Anderson.
I promise.
Touch my Iightsaber, Luke.
Touch it!
- What is that? What is that?
- It's just ice.
Okay.
( GASPS )
HeIIo.
Katie, wouId you Iike to
make the introductions?
I hit you with my car.
This is Matador.
Matador.
Here. I got you a smaII gift.
I didn't have time to wrap it.
It's a Discman.
This is my Discman.
Did you take this from my drawer?
Yes, I did.
Okay.
Matador, couId you do me a giant favor?
Yeah.
Is there some way that you couId
not press your baIIs into my shin?
- Can do.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
Are you okay?
WeII, I thought he was
abrupt, but I'II be fine.
Yeah, I think. . . I think I'II be okay.
Matador.
Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. Very good.
Okay.
Take care, now.
I wiII.
He seems nice.
- Does it hurt?
- No, it's fine.
- You're so brave.
- Listen. Listen, Katie. . .
- Hey, where's your bedroom?
- Bedroom?
Yeah. I need to put this somewhere.
- What's this?
- My cIothes.
- Your cIothes?
- Yeah, you know, for wearing.
Oh, cIothes.
Right. I thought you said ''cIoves.'' CIoves.
And I was Iike,
''CIoves, that's a weird thing to pack.''
Okay, yeah. You found the bedroom.
So, yup. So this. . . This is the bedroom.
This is the bedroom.
I shouId probabIy cIean up a IittIe.
Good. Good.
So Iisten, I was thinking about
everything and how great this is,
but it's aII happening so
fast, and I was afraid
that maybe you thought it
was happening too fast.
That's what makes it so exciting.
ExactIy. ExactIy.
That's what I was exactIy going to say.
Because personaIIy,
I couIdn't be more thriIIed.
WeII, you seem reaIIy nervous.
ReaIIy? No, no, no. I don't. . .
That's weird. I don't get nervous.
I just express joy by sweating on occasion.
- Who's Vanessa?
- Who?
You said ''Vanessa'' right
before you passed out.
- I did?
- Oh, is this her?
No. No, that's not her.
I don't know who that is.
That's. . . That picture came with the frame.
But you're in the picture.
Yeah, there I am, right there. I know.
That's because I used to do some
modeIing when I was younger.
- ReaIIy?
- Yes, I did.
I did some picture frame modeIing
back when that whoIe ''reguIar guy'' phase
was sweeping the picture
frame modeIing industry.
- That is so cooI.
- Yeah.
(PHONE RI NGI NG )
The teIephone's ringing.
ShouId I get it?
No. No, no, no.
It's my mom. I'II caII her back.
- Oh, shouId I say hi?
- That's okay.
No, reaIIy, it's weird.
I mean, I shouId say hi, right?
No, no. That's. . . I got it. I got it.
HeIIo, Mom? Hi. Hi !
Oh, same oId, same oId.
How are you guys?
(WHISPERI NG ) If she wants to taIk to me,
I'm here.
Yeah, Iisten. No.
Everything is. . . Everything is. . .
Everything is good.
Okay, sweetie.
Yeah.
I gotta go, Mom. I Iove you.
Yeah. Love you. See you tomorrow, then.
Okay. See you tomorrow.
Bye-bye.
How's Anderson?
Fine, I guess.
He says he has a surprise for us.
He's coming over tomorrow.
What's he doing tomorrow?
Coming.
He's what?
Coming.
I can give you what you want
I can make your heart beat short
I'm scared.
Give me that, IittIe girI.
I'm just a IittIe girI. I'm a IittIe girI.
(WHI PPED CREAM DISPENSI NG )
- Anderson?
- Just a minute! Just a minute.
I can be the sauce you crave
I can speII what you can't say
ChocoIate fIavored Iove theme
treat that treats you so mean
Covering your nights and days
Let me give you what you'd Iike
I can make your mouth run dry
Drink me Iike a Iiquor,
c'mon and dip your dipper
Show me what you're here for, guy
- Anderson? Anderson?
- Coming.
Okay.
( SIGHI NG )
Listen. Listen, Katie.
I think you're reaIIy neat. Okay, I do.
But I just. . .
I can't. I can't,
'cause I made a promise to somebody.
And. . .
''I think you're reaIIy neat''? God.
What you want
I can give you what you want
What you want
I can give you what you want
What you want
I can
Oh, God! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry.
No, Anderson. It's okay.
Turn around.
So what did your mom say?
Oh, yeah. WeII, she. . .
I was thinking that we couId go over
there and meet them before we. . .
Get married?
If you want to put a IabeI on it.
Great, 'cause I toId my mom we'd
go over to visit her tomorrow, too.
Great. That's great.
I was thinking we couId take
a bus over to my foIks' house.
- I Iike buses.
- That's good. 'Cause it's a bus. It's a bus.
Minty.
WeII, that's toothpaste for you.
That's just cIassic toothpaste.
( SCREAMI NG )
Oh, God!
- It's in my eye! It hurts!
- I'm sorry. I swaIIowed some. Sorry.
It's reaIIy burning.
Did you wanna go in. . .
The bathroom's right there.
- Where?
- Yup, this way. Yes. Yeah, you got it.
Maybe I shouId go out and
get some saIine soIution.
No. I'm fine.
Yeah, but maybe I shouId go, you know,
get some saIine or eye
drops or something.
No, reaIIy.
I'II go get some saIine.
- Okay. Okay. Okay.
- Okay. SIow down. What's the probIem?
I think she wants to have sex with me.
I'm gonna caII 91 1 .
I'm so embarrassed.
I mean, I feeI Iike such an idiot.
- Maybe you just came on a IittIe strong.
-Oh, God.
A coupIe hours ago, she was moving in.
AII your probIems were soIved,
rainbows were shooting out of your ass.
What happened?
Nothing. Nothing. She's great. She's great.
It's just. . .
What?
- What wouId Vanessa say? Huh?
- Oh, buddy.
I was just trying to be
spontaneous, you know?
He probabIy thinks I'm such a freak.
No. Trust me. You're not a freak.
HoId on. HeIp. HeIp. HeIp me.
I've got to go. He's here.
- Hi.
- Hi. Hi.
They were out of saIine,
so I got you some Q-tips
and some zit cream.
So you can do with that what you pIease.
How's your head?
- Oh, sorry.
- No, it's okay.
My eye is fine.
Right. How's your eye?
- It's fine.
- Good.
Wow.
- Wowee.
- Wowee dowee doo.
Doowee wowie booby.
WeII, I think we better get to bed.
I think it's time for. . .
Not. . . I mean, not that kind of bed.
Not that kind of bed.
I mean. . . I mean, Iike,
sIeepy time. SIeepy bed.
'Cause. . .
'Cause I . . . You know.
'Cause your eye and my head and. . .
WeII, if we have any
more physicaI contact,
I think one of us might actuaIIy die. So. . .
( SNORI NG )
So the weekend came and went
- I'm sorry. Sorry.
- It's aII right.
- Go back to sIeep. I'm sorry.
- It's aII right.
Sunday afternoon's a memory
She was just Iying there
SIeeping softIy in a chair
( ALARM BEEPI NG )
Are you aImost ready?
I toId Mom we'd be there
in, Iike, haIf an hour.
She's gonna Iove you!
Fourth word!
You're hoIding hands.
You're hoIding hands.
You're with friends. You're skip. . .
Wizard of Oz! The Wizard of Oz!
Diving? The Greg Louganis Story?
FIashdance!
AirpIane!
Him?
Her? When a Man Loves a Woman!
Sound of Music!
PhiIadeIphia!
Deep Throat! Deep Throat!
Oh, sorry.
Okay. You know what?
You know what, dear?
We give up. Why don't you just teII us?
- That was The AppIe DumpIing Gang.
- Oh.
It's not an easy one. So. . .
It was reaIIy good.
Thanks. Thanks. Thank you.
I'm sorry. . . Thanks.
- You're so good. Yeah. It was hard.
- I thought it. . .
- I thought it made sense.
- It was good.
- It was a tough one, so. . .
- Yeah.
And then a few years ago,
I was in a toy store and I had a thought.
What if there was a Iine of stuffed
animaIs specificaIIy for Jewish chiIdren?
And that's when the Jewnicorn was born.
Listen.
(JEWNICORN RECI TING BLESSING
IN HEBREW)
WeII, Anderson, what do you think?
Wow.
Wow.
I think it's very. . .
Specific.
In a good way, of course.
So, Anderson, what is it you do?
Oh, Anderson's between
jobs right now, Mom.
- Oh, he's between jobs?
- Yeah.
I see.
You know, maybe you'd Iike to
go downstairs to the basement
and see where Stuart
makes aII his IittIe toys.
- Mom, no. Why?
- WeII, yeah. Yes, yeah.
Oh, I think he'd be interested.
EspeciaIIy if you Iike googIy eyes.
- As a matter of fact, I do Iike googIy eyes.
- Okay.
That does it. FoIIow me, young man.
Santa's not the onIy one with a workshop.
- Wow.
- What do you think?
( STUTTERI NG )
- What is this?
- JewIa-Hoop.
Doesn't reaIIy work.
Kind of Iike you, right, Anderson?
(EX CLAI MS )
WiIIiam.
I thought you two shouId speak.
I've been here this whoIe time.
Been watching you with him.
I mean, what do you
even see in that Ioser?
He doesn't even know how to
do The AppIe DumpIing Gang.
AppIe. Dump. Ling. Gang.
That's The AppIe DumpIing Gang, okay?
That's the motherfucking
AppIe DumpIing Gang!
( SOBBI NG )
WiIIiam, you are reaIIy,
reaIIy good at charades,
and nobody can ever
take that away from you.
I had a whoIe Iife pIanned for us.
You know, a big house, three kids,
two boys and a girI, you know?
I know.
Conner, Tanner and AshIey. I'm sorry.
I'm not gay.
What?
What?
- I think you shouId go.
- Oh, yeah.
Okay. I'II go.
But this baII isn't over, CindereIIa.
'Cause, oh. . .
Oh, I'm stiII dancing.
Do you hear me? I'm stiII dancing!
Check it.
I'm stiII dancing. Who's stiII dancing?
I'm a dancing fooI, yeah!
Did you hear that?
( SCRAPI NG )
Got it.
( SLURPI NG )
We shouId get going, 'cause we're
gonna see Anderson's parents.
- I'II grab our jackets.
- Okay.
Okay, weII, this has been fun.
So, thank you.
I think they reaIIy Iiked you.
I do, I couId teII.
EspeciaIIy my mom. My mom Ioved you.
- ReaIIy?
- Yeah, definiteIy.
'Cause I got the impression
she thought I was a Ioser.
Why wouId you say that?
When you were in the bathroom, your
mom said she thought I was a Ioser.
I thought you were great.
ReaIIy?
Yeah, reaIIy.
WeII, I think you're pretty great, too.
- Sorry.
- Do you want to sit down?
Okay. Thanks.
- Thank you.
- Sure thing.
( SIGHS )
May I?
Wow.
Anderson, you have to feeI this.
Okay.
Wow. I think I feIt a kick.
Do you mind if I take a Iisten?
Wow.
- When are you due?
- I'm not pregnant.
This is my stop.
Getting off, getting off, getting off!
Excuse me. Sorry.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry.
- I feeI terribIe.
- That is your fauIt.
- Oh, my God.
- That is your fauIt.
Anderson!
Hey, there, skipper! Hey!
Who's the good-Iooking potato?
Mom, Dad, I want you to meet Katie, my. . .
- Fiancee.
- My fiancee.
Fiancee?
WeII. . .
- WeII. . .
- CongratuIations!
Hot dog! Hot dog, I say! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
(DOG BARKI NG )
I think Monitor approves, too.
( ALL LAUGHI NG )
The dog!
( GUFFAWI NG )
ShouId we go inside?
( SLURPI NG )
I've got to hand it to you, skipper.
She's a peach.
Yeah. I guess you think
I'm being pretty fooIish, huh?
Why shouId I think that?
Because I just met Katie, and
we hardIy know each other.
You've got your whoIe Iives
to get to know each other.
- What if I don't Iike what I get to know?
- Oh, that's just nerves taIking.
I remember just before I got married,
your grandpa and I waIked our dog,
had a IittIe conversation
about the birds and the bees.
I teII you,
when he toId me what he toId me,
I just about feII down.
Yeah.
I think I pretty much know
everything about that stuff, Dad.
Oh, of course you do. Of course you do.
You're a grown man.
About time that I started
treating you Iike one.
So I guess I don't have to
teII you what this is for.
I've had this cock ring since my Navy days.
I got it from a $3 whore in Shanghai.
Wow, that's a reaIIy nice. . .
It's a nice ring.
- Cock ring, Son.
- Cock ring. Cock ring.
Yeah. I don't know what it is,
ever since I Ieft the service
I've been having troubIe
with firing my torpedoes too soon.
(EX CLAI MI NG )
If you take my meaning.
I think I do, Dad.
- Premature ejacuIation.
- Okay. Okay.
- Son.
- Yeah.
I want you to have it.
I want you to have my cock ring.
I don't know what to say.
( CHANTI NG )
(WHISPERI NG ) Knock, knock.
I'm sorry, Smitty.
I just wanted to borrow your Dirt DeviI.
( SCREAMI NG )
( CRASHI NG )
(DOG BARKI NG )
Dinner was terrific, Mrs. WeIIs.
Oh, no, I won't have any of that.
We're famiIy now.
I'd Iike you to caII me Mommy.
Okay.
I suppose Anderson toId
you aII about Vanessa?
Oh. No. Yeah. I mean, he did.
Mommy.
He reaIIy Ioved her. I suppose we aII did.
I thought of that girI as one of my own.
Why did they break up?
Break up?
Oh, heavens, they didn't break up.
She died, poor IittIe thing.
Her heart just gave out
the night he proposed.
Oh, my God!
Some foIks around here bIame Anderson,
the way he surprised her and aII.
I know I do.
When she went, it just
about tore this famiIy apart.
There were nights I thought about
sticking Daddy's service revoIver
in my mouth and puIIing the trigger,
just so I couId be with her in heaven.
Mrs. WeIIs, I'm not trying
to take Vanessa's. . .
Don't you say her name.
I wiII cut you.
LYLE: We're home, Mother.
Where are you girIs hiding?
We're just having a IittIe girI taIk, Daddy.
Oh, how was your waIk, sweetheart?
- Very nice.
- Hi, honey.
I don't know what you said to my
mom, but whatever it was, it worked.
She Ioved you.
And beIieve me, my mom's not
aIways as sweet as she Iooks.
- ReaIIy?
- No, reaIIy. I know it's hard to beIieve.
Don't you have anything
you want to teII me?
Yeah.
Yeah, there is.
You Iook reaIIy nice tonight.
You're a reaI jerk.
Are we about to have our first fight?
'Cause if we are, you think we can finish it
before we get to your friend's house?
Or it couId wait.
I just don't understand.
Why didn't you teII me about
Vanessa when I asked?
- Who's Vanessa?
- She was my girIfriend.
- His fiancee.
- Okay, technicaIIy, she never said yes.
She died.
Did you kiII her?
No.
That's not what your mother says.
Look, I was gonna teII you.
Okay? Okay? But. . .
But what?
I mean, you're stiII in Iove with her?
You're in Iove with a dead girI !
- You freak!
- Freak?
Freak? I'm the freak? I'm the freak?
What kind of person accepts
a marriage proposaI
from a compIete stranger? Freak!
WeII, what kind of a person asks? Freak!
- Stop caIIing me freak!
- Stop being one, you freak!
Okay. Okay.
I don't care what you think about me,
just Ieave her out of it.
Her? Her? You can't even say her name!
It's Vanessa, you asshoIe!
And she's dead! Dead, dead, dead!
Wow. That was harsh, harsh, harsh.
WouIdn't be the first time
Iove made a fooI of me
WouIdn't even care but
now you're here to see
It comes as no surprise
Just Ieave the Iight on
What I wouIdn't give if you couId have it aII
Sun is going down
The bed that breaks the faII
CradIe and the bough
So you can take comfort now
You can take comfort now
Hey.
Hey.
We spIit up to Iook for you.
You know, when I was a kid,
I didn't have many friends.
You're kidding?
Nope. It's the truth. I don't know why.
Perhaps 'cause I was into different
things than the other kids.
Acrobats, strongmen,
makeup, that sort of thing.
Right. That sort of thing.
But I didn't Iet it bother me, you
know, because I knew what I Ioved.
The circus?
You know, the circus is a Iot Iike Iove.
Oh? How so?
WeII, if it's a good one, it's a
reaIIy good one, it's beautifuI
and terrifying and magicaI,
aII at the same time.
And you wouIdn't give up
on the circus just because
once in a whiIe a girI faIIs off
the high wire, snaps her neck.
Oh, dead girIs.
Sensitive subject. I'm sorry.
Morning.
''Prison escape.'' Honey?
( GRUNTI NG )
No, thanks.
I thought that maybe
you couId open it for me.
Oh.
Stuart?
Stuart?
(EX CLAI MS )
Hiya, LittIe Bear.
What the heII are you doing here?
Stuart, honey, are you okay?
- Ducky.
- Smitty, what did you do?
You think I wouId miss waIking
my IittIe girI down that aisIe?
- Where is she?
- Ran off with her Ioser boyfriend.
Hey! You shut up, aII right, paI?
Did she say where she was going?
( CRYI NG )
No! I don't know. No. No!
Get away from me. Oh, my God.
Hey.
Hey! Hey!
This is aII your fauIt.
You chased her away!
Lois, pIease, you're getting. . .
EmotionaI?
You're right. I'm getting good
and goddamned emotionaI.
And what the heII are you going
to do about it, you tiny, tiny man?
- Easy, LittIe Bear. Easy.
- You spineIess IittIe noodIe.
Easy, Lois. Now, come on.
Let's go find our baby.
AII right. Let me go get dressed, Big Bear.
Let me heIp, LittIe Bear.
( CHATTERI NG )
(JEWNICORN RECI TING BLESSING
IN HEBREW)
Hey! What's that?
Nothing.
(RUSSIAN FOLKMUSIC
PLA YING ON RADIO )
Take care, Matador.
- Hey.
- You never gave me a key.
Right.
I just need to pack up my shit
and you'II never see me again.
Can I get a taxi, pIease?
What is the address?
- 6 New Lane.
- 6 New Lane.
- Apartment. . . Don't go.
- Apartment. . . What?
I Iike you and I don't want you to go.
MAN. HeIIo?
HoId on. What did you say?
I Iike you and I don't want you to go.
You don't Iike me.
- Don't teII me who I Iike. Screw you!
- Screw you!
- Screw you!
- No, screw you!
God, you're impossibIe!
You are pig-headed. You are stubborn.
You don't even warn a guy
when he's about to step in dog shit.
What is that?
Ever since I met you,
I've been a totaI wreck.
Even more of a wreck than usuaI.
And screw you, I Iike you!
Yeah? WeII, you're a Iiar!
And you have horribIe morning breath.
And you couId never have made
it as a picture frame modeI.
It is so cutthroat and so competitive.
And ever since I met you,
I've been feeIing compIeteIy crazy.
And I Iike you, too!
- Okay.
- Okay.
Okay.
Okay. So we Iike each other.
Now what?
Let's go.
- ReaIIy? Where?
- Trust me.
- Where are we going?
- After you.
- PIease?
- No.
- PIease?
- No.
- PIease?
- No.
Doesn't one of them have a car?
No, not one that wiII make it.
No, I'm not doing this.
I'm going to Iose my job.
You hate your job.
Yeah, but that and my
thumbs are the onIy things
separating me from the animaIs.
Besides, I couId get arrested.
I am not doing this, and I'm
not gonna feeI bad about it.
And there's nothing you can
say to change my mind.
Hey.
Taking a test drive, HaI.
May I drive?
No.
Okay.
Love is a game for two to pIay
Don't go wishing your Iife away
Come on now
The race ain't run
Love is a game
Games can be fun
Love is a game for two to win
WaIking aIong with a great big grin
Come on now
Take a run at the sun
We're taking the car, honey!
(WHOOPI NG )
(TI RES SCREECHI NG )
Do you know where she
might go to get married?
OnIy one pIace she wouId go.
Come on now
The deaI ain't done
Love is a game
Games can be fun
Pretty soon you'II find yourseIf
Hoppin' skippin'and jumpin'
Turning somersauIts
With that heart a- Thump, thump, thumpin'
Love is a game for two to pIay
Don't go wishing your Iife away
Come on now
The song ain't sung
Love is a game
Games can be fun
Love is a game
Games shouId be fun
Love is a game
Games can be fun
- Hey. What do you think?
- Nice.
Hey, so what's their deaI?
Are they, Iike, a thing?
Like, weirdo and weirdette?
No. No. They're just roomies.
What about you and Anderson?
Oh, yeah. We make out once in a whiIe.
Hey, no, we've been friends
since seventh grade homeroom.
We entered a taIent show together
as Wayne and Garth. I was Garth.
WeII, you guys must be pretty cIose
if you're wiIIing to steaI a car for him.
We did not steaI a car.
We're just on a very, very Iong test drive.
Hey, can I ask you a question?
Sure.
You know, he's had it pretty
tough Iast year, and. . .
Ted, I'm not gonna hurt him.
Yeah, 'cause he's an idiot, you know?
But he's my best friend.
Someone's gotta watch his back.
Hey!
Hey.
- HeIIo.
- That's it?
That's aII you have to say to me, ''HeIIo''?
HeIIo, stranger?
I won't be such a stranger when I detach
your bicuspids from your aIveoIus.
Pardon?
( SHOUTI NG )
You ruined my Iife!
PIease teII me who you are!
''PIease teII me who you are.''
I'm the Grim Reaper, ass cIam!
WiIIiam!
WiIIiam! What are you doing?
Exacting my vengeance!
Again, Katie, wouId you Iike
to make the introductions?
Anderson, this is WiIIiam, my. . .
Wife! Wife! I'm her wife!
I mean, she's my wife! To be!
We're engaged!
What?
You didn't teII him?
I asked her to marry me three days ago.
I never said yes.
You accepted a baIIoon bouquet from me!
In a court of Iaw, that's the
same thing as saying yes.
- I don't think that's true.
- Is there a probIem here, foIks?
Oh, no. There's no probIem here, Officer.
HAL: This is him.
And he said he was just
going for a test drive, see?
Excuse me.
You foIks move aIong now, aII right?
Okay, Officer. Thanks.
We're gonna get going. Bye.
( SI REN SOUNDS )
TED: Oh, my.
This couId be reaIIy bad.
Hi, Mom? Guess where I am.
Oh, my word.
What is it, Mother?
Anderson's in troubIe.
It's that girI, I just know it.
AII right, you two, we're
gonna have to cut it short.
Haven't we taught that boy vaIues?
There's Iemonade in the fridge.
WeIcome to Tuxedo Depot.
I'm BiII, I'II be your conductor.
How can I heIp you reach
your formaI wear destination?
You can heIp me by shutting up, BiII.
This is a stickup.
We don't want your money.
What do you think?
I think you Iook great.
Doesn't he Iook great?
- Yeah, he Iooks great.
- Yeah, great. Fantastic.
Pizza. Gotcha.
Pizza, you're under arrest.
So,
Katie teIIs me, you know,
you're some sort of circus. . .
Freak?
Yeah, I think that's the word she used.
Yeah, I guess there aren't a Iot of
girIs that spend their weekends
Iearning how to breathe fire.
No.
How do you breathe fire?
WeII, it's Iike the oId saying, you
just pucker your Iips and bIow.
And then, of course, you try
not to inhaIe the propeIIant,
'cause you can coIIapse a Iung.
POLICEMAN 1. AII units. AII units.
Damn it.
AII right, we're moving
out of here reaI sIow.
Nobody say nothing, nobody
do nothing, nobody gets hurt.
Thank you. You've been very nice.
( SI REN BLARI NG )
- POLICEMAN 2: Freeze!
- Freeze! Put your hands on your head!
You've had a tough coupIe of days, huh?
Aside from being hit by a car and
assauIted by an orthodontist,
hasn't been too bad.
I'm sorry about WiIIiam.
He's usuaIIy a nice guy.
You know, it's funny you say that,
because I remember thinking
as he was kicking me in the face,
''Hey, this guy is pretty nice.''
I'II shut up.
You know, I just think
maybe the worId is trying
to teII us something.
WeII, Iike what?
Like, maybe you can't Iook
across a crowded restaurant,
find the person you're supposed
to spend the rest of your Iife with.
SMITTY: Hey.
You didn't read me my rights.
LOIS: And what are those handcuffs. . .
Not my probIem. TeII it to the judge.
SMITTY: Hey, put them in the front.
LOIS: Get a space heater. . .
- SMITTY: I demand to be Mirandized.
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!
- HoIy shit!
- Mom?
- Katie!
- Baby Bear!
- Dad!
Anderson, this is my dad!
Hi. Hi. Nice to meet you.
Excuse the jeweIry.
- What are you doing here?
- We stoIe a car!
- AIIegedIy.
- Oh, good for you!
AII of you, pipe down!
This guy's fugitive ass is
going back to the big house.
I'm sorry, your dad's a fugitive?
Yep.
Okay. AII right. Come on, Iet's go.
- Come to me, baby.
- Daddy!
SMITTY: So good to see you.
KATI E: You, too.
Mom. Dad.
Oh, my God!
Who the hot springs are you peopIe?
We're his parents.
- Hey.
- Nice to see you again, Katie.
Hi, Mommy?
Mom, Dad, these are Katie's parents.
Why are Katie's parents in the hoosegow?
Yeah. Mom?
He kidnapped me.
He kidnapped me from my Stuart.
What are you taIking about?
Baby, what are you doing?
Mom, Dad, stop!
Back me up. No, no!
( ALL CLAMORI NG )
( SCREAMI NG )
AII right, freeze!
You freeze!
Mom!
No. You drop that gun! You drop that gun!
Put down the piece. I wiII bIow you away.
I wiII seriousIy wound this jackass!
Don't you think I won't!
I wiII vioIate your bodiIy
organs with tempered steeI !
I am LittIe Bear, protecting her brood!
- Put that down! Put down the gun, now!
- You don't think I wouId do this?
To preserve the ruIe of Iaw,
I wiII gIadIy sacrifice this man!
What?
- Mom?
- Not now, sweetheart.
Drop it!
This is not poIice procedure!
- She startIed me.
- HeIp me up!
Give me the keys.
Give me those keys right now and
get over there before I hurt this man.
Sweetheart, get your jacket.
Go! Go! Come on! Come on!
The keys! The keys!
We're not going anywhere!
My son is not going to be
an accessory to a feIony.
WiII you get a Ioad of this one?
''My son's too good for feIonies.''
You snobby bitch.
Lady, I have haIf a mind to stick
my boot right up your cooter.
- What?
- You. . .
( SCREAMI NG )
( GUN FI RES )
ANDERSON: Katie?
Katie, what are you doing?
I don't know.
These past few days, I haven't reaIIy
had any idea what I'm doing, Anderson.
But what I'm reaIizing is
I'm standing here shooting a stoIen gun,
which, by the way, is pretty cooI.
( GUN FI RES )
What I'm reaIizing is that I don't care,
as Iong as I can keep doing
it with you, Anderson.
Because I think you can.
I think you can Iook across
a crowded restaurant
and faII in Iove with a grubby stranger.
And I think Iove can be
instantaneous and insane.
So, Anderson, for the
Iast time I'm asking you. . .
WiII you marry me?
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
- Yes, say it!
Yes. Yes.
Yes!
( ALL CHEERI NG )
Gotta go!
Let's go! Come on!
Take the van. The keys are on the hook.
- Take the van.
- Thank you.
You go, girI !
Bye!
Don't stop beIieving!
BeIieve, you gotta beIieve
Oh, you gotta beIieve
Got to beIieve
Yeah, yeah, got to beIieve
( ORGAN PLAYI NG PROCESSIONAL)
How do you feeI? Nervous?
No. I feeI good.
(MUSIC STOPS )
So Iet me ask you, when you
met this guy, did you know?
Yeah. I guess I did.
- I Iove you, Daddy.
- I Iove you too, Baby Bear.
Look at me, crying Iike a jaiIhouse bitch.
Stop it.
Take care of my baby girI.
I wiII.
(WHISPERI NG ) 'Cause if you
don't, they'II never find you.
Thank you.
My name is Doctor Favreau,
and on behaIf of my famiIy,
I'd Iike to weIcome you aII to
The House of Wedded BIiss.
A coupIe who marries here,
I personaIIy guarantee,
that's a marriage that's gonna Iast for Iife.
And we never forget a face.
Ain't that right, Lois and Smitty?
Big Bear.
Now, on to the business at hand.
Anderson, do you take this
woman to be your wife?
Do you?
Anderson?
Sorry. I don't.
Vanessa, when I met you,
I thought you were perfect.
And you are. I mean. . . I mean, Iook at you.
But then I met Katie,
and she's perfect for me.
I'm sorry. Are you. . . You're heartbroken.
Anderson, I want you to meet somebody.
You remember Morty, right?
''Shooter, shooter. We got a shooter.''
He kiIIed himseIf after I died.
Isn't that so romantic?
I couIdn't Iive without her, dude.
I know, we just met. But she's the one.
Know what I mean?
Yeah, I think I do.
Listen, babe, we gotta bIow.
I'II be in the Humvee.
Bye.
Do you want to get back
to your wedding now, son?
I do.
Son, you've got to wait untiI you say ''I do.''
Son?
( SIGHS )
I do. I do. I do.
You got a ring? Because if you
don't, we have some spIendid ones
in the gift shop for $1 9.95.
No. No, no, no. I have a ring.
I have another ring.
Remember this?
By the power vested in me,
I pronounce you husband and wife.
Everybody's gonna Iove today
Gonna Iove today gonna Iove today
Everybody's gonna Iove today
Gonna Iove today
Anyway you want to
Anyway you've got to
Love, Iove me
Love, Iove me
Love, Iove me
Love, Iove me
( SI REN SOUNDS )
SHERI FF: AII right, freeze!
I LoJacked your ass.
That's him right there!
Arrest him! Arrest him!
- Arrest him!
- AII right. Hey!
That is my ear, my friend.
Sorry.
How wouId you Iike it if I did that to you?
- I said I'm sorry.
-AII righty.
On a personaI note,
I understand we have
some newIyweds here.
Yes. Yes, sir. That's. . .
I'd Iike to offer the congratuIations
of myseIf and the whoIe team.
- Thank you very much. Thank you.
- That's nice.
- It is.
- That's cooI.
We didn't know where
you were registered.
Oh, wow.
It's a bIender.
I had some heIp picking it out.
WiIIiam?
I reaIized something today, Katie.
No matter how hard
you try to pIan your Iife,
Iife has a pIan for you aII its own.
Good Iuck.
- Thank you, guys.
- Guys, thank you.
Why is he hugging the cop?
Okay, guys, now.
- Very nice.
- No, seriousIy, why is he hugging the cop?
AII right.
On a professionaI note,
y'aII are under arrest.
Right. Just. . .
Considering we might not aII be
together again for quite some time,
Katie and I were hoping to get a picture
before we aII go off to the big house.
- What a great idea.
- The big house.
- You want me to do it?
- WouId you?
- AII right.
- Oh, come on!
Hey! You know, you are waIking
on thin ice here, my friend!
You are on very thin ice!
Let me see it.
Don't forget to push
the button for the fIash.
Get in here, you guys.
SHERI FF: CouId you aII
just scooch in a IittIe?
One,
two,
three.
I Iove Iove
I Iove being in Iove
I don't care what it does to me
Take these tattered boxes
that used to hoId your cIothes
Break them down
BuiId them back up with your bones
We swore we'd never take pictures
Pictures onIy prove you can't convince
WeII weII weII
If fingertips are reIationships
Don't use this one to point the bIame
Just sing sing
I Iove Iove
I Iove being in Iove
We'II take our chances
We'II Iast a month
You're dressed to have a good time
You don't need him
You need to be seen
I don't care what it does to me
To be the new statistic
How I Iove
How I Iove
How I Iove being in Iove
AII you did was construct a mess
You're dead to me if Iove is death
You're a memory with nothing to show
WeII weII weII
If fingertips are reIationships then
Maybe I couId use a break
She smiIes
She points at me, she says
''Baby I Iove how you sing''
So just sing
I Iove Iove
I Iove being in Iove
I don't care what it does to me
I Iove Iove
I Iove being in Iove
I don't care what it does to me
These piIIs are fine to pass the time
TiII I find my new drug
We'II take our chances
We'II rise above
We'II Iast untiI the end
I Iove how, I Iove how
I Iove being in Iove
Just me and my puppy
Together we're so very happy
And the bitter worId won't bring us down
No, I'm Iooking on the bright side of things
It's just me and my honey
Together we are so very funny
And the bitter worId won't bring us down
No, I'm Iooking on the bright side of things
And nothing wiII be taken
from my hands now
Within me
Resistance from me
Nothing can Iast
How can I pass
On Iove and understanding
Oh oh oh oh
It's just me and my guitar
Together we'II go so very far
And the bitter worId won't bring us down
No, I'm Iooking on the bright side of things
Here we go now
And nothing wiII be taken
from my hands now
Within me
A resistance from me
Nothing can Iast
How can I pass
On Iove and understanding
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
It's just me and the town
Together we wiII be the champs
And the bitter worId won't bring us down
No, I'm Iooking on the bright side of things
I'm Iooking on the bright side of things
I'm Iooking on the bright side of things
I Iove being in Iove
I don't care what it does to me
Sing I Iove Iove
I Iove being in Iove
I don't care what it does to me
I Iove Iove
I Iove being in Iove
I don't care what it does to me
These piIIs are fine to pass
the time 'tiI I find my new drug
We'II take our chances we'II Iast a month
We'II never speak again
How I Iove being in Iove
May I heIp you?
Huh? No.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
I'm just browsing.
- Thank you.
- So Iet me guess.
Big night tonight?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
Yeah, actuaIIy. ActuaIIy, the biggest.
- ReaIIy?
- Yeah.
- Menage a trois?
- Pardon me?
I'm kidding.
Oh, a menage a trois.
French for, ''Who's that dude?''
So you're Iooking for
something for your girI?
WeII, not just any girI, okay?
The most. . .
The most beautifuI and incredibIe
and amazing and. . .
WeII, girI I've ever met.
Okay. WeII, if you have any
questions, my name is CIaire.
Okay. ActuaIIy, yeah.
Does this come in red?
- I can check.
- AIso, CIaire, does it come any Iarger?
Much, much Iarger.
Oh, no.
Hey. Is she in there?
- Yeah, she's in there.
- Good.
How do I Iook?
I see your baIIs.
Are you crazy?
Come here. Come here. Up here, up.
- What's the matter with you?
- What?
This? This is the big idea?
Yeah. Yeah. She's gonna Iove it.
- She's gonna hate it.
- She's gonna Iove it.
- No, she's gonna hate it.
- Love it.
No, she's gonna hate it more
than I hate it, and I reaIIy hate it.
You know what your probIem is, Ted?
You just. . .
You don't understand true Iove.
Oh, and you do?
I understand that there's a girI
that I Iove waiting for me in there.
And you know what? She Ioves me, too.
I stiII see baIIs.
Can I get you a drink whiIe
you wait for your friend?
HopefuIIy, in a man's Iife,
you do this one time.
WeII, I want my one
time to be unforgettabIe.
I want tonight to be a story Vanessa
and me wiII be teIIing our grandkids.
You aImost done with that baby oiI?
Yeah. That's it.
Get it in there. Soak those abs.
- I'm gonna kiII you.
- ( SIGHI NG ) Thanks, buddy.
- What's up, Iadies?
- Oh, goodness.
There you go, beautifuI.
I brought you some c-rations on the house.
Some what?
Oh, sorry. That's SpeciaI Forces taIk.
Are you in the SpeciaI Forces?
That's not something
I'm at Iiberty to discuss.
(EX CLAI MI NG )
Anderson, I seII cars.
My job is to cIose a deaI.
- Trust me. This is not gonna cIose a deaI.
- Give me the ring, Ted.
No. I can't Iet you do this.
- Give me the ring!
- No.
- Give me the ring, now!
- No.
Give me the ring!
Just give me the ring! I just want the ring!
I've got to propose!
Okay. Hey, watch the wings!
Watch the wings!
I'm not gonna Iie to you, Vanessa.
SpeciaI Ops,
it's a deadIy game.
But as a very brave
person once remarked,
''Life is either daring or it's nothing.''
Do you know who that brave person was?
My personaI hero, HeIen KeIIer.
HeIen KeIIer.
Excuse me, Vanessa.
I think tabIe 1 6 needs more garIic knots.
Ladies and gentIemen, may I
have your attention, pIease?
I am Cupid, god of Iove.
Dear God!
Shooter! Shooter! We got a shooter!
Down! Everybody, down!
Down! Down!
( GROANS )
( GRUNTI NG )
Anderson!
You know this perp?
He's my boyfriend.
I didn't know you had a boyfriend.
Anderson, get up! Get up!
You couId have gotten yourseIf kiIIed!
Vanessa, I . . .
I wrote you a poem.
(PEOPLE EX CLAI MI NG )
''I am Cupid, god of Iove
''I come from skies far above
''Bringing Iove to aII I see
''Now I have found some Iove for me''
Fag.
''And so I get on bended knee
''To ask, Vanessa, wiII you marry me?''
(PEOPLE EX CLAI MI NG )
( APPLAUDI NG )
( GROANI NG )
Vanessa?
WOMAN: Oh, my God. She's. . .
Nessy?
I stopped to think about
the bad times that I've had
It puts a smiIe on my face
CurIed up with nothing to do
Why is the sun aIways out
when I'm feeIing bIue?
It must be you
Oh, it must be you
It must be you
Oh, it must be you
When I took my first drink of aIcohoI
I saw the AngeI of Death
fIoating over us aII
With a smiIe on my face
I just wept
How does a grown man
Iaugh in the face of death?
It must be you
Oh, it must be you
( SIGHS )
( SQ UEAKI NG )
( SNI FFS )
( SQ UEAKS )
Hey, you hungry?
Did I ever teII you what she smeIIed Iike?
- What?
- Dew drops.
- She was perfect.
- Nobody's perfect.
- She was perfect.
- Nobody's perfect.
Okay. Like, you know how most
peopIe have wrinkIy knees?
Okay? Hers were perfectIy
smooth, Iike biIIiard baIIs.
- You know what I used to caII her?
- What?
- BiIIiard baII knees.
- You know what might be fun?
Not taIking about your dead girIfriend.
Huh?
I stiII see her sometimes.
- Here?
- Just forget it.
You know, I'd Iike to, Anderson,
I reaIIy wouId,
but you won't shut up about it.
She's been dead twice as Iong
as you knew her. Get over it.
- I'm sorry, ''Get over it''?
- Yeah.
How do you get over perfection?
How do you get over perfection?
You Iook around.
Maybe there's another
perfect somebody out there.
Here we go.
- WOMAN: Don't taIk to him Iike that.
- Eat that goddamn spaghetti.
This is just what the
therapist was taIking about.
MAN: We're wasting enough
money on that therapist.
WOMAN: I don't beIieve you.
MAN: Who wanted to come here? Not me.
(EX CLAI MS )
I am so sorry. What did you just do?
WOMAN: What did you do?
Satisfied? I Iooked around.
I'm just saying,
don't throw your whoIe Iife away
'cause you kiIIed your girIfriend.
- Fiancee.
- TechnicaIIy, she never said yes.
Anyway, I don't know if you're
gonna find anyone eIse
whose butt smeIIs Iike
gumdrops or whatever,
but I know you won't unIess you try.
So is that it? Is that it, huh?
You want me to try?
One time. That's aII I'm saying.
- One time. I try, you get off my back.
- You have my soIemn word.
Fine.
Fine, Ted. I'II try. I'II try.
Hey. Can I get you guys anything eIse?
( SI NGI NG SOFTLY)
That's what I'm taIking about.
Back on the horse.
Is there anything eIse I can get for you?
WiII you marry me?
Excuse me?
WiII you marry me?
LOIS: Stuart, you're fIapping. . .
AII right. Pigs? Three IittIe pigs?
A banjo? And piggies?
DeIiverance!
- Oh, my gosh! Like a machine.
- Oh, man.
- Oh, my God. Oh, you guys are so fast.
- That was great.
Okay. It's my turn, and
this is a reaIIy good one.
So I need you aII to pay attention.
EspeciaIIy you, mon amour.
(FRENCH ACCENT)
Give me the IittIe hand.
- Isn't he the cutest thing ever?
- Hey, I resent that.
Isn't it getting kind of Iate, you guys?
Oh, what's the matter, CindereIIa?
You're not gonna turn
into a pumpkin, are you?
Do I know how to push
her buttons, or what?
I am pushing your buttons.
Honey, do your charade, okay?
I have to get up earIy tomorrow.
Aye, aye, Captain. Okay.
Oh, wait. We can't do this. . .
Incoming.
Here we go. Last one.
(I NHALI NG DEEPLY)
- Four words. First word.
- Four words. First word.
- Me. . . Me. . .
- Shazam.
WiIIiam! WiIIiam! Shorter. WiIIie. WiII !
- WiII.
- WiII. Okay.
- Second word. It sounds Iike. . .
- Second word. Sounds Iike. . .
- Rockette. Boot. Shoe.
- Shoe.
You.
(BLOWI NG )
Fourth word.
- Me, it's me again. . . Me?
- Me?
- Oh, it is ''Me.'' Okay.
- WiII you bIank me?
Hey, buddy, there's Iadies present.
AII right, weII, you know,
that's just tasteIess, Stuart,
- For God's sake.
- Sorry.
AII right. WiII you bIank me?
Third word.
Saunter.
- Marry?
- Stuart, he's proposing.
Katie, wiII you marry me?
Yes! Yes! She says yes!
- Honey?
- Katie!
Katie!
Katie!
HonestIy, Katherine,
do you have any idea how embarrassing
that was for me Iast night?
I didn't say no, Mom.
I just said I needed to think about it.
What's there to think about?
That boy is a catch, and he's
crazy about you. God knows why.
Just teII me, what is it you want?
Because WiIIiam is perfect.
For one thing, he's just about
the most attractive orthodontist
I think I've ever seen.
And he's incredibIy romantic.
Mom, I know he's perfect.
I just need a IittIe time.
WiII you taIk to her, Stuart?
Not to toot my own horn,
but WiIIiam reminds me a Iot
of me when I was younger.
Are you Iistening to your father?
He is not my father.
This man is more of a father to
you than your father ever was,
God rest his souI.
- Dad is not dead.
- He's dead to me, the son of a bitch.
- Don't taIk about Dad that way!
- Don't you raise your voice to me!
- You're getting emotionaI, Lois.
- I am not getting emotionaI !
AII right.
I am Ieaving this house in five minutes,
and if you want to be on that bus,
I suggest you puII yourseIf together.
Sometimes I wonder if you stiII Iove him.
Who?
- Dad.
- Are you crazy? Are
you out of your mind?
WeII, you must have Ioved him once.
Honey, I was 1 8 when I met your father
and about as dumb as a piece of ham.
What did I know about Iove?
AII I knew was. . .
He was the hottest thing
that I had ever seen.
Oh, he Iooked Iike a panther,
a sex panther.
Sounds Iike Iove to me.
WeII, there's a big difference between
Iove and mindIess, animaIistic, carnaI Iust.
And what do you have with Stuart?
What I have with Stuart is what
I want for you and WiIIiam.
- A mature, stabIe reIationship.
- But are you happy?
Of course I'm happy. I'm very happy.
Very, very happy.
No, no. Very happy.
Very happy.
- I gotta go. The bus is here.
- AII right.
Very happy.
There she is. There's my beautifuI girI !
Hey! Keep it down.
I wiII eat your head!
I wiII tear it off, shove it up your ass,
puII it through your mouth, brush
my teeth with it, and then eat it!
- I wiII eat it.
- Smitty!
I'm not finished. Eat it!
- Dad.
- What?
- ApoIogize to him.
- Oh, come on.
I'm serious, Dad. It's just rude. Now.
Do it now, Dad.
Hey, Dave. I'm sorry.
Smitty, I'm working on
my appeaI over here.
I know, I know. I'm sorry.
You see, that's why
I Iove you so much, Baby Bear.
You got your mother's good heart.
What's wrong?
No, nothing.
WiIIiam asked me to marry him.
But that's good.
That's what you wanted, no?
Yeah.
No.
Oh, Dad, I don't know. I just. . .
I mean, how are you supposed to know
when you're with the right person?
Just Iisten to your heart, Baby Bear.
You'II know.
Hey, do you know what I
do when I'm feeIing bIue?
Yeah. You drink homemade toiIet wine.
No!
WeII, yeah.
But I aIso write in my gratitude journaI.
And every day, I write about the
things that I have to be gratefuI for,
Iike you and your mother.
Oh, here.
''December 25th, Christmas Day.
''I am gratefuI that somebody finaIIy
stabbed that cocksucker Rodriguez.''
Dad.
I'm gonna say yes.
Yes!
I mean, we get aIong so weII, right?
He's so funny. He cracks me up, you guys.
I'm gonna say yes.
That's great. Right, Matador?
I think WiIIiam is kind of a turd.
- ReaIIy?
- Yeah.
But he's Iike a turd with
a piece of candy in it.
( SPEAKI NG RUSSIAN)
Marriage isn't in our bIood.
We're circus foIk.
Gypsies roaming from big top
to big top on the open road.
You guys have been working in
the diner since I've known you.
Not in here, Katie. Not in here.
GentIemen, observe.
( SCREAMI NG )
Can I get you guys anything eIse?
WiII you marry me?
- Excuse me?
- WiII you marry me?
SeriousIy.
Think about it.
What couId possibIy be more romantic
than throwing away your entire Iife
and running off with some handsome,
dark-haired stranger you
spotted across a restaurant?
I'm sorry. He's had a Iot of syrup.
- Okay.
- Okay, he's had a Iot of syrup?
Okay, I'II marry you.
What?
Yes. Yes.
I'II marry you!
Jane! Jane! WiII you cover for me?
Where're you going?
( SCREAMI NG )
I'm getting married! To this guy!
Come on. Come on!
Go. Get out of here. I got the biII.
Oh!
Anderson.
- Katie.
- Katie. Hi.
Two kisses.
Big rig. Watch this.
Stick that arm up your ass!
Got a brand new roof above my head
AII the empty boxes thrown away
- Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah. Yeah.
So years from now,
when we're ceIebrating
our 37th wedding anniversary
and one of our friends asks
us about our first date,
is this what we'II taIk about?
I guess it is. Yeah. Okay.
And. . . And then I'II teII them the funny part.
What's the funny part?
That after we taIked about
it, you stepped in dog shit.
- Oh! I stepped in dog shit!
- Yeah.
Why didn't you warn me?
You couId have warned me.
That wouId have ruined the story.
Ah, man. Can I borrow your. . .
Oh, God! Cut it out!
ANDERSON. Okay, carefuI, carefuI.
I've never been up here before.
Yeah, it's a cooI pIace to come if you want
to get an oId refrigerator fiIIed with vomit.
I was Iooking for one of those.
Yeah? WeII, I think it's
two-for-one day, so. . .
Look what I've got.
Tetanus?
( SIGHS )
- This is stupid.
- What?
You know, this. Us sitting up here,
pretending we're doing something.
It's just stupid.
It is, right?
I mean, obviousIy we're
not getting married.
ObviousIy.
- Strangers don't get married.
- WeII, in some cuItures they do.
- They do?
- But not ours.
Not ours.
Other cuItures, far-away cuItures.
The KaIahari bushmen is one exampIe.
- And my parents did. They did.
- They did?
My mom bareIy knew my dad,
and she got pregnant
with me, and they eIoped
to this weird IittIe pIace caIIed
The House of Wedded BIiss
in AtIantic City.
The House of Wedded BIiss?
Yeah.
Doesn't that sound incredibIy romantic?
Sounds Iike a bad Chinese takeout pIace.
Yeah, weII, I mean, just because they
did, doesn't mean that we are, right?
You probabIy weren't even
serious when you asked.
Were you?
Of course not.
You see, that's what I'm taIking about.
I mean, this whoIe thing is just. . .
It's stupid.
- Wait.
- I'm sorry.
Wait, wait, wait. What's happening?
I'm just such an idiot.
Are you crying?
- No.
- Why are you crying?
I am not crying.
It reaIIy Iooks Iike you're crying.
Yeah, weII, I'm crying now.
Are you satisfied, you asshoIe?
Hey. Hey, hey.
Hey. Hey, you.
Hey! Hey.
Are you okay?
I can't remember the Iast time I did that.
I don't think I've ever done that.
- Do you want a tissue?
- No, I'm fine. I feeI incredibIe.
ReaIIy?
Why is that?
- You sure you don't want a tissue?
- No, I'm fine.
Anderson, when you
asked me to marry you,
you probabIy picked the onIy girI in
the whoIe worId that wouId say yes.
I don't think that's a coincidence, do you?
I don't know.
- Do you beIieve in fate?
- No.
Neither do I .
You see, this was meant to be.
WiII you marry me?
- TED: You said yes?
- Yeah. WeII, why not?
You know, I think this is exactIy what
I need to get my Iife back on track.
I mean, why can't two
strangers get married?
- I don't know. Because it's retarded?
- Look, you said it yourseIf.
You said I need to get back out
there and meet peopIe. Right? So. . .
Yeah, meet! Meet! Not marry!
Why can't you just date her for a
whiIe Iike a normaI human being?
Look, don't worry. Okay? It's not. . .
You know, it's not Iike we're
getting married today.
We taIked about it, and we
decided to take things sIow.
- So what's next?
- She's moving in with me.
I gotta go.
Okay. WeII, good Iuck with that.
I don't care whether you hear this
I don't care if I'm aIone here
singing songs to myseIf
There's nobody eIse around, around
Meet you up at the Indian part of the town
The town's shut down, the
peopIe Ieft with their bags
Their kids so there's not a sound, a sound
But I must get from there to here
There's a smaII voice crying on the
other side of the river from here
It's too Iate to phone her now
WiIIiam, I have some weird news.
It's good news for me.
I can't marry you.
I'II expIain everything Iater. I'm so sorry.
I Iove you. . . As a friend. Okay, bye.
Just a minute cIose your eyes
If we settIe for this
compromise I'II stay with you
The river Iooks so good tonight
Can I Ieave a message for 991 38?
I don't know what's with your friend
Phone message, Smitty.
She said she'd had
enough of pIaying games
It's from my daughter.
She's getting married.
Oh, yeah?
It's too bad you're not gonna be there
to waIk her down the aisIe, big guy.
( SHOUTI NG )
- What is this?
- I'm getting married!
- No, this.
- It's a diaphragm.
I know what it is. Not in front of. . .
PIease. PIease.
- It's her diaphragm.
- Stuart!
- Damn it!
- Jeez.
- Where are you going?
- I toId you. I'm getting married.
(WHOOPI NG )
- You said yes!
- Not to WiIIiam.
Not to WiIIiam?
His name's Anderson.
I met him a coupIe of hours ago.
A coupIe of hours ago?
What kind of. . . What about WiIIiam?
What kind of name is Anderson?
- Use your head here, Katie.
- He's bIack, isn't he?
I have to go.
Don't you think you're
being a IittIe impuIsive?
Yes! That is exactIy what I'm being.
And guess what? It feeIs great!
- You ready?
- Oh, my God.
Hi.
Hey, there, dude. You must be Anderson.
- No.
- Matador.
This is my friend, Matador.
He's just giving me a ride.
I Iike your Jew hat.
Bye, Mom. I'II bring him by for
you to meet him tomorrow!
( COUGHI NG )
- Can you see?
- No.
No probIem.
You know, this happens aII the time.
How can you see?
Just be patient!
This wiII cIear up in a second.
Okay, sIow down.
- What?
- SIow down.
(TI RES SCREECHI NG )
(KATI E SCREAMI NG )
Oh, my! Oh, my!
Oh, my!
( GROANS )
I kiIIed that feIIow.
I kiIIed that feIIow with my car!
- Oh, my God, not again.
- Anderson?
Vanessa?
Anderson?
Vanessa?
Am I dead?
You're just unconscious.
Does it hurt?
Not reaIIy.
Now does it hurt?
( GROANI NG )
You're getting married?
No! No! No! We're not getting married.
We're just. . .
We're just moving in together.
I thought you Ioved me.
I do, Vanessa. I do.
I'II never Iove anybody but you.
- ReaIIy?
- Yeah.
Of course.
Then dump her.
Promise me, Anderson.
I promise.
Touch my Iightsaber, Luke.
Touch it!
- What is that? What is that?
- It's just ice.
Okay.
( GASPS )
HeIIo.
Katie, wouId you Iike to
make the introductions?
I hit you with my car.
This is Matador.
Matador.
Here. I got you a smaII gift.
I didn't have time to wrap it.
It's a Discman.
This is my Discman.
Did you take this from my drawer?
Yes, I did.
Okay.
Matador, couId you do me a giant favor?
Yeah.
Is there some way that you couId
not press your baIIs into my shin?
- Can do.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
Are you okay?
WeII, I thought he was
abrupt, but I'II be fine.
Yeah, I think. . . I think I'II be okay.
Matador.
Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. Very good.
Okay.
Take care, now.
I wiII.
He seems nice.
- Does it hurt?
- No, it's fine.
- You're so brave.
- Listen. Listen, Katie. . .
- Hey, where's your bedroom?
- Bedroom?
Yeah. I need to put this somewhere.
- What's this?
- My cIothes.
- Your cIothes?
- Yeah, you know, for wearing.
Oh, cIothes.
Right. I thought you said ''cIoves.'' CIoves.
And I was Iike,
''CIoves, that's a weird thing to pack.''
Okay, yeah. You found the bedroom.
So, yup. So this. . . This is the bedroom.
This is the bedroom.
I shouId probabIy cIean up a IittIe.
Good. Good.
So Iisten, I was thinking about
everything and how great this is,
but it's aII happening so
fast, and I was afraid
that maybe you thought it
was happening too fast.
That's what makes it so exciting.
ExactIy. ExactIy.
That's what I was exactIy going to say.
Because personaIIy,
I couIdn't be more thriIIed.
WeII, you seem reaIIy nervous.
ReaIIy? No, no, no. I don't. . .
That's weird. I don't get nervous.
I just express joy by sweating on occasion.
- Who's Vanessa?
- Who?
You said ''Vanessa'' right
before you passed out.
- I did?
- Oh, is this her?
No. No, that's not her.
I don't know who that is.
That's. . . That picture came with the frame.
But you're in the picture.
Yeah, there I am, right there. I know.
That's because I used to do some
modeIing when I was younger.
- ReaIIy?
- Yes, I did.
I did some picture frame modeIing
back when that whoIe ''reguIar guy'' phase
was sweeping the picture
frame modeIing industry.
- That is so cooI.
- Yeah.
(PHONE RI NGI NG )
The teIephone's ringing.
ShouId I get it?
No. No, no, no.
It's my mom. I'II caII her back.
- Oh, shouId I say hi?
- That's okay.
No, reaIIy, it's weird.
I mean, I shouId say hi, right?
No, no. That's. . . I got it. I got it.
HeIIo, Mom? Hi. Hi !
Oh, same oId, same oId.
How are you guys?
(WHISPERI NG ) If she wants to taIk to me,
I'm here.
Yeah, Iisten. No.
Everything is. . . Everything is. . .
Everything is good.
Okay, sweetie.
Yeah.
I gotta go, Mom. I Iove you.
Yeah. Love you. See you tomorrow, then.
Okay. See you tomorrow.
Bye-bye.
How's Anderson?
Fine, I guess.
He says he has a surprise for us.
He's coming over tomorrow.
What's he doing tomorrow?
Coming.
He's what?
Coming.
I can give you what you want
I can make your heart beat short
I'm scared.
Give me that, IittIe girI.
I'm just a IittIe girI. I'm a IittIe girI.
(WHI PPED CREAM DISPENSI NG )
- Anderson?
- Just a minute! Just a minute.
I can be the sauce you crave
I can speII what you can't say
ChocoIate fIavored Iove theme
treat that treats you so mean
Covering your nights and days
Let me give you what you'd Iike
I can make your mouth run dry
Drink me Iike a Iiquor,
c'mon and dip your dipper
Show me what you're here for, guy
- Anderson? Anderson?
- Coming.
Okay.
( SIGHI NG )
Listen. Listen, Katie.
I think you're reaIIy neat. Okay, I do.
But I just. . .
I can't. I can't,
'cause I made a promise to somebody.
And. . .
''I think you're reaIIy neat''? God.
What you want
I can give you what you want
What you want
I can give you what you want
What you want
I can
Oh, God! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry.
No, Anderson. It's okay.
Turn around.
So what did your mom say?
Oh, yeah. WeII, she. . .
I was thinking that we couId go over
there and meet them before we. . .
Get married?
If you want to put a IabeI on it.
Great, 'cause I toId my mom we'd
go over to visit her tomorrow, too.
Great. That's great.
I was thinking we couId take
a bus over to my foIks' house.
- I Iike buses.
- That's good. 'Cause it's a bus. It's a bus.
Minty.
WeII, that's toothpaste for you.
That's just cIassic toothpaste.
( SCREAMI NG )
Oh, God!
- It's in my eye! It hurts!
- I'm sorry. I swaIIowed some. Sorry.
It's reaIIy burning.
Did you wanna go in. . .
The bathroom's right there.
- Where?
- Yup, this way. Yes. Yeah, you got it.
Maybe I shouId go out and
get some saIine soIution.
No. I'm fine.
Yeah, but maybe I shouId go, you know,
get some saIine or eye
drops or something.
No, reaIIy.
I'II go get some saIine.
- Okay. Okay. Okay.
- Okay. SIow down. What's the probIem?
I think she wants to have sex with me.
I'm gonna caII 91 1 .
I'm so embarrassed.
I mean, I feeI Iike such an idiot.
- Maybe you just came on a IittIe strong.
-Oh, God.
A coupIe hours ago, she was moving in.
AII your probIems were soIved,
rainbows were shooting out of your ass.
What happened?
Nothing. Nothing. She's great. She's great.
It's just. . .
What?
- What wouId Vanessa say? Huh?
- Oh, buddy.
I was just trying to be
spontaneous, you know?
He probabIy thinks I'm such a freak.
No. Trust me. You're not a freak.
HoId on. HeIp. HeIp. HeIp me.
I've got to go. He's here.
- Hi.
- Hi. Hi.
They were out of saIine,
so I got you some Q-tips
and some zit cream.
So you can do with that what you pIease.
How's your head?
- Oh, sorry.
- No, it's okay.
My eye is fine.
Right. How's your eye?
- It's fine.
- Good.
Wow.
- Wowee.
- Wowee dowee doo.
Doowee wowie booby.
WeII, I think we better get to bed.
I think it's time for. . .
Not. . . I mean, not that kind of bed.
Not that kind of bed.
I mean. . . I mean, Iike,
sIeepy time. SIeepy bed.
'Cause. . .
'Cause I . . . You know.
'Cause your eye and my head and. . .
WeII, if we have any
more physicaI contact,
I think one of us might actuaIIy die. So. . .
( SNORI NG )
So the weekend came and went
- I'm sorry. Sorry.
- It's aII right.
- Go back to sIeep. I'm sorry.
- It's aII right.
Sunday afternoon's a memory
She was just Iying there
SIeeping softIy in a chair
( ALARM BEEPI NG )
Are you aImost ready?
I toId Mom we'd be there
in, Iike, haIf an hour.
She's gonna Iove you!
Fourth word!
You're hoIding hands.
You're hoIding hands.
You're with friends. You're skip. . .
Wizard of Oz! The Wizard of Oz!
Diving? The Greg Louganis Story?
FIashdance!
AirpIane!
Him?
Her? When a Man Loves a Woman!
Sound of Music!
PhiIadeIphia!
Deep Throat! Deep Throat!
Oh, sorry.
Okay. You know what?
You know what, dear?
We give up. Why don't you just teII us?
- That was The AppIe DumpIing Gang.
- Oh.
It's not an easy one. So. . .
It was reaIIy good.
Thanks. Thanks. Thank you.
I'm sorry. . . Thanks.
- You're so good. Yeah. It was hard.
- I thought it. . .
- I thought it made sense.
- It was good.
- It was a tough one, so. . .
- Yeah.
And then a few years ago,
I was in a toy store and I had a thought.
What if there was a Iine of stuffed
animaIs specificaIIy for Jewish chiIdren?
And that's when the Jewnicorn was born.
Listen.
(JEWNICORN RECI TING BLESSING
IN HEBREW)
WeII, Anderson, what do you think?
Wow.
Wow.
I think it's very. . .
Specific.
In a good way, of course.
So, Anderson, what is it you do?
Oh, Anderson's between
jobs right now, Mom.
- Oh, he's between jobs?
- Yeah.
I see.
You know, maybe you'd Iike to
go downstairs to the basement
and see where Stuart
makes aII his IittIe toys.
- Mom, no. Why?
- WeII, yeah. Yes, yeah.
Oh, I think he'd be interested.
EspeciaIIy if you Iike googIy eyes.
- As a matter of fact, I do Iike googIy eyes.
- Okay.
That does it. FoIIow me, young man.
Santa's not the onIy one with a workshop.
- Wow.
- What do you think?
( STUTTERI NG )
- What is this?
- JewIa-Hoop.
Doesn't reaIIy work.
Kind of Iike you, right, Anderson?
(EX CLAI MS )
WiIIiam.
I thought you two shouId speak.
I've been here this whoIe time.
Been watching you with him.
I mean, what do you
even see in that Ioser?
He doesn't even know how to
do The AppIe DumpIing Gang.
AppIe. Dump. Ling. Gang.
That's The AppIe DumpIing Gang, okay?
That's the motherfucking
AppIe DumpIing Gang!
( SOBBI NG )
WiIIiam, you are reaIIy,
reaIIy good at charades,
and nobody can ever
take that away from you.
I had a whoIe Iife pIanned for us.
You know, a big house, three kids,
two boys and a girI, you know?
I know.
Conner, Tanner and AshIey. I'm sorry.
I'm not gay.
What?
What?
- I think you shouId go.
- Oh, yeah.
Okay. I'II go.
But this baII isn't over, CindereIIa.
'Cause, oh. . .
Oh, I'm stiII dancing.
Do you hear me? I'm stiII dancing!
Check it.
I'm stiII dancing. Who's stiII dancing?
I'm a dancing fooI, yeah!
Did you hear that?
( SCRAPI NG )
Got it.
( SLURPI NG )
We shouId get going, 'cause we're
gonna see Anderson's parents.
- I'II grab our jackets.
- Okay.
Okay, weII, this has been fun.
So, thank you.
I think they reaIIy Iiked you.
I do, I couId teII.
EspeciaIIy my mom. My mom Ioved you.
- ReaIIy?
- Yeah, definiteIy.
'Cause I got the impression
she thought I was a Ioser.
Why wouId you say that?
When you were in the bathroom, your
mom said she thought I was a Ioser.
I thought you were great.
ReaIIy?
Yeah, reaIIy.
WeII, I think you're pretty great, too.
- Sorry.
- Do you want to sit down?
Okay. Thanks.
- Thank you.
- Sure thing.
( SIGHS )
May I?
Wow.
Anderson, you have to feeI this.
Okay.
Wow. I think I feIt a kick.
Do you mind if I take a Iisten?
Wow.
- When are you due?
- I'm not pregnant.
This is my stop.
Getting off, getting off, getting off!
Excuse me. Sorry.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry.
- I feeI terribIe.
- That is your fauIt.
- Oh, my God.
- That is your fauIt.
Anderson!
Hey, there, skipper! Hey!
Who's the good-Iooking potato?
Mom, Dad, I want you to meet Katie, my. . .
- Fiancee.
- My fiancee.
Fiancee?
WeII. . .
- WeII. . .
- CongratuIations!
Hot dog! Hot dog, I say! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
(DOG BARKI NG )
I think Monitor approves, too.
( ALL LAUGHI NG )
The dog!
( GUFFAWI NG )
ShouId we go inside?
( SLURPI NG )
I've got to hand it to you, skipper.
She's a peach.
Yeah. I guess you think
I'm being pretty fooIish, huh?
Why shouId I think that?
Because I just met Katie, and
we hardIy know each other.
You've got your whoIe Iives
to get to know each other.
- What if I don't Iike what I get to know?
- Oh, that's just nerves taIking.
I remember just before I got married,
your grandpa and I waIked our dog,
had a IittIe conversation
about the birds and the bees.
I teII you,
when he toId me what he toId me,
I just about feII down.
Yeah.
I think I pretty much know
everything about that stuff, Dad.
Oh, of course you do. Of course you do.
You're a grown man.
About time that I started
treating you Iike one.
So I guess I don't have to
teII you what this is for.
I've had this cock ring since my Navy days.
I got it from a $3 whore in Shanghai.
Wow, that's a reaIIy nice. . .
It's a nice ring.
- Cock ring, Son.
- Cock ring. Cock ring.
Yeah. I don't know what it is,
ever since I Ieft the service
I've been having troubIe
with firing my torpedoes too soon.
(EX CLAI MI NG )
If you take my meaning.
I think I do, Dad.
- Premature ejacuIation.
- Okay. Okay.
- Son.
- Yeah.
I want you to have it.
I want you to have my cock ring.
I don't know what to say.
( CHANTI NG )
(WHISPERI NG ) Knock, knock.
I'm sorry, Smitty.
I just wanted to borrow your Dirt DeviI.
( SCREAMI NG )
( CRASHI NG )
(DOG BARKI NG )
Dinner was terrific, Mrs. WeIIs.
Oh, no, I won't have any of that.
We're famiIy now.
I'd Iike you to caII me Mommy.
Okay.
I suppose Anderson toId
you aII about Vanessa?
Oh. No. Yeah. I mean, he did.
Mommy.
He reaIIy Ioved her. I suppose we aII did.
I thought of that girI as one of my own.
Why did they break up?
Break up?
Oh, heavens, they didn't break up.
She died, poor IittIe thing.
Her heart just gave out
the night he proposed.
Oh, my God!
Some foIks around here bIame Anderson,
the way he surprised her and aII.
I know I do.
When she went, it just
about tore this famiIy apart.
There were nights I thought about
sticking Daddy's service revoIver
in my mouth and puIIing the trigger,
just so I couId be with her in heaven.
Mrs. WeIIs, I'm not trying
to take Vanessa's. . .
Don't you say her name.
I wiII cut you.
LYLE: We're home, Mother.
Where are you girIs hiding?
We're just having a IittIe girI taIk, Daddy.
Oh, how was your waIk, sweetheart?
- Very nice.
- Hi, honey.
I don't know what you said to my
mom, but whatever it was, it worked.
She Ioved you.
And beIieve me, my mom's not
aIways as sweet as she Iooks.
- ReaIIy?
- No, reaIIy. I know it's hard to beIieve.
Don't you have anything
you want to teII me?
Yeah.
Yeah, there is.
You Iook reaIIy nice tonight.
You're a reaI jerk.
Are we about to have our first fight?
'Cause if we are, you think we can finish it
before we get to your friend's house?
Or it couId wait.
I just don't understand.
Why didn't you teII me about
Vanessa when I asked?
- Who's Vanessa?
- She was my girIfriend.
- His fiancee.
- Okay, technicaIIy, she never said yes.
She died.
Did you kiII her?
No.
That's not what your mother says.
Look, I was gonna teII you.
Okay? Okay? But. . .
But what?
I mean, you're stiII in Iove with her?
You're in Iove with a dead girI !
- You freak!
- Freak?
Freak? I'm the freak? I'm the freak?
What kind of person accepts
a marriage proposaI
from a compIete stranger? Freak!
WeII, what kind of a person asks? Freak!
- Stop caIIing me freak!
- Stop being one, you freak!
Okay. Okay.
I don't care what you think about me,
just Ieave her out of it.
Her? Her? You can't even say her name!
It's Vanessa, you asshoIe!
And she's dead! Dead, dead, dead!
Wow. That was harsh, harsh, harsh.
WouIdn't be the first time
Iove made a fooI of me
WouIdn't even care but
now you're here to see
It comes as no surprise
Just Ieave the Iight on
What I wouIdn't give if you couId have it aII
Sun is going down
The bed that breaks the faII
CradIe and the bough
So you can take comfort now
You can take comfort now
Hey.
Hey.
We spIit up to Iook for you.
You know, when I was a kid,
I didn't have many friends.
You're kidding?
Nope. It's the truth. I don't know why.
Perhaps 'cause I was into different
things than the other kids.
Acrobats, strongmen,
makeup, that sort of thing.
Right. That sort of thing.
But I didn't Iet it bother me, you
know, because I knew what I Ioved.
The circus?
You know, the circus is a Iot Iike Iove.
Oh? How so?
WeII, if it's a good one, it's a
reaIIy good one, it's beautifuI
and terrifying and magicaI,
aII at the same time.
And you wouIdn't give up
on the circus just because
once in a whiIe a girI faIIs off
the high wire, snaps her neck.
Oh, dead girIs.
Sensitive subject. I'm sorry.
Morning.
''Prison escape.'' Honey?
( GRUNTI NG )
No, thanks.
I thought that maybe
you couId open it for me.
Oh.
Stuart?
Stuart?
(EX CLAI MS )
Hiya, LittIe Bear.
What the heII are you doing here?
Stuart, honey, are you okay?
- Ducky.
- Smitty, what did you do?
You think I wouId miss waIking
my IittIe girI down that aisIe?
- Where is she?
- Ran off with her Ioser boyfriend.
Hey! You shut up, aII right, paI?
Did she say where she was going?
( CRYI NG )
No! I don't know. No. No!
Get away from me. Oh, my God.
Hey.
Hey! Hey!
This is aII your fauIt.
You chased her away!
Lois, pIease, you're getting. . .
EmotionaI?
You're right. I'm getting good
and goddamned emotionaI.
And what the heII are you going
to do about it, you tiny, tiny man?
- Easy, LittIe Bear. Easy.
- You spineIess IittIe noodIe.
Easy, Lois. Now, come on.
Let's go find our baby.
AII right. Let me go get dressed, Big Bear.
Let me heIp, LittIe Bear.
( CHATTERI NG )
(JEWNICORN RECI TING BLESSING
IN HEBREW)
Hey! What's that?
Nothing.
(RUSSIAN FOLKMUSIC
PLA YING ON RADIO )
Take care, Matador.
- Hey.
- You never gave me a key.
Right.
I just need to pack up my shit
and you'II never see me again.
Can I get a taxi, pIease?
What is the address?
- 6 New Lane.
- 6 New Lane.
- Apartment. . . Don't go.
- Apartment. . . What?
I Iike you and I don't want you to go.
MAN. HeIIo?
HoId on. What did you say?
I Iike you and I don't want you to go.
You don't Iike me.
- Don't teII me who I Iike. Screw you!
- Screw you!
- Screw you!
- No, screw you!
God, you're impossibIe!
You are pig-headed. You are stubborn.
You don't even warn a guy
when he's about to step in dog shit.
What is that?
Ever since I met you,
I've been a totaI wreck.
Even more of a wreck than usuaI.
And screw you, I Iike you!
Yeah? WeII, you're a Iiar!
And you have horribIe morning breath.
And you couId never have made
it as a picture frame modeI.
It is so cutthroat and so competitive.
And ever since I met you,
I've been feeIing compIeteIy crazy.
And I Iike you, too!
- Okay.
- Okay.
Okay.
Okay. So we Iike each other.
Now what?
Let's go.
- ReaIIy? Where?
- Trust me.
- Where are we going?
- After you.
- PIease?
- No.
- PIease?
- No.
- PIease?
- No.
Doesn't one of them have a car?
No, not one that wiII make it.
No, I'm not doing this.
I'm going to Iose my job.
You hate your job.
Yeah, but that and my
thumbs are the onIy things
separating me from the animaIs.
Besides, I couId get arrested.
I am not doing this, and I'm
not gonna feeI bad about it.
And there's nothing you can
say to change my mind.
Hey.
Taking a test drive, HaI.
May I drive?
No.
Okay.
Love is a game for two to pIay
Don't go wishing your Iife away
Come on now
The race ain't run
Love is a game
Games can be fun
Love is a game for two to win
WaIking aIong with a great big grin
Come on now
Take a run at the sun
We're taking the car, honey!
(WHOOPI NG )
(TI RES SCREECHI NG )
Do you know where she
might go to get married?
OnIy one pIace she wouId go.
Come on now
The deaI ain't done
Love is a game
Games can be fun
Pretty soon you'II find yourseIf
Hoppin' skippin'and jumpin'
Turning somersauIts
With that heart a- Thump, thump, thumpin'
Love is a game for two to pIay
Don't go wishing your Iife away
Come on now
The song ain't sung
Love is a game
Games can be fun
Love is a game
Games shouId be fun
Love is a game
Games can be fun
- Hey. What do you think?
- Nice.
Hey, so what's their deaI?
Are they, Iike, a thing?
Like, weirdo and weirdette?
No. No. They're just roomies.
What about you and Anderson?
Oh, yeah. We make out once in a whiIe.
Hey, no, we've been friends
since seventh grade homeroom.
We entered a taIent show together
as Wayne and Garth. I was Garth.
WeII, you guys must be pretty cIose
if you're wiIIing to steaI a car for him.
We did not steaI a car.
We're just on a very, very Iong test drive.
Hey, can I ask you a question?
Sure.
You know, he's had it pretty
tough Iast year, and. . .
Ted, I'm not gonna hurt him.
Yeah, 'cause he's an idiot, you know?
But he's my best friend.
Someone's gotta watch his back.
Hey!
Hey.
- HeIIo.
- That's it?
That's aII you have to say to me, ''HeIIo''?
HeIIo, stranger?
I won't be such a stranger when I detach
your bicuspids from your aIveoIus.
Pardon?
( SHOUTI NG )
You ruined my Iife!
PIease teII me who you are!
''PIease teII me who you are.''
I'm the Grim Reaper, ass cIam!
WiIIiam!
WiIIiam! What are you doing?
Exacting my vengeance!
Again, Katie, wouId you Iike
to make the introductions?
Anderson, this is WiIIiam, my. . .
Wife! Wife! I'm her wife!
I mean, she's my wife! To be!
We're engaged!
What?
You didn't teII him?
I asked her to marry me three days ago.
I never said yes.
You accepted a baIIoon bouquet from me!
In a court of Iaw, that's the
same thing as saying yes.
- I don't think that's true.
- Is there a probIem here, foIks?
Oh, no. There's no probIem here, Officer.
HAL: This is him.
And he said he was just
going for a test drive, see?
Excuse me.
You foIks move aIong now, aII right?
Okay, Officer. Thanks.
We're gonna get going. Bye.
( SI REN SOUNDS )
TED: Oh, my.
This couId be reaIIy bad.
Hi, Mom? Guess where I am.
Oh, my word.
What is it, Mother?
Anderson's in troubIe.
It's that girI, I just know it.
AII right, you two, we're
gonna have to cut it short.
Haven't we taught that boy vaIues?
There's Iemonade in the fridge.
WeIcome to Tuxedo Depot.
I'm BiII, I'II be your conductor.
How can I heIp you reach
your formaI wear destination?
You can heIp me by shutting up, BiII.
This is a stickup.
We don't want your money.
What do you think?
I think you Iook great.
Doesn't he Iook great?
- Yeah, he Iooks great.
- Yeah, great. Fantastic.
Pizza. Gotcha.
Pizza, you're under arrest.
So,
Katie teIIs me, you know,
you're some sort of circus. . .
Freak?
Yeah, I think that's the word she used.
Yeah, I guess there aren't a Iot of
girIs that spend their weekends
Iearning how to breathe fire.
No.
How do you breathe fire?
WeII, it's Iike the oId saying, you
just pucker your Iips and bIow.
And then, of course, you try
not to inhaIe the propeIIant,
'cause you can coIIapse a Iung.
POLICEMAN 1. AII units. AII units.
Damn it.
AII right, we're moving
out of here reaI sIow.
Nobody say nothing, nobody
do nothing, nobody gets hurt.
Thank you. You've been very nice.
( SI REN BLARI NG )
- POLICEMAN 2: Freeze!
- Freeze! Put your hands on your head!
You've had a tough coupIe of days, huh?
Aside from being hit by a car and
assauIted by an orthodontist,
hasn't been too bad.
I'm sorry about WiIIiam.
He's usuaIIy a nice guy.
You know, it's funny you say that,
because I remember thinking
as he was kicking me in the face,
''Hey, this guy is pretty nice.''
I'II shut up.
You know, I just think
maybe the worId is trying
to teII us something.
WeII, Iike what?
Like, maybe you can't Iook
across a crowded restaurant,
find the person you're supposed
to spend the rest of your Iife with.
SMITTY: Hey.
You didn't read me my rights.
LOIS: And what are those handcuffs. . .
Not my probIem. TeII it to the judge.
SMITTY: Hey, put them in the front.
LOIS: Get a space heater. . .
- SMITTY: I demand to be Mirandized.
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!
- HoIy shit!
- Mom?
- Katie!
- Baby Bear!
- Dad!
Anderson, this is my dad!
Hi. Hi. Nice to meet you.
Excuse the jeweIry.
- What are you doing here?
- We stoIe a car!
- AIIegedIy.
- Oh, good for you!
AII of you, pipe down!
This guy's fugitive ass is
going back to the big house.
I'm sorry, your dad's a fugitive?
Yep.
Okay. AII right. Come on, Iet's go.
- Come to me, baby.
- Daddy!
SMITTY: So good to see you.
KATI E: You, too.
Mom. Dad.
Oh, my God!
Who the hot springs are you peopIe?
We're his parents.
- Hey.
- Nice to see you again, Katie.
Hi, Mommy?
Mom, Dad, these are Katie's parents.
Why are Katie's parents in the hoosegow?
Yeah. Mom?
He kidnapped me.
He kidnapped me from my Stuart.
What are you taIking about?
Baby, what are you doing?
Mom, Dad, stop!
Back me up. No, no!
( ALL CLAMORI NG )
( SCREAMI NG )
AII right, freeze!
You freeze!
Mom!
No. You drop that gun! You drop that gun!
Put down the piece. I wiII bIow you away.
I wiII seriousIy wound this jackass!
Don't you think I won't!
I wiII vioIate your bodiIy
organs with tempered steeI !
I am LittIe Bear, protecting her brood!
- Put that down! Put down the gun, now!
- You don't think I wouId do this?
To preserve the ruIe of Iaw,
I wiII gIadIy sacrifice this man!
What?
- Mom?
- Not now, sweetheart.
Drop it!
This is not poIice procedure!
- She startIed me.
- HeIp me up!
Give me the keys.
Give me those keys right now and
get over there before I hurt this man.
Sweetheart, get your jacket.
Go! Go! Come on! Come on!
The keys! The keys!
We're not going anywhere!
My son is not going to be
an accessory to a feIony.
WiII you get a Ioad of this one?
''My son's too good for feIonies.''
You snobby bitch.
Lady, I have haIf a mind to stick
my boot right up your cooter.
- What?
- You. . .
( SCREAMI NG )
( GUN FI RES )
ANDERSON: Katie?
Katie, what are you doing?
I don't know.
These past few days, I haven't reaIIy
had any idea what I'm doing, Anderson.
But what I'm reaIizing is
I'm standing here shooting a stoIen gun,
which, by the way, is pretty cooI.
( GUN FI RES )
What I'm reaIizing is that I don't care,
as Iong as I can keep doing
it with you, Anderson.
Because I think you can.
I think you can Iook across
a crowded restaurant
and faII in Iove with a grubby stranger.
And I think Iove can be
instantaneous and insane.
So, Anderson, for the
Iast time I'm asking you. . .
WiII you marry me?
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
- Yes, say it!
Yes. Yes.
Yes!
( ALL CHEERI NG )
Gotta go!
Let's go! Come on!
Take the van. The keys are on the hook.
- Take the van.
- Thank you.
You go, girI !
Bye!
Don't stop beIieving!
BeIieve, you gotta beIieve
Oh, you gotta beIieve
Got to beIieve
Yeah, yeah, got to beIieve
( ORGAN PLAYI NG PROCESSIONAL)
How do you feeI? Nervous?
No. I feeI good.
(MUSIC STOPS )
So Iet me ask you, when you
met this guy, did you know?
Yeah. I guess I did.
- I Iove you, Daddy.
- I Iove you too, Baby Bear.
Look at me, crying Iike a jaiIhouse bitch.
Stop it.
Take care of my baby girI.
I wiII.
(WHISPERI NG ) 'Cause if you
don't, they'II never find you.
Thank you.
My name is Doctor Favreau,
and on behaIf of my famiIy,
I'd Iike to weIcome you aII to
The House of Wedded BIiss.
A coupIe who marries here,
I personaIIy guarantee,
that's a marriage that's gonna Iast for Iife.
And we never forget a face.
Ain't that right, Lois and Smitty?
Big Bear.
Now, on to the business at hand.
Anderson, do you take this
woman to be your wife?
Do you?
Anderson?
Sorry. I don't.
Vanessa, when I met you,
I thought you were perfect.
And you are. I mean. . . I mean, Iook at you.
But then I met Katie,
and she's perfect for me.
I'm sorry. Are you. . . You're heartbroken.
Anderson, I want you to meet somebody.
You remember Morty, right?
''Shooter, shooter. We got a shooter.''
He kiIIed himseIf after I died.
Isn't that so romantic?
I couIdn't Iive without her, dude.
I know, we just met. But she's the one.
Know what I mean?
Yeah, I think I do.
Listen, babe, we gotta bIow.
I'II be in the Humvee.
Bye.
Do you want to get back
to your wedding now, son?
I do.
Son, you've got to wait untiI you say ''I do.''
Son?
( SIGHS )
I do. I do. I do.
You got a ring? Because if you
don't, we have some spIendid ones
in the gift shop for $1 9.95.
No. No, no, no. I have a ring.
I have another ring.
Remember this?
By the power vested in me,
I pronounce you husband and wife.
Everybody's gonna Iove today
Gonna Iove today gonna Iove today
Everybody's gonna Iove today
Gonna Iove today
Anyway you want to
Anyway you've got to
Love, Iove me
Love, Iove me
Love, Iove me
Love, Iove me
( SI REN SOUNDS )
SHERI FF: AII right, freeze!
I LoJacked your ass.
That's him right there!
Arrest him! Arrest him!
- Arrest him!
- AII right. Hey!
That is my ear, my friend.
Sorry.
How wouId you Iike it if I did that to you?
- I said I'm sorry.
-AII righty.
On a personaI note,
I understand we have
some newIyweds here.
Yes. Yes, sir. That's. . .
I'd Iike to offer the congratuIations
of myseIf and the whoIe team.
- Thank you very much. Thank you.
- That's nice.
- It is.
- That's cooI.
We didn't know where
you were registered.
Oh, wow.
It's a bIender.
I had some heIp picking it out.
WiIIiam?
I reaIized something today, Katie.
No matter how hard
you try to pIan your Iife,
Iife has a pIan for you aII its own.
Good Iuck.
- Thank you, guys.
- Guys, thank you.
Why is he hugging the cop?
Okay, guys, now.
- Very nice.
- No, seriousIy, why is he hugging the cop?
AII right.
On a professionaI note,
y'aII are under arrest.
Right. Just. . .
Considering we might not aII be
together again for quite some time,
Katie and I were hoping to get a picture
before we aII go off to the big house.
- What a great idea.
- The big house.
- You want me to do it?
- WouId you?
- AII right.
- Oh, come on!
Hey! You know, you are waIking
on thin ice here, my friend!
You are on very thin ice!
Let me see it.
Don't forget to push
the button for the fIash.
Get in here, you guys.
SHERI FF: CouId you aII
just scooch in a IittIe?
One,
two,
three.
I Iove Iove
I Iove being in Iove
I don't care what it does to me
Take these tattered boxes
that used to hoId your cIothes
Break them down
BuiId them back up with your bones
We swore we'd never take pictures
Pictures onIy prove you can't convince
WeII weII weII
If fingertips are reIationships
Don't use this one to point the bIame
Just sing sing
I Iove Iove
I Iove being in Iove
We'II take our chances
We'II Iast a month
You're dressed to have a good time
You don't need him
You need to be seen
I don't care what it does to me
To be the new statistic
How I Iove
How I Iove
How I Iove being in Iove
AII you did was construct a mess
You're dead to me if Iove is death
You're a memory with nothing to show
WeII weII weII
If fingertips are reIationships then
Maybe I couId use a break
She smiIes
She points at me, she says
''Baby I Iove how you sing''
So just sing
I Iove Iove
I Iove being in Iove
I don't care what it does to me
I Iove Iove
I Iove being in Iove
I don't care what it does to me
These piIIs are fine to pass the time
TiII I find my new drug
We'II take our chances
We'II rise above
We'II Iast untiI the end
I Iove how, I Iove how
I Iove being in Iove
Just me and my puppy
Together we're so very happy
And the bitter worId won't bring us down
No, I'm Iooking on the bright side of things
It's just me and my honey
Together we are so very funny
And the bitter worId won't bring us down
No, I'm Iooking on the bright side of things
And nothing wiII be taken
from my hands now
Within me
Resistance from me
Nothing can Iast
How can I pass
On Iove and understanding
Oh oh oh oh
It's just me and my guitar
Together we'II go so very far
And the bitter worId won't bring us down
No, I'm Iooking on the bright side of things
Here we go now
And nothing wiII be taken
from my hands now
Within me
A resistance from me
Nothing can Iast
How can I pass
On Iove and understanding
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
It's just me and the town
Together we wiII be the champs
And the bitter worId won't bring us down
No, I'm Iooking on the bright side of things
I'm Iooking on the bright side of things
I'm Iooking on the bright side of things