Weird: The Al Yankovic Story (2022) Movie Script

[gentle music]
[Al] Life is like a parody
of your favorite song.
Just when you think
you know all the words,
surprise, you don't know anything.
[siren blaring]
[shouting]
[doctor]
Clear the way, clear the way!
-[nurse] Clear!
-[nurse 2] Shut that door, please!
[electric shock jolting]
[doctor] Clear!
[monitor flatlining]
Dammit. Dammit!
All right, nurse, let's call it.
Time of death: 7:30--
[screaming]
[panting] Quick!
I need some paper,
and a number two pencil.
[Al] But... maybe
I'm getting a little ahead of myself.
[video rewinding]
Why don't we start
back at the beginning.
[radio static crackling]
[radio announcer]
All gabardine suits are now 30% off.
[radio static crackling]
[sports commentator]
Jenkins in to the windup,
and the three-two fastball is in the--
[radio static crackling]
[reporter]
President Nixon is on board Air--
[radio static crackling]
[whimsical music]
Dr. Demento, Dr. Demento
[Dr. Demento]
Whoo-whoo-whoo wind up your radio!
It's time for The Dr. Demento Show,
two hours of mad music
and crazy comedy
-from out of the archives...
-Alfy!
What have we told you
about listening to that garbage?
But Mom, it's Dr. Demento.
It's my favorite show in the whole world.
It's going to rot your brain.
You're lucky your father
wasn't here to catch you, mister.
You know how he feels
about that kind of music.
Yes, I know.
All right. Now go on, go get washed up.
Dinner will be ready in a few minutes.
[soft music]
[humming]
[sighs]
Alfy, aren't you going to ask
your father how his day was?
Um, how was your day, Dad?
What, how was my day?
We had another fatality
down at the factory.
Oh, God, real grisly one this time.
It was that McKinley kid
that started last week.
I kept telling him
to stop messing around
by that industrial shredder,
but he just wouldn't listen.
I would've reached
out and grabbed him,
but I already lost one hand
to that cursed machine.
Well, anyway, there's an opening
down on the factory floor.
Maybe I could pull a few strings
and you could spend the summer
working with your old man.
How's that sound?
Um, no, thank you.
"No, thank you."
Well, you're gonna have to learn
sooner or later,
that factory, that factory
will make a man outta you.
But I don't wanna work at the factory.
I wanna make songs.
What? You wanna make songs?
Did you hear that, Mary?
We got a regular Bing Crosby
on our hands, don't we?
Nick, you're embarrassing him.
Oh, am I? Why don't you
sing us a little ditty, Bing, huh?
Such a little songbird.
Sing one for us.
Amazing grapes
How sweet the juice
It tastes so good to me
Stop, stop! What in God's name
are you doing?
Those aren't the right words.
I know. I made 'em better.
By changing the lyrics
to a well-known song?
No, boy, what you're doing
is confusing and evil.
My God, and I will not have
that kind of blasphemy
in my own home.
But Dad...
What has gotten
into you, Alfred?
Hmm? With the songs and
the crazy magazines?
That is all gonna stop now,
young man!
Honey, I know it's hard to hear this,
but your dad and I had a long talk
and we agreed it would be best
for all of us
if you would just stop being who you are
and doing the things you love.
You don't understand me!
[door slams]
[Al]
It was a few weeks later
when a mysterious stranger
showed up at my door
and changed my life forever.
[doorbell rings]
[Nick]
Alfy, get the door.
Why, good afternoon, sir.
The gentleman of the house, I take it?
Well, congratulations.
Today is your lucky day.
How would you like to be
the envy of all of your friends
and the most popular fellow in town?
Well, everything you
need to make that happen...
is right here in this box.
Um, my dad is actually...
-Voila.
-[epic music]
Feast your eyes.
Have you ever seen
such a gorgeous instrument?
Better yet, try it on.
Son, when you play the accordion,
you are a one-man band.
You are the life of every party.
Go ahead, son, tickle those ivories.
[horrible accordion noise]
A natural talent.
Son, you cannot squander that.
You have got to buy this beauty,
and I guarantee it,
you are gonna have girls
lined up around the corner.
You're gonna need a lifeguard
because you're gonna be drowning
-in so much p--
-Hey! What's going on?
And hello to you, sir.
What are you doing in my house?
And why is my innocent young child
wearing that devil's squeeze box?
That's actually our newest--
I thought I told you to shut up!
[glass breaking]
I don't remember you telling me
to shut up before,
but if you're telling me now,
I will gladly--
[grunting]
[groaning]
Dad!
-[chair breaking]
-Ah!
[punches landing]
Dad, stop! You're killing him!
Nick? Oh, Nick, oh, Nick!
No, Nick! Hey!
Nicky, stop it right now!
You made me do this, boy.
You brought this evil into the house.
And now look at you.
Look at you.
Take that devilish monstrosity off
this very instant.
I don't wanna see you
ever wearing it again!
Nick, why don't you go
take a little walk?
I think you'd better cool off.
-Yeah. Yeah.
-[gurgling]
I could use some fresh air
because it stinks in here.
[groaning]
I'll be right back.
Don't go anywhere.
I'll be right here. [coughs, sputters]
Mister, I'm so sorry about this.
My husband, he just has
a little bit of a temper,
but he is a good man and
he means well, but anyway,
if you're amenable to it,
we'd like to buy that accordion.
Mom! You mean it?
How do you feel about
an early Christmas present?
Yes! This is the best thing ever!
Thank you so much!
There's just one thing.
No one can see you playing it,
especially your father.
This is our secret.
Do you understand me?
Mom... does Dad hate me?
No, of course not, sweetie.
Then why is he always
so hard on me?
Listen, you're too young
to understand now,
but just trust me,
your father has his reasons.
[sputtering] I think I have
a collapsed lung.
We're trying to have
a conversation here, sir.
[Al] For the next few years
I kept to myself,
and tried my best
to please Mom and Dad,
but deep down,
I felt like I was living a lie.
Sure. I was well-behaved,
I got good grades,
but I never let anyone know
the real me.
Hey, Yankovic, you going to that party
at Hofstadters tonight?
-His parents are out of town.
-Ah, geez, guys, I don't know.
I'm not really allowed to go to parties.
You don't need to have
your parents' permission. Just sneak out.
I-I don't think I can.
My mom always tucks me in
in case I have night terrors.
[scoffs] You have night terrors?
No, I-- You know, just in case.
Well, just use a hay boy, then.
A hay boy? What's that?
-You don't know what a hay boy is?
-[scoffs]
Oh, dude, you've got a lot to learn.
Just let us handle everything.
We'll pick you up tonight.
Okay, yeah.
Night-night, Alfy. Don't let the bed bugs
give you night terrors.
[polka music]
[indistinct party chatter]
I mean, Myron Floren is great and all,
Lawrence Welk sure likes him,
but he's way too overexposed.
For my money,
it's Whoopee John Wilfahrt
that really gets me just
hoppin' and steppin'.
I'm all about that Minnesota sound, man.
[gasps] Look what I found!
Hey, hey! Hey, you didn't tell me
that this was gonna be a polka party.
-What, do you not like polka?
-No, I like it, it's--
My parents would kill me
if they knew I was here, okay?
I'm so, so sorry, guys. I-I-I gotta go.
I can't-- I can't be here, man.
Come on, Al. Live a little!
What's the worse that could happen?
You might actually let your guard down
and enjoy your life for once?
[polka music continues]
Yeah, yeah, I can...
let my guard down.
[music stops]
[polka music resumes]
Hey... and sorry.
Hey, everybody, look what I found!
[laughs]
Dude, pass it here. Pass it.
[playing "Chopsticks"]
-Okay, dude. Okay.
-[laughter]
Al, here. You gotta try this.
Oh, no. No, no, thanks. I'm good.
Al's afraid his mommy and daddy
are gonna find out
he tried an accordion.
[laughter]
I just don't wanna play, okay?
Just, just lay off me, man!
[The Chicken Dance playing]
No, guys--
-[clapping]
-I'm not gonna--
[clapping]
I'm not-- I'm not-- I'm not--
[clapping]
Okay. Yeah, sure. I'll play, yeah.
-[clapping]
-[laughter]
[fast, proficient polka music]
[cheering]
-It's the cops! Everyone, run!
-[sirens]
[overlapping shouting]
I'm sorry to disturb you, ma'am,
but I'm afraid we found your son
at a polka party.
He was playing an accordion.
That's impossible. Alfy's in--
A hay boy?! Really?
What did I do to deserve this,
huh? Huh?
It's like I don't even
know you anymore, Al.
You want me to be like you.
Look at me, I'm nothing like you.
You want me to work that factory.
Okay, I don't even know
what you make down there.
You just call it the factory.
You will find out what we make
at the factory
when you work at the factory!
Well, it's my life,
and I wanna make music
and I wanna play the accordion.
Ah, hogwash!
And I'm good. I'm really, really good!
How did you get good
at playing the accordion, huh? Huh?
It certainly wasn't
under my roof, was it?
What'd you do, sneak out
and practice in the woods
in the middle of the night?
No. I played it here, quietly.
Yeah, I play in the closet.
But I'm not a closet accordion player
anymore.
It feels good!
The closet, you say?
Hmm...
No-no-no. Dad, Dad, hey.
Hey, hey, hey, Dad.
No-no-no. You're not going--
It's not in there.
You're not gonna find anything in there.
Dad, what are you doing?
No, no, Dad-- No-no-no-no--
Dad, no. Dad, please.
-Uh-huh?
-Stop, stop.
-Boy.
-Stop. Stop it.
-Boy, this...
-Please, Dad. Please! No-no-no!
This is for your own good, boy.
No, I need this, I need this--
[yells]
[crashing]
Nooo!
No, no, no, no, no!
You-- You think you're gonna stop me
from playing?
You'll see.
One day I'm gonna be the best--
Well, perhaps not technically the best,
but arguably the most
famous accordion player
in an extremely specific genre of music.
I'll show you.
I'll show everybody!
[Nick] Get out!
-Good riddance!
-[door slams]
[soft music]
[Al] Things at home
never got any better after that.
But within a few years, I graduated
and I was able to move out
and live on my own.
Well, with three other guys
in a dirt-cheap apartment,
but the point is, I didn't
have to answer to anybody.
-Hey, hey.
-Howdy.
[Al] Now I'd have a chance
to find others
who would truly understand me.
I could find my people.
[accordion music]
Beat on the brat
Beat on the brat
Beat on the brat
with a baseball bat
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh-ho
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh-ho
-Okay.
-Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
-Okay, that's enough. Thanks.
-Mm.
Yeah. Very... very interesting.
So... we'll let you know, okay?
Great. Um, when?
Right now. You didn't make it.
[men snicker]
This sucks.
It's the fifth audition
I've been kicked out of this week.
It's almost like nobody wants
an accordion player in their band.
That just doesn't make any sense.
Yeah. Accordions are cool.
That's the problem
with being on the bleeding edge.
You gotta wait for the rest of the world
to catch up with you.
I don't have time to wait.
If nobody wants to have me
in their group,
I'm just gonna have
to go it in on my own.
Don't worry,
it's gonna happen for you.
You just gotta hang in there.
We got your back.
Thanks, Bermuda. All you guys.
You've just been so great.
You really get me.
It is such a difference after living
with my folks for so long.
Yeah. And you know, the best part
of moving away from home
is you can do anything you want.
Hook up with girls...
Get high all the time.
Yeah, I mean, literally anything.
There are no rules.
Just last night, I was driving
down the wrong side of the 101
with my eyes closed,
not knowing whether I was
gonna live to see another day
or die in a horrible, fiery wreck.
Suck on that, Mom and Dad.
-Yeah. You get it, Steve.
-You go, Steve.
Oh, wow, Steve.
What about you, Al?
What's something you always
wanted to do,
but you were never allowed to?
Make up new words
to a song that already exists.
-Oh, well, you should do that, then.
-[Steve] Absolutely.
Yeah. Why don't you do it right now?
Go on. Make up something brilliant.
No, guys, it's not that easy.
I gotta wait for inspiration to strike,
and I'm pretty sure that well dried up
a long time ago.
Oh, well, if you're not
gonna write us a song,
why don't you make us
some sandwiches?
Oh, yeah, dude, I'm starving.
[all chant]
Sandwich! Sandwich! Sandwich!
Okay, okay, okay. Guys, I'm on it.
Jim, you wanna put on some tunes?
Yeah.
[static crackling]
["My Sharona" by The Knack on radio]
Oh, Steve?
This bologna has your name on it.
-Can we?
-Uh, yeah, sure.
Just open up a package of my bologna.
Ooh, you make my motor run
my motor run
Gun it comin' off of the line, Sharona
Never gonna stop, give it up
Such a dirty mind
I always get it up for the touch
of the younger kind
My, my, my-yi-yi, whoo!
M-M-M-My Sharona
Whoo!
M-M-M-My Sharona
Whoo!
M-M-M-My Sharona, whoo!
Is this DJ asleep?
The record keeps skipping.
Hey! Wake up.
Whoo!
M-M-M-My Sharona, whoo!
-M-M-M-My Sharona
- [quietly] M-M-M-My bologna
- M-M-M-My bologna
-Whoo! M-M-M-My Sharona
Al?
[whispers]
M-M-M-My bologna
M-M-M-My bologna
You okay?
Ooh, my little hungry one, hungry one
Open up a package of my bologna
[toaster dinging]
Ooh, I think the toast is done
The toast is done
Top it with a little of my bologna
Where did that come from?
Dude, I've got chills.
I don't know, it just came out of me.
I've never heard anything like that
before in my life.
You have to record that.
Record it? No, come on, guys.
Al, you've got something here.
I don't know if it comes
from God or the devil,
but the world needs to hear it.
No, forget it, guys. I don't have
the money for a recording studio.
I think the bathroom at the bus station
has pretty good acoustics.
["My Bologna" playing]
Yeah, sounds good in here.
You can put it right there,
that works.
Ooh, my little hungry one, hungry one
Open up a package of my bologna
Ooh, I think the toast is done
The toast is done
Top it with a little of my bologna
Never gonna stop, eat it up
Such a tasty snack
I always eat too much and throw up
But I'll soon be back
For my my my-yi-yi, whoo!
M-M-M-My bologna
M-M-M-My bologna, hey!
[accordion music continues]
[cheering]
[accordion music continues]
[cheering]
[belches]
All right. Just mailed the tape off
to Captain Buffoon.
Now, I guess, all I gotta do
is sit back and wait to become famous.
[scoffs] Yeah, I don't think
that's quite how it works, Al.
Nobody becomes famous overnight.
That's a myth.
Sometimes it takes years,
decades of hard work to get noticed.
-What?
-Look, I believe in you.
I know it's gonna
happen for you someday,
but you can't just mail your
tape off to some disc jockey
and expect to instantly become
a sensation.
Man, why can't I catch a break?
[Captain Buffoon]
Captain Buffoon on your radio dial.
No, I'm not making this up--
I just received this tape
in the mail a few minutes ago,
and what can I say?
It's an instant sensation!
It's already the number one
most-requested song of the week,
and we're playing it all day long.
So, here it is, once again,
Al Yankovic with "My Bologna!"
[all yelling]
-[grunting, slapping]
-Again!
Ooh, my little hungry one, hungry one
Open up a package...
You know what this means, right?
You gotta get yourself a record deal.
[both screaming]
Never gonna stop, eat it up
Such a tasty snack
I always eat too much and throw up
But I'll soon be back
For my, my, my-yi-yi, whoo!
M-M-M-My bologna
M-M-M-My bologna, hey!
[accordion music continues]
I've heard enough.
And what did you think?
Do you know why they call it
the "music business"?
Uh, why?
Because it's a business.
It's a business!
Use your head, kid.
Nobody wants to hear
a parody song
when they can hear the real thing
for the same price.
[stammers] What's the point?
Yeah, it makes
no financial sense, whatsoever.
Uh, my-my-my song was actually
a-a big hit on
The Captain Buffoon Show.
-[laughing] Oh!
-What?
Captain Buffoon? Really?
-Yeah.
-[Tony] Wait, wait.
Captain Buffoon actually
played your song on the radio?
Yeah.
Why didn't you tell us?
This changes everything.
Ben, get this young gentleman
a record contract this very instant.
We are gonna sign him
to a 14-album deal.
Wait, really?
No! What do you think I am,
an idiot?
-He's not an idiot!
-I'm not an idiot!
-If I may interject here.
-Please.
Look, I'd just like to say
that you got some nerve
coming in here
and wasting my time and
my brother Tony's time.
I'm gonna remember your name
because you, Al Yankovic,
are the most untalented, pathetic loser
that I've ever met in my entire life.
Okay, um, maybe--
You're nothing but a hack,
a stupid, useless parasite,
-and you're so ugly.
-Okay...
That ridiculous hair,
that horrible mustache,
stupid glasses.
You make me wanna throw up!
All right, thank you.
Thank you, Ben.
Thank you, Ben, for your,
for your thoughts.
-Thank you.
-Jeez.
-Ugh.
-Look, kid,
if you really have your heart set
on doing this stupid music,
maybe write more than one song.
Yeah, all the biggest musical acts
have more than one song in their catalog.
That's very true.
And also, get out
in front of a live audience.
Any audience, any stage,
just get out there, build up your chops,
and who knows?
Maybe someday... we'll talk again.
But don't count on it
because you truly suck.
Right.
Okay.
[man] One, two, three, four!
[fighting grunts]
[loud rock music]
Bowling with the devil!
Thank you! We are Skunk Barf!
-You guys suck!
-[crowd booing]
[shouting, jeering]
I can't do this. I can't do this.
Just relax, you'll be great.
Yeah, the new song's a bona fide hit.
It's about ice cream!
Everybody likes ice cream.
This seems like more of
a whiskey and... heroin crowd.
Look, guys, I appreciate you being here
for moral support and everything,
but they are literally gonna kill me.
We need to leave right now.
Don't be silly, man.
They're gonna love you.
All right, we got, uh, most of the blood
cleaned off the stage,
so you're on, now.
-Go start the car.
-Nah, you got this, Al.
This is your moment.
Go get 'em, champ.
-[struggling]
-Go get 'em.
[exhales]
[indistinct chatter]
All right, all right,
who's ready for some more music?
Okay, uh, coming next to the stage,
it's this guy's first time,
Al Yankovic.
-[feedback screeching]
-Hey. [clears throat]
Sorry.
Sorry.
Ah, nice Hawaiian shirt, Trapper John!
[crowd jeering]
[sniffs] Um...
[man] Boo!
["I Love Rocky Road"]
I hear those ice cream bells
and I start to drool
This guy needs some help.
Keep a couple quarts
in my locker at school
Yeah, but chocolate's gettin' old
-Vanilla just leaves me cold
-[drumming joins]
There's just one flavor good enough
for me, yeah me
Don't gimme no crummy taste spoon
I know what I need
Baby, I love rocky road
So won't you go and buy
half a gallon, baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop
with me
Ow!
Gimme a shot of tequila
and two scoops of rum raisin.
We don't sell ice cream here.
You better start selling it
before this song's over
or you're gonna have a riot
on your hands.
When I'm all alone
I just grab myself a cone
And if I get fat and lose my teeth
that's fine with me
Just lock me in the freezer
and throw away the key
Singing
I love rocky road
So won't you go and buy
half a gallon, baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop with me
I love rocky road
So won't you go
and buy half a gallon, baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop with
I love rocky road
So won't you go and buy
half a gallon, baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop
with me
[audience cheering]
Why didn't you guys tell me
you could play? You're great.
I guess it didn't seem relevant 'til now.
-[cheering]
-Thank you!
Oh, hey.
Oh! You're Dr. Demento.
Oh, wow. I, I am such a huge fan.
I can't believe this.
I've been listening to your show
my entire life.
Whoo-whoo-whoo,
wind up your radio--
-Don't do that.
-Sorry.
Um, did you see the show?
I did. And let me
tell you something, kid.
Every once in a great while,
I can spot a talent
that I know is headed
straight to the top.
Nervous Norvus,
Wild Man Fischer,
and now... you.
What I saw you do on that stage
tonight blew my mind!
I'm telling you, you've cracked the code.
You're onto something special.
Wow, I mean, you, you,
you have no idea
what it means
for me to hear you say that.
-Thank you so much.
-Oh...
I only wish the Scotti Brothers
felt the same way.
Ah, those suits.
They couldn't recognize real talent
if it slapped them in the face
with a dead fish. [laughs]
But I might be able to
get them to notice you.
How?
Well, stick with me, huh?
I know a little something
about the biz.
Uh, wait, are-are you saying
you want to be my mentor?
No, I'm saying I want to be your...
de-mentor!
[laughs]
But first, we gotta find you
a stage name.
I mean, Al Yankovic. Ugh, blech.
Doesn't exactly trip off
the tongue now, does it?
I guess not.
It's so clunky. It's long.
It's ungainly. It's hard to pronounce.
Sorry.
Now, I'm just gonna throw this out there.
Would you be willing
to change your name to...
Weird... Al Yankovic?
I love it.
[laughs] Great. Great!
Hey, I'm having a little pool party
at the house this weekend.
I'd love to introduce
you to some folks.
What do you say you come on by,
we'll continue this conversation
at the grotto.
Yes, of course!
Mm-hmm. And don't forget to stay demented!
[laughs]
You got it.
[indistinct party chatter]
H-H-Hey!
There he is, my newest superstar.
Ah, so glad you could make it.
I've been telling everyone about you,
and, uh, looks like you've
brought your band.
Okay, fine.
Uh, there's some canaps right
over there, gentlemen.
Help yourselves. So,
let me show you around, okay?
Everyone's dying to meet you.
Oh, right this way.
-Uh, Mr. Herman.
-[Pee-wee] Hello.
I'd like you to meet
"Weird Al" Yankovic.
Ah, a rising star.
Pleased to meet you.
[both laughing]
And this is, of course, Tiny Tim.
Oh, Mr. Yankovic.
Oh, why, you're just the cat's pajamas.
Is that a good thing?
Sure.
Ah, excuse us, gentlemen.
Nice to meet you.
So that's Demento's new protg.
You know, I hear they don't even hand out
raincoats and tarps at his shows.
Amateur hour.
Amateur hour.
-Well, hello, Dali.
-Andy.
What do you think of
this "Weird Al" Yankovic?
Dali predicts he will change
everything we know about art!
Weird Al will change the world!
Eh, I give him 15 minutes.
Well, well, well, if it isn't Dr. Demento.
Wolfman Jack.
Who let you in here?
The Wolfman goes where
the Wolfman wants, baby.
[howling]
Security!
Relax. I just came by
to lay eyes on this cat
you've been paradin' around.
The one who takes
preexisting musical compositions
and completely changes the lyrics.
He has a name, you know.
And it's "Weird Al" Yankovic.
Well then, put 'er there, Weird Al.
Oooh! Too slow.
What is the meaning of this?
This is me telling you
that I know hit talent
when I see it, and this kid ain't it.
He'll never crack the top 40,
he's too niche.
This kid, as you call him,
is the future of music.
Right. Well, if he's so great,
how about he comes up
with a new parody song
right now on the spot?
-[guests] Ooh...
-Whoa.
I mean, come on, man. It's a party.
I don't know that's a good idea.
[John]
Do "Another One Bites the Dust."
[laughs] That seems fitting,
who said that?
I did. I'm John Deacon...
of Queen.
I play the bass in Queen.
[crowd] Oh...
All right, future boy.
Let's hear what you can do
with "Another One Bites the Dust."
We're waiting.
You don't have to
prove anything to him.
[Jack]
Come on, guy from Queen.
Let's go find a party
with some real talent. [laughs]
Get me my accordion.
[Jack]
Hey, you like deviled eggs?
I love a good deviled egg.
They don't love me, though.
["Another One Rides the Bus"]
Ridin' in the bus
down the boulevard
-And the place was pretty packed
-Yeah!
I couldn't find a seat
so I had to stand
With the perverts in the back
It was smellin' like a locker room
There was junk all over the floor
We're already packed in
like sardines
But we're stoppin'
to pick up more, look out!
Another one rides the bus
-Another one rides the bus
- [train whistle]
And another comes on
And another comes on
Another one rides the bus
Hey, he's gonna sit by you
Another one rides the bus
Another one rides the bus
Another one rides the bus
Ow!
Another one rides the bus
Hey, hey
Another one rides the bus
Hey-ey-ey-ey-ey
The window doesn't open
and the fan is broke
-And my face is turnin' blue
- Yeah!
I haven't been in a crowd like this
since I went to see The Who
Well, I should've got off
a couple miles ago
But I couldn't get to the door
There isn't any room
for me to breathe
Now we're gonna pick up more
Yeah!
Another one rides the bus
Another one rides the bus
And another comes on
And another comes on
Another one rides the bus
Hey, he's gonna sit by you
Another one rides the bus!
[guests cheering]
I don't know what to say.
That was the--
That was the most beautiful thing
I've ever heard in my entire life.
You truly have a rare gift, Weird Al.
Hey mate, we're playing
a little gig next week
called Live Aid,
Wembley Stadium.
I'd be honored if you
would join the band
and play that song on stage with us.
What do you say?
Hard pass!
[laughter]
-This guy?
-Get him, get him out of here!
[Al] I felt like
I was on top of the world,
but this was just the beginning.
"Weird Al" Yankovic is
one of the most exciting
new artists in pop music today.
His self-titled debut album
was just certified quintuple platinum.
[audience cheers]
Simply by taking well-known pop songs
and changing the lyrics,
Yankovic has taken the world by storm.
I have never seen a collection
of Hawaiian shirts like this.
Oh, well, thank you, Oprah!
[Oprah] He has the number one album
in 20 countries
and counts among his fans
such luminaries as...
Hey, turn this up.
[Oprah] ...President Ronald Reagan
and Pope John Paul II.
Even international drug lord
Pablo Escobar
calls Weird Al his favorite musician.
Oh, Ricky, you're so fine
You're so fine, you blow my mind
-Hey Ricky! Hey Ricky!
-[guns firing]
And what about this,
this necklace you're wearing?
Oh, these, yeah.
I, uh, I wear one
solid platinum record medallion
for each time my album went platinum.
So that's one, two, three, four, five.
Wow. Those look heavy.
They are super uncomfortable.
[Oprah] And it's not
just the record company
that's cashing in on Weird Al fever.
The artists he's parodying
are experiencing a phenomenon
that's being called the Yankovic Bump.
The Knack, Joan Jett
and even Queen
have seen their
album sales double
after Weird Al put
his unique spin on their songs.
Which begs the question,
who will be next?
Who indeed?
Al, you really do seem to have
the Midas touch. [chuckles]
I've never seen anything like it
in all my years.
Your parents must be proud.
Yeah. Yeah, my parents...
Is everything okay?
Huh? Yeah. Yes, of course.
Yeah, whose, whose parents
wouldn't be proud?
[Oprah] Exactly.
-Al? Al?
-[phone ringing]
Hello?
-[Al] Hey, Mom. It's me.
-Alfy?
[Al]
It's been a long time, hasn't it?
We saw you on the TV.
It's crazy, right?
Yeah, who would've thought?
I'm actually gearing up
for a residency right now
at Madison Square Garden.
Sold out 25 nights in a row.
They're, uh, they're moving the Knicks
to a hockey rink in Jersey
for a month.
-Huh.
-Yep.
Yep. I'm living the dream.
I mean, to have 20,000 people
every night
singing along to my words
to other people's music.
I feel truly alive
when I'm on that stage.
[Mary] Oh, that's nice.
Are you eating enough bran?
-What?
-Well, it's important.
It keeps you regular
and you know how you get
when you're not having
your regular BMs, Alfy.
I-- Yeah, sure.
Good. That's good.
So, um, so how's Dad?
Gosh, your father's a complicated man.
Does he ever talk about me?
Oh, sure, all the time. Yes.
There's so many things
that he wants to tell you,
but it's just difficult for him.
Well, like what?
You know, what does
he want to tell me?
Well, mostly he just
wants to let you know that
he's definitely not proud of you.
What?
Yes. He told me to be crystal clear
about that.
Also, he still thinks that parody songs
are stupid
and I don't have to tell you
how he feels about the accordion, do I?
Okay. Well, Mom,
I actually have to go now.
You know, he just never
really wanted to have kids.
Okay. Well, great talking to you.
Listen, if you do wanna get
that job down at the factory,
I'm sure your father can
pull a few strings for you.
All right. Take care now, bye-bye.
-Love you, Alfy!
-Yep!
-[grunts]
-[phone shatters]
Oh, tough call with the folks, huh?
You know, I can fire up the downstairs
hot tub for you if you'd like.
Oh, no, no, this is fine. I don't want to
put you through any trouble.
I-- It's really no trouble.
I mean, there are actually
three other Jacuzzis
in the house that are
not here in my bedroom.
Oh, that's so sweet of you,
but really, I'm good.
You, on the other hand,
you don't seem so good.
Do you wanna talk about it?
It's just, my whole life,
all I've wanted is for my
father to accept me for who I am.
And I thought if I became
this huge success,
that that would change things, but...
Mm.
But he still hates everything about me.
You know, maybe he's right.
Maybe parody songs are stupid.
Look, you don't have to
write parody songs
if you don't want to.
What?
You look a little hungry.
Here, have a snack.
You can write your own songs.
You think I took
you under my wing
because you write parody songs?
No, I saw in you a visionary,
an artist who has
something to give to the world.
I saw in you something special,
something your father doesn't see
and that even you don't see...
yet.
This guacamole tastes funny.
[Dr. Demento laughs] Of course it does.
It's loaded with LSD.
What?!
-[laughs]
-No!
You need to open your heart
and your mind,
face your fears,
break your chains,
come with me on a spiritual journey.
Find your source of inspiration!
No, that-that is totally not cool, man.
You can't just--
Whoa, no, what is happening
to your head?
That's probably the drugs kicking in.
Just relax and enjoy the ride.
It'll be over in like, 10 to 12 hours.
12 hours?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
[audio distorting]
I'm just gonna close my eyes
and when I open them up again,
everything is gonna
be completely back to--
[gasps]
[breathing rapidly]
What in God's name
are you doing, boy?
Those aren't the right words!
Please, just stop being who you are
and doing the things you love.
You, Al Yankovic,
are the most untalented,
pathetic loser I've ever
met in my entire life!
No, no, no, stop it.
Leave me alone!
Alfred Yankovic, this is your time.
Believe in yourself,
and the song will come to you.
Don't listen to him, boy!
You belong with me, at the factory!
It's your destiny!
[struggling] Aah! No!
[laughing]
Aah! No!
He's losing his power
over you, keep going!
I can't!
Maybe you should try
a little Cap'n Crunch.
What?
Raisin Bran, perhaps?
No, no! I don't want no Cap'n Crunch!
Don't want no Raisin Bran!
Eat it, just eat it.
I don't understand!
[distorted]
Don't you make me repeat it.
[machine clanking]
What's happening to me?!
Now you must die in order to be reborn.
No, no! No!
[thunder crashing]
[heart beating]
[playing "Eat It"]
[screaming]
Put it in.
How come you're always
such a fussy young man
Don't want no Cap'n Crunch
Don't want no Raisin Bran
Well, don't you know that other kids
are starving in Japan
So eat it, just eat it
I've heard enough.
It's brilliant.
[Ben] Okay, I'm sorry.
I don't recognize the tune.
What song are you parodying here?
I'm not parodying anything.
This song is completely original.
Wait, you wrote the words
and the music?
That's right.
Okay, just to be perfectly clear,
so you're saying this is not a parody
of an existing song,
but an entirely original composition
that you wrote all by yourself?
Yes.
Not based on anybody else's song
in any way?
Did I stutter?
I'm tired of people thinking
I'm some kind of joke, okay?
I am done writing parody songs. Done.
From now on, I am only gonna do
completely original music.
Oh, Al, you can't smoke in here.
[cigarette sizzling]
[groaning]
[pained laughing]
I totally deserved that.
Well, I am blown away.
This is a bold new direction.
I mean, the parody songs were fine,
but you've completely
changed the game here.
This is gonna be your biggest hit yet.
[doorbell ringing]
Okay, okay! Hold your horses!
[doorbell continues ringing]
"Weird Al" Yankovic.
Um, do I know you?
Madonna. Ring any bells?
[Al]
Oh, right. Madonna.
Yeah, "Lucky Star,"
"Holiday," "Borderline."
Born in Michigan, Catholic schoolgirl,
dropped outta college
and moved to New York City
with nothing but the clothes
on your back
and $35 in your pocket.
Maybe it was to become
the Queen of Pop.
Maybe it was to get back at Dad
for marrying the housekeeper.
Wow.
You know a lot more about me
than you let on.
What can I say?
I'm full of surprises. [grunts]
[door slamming]
So, what brings you here, Madonna?
Oh, I was in the neighborhood.
Wanted to see if my map to
the stars' homes was accurate.
Guess you won't need a refund then.
Is that, uh, all you wanted?
No, I want a lot of things,
but the truth is,
I'm a big fan of yours.
Join the club.
Have you heard my new
single, "Like a Virgin?"
[Al]
Oh, I've heard it.
And I'm curious,
is that song autobiographical?
Yes. I technically am a virgin,
except for the fact
that I've had a lot of sex.
I mean, a lot.
I see.
Anyway, I was wondering
if you were going to
do a parody of my song.
Maybe.
I like that.
So, would you like to see
the rest of the house?
There's only one room
I'm interested in seeing.
Oh, I'm doing some
work on the bathroom,
but there's another one downstairs.
Oh, I'm not talking about the bathroom.
Then let me show you
to the laundry room.
Al Yankovic,
are you playing with me?
Yes?
[moaning]
[statue breaking]
[moaning]
Oh, you're so weird.
So, are we like, boyfriend
and girlfriend now?
Maybe. [giggles]
Well, now that things are official,
I should really be honest with you.
When I said I might parody
one of your songs, I lied.
So, it's true, what they're saying.
You're not doing parodies anymore.
My song "Eat It," which, as you know,
is a hundred percent original,
is the biggest hit by anybody ever.
So, I've decided that's all
I wanna do from now on.
Completely original songs.
See, that's what I love about you.
You know what you want and
you know how to get it.
Just like me.
Just eat it, eat it
Don't you make me repeat it
Have a banana
Have a whole bunch
It doesn't matter
what you had for lunch
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
[laughs] How about that?
And I've got some amazing news.
I've officially gotten the word
that we have broken
the Beatles' record for most singles
in the Billboard Top 10.
Oh.
Yeah, cool.
Uh, okay.
Well, um, we have some very
exciting offers pouring in
that I would love to--
-That--
-Oh, that feels good.
love to discuss with--
Love to discuss with you.
We got some, some great calls.
-[moaning continues]
-Uh, very interesting.
Led Zeppelin, uh, is thinking about
getting back together,
but they say the only
way they'll do it
is if they can open
up for you on tour.
I mean, that's sweet, but yeah.
I already offered the gig
to Howie Mandel, so.
Okay, yeah. But this is perhaps--
Look, I am not bumping
Mandel for Zeppelin, okay? Pass.
Okay. Got it.
Uh, well, we have another offer,
a very serious offer.
This is to replace Roger Moore
in the James Bond franchise.
-Now this one--
-No!
No, no, no, I'm not gonna
be the new James Bond.
I'm not gonna be
the new Indiana Jones.
From now on, everything I do
has to be completely original.
How many times have
I gotta say that?
Look, Mr. Pimento,
we have places to be.
How long is this gonna take?
Not much longer.
We got another offer
for you to play
Pablo Escobar's 40th birthday party.
I saw him on the news.
He's a really big deal.
The drug lord?
Why is he so obsessed with me?
And he has upped his offer
to three billion pesos.
I mean, okay, how much is
that in American money?
You know what, never mind,
I don't feel like doing the math.
Well, I've done the math
and I can assure you--
Bup-bup-bup! I can do my own math,
and I said, I don't want to. Pass.
Alfy, are you chewing my gum?
I don't know. Maybe.
You wanna come get it?
[moaning]
[laughing]
You, you don't think
things are moving
too fast with us, do you?
Baby, don't be silly.
We're soulmates.
This is true love.
When you know, you know.
You're so right.
This has been the happiest
six hours of my life.
Mr. Yankovic, you have a phone call
at the host stand.
Excuse me, my love.
This better be good.
Well...
What's going on, Tony?
Okay, um, I-I thought you should
hear it from me first.
Michael Jackson just released
a new single called "Beat It."
It's, um...
Well, it's-it's a parody of "Eat It."
You mean the kid from the Jackson Five?
Why is that has-been trying
to ride my coattails?
He actually has
a pretty successful solo career now.
Whatever! You're telling me
Michael Jackson recorded
a parody of my song?
[Tony] Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Same music, different words.
What kinda sick freak
changes the words
to someone else's song?
"Beat It," huh?
Wait, so it's about eggs?
[Tony] No, no, it's, uh, I don't
think it's even about food.
It's about fighting or....
trying to avoid a fight?
I'm not exactly sure--
What gives him the right?!
Can he even do this?
I think you're overreacting
just a little, okay?
I mean, this could be great publicity.
Sell a few more albums.
No, I don't need to
sell more albums, Tony!
I need people to start taking me seriously
as an artist that creates original music.
Now some idiots
will probably get confused
and think "Beat It" came first!
Nobody's gonna think that.
This is a disaster,
for the rest of my life now,
I'm gonna be linked to
this Michael Jackson guy.
And why would that be so bad?
You know, maybe it's a good thing.
I-I think it's an honor.
Michael's one of the biggest stars
in the world.
-[Al screaming]
-[phone slamming repeatedly]
Everything okay?
Everything's pretty freaking not okay.
I finally created something of my own
and now people are just gonna think
I'm ripping off Michael Jackson.
Your filet?
-[growls]
-[dishes clattering]
I think I lost my appetite.
Babe, you seem stressed.
You should have a drink.
I don't really drink.
If there's one thing I've learned in life,
the only thing that can clear your head
and make you feel better is
hard alcohol, and lots of it.
Well, you know me better than anyone.
I trust you.
He'll have a whiskey, neat.
[Al sobbing]
You know what? Maybe you should bring
the whole bottle.
-[Al laughs] I know, right?
-[Madonna laughing]
Hey, hey. The king is here!
Let's get this party started.
Dude, soundcheck was supposed to start
like three hours ago.
Well, I wasn't here three hours ago,
so we're starting now.
Al, are you drunk?
-[Al] I'm not drunk, you're all drunk.
-No, this is pointless.
Hey, man, why don't you
just get out of here?
I need to get out of here?
You need to get out of here!
-Whoa, whoa, whoa!
-Guys, guys!
Al, look, it's the first show
of the tour tonight.
It's kind of a big deal.
Do you think you could maybe
not screw this up for everybody?
Oh, what-what-what are you gonna do,
fire me?
You guys are nothing without me.
Yeah, I could replace
you with a drum machine
and you with a guitar machine
and you with a, I don't know,
with some other machine.
You're all just a bunch of normals, okay,
I'm the weird one!
I am the weird one!
Okay. That's it.
You've changed, man.
-Fame's really gotten to you.
-[mocking mumbling]
Wow.
Look, just get yourself cleaned up
for the show tonight, all right?
-You're a mess.
-Yeah.
They seem nice.
Yeah, they're great.
-Al?
-Oh, what do you want?
Can I talk to you for a minute?
Privately?
Look, anything you wanna say to me,
you can say in front of my girlfriend.
[sighs] Okay, fine.
-I think Madonna's a bad influence on you.
-[scoffs]
I think she's an evil, conniving succubus
and she's only using you
for her pathetic and selfish needs.
-What?
-No offense.
She only wants you for that
sweet, sweet Yankovic Bump.
She knows her record sales
will go through the roof
if you parody her.
How dare you.
This woman is the greatest thing
that has ever happened to me.
And besides, I already told her
I'm not doing any more, um...
Any more...
The thing you said.
-Song parodies.
-Song parodies!
You're so drunk right now,
I bet you couldn't even
give her that Yankovic Bump.
That's not true!
That's not true, I'll come up with
that song parody right now.
Instead of "Like a Virgin,"
it'll be "Like a..."
Like a...
Like a...
Shut up, it's impossible!
Nothing rhymes with virgin.
Al, listen.
You gotta take care of yourself.
When she's done with you,
she's gonna drop you
like a sack of spoiled cabbage.
No, no, shut up, shut up!
You're not my dad.
You think you're my dad,
but you are not my dad.
Baby? Baby, where are you going?
I'm goin' for a drive to clear my mind,
on my own.
No, no, no, no, no. You cannot go.
Without your car keys.
[exhales] Thank you so much.
[Radio DJ]
Well, we can't wait.
Weird Al hits the stage
at Joe Robbie Stadium
tonight at eight o'clock,
and it's gonna be off the chain.
One for the history--
-Just eat it, eat it
-[grunts]
Another one rides the bus
M-M-M-My bologna
[groaning]
Have another triple scoop with me
[Radio DJ] Well, that was
multi-platinum recording artist
"Weird Al" Yankovic with
"I Love Rocky Road," and my god,
have you ever seen
a more durable pop artist?
Anything you throw at this guy,
he just seems capable of surviving it.
I'll bet he could land a plane
into a volcano
-and still come out--
-[horn blaring]
[car crashing]
[overlapping chatter]
[monitor flatlining]
Dammit.
All right, nurse, let's call it.
Time of death: 7:30--
[screaming]
[panting]
Quick!
I need some paper and
a number two pencil.
Here you go, baby.
Excuse me, miss, he's
in no condition to be doing--
Look, there's no time, okay?
He's got a show in 30 minutes.
-All right.
-["Like a Surgeon" plays]
Better give me all your gauze, nurse.
[audience cheering]
I finally made it through med school
Somehow I made it through
I'm just an intern
I still make a mistake or two
I was last in my class
Barely passed at the institute
Now I'm trying to avoid
Yeah, I'm trying to avoid
A malpractice suit
Like a surgeon, hey!
Cuttin' for the very first time
Yes!
Like a surgeon
Here's a waiver for you to sign
[monitor beeping]
This is all for you, babe.
I love you so much.
I think I should have stuck around
for that blood transfusion though,
-I think I'm gonna pass out.
-No, babe, you're killing it.
-Now get back out there.
-Okay.
Like a surgeon
Ooh-hoo, like a surgeon
When I reach inside
With my scalpel
and my forceps and retractors
Oh-ho-oh-oh-oh
-Oh-oh-oh-ho-oh-ho-oh-ho
-[monitor beeping]
Ooh, baby, yeah
I can hear your heart beat
For the very last time
-[monitor flatlining]
-[audience cheering]
Okay, babe, you have a costume change,
one more song
and then we can go home
and sleep it off.
Okay.
No, no, no, no. What-what is that?
I'm not wearing that.
-It's your "Eat It" jacket, babe.
-No, not anymore, it's not.
That is a Michael Jackson jacket now.
I don't wanna see it.
Get that outta my face.
You don't have to wear it
if you don't want to.
Now just drink up.
Yeah, that's good, yeah.
Little more, little more.
That's the medicine.
[audience cheering]
["Eat It" playing]
[music fades out]
[audience booing]
Boo, boo, boo, boo!
Yeah, that's what you sound like.
Boo!
Oh, what? You want,
do you wanna hear "Eat It?"
-[audience cheering]
-Do you?
Okay, here goes.
[blows raspberry]
[audience booing]
You're all a bunch of slaves!
-You're morons.
-[audience booing]
Idiots!
Oh, what, what, you paid good money
to see a show?
You worked your little butts off
at some dangerous factory?
God only knows what they make there!
No one will tell you that.
[guitar strumming gently]
What do they make in the factory?
What do they make?!
Do you like getting pushed around?
You like letting everybody
push you around?
Yeah, I think you do.
I think you like it.
You like letting your dad
push you around?
[audience] No!
You like letting Michael Jackson
push you around?
-[audience] No!
-[psychedelic rock music]
Well, what are you gonna do about it?
What are you gonna do about it?!
-[audience cheering]
-What are you gonna do?!
So... you wanna see it?
-[audience cheering]
-[chuckles]
Do you want me to show it to you?
[audience cheering]
I'm gonna whip it out!
[audience cheering]
You don't think I'll do it, do you?
I haven't whipped it out yet
but I'm gonna do it for you,
but only if you really want me to.
[audience cheering]
Okay, here goes!
Yeah!
[crowd cheering]
-[psychedelic rock music]
-[Al] Get off me! Get off me!
[reporter] We're sorry to interrupt
the President's address,
but we have breaking news.
Parody songsmith "Weird Al" Yankovic
was arrested earlier tonight
in Miami-Dade County
for lewd behavior.
[crowd yelling]
[Madonna] Okay. Here's my thought.
I think this is a really great idea,
I hope you like it.
We team up, right?
I'll write all the, you know,
good songs, the real ones,
and then you parody them every time.
Bam, bam. It's perfect.
Sounds great.
It's foolproof, we'll be unstoppable.
We'll be the hottest power couple
in the entire music industry.
What would our power couple name be?
I'm thinking Madankovic
or Madonnavic
or maybe just Madonna.
There'll be plenty of time
to figure all of that out.
But can you imagine the world tour?
Madonna... with Weird Al.
All that money?
I just got the tingles.
But I mean, you're okay
with all of this, right?
Look, babe, I'm--
I'm seriously okay
with anything you wanna do.
I mean, look at me. I'm a train wreck.
I'm barely holding it together.
My parents wrote me off.
I pushed away my band, Dr. Demento,
everyone who was important to me.
You're all I got.
You are literally the only thing
I have left in the world,
and if anything happened to you,
I don't know what I would do.
[muffled screaming]
No, no! No!
Relax, Mr. Yankovic.
We only wanna borrow your girlfriend.
Just stay calm and
nothing will happen to you.
Please, sir, please.
Whatever you do--
[gun firing]
[thug screaming]
Don't hurt me.
[grunts]
-Help me!
-Madonna!
[thugs screaming]
-[Al] Hiya!
-[table breaks]
[grunting]
[electricity sparking]
[thug growling]
[dish breaking]
[yelling]
[towel snapping]
[grunting]
[pan clanging]
-[sizzling]
-Die, die!
-[bell dinging]
-Order up.
Pablo Escobar sends his regards!
[tires screeching]
Pablo Escobar, you just made
the biggest mistake of your life.
[breathes deeply]
[speaking Spanish]
-[high-pitched whistling]
-[speaking Spanish]
-[twig snapping]
-[guns firing]
[speaking Spanish]
[speaking Spanish]
-[guard grunting]
-[gun firing]
[neck snapping]
[gun cocking]
This'll do.
[Mariachi music playing]
So, then I'm stomping on him and
stomping him with my boots,
and he's calling for
his mom and I'm like,
"Stop being so extra."
You know, it's like--
[gasping] Oh, my goodness! Ha ha!
That better not be vanilla.
Who was it?
-No, who was it?
-[Al] Escobar!
Oh, Mr. Yankovic.
We've been expecting you.
Welcome, welcome.
As you know, I am a huge,
huge fan of your music.
I got all of your albums
through the Columbia House Record Club.
Twelve for one penny, you guys.
Really great deal.
Really great deal.
Anyway, I-- Oops.
I hope you will forgive me
for kidnapping your lovely girlfriend.
It just seemed like
that was the only way
to guarantee that you would
come to my birthday party.
Your agent, oy, a real nightmare
to deal with, if I'm gonna be honest.
Real vicious guy.
You know, I'm sorry.
Let me turn down the music please.
Just a little annoying, yeah.
[gun firing]
[Mariachi band shouting]
[laughs] I can hear myself think now.
It's so noisy up in there.
Aah, the voices. [chuckles]
Oh. Oh, where are my manners?
We were just about to cut the cake.
May I offer you a slice?
Let's get him a slice, please.
No. No cake.
Okay, Mr. Diet.
[laughing]
More for us, am I right?
I just want my woman, then I'll go.
Ah, you want your woman. Okay.
[sniffs] I'm afraid that's
not how it works, Mr. Yankovic.
You see, you can't leave until you
perform for me.
-Do you understand me?
-No dice.
Not gonna happen.
I'm not your monkey.
-I can do "Borderline."
-No, I don't want that. I want him.
Mr. Yankovic, why-why all the drama?
I mean, you're already here.
Just perform one measly song for us
and then you guys can leave.
Come on, just one song, no?
How about that wonderful
Michael Jackson parody
that you did, huh?
That's not a parody!
-[indistinct shouting]
-[screams]
[guns firing]
Stop! Stop! It's my birthday.
Stop it! Stop it!
Well, first off, rude. Okay?
And second of all,
if you really, really don't wanna
entertain us, then fine.
You can just leave.
Wait, so, so we can just go?
Yeah, you can go whenever you want.
Psych!
No!
[Madonna crying]
Very unfortunate.
He was like a god among men,
and now just worm food.
Tsk, tsk, tsk. Anyway, back to the party.
Should we cut the cake or...?
[grunts] Hey, Pablo, you forgot one thing.
I'm certified platinum.
Hey, Escobar.
Eat it.
[groaning]
Okay, let's get outta here.
[groaning]
I just gotta get this medallion.
Okay. [grunts]
Oh, it's in there. Ah.
Oh, gross, gross, gross,
gross, gross!
You just killed Pablo Escobar!
I know! I've killed so many people
this week.
Before last Thursday,
I never really killed anyone.
The things we do for love, huh?
Okay, come on. We gotta go.
Well, now, wait, wait, wait,
hear me out here.
With Escobar out of the picture, maybe...
maybe we can run the drug cartel.
Wait, what?
Supply and demand, baby.
Look, someone's gotta run the cartel.
May as well be me. Us.
You can't be serious.
What about all our plans?
Writing songs together, touring together.
Why rule the music industry
when you can rule the world?
All the money and power is right here.
Madonna, that's...
No. No way.
My life is in America, and my
family would never forgive me
if I became involved in a drug cartel.
Well, your family's
already disowned you, Al.
I'm all you've got, remember?
And we'll still be together.
I'll be the head of the cartel...
and you can be my number two.
Your number two.
I can't believe this.
Dr. Demento was right.
You were just using me to further
your own career, weren't you?
Well... yeah.
My relationship with you
was a business decision...
and so is this.
It's all just business.
Wow.
Well, okay then.
I guess-- I guess that's it.
Have a nice life.
Whoa!
I can't let you leave, Al.
You know too much.
What are you talking about?
Stop that!
We could have made
such a beautiful team,
and you know what?
I decided I do like Weirdonna
better than Madonnavic.
But that's all over now.
Our partnership is officially dissolved.
Goodbye, Madonna.
[crying]
[Al] Yeah. I had
a lot of soul searching to do.
Was I a parody singer?
An original artist?
The most dangerous
assassin in the world?
Maybe I had lost my way.
Don't get me wrong,
there were things
I loved about being Weird Al.
The fame, the money,
the fancy dinners,
joining the Illuminati,
going to the Illuminati
holiday party,
learning the truth about
the moon landing and JFK.
But without my family,
none of that mattered.
I knew what I had to do.
[clock rings]
There it is, pretty simple.
When the light turns green,
you turn this crank to the left.
When it turns red, you stop
and pull this lever down.
When it turns green again,
you push this lever up
and turn this crank back to the right.
Yep, that's about it. Lunch is at 12:30.
Hey, can I ask you a question?
Sure.
What do we make here?
[laughs] Your old man
said you was funny.
That's a good one.
"What do we make here?"
[laughs]
[dings]
[crank squeaking]
[workers shouting indistinctly]
[dings]
[worker screaming]
Somebody help! My leg!
Oh, uh...
[worker]
It's burning me! Oh, my leg!
Ahh! Ahh! It burns!
Hey.
[woman over PA]
Cleanup crew to the control room.
You got a minute?
Well, what?
You want to take a swing, old man?
No.
Just... what are you doing here?
What am I doing here? Really?!
All my life, all I wanted to do
is please you,
but I was never enough.
You were always disappointed
in your weird son.
So yeah, I gave up
the most successful career
in music history to come work
at this miserable factory
because it's what
you've always wanted
and what, it is still
not enough for you?
I appreciate what you're doing.
This isn't the life for you.
Oh, what? So I'm not even
good at turning cranks now.
No, Alfred, that's
not what I'm saying.
What are you saying, then?
I was wrong to stand in your way.
This isn't what you were meant for.
You're special.
You're Weird Al, and you're my son.
And I'm, uh...
I'm proud of you.
What are you doing?
[Nick chuckling]
Dad!
[laughing]
Jingle bells, Batman smells
Robin laid an egg
The Batmobile lost a wheel
and the Joker ran away, hey!
-[laughing]
-Yeah, that's an absolute classic.
[laughs] Whew.
Well, so Mom tells me you're
dating that singer Madonna.
Oh, um, no, we-we broke up.
Oh, I'm sorry, honey. What happened?
Yeah. It's-it's complicated.
Well, don't worry.
There's plenty of other fish in the sea.
So, so, what is it like?
What's it like being you?
You know, world famous superstar and all?
Well, um, it's-it's fun,
but it's also a lot of pressure.
The hardest part for me
is just coming up with new songs.
I-I never know where my
next idea's gonna come from.
And yeah, I-I honestly, I don't know
if I have it in me anymore.
Oh, nonsense.
I'm sure that next big idea
is just right there in front of you.
Well, you may have noticed
I've put on a little weight.
Don't be silly, Ma. You look great.
You do, dear. I think you look wonderful
with a few extra pounds.
I think you're pleasingly plump.
Oh, Nick. You know I'm fat.
I'm fat, you know it.
What?
Wow.
Dad, can I ask you something?
Mom told me growing up,
you always had your reasons
for being so hard on me.
I think it's time, dear.
All right.
Oh, whoa.
I wrote it all down.
This should explain everything.
Okay, do you have maybe
a-a photo album
or we can just go through
the bullet points together?
I don't have a photo album,
but I have a sketchbook.
A sketchbook?
You see, we didn't have any cameras
when I was growing up because...
I was raised Amish.
What, really?
[Nick] Yep. I grew up Amish.
Lived in the community for
the first 16 years of my life.
And frankly, I don't think I
ever really fit in
because, well, if I'm being honest,
I was just as weird as you
when I was a kid.
Yeah, I even made up new words
to the hymns
that we sang during church service.
-That didn't go over too well.
-[gasps]
[thunder rumbling]
[man]
That boy will never learn.
And then when I was
a few years older,
I was able to go on rumspringa.
I finally had a chance to go out
into the great big world
and see what it had to offer.
And that's when I saw
the love of my life,
a 1933 Excelsior,
the finest accordion there ever was.
Cost me every penny I had
in the world, but it was worth it.
So wait-wait-wait,
you had an accordion?
I did, I did, I did,
I was pretty good at it too.
I was not bad. I was not bad at all.
I thought I was the love of your life.
Oh, honey, you come later, please.
Anyway...
So, I tried for months to make it
as a professional musician,
but it just wasn't in God's plan.
[woman] Get outta here!
Failure mocked me
at every waking moment.
[man]
Hey, there, squeeze box.
[Nick] I knew that I had to
give up my dream
and go back to the only life
that I'd ever known.
But when I tried to come back
to the Amish community,
well, the second they
saw that squeeze box,
I was immediately ex-communicated,
banished forever.
My whole world
was torn away from me.
All I knew was
I never wanted to see
another accordion again,
for as long as I lived.
So I got a job at the factory,
a place where I knew you could
get an honest day's wages
for an honest day's work.
And that's when I met...
the true love of my life.
Your mother.
Wow.
Dad, I-- I never knew.
Of course you didn't.
How could you, I just told you.
I just, the whole story was about--
Anyway, look,
son, I hope that you can forgive me
and I hope you understand.
I lost everything
and I didn't want you
to suffer the same sad fate.
I didn't want you
to get your dreams crushed,
so I thought I should
crush your ideas
before they could turn into dreams.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Oh.
Oh, that's nothing. You can just
throw that thing out, that's--
-"Amish Paradise?"
-Nope, just tear that up in little pieces
-and get rid of that.
-Dad.
Are these song lyrics?
That's just something stupid
I wrote a while ago.
It doesn't matter. You can just--
No, no, no, Dad, these lyrics...
they're like a window into your soul.
I don't think I've ever felt
more connected to you than this
in my entire life.
Well, I never had the chance
to perform it myself
because the dream had already died.
I thought maybe someday,
but no, never mind.
Never mind. I guess no one
will ever hear this song.
That's it! That's it!
Mom!
What did you say like
a minute ago, about being fat?
We're onto something else now.
We were kind of having
a moment here, son.
[Mary] Read the room.
Yeah, I mean, I wrote the book
and did the whole thing.
-Alfy!
-The drawing.
[Mary]
Listen to your father when he's talking!
[Nick]
Does anything register with you?
Can you see my lips moving?
Nothing gets through to you.
We been spendin' most our lives
Livin' in an Amish paradise
I've churned butter once or twice
Livin' in an Amish paradise
It's hard work and sacrifice
Livin' in an Amish paradise
We sell quilts at discount price
Livin' in an Amish paradise
Hitchin' up the buggy
Churnin' lots of butter
Raised a barn on Monday
Soon I'll raise anutter
Think you're really righteous?
Think you're pure in heart?
Well, I know I'm a million times
as humble as thou art
I'm the pious guy
the little Amlettes wanna be like
On my knees day and night
scorin' points for the afterlife
So don't be vain
and don't be whiny
Or else, my brother
I might have to get
medieval on your heinie
We been spendin' most our lives
Livin' in an Amish paradise
We're all crazy Mennonites
Livin' in an Amish paradise
Man, I shoulda kept
the publishing rights.
There's no cops or traffic lights
Livin' in an Amish paradise
But you'd probably think it bites
Livin' in an Amish paradise
[choral singing]
Yecch!
[cheering]
[indistinct chatter]
It is so good to
have you back, man.
Yeah, I was starting
to miss the weird one.
Oh god, I cannot believe
I ever said that to you guys.
I am so, so sorry.
[Bermuda]
Hey, you're an artist.
Being an abusive jerk
is all part of the process.
Yeah, name me one creative genius
that doesn't have a checkered past
involving drugs, alcohol
and a murderous rampage
through the heart of the jungle.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
I love you guys so much!
Yeah, yeah. See you out there.
[slow clapping]
Dr. D, you came!
Of course I came. I wouldn't
have missed it for the world.
And well, needless to say,
you were amazing.
Thank you. And I-I also,
I really wanna say the way I treated you--
Stop. I'm gonna stop you
right there, okay?
No apologies necessary.
I have been thinking
a lot about what you said,
and I realized, Al, that...
you are like a son to me and, uh...
Well, I never really had any children
of my own, so, uh...
I want to adopt you.
Will you be my son?
Wow.
Um, you-- I-- I just made up with my dad.
You d-- You did?
-Yeah.
-That's, wow. Okay.
Yeah. So yeah, we-we talked.
-Wow.
-We're-we're all good now.
Cool, the coolest. that's great.
-That's great.
-It is great.
Oh, good!
-Yeah.
-Cool.
Wow, that's so cool.
That's really cool. That's so cool.
My, my category
is coming up really soon,
I think, so I should probably go change?
You should--
oh, you should go. Yeah, definitely.
It's so good to see you.
-Thank you so much for coming.
-Okay.
-So good. Take care.
-All right.
[horn squeaking sadly]
[polite applause]
[announcer] Please welcome to the stage
Grammy Award winner Diana Ross,
and Intercontinental
WWF Champion Hulk Hogan.
As artists, we learn to express ourselves
through our instruments.
Louis Armstrong had his trumpet
and Jimi Hendrix had his guitar.
And well, my instrument is my voice.
[audience cheering]
That's right, Diana.
And my instruments
are these 24-inch pythons.
-Whoo!
-[polite applause]
No, no, Mary.
That's an oily man.
And now, the award
you've all been waiting for.
In the category of "Perhaps
Not Technically the Best
But Arguably the Most
Famous Accordion Player
in an Extremely
Specific Genre of Music."
And the award goes to...
[drumroll]
[both] "Weird Al" Yankovic!
[audience cheering]
[clapping]
Oh, thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Oh, this is incredible.
This award means so much to me,
and in front of all
the billions of people watching
around the world right now,
all I want to say is...
see, Dad? I told you!
Yeah! In your face, old man!
-[laughing]
-Huh?
There are so many people here tonight
that I need to thank.
People who mean the world to me
and who made me
everything that I am today.
But they know who they are, and I'm gonna
thank them all later privately.
Okay, I'm just gonna wrap things up.
I don't have much time left.
I-- Y'know, I'm gonna be around
for a good long time.
You don't have to worry about that.
You're not gonna get rid of me
that easy.
-Waiting on your signal.
-[Madonna] Stand by.
But in my remaining few seconds,
I just wanna say...
live the life you wanna live.
You know, be as weird as you wanna be.
Believe me, you will never
find true happiness
until you can truly accept who you are.
And standing before all of you,
right here, right now,
I can honestly say I have
never been more happy
or more proud in my entire life.
Thank you.
[audience cheering]
Thank you! Thank you!
Take the shot.
Nooo!
[screams]
You thought you knew me?
Well, you better guess again
Now you know the whole story
Now you've heard it all, my friend
You know all my dirty secrets
'Cause we spilled all the tea
There's nothin' left to hide, baby
How you like the real me?
Yeah, the truth came out
We finally removed all doubt
If it's in a movie, it's gotta be true
Aw, yeah
If you never knew it before
You don't have to wonder anymore
Now you know
Now you know
Thought I oughta tell ya so
I shoulda done it long ago
But now you know
Now, now you know
Yeah, that's how it all went down, bro
We've proof-checked every fact
If you still don't believe it
Well, no skin off my back
Just don't call me a liar
'Cause shut up, you weren't there
This movie is now canon
Every word is true, I swear
We only changed one thing
I really did play Live Aid with Queen
And I blew 'em off the freakin' stage
That's right
If you never knew it before
You don't have to wonder anymore
'Cause now you know
Now you know
Thought I oughta tell ya so
I shoulda done it long ago
But now you know
Now, now you know
[sax solo]
Aw, what a wild ride
How about that part where I died?
I was not expecting that!
But I'm back, baby
Here to wreak my zombie apocalypse
upon you all
Now you know
Now you know
Now, now you know
You know it
And the union-scale
background singers sing
Now you know
Now you know
Now, now you know
No fabrications, no exaggerations
It's the gospel truth
Now you know
Now you know
Now, now you know
Startin' to feel like this song
is slightly repetitive
Now you know
Now you know
Now, now you know
[Al]
Wow, fake-out ending!
Now you know
Now you know
Now, now you know
Look at all these people
in the credits
We had to pay 'em all
Now you know
Now you know
Now, now you know
Oh hey, I remember him
Met him on the set,
seemed like a really nice guy
Now you know
Now you know
Now, now you know
All these songs were in the movie
you just watched
Including this one
Now you know
Now you know
[Al]
Awwwwww, double fake-out!
Now you know
Now you know
Now, now you know
This song just keeps goin'
on and on and on and on and on
Now you know
Now you know
Now, now you know
Seriously, how many more credits
can there be?
Now you know
Now you know
Now, now you know
This song is technically eligible
for Oscar consideration
Now you know
Now you know
Now you know
[guitar string twangs]