We're the Millers (2013) Movie Script

It's full-on double rainbow
all the way across the sky!
Whoa!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh! Oh, my God!
Whoo!
What does this mean?
It's so bright.
Oh, my God, it's so
bright and vivid.
It's starting to look
like a triple rainbow.
Oh!
Going streaking
across the quad!
(MAN LAUGHING)
MAN: Coochie, coochie, coochie!
(GIRLS LAUGHING)
David: Yeah. No, I know. Uh-huh.
No, I'm not. I'm not. No,
I'm paying attention.
Mom, I'm listening. Just talk.
- Tyrone.
- Are you going trick-or-treating?
- No, because...
- Pow!
(BUZZES)
(INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE)
(BABY SPITS UP)
(BABY CRYING)
(INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE)
I'm in the car. I'm
literally in the car.
David, hey. David Clark.
Rick Nathanson.
Uh, I'm sorry.
Little Ricky. We went
to college together.
Oh, shit. Hey, dude.
We all took ecstasy at Dave Matthews
one time and I tried to kiss you.
That's right. I remember that.
Yeah.
Yeah. "Crash. "
Yup.
Wow. I didn't recognize you.
You look very different.
I've gained a little
bit of Daddy weight.
You know the drill.
Actually, I don't, no.
- No way. No way! Still a free agent.
- Mm.
You son of a bitch! You
lucky son of a bitch.
You lucky, lucky son of a bitch.
Wow, that's amazing. Wow.
Here. For old times' sake, huh?
For Daddy stress.
You're still dealing weed?
Best in Denver.
That's fucking awesome.
Oh, my God.
That is so cool.
- You're still at it.
- Yeah.
- I envy you, man. I do.
- Ah.
Look at you. No wife, no kids.
- No responsibilities.
- Mm-hm.
Pfft, nothing. You got nothing.
You could disappear tomorrow
and who'd even know?
- Oh, what I wouldn't give.
- Yeah.
Oh, hey, I didn't mean
that in like, I mean...
No. It's all right. It doesn't bother me.
It's all right.
- Great seeing you.
- Great seeing you.
Okay, bud, I believe in you.
- Hey, David?
- Yeah?
- Facebook me. We'll get weird.
- I don't think so.
- Ha, ha! Get out of here.
- Good luck with the family.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Oh, fuck. Fuck me. Fuck.
Hey, great news.
We're gonna get high
and fuck tonight.
I'm sorry, honey. Put
Mommy on the phone, okay?
(CAR ENGINE STARTS)
(NATALIA KILLS' "PROBLEM"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)
I'm-a take my skin',
boot, rings All off.
Skirt, boots, rings All off.
Ooh, baby, you so bad,
boy Drive me mad, boy.
You don't care what
they Say about me.
Girl is a problem Girl
is a problem, problem.
Wow.
- You dance super good.
- Thanks.
I'm Kymberly. With a Y.
(CHUCKLES)
I'm Rose. With an R.
Is that your stage name?
- My what?
- Your stage name.
To protect yourself from the creeps
out there. You should pick one.
You know, something simple but
sexy and cute and short, maybe.
- Do you have a nickname?
- Totally!
Great. Use that, because...
I even got a tattoo of it.
Do you wanna see?
Uh, well, n...
KYMBERLY: Check it out.
Rose: "Boner Garage. " Oh, whoa.
You got a little
arrow there even.
Is that not like the hottest?
Boner Garage, you're up.
Oh, look at that. So excited and
full of life. That'll fade.
Hey, Rose. I know you're "technically" on
break, but I need a lap dance. Table five.
Just don't get too close.
The guy has two hook hands.
(SIGHS)
How did we let that
guy back in here?
Must have picked the locks.
Ha, ha!
(SIGHS)
How was work this evening?
Rose: What do you care?
I'm just asking.
Rose: Oh, just don't.
Fine. Well, is your
dummy boyfriend around?
No. Jimmy's with his parents.
Why?
Well, because Jimmy still
owes me 400 bucks, so...
Maybe you shouldn't
loan drugs to people.
- All right. Good tip.
- Mm-hm.
I was thinking is that maybe you
could help him out, settle his debt.
- Not a fucking chance.
- You'd be doing me a solid, neighbor.
Oh, really? Neighbor?
You're not a neighbor.
You're a drug dealer whose apartment
smells like cheese and feet.
Mm. Yeah, it's a candle I
got from Anthropologie.
Cheesy Feet. That's what they call it.
It's a bestseller.
Oh, Rose, got a piece
of your mail here.
I'd lend you some money,
but we're not neighbors.
Oh, you're such a dick!
Have fun dying alone, jerk.
Have fun digging out the
singles from your crotch.
Rose: My crotch only
takes 20s, David.
Hey, David.
- Hi, Kenny.
- I heard you and Mrs. O'Reilly fighting.
It's called flirting, Kenny.
You'll learn about it in college.
What are you doing up? It's almost 2.
Where's your Mom?
- Uh, she went for a drink. With a friend.
- When?
Last week.
Uh, so I got the whole
place to myself.
Yeah. Rolling Han
Solo for the weekend.
David: Mm-hm.
Um, speaking of rolling,
I was wondering if...
- I don't sell to kids, Kenny.
- I'm 18. I'm gonna get my own place soon.
Not a kid, David.
Yeah, you are. Take care.
Casey: Give me my fucking phone.
- You guys are such assholes. MAN 1:
- Hey, baby.
Leave her alone.
MAN 1: Oh, I'm sorry, baby.
Kenny: Unhand her.
Hey, leave her alone.
(GRUNTS)
Goddamn it, Kenny.
- Fucking tough guy Huh? MAN 2:
- You don't have to...
David: Hey! Hey, hey, hey.
Easy, easy. What's
going on here?
- Mind your fucking business, old man.
- Oh, my God. You're a dude. Ha, ha!
That scared me. Your voice was so
much deeper than your bone structure.
These assholes are trying
to steal my iPhone.
You have an iPhone?
Aren't you homeless?
So? Fuck you, dude.
Okay, this was fun. Carry on.
- Come on, let's go.
- What? No.
These guys are picking on
her and it's not fair.
What you gonna do, white boy?
You some type of hero?
Not a hero. He's a dumb kid.
I got an idea. Leave the girl alone.
Just move along. Huh, what do you say?
- "Move along"? David: - Yeah.
What are you,
some kind of cop?
He's not a cop. He's
actually really cool.
- Thanks.
- He's a drug dealer.
- Really?
- Goddamn it, Kenny.
Give me your backpack.
I don't wanna fight.
Well, there's not gonna be a fight.
See, you either give me the backpack...
...or I'm gonna stab you
in the neck and take it.
(WHISTLES)
It's a real Sophie's choice here, huh?
All right.
Okay, backpack it is.
If you wa...
Run, Kenny!
MAN 1: You're dead meat!
Hey, sorry, I dropped my phone. Are
we still going out tonight or what?
Fucking shit! Shit!
(MAN 2 LAUGHS)
Oh, shit.
Sorry. This is fucking dumb.
(GROANS)
MAN 1: Whoa-ho-ho, motherfucker.
- We got you now.
- Unh!
MAN 1: Do whatever's in the safe too.
MAN 2: Look at that.
David: It's not even my money. If
you take that my boss will kill me.
Kenny: You okay, David? I can help.
I'll call the cops.
No, I'm okay.
(CELL PHONE BUZZING)
David: Hey!
Whoa, what the...! Unh!
MAN: When Mr. Brad calls, you answer!
Get in there!
David: Please don't tell me where
we're going. I love surprises.
- All right. Okay.
- Can I help you?
David: Hi. You ordered
two black guys.
Oh. Okay. This guy.
No. David Clark here to see
Mr. Gurdlinger, please?
I'll tell him you're here.
Can I get you something?
Coffee. Tea. Fresca.
David: Hmm.
You know what, a Fresca
sounds really good.
- You got it. David:
- Appreciate it.
Hold on one second. You guys
want anything? It's on me.
Replenishes electrolytes.
Don't want you cramping up
when you jerk each other off.
Nice meeting you.
Easy.
Easy. Oof!
Okay. I'm gonna hang out
here if that's all right.
Oh, thank you for that.
That's very helpful.
Oh! David Clark.
You're a hard man to find.
Take it easy on the plastic.
Whoa, Brad, what
the fuck is this?
Look, man, I was gonna call you back.
Do not kill me.
- I got robbed, okay. I swear. Brad:
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you...? What...?
Oh, the plastic?
Yeah, the plastic.
I've seen Dexter.
Buddy, I'm putting in a new
skylight, you idiot. Ha, ha.
You should have seen your face just now.
You shit a brick.
Well, what am I
supposed to think, man?
You've got these thugs throwing
a bag over my head. Come on.
I'm sorry about that. I
didn't mean to freak you out.
- It's fine.
- You do know I've killed people though?
Yeah, Brad, I know.
Ha-ha. All right, have a seat.
David: Whoa, what
the fuck is that?
What? Oh, my orca? Yeah,
I bought an orca.
(SIGHS)
I make a lot of money.
David: So you bought a whale?
Well, I don't like sports cars.
- Yeah, yeah.
- So where's my money, David?
Come on, man. We go back.
We do go back. But it's
not college anymore.
We're not selling lids
out of my dorm room.
And you owe me $43,000.
I told you, I got robbed, Brad.
They took everything I had, man.
This week's drop, 22 grand of my
money that I'd saved. I'm fucked.
Listen, this is a fucked-up situation. But
I might have a win-win for both of us.
- Great.
- I have a smidge of very choice...
...mari-ju-Ana down in Mexico...
...and I need it here
by Sunday night.
My regular courier is out
because he got gunned down.
That's where you come in.
You could be my mule. I
need someone I can trust.
Go to Mexico, bring it back by Sunday
night, not only will I forgive your debt...
...I will pay you a standard
courier fee of $100,000.
You're gonna give me 100 grand to
move a smidge across the border?
Smidge and a half. It's nothing.
Dude, I got rolled by the
fucking cast of Annie.
I come walking in here and you ask me
to be an international drug dealer.
This is easy money, David. All you
gotta do is pop down to Mexico...
...go to this address, tell them you're
there to pick up for Pablo Chacon.
- Who the fuck is Pablo Chacon?
- I am.
(SPEAKS IN SPANISH
THEN CHUCKLES)
You don't get respect from Mexicans when
your name is Brad Gurdlinger, right?
I mean, that's white in any language. See?
Big Bad Brad thought of everything.
I don't know. I don't think so, man.
This is way out of my league.
It's a federal crime.
If I try to cross the border with more
than a pound, you're talking like, um...
Twenty-five years in Mexican prison.
If you get a happy judge.
Yeah. Jeez. Not good.
- Although, you're forgetting one thing.
- What?
You don't have a fucking choice.
Kenny: So now you're gonna become
an even bigger drug dealer?
Drug smuggler, Kenny.
There's a difference.
You're probably gonna get
searched at the border.
No offense, you look like
a total drug dealer.
- No shit. Thanks, dude.
- You could wear a disguise.
- What?
- A disguise.
That's what I thought.
A disguise.
I dress up. What's the hot
Halloween outfit these days?
Bane from Batman? Someone like that?
Wear something over my face?
(AS BANE) There's no drugs in here.
You've got nothing to worry about.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Great idea.
(HORN HONKING)
Hey, pardon me. Hi.
Hate to bug you, but I'm trying to get the
fam to the zoo and I'm lost as all heck.
Fuck off, real-life Flanders.
It's my fault. When it comes to reading
maps, I sure can be an old flibbertigibbet.
(WOMAN CHUCKLES)
Hey. No parking here, sir.
Perfect. Fucking tourists.
Oh, jeez. I'm awful
sorry, officer.
I don't know which way
is up around here.
No problem. Our city can
get confusing sometimes.
MAN: Trying to find
our way to the zoo.
It's two blocks up that way,
take a left, two blocks...
Holy fucking shit.
Thank you, dickheads.
(OVER SPEAKERS) Hey little
lady, don't you say maybe.
Rose, the guy at the bar
asked for you by name.
Treat him nice.
Baby, I'ma show you how to.
MAN: Yeah!
Hi. I'm Rose.
- Hi. Hi.
- What...? Oh, please. No.
- No, Rose. Hey, Rose, Rose.
- No, no, no, no.
- Please. Listen to me.
- Duh, duh, duh, duh.
Ch-ch-ch-chuh.
You asshole.
Don't worry. You don't have to
get naked and all that stuff.
- Unless you want to, you know. Oof!
- Mm-hm.
- Fuck.
- What do you want?
How would you like to spend 4th
of July weekend making 10 grand?
- What?
- Rose, listen.
All I'm asking is that you
go to Mexico with me.
All right? And then we drive
home together in an RV.
Rose: Mm-hm.
- And that RV has some pot in it.
- Drug dealing?
No, it's not drug dealing. It's not.
No, it's smuggling.
- Are you out of your mind?
- Rose, listen to me.
Now, me crossing the border by myself,
huge red flag. Huge, all right?
But families, they don't
get a second look.
So, Rose, I need
you to be my wife.
That is the dumbest
thing I've ever heard.
Look, Rose, 10,000 bucks, and
your flight's already paid for.
You can't buy me.
I'm not buying you, all right?
I'm renting you.
Rose: Hmm.
Like Pretty Woman.
Pretty Woman? She
was a prostitute.
And I don't trust you.
- What did she say?
- What the fuck do you think? She said no.
Cool. So I guess it's just us, then.
A little
father and son bonding
trip to Mexico.
Are you kidding? You and me alone in a van?
It'll look like the pervert Olympics.
No way. Absolutely not.
No, we need a girl.
And unless you can think of someone that
can leave town tomorrow, I'm fucked.
I know a girl.
I don't get it.
What's in it for me?
I'm thinking a roof over your head, some
actual hot food. That'd be good enough.
I'm thinking 1000.
Fine, 1000 bucks, but that's it.
Great. And if we get caught I'll say
you drugged and kidnapped me. Cool?
Yeah, it's cool. Yeah, that's fine.
But that's it.
Kenny, meet your new sister.
This is great. I've
always wanted a sister.
- Get it off me. Get it off! Get off!
- Hey, come on. Let go.
- Come on. We gotta clean you up.
- What's wrong with you?
- Don't say that.
- I didn't mean to make her uncomfortable.
(OVER SPEAKERS) Wild child.
MAN: Boner Garage!
Going all out Going for broke.
Oh, great. Rose, I'm
glad I caught you.
I wanted to go over a couple
of minor policy changes...
- ... that we have here at the club.
- Like what?
Todd: Like, I want you to start having
sex with the customers for money.
What? That's totally
illegal, Todd.
Come on, what are you gonna do?
I gotta stay competitive with those
fuckers who opened up across the street.
You mean the Apple Store?
Yeah, and they're killing us.
Oh, God.
That's it. I can't do it.
I quit.
Did you hear the good news?
Now we get to fuck the
customers for money.
- Wha...?
- Boner Garage loves it.
I'm out of here. I am out of here.
I quit.
Fuck.
Fuck.
(SIGHS)
(GROANS)
So, Casey, I guess it's nice
for you to get your hair cut.
Being homeless and all...
I'm not homeless, fucktard. I have a home.
But I left because my parent...
Shut up, okay? Please. I don't need to
hear your hard-luck backstory right now.
I rented Precious on Netflix eight months
ago and I still haven't watched the thing.
Here. You know what?
Just give me a little peace and quiet
and buy yourself some new clothes.
You know, the kind of stuff that loved
children wear. Not this garbage.
All right? Thank you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop.
You're fine. You already
like a total dipshit.
Here. You're gonna need it. You
look like Eminem from 8 Mile.
(CHUCKLES)
Go with her. Make sure
she doesn't steal it.
And stay the fuck
out of Hot Topic.
WOMAN: David Clark?
Okay, what are we doing today?
Yeah, I say, give me
something that says:
"I get up every morning at 5:30 and
commute for an hour to a bullshit job... "
...where my boss expects me
to kiss his balls all day...
...so I can afford to
keep my ungrateful
kids decked out in Dora
the Explorer shit...
...and my wife up to her fat
ass in self-help videos...
"... until the day I get the courage
to put a shotgun in my mouth. "
(MAN CLEARS THROAT)
Right here.
Yeah. That's it. That's the one.
All right.
Get a full body check.
(BEEPS)
(BEEPS)
Sorry.
Hi, you folks have
everything you need?
Oh, you betcha!
Yeah, we're heading out on a family vacay
here, you know? Off to see grandma, huh?
Well, you have a lovely family.
Oh, thank you very much. Yeah, this
is my son, Kenny Miller, right here.
- And my lovely daughter...
- Casey?
Casey. Casey Miller, that's right.
And I'm David Miller.
We're the Millers.
Yeah, now, you know, I got my hands
full here. Couple of kooky teenagers.
Yeah, I'm going through all those
typical teenage girl issues like:
Finals and college
applications...
...and am I gonna
get asked to prom.
Plus, I haven't gotten my
period in two months...
...which is really weird because
I've mostly just been doing anal.
(KENNY COUGHS)
Ha-ha-ha! Oh, that's enough.
Well, thank you for
your help, "Natalie. "
Take your seats, please.
You fucking kidding me?
Rose: I'm good. I got it.
Right over here. Thanks.
Thank you. Sorry.
- Honey! Hi! You made it!
- Mm-hm. Eat a dick.
- Sorry, sorry. Okay.
- Mm-mm.
- Wow, you look really, like...
- Don't. Just don't, all right?
Hi, Mom.
- Jesus. David: Mm-hm.
And who's that?
Well, that's your daughter.
Casey.
Hey.
Rose: Mm-hm.
I want 30,000 now.
- No fucking way.
- Okay. Have a safe flight.
What? No. Okay. Fine!
Fine. Bloodsucker.
Mm. All right, happy wife, happy life.
Hi, kids!
- Make room for your mother.
- Okay.
- Hey!
- Whoa! No, I didn't...!
What the fuck? Don't you ever
think that you can ever...
Family meeting. Let's go.
Get in the back. Go.
Kenny: I didn't mean to.
- I don't care.
Casey: He just hit me in the fucking face.
- Will you march? No one wants to hear...
(WHISPERING) What the fuck?!
Are you kidding me?
Oh, come on, relax, Dorothy.
Jesus.
We're not at the border.
Who cares what they think?
It's about not drawing attention
to ourselves, you little hobo.
Hey! Don't talk
to her like that.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Rose, relax, okay? The
only thing you need to worry about...
...is making them think you could
be someone's mother. Okay?
Are you kidding me? I can
do this shit in my sleep.
Excuse me.
Lord, we thank thee for the
blessing of this family vacation.
May David find his bliss and
bring us home back safely.
May Kenny and Casey fortify
their sibling bond...
...over the warm glow
of our devoted hearts.
And may this entire airplane
find safe passage...
...and a bountiful life.
Even the Jews.
- Amen. David:
- That was a good one.
That was beautiful.
- Oh.
- I wish my family was more like that.
Rose: Oh, stop. Don't.
No, no, no. Come on. Come in here.
Hug it out. Don't you cry.
Aw, honey.
(MOUTHS) Fuck you.
All better now? Okay.
Oh, and don't forget you can use Chex
Mix as a surprise casserole topping.
Adds that real special crunch.
- Wow, what a great tip.
- Sure!
Bye-bye.
Holy shit, where did
that come from?
It's five summers with my
Aunt Barb in Oklahoma.
That was amazing.
Calm down. It wasn't that great.
Ah, goddamn it. Brad said the RV was
supposed to be out here waiting for us.
Anybody sees a camper,
just let me know.
Whoa.
What the fuck is this?
This thing is ridiculous.
(ENGINE STARTS)
- Can you drive this?
- I don't know.
How fast does it go?
Why the hell are you
reading that thing?
Because I like it. It's fun.
It's informative.
"It's fun. " That's
your idea of fun, huh?
I have a VCR manual from the
'90s you should check out.
- I think you'd probably enjoy that.
- Fireworks!
Oh, my God, guys, look!
Fireworks! Hey! Fireworks! Pull over!
There's fireworks!
We're not pulling
over for fireworks.
- Oh, Oh, stern.
- What? It's Fourth of July weekend.
Don't be such a grumpy asshole.
Pull over!
No. Absolutely not.
Oh, come on, I vote
fireworks too.
See? Even this loser wants fireworks.
Fireworks!
- Fireworks! Fireworks!
- The kids wanna see fireworks.
Casey & Kenny: Fireworks!
Fireworks! Fireworks!
Okay, enough!
Enough! Let's get something
straight right now!
You are not my kids! Okay?
You are not my wife! And
we are not a family!
All right? This is a job!
We are not the Brady Bunch!
I'm Marky Mark and y'all
are the Funky Bunch!
- The what?
- I'm the boss. You hear me?
So cut the shit! Otherwise, I will
turn this RV around immediately!
And we will drive straight home.
No drugs for anyone!
This vacation sucks.
You...
It is not a vacation!
(ROSE LAUGHS)
(FIREWORK POPS)
There we go. You fucking happy?
Come on.
David: Here we go. Everybody
just be cool. All right?
Hey there!
You got the Miller family here,
reporting for leisure, sir.
We're just heading down
to Mxico way to do a...
Oh. Okay. Great. Fantastic. All right,
thank you. Take care, now. All right.
Whoo! Did you see that? I told you
this RV would work! We totally blend.
Rose: Congratulations. You
just snuck into Mexico.
Casey: What is this?
- A meth lab? David:
- It's Mexico, Casey.
Rose: That's a donkey,
donkey, donkey.
- This RV blends right in, David. David:
- Will you calm down?
Rose: This thing is ginormous.
I mean, it's ridiculous.
NAVIGATION VOICE: You have
arrived at your destination.
The route guidance
is now finished.
Are you sure these guys
are expecting you?
Rose, we're good. All right?
Now will you calm down? These are
Brad's guys. Nothing to worry about.
Open Sesame. Here we go.
Hey!
Hey, I think that guy
was in La Bamba.
Is that a little football over there?
That's fun. Soccer.
Kids are a good sign, I guess.
- Hey there.
- What is this place?
David: Will you look at this? It's a
cute little drug-dealing community.
They probably sell churros.
Will you relax?
It's fine. We're totally fine.
I'll run in, pick up a
duffel bag, a suitcase
or something and
we'll be on our way.
Hi. Now come on. See,
it's the welcome wagon.
Let me go talk to this guy.
Hola. Hola, big man,
me llamo David.
Yeah, I'm here to pick
up for Brad Gurdlinger.
- Oh.
- He's got a gun.
Rose: - Oh, God.
- Whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey!
- Oh, God. David:
- Palo Hacon! Palo Hacon!
Pablo Chacon?
(SPEAKS IN SPANISH)
Pablo Chacon. I'm here to
pick up for Pablo Chacon.
You are the White Gringo with
the haircut of a donkey.
Uh, yeah. S.
Yeah. Yeah, mucho white-o.
Very, very gringo. Yeah.
- Who are they?
- Um, that's my "family. "
You know, uh, mi familia.
You know, helping me out
here with the deal. Yeah.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Yeah.
Yeah. I know, I can't
believe it either.
(ONE-EYE SHOUTS IN SPANISH)
(MOUTHS) Do you see his eye?
Jesus Christ.
(LAUGHING)
Come! Drugs now.
David: - Okay, great. - What?
David: That's great.
Let's do it. Okay.
All right, big fella, where's the smidge
of weed everyone's talking about?
(MEN CHATTERING)
- This is a little more than a smidge.
- Oh, dear.
Calm down. Okay?
We're gonna be fine.
Oh, yeah, sure, right.
All we're doing is smuggling two
metric tons of marijuana...
...across an international
border in a rented motor home!
I don't see what could
possibly go wrong! Ugh!
Okay, uh, I'm gonna make
a phone call real quick.
Kenny, watch the pot.
It's a great place.
Fuck you.
(SAW WHIRRING)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Brad: Hey. Buddy.
I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
I'm like an amazing sculptor.
- What are you talking about?
- I've been working all day.
It's an orca and he's breaching and
I'm balls deep in his blow hole.
What the fuck?
Uh-oh, something wrong?
Yeah! Something's wrong. Something's
very, very wrong. Okay?
You said "a smidge of pot. "
This is not a smidge.
- Smidge and a half? No?
- No.
You got me moving enough weed to
kill Willie-fucking-Nelson, man!
Okay? They're using a goddamn bucket
brigade to put it on the RV as we speak!
You walked in, told them you were picking
up for Pablo Chacon and they were like:
- "No problem!"
- Wait a minute.
Why do you sound surprised? You
told them we were coming, right?
Relax!
Everything's gonna be fine, man. I greased
the guard in Lane one at the border.
He'll let you breeze through,
I'll see you in the morning!
I'll even buy you brunch.
Can I change the
subject for a second?
If you get back and
see the sculpture...
...you're gonna look at it and be
like, "Whoa, those balls are huge. "
The balls are the only part that
are not anatomically correct.
Everything else is perfect.
But I made the balls a little
larger as a tribute to my manhood.
Fuck you, Brad.
That's the David I love!
Fuck you too! Come
on, let's do this!
Ha, ha! I'll see you soon,
my little drug mule!
Hee-haw! Hee-haw! Hee-haw...
(PHONE BEEPS OFF)
Shit!
(WOMAN SPEAKS IN SPANISH)
Oh, no. Thank you. I'm good.
You reject my mother's gift?
I mean, I don't know whether
I'd put it in those terms.
- Shut up and take the fruit.
- Right. Got it.
Thank you, ma'am.
- (WHISPERS)
- You wanna get us killed? - What?
Namaste.
Casey: Whoa.
I think Snoop Dogg would
fuck this fridge.
At least it keeps it fresh.
Well, as long as no one
sets foot inside the RV...
...looks through a
window, or weighs us...
- ... we should be pretty good.
- We'll be fine.
We're totally fucked.
(ONE-EYE SPEAKS IN SPANISH)
(SIREN WHOOPS)
David: Aw, shit. What
the hell is this?
Rose: What's it look like?
It's a cop, genius.
David: Be cool.
- Remember we're the Millers. Okay.
- Okay. Yeah. Okay. Cool.
- Oh. Buenos dias, officer.
- Hola.
I'm sorry if we were violating
some of your traffic laws.
You see, the family and I got into
a heated game of road bingo and...
- Cut the shit.
- I'm sorry?
I saw you leaving Pablo
Chacon's compound.
And we both know if I search
your mobile home, what I'd find.
Much prison time
for such things.
Yeah. Yeah.
But I don't feel like
arresting anybody...
...so I'll just simply take my
bribe and I'll be on my way.
Well, all right. Ha, ha.
This is what I'm talking about. Great!
How much we talking? 100? 200?
- One thousand.
- A thousand?
- Mm-hm.
- What, are you buying a house down here?
It's a lot. Um, we don't have that
sort of cash on us right now.
(GROANS)
You see, that's
gonna be a problem.
Yeah, yeah.
Maybe you can offer me something else.
Say, uh...
...something a little
more personal?
- Oh.
- Oh.
I gotcha. Rose, suck his dick.
Fuck you, I'm not
sucking anything.
Come on. Will you
be a team player?
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- Will you stop being selfish?
Please, please, seora.
No need to be alarmed.
See, I'm, how you say, a man who
prefers the company of other men.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- David, suck his dick.
- Rose.
Five seconds tops.
Just cradle the balls.
Mm.
Come on, David. Be a team player.
You're gonna have fun.
Um...
Okay. Kenny! Front
and center, buddy.
Uh...
Kenny: Okay, so what's the plan?
Go up there and pretend to and
then you're gonna jump him?
The plan is, um...
Here. Come here, come here.
Okay, um, let's see. You,
you're this bottle cap.
Right? And I am this
cigarette butt.
Okay, that's us. All right? Okay? He's
over there, right by this, that bush.
We'll make him the pebble.
You will go and meet him behind
the bush right over there.
You suck his dick, and
we get outta here.
- Okay? Bring it in, on three.
- What?! No!
What do you mean no?
What's wrong?
- Well, I'm not gay.
- Are you sure?
I mean, you never really
know until you know.
- No. I'm not gay.
- Okay. All right. Calm down.
Look, this gay panic
situation you're having
now, it's coming off
a little homophobic.
What, because I don't
want a penis in my mouth?
Exactly. It's exactly
what homophobic means.
Look, you go over there, you just, you
know, you pretend it's a girl's dick.
Any girl's dick you want.
Kenny:
- I'm not sure I agree with that logic.
- Look, listen to me.
- What is he saying to him?
- I have no idea.
All right? Just listen to me.
All right?
Come on, man.
This is your chance
to be the hero.
- I don't know, David. David:
- Don't do it for me.
Don't even do it for you. Do it for
the girls. For Rose and Casey.
Because, believe me, they won't
last two days in a Mexican prison.
- Okay.
- Attaboy!
- I'll do it for the girls.
- I'm proud of you.
Hey. What's going on?
Somebody sucking my dick,
or am I getting 1000 pesos?
No, he's gonna w...
- "Pesos"? Why didn't you say so?
- Mm-hm. A thousand.
Oh, well, that's like,
what, 80 bucks American?
Here. Here you go. A hundred.
Keep the change.
(SPEAKS IN SPANISH)
Can't believe you were gonna suck
that guy's dick. Come on, let's go.
(DOGS BARKING)
MAN: (ON PA) All vehicles, please
proceed slowly in assigned lanes...
...and prepare for
vehicle inspection.
(MAN ON PA SPEAKING IN SPANISH)
Okay, here we go. This is it.
Kenny, grab the hats. Hurry.
You said the guard was just
gonna wave us through.
He will. But let's look the part so
the others don't get suspicious.
(HORN HONKING)
What the fuck does
this guy want?
I don't know. But he's honking.
- Hi!
- Just ignore them.
Okay, he's really honking and
it's making a huge scene.
I think he just wants to say hi.
Oh, my God. I don't
wanna say hi.
They're just waving. If
we just wave, he'll stop.
Fine. I'll say hi. Fine.
- Hi!
- Hi!
Howdy-doody! Quite a rig
you got there, amigo.
That is quite a rig you
guys have there too.
Well, thank you very kindly.
We do love her.
We don't take her out as often as
we used to when our girl was small.
It can be such a bear to carve out quality
family time but you gotta do it, don't you?
Yeah, David and
Rose Miller here.
Oh.
This is my daughter, Casey, right here.
And my son, Kenny.
- How handsome.
- Pleased to make your acquaintance.
Don Fitzgerald, my
smoldering wife, Edith...
...and our daughter.
Say hi, Melissa.
(EDIE LAUGHS)
MAN: (ON PA) Lane one, please pull forward.
- Oh.
Sir. Sir, please pull forward.
I got a joint here.
- Shut down Lane one.
- It's medicinal.
- What'd he say?
- He has a joint.
That's it?
(ROSE GASPS)
- Hide it.
- Okay.
Get rid of it! Oh, my God!
Holy shit.
- Oh, that was so close.
- You have a baby!
- Oh, I love babies! Rose:
- Oh.
Oh, look at that gorgeous
little bundle of joy!
What's that beautiful
little baby's name?
- This is our little...
- LeBron.
- Name's LeBron. Rose: - Yup.
- Oh.
- A little French fella.
It's our little LeBron.
I was against the name at first, but
the missus has a real soft spot...
...for prima Donnas who'll
never be as good as Jordan.
I can't see the face.
- I'm dying to see his face.
- Sir, pull forward to Lane two.
- Oh, fuck! Okay, put on the hats.
- You gotta pull over.
- Here we go. Rose: - Great.
- My God, I feel like a fucking idiot.
- That's the idea.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Everybody smile
and follow my lead, all right?
I'm gonna take us to the promised land.
Here we go. Here we go.
(DOG BARKING)
Steady.
- Steady.
- Shit.
David: Shh. Shh, shh.
I got this one.
Okay. Everybody just smile. Everybody be
cool. Here we go. Follow my lead. Ahem.
You bringing anything into
the United States, sir?
Yuh...
Sir, are you bringing any contraband
back into the United States?
David: Um...
GUARD 1: - Sir? - David!
(GUARD 1 SPEAKS IN SPANISH)
(BARKING)
Folks, I need you to pull over
and exit the vehicle, please.
- But...
- Sir, is that actually necessary?
I mean, these kids are
pooped and we've just...
I need everybody out of this
recreational vehicle immediately.
- I'll just put the baby down.
- We'll put the baby away.
Bring the child, pull over to the secondary
inspection area and exit the vehicle now!
- Okay.
- Good.
(BARKING)
(ROSE GASPS)
It's okay. It's all right.
It's okay, baby.
It's just a puppy.
Stand down.
All right. It's okay.
Before I search the vehicle, is there
anything you wanna tell me about?
Because after I
open that door...
...I can't help you.
Last chance. I'm gonna search
this vehicle top to bottom.
All right.
(MEN SHOUTING IN SPANISH)
We got runners!
(DOGS BARKING)
(GUNSHOTS)
GUARD 2: We got runners!
Sorry to inconvenience you, folks.
This happens a lot.
You have a nice day.
Go. Go, go!
Ah. Well, that was fucking easy!
(DAVID LAUGHS)
- Oh, my God.
- God!
Whoo! We did it!
Nicely done, Millers! Give it up!
Very good job. Here you go.
Rose! Yeah! David! There you go!
We are all officially international drug
smugglers. Add it to the resume.
Ha, ha. How about a little
victory music, huh?
(TLC'S "WATERFALLS"
PLAYING ON RADIO)
Oh, no, no, no.
- Don't change it. I love this song.
- Me too.
What? I didn't even like this
song when it was popular.
Come on, loosen up, David.
(INCREASES VOLUME)
(SINGING ALONG) Please
stick to the rivers.
And the lakes that
you're used to.
Don't do this.
What? This isn't even
a good victory song.
No, stop. We are not doing this.
This is embarrassing. Stop.
Ah, come on.
(RAPPING) I seen a rainbow yesterday But
too many storms have come and gone.
Leavin' a trace of not one God-given Ray
Is it because my life is 10 shades of gray
(MOUTHS) What the fuck?
I pray all 10 fade away Seldom
praise him for the sunny days.
You claim the insane And
name this place in time.
For fallin' prey to crime, I swear The
system got you victim to your own mind.
Dreams are hopeless aspirations
In hopes of comin' true.
Believe in yourself The
rest is up to me and
(SINGING) Don't go
chasin' waterfalls.
- Whoo! Casey:
- Whoo, yeah, Kenny!
Rose: Where did you
learn to do that?
David: Yeah, whatever.
(CHILDREN CHATTERING)
(CROWD SHOUTING)
(GROANS)
(CROWD MURMURING)
Seor Chacon.
(ONE-EYE SPEAKS IN SPANISH)
We were not expecting you.
I decided to bring the gringo myself to
make sure everything goes as planned.
But the gringo has already
left with the shipment, seor.
What gringo?
The gringo with the
haircut of a donkey.
You mean this gringo with
the haircut of a donkey.
I have failed you, seor.
If you saw this gringo again
would you recognize him?
He was driving an
RV with his family.
Get in the car.
Oh, how fast are you going?
Calm down, I'm going the speed limit.
We won't get pulled over.
No, no. I mean, loaded down like
this in a 15-ton vehicle...
...going up a 10 percent grade.
Just use your head, David. I don't
think you think things through.
- What?
- Weight distribution loading and towing.
- See?
- Yeah, I do.
I thought this plan through.
- Seems to be working out.
- Oh, great.
(ALARM BEEPING)
David: Oh, Shit!
(ENGINE SPUTTERING)
Seriously. God...!
Was this part of
your plan, David?
Damn it.
- Wait, what are we gonna do now?
- I don't kno...
I can't even get a signal.
No shit. We're in the fucking
middle of nowhere, dude.
Oh, gee, thank you, Casey.
Thank you for your amazing problem
solving skills. So helpful.
Whoa. Hey, what are you doing?
I'm not gonna stand on the side of the
road next to an RV filled with pot.
I'm gonna try to find help.
- Yeah, fuck this. I'm going with her. Bye.
- What?
Casey: Wait up! Rose: Ugh.
Ridiculous!
Okay. Actually, that's fine. Good idea.
Okay, hurry back though, please.
"Oh, I have a plan. " Really? Good plan.
You don't have any plans.
Women, am I right?
Shut the fuck up, Kenny.
Rose: And he's so smug. Ugh.
He drives me crazy.
Casey: Well, yeah,
he's an idiot.
Rose: No, he's not an idiot.
He's actually kind of smart.
Why are you defending him?
I'm not defending him. I'm
just saying that he...
Casey: Have you seen where we are?
This whole plan is so stupid.
Rose: Oh, really?
What golden advice did you follow
that ended with you on the streets?
I don't live on the streets, okay?
I crash with friends.
Ah. Okay. I see.
So you were kind of between couches
when David and Kenny found you.
Are you gonna lecture me?
Seriously, I'll puke.
You know what, I'm
not lecturing you.
Okay, good. Because I don't
need advice from a stripper.
All right, you know what you little shit?
I swear...
(HORN HONKS)
What the hell is this?
Well, look at this cute
little couple of hitchhikers.
We're here to save your bacon.
Saddle up, little ladies.
Ha-ha-ha!
Rose: Hey. Hi, what's going on?
They pulled up right after you guys left.
They're gonna tow us to a mechanic.
They keeping asking to
hold the weed baby.
All right, all right, calm down.
Okay.
Just calm down, all right?
I got this. Watch.
I'm holding that baby.
Edie, you will, I promise, but
it's nap time for LeBron.
Come on, guys, let's go.
All aboard the Fitzgerald Express.
Honk, honk!
Rose: - Ha-ha-ha!
- Toot, toot!
It's like we're pretending
it's a train, but it's not.
(EDIE LAUGHS)
Kenny: Surrounded by goblins.
Melissa: Okay.
Oh, Oh, Oh!
One more sec, okay? Hold on, one second.
Don't freak.
Edie: When you're a
synchronized swimmer...
...you can't use a maxi
pad, you can see it.
So my friend bought
me a box of tampins.
And I'll tell you, I had a
hard time inserting those.
- It would just stick halfway out. Rose:
- Mm-hm.
- It was just like a Roman candle. Rose:
- Mm-hm.
And that is how I found out I
was born with a shallow vagina.
- That was such a detailed story, Edie.
- Thank you!
You gotta do a one-woman show. It's,
like, so many layers, you know?
So, what's your story, David?
- What do you mean?
- How'd you two meet?
Ah! Honey, tell her.
And don't leave out any
of the romantic parts.
David: Okay. All right.
Where did we first meet. Um...
It's great.
Well, that would have been when Rose
moved into my apartment building.
- Ah. That's right. David:
- Mm-hm.
(GASPS)
I remember watching her through the
crack in my door as she was...
Wait, you were spying on me?
Now, hon, just because you've
heard it a thousand times...
...doesn't mean you should interrupt.
Don't be rude.
All right. Proceed.
But, yeah, I was spying on her.
She was unloading this
U-Haul all by herself.
I wanna go help her, but I don't wanna come
off like I'm hitting on her, because...
...you know, I'd like to hit
on her maybe at some point.
And, uh...
...she was wearing these little Navy Blue
Chuck Taylors and these Jean shorts.
No pockets on the back,
however that happened.
And this, uh, Tom Waits T-shirt.
I was like, "Oh, that's cool. "
Because I love Tom Waits.
And she just looked beautiful.
If you're into that kind
of mean, pretty thing.
So, anyway, uh...
...she starts to bring up this really big
weird-looking painting up the stairs.
And I'm like, "Okay, here's my
shot. " All right, so I go outside...
...and I help her with it.
I'm trying to, at least.
She looks at me and
goes: "Stop it!"
- She just snaps at me.
- You started yanking at it.
Next thing you know,
it's a tug of war...
...pulling it back and forth
and out of nowhere...
His fat fist goes right
through the canvas.
- But it was an accident.
- Doesn't matter! You ruined my painting.
Okay. Honestly, I really think
you should've thanked me.
Yeah, because that
painting was hideous.
(CHUCKLES)
My grandfather painted
that painting.
And it was my favorite
thing in the entire world.
So we get in this screaming match
in front of the whole building.
And everybody comes out
and is watching it.
I mean, from that moment,
we hated each other.
Oh, man.
- And then you fell in love. Oh!
- Yeah. Then we fell in love.
- Ha, ha!
- Hey, now. I think this is our exit.
David, could you grab me the
map out of the glove box?
Yes, sir.
- Whoa. Whoa. Uh... Rose:
- Whoa!
DON: Oh, hey, sorry about that, buddy.
Didn't mean to scare you there.
That's just my service
pistol and badge.
Oh. Your badge.
- Are you a cop?
- No, no, no.
No? Oh, God.
- I'm in the DEA. Rose: - Oh.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
Yeah, my Don has been an
agent for the last 22 years.
On a bit of a hiatus
at the moment.
They took him out of the field,
he wasn't aggressive enough.
- That's enough.
- I'm sorry. It's not right, Don.
Those young guns aren't half the
agent you are, those crumb-bums.
Edith, you know how I
feel about your cussing.
I'm sorry, Don.
Edith can be a little
hot-blooded at times.
- I'm 1/8 Italian, so... Rose:
- Oh. It's okay.
Uh, hey, if you guys
will excuse me.
- Wanna join me?
- Where are you off to?
- We're gonna check on the baby.
- Gonna take a dump.
- Check the baby's dumps. Rose:
- That's what we should say.
- Yeah, just go check on Lebanon.
- LeBron. His name's LeBron.
He just has a terrible tummy. And
it's just bad diarrhea stuff.
DON: Do we still
have cornstarch?
Edie: Yeah, there's
cornstarch for his bottom.
- Family meeting.
- Yep.
Edie: I'm getting my
hands on that baby.
He's a narc? Are you
fucking kidding me?!
Stop panicking! We haven't done
anything suspicious yet, so just relax!
Oh, really? Okay. What about when they
wanna hold our precious weed baby?
Give me the baby, all right?
I'll handle it if it happens.
I'll take care of it.
Right now, all we have to do is get
away from that fucked up family.
Oh, fuck. Why are we stopping?
They heard us. They heard us.
Fuck, we're going to jail.
No, no, no. We're just
at the garage, okay?
Everybody calm down. We haven't
done anything. You're right.
I'll ditch this guy real fast. We're
gonna get in and get out of here, okay?
Game face, okay? Miller time.
Here we go.
No other repair shops nearby?
Run by a Christian and open after
supper on a Saturday night? No, sir.
Ah, shoot. I'd give you the hose out
of our rig and send you on your way...
...but we'd be
stranded ourselves.
Besides, this way we can all
get to know each other better.
- What's happening?
- They're closed till morning.
Oklahoma.
Oh, God.
You folks can make camp with
the Fitzgeralds tonight.
I know a great spot. We'll set up the old
tents and you can bed down in our Winni.
- I'll give you a hand with your gear.
- No, no, no.
That's okay. Millers
carry their own weight.
- I knew I liked you, David.
- Kenny, you wanna get our shit?
- Hey.
- This will be a hoot.
I'll watch your little one so you and
your man can have some snuggle time.
- I don't want you to have to...
- I am good with babies.
Nonsense! Oh, give me the baby.
Give me that baby!
(GASPS)
(HORN BLARING)
(ALL SCREAM)
Shit!
Edie: Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God. Why
isn't there blood?!
Oh, my God! What's happening?
Thanks a lot, Mom. Now what am I
supposed to use for my health project?
I'm gonna fail and have to
go to community college.
- My future's ruined!
- Honey.
Mrs. Fitzgerald,
are you all right?
- That baby was...?
- Oh, did you think that LeBron was...?
ALL: Heh-heh-heh.
- No, no, no. LeBron was a sack of herbs.
Oregano and basil mostly.
We were just treating it like a
real baby, a summer project.
- Extra credit. David:
- It teaches the students that...
...nothing ruins your
life like children.
Yeah. And it also sends that message
to teens, just stick to the big A.
- Yeah, anal.
- Abstinence, you meant.
- Neither makes a baby.
- He confuses them.
Anyway, I'm so sorry, Edie.
We promised our Casey...
...that we would treat it like a real
baby all summer and we went too far.
Got used to it. Sorry.
Rose: And so I'm
embarrassed, actually.
I think that would
scare anybody.
She's very emotional. You should have
seen her at the end of Free Willy.
Oh, stop it, Don.
I love that whale.
Well, who loves campfire games?
Edie: Oh, Don.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's my
pleasure to welcome you...
...to the annual singing
Fitzgerald family jamboree.
Our usual guests couldn't
be here this year.
- Uh, they're called the Osmond family.
- Ha-ha-ha!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
But in their place this year we have the
very talented and wonderful Miller family.
Let's get this party started with
a Fitzgerald family favorite.
(SINGING) Breakin'
rocks in the hot sun.
I fought the law
and the law won.
It always does.
DON: I needed to steal some
money 'Cause I had none.
I fought the law
and the law won.
Now just the Millers.
ALL: (SINGING) I fought
the law and the law won.
I fought the law
and the law won
I want you to imagine
you committed a felony,
you've been tried and
sent to prison...
...and you're standing
out in the sun
breaking up rocks with
a sledgehammer. And...
(SINGING) I fought the
law and the law won.
I fought the law
and the law won.
- All right, that's great. Rose:
- That's good.
David: That's fun. Great song.
- I love it. That was great.
Great choice.
- Great, kids.
- Well, that was an A for effort.
- Whoo! I got the spirit!
- That's great.
Edie: It's a bird,
it's a plane.
DON: U.S. Air Force, U.S.
Air Force. Ollie North!
Edie: Take me home to...
Edie: Looks like a sea animal.
Hammer tooth shark.
(WHISPERING) We wait
until they fall asleep
and then we sneak into
their tent, all right?
(WHISPERING) Mm.
Cut their throats.
- What?
- What?
No. Jesus.
- What the fuck's wrong with you?
- Nothing.
I wasn't saying to do that.
I didn't say that.
I thought you were gonna it.
You thought I was gonna
say "cut their throats"?
Who do you think I am, Scarface?
Give me a break.
DON: Herbert Walker Bush!
Edie: Paper airplanes!
Clowns. Clown sandwich.
Don't lock the baby
in the basement.
What I was gonna say: We sneak
into the tent, steal Don's keys...
...then we take the RV
back to the shop and I
can swap out their
radiator hose for ours.
Ah. Got it.
- The Earth! The Earth is on fire!
- Atmosphere.
Edie: Uh...
(WHISPERS) Plain and simple.
Al Qaeda! Al Qaeda!
(BELL RINGS)
It was "plain and simple. "
- See, this was a plane, and then this w...
- Oh, Melissa, of course it was.
That is so clever.
Gosh, I thought it
was really good.
I'm a terrible drawer, so...
- Great, because you're up next.
- Ah.
- Passing the Baton. Kenny:
- Nice work.
Rose: (IN NORMAL VOICE) Okay.
Let's go, Kenny.
David (IN NORMAL VOICE) All
right, Kenny, here we go.
- Draw your brains out. Rose:
- All right, that's a line.
- A slash. Guns and Roses.
- Looks like a spring.
What is that? That's a... Kenny,
come on, draw something, buddy.
Casey: String.
David: Come on, son.
- Rocket. It's a rocket or...
- Is that a cucumber?
This is really stupid.
David: Is it a bad drawing, Kenny?
My guess is "bad drawing. "
- It's...
- Oh! A penis! A penis.
It's a big dick.
Those are balls.
It's a big black dick! It's a drawing.
Black! It's a big black dick.
It's a big, big black cock!
Black Cock Down!
(DON SIGHS THEN BELL RINGS)
It's a skateboard.
- It's a skateboard, great.
- A skateboard. Of course it is.
- It's a big black skateboard. Rose:
- I see it.
Of course. It's very clear. But,
you see, it was up... There's...
Its wheels, so I didn't see it
down on the ground, and then it...
Black Cock Down?
Black Cock Down?
Nice job, Meryl Streep.
Very subtle character work.
Not my fault that
Kenny can't draw.
David: Don't you pick on Kenny.
Rose: Nothing about that
looked like a skateboard.
You leave him alone.
Where the hell's Kenny?
- You guys, come here.
- What?
- What's going on?
- Look at these two.
Rose: Aww. David: Uh-oh.
- Guess I'm not the best drawer.
- No, you were great.
- I knew that was a skateboard.
- Yeah.
- I don't know where the confusion was.
- No, I... That...
Yeah.
I, um, really like your family.
They're, uh...
- They're different.
- Well, they're not my family. I mean...
Yeah, no, I get what you mean.
- She wants him to kiss her.
- Absolutely.
Casey: - She does, right?
- And sometimes I feel like I'm adopted...
...or an alien, you
know, or something.
Right. That's what I meant.
Um...
But also, you know, I
would totally adopt you.
You know, um...
Not that I wanna be your Daddy.
I just, uh...
David: He's talking too much.
Casey: He won't shut up.
Uh, well, good night.
(ALL GROAN)
- I'll see you.
- Okay. Um...
Fucking hug.
Okay.
And, uh, Melissa?
- Yeah?
- Uh, watch out for bears.
Um, you know. Can't
see them coming.
Good tip.
That poor kid. Well, you
should go talk to him.
Who?
I said you should go...
Well, who do you think?
Me? What the hell
am I gonna say?
Talk to him about guy stuff.
- Jesus fucking Christ.
- Come on, how hard is it? Just go.
David: Hey, man, how you doing?
- Hey.
- Anybody sitting here?
- Uh, no.
Well, good, good, good, good.
All right.
So, um...
...I saw what just happened
with you and Melissa.
- Oh.
- Um...
You know, you don't have to be
scared to kiss a girl. Heh-heh.
I mean, you damn near sucked a guy's dick
nine hours ago. What are you shy now for?
That's not funny, David.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
It was a bad joke. Ahem.
You wanna know something I used
to do when I was your age...
...kept me from getting
nervous around girls?
- Yeah.
- I would just count to three.
- Count to three?
- Yeah.
- That's your big advice? Count to three?
- Yeah.
I mean, if you ever wanna kiss a girl
or ask her to go out, or I mean...
Actually, if you get scared of anything,
just do this: Just count to three...
...and then do it.
Because if you take too long, you overthink
it and you'll just drive yourself crazy.
Trust me, it'll
change your life.
I guess that makes sense.
- Thanks.
- Yeah. No problem.
And, you know, if you have
any other questions...
...about, like, the
birds and the bees...
...who puts what into where,
any of that fun stuff...
...just don't hesitate
to ask, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Good talk. Kenny:
- Yeah, good talk.
David: Oh, my back.
- So old. Kenny: - Yeah.
(OWL HOOTING)
(MOUTHING) Wait. You go in. I'll
keep a lookout, okay? Good.
(MOUTHING) Fuck you. This was your idea.
You're going the fuck in there.
Why are you yelling at me?
I am not yelling at you.
Okay. Okay.
Watch.
Bin Laden!
What's happening?
Is it raccoons?
God.
You were right
about them, Edith.
- No. I'm so sorry.
- Let me explain.
This is completely explainable.
- A misunderstanding.
- We didn't mean to do this.
- You just have to understand something.
Rose: Mm-hm, mm-hm.
We have never done anything like
this with another couple before.
Uh-huh.
That's no judgment on you.
We're no squares.
- I own a vibrator.
- That's right, she does.
- Awesome. DON:
- I wasn't for it at first.
The darn thing's made in
China, for cripes' sake...
...but when you've been married this long
you look for anything to spice things up.
So, of course we've discussed
a scenario like this.
Yes. And tonight when you brought
up that big black "babymaker"...
DON: Well, we got it.
- Loud and clear.
Our vibrator is
named "Joe Morgan. "
We were picking up what
you were putting down.
Edie: Same page.
- Interesting.
We're very flattered by this, but right
now, in the middle of the night...
...I'm not sure I'm really
ready for it. Aw, Don.
Got it. Totally understood.
Not a problem.
We just had to ask. So...
Edie: Wait. I have an idea.
Okay. Maybe I could take
a baby step tonight.
I mean, my mouth is
for my marriage.
But I've never touched
another woman before.
I would be okay with that. Yeah.
Edie: Oh, great.
Rose?
- There you go.
- Okay. All right, I'm sitting.
- Are you okay?
- David.
- Mother to mother, is this okay with you?
- Yes. "Mother. " Yes.
- Are you sure?
- Let's get this mother started.
- Shall we? Okay. Edie:
- Ha-ha-ha!
- Okay, Don, are you watching?
- I'm good.
Okay. Uh, wow.
My heart's pounding
so fast in my chest.
- Ahem. So I guess we're swinging.
- Hmm? Oh, yeah.
Ooh. Ha, ha.
Edie: Sorry that I'm
taking so long.
Hello. Ha-ha-ha!
Okay, I'm just gonna do it real fast.
There we go.
- There they are.
- There they are.
- Wow! Wow! Rose:
- It's happening. This is happening.
Edie: Don, are you looking at this?
I'm touching her boobs.
- This is a miracle.
- Okey-doke.
- Would you like to feel my breasts?
- I think that's enough for tonight.
- You're right.
- Don't give away the farm.
- A little roughhouse?
- We should wait.
- Are you okay down there?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Have fun tonight, kids.
Rose: Awesome.
- I'm never gonna wash these hands.
Mwah, mwah, mwah!
Thank you so much.
Rose: Good night. That was great.
- Okay, bye, guys.
Great. What now, genius?
- Tell me... What?
- Oh, Oh, oh. I don't know.
I just got earfucked in a tent.
If you let her finger bang you
they would have given us the keys.
Oh, really? Why don't you go
suck Don's dick for them...
...and then you get the keys? He was
certainly loving on those earlobes.
Okay, look. First, unlike you, I only
suck a man's dick if I'm in love, okay?
That's kind of a
personal rule I have.
- Yeah, and secondly... And secondly...
- What?
I don't have a second one. I don't
know where I was going with that.
Fucking idiot.
Oh, I thought of one. I got one.
(VIBRATOR HUMMING AND
DON & EDIE GIGGLING)
DON: Here comes Joe
Morgan up to the plate.
(BOTH GIGGLE)
Edie: Oh, Don.
(KENNY SIGHS)
Okay, what?
What? What do you mean?
Do you wanna talk about it...
...or mope around like someone
kicked you in the vagina?
Okay. Um...
Well, I've never really like...
Had sex before. Shocker.
Kissed a girl before.
Wait, what? I thought you
said you were like 18.
- Okay, you know what, forget it.
- Okay, okay, wait. Okay.
Come on. Sit down. Don't
need to be so dramatic.
Look, it's okay that you
haven't kissed a girl.
I'm sure there are some girls...
...who I've never met...
...that find inexperience
kind of sweet.
I don't wanna be a sweet, inexperienced
guy who's never been worth kissing.
I wanna be the guy who grabs a
girl and kisses her. You know?
Okay, let me make
one thing clear.
This isn't one of those moments
where the girl kisses the boy...
...and realizes she's been in love
with him the whole time, okay?
You're my fake brother and
you're a sweet kid...
...so this is for you to
bring back to Melissa.
- What is?
- I'm gonna kiss you, dingus.
Oh.
- What are you doing? Shut your eyes.
- Okay, sorry. Right.
That's weird. That's
really weird.
- Sorry.
- All right. Ahem.
That was okay.
Now more tongue.
Tongue. I can do that.
Too much tongue.
Too much tongue.
Right. Too much... Yeah, that's my fault.
My bad. Sorry.
Less tongue.
That was good.
All right, now this time, I want
you to choke me a little bit.
- Uh, okay. David:
- Whoa. What's going on here?
Uh, it's...
- We're not doing what it looks like.
- Really?
It looks like Casey's teaching
you how to kiss out of pity.
Casey: Mm-hm.
Uh, well, then it is what
it looks like, yeah.
Really.
What did you teach him?
The basics. He's never
kissed a girl before.
You haven't? Oh. Well,
honey, show me.
- Uh, really?
- Yes.
Okay. Uh...
Oh. Not bad.
It's not bad.
- Try this.
- Okay.
Come here.
(KENNY GRUNTS)
There you go.
You feel that? What I
did with my tongue?
- Yes, ma'am.
- Show Casey what you just learned.
Look at that.
Mm! Whoa!
David: Wait. Hold on.
I wanna get a picture of you with the
first girl you ever kissed. Here you go.
- Mm-hm. Make it good.
- Good.
Rose. Get in there. There you go.
Photobomb it.
This is getting better,
it's getting better.
Okay.
Rose: It's so cute.
David: Use your hands. They got
so much fun stuff to play with.
You're not using your hands.
Melissa: Kenny?
- No, Melissa... It's, uh...
- I'm sorry.
Kenny: Melissa, wait.
Fuck.
You know, there's a 50-50
chance she'll be into it.
(WHISPERS) Redhead.
They're crazy.
Grab your things, guys.
Kenny, grab my stuff. Thanks.
- Here we go.
- Well, looks like you're ready to roll.
Gary called me first thing. He seemed
real eager for y'all to come pick her up.
- Good. Good, good, good. Okay.
- Guess this is it, then.
- Good luck to you, David.
- Hey, thank you, Don. Take care, will you?
Hey, yeah, listen, I would appreciate it
if you kept what happened last night...
...all that Chinese
vibrator talk, between us.
Yeah.
If folks at my church
found out about that...
Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, no. I get it. Yeah.
No, say no more. Mum's the word, okay?
Before you go running off...
- Yeah?
- Well, last night notwithstanding...
...things bedroom-wise between
me and Mrs. Fitzgerald...
...haven't been a real
five-alarm fire of late.
Okay.
Now that I'm not working as much, we have
a chance to light the flame again...
- ... but our matches are wet.
- Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
- If you catch my drift.
- I do, yeah.
Yeah, the matches are genitals.
I get it.
No, I was talking
about our passion.
Right. Sorry, sorry. Of course.
That's the way...
- That's okay. That's all right.
- Yeah.
So we've been looking
for new ideas...
...and she read on the Internet
about this finger thing...
Don, you don't need to
share that with me.
No, no, it's okay. I want to.
Okay, as long as
you're comfortable.
- I need your advice, David.
- Mm-hm.
You and Rose seem hotter for
each other than a couple mice...
...having sexual
congress in a wool sock.
- We do?
- Yeah.
You're like newlyweds, the way
you keep looking at each other.
- We are?
- Yeah. I guess I just wanna know...
...what do you do to keep things exciting
after years in the same fishing hole?
- Hmm.
- What's your secret?
Right.
- And by fishing hole you mean...
- Genitals.
That's genitals. Okay. Um.
Yeah, um, my secret? Uh...
Well, you know what I do, Don?
I just treat Rose like
she's a stripper.
(CHUCKLES)
- No kidding?
- No kidding.
Like she's a dirty,
dirty stripper.
Okay. Heh-heh-heh.
Dirtier the better. Heh.
- Heh, heh. Edie:
- Okay, watch your step.
It surprise... It
sneaks up on you.
Everyone got your bags?
Oh. I am so sorry that Melissa
isn't here to say goodbye.
She just won't come
out of that bedroom.
You know, she's been sick to her
tummy ever since last night.
- I think it was something that she ate.
- Just tell her I'm really sorry.
- Oh, sure.
- Oh.
Edie: Sure will.
Oh, so sweet, kids.
(WHISPERS) You'll always
be my special lover.
Ow! Oh, Edie.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Bye!
- Happy Birthday, America!
- Bye!
- See ya, now!
- Bye-bye, now.
(DAVID CHUCKLING)
- Thank you.
- Bye.
Let's get out of here. You guys, go to
the RV. I'll get the keys from Skeeter.
Hello?!
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hey, Brad, I was
just gonna call you.
Where are you? Thought
you'd be here by now.
I told you I needed it today.
No, I know that. No, we just had a little
bit of engine trouble's all, okay?
We're gonna be on the
road in five minutes,
at your front door in
just a few hours, okay?
Nothing stopping us now.
What the fuck?
Hand me the phone.
Uh, Brad, can you
hold on for a sec?
All right, let's not
do anything rash.
- I'm David, what's your name?
- Pablo Chacon.
Shut the fuck up. Stop, stop.
- Hola, Brad.
- Pablo!
(SPEAKS IN SPANISH)
You send this amateur
fuck-up to steal from me?
Listen, I don't know what
David told you... Hello?
I would have loved to
say good-bye to him.
Pablo Chacon.
Turns out there's a real Pablo
Chacon and we stole from him.
So this is probably gonna
end well, I would imagine.
I'll be right back.
No rush.
I thought you said we were picking
up drugs for Pablo Chacon.
I thought we were. Brad told
me he was Pablo Chacon.
Rose: Why do you trust that guy?
David: I don't, okay?
Can you guys stop bickering
for five seconds?
Okay, how did he even find us?
- We don't know.
- I don't know.
Pablo: With this.
Cool, is that a transmitter?
That's like a...
You put that in the RV, huh?
In one of the bags?
- How could you not think of that?
- Because I don't know what I'm doing!
- Have you not figured that out?
- Silence!
You all die now.
But together as a
family, with honor.
But we're not even a real family, okay?
I don't even know these people.
(SPEAKS IN SPANISH)
She's right. That's absolutely right.
No, no.
We're not related
at all, any of us.
No. We're just friends.
- No, we're not...
- We are not friends!
Look, I'm just a small-time
fucking drug dealer.
I sell dime bags, all right?
My daughter here is just a
homeless gutter punk, all right?
And my son is just a fucking dork that
lives in my building. We don't look alike!
Rose: - Not related.
- A virgin, okay? And my "wife"?
I mean, she's just
a cheap stripper.
Hey, thanks, David. Nice.
David: We will not do anything if...
- Wait, wait. Heh.
In the Capri pants and the
sensible footwear, a stripper?
Yes.
That's right, I am...
...Mr. Chacon.
Just give me one chance...
...to prove to you that I'm worth
way more alive than I am dead.
(AEROSMITH'S "SWEET EMOTION"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)
Sweet.
Emotion.
Talk about things
And nobody cares.
Wearing hot things
That nobody wears.
Some sweat hog knew
She's a real good liar
'Cause the backstage boogie
Set your pants on fire.
Sweet.
Emotion.
Sweet.
Emotion.
You stand in the front
Just a shakin' your ass.
I'll take you backstage
You'll be drinking my glass.
I'm talkin' about something
You can sure understand.
Have some respect,
it's your mother.
(PABLO SCREAMS)
David: Get in the RV!
Go, go, go!
(GRUNTS)
Why are we fighting?
- Do you know how to drive this?
- No.
No weapons. Here we go.
Casey: Hurry! Kenny: I
don't know how it works.
(BOTH YELL THEN
ONE-EYE GRUNTS)
Casey: Fuck!
- What just happened?
- I knocked him out. Let's go.
- You did not.
- Yes, I did.
Come on, Rose, come on. Come on!
- Look out!
- Oh, no, please.
Kenny! Kenny, give me the wheel!
No, do not pull over!
Go this way! No, no, no.
Don't get on the freeway.
- Kenny, just let me in. Kenny:
- I can't. I'll stop.
David: Don't stop!
You can't stop.
Goddamn it, will you let go?
No, no, no, no! You're
gonna get us killed!
(HORN HONKING)
(ALL SHOUTING)
David: All right, just get out of the way.
Kenny: I can't.
(ALL SCREAMING)
Is everybody okay?
- Are you okay?
- I'm fine. What...?
Rose: Fuck.
Fuck!
Ow! Shit! Fuck, fucking...
Ow, ow! Ow, ow, ow!
- Oh, my God. Fucking shit! Fuck!
David: What the hell is he doing?
Fuck a donkey! It hurts so much.
Settle down, man. What
the hell's going on?
Oh, my God! I'm gonna die.
Kenny, listen to me.
Calm down, all right?
Not gonna die. Tell
us what's going on.
- Tell us what happened.
- Fucking spider bit me, David!
- What? Where did it happen?
- Bit me on my balls.
On my fucking balls. On my
balls, on my fucking balls!
Oh, God. Let me see.
Kenny, let me see it.
No. No fucking way.
You're not seeing it.
Come on. I can't help you unless you
show me. Sweetie, just show it to me.
Kenny, will you just man
up and drop your pants?
We've all seen a dick.
David: All right, let's see it.
(ROSE GASPS)
What? What is it? What
does it look like?
- I can't look.
- Um...
- Is it bad?
- Hey, listen to me. It's not that bad.
- Dude, it's really bad.
- No, it isn't.
- Have you seen what that... Look.
- I'm not gonna look.
- You're going to a hospital.
- What? No. No fucking way.
How bad is it?
You're okay. Rub some dirt on it.
Let's get back in the RV.
No. You're going
to see a doctor.
No fucking way. No,
absolutely not, Rose.
He's not going to a hospital.
We don't have time.
Trust me. Kenny is fine.
I can't feel my bingo.
- Goddamn it, Kenny.
- Yeah. Totally fine.
- Go grab him. Grab him!
- If he's dead, we're leaving him.
Yeah, this is David Mille... David
Clark, calling for Mr. Gurdlinger again.
Yes, I'll hold.
Who's my big black and white baby?
Yeah.
You are. Yes, you are.
(BABBLING)
(CELL PHONE BUZZES)
- Yellow-ski.
- Oh, hello, Brad.
Where the fuck have you been? I
left you five messages, man!
David! You're alive! Cool.
How'd that happen?
Ask the real Pablo Chacon.
I'm not gonna make excuses.
It was kind of a dick move.
- "A dick move"? A dick move!
- Little bit.
Little bit of a dick move.
Well, tell you what. I'm not
driving another fucking mile.
All right? I want goddamn hazard pay from
your ass. Otherwise, I'll turn around...
...and give this smidge of pot back to
Chacon, along with your fucking address.
Do you understand me?
Sounds like you're threatening
to double-cross me.
Fucking right I am.
And I'm kind of
turned on right now.
You make a good case for hazard pay.
How much you want?
How much? Oh, I don't know,
half a million dollars.
- How about that?
- Done.
Fucking right, it's done. Good.
But I need it here by
tonight or the deal is off.
No problem. That's fine with me.
Where the hell
are you, anyway?
We're at the Corrales Regional Medical
Center in Buttfuck, New Mexico.
- Why?
- Why? Why?
Because this goddamn Kenny kid got his
fucking nuts bit by a giant spider.
That is amazing. Will you let me
know if he develops super powers?
Listen, man, giddyup, okay?
Tick-tock.
Tick-tock. Okay.
(PHONE BEEPS)
(LINE RINGING)
Hola, Pablo. Es Brad.
Okay. Here me out. I
wanna ask you something.
Scottie? The doctor
will see you now.
SCOTTIE: Text me, girl.
I gotta bounce.
Know what I'm saying?
Oh, God. Really? That guy?
- What? He's hot.
- Okay.
"I gotta bounce. "
- Miller family? Rose: - Yeah.
Hi. Hello, how are you?
Oh, great. What's the news, doc, huh?
Can we get going?
- He's about to tell us.
- Oh, good.
I'm afraid your son had a pretty severe
allergic reaction to the spider's venom.
Ooh. Too bad. Better get him home.
Where is he?
He's in a lot of pain right now, we won't
be able to release him for a few hours yet.
(DAVID GROANS)
- Why? Rose:
- David? David, David! Stop it.
Please. Continue.
Uh, he's on an IV to get
some antibiotics...
(SNORES)
Who the fuck cares, man? Okay?
We got shit to do.
Go get my son and bring him and
his giant nut out here right now.
Stop it. Doctor, thank you. I
appreciate you taking care of our son.
- Thank you very much.
- Sure. You seem like a very caring father.
- What is your fucking problem?
- What?!
Are you crazy? It's only a few hours.
We'll be fine.
No, we're not fine. Okay?
We'll be dead in a few hours.
You forget who's following us?
Look, here's what I
say we do, all right?
We leave him here, and then we
just keep going, all right?
So you're saying that the three
of us, we just leave him here.
No! No, no, no. We don't leave him here.
No. Absolutely not. No, we leave...
...with him here.
Okay.
You know, if we leave Kenny
here, it really isn't...
Ah.
No. I don't know where I was going
with that. That's stupid.
Seriously.
(BANGING ON DOOR)
- What's that?
- I don't know.
Casey: Don't answer it! It's for me!
- What?
What's up, dawg?
Not much, dawg.
What's up with you?
Here to pick up Casey,
know what I'm saying?
I'm awake and I speak
English, so, yeah, I do know.
What's your name, man?
Scottie P., you know what I'm saying?
Ha-ha.
Again, I do know
what you're saying.
But I appreciate you continuing
to check in with me.
- Hi! Bye. We're gonna go.
- Whoa, wait!
- Where do you think you're going?
- Out.
I have just made lunch.
- When are you coming back?
- I don't know, later.
David: No! Hey, stop!
Stop, listen to me.
Once Kenny is ready,
we're out of here.
We will leave with or without you. If
you're not here, we're gone. Got it?
Okay, fine. That's totally fine.
Wait. Come here. I'd like to
have a chat with your friend.
- Are you kidding me?
- I am not kidding you.
Would you please have a seat.
What is going on?
So, Scottie P., what exactly
do you do for a living?
- Oh, Mom! SCOTTIE:
- I work for A & J Amusements.
I'm rocking that Monkey Maze,
you know what I'm saying?
- What the hell is the Monkey Maze?
- Oh, it's like a Terrifying Deathtrap...
...but for little kids.
You're working at the fair.
You're a carny.
No, I drive a motorcycle.
- Mm-hm.
- Mm-hm.
Yeah.
What about you guys? Where you, uh,
stopping in from, you know what I'm saying?
- Uh, D-town.
- Oh, Detroit.
No, no, no. The other one.
D-town. The other D-town.
- Denver...?
- That's the one. There you go.
- Colorado. David:
- That's the one.
Yeah, I love my Rockies,
you know what I'm saying?
Oh, you like the Rockies?
You're a baseball fan?
- Uh, no, the mountains.
- Of course.
Hey, those are cool tats, man.
Oh, for real. Thank you, bro.
You see the cobra?
- What's this? The one right there?
- Oh, this?
David: Uh-huh.
That's my credo. "No ragrets. "
Mm-hm. How about that.
- You have no regrets?
- Nope.
- Not one?
- Nope. Ha, ha.
I wish I did. To talk
about something.
Not one regret, huh?
That's how I been
living my whole life.
I went to a tattoo
artist, I was like:
"This how I live. Can you
put that on my body?"
- And he did it.
- Dad.
- Not even a single letter?
- No, I can't think of one.
I love all the letters,
know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
A lot of letters in the alphabet.
How many?
- It's in the 20s.
- It's definitely in the 20s, I agree.
Twenty-six, I think,
if you count Y.
Do you have any questions
for us, Scottie P?
Dad.
- How did you make her so hot?
- What's that?
- Uh, Casey.
- Aw, that's very sweet of you.
He wants to know how
we made Casey so hot.
- It's, uh...
- You guys had to...
David: - What'd you ask us?
... seminate, like, each other?
Uh... Sorry?
(MOUTHS) - Oh, my God.
Like, is there a way
to make them, like...
...attractive? Like, kids?
- Doggie style. Know what I mean? SCOTTIE:
- Dope.
(LAUGHS)
- Dad.
- Well, I love him. I think he's great.
A real winner. If I were you,
I wouldn't use protection.
Scottie P., you're the man.
- Yo, for real. Thanks, man.
- We're leaving. Bye!
- Nice meeting you. You do you, Scottie P.
SCOTTIE: - You too.
(ENGINE REVVING)
Rose: Casey, make good choices!
Come on, she's gonna be fine.
Tattooed kid on a
motorcycle, no helmet.
Actually, she might
already be pregnant.
I cannot believe her.
Where the hell is she?
Look who is concerned about
someone other than themselves.
What? I just want to
get back on the road.
No, I know.
That kid was a dickhead, huh?
- Right?
- Know what I'm saying?
- Ha! Jerk.
- Unbelievable.
Must get her shitty taste
in men from her mother.
I'm sorry. It was a cheap shot.
Cheap shot, okay?
I'm taking it back.
I'm sure your boyfriend
Jimmy is very nice.
He seems like a very good guy.
Well, he's not. He left.
Maxed out all my credit cards,
cleaned out my bank account...
...jetted out of town.
He stole my favorite mug. Which was a
pretty shitty thing to do. Even for him.
- I'm really sorry about that. That sucks.
- Whatever.
That's what you get for dating
a guy who dates strippers.
Ah, come on.
You're a lot more than that,
Rose, and you know it.
(CHUCKLES)
- What?
- Rose is not even my real name.
What's your real name?
Sarah.
With an "h"?
Yep. Right there at the end.
It's the best way to spell it.
- That's what my mother thought. Heh.
- Heh.
Well, David's not my
real name either.
- Really?
- I'm being serious.
Wow. So you're being ser...
Well, so then, what's
your real name?
Barbara.
- Barbara?
- Yeah, named after my Mom.
Oh, so, what are you,
like, a Barbara Jr.?
- You're Barbara Jr.
- You got it. Yeah, yeah.
My friends in high school and
grade school called me Babs.
Oh, scarred childhood.
Not really, not at all. I mean, I was in
musical theater, so I was actually revered.
Very funny.
You have a hair...
Yank, or put behind the ear?
Guess we could...
...tuck it back there.
(DOOR OPENS)
Whoa. What's going on in here?
We should ask you the same
thing, young lady! Huh?
- We've been worried sick.
- That's right.
Why are you guys
talking like that?
Shit, is someone here?
Yeah! Yeah, us. We're here.
That's who's here.
We didn't know if you were
dead in a ditch! Huh?
Rose: You couldn't have called?
Something?
Or send one of those text messages
you're always sending out?
"Hey, it's me, Casey, I'm not dead in a
ditch. " LOL, picture of a whale, YOLO.
- Anything!
- Okay.
Fine! Whatever!
Sorry.
- Whoa!
- Thank you!
Rose: Was that so hard?
David: Appreciate that.
- She learned a new word, Rose. Rose:
- Thank God. "I'm sorry. "
Un-fucking-believable.
It's gonna be great.
Oh! There he is. Kenny!
- Okay, let's go.
- Oh, my God, you look so much better.
- Doesn't he?
- Like a thousand bucks. Let's go.
- Come on, we gotta hurry. Come on!
- Take it easy!
- Will you just relax?!
- Look, I can't...
Rose: - Oh, great. - Aah!
Rose: Kenny. Kenny: That's my elbow.
Oh...
Rose: - Are you okay?
- I think so.
Look what happens when you run
around like a crazy person.
What do mean? He's fine. Come on,
Ken-doll, hop up. Here we go.
- What's wrong with you?
- What's wrong with me?
- David!
- Look, this job has a deadline...
...and it's in four
fucking hours.
If you think I'm gonna lose half a million
dollars because of Kenny's boo-boos...
- ... then you're out of your mind.
- Whoa. Wait a second.
You're making half a million
dollars on this deal?
- Uh, roughly.
- I cannot believe you.
Listen to me. I can explain.
You are making $500,000 and you
were only gonna pay me 30?
You're getting 30 grand?
I'm getting a thousand!
Wait, you guys are getting paid?
Rose: - You're a liar.
- No, no, no.
- We want to renegotiate.
- No. No way.
- What? David. David:
- No. No way.
You made your deal with me, I made my deal
with Brad. We're getting outta here.
See? Good. Casey gets it. We're
not renegotiating now. Let's go.
I believe we are, right now, because you
wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for us.
You're right about that.
I'd be in Denver now if it
wasn't for you slowing me down.
Are you shitting...? Slowing you down?
What the hell are you talking...?
Whoa, where the hell are you going?
Hey, hey!
Hey, I said where are you going?
You know what? You
leave, you get nothing.
I don't want your money, okay?
Casey, come back. We
have to stay together.
- Come on!
- Why?
Because we're a family? Huh?
You want to spend Christmas together?
Help me with my homework?
Please. This whole thing
has been a total joke.
Oh, no, I'll tell you what the joke is!
You want to know what the...?
The j...
I'm not gonna tell you the joke!
You don't deserve to hear the joke!
Let's go.
- I don't think you knew the joke.
- I knew a joke.
We have to go back and get her.
What? Are you kidding me? She left!
Screw her, okay?
Are you coming with
me or not, Rose?
Fine. I'll slide your check under your door.
Kenny, let's go.
Kenny, come on! Let's go, man.
We can't leave her, David.
It's not right.
- You know what?
- What?
You all deserve each other.
Da... Wha...?
He'll come back.
Right?
SCOTTIE: Yo, girl!
- I got your text. What's up?
- Hey.
Are you alone?
Yeah. You think we can go
someplace private and talk?
I know just the spot, you know
what I'm saying? Heh-heh.
(BRAD SINGING SCALES)
A little better.
See, you're not in synch
with what I'm doing.
I'm just playing a major scale,
but, um, we can move it down.
- Let's move it.
- Shitty scale.
Stop talking. Just
shut the fuck up.
(PHONE BUZZING)
- Hey, what's up?
- Hey, Brad.
I'm just getting some singing lessons
from my main man Ben Folds Five.
- Ain't that right, Ben Folds Five?
- My name is Ben Folds.
"Five" is the name of the band.
You're fucking with me.
I love it.
You gotta meet this guy.
Benji Five is a laugh riot.
Remember that song "Brick"
we used to listen to?
(SINGING) She's a brick
and I'm drowning slowly.
It's... I've got... It's that guy.
I fucking got that guy.
He's like my personal bitch.
- Listen, is everything okay?
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Uh, things are fine.
I'm about 200 miles away. I'll be
there in three hours, all right?
- All right. Peace.
- Agh, fucking asshole.
Scales. Let's do this.
This gig sucks.
Don't talk to me like that.
I will have you killed.
And no one will miss
your fucking nerd music.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
MAN: (ON RADIO) Sunday,
Sunday, Sunday!
Great. That's loud.
(TLC'S "WATERFALLS"
PLAYING ON RADIO)
(CHUCKLES)
(MUSIC STOPS)
Yeah, nice try, radio.
Nice try. Heh.
Okay. Ahem.
Let's get there.
Hoo.
Quiet.
And I knew better too.
But we were all on
the road together...
...and it got kind
of fun, you know?
Yeah. Uh-huh.
And I started thinking of
us as kind of like this...
Whatever, it's stupid.
- Fuck them.
- Yeah, fuck them.
Yo, right now, girl, Scottie P.
Is gonna make
you feel real good,
know what I'm saying?
- Ha-ha.
- Uh, heh.
I'm sorry, I'm just feeling
kind of cry-ey and that...
- I'm just gonna go, okay?
- Come on, girl.
- You texted me. You know what's up.
- Scottie.
Rose: Hey!
Get your hands off of her!
Come here, Casey.
You put your hands
on her again...
...I will rip that fucking
tattoo right off of your chest.
You know what I'm saying?
- Oh, really, bitch?
- Yeah, bitch.
You know what? Why don't you
leave the girls alone, man.
What are you gonna do, eyebrows?
One...
...two...
(SCOTTIE GROANS)
SCOTTIE: Ow! Broke my nose!
You're an aggressive woman.
Know what I'm saying?
Are you okay?
I'm fine. That was awesome.
You fucking decked him!
I've dealt with handsy
assholes like him at work.
Let's just get out of here.
Thanks for the backup.
Why the counting?
If you're gonna punch
someone, punch them on one.
Well, David told me to count.
David? David hasn't
punched anybody ever.
I think this Way. Exit.
(HUMS FANFARE)
I have returned.
(CONTINUES FANFARE)
Ha-ha-ha. So here's
what happened, okay?
I'm out on the open road,
just by myself, right?
And I'm just beelining
it to a huge payday.
And I start to realize
something: It's boring in here.
So I thought, "You know
what you gotta do, dummy?"
"You gotta turn this RV around and
go back and get those dip sticks. "
Heh. I'm just kidding,
you're not dip sticks.
What do you say we go home?
Come on, let's go.
Hey, David? Go fuck yourself.
Uh...? Ha!
"Go fuck yourself. "
"You go fuck yourself. "
Rose, you say, "Go
fuck yourself. " Then.
Kenny's like, "I don't
want to fuck anybody. "
This is what I miss, right? The
Ping-Pong action, the repartee.
Come on, guys. Let's get
out of here, go home.
Get in the RV, go home,
get out of here.
Come on, let's go!
- Whoa, hey, hold on. Where you going?
- Are you serious?
Look, look, look. Okay.
I know what this is
about, and I get it.
All right? We're gonna
split the $500,000.
Evenly. Betwixt the four of us.
You guys get what I'm saying here?
Kenny, you wanna be like this: "Pfft!"
Like you're from... Right? That's
a lot of video games, kiddo.
All right, Casey, you can buy a
house, and run away from it.
You know what I mean? Like, whatever.
You get $125,000.
You get $125,000.
You get a... I mean, I'm like
fucking Oprah here. You know?
If she was a white dude
at a carnival. Heh.
Come on, guys. Let's
get in the RV...
...and take our butts
back to Denver where
we're gonna be rich and
we're gonna get paid.
(HUMMING)
- Come on, come on.
- Uh, David, listen.
You misled us. You left us.
And then you come waltzing
back in here all...
I don't know what the
hell that was...
...and you just expect that
we all just forget about it.
What's wrong with you?
How do we trust you?
(GROANS)
Okay, look, what do you want?
Do you want me to beg?
Kids? What do you think?
- That would make me feel a lot better.
- Works for me. Sure.
You're joking.
Wha...?
You really want me to get on my knees?
And beg you?
It's a good thing I'm
wearing my begging pants.
I usually only do
this before sex.
Okay, okay, I'm going, I'm going.
Please, please.
Ahem. Let's do it. Here we go.
Okay! To the RV, let's go.
Come on, Babs.
(LAUGHS)
David: Whoa, whoa. Slow down.
There's clowns everywhere.
Here, let Pops get in here.
We're right down here. I
parked it next to an RV.
(EDIE & MELISSA
SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
(EDIE GASPS)
- Melissa.
- Kenny.
- Rose!
- Edie.
- Shit.
- Shit.
I never get used
to that language.
What in the H-E-L-L are
you people doing here?
Uh... Uh, uh...
- We came to see the fireworks.
- Yeah. Fireworks.
Us too! That's so weird! They're
supposed to be amazing here.
- Melissa, can we talk?
- No.
- Mom, come on, let's go.
- Melissa!
Why are you being so rude?
Do you have your period?
Do you need a tampin?
Mom, I don't need a tampin. I don't
want to be near these people.
- Kenny. Let's go.
- We should get out of here.
- What happened last night was wrong.
- Oh, boy.
(GASPS)
Oh, my God, she knows.
My daughter knows
what we've done.
Melissa, yes, it was wrong of me
to fondle Mrs. Miller's breasts.
You're right. I'm not gonna deny that it
gave me a certain amount of pleasure.
That said, your father and I are struggling
with some serious intimacy issues.
Okay, no, stop!
I'm not as tight as I once was.
- Look...
- He just falls right out.
It's like throwing a hot
dog down a hallway.
Ew! What are you talking about?
I saw Kenny making out with his sister
and mother while their Dad watched.
What? Oh, my...!
- It wasn't quite like that.
- That's not exactly what happened.
Rose isn't my Mom, she's not my sister.
We're not a real family.
Rose: That's enough, son!
What are you saying?
He's been drinking. It's hard to understand.
He's being ridiculous.
David hired us to help him
smuggle drugs across the border.
You're drug dealers?
No! No, we're drug smugglers.
There's a difference.
There's not a difference.
Okay, Edie, we can
explain, all right?
Rose: This is a small misunderstanding.
It really is.
When he says "smuggle," he
doesn't know what he's saying.
- It's not drugs.
- He doesn't know what drugs are.
Seriously. It's just
a little Tequila.
What?
Oh, my God!
- Hey. Ah, thank God you're alive.
Rose: He's got a gun!
Listen! Hey, hey, hey. No, no!
Wait, wait, wait!
(DON GRUNTS)
This is gonna be fun!
(GRUNTING)
(PANTING)
I still got it.
Don's a badass.
Oh, Don.
Melissa, go find a
police officer.
Okay, Don. Don, listen to me.
No. Drug smuggling, David?
And to think of the
moment we shared.
No, Don, there's another guy.
I don't want to hear
about other men!
What? No! No, no! No! There's
another guy trying to kill us!
What? Who?
Pablo Chacon.
Pablo Chacon.
Buenas noches, Millers.
What is he saying?
What does that mean?
It's a familiar
Mexican greeting.
You in the short jeans and the
funny mustache, give me the gun.
Melissa.
And the mug.
Please don't hurt her.
- Take her.
- Are you okay? It's okay.
Now the keys, please.
Here. Here, here, here.
Okay, great. You have your drugs,
so you don't have to kill us.
Oh, I don't have
to kill you, huh?
You take my drugs.
You make me cross the border
into this fucked-up country.
You try to burn my
face with steam!
- I'm sorry.
- You destroy my car!
And I don't like what you do
to my man every time we meet.
You are the worst
family I've ever met.
But, you're right, I
don't have to kill you.
I want to kill you. All of you.
Stop. Stop.
Don't do this. Don't
kill these people.
This is all my fault. I'm the one that
did this. I'm the drug dealer here.
This is an innocent family...
...in the wrong place at
the wrong time. Okay?
And this kid?
This kid's got the biggest fucking
heart I've ever seen in my life.
And I'm lucky to
call him a friend.
Man, an hour ago, I would have
killed this girl for you.
But she's tough as hell.
And a lot smarter than me.
And this one.
You. Sarah.
You're the strongest
woman I've ever met.
And you'd make a great Mom.
I love all of them.
Don't kill them.
Please.
Just kill me.
- Tell you what, I'll make a deal, okay?
- Okay.
I kill you first so you don't
watch your family die.
(FIREWORKS POPPING)
(ALL SHOUTING)
(PABLO GROANS)
Kenny: David.
Melissa: Kenny!
That was amazing!
I'd like to think I
taught him that.
Melissa: Mm.
- I know I taught him that.
Put that tongue back in
your mouth, young man.
Oh.
Wow.
- You kiss a lot better than my sister.
- Hey!
- One, two, three.
- Mm-hm.
Well, Mr. Chacon, on behalf of
the United States of America...
...I'd like to welcome
you to our country.
Grab a seat.
Sorry you won't get to
experience the freedom part.
Don, you're my hero.
(BOTH MOANING)
I want you to use those
zip ties tonight.
(DON GIGGLES)
Here.
Thank you, David.
- We're gonna go.
- Not so fast.
Edie: Oh, no, Don.
Melissa: Dad, please.
Girls, hush.
I believe that you
are good people.
But you broke the law.
All of you.
And worse than that, you put my wife
and daughter's lives in danger.
- Sorry.
- Gonna have to place you under arrest.
Edie: Don, why? Melissa:
No, Dad, don't.
DON: And I'm gonna
do just that...
...right after I turn around...
...and hug my family.
David, come on.
Brad: It's all here!
I am blown away, David.
Great job.
But it's late.
Deadline was last night,
so, sorry, buddy, no deal.
Brad, I almost got killed
over this shit. Twice.
I'm not gonna be an asshole about this.
I got two tons of premium weed.
Yes! And you got Chacon
pinched in the process...
- ... which is a huge win for team Brad.
- Mm-hm.
So how about we shake
hands and call it even.
(SCOFFS)
- You were never gonna pay me, were you?
- Oh! Bingo. Heh-heh.
Was that a dick move? I
can't even tell anymore.
(ALL SHOUTING)
AGENT 1: Move! AGENT 2: Go!
Go! Go!
DEA!
- Down, down, down! AGENT 3:
- Get on the ground! Freeze!
Clear!
You double-crossed me.
Kind of a dick move, right?
Brad: You got nothing on me!
Nothing at all.
Oh, shit! Look at this guy.
Who let in 50 Cent?
- Nice work, David.
- Thank you, Don.
Now, I know you don't
get your money...
...but doing the right thing had
to feel a whole lot better.
No.
All right, maybe a little bit.
As promised, in exchange for your testimony
against Chacon and Gurdlinger...
...we have to keep you in witness
protection for three to six months.
- Just me?
- Just you.
Oh. And any other
witnesses to the crime.
(BICYCLE BELL RINGS)
David: (ON COMPUTER) There you are.
Rose: I don't care.
- Look at this hot nerd. David:
- Rub some dirt on it.
- What are you doing?
- Look at this.
(CHATTERING OVER COMPUTER)
You gotta tell Casey to
stop posting this stuff.
It's already got a
million hits...
...and growing.
Okay, okay, I'll tell her after lunch.
Oof, you know what else?
I can see down your tank top.
- Dan: Hey there.
- Hey.
- Wanted to introduce ourselves. I'm Dan.
- Hey, Dan.
My wife, Kathy.
We just moved in.
David: Hello.
- We're the Johnsons.
Oh, great. Welcome
to the neighborhood.
Hey, guys. Come here.
Come meet our neighbors.
I'm David.
And this is my
family right here.
This is my son, Kenny.
My daughter, Casey.
- And this is my wife, Sarah.
- Nice to meet you.
- We're the Millers. Dan:
- Ah. Pleasure.
Thanks for saying hi. All
right, take care now.
Kathy:
- See you soon. Bye. - Bye.
Rose: I don't like them. David:
I don't like them either.
Why introduce yourself? I
mean, who the fuck are you?
Rose: I can't believe this.
We're stuck in the suburbs.
David: Now, this sucks.
I can't wait for the
trial to be over.
Gotta get outta here.
Stick to the big A.
- Anal.
- Abstinence, you meant.
- Neither makes a baby.
- He confuses...
Oscars! For all of you!
That's very nice of you, but we're
not that good of an actor, no.
(CREW LAUGHING)
- Those guys are picking on that girl.
- Where?
(KENNY LAUGHING)
- I'll never forget these moments.
- What?
- And I hope you don't either.
- Ha-ha-ha.
MAN: And, action.
It takes two men to
open this mini-fridge.
Aah!
It's literally so hard!
- Okay, you guys, seriously,
you're mak... CREW: - Ha-ha-ha!
MAN: Look, look, look.
- Ha, ha!
- Leave the girls alone.
What are you gonna do, freckles?
What are you gonna do, Don Knotts?
What are you gonna do,
guy with great posture?
(GRUNTS)
SCOTTIE: Ow! Broke my nose!
I'm terrified of blood,
you know what I'm saying?
You just deviated my septum,
you know what I'm saying?
Uh, I want a Band-Aid.
Rose: - Closed?
- They're closed. Till morning.
Oklahoma. Oh, poop.
Cheese and rice.
Ants on a log.
Poop on a Popsicle.
Oh, cock marbles.
- Oh, fuck. Rose: - Ha-ha-ha.
(GRUNTING)
(BOTH GIGGLING)
(CREW LAUGHING)
It just stopped at
a certain point...
...and you just couldn't
insert it any more.
Well, I just looked like I had,
like, a Stormtrooper dick.
(ALL LAUGHING)
So I'm just gonna... There we go.
There they are.
This is crazy.
Those are just gorgeous,
gorgeous, gorgeous breasts.
(SNORTS)
MAN 1: Cut! All right. Cut.
MAN 2: - And, action. - Whoo!
How about a little
victory music, shall we?
Yes, please.
(THE REMBRANDTS' "I'LL BE THERE
FOR YOU" PLAYING ON RADIO)
- I love this song!
- This is awesome!
(DAVID WHOOPS)
(SINGING) You're job's a joke,
you're broke Your love life's D.O.A.
I'll be there for you.
When the rain starts to fall.
I'll be there for you
'Cause you're
there for me too.
That was really good.
(ALL LAUGHING)
That's very funny.
ONE-EYE: Adis, Millers.