Welcome Home, Roscoe Jenkins (2008) Movie Script

FEMALE ANNOUNCER.:
Lights, camera, access.
O'DELL.: Yes, it's true.
The master of midday TV
goes prime time.
Talk show host Dr. RJ Stevens
has popped the question
to Bianca Kittles,
recent winner
of Survivor: Kiribati.
What's good, family?
The Doctor's show,
with his irreverent guests...
I've been banging your sister.
(SCREAMING)
... party-like atmosphere and
his "Team of Me" philosophy...
The team of who?
ALL: Me!
Rely on yourself.
... has gotten a significant
ratings boost
since news of his impending
nuptials became public.
This is, no doubt, welcome
news to the ultra-competitive,
glammed-out Bianca.
The TV reality star
used every asset she possessed
to outwit, outplay
and outlast the competition
on her quest
for the million bucks.
It's a Q-rating bonanza,
as these two
couldn't be more
perfectly matched.
Life is good
for the good doctor.
Wow.
ANNOUNCER.: (WHISPERING)
On access.
That was fabulous!
Honey, I'm so
proud of you.
Thank you.
You're such a star.
Isn't he a star?
(ALL CHEERING)
He is a superstar.
Now, that is how
you announce your engagement!
That was genius.
You're the talk
of the town!
WOMAN: Hey, RJ.
Could you imagine this
five years ago, bro?
With a girl like that?
Hell, no.
Hit show,
big mansion on the block.
Now I'm international.
You look great,
by the way.
Shit, man,
that's all this tofu
Bianca got me eating.
Besides the hunger pains,
being a vegan is the shit.
(LAUGHING)
Cheers.
Honey! Telephone.
Get going.
BIANCA: That sounds
wonderful. I can't wait.
Great.
Well, it's nice
speaking to you.
Okay, hold on.
It's your mom.
Hurry up. Talk.
We still have guests.
Hi!
WOMAN: Hi there!
You made it. Oh, my God.
You look amazing!
Hey, Mama.
Well, hello, stranger.
We're just beginning to think
you just forgot all about us.
No, Mama. I can't forget
my number one girl.
(CHUCKLES)
And I didn't forget
your anniversary, either.
I sent y'all
a 50" plasma TV.
One inch for every year.
That's sweet, baby.
But we'd much rather
meet Blanca.
She sounds so nice.
(LAUGHS) Bianca, Mama.
Not Blanca.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought it was Blanca.
Well, baby,
you know
it's our 50th anniversary.
Mama, I don't think
we're gonna be able
to make it.
Jamaal, you know,
he's got this
big soccer game.
The boy loves himself
some soccer, Mama.
I know.
He talks to Papa
all the time.
Jamaal and Daddy
have been talking?
And writing letters.
Lord... You know,
we haven't seen that child
since he was a baby.
You've just got to come.
Everybody's coming.
We got Ellie
and Cleavon,
Clyde and Lucinda and...
Lucinda?
Oh, yes.
Lucinda and Clyde?
Mmm-hmm.
They're coming together?
I forgot to tell you.
But I... I thought...
PAPA.:
That's a lot
of questions, boy.
Hey, Daddy.
Especially from someone
who has shown very little
interest in his family.
Yes, sir, but I...
If you can find
the time to explore
"The Mind Of A Stripper"
or "Sisters Gone Wild"
with your so-called "family,"
then you can find
the time to spend
with your actual family.
So you've been watching!
Boy, don't disappoint
your mother.
(SIGHS)
(REFEREE BLOWING WHISTLE)
RJ: Go, Jamaal!
There you go,
there you go!
Boy, that
kid's good.
Right. Move.
Push it!
Come on, get it,
get it, get it, get it!
Right there!
Let it go, Jamaal!
That's a winner, Jamaal!
(WHOOPING)
(LAUGHS)
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
MARTY: Hey, RJ, I'll see you
later, man. Okay, take care.
You tell Jamaal I said bye.
Jamaal, way to go.
Way to go. That's
how you do that.
Good going, guys!
Yeah!
(WHOOPING)
That's my boy.
That's my boy.
That's a lot of
running for one goal.
But, hey, at least you hit it.
Dad, you should
come more often.
Hey, I'm here.
Dad, why don't you want to go
to Dry Springs?
(SIGHS) Come on.
Not you, too.
Papa Jenkins says
Dry Springs is awesome.
He said all my cousins'll
be there and I'd have
a lot of fun.
Oh, really?
What else do
y'all talk about?
I don't know.
School, my friends,
soccer, global warming.
Global warming?
We talk about a lot of stuff.
He's really cool.
Can't we please go?
I'll think about it, Jamaal.
Oh. Talk it over
with the boss, first.
Boss?
(SCOFFS)
Son, men run things
in a relationship.
And between us men,
never let a woman tell you
what to do, and how to do it.
Your dad's
in complete control.
(RJ SCREAMING)
BIANCA:
Who's in control?
Tell me.
Who's in control?
I don't know!
Take me higher,
you can do it!
(GASPING) Oh, no.
Come on. Take me. Harder!
Come on, lover!
(WHINING) Mama!
(IN A DEEP VOICE) Yes!
Oh, shit!
Push it!
What the hell are you...
Yes!
(GROANING)
(MUMBLING NONSENSICALLY)
BIANCA: Oh.
Speaking in tongues.
That's a first.
(BIANCA SIGHS)
I'm so proud of you.
(BIANCA EXHALES)
I want to look hot
for your family.
So now...
Time for my seven miles.
(TREADMILL WHIRRING)
Can you untie me first?
Babe?
Babe! Babe...
It's all done.
I booked the tickets.
Honey?
I'm hearing a tinge
of doubt in your voice.
I'm cool. You know, it's...
It'll be four days, then
we get back to our lives.
Exactly.
This will solidify
our union to the world.
We'll tape your parents'
banquet, you make a heartfelt
speech, and the ratings?
(CHUCKLES) Oh, my God!
(BIANCA SIGHS)
Yeah.
"Country boy done good
returns home with
his Survivor queen."
(LAUGHS) Hey, my...
My audience'll dig that.
See? That's
why I love you.
Baby, I've dated
all kinds of men.
Athletes, CEOs, princes,
bad boys, attorneys,
mob bosses...
(MUFFLED)
No, no, I get it.
I get that.
But I've never connected
with any of them
the way that I do with you.
RJ Stevens.
Mmm.
Team of Me.
(CHUCKLING)
Your very words helped me
win Survivor, and they brought
me right to you.
They did,
didn't they?
Uh-huh.
(CHUCKLING)
See? We connect.
Yes.
We're winners.
And you?
You're the man.
I am the man.
Say it louder.
I'm the man.
Say it louder.
I'm the man!
Yeah!
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
BIANCA: Honey,
don't ruin your outfit.
(SCOFFS)
Baby, men don't
wear outfits.
(GRUNTING)
What do you have
in these bags, anyway?
You went 39 days
on a desert island with...
With a toothpick and a thong.
I need options.
RJ: Damn the options.
I need room.
I'd be happy
to check that for you.
Hell, no!
I had some bad experiences.
I'll just slip it
in the captain's closet.
It's the safest place
it could be.
(EXCLAIMS)
Let's get
this party started.
Uh-uh-uh.
I got you beet juice.
Come on, baby,
I want to live a little.
Precisely.
It's an excellent
source of antioxidants.
Your drink, sir.
Drink up.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Enjoy.
(PLANE ENGINE HUMMING)
FLIGHT ATTENDANT ON PA.:
Once we have reached
a comfortable...
Hey, Dad?
Yeah, son?
This is gonna be
great. Thanks.
Anything for you,
my man.
(EXCLAIMS)
(DOG WHIMPERING)
And now we ask you
to please relax, sit back
and enjoy the flight.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Georgia.
How does his bag
get lost in
a captain's closet?
Explain that to me.
Yes, ma'am.
Where's your father?
He won't come out
of the bathroom.
WOMAN ON PA.: The white zone
is for immediate loading
and unloading only.
Honey, how do
the pants fit?
Flight 514 from Atlanta,
your luggage will be
at Carousel 2.
(JAMAAL LAUGHING)
You mean to tell me
this is the only pair
of pants you could find
in this country-ass airport?
I like it.
Colors look fabulous
on you.
Babe, I look
like a clown.
Look... Look at how tight
these are. Look!
I see that, tiger.
Come. Let's get the car.
(LAUGHING)
Ladies and gentlemen,
for your own safety
and protection,
please do not leave
your bags unattended.
JAMAAL: Wow,
the whole weekend
is planned.
There's a barbecue today,
a softball game tomorrow,
a fish fry on Saturday.
Oh, look!
An obstacle
course race!
And the anniversary
banquet's Sunday night.
Cool!
(JAMAAL COUGHING)
(WHOOPING)
Nice ears, Dad.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, man.
Nice picture, Dad.
Oh, man.
(HORN HONKING)
MAN: Hey, now!
How terribly quaint.
As if time stood still.
It has. I told you,
don't nothing ever
happen around here.
What the hell?
(HIP-HOP MUSIC
PLAYING ON RADIO)
That shit was
tight, right?
(WHOOPING)
Oh, damn!
Oh, my God, baby,
you get me
so freaking hot!
Do you know them?
I don't know her,
but that's
my cousin Reggie.
You got your jewelry?
You got your purse?
All right?
'Cause the boy
could con Jesus.
Oh, no. Oh, no,
that's him.
Oh, that's him!
Who?
Here he comes,
here he comes.
My nigga
Roscoe Steven Jenkins!
Hollywood did came to town!
(CHUCKLES) What's up?
What's up, dawg?
What up, cuz?
What up, cuz?
How you doing?
How you do...
(LAUGHING)
Come on, man,
give it up!
Man, what's happening?
All right.
Oh, man,
look at what you...
Look, you got them
picnic tablecloth pants on.
"Hey, Boo-Boo,
let me get another
picnic basket."
(LAUGHING) I guess Outkast's
about to name their third
member. Li'I Roscoe 1000.
Yeah, but don't be mad
'cause you ain't up
on the style.
Ain't that right, baby?
Roscoe?
Why do you
call him Roscoe?
That's his government name.
(NERVOUS LAUGH)
Oh, not into
full disclosure.
I see.
Okay.
Welcome to
the family.
(LAUGHS)
Thank you.
Lookie here,
lookie here.
First it was Survivor,
now it's America's
Next Top Model.
Oh, stop it.
Really?
Oh, hell, yeah, really!
My God, I'll drink
your dishwater, bathwater,
all types of waters.
I'll drink
all your waters.
Boy, you do your thing.
Get... Get off me.
Look at you
doing your thing, boy!
Hey, will you stop that?
Thing, boy!
You do your thing.
Get off me!
(LAUGHS) Do your thing,
boy. You do your thing.
Hey, get off.
Hey, why'd you
keep checking
my pockets, Reggie?
Oh, you do your thing.
Man, you need to get me
out there to LA.
Would you
lookie here?
Look.
Hi!
Hi!
I'm Amy.
Yeah, me and Amy
are friends, man.
You know what I'm saying?
She's been a real inspiration
to me, putting my new
hip-hop album out.
You know what
I'm saying?
And my dad's company
is financing it.
It's Pimp Nasty
Records! Word!
Pimp Nasty?
AMY: (LAUGHS) Like that.
So everything is...
Hey, boy, what the...
What you doing?
Get back! Get back!
Water rat!
That's a water rat,
right there.
(GROWLING)
Get back.
Get back.
Reg, come on.
It's okay, Fifi.
RJ: Reggie, man.
She's a dog, man.
It's Fiona.
Yo quiero Taco Bell.
I ain't know
what it was, man.
I thought it was
a little fur coat with
some feet, or something,
that damn walked
over here, boy.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Man, Mama J
sent us down here
to get some ice.
And?
We're probably
gonna need about 300.
$300?
Yeah.
For some ice?
For some ice.
You must think
I'm a damn fool.
No, I know you
ain't no damn fool.
You standing there
with that beautiful lady,
right there.
Look like
you a lucky fool.
(GIGGLES)
What? It's just $300,
baby. Go on.
You're not cheap, baby.
Yes, he is.
You don't know him
like we... He's tight.
Yeah, he is.
It's only $300,
baby.
That's it, $300.
For your family?
Please?
Go on, baby.
For the family.
All right,
good to see you.
Papa?
Huh?
They made it!
Told you. Well, come on.
Come on, baby.
(MAMA LAUGHING EXCITEDLY)
Oh, my baby's home!
Hey, Mama.
How you doing?
Well, well.
Look who showed up.
My grandson's father,
Dr. RJ Stevens.
It's been
a long time,
Dr. Stevens.
Dad, that's just
a stage name.
Yeah, I know.
Jamaal, welcome back.
Thanks,
Papa Jenkins.
Oh, and this is Blanca!
Pretty girl, Roscoe.
You must got some
Indian in you, all that
long, pretty hair.
Roscoe, you been eating?
You all skin and bone!
Don't look like
I never nourished you.
(LAUGHS) I know!
Doesn't he
look fabulous?
OTIS: Yeah, he looks
fabulous, all right.
Downright metrosexual,
with them young-ass
pants on.
Oh, no. You should have
seen his ensemble
before his little accident.
It was exquisite.
(LAUGHS) Are you kidding?
Better than this?
What?
I didn't
say "outfit."
Got you!
Pounced on you.
Get... Get off.
Get off me!
Let me see
how strong you are.
Otis!
Yeah.
(GRUNTING)
Get off me.
Come on.
(LAUGHING)
Just like old times again.
Lord, Otis.
Do it, do it!
Get out of it, then.
Mama! Mama.
Otis! Otis!
Come on, boy,
let's see
what you got.
Let go of me, O.
Yeah, go ahead, do it.
I want you to. Boy,
introduce me. That's rude.
Bianca, this is my country,
neckbone-eating brother, Otis.
The sheriff.
Southern hospitality
at your service.
Get up off that!
(CHUCKLING)
This here is Ruthie.
Hi.
And that's my baby
she's carrying.
Wow, Ruthie,
you look like
you're about to pop.
No, I'm just six months.
But I bet y'all be
loading up soon, huh?
(LAUGHING) Oh, God,
no! Nothing's wrecking
this figure.
Hmm.
(NERVOUS LAUGH)
At least not right now.
Jamaal, say hello.
Are you really the sheriff?
Mmm-hmm.
"To serve and protect."
And occasionally whoop ass.
Meet your cousins.
Junior! Callie!
(LAUGHS) Oh, damn!
What are they on?
All steroids
and no carbs?
(LAUGHS)
Them some
thick-ass kids!
No, I'm serious.
Mama, them is thick-ass.
No, I'm serious.
Like, they be 12.
Them some thick-ass...
Respect...
This here's
your cousin
Jamaal.
Get him a bat,
and get him
some batting practice.
And, Callie,
go easy on him.
(SPITTING)
You got it, Daddy.
Come on, son.
You and Granddad'll
take them on together.
You play baseball,
don't you?
All right,
I guess.
Well, Blanca,
you want to come in the house
and freshen up?
And, Roscoe, you get the bags
and just take them up
to your room.
Okay.
And, baby,
please find some clothes
that fit. You got all
your business in the street.
(GRUNTS DISAGREEABLY)
Oh, God.
It's good to see you,
man.
Little help
with the bags, O?
Man, I ain't no bellhop.
Plus, I ain't had
my steroids today.
(LAUGHS) Got you!
Southern hospitality!
Yeah, right.
(SCOFFS)
And next time
you grabbing on people,
wear some deodorant,
you little fake-ass Conan!
Oh, shit!
Mama! Mama!
OTIS: Come here, boy!
I'm an all-State linebacker!
Look at that speed!
RJ: Mama! I said
leave me alone, O!
Leave me alone!
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
(MAMA LAUGHING)
MAMA: I haven't had so many
people in the kitchen
since I don't know when.
No, you use this one.
(EXCLAIMS)
You a bad bitch!
Oh! Oh!
Wait a minute, girl.
I'm serious. I'm serious.
You bad!
You are the baddest
bitch Survivor ever had.
Soon to be my sister-in-law,
up in my kitchen, girl.
I'm honored!
Thank you.
All right, now, now, now,
tell me the truth, okay?
Tell me the truth,
'cause it's you and me.
We relating.
Can that hook-head
handle you? 'Cause, see,
we a lot alike, Binaca.
(LAUGHING) 'Cause we
too much woman for one man!
You feel me?
Betty, let
the child breathe.
Now, is the tea ready?
It's right here, Mama.
Binaca, you got to
try my tea, girl.
I'm telling you right now,
this tea right here
ain't no joke, Balolo.
Best in the county.
It's Bianca.
That's what I said.
And I'd love to. Cheers!
(SHRIEKING)
God, that's
liquid diabetes!
You drink that?
(BIANCA EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
No, no. No, no,
wait a minute now,
baby.
Don't get
all uppity, okay?
'Cause I'm gonna let
you know the brothers
down at the pen,
they rave about my
sweet tea every Sunday
at my Bible reading.
It ain't the sweet tea.
It's them short skirts
you be wearing.
I'm just doing my part,
trying to be
a good Christian.
And if them brothers need
to get a peek at this thong
to get them through
them long lonely nights,
then, Father God and all
the heavens up above
and the Episcopals, so be it!
Girl, don't make me sick.
You know I'm pregnant.
Thank you.
Betty, your thong
is an image I do not need.
(CHUCKLES) Ditto.
(MOCKING LAUGH)
BETTY: Wait a minute.
Now, see, we trying to
bond with you and everything,
welcome you in,
but you getting it twisted.
You getting me twisted.
But don't get it twisted.
This kitchen here
is my domain. My domain.
This ain't no kennel.
And then this lab rat got to
go. Got to go. Do you hear me?
Am I clear? I bites dogs.
(DOG WHINING)
Know who I am, okay?
Now ditto that!
AIRLINE EMPLO YEE.: Yes, sir.
Can I help you? Yes, sir.
Yeah, hello.
Yeah. What is your name?
Patricia.
Luqueesha?
I can barely hear you.
Look here,
Luqueesha, somebody...
Sir, could you
please hold?
Yeah, I'll hold.
(DOG WHINING)
(DOG PANTING)
Bucky?
You done messed around
and got old, huh, Bucky?
You still alive?
Yeah, you used to terrorize me
when I was little.
I don't play that now, man.
I'm a grown man. Look at me
when I'm talking to you.
I should kick you
in your ass right
now, Bucky.
Yeah. Yeah,
when you bit my
ankle, I should...
Hello, Dr. Stevens?
Yeah, excuse me.
We found your bag.
Well, all right.
Well, that's more like it.
We just need an address.
(GROANING)
Get off me, you crazy dog!
What the hell?
You gonna stay
inside all day,
Dr. Stevens?
No, sir.
Daddy, you don't
have to call me that.
I just don't want to
offend the star.
Offend me?
Hey, hey, Daddy,
how come you
never opened this plasma?
I don't need
a skinny TV.
That console's been there
since 1977. Good picture.
Daddy, this is
a Hi-Def flat screen!
Football on Sundays,
them hits'll be like,
"Boom!"
Make you feel like
you really there.
I am really gonna be there.
Your cousin Clyde
gave me season tickets.
See that picture?
That's his third dealership.
Man, that Clyde
is something special.
Yeah, Clyde's special.
I gotta get outside.
I'm grooming the next
Jackie Robinson. My grandson.
(HUMMING)
Reg.
Huh?
That don't look
like $300 worth of ice.
It's hot down here, man.
Half of it melted before
you even got down.
I'm telling you,
the bag was...
It's hot down...
Ask anybody
about the heat, 'Scoe.
I ain't gonna lie
about none of that, man.
Whatever.
Hey, O.
Yo.
How old is crazy-ass Bucky?
Shouldn't he be dead by now?
Bucky's at least 25 now.
Yeah. Yeah,
that dog is old,
boy.
Are you serious?
That's 175 people years!
And he's still
a little player,
I'm telling you.
You better watch
little Fiona around here.
He gonna hit her
in the one that stink
and not the one that wink.
He good
at scooping up
behind you.
(WHINING)
So, did I hear
Clyde was coming
with Lucinda?
Mmm-hmm.
Should be here
any minute now.
(LAUGHS)
I thought
she was engaged.
Uh-uh.
That ended
a while ago,
baby bro.
Yeah, that...
Man, no, she moved
to Atlanta, man,
and that smooth nigga
Clyde supposed to be
hollering at her again.
What you mean, "again"?
He ain't never been
with her. Never!
Lookie here.
Little Hollywood man.
"He's never been
with her. Never!"
"Never!"
(LAUGHING) What, you look
like you trying to throw
your hat in the ring.
No, I'm just setting
the record straight,
bubblehead.
Set the record
straight on this. Now.
(WHOOPING)
Good God Almighty,
I smell them funky ribs!
Yeah, baby,
they're good, too.
Here, baby bro.
Now, I need your discriminate
tongue to let me know
if I'm still on track.
You know how
I gets down.
Give him some bread
and a Pepsi, right now!
No, no, I'm cool.
I'm gonna wait
on the chicken.
Skinless.
Why? You Muslim now?
Yeah, what the hell?
You a Five Percenter?
Nah.
I just adopted
a low-fat, high-fiber diet.
Bianca and I...
(EXCLAIMS
IN DISGUST)
"Bianca and I..."
I know what it is.
The black Paris Hilton
done sissified you
off the pig.
That's what's up.
It ain't like that, O.
Bullshit! You on
that Hollywood shit.
Nigga, please.
Give me... Let me see this.
You see this swine is fine,
divine, sublime
and right on time.
Right on time!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Man! Look at that.
Want some of this
dipping sauce, baby?
Yeah, go on. Get...
Go on, taste a little
piece of that.
Don't be scared.
You got on
the Kwanzaa outfit now.
Go on, get down,
like you live. Go ahead
and taste a piece of that.
Bite that.
Go on, man.
How about a piece,
Nelson Mandela?
Stop being so scary, man.
Farrakhan ain't
nowhere around here.
Man!
What's up, man?
Come on!
The Last King
from Scotland. Look.
With the Forest Whitaker eye.
(LAUGHING)
Wait, look.
Put a little barbecue sauce
on the dead eye.
Might jump up out of there.
(LAUGHING)
OTIS: (LAUGHING)
Boy, you crazy.
(REGGIE AND OTIS CHATTERING)
Yes, indeed, that's
gonna be good! Stir
that up for me, Bilante.
Now, in episode 11,
did you have to pull
your titties out?
I had to have
that chocolate cake.
But you threw it up.
On purpose.
Whether on Survivor
or in life, I believe
in winning at all costs.
That's why RJ and I
are perfectly matched.
(LAUGHING)
Girl, you tripping.
You better mind out, Betty.
Come on now, Mama.
Roscoe and winning
don't even go
in the same sentence.
Only Clyde
gets that
distinction.
Who's Clyde?
Oh.
I'm glad you asked.
Clyde is our cousin.
He came to live with us once
his folks went on to glory.
They became famous
and left their child
behind?
Bitch, are you crazy?
They was in a car accident.
They dead. Goddamn!
Anyway, now Roscoe and
Clyde was fierce rivals,
though "rival"
is not quite accurate,
'cause Clyde used to whoop
Roscoe's tail in everything.
I don't know about
"everything," now, Betty.
Everything, Mama!
Basketball.
YOUNG CLYDE: Game!
Checkers.
King me.
Chess.
CLYDE: Checkmate.
Arm wrestling.
(KIDS LAUGHING)
(LAUGHING)
Oops.
That was me.
You're telling me
RJ never won?
Never.
That is, of course,
until the obstacle course
in 1985.
Obstacle course?
BETTY.: Yep. It's a
Jenkins family tradition.
PAPA: Have fun, now!
MAMA: Yeah!
Clyde, Roscoe,
we got our eyes on you!
BETTY.:
Clyde and Roscoe
made a bet
that the winner would get
to ask Lucinda Allen
to the Spring Formal.
And who is Lucinda Allen?
BETTY.: Only the most popular
Southern belle to ever
come out of these parts.
The Spring Formal Queen
that year.
BIANCA.:
So what happened?
Girl, your man
took off like
a house on fire!
(ALL CLAPPING)
Come on!
He moved through
that obstacle course
faster than a runaway slave.
Doing it!
Now, see, Clyde was
right there with his skinny
ass, baby, neck and neck.
He was trying to hold on
until the end.
But old Roscoe...
Come on!
Old Roscoe broke
that tape, baby.
He smiled so hard,
I thought his cheeks
would burst.
Yes!
(ALL CHEERING)
(WHOOPING)
Yes! I won!
BETTY.: I ain't never seen
Mama and Daddy
so proud as that day.
Aw.
BETTY: Now all Roscoe
had to do was claim
the real prize.
Lucinda?
Hey.
Will you go to
the Spring Formal
with me?
Oh, Roscoe, how sweet,
but Clyde just asked me.
Come on, Lucinda,
let's get a strawberry soda.
My treat.
LUCINDA: Okay.
Bye, Roscoe.
Great race.
Bye.
BETTY.: I felt bad for the boy.
(LAUGHING)
Now, nobody knew
about the bet, so Clyde
just beat him to the punch.
(SAVING ALL MY LO VE FOR YOU
PLAYING)
Clyde and Lucinda
danced all night long,
looking like eternal lovers.
And Roscoe looked
like a hot mess.
And his date
wasn't much better.
Lord Jesus!
But in typical
Roscoe fashion,
he snitched.
But that
mess backfired.
Lucinda is a young lady,
not some trophy
you can win!
I'm very disappointed
in you.
But what about Clyde?
Clyde will be dealt with.
Now drop your britches
and bend over.
(GULPS)
Yipe!
BETTY.: But that Clyde...
Girl, he is a smooth operator.
All right, what have you
got to say for yourself?
I let Roscoe win.
It meant more
to him to beat me,
and it meant more to me
to go out with Lucinda.
She's so beautiful.
I know you're disappointed,
and if my parents were alive,
they'd be disappointed, too.
But you're
the only parent I got,
Papa Jenkins.
So you do
what you think is right.
I'll understand.
Don't you ever
let something like this
ever happen again.
What?
You understand?
Yes, sir.
BETTY.: He went upstairs
and cried like a baby.
Now, how you know
Roscoe was crying?
(CRYING)
BETTY.: Because all his
hollering woke me up
from a sound sleep.
(LAUGHING)
So, are they
still an item?
They dated awhile, but
you know, the Queen is too
pure for the likes of Clyde.
He needs a real woman.
Betty, y'all are cousins.
Whatever!
Now, the point is, Roscoe
ain't been the same since
Clyde stole Miss Lucinda.
I think they call
that "evolution."
(GIGGLES)
RJ's clearly over
any childhood crush.
BETTY: Really?
Really.
Well, where do you think
that "Team of Me"
mess started?
(MOCKING LAUGH)
All right, Betty,
that is enough.
Okay, Mama,
but I'm just saying...
Come on in this house
before I pop you.
BETTY: Now, somebody
help that white girl.
She getting eggshells
in the tater salad.
Help her.
MAMA: Always running
your mouth!
You talk too much.
BETTY: Don't nobody want
no crunchy-ass potato salad.
And you put
vinegar on these?
Yeah.
You gotta
market these, O.
(EXCLAIMS)
RJ!
Huh?
What the hell
are you eating?
I'm not eating, baby,
I'm tasting. These soy ribs.
You want some?
(GROANS)
Forget it, carnivore!
Why don't you tell me
about Lucinda Allen?
Oh. Oh, shit.
RJ: Lucinda Allen?
That was a bad one,
right there.
Well, see, I...
Baby, she's just,
you know...
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Hey, Clyde's here now!
(BEFORE I LET GO PLAYING)
Let me introduce you.
CLYDE: What's up, family?
Hi!
(LAUGHING) Hey there, baby.
What's up, baby?
You looking sharp.
Look at you.
Girl, Betty, you too much.
Clyde!
What's up, O?
What's up, Big Law?
I see you ain't
getting no bigger.
Look at you, boy.
Look at you, boy!
OTIS: Lucinda,
what's up, baby?
(LAUGHING)
Oh, my God, hi!
Good seeing you, baby.
Hey, look at you, boy. Look.
You sure you our relative?
Little Mexican!
I got a little something
for everybody!
I stopped to pick up
some red velvet cakes
for the picnic.
(GASPING)
From Cooter's Bakery
in Tuscaloosa?
CLYDE: Yeah.
Well, you only get one
golden anniversary, Mama J.
(EXCLAIMING)
Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, yeah.
Hey! Hey, now!
(LAUGHING) There he is!
What's up, Papa J?
How you doing, man?
Is the fountain of youth
around here somewhere,
or you been
taking that Viagra?
(LAUGHING)
You better watch it.
See, 'Cinda?
Lucinda!
I'm so glad to see you.
Welcome home.
Oh. Oh.
Now that's nostalgia for you,
right there. Family spirit
award goes to Roscoe!
Cross Colour Jones!
Look at you, boy!
Still wearing Otis'
hand-me-downs.
Come here, man.
They're in the bag.
Well, the airlines
lost my bag, so...
What's your excuse?
Man... Hey, man,
this that Tiger Hoods, man.
You know me.
I get my nine holes in.
Roscoe Jenkins.
(LAUGHING)
Oh.
Oh, it's been ages.
Wow, it's been so long!
(BIANCA CLEARS THROAT)
Clyde, Lucinda,
this is my fiancee...
My fiancee...
Bianca.
Bianca Kittles.
How you doing?
Bianca!
Sweeter than Skittles.
Girl, you prettier in person.
Is that so?
You find somebody
that say different, see
if I don't slap them to sleep.
And I don't even
get violent.
It's my pleasure, Bianca.
Wow, congratulations, you two.
The pleasure's mine.
What's up
with that?
(SINGING)
And, Lord, we thank you
for the pork ribs,
as well as, yes,
the coleslaw, and...
I hear what you're
saying, but look,
I gotta go.
Thank You!
And we thank You
for the sweet potato pie,
and, yes, for
the scrumptious red
velvet cakes from Cooter's!
We thank You, Lord!
And they all did say,
ALL: Amen!
We thank you
for that beautiful
benediction.
You mean long.
RUTHIE: Otis!
Mama and I
are just filled
with joy
that so many friends
and family have joined us
on this very special occasion.
This woman has
put up with me
for five decades,
and I love her now
more than ever.
Thank you, baby.
All right, Papa J.
Hear, hear, now.
(ALL CHATTERING)
BETTY: Clyde, you try
some of this corn,
baby?
And don't you forget these
rolls, 'cause I made them
with you in mind.
You butter the biscuits?
(LAUGHING) You know I did.
OTIS:
Hey, Betty? Betty.
What?
He's your cousin,
not a potential tip.
You know what, Otis?
Okay? Shut up.
Now, I'm just glad to see him,
that's all. And, and...
Okay, you, too, queenie.
Thank you, Betty.
So, Lucinda, I hear you two
were high school sweethearts.
Oh, well, that was
a long time ago.
Yeah. But you never
forget your first love.
Ain't that right,
'Cinda?
LUCINDA: Yeah,
I guess not.
Look at her.
Just as beautiful
as ever.
You know, I'm gonna leave
some of these hood-rats alone
and get real serious
about making this girl
Mrs. Stubbs.
You know, matter of fact,
Otis, get me a broom
right now.
I'm gonna jump!
Mazel tov!
You know what
I'm talking about,
Otis?
Don't believe
this one, okay?
He's more interested
in jumping bones
than jumping brooms.
Ooh.
Well, best of luck
to the both of you.
You make a great couple.
(COUGHING) Bullshit!
Betty!
Excuse me, y'all,
I had a piece of celery
stuck in my throat.
CLYDE: Well, you know,
I admit it.
I like to play.
But, after I get me
a couple of
more dealerships,
I will be King of the South,
who will need his Queen.
Well, my king
has a surprise.
RJ's having a professional
camera crew film
the anniversary banquet!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Tell them, honey!
Go ahead!
Like my baby said,
it was supposed
to be a surprise.
A gift, really. You know,
no big deal. Just a little
something special for y'all.
That's so sweet.
Wait a minute. Hold up.
Nigga, you got some cameras
hidden around?
You done brought
some cameras?
Reggie...
You got that shit
hidden around here?
Oh, y'all seen his show.
Roscoe be jumping
out of bushes on
little midgets.
MAMA: Midgets?
Neglected albino children.
Al-Qaeda leaders.
(CHANTING)
Rice, chicken kebab,
chicken falafel...
(CHANTING)
(LAUGHING) Boy, you crazy.
I'm telling you,
they be scattering
like roaches,
like Cops.
You gonna win a Emmy,
and I'm voting for you.
Remember, son,
this is a family celebration,
not some Hollywood production.
Yes, sir.
Oh, hell,
it'll be all right,
Papa J.
I'm sure old Roscoe
gonna do the right thing.
I'm just glad to see
your baby boy back
gracing us with his presence.
You done good, 'Scoe.
You got a outstanding career,
beautiful fiancee, great son.
You finally winning, man.
Don't even matter
that you could never
beat me at nothing.
(MOCKING LAUGH)
Oh, shit!
That's the button.
RJ: What you trying
to do, Clyde?
I'm trying my best
to be a better man
and you trying to drag me
into a penis-swinging contest?
MAMA: Oh, my goodness.
That definitely
ain't no contest.
(LAUGHING)
You a sad man, Clyde.
Your competitive edge
imprisons you.
Feel good for what
you've done, not
for what you haven't.
The one loss you suffered
at my hands is still
a burden to you.
Get over it. I have.
That's the "Team of Me."
(WHISPERS)
That's right, baby.
Oh.
And just for the record,
I'll beat you again.
And worse.
Is that right?
Care to make it interesting?
Little wager, perhaps?
For what? You'd just find
a way to renege again,
renigga.
ALL: Oh, shit.
I ain't never
reneged on no bet.
You a damn liar!
Oh, this is getting hot!
You know damn well
what the hell
I'm talking about.
You're a sore loser,
and you stole what was mine.
Lemonade is
good, Mama.
There it is.
That bitch done
made you tough, Roscoe.
You hungry as shit,
but that bitch done
made you tough!
(DOOR SLAMS)
RJ: What is
wrong with you?
BIANCA: I can't believe
you're still pining
after the prom queen.
We only said
three words
to each other!
Forty words.
And that Clyde,
he's a smug
son of a bitch.
No wonder he's a car salesman.
He's slick and unethical.
Why the hell
did you tell everybody
about the camera crew?
They were gonna
see them anyway.
And besides,
we were losing ground.
I had to make a move.
Bianca, this is
not Survivor!
Oh, yes, it is.
Look, baby,
baby, baby.
Listen. Listen.
(SIGHS) Let's
not fight, okay?
I'm sorry.
Lucinda was
just a crush,
but I moved on.
So you're over her?
How can I not be,
with you as my lady?
Yeah, that's what
I'm talking about.
Yeah!
Oh, baby. All the time
I spent here, I never got
a little piece of nothing.
No way. These walls
are way too thin.
And plus,
your family listens.
That's ridiculous!
Look, now,
I want to speak
in tongues.
(MUMBLING)
Nope. Forget it.
Damn!
Think you so damn special.
I sent a plasma,
you bought cake.
Negro, please!
Hey, Roscoe,
I didn't know
you were still up.
Hey, Lucinda,
how you doing?
I'm great.
Who you talking to?
Nobody.
Well, actually, myself.
I do that. You know,
just practicing for the show.
You know,
keep it fresh,
you know?
Okay, I see.
Can you take
a break?
Damn!
This cake is scrumptious.
I knew
you'd like it.
So, you said
your publicist
introduced you?
Yeah. Well, yeah.
We... We had her
on the show
after she won.
And... We just
sort of connected,
you know?
So how does she
and Jamaal get along?
Real good.
You know,
she got him
eating right.
Maternal stuff.
He's a great kid.
Oh, thank you.
So, you and Clyde?
No. He was
a familiar face when
I moved to Atlanta.
He's sweet,
but your cousin's
a player.
What happened
to your engagement?
Wasn't there some guy?
Are you keeping
tabs on me,
Roscoe Jenkins?
Well, no, no,
I heard things. You know...
Look at my ears.
(LAUGHS) You know,
I heard... I heard it.
You know I heard it.
(LAUGHING) You stupid.
What did you hear? Huh?
That I went to school
to find a husband, right?
See? Yeah, I did.
I got engaged early.
I had the vision
of having a
two-income household,
three kids before 30,
Sunday brunch with
my homegirls...
Sounds good to me.
Don't it, though?
But the student loans
never go away, you're still
broke after grad school,
and he didn't want kids.
Ever.
So... Dream deferred.
I feel you.
Me and Jamaal's mom
was a disaster.
I wasn't ready
to be a parent, either.
But he's my son.
Spoken
like a true
Jenkins man.
You need to
finish that cake.
(EXCLAIMS) Shit.
'Cause if I don't
watch this figure,
who will?
I could think of
some takers.
Me, too!
Sign me up
for that booty duty!
Hey, Reggie.
We were just
saying good night.
Hell, no, don't
let me interrupt.
Don't let me interrupt.
Don't let him interrupt.
LUCINDA: Oh, no, no,
no. It's okay.
I need to go home and
see my parents, and I'll talk
to you guys tomorrow. Okay?
Good night.
Good night.
Tell the truth.
You got a woody,
don't you?
Fool, if I had a woody,
I'd flip this table over.
We was just catching up.
Your daddy don't want
that plasma you bought. I'll
just tell you that right now.
And it's a damn shame
that it's just going
to waste like that.
Just a TV, just
sitting there, ain't gonna
do nothing, man, is...
There's so many
poor people down here
that need...
Would you like that...
That plasma, Reggie?
I... Boy, I ain't lying.
I could use it.
Well, would you
like to have it?
Yeah! I'm gonna get it
and freak it. I'm gonna
have it right.
Not gonna happen.
Just tight. That's just...
(ULULATING)
Hey, Lone Ranger,
it's time to saddle up.
Uh-oh.
Gotta go.
Hi-yo, Silver!
Off to the ATM machine!
Giddy-up! Yes.
Giddy-up!
It's gonna be a long weekend.
(FARTS)
Excuse me.
(FARTS LOUDER)
Excuse.
Baby, my
Downward Dog
is fine.
Your alignment's off.
Watch me.
(INHALES)
(EXHALES)
Damn, you are flexible!
Good morning, Reggie.
Good morning to you!
What's up, 'Scoe?
Fuck you looking at, Reggie?
You wanna glue your eyes
back into your head, now?
Oh, my fault. I didn't
mean to look, but I was just
checking out the pose, man.
Hey!
That is nice. That's hot.
That is so hot.
Can I help you
with something,
Reggie?
Oh, your bag is here.
You couldn't just
say that from
Jump Street.
I was distracted,
'cause it looked like
somebody hit you in the face
with a sack of nickels.
Well, maybe a foot
in your ass'll help
you focus, huh?
Maybe a slice
of red velvet cake'll
help you focus.
Man, get your look
and move on.
One look.
BIANCA: And down.
That's it. One. One!
One more,
one more,
one time.
That's it. Move on!
Oh, my God.
Damn, 'Scoe!
BIANCA: Namaste.
Oh! Hey.
Reggie's got
a Frank Aaron jersey,
too, baby.
That's Hank, baby.
And mine is
a limited edition.
Reggie wouldn't even know
where to look for one.
Oh, it's your
world, player.
I'm just a squirrel trying
to get a nut, if you
know what I mean.
(DOG WHIMPERS)
Mmm.
Man, you need to
get her pregnant soon.
Come on, Bucky, let's go.
My God.
Did you see that?
Yeah.
That's my jersey,
ain't it?
Come on, Jamaal.
I don't think
I'm cut out
for softball.
Don't be
such a girl
about it.
Jamaal, forget all that.
You a natural.
Plus, this was
your dad's sport.
All right?
The main thing is
to relax and keep cool.
Just like your dad.
RJ: Come on, we got them,
we got them! We got them,
come on, we got them!
We got them!
CLYDE: You out, sucka!
Damn it!
CLYDE: Good throw, Betty!
How could this fool
steal everything but third?
'Cause I got a cannon
in this arm, boy! A-Rod
ain't stealing on me.
Damn, I'm a thief.
I don't never get
caught stealing.
Can't steal third,
brother, not around here.
My shirt!
Go home, man.
Yeah, my fault.
This ain't authentic,
is it?
Where does
that child think
she is?
I don't know.
But I bet that come
with paint remover.
Good God!
RJ: Jamaal! Widen
your stance, son.
Keep your eye on the ball.
Choke up on the bat.
Focus.
Okay.
BETTY: Do what
your father told
you, okay?
Now, don't be
scared of Callie.
I know she's big.
We all big.
That's why you
in question.
RJ: Jamaal! Focus.
PAPA: All right,
it's 0 and 2.
Come on, Jamaal.
Strike three!
MAMA:
That's all right,
baby.
That's a good try.
God, this kid's pathetic!
You're making
Grandma proud.
PAPA: Good try, Jamaal.
BETTY: No, no,
it wasn't, Daddy.
Now, what is he, Roscoe?
One of them meatless people?
Is he one of them vegans
or vogans, whatever?
You need to feed
that child, Roscoe,
that's what's wrong with him!
You ain't giving
him enough...
LUCINDA: Good one, Callie!
BETTY: Can't
understand nothing.
He's dumb in the brain.
MAMA: Come on, Roscoe!
Hit one for Mama!
All I need
you to do
is make contact.
I got this.
You got a strikeout a-coming
if you ain't careful.
"Youse got a strikeout coming
if you ain't careful.
"Boy, youse gonna..."
OTIS: Y'all don't take
the smile for a weakness
all the time, okay?
REGGIE:
I've never
thought that.
Y'all think
I'm weak
or something.
No, I don't
think you weak.
Okay. Don't. Okay.
I thought you was Uncle Ben.
CLYDE: Hey.
Take a seat.
Let me get this,
right here.
All right. That's what I'm
talking 'bout, now! Let the
games begin! Come on, baby!
What the hell
you think you doing,
Clyde?
I'm about to
strike you out,
player!
I've got
a narrow strike zone,
boy.
CLYDE: Oh,
that's all right,
Papa J.
Anything wider
than Roscoe head
would be unfair.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Everybody sit down.
Have a seat.
Take a load off.
Get comfortable.
Don't worry about it.
Bring the La-Z-Boys
out here or something.
Come on, boy.
I got this, right here.
What's up, 'Scoe?
You ready?
You want to be
in the big time?
Here we go, yeah.
BETTY: Right here, baby!
Strike!
(WHOOPING)
That's better
than air conditioning
right there, boy.
(IMITATES SHIVERING)
(LAUGHING) Feel that breeze?
Come on, Roscoe!
They just talking smack,
baby. You can do it, baby!
Focus, RJ!
Come on. Get a hit!
(EXCLAIMS)
"Focus, RJ!"
All right, everybody good?
Betty, all right, give me
a little something.
Okay.
Okay, I got you. Good to go.
All right, cool, cool, cool.
Right here.
Crush it! Kill it!
(GRUNTS)
(EXCLAIMS)
You hit my mama!
Mama!
BETTY: Oh, my God!
CLYDE: Oh, no, no!
Mama J!
MAMA: Oh, Jesus.
REGGIE: That done
knocked the wig off
and everything. Damn!
RJ: Hey, get off me
about it right now.
OTIS: Oh, really?
Get off you about it?
RJ: That's right.
Yeah, okay?
Stop sweating me
about it.
But I was trying to tell you
to wait on the flutterball.
You up there swinging
like Crouching Tiger,
Hidden Dragon,
now my mama
got a red titty
on her head!
She's my mama, too, O.
We don't know that.
You could be adopted.
Look, I gotta get the fish.
Meet me at Monty's.
Can you do that?
Mama, I'm sorry.
Really sorry, Mama.
I know, baby.
Mama'll be all right.
Heck, Mama, I was trying to
hit it out the park. I didn't
know it was going that way.
I'm getting my headache,
baby. Be quiet.
Daddy...
Son, we all make mistakes.
We just have
to learn from them.
Though I don't know
what you learn by giving
your mama a concussion.
OFFICER: Hey, Big O!
I don't know
how you take it
down here, O.
Man, you was
the best linebacker
in the state.
If it wasn't
for your knee injury,
shoot!
Man, you'd be in the NFL,
living in a mansion,
driving a Benz.
Yeah, that's good, man.
But, you know, it wasn't
in God's plans for me.
God's plan is cool,
but you needed the "Me" plan.
Oh, man, stop talking
that bullshit. I ain't no
failure. I'm a king.
I got a great family,
I live in a great community
that I love and that loves
me back.
You the failure.
How do you
figure that?
I made it.
Oh, why? 'Cause you
got some money?
'Cause you on TV?
What else you got
to show for it?
Everything I ain't
have growing up.
What you ain't
have that was
that important?
Hey, why don't Jamaal know
how to play baseball?
You used to love to play,
and you was halfway decent.
Man, I ain't got time
for all that. Besides,
Jamaal only loves soccer.
I think Jamaal would love
whatever sport his father
showed interest in.
(MOCKING LAUGH)
Oh, so you a parenting
expert, now?
Man, all I'm saying is
don't let money raise
your kids.
Well, don't let cornbread
and chitlins raise yours.
What you looking
at me like that for, O?
Yeah, I said it.
Why you approaching me?
I just didn't hear you.
I said what you
looking at me
like that for?
Ain't nobody
scared of you.
What'd you say before that?
Don't let what?
Don't let chitlins,
cornbread,
ham hocks,
cheese sticks
or none of that
raise your kids.
That's what I said.
What, you got hostility? What,
what... What's happening?
This ain't your little
brother no more, O.
I'm a grown man.
You know,
I don't get ass whoopings,
I give 'em out.
Mmm-hmm?
You a officer
here in Mayberry.
Come on... What you carry?
A flashlight and a baton?
A'ight.
Tell you what.
Maybe...
If you a good old boy,
I hire you as my security.
(LAUGHS) Yeah,
I got the pull.
I can do it.
Big-ass...
Now you and Mama
got matching titties.
Maybe y'all are related.
(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
You know, you should do a show
about scrawny little brothers
that constantly get bitched.
Look at your head!
Yeah, but... Thank you.
But my next show gonna
be about prison hoes
who mask conjugal visits
as Bible readings.
Yeah, it's gonna
be called "Bible Thumpers
or Bible Humpers?"
You available?
(LAUGHING)
You got time?
What you feeling?
Oh. Oh, okay. You better get
your Butterfinger-eating
ass back in the car.
I may not hit a woman,
but I'll beat a bitch's ass.
Oh, is that
what you gonna do?
Yeah.
That's what you gonna do?
What?
You gonna beat a bitch's ass?
Oh... Oh...
What bitch
you gonna beat,
'Scoe?
What bitch you
gonna beat, huh, 'Scoe?
That's what it's like?
Is that what it's like?
Hold up.
What bitch you
gonna beat, 'Scoe?
You snapped my neck, little...
Look out! You didn't know.
Golden glove.
Watch. I'm gonna
give you a dirty,
South-ass whipping, boy!
Come on, come on! Bring
it back! Bring it back, punk!
Come on, bring it on back!
(SCREAMING)
Oh!
Roscoe,
get your damn...
Get off of me, 'Scoe!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
That ain't weave, fool!
You gonna be sorry!
(GRUNTING)
Wait a minute! You done
pulled out my damn tracks!
What you gonna do, RJ?
I'm sick of you! I'm sick!
Say you sorry. Say uncle.
Say uncle! Say uncle!
Say it!
Talk your shit now,
you fake-ass Bruce Lee!
You wanna get up?
You wanna get up?
Come on, come on.
I done told you
about your mouth!
I am not a ho!
I am doing God's work!
Say, "Praise the Lord!"
(GRUNTS)
(GROANING)
Now I'm gonna tell you
something. You'd better be
glad I'm a good Christian,
'cause the next time
I might not be so merciful.
You done made me lose
my protection from the Lord.
Father God, forgive him,
for he know not what he do.
I'm gonna
pray for you,
Roscoe.
Thank you, I...
(WEAK COUGH)
(GROANING)
RJ: Hey, Lucinda.
Oh, my God!
Roscoe, are you okay?
What do you mean?
Well, your face looks
like you got run over
by a tractor.
Really? I feel fine.
Well, it looks
terrible. Here, sit.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, my God.
Here.
(GRUNTING)
That feels good.
Good, good.
Hey, it might be
a good idea to stop
teasing everybody.
(LAUGHS)
This is nothing.
Why you trying
to front?
I'm not fronting.
(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN)
See? See?
You know
you're hurting.
The Roscoe Jenkins I knew
would've owned up to it.
Well, this is RJ Stevens
you're tending to now, girl.
Yeah, the new
and improved
Roscoe 7.0.
I think Roscoe 1.0
was just fine.
Oh!
I didn't know you were back.
We weren't doing nothing!
Nothing much, that is.
Well, good.
Why don't you
give me a hand, Roscoe?
Papa J,
I thought you
wanted me to help.
No, that's all right.
Roscoe's got this.
Yeah, I got this.
(HAMMERING)
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
Son, you are ready
to get married,
aren't you?
(CHUCKLES)
Of course! Yeah.
Why do you ask?
Well,
if I didn't know
any better,
I'd think there's
something going on
between you and Lucinda.
Oh, no!
I'm just,
you know...
We're just catching up.
Daddy, the wedding
is gonna be hot.
Got the caterer,
R. Kelly's singing...
Beyonce is
gonna choreograph
the Electric Slide.
Roscoe,
I think you know
what I'm saying.
The marriage isn't
about the wedding day.
Your mama and I got married
right out there
in the front yard.
I know, but... Well,
Bianca wants a big wedding
with all the trimmings.
Is that what you want?
Yeah, I... I think.
(STAMMERS)
I do. I do.
(CHUCKLES)
How does Jamaal
feel about that?
Jamaal, he...
Jamaal's cool,
Daddy.
Be mindful of that boy.
He never sees his own mother.
From what he tells me,
he doesn't see much
of you, either.
I'm trying, Daddy.
All right? But the show
keeps me so busy...
The show. Team of Me.
I never quite understood that.
Well, it's... It's just
a saying, you know? Protect
yourself. Be your own man.
Well, that's fine, son, but...
There are times
you gotta depend on others,
family and friends.
I mean, you never learned
anything like that
around here.
And that's certainly not
something you teach a child.
Some kids learn it
on their own, Daddy.
(RJ SNORING)
Honey! I've been busy
with a personal project
all morning
and I'm exhausted, so...
Be a dear and walk
Fifi for me?
Come on, baby.
Let Feef run around
and enjoy nature.
I was hoping
to get a little nap.
Aw.
My little man is tired.
Well, I promise I'll do any
little thing you want if you
do this little thing for me.
Plus, I want to show you
my little project.
(BUZZING)
What project?
Damn!
Are those my initials?
BIANCA: Mmm-hmm.
I told you it was yours.
You're a hell
of an artist, baby.
Come on, Feef!
Come on, Feef, go pee.
(RATTLING)
Oh, shit! Snake!
Feef! Come on,
Feef!
(DOG WHIMPERING)
Run, Fifi! Run!
Come on!
Come on! Hey! Lucinda...
Hey, what's the matter?
Don't go down there.
Fifi's cornered by this
big-ass poisonous snake.
And you left her?
No! Lucinda!
Save yourself!
(LUCINDA SCREAMING)
You see? I'm sorry, Fifi!
I ain't sucking out no...
No poison!
You okay, girl? Yeah?
You just got a little scare,
huh?
(LAUGHS)
Fifi...
It's okay.
It's all right.
She all right?
Yeah.
Here you go. See?
It was just a little
milk snake.
(EXCLAIMS)
Now, that wasn't the snake
I saw. It was an anaconda
or a python.
Well, we don't
have those down here.
For real?
Uh-huh.
There you go.
You want to take a walk?
Sure.
You out here running off
that red velvet cake, huh?
I deserve some cake.
Yeah, no...
Oh, come on, you heard
the stories. Hell,
you witnessed a bunch.
Everybody did everything
better than me. So, I found
something I'm good at.
I get in front of
that audience and
they feel me.
More than anyone
here ever did.
Please, Roscoe.
What family doesn't
mess with one another?
I mean, I got
teased to no end
about my skinny legs.
Yeah, well,
you do have
some slim-jims.
Oh, shut up!
You could pick
your teeth with
those legs.
(LAUGHING) Shut up.
See? You can dish it out, boy.
Especially when it comes
to Clyde.
(SCOFFS) Clyde.
Clyde's big-headed ass
needs to be knocked off
his high horse sometimes.
Why are you two always
digging at each other?
Because Clyde is dirty,
and will use any
underhanded trick to win.
Aren't you
exaggerating
just a little?
No.
And what was all that
"you stole what was mine"
business?
At the picnic.
What did he steal?
A great opportunity.
Well, if it was that great,
why can't you create
another one?
Maybe I will.
Maybe you should.
Well, well, well.
Here y'all are again!
Caught you, didn't I?
Mamma gonna get ya...
This raises
some eyebrows.
Well, sing like a canary,
Reggie. Whistle.
(HUMMING)
All that with the birds.
Harmonize with 'em. But you're
not getting the plasma.
I was walking the dog.
How's that?
Bucky's with us.
I'm talking about Fiona.
Where is Feef?
Oh, I think she's
down by the gully.
Where's Bucky?
Down by the gully.
REGGIE: He's gonna tear it up.
(BUCKY HOWLING)
Bucky, get your ass off!
(WHINING)
Oh, my God.
(EXCLAIMS)
(YELPING)
She is so working him.
Don't be surprised
if he starts barking
in tongues.
(FIFI YELPS)
Bucky done
turned the bitch out.
(EXHALES)
Reg, not a word.
I got you.
Is that plasma TV
under warranty?
Mmm.
I'm a steel trap, player.
That dog gonna need
counseling.
You gonna be all right?
Maybe she won't notice.
(RJ EXHALES)
Oh, baby, me and Fifi
had so much fun out there,
we completely
lost track of time.
Yeah, Daddy loves
himself some Fifi.
Isn't that right, Fifi?
Daddy loves his little Fifi!
Yeah! Oh, we was running
all over the place, baby.
Yeah, she may need a bath.
She got dirty. Real dirty.
Now see here, buster.
Your alliance is with me,
not the prom queen.
Oh, come on, baby.
There's no other alliance.
All right?
Now how about you show me
that little project?
I shaved off
my little project.
Why'd you do that?
If I discover there's
a mutiny afoot, I'm gonna
shave off your little project.
Understand?
Damn!
Damn!
Damn!
MAN ON TV.: One timer! Kaberle.
Goal!
(ALL LAUGHING)
Dang, you got game,
nephew. It's all right.
Hey, Dad!
Roscoe Malley!
What's up, man?
So I heard you been
running around with
my girl again. Come on, man.
Let's play the game.
Me and Junior take on
you and Jamaal.
Yeah.
I don't play
children's games.
Oh, is that right?
Then what's your
poison, brother?
(RATTLING)
Ya hear that, though.
You like that, eh?
Yeah, I've been dying to play
a little click-clack.
Sure you want to
take it there, Clyde?
'Cause I don't play for fun.
Ain't no fun losing money.
Then you're about
to have a bad time.
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
Seven!
Oh, that's gonna be
all day right there!
RJ: Can you handle it?
Money maker! Money maker!
Daddy needs
a new pair of gators.
Watch this right there.
Talking about shake 'em up,
shake 'em up, wake 'em.
Oh!
Yeah, Dad!
Daddy, yes!
You know what, man?
I admire you.
Yeah?
I admire you, Roscoe.
I mean, you still keep trying.
You know, 'cause even
when I lose, I win.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Well, then this must feel like
the championship,
'cause you're
losing the grip.
Bitch!
(ALL LAUGHING)
Right there.
Come on, baby, eat for Mama.
Binata?
You're not listening.
Now, I told you to take
that dog out of my kitchen.
It just ain't sanitary!
What's wrong with people?
Bringing damn dogs
up in folks' kitchen?
Don't make no damn sense.
(SCREAMING)
That ain't nothing, you ain't
even slick with yours,
so that's the problem.
Everybody see what
you're doing, man.
But she mine, bro.
Yeah? Well, you might want
to tell her that, 'cause
she's feeling a brother.
(LAUGHING) Seven again!
All right,
grease is hot,
I need that fish.
RUTHIE: Here you go, baby.
Thank you.
Mmm.
It's a little sweet,
but it's delicious.
Yes! And that wine
of yours, baby,
set it right off!
The '67 Margaux?
Yeah!
That's a $600 bottle!
And worth every penny!
Oh!
Seven again!
Oh!
Somebody stop it!
(LAUGHING)
Come on,
roll the dice,
man.
Oh, I get it.
That's mine,
that's mine.
Pass on that ass.
Oh!
ALL: Oh!
Could it be?
No, no, no, no.
I call gator
on that right there.
Nigga, this ain't Monopoly.
Hey, hey, man!
Roll again, bro.
Clyde, you better un-ass me
before you find yourself
a pinky short.
You better roll again
before you find yourself
an artery short.
(RJ GROWLING)
You brought it on yourself!
You brought it on yourself,
Clyde!
Let's go get some fish.
Okay. Come on, Jamaal.
Is this what you wanted,
Clyde? That's what you want.
That's right! That's right!
That's Junior Varsity
right there, bro!
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Feel that?
Oh, that's your
ass right there!
(ALL LAUGHING)
Wait, wait, stop!
Y'all better stop all that
running through my kitchen!
Got you! Yeah!
You broke Daddy's table!
We worked hard on this!
(SCREAMING)
That's 'cause you fixed it!
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
(ALL CHATTERING)
AMY: I said,
why are you drinking
when you're pregnant?
Well, they said
I could have
a glass of wine.
Really?
They didn't say how many times
you could refill it, though,
baby.
I want to be pregnant!
How about another one?
Let's do it, Balolo.
Clyde-o-mania, baby!
(GROANING)
You ended up with a big dog
now, boy. You ought to
check my dental records.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Lord, these fools
been playing dice.
Hey, knock it off!
Ladies, get the tartar sauce
and the hot sauce,
'cause the Jenkins family is
about to throw down!
(CLYDE AND RJ SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
(CLYDE AND RJ GRUNTING)
(ALL CLAMORING)
(SHOUTING) Man,
what are y'all doing?
Stop that...
(WOMEN SHRIEKING)
BIANCA: RJ, no!
It's hot! It's hot!
(WOMEN SCREAMING)
OTIS: Oh, hell no!
RUTHIE: Oh, my God.
AMY: Are you okay?
Oh, my God.
He started it.
He started it.
(SINGING)
What they heading for now
What they heading for now...
Damn! Poor Mama.
You should have had
more prenatal care.
Look at your kids.
I'm sorry.
(WHIMPERING)
Baby, I'm sorry.
It was an accident.
Silence,
shower, strategy.
That's all
I need right now.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Boy, the shower is all yours.
(REGGIE LAUGHING)
You used all my shit!
Yeah, what?
And you're wearing my robe?
What...
Now, you little...
Bianca, how's Fiona doing?
She still spooked
by that snake?
What snake?
REGGIE: The snake Lucinda
saved Fifi from.
I mean, she seems
pretty relaxed.
That's probably 'cause...
Satellite!
Huh, 'Scoe?
Satellite, pay-per-view,
premium channels,
sports channels,
platinum titty channels...
All that, man.
Playboy channels?
Yeah, butt-naked channels.
You like butt-naked?
Oh, I got to have it.
You like when
they butt-naked,
showing all ass?
You know it.
Gospel channels?
Yeah, you...
Gospel, all that!
Telemundo?
You like Telemundo?
I like... I like Spanish.
All that!
All the...
(IMITATING TANGO MUSIC)
My man. Peace.
(SNARLING)
I don't know
who you are anymore,
Roscoe Jenkins.
Baby, it's me.
It's RJ.
Are you really willing to
put your career, your future,
in jeopardy over a crush?
Career? Baby,
we're getting married.
Get your priorities in order
and decide what and
who you really want.
Let that simmer
while you sleep on
the couch tonight.
We're going to
take a shower.
(SHOWER RUNNING)
Reggie!
Hell, no!
Get your nasty ass outta here!
I didn't know that was you.
You knew I was in here!
You is a nasty common freak!
There is a naked linebacker
in our shower right now.
Now, you done brought
that little white gal
up in here,
now you trying to sneak around
and see some black meat?
Girl, ain't no...
I didn't try to come here
and look at you!
Well, then hand me
my feminine wash!
I can see why
you can't keep a man,
now.
You got to lay off them
Milky Ways and Doritos
and tortillo chips.
And your mother shouldn't have
did them goddamn drugs
when she was pregnant
with you! That's what's wrong
with your black ass!
God, your titties
are huge, Betty.
Look, I'm gonna
tell Daddy.
I'm gonna tell my daddy
that you are in here trying
to see my treats, Reggie.
Wait, you're gonna be lying
if you tell him that!
Then what was you
doing in here?
I thought that...
Can I just give you
this bubblegum and get on
out of here?
What? You wanted Chick-fil-A,
that's what you got.
I'm Burger King.
I'm a Double Whopper.
You want to see this
dark meat? I don't play
that foolishness. You're sick.
I do want to see
the black meat, but I don't
want to see a bundle of it.
Get out of here,
you sick nasty bastard!
RJ: She gonna put me
out of my room.
She's a survivor...
I'm a survivor!
Kiribati, my ass!
Good night, vegan!
(RJ LAUGHS)
Finally, peace at last.
(SNORING)
Bucky!
You stinky dog! Bucky!
Oh, hell no!
(SCREAMING)
He done pissed in my eyes!
It stinks! My eyes! It burns!
Oh, Lord! Oh! Oh...
(GROANING)
It stink. It stink.
My eyes are burning.
It got in my mouth!
They're burning!
Where did I
go wrong
with that boy?
Mama! Mama! Mama!
Lord have mercy.
RJ: Mama!
(DEODRANT SPRAYING)
(WHISPERING)
I don't know
what that is.
WOMAN: (WHISPERING)
Hell, no, that ain't me.
What the...
Come on, baby brother,
ease up, man. You got
my eyes tearing.
My skin is all itchy.
Don't do that, man!
Smells like garbage
truck juice out here.
PAPA: Today
you all continue the
Dry Springs obstacle
course tradition.
So get out there
and display that Jenkins
family athletic prowess!
And, no matter what, have fun!
(ALL CHEERING)
Good luck, young man.
Make me proud.
Win something.
Go on, have a good time.
BETTY: Have fun.
Jamaal, nobody remembers
who came in second, okay?
So you gotta
get pumped, right?
Loosen up.
Loosen up your muscles.
Come on, loosen up!
Come on, come on!
Win! Win!
We're winners.
We're winners.
Ease up now, Kiribati.
Jamaal, go.
This ain't none
of your business, Clyde.
Look, come on, man.
This is just kids having fun.
Well, it ain't no fun
getting beat. You should
know that, Cadillac man.
Hey, that was one time!
Even a blind squirrel
can find a nut.
Who are you
calling a squirrel?
"Who are you
calling a squirrel?"
Roscoe, that's who!
A blind, stink-ass squirrel.
And you the nut. Koo-koo!
Hey, leave my lady
out of this. I know you're not
calling my victory a fluke.
Oh, fluke, luck,
one in a million shot,
yeah.
Well, bring it on, Clyde.
We can do this right here,
right now.
(ALL ARGUING)
He's always been a loser.
He's always gonna be a loser.
(ALL CONTINUE ARGUING)
Hey, Daddy!
Daddy, you hear these fools?
I'm gonna arrest them!
(PAPA SHOUTS)
You two been at this
for 20 years.
Go ahead.
Knock yourselves out.
Starting line, 10 minutes!
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, Daddy! Yeah!
Starting line,
Ten minutes. Ten minutes.
Ten minutes, Clyde!
BIANCA: Get him!
Ten minutes
to countdown, baby!
Come on, Clyde.
Gunfight at the O.K. Corral!
REGGIE: Oh, shoot,
it's the Negro Olympics!
Dad, are you
sure about this?
Focus, son.
Concentrate.
Cut me in or cut it out!
Clyde is favored to do
the job!
Good luck, 'Scoe.
That's right.
Who gonna bet?
Y'all better strap yourselves
in, 'cause this here's
gonna be funny!
Hey, Reggie,
let me get some
of that action!
I got a pulled hamstring
for Clyde and a back spasm
for Roscoe.
(BETTY LAUGHING)
RJ's in top shape.
Your man? No shape.
Clyde is not my man.
We are just...
Just friends.
Yeah. Like you and RJ?
What are you talking about?
I've been watching you.
Trying to win favor
with Jamaal. Realizing
what you missed out on.
It's pathetic.
And you're too late.
'Cause there are no
second chances for
washed-up prom queens.
(EXCLAIMS)
Sorry. Sorry.
Now, that was painful.
You a bad bitch.
You bad.
A bad bitch, Betty?
Please, okay?
She is a fake celebrity,
all right?
Her only claim to fame
is trading her panties
for peanut butter.
That's some nasty shit there.
News flash, honey.
Those panties went
for 20 grand online.
Wait a minute.
Twenty grand
for your panties?
Yes.
Well, wait,
I got some panties,
okay?
I got the good panties,
I got the thong panties,
I got the period panties.
They might...
Betty, I got
a news flash for you.
Bucky boned Fifi.
Oh, Lord!
Well?
Did he kill her?
She was on top.
BETTY: The Pomegramian?
LUCINDA: Now that
is a bad bitch.
BETTY: Oh, my God.
Fifi!
Your dog's a whore!
All right.
On your mark!
Get set!
(ALL CHEERING)
Run, baby!
Get out the way!
What is wrong
with them?
(GRUNTING)
(ALL SHOUTING)
Go!
Oh, get back!
Don't want nothing...
Hey, get back, sucka.
Watch out! Hey!
Get off me!
CLYDE: I got him!
I'm going!
Oh, no!
Share that!
Share that.
(SCEAMING)
I'm gone!
(EXCLAIMS)
Redemption!
Redemption!
Oh, no! No!
Forget it!
You gotta go,
Rasta boy!
(GRUNTS)
No!
Hey!
(GRUNTING)
Cannonball!
Oh, shit!
(GRUNTING)
Hit the floor, baby!
G.I. Joe!
Navy SEAL!
Navy SEAL!
Slip and slide, Clyde!
(GRUNTING)
Try the South Beach Diet,
fat-ass! Yeah!
(LAUGHING)
Come on, baby!
No, you don't!
Oh, hell no! No!
(LAUGHING TRIUMPHANTLY)
(GRUNTING)
(CROWD EXCLAIMING)
(SQUEALING)
Man, I felt that
in my stomach.
(GRUNTS)
OTIS: Come on, baby!
Let's go!
No! No! Hold on!
(SCREAMING)
Son, no! Wait!
(SCREAMING)
Sorry, Dad!
You! You wait! You...
(SCREAMING)
Hold on, baby!
Hold on!
BETTY: Go, Clyde, go!
(CLOTH RIPPllNG)
Oh!
(LAUGHING)
That's all right, baby!
REGGIE: Look at them
stretch marks!
Let's go, Jamaal!
You can do it!
OTIS: Go! Go!
Whoo! Yeah!
It's your ass!
Come on...
Oh, I got you now.
See you at
the finish line, boy.
Get up, baby! Get up!
Yeah!
Yeah...
You see that?
Upper body strength.
That's what
being in the gym
will do for you!
Well, I'm a power runner.
True warrior! Man!
I ain't never scared!
Yeah, me, neither!
(SCREAMING)
I'm going down!
I'm going down!
Mama...
I'm gonna die!
(GROANING)
(EXCLAIMING)
BETTY: Go, Clyde, go!
Go, RJ! Get him!
Help me, Dad!
Hey, come on!
Dad!
Dig in, come on!
I can't!
Help! Dad!
Come on, son!
Come on, Clyde,
you can do it.
(GROANS)
Come on. Come on.
Come on, son! Go!
I'm trying!
Dig in, son!
Hurry up! Dig in! Go!
Leave him, baby, leave him!
Don't let Clyde beat you!
Don't let him win!
Win, RJ, win!
What?
What?
BIANCA: Go, go, go!
(GRUNTING)
Don't give up, son!
Don't give up!
BIANCA: Go, baby, go!
Come on, baby! Go!
(GROANS)
Watch out!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, baby.
No...
No, that's all right.
This is just a mess.
(GRUNTING)
Oh, yeah, sucker!
Oh, no! Hell, no!
Hell, no!
Oh, no, you don't!
No, you don't!
(CROWD CHEERING)
Yeah! Yes! Yeah!
Welcome
to the top, winner!
Oh! Yeah!
Give it up, Clyde.
I still got it.
This is gonna
haunt your dreams
for the next 20 years! Yeah!
Loser!
Callie!
Built for comfort,
not for speed.
Hey, good save,
Steroid Stan!
Good save, boy.
But you know what?
Too bad this ain't
a team competition.
You know why?
'Cause I'm the leader!
Yes! Captain
of the Team of Me!
Just me!
Just me, baby!
Just me!
Yeah!
Come here, son.
No, thanks.
Jamaal! Jamaal!
Jamaal! Jamaal!
What in God's name
is wrong with you?
What? He challenged me, Daddy.
So I stepped to the plate.
What was I supposed
to do, back down?
Hey, don't use
that tone with me!
Show some damn respect!
Where's my respect,
Daddy? Damn!
You've never
given me credit
for nothing I done!
Credit for what?
Winning a child's race?
Buying some fancy TV?
Or that bullshit
show of yours?
Yes! Yes, Daddy! Yes!
Give me some credit!
Show me some damn credit!
Then I feel
very sorry for you.
So, Clyde gets off
easy again.
It wasn't just me
out there, Daddy.
I know he lost his father,
but why did I have to
lose mine, too?
Why, Daddy?
Well, now I see
why you stayed away
for nine years.
Hey. Hey, Roscoe.
Look, man...
I never tried
to take your place.
I was just trying
to fit in.
'Cause even though
we're cousins,
you're my brother, man.
Oh, now
you're Mr. Innocent?
Please!
Don't fall for it, honey.
He's just trying
to suck you in.
Oh, look, heifer,
your narrow ass
about to get sucked in
if something...
Hey, don't do this.
You got a case.
I will cut you.
You got
a case pending.
RJ: You know what?
We're going.
We're going.
I'm not afraid of her.
You need to be afraid of her.
You don't watch Wild Kingdom?
You ain't never seen
a lion attack a gazelle?
She about to
smack the CoverGirl
off your face.
You better
get up out of here.
'Scoe. 'Scoe.
Hey, look, man...
BETTY: Let him go.
Let him go.
Get off of me,
Reggie!
Come on, baby.
BETTY: I can see your spine.
Look at that snake!
It was so good
to see you, Jamaal.
Yeah.
Don't you forget
to stay in touch
with your grandma
and grandpa, you hear?
I will.
Thanks, Mama Jenkins.
Well, here's something
for the road.
Meatloaf,
your favorite.
Thanks, Mama.
Oh, I just hate
to see you go.
But I understand.
Lord have mercy,
I understand.
Just don't let it be
another nine years, okay?
Promise?
Yeah.
We love you.
I love you, too, Mama.
(CAR STARTING)
BIANCA: Honey, don't be sad.
I'm sorry things
didn't work out.
I promise
we'll fix this together.
I hope so, baby.
We'll come up
with a new plan.
Yeah, we have more time
to work on the speech.
We'll film the banquet
in LA, hire actors.
It'll look better.
Hire actors?
To play my family?
Honey...
We're getting married
and forming a powerful merger.
Where does
your family fit
into that?
I guess they don't.
Dad, are you serious?
Jamaal!
Haven't you realized
by now who
your father's become?
It's all about
the Team of Me.
This is Team Stevens,
and you need to get on board.
I'm a Jenkins.
RJ, please talk
to your son.
(SIGHS)
She's right, Jamaal.
We gotta move forward,
all right?
You think just because
you bonded with everybody
I'm gonna send you
down here for summers
and Christmases...
(SCOFFING)
So you can be influenced
by these people?
But... But, Dad!
No buts, Jamaal.
In fact, you know,
let's not even invite them
to the wedding.
(GASPS) Oh, my God!
I'm so glad you said that!
I've been thinking that
ever since I met Betty.
I don't blame you.
Bitch ain't got no class.
You can say that again.
(CHUCKLES)
No class.
(SCOFFS) We can say
that about a few people
in your family.
Right, baby?
Right?
BIANCA: Honey, you are so
doing the right thing.
And making me
so hot in the process.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Well, prepare to cool off,
'cause I'm done with you.
You crazy-ass bitch!
You know what?
Thank you, Bianca.
Thank you so much
for letting me finally
see you for the arrogant,
sex-crazed,
pretentious,
fake-ass celebrity wannabe
that you are.
Thank you, Bianca.
Thank you.
(SCOFFS) Oh, well,
you're so welcome, Roscoe!
I knew it.
You can't handle me.
You're not man enough.
You don't have the balls!
King Kong don't
have the balls!
Bounce!
You just signed
your career
death certificate.
Our alliance
is officially over!
And so are you.
Come on, Fiona.
Come on, Fifi.
Come to Mommy.
(BARKS)
It looks like
your alliance is over,
and you've been
voted off the island.
Bianca, the tribe
has spoken.
Bounce!
(FIONA BARKING)
(SCREAMS IN FRUSTRATION)
Dad, you're the man!
I told you
who the boss was.
Let's go.
Wait, my bags!
I love you, son.
I love you, too, Dad.
Let's go home.
(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)
Mama said,
"Girl, it ain't right
"to throw hot grits
on a man when
you have a disagreement. "
Sound advice.
Real good advice,
but did I listen?
No. Old Betty
had to do it her way.
And that was
my second husband.
God knows
I didn't mean
to burn him.
But my third husband,
Buck, baby...
Buck was good to me!
And any time
you get somebody
that's good to you
like that,
you love 'em.
Big black Buck had
the keloid hanging
from the ear.
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
Looked like he had
a leather hearing aid.
Stop!
Daddy, I know
you didn't
like Buck a lot,
but Buck was a good man
when he got out of jail.
I'm gonna tell you something.
He did everything
he said he was gonna do.
And do you know,
Buck was the only man,
the only man
that could pick me up?
Baby, y'all don't
know what it's like
for a man
to scoop you
up like that.
Betty. Betty...
I'm trying
to tell 'em!
Scoop you like...
Betty.
Get off of me!
I'm not finished.
Betty.
You a hater!
I ain't no hater.
We only got
five hours to be here.
Shut up!
Thank you, Betty!
Thank you! Yeah!
And now for
our next testimonial.
It'll come from Clyde.
All right,
how's everybody doing?
Ain't God good?
All the time.
It is a pleasure
and a privilege
to be here
for Papa J
and Mama J's
50th anniversary.
Lord, growing up
in this Jenkins household
was something else.
And Papa J is a strong man.
I mean, well,
this the kind of person,
when he say
he'll slap
the black off you,
I mean the black
really will come off.
I woke up light-skinned
at least three times
in my life.
(ALL CHUCKLING)
Yeah, I got it all back.
You all right?
You barely ate.
But you know,
working in his
hardware store...
I just wish
Roscoe were here.
Roscoe
made his choice.
You didn't give him
much of one.
What was I supposed to do?
Be disrespected
in my own home?
Be his father.
Giving him your name
doesn't make him you, Roscoe.
It doesn't make him
Betty or Otis
or even Clyde.
He's Roscoe Junior. RJ.
And for a boy
who didn't feel
the support of his family,
he's doing quite well
for himself.
... sleeping in
the bottom bunk bed,
you know,
under RJ, and then
I was nervous
'cause he would pee
in the bed.
And that would,
you know,
that would...
I would have
some scary nights sometime.
You know, it's hard sleeping
with a raincoat on, you know.
And, you know, and...
And I tried to explain
to them that, you know,
that's Roscoe
the one that's peeing
in the bed, not me.
And, he...
(SOBBING)
You know, just the way
they took me in
was so gracious.
They didn't have
to do that.
I thank you.
I thank y'all and...
Because I don't know
where I would be
right now if...
(CRYING LOUDLY)
Nigga, what is you crying for?
Big old Sugar
Bear-looking-ass boy.
Sitting up there crying.
He's still wearing
the pajamas
with the feet in 'em.
Wow, I've never seen
Clyde cry before.
Ain't nobody crying.
I'm just cleansing.
No, those some
real tears right there.
I know.
I've cried more
than a newborn baby
getting his ass popped.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Hey, guys.
RJ.: I've been beat up...
Hey, Jamaal!
... insulted,
laughed at...
A lot.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Hey, you're laughing already.
I lost more games
and competitions
to Clyde
than I can remember.
Oh, 3,459 and counting.
Thank you, Clyde.
I thought I was a loser.
So I went away
and transformed myself
into what I thought
was a winner.
But being
around y'all
is a 24/7
reality check.
Y'all rough on a brother.
The clothes,
the car, the Survivor...
Y'all pull no punches.
You know that's right!
Betty, you got
a hell of a right hand.
That's no joke.
And O, you got
a hell of a left hand.
That's right.
But look, I...
I want to thank you,
all of you, my family.
Thank you
for making me
a better man.
For giving me strength to...
To withstand anything
this world throws at me.
For unconditional love,
and a place to call home.
I'm not gonna do it.
I'm not gonna cry.
Happy Anniversary,
Mommy, Daddy.
I love you.
I'm so proud of you.
I know. We all need love.
Yeah, come on, Clyde.
We gonna let them
have this moment,
all right?
I just want a hug, O.
I know, baby.
Come over here and let's...
Son,
if I ever drove you away,
if I ever made you
feel unworthy,
I'm sorry. I love you.
Glad to have you back.
And those words
you just said,
that's the best gift
I've ever received,
RJ Stevens.
Well, it's
from the heart, Daddy.
And the name is Jenkins.
Roscoe Steven Jenkins.
Just like my daddy.
ALL: Aw.
Reggie, come here.
What the hell
is wrong with you, nigga?
What the hell
has gotten into you?
Man, he needs help.
Go get her, son.
(SAVING ALL MY LO VE FOR YOU
PLAYING)
Lucinda?
Yes?
I waited 20 years
to create this opportunity.
Would you dance with me?
I'd love to.
Lucinda, I'm happy for you.
Hey! Betty, come on,
let's get out here
and cut a rug, girl.
Negro, we're cousins.
That's nasty!
So desperate.
That's a damn shame.
You gonna play me for him?
He got on an ankle bracelet!
Thank you.
(LAUGHING)
Did you see
the bedroom?
BETTY: Look at Roscoe
trying to be in love.
I heard that.
PAPA: Now,
that's a good picture.
Oh, look at that.
Yeah, this should
be good.
There's Sugar Bear Clyde.
Look at that.
That looks good, Reggie.
That's a blue bonnet, baby.
Pow!
That boy crazy
right there, isn't he?
We do have
one hell of a family.
We sure do, Daddy.
Where are
those two anyway?
Oh, Ma, you know
where they are.
That's nice.
BOTH: Uh-uh.
(WHIMPERING)
ANNOUNCER.:
Ladies and gentlemen,
your host, Roscoe Jenkins!
All right.
Thank you,
thank you.
You all looking good.
Looking good.
What's good, family?
Today's show
is about family.
And what better way
to kick it off than
with the doctor's own?
Say hello
to the Jenkins clan.
Hey, y'all!
Hey, everybody!
Ow! Pump, pump, pump,
pump, pump, pump, pa-pump!
Pump, pump, pump, pump!
Betty. Betty. Yes!
BETTY: Mind your
own business, Otis.
We'll be right back.
We just trying
to have a good time
here on 'Scoe's show.
You always
gotta say something.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Let's get started.
You're a doctor,
so tell me this.
Why am I
having trouble
reaching an orgasm?
So you've never
been able to?
BETTY: Now, I know how
to get myself
to the destination,
I just need
a captain
to navigate the waters.
Now, 'Scoe,
you got to
help me here.
Is that thing physical
or is that thing mental?
Or is it emotional, 'Scoe?
Like, where do
you go to find...
Can we cut?
I'm... I'm uncomfortable.
Wait a minute, 'Scoe.
I'm just trying
to figure out
how I'm supposed
to get mine, okay?
So you think
it's okay to
spank your kids.
Yeah, I spank my kids.
I get in their...
They... up,
I start... them up.
Tag team.
Oh, cuss words.
Oh, gee, I'm sorry.
...that!
You know me, man.
Hustling is my job.
I mean, I ain't never
really paid no rent.
You know what I'm saying?
I ain't never
really paid no bills.
You know
what I'm saying?
So... But I...
For some reason,
I've always got
cash in my pocket!
I guess
it's 'cause
I got a honest face.
I mean,
I don't know,
you might have
a problem with that
since, when we was
little I would
always beat you.
You know what I'm saying?
You pull out the cards,
you one, two, three,
you draw four, I'm like...
Uno. You know what
I'm saying? You make
a move, I'm C-4, C-2...
I sunk your battleship.
You remember that,
don't you?
BETTY: And then
he be finished.
I'm like, "Damn!
"Is something wrong
with my... My cakes?"
You know
what I'm saying?
I don't know if
something wrong
with my tastycakes,
'Scoe.
You actually
tase your kids?
Hell, yeah,
I tase my... kids.
You shock 'em,
they be like...
I say, "You gonna
take out that trash now?"
He just...
For not taking
out the trash?
(IMITAING ELECTROCUTION)
right through his big...
"Yes... Dad..."
Yeah.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hold it, hold up.
Who is this? Yeah, what it is?
Man, I'm on the show.
You ain't watching?
I'm on the show right now!
I ain't gotta...
No, I'm on the show.
Look at me. Look.
We could do it
right now, bro.
You put your hands up...
Or rock-paper-scissors.
We could do it right here.
I mean, you know,
what you scratching for?
You know, you want to
scratch? You want to
have a scratch battle?
'Cause we can scratch out.
We can...
We could DJ scratch...
I'll make me a bubble bath,
light me some little candles,
and then I gets
down in that water,
'Scoe, and I be...
I'm thinking
about it right now.
Let me get myself together.
Cut! Cut!
God forgive me.
Take the $150,
go buy you a eight ball.
Flip the eight ball,
you gonna make 300 off that.
Take the 300,
get you a quarter.
Take the quarter ounce,
flip that.
Stay over at Aunt Lea's...
Like if you...
If there wasn't
an audience out there,
I would race you
up and down
the audience steps.
We can go.
You know
we can go, too.
Take the half ounce money,
flip the half ounce money.
Now you ready for a ounce.
You got a quarter ki now!
Now everybody
in the neighborhood
got on new sneakers
and walkie-talkies.
Everybody
is working for you,
you doing your thing
and everything.
I hope the feds
ain't watching this.
I'll call you back.
I am. I am afraid, okay?
I'm... I'm...
I'm afraid of being hurt,
and I don't
want to be hurt.
You pursue
unattainable men.
What?
You want men
you can't have.
Men I can't have?
Listen here... okay?
I can have any man
I want, okay?
Don't get me
twisted, 'Scoe.
I am pretty
in the face and thick
around the waist.
You better
ask somebody.
I got sugar walls!
This right here
is sweet tea.
Ain't that
right, baby?
Yo, ma.
Yeah. I'm saying,
Doc, the booty
is illmatic!
Well, that wasn't
quite what a brother
had in mind.
But that's the thing
about family.
Unpredictable,
but entertaining.
And we love 'em.
Peace.
(WE ARE FAMILY PLAYING)