What We Do in the Shadows (2014) Movie Script
1
So it's 6 PM in the night time...
... which is when I wake up.
This is always really scary part for me.
Yes! Night time.
So, now I'm going to wake up
my flat mates.
I really love living in a flatting situation.
Wake up!
Wake up everyone!
I like to hang out with other vampires.
I like the company.
Awaken!
A wakey, wakey!
I just really like having a good time
with my friends.
Deacon...
Hi!
Hey!
Deacon...
How was your night, last night?
I transformed into a dog and had sex.
Cool!
We're gonna have a little flat-meeting
in the kitchen in about 15 minutes, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Should I close this?
- Yes.
Vladislav?!
Sorry! Sorry!
What?
- Hey!
- What time is it?
Umm, we're going to have a flat-meeting
in about 10 minutes.
Okay... is it...
So we're...
...in Petyr's room.
I'm just going to wake him up.
Petyr?
Petyr?!
Petyr, wake up.
Hey, listen. We're just having a flat-meeting
upstairs in about 10 minutes.
You don't have to come but I thought I'd
extend an invitation to you just in case.
Umm....
There's a lot of stuff on
the floor down here, Petyr, and...
... like this seems, I don't... AH!
It's a spinal column, yuck!
And I was thinking, maybe...
... I just should bring a broom
down here for you
if you wanted to sweep up
some of the skeletons.
I don't know.
You know...
Okay.
I got you this chicken.
Is Petyr coming?
- Should we be worried?
- Petyr's...
... 8000 years old.
We're not going to have Petyr at the meeting.
Okay, so...
Wanted to have a quick chat
about flat responsibilities because
uh...guys I think that we're
not all pulling our weight here.
We're not just pointing the finger at you, Deacon.
You're a cool guy but you're
not pulling your weight in the flat.
Well, I'm glad to hear that I'm cool.
- No, that's not the point though...
- Yeah, no, I know...
It's not a flat meeting about how cool you are.
- I do my flat chores.
- No, you don't!
- Yes, I do
- No, that's why we're having the flat-meeting.
The point is Deacon that you
have not done the dishes for 5 years.
Vladislav is right.
It's unacceptable to have so many
bloody dishes all over the bench like that...
I'm so embarrassed when people come over here.
Why does it matter?!
You bring them over to kill them!
Vampires don't do dishes.
Deacon's like the rebellious young vampire.
He's always doing crazy things.
Saying crazy things.
He's just like the young, bad boy of the group.
Okay, so...
One day I was...
... selling my wears...
And I walked passed this old creepy castle.
and I look at it and think...
... 'very old and creepy.'
And then this creature...
... flies at me!
It dragged me back to this dark dungeon.
And bit into my neck.
And just at the point of death...
... this creature...
... forced me to suck its foul blood.
And then...
... it opened it's wings, like this.
And hovered above me.
Screeching.
'Now you are vampire.'
And it was Petyr.
And we're still friends today.
Vlad, you are great.
You put out the recycling.
Which was really cool.
And!
The other day, I dragged mans body down the hallway,
and noticed that there was no dust.
Like, I kind of... I kind of swept the hallway.
Vladislav, is just like...
... this older vampire who
grew up in the medieval times.
And you know, to be living this long
and to have seen the things that he's seen
and still like, kind of have it together,
I mean, hat's off to him.
Bloody hell!
Sorry!
He's a really great guy.
A bit a of a pervert.
He has some pretty old ideas about things.
We should get some slaves!
When I first became a vampire...
... I was quite tyrannical.
I was known for torturing a lot of people.
This is my torture chamber.
I don't come in here, often anymore.
I tempted to torture when
I was in a bad place.
My thing was, I would poke someone
with implements.
I was known as 'Vladislav the poker'.
It's been like this the whole time...
- Okay, so...
- Viago is a little...
... pedantic.
The washing and the rubbish, I did that.
Deacon, on dishes and
it's still hasn't moved in 5 years.
He was an 18th century dandy.
So, he can be very fussy.
He nags and nags...
The lunch the other day and
it was blood all over my nice antique couch.
Which one, the red one?
Well, it's red now, yah.
If you're going to eat a victim
on my nice clean couch
put down some newspaper on the floor
and some towels.
It's not hard to do.
We're vampires!
We don't put down towels.
Some vampires do.
Well, not serious ones!
When you get 4 vampires in a flat
obviously there's going to be a lot of tension.
There's tension in any, any flatting situation.
It's settled then. We all do our jobs,
starting with a certain Deacon...
I will do my dishes!
This is bullshit.
Well, I became a vampire when I was 16.
That is why I always look 16.
In those days, of course,
life was tough for a 16 year old.
Vampires have had a pretty bad rec.
We're not these mopey
old creatures who live in castles.
And while some, most of us are, a lot are... bats.
There are also, those of us,
who like to flat together in
really small countries like New Zealand.
I was a Nazi vampire.
After the war, which the Nazi's lost...
I don't know,
if you know that the Nazi's lost...
... that war.
If you were a Nazi, after the war...
...and if you were a vampire...
... and if you were a Nazi vampire...
No way.
I was out of there.
Yah, I came to this country for love.
Uh, there was a girl. Human girl.
And...
... I...
... thought she was fantastic.
She was...
... absolutely amazing.
I was smitten.
Her family emigrated to New Zealand.
And, I thought,
'you know what, to hell with it.
I'm gonna go. I'm going to chase her
and tell her how I feel.'
I told my servant Phillip,
'Send me to New Zealand.'
He...
... put the wrong postage on my coffin.
So the whole journey took about 18 months.
And when I got here, she had...
... found someone else.
She had fallen in love.
And...
She was married.
She gave me this before she left.
There she is.
That's me, I put myself in there too.
She told me in was pure silver.
Unfortunately...
... we vampires can not wear silver.
Yeah...
It's about as long as I can wear that.
Tonight, we are going out
into Wellington center.
It is important that we look good.
Yeah, it's really good. Yeah.
One of the unfortunate things about
not having a reflection is that you...
... don't know exactly what you look like.
Look!
A ghost cup!
Floating all by itself!
We can give each other feedback and
help each other out until
we're looking great.
Yes, some of our clothes are from victims.
We might bite someone and then...
... you think,
'ooh, those are some nice pants!'.
- Do work these?
- NO!
Change it!
When you are a vampire,
you become very sexy.
We are trying to attract victims to us.
Not sure about the waist coat.
I go for a look which I call
Dead But Delicious.
We are the bait.
But we're also the trap.
Hello, ladies.
And my love, we are ready to go
into town and party!
Vampire... vampire style.
When we go into town,
we must try to blend in.
We are walking the streets.
Coming into town.
Um, it's really cool because
just for one brief moment
I feel...
Homos!
The trouble with being a vampire is you
have to be invited in, to go in.
We would like to come into the bar, please.
Invite us into the bar, please.
Keep walking.
You invite us in!
If the humans find out what we were...
... they would destroy us.
There are between 60 and 70 vampires
in the greater Wellington region.
- Obvious vampire.
- Joline!
Hello!
How embarrassing.
He's a guy I used to work with
when I was human.
- Is he gone?
- Yeah, he's gone.
I've been draining him all night.
Been a very thirsty girl.
Being bitten as a little boy or a little girl
you always going to look the same age.
What are you doing tonight?
Going to kill some perverts?
- Yeah, we're meeting a pedophile.
- Cool.
Okay, let's just go please.
- Have a good night, guys!
- Yeah, you have a good night!
The Big Kumara is vampire owned and operated,
so we could always get in.
It's the hottest night spot
for vampires in Wellington.
- Come on in, guys, come on in.
- Thank you.
Perhaps you could bring
some people to the house.
- Sure.
- Perhaps some virgins?
Virgins? Yep, okay.
Any kind of preference in terms of gender or?
Maybe some ladies?
Yep. Ladies.
Perhaps a guy?
One of each?
One of each should be cool.
My relationship with Deacon is...
... well, I'm his familiar.
He's my Master.
He tells me what to do, I do it.
We have the kind of master-servant
relationship which works nicely.
Actually.
- Hello!
- Hello.
Oh, it's a little bit of blood.
Um, my husband, he's a,
he's a hemophiliac.
You know, someone who bleeds a lot.
Yeah.
Any kind of age range?
- Young.
- But not, not kids?
Not kids.
18 to 30?
Definitely younger than yourself.
Okay, so 18 to 30.
So it's a dinner party?
- I'll be there?
- Yes!
- Dinner party.
- The guys we'll be there?
Yes.
- We will all be there?
- Yes, we will dress up.
- Okay, great.
- And then... eat them.
- Should be fun.
- Okay, great.
I was just wondering
if we could talk about the...
You don't know of a night dentist?
Because I have this thing here.
I was just wondering if
we could talk about the deal.
- Hm?
- The deal.
- The dishes?
- No, the...
The deal is that he is going
to give me eternal life.
Um, which is...
... very exciting.
Well, I just feel like I kind of
reached my potential and
I wouldn't want to kind of,
get any older before, I kind of...
I just feel like I'm the best version
of myself that I can be.
It's just that it's been
4 and a half years and I just
I just want... doing your plans and...
Doing your dry-cleaning.
Now I'm doing your dishes.
Yeah... the dentist?
And the dentist and it's just taking
an awful long time, so I was just wondering...
- Be gone!
- Okay.
- I see you later!
- Okay.
One of the most unfortunate things
about being a vampire is that...
... you have to drink human blood.
I like to make a real evening of it.
Play some music.
Maybe give them some nice wine.
It's their last moment alive so
why not make it a nice experience.
So...
Tell we what you do, what do you...
I was thinking about
going back to Uni, actually.
Oh, you are?
Lets put this over
there.
University, yeah?
Yeah, but after that,
I'm gonna travel.
Yeah...
I really wanted
to go over seas for ages, so..
Saving out and I'm gonna go to Spain and
Italy and London and...
Yeah.
Okay. Excuse me.
Just put that there.
There we go.
Shit!
Well, that didn't go so great.
Um, I hit the main artery.
So, yeah, it's a real mess in there, um...
On the upside,
I think she had a really good time.
So, it's quite late and uh...
I've managed to find a woman up,
watching television.
And, uh, she seems like
she'd be a good victim.
I'm just going to use hypnosis on her...
See me...
See me...
She can't, she can't see me
from that angle.
Vladislav used to be extremely powerful.
He could hypnotize crowds of people.
Great orgies. 20-30 women.
He could turn into all sorts of animals.
But now he never get the faces right.
He would kill anybody.
Men, women.
Children. Burning... everything.
It was totally great.
But he suffered a humiliating defeat...
... at the hands of his arch nemesis...
... The Beast.
And, he's never been the same.
See me...
See me...
See me...
See me...
Would you like to come inside?
Ah!
- Jackie, welcome! Come in.
- Hello.
This is Nick. Ex-ex boyfriend.
- And Josefine.
- Nice house.
And this is Deacon,
my over seas friend from Europe.
Deacon and his friends need...
... victims.
Hi! Please come in, welcome.
There can't be people that...
... I actually
envious them or like because of course
they will become victims.
Hi! Josefine?
No, I sat next to you in English.
Remember?
Um, you used to call me the Jacksersist?
No you did, no you did. Yeah.
No, you started that.
You were the one who started calling me that and
then it kind of caught on.
Yeah.
Okay, bye then. Bye.
She's in.
You like that, Nick?
Yep, it's nice.
I will go and prepare dinner.
Nick, are you a virgin at all?
Um, what?
Doesn't seem like... are, are you a virgin?
- Yes.
- Um, no.
You were a virgin when
we were seeing each other?
Yeah, I was 12.
You said he was a virgin.
I think we drink virgin blood because...
... it sounds cool.
I think of it like this...
If you're going to eat a sandwich..
You will just enjoy it more if
you knew no one had fucked it.
Let's concentrate on Josefine than.
Are you a virgin?
I'm not, no.
Okay, I'm really sorry.
Because I totally...
Him there is a Virgin.
She looks like a virgin.
She talks like a virgin, I mean...
Who would have sex with her, I wouldn't.
I would.
Oh.
Okay, good.
- It's 2 dinners... yum.
- Nick.
Do you like bisghetti?
Uh... yep.
I usually like it.
But, be better if it was warm?
So, this is my favorite trick.
We present our guest with a plate of bisghetti.
And then, I would say,
' Why don't you eat some bisghetti?'
Please, Nick.
Eat some bisghetti.
I didn't realize you enjoy eating worms.
Nick.
- No...
- They are worms.
There's worms moving around on my plate.
Worm like but not actually...
There's worms moving around on my plate.
Worm like but not actually...
We stole that idea from The Lost Boys.
But I put a nice twist on it.
Nick.
How does it feel to
have a snake for a penis?
Jackie?
My penis has disappeared.
It's a cobra snake.
Nobody is gonna mistake
your penis for a cobra, Nick, okay?
- Believe me.
- What have you put in my bisghetti?
No, it is just a normal penis.
I'm out. I'm out.
Josefine?
Do you like bisghetti?
Look, these freaks...
... spike my bisghetti,
make my cock turn into a snake is not cool.
Not cool.
You don't think this is weird?
For fuck sakes...
Jackie?!
Jackie!
- Sorry Nick.
- What are you doing?!
Jackie!
Shit!
Fuck off.
Where am I?
Fuck.
Fuck!
Freaks!
Ah, no...
Petyr got him.
Poor guy...
Who let Petyr out?
Hey, guys!
Hey, what are you guys doing?
What are you doing, Nick?
Come into the house.
- Hi, my name is Nick.
- Hey, guys.
I've been a vampire for 2 months.
Probably, I reckon best thing
about being a vampire is flying.
Like I've always wanted to,
I think everyone has always wanted to fly.
And now I can do it.
Oh...
Nick, why don't you use the front door?
Why would I? I'm flying.
Petyr bit me.
Sucked all my blood out.
I woke up in his basement and...
... he offered me some blood.
I just thought it was something...
... some German thing that these guys do.
This transition, into becoming
a vampire was pretty hard.
I look like shit to start off with, like,
I had a massive gash on my neck.
Like you could see the inside of my neck.
I had blood all over my top.
And then I came home and
I was sweating.
I was either really hot or really cold.
It was like a hang-over times 10, I reckon.
It was really bad.
It was quite similar to having the flu.
Except, the only difference
would probably be...
... that my eyes bleed heaps.
Are you guys not cold?
No, I can't really explain it.
It's like, yeah, really hot and cold and like...
... bloody eyes and flying and stuff.
The neighbors can see you
flying around the house.
You want to draw attention
to his house, hm?
You got a whole...
documentary crew following you around.
I am doing an erotic dance for my friends.
And you ruined it.
I was in the zone.
My friends are loving it.
I love it. I saw the end of it.
It looked great.
I don't, I don't know,
if I'm, if I'm accepted yet.
But... I don't know.
I think it's getting there.
I don't know the oldest stuff,
but they're quite naive...
... when it comes to the real world.
So...
I don't know,
it would be cool to just...
Hang out with them.
They could teach me some stuff.
But I could probably
teach them a few things.
At the start it was like, 'Oh no, like I'm..'
'... I'm dead.'
It kind of affected my friendship with normal people,
my family and stuff.
But, of the way I see it,
I've got a whole new family.
They accept me for who I am.
They don't even seem to know who they are.
Even though...
... one of them killed me.
Where should we go tonight?
Let's go to the big Kumara.
Why don't we go to Boogie Wonderland?
We never get in to Boogie Wonderland.
My friend Richard's the bouncer.
He can get us in.
- What? Really?
- I'll invite us in.
- Stu is game.
- He will come with us too?
Ah, this is my friend Stu.
- Hey.
- He works in computers and stuff.
Originally he went out with my sister.
And then they broke up.
I didn't want her to do it, but...
It's got nothing to do with me.
And um... he can't hear me.
Yeah, so basically...
Stu doesn't know that I'm a vampire.
And he doesn't know that
my friends are vampires.
He just thinks that I'm just...
... with some powerful friends.
I bought a room in the house and
he thought I bought a meal.
Just like...
... it really, really sucks...
... that I can't eat him.
I just want to like...
Look at it.
He's the reddest guy I know.
Right, you can hear me.
- Like computer based and stuff, heh, mainly?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Databases.
- Yeah, like computers mainly.
Let's have a vote for Boogie Wonderland
or The Big Kumara.
Big Kumara!
Wait.
Come on Stu, hurry up.
I don't think Nick should have been
turned into a vampire.
He's such a dick.
Looking great man!
You are most welcome!
We're in Boogie Wonderland!
Here we are at Boogie Wonderland
and it is so much fun.
This is amazing!
I'm so happy to be here.
This is pretty cheesy.
Also, did you see the jacket he wore?
He's wearing the same jacket as me.
- It's not exactly the same.
- It's pretty close.
I'm just loving being a vampire.
Over there, is the big Fat Lady's Arms.
Ah, on Wednesday's there be,
like fear factor competition.
You can win like t-shirts and
hats and small prizes.
I can smell werewolves.
Okay, we're just about to walk passed some werewolves
so some shit might go down!
Look out guys. Don't catch flees.
- What's that, mate?
- Deacon.
- Sorry what?
- Keep going, keep walking.
- Keep walking!
- We heard that, mate. We've got sensitive hearing.
- Have you?
- Yeah.
What are you filming?
It's a music video, is it?
We don't want any trouble.
- Why did you start it?
- Well, I do. Have I got your heckles up?
Huh?
Why don't you girls smell
your own crutches, huh?
- Come on. It's not worth it.
- What are you talking about?
We don't smell our own crutches.
We smell each others crutches.
And it's a... form of... greeting.
Your own camera, mate, don't, don't...
What?
It's okay, cause I know this guy.
It's count Fagula.
Hey, hey, hey! Don't swear.
- Sorry... they... they...
- We're werewolves.
- Not swearwolves.
- What are we?
We're werewolves, not swearwolves.
- No, listen, that's offensive...
- That's a really offensive word to call people.
Well, at least you're talking
about a bundle of sticks.
Please, this bundle of sticks...
Werewolves?
- No, no, no!
- Don't get it! Nathan it's not real.
He's just gonna take of his gloves.
Ah, shit, man!
Why the fuck did you do that for?
Hey! Don't swear.
We're gonna lose it. We're gonna lose it.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Hey.
Calm down. Calm down!
- Get the fuck my glasses!
- Dion! Dion!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Do the breathing! Do the breathing.
Do the breathing.
Count to 10, mate. Count to 10.
- Come on.
- Hold it.
Count to 10, human again.
- 10, human again.
- It's alright. It's not full moon.
Thanks a lot guys.
- Enjoy your night, yah?
- You should be ashamed of yourselves, man.
Great, we didn't want this to happen.
- Come on guys.
- Hey!
Say it! Don't spray it, bitch!
Declan!
- Why are you swearing all the time?!
- Well, he ride with me...
- Were they actually werewolves?
- Yeah.
Are you okay, Stu?
I just don't really know how to...
... approach this,
cause I never done it before.
Um, and he is a good friend.
And I don't wanna...
... I don't want to break that friendship but..
... then again, what do you do when
someone tells you, that they're a vampire?
I'm expecting him to be angry.
He might be scared and expecting
lot of things to, to bubble to the surface.
You probably noticed, it has been...
... I've been going through a few changes lately.
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
Yeah.
Like...
I don't show up for lunch anymore.
- Yeah.
- Have...
... changed the story of all of Tina's games.
The night time, Tina's games.
Right...
And how you went from beating me
every time and how I
I've won the last 3?
Yeah.
So...
The reason I brought you here...
... is to tell you that...
... I'm a vampire.
Stu took it pretty well.
He's definitely my best mate.
And I'm not gonna eat him.
But if they ever offer you bisghetti...
Um.... you shouldn't eat it.
They offered me biscotti.
Vampire mates don't eat human mates.
And no matter how much I want to eat him...
... I will never eat him cause he's my mate.
- Right, Stu?
- Yah.
Yeah.
Stu is great.
We really like him.
At first I wanted to kill him.
But now I'm glad I've spent
the time to get to know him.
Yeah, of course he looks delicious
with his big red cheeks.
But we've all got an agreement
that we're not going to eat Stu.
- Right?
- Right.
The guys upstairs, they...
They're loving him.
That's ... it started off with,
'Who's this human you're bringing into the house?'
But it took them literally 2 minutes and
they like him more than
they like me, I reckon.
I'm knitting a scarf for Stu.
Try it again. Use your legs.
Wow.
- Step back...
- Punching high.
- Yep.
- Hi.
Yep.
I'm just, what I'm trying to say is...
... cause I know that you...
... you turned me into a vampire.
Maybe don't do that to him.
He's a... vegetarian.
Last thing he'd want to is eat...
... a life-being or eat blood or eat meat...
- I am controlling this.
- Get it, get it!
Quite amazing to see how far
technology can go forward
if you're not paying attention.
One message received.
There is a crucifix behind you.
So, done on it, or like,
half way down and focus it.
Maybe smile.
- Anything you want to find, you...
- Yeah.
- You can type your name here.
- I've lost...
... a really nice silk scarf in about 1912.
Yes, now Google it.
Stu is the first human friend
that I've had for long time.
With humans there's a tendency to die.
Yeah.
We can look at her photos.
- Ah, oh yes.
- Or you can poke her.
Yes.
Can we see a movie with sunrise?
- What? Shit!
- Whoo...
Nice...
If you push images,
than we can see pictures of virgins.
- Ah, yes. Yes.
- Yah, yah...
I don't think she's a virgin if she's doing that.
There he is, yeah.
This is my old servant, Phillip.
- So, we're gonna call him.
- Yeah.
And...
...screen...
My God, that's him, that's him,
that's him, that's Phillip, that's Phillip.
- He looks old.
Yeah, kind of like youth romance,
but like more, more layers.
Maybe Twilight, have you seen it?
Okay, I'm the main guy in Twilight.
You now the main guy?
Twilight?
That's me.
Cameras following me around.
They could have chosen anyone.
How many people have you told
you are a vampire?
- Not many.
- I heard that girl...
... talking about that
you said you were a vampire.
Yeah, I told her.
- Who else?
- Who did you tell?
Uh, I told her hot friend.
You can't tell everyone that you're a vampire.
Who's that guy?
I don't know but I told him.
You can't tell everyone.
Yeah, I've got a bit of an eye condition.
What's wrong with him?
Um, vampire eyes.
Can't go into the sun.
Oh, my God, is that your fangs?
For real?
For real, real.
For real, real.
I'm a vampire.
- What?
- Yeah.
- I'm a vampire hunter.
- No, you're not.
- No?
- You fucking piece of shit.
I'll Skype you!
I float.
- I transform into stuff.
- Same.
- No you can't.
- Yeah.
I'll show you.
Show me.
Show me some of your vampire stuff.
What have I got?
Um...
Don't lie about transforming into shit.
- Twilight!
- Shut up, Nick!
You're not Twilight.
- What's your problem?
- You are my problem.
Telling the world that we are vampires.
And I'll tell the whole world
that you're an asshole now.
Shut up!
- Shut up!
- Guys?
- You shut up!
- No, you shut up!
- No, you shut up.
- You shut up.
I'm Dracula, man!
You're not Dracula!
- I'm Dracula!
You don't even know who Dracula is!
You idiot!
- Oh, bat fight!
- Bat fight! Oh, yah, yah, yah!
Ah, Deacon!
That wasn't fair, man!
My fucking jacket, man!
I don't care about your stupid jacket.
- Deacon!
- You okay, man?
- Hey, Stu?
- Mm-hm?
How's your worms?
Alright.
You're eating worms.
Can you do that shit when
you turn them into worms?
No.
Doesn't work on chips.
Only works on things that
already look like worms.
- Maybe noodles. Do you want some noodles?
- He knows now.
Oh no. I wouldn't eat that.
Why?
Are you okay Nick?
Alright?
He ate fried chip.
I can't eat salads now, great.
I can't sunbath.
I can't watch daytime TV.
I can if I could, or I guess I could.
More, more then ever just the chips.
My favorite food.
I can't eat chips.
I don't... it's just...
I hate...
I said it. I'm over being a vampire.
It's shit.
So, don't, don't believe the hype.
Jackie?!
Jackie, can I come in please?
- Okay, off to bed, guys!
- Hello, children!
- Don't look at the men.
- You want me to kill this?
Don't look at the men!
I was going to bite you tonight.
Really?
But now I can't because
there's this Nick being a vampire.
Sorry, sorry, I thought you
killed him 2 months ago.
No, I didn't...no... he's a vampire.
What do you mean?
He jumped in front of your place.
All I'm saying is that, um...
You know if I had a penis,
I would have been...
I would have been bitten years ago.
I might have to penalize you.
Perhaps another couple of years.
Maybe 10 years.
Hm?
Like one big circle, just biting each others dicks.
You know, they don't even wear shirts,
they wear blouses. It's, it's just...
... a big homo-erotic dick biting club.
And I'm stuck here,
ironing their fucking frills.
Also clean the bathroom, please.
It's blood everywhere.
It is gruesome.
Okay, see you tomorrow.
Off to bed, please.
Katherine.
She was so charming and nice.
She was everything I wanted.
Unfortunately...
... yeah, she was married.
Sure, I wanted to kill the guy.
I thought about, chopping his head off.
Draining him of every
drop of blood that he had.
Who wouldn't?
But then, I also saw
how happy she was.
And that made me kind of happy.
And I didn't want to ruin it for her, so...
I did the honorable thing and I just...
... stepped back.
And let her live her life.
Petyr!
Petyr!
Where is it?
Petyr!
Petyr!
Petyr!
Get water!
- Get out of the sunlight!
- Get water! Get water!
Get water! Petyr, get away from the sunlight!
Get in the shadows, Petyr!
Get out of the sunlight!
Get out of my way!
I'm going in!
I'm coming Petyr!
- Deacon, no, it's sunlight!
- I'm coming for you!
It's sunlight out there!
It's sunlight!
I was too late.
Turn that thing off.
Our friend had just been killed
in a fatal sunlight accident.
So this is what I think happened.
The vampire hunter...
... broke into the window here.
Has impacted the table. Breaking the table leg.
Then he has come this way.
Towards the tomb.
Crucifix!
Cover the crucifix!
And then...
... Petyr has burst from the tomb.
Pushed the tomb lid
on to the vampire hunter.
And then the sunlight has come through here.
And burned Petyr alive.
Think this is just a table leg, which is...
... sanded down.
- Do you think he hand sanded that, or?
- Yes.
Image that, stuck in your...
It's quite shocking down here, Nick.
Look, here's our sweet Petyr.
- Fucking hell.
- Burnt to a sizzle.
- I can't figure out this.
- This is the vampire hunter.
Is this Franco?
- Uh, who's this guy?
- Look at this...
... bloody head, back to front.
Twist it the other way,
the other way!
Let's see who this guy is.
- Hm, typical macho type.
- Yuck!
It is.
Oh, shit!
I know that guy.
- Actually.
- You know him?
- Yeah.
- What?
I saw him the other night in town.
Told him I was a vampire.
What?!
I thought he was joking.
He said he was a vampire hunter.
You let a vampire hunter into our house?
- I just gave him my e-mail.
- Nick!
Take out your tongue.
And shove it down your ass.
Fucking hell!
You and your big mouth!
It was a mistake!
Get up and stand on this ceiling like a man.
We can talk it out, yeah, man?
We can talk it out, mate!
- I'll kill you!
- I'm already dead!
Stu, stay back!
Someone's at the door.
Go, go.
Oh, shit.
- Good evening, sir.
- Hello, police.
Hi, I'm constable O'Leary.
This is constable Minogue.
We're just responding to a report
of a possible forced entry and also...
... a rather large amount of shrieking.
Just, um, wondering maybe we could come in
and just have a wee look around?
Okay.
What's with the fellow?
What's with the camera?
Yeah, we're obviously just here
cause there was a phone call
from the, a member of the public, um,
about a bit of disturbance.
Um, some loud noises.
- Possibly a forced entry, wasn't there?
- Um...
And, also, maybe a bit of smoke coming out, so...
We're just checking over the scene.
Making sure every thing's uh...
You know, above board sort of speaking, uh...
Making sure no ones in danger,
that kind of thing.
We might go up and have a wee look up there,
if that's alright with you?
- Come on mate, you lead the way.
- Just a little tour. Yeah.
Okay.
- Smells a bit weird here too, mate.
- Yeah.
What do you call that?
Barbecue.
You will not notice anything
out of the ordinary.
No, we certainly hope not.
Let's just...
Lets just keep going.
- Hi there guys. How are yah?
- Hello.
Hi fellas.
We've just wondering where
all the shouting was coming from?
That was me.
Yeah, okay, we've had a couple reports, okay?
A couple of people not happy
with the level of noise here.
Okay.
The neighbors?
You got neighbors on either side.
Feeling nervous.
I've hypnotized those cops.
I'm not a great hypothesizer
so it could wear off any second.
I really hope that those guys
don't kill those police
because then this means
more police will come.
Possibly even Christians which is totally
the last things we need in this house.
I can see you're having a good time.
End of the day...
... we got to keep the, uh,
the peace, okay?
Whoa, whoa, whoa...
See what I'm seeing?
Is that even ok?
You're joking?
Not a smoke alarm in sight.
No smoke detectors, mate?
Rule number 1:
Smoke detectors.
Okay.
Rule number 2: maybe not
so many barbeque's inside.
- Sorry fellas.
- Okay.
- Barbeque's?
- That was really strong there, ain't it?
What kind of marinade?
Who's this guy?
Um...
It's a friend who came to our party.
Mate, you're alright?
- He's drunk.
- That's what I thought.
Drunk guy.
You can't just leave him down
here like that, okay?
This guy's not having a good time.
He's gonna feel terrible tomorrow morning.
Well, he's soul is in hell, so...
Well, I don't know where's his soul's at,
but all I am saying, where is his blanket?
Who left the concrete on?
- Yeah, you can move him there?
- It's definitely not going to be comfortable.
- Seen anything else in there?
- No, I think I've seen enough.
- Okay.
- Hang on a minute.
What have we got here?
- What is that?
- This?
- Oh, this?
- Are you seeing this clearly as I can?
Adhesive, mate.
That's a flammable.
And then you got a lamp on top of that.
Directly underneath the power source.
- That is quite bad.
- It's very bad.
And no smoke detectors again are there?
- No.
- Yes, there are.
- Yes, there are.
- Okay, that's good.
Lots to think about guys.
- Yeah, lots to think about there guys.
- Next flat-meeting, yeah.
Yeah, good thinking, that's the thing, just...
- ... have a bit of dialogue about it.
- Okay.
- They've got a really good point.
- Wait!
Let's kill them.
Well, let's just see what other safety...
- Stay here and then maybe we'll...
- Yeah.
I call into session,
this trial of Nick,
of Wellington.
Read the charges.
Problems we have with Nick.
Number 1:
You brought a human into our house.
- Which is a big no-no in the vampire world.
- Stu is, Stu is okay though?
Yeah, Stu is fine, so I guess we'll just...
... cross that one out.
Uh...
- Thank you Stu.
- Thank you Stu.
So...
The new number 1:
Nick's been telling people he's a vampire.
That in turn resulted in...
... an unwanted visit from a vampire hunter.
Crime number 2:
This is quite a bigy, Nick.
The vampire hunter who killed Petyr.
That's... I actually should've...
that should have been crime number one
but we wanted to build up to that.
Number 3:
Deacon doesn't like that
your wear the same jacket as him.
And he would like you to find
your own original style.
For these crimes of which
we the vampire council find you guilty...
... you should be banished from our flat.
Indefinitely.
- Indefinitely?
- Indefinitely.
So I can come back?
No, no, indefinitely means that there is no end.
I thought that there was no...
No, indefinite means
that it's not a definite thing.
Yeah, but it's long.
Could be tomorrow, it could be 6 months.
NO! No, it is not tomorrow!
- You get about at least 6 moths.
- Banished!
You are banished.
But Stu, you can visit if you like.
Thank you.
For your crimes...
... you will be made to suffer...
... the procession...
... of shame.
I asked them Nick,
I asked them not to pass that sentence.
We should do this immediately.
- In my opinion.
- You didn't ask.
You didn't ask. You were saying yes.
- I did...
- Well, this is what's going to happen.
I still think it's quite extreme.
Let us do the procession of shame.
Now.
- Shame.
- Shame!
Shame. Shame. Shame!
Shame!
- Shame.
- Bad vampire!
Shame.
Should we go Stu?
Bye Stu.
That was a shame.
So today we have an invitation.
To the big event of the year.
Breaking it open.
They have burned the edges.
- Like a treasure map or something.
- It looks very authentic, doesn't it?
'Dearly departed...'
That's us.
'The Wellington vampire association
in conjunction with the
lower-hat-vampire-witch club
and the Kurory-zombie society
invite you to attend The Unholy Masquerade
on the night of the 6th of June...
... starting at 6 PM.'
- 666...
- Oh, yeah...
The Unholy Masquerade of course is great time
for the undead community of Wellington.
There's zombies there.
Vampires, banshees, all having a dance together.
It's all a big deal for me.
Love it.
One year I went to
The Unholy Masquerade dressed as
Whoopi Goldberg from Sister Act...
... 1 and Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit.
Didn't go down so well because
she was a nun.
Vampires don't like nuns.
Of course the big deal of
The Unholy Masquerade
is that every year they
announce the guest of honor.
And...um...
I don't know if I should be saying this but...
I heard a little rumor
that the guest of honor this year...
... might be me.
The location...
- Oh, yeah, where is it?
- Where's the location?
Detrol of Despair.
And the guest of honor will be...
Who is it? Show me.
Hm.
Okay.
Okay.
- Okay. Okay, that's fine. That's fine.
- Okay?
Vladislav...
... has...
... just had a reaction to the information
that the guest of honor will be...
... um... The Beast.
The darkest part of my mind
is reserved to The Beast.
We can tell you a thing
or two about The Beast.
You should pray that you
never have to see The Beast.
This one is called The Beast.
And I said,
'Get you hands off my balls, Beast!'
He may have told you
some stories about his
great battle with The Beast.
Yeah, oh,
'I fought The Beast on a cliff.'
Oh... 'I fought The Beast in a swamp.'
'One time I fought The Beast
in the toilettes of a night club.'
Difficult battle.
I hope you never see The Beast.
The Beast.
You can't go the the ball as Blade.
He's a vampire hunter.
Yeah, but vampires love Wesley Snipes.
It's inappropriate.
Okay, Vlad? The Green Jortes,
or the Black Leather with the Dragon Belt?
- We're have a mild crises here.
- Doesn't matter which pants you were, just...
- What do you want with me?
- Just look at the pants Vlad!
Look at the pants!
Enough with the pants!
- Shit, man!
- Holy shit!
Oh, you look terrible.
The black pants.
Thank you. Get dressed!
I don't know if I feel up to it, really.
You don't look that great but
if you eat someone on the way...
If you ate a little bit?
- You could probably wear a mask or something.
Just leave me to do my dark biding on the Internet!
What are you biding on?
I'm biding on a table.
- Are you coming or not?
- Not.
I'm gonna go change.
We're leaving in 10 minutes.
Have a good time!
We waited often,
without giving into that kind of...
stuff which I'm really sick
of that but you know...
It just that, it's a hard frustration...
takes people down.
Come on. Can I introduce, um...
- Aaron and Alisha.
- Hi, how are you?
Hi.
- Hi.
- Less moaning guys.
So we are at The Unholy Masquerade.
It's great.
This is my mask.
Which I made for the occasion.
Hey!
- Jackie.
-Yeah!
- This is undead party.
- Yeah, I'm a vampire.
You...?
I'm a vampire. I'm a vampire!
- Great.
- Yeah, yeah.
- So, um, who bit you?
- Oh, Nick.
- Oh great.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Deacon!
Pretty rude, because she was my...
... servant.
She was a pretty useless servant.
- I wouldn't...
- Yeah, yeah, but still, it would have been...
... appreciated if you'd asked...
How's Stu?
- He's good. He's here.
- Oh, his here?
- Stu! STU!
Hey, hey!
Hey!
Has anyone looked at you
like they want to eat you, at all?
Ah, no...
Can you hear me at the back?
On behalf of the Wellington vampire society...
... uh, with lower-hat vampire and witch club.
And the Kurory Zombie society,
we welcome you here tonight.
We're raffling a live big pet this year,
you could see
the prize over here on my left.
It's a wonderful prize.
I thinks it's a 10 dollars each or
45 dollars for a book of five.
Now without further adieu, it's my very great pleasure
to introduce to you this years guest of honor.
Pauline Ivanovich!
Thank you.
That's The Beast.
Thank you.
The Beast is, uh, the name
I gave to my ex-girlfriend Pauline.
She prefers Pauline.
We had a very intense relationship.
We were very...
... sexually explosive.
Last time I saw her, she impelled me and
called me an asshole.
She said...
... all kinds of things that really hurt me.
And all this while I was impelled on a lamp post.
Well, everyone, I will be mingling around
and I really hope that...
... I will meet...
... all of you.
Hello.
That's the new guy.
What, what kind of vampire... if he is a vampire.
Did you see his face?
Oh... oh.
- Hello!
- Hi, how are you?
- This is Deacon.
- Hello Deacon.
- This is Stu.
- Good day Stu.
- How are you my friend?
- Good.
Hi. Stu.
You got really warm hands too.
You a demon?
- No, he's not a demon!
- I'm a software analyst.
- Stu, Stu, Stu...
- Am I a witch?
Go dance, uh, with anyone.
- Sure.
- Okay, take your time.
I like Stu. He's not vampire, or a zombie...
- Am I a witch?
- He's not...
He not uh... he's neither,
he's uh... more of a human.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Hi, Nick, hey.
Um, Nick...
Do you mind if Stu is killed?
Uh, I don't feel real good about it.
Can I, can I just ask you, you know, a...
- ... a personal question?
- Sure.
Are you, um....
... are you, are you,
are you predeceased?
Uh...
If anyone's gonna eat him is gonna be us but
we're not, we're passed it.
They can just go fuck themselves.
Nick! It is your fault.
Okay? You brought a human
into this den of vampis nest.
- You're not helping.
- Yes, you did.
- Plus one.
- Lovely talking to you, I've got to shout off now.
See you later on.
As soon as one vampire takes a bite,
it's a frenzy!
- A frenzy!
- Okay, we've got to get him out.
Okay, follow me, follow me.
Excuse me, sorry guys.
Okay, Stu.
Put that over your red face.
- Just going out for a cigarette.
- Oh, hey!
- Okay, not that way.
- This way.
- This way.
- Is there another way?
- Get away from the vampires.
- Guys...
Excuse me everyone!
Can I have your attention please.
Some of the vampires forget
Unholy Masquerade rules.
They brought a human.
And they don't let us to feast on him.
This was a total misunderstanding.
There was on the invitation,
and this actually pertains to you...
... the invitation, it said,
- plus one, but it did not specify...
- Okay.
- Wait, look...
- If it could be a human or
if it could be werewolf or...
Yeah, but he could be
a vampire hunter for all we know.
He could texting his mates, saying,
'I've got them all under one place
come on over.
We'll have a vampire barbecue!'
Well, he's not, he's not doing that.
How do we know that?
He's wearing a bow-tie, look at him!
Stu, tell them what you do.
Come on Stu!
Tell us what you do. Come on.
Tell them what you do, Stu.
- Hi, my name is Stu uh...
- Don't fuck it up, man.
- I can't hear Stu.
- Louder, louder!
Hi, my name is Stu, uh, I work in...
- I can't hear...
- Louder.
Stu can't hear, they cannot hear you.
Hi, my name is Stu. I'm a software analyst.
I work for a geographic information system company.
-Uh...
- Sorry, what is it?
I work for a company that does
basically we take like
business requirements from organizations.
Then we analyze those requirements and
then we build software
to fit those requirements.
He is a virgin. He is a virgin!
- I can smell a virgin of a thousand paces.
- Go on then.
Take your thousand paces and smell yourselves!
I can't wait till you moan them.
There should be no eating of the human.
Who are you all of a sudden?
You have forgotten your former lover.
So quickly.
Georgie?
No, not...
... Georgie, like, 5-years Saturday.
No.
Wait a minute.
Just one moment.
No...
No, I've got it, it's coming, take it away...
Hello Beast.
Hello asshole.
- Hey, don't call me asshole!
- Don't call me...
... Beast. This is Vladislav. This is me ex-boyfriend.
- This is absolutely the same.
- You know, the one who fucked the police...
- Alright, that's old business, that's...
- ... personal business.
- Yeah.
- Nice to meet you asshole.
- This is my lover.
You will not feast on the blood
of the human known as Stu.
Listen asshole, this is a human and
this is the rules and
what is cameras doing here?
One, and then another one,
what is this?
They're making a documentary on...
This is a private secret society mate,
you don't go bringing your
bloody cameras into everything.
You will not eat Stu and
you will not eat the camera guy.
- Maybe one camera guy...
- I'm up to bloody here, with you at the moment.
And all your mates behind there,
whoever the hell they are.
We're gonna eat the human being.
And there's nothing you can do about it, alright?
Now back off!
And let my misses get her way.
Oh, there's nothing I can do about it?
- That's right.
- Well, what about this?
Diego, rip his head off.
What do you want?!
Vampire fight!
Get him Vladislav!
Rip his head off!
He's killing him!
It is forbidden for vampires...
... to kill a vampire.
- What the f...
- Medic!
What?
Are you okay, love?
Get out!
We should probably go Stu.
It was great to see you,
- Pauline.
- Asshole!
Perfect.
- That was very... how we both...
- He's a murderer!
We both, together,
equally destroyed that guy!
Yeah, but it was more Stu
with the giant stick!
I hope this doesn't make this awkward
for you and The Beast.
No, I think it's opened up new possibilities.
Oh, no.
Here we go again.
Stu, Stu, Stu, Stu!
Stu, Stu, STU!
Stu, Stu, Stu, Stu...
- Stuuu... Stuuu...
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, stop!
Listen, listen!
You smell that?
This way.
Werewolves.
- Oh, no.
- Look what the cat dragged in, huh?
- Piss off.
- Keep walking. Don't hassle us tonight.
There has been no hassle here.
Well, let it stay that way.
Keep chaining yourselves up!
Guys, where's your track suite pants?
It was washing night.
My misses couldn't wash them cause
there was too much blood on them.
When your legs expand they go into the track suit.
- Oh!
- Those jeans are gonna rip completely!
You've lost all those trousers, guys?
Declan, that tree's far too thin!
Look at it! It's like a branch!
You don't know how big you get
when you transform!
That's the wrong tree for you.
Anton, I've...
Oh, no, you've forgot the combination.
Why did you get a combination lock?
I lost my key last time.
Okay, well, it's probably 4 zeros,
that's the factory setting, is it?
- Fuck off to a tree.
- Hey!
Werewolves, not swearwolves.
Yeah, I know, well on transformation nights,
it's alright, alright?
I'm getting stressed out.
I was just reminding you.
Stop talking and chain yourself up you dickhead!
Honestly, we're transforming.
Alright, we'll keep walking.
- Yeah, keep walking. By the way I find that offensive!
- We'll keep walking.
Is it fur?
Oh, for crying out loud.
Don't look at the fur everyone.
Get back to your trees, okay?
- That's disgusting, man.
- You're wearing fur.
Declan!
- That's not real fur.
- Oh, shit!
Honestly, get out of here.
Take your humans!
The guy in the bow-tie, he's gonna go first!
Get out of here!
Take all your coats off if you want to keep everyone!
Take that army service jacket off...
Get that camera out of my face!
Go, go! Let's go, let's go. Come on!
Run, Stu, RUN!
Let's go, let's go!
- They're coming, guys!
- Shit!
I got one!
My leg! My leg!
Oh, God!
Stu! Stu!
STU!
Stu!
Get off me!
Stu, are you alright?!
Stu!
Stu!
Ah, fuck!
Fuck off!
Get off me!
You stinky piece of assholes!
Stupid werewolves!
Look away Nick!
Don't look at their blood!
Stu!
He's a really good dude!
Leave him alone!
It's too late for him!
- Don't look at the blood Nick!
- Stu!
There he is.
He's probably still a little upset
having seen his
best friend disemboweled by werewolves.
Nick!
I found you.
Whoa!
That was pretty full on, heh?
But this is what happens
when you are a vampire.
You have to watch everyone die.
You're mother and father.
All your friends.
Sometimes brutal.
Like slipping and falling onto a giant spike.
Or falling asleep.
In an autumn pile of leaves,
and having some of them,
block your wind pipe.
Or making the simple mistake,
of fashioning a mask out of crackers,
and being attacked by ducks.
Geese.
Swans.
Or simply dieing of old age.
But even old age is brutal.
Watching your friends...
... grow old.
They can't piss.
And they say stupid things and
their brains go and they
can't remember anything.
And then, one day, they can't even
remember who you are.
And you wish they were dead.
And then they do die.
No.
If I know Stu...
... this was probably the way he wanted to go.
Disemboweled by werewolves.
Blood and guts,
splat onto the trees.
His face torned to shreds.
I hope I made you feel better.
Ah, well, from what we
could see in the beginning
it looks like there's been
a bit of a dog attack.
That's really what happens,
when you get, you know...
dangerous dogs.
Um, straits, not being looked after.
This is not good.
No, not good at all.
There's nicer ways to go, then being...
... torn apart, by what looks like a pack of dogs,
more than just one.
- I say so.
- These attacks have been happening more, more frequent.
They're happening on a monthly bases and
and it's just no good for anybody, okay?
Specially not the dogs.
Certainly not the community.
I've got the bastard.
One of them here, hey?
That's what I'm talking about.
Look at it.
End of the day,
this dog is gonna have to be put down.
What a shame.
Look what you did.
Hey?
He's got the scent again, hasn't he?
He wants to go again. He's not finished.
Yeah.
They say that vampires hearts are cold and dead.
Definitely dead.
- Bye Stu.
- He would have loved his scarf.
It was lovely, loose, knit.
But I don't know.
I think I still feel things inside it.
Deacon!
Deacon!
Deacon, wakey, wakey. Hey!
You don't sleep in here.
The curtain's opened. It's nearly morning.
You want to get sizzled to a crisp.
You know, you could think
a little about these things.
Okay.
- Sorry Viago.
- It's okay.
- Night, night! Okay.
Received at 4:20 AM:
- Stu?!
- Hey, Deacon.
- Stu!
- How is it?
Good to see you.
Look at his face!
I saw them tear you to shreds!
Look! He looks like Seal!
They didn't kill me.
- It looks cool.
- Thank you, thank you.
Meet some of our friends.
Anton, Deacon.
Hi, Anton.
I must have blacked out.
And then, I remember,
- an ambulance.
- He's going into shock.
O'Leary. O'Leary!
Yeah, coming!
- Okay, calm down, mate.
- Calm down.
Looks like rabies, doesn't it?
And I don't know how long after that was,
but like, woke up.
And it was daytime.
And I couldn't find my clothes.
Those werewolves guys...
... eventually found me.
And they had some,
they like, lent me some pants.
So, yeah, those guys have been supporting me.
Cause I was quite confused.
Yeah, these are the guys who, um,
turned me into a werewolf.
You knit your own jersey?
- Yes.
- Oh, yeah?
- I knit.
- Is that the moon, or?
- Yes.
- Hopefully, we won't, you know...
Ah, this is a nice place.
Please, don't, ah, don't lick anything or...
... pee on anything.
We were worried at first, you know, we thought
'Ooh, they are just going to urinate on everything.'
But they actually are really polite and pretty clean.
There was obviously that werewolves smell,
which permeated the entire house
for the first half an hour.
But we opened some windows and
got rid of that.
'What a stupid suggestion, their idea,' I thought.
No way.
You know, walking into the vampire's den.
That's ludicrous.
That's my hand.
But I thought, we'll give it a shot.
You know, I'm the alpha male,
so I made the call.
I'm the alpha male.
- Yes.
- So, generally...
... all of the other guys follow me.
- For Stu!
- For STU!
Thanks guys.
What have you done to your face?
I got attacked by some werewolves.
Army is a werewolf.
Seemed like a very nice person.
So, Katherine is a vampire now.
- Yes.
- We decide to get together.
We just thought, the hell with it, you know.
What have we got to lose?
I was just sitting, doing nothing,
and he came floating in and over to me,
and I recognized him.
It was wonderful.
And then I bit you on the neck.
That's right.
And I don't mind being a vampire.
I'm enjoying it.
Some people freak out a bit
about the age difference.
Uh, they think,
'what's this 96-year old lady doing with a guy,
for times her age.'
- And, you know, I don't care...
- It doesn't make any difference.
No, they can call me cradle-snatcher, who cares.
I decided to bite her and
we're gonna be together forever.
- Wonderful.
- Yeah.
Pauline and I are tentatively back together.
But it's not long before
you remember why it was we
broke up in the first place.
We start in our bedroom,
and I need that totally boarded up or
blacked out somehow.
My husband is my familiar.
So, there has been a dynamic shift there.
You could buy a Bedazzler.
So you write that down. That's B-E-D...
I feel like I'm where I need to be now.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
Great.
But I am your Master.
- Okay?
- Yeah.
Yeah, these guys have to laugh
at my jokes, right guys?
Yeah!
That is a good one.
I always look round to
make sure they're all laughing.
Like, if I see one of them is not
quite laughing I'll be like, 'Hey!'
'You laughing?',
and often I'll test you.
- What are you laughing at, Justin?
- Hey?
- What are you laughing at now?
- Just then?
- Yeah, yeah, but what?
Oh, I don't know.
Ah, test failed! Test failed!
You're laughing now.
What are you laughing at now though?
I don't know cause...
Ah, another failure!
Well, what are you laughing at Stu?
Oh, I was laughing with the group.
Yep, that's good. That's good, yeah.
Just pay attention. Pay attention.
Laugh with the group.
You will not remember the last hour and a half,
of what you have just seen.
You will forget...
... the contents of this movie.
So it's 6 PM in the night time...
... which is when I wake up.
This is always really scary part for me.
Yes! Night time.
So, now I'm going to wake up
my flat mates.
I really love living in a flatting situation.
Wake up!
Wake up everyone!
I like to hang out with other vampires.
I like the company.
Awaken!
A wakey, wakey!
I just really like having a good time
with my friends.
Deacon...
Hi!
Hey!
Deacon...
How was your night, last night?
I transformed into a dog and had sex.
Cool!
We're gonna have a little flat-meeting
in the kitchen in about 15 minutes, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Should I close this?
- Yes.
Vladislav?!
Sorry! Sorry!
What?
- Hey!
- What time is it?
Umm, we're going to have a flat-meeting
in about 10 minutes.
Okay... is it...
So we're...
...in Petyr's room.
I'm just going to wake him up.
Petyr?
Petyr?!
Petyr, wake up.
Hey, listen. We're just having a flat-meeting
upstairs in about 10 minutes.
You don't have to come but I thought I'd
extend an invitation to you just in case.
Umm....
There's a lot of stuff on
the floor down here, Petyr, and...
... like this seems, I don't... AH!
It's a spinal column, yuck!
And I was thinking, maybe...
... I just should bring a broom
down here for you
if you wanted to sweep up
some of the skeletons.
I don't know.
You know...
Okay.
I got you this chicken.
Is Petyr coming?
- Should we be worried?
- Petyr's...
... 8000 years old.
We're not going to have Petyr at the meeting.
Okay, so...
Wanted to have a quick chat
about flat responsibilities because
uh...guys I think that we're
not all pulling our weight here.
We're not just pointing the finger at you, Deacon.
You're a cool guy but you're
not pulling your weight in the flat.
Well, I'm glad to hear that I'm cool.
- No, that's not the point though...
- Yeah, no, I know...
It's not a flat meeting about how cool you are.
- I do my flat chores.
- No, you don't!
- Yes, I do
- No, that's why we're having the flat-meeting.
The point is Deacon that you
have not done the dishes for 5 years.
Vladislav is right.
It's unacceptable to have so many
bloody dishes all over the bench like that...
I'm so embarrassed when people come over here.
Why does it matter?!
You bring them over to kill them!
Vampires don't do dishes.
Deacon's like the rebellious young vampire.
He's always doing crazy things.
Saying crazy things.
He's just like the young, bad boy of the group.
Okay, so...
One day I was...
... selling my wears...
And I walked passed this old creepy castle.
and I look at it and think...
... 'very old and creepy.'
And then this creature...
... flies at me!
It dragged me back to this dark dungeon.
And bit into my neck.
And just at the point of death...
... this creature...
... forced me to suck its foul blood.
And then...
... it opened it's wings, like this.
And hovered above me.
Screeching.
'Now you are vampire.'
And it was Petyr.
And we're still friends today.
Vlad, you are great.
You put out the recycling.
Which was really cool.
And!
The other day, I dragged mans body down the hallway,
and noticed that there was no dust.
Like, I kind of... I kind of swept the hallway.
Vladislav, is just like...
... this older vampire who
grew up in the medieval times.
And you know, to be living this long
and to have seen the things that he's seen
and still like, kind of have it together,
I mean, hat's off to him.
Bloody hell!
Sorry!
He's a really great guy.
A bit a of a pervert.
He has some pretty old ideas about things.
We should get some slaves!
When I first became a vampire...
... I was quite tyrannical.
I was known for torturing a lot of people.
This is my torture chamber.
I don't come in here, often anymore.
I tempted to torture when
I was in a bad place.
My thing was, I would poke someone
with implements.
I was known as 'Vladislav the poker'.
It's been like this the whole time...
- Okay, so...
- Viago is a little...
... pedantic.
The washing and the rubbish, I did that.
Deacon, on dishes and
it's still hasn't moved in 5 years.
He was an 18th century dandy.
So, he can be very fussy.
He nags and nags...
The lunch the other day and
it was blood all over my nice antique couch.
Which one, the red one?
Well, it's red now, yah.
If you're going to eat a victim
on my nice clean couch
put down some newspaper on the floor
and some towels.
It's not hard to do.
We're vampires!
We don't put down towels.
Some vampires do.
Well, not serious ones!
When you get 4 vampires in a flat
obviously there's going to be a lot of tension.
There's tension in any, any flatting situation.
It's settled then. We all do our jobs,
starting with a certain Deacon...
I will do my dishes!
This is bullshit.
Well, I became a vampire when I was 16.
That is why I always look 16.
In those days, of course,
life was tough for a 16 year old.
Vampires have had a pretty bad rec.
We're not these mopey
old creatures who live in castles.
And while some, most of us are, a lot are... bats.
There are also, those of us,
who like to flat together in
really small countries like New Zealand.
I was a Nazi vampire.
After the war, which the Nazi's lost...
I don't know,
if you know that the Nazi's lost...
... that war.
If you were a Nazi, after the war...
...and if you were a vampire...
... and if you were a Nazi vampire...
No way.
I was out of there.
Yah, I came to this country for love.
Uh, there was a girl. Human girl.
And...
... I...
... thought she was fantastic.
She was...
... absolutely amazing.
I was smitten.
Her family emigrated to New Zealand.
And, I thought,
'you know what, to hell with it.
I'm gonna go. I'm going to chase her
and tell her how I feel.'
I told my servant Phillip,
'Send me to New Zealand.'
He...
... put the wrong postage on my coffin.
So the whole journey took about 18 months.
And when I got here, she had...
... found someone else.
She had fallen in love.
And...
She was married.
She gave me this before she left.
There she is.
That's me, I put myself in there too.
She told me in was pure silver.
Unfortunately...
... we vampires can not wear silver.
Yeah...
It's about as long as I can wear that.
Tonight, we are going out
into Wellington center.
It is important that we look good.
Yeah, it's really good. Yeah.
One of the unfortunate things about
not having a reflection is that you...
... don't know exactly what you look like.
Look!
A ghost cup!
Floating all by itself!
We can give each other feedback and
help each other out until
we're looking great.
Yes, some of our clothes are from victims.
We might bite someone and then...
... you think,
'ooh, those are some nice pants!'.
- Do work these?
- NO!
Change it!
When you are a vampire,
you become very sexy.
We are trying to attract victims to us.
Not sure about the waist coat.
I go for a look which I call
Dead But Delicious.
We are the bait.
But we're also the trap.
Hello, ladies.
And my love, we are ready to go
into town and party!
Vampire... vampire style.
When we go into town,
we must try to blend in.
We are walking the streets.
Coming into town.
Um, it's really cool because
just for one brief moment
I feel...
Homos!
The trouble with being a vampire is you
have to be invited in, to go in.
We would like to come into the bar, please.
Invite us into the bar, please.
Keep walking.
You invite us in!
If the humans find out what we were...
... they would destroy us.
There are between 60 and 70 vampires
in the greater Wellington region.
- Obvious vampire.
- Joline!
Hello!
How embarrassing.
He's a guy I used to work with
when I was human.
- Is he gone?
- Yeah, he's gone.
I've been draining him all night.
Been a very thirsty girl.
Being bitten as a little boy or a little girl
you always going to look the same age.
What are you doing tonight?
Going to kill some perverts?
- Yeah, we're meeting a pedophile.
- Cool.
Okay, let's just go please.
- Have a good night, guys!
- Yeah, you have a good night!
The Big Kumara is vampire owned and operated,
so we could always get in.
It's the hottest night spot
for vampires in Wellington.
- Come on in, guys, come on in.
- Thank you.
Perhaps you could bring
some people to the house.
- Sure.
- Perhaps some virgins?
Virgins? Yep, okay.
Any kind of preference in terms of gender or?
Maybe some ladies?
Yep. Ladies.
Perhaps a guy?
One of each?
One of each should be cool.
My relationship with Deacon is...
... well, I'm his familiar.
He's my Master.
He tells me what to do, I do it.
We have the kind of master-servant
relationship which works nicely.
Actually.
- Hello!
- Hello.
Oh, it's a little bit of blood.
Um, my husband, he's a,
he's a hemophiliac.
You know, someone who bleeds a lot.
Yeah.
Any kind of age range?
- Young.
- But not, not kids?
Not kids.
18 to 30?
Definitely younger than yourself.
Okay, so 18 to 30.
So it's a dinner party?
- I'll be there?
- Yes!
- Dinner party.
- The guys we'll be there?
Yes.
- We will all be there?
- Yes, we will dress up.
- Okay, great.
- And then... eat them.
- Should be fun.
- Okay, great.
I was just wondering
if we could talk about the...
You don't know of a night dentist?
Because I have this thing here.
I was just wondering if
we could talk about the deal.
- Hm?
- The deal.
- The dishes?
- No, the...
The deal is that he is going
to give me eternal life.
Um, which is...
... very exciting.
Well, I just feel like I kind of
reached my potential and
I wouldn't want to kind of,
get any older before, I kind of...
I just feel like I'm the best version
of myself that I can be.
It's just that it's been
4 and a half years and I just
I just want... doing your plans and...
Doing your dry-cleaning.
Now I'm doing your dishes.
Yeah... the dentist?
And the dentist and it's just taking
an awful long time, so I was just wondering...
- Be gone!
- Okay.
- I see you later!
- Okay.
One of the most unfortunate things
about being a vampire is that...
... you have to drink human blood.
I like to make a real evening of it.
Play some music.
Maybe give them some nice wine.
It's their last moment alive so
why not make it a nice experience.
So...
Tell we what you do, what do you...
I was thinking about
going back to Uni, actually.
Oh, you are?
Lets put this over
there.
University, yeah?
Yeah, but after that,
I'm gonna travel.
Yeah...
I really wanted
to go over seas for ages, so..
Saving out and I'm gonna go to Spain and
Italy and London and...
Yeah.
Okay. Excuse me.
Just put that there.
There we go.
Shit!
Well, that didn't go so great.
Um, I hit the main artery.
So, yeah, it's a real mess in there, um...
On the upside,
I think she had a really good time.
So, it's quite late and uh...
I've managed to find a woman up,
watching television.
And, uh, she seems like
she'd be a good victim.
I'm just going to use hypnosis on her...
See me...
See me...
She can't, she can't see me
from that angle.
Vladislav used to be extremely powerful.
He could hypnotize crowds of people.
Great orgies. 20-30 women.
He could turn into all sorts of animals.
But now he never get the faces right.
He would kill anybody.
Men, women.
Children. Burning... everything.
It was totally great.
But he suffered a humiliating defeat...
... at the hands of his arch nemesis...
... The Beast.
And, he's never been the same.
See me...
See me...
See me...
See me...
Would you like to come inside?
Ah!
- Jackie, welcome! Come in.
- Hello.
This is Nick. Ex-ex boyfriend.
- And Josefine.
- Nice house.
And this is Deacon,
my over seas friend from Europe.
Deacon and his friends need...
... victims.
Hi! Please come in, welcome.
There can't be people that...
... I actually
envious them or like because of course
they will become victims.
Hi! Josefine?
No, I sat next to you in English.
Remember?
Um, you used to call me the Jacksersist?
No you did, no you did. Yeah.
No, you started that.
You were the one who started calling me that and
then it kind of caught on.
Yeah.
Okay, bye then. Bye.
She's in.
You like that, Nick?
Yep, it's nice.
I will go and prepare dinner.
Nick, are you a virgin at all?
Um, what?
Doesn't seem like... are, are you a virgin?
- Yes.
- Um, no.
You were a virgin when
we were seeing each other?
Yeah, I was 12.
You said he was a virgin.
I think we drink virgin blood because...
... it sounds cool.
I think of it like this...
If you're going to eat a sandwich..
You will just enjoy it more if
you knew no one had fucked it.
Let's concentrate on Josefine than.
Are you a virgin?
I'm not, no.
Okay, I'm really sorry.
Because I totally...
Him there is a Virgin.
She looks like a virgin.
She talks like a virgin, I mean...
Who would have sex with her, I wouldn't.
I would.
Oh.
Okay, good.
- It's 2 dinners... yum.
- Nick.
Do you like bisghetti?
Uh... yep.
I usually like it.
But, be better if it was warm?
So, this is my favorite trick.
We present our guest with a plate of bisghetti.
And then, I would say,
' Why don't you eat some bisghetti?'
Please, Nick.
Eat some bisghetti.
I didn't realize you enjoy eating worms.
Nick.
- No...
- They are worms.
There's worms moving around on my plate.
Worm like but not actually...
There's worms moving around on my plate.
Worm like but not actually...
We stole that idea from The Lost Boys.
But I put a nice twist on it.
Nick.
How does it feel to
have a snake for a penis?
Jackie?
My penis has disappeared.
It's a cobra snake.
Nobody is gonna mistake
your penis for a cobra, Nick, okay?
- Believe me.
- What have you put in my bisghetti?
No, it is just a normal penis.
I'm out. I'm out.
Josefine?
Do you like bisghetti?
Look, these freaks...
... spike my bisghetti,
make my cock turn into a snake is not cool.
Not cool.
You don't think this is weird?
For fuck sakes...
Jackie?!
Jackie!
- Sorry Nick.
- What are you doing?!
Jackie!
Shit!
Fuck off.
Where am I?
Fuck.
Fuck!
Freaks!
Ah, no...
Petyr got him.
Poor guy...
Who let Petyr out?
Hey, guys!
Hey, what are you guys doing?
What are you doing, Nick?
Come into the house.
- Hi, my name is Nick.
- Hey, guys.
I've been a vampire for 2 months.
Probably, I reckon best thing
about being a vampire is flying.
Like I've always wanted to,
I think everyone has always wanted to fly.
And now I can do it.
Oh...
Nick, why don't you use the front door?
Why would I? I'm flying.
Petyr bit me.
Sucked all my blood out.
I woke up in his basement and...
... he offered me some blood.
I just thought it was something...
... some German thing that these guys do.
This transition, into becoming
a vampire was pretty hard.
I look like shit to start off with, like,
I had a massive gash on my neck.
Like you could see the inside of my neck.
I had blood all over my top.
And then I came home and
I was sweating.
I was either really hot or really cold.
It was like a hang-over times 10, I reckon.
It was really bad.
It was quite similar to having the flu.
Except, the only difference
would probably be...
... that my eyes bleed heaps.
Are you guys not cold?
No, I can't really explain it.
It's like, yeah, really hot and cold and like...
... bloody eyes and flying and stuff.
The neighbors can see you
flying around the house.
You want to draw attention
to his house, hm?
You got a whole...
documentary crew following you around.
I am doing an erotic dance for my friends.
And you ruined it.
I was in the zone.
My friends are loving it.
I love it. I saw the end of it.
It looked great.
I don't, I don't know,
if I'm, if I'm accepted yet.
But... I don't know.
I think it's getting there.
I don't know the oldest stuff,
but they're quite naive...
... when it comes to the real world.
So...
I don't know,
it would be cool to just...
Hang out with them.
They could teach me some stuff.
But I could probably
teach them a few things.
At the start it was like, 'Oh no, like I'm..'
'... I'm dead.'
It kind of affected my friendship with normal people,
my family and stuff.
But, of the way I see it,
I've got a whole new family.
They accept me for who I am.
They don't even seem to know who they are.
Even though...
... one of them killed me.
Where should we go tonight?
Let's go to the big Kumara.
Why don't we go to Boogie Wonderland?
We never get in to Boogie Wonderland.
My friend Richard's the bouncer.
He can get us in.
- What? Really?
- I'll invite us in.
- Stu is game.
- He will come with us too?
Ah, this is my friend Stu.
- Hey.
- He works in computers and stuff.
Originally he went out with my sister.
And then they broke up.
I didn't want her to do it, but...
It's got nothing to do with me.
And um... he can't hear me.
Yeah, so basically...
Stu doesn't know that I'm a vampire.
And he doesn't know that
my friends are vampires.
He just thinks that I'm just...
... with some powerful friends.
I bought a room in the house and
he thought I bought a meal.
Just like...
... it really, really sucks...
... that I can't eat him.
I just want to like...
Look at it.
He's the reddest guy I know.
Right, you can hear me.
- Like computer based and stuff, heh, mainly?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Databases.
- Yeah, like computers mainly.
Let's have a vote for Boogie Wonderland
or The Big Kumara.
Big Kumara!
Wait.
Come on Stu, hurry up.
I don't think Nick should have been
turned into a vampire.
He's such a dick.
Looking great man!
You are most welcome!
We're in Boogie Wonderland!
Here we are at Boogie Wonderland
and it is so much fun.
This is amazing!
I'm so happy to be here.
This is pretty cheesy.
Also, did you see the jacket he wore?
He's wearing the same jacket as me.
- It's not exactly the same.
- It's pretty close.
I'm just loving being a vampire.
Over there, is the big Fat Lady's Arms.
Ah, on Wednesday's there be,
like fear factor competition.
You can win like t-shirts and
hats and small prizes.
I can smell werewolves.
Okay, we're just about to walk passed some werewolves
so some shit might go down!
Look out guys. Don't catch flees.
- What's that, mate?
- Deacon.
- Sorry what?
- Keep going, keep walking.
- Keep walking!
- We heard that, mate. We've got sensitive hearing.
- Have you?
- Yeah.
What are you filming?
It's a music video, is it?
We don't want any trouble.
- Why did you start it?
- Well, I do. Have I got your heckles up?
Huh?
Why don't you girls smell
your own crutches, huh?
- Come on. It's not worth it.
- What are you talking about?
We don't smell our own crutches.
We smell each others crutches.
And it's a... form of... greeting.
Your own camera, mate, don't, don't...
What?
It's okay, cause I know this guy.
It's count Fagula.
Hey, hey, hey! Don't swear.
- Sorry... they... they...
- We're werewolves.
- Not swearwolves.
- What are we?
We're werewolves, not swearwolves.
- No, listen, that's offensive...
- That's a really offensive word to call people.
Well, at least you're talking
about a bundle of sticks.
Please, this bundle of sticks...
Werewolves?
- No, no, no!
- Don't get it! Nathan it's not real.
He's just gonna take of his gloves.
Ah, shit, man!
Why the fuck did you do that for?
Hey! Don't swear.
We're gonna lose it. We're gonna lose it.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Hey.
Calm down. Calm down!
- Get the fuck my glasses!
- Dion! Dion!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Do the breathing! Do the breathing.
Do the breathing.
Count to 10, mate. Count to 10.
- Come on.
- Hold it.
Count to 10, human again.
- 10, human again.
- It's alright. It's not full moon.
Thanks a lot guys.
- Enjoy your night, yah?
- You should be ashamed of yourselves, man.
Great, we didn't want this to happen.
- Come on guys.
- Hey!
Say it! Don't spray it, bitch!
Declan!
- Why are you swearing all the time?!
- Well, he ride with me...
- Were they actually werewolves?
- Yeah.
Are you okay, Stu?
I just don't really know how to...
... approach this,
cause I never done it before.
Um, and he is a good friend.
And I don't wanna...
... I don't want to break that friendship but..
... then again, what do you do when
someone tells you, that they're a vampire?
I'm expecting him to be angry.
He might be scared and expecting
lot of things to, to bubble to the surface.
You probably noticed, it has been...
... I've been going through a few changes lately.
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
Yeah.
Like...
I don't show up for lunch anymore.
- Yeah.
- Have...
... changed the story of all of Tina's games.
The night time, Tina's games.
Right...
And how you went from beating me
every time and how I
I've won the last 3?
Yeah.
So...
The reason I brought you here...
... is to tell you that...
... I'm a vampire.
Stu took it pretty well.
He's definitely my best mate.
And I'm not gonna eat him.
But if they ever offer you bisghetti...
Um.... you shouldn't eat it.
They offered me biscotti.
Vampire mates don't eat human mates.
And no matter how much I want to eat him...
... I will never eat him cause he's my mate.
- Right, Stu?
- Yah.
Yeah.
Stu is great.
We really like him.
At first I wanted to kill him.
But now I'm glad I've spent
the time to get to know him.
Yeah, of course he looks delicious
with his big red cheeks.
But we've all got an agreement
that we're not going to eat Stu.
- Right?
- Right.
The guys upstairs, they...
They're loving him.
That's ... it started off with,
'Who's this human you're bringing into the house?'
But it took them literally 2 minutes and
they like him more than
they like me, I reckon.
I'm knitting a scarf for Stu.
Try it again. Use your legs.
Wow.
- Step back...
- Punching high.
- Yep.
- Hi.
Yep.
I'm just, what I'm trying to say is...
... cause I know that you...
... you turned me into a vampire.
Maybe don't do that to him.
He's a... vegetarian.
Last thing he'd want to is eat...
... a life-being or eat blood or eat meat...
- I am controlling this.
- Get it, get it!
Quite amazing to see how far
technology can go forward
if you're not paying attention.
One message received.
There is a crucifix behind you.
So, done on it, or like,
half way down and focus it.
Maybe smile.
- Anything you want to find, you...
- Yeah.
- You can type your name here.
- I've lost...
... a really nice silk scarf in about 1912.
Yes, now Google it.
Stu is the first human friend
that I've had for long time.
With humans there's a tendency to die.
Yeah.
We can look at her photos.
- Ah, oh yes.
- Or you can poke her.
Yes.
Can we see a movie with sunrise?
- What? Shit!
- Whoo...
Nice...
If you push images,
than we can see pictures of virgins.
- Ah, yes. Yes.
- Yah, yah...
I don't think she's a virgin if she's doing that.
There he is, yeah.
This is my old servant, Phillip.
- So, we're gonna call him.
- Yeah.
And...
...screen...
My God, that's him, that's him,
that's him, that's Phillip, that's Phillip.
- He looks old.
Yeah, kind of like youth romance,
but like more, more layers.
Maybe Twilight, have you seen it?
Okay, I'm the main guy in Twilight.
You now the main guy?
Twilight?
That's me.
Cameras following me around.
They could have chosen anyone.
How many people have you told
you are a vampire?
- Not many.
- I heard that girl...
... talking about that
you said you were a vampire.
Yeah, I told her.
- Who else?
- Who did you tell?
Uh, I told her hot friend.
You can't tell everyone that you're a vampire.
Who's that guy?
I don't know but I told him.
You can't tell everyone.
Yeah, I've got a bit of an eye condition.
What's wrong with him?
Um, vampire eyes.
Can't go into the sun.
Oh, my God, is that your fangs?
For real?
For real, real.
For real, real.
I'm a vampire.
- What?
- Yeah.
- I'm a vampire hunter.
- No, you're not.
- No?
- You fucking piece of shit.
I'll Skype you!
I float.
- I transform into stuff.
- Same.
- No you can't.
- Yeah.
I'll show you.
Show me.
Show me some of your vampire stuff.
What have I got?
Um...
Don't lie about transforming into shit.
- Twilight!
- Shut up, Nick!
You're not Twilight.
- What's your problem?
- You are my problem.
Telling the world that we are vampires.
And I'll tell the whole world
that you're an asshole now.
Shut up!
- Shut up!
- Guys?
- You shut up!
- No, you shut up!
- No, you shut up.
- You shut up.
I'm Dracula, man!
You're not Dracula!
- I'm Dracula!
You don't even know who Dracula is!
You idiot!
- Oh, bat fight!
- Bat fight! Oh, yah, yah, yah!
Ah, Deacon!
That wasn't fair, man!
My fucking jacket, man!
I don't care about your stupid jacket.
- Deacon!
- You okay, man?
- Hey, Stu?
- Mm-hm?
How's your worms?
Alright.
You're eating worms.
Can you do that shit when
you turn them into worms?
No.
Doesn't work on chips.
Only works on things that
already look like worms.
- Maybe noodles. Do you want some noodles?
- He knows now.
Oh no. I wouldn't eat that.
Why?
Are you okay Nick?
Alright?
He ate fried chip.
I can't eat salads now, great.
I can't sunbath.
I can't watch daytime TV.
I can if I could, or I guess I could.
More, more then ever just the chips.
My favorite food.
I can't eat chips.
I don't... it's just...
I hate...
I said it. I'm over being a vampire.
It's shit.
So, don't, don't believe the hype.
Jackie?!
Jackie, can I come in please?
- Okay, off to bed, guys!
- Hello, children!
- Don't look at the men.
- You want me to kill this?
Don't look at the men!
I was going to bite you tonight.
Really?
But now I can't because
there's this Nick being a vampire.
Sorry, sorry, I thought you
killed him 2 months ago.
No, I didn't...no... he's a vampire.
What do you mean?
He jumped in front of your place.
All I'm saying is that, um...
You know if I had a penis,
I would have been...
I would have been bitten years ago.
I might have to penalize you.
Perhaps another couple of years.
Maybe 10 years.
Hm?
Like one big circle, just biting each others dicks.
You know, they don't even wear shirts,
they wear blouses. It's, it's just...
... a big homo-erotic dick biting club.
And I'm stuck here,
ironing their fucking frills.
Also clean the bathroom, please.
It's blood everywhere.
It is gruesome.
Okay, see you tomorrow.
Off to bed, please.
Katherine.
She was so charming and nice.
She was everything I wanted.
Unfortunately...
... yeah, she was married.
Sure, I wanted to kill the guy.
I thought about, chopping his head off.
Draining him of every
drop of blood that he had.
Who wouldn't?
But then, I also saw
how happy she was.
And that made me kind of happy.
And I didn't want to ruin it for her, so...
I did the honorable thing and I just...
... stepped back.
And let her live her life.
Petyr!
Petyr!
Where is it?
Petyr!
Petyr!
Petyr!
Get water!
- Get out of the sunlight!
- Get water! Get water!
Get water! Petyr, get away from the sunlight!
Get in the shadows, Petyr!
Get out of the sunlight!
Get out of my way!
I'm going in!
I'm coming Petyr!
- Deacon, no, it's sunlight!
- I'm coming for you!
It's sunlight out there!
It's sunlight!
I was too late.
Turn that thing off.
Our friend had just been killed
in a fatal sunlight accident.
So this is what I think happened.
The vampire hunter...
... broke into the window here.
Has impacted the table. Breaking the table leg.
Then he has come this way.
Towards the tomb.
Crucifix!
Cover the crucifix!
And then...
... Petyr has burst from the tomb.
Pushed the tomb lid
on to the vampire hunter.
And then the sunlight has come through here.
And burned Petyr alive.
Think this is just a table leg, which is...
... sanded down.
- Do you think he hand sanded that, or?
- Yes.
Image that, stuck in your...
It's quite shocking down here, Nick.
Look, here's our sweet Petyr.
- Fucking hell.
- Burnt to a sizzle.
- I can't figure out this.
- This is the vampire hunter.
Is this Franco?
- Uh, who's this guy?
- Look at this...
... bloody head, back to front.
Twist it the other way,
the other way!
Let's see who this guy is.
- Hm, typical macho type.
- Yuck!
It is.
Oh, shit!
I know that guy.
- Actually.
- You know him?
- Yeah.
- What?
I saw him the other night in town.
Told him I was a vampire.
What?!
I thought he was joking.
He said he was a vampire hunter.
You let a vampire hunter into our house?
- I just gave him my e-mail.
- Nick!
Take out your tongue.
And shove it down your ass.
Fucking hell!
You and your big mouth!
It was a mistake!
Get up and stand on this ceiling like a man.
We can talk it out, yeah, man?
We can talk it out, mate!
- I'll kill you!
- I'm already dead!
Stu, stay back!
Someone's at the door.
Go, go.
Oh, shit.
- Good evening, sir.
- Hello, police.
Hi, I'm constable O'Leary.
This is constable Minogue.
We're just responding to a report
of a possible forced entry and also...
... a rather large amount of shrieking.
Just, um, wondering maybe we could come in
and just have a wee look around?
Okay.
What's with the fellow?
What's with the camera?
Yeah, we're obviously just here
cause there was a phone call
from the, a member of the public, um,
about a bit of disturbance.
Um, some loud noises.
- Possibly a forced entry, wasn't there?
- Um...
And, also, maybe a bit of smoke coming out, so...
We're just checking over the scene.
Making sure every thing's uh...
You know, above board sort of speaking, uh...
Making sure no ones in danger,
that kind of thing.
We might go up and have a wee look up there,
if that's alright with you?
- Come on mate, you lead the way.
- Just a little tour. Yeah.
Okay.
- Smells a bit weird here too, mate.
- Yeah.
What do you call that?
Barbecue.
You will not notice anything
out of the ordinary.
No, we certainly hope not.
Let's just...
Lets just keep going.
- Hi there guys. How are yah?
- Hello.
Hi fellas.
We've just wondering where
all the shouting was coming from?
That was me.
Yeah, okay, we've had a couple reports, okay?
A couple of people not happy
with the level of noise here.
Okay.
The neighbors?
You got neighbors on either side.
Feeling nervous.
I've hypnotized those cops.
I'm not a great hypothesizer
so it could wear off any second.
I really hope that those guys
don't kill those police
because then this means
more police will come.
Possibly even Christians which is totally
the last things we need in this house.
I can see you're having a good time.
End of the day...
... we got to keep the, uh,
the peace, okay?
Whoa, whoa, whoa...
See what I'm seeing?
Is that even ok?
You're joking?
Not a smoke alarm in sight.
No smoke detectors, mate?
Rule number 1:
Smoke detectors.
Okay.
Rule number 2: maybe not
so many barbeque's inside.
- Sorry fellas.
- Okay.
- Barbeque's?
- That was really strong there, ain't it?
What kind of marinade?
Who's this guy?
Um...
It's a friend who came to our party.
Mate, you're alright?
- He's drunk.
- That's what I thought.
Drunk guy.
You can't just leave him down
here like that, okay?
This guy's not having a good time.
He's gonna feel terrible tomorrow morning.
Well, he's soul is in hell, so...
Well, I don't know where's his soul's at,
but all I am saying, where is his blanket?
Who left the concrete on?
- Yeah, you can move him there?
- It's definitely not going to be comfortable.
- Seen anything else in there?
- No, I think I've seen enough.
- Okay.
- Hang on a minute.
What have we got here?
- What is that?
- This?
- Oh, this?
- Are you seeing this clearly as I can?
Adhesive, mate.
That's a flammable.
And then you got a lamp on top of that.
Directly underneath the power source.
- That is quite bad.
- It's very bad.
And no smoke detectors again are there?
- No.
- Yes, there are.
- Yes, there are.
- Okay, that's good.
Lots to think about guys.
- Yeah, lots to think about there guys.
- Next flat-meeting, yeah.
Yeah, good thinking, that's the thing, just...
- ... have a bit of dialogue about it.
- Okay.
- They've got a really good point.
- Wait!
Let's kill them.
Well, let's just see what other safety...
- Stay here and then maybe we'll...
- Yeah.
I call into session,
this trial of Nick,
of Wellington.
Read the charges.
Problems we have with Nick.
Number 1:
You brought a human into our house.
- Which is a big no-no in the vampire world.
- Stu is, Stu is okay though?
Yeah, Stu is fine, so I guess we'll just...
... cross that one out.
Uh...
- Thank you Stu.
- Thank you Stu.
So...
The new number 1:
Nick's been telling people he's a vampire.
That in turn resulted in...
... an unwanted visit from a vampire hunter.
Crime number 2:
This is quite a bigy, Nick.
The vampire hunter who killed Petyr.
That's... I actually should've...
that should have been crime number one
but we wanted to build up to that.
Number 3:
Deacon doesn't like that
your wear the same jacket as him.
And he would like you to find
your own original style.
For these crimes of which
we the vampire council find you guilty...
... you should be banished from our flat.
Indefinitely.
- Indefinitely?
- Indefinitely.
So I can come back?
No, no, indefinitely means that there is no end.
I thought that there was no...
No, indefinite means
that it's not a definite thing.
Yeah, but it's long.
Could be tomorrow, it could be 6 months.
NO! No, it is not tomorrow!
- You get about at least 6 moths.
- Banished!
You are banished.
But Stu, you can visit if you like.
Thank you.
For your crimes...
... you will be made to suffer...
... the procession...
... of shame.
I asked them Nick,
I asked them not to pass that sentence.
We should do this immediately.
- In my opinion.
- You didn't ask.
You didn't ask. You were saying yes.
- I did...
- Well, this is what's going to happen.
I still think it's quite extreme.
Let us do the procession of shame.
Now.
- Shame.
- Shame!
Shame. Shame. Shame!
Shame!
- Shame.
- Bad vampire!
Shame.
Should we go Stu?
Bye Stu.
That was a shame.
So today we have an invitation.
To the big event of the year.
Breaking it open.
They have burned the edges.
- Like a treasure map or something.
- It looks very authentic, doesn't it?
'Dearly departed...'
That's us.
'The Wellington vampire association
in conjunction with the
lower-hat-vampire-witch club
and the Kurory-zombie society
invite you to attend The Unholy Masquerade
on the night of the 6th of June...
... starting at 6 PM.'
- 666...
- Oh, yeah...
The Unholy Masquerade of course is great time
for the undead community of Wellington.
There's zombies there.
Vampires, banshees, all having a dance together.
It's all a big deal for me.
Love it.
One year I went to
The Unholy Masquerade dressed as
Whoopi Goldberg from Sister Act...
... 1 and Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit.
Didn't go down so well because
she was a nun.
Vampires don't like nuns.
Of course the big deal of
The Unholy Masquerade
is that every year they
announce the guest of honor.
And...um...
I don't know if I should be saying this but...
I heard a little rumor
that the guest of honor this year...
... might be me.
The location...
- Oh, yeah, where is it?
- Where's the location?
Detrol of Despair.
And the guest of honor will be...
Who is it? Show me.
Hm.
Okay.
Okay.
- Okay. Okay, that's fine. That's fine.
- Okay?
Vladislav...
... has...
... just had a reaction to the information
that the guest of honor will be...
... um... The Beast.
The darkest part of my mind
is reserved to The Beast.
We can tell you a thing
or two about The Beast.
You should pray that you
never have to see The Beast.
This one is called The Beast.
And I said,
'Get you hands off my balls, Beast!'
He may have told you
some stories about his
great battle with The Beast.
Yeah, oh,
'I fought The Beast on a cliff.'
Oh... 'I fought The Beast in a swamp.'
'One time I fought The Beast
in the toilettes of a night club.'
Difficult battle.
I hope you never see The Beast.
The Beast.
You can't go the the ball as Blade.
He's a vampire hunter.
Yeah, but vampires love Wesley Snipes.
It's inappropriate.
Okay, Vlad? The Green Jortes,
or the Black Leather with the Dragon Belt?
- We're have a mild crises here.
- Doesn't matter which pants you were, just...
- What do you want with me?
- Just look at the pants Vlad!
Look at the pants!
Enough with the pants!
- Shit, man!
- Holy shit!
Oh, you look terrible.
The black pants.
Thank you. Get dressed!
I don't know if I feel up to it, really.
You don't look that great but
if you eat someone on the way...
If you ate a little bit?
- You could probably wear a mask or something.
Just leave me to do my dark biding on the Internet!
What are you biding on?
I'm biding on a table.
- Are you coming or not?
- Not.
I'm gonna go change.
We're leaving in 10 minutes.
Have a good time!
We waited often,
without giving into that kind of...
stuff which I'm really sick
of that but you know...
It just that, it's a hard frustration...
takes people down.
Come on. Can I introduce, um...
- Aaron and Alisha.
- Hi, how are you?
Hi.
- Hi.
- Less moaning guys.
So we are at The Unholy Masquerade.
It's great.
This is my mask.
Which I made for the occasion.
Hey!
- Jackie.
-Yeah!
- This is undead party.
- Yeah, I'm a vampire.
You...?
I'm a vampire. I'm a vampire!
- Great.
- Yeah, yeah.
- So, um, who bit you?
- Oh, Nick.
- Oh great.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Deacon!
Pretty rude, because she was my...
... servant.
She was a pretty useless servant.
- I wouldn't...
- Yeah, yeah, but still, it would have been...
... appreciated if you'd asked...
How's Stu?
- He's good. He's here.
- Oh, his here?
- Stu! STU!
Hey, hey!
Hey!
Has anyone looked at you
like they want to eat you, at all?
Ah, no...
Can you hear me at the back?
On behalf of the Wellington vampire society...
... uh, with lower-hat vampire and witch club.
And the Kurory Zombie society,
we welcome you here tonight.
We're raffling a live big pet this year,
you could see
the prize over here on my left.
It's a wonderful prize.
I thinks it's a 10 dollars each or
45 dollars for a book of five.
Now without further adieu, it's my very great pleasure
to introduce to you this years guest of honor.
Pauline Ivanovich!
Thank you.
That's The Beast.
Thank you.
The Beast is, uh, the name
I gave to my ex-girlfriend Pauline.
She prefers Pauline.
We had a very intense relationship.
We were very...
... sexually explosive.
Last time I saw her, she impelled me and
called me an asshole.
She said...
... all kinds of things that really hurt me.
And all this while I was impelled on a lamp post.
Well, everyone, I will be mingling around
and I really hope that...
... I will meet...
... all of you.
Hello.
That's the new guy.
What, what kind of vampire... if he is a vampire.
Did you see his face?
Oh... oh.
- Hello!
- Hi, how are you?
- This is Deacon.
- Hello Deacon.
- This is Stu.
- Good day Stu.
- How are you my friend?
- Good.
Hi. Stu.
You got really warm hands too.
You a demon?
- No, he's not a demon!
- I'm a software analyst.
- Stu, Stu, Stu...
- Am I a witch?
Go dance, uh, with anyone.
- Sure.
- Okay, take your time.
I like Stu. He's not vampire, or a zombie...
- Am I a witch?
- He's not...
He not uh... he's neither,
he's uh... more of a human.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Hi, Nick, hey.
Um, Nick...
Do you mind if Stu is killed?
Uh, I don't feel real good about it.
Can I, can I just ask you, you know, a...
- ... a personal question?
- Sure.
Are you, um....
... are you, are you,
are you predeceased?
Uh...
If anyone's gonna eat him is gonna be us but
we're not, we're passed it.
They can just go fuck themselves.
Nick! It is your fault.
Okay? You brought a human
into this den of vampis nest.
- You're not helping.
- Yes, you did.
- Plus one.
- Lovely talking to you, I've got to shout off now.
See you later on.
As soon as one vampire takes a bite,
it's a frenzy!
- A frenzy!
- Okay, we've got to get him out.
Okay, follow me, follow me.
Excuse me, sorry guys.
Okay, Stu.
Put that over your red face.
- Just going out for a cigarette.
- Oh, hey!
- Okay, not that way.
- This way.
- This way.
- Is there another way?
- Get away from the vampires.
- Guys...
Excuse me everyone!
Can I have your attention please.
Some of the vampires forget
Unholy Masquerade rules.
They brought a human.
And they don't let us to feast on him.
This was a total misunderstanding.
There was on the invitation,
and this actually pertains to you...
... the invitation, it said,
- plus one, but it did not specify...
- Okay.
- Wait, look...
- If it could be a human or
if it could be werewolf or...
Yeah, but he could be
a vampire hunter for all we know.
He could texting his mates, saying,
'I've got them all under one place
come on over.
We'll have a vampire barbecue!'
Well, he's not, he's not doing that.
How do we know that?
He's wearing a bow-tie, look at him!
Stu, tell them what you do.
Come on Stu!
Tell us what you do. Come on.
Tell them what you do, Stu.
- Hi, my name is Stu uh...
- Don't fuck it up, man.
- I can't hear Stu.
- Louder, louder!
Hi, my name is Stu, uh, I work in...
- I can't hear...
- Louder.
Stu can't hear, they cannot hear you.
Hi, my name is Stu. I'm a software analyst.
I work for a geographic information system company.
-Uh...
- Sorry, what is it?
I work for a company that does
basically we take like
business requirements from organizations.
Then we analyze those requirements and
then we build software
to fit those requirements.
He is a virgin. He is a virgin!
- I can smell a virgin of a thousand paces.
- Go on then.
Take your thousand paces and smell yourselves!
I can't wait till you moan them.
There should be no eating of the human.
Who are you all of a sudden?
You have forgotten your former lover.
So quickly.
Georgie?
No, not...
... Georgie, like, 5-years Saturday.
No.
Wait a minute.
Just one moment.
No...
No, I've got it, it's coming, take it away...
Hello Beast.
Hello asshole.
- Hey, don't call me asshole!
- Don't call me...
... Beast. This is Vladislav. This is me ex-boyfriend.
- This is absolutely the same.
- You know, the one who fucked the police...
- Alright, that's old business, that's...
- ... personal business.
- Yeah.
- Nice to meet you asshole.
- This is my lover.
You will not feast on the blood
of the human known as Stu.
Listen asshole, this is a human and
this is the rules and
what is cameras doing here?
One, and then another one,
what is this?
They're making a documentary on...
This is a private secret society mate,
you don't go bringing your
bloody cameras into everything.
You will not eat Stu and
you will not eat the camera guy.
- Maybe one camera guy...
- I'm up to bloody here, with you at the moment.
And all your mates behind there,
whoever the hell they are.
We're gonna eat the human being.
And there's nothing you can do about it, alright?
Now back off!
And let my misses get her way.
Oh, there's nothing I can do about it?
- That's right.
- Well, what about this?
Diego, rip his head off.
What do you want?!
Vampire fight!
Get him Vladislav!
Rip his head off!
He's killing him!
It is forbidden for vampires...
... to kill a vampire.
- What the f...
- Medic!
What?
Are you okay, love?
Get out!
We should probably go Stu.
It was great to see you,
- Pauline.
- Asshole!
Perfect.
- That was very... how we both...
- He's a murderer!
We both, together,
equally destroyed that guy!
Yeah, but it was more Stu
with the giant stick!
I hope this doesn't make this awkward
for you and The Beast.
No, I think it's opened up new possibilities.
Oh, no.
Here we go again.
Stu, Stu, Stu, Stu!
Stu, Stu, STU!
Stu, Stu, Stu, Stu...
- Stuuu... Stuuu...
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, stop!
Listen, listen!
You smell that?
This way.
Werewolves.
- Oh, no.
- Look what the cat dragged in, huh?
- Piss off.
- Keep walking. Don't hassle us tonight.
There has been no hassle here.
Well, let it stay that way.
Keep chaining yourselves up!
Guys, where's your track suite pants?
It was washing night.
My misses couldn't wash them cause
there was too much blood on them.
When your legs expand they go into the track suit.
- Oh!
- Those jeans are gonna rip completely!
You've lost all those trousers, guys?
Declan, that tree's far too thin!
Look at it! It's like a branch!
You don't know how big you get
when you transform!
That's the wrong tree for you.
Anton, I've...
Oh, no, you've forgot the combination.
Why did you get a combination lock?
I lost my key last time.
Okay, well, it's probably 4 zeros,
that's the factory setting, is it?
- Fuck off to a tree.
- Hey!
Werewolves, not swearwolves.
Yeah, I know, well on transformation nights,
it's alright, alright?
I'm getting stressed out.
I was just reminding you.
Stop talking and chain yourself up you dickhead!
Honestly, we're transforming.
Alright, we'll keep walking.
- Yeah, keep walking. By the way I find that offensive!
- We'll keep walking.
Is it fur?
Oh, for crying out loud.
Don't look at the fur everyone.
Get back to your trees, okay?
- That's disgusting, man.
- You're wearing fur.
Declan!
- That's not real fur.
- Oh, shit!
Honestly, get out of here.
Take your humans!
The guy in the bow-tie, he's gonna go first!
Get out of here!
Take all your coats off if you want to keep everyone!
Take that army service jacket off...
Get that camera out of my face!
Go, go! Let's go, let's go. Come on!
Run, Stu, RUN!
Let's go, let's go!
- They're coming, guys!
- Shit!
I got one!
My leg! My leg!
Oh, God!
Stu! Stu!
STU!
Stu!
Get off me!
Stu, are you alright?!
Stu!
Stu!
Ah, fuck!
Fuck off!
Get off me!
You stinky piece of assholes!
Stupid werewolves!
Look away Nick!
Don't look at their blood!
Stu!
He's a really good dude!
Leave him alone!
It's too late for him!
- Don't look at the blood Nick!
- Stu!
There he is.
He's probably still a little upset
having seen his
best friend disemboweled by werewolves.
Nick!
I found you.
Whoa!
That was pretty full on, heh?
But this is what happens
when you are a vampire.
You have to watch everyone die.
You're mother and father.
All your friends.
Sometimes brutal.
Like slipping and falling onto a giant spike.
Or falling asleep.
In an autumn pile of leaves,
and having some of them,
block your wind pipe.
Or making the simple mistake,
of fashioning a mask out of crackers,
and being attacked by ducks.
Geese.
Swans.
Or simply dieing of old age.
But even old age is brutal.
Watching your friends...
... grow old.
They can't piss.
And they say stupid things and
their brains go and they
can't remember anything.
And then, one day, they can't even
remember who you are.
And you wish they were dead.
And then they do die.
No.
If I know Stu...
... this was probably the way he wanted to go.
Disemboweled by werewolves.
Blood and guts,
splat onto the trees.
His face torned to shreds.
I hope I made you feel better.
Ah, well, from what we
could see in the beginning
it looks like there's been
a bit of a dog attack.
That's really what happens,
when you get, you know...
dangerous dogs.
Um, straits, not being looked after.
This is not good.
No, not good at all.
There's nicer ways to go, then being...
... torn apart, by what looks like a pack of dogs,
more than just one.
- I say so.
- These attacks have been happening more, more frequent.
They're happening on a monthly bases and
and it's just no good for anybody, okay?
Specially not the dogs.
Certainly not the community.
I've got the bastard.
One of them here, hey?
That's what I'm talking about.
Look at it.
End of the day,
this dog is gonna have to be put down.
What a shame.
Look what you did.
Hey?
He's got the scent again, hasn't he?
He wants to go again. He's not finished.
Yeah.
They say that vampires hearts are cold and dead.
Definitely dead.
- Bye Stu.
- He would have loved his scarf.
It was lovely, loose, knit.
But I don't know.
I think I still feel things inside it.
Deacon!
Deacon!
Deacon, wakey, wakey. Hey!
You don't sleep in here.
The curtain's opened. It's nearly morning.
You want to get sizzled to a crisp.
You know, you could think
a little about these things.
Okay.
- Sorry Viago.
- It's okay.
- Night, night! Okay.
Received at 4:20 AM:
- Stu?!
- Hey, Deacon.
- Stu!
- How is it?
Good to see you.
Look at his face!
I saw them tear you to shreds!
Look! He looks like Seal!
They didn't kill me.
- It looks cool.
- Thank you, thank you.
Meet some of our friends.
Anton, Deacon.
Hi, Anton.
I must have blacked out.
And then, I remember,
- an ambulance.
- He's going into shock.
O'Leary. O'Leary!
Yeah, coming!
- Okay, calm down, mate.
- Calm down.
Looks like rabies, doesn't it?
And I don't know how long after that was,
but like, woke up.
And it was daytime.
And I couldn't find my clothes.
Those werewolves guys...
... eventually found me.
And they had some,
they like, lent me some pants.
So, yeah, those guys have been supporting me.
Cause I was quite confused.
Yeah, these are the guys who, um,
turned me into a werewolf.
You knit your own jersey?
- Yes.
- Oh, yeah?
- I knit.
- Is that the moon, or?
- Yes.
- Hopefully, we won't, you know...
Ah, this is a nice place.
Please, don't, ah, don't lick anything or...
... pee on anything.
We were worried at first, you know, we thought
'Ooh, they are just going to urinate on everything.'
But they actually are really polite and pretty clean.
There was obviously that werewolves smell,
which permeated the entire house
for the first half an hour.
But we opened some windows and
got rid of that.
'What a stupid suggestion, their idea,' I thought.
No way.
You know, walking into the vampire's den.
That's ludicrous.
That's my hand.
But I thought, we'll give it a shot.
You know, I'm the alpha male,
so I made the call.
I'm the alpha male.
- Yes.
- So, generally...
... all of the other guys follow me.
- For Stu!
- For STU!
Thanks guys.
What have you done to your face?
I got attacked by some werewolves.
Army is a werewolf.
Seemed like a very nice person.
So, Katherine is a vampire now.
- Yes.
- We decide to get together.
We just thought, the hell with it, you know.
What have we got to lose?
I was just sitting, doing nothing,
and he came floating in and over to me,
and I recognized him.
It was wonderful.
And then I bit you on the neck.
That's right.
And I don't mind being a vampire.
I'm enjoying it.
Some people freak out a bit
about the age difference.
Uh, they think,
'what's this 96-year old lady doing with a guy,
for times her age.'
- And, you know, I don't care...
- It doesn't make any difference.
No, they can call me cradle-snatcher, who cares.
I decided to bite her and
we're gonna be together forever.
- Wonderful.
- Yeah.
Pauline and I are tentatively back together.
But it's not long before
you remember why it was we
broke up in the first place.
We start in our bedroom,
and I need that totally boarded up or
blacked out somehow.
My husband is my familiar.
So, there has been a dynamic shift there.
You could buy a Bedazzler.
So you write that down. That's B-E-D...
I feel like I'm where I need to be now.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
Great.
But I am your Master.
- Okay?
- Yeah.
Yeah, these guys have to laugh
at my jokes, right guys?
Yeah!
That is a good one.
I always look round to
make sure they're all laughing.
Like, if I see one of them is not
quite laughing I'll be like, 'Hey!'
'You laughing?',
and often I'll test you.
- What are you laughing at, Justin?
- Hey?
- What are you laughing at now?
- Just then?
- Yeah, yeah, but what?
Oh, I don't know.
Ah, test failed! Test failed!
You're laughing now.
What are you laughing at now though?
I don't know cause...
Ah, another failure!
Well, what are you laughing at Stu?
Oh, I was laughing with the group.
Yep, that's good. That's good, yeah.
Just pay attention. Pay attention.
Laugh with the group.
You will not remember the last hour and a half,
of what you have just seen.
You will forget...
... the contents of this movie.