Welcome to Me (2014) Movie Script
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You have 16 new messages.
First new message.
Hey, booboo. Gina here.
Pick up the phone.
Pick up. Come on.
I just had the craziest phone conversation
with this telemarketer
- and he's kind of sexy.
- Next new message.
Hi, Alice. It's Daryl Moffet.
I just got off the phone with Greg
at Suncoast Pharmacy.
I had no idea you weren't picking up
your medication. Can you give me a call?
Your home is far less likely...
Everybody comes
to our beautiful planet Earth
and it is beautiful
if you saw our show on Friday
to do something great, something unique,
something that only you were born to do.
Only you can give.
So, what is your calling?
I definitely know what mine is.
This show is about helping
all of you who are watching us.
Think about and then figure out,
'cause that's your real job, to figure out
what is your calling,
and then begin to honor it.
Hundreds of people in this audience...
I'm going to have to check on her. Yeah.
I should... head out.
I'm... It was nice to meet you.
- Alice.
- Alice.
Take care, Alice.
- Who was that?
- I don't know.
She asked if there was a rape
in A Tale of Two Cities.
If maybe, well, one that's just for you.
Just a phone call, but hopefully
a new start for your friendships.
And hopefully those of you
who haven't made the call,
in six years, ten years, twelve,
will get the nerve from this show
to pick up the phone and reconnect.
Do that for yourself.
The California Stack Sweepstakes.
Hello, California.
Happy Independence Day.
I'm Helen Hardaway, and welcome
to the California Stack drawing.
Tonight, you need to pick
four or more numbers to win.
Get all eight numbers and you could win
or share tonight's jackpot
of $86 million.
And away we go.
Number 40,
23.
There's 37
followed by 14.
There's 57, 15.
And finally our bonus numbers
are... 54 and 39.
Lottery retailers will pay for prizes
up to one hundred...
Thanks for calling
the California Lottery.
If you're calling to report a winning,
just say "I'm a winner at any time."
Oops. I didn't catch that.
If you're calling to report a winning,
just say "I'm a winner at any time."
- I'm a winner.
- Oops. I didn't catch that.
If you're calling to report a winning,
just say "I'm a winner at any time."
- I'm a winner at any time.
- Congratulations. Please hold.
Yesterday was a very lucky day
for Alice Klieg,
a Palm Desert woman
who holds the winning ticket
for an $86 million California
Stack Sweepstakes payout.
Oh, my... That's my...
That's my friend! Oh, my God!
Thank you. Thank you.
I'd like to read
from a prepared statement.
I was a summer baby, born in the year
1971 in Simi Valley, California.
My mother was a nutritionist
and my father was a commercial baker.
And I've been using masturbation
as a sedative since 1991.
We're unable to show you the rest.
Yesterday was a...
They cut me off.
- Hello?
- What...
Hi, Ted. Alice, it's Ted.
He saw you on the news.
- They cut me off.
- Yeah, she's mad they cut her speech off.
- She sounds bad.
- She's about a 7.5 and climbing.
- You don't have to stay.
- Somebody has to stay.
- They cut me off.
- Okay. Later, tater.
Alice?
You hungry?
I'm going to take an iodine bath.
It's my new thing. I'm managing my moods
by living a high protein lifestyle.
What's going on with the Abilify?
I have a prepared statement.
Okay.
"Dear Daryl, it's been
a good run, Daryl,
"but as I will no longer be collecting
disability from the State of California,
"our visits are no longer mandatory.
"I appreciate everything
you have done for me,
"but as a new member
of the rich and famous,
I simply don't have time for the pain."
Well, I have something
I'd like to read, too.
"My dear Alice,
I would be happy to discuss the logistical
details of our new relationship,
"a relationship which gives me great pride
when I reflect on the ground
that we have covered.
"Since the psycho-pharmacological
value of string cheese in the treatment
"of borderline personality disorder is not,
to my knowledge, even in clinical trials,
"I would encourage you to reconsider
walking away from the good
and necessary work that we do."
Why did you stop your medication?
It's a new era.
Eighty-six million-dollar Alice.
Do you really want to stop seeing me?
No.
Yes.
No.
What do you want to do, Alice?
Something really big.
I'm moving today.
Nice.
Good.
If I paid you...
would you give me
a clean-bill health, mentally?
Thanks for choosing
our casino, Miss Klieg.
- So, how long do you plan on staying?
- Indefinitely.
Do you allow pets here?
Well, I'm sure we can work
something out.
- Do you have a dog?
- No.
What's the matter, sweetie?
Located at the beautiful
Palm Springs area.
Nothing.
What I'm suggesting,
is a more of a less idea.
A five-dollar tip for you.
Just ask Ted for a little advice,
small amount,
- about what to do with your money.
- I don't need any help, Mommy.
No hand? Oh, thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
- Sorry, Mom.
- It's all right.
Teddy.
- Welcome to my new home.
- This must be your Alice.
- This is Derick.
- Hi, it's so nice to fina... Okay.
This is... this is my best friend, Gina.
- I'm her Gina. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
Those two sour pussies
over there are my parents.
This is Derick, Ted's male lover.
Isn't that good?
- Hi, hi.
- Hi.
If it weren't for you,
I don't know what we would do.
- I always knew about Ted.
- What?
When we were married.
By the way he fucked me.
I get it.
So...
how does it feel to be a millionaire?
I have a prepared statement.
Prepared statement.
Okay.
Here's what I want to say.
Cause. Okay?
Effect. Okay?
"I want each of you
to understand that...
"you can have what I have right now
if you really believe it.
- You too can have a new life."
- New life.
New life.
"And as I begin my new life,
I must reflect on the love and inspiration
each of you has given me."
I love you, guys.
Shit, I didn't want to cry until the end.
A toast to Alice and her new life.
New life.
To my new life.
Let's hope.
I'm going to get shrimp.
...it's harvested in Ecuador,
where the locals call it La Madre
or The Mother.
Smoothies are such a great way
to load up on powerful nutrition.
Every single particle of Live Alchemy
contains coded blueprints
that actually rewrite your DNA.
So, who's ready for a new life?
This has been a live broadcast from the
headquarters of New Vibrance Studios.
If you're interested in being a member
of our studio audience,
please contact the number below.
Live for Palm Desert, California,
welcome to Live Alchemy.
You can't put yogurt
in waste baskets. Okay?
I know, but then, you can't just
let it be there. It's disgusting.
Good to see you.
Welcome to Live Alchemy.
I'm Gabe Ruskin.
Now, what if I were to tell you
one teaspoon of Live Alchemy
contains more usable protein
than a 16-ounce sirloin steak.
- Well, get ready to pan to the audience.
- It's true. What if I were to tell you...
...that in 100 years, our main source
of food would be algae?
Now.
I would believe it.
Hey, hey, wow. We got a live one.
And I wouldn't lie to you. Now...
We're all used to healthy food
tasting like dirt, right?
Frank, pull away please.
Right, I mean, it's really bad. Well...
I'd like to get a volunteer
from the audience
to come taste my chocolate amaretto
smoothie with Live Alchemy.
Who's curious?
No, no. Come on.
Not the crazy bitch. Gabe.
Who's game? You want to come up?
Right up here. Welcome. Yeah, it's good.
Thanks for being brave, yeah.
Very courageous of you.
Would you believe me?
Most people, they hear "algae"
and they say "yuck".
I'm not afraid of anything, Gabe.
Including success.
Oh, what's your name?
My name is Alice Klieg.
I watch you when I sleep.
What... what was that?
Is that so?
This is my second time on TV this week.
- Oh, your second time, really?
- Yes, Gabe.
I won the California Stack Sweepstakes.
Eighty-six million dollars.
I did a press conference that aired
on all of the stations in this area.
That's incredible. You are a lucky lady.
And we're lucky to have you here
to be our guinea pig to try...
- Winning has nothing to do with luck.
- It doesn't?
No. It's all mental training.
Dawn, what the hell?
Well, why don't you ask your brother?
He seems to be...
- Are we in control here or what?
- Not currently.
Oprah says that everything in our world
is created on a DNA level by what we think.
I thought I was a winner.
I won $86 million.
- All right, give me the word, Rich.
- Wait.
- That is just great.
- I didn't always think of myself as a winner.
When I was 16, I was diagnosed
with manic depression.
In my 20s, it was called
rapid cycling bipolar disorder.
Now it's just called
borderline personality disorder.
- Alice, maybe come back to your seat.
- No!
Now it's just called
borderline personality disorder.
Who can keep up?
For most of my life,
I let my diagnosis define who I was.
Big mistake.
At a certain point, I realized I had
to get back to me... before my illness.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my... Why are we following her?
I was a summer baby born in 1971
in Simi Valley, California.
And I've been using masturbation
as a sedative since 1991.
- We have to kill this, Rich.
- Okay, kill it.
- Kill it, please.
- My father was a commercial baker.
Introducing Essentis,
luxury hair care system
formulated with natural
and organic components...
Do you think she really won the lottery?
Seriously. Can someone Google that?
What was her name?
Oh, my God. Gabe, that was the best
experience of my whole entire life.
You didn't have to buy me out.
I need the protein.
Hey.
You must be the big winner.
Hi, I'm Rich.
Me, too.
I'm Gabe's brother.
- So, you own all of this?
- Gabe and I sure do, yeah.
- I have an idea for a show.
- What kind of show?
How about this?
You want to come in tomorrow,
we'll sit down,
we have an official meeting,
and we can hear all about this show
of yours. I'm sure it's a knockout.
- Okay, yeah.
- Does that sound good?
- Yeah.
- Great.
It's a mindset, right?
Okay. I'll see you tomorrow.
Anything she wants.
Anything.
Okay.
You realize that's where we are, right?
It's that bad?
We run a company together.
Jesus Christ, where the hell are you?
- Wait. I thought we were doing okay.
- We were doing okay in the '90s.
Not so much now. We're going to have
to start laying people off again.
No, no.
So, they thought I had this virus
that only cats get,
but it turned out to just be IBS.
So I couldn't have any orgasms.
I was in the hospital for three weeks.
But I feel so much better now.
That is so great, Alice.
- Should I just bring it in?
- Sure.
Great. Pastrami's mine.
Why don't we get to your idea?
I want a talk show with me as the host.
Okay. Well, it wouldn't... be our
first foray into vanity programming.
That's true. Last year
we did that hobby show.
I think Alice wants
to take over for Oprah.
- Good deal.
- That's crazy.
So, you want to talk
about current events?
No.
A show with guests and do interviews?
No.
What kind of stuff
do you want to talk about?
Me.
I'm still not getting
what the show is going to be.
Let me, Deb.
Alice directing, shooting, editing,
sets, costume design,
- hair and makeup.
- Yeah. I want all that.
All these things add up to making,
creating your own show extremely expensive.
Yeah, particularly when you're not
offsetting those costs
with income from selling products.
- Are we talking about a half hour or...
- Two hours.
- How much would that cost?
- Two hours?
You're looking at $100,000 an episode.
I'd say more like 150.
And that times a hundred would be...
That's $15 million.
$15 million.
My business stuff.
Oh, and I want to come in
on a swan boat.
$15 million.
Guys, we're doing this.
$15 million.
- Yes. Come on, it'll be fun.
- Like a nervous breakdown is fun?
Dawn, everyone...
we do this show or we start
laying people off again.
Have you thought about how this
is going to affect the other brands?
Well, Live Alchemy hasn't turned
a profit in two and a half years.
Same with Viva Ceramica, San Tropez,
Neo Regenerative. Neo Regenerative
has never turned a profit.
- Neo Regenetif. It's French.
- Is that how you say it? Shut up.
Here's the deal. We are dead
in the water without this woman.
The almonds.
Leave the almonds on the floor.
I can clean them up after the session.
Would it make you feel better
if you were eating, too?
This eating is not working for me.
The food is distracting from the work.
I have to eat because
of my new relationship with glucose.
All right. You can have
a snack at five of two
and another one at 2:50.
Please stop eating in session.
So...
like Oprah, but with a swan boat.
Talk show.
Hosted by...
Me.
- Hosted by you.
- Yeah.
All right.
Well, how about a little recap?
In case you missed last week's episode
of the Alice Klieg Show...
That's not what it's called.
That's not the name of it.
You're off your meds,
you just spent $15 million,
you're living in a reservation casino,
and you're hosting your own talk show.
I thought I asked you not to eat.
It's a banana.
It's in its own container.
I come out... on the swan boat.
And then I talk about myself.
Is there a show that's kind of like
what you want your show to be?
Oprah.
So, maybe we should watch
some old Oprahs
and pay special attention
to how each show has a topic.
I have a topic.
- Which is?
- Me.
- What does that mean?
- You know, just what I love.
My hopes, my dreams. What I like to eat.
Who I think is a cunt. My spirituality.
Me.
We need to figure out
how to break this down into segments.
- This is going be live.
- Yeah, okay.
Well... we have regulating your moods
with a high protein lifestyle.
- I want to do a reenactment.
- About what?
- Jordana.
- Jordana who?
- Jordana Spangler.
- Who is Jordana Spangler?
A liar.
Donna Keever.
We'll be right with you.
Alice's. For the reenactments.
- Oh, right. Where is she?
- In the booth, recording her theme song.
You should hear these segment ideas.
- "Matching Colors to Emotions."
- Okay. What else?
"To Be a Woman." That one's a song.
Something called
"I Can Still Smell You."
"Lucky Foods", "You Got Everything,
I Got Nothing."
Can we please... talk about this?
Talk about what?
I don't feel great
about where this is going.
How do you feel
about where this is going?
I'm glad we got to do this.
I got work to do.
Poor sad eyes.
I miss being around dogs.
I'll take Godzilla over here.
Get in.
You want to talk camera?
That's the zoom. That's the focus.
Here's the pan.
Yeah? And the tilt.
And up here's the tally light.
When that's on, you know it's recording.
- Do you want to have dinner?
- I can't.
Can it be a work dinner?
Can it not be a work dinner?
It's just a restraining order.
It's not a big deal.
- Sounds like cops.
- It's real.
I can't go within 50 feet of her.
Or Souplantation.
I've been divorced twice.
Really?
Yeah.
Not twice. I mean three times.
I... I love too much.
It's not a good thing.
I have a swing over my bed.
I mean, I...
I used to... It's in the garage now.
Can I make an observation?
Sure.
I want you to fuck me so bad.
Hang over.
Hey.
I'm going in there, you guys.
Alice?
We need you in hair and makeup.
We're all very proud of you.
Me, too.
You are ready.
You are beautiful.
You are great.
- You are nice.
- In front of the... lips.
You are edible.
This is the best
I can do for you, honey.
- You should go now, Alice.
- Good luck.
- It's not about luck.
- Okay.
Thirty seconds to air.
Camera two to your mark.
Does anyone know where she is?
We need her in the bird.
- We need to get you in the bird.
- Okay, Grace has got her.
An Aeroknife,
no force or strength or pressure.
She's doing the best she can.
Do you have any questions?
Yeah, when people see me on TV, is my face
switched around or on the right side?
- You're going to look great.
- Thanks.
Have fun.
We go live in five, four, three.
Everybody, she is on her way.
From Palm Desert, California,
New Vibrance Studios,
it's Welcome To Me,
with your host, Alice Klieg.
She's doing a lot with her hands.
- What is she doing?
- I think she's a little frozen.
- Come on.
- Say something, Alice. Say something.
You're on TV now.
Hello. I'm Alice Klieg,
and Welcome To Me.
And so it begins.
Lose it. Twenty to the insert.
This morning I woke up and there was
a pubic hair on my pillow
shaped like a question mark.
And it really got me thinking
of unanswered questions.
Like all the times in my life when I was
supposed to feel something,
but I felt nothing.
And all the other times in my life
where I wasn't supposed to feel anything,
but I felt too much,
and the people around me weren't
really ready for all of my feelings.
How many episodes did she buy?
To me, it's worse than heroin.
Worse than any childhood
sexual abuse. You name it.
It wasn't until
I got off the sugar wheel
that I really took control
of my life for the first time.
Then I went off my meds.
Grape tomatoes. They're low glycemic...
Did you know that?
Ladies and gentlemen, meatloaf cake
with mashed sweet potato icing.
With only 433 calories,
52 grams of protein,
and only five carbohydrants.
I think I'm going to have a slice.
Is it carbohydrates or carbohydrants?
It's carbohydrates.
- What's the next piece?
- No, we're on this for a while.
Can Frank tell her to move it along?
No, this is what she wanted.
She wanted to...
She wanted to sit and eat
the cake for an hour?
Yes. Not an hour.
I think it's a good five minutes, though.
So good.
Sometimes I really wonder about people.
Whether they stop maturing emotionally
because of a traumatic event,
maybe a birth defect.
We may never know what twisted the soul
of the daughter of a California dentist,
and to the cruel and malicious
betrayer she became.
Come with me.
I want to show you something.
I'm going to ride my bike.
Come, tag along.
Your sandwich has Cheddar cheese,
also lettuce and some mayonnaise.
Good, good. That's what I want.
Now, in the manner of girls,
let's share some secrets. You start.
What a relief.
Now I can let my hair down.
And by hair I mean defense mechanisms.
And now that you feel safe,
you can tell me anything.
When I was 19, I went to live
with a minister and his family
as an exchange student.
One day we went to the zoo
and I saw a swan choke on a pretzel bite
before my very eyes.
You told everyone at school
I was borderline.
And when I asked you,
you denied telling anyone.
But every single person that I talked to
told me that you said I was.
Everything was different after that.
And it really hurt me.
Fuck you to death, Jordana.
Why did it end like that?
We have a few bumps to iron out.
Why does it look so inexpensive?
Well, Alice, we got you
up and running pretty quickly,
- so we're still trying to...
- And why doesn't it look like Oprah?
Because you ate a cake
made out of hamburger and started crying.
Oprah had the highest production
values in the business.
She had the best graphics,
the best lighting, sets, sound.
She had everything.
I'd like that.
This is all doable.
Oh, I want a new opening,
and a new Alice.
And I'd like more swans, too.
I can bring those from home.
Yeah. I want to talk to people.
You know, like Larry King.
- What was wrong with the girl who played you?
- She just wasn't me.
Can someone give me a lift?
Sure.
I don't even know
where to begin. Really.
Why don't we try to get the swans?
She has them at home.
She said she's bringing...
I'm not buying one fucking swan.
You left the TV on.
It's been on for 11 years.
I should have them
take you to the studio.
Thanks for driving me. This is my old house
from when I was a different person.
I see you... got everything by color.
Colors help me keep
my emotions separate.
Yeah, I can never keep
my emotions separate.
Have you ever done it in a bag?
No.
- Shall I take this off?
- No, no.
If you're embarrassed about your feet,
tired of tearing pantyhose,
or sick of messy scrapers that hurt,
then you need Ped Egg,
the number one selling ultimate way...
Good morning. My name is Alice Klieg,
and Welcome To Me.
Live from New Vibrance Studios
in Palm Desert, California,
it's Welcome To Me.
With your host, Alice Klieg.
That corn is pretty.
Let's get ready to track and dissolve.
Water. Thank you, baby.
No problem, baby.
It's all working for you.
And rotate set.
Come with me. Enjoy another time
that happened to me.
Big Bear, 1991.
Thief!
Keep going.
Buy your own makeup, Josie Gaston.
Yes.
Oh, my gosh.
Someone's been tampering
with my makeup bag.
Really loud. You have to yell. Yell it.
Someone!
Someone's been tampering
with my makeup bag!
- How in this world.
- How in this world!
Someone's been tampering
with my makeup... bag!
She's got problems.
I know, it's very upsetting.
I was very upset.
I cried for so many days.
You said Bill looked like a drug addict
and that he had no business
working around people.
- Her Mom is kicking her ass.
- But she's not paying attention, clearly.
You remember what you want to remember.
Now we're all paying attention.
Grape tomatoes. They're low glycemic
and full of phytonutrients.
- Alice?
- Yes, hi. Thanks for calling.
- I think you're a genius.
- You do?
Yeah. I attended
your last show, actually.
Godzilla, come here, come here.
Godzilla, come here.
- That's for menopause.
- I like it.
Why don't you get a titty-kini?
I look horrible in those.
What do you mean
you're not a bikini type?
You know. Bikini types. One piece types.
You got it all wrong, Gina.
If you want to wear a two-piece,
the decision lies with you.
And nobody has the right
to tell you otherwise.
Come on, love yourself.
I sure do.
This is the one I chose.
Nothing. Nothing.
There are two times in my life I've performed
oral sex on a man twice my age.
Jesus.
And that's when I found out
you were a hermaphrodite.
You're a liar, Jordana Spangler.
- You're on TV.
- I don't want to be on TV.
Everybody wants to be on TV.
Not everyone
is an emotional exhibitionist.
Good morning. My name is Alice Klieg,
and Welcome To Me.
Welcome To Me.
Welcome To Me. Me, me, me.
And Welcome To Me.
I knew if I bit him again,
he would beat me.
And I don't mean, like,
on Thanksgiving, you know,
like a sexy beating.
I mean like a real beating.
He would say, "That's just how we do things
in Gaithersburg, Maryland."
Like he was Mr. Big Man,
and he really wasn't.
I was a superior wrestler, even though
I didn't have the training he did.
I should let you know
that I tried to have you put
on psychiatric hold last week.
And what is that?
It means having you involuntarily
committed for an observation period.
- Well, thank you.
- You're welcome.
I'm very worried about you.
I feel like you are
a danger to yourself.
Maybe I'm not what you think I am.
I'm going to read a list of symptoms
common to people getting off of Abilify.
Tell me if you are experiencing
any of this, okay?
Do you have anything to say
before you are sentenced?
I am innocent.
But your wantonness and perversion
have threatened the sanctity of Canada.
But I never asked for these or this.
Alice Klieg, you are found guilty.
Guilty, guilty.
No.
Mama.
It's so dark. Mama. I can see
the pommel horse, mama.
Yeah, yeah, I got Alice.
Yeah, copy that.
Miss Klieg.
- Who are you?
- Hi. I'm Rainer.
- I actually called during your last show.
- I remember.
Yeah. I just want to say I thought
this was, like, your best show yet.
- Really?
- Yeah, you should do five shows a week.
- I hate waiting.
- Like Oprah.
Yeah, I don't know.
I'm writing this paper about you,
about your invention
of the narrative infomercial,
and I was wondering if maybe
you would want to be interviewed.
- Okay.
- Yeah?
Same stuff here.
- Hey, Alice.
- Guess what.
They picked up my show
for five days a week.
Wow, that's great.
And I'm recording my song
with a European orchestra,
and they're studying me in school.
This grad student came to my show.
He was wearing a tuxedo.
That's... so great, Alice.
It just, you know, for the record,
I just want to say that I don't...
I don't like bikinis.
It's not that I think that I'm fat
or anything. I just I don't...
- They're ready to start.
- You know what? I got to go.
- Sorry, I'm at work.
- Okay.
Cindy Sherman.
Yeah, from Laverne and Shirley?
No, no. She's a photographer.
Man, the fact that you don't know
who she is,
makes you, like, 75 million times
more radical than you already are.
- Do you mind if I...
- No. Not at all.
I love your facial expressions.
Well, thank you.
I've never been interviewed before.
- Well, yeah, cheers.
- Congratulations.
- Oh, is it not good?
- I don't drink.
Cool. So, I'm interviewing you
for this class that I'm in right now
called Memoir in Performance,
- and when I saw your reenactments...
- I love you.
I love the way that you play with gender
and race and time
and perception in your work.
I'm just wondering, what's behind
the color-blind casting for you?
Oh, you mean the skier in "Someone's
been tampering with my makeup bag?"
- Yeah.
- She was the prettiest that day.
I was prettier back then.
Do you think I'm pretty now?
- That's what you said.
- I said...
It's got 170,000 hits already.
- How did you know I was on here?
- I'm monitoring your web presence.
You've got some copycats, too.
But they're not you.
I don't feel so good.
You're not supposed to swallow it.
Am I supposed to swallow you?
Alice.
Oh, my God.
Birth.
Purpose.
Destiny.
Intention.
Oprah Winfrey.
From the early days of television,
there has been an unbroken line of sharing,
showing, and growing.
Thank you for choosing Welcome To Me.
Fasten your safety belts
and prepare for take-off.
And now, your host, Alice Klieg.
Alice? Are you still there?
- Yeah, I'm here.
- I hear... noises in the background there.
- Oh, I'm at the airport.
- Where are you flying to?
Oh, I'm not. I just...
I had to mail something.
Okay.
So, are you planning on seeing...
- his name...
- Rainer?
Are you s... Are you planning
on seeing Rainer again?
Hello?
- I want you to know I'm not mad at you anymore.
- About what?
Remember the other day
when you yelled at me?
Alice, please reconsider
getting back on your regimen.
If it's a dosage thing,
we can figure it out, make adjustments.
Okay, our time is up.
We've got red kidney beans, ground beef,
low sugar tomato sauce,
herbs and spices,
bringing us in at only nine grams
of carbohydrants per serving.
Now, that's a low glycemic meal.
- Dawn? Frank? Can you see this?
- Not really, Alice.
Why don't you bring it on down
so the audience can take a look?
- Good idea, baby.
- No problem, baby.
Oh, my God, I'm burning.
- Oh, my God. I'm burning.
- Grace, go help her get that off.
Oh, my... Get away from me.
How did this happen? Help me!
Whose job is this? Help me! Gabe!
- You should try Gabe again.
- I'll try him in a little bit.
- Did you tell him I'm in the burn unit?
- Yeah, I already did.
Will it be a lot of damage?
Only second-degree burns.
Why did this happen to me?
Lady Gym is closing.
Do you think I should sue the station?
I lost my job.
You'll find one.
I can't feel my tits.
Oh, don't go. Please.
I got to get a few hours sleep
or I'll be useless tomorrow.
I have four interviews lined up.
Okay.
Can someone please
turn my fucking TV on?
- You didn't answer the front door.
- That's right, I didn't.
I saw the show.
Which one?
The one that I was on.
- I should've let you know.
- Yes, you should have.
Where are you going?
These are all well respected doctors,
a couple of whom I know personally.
They'd be happy to consider
taking you on as a patient.
- You're firing me?
- I'm not firing you.
I'm seeing to my own safety.
You should try it.
Daryl?
Daryl?
Come back.
No, I'm just eating a cheese sandwich.
Alice.
There she is.
- Welcome back.
- Thanks.
I've got something
that might cheer you up.
Turn to page 31.
Not only did somebody make the ratings,
somebody beat
the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.
And I just got a call
from KPXN San Bernardino.
They want you for a time-buy.
Congrats, Alice.
Thanks.
So, what's on for Monday?
I want to neuter a dog.
On TV?
- Deb's walking.
- Walking?
Quitting.
No, no, no, no.
Deborah.
She's a menace, Rich.
I can't believe
you're letting her come back.
Oh, wait, yeah. Of course I can.
'Cause you are a greedy twat.
She has a point.
Go have fun with your girlfriend.
I'm done.
Go home. I'll finish up with Alice.
- No, I mean really done.
- Go home, Gabe!
You like being a bully?
You seem a little tense, Gabriel.
Why don't you get married
and divorced again?
- She's rubbing off on you.
- You don't respect me.
You never have.
I want you to buy me out.
- Oh, you're so superior.
- I'll have Barb draw everything up.
Jesus.
I was a veterinary nurse for six years,
and assisted in hundreds
of these "pro-said-ures".
Once again the reckless copulation
of our animal kingdom
leaves us with a "tis-nammi"
of puppies and kitties.
Over the next few weeks,
I plan to neuter my own pets,
and any pets any viewers
would like to bring by the studio.
- It's a public service.
- As you can see,
Godzilla is receiving a mixture
of oxygen and isofluorine gas.
It's really important, as you know,
to remove all the hair
from the penis and walnuts
before we begin.
Let's castrate.
First cut is the deepest.
We're going to want to remove
the walnuts from the other tissue.
Now I'm going to tie it off
with the monofilament.
This is called a subcuticular suture.
And it's going to dissolve in case
the doggie licks the little wound.
If you have a dog that needs
to be neutered, please contact...
- How are you doing, George?
- I'm... need water.
We're doing a good thing.
Doing this all week.
Let's start with the easy stuff.
Here's what Gabe wants.
That's just hurtful. What about Landon?
- He's still on the fence.
- He's crackpot. Never hit him.
Not the point. If he decides
to sue, he will win.
What are you playing at here, Richard?
She wants to be televised.
She calls this guy "taker,"
said he was a "prostitute of the mind."
Accused this married mother of three
of stealing assorted cosmetic
products from her in 1991.
And the list just goes on and on and on.
- How much they all want?
- I'm not done.
The ASPCA is going to be here tomorrow
about what she's doing to those dogs.
- Okay. Thank you, Barb.
- Richard.
They're going to shut
your ass down, Richard.
- What's going on?
- I'll be brief.
No more neuterings, okay?
All this shit has got to go by tomorrow.
Take the fucking dogs out of here.
I can't house them anymore.
I can't do it. All right?
That's just health code stuff.
Does he know we're live?
Should I say something?
There are 31 lawsuits
filed against New Vibrance
from people you slandered on the air.
So you better get that pretty binder out
and make all these go away
or a lot of good hard working
non-psychotic people will lose their jobs.
If you hurt or come close to hurting
someone in my employ again,
you can find somewhere else to do
this nonsense. No discussion.
Also, stop screwing my brother.
That's probably best for everybody.
Have a fantastic show.
No, this is not the show!
Okay.
That's all for today.
Alice, you have another 40 minutes.
I'm done for today.
Can someone please get my dogs?
Let's get Alice her doggies.
And you heard the lady, that's a wrap.
Can I go home, too?
Come on, guys.
Where's my car?
- He's coming later.
- Why later?
- You finished up early today.
- Oh, yeah.
Hi, this is Gina.
I'm sorry I wasn't able...
Sorry I wasn't able to pick up the phone.
Please leave me a message.
I need to cancel my chauffeur today.
This whole week, actually.
- Room service.
- Leave it outside!
This next story is a perfect example
of true friendship.
Go away!
Hi, this is Gina. I'm sorry
I wasn't able to come to the phone.
And I explained this to you guys before,
and now I have
a thousand packets of protein
with... 32 grams of carbohydrants,
and... at 16 grams of straight glucose,
and I can't, yeah, I can't use that.
I want everybody, everybody in the audience
and all of you at home right now,
no matter what are you doing,
I want you to take a deep breath.
In and out. Thank you so much.
Again. In and out.
Just relax for the next hour.
Ms. Klieg, are you still there?
I'm all alone.
Please.
Please. I'm all alone.
I live in a casino.
Oh, thank God. Thank God.
Oh, gosh, you're the only
normal person I've seen.
Back on the happy pills.
Look out, world.
When do you get out?
24 hours.
I haven't talked to you
since the burn unit.
I've called you, like, a million times.
Look, it's better.
Aren't you happy to see me?
- Ted has the dogs.
- Oh, my God, I forgot.
As soon as they let you out, you need
to get them. He can't keep them.
Wait, you're leaving?
You're a terrible friend.
You only care about your own pain.
I'm sorry you hurt so bad,
but that doesn't mean other people
aren't vulnerable or sensitive.
And just because you made
a career out of it
doesn't mean that other people
don't have feelings.
You don't get to fucking cry right now.
I am crying right now.
I lost my job.
And I told, and you haven't
asked me once if I was okay
- or if I needed any help.
- I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry. If you want,
I can give you money.
I don't want money.
I just want my friend.
Gina, wait. Gina.
Fuck you for making me fat
on your stupid show.
What? That's all I have left?
When you win $86 million,
you don't actually get $86 million.
So, conservatively speaking,
that's all I have left.
That's a fortune. It's still a fortune.
If I were you, I would put this
in a safe place right away.
- It's in the bank.
- I mean to invest it. I will help you.
If you make a few smart choices,
you can have a very comfortable life.
Did you get our flowers?
Yes. They were very nice, thank you.
You feeling better?
Much. Yeah.
- Back on my meds.
- Oh, good.
So, what's on your mind?
I have six shows left,
but I want to do one long one.
- Well, we just assumed you were done.
- Almost.
What did you have in mind?
Something big.
Oh, we can do big.
Alice.
I know you're mad at me.
And I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
I accept your apology.
Okay.
I do hope for you, Alice.
I hope you have a good life.
Thanks.
Goodbye, Alice.
Can I come in?
Hey, Gina. It's me. I know
I'm not supposed to be calling you,
but I just wanted you to know
that I'm having one last final show
and I want... I would be honored
if you were there.
So...
please come. Please come.
Five, four, three, two.
Live, from beautiful
Palm Desert, California.
A special encore presentation
with your host, Alice Klieg.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you for tuning in
to Welcome to Me,
"The Legend of a Swan,
A Telethon for Change."
My name is Alice Klieg.
Hey, guys. You want
your balls back. I know.
There are a lot of things
I wish I could change, too.
I almost burnt my tits off,
and let a lot of people that I care about
feel like they weren't important to me.
I hurt a lot of American families,
but I'm learning.
And tonight, I'm going to make it right.
Anyone who adopts
any of these loving friends,
gets a year's worth
of dog food and treats,
a doggy bed, and a luxury travel crate.
Do we have the number
on the bottom of the screen, Dawn?
- Yes, we do, baby.
- Thank you, baby.
What's going on, Dawn?
Alice, if I'm not mistaken,
that's the Carousel of Life.
- That looks pretty damn good.
- It does.
Cue the turntable.
She's off to a really great start.
- Do we have Gina yet?
- No Gina.
There are so many things
to be thankful for.
But right now I would like
to express some gratitude
towards a certain artistic fellow.
Is Rainer Ybarra in the house?
I wanted to thank you
for calling me an artist,
because the moment you did,
so many lost years had meaning.
Could I just say something?
- No?
- You need to go back to your seat.
This is when I pretended to drown.
- She's going to be just fine.
- She really is.
And now I would like to honor a genuine
love-maker who I really care about.
Gabriel Ruskin, would you join me
by the Carousel of Life?
Once in a blue moon,
life gives you a one-way ticket
to that deep erotic play land
that only exists inside of us.
Shining captain on a sea of takers,
you docked in my port
and it wasn't even raining.
Go sit down.
- Still no Gina.
- Should we use a reenactor?
- Use a reenactor. Use a reenactor.
- Yeah.
Get Gina reenactor ready
for New Apartment 45 to the roll.
She's going to be devastated.
How are we doing in adoptions, Dawn?
Nothing yet, but the lines are open
and operators are standing by.
This is for Gina.
Well, I think your new apartment
is great, Alice.
I don't know if I can do this.
Maybe I should go back to the halfway house
where I have been living for most of 1996
after losing my job
at Palm Desert Animal Control.
You're ready to have
your own place, Alice.
I, Gina Selway, just know that you are.
It's almost as if you believe in me
more than I believe in myself.
I really do.
Hey, Grace, Miss Selway has arrived.
- Oh, my God, Gina's here.
- What!
I'd like to read
from a prepared statement.
"Dear Gina,
"thank you for being the only girl
who would speak to me in the sixth grade.
"Thank you for letting me sleep
holding on to you
"during that really bad period in 1989.
"Without you, I could never
have made it through my 20s,
"much less become a millionaire
and talk-show host.
"You are the kindest,
most patient person I know.
"I don't deserve a friend as loyal as you,
but I sure am lucky to have one.
"You could have given up on me
seven million times, but you didn't.
And for all those times, I would like
to present you with the following."
And we're out in ten,
nine, eight, seven, six,
five, four,
three, two, one.
You want me to stay?
You know, I think I'd better bond
with the beast.
Oh, I got you a present.
What am I supposed to do with this?
Anything you want.
Okay, I'm going to go ahead.
You go ahead, do your thing.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Okay.
Bye.
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It's the perfect pet
for someone special you know.
You have 16 new messages.
First new message.
Hey, booboo. Gina here.
Pick up the phone.
Pick up. Come on.
I just had the craziest phone conversation
with this telemarketer
- and he's kind of sexy.
- Next new message.
Hi, Alice. It's Daryl Moffet.
I just got off the phone with Greg
at Suncoast Pharmacy.
I had no idea you weren't picking up
your medication. Can you give me a call?
Your home is far less likely...
Everybody comes
to our beautiful planet Earth
and it is beautiful
if you saw our show on Friday
to do something great, something unique,
something that only you were born to do.
Only you can give.
So, what is your calling?
I definitely know what mine is.
This show is about helping
all of you who are watching us.
Think about and then figure out,
'cause that's your real job, to figure out
what is your calling,
and then begin to honor it.
Hundreds of people in this audience...
I'm going to have to check on her. Yeah.
I should... head out.
I'm... It was nice to meet you.
- Alice.
- Alice.
Take care, Alice.
- Who was that?
- I don't know.
She asked if there was a rape
in A Tale of Two Cities.
If maybe, well, one that's just for you.
Just a phone call, but hopefully
a new start for your friendships.
And hopefully those of you
who haven't made the call,
in six years, ten years, twelve,
will get the nerve from this show
to pick up the phone and reconnect.
Do that for yourself.
The California Stack Sweepstakes.
Hello, California.
Happy Independence Day.
I'm Helen Hardaway, and welcome
to the California Stack drawing.
Tonight, you need to pick
four or more numbers to win.
Get all eight numbers and you could win
or share tonight's jackpot
of $86 million.
And away we go.
Number 40,
23.
There's 37
followed by 14.
There's 57, 15.
And finally our bonus numbers
are... 54 and 39.
Lottery retailers will pay for prizes
up to one hundred...
Thanks for calling
the California Lottery.
If you're calling to report a winning,
just say "I'm a winner at any time."
Oops. I didn't catch that.
If you're calling to report a winning,
just say "I'm a winner at any time."
- I'm a winner.
- Oops. I didn't catch that.
If you're calling to report a winning,
just say "I'm a winner at any time."
- I'm a winner at any time.
- Congratulations. Please hold.
Yesterday was a very lucky day
for Alice Klieg,
a Palm Desert woman
who holds the winning ticket
for an $86 million California
Stack Sweepstakes payout.
Oh, my... That's my...
That's my friend! Oh, my God!
Thank you. Thank you.
I'd like to read
from a prepared statement.
I was a summer baby, born in the year
1971 in Simi Valley, California.
My mother was a nutritionist
and my father was a commercial baker.
And I've been using masturbation
as a sedative since 1991.
We're unable to show you the rest.
Yesterday was a...
They cut me off.
- Hello?
- What...
Hi, Ted. Alice, it's Ted.
He saw you on the news.
- They cut me off.
- Yeah, she's mad they cut her speech off.
- She sounds bad.
- She's about a 7.5 and climbing.
- You don't have to stay.
- Somebody has to stay.
- They cut me off.
- Okay. Later, tater.
Alice?
You hungry?
I'm going to take an iodine bath.
It's my new thing. I'm managing my moods
by living a high protein lifestyle.
What's going on with the Abilify?
I have a prepared statement.
Okay.
"Dear Daryl, it's been
a good run, Daryl,
"but as I will no longer be collecting
disability from the State of California,
"our visits are no longer mandatory.
"I appreciate everything
you have done for me,
"but as a new member
of the rich and famous,
I simply don't have time for the pain."
Well, I have something
I'd like to read, too.
"My dear Alice,
I would be happy to discuss the logistical
details of our new relationship,
"a relationship which gives me great pride
when I reflect on the ground
that we have covered.
"Since the psycho-pharmacological
value of string cheese in the treatment
"of borderline personality disorder is not,
to my knowledge, even in clinical trials,
"I would encourage you to reconsider
walking away from the good
and necessary work that we do."
Why did you stop your medication?
It's a new era.
Eighty-six million-dollar Alice.
Do you really want to stop seeing me?
No.
Yes.
No.
What do you want to do, Alice?
Something really big.
I'm moving today.
Nice.
Good.
If I paid you...
would you give me
a clean-bill health, mentally?
Thanks for choosing
our casino, Miss Klieg.
- So, how long do you plan on staying?
- Indefinitely.
Do you allow pets here?
Well, I'm sure we can work
something out.
- Do you have a dog?
- No.
What's the matter, sweetie?
Located at the beautiful
Palm Springs area.
Nothing.
What I'm suggesting,
is a more of a less idea.
A five-dollar tip for you.
Just ask Ted for a little advice,
small amount,
- about what to do with your money.
- I don't need any help, Mommy.
No hand? Oh, thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
- Sorry, Mom.
- It's all right.
Teddy.
- Welcome to my new home.
- This must be your Alice.
- This is Derick.
- Hi, it's so nice to fina... Okay.
This is... this is my best friend, Gina.
- I'm her Gina. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
Those two sour pussies
over there are my parents.
This is Derick, Ted's male lover.
Isn't that good?
- Hi, hi.
- Hi.
If it weren't for you,
I don't know what we would do.
- I always knew about Ted.
- What?
When we were married.
By the way he fucked me.
I get it.
So...
how does it feel to be a millionaire?
I have a prepared statement.
Prepared statement.
Okay.
Here's what I want to say.
Cause. Okay?
Effect. Okay?
"I want each of you
to understand that...
"you can have what I have right now
if you really believe it.
- You too can have a new life."
- New life.
New life.
"And as I begin my new life,
I must reflect on the love and inspiration
each of you has given me."
I love you, guys.
Shit, I didn't want to cry until the end.
A toast to Alice and her new life.
New life.
To my new life.
Let's hope.
I'm going to get shrimp.
...it's harvested in Ecuador,
where the locals call it La Madre
or The Mother.
Smoothies are such a great way
to load up on powerful nutrition.
Every single particle of Live Alchemy
contains coded blueprints
that actually rewrite your DNA.
So, who's ready for a new life?
This has been a live broadcast from the
headquarters of New Vibrance Studios.
If you're interested in being a member
of our studio audience,
please contact the number below.
Live for Palm Desert, California,
welcome to Live Alchemy.
You can't put yogurt
in waste baskets. Okay?
I know, but then, you can't just
let it be there. It's disgusting.
Good to see you.
Welcome to Live Alchemy.
I'm Gabe Ruskin.
Now, what if I were to tell you
one teaspoon of Live Alchemy
contains more usable protein
than a 16-ounce sirloin steak.
- Well, get ready to pan to the audience.
- It's true. What if I were to tell you...
...that in 100 years, our main source
of food would be algae?
Now.
I would believe it.
Hey, hey, wow. We got a live one.
And I wouldn't lie to you. Now...
We're all used to healthy food
tasting like dirt, right?
Frank, pull away please.
Right, I mean, it's really bad. Well...
I'd like to get a volunteer
from the audience
to come taste my chocolate amaretto
smoothie with Live Alchemy.
Who's curious?
No, no. Come on.
Not the crazy bitch. Gabe.
Who's game? You want to come up?
Right up here. Welcome. Yeah, it's good.
Thanks for being brave, yeah.
Very courageous of you.
Would you believe me?
Most people, they hear "algae"
and they say "yuck".
I'm not afraid of anything, Gabe.
Including success.
Oh, what's your name?
My name is Alice Klieg.
I watch you when I sleep.
What... what was that?
Is that so?
This is my second time on TV this week.
- Oh, your second time, really?
- Yes, Gabe.
I won the California Stack Sweepstakes.
Eighty-six million dollars.
I did a press conference that aired
on all of the stations in this area.
That's incredible. You are a lucky lady.
And we're lucky to have you here
to be our guinea pig to try...
- Winning has nothing to do with luck.
- It doesn't?
No. It's all mental training.
Dawn, what the hell?
Well, why don't you ask your brother?
He seems to be...
- Are we in control here or what?
- Not currently.
Oprah says that everything in our world
is created on a DNA level by what we think.
I thought I was a winner.
I won $86 million.
- All right, give me the word, Rich.
- Wait.
- That is just great.
- I didn't always think of myself as a winner.
When I was 16, I was diagnosed
with manic depression.
In my 20s, it was called
rapid cycling bipolar disorder.
Now it's just called
borderline personality disorder.
- Alice, maybe come back to your seat.
- No!
Now it's just called
borderline personality disorder.
Who can keep up?
For most of my life,
I let my diagnosis define who I was.
Big mistake.
At a certain point, I realized I had
to get back to me... before my illness.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my... Why are we following her?
I was a summer baby born in 1971
in Simi Valley, California.
And I've been using masturbation
as a sedative since 1991.
- We have to kill this, Rich.
- Okay, kill it.
- Kill it, please.
- My father was a commercial baker.
Introducing Essentis,
luxury hair care system
formulated with natural
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Do you think she really won the lottery?
Seriously. Can someone Google that?
What was her name?
Oh, my God. Gabe, that was the best
experience of my whole entire life.
You didn't have to buy me out.
I need the protein.
Hey.
You must be the big winner.
Hi, I'm Rich.
Me, too.
I'm Gabe's brother.
- So, you own all of this?
- Gabe and I sure do, yeah.
- I have an idea for a show.
- What kind of show?
How about this?
You want to come in tomorrow,
we'll sit down,
we have an official meeting,
and we can hear all about this show
of yours. I'm sure it's a knockout.
- Okay, yeah.
- Does that sound good?
- Yeah.
- Great.
It's a mindset, right?
Okay. I'll see you tomorrow.
Anything she wants.
Anything.
Okay.
You realize that's where we are, right?
It's that bad?
We run a company together.
Jesus Christ, where the hell are you?
- Wait. I thought we were doing okay.
- We were doing okay in the '90s.
Not so much now. We're going to have
to start laying people off again.
No, no.
So, they thought I had this virus
that only cats get,
but it turned out to just be IBS.
So I couldn't have any orgasms.
I was in the hospital for three weeks.
But I feel so much better now.
That is so great, Alice.
- Should I just bring it in?
- Sure.
Great. Pastrami's mine.
Why don't we get to your idea?
I want a talk show with me as the host.
Okay. Well, it wouldn't... be our
first foray into vanity programming.
That's true. Last year
we did that hobby show.
I think Alice wants
to take over for Oprah.
- Good deal.
- That's crazy.
So, you want to talk
about current events?
No.
A show with guests and do interviews?
No.
What kind of stuff
do you want to talk about?
Me.
I'm still not getting
what the show is going to be.
Let me, Deb.
Alice directing, shooting, editing,
sets, costume design,
- hair and makeup.
- Yeah. I want all that.
All these things add up to making,
creating your own show extremely expensive.
Yeah, particularly when you're not
offsetting those costs
with income from selling products.
- Are we talking about a half hour or...
- Two hours.
- How much would that cost?
- Two hours?
You're looking at $100,000 an episode.
I'd say more like 150.
And that times a hundred would be...
That's $15 million.
$15 million.
My business stuff.
Oh, and I want to come in
on a swan boat.
$15 million.
Guys, we're doing this.
$15 million.
- Yes. Come on, it'll be fun.
- Like a nervous breakdown is fun?
Dawn, everyone...
we do this show or we start
laying people off again.
Have you thought about how this
is going to affect the other brands?
Well, Live Alchemy hasn't turned
a profit in two and a half years.
Same with Viva Ceramica, San Tropez,
Neo Regenerative. Neo Regenerative
has never turned a profit.
- Neo Regenetif. It's French.
- Is that how you say it? Shut up.
Here's the deal. We are dead
in the water without this woman.
The almonds.
Leave the almonds on the floor.
I can clean them up after the session.
Would it make you feel better
if you were eating, too?
This eating is not working for me.
The food is distracting from the work.
I have to eat because
of my new relationship with glucose.
All right. You can have
a snack at five of two
and another one at 2:50.
Please stop eating in session.
So...
like Oprah, but with a swan boat.
Talk show.
Hosted by...
Me.
- Hosted by you.
- Yeah.
All right.
Well, how about a little recap?
In case you missed last week's episode
of the Alice Klieg Show...
That's not what it's called.
That's not the name of it.
You're off your meds,
you just spent $15 million,
you're living in a reservation casino,
and you're hosting your own talk show.
I thought I asked you not to eat.
It's a banana.
It's in its own container.
I come out... on the swan boat.
And then I talk about myself.
Is there a show that's kind of like
what you want your show to be?
Oprah.
So, maybe we should watch
some old Oprahs
and pay special attention
to how each show has a topic.
I have a topic.
- Which is?
- Me.
- What does that mean?
- You know, just what I love.
My hopes, my dreams. What I like to eat.
Who I think is a cunt. My spirituality.
Me.
We need to figure out
how to break this down into segments.
- This is going be live.
- Yeah, okay.
Well... we have regulating your moods
with a high protein lifestyle.
- I want to do a reenactment.
- About what?
- Jordana.
- Jordana who?
- Jordana Spangler.
- Who is Jordana Spangler?
A liar.
Donna Keever.
We'll be right with you.
Alice's. For the reenactments.
- Oh, right. Where is she?
- In the booth, recording her theme song.
You should hear these segment ideas.
- "Matching Colors to Emotions."
- Okay. What else?
"To Be a Woman." That one's a song.
Something called
"I Can Still Smell You."
"Lucky Foods", "You Got Everything,
I Got Nothing."
Can we please... talk about this?
Talk about what?
I don't feel great
about where this is going.
How do you feel
about where this is going?
I'm glad we got to do this.
I got work to do.
Poor sad eyes.
I miss being around dogs.
I'll take Godzilla over here.
Get in.
You want to talk camera?
That's the zoom. That's the focus.
Here's the pan.
Yeah? And the tilt.
And up here's the tally light.
When that's on, you know it's recording.
- Do you want to have dinner?
- I can't.
Can it be a work dinner?
Can it not be a work dinner?
It's just a restraining order.
It's not a big deal.
- Sounds like cops.
- It's real.
I can't go within 50 feet of her.
Or Souplantation.
I've been divorced twice.
Really?
Yeah.
Not twice. I mean three times.
I... I love too much.
It's not a good thing.
I have a swing over my bed.
I mean, I...
I used to... It's in the garage now.
Can I make an observation?
Sure.
I want you to fuck me so bad.
Hang over.
Hey.
I'm going in there, you guys.
Alice?
We need you in hair and makeup.
We're all very proud of you.
Me, too.
You are ready.
You are beautiful.
You are great.
- You are nice.
- In front of the... lips.
You are edible.
This is the best
I can do for you, honey.
- You should go now, Alice.
- Good luck.
- It's not about luck.
- Okay.
Thirty seconds to air.
Camera two to your mark.
Does anyone know where she is?
We need her in the bird.
- We need to get you in the bird.
- Okay, Grace has got her.
An Aeroknife,
no force or strength or pressure.
She's doing the best she can.
Do you have any questions?
Yeah, when people see me on TV, is my face
switched around or on the right side?
- You're going to look great.
- Thanks.
Have fun.
We go live in five, four, three.
Everybody, she is on her way.
From Palm Desert, California,
New Vibrance Studios,
it's Welcome To Me,
with your host, Alice Klieg.
She's doing a lot with her hands.
- What is she doing?
- I think she's a little frozen.
- Come on.
- Say something, Alice. Say something.
You're on TV now.
Hello. I'm Alice Klieg,
and Welcome To Me.
And so it begins.
Lose it. Twenty to the insert.
This morning I woke up and there was
a pubic hair on my pillow
shaped like a question mark.
And it really got me thinking
of unanswered questions.
Like all the times in my life when I was
supposed to feel something,
but I felt nothing.
And all the other times in my life
where I wasn't supposed to feel anything,
but I felt too much,
and the people around me weren't
really ready for all of my feelings.
How many episodes did she buy?
To me, it's worse than heroin.
Worse than any childhood
sexual abuse. You name it.
It wasn't until
I got off the sugar wheel
that I really took control
of my life for the first time.
Then I went off my meds.
Grape tomatoes. They're low glycemic...
Did you know that?
Ladies and gentlemen, meatloaf cake
with mashed sweet potato icing.
With only 433 calories,
52 grams of protein,
and only five carbohydrants.
I think I'm going to have a slice.
Is it carbohydrates or carbohydrants?
It's carbohydrates.
- What's the next piece?
- No, we're on this for a while.
Can Frank tell her to move it along?
No, this is what she wanted.
She wanted to...
She wanted to sit and eat
the cake for an hour?
Yes. Not an hour.
I think it's a good five minutes, though.
So good.
Sometimes I really wonder about people.
Whether they stop maturing emotionally
because of a traumatic event,
maybe a birth defect.
We may never know what twisted the soul
of the daughter of a California dentist,
and to the cruel and malicious
betrayer she became.
Come with me.
I want to show you something.
I'm going to ride my bike.
Come, tag along.
Your sandwich has Cheddar cheese,
also lettuce and some mayonnaise.
Good, good. That's what I want.
Now, in the manner of girls,
let's share some secrets. You start.
What a relief.
Now I can let my hair down.
And by hair I mean defense mechanisms.
And now that you feel safe,
you can tell me anything.
When I was 19, I went to live
with a minister and his family
as an exchange student.
One day we went to the zoo
and I saw a swan choke on a pretzel bite
before my very eyes.
You told everyone at school
I was borderline.
And when I asked you,
you denied telling anyone.
But every single person that I talked to
told me that you said I was.
Everything was different after that.
And it really hurt me.
Fuck you to death, Jordana.
Why did it end like that?
We have a few bumps to iron out.
Why does it look so inexpensive?
Well, Alice, we got you
up and running pretty quickly,
- so we're still trying to...
- And why doesn't it look like Oprah?
Because you ate a cake
made out of hamburger and started crying.
Oprah had the highest production
values in the business.
She had the best graphics,
the best lighting, sets, sound.
She had everything.
I'd like that.
This is all doable.
Oh, I want a new opening,
and a new Alice.
And I'd like more swans, too.
I can bring those from home.
Yeah. I want to talk to people.
You know, like Larry King.
- What was wrong with the girl who played you?
- She just wasn't me.
Can someone give me a lift?
Sure.
I don't even know
where to begin. Really.
Why don't we try to get the swans?
She has them at home.
She said she's bringing...
I'm not buying one fucking swan.
You left the TV on.
It's been on for 11 years.
I should have them
take you to the studio.
Thanks for driving me. This is my old house
from when I was a different person.
I see you... got everything by color.
Colors help me keep
my emotions separate.
Yeah, I can never keep
my emotions separate.
Have you ever done it in a bag?
No.
- Shall I take this off?
- No, no.
If you're embarrassed about your feet,
tired of tearing pantyhose,
or sick of messy scrapers that hurt,
then you need Ped Egg,
the number one selling ultimate way...
Good morning. My name is Alice Klieg,
and Welcome To Me.
Live from New Vibrance Studios
in Palm Desert, California,
it's Welcome To Me.
With your host, Alice Klieg.
That corn is pretty.
Let's get ready to track and dissolve.
Water. Thank you, baby.
No problem, baby.
It's all working for you.
And rotate set.
Come with me. Enjoy another time
that happened to me.
Big Bear, 1991.
Thief!
Keep going.
Buy your own makeup, Josie Gaston.
Yes.
Oh, my gosh.
Someone's been tampering
with my makeup bag.
Really loud. You have to yell. Yell it.
Someone!
Someone's been tampering
with my makeup bag!
- How in this world.
- How in this world!
Someone's been tampering
with my makeup... bag!
She's got problems.
I know, it's very upsetting.
I was very upset.
I cried for so many days.
You said Bill looked like a drug addict
and that he had no business
working around people.
- Her Mom is kicking her ass.
- But she's not paying attention, clearly.
You remember what you want to remember.
Now we're all paying attention.
Grape tomatoes. They're low glycemic
and full of phytonutrients.
- Alice?
- Yes, hi. Thanks for calling.
- I think you're a genius.
- You do?
Yeah. I attended
your last show, actually.
Godzilla, come here, come here.
Godzilla, come here.
- That's for menopause.
- I like it.
Why don't you get a titty-kini?
I look horrible in those.
What do you mean
you're not a bikini type?
You know. Bikini types. One piece types.
You got it all wrong, Gina.
If you want to wear a two-piece,
the decision lies with you.
And nobody has the right
to tell you otherwise.
Come on, love yourself.
I sure do.
This is the one I chose.
Nothing. Nothing.
There are two times in my life I've performed
oral sex on a man twice my age.
Jesus.
And that's when I found out
you were a hermaphrodite.
You're a liar, Jordana Spangler.
- You're on TV.
- I don't want to be on TV.
Everybody wants to be on TV.
Not everyone
is an emotional exhibitionist.
Good morning. My name is Alice Klieg,
and Welcome To Me.
Welcome To Me.
Welcome To Me. Me, me, me.
And Welcome To Me.
I knew if I bit him again,
he would beat me.
And I don't mean, like,
on Thanksgiving, you know,
like a sexy beating.
I mean like a real beating.
He would say, "That's just how we do things
in Gaithersburg, Maryland."
Like he was Mr. Big Man,
and he really wasn't.
I was a superior wrestler, even though
I didn't have the training he did.
I should let you know
that I tried to have you put
on psychiatric hold last week.
And what is that?
It means having you involuntarily
committed for an observation period.
- Well, thank you.
- You're welcome.
I'm very worried about you.
I feel like you are
a danger to yourself.
Maybe I'm not what you think I am.
I'm going to read a list of symptoms
common to people getting off of Abilify.
Tell me if you are experiencing
any of this, okay?
Do you have anything to say
before you are sentenced?
I am innocent.
But your wantonness and perversion
have threatened the sanctity of Canada.
But I never asked for these or this.
Alice Klieg, you are found guilty.
Guilty, guilty.
No.
Mama.
It's so dark. Mama. I can see
the pommel horse, mama.
Yeah, yeah, I got Alice.
Yeah, copy that.
Miss Klieg.
- Who are you?
- Hi. I'm Rainer.
- I actually called during your last show.
- I remember.
Yeah. I just want to say I thought
this was, like, your best show yet.
- Really?
- Yeah, you should do five shows a week.
- I hate waiting.
- Like Oprah.
Yeah, I don't know.
I'm writing this paper about you,
about your invention
of the narrative infomercial,
and I was wondering if maybe
you would want to be interviewed.
- Okay.
- Yeah?
Same stuff here.
- Hey, Alice.
- Guess what.
They picked up my show
for five days a week.
Wow, that's great.
And I'm recording my song
with a European orchestra,
and they're studying me in school.
This grad student came to my show.
He was wearing a tuxedo.
That's... so great, Alice.
It just, you know, for the record,
I just want to say that I don't...
I don't like bikinis.
It's not that I think that I'm fat
or anything. I just I don't...
- They're ready to start.
- You know what? I got to go.
- Sorry, I'm at work.
- Okay.
Cindy Sherman.
Yeah, from Laverne and Shirley?
No, no. She's a photographer.
Man, the fact that you don't know
who she is,
makes you, like, 75 million times
more radical than you already are.
- Do you mind if I...
- No. Not at all.
I love your facial expressions.
Well, thank you.
I've never been interviewed before.
- Well, yeah, cheers.
- Congratulations.
- Oh, is it not good?
- I don't drink.
Cool. So, I'm interviewing you
for this class that I'm in right now
called Memoir in Performance,
- and when I saw your reenactments...
- I love you.
I love the way that you play with gender
and race and time
and perception in your work.
I'm just wondering, what's behind
the color-blind casting for you?
Oh, you mean the skier in "Someone's
been tampering with my makeup bag?"
- Yeah.
- She was the prettiest that day.
I was prettier back then.
Do you think I'm pretty now?
- That's what you said.
- I said...
It's got 170,000 hits already.
- How did you know I was on here?
- I'm monitoring your web presence.
You've got some copycats, too.
But they're not you.
I don't feel so good.
You're not supposed to swallow it.
Am I supposed to swallow you?
Alice.
Oh, my God.
Birth.
Purpose.
Destiny.
Intention.
Oprah Winfrey.
From the early days of television,
there has been an unbroken line of sharing,
showing, and growing.
Thank you for choosing Welcome To Me.
Fasten your safety belts
and prepare for take-off.
And now, your host, Alice Klieg.
Alice? Are you still there?
- Yeah, I'm here.
- I hear... noises in the background there.
- Oh, I'm at the airport.
- Where are you flying to?
Oh, I'm not. I just...
I had to mail something.
Okay.
So, are you planning on seeing...
- his name...
- Rainer?
Are you s... Are you planning
on seeing Rainer again?
Hello?
- I want you to know I'm not mad at you anymore.
- About what?
Remember the other day
when you yelled at me?
Alice, please reconsider
getting back on your regimen.
If it's a dosage thing,
we can figure it out, make adjustments.
Okay, our time is up.
We've got red kidney beans, ground beef,
low sugar tomato sauce,
herbs and spices,
bringing us in at only nine grams
of carbohydrants per serving.
Now, that's a low glycemic meal.
- Dawn? Frank? Can you see this?
- Not really, Alice.
Why don't you bring it on down
so the audience can take a look?
- Good idea, baby.
- No problem, baby.
Oh, my God, I'm burning.
- Oh, my God. I'm burning.
- Grace, go help her get that off.
Oh, my... Get away from me.
How did this happen? Help me!
Whose job is this? Help me! Gabe!
- You should try Gabe again.
- I'll try him in a little bit.
- Did you tell him I'm in the burn unit?
- Yeah, I already did.
Will it be a lot of damage?
Only second-degree burns.
Why did this happen to me?
Lady Gym is closing.
Do you think I should sue the station?
I lost my job.
You'll find one.
I can't feel my tits.
Oh, don't go. Please.
I got to get a few hours sleep
or I'll be useless tomorrow.
I have four interviews lined up.
Okay.
Can someone please
turn my fucking TV on?
- You didn't answer the front door.
- That's right, I didn't.
I saw the show.
Which one?
The one that I was on.
- I should've let you know.
- Yes, you should have.
Where are you going?
These are all well respected doctors,
a couple of whom I know personally.
They'd be happy to consider
taking you on as a patient.
- You're firing me?
- I'm not firing you.
I'm seeing to my own safety.
You should try it.
Daryl?
Daryl?
Come back.
No, I'm just eating a cheese sandwich.
Alice.
There she is.
- Welcome back.
- Thanks.
I've got something
that might cheer you up.
Turn to page 31.
Not only did somebody make the ratings,
somebody beat
the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.
And I just got a call
from KPXN San Bernardino.
They want you for a time-buy.
Congrats, Alice.
Thanks.
So, what's on for Monday?
I want to neuter a dog.
On TV?
- Deb's walking.
- Walking?
Quitting.
No, no, no, no.
Deborah.
She's a menace, Rich.
I can't believe
you're letting her come back.
Oh, wait, yeah. Of course I can.
'Cause you are a greedy twat.
She has a point.
Go have fun with your girlfriend.
I'm done.
Go home. I'll finish up with Alice.
- No, I mean really done.
- Go home, Gabe!
You like being a bully?
You seem a little tense, Gabriel.
Why don't you get married
and divorced again?
- She's rubbing off on you.
- You don't respect me.
You never have.
I want you to buy me out.
- Oh, you're so superior.
- I'll have Barb draw everything up.
Jesus.
I was a veterinary nurse for six years,
and assisted in hundreds
of these "pro-said-ures".
Once again the reckless copulation
of our animal kingdom
leaves us with a "tis-nammi"
of puppies and kitties.
Over the next few weeks,
I plan to neuter my own pets,
and any pets any viewers
would like to bring by the studio.
- It's a public service.
- As you can see,
Godzilla is receiving a mixture
of oxygen and isofluorine gas.
It's really important, as you know,
to remove all the hair
from the penis and walnuts
before we begin.
Let's castrate.
First cut is the deepest.
We're going to want to remove
the walnuts from the other tissue.
Now I'm going to tie it off
with the monofilament.
This is called a subcuticular suture.
And it's going to dissolve in case
the doggie licks the little wound.
If you have a dog that needs
to be neutered, please contact...
- How are you doing, George?
- I'm... need water.
We're doing a good thing.
Doing this all week.
Let's start with the easy stuff.
Here's what Gabe wants.
That's just hurtful. What about Landon?
- He's still on the fence.
- He's crackpot. Never hit him.
Not the point. If he decides
to sue, he will win.
What are you playing at here, Richard?
She wants to be televised.
She calls this guy "taker,"
said he was a "prostitute of the mind."
Accused this married mother of three
of stealing assorted cosmetic
products from her in 1991.
And the list just goes on and on and on.
- How much they all want?
- I'm not done.
The ASPCA is going to be here tomorrow
about what she's doing to those dogs.
- Okay. Thank you, Barb.
- Richard.
They're going to shut
your ass down, Richard.
- What's going on?
- I'll be brief.
No more neuterings, okay?
All this shit has got to go by tomorrow.
Take the fucking dogs out of here.
I can't house them anymore.
I can't do it. All right?
That's just health code stuff.
Does he know we're live?
Should I say something?
There are 31 lawsuits
filed against New Vibrance
from people you slandered on the air.
So you better get that pretty binder out
and make all these go away
or a lot of good hard working
non-psychotic people will lose their jobs.
If you hurt or come close to hurting
someone in my employ again,
you can find somewhere else to do
this nonsense. No discussion.
Also, stop screwing my brother.
That's probably best for everybody.
Have a fantastic show.
No, this is not the show!
Okay.
That's all for today.
Alice, you have another 40 minutes.
I'm done for today.
Can someone please get my dogs?
Let's get Alice her doggies.
And you heard the lady, that's a wrap.
Can I go home, too?
Come on, guys.
Where's my car?
- He's coming later.
- Why later?
- You finished up early today.
- Oh, yeah.
Hi, this is Gina.
I'm sorry I wasn't able...
Sorry I wasn't able to pick up the phone.
Please leave me a message.
I need to cancel my chauffeur today.
This whole week, actually.
- Room service.
- Leave it outside!
This next story is a perfect example
of true friendship.
Go away!
Hi, this is Gina. I'm sorry
I wasn't able to come to the phone.
And I explained this to you guys before,
and now I have
a thousand packets of protein
with... 32 grams of carbohydrants,
and... at 16 grams of straight glucose,
and I can't, yeah, I can't use that.
I want everybody, everybody in the audience
and all of you at home right now,
no matter what are you doing,
I want you to take a deep breath.
In and out. Thank you so much.
Again. In and out.
Just relax for the next hour.
Ms. Klieg, are you still there?
I'm all alone.
Please.
Please. I'm all alone.
I live in a casino.
Oh, thank God. Thank God.
Oh, gosh, you're the only
normal person I've seen.
Back on the happy pills.
Look out, world.
When do you get out?
24 hours.
I haven't talked to you
since the burn unit.
I've called you, like, a million times.
Look, it's better.
Aren't you happy to see me?
- Ted has the dogs.
- Oh, my God, I forgot.
As soon as they let you out, you need
to get them. He can't keep them.
Wait, you're leaving?
You're a terrible friend.
You only care about your own pain.
I'm sorry you hurt so bad,
but that doesn't mean other people
aren't vulnerable or sensitive.
And just because you made
a career out of it
doesn't mean that other people
don't have feelings.
You don't get to fucking cry right now.
I am crying right now.
I lost my job.
And I told, and you haven't
asked me once if I was okay
- or if I needed any help.
- I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry. If you want,
I can give you money.
I don't want money.
I just want my friend.
Gina, wait. Gina.
Fuck you for making me fat
on your stupid show.
What? That's all I have left?
When you win $86 million,
you don't actually get $86 million.
So, conservatively speaking,
that's all I have left.
That's a fortune. It's still a fortune.
If I were you, I would put this
in a safe place right away.
- It's in the bank.
- I mean to invest it. I will help you.
If you make a few smart choices,
you can have a very comfortable life.
Did you get our flowers?
Yes. They were very nice, thank you.
You feeling better?
Much. Yeah.
- Back on my meds.
- Oh, good.
So, what's on your mind?
I have six shows left,
but I want to do one long one.
- Well, we just assumed you were done.
- Almost.
What did you have in mind?
Something big.
Oh, we can do big.
Alice.
I know you're mad at me.
And I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
I accept your apology.
Okay.
I do hope for you, Alice.
I hope you have a good life.
Thanks.
Goodbye, Alice.
Can I come in?
Hey, Gina. It's me. I know
I'm not supposed to be calling you,
but I just wanted you to know
that I'm having one last final show
and I want... I would be honored
if you were there.
So...
please come. Please come.
Five, four, three, two.
Live, from beautiful
Palm Desert, California.
A special encore presentation
with your host, Alice Klieg.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you for tuning in
to Welcome to Me,
"The Legend of a Swan,
A Telethon for Change."
My name is Alice Klieg.
Hey, guys. You want
your balls back. I know.
There are a lot of things
I wish I could change, too.
I almost burnt my tits off,
and let a lot of people that I care about
feel like they weren't important to me.
I hurt a lot of American families,
but I'm learning.
And tonight, I'm going to make it right.
Anyone who adopts
any of these loving friends,
gets a year's worth
of dog food and treats,
a doggy bed, and a luxury travel crate.
Do we have the number
on the bottom of the screen, Dawn?
- Yes, we do, baby.
- Thank you, baby.
What's going on, Dawn?
Alice, if I'm not mistaken,
that's the Carousel of Life.
- That looks pretty damn good.
- It does.
Cue the turntable.
She's off to a really great start.
- Do we have Gina yet?
- No Gina.
There are so many things
to be thankful for.
But right now I would like
to express some gratitude
towards a certain artistic fellow.
Is Rainer Ybarra in the house?
I wanted to thank you
for calling me an artist,
because the moment you did,
so many lost years had meaning.
Could I just say something?
- No?
- You need to go back to your seat.
This is when I pretended to drown.
- She's going to be just fine.
- She really is.
And now I would like to honor a genuine
love-maker who I really care about.
Gabriel Ruskin, would you join me
by the Carousel of Life?
Once in a blue moon,
life gives you a one-way ticket
to that deep erotic play land
that only exists inside of us.
Shining captain on a sea of takers,
you docked in my port
and it wasn't even raining.
Go sit down.
- Still no Gina.
- Should we use a reenactor?
- Use a reenactor. Use a reenactor.
- Yeah.
Get Gina reenactor ready
for New Apartment 45 to the roll.
She's going to be devastated.
How are we doing in adoptions, Dawn?
Nothing yet, but the lines are open
and operators are standing by.
This is for Gina.
Well, I think your new apartment
is great, Alice.
I don't know if I can do this.
Maybe I should go back to the halfway house
where I have been living for most of 1996
after losing my job
at Palm Desert Animal Control.
You're ready to have
your own place, Alice.
I, Gina Selway, just know that you are.
It's almost as if you believe in me
more than I believe in myself.
I really do.
Hey, Grace, Miss Selway has arrived.
- Oh, my God, Gina's here.
- What!
I'd like to read
from a prepared statement.
"Dear Gina,
"thank you for being the only girl
who would speak to me in the sixth grade.
"Thank you for letting me sleep
holding on to you
"during that really bad period in 1989.
"Without you, I could never
have made it through my 20s,
"much less become a millionaire
and talk-show host.
"You are the kindest,
most patient person I know.
"I don't deserve a friend as loyal as you,
but I sure am lucky to have one.
"You could have given up on me
seven million times, but you didn't.
And for all those times, I would like
to present you with the following."
And we're out in ten,
nine, eight, seven, six,
five, four,
three, two, one.
You want me to stay?
You know, I think I'd better bond
with the beast.
Oh, I got you a present.
What am I supposed to do with this?
Anything you want.
Okay, I'm going to go ahead.
You go ahead, do your thing.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Okay.
Bye.