Whatever Works (2009) Movie Script

That's notwhat I'm saying, you imbecile.
God, you completely
misrepresent my ideas!
Why am I even bothering
talking to such idiots?
- Boris, calm down.
- No, don't tell me to... I am calm.
Don'tjump on usjust because we
don't understand what you're saying.
I didn'tjump on you.
It's not the idea behind Christianity
I'm faulting, or Judaism, or any religion.
It's the professionals who've
made it into a corporate business.
There's big money in the
God racket. Big money.
- Here we go.
- We know, Boris.
Hey, the basic teachings of
Jesus are quite wonderful.
So, by the way, is the original
intention of Karl Marx. Okay?
Hey, what could be bad?
Everybody should share equally.
Do unto others. Democracy.
Government by the people.
All great ideas. These are all great ideas,
but they all suffer from one fatal flaw.
- Which is?
- Yeah, what's that?
Which is they're all based
on the fallacious notion
that people are fundamentally decent.
Give them a chance to do
right and they'll take it.
They're not stupid, selfish, greedy,
cowardly, short-sighted worms.
They do the best they can.
Speak foryourself,
man. Speak foryourself.
All I'm saying is that people make
life so much worse than it has to be
and, believe me, it's a
nightmare without their help.
But on the whole, I'm sorry
to say, we're a failed species.
- I wouldn't go that far.
- Not Ed.
That's why this woman you like, Joe,
so what if she's an embalmer's assistant,
so she stinks from formaldehyde?
For Christ's sake, you got to take
what little pleasure you can find
in this chamber of horrors.
A little formaldehyde,
okay, but she reeks of it.
You know, they don't knowyour
story. Boris, tell them your story.
My story is, whateverworks. You know,
as long as you don't hurt anybody.
Any way you can filch a little joy
in this cruel, dog-eat-dog, pointless,
black chaos. That's my story.
No. That's not... Tell them the story.
- Tell them.
- Yeah. Tell them.
You justwant me to say it
again, so they can hear.
- Who?
- Them.
- Who?
- Who's them?
- You see something out there?
- Where?
What are you? An imbecile?
There's an audience full
of people looking at us.
- An audience?
- What's he talking about?
You feel you're being watched.
They paid good money for
tickets, hard-earned money,
so some moron in Hollywood
can buy a bigger swimming pool.
Okay, you're saying there are human beings
out there who bought tickets to watch us.
Well, mostly they're
interested in me, I have to say.
Yeah, they're just sitting
there. Don't you see them?
Some are eating popcorn, some
are just staring straight ahead
breathing through their
mouths like Neanderthals.
So they're there to
listen to your story?
- Total delusions of grandeur.
- Completely.
Why would you want to hear my story?
Do we know each other?
Do we like each other?
Let me tell you right off, okay?
I'm not a likeable guy. Charm
has never been a priority with me.
And just so you know, this is not
the feel-good movie ofthe year.
So ifyou're one ofthose
idiots who needs to feel good,
go get yourself a foot massage.
- Mom, that man's talking to himself!
- Come away, Justin.
What the hell does it all mean
anyhow? Nothing. Zero. Zilch.
Nothing comes to anything, and yet
there's no shortage of idiots to babble.
Not me. I have a vision.
I'm discussing you.
Your friends, your co-workers,
your newspapers, the TV.
Everybody's happy to talk,
full of misinformation.
Morality, science, religion,
politics, sports, love.
Your portfolio, your
children, health. Christ.
If I have to eat nine servings
offruits and vegetables a day to live,
I don'twant to live. I hate
goddamn fruits and vegetables.
And your omega-3's and the
treadmill and the cardiogram
and the mammogram and
the pelvic sonogram
and, oh, my God, the colonoscopy!
And with it all, the day still
comes when they put you in a box
and it's on to the next
generation of idiots
who'll also tell you all about life
and define foryou what's appropriate.
My father committed suicide because
the morning newspapers depressed him.
And could you blame him?
With the horror and corruption
and ignorance and poverty
and genocide and AIDS and
global warming and terrorism
and the family-value
morons and the gun morons!
"The horror," Kurtz said at the end
of Heart ofDarkness. "The horror. "
Lucky Kurtz didn't have the Times delivered
in the jungle, then he'd see some horror.
Butwhat do you do?
You read about some massacre in Darfur
or some school bus gets blown up,
and you go, "Oh, my God, the horror!"
And then you turn the page and finish
your eggs from free-range chickens.
Because what can you
do? It's overwhelming.
I tried to commit suicide myself.
Obviously, it didn'twork out.
Butwhy do you even want to hear about all
this? Christ, you got your own problems.
I'm sure you're all obsessed with any
number of sad little hopes and dreams.
Your predictably unsatistying love
lives. Your failed business ventures.
"Oh, if only I'd bought that stock!"
"If only I had purchased
that house years ago!"
"If only I had made
a move on thatwoman. "
Ifthis, ifthat. You knowwhat?
Give me a break with your "could
haves" and "should haves. "
Like my mother used to say,
"If my grandmother had wheels,
she'd be a trolley car. "
My mother didn't have wheels.
She had varicose veins.
Still, the woman gave
birth to a brilliant mind.
I was considered for a
Nobel Prize in physics.
I didn't get it.
But, you know, it's all politics,
just like every other phony honor.
Incidentally, don't think I'm bitter
because of some personal setback.
By the standards of a mindless, barbaric
civilization, I've been pretty lucky.
I was married to a beautiful
woman, who had family money.
Foryears we lived on Beekman Place.
I taught at Columbia. String theory.
What's the matter, Boris?
I'm dying!
What is it?
I'm dying!
Should I call an ambulance?
No! No, not now! No, not
tonight! I mean, eventually!
- Boris, everybody dies.
- It's unacceptable!
Your panic attacks are getting
more frequent and more intense.
You have to go back on your medicine.
I'm not going back on
my goddamn medicine.
I won't have my mind
befuddled by chemicals
when I'm the only one who sees the
whole picture for exactly what it is.
Where's the goddamn vodka?
Boris, I have clients
to see tomorrow morning.
- It is 4:00 a. m!
- Clients. Right. Wealthy bankers.
To design their chic apartment, to fill
it full of art and expensive possessions,
so they can flaunt their money
and be in the top 1% ofthis
shameful, violent, prejudiced,
illiterate, sexually repressed,
self-righteous nation!
Christ, it is 4:00 a. m. Can you
spare me this sophomoric tirade!
I'm a man with a huge worldview.
I'm surrounded by microbes!
And what about me? Am I a microbe?
Is our son at Yale a microbe?
Let's face it, Jessica, okay?
Our marriage hasn't
been a garden of roses.
Botanically speaking, you're
more of a Venus flytrap.
You are a very difficult
man to live with.
- Is thatwhy you had an affeir?
- I didn't have an affeir.
Itwas a brief interlude of
infidelity, and it happened years ago.
You still can't forget it!
I see everything so
clearly now. Everything!
- I married you for all the wrong reasons.
- What's that supposed to mean?
You're brilliant. I
wanted someone to talk to.
You loved classical music, you
loved art, you loved literature.
You loved sex! You loved me!
Those sound like pretty
good reasons to me!
Yes! Exactly! That's the
problem! That's the problem!
Itwas rational, it made sense!
I don't knowwhatwentwrong.
When you examine it, there
is so much right about us.
On paperwe're ideal.
But life isn't on paper.
Boris? Boris, what are you doing?
Close the window!
Boris!
Can you believe I hit the
canopy? I hit the goddamn canopy.
Months in the hospital! Moron
doctors! Look. Look at this limp.
I never had a limp before.
Meanwhile, I divorced Jessica,
moved downtown and gave up.
I eke out a meager living teaching
chess to incompetent zombies.
Checkmate, you little patzer.
Hey! He's only eight years old, Mr. Yellnikoff.
You're supposed to be teaching him...
He'll be an incompetent idiot at 58.
More important than how I make my
living, is why I bother to live at all.
Nights, I have trcuble sleeping
and hang out on Mott Street,
tcting to explain to cretins that while
a black man got into the White House
he still can't get a cab in New York.
Almost 100 years after
the abolition of slavery,
a man couldn't play a game of baseball in
the big leagues if his skin colorwas black.
You're harping on one point.
Oh, good. Okay, forget
blacks. Take Jews.
- What?
- Here we go.
Foryears they restricted the number
of Jews in schools, medical schools.
In America, as much as they hated
blacks, they hate Jews even more.
Blacks they were scared had too big a penis.
Jews they hated, even with little penises.
For God's sake, I'm eating here.
You! I've been looking foryou.
- I want to talk to you.
- Who are you?
Did you pick up a chessboard full of pieces
and hit my son with it at his lesson today?
That idiot's your son?
Do me a favor. Don't send
that cretin to me anymore.
I can't teach an
empty-headed zombie chess.
I'll have you know that
he is a very bright child.
In your opinion. In your opinion.
Which is skewed, because
he's your unfortunate issue.
So you threw a chessboard at him?
I didn't throw it at him.
I picked up the board and
dumped the pieces on his head
as an object lesson to shake
him out of his vegetable torpor.
You wait until my husband
gets back from Florida.
- What's he doing in Florida without you?
- He will punch you in the nose.
Her husband's in Fort Lauderdale.
He's probably hanging outwith
naked coeds on spring break.
He tells her it's a business trip.
Your son's an imbecile. Teach
him tiddlywinks, not chess.
You handled that beautifully, Boris.
You know, you should open the
Boris Yellnikoff Charm School.
Let's get out of here.
It's late. I'm tired.
Good night, Boris.
What? What are you doing?
Where are you going? That's it?
- Sir?
- Hey! What?
What the hell are you doing? My
God, you scared me. For God's sake!
You creep up on me like that, you
little vagrant. What do you want?
Can you help me get something to eat?
Oh, God, no, I don't carry
any money. Now, come on,
you can tell that to your
partner, wherever he's hiding.
- Please, I'm so hungry!
- Back up! Back up!
I haven't had anything to eat all
day. I think I'm going to faint.
Yeah, listen, I'm wise to
that scam, little girl, okay?
I know about professional beggar school.
Please, I'm desperate.
God, stop that! You look
terrible! What's wrong with you?
Just... All right.
Come up for two minutes.
That's it. And then...
- And then go.
- Thank you!
Two minutes, okay? That's it.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear
Boris Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear
Boris Happy birthday to you
Is this your birthday?
You don't knowyou have to sing Happy
Birthdaytwice to get the germs off?
You said you were
starving. What do you like?
I like oysters, blackened redfish,
gumbo, crab legs, black-eyed...
Are you nuts? What do you think
I'm running? A Creole restaurant?
- How about a can of sardines?
- Oh, yes, please.
Gumbo. So what's your name?
Melody. Melody Celestine.
Melody Celestine.
Melody SaintAnne Celestine.
It's French. My mama's
family was from New Orleans.
I'm from Mississippi, Mr...
Muggeridge. Lionel Muggeridge.
Mr. Muggeridge.
Eden, Mississippi. You ever hear of it?
No, I haven't. Not even the people
who live there have heard of it.
So...
So what are you running away from?
Home.
Could you be more specific, Melanie?
Melody. Melanie was
from Gone with the Wind.
Oh, yeah. I preferred the
one who played Scarlett.
Why? Melanie was the nice
one. She marries Ashley.
Ashley. What an imbecile!
I couldn't stand him, I
couldn't stand his wife,
that goody two-shoes, sexual nothing.
Scarlett, bitch that she
was, with those green eyes...
You know, I came in first dressed as
Scarlett O'Hara in one ofthe pageants.
Pageant?
My mom always used to keep me
busy in all these beauty contests.
That's why I didn't
get to schooling much.
All right, my advice
to you, go back home.
Oh, no, I'm never going back home.
You're a brainless little twit who
won't last three days in NewYork.
You'd be dead now of starvation if I
hadn't a heart as big as all outdoors.
I can't go back home, Mr. Muggeridge.
- All right, stop calling me Muggeridge.
- But that's your name.
No, it's not my name. My
name is Boris Yellnikoff.
I was using an alias. I thought, who knows,
you might be from the Taliban or something.
Can I stay here?
Stay here? What are you?
Nuts? How old are you?
- I'm 21. -
Twenty-one? Yeah.
You're 21 like I play for
the Yankees. Twenty-one!
You're a professional
athlete with that limp?
- Oh, Christ!
- All right, look, I don'twant to go back.
Okay? I want to make a
new life here in NewYork.
You'll wind up a prostitute, like those
Asian girls who come here full of high hopes.
And then they wind up
turning tricks to keep alive.
And many ofthem are
actually good-looking.
That's so funny you just mentioned
tricks! You know, I do magic.
I do. I can showyou. I just need...
Do you have any silk handkerchiefs?
Yeah, you know, some
other time, you're...
Look, you're a sweet kid.
Stupid beyond all comprehension,
but you'll never survive here. You
got nothing going foryou. Zero. Zilch.
You know, you may be beauty
contest material in the Deep South,
but this is the big time.
Here, you're a three.
A five maybe afteryou bathe.
Did you get that limp
playing for the Yankees?
Imbecile child. Brainless inchworm.
I didn't play for the Yankees!
I was being sarcastic before.
- Oh, you... I took it seriously.
- Yes.
I usually getjokes. At the church's
social, I was the comedian twice.
- I've a way with jokes. Yes.
- Really?
- Spare me and just get out.
- No, Mr. Muggeridge...
Stop calling me Muggeridge,
okay? I already explained that!
I know, I know. I'm sorry. I just...
I just need a place to stay for a
few nights, till I get on my feet.
I don't have anywhere to go.
And ifyou throw me out and I
wind up an Asian prostitute,
that's gonna be on your conscience.
I give up. Sleep on the couch, imbecile.
I'm too tired to prolong this brutal exchange
between a bedraggled microbe
and a Nobel-level thinker.
- Keep out of my way.
- I will, I promise.
I'm just gonna use the
little girl's to freshen up,
and then I'm gonna go right to sleep.
Yes, yes, use the little girl's. Freshen
up. Don't forget to tip the attendant.
- I won't. Thank you so much, Mr...
- Oh, what?
- You were going to say Muggeridge again?
- No!
It's Boris Yellnikoff! You call
me Muggeridge one more time,
I'm gonna throwyou
out the goddamn window.
- Do you mind if I watch a little TV?
- Yes, I do, simpleton.
I just like to turn some
on at night to unwind.
Yeah. You touch that dial, I'll unwind your
head with my bare hands. How about that?
- Did you hear about Boris?
- What?
I tried to call him yesterday
and a woman answered the phone.
No! Who is she?
He got conned into
letting some little runaway
bed down in his apartment while
she looks for ajob and gets settled.
Apparently she's never
been to NewYork before
and she's asked him if
he would show her around.
- Boris is going to be sightseeing?
- Yeah.
- Not a chance.
- No way.
No way.
My whole life I've lived in NewYork,
I neverwanted to go to Grant's Tomb.
- Now I knowwhy.
- Why?
I should never go to a tomb, ever.
My mom brought me up to believe that
the good Lord has a plan
thatwe're all a part of.
- He has His eye on the sparrow.
- Yeah, I pity the sparrow.
I'm not getting into
heaven, though. I sinned.
You? You're kidding. You sinned?
I made love before I was married.
Oh, my God.
Plenty of my friends have, but in
my house, that'sjust unforgivable.
I just couldn't resist Bobby Klaxon.
All right, okay, spare
me the details, all right.
No, itwas really beautiful!
I mean, he wasjust
this pretty boy guitar player
in this amazing rock band.
I mean, ifyou think you're a
genius, he can double on the drums.
- No! Doubles on drums?
- Yeah.
All the girls had a crush
on him, but he liked me.
He was so sweet and sensitive,
and he caught the biggest
catfish in Plaquemines County.
I wondered who caught that catfish.
Hey, you know, my mom always told me
that itwas gonna hurt the first time,
you know, she said itwas, you know,
it's a woman's duty to just
lie down, bear it and...
You know, she said there were a lot of
perversions involved, and that, you know,
it's God's will, you shouldn't do it
unless you were married and
you planned to have kids and...
She said it could be dangerous,
but I just felt like itwas
the most natural thing in the
world. You know, itjust felt right.
And all the little extras were just
fun. Itwasn't complicated at all.
And I think Bobby really liked it, because
he was going to dump his Betty Jo Cleary,
this girl he was going steady with.
But I wouldn't, I wouldn't hear of it.
Itwasjustwhat itwas, you know, itwas a
nice moment behind the tent at the fish fry.
That is the most disgusting
story I've ever heard.
You and this adenoidal guitar player slaking
your lust at some barbaric social function.
You don't like to make love?
No, I do not. No.
That's crazy!
Boris, do you want to
be buried or cremated?
All right, I really don'twant
to talk about that. Okay?
- I think I want to be cremated.
- All right, will you shut up, cretin?
There's no worms.
- What is this?
- A knish.
And what's it made of?
I've been eating these things
foryears, they're delicious.
I don't knowwhat's in them.
I don'twant to knowwhat's in
them. Don't even talk about it!
- Oh, my God! The horror! The horror!
- Boris!
- Are you all right? What happened?
- No, I'm not all right.
- Are you sick?
- No.
Did you have a bad dream?
Yeah, itwas terrible.
- Come here. It's okay.
- Oh, I can't...
Oh, baby, you're
sweating. Come sit down.
Night sweats. I get them.
I used to think itwas AIDS, but it'sjust
that I have a morbid fear of the dark
- and you turned my night-light
off! - Oh, I'm sorry.
Does your stomach hurt?
Could it be the kwish?
Knish! Not kwish.
Well, here, I'll put something on TV.
- I saw the abyss.
- Don'tworry, we'll watch something else.
- Oh, this is...
- Yeah.
Fred Astaire. Yeah.
Leave that.
That's good. Leave that.
There, that's it, okay? Can
we get the hell out of here?
Oh, my God, that's it!
It's the actual one!
I've only seen it in pictures!
"Bring me your tired, your
poor, your huddled masses... "
I'm surprised you know
that, terrible as it is.
I closed with it for the Miss Greenwood,
Mississippi pageant. I think it's so moving.
But the huddled masses were
neverwelcomed with open arms.
Soon as they came over, each ethnic
group was metwith violence and hostility.
Each one had to claw
and fight its way in.
People always hated foreigners.
It's the American way.
Our pageants like to focus on
the positive things aboutAmerica.
Yeah. The blacks were kidnapped
from Africa! Chained in ships!
My daddy says that America
bends over backwards
for the blacks because we
feel guilty, and it's crazy.
Oh, yeah, your daddy. Your daddy's a
cracker. He's a bigot moron. Your daddy!
Well, you're probably right,
'cause you're a genius,
but for a little Mississippi girl
like me, this is really exciting!
So what kind of genius are you, anyway?
- What kind?
- Yeah, what are you genius at?
Quantum mechanics.
Yeah, butwhat field? Like, music?
When you see kids tossing a ball, does
it ever make you miss spring training?
All right, I've never played for
the Yankees. Do you understand that?
I have never played any sports
whatsoever in my life! Okay? Ever!
Joe, Leo, you gotta help me
out. I can't take it anymore.
- Just kick her out.
- Can you believe it's been a month already?
- A whole month? God, time flies.
- Well put.
Well, at least is she pretty?
- She's won some beauty contests.
- No.
Tall? Short? Blonde? Describe her.
Well, she's blonde.
Nice height. Nice eyes.
Didn't quite realize how blue
they were that first night.
Her face is a little more symmetrical
than I had originally conceived.
She's not a ten. In a pinch, six.
- Good in bed?
- Howwould I know? I justwant her out.
- Can I ask you to dance with me?
- It's too crowded.
I don't mean now. In a few minutes,
the dance will be over
and evectone will go home.
Well, the band will go home, too.
Why, there'll just be the two of us
left, and we can imagine the music.
We can pretend there's
a big orchestra ofviolins
and they're playing
just for us as we dance.
You know, it's been proven
television eats away the brain.
Oh, hi! Shoot, I was gonna surprise you!
What? What's all this?
I'm making you a special dinner.
- Really? For me?
- Yeah.
And me, 'cause we're celebrating.
We are? What is it?
- Crawfish! I found some at the market.
- Jesus. It's stinking up the whole house!
No, they're so good. You'll love them.
Listen, Melody,
seriously, we have to talk.
Oh, yeah. I know. We'll talk
over dinner. It's almost done.
Melody, you're a very nice
young woman. Really, very nice.
You have a lot of nice attributes,
but, you know, you just can't
continue to stay here ad infinitum.
Yeah, yeah, but that's
my news. Guess what?
I got ajob! I can start paying you rent.
Rent? I don'twant you to pay me rent!
I want my life back. What kind ofjob?
I start tomorrow as a dog walker.
A dog walker? Oh, my God. Seriously...
Melody, don't you think you should
go back home and finish high school,
maybe even go to college?
I thought the other night you
were talking about how America has
one ofthe worst education
systems in the Old West.
- No, no, the Western world.
- Yeah, right, exactly,
and how most collegesjust turn
out mindless zombie morons.
You could benefit from classes.
I think the crawfish are ready.
What is that song?
They played that song the first
time I went outwith Jessica.
- Where did you go?
- We went to a dance.
We were both students at
the University of Chicago.
She had a high IQ and a low-cut dress.
Boy, they really don'twrite
them like they used to.
Oh! That's a clich.
Good, Melody. You caught it.
Well, you always get
so mad when I do them.
Yeah, I shouldn't
really. Sometimes a clich
is finally the bestway
to make one's point.
Boris,
whatwould you say if I was to say
that I was developing
a little crush on you?
- I'd say don't.
- Why?
Because anything deeper, more significant
between us, is out ofthe question.
Because why?
Because it's too preposterous
to even dignity with an answer.
It is?
Every single thing is against it.
Our ages, our backgrounds,
our brains, our interests.
Not to mention, I have no desire to have
a relationship with a woman, any woman,
nor any urge to make love,
nor any desire to be anything
but isolated from the world.
And, you know, you're a beautiful girl
who should be meeting normal
healthy men and going out.
Yeah, but I don't like
normal healthy men.
I like you.
I... You're hallucinating! I'm
sure you'll make some man very happy
at a fish fry or a dog fight
or howeveryou people spend time.
You really think I'm beautiful?
I admit I didn't give you your
full due at first, physically.
However, as only a great mind can do,
I've reassessed my
position, and changed my mind.
So you could never think of marrying me?
Have you lost your mind?
Why on Earth would you even
fantasize about such a thing?
What could I offeryou, but a
bad temper, hypochondriasis,
morbid fixations, reclusive
rages and misanthropy?
And what could you offer me?
A character out of
Faulkner, not unlike Benjy.
The answer to your question is no.
I think you should stay here for
a while, accumulate some money,
and then find a place ofyour
own, and move on with your life.
Well, what about your life?
Let me teach you
something about love. Okay?
Naturally, there are exceptions
to what I'm going to say,
but they're the exception, not the rule.
Love, despite what they tell you,
does not conquer all. Nor
does it even usually last.
In the end, the romantic
aspirations of ouryouth
are reduced to
whateverworks. Okay?
Why do I think your bark
is worse than your bite?
Clich, Melody.
Oh, I don't care! Ifthe shoe fits,
wear it, and that's another one.
We need to talk for a minute.
Can you believe this little
inchworm setting her sights on me?
Yes, yes, we had some pleasant moments.
Some dinners, some walks in the park.
I gave her the benefit of my
vast knowledge and experience.
Tried to impart to her
the perceptions and values
of a truly original mentality.
I only wish I could
do a Pygmalion on her.
But if Henry Higgins ever tried to
transform Melody SaintAnne Celestine,
he, too, would have
jumped out the window.
Come on.
- Oh, boy! New friends.
- I'm sorry.
Oh, yeah. They like each other.
It's okay. I rather like dogs.
Well, I'm more of a cat person, myself.
I just do this professionally. Sorry.
I never met a professional dog walker.
Really? It's not really the
career that I want, but...
What do you want to do?
I'd like to work with children.
You're very pretty, you know that?
- Shut up! Thank you.
- Can I ask your name?
It's Melody. Melody SaintAnne Celestine.
What a beautiful name!
Mine's Perry Singleton.
- It's nice to meet you.
- Yes, nice to meet you.
May I walk along with you?
I don't see why not, you know,
since we're all doomed anyway.
- Pardon me?
- Well, you know, everything ends.
I don't think I follow.
Well, you know, it's like
the cosmos, or eternity.
Whichever's bigger. I just
know thatwe're all flying apart.
What is that? What is
that? Is that a move?
Well, I thought your bishop was...
My bishop what? What?
You patzer, you earthworm!
How many times do I have to tell
you? You don't take that pawn.
That's called the poisoned
pawn, because look!
- Boris!
- Look what happens!
- Sorry, Mr. Yellnikoff.
- Yeah, you're sorry,
you're sorry. Use your head
next time, you won't be sorry!
- Boris!
- Yeah. Do your homework nextweek.
Don'twaste my time.
- Hey!
- Poisoned!
I got offwork early today and I thought
maybe we could walk home together.
Maybe I can make black-eyed
peas and crab cakes for dinner.
- No, I'm not hungry.
- What's the matter?
- My ulcer's been killing me all day.
- I thought you didn't have an ulcer.
No, I said they can't find an
ulcer, not that I don't have one.
Those malpractice
medical mental midgets.
They drop that endoscope down my
throat and probe me like coal miners,
and they always come up with nothing!
Well, guess what happened today?
I got to talking to this boy on the
job, and he asked me out on a date.
Really?
I could tell he liked me right off
and we went and had coffee and
just had, you know, funny banter.
You knowwhat banter is,
it's like flirty talk.
Yeah, yeah, I'm familiarwith banter.
Yeah, so, anyway, he
asked if I had a boyfriend.
I said, "Not really. " He said,
"I'll pick you up Friday at 8:00."
What do you think?
Great. I just hope he's
not a Ted Bundy, you know.
A who?
You have to keep an eye
out for serial killers.
He's not a serial killer. At
least he didn't mention it.
Yeah, well, you have to be careful.
Sometimes they put you in the trunk
of a car and you can't breathe.
I'm not... I'm serious.
I told him your theory
about capital punishment.
What did you say?
That it should include people that
don't pick up after their dogs,
people who ride their bikes on the sidewalk,
people who call mothers "moms" and...
I can't remember them
all, you have so many.
- How do I look?
- Subnormal.
Why? What's wrong?
That's an awfully aggressive ensemble.
You looking to wind up
in an abortion clinic?
I want to look nice.
Just kind of give him an idea ofwhat he
might be in for if he plays his cards right.
Oh, yeah? What's he in for?
All the stuffwith a
woman that you reject,
because you're a genius
and you're above it all.
But I happen to be pretty sharp, too,
and I have a natural talent
in the field of fooling around.
Yeah, well, I just hope
you're saving your money
so you can move out quickly, you
know, now that you're working.
- Hi, Perry! - Hey. Sorry I'm late.
I got stuck on the train.
No, it's fine. Come on in.
This is Perry.
Hi. Your daughter is very
lovely, Mr. Celestine.
I'm not her father.
Grandfather?
Perry, I told you I was
staying with a friend.
So what do you do, Perry?
He's studying. Investments
and investing things.
You got any
identification?
- Pardon me? - You know,
driver's license, birth certificate.
No, sir. I never carry around my
birth certificate. Why would I?
Be careful, Bundy
sometimes posed as a banker.
I'm just gonna go finish getting
ready. I'll be right back.
Melody tells me you're
a very brilliant man.
If an IQ of 200 is brilliant.
She explained to me your theory
about life being meaningless.
Don't let it spoil your evening.
- Okay, let's go, Perry.
- Okay.
Hey! Come here.
- Don't give him any information about me.
- Like what?
You know, dates, credit card
numbers, blood type, things like that.
Goodbye, Boris.
Oh, and hey, if I'm not here
when you get back, don'tworry.
Oh? Where are you going?
- Out.
- Okay, fine.
- Yeah, I have friends, too.
- Okay. Yeah.
I even heard the opening's
supposed to be good.
Yeah, they are. Have
you seen them before?
No, no. This is my
first concert in NewYork.
You didn't tell me that.
Get the hell out of here. In America,
they have summer camps for everything.
Rich kids, basketball camp, magic camp.
- Tennis camp.
- Tennis camp. Movie director camp!
They should have a concentration camp.
Two weeks mandatory
for all kids growing up,
so they would finally understand
what the human race is capable of.
Brilliant! Exceptwho'd send
their kid to a concentration camp?
A responsible parent who wants
their child to grasp reality.
All right, all right, let's change the
subject. Meanwhile, Harry Lawson died.
- Harry Lawson?
- Yeah, I heard.
- Yeah. Just celebrated his 51st birthday.
- Really?
- What a great chemist.
- But he was a smoker.
A smoker. The minute a person
dies, he's a smoker or overweight.
Hey, I got news foryou, thin
non-smokers die, too. Okay?
Abstinence isn't going to save you.
You're pleasant tonight.
- What are you talking about?
- Where's Melody tonight?
She's out listening to some
eardrum-busting bilge posing as music.
I thought you were
going to kick her out.
Well, hopefully this guy tonight
will take her off my hands.
You know, why not? I mean, she's pretty.
Now she's pretty?
What? I'm just saying she's not
atrocious-looking. That's all.
I'd say a seven or eight.
Anybody here?
- Oh, you're up!
- Yeah, I just got in.
And what did you do?
I went dancing at a Latin
club. Itwas limbo night.
Shut up!
You were talking about people
and politics and all that
stuff you guys like to hate.
Howwas your date?
- Itwas a big washout! Yeah.
- Really?
This particular rock band wasn't any good?
I don't know howyou can differentiate?
No! No, the musicwas fine.
- Just that guy and his friends! I just...
- What?
Well, his taste! He
just... He likes everything.
Life, love, human beings!
And the couple thatwe double-dated
with, they were just protons!
- Protons?
- Do I mean protons?
Cretins!
Cretins, that's what I mean. Yeah, they didn't
know the first thing about string theory.
I think you're a little drunk.
I did have a few drinks.
But can you blame me? Hanging
outwith those inchworms?
I mean, they actually think that
love is the answer to everything.
I told them about Jethro
Paige from back home.
He got caught doing itwith a
sheep. Making love with a sheep.
And they were all
laughing and everything,
but I just looked at
them and said, "Folks,
"as Boris would say, whateverworks. "
- What are you looking at?
- Unbelievable.
The chance factor in
life is mind-boggling.
You entered the world
by a random event
somewhere along the Mississippi.
I, having emerged through the conjoining
of Sam and Yetta
Yellnikoff in the Bronx,
decades earlier.
And through an astronomical
concatenation of circumstances,
our paths cross.
Two runaways
in the vast,
black,
unspeakably violent
and indifferent universe.
Can you believe I married
her? What possessed me?
This search in life for something
to give the illusion of meaning.
To quell the panic.
All right, so it's been a year.
Three hundred and sixty-five
days of married life.
And you knowwhat? Not the
worst year of my life, either.
What are these?
- They're grits.
- Seriously?
They're actually disgusting.
She's cheerful, not demanding.
Okay, not as brilliant as Jessica, but
not as ambitious and predatoct, either.
Jessica's prcblem was she made up
in ego what she lacked in superego.
But not Melody.
She likes being a nanny. She's
happy with other people's kids,
so mercifully she doesn't
bother me about having our own.
Once a week we see a movie.
Maybe she doesn't understand
evectthing I take herto,
but she tries and she's a good sport.
She sits up nights with me
when I have my panic attacks.
She keeps me company
at the emergency rcom
when I'm convinced my
mosquito bite is a melanoma.
Yes, my life is circumscribed,
but I manage to avoid stress.
I've achieved a delicate balance.
And as long as I can maintain it,
I feel less inclined to ending it.
Oh, no, no, no.
- Unacceptable. Come on, this is not good.
- What?
I like music I can dance to.
I know, I know, but this is brutal.
Here, you knowwhat I want you to do?
Put this on. Okay? And then when
I come out, we'll discuss it.
All right, I'll try.
It's Beethoven's Fifth!
Think of the music as
fate knocking on the door.
Maybe a little story will
help you appreciate it.
Fate knocking on the door.
- Mother?
- Melody!
Oh, it's you!
- Oh, my God.
- It's my baby!
I finally found you, praise Jesus!
How did you find me?
Oh, my prayers were finally answered!
I can't... You're just the
last person I expected to see.
Well, when you least expect it, fate
has a way of knocking on your door.
Yeah, it does. Okay. Oh, you have a bag.
What are you doing here?
- Well, I was trying to find you, honey.
- Why?
- I came to find you, honey!
- You did?
Oh, we searched and searched.
The police looked for clues.
Everything led to a dead end.
Howwe worried. I developed
crow's feet from the worrying.
Now look here. I had a little work done.
Mother, I left you a letter.
I told you I'd be all right.
Melody SaintAnne, I'd
hardly call this all right!
Well, what's wrong with it?
What's wrong? What's
happened to your senses?
Everything's wrong. You're
living like a sharecropper.
But it's clean as a whistle.
I clean it myself every day.
You clean? You don't have a woman?
Boris can't really afford help.
- Who?
- Boris.
- Who's Boris?
- My husband.
- What?
- That's right, Mama, I got married.
- And he's taken you to live here?
- No, no, I moved in with him.
I have to have a drink.
I need to sit. I need an anesthetic.
Okay, okay, have a seat. We
don't have any bourbon or nothing.
Just bring me the drink with the
highest volume of alcohol you have.
You know, Mama, I'm kind of happy.
Kind of happy?
You leave a loving home in Eden,
run offwith some crazy kid, I'm
guessing he's a rock musician
who can't earn a respectable
living, and you wind up
in this decadent city,
living in a rattrap.
This is exactly why I ran away.
Why, why, Miss Sweet Pea? Why
did you forsake your loving home?
Because, Mama, you're...
You're overbearing. That's
it. You're overbearing
and you fail to see the big picture.
What big picture are you talking about?
I don't know.
All I know is that nothing moves
faster than the speed of light,
so you may as well relax.
I'm just gonna have a
little moment of prayer.
Mama, you're still caught up
in that Christian superstition?
Happy birthday to you
What's that?
That's Boris.
It's his birthday?
No, he'sjustwashing his hands.
Happy birthday, dear
Boris Happy birthday to you
Who's this?
Boris, this is my mother.
Mother, my husband.
Mama! Mama!
Walk her around, she's
obviously a boozehound.
Mama, are you all right?
- Did he drug you?
- What?
- Are you on sodium pentothal?
- No.
That's what they do,
the secular humanists.
It's uncanny. She's exactly
the kind of moron you described.
You are not the
gentleman I was expecting.
I'm sure not. I'm sure you'd be happy
if she married the guy who caught the
biggest catfish in Plaquemines County.
I'd be happier if she
married the catfish.
No, you see, Mama,
Boris is a genius. Okay?
He doesn't have a lot of
patience for us inchworms.
- We, we inchworms.
- We.
Some genius.
I was almost nominated
for a Nobel Prize.
That's right, Boris. And whatwas
it for again? Best Picture?
I need more booze.
You know, you never
said howyou found me.
Oh, Melody. I have a
sad tale to tell you.
What happened, Mama?
Your father left me.
- Aren't you shocked?
- No.
And with who, of all people?
- My best friend, Mandy.
- Your best friend, Mandy.
- How did you know?
- Oh, Mama.
Itwas as plain as the nose
on your face. Clich, sorry.
At first I thought he
was acting peculiar,
because things was going
so bad for us, darling.
How often did you have intercourse?
Are you going to close
that insulting mouth?
By bad, I mean he lost a lot of money
in the stock market afteryou left
and we were forced to sell the house.
- You sold the house?
- I'm sorry, yes. We took a beating,
because we were so desperate.
And then he lost hisjob, the
company went out of business.
And then we spent all our
savings on medical bills,
'cause I came down with
a case of the shingles!
- Oh, my God.
- Christ, this is like Job. No locusts?
Darling, I turned to Jesus in a
deeperway than I had ever done in my life.
I prayed and I prayed,
every day and every night,
asking God to help me.
Let me guess what happened,
your shingles gotworse.
I said, "Lord, just give me one sign
that all my suffering is for a purpose. "
I said, "Please, God,
just say something. "
"Break your silence. I
can't take any more misery!"
Nothing, right? And all that money
you put in the tin box every Sunday.
Abortion is murder, that's
the long and short of it.
- That's how I feel. Well...
- Even if the woman is raped?
Why are you wasting
your breath, Brockman?
You're dealing with an aborigine.
You don't mind killing the unborn,
butwhen some fiend
has raped and murdered,
you're against giving him
that big old injection?
Well, not me, Mr. Genius, and I don't
care how many Academy Awards you've won.
I've neverwon an Academy Award and
I've never played for the Yankees!
- Where's the little girl's? Thank you.
- It's back there.
Don't forget to sing The
Star-Spangled Bannerbeforeyou sit.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
I realize this is forward, butwho's
that beautiful young girl you're with?
May I ask why you want to know?
Well, because she's very beautiful.
And I'm assuming she's your daughter?
What did you say your name was, darling?
- Randy. Randy Lee James.
- Randy Lee James.
Nice to meet you.
It's too good. I think they're
putting mayonnaise in here.
- No, they can't put mayonnaise in hummus.
- Hello.
Oh, thank you.
- Who were you talking to?
- I wasn't talking to anybody. Nobody.
Listen, listen, I want
to go someplace fun.
Take me someplace fun!
It's NewYork! Let's go.
Boris, where can I take her that's fun?
How about the Holocaust Museum?
- Oh, for God's sake, Boris.
- No.
- Oh, the wax! The wax figures.
- Oh, yes.
- Yes, yes, let's go. Come on.
- Let's do that.
- Itwas so nice to meet you, Leo.
- You, too. Have a nice day.
- Bye. Bye, bye.
- Bye.
Have fun!
You know, I have to say, even with
a textbook right-wing mentality,
your mother-in-law has
beautifully shaped breasts.
You know, you're a man of learning,
of cultivation of aesthetic sensibility.
This is what you take away
from the school-prayer hokum
and "my country right
orwrong"? Her bosom?
It's notjust her bosom. Her behind
is also beautifully contoured.
Well, I'm sure you'll have no
problem getting her into bed.
She's vulnerable, she's stupid
and she's been abandoned.
Personally, I lose
all erotic inclination
when the woman's a member of
the National Rifle Association.
It's pear-shaped.
Degas used to distinguish between an
apple-shaped behind and pear-shaped.
And I'm a big fruit eater.
- Melody.
- That's so weird.
Oh, my God. Oh, hello.
- They're made out of real wax, too.
- Oh, it's Billy. Billy...
Billy Graham!
Oh, sweet pea, sweet pea, this is the
kind of man you should be married to,
not that Communist who
sings Happy Birthday
every time he washes his hands.
How long are you staying, Mom?
Honey, I don't knowwhere else to go.
I have nothing to hold onto.
Nothing! I have to have something.
I mean, I'm never going to attract
a man again, but you can. Yes.
I don'twant to get in an argument.
Honey, I met a young man
today who is perfect foryou.
- Mom!
- Yes. Listen to me.
He is talented, handsome, sweet,
and he has the proper reverence
for life and its higher purpose.
What are you talking about?
Face it, Melody, Boris is
not like a real husband.
He's more of an outpatient
and you're his keeper.
I really wish you hadn't showed up, Mom.
- His name is Randy Lee James.
- Who?
This delightful young actor. He
fell in love with you at first sight.
- He did. He did.
- Mom, I'm married!
I refuse to recognize it. What are
you doing with a gimpy chess bum
who has to sleep with the light
on? How'd he get that limp?
He jumped out the window
and his suicide didn'twork.
Well, you can'twin
them all. Now, listen,
I have a good lawyer who
can get all ofthis annulled.
- All of it. Yes. Yes.
- No, no, Mom, no, you're crazy!
Oh, hello.
Happy birthday, dear
Boris Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear Boris
Happy birthday to you
- Who could be calling at midnight?
- Could be burglars, casing the place.
- To steal what? Your Flomax?
- Hello?
Oh, hi.
Yeah, just a second.
- It's for me?
- Yes.
Don't give away any
information about me!
Hello? Oh, hello, Leo.
- It's Leo Brockman.
- Brockman?
Really?
Well, that sounds wonderful.
Well, yeah, Sunday's fine. Yeah.
Okay. Yeah. See you, darling.
"See you, darling"? "See you,
darling"? Oh, God, poor Brockman!
Good night, y'all.
I'm going to say my prayers.
I'm praying Brockman has herpes.
Thatwas so wonderful! I never in my
life saw a movie in Japanese before.
- Did you like it?
- Oh, yes!
I've never seen a movie
made by a foreigner.
John, my husband, took me to see
stupid movies, which was all there was.
How do you say this? "Chateau" what?
Meyney.
- The what?
- Meyney.
- Meyney?
- Yeah.
- It is so delicious.
- I'm glad you like it.
What do you do? What do you do, Leo?
I teach philosophy at the
university around the corner.
Tell me something. Is
Boris really a genius?
There was a time when he
was a very fine physicist.
Yeah, your daughter's very good for Boris.
It's my theory that she keeps him going.
Would you like to see some
pretty pictures of Melody?
Goodness.
- Well, all right.
- Okay.
Look, here they are. Look at these.
Right there, that's
where she is Miss Natchez.
- Wow.
- Look at her. And she was Miss Tupelo.
Oh, God! Look how gorgeous she is! She's
so beautiful. I love her! I love her!
- Very lovely.
- I was so proud of her.
These pictures are kind of interesting.
I know! She'sjust gorgeous!
And she has this...
She'sjust my little sweet pea.
I mean the photos. Did you take them?
- Yes. Yes.
- And this?
That's our house. Well,
itwas. Is there more wine?
Yeah. You took all these?
Yes, with my little old Kodak.
These are outstanding. I mean, there's
such a sense oftexture and composition.
In these? No.
No, I mean it. I knowwhat
I'm talking about.
I occasionally write about
the aesthetics of photography.
Oh, my God. I have
to tell you something.
Aside from Melody's career, there is
nothing, nothing in the whole world
that gave me more pleasure
than taking those snapshots.
Of course, John... Cheers. John
hated them and didn'twant me to do it.
- Why?
- Well,
he actually was fine, and
then I set up this darkroom
and he thought I was, like,
squandering all this time on silliness
and I guess he had a point, but...
I mean, nowadays, who
uses a Kodak anymore?
It's a little Kodak, and I have
to tell you something, it is...
It is so simple to use. It's tiny!
I picked it up at, like, a garage sale
and itjust is so much better
than those big foreign ones.
No, they're pretty good. They've got a real
haunting quality. They're very primitive.
I really think you should talk
to my friend Al Morgenstern.
He runs a photography gallery.
- Why?
- Have you got more ofthese?
Oh, Lord, yes. You know, all
my travels with the pageants.
I have the kids and the towns
and the winners. And the losers!
The losers are the best. And
then I have all these show folk,
the twirlers, the magicians, the fire
eaters, you know, things like that.
They're amazing. They've
got such an original quality.
I'll talk to Al first
thing in the morning.
Oh, no. You know, I think
you're making too much
over a little gift the
good Lord Jesus gave me.
That's not the only gift He gave you.
You know those clean-cut, churchgoing
young men, who are model kids,
and good to their neighbors
and quote the Bible,
and never do a wrong
thing, and then one day,
forwhatever reason,
they grab a rifle, go to a tower
and pick off everyone in town?
Okay, this is her, but sexually.
She sleptwith Leo Brockman,
never having been to bed with
anyone before but her husband,
and suddenly, the genie
was out ofthe bottle!
She liked sleeping with Brockman, and she
liked sleeping with Brockman's friends,
Brockman's acquaintances, Brockman's
acquaintances' acquaintances.
Brcckman took her photos to
Morgenstern. He loved them.
He decided to show them in his gallect.
When he did, evectone thought they
were great. A brilliant primitive.
Soon Morgenstern would
become smitten with her.
First she moved in with Brcckman.
Then she moved in with Morgenstern.
Then she moved in with
Brcckman and Morgenstern.
She started dabbling with collages.
Small ones at first, but
they would become bolder.
She started dressing differently.
Soon all her deep-rooted beliefs went
right down the toilet, where they belonged.
She experimented with exotic
pleasures. A new Marietta was born.
The one thing that remained
constant, she hated her son-in-law.
- Well, there's some pictures over there.
- Yes, maybe that. Okay.
- What do you think, Mom? - I'm not
sure, you know, it's for this collage,
and I've had this vision in black
and white of nude men, women,
body parts, squares.
That sounds confusing.
- Well, it's an homage to lust. Yeah.
- To lust.
Excuse me.
Hi, I need a female opinion.
Which ofthese two would a young
woman prefer? I can't decide.
I don't know. They're both so beautiful.
It depends. What type is she?
Well, she's quite young
and very lovely-looking.
Blonde hair. Blue eyes.
Yeah, butwhat's she like?
Well, okay. She's from the South,
although she lives here in NewYork now.
- Really?
- Yeah.
And she's a nanny. I mean,
well, to tell you the truth,
she's actually living with some man.
I mean, they're married, although
he's not the best she can do.
And she thinks she loves
him, but it's only because
she mistakes his pessimistic
despair forwisdom,
believing he's a genius.
I'd say she's more of a nurse to him than
a wife, because he's much older than she is.
That sounds so familiar.
I just can't... I can't
put my finger on it.
- It's sort of like mine, actually. Yeah.
- It is?
I mean, not exactly, but I can't
help but seeing some similarities.
- I'd say that one.
- Okay.
Here.
- Here what? For me?
- It's foryou.
Yes, I thought I'd buy
you something lovely.
Oh, no, I can't accept
a gift from a stranger.
- Well, why not?
- I'm married.
Yes, but it may not last forever.
Well, you know, nothing
lasts forever. Not even
Shakespeare or Michelangelo
or Greek people.
I mean, even as we're standing
here talking right now,
we're just flying apart
at an unimaginable speed.
- Gee, I never thought of it thatway.
- Yeah.
Should we be holding each
other so we don't fall?
Well, you have to hold onto whatever
love you can in this cruel existence.
Speaking of love,
I've been in love with you ever
since that first moment I sawyou,
and met your mother at the
Mogador Caf many months ago.
Oh, you're... You're...
- Did my mother...
- Randy James.
Oh, the actor! Of course.
I can hearyour accent now.
Oh, my mother talks
about you all the time,
and she's always telling
me I have to meet you
and I'm saying, "Why? Why
do I have to meet him?"
"But he's so good-looking!"
And, yeah, you are.
Thank you. I've moved to
NewYork permanently now
and I live in a houseboat
with a friend of mine.
- You live on a boat?
- Yes, I do.
I'm very romantic by
nature, so I live on a boat
and I read and think
and play my flute...
- Mom?
- Oh, be still, Melody.
There's nothing wrong with expanding
your horizons. I certainly expanded mine.
You knowwhat? I'm really sorry, but...
I think that my mother badly
gave you the wrong impression,
because I'm happily married.
No, no, no, no, no, no, she's not,
Randy. She's nursemaid to a roach. He is.
Goodbye, Mother. Goodbye, Mr. James.
I told you you'd get the hang of it.
Okay, you knowwhat?
Let'sjust stop. Let's stop.
- Let's stop. Yeah, yeah, yeah, stop, stop.
- Stop?
- Yeah. I need to sit for a minute.
- All right.
You know, I'm just doing it for the
aerobics, anyway. Otherwise, it's moronic.
I think it's relaxing.
Relaxing? What? Are you
kidding? It's too nerve-wracking.
To mingle with all those sub-mentals
on bicycles? It's like driving a car.
Those hostile, belligerent
morons all get driver's licenses.
Of course, to have children, you don't
need a license. No proof of anything.
You need a license to fish. You
need a license to be a barber.
You need a license to sell hot dogs.
You know, you read about these
poor kids, beaten and starved,
you wonder, why are these
parents allowed to even have them?
Okay, Boris, Boris.
You know, sometimes I think you're so
determined not to enjoy anything in life,
just out of spite.
You know, like a child
who's throwing a tantrum,
because he can't have his own way.
Wow! Listen to you!
That's a reasonably wise insight for
a simple-minded type like yourself.
Honestly. Yeah, you surprise and
delight me sometimes, you know that?
I really don't knowwhat I'd
do without you, seriously.
What are you doing with that?
This? Nothing. I just
got it at the flea market.
- Who needs an antique handkerchief?
- I thought itwas pretty.
Yeah, but God knows throughout
history who blew his nose in it.
- Marietta? Honey?
- Yes, darling?
I think you should include these
photos at your opening nextweek.
- I love those photos. Al, what
do you think? - I chose those.
- Oh, you did?
- Absolutely.
- Sweetheart, you've managed to make...
- Thank you.
...an existential statement about
- sexual perversity and human freedom.
- Who? Yes.
- It's so full of erotic imagination.
- Okay, hold on a sec.
- Oh, thank you so much! Thank you!
- Marietta?
- Who is it?
- Somebody named Randy Jones?
Oh, Randy, Randy James.
Hello? Hello? Hey!
Young man, hello, hello!
Listen, she's going to be
at Uniqlo at around 3:00.
You can run into her and try your luck.
You know, she saved the handkerchief you
gave her, so it's not a hopeless cause.
And I'm telling you, I saw fire behind
her eyes. Fire. Yeah. Good luck, darling.
- Who was that?
- Oh, nothing. Come on, gumbo! Let's go.
Who'd have ever thought that gumbo
would become my favorite dinner?
All this and she cooks, too.
Oh, my God! Hello.
So I guess you just happened
to be shopping here. Right?
Well, I was buying this
shirt, ifyou must know.
You like it?
- It's okay.
- Just okay?
I thought it'd make me look dashing.
Looks aren't your problem.
Oh, no? What is?
You're too forward.
- I think about you a lot.
- Well, I don't think about you.
So what's it like being
married to a genius?
Who wants to know?
I'm sorry. I don't mean
to be a boor, I just...
Just that, well, you know.
It has its pluses and minuses.
Yes? And what are the drawbacks?
I don't know. I mean...
Well, naturally, with
a very advanced mind,
you find a lot ofthings
wrong with everything
and, mainly, he just
doesn't like people.
You know, he says at
the rate they're going,
they're going to make
themselves extinct.
Right.
It can just be exhausting being
around a genius all the time.
So what are the pluses of being
the wife of such a dazzling mind?
- Well, he's smart.
- You said that.
He's clever.
He really means well, you
know? He'sjust a little crazy.
I guess the good part is
that I'm the wife of a genius,
which I never really
thought I could swing.
Why not?
I guess I thought I'd
have to be smarter.
You want to see my boat? I mean,
my friend's boat, where I live?
- I don't think that's a good idea.
- I dreamt about you last night. I...
Don't use that line. Because Boris
said that he dreamt about me last night.
And I really doubt it's
mathematically possible
for me to be in two dreams at one time.
It's down there, on
the right-hand side.
Well, this is it. It's not much, but
it's home and I don't pay rent, so...
This is kind of sweet,
living on the water.
It rocksjust the tiniest bit,
so I sleep like a baby on it.
Randy, I don't knowwhat
I'm doing here! I'm married!
That doesn't mean I can't
have feelings foryou.
You don't really know me.
Yes, but I'm a romantic and I
believe in love at first sight.
Well, that's true. You know,
Boris says that love isn't logical.
And I adore the way you talk
and the funny things you say.
Where can it lead?
Let's drink to love at first sight.
I can't. When I drink, I get
very silly and touchy and...
That's what your mum said. That's why
I bought the bottle. She's quite a mum.
Don't use that locution.
It's for inchworms.
Sorry.
Is that you in the picture?
Yeah. That's me in Juno and the Paycock
I bet you're a really good actor.
I try. Although I'll never be a genius.
You certainly are handsome
enough to be a star.
Thank you. I'll cherish that compliment.
- Oh, my God.
- What are you thinking?
- Entropy.
- Entropy?
Yeah, entropy. Boris explained it.
It's why you can't get the
toothpaste back in the tube.
You mean,
once something happens, it's
difficult to put it back the way itwas?
I mean, Boris says
love is all about luck.
I think so, too, but
isn't thatjust because
we're young and we think
we're going to live forever
and then we grow old
and get diabetes, and...
Maybe.
Look, I do agree there's not much you
can be sure of in this world, but...
Have you ever heard of
Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle?
I've heard of it, yeah.
You know, the observer
influences the experiment?
It'sjust like
when my mother makes love to
one ofthe guys she's living with
a certain way when they're alone,
butwhen she's in front ofthe
other guy, she does it differently.
Is that Heisenberg?
I had no idea he was so sexual.
Wait. I always carry
some Viagra with me.
That's all right. I
eat a lot of red meat.
I really like the way these pants fit.
Hey, are you okay? You
seem awfully quiet lately.
Yeah.
We're going to be late
for Mom's gallery opening.
I hope you're not coming
down with anything.
You know, Brodsky's
kid's got the measles.
Can you still get the measles?
I had a shotwhen I was younger,
but how long does it last?
Who's that?
I don't know. I'm not expecting anyone.
- Melody!
- Daddy!
Oh, my little girl, I found you!
Oh, Lord, your mother and I searched and
searched, but then we ran out of leads.
I used every connection
I had at the police force.
We even called the FBI! But you're okay.
Things are going to be fine
now. Your ordeal is over.
What ordeal?
You were abducted! Tell
me if my theory is correct.
You were chloroformed
by polygamous Mormons.
They took you offto be someone's bride!
I was not abducted. Didn't
anybody read my letters?
Yeah, but I assumed you were
forced to write them at gunpoint.
- Who's this?
- Who are you?
- This is Boris, my husband.
- Boris, yourwho?
He's my husband. I'm
Mrs. Boris Yellnikoff.
- Who are you?
- I'm her husband.
You want to pass out here
or go in the living room?
Where's your mother?
What do you care? You
cheated on her and then
dumped her for Mandy
Blackburn, of all people!
I made a terrible mistake, I
committed the sin of self-indulgence.
I've come to beg your
mother's forgiveness.
- You mightwant to rethink that, Daddy.
- I want to see her.
I see death by culture shock.
You can tell me, Melody, she
has every right to hate me.
And she does, believe me.
I can handle the
truth. Does she hate me?
Well, itwas a pretty awful thing
you did with her best friend.
- Then she hates me? - Yes, yes,
she hates you! I can't stand this.
I hate you and I just met you!
Lord, you tell me this
creature took you to bed?
- No, no, no, no. Actually, she took me.
- Yeah, when I met Boris, he hated sex.
Yeah, think of it, Mr. Celestine.
The absurd choreography,
like a sewing machine, up and
down, up and down, up and down,
toward what end? Making more children?
What the hell are you talking about?
Reproducing the species over
and over. Toward what goal?
Carrying outwhat moronic design?
- What happened to Mandy?
- Itwas a mess, a nightmare.
Lord, I've sinned! Please forgive me.
Why do all the religious psychotics wind
up praying at my doorstep? Can you tell me?
Lord, in Your infinite
mercy, I've done wrong.
- You want to tell him, or should I?
- Tell me what?
Daddy, there's nobody out there!
Honest. You're praying to no one.
You're wasting your breath, just like
you're gonna be wasting it on Mom.
What? You're telling
me she met another man?
- Notjust a man.
- What?
Daddy, you couldn't expect her to not, you
know, move on with her life and, you know...
Oh, Lord. What's he like?
He's got four arms and two noses.
You better butt out, stranger!
Melody will tell you I don't need my
shotgun to be a whole passel oftrouble.
Now, I want to see Marietta!
Now, Dad, try and remember,
you haven't seen Mom in a year.
A year is not forever. How
much can a person change?
And with that, they entered the gallery.
I had more people than
I knewwhat to do with.
Everybody said, "I'll be naked with
you, Marietta!" And I was like, "Okay. "
Oh, my God.
Marietta?
John Celestine! Look
what the cat dragged in.
- Marietta, what happened to you?
- Oh, my God!
Well, darling, it's you that absconded.
- He showed up at the door today.
- Whoa, whoa. "Absconded"?
Yes, yes, with the promiscuous whore
- who called herself my best friend.
- Darling, I'll be...
I'll find you. Excuse me. Pardon me.
It's over, Marietta. Mandy and I were a
terrible mistake. I've come back foryou.
Well, honey, I'm in the
middle of my opening.
Yeah, Dad, this is Mom's
exhibition. Isn't it great?
- Exhibition ofwhat?
- Well, the collages.
What? She's thinking of
buying this pornography?
I got news foryou,
she's the pornographer.
Marietta, who are you?
John, you never understood me, honey.
Your vision never extended
beyond the backyard.
You always had your gun clubs and
your fishing trips and football.
You never took a little
minute to find out about me.
And you were always too
busy putting her in pageants
and coaching her speeches and
teaching her baton twirling!
Yes, yes, that's true. I was
sublimating my own creative needs
and forcing them on our daughter.
- You were what?
- Yes, she was sublimating.
Sublimating.
Honey, why don't you go
on back to Mandy Blackburn?
Her pygmy mentality is
much closer to you now.
- Much closer.
- Yeah. Well, I can't go back to her.
- Oh, why not?
- She cast aspersions on my manhood.
What are we talking? Size?
Duration? Erectile dysfunction?
Would you mind your own business?
Marietta, how could you forsake your own
family? I want us all back home to start over.
I'm a differentwoman, John.
I can't believe what
I'm seeing. I mean...
Your clothes are different, your
speech is a little more affected,
but deep down, I knowyou're the same
pretty, small-town, God-fearing,
churchgoing, pie-baking...
I'm living with two guys.
...Girl Scout mom. You're what?
I'm an artist. I don't bake
pies. I don't go to church.
I do collages, sculpture, photography.
I live in Manhattan
with two men who I love
in a very happy mnage trois.
- A what?
- We all sleep together.
A mnage trois.
I knewwe should never
trust the goddamn French.
It's amazing, Melody.
Thousands ofyears ago, ancient
peoples, Egyptians, Romans, Mayans,
were walking home, just like us,
discussing where should they
eat or making small talk.
"Hey, we just bought a great
house on the Nile with a yard,
"overlooking the
Pharaoh's new pyramid. "
- Boris...
- Or, "My physician says
- "peacock tongues are bad foryour heart. "
- Boris...
Or, "I'm worried I can't get my kid
into a really good Aztec preschool. "
What the hell does it
all mean now? Zilch.
But they thought itwas important.
Boris, can I talk to you for a minute?
And I was raised in a religious home.
Job's wife was my favorite character
in the Bible, because she chose death
rather than obsequious acceptance,
like that masochist she married.
Boris, Boris, can we
sit down for a second?
Well, butwe have to go home.
I know, but come here.
I have to say something.
Butwe always go home now.
I know. I know. I knowwe
have a standard routine.
I need to have my drink, and a shower.
And, you know, you see it as routine,
but for me the consistency helps
keep me from becoming unnerved.
I knowyou require a certain ritual.
And then after the shower, our
dinner, but not crawfish pie again.
I got indigestion from it last
time. I thought I had thyroid cancer.
Boris, I met someone
else. I've fallen in love.
And then some Beethoven, maybe some
Schubert for a change, but, you know...
You met someone else?
I'm not saying I don't have
very deep feelings foryou. I do.
You met someone else?
Yes.
And you want us to live in a
threesome, like your mother?
Boris, when you found
me, I was very young.
You're still very young.
Yes, but I've grown.
I've grown so much. And
mainly because ofyou.
Yes, it's true. I have been very
patient with your phenomenal ignorance.
You can always count on me for anything.
I just...
I guess I'm at a very
impressionable age, and I...
I can't think of a way to say this well.
- You don't have to say itwell.
- I want to.
I completely understand. I do.
This does not run counter
to my convictions that
love relationships are
almost invariably transient.
I don't really think
that's true ifthey're right.
Really? You have your own ideas?
Just a couple. You know,
they're not very deep, but...
As cruel as life is, I miss
participating in the world.
And I even miss people, even
the inchworms and the cretins,
because I don't really think they're
bad, I think they're just scared.
I think you're making
the correct decision.
- Boris...
- I mean it.
I'm a profound and sensitive
soul with an enormous grasp
of the human condition.
Itwas inevitable you would
eventually grow tired of
being so grossly overmatched.
Greatness isn't easy to live with,
even by someone of normal intelligence.
You're upset. I don't expect
you to understand. How could you?
Believe me,
if I can understand quantum mechanics,
I can certainly comprehend
the thought process
of a sub-mental baton twirler.
- Boris...
- It's okay.
I knew this day would
come. I really did.
The universe is winding
down. Why shouldn'twe?
Again!
I'll have another, too.
She left me. Can you believe it?
What am I talking about?
I left her. She's alone.
Now, no matterwhich way she
turns in bed, she's got a husband.
My wife left me, too.
I'm sure she was beautiful,
just like my wife.
Norman?
Norman was gorgeous.
He was the greatest runway
model Versace ever had.
I thought you said yourwife.
We were married in Holland.
You married a guy?
What else?
But thatwould make you...
What? A widow? Norman didn't die.
Not a widow, a...
- Gay?
- A member of the...
Ofwhat?
The homosexual persuasion.
My God.
You make it sound like a religion.
Yes. If it's a religion, you
could call me devout. A fanatic.
But that's a sin against God's law.
God is gay.
He can't be. He made the
whole universe perfect.
The oceans, the skies, the beautiful
flowers, the trees everywhere.
That's right. He's a decorator.
Butwhat do you miss about
him? I still don't get it.
Everything.
His face.
His kindness, his sense of humor.
Our mutual passion.
The way we'd dance and he'd
dip me back and kiss me.
Jesus.
Why did he leave you?
She leave you. Norman.
He wants to live in Paris, and
I can't leave my sick mother.
Is your mother a woman?
She used to look like Marlene Dietrich.
What's the difference? They all
hurt you in the end, every woman,
whether they're male or female.
Why did yours leave you?
I left her for her best
friend, but it didn'twork out.
Why not?
Can I be perfectly frank with you?
I don't shock easily.
I couldn't make love to her.
Why not?
Itwas fine at first, but then I lost
interest. I wanted Marietta back.
Which is funny, because
in the last years,
I really didn't have a lot of
sexual interest in Marietta.
That happens with you heteros.
We always have interest.
Christ, if I'm going to be honest,
you know, I never, ever really had
a burning sexual desire for Marietta.
Why'd you marry her?
Itwas the thing to do. Everybody where I
lived, you had a wife and children and...
Can I really level with you?
Of course.
John. John Celestine.
Of course, John. I'm Howard
Cummings, nee Kaminsky.
I married Marietta,
because I was afraid.
Ofwhat?
The way I felt towards the
tight end on the football team.
No.
Every time he got in the line
of scrimmage and bent over.
Bartender, another round
for my friend and me, please.
Can you believe I blew it twice?
I jumped out the window and
landed on a woman walking her dog.
She got hurt. I got off scot-free.
Don't you realize the consequences
ofyour actions impact on other people?
- Oh, come on. Seriously.
- No. What ifyou had committed suicide?
Think, think ifyou didn't
exist, how the world
would suddenly change in
ways you can't imagine.
Oh, my God. You knowwhat?
You sound like that movie they ram
down your throat every Christmas.
- What?
- What ifthe guardian angel
had saved Jimmy Stewart,
and Jimmy Stewartwas the
guy who smoked in bed,
and he lived and caused a
fire that killed 60 people? So?
How about that? Everybody's
life is still worth saving?
Even if it's Christmas?
Come on, seriously.
You must have a very dim
view of the human race.
Oh, the human race. They've had to install
automatic toilets in public restrooms,
because people can't be
entrusted to flush a toilet.
Come on, flushing a toilet!
They can't even flush a toilet!
Visiting time is over.
- What? You're kicking me out?
- Yeah.
- Seriously?
- Yeah. Absolutely.
All right, listen. Honestly,
I'm really sorry about all this
and is there anything I can
do to make this up to you?
Can I get you something? What can I do?
If I can everwalk again,
you can buy me dinner.
What do you do, Helena?
Me? I'm a psychic.
I'm sorry. Really?
I was born with a very rare
gift. I can see into the future.
Ifyou can see into the future,
how come you didn't know
I was gonnajump out a
building and land on top ofyou?
Maybe I did.
Happy newyear to you.
We're so excited. Howard
is selling the gym,
butwe're going to open up
an antique shop in Chelsea.
Yeah. Art deco. We're going to have a
wonderful collection of movie posters.
Can you believe this cracker?
This red state Neanderthal?
This mindless zombie of the
National Rifle Association?
My shrink says that the guns were all
a manifestation of my sexual inadequacy.
Yeah, if itweren't for sexual inadequacy,
the National Rifle Association would go broke.
He's moved in with Howard
Cummings, nee Kaminsky.
And not only is he sleeping with a
man, soon he'll be celebrating Purim.
More important, for the first
time in his adult life, he's happy.
I should have known why I was failing you,
Marietta, not fulfilling yourwomanly needs.
Which turned out to
be quite considerable.
Mine, too, but notwith the sex
I'd been raised to be attracted to.
You're like a changed man, John.
Yourwhole personality is sunnier.
If only it had been thatway.
I couldn'twhen I was making love to
you. I was a square peg in a round hole,
you should pardon the metaphor.
Well, I just hope you two lucked out
and found the right person in each other.
I know I lucked out.
What about you, Boris?
As you would say in the crude
fashion ofyour generation,
I totally lucked out.
Itjust shows what meaningless
blind chance the universe is.
Everybody schemes and dreams
to meet the right person,
and I jump out a window and
land on her. And a psychic yet!
I mean, come on, talk
about the irrational heart,
not to mention I've developed
a fondness for grits.
I have a question, am I
a member of my generation?
Yes. Don'tworry. I'll explain it to you.
Hey, hey, hold on! Hold on!
The ball's about to drop!
Come on!
Ten,
nine,
eight, seven,
six, five,
four, three,
two, one!
Happy newyear!
I happen to hate NewYear's celebrations.
Everybody desperate to have fun.
Trying to celebrate in
some pathetic little way.
Celebrate what? A step
closer to the grave?
That's why I can't say enough times,
whatever love you can get and give,
whatever happiness you
can filch or provide,
every temporary measure
of grace, whateverworks.
And don't kid yourself, it's by no
means all up to your own human ingenuity.
A bigger part ofyour existence
is luck than you'd like to admit.
Christ, you know the odds
ofyour father's one sperm
from the billions, finding
the single egg that made you?
Don't think about it,
you'll have a panic attack.
Boris, what are you
doing? Who you talking to?
What? There's people
out there watching us.
- They're out there?
- Yeah, yeah, they're watching. What?
- Please, Boris...
- You know...
Well, there was when we started.
I don't know how many are left.
Does anybody see anybody out there?
- Out there? No!
- No!
- Boris!
- No!
See? I'm the only one who
sees the whole picture.
That's what they mean by genius.
Come on. Happy newyear, Boris.