Where the Buffalo Roam (1980) Movie Script
Stop it!
Go away!
Get a grip, Thompson.
Come on. It's just a deadline.
You got two hours till the presses roll.
Shut up! You'll get words
when I want to give them to you.
No need to panic, huh?
Just another deadline.
I'll just lash together a few raw facts,
little bit of old negro wisdom,
and this nightmare is over.
Nixon.
Come on, easy boy. You never liked this.
Bronco, come on. Bronco, come on.
Fun is fun.
Lie on your side. Down!
Lie on your side.
Fun is fun.
Good boy, Bronco.
Savage bastards.
There, chew on that gibberish for a while,
you heartless scum.
You've pushed me too far.
Down, Bronco, he's mine!
I was deciding to write off this weird town,
makes you sleep forever.
This wouldn't be the first time I got sucked
into writing about Lazlo, Karl Lazlo esquire,
attorney at law, my attorney.
This was the man I counted on
to keep me out of jail in those years.
Those weird years between
the '60s and the '70s,
the age of Nixon.
It was a time to keep your head down.
I was a working journalist, a hired geek
of sorts, and Lazlo was great company
and sometimes a good lawyer.
It was a fast, strange time,
and we worked in fast, strange ways.
He claimed he was being chased
by Mr Nixon
when his car was attacked
by a swarm of bats.
Bats?
It's obvious he was having
a paranoid drug reaction.
Every 20 minutes, he calls down to the desk,
demands to see his lawyer and hangs up.
He claims he's being held a prisoner.
I'm rambling.
I think I'd better tell my readers that I'm
no longer responsible for anything I write.
I've been without sleep for 80 hours
so I'm beyond simple fatigue.
The hallucinations have stopped,
finally, thank God,
but my adrenaline reserves are burning out
and I'm staring into the face
of a psychotic freak-out.
- What are you doing?
- I'm writing.
Writing?
Yeah. And my deadline page, too.
I'm pouring it on now. Right on the edge.
But I made a smart move
checking into this place
because, you know, in case I lose it totally,
I know I'll be safe in the arms
of the sisters of mercy.
What are you writing?
My Attorney Versus American Justice.
Cute title, and...
hopefully I'll be able to finish it.
Morning.
Let me recommend... Try a blue one.
A blue one? Really?
Little bugger gets right on top of you.
Shit. Shit!
Dr Roberts, call Dr Bretherton
in administration.
Dr Roberts, call Dr Bretherton.
- No! No more, please!
- Sorry.
Just relax.
Everything's gonna be just fine.
I'll be gone in a second.
Nice day.
Take it easy.
Five more minutes then we're out of here.
We could just make it away with you along,
you know.
Student nurse, you know.
Clear-headed.
Used to thinking in terms of crisis.
Bat!
Lazlo. What took you so long?
It's been a nightmare here.
- Bat.
- Ooh. What have you done?
Jeez, she was just fine a minute ago.
Oh, I'm eating her cookie.
Cook, the bat here is Karl Lazlo.
As your attorney,
I advise you to leave this room at once.
Right.
Oh, shit. Good thinking, we may need this.
- Come on, get your things, let's go, Cook.
- No, she should stay.
We can't leave her in this snake pit,
they'll pick her bones clean.
- Thompson, trust my judgment.
- Not in this instance. She's harmless.
She's good with her hands too,
she made these for me.
Come on!
Oh, jeez.
You'll probably be safer here.
Mr Thompson!
- Yeah!
- Mr Thompson, open the door.
Mr Thompson.
- Watch out for this fucker.
- You have one of our nurses in there.
All right... Vaya con dios.
Shit. Shit!
Ah, shit.
You gotta get this because it's important.
- Can you drive and...?
- No problem.
The key aspects
are all in the Fourth Amendment...
Great, a basis in reality, that's good.
- ... including the need for probable cause...
- Probable cause? All right.
...and the right for people to be secure
in their homes free from illegal search.
That's the big one.
It's the fucking Constitution.
I mean...
Hey, you're getting all of this too.
- I'm a total professional.
- Good.
Cos this is important stuff, a whole
generation of kids are being screwed.
Their rights are being violated
every day by the police.
They take the kids, rough 'em up,
throw 'em in jail...
- Gestapo tactics.
- Exactly.
All right, spread 'em, hit the wall.
Come on, shut up and get your head down.
- Come on, will you...?
- Spread 'em!
The judges are cold,
they throw the kids in jail, give them
ridiculous sentences, all for headlines.
- You getting this?
- Yep.
Good. Stay with me.
Hey! Goddamn... Hey!
Come back here!
How many people are gonna read this?
About 800,000, a million maybe.
- When is this gonna come out?
- Well...
it was supposed to be in the last issue
but maybe this one.
- When did these come in?
- An hour ago.
I want to see everything.
Page, get up here!
Well?
Nobody's seen him
since he left the hospital.
- Get on the phone.
- You know him, he could be anywhere.
I don't give a shit. You find him.
He owes me a cover story and I want it.
- OK, I'm going, I'm doing, I'm looking.
- Check the bars.
No.
No.
Yes.
- No.
- Yes.
- Mr Lazlo!
- Well... look who's here.
- The master barrister.
- That's right.
Give me the Colts, the Steelers, the Jets...
- Jasper Russell meet Dr Thompson.
- Hello, Doctor.
I'm taking the Bears, I can't quit on them.
Excellent bone man.
He specialises in gunshot wounds.
Well, I can give you a cheque.
I know, but...
Well, you know where you can find me.
He's a weirdo, Lazlo.
Lazlo, how are you doing?
Never better.
You know, I really admire you.
- Really?
- Yeah. But you could do a lot better.
- No shit.
- You're strong, you're tough,
you're good, the clients like you.
But it's the wrong rules,
and you're playing the wrong game.
Let me send you some real clients -
divorce, real estate.
That's business, Lazlo.
You can do the cases,
we'll split it down the middle.
We'll make a deal, we'll make money.
- The guy said...
- Money?
...that it wasn't so bad to make money.
- Remember that.
- You mean I'd...
make some money and maybe be like your
field representative, handle the overflow?
You're not making any money representing
these jack-offs, and you know it.
- Jack-offs?
- Now you've done it.
You call the people I defend jack-offs?
- Hear ye, hear ye, everybody!
- Calm down!
Look at a man who defends evil people!
Will you guys just knock it off?
Lazlo, God damn it, get down.
Repent! There's still time!
Bless you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus.
We hear you, Jesus.
Whosoever's name is not written in the book
of life shall be cast into a lake of fire!
Amen! Amen!
- Mr Lazlo.
- Hey, Lazlo.
Hey, Lazlo!
OK, OK, settle down, settle down.
OK, 223 Coal Street, where are you?
We're gonna go inside and make a motion
to suppress the search and seizure.
We're gonna say the cops
didn't have probable cause.
Got it? OK. Livingstone.
You got your old lady?
Good. Billy, we're gonna
get to you this afternoon.
OK, now.
I want you to remember one thing.
Once we get inside, no grab-ass.
No fooling around, no yelling, no booing,
none of that stuff.
Just keep cool and let's do it.
- OK? Come on.
- All right.
...on behalf of the coming defence...
...sheer domestic tranquillity...
Would you be
interested in donating blood, sir?
Donate? My blood?
As a matter of fact, I'm here to pick up
some blood. Hope you're my type of girl.
Roll up your sleeve.
This'll prick for just a second.
I'm a doctor, I'm a doctor.
Jesus, I missed. Sorry.
You're moving now,
you gotta hold still.
- Here we go. That's a beautiful colour.
- No!
You got a lot of it too. All right!
All right.
OK, hold on, hold on.
All right.
I'm a little cowgirl.
Kiss and make better.
Yeah, all right.
You should do that all the time.
Several times a month, at least.
Lazlo, Lazlo, Lazlo.
The whole calendar is Lazlo. Will I ever get
to ply my trade against anyone else?
Yeah, asshole,
when you stop busting kids.
Remember thou, keep holy the Lord's day.
Honour thy father and mother.
Thou shalt not kill.
Thou shalt not commit adultery.
Thou shalt not steal. Thou shalt not be
a false witness against thy neighbour.
So this is it. Nice place.
Jeez, you can almost smell the narcs.
There's a certain kind of a stink.
You know that stink? Jesus.
- Where's the chamber of horrors?
- Room six. Grab a seat.
First come, first served.
Get smart, Lazlo.
Look, could you just hold this for a second?
Just a second.
I'll see you in court.
Everyone rise.
Be seated.
Jesus, it's happening already.
Kind of close quarters in here, isn't it?
Let's go.
Let's get this thing moving.
Clerk, where are the files?
Come on, we're backed up.
Let's see.
State versus Occupants 223 Coal Street.
Possession, sales marijuana.
623 Paige Street, marijuana.
People versus Kramer, marijuana.
These all yours, Lazlo?
Yes, your honour!
We'll set a hearing
on the Coal Street matter.
How about the 13th?
- What about the motions?
- Motions? What motions?
A motion to suppress
the search and seizure.
- There's a probable cause question...
- Wait.
Have you conferred
with the district attorney?
- Yes.
- And?
I and my clients are going to trial.
You tell him!
How long will these motions take?
An hour, maybe two, maybe more,
I don't know. I have a lot of questions.
For instance, in the Coal Street matter...
Mr Lazlo, Mr Willins,
would you please approach the bench?
Here, I'll be right back.
Would you mind?
Gentlemen, let's be reasonable.
For 16 crummy joints, are you kidding me?
I'm gonna take every case to trial,
every one, if I have to.
I can back this place up for six years.
You're making a mistake, Lazlo.
Four, five,
six, seven,
eight, nine, ten...
Marty. Where the hell you been?
Been looking all over for you.
You are not registered at your hotel.
Your rental car is reported stolen.
Personally, I couldn't give a shit,
but you owe me a story.
Is it due? Am I late?
You've got a deadline in 19 hours.
Now where's my story?
It's right in there.
Great too, incredible story,
it's developing fast.
I think it could be
the best thing I've ever done.
All I gotta do now is write it up.
Write it up?
You've got 19 hours.
You move like a cat, Marty.
37, 38, 39...
Entered? How could you enter?
The door was locked.
You broke down the door without a warrant.
- I heard a scream.
- You heard a scream.
Are you sure it wasn't laughter? Kids having
a good time, innocent merriment?
No, it sounded like a scream.
Hit him with the Fourth Amendment, Laz.
That's not really appropriate,
the Fourth Amendment.
- You're a law student?
- Yeah.
Don't come on so heavy.
- Why would I ever hire you?
- I'm sorry.
OK, so you went inside.
Then what happened?
I saw one of the defendants make
a furtive movement.
- Like what?
- Shall I demonstrate?
- Please.
- It was like this.
- That's a furtive movement?
- Down into here.
I'd like to demonstrate
that movement just like this.
That's a furtive move
and you were scared and...
- then what did you do?
- So I searched him.
And what, in fact, did you find?
- Pack of Marlboros.
- A pack of Marlboro cigarettes.
So instead of just realising you had made
a human error and returning the cigarettes,
you decided to peek inside. Why?
Because I thought that defendant
may have been concealing
a small plastic exploding device
of some kind.
So I opened up the cigarettes, that's why.
You were looking for a bomb
in a packet of cigarettes?
Take your seat.
I'm sorry.
I'm in control.
Not sure about these people, though.
Is this man an associate of yours?
No, just a...
just a good American like yourself.
May we proceed?
And although, in all fairness,
I must say your legal rights
might have been better protected,
given my willingness and the willingness
of the district attorney.
I feel compelled to sentence you each
to six months in the county jail.
Six months? Why?
You could've cut off their feet.
Once more and you're out of the courtroom.
Clerk, best get moving. Next case.
Nice going, Lazlo.
The People versus William Kramer.
- You want some?
- No, thanks.
Looks like you got a good thing going there.
- So you gave the cop the bag?
- Yeah.
Why? Why didn't you say no?
I don't know.
I guess I thought maybe
nothing would happen to me.
Because, in your mind,
that bag didn't belong to you.
It didn't.
Nevertheless, you were arrested for
possession of one pound of marijuana.
This is your second arrest for possession.
- Yeah.
- How much did you have the first time?
One joint.
One joint. And for this you did time in jail.
- Yeah.
- How long?
18 months.
18 months for one joint.
OK, look...
who was it?
What was the name of the guy
who gave you the bag of grass?
I don't think he's gonna tell him.
- He's not.
- The kid's tough.
He is tough, and he's not gonna talk.
Do you know his name, Mr Kramer?
You wanna tell him?
OK.
I'm sorry, Judge, the kid's not a squealer.
Take your seat, Mr Kramer.
The court is still in session.
The defence rests.
Will the defendant please rise?
Any person who transports into this state,
sells, furnishes or gives away any marijuana
- shall be punished...
- What's he doing?
- He's reading the fucking law.
- ... five years to life...
I think you guys should listen.
His honour is reading the sentence.
Fuck off.
- He's your client.
- ... not less than three years.
Do you understand your sentence,
Mr Kramer?
No.
Five years to life.
- Five years?
- Easy, Lazlo.
Did you say five years?
- That's ridiculous. I protest!
- Contempt!
Five fucking years?
It's a travesty of justice. I will not stand for it.
I will not give you any names.
Smile for the camera.
What does this mean, Lazlo?
Write about it!
Tell the world!
Tell them the truth!
- Here's the story.
- Great, let's have it.
- It's incredible, kid raped by the court...
- Come on, we got two hours.
...and Lazlo's arrested, he's in jail.
- I told him that you'd pay for his bail.
- I can't afford it.
- Doesn't matter, he doesn't want it.
- Good.
He said, "Forget the money, but if Marty
could say some sort of personal prayer
"it'd make a big difference. "
No, no, no, don't do this to me, please.
Hell, I'll pray with you.
I can't do this. I can't pray.
Sure you can. Dig deep.
Come on, it's like riding a bicycle.
- I can't pray.
- Come on, come on, come on.
Anybody can.
"Dear God". That'd probably be
a good way to start, something like that.
Dear God, thank you for everything.
- Get Lazlo in there.
- Dear God, thank you for everything,
- and God bless Lazlo too.
- And all the people of the world.
And all the people of the world too.
Let's have it.
- Please, let's have it.
- Do you have the cheque?
You didn't sign this. You gotta sign this.
They won't cash that without your signature.
Glad I caught that.
It's not legal without the signature.
Thanks.
Thank Lazlo.
Well, that finished him
as a lawyer, at least as a working lawyer.
And some of it may have been my fault.
Perhaps I was not the kind of friend in court
Lazlo needed.
But the humour had gone,
there was nothing to be laughed at.
By the time we realised,
it was too late for both of us.
He quit the legal system.
No more polite talking with judges,
or journalists either, for that matter.
He was in a revolution now,
a revolution in acid,
and, boy, it was hard to find people to eat
acid with as the age of Nixon wore on.
Reality was too full of disappointments
for a generation
that grew up too confident to deal with
harsh realities like doom and failure.
A lot of people got off the boat
in those days, but not everybody.
Not Lazlo, not Nixon, not me.
We'd signed on for the whole trip.
Sir.
Hey, sir. Hey, sir!
Hey!
Agh! God!
Is anything wrong?
- Sir, what's wrong?
- My head.
- Your head?
- Who sent you?
- What are you talking about?
- What government agency?
- I think I'd like to find out.
- What are you doing?
- Give me answers!
- What? Yeah, OK.
What? What? What do you want to know?
- Where am I?
- At your hotel, man.
You're at your hotel, honest.
I haven't even caught my plane.
What game is being played here?
No, no, man, you in Los Angeles.
- You've landed right here in Los Angeles.
- Liar!
Check with the hotel,
there's anybody you can ask.
The desk, the bellhop, anybody.
- They really will...
- Wait, you're right.
- OK.
- It's coming back to me now.
- OK.
- I'm here on an assignment.
- Football. Super Bowl.
- Yeah, they're doing that.
You can see the marquee. It's 1972.
The big game, yeah.
Well, sports fans,
there is no burrow for one of these teams.
Brownie?
Yeah, it's Blackie. What's the line?
Nine?
Faffle's got it eight and a half.
Fuck it, I'm going the other way.
Yeah. And put me down for a dime.
Nickel defence. On the line of scrimmage.
Goes right, fades left...
One man between him and the goal line.
Dr Thompson, Blast magazine.
Is my suite ready? I need supplies sent up.
They're coming out of the woodwork
for this game. Spter, yeah.
I'm gonna need an IBM Selectric,
heavy duty,
a Xerox telecopier, the 516.
Teleco...
I'm also gonna need one of those
Sony cassettes, big mother, 1800.
- Big mother.
- Lots of white paper. Heavy bond.
- Heavy bond.
- Bic pens, medium point, blue.
Bic. Sir...
Sir, please.
Ow! May as well get the room service order.
- How about three crab Louis?
- Three crab Louis.
- Quart of ice, lots of ice.
- Lots of ice.
Quart of mescal. And 16 grapefruit.
- You getting all this?
- 16 grapefruit.
- Sir, I'm going to need your identification.
- Sure.
Shit! Somebody's stolen my wallet.
- I know what I'm doing.
- Sir...
He must be a doctor.
Thank you very much. Really appreciate it.
He's all yours.
Eureka! Nice work.
Back to business.
Two-bedroom suite,
closer to the top the better.
Oh, can you check the electrical outlets?
Gonna need a lot of power.
- 440 volts.
- 440 volts?
- Any problems, check with the magazine.
- Yes, sir.
Thank you.
Front, please?
Not too shabby, huh?
Mr Lewis's office.
May I ask who's calling, please?
Ah, oh, I see. Could you hold on one sec?
It's the hotel manager.
I think it's about Thompson.
Hello.
Yes, Mr Thompson is an employee of mine.
Why don't you just get to the point
and tell me what he wants?
No problem.
What was that last one?
A video recorder and a stereo?
No. That's out.
Tell him I said he doesn't need that.
Don't worry, I'll be checking with him
shortly. But I do appreciate the call.
Thank you.
He became a man...
the day of the greatest game ever played.
Everything he knew about decency and
morality, he learned that day in December
from Alan "the horse" Ameche.
Today in the Super Bowl
he would earn his wings.
A crowd had assembled,
a crowd of America's elite.
Toyota salesmen from around the country,
orientals and those suspected
of being orientals,
stacked on the 30 yard line watching him
sweat and wipe caked blood from his face.
The Gallo brothers, Ernest and Julio,
party guys who'd skinned a few Mexicans
and forced them to carry them on their
shoulders to the pregame tailgate parties.
The Pepsi and Coca-Cola
bottlers of America.
Coke adds life, it's the real thing.
Bombarded by missiles,
flying, flaming matchbook covers.
The waterheads from General Motors
in the top seats, getting the worst pollution.
All sorts of twisted motherfuckers there.
And who could this be?
What?
All right, put him through, but no more
after this. I'm serious, I mean it.
Marty. I just found out
about an incredible story, a bizarre plot.
Washington is trying influence the game. '
- Hunter, please.
- This could have far-reaching implications.
- Soviets could be involved.
- I'm sure you'll get to the bottom of it.
I don't know, this could take a few months,
I could run out of money fast.
Besides, I just got here...
- You just got there?
- Yeah, minutes ago.
You left on Tuesday. Today's Saturday.
You too? The same mix-up
happened to me.
I thought it was Tuesday... Saturday,
everybody was here.
Room service!
I'll check on it. Hold on.
What?
What?
Hold on, somebody's here.
Come on in. Where the hell have you been?
You'll be safe here.
I'm on the phone.
Marty?
- I'm still here.
- Yeah.
I may need some more money.
I'm entertaining in the room and it runs up.
OK, OK, enough.
Sit, sit, seor.
I got people from the consulate here.
What has that to do with the Super Bowl?
- What the hell was that noise?
- What noise?
Get the goddamn tap off the phone!
You think you're playing with children here?
Are you OK now? Good.
I OKed everything you asked for except
the stereo and the video recorder.
- How am I gonna see the game?
- Ever heard of a press box?
Shit, then you miss the slow-mos,
the instant replay, all that stuff.
I don't care about any replay.
Thompson, are you hearing me?
I want 10,000 words by deadline Sunday!
You don't want any bogus journalism.
Not after your picture was in Newsweek
playing horsey.
Go long. El zono finale.
I want 10,000 words, Thompson.
Head for the sunset! Deeper, deeper!
Do you hear me?
You all right?
Oh, good.
Direct pressure is best. I'll get a Band-Aid.
We're getting some noise complaints
up on 20.
- We'll check it out, sir.
- Do that.
Excuse me. You guys,
come here for a minute, will you?
- What's your name?
- Briggs.
- Danny.
- Blackie.
Tomorrow's Super Sunday,
I gotta get a super rest.
You look like you know what you're doing.
Get down the hallway...
...and muzzle that fruitcake.
- I'll take care of it.
- This is for you.
- You're gonna take care of it?
- Yeah.
Fuckin' A, you will. Right over there.
No more calls, God damn it!
I want some discipline on that front desk.
Does the name Vince Lombardi
mean anything in this town?
Hollywood scum. All right.
Rose!
Rose, you turned it over, sorry. It's our ball.
Angel, let's do it.
Your conversions are gonna tell a story.
Go down... behind the bar.
I'll look for you.
Right, she's in that Dallas flex.
Five-three! 58!
- 19 blue!
- Louder. Help him.
Hello?
Pork chop! Hut-hut!
Forced to scramble!
Touchdown!
Touchdown.
Hold it, come on.
I got a key here someplace.
- Just don't let him bullshit you.
- Hey.
Don't worry about a thing. I got it.
Watch the linebacker.
Pick him up! Dah!
- Shit.
- Briggs. Oh, Briggs?
Briggs?
Brownie? Yeah, it's Blackie.
Did the price change?
I didn't sleep a wink since I spoke to you.
Super Sunday. Dawn.
My recollections of the last 12 hours
are very dim.
All that I know for certain is that,
shortly after I checked in,
two Third World drug abusers
dressed as hotel employees
forced their way into my room, ransacked it,
drank all my liquor, did all my drugs,
stole my dinner.
If security isn't beefed up at this hotel,
I'm looking for safer accommodations.
It's a sad state of affairs when this reporter
has to go heavily armed to breakfast.
And what a breakfast it is.
Still alive, still kicking.
Could I have another round?
- Of cocktails?
- Everything. Cocktails, food.
Super Sunday, you gotta store up energy.
Could go into sudden death.
Yeah.
Enjoying myself? I'm in a fucking nuthouse.
Sir, you can't come in here looking like that.
I'm the President of the United States
and I can do anything I want.
Hi, guy.
Brownie, this you wouldn't believe.
All bets off, I'm coming home.
Hi. Sock it to me!
Fellow Americans. Ha-ha-ha.
- Come on, let's get out of here.
- There's one of them.
Oh, boy, Thompson,
you always knew this could happen.
- Well?
- You look good.
Sock it to me.
- Does he want a menu?
- Cottage cheese and ketchup?
No, thanks, we're in... sort of a rush.
Thank God for that.
Lazlo. What happened to you?
Hey, man, I brought you a present, man.
Go ahead, try it on.
Come on, hurry up. We gotta get moving.
- Moving?
- We got a lot of ground to cover.
- Let's get out of here.
- I can't get out of here.
- I can't go.
- Thompson, this is me. Lazlo.
I know. I saw you in the mask,
I said, "Hey, that's Lazlo. "
- I'm here in the flesh.
- I'm sure there's a reason for that too.
- I've got a deadline to meet.
- Deadline?
- I gotta do this story.
- What? You're not a fucking sportswriter.
- That hurts.
- I don't see you for three fucking years
and you have the nerve to sit there
and tell me you got a deadline.
Now come on before I get pissed off.
Get your souvenir pennants here.
Dallas, Miami, we got 'em here.
Nothing good can come from this.
- Relax.
- Relax?
You grabbed me
off an important assignment
to go on who knows what kind of freakout.
Excuse me.
There we go.
Get your programmes.
I got programmes.
Get your pennants here.
It's good weed.
I got caps,
I got Dallas Cowboy caps...
Say, do you fellas like football?
Say what?
I got a couple Super Bowl tickets here.
Let me see.
These look good. How much you want?
Who's talking sell? Let's talk trade.
- Trade?
- Yeah, say... that ticket for...
that bottle of wine.
That ticket... for that wine?
Good.
- Nice hat.
- That is a beauty.
- I like the hat
- The hat for the ticket?
- That's great.
- Seems fair.
Great.
Here. You'll need these.
- What are they?
- These'll get you into the press box.
- Press passes.
- Room keys.
Good thinking.
Here. Go on up,
have a drink before the game.
- This your room?
- Yeah, all paid for.
Thank you.
Have a nice Super Bowl Sunday.
You too.
Tickets, and passes, and a key?
- Some shit going down somewhere.
- Tough.
I tried to call you a few times.
Yeah, well, I moved out of town.
Yeah, consolidate your winnings, huh?
Yeah, be proud, man.
You're becoming a famous writer.
The famous Dr Gonzo.
I can't account for
how people deal with it, you know.
I've done OK. Shit...
You know what I really liked, though?
That column where you tried to find out
where I was.
You were missed, Lazlo, by a lot of people.
Not by me, of course, but...
I got a new approach now, a new plan.
I wish you luck in your new endeavour.
- Come on.
- I got it.
Come closer, man. Closer.
OK, there you go.
You know, I'm an endangered species.
Kind of like the buffalo.
Like, a lot of people thought I was dead,
but you don't write any postcards
when you're on the road to self-discovery.
I mean, the journey to enlightenment
is a long trip
and that's the way it is, you know?
You just keep going further and further
and deeper and deeper
into higher and higher realms
of consciousness.
- Am I right?
- Yes, sir, I think so.
You've been there too, huh?
- I think so, sir.
- Course he has. Look at his eyes.
- I just don't pick up anybody hitchhiking.
- Yeah, yeah.
I have been completely reborn.
I am a new man.
- Nyuh!
- I've been to outer regions.
And I've walked with the king. You dig it?
I have walked with the king!
I've stood on the mountain,
I saw all the earth, man!
- It's all over myself here.
- And he talked back.
He talked back.
He said, "It's all right, man. It's all right. "
We were all right.
Well, this is all good news. Very comforting.
This is empty.
I think I'd like to get out pretty soon.
Oh.
You don't wanna get out around here.
No, hey, we're your friends. Relax.
Lazlo...
you may have been wrong about him.
He may not... fit in.
How much do you think he knows?
Enough to put us in personal danger.
Boy. That kid was sick.
- Why did you pick him up?
- He needed help.
He was out of his mind. What is with you,
picking up weirdos? I knew right away.
He could've done serious damage.
- I like to help people.
- He had a wooden hand.
I thought he was just tense.
Mr Lewis?
I'm sorry, there's no answer, Mr Lewis.
That's impossible. Just keep ringing.
I'm certain he's up there.
Hello? Hello?
Hunter? Hunter what?
Ain't nobody doin' no huntin' up here, fool!
This is a party, not a safari!
...Cowboys were a better team.
Dallas, its second trip here.
Because of media hype, the news media,
in the weeks before the Super Bowl,
the distraction caused by the reporters,
it is felt that a team making its first trip
to Super Bowl,
as the Miami Dolphins are,
is much more distracted
than a team that's been through it before.
Hence one reason, repeat only one reason,
for the Dallas Cowboys' favouritism
here this afternoon.
Miami, of course,
moved toward this Super Bowl appearance
by winning one of the great
football games of...
Come on, let me show you around.
Is this the old Baby Face Nelson place?
You guys know American gangsters?
Homeboy to T1. Homeboy to T1.
You remember Billy?
He got paroled after three years.
He's joined our cause.
- Glad you could make it, man.
- I couldn't miss this,
when the old gang gets back for a hoot.
- I don't know how long I'm gonna stay.
- Don't worry, man.
As your ex-attorney,
I advise you not to worry.
Homeboy to T1. Homeboy to T1.
She's terrific. I met her in Vegas.
- Lazlo, it's Rojas, he's coming.
- Perfect.
- Right on schedule.
- Rojas?
Yeah, Rojas. Come on, everybody, let's go.
Lazlo!
Compaero.
Como ests? Esto es Lazlo.
Nos tiene los rifles, las pistolas,
las granadas, las bombas.
Todo lo que necesitamos!
Is this your new A party list?
Odd-looking group.
Then you always did have strange friends.
Associates. You are my friend.
Oh, that's good to know.
- Puedo?
- Whoa, whoa. Un momentito.
Para ti.
Mira lo que veo!
Mira que belleza!
Pero yo nunca haba visto
un ametralladora as!
Mira!
You gave this man a gun?
Perfecto. S.
No.
Es como una mujer!
Playful little puppy, isn't he?
Muy buenos rifle.
Muy fast.
Pendejo!
Quite a staff you got here.
Cara tan linda, coo, ven aca.
Un tequilita, un tequilita.
Lazlo, what kind of weirdness is that?
Look, man...
We need you to write about our movement.
There's an airplane coming in later.
- Airplane?
- These people are our brothers.
They got a struggle and I wanna help 'em.
- You should be part of it.
- These are your brothers?
This cheap imitation General Patton
out here?
I oughtta Mace the fucker for that cheap
trouncing he gave his buddy. Fuck you!
It's history, man.
Guns, dope, armed insurrection.
Peasant land seizure.
Dig it.
Ghost riders, anarchist prophets,
fire, blood...
revolution!
Oh, it's a grand, grand tale, Laz.
It's right up there with Gone With The Wind.
I'm all for dope and goats, nobody's bigger,
but, you know, crazed dope lawyer
turns gun-running revolutionary,
I'm pounding it up in my head
and I think you should take me back
to the hotel and I'll finish the story.
Don't give me this shit,
I'm counting on you.
You gotta write a story. I need your help.
Lazlo, look out there,
these guys are piranhas with guns.
They stop their own.
Hey, guns don't scare me, buddy.
I'm a weapons expert.
Oh, gee, I'm sorry.
Oh, no.
Oh, gee, what a mix-up. Sorry.
Oh, my God. Jeez.
Billy, you wanna turn on the game?
See if there's a score, Bill, yeah.
Half-time here at Super Bowl VI
with Dallas leading Miami only 10 to 3.
I say only because the seven-point margin
doesn't tell the dominance of the Cowboys
through the first 30 minutes. '
Dallas led by their brilliant quarterback,
by the brilliant running
of halfback Duane Thomas.
- Hi, Momma!
- Get him outta here!
I wanna say hi to Big Bertha...
- Sir, you'll have to leave.
- Do you see this fat fucker?
Hey, man, I'm glad you're here.
Who's your favourite group?
The Stones or the Beatles?
This is T1 to Homeboy. Over.
- This is Homeboy.
- I am six miles east at 900 feet.
Over there. Yeah, on that ridge.
We see you, you're dead ahead.
Billy, light the runway.
Truthfully now, have you done this before?
Many, many times.
OK, everybody, let's go.
Please! You can't leave your car here.
Give me your keys, I'll run it back.
Come on, come on.
It's your car, somebody's gonna steal it.
ndale, ndale!
Move it!
Move it, pronto!
Get it in there, get it in there.
Put it in there.
Partner.
Move it, come on! Move it!
Vamos, muchachos. Let's go.
Holy shit.
Come on!
- This guy a friend of yours?
- Grab the fuckin' box!
Can I carry something?
Yeah.
Hey... whoa!
Come on! Hunter!
- Come on, man!
- Fascisti swine!
Bastards! Playground strafers!
- This car is a classic!
- ndale!
Hey! Hey! Thompson!
Red alert! Red alert!
I don't think we'll be doing this again, Lazlo.
Gonzo! Gonzo! Gonzo!
Dr Thompson, where've you been?
We've been waiting for you.
- Come on. Are you OK?
- Quit whining.
- I... I was just...
- You've upset me already,
calling me first thing...
- Holy Jesus.
- No, we're going out there now.
I don't think so.
You've whipped them into a frenzy.
- Only a fool would go in there.
- They really want to see you.
They probably mean business.
This isn't right.
Come on. I think it's gonna be all right.
- You look just fine.
- I know I look great
- but I don't feel too confident.
- Stay right there.
- I'll be right back. Stay right there.
- Well...
Gonzo! Gonzo!
OK!
They got the real woodpeckers here today.
I know you've been waiting a long time
but he's here, so you'll get him.
OK, quiet down, everybody.
OK, great.
OK, as you all know, Dr Thompson
is working on the campaign.
He's on a very tight schedule, so keep
the questions brief and one at a time.
Ladies and gentlemen, Dr Thompson.
Me, me, me!
Let's start here.
- Dr Thompson...
- Any questions? What?
In your recent pieces about the candidate,
you're having difficulty
getting to see him. Why is that?
Well, I think we keep different hours.
Probably most of it, he calls me, I'm not in.
I return his call, he's out.
He calls back, gets my machine.
I call him back, he's under sedation.
It goes on.
Cos I thought it had
something to do with this article
where you called him a treacherous hack
and a vermin-filled ex-wart healer
who should be castrated so that his genes
aren't passed on to future generations.
Did I say that?
Well, I must have meant it if I said it. So...
I owe him an apology or nothing at all.
If you get to see him,
what are you gonna say?
Well...
I'm gonna tell him to wear brighter colours.
He...
Shut up. I'll talk.
Why do you think they gave me this?
Dr Thompson,
for those of us who are writers...
Yeah? Those of us? Shall we raise
our hands so we know who we are?
Could you tell me if you thought drugs
and alcohol would make me a better writer?
That's a good question.
Let me see.
In my case, I hate to advocate drugs
or liquor, violence, insanity, to anyone,
but in my case it's worked.
We have another question
right here.
Dr Thompson, er, are you gonna write
any more articles about Lazlo?
Lazlo, my attorney?
No.
- No, he's dead.
- How's that?
He hasn't been heard from for some time
and he's believed dead.
Well, it always seemed to me
that he really didn't exist,
that he was a figment of your writing.
You couldn't invent someone like
Karl Lazlo. He was one of a kind, a mutant.
A real heavyweight water buffalo type.
Who could chew his way through
a concrete wall
and spit out the other side
covered with lime and chalk
and look good in doing it.
He he was one of a kind, and...
- Hey, Dooley! When do I get the interview?
- I'll take care of you.
You've been saying that for days, Dooley.
I would appreciate it because I have to file.
The candidate is very interested in you,
he reads your clippings every day,
I make sure he sees them.
- Dooley...
- Yeah?
Excuse me.
Thank you. Oh, hi.
Oh, excuse me.
Excuse me.
- Somebody sitting there?
- No.
Oh, jeez, I'm sorry.
They never search me. Honest face.
Fortunate it's me and not some maniac.
You could raise some real hell with this.
Torture a stewardess, hold the pilot at bay,
slash all the wiring.
- Want some?
- No, thanks.
Lot of C in there, vitamin C.
Well, I get very greedy with my supplies
once we're airborne.
Back on board the campaign special.
Just made the plane after a flock
of poisoned ravens dive-bombed my car.
The candidate is probably under sedation
in his compartment.
Last night he was at the hotel pool
doing stunt dives for two cocktail waiters
who were skinny-dipping in the pool.
Screamed, "Watch my cannonball,"
went high into the air,
landed right on his testicles.
Be tough to watch his speech today knowing
his balls are the colours of the rainbow.
OK, Thompson, up.
Special session with the candidate, I guess.
Watch my stuff and I'll share my notes.
Bring your stuff, you're off the plane.
You can't throw me off.
I have the proper credentials.
I decide who goes on what plane.
From now on, you're on the zoo plane
with the technicians.
Dooley, let him stay. He's got
as much right to be here as any of us.
Don't push your luck, Lisogor.
This is a cruel and bitter defeat,
and one that I probably won't forget.
I'm not gonna worry about it.
Would you like a beer?
In the event of sudden loss of cabin
pressure, oxygen masks will be released.
- Hi.
- Wouldn't let you up there?
A minor setback, that's all.
Thank you, you're very sweet.
- You're Harris from the Post, aren't you?
- Right.
That was nice stuff on the Florida primary.
You were the only one who had
the blue collar vote on the button.
- Incomplete.
- Is it always like this here?
It's usually worse. Everyone's getting up.
Thank God I'm only on for one stop. I don't
know how my backup man can stand it.
It gets real ugly late in the day
when they start cooking.
Jesus, why do they have to make
so much noise?
Hey, how about shutting up?
A little charity, huh?
Hey, you don't look too good.
- My head feels like it's caving in.
- I had the same thing this morning.
You got some aspirin there?
These are prescription
but they'll take care of your headache.
They won't put me to sleep?
Oh, no.
They'll relax you, though, quite a bit.
Jesus, who's flying this thing?
Oh, one of the gang.
One of these people?
Several of us are qualified
but this guy hasn't had much experience.
Listen, I think I'd like one of those,
if that's OK.
Don't tell anybody where you got 'em.
- I'll take two.
- Good, that's what I took.
- Here.
- Ah, thanks.
I never had any complaints
about the blue ones.
Listen to what Thompson's written.
"The candidate,
and his crew of shameless enforcers,
"brought their weird act to Wisconsin,
"passing out free hits of black acid
to anyone who could stick out his tongue. "
- Acid?
- "A truly remarkable way
"of getting votes. "
Make way! Make way!
Harris from the Post!
Is coming through!
Where is he?
Where is my friend Thompson?
Thompson?
Thompson! Thompson!
It's Harris from the Post!
Who's this?
Harris from the Post!
It's my turn to fly!
- Oh, jeez.
- Does he have a licence?
He's not instrument rated though.
I don't think he should.
I feel... wonferdul.
You're looking good. OK.
All right, let's go have a cocktail.
All right. Yeah, I told her about you.
We got an emergency here!
Swine, open the door!
I'll be out in a second.
All right, let me have your attention, please.
Keep moving, just listen to me.
The candidate will be speaking at the Loving
Care senior citizens centre at 12:45.
We will reassemble here at 2:30,
takeoff's at three o'clock. Don't get lost.
Once again, the candidate...
...will be speaking at the Loving... Care
senior citi... zens centre...
Excuse me, have you seen Mr Harris
from the Post?
Mr Harris, what happened?
What's all this?
Harris from the Post.
How you doing, boys? Good to see you.
Hiya, sir. Harris from the Post.
Good to see you again.
Can I get anything for you, sir?
How's the family, Harris?
The family? Oh, that's bad news.
The screwheads finally came
and took my daughter away.
Let me ask you a question, sir.
What is this country doing for the doomed?
There are two kinds of people
in this country.
The doomed...
and the screwheads,
savage tribal thugs who live off
illegal incomes, burrowed deep out there.
No respect for human dignity.
They don't know what you and I understand.
You ever play football, Harris?
Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir. I played in college.
They're gonna get your daughter too.
I've heard their rallies.
They like Julie, but Tricia...
And they really hate you, sir.
You know that one half
of the state senate...
of Utah... are screwheads?
You know, I was never really
frightened by the...
bop-heads.
And the potheads with their silliness
never frightened me either.
But these goddamn screwheads...
they terrify me.
And the poor doomed,
the young and the silly and the honest,
and weak,
and Italians,
they're doomed.
They're lost, they're helpless,
they're somebody else's meal.
They're like pigs in the wilderness.
Come here, Harris.
Come here.
Fuck the doomed.
Move it along, no need to run.
- Just get on the plane.
- Wait for me.
This is it, right up here. Take your
seats, we take off in a few moments.
Hey, Dooley...
You wanna pick that up, take it with you?
Pick that up, take it with you!
Would you like a cocktail?
Do you happen to have
two aspirin?
Holy shit.
Not here.
- Is this seat taken?
- No, sit down.
- Is something wrong?
- Yeah.
No, nothing is wrong.
I just thought maybe I'd forgotten
my medicine.
Here it is. Everything's in order now.
Say... if anyone asks...
this seat right here is taken.
It's highly unlikely but I may have to flop
around in case I have one of my seizures.
Seizures?
Excuse me.
Oh, I'm sorry, this seat is taken.
- No, it isn't.
- But this man is...
He's capable of seizures.
That's better.
No, no, just relax.
Good.
This is terrific.
No question,
you got something going here, Hunter.
Harris. My name is Harris.
Ooh, Harris, right, I got it.
Undercover, right?
- Maybe I should sit somewhere else.
- No, no, no, you're fine.
But... I don't wanna sit here.
Trust me.
OK?
So, man...
you surprised to see me?
You bet.
You have no idea how much trouble
I had tracking you down,
- all the zipping around you do.
- I got a nutty, nutty schedule, Laz.
Yeah, well, anyway...
we got some business to do.
- We have business?
- Oh, yeah. Big business.
Now... Jesus, I got so much stuff here,
I don't know where to start.
This is it.
Land. Our land.
Acres and acres of it, man.
Square miles of land.
- Well?
- Sounds good.
I'm gonna be in San Francisco Tuesday.
We should get together.
Hey, man, that's no good.
We gotta move on this now.
Look at this.
- These guys you can trust, I trained 'em.
- Honest... honest faces, all of 'em.
Here. Look at this. Look at the body.
She's down there waiting for you.
I picked her out myself.
Hey.
This is Harris of the Post,
experiencing extreme turbulence,
and we're still on the ground.
Holy Jesus.
The forecast is for bad greasiness.
Don't you understand, man?
This'll be like having our own country,
the two of us.
It'll be like paradise, man,
like a fucking paradise!
You wise-ass son of a bitch. You're off
this campaign. Give me your credentials.
- Hold on.
- Give them to me right now.
Hey, calm down.
Calm down? Who are you? Who is he?
Who is this fat clown?
- Fat clown?
- Oh...
Yeah, fat clown.
Do I have to repeat myself all the time?
You psychotic, you've done it to me again.
It's for your own good.
You don't belong here.
Oh, look out.
It's just a drill, just a drill. Stay down.
- Dooley, are you all right?
- Thank you.
Dooley, heads up.
Stay back!
How do you stop this thing?
It's stuck. What the hell?
Agh! It wasn't, you swine!
You know it wasn't stuck.
Oh, my God.
Back there, whoo!
Oh, that was great, man.
Just like the old times.
- Jesus.
- Don't worry, we'll write a new story.
You are a menace to yourself
and those around you.
You can't stay on that plane, you'll dry up.
You're a creative man, a writer.
It did take a while to rile them up.
They're not your people.
I'm your people, man.
We're right on schedule. Truck's over here.
- I'm not coming.
- You're not coming?
I can't, you're insane, you're a maniac.
You're fortunate I haven't turned you in.
Hey, man, what are you talking about?
- I got this organised. Look at it.
- There's nothing there. It's rocks and dirt.
- That's the idea. We'll build.
- Build what?
You already live in the land of the weird.
Fuck, man, you're a writer.
Use your imagination.
- All right. Oh, there's buildings there.
- We'll build a goddamn paradise!
Our own place, you and me.
We got land, we got dope, we got women.
What kind of women would go there?
- That's not it, man.
- I'm not coming.
You gotta be my partner,
like it's always been, man.
Fifty-fifty.
Yeah, but I'm not coming.
It's blowing away!
Hey, come on, help me.
Hunter, come on.
You're my friend. Help me. It's gonna be
great, man. It's gonna be paradise.
Hot damn.
So much for the facts.
Bronco, listen to this, tell me what you think.
"Well, I guess if I had to swear
one way or another,
"I'd say Lazlo wasn't insane.
"He just had very strange rhythms.
"But he stomped on the terror.
"Lord Buckley said that.
"It's hard to say he got what he deserved...
"because he never really got anything. "
"At least, not in this story,
"and right now this story is all we have. "
Come on, Bronco, we're celebrating.
Come on, the story is finished, man,
don't get weird on me now.
To better days, huh?
A close second, Bronco.
"It's sad.
"But what's really sad is...
"it never got weird enough for me.
"I moved to the country
when the boat got too crowded.
"Then I learned that President Nixon
"had been eaten by white cannibals
on an island near Tijuana
"for no good reason at all.
"Golly, you hear a lot of savage and
unnatural things about people these days.
"And Lazlo and Nixon are both gone now.
"But I don't think I'm going to believe that
"until I can gnaw on both of their skulls
with my very own teeth. "
Fuck those people, huh?
"If they're out there, I'm going to find them
"and I'm going to gnaw on their skulls...
"because it still hasn't gotten
weird enough for me. "
Go away!
Get a grip, Thompson.
Come on. It's just a deadline.
You got two hours till the presses roll.
Shut up! You'll get words
when I want to give them to you.
No need to panic, huh?
Just another deadline.
I'll just lash together a few raw facts,
little bit of old negro wisdom,
and this nightmare is over.
Nixon.
Come on, easy boy. You never liked this.
Bronco, come on. Bronco, come on.
Fun is fun.
Lie on your side. Down!
Lie on your side.
Fun is fun.
Good boy, Bronco.
Savage bastards.
There, chew on that gibberish for a while,
you heartless scum.
You've pushed me too far.
Down, Bronco, he's mine!
I was deciding to write off this weird town,
makes you sleep forever.
This wouldn't be the first time I got sucked
into writing about Lazlo, Karl Lazlo esquire,
attorney at law, my attorney.
This was the man I counted on
to keep me out of jail in those years.
Those weird years between
the '60s and the '70s,
the age of Nixon.
It was a time to keep your head down.
I was a working journalist, a hired geek
of sorts, and Lazlo was great company
and sometimes a good lawyer.
It was a fast, strange time,
and we worked in fast, strange ways.
He claimed he was being chased
by Mr Nixon
when his car was attacked
by a swarm of bats.
Bats?
It's obvious he was having
a paranoid drug reaction.
Every 20 minutes, he calls down to the desk,
demands to see his lawyer and hangs up.
He claims he's being held a prisoner.
I'm rambling.
I think I'd better tell my readers that I'm
no longer responsible for anything I write.
I've been without sleep for 80 hours
so I'm beyond simple fatigue.
The hallucinations have stopped,
finally, thank God,
but my adrenaline reserves are burning out
and I'm staring into the face
of a psychotic freak-out.
- What are you doing?
- I'm writing.
Writing?
Yeah. And my deadline page, too.
I'm pouring it on now. Right on the edge.
But I made a smart move
checking into this place
because, you know, in case I lose it totally,
I know I'll be safe in the arms
of the sisters of mercy.
What are you writing?
My Attorney Versus American Justice.
Cute title, and...
hopefully I'll be able to finish it.
Morning.
Let me recommend... Try a blue one.
A blue one? Really?
Little bugger gets right on top of you.
Shit. Shit!
Dr Roberts, call Dr Bretherton
in administration.
Dr Roberts, call Dr Bretherton.
- No! No more, please!
- Sorry.
Just relax.
Everything's gonna be just fine.
I'll be gone in a second.
Nice day.
Take it easy.
Five more minutes then we're out of here.
We could just make it away with you along,
you know.
Student nurse, you know.
Clear-headed.
Used to thinking in terms of crisis.
Bat!
Lazlo. What took you so long?
It's been a nightmare here.
- Bat.
- Ooh. What have you done?
Jeez, she was just fine a minute ago.
Oh, I'm eating her cookie.
Cook, the bat here is Karl Lazlo.
As your attorney,
I advise you to leave this room at once.
Right.
Oh, shit. Good thinking, we may need this.
- Come on, get your things, let's go, Cook.
- No, she should stay.
We can't leave her in this snake pit,
they'll pick her bones clean.
- Thompson, trust my judgment.
- Not in this instance. She's harmless.
She's good with her hands too,
she made these for me.
Come on!
Oh, jeez.
You'll probably be safer here.
Mr Thompson!
- Yeah!
- Mr Thompson, open the door.
Mr Thompson.
- Watch out for this fucker.
- You have one of our nurses in there.
All right... Vaya con dios.
Shit. Shit!
Ah, shit.
You gotta get this because it's important.
- Can you drive and...?
- No problem.
The key aspects
are all in the Fourth Amendment...
Great, a basis in reality, that's good.
- ... including the need for probable cause...
- Probable cause? All right.
...and the right for people to be secure
in their homes free from illegal search.
That's the big one.
It's the fucking Constitution.
I mean...
Hey, you're getting all of this too.
- I'm a total professional.
- Good.
Cos this is important stuff, a whole
generation of kids are being screwed.
Their rights are being violated
every day by the police.
They take the kids, rough 'em up,
throw 'em in jail...
- Gestapo tactics.
- Exactly.
All right, spread 'em, hit the wall.
Come on, shut up and get your head down.
- Come on, will you...?
- Spread 'em!
The judges are cold,
they throw the kids in jail, give them
ridiculous sentences, all for headlines.
- You getting this?
- Yep.
Good. Stay with me.
Hey! Goddamn... Hey!
Come back here!
How many people are gonna read this?
About 800,000, a million maybe.
- When is this gonna come out?
- Well...
it was supposed to be in the last issue
but maybe this one.
- When did these come in?
- An hour ago.
I want to see everything.
Page, get up here!
Well?
Nobody's seen him
since he left the hospital.
- Get on the phone.
- You know him, he could be anywhere.
I don't give a shit. You find him.
He owes me a cover story and I want it.
- OK, I'm going, I'm doing, I'm looking.
- Check the bars.
No.
No.
Yes.
- No.
- Yes.
- Mr Lazlo!
- Well... look who's here.
- The master barrister.
- That's right.
Give me the Colts, the Steelers, the Jets...
- Jasper Russell meet Dr Thompson.
- Hello, Doctor.
I'm taking the Bears, I can't quit on them.
Excellent bone man.
He specialises in gunshot wounds.
Well, I can give you a cheque.
I know, but...
Well, you know where you can find me.
He's a weirdo, Lazlo.
Lazlo, how are you doing?
Never better.
You know, I really admire you.
- Really?
- Yeah. But you could do a lot better.
- No shit.
- You're strong, you're tough,
you're good, the clients like you.
But it's the wrong rules,
and you're playing the wrong game.
Let me send you some real clients -
divorce, real estate.
That's business, Lazlo.
You can do the cases,
we'll split it down the middle.
We'll make a deal, we'll make money.
- The guy said...
- Money?
...that it wasn't so bad to make money.
- Remember that.
- You mean I'd...
make some money and maybe be like your
field representative, handle the overflow?
You're not making any money representing
these jack-offs, and you know it.
- Jack-offs?
- Now you've done it.
You call the people I defend jack-offs?
- Hear ye, hear ye, everybody!
- Calm down!
Look at a man who defends evil people!
Will you guys just knock it off?
Lazlo, God damn it, get down.
Repent! There's still time!
Bless you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus.
We hear you, Jesus.
Whosoever's name is not written in the book
of life shall be cast into a lake of fire!
Amen! Amen!
- Mr Lazlo.
- Hey, Lazlo.
Hey, Lazlo!
OK, OK, settle down, settle down.
OK, 223 Coal Street, where are you?
We're gonna go inside and make a motion
to suppress the search and seizure.
We're gonna say the cops
didn't have probable cause.
Got it? OK. Livingstone.
You got your old lady?
Good. Billy, we're gonna
get to you this afternoon.
OK, now.
I want you to remember one thing.
Once we get inside, no grab-ass.
No fooling around, no yelling, no booing,
none of that stuff.
Just keep cool and let's do it.
- OK? Come on.
- All right.
...on behalf of the coming defence...
...sheer domestic tranquillity...
Would you be
interested in donating blood, sir?
Donate? My blood?
As a matter of fact, I'm here to pick up
some blood. Hope you're my type of girl.
Roll up your sleeve.
This'll prick for just a second.
I'm a doctor, I'm a doctor.
Jesus, I missed. Sorry.
You're moving now,
you gotta hold still.
- Here we go. That's a beautiful colour.
- No!
You got a lot of it too. All right!
All right.
OK, hold on, hold on.
All right.
I'm a little cowgirl.
Kiss and make better.
Yeah, all right.
You should do that all the time.
Several times a month, at least.
Lazlo, Lazlo, Lazlo.
The whole calendar is Lazlo. Will I ever get
to ply my trade against anyone else?
Yeah, asshole,
when you stop busting kids.
Remember thou, keep holy the Lord's day.
Honour thy father and mother.
Thou shalt not kill.
Thou shalt not commit adultery.
Thou shalt not steal. Thou shalt not be
a false witness against thy neighbour.
So this is it. Nice place.
Jeez, you can almost smell the narcs.
There's a certain kind of a stink.
You know that stink? Jesus.
- Where's the chamber of horrors?
- Room six. Grab a seat.
First come, first served.
Get smart, Lazlo.
Look, could you just hold this for a second?
Just a second.
I'll see you in court.
Everyone rise.
Be seated.
Jesus, it's happening already.
Kind of close quarters in here, isn't it?
Let's go.
Let's get this thing moving.
Clerk, where are the files?
Come on, we're backed up.
Let's see.
State versus Occupants 223 Coal Street.
Possession, sales marijuana.
623 Paige Street, marijuana.
People versus Kramer, marijuana.
These all yours, Lazlo?
Yes, your honour!
We'll set a hearing
on the Coal Street matter.
How about the 13th?
- What about the motions?
- Motions? What motions?
A motion to suppress
the search and seizure.
- There's a probable cause question...
- Wait.
Have you conferred
with the district attorney?
- Yes.
- And?
I and my clients are going to trial.
You tell him!
How long will these motions take?
An hour, maybe two, maybe more,
I don't know. I have a lot of questions.
For instance, in the Coal Street matter...
Mr Lazlo, Mr Willins,
would you please approach the bench?
Here, I'll be right back.
Would you mind?
Gentlemen, let's be reasonable.
For 16 crummy joints, are you kidding me?
I'm gonna take every case to trial,
every one, if I have to.
I can back this place up for six years.
You're making a mistake, Lazlo.
Four, five,
six, seven,
eight, nine, ten...
Marty. Where the hell you been?
Been looking all over for you.
You are not registered at your hotel.
Your rental car is reported stolen.
Personally, I couldn't give a shit,
but you owe me a story.
Is it due? Am I late?
You've got a deadline in 19 hours.
Now where's my story?
It's right in there.
Great too, incredible story,
it's developing fast.
I think it could be
the best thing I've ever done.
All I gotta do now is write it up.
Write it up?
You've got 19 hours.
You move like a cat, Marty.
37, 38, 39...
Entered? How could you enter?
The door was locked.
You broke down the door without a warrant.
- I heard a scream.
- You heard a scream.
Are you sure it wasn't laughter? Kids having
a good time, innocent merriment?
No, it sounded like a scream.
Hit him with the Fourth Amendment, Laz.
That's not really appropriate,
the Fourth Amendment.
- You're a law student?
- Yeah.
Don't come on so heavy.
- Why would I ever hire you?
- I'm sorry.
OK, so you went inside.
Then what happened?
I saw one of the defendants make
a furtive movement.
- Like what?
- Shall I demonstrate?
- Please.
- It was like this.
- That's a furtive movement?
- Down into here.
I'd like to demonstrate
that movement just like this.
That's a furtive move
and you were scared and...
- then what did you do?
- So I searched him.
And what, in fact, did you find?
- Pack of Marlboros.
- A pack of Marlboro cigarettes.
So instead of just realising you had made
a human error and returning the cigarettes,
you decided to peek inside. Why?
Because I thought that defendant
may have been concealing
a small plastic exploding device
of some kind.
So I opened up the cigarettes, that's why.
You were looking for a bomb
in a packet of cigarettes?
Take your seat.
I'm sorry.
I'm in control.
Not sure about these people, though.
Is this man an associate of yours?
No, just a...
just a good American like yourself.
May we proceed?
And although, in all fairness,
I must say your legal rights
might have been better protected,
given my willingness and the willingness
of the district attorney.
I feel compelled to sentence you each
to six months in the county jail.
Six months? Why?
You could've cut off their feet.
Once more and you're out of the courtroom.
Clerk, best get moving. Next case.
Nice going, Lazlo.
The People versus William Kramer.
- You want some?
- No, thanks.
Looks like you got a good thing going there.
- So you gave the cop the bag?
- Yeah.
Why? Why didn't you say no?
I don't know.
I guess I thought maybe
nothing would happen to me.
Because, in your mind,
that bag didn't belong to you.
It didn't.
Nevertheless, you were arrested for
possession of one pound of marijuana.
This is your second arrest for possession.
- Yeah.
- How much did you have the first time?
One joint.
One joint. And for this you did time in jail.
- Yeah.
- How long?
18 months.
18 months for one joint.
OK, look...
who was it?
What was the name of the guy
who gave you the bag of grass?
I don't think he's gonna tell him.
- He's not.
- The kid's tough.
He is tough, and he's not gonna talk.
Do you know his name, Mr Kramer?
You wanna tell him?
OK.
I'm sorry, Judge, the kid's not a squealer.
Take your seat, Mr Kramer.
The court is still in session.
The defence rests.
Will the defendant please rise?
Any person who transports into this state,
sells, furnishes or gives away any marijuana
- shall be punished...
- What's he doing?
- He's reading the fucking law.
- ... five years to life...
I think you guys should listen.
His honour is reading the sentence.
Fuck off.
- He's your client.
- ... not less than three years.
Do you understand your sentence,
Mr Kramer?
No.
Five years to life.
- Five years?
- Easy, Lazlo.
Did you say five years?
- That's ridiculous. I protest!
- Contempt!
Five fucking years?
It's a travesty of justice. I will not stand for it.
I will not give you any names.
Smile for the camera.
What does this mean, Lazlo?
Write about it!
Tell the world!
Tell them the truth!
- Here's the story.
- Great, let's have it.
- It's incredible, kid raped by the court...
- Come on, we got two hours.
...and Lazlo's arrested, he's in jail.
- I told him that you'd pay for his bail.
- I can't afford it.
- Doesn't matter, he doesn't want it.
- Good.
He said, "Forget the money, but if Marty
could say some sort of personal prayer
"it'd make a big difference. "
No, no, no, don't do this to me, please.
Hell, I'll pray with you.
I can't do this. I can't pray.
Sure you can. Dig deep.
Come on, it's like riding a bicycle.
- I can't pray.
- Come on, come on, come on.
Anybody can.
"Dear God". That'd probably be
a good way to start, something like that.
Dear God, thank you for everything.
- Get Lazlo in there.
- Dear God, thank you for everything,
- and God bless Lazlo too.
- And all the people of the world.
And all the people of the world too.
Let's have it.
- Please, let's have it.
- Do you have the cheque?
You didn't sign this. You gotta sign this.
They won't cash that without your signature.
Glad I caught that.
It's not legal without the signature.
Thanks.
Thank Lazlo.
Well, that finished him
as a lawyer, at least as a working lawyer.
And some of it may have been my fault.
Perhaps I was not the kind of friend in court
Lazlo needed.
But the humour had gone,
there was nothing to be laughed at.
By the time we realised,
it was too late for both of us.
He quit the legal system.
No more polite talking with judges,
or journalists either, for that matter.
He was in a revolution now,
a revolution in acid,
and, boy, it was hard to find people to eat
acid with as the age of Nixon wore on.
Reality was too full of disappointments
for a generation
that grew up too confident to deal with
harsh realities like doom and failure.
A lot of people got off the boat
in those days, but not everybody.
Not Lazlo, not Nixon, not me.
We'd signed on for the whole trip.
Sir.
Hey, sir. Hey, sir!
Hey!
Agh! God!
Is anything wrong?
- Sir, what's wrong?
- My head.
- Your head?
- Who sent you?
- What are you talking about?
- What government agency?
- I think I'd like to find out.
- What are you doing?
- Give me answers!
- What? Yeah, OK.
What? What? What do you want to know?
- Where am I?
- At your hotel, man.
You're at your hotel, honest.
I haven't even caught my plane.
What game is being played here?
No, no, man, you in Los Angeles.
- You've landed right here in Los Angeles.
- Liar!
Check with the hotel,
there's anybody you can ask.
The desk, the bellhop, anybody.
- They really will...
- Wait, you're right.
- OK.
- It's coming back to me now.
- OK.
- I'm here on an assignment.
- Football. Super Bowl.
- Yeah, they're doing that.
You can see the marquee. It's 1972.
The big game, yeah.
Well, sports fans,
there is no burrow for one of these teams.
Brownie?
Yeah, it's Blackie. What's the line?
Nine?
Faffle's got it eight and a half.
Fuck it, I'm going the other way.
Yeah. And put me down for a dime.
Nickel defence. On the line of scrimmage.
Goes right, fades left...
One man between him and the goal line.
Dr Thompson, Blast magazine.
Is my suite ready? I need supplies sent up.
They're coming out of the woodwork
for this game. Spter, yeah.
I'm gonna need an IBM Selectric,
heavy duty,
a Xerox telecopier, the 516.
Teleco...
I'm also gonna need one of those
Sony cassettes, big mother, 1800.
- Big mother.
- Lots of white paper. Heavy bond.
- Heavy bond.
- Bic pens, medium point, blue.
Bic. Sir...
Sir, please.
Ow! May as well get the room service order.
- How about three crab Louis?
- Three crab Louis.
- Quart of ice, lots of ice.
- Lots of ice.
Quart of mescal. And 16 grapefruit.
- You getting all this?
- 16 grapefruit.
- Sir, I'm going to need your identification.
- Sure.
Shit! Somebody's stolen my wallet.
- I know what I'm doing.
- Sir...
He must be a doctor.
Thank you very much. Really appreciate it.
He's all yours.
Eureka! Nice work.
Back to business.
Two-bedroom suite,
closer to the top the better.
Oh, can you check the electrical outlets?
Gonna need a lot of power.
- 440 volts.
- 440 volts?
- Any problems, check with the magazine.
- Yes, sir.
Thank you.
Front, please?
Not too shabby, huh?
Mr Lewis's office.
May I ask who's calling, please?
Ah, oh, I see. Could you hold on one sec?
It's the hotel manager.
I think it's about Thompson.
Hello.
Yes, Mr Thompson is an employee of mine.
Why don't you just get to the point
and tell me what he wants?
No problem.
What was that last one?
A video recorder and a stereo?
No. That's out.
Tell him I said he doesn't need that.
Don't worry, I'll be checking with him
shortly. But I do appreciate the call.
Thank you.
He became a man...
the day of the greatest game ever played.
Everything he knew about decency and
morality, he learned that day in December
from Alan "the horse" Ameche.
Today in the Super Bowl
he would earn his wings.
A crowd had assembled,
a crowd of America's elite.
Toyota salesmen from around the country,
orientals and those suspected
of being orientals,
stacked on the 30 yard line watching him
sweat and wipe caked blood from his face.
The Gallo brothers, Ernest and Julio,
party guys who'd skinned a few Mexicans
and forced them to carry them on their
shoulders to the pregame tailgate parties.
The Pepsi and Coca-Cola
bottlers of America.
Coke adds life, it's the real thing.
Bombarded by missiles,
flying, flaming matchbook covers.
The waterheads from General Motors
in the top seats, getting the worst pollution.
All sorts of twisted motherfuckers there.
And who could this be?
What?
All right, put him through, but no more
after this. I'm serious, I mean it.
Marty. I just found out
about an incredible story, a bizarre plot.
Washington is trying influence the game. '
- Hunter, please.
- This could have far-reaching implications.
- Soviets could be involved.
- I'm sure you'll get to the bottom of it.
I don't know, this could take a few months,
I could run out of money fast.
Besides, I just got here...
- You just got there?
- Yeah, minutes ago.
You left on Tuesday. Today's Saturday.
You too? The same mix-up
happened to me.
I thought it was Tuesday... Saturday,
everybody was here.
Room service!
I'll check on it. Hold on.
What?
What?
Hold on, somebody's here.
Come on in. Where the hell have you been?
You'll be safe here.
I'm on the phone.
Marty?
- I'm still here.
- Yeah.
I may need some more money.
I'm entertaining in the room and it runs up.
OK, OK, enough.
Sit, sit, seor.
I got people from the consulate here.
What has that to do with the Super Bowl?
- What the hell was that noise?
- What noise?
Get the goddamn tap off the phone!
You think you're playing with children here?
Are you OK now? Good.
I OKed everything you asked for except
the stereo and the video recorder.
- How am I gonna see the game?
- Ever heard of a press box?
Shit, then you miss the slow-mos,
the instant replay, all that stuff.
I don't care about any replay.
Thompson, are you hearing me?
I want 10,000 words by deadline Sunday!
You don't want any bogus journalism.
Not after your picture was in Newsweek
playing horsey.
Go long. El zono finale.
I want 10,000 words, Thompson.
Head for the sunset! Deeper, deeper!
Do you hear me?
You all right?
Oh, good.
Direct pressure is best. I'll get a Band-Aid.
We're getting some noise complaints
up on 20.
- We'll check it out, sir.
- Do that.
Excuse me. You guys,
come here for a minute, will you?
- What's your name?
- Briggs.
- Danny.
- Blackie.
Tomorrow's Super Sunday,
I gotta get a super rest.
You look like you know what you're doing.
Get down the hallway...
...and muzzle that fruitcake.
- I'll take care of it.
- This is for you.
- You're gonna take care of it?
- Yeah.
Fuckin' A, you will. Right over there.
No more calls, God damn it!
I want some discipline on that front desk.
Does the name Vince Lombardi
mean anything in this town?
Hollywood scum. All right.
Rose!
Rose, you turned it over, sorry. It's our ball.
Angel, let's do it.
Your conversions are gonna tell a story.
Go down... behind the bar.
I'll look for you.
Right, she's in that Dallas flex.
Five-three! 58!
- 19 blue!
- Louder. Help him.
Hello?
Pork chop! Hut-hut!
Forced to scramble!
Touchdown!
Touchdown.
Hold it, come on.
I got a key here someplace.
- Just don't let him bullshit you.
- Hey.
Don't worry about a thing. I got it.
Watch the linebacker.
Pick him up! Dah!
- Shit.
- Briggs. Oh, Briggs?
Briggs?
Brownie? Yeah, it's Blackie.
Did the price change?
I didn't sleep a wink since I spoke to you.
Super Sunday. Dawn.
My recollections of the last 12 hours
are very dim.
All that I know for certain is that,
shortly after I checked in,
two Third World drug abusers
dressed as hotel employees
forced their way into my room, ransacked it,
drank all my liquor, did all my drugs,
stole my dinner.
If security isn't beefed up at this hotel,
I'm looking for safer accommodations.
It's a sad state of affairs when this reporter
has to go heavily armed to breakfast.
And what a breakfast it is.
Still alive, still kicking.
Could I have another round?
- Of cocktails?
- Everything. Cocktails, food.
Super Sunday, you gotta store up energy.
Could go into sudden death.
Yeah.
Enjoying myself? I'm in a fucking nuthouse.
Sir, you can't come in here looking like that.
I'm the President of the United States
and I can do anything I want.
Hi, guy.
Brownie, this you wouldn't believe.
All bets off, I'm coming home.
Hi. Sock it to me!
Fellow Americans. Ha-ha-ha.
- Come on, let's get out of here.
- There's one of them.
Oh, boy, Thompson,
you always knew this could happen.
- Well?
- You look good.
Sock it to me.
- Does he want a menu?
- Cottage cheese and ketchup?
No, thanks, we're in... sort of a rush.
Thank God for that.
Lazlo. What happened to you?
Hey, man, I brought you a present, man.
Go ahead, try it on.
Come on, hurry up. We gotta get moving.
- Moving?
- We got a lot of ground to cover.
- Let's get out of here.
- I can't get out of here.
- I can't go.
- Thompson, this is me. Lazlo.
I know. I saw you in the mask,
I said, "Hey, that's Lazlo. "
- I'm here in the flesh.
- I'm sure there's a reason for that too.
- I've got a deadline to meet.
- Deadline?
- I gotta do this story.
- What? You're not a fucking sportswriter.
- That hurts.
- I don't see you for three fucking years
and you have the nerve to sit there
and tell me you got a deadline.
Now come on before I get pissed off.
Get your souvenir pennants here.
Dallas, Miami, we got 'em here.
Nothing good can come from this.
- Relax.
- Relax?
You grabbed me
off an important assignment
to go on who knows what kind of freakout.
Excuse me.
There we go.
Get your programmes.
I got programmes.
Get your pennants here.
It's good weed.
I got caps,
I got Dallas Cowboy caps...
Say, do you fellas like football?
Say what?
I got a couple Super Bowl tickets here.
Let me see.
These look good. How much you want?
Who's talking sell? Let's talk trade.
- Trade?
- Yeah, say... that ticket for...
that bottle of wine.
That ticket... for that wine?
Good.
- Nice hat.
- That is a beauty.
- I like the hat
- The hat for the ticket?
- That's great.
- Seems fair.
Great.
Here. You'll need these.
- What are they?
- These'll get you into the press box.
- Press passes.
- Room keys.
Good thinking.
Here. Go on up,
have a drink before the game.
- This your room?
- Yeah, all paid for.
Thank you.
Have a nice Super Bowl Sunday.
You too.
Tickets, and passes, and a key?
- Some shit going down somewhere.
- Tough.
I tried to call you a few times.
Yeah, well, I moved out of town.
Yeah, consolidate your winnings, huh?
Yeah, be proud, man.
You're becoming a famous writer.
The famous Dr Gonzo.
I can't account for
how people deal with it, you know.
I've done OK. Shit...
You know what I really liked, though?
That column where you tried to find out
where I was.
You were missed, Lazlo, by a lot of people.
Not by me, of course, but...
I got a new approach now, a new plan.
I wish you luck in your new endeavour.
- Come on.
- I got it.
Come closer, man. Closer.
OK, there you go.
You know, I'm an endangered species.
Kind of like the buffalo.
Like, a lot of people thought I was dead,
but you don't write any postcards
when you're on the road to self-discovery.
I mean, the journey to enlightenment
is a long trip
and that's the way it is, you know?
You just keep going further and further
and deeper and deeper
into higher and higher realms
of consciousness.
- Am I right?
- Yes, sir, I think so.
You've been there too, huh?
- I think so, sir.
- Course he has. Look at his eyes.
- I just don't pick up anybody hitchhiking.
- Yeah, yeah.
I have been completely reborn.
I am a new man.
- Nyuh!
- I've been to outer regions.
And I've walked with the king. You dig it?
I have walked with the king!
I've stood on the mountain,
I saw all the earth, man!
- It's all over myself here.
- And he talked back.
He talked back.
He said, "It's all right, man. It's all right. "
We were all right.
Well, this is all good news. Very comforting.
This is empty.
I think I'd like to get out pretty soon.
Oh.
You don't wanna get out around here.
No, hey, we're your friends. Relax.
Lazlo...
you may have been wrong about him.
He may not... fit in.
How much do you think he knows?
Enough to put us in personal danger.
Boy. That kid was sick.
- Why did you pick him up?
- He needed help.
He was out of his mind. What is with you,
picking up weirdos? I knew right away.
He could've done serious damage.
- I like to help people.
- He had a wooden hand.
I thought he was just tense.
Mr Lewis?
I'm sorry, there's no answer, Mr Lewis.
That's impossible. Just keep ringing.
I'm certain he's up there.
Hello? Hello?
Hunter? Hunter what?
Ain't nobody doin' no huntin' up here, fool!
This is a party, not a safari!
...Cowboys were a better team.
Dallas, its second trip here.
Because of media hype, the news media,
in the weeks before the Super Bowl,
the distraction caused by the reporters,
it is felt that a team making its first trip
to Super Bowl,
as the Miami Dolphins are,
is much more distracted
than a team that's been through it before.
Hence one reason, repeat only one reason,
for the Dallas Cowboys' favouritism
here this afternoon.
Miami, of course,
moved toward this Super Bowl appearance
by winning one of the great
football games of...
Come on, let me show you around.
Is this the old Baby Face Nelson place?
You guys know American gangsters?
Homeboy to T1. Homeboy to T1.
You remember Billy?
He got paroled after three years.
He's joined our cause.
- Glad you could make it, man.
- I couldn't miss this,
when the old gang gets back for a hoot.
- I don't know how long I'm gonna stay.
- Don't worry, man.
As your ex-attorney,
I advise you not to worry.
Homeboy to T1. Homeboy to T1.
She's terrific. I met her in Vegas.
- Lazlo, it's Rojas, he's coming.
- Perfect.
- Right on schedule.
- Rojas?
Yeah, Rojas. Come on, everybody, let's go.
Lazlo!
Compaero.
Como ests? Esto es Lazlo.
Nos tiene los rifles, las pistolas,
las granadas, las bombas.
Todo lo que necesitamos!
Is this your new A party list?
Odd-looking group.
Then you always did have strange friends.
Associates. You are my friend.
Oh, that's good to know.
- Puedo?
- Whoa, whoa. Un momentito.
Para ti.
Mira lo que veo!
Mira que belleza!
Pero yo nunca haba visto
un ametralladora as!
Mira!
You gave this man a gun?
Perfecto. S.
No.
Es como una mujer!
Playful little puppy, isn't he?
Muy buenos rifle.
Muy fast.
Pendejo!
Quite a staff you got here.
Cara tan linda, coo, ven aca.
Un tequilita, un tequilita.
Lazlo, what kind of weirdness is that?
Look, man...
We need you to write about our movement.
There's an airplane coming in later.
- Airplane?
- These people are our brothers.
They got a struggle and I wanna help 'em.
- You should be part of it.
- These are your brothers?
This cheap imitation General Patton
out here?
I oughtta Mace the fucker for that cheap
trouncing he gave his buddy. Fuck you!
It's history, man.
Guns, dope, armed insurrection.
Peasant land seizure.
Dig it.
Ghost riders, anarchist prophets,
fire, blood...
revolution!
Oh, it's a grand, grand tale, Laz.
It's right up there with Gone With The Wind.
I'm all for dope and goats, nobody's bigger,
but, you know, crazed dope lawyer
turns gun-running revolutionary,
I'm pounding it up in my head
and I think you should take me back
to the hotel and I'll finish the story.
Don't give me this shit,
I'm counting on you.
You gotta write a story. I need your help.
Lazlo, look out there,
these guys are piranhas with guns.
They stop their own.
Hey, guns don't scare me, buddy.
I'm a weapons expert.
Oh, gee, I'm sorry.
Oh, no.
Oh, gee, what a mix-up. Sorry.
Oh, my God. Jeez.
Billy, you wanna turn on the game?
See if there's a score, Bill, yeah.
Half-time here at Super Bowl VI
with Dallas leading Miami only 10 to 3.
I say only because the seven-point margin
doesn't tell the dominance of the Cowboys
through the first 30 minutes. '
Dallas led by their brilliant quarterback,
by the brilliant running
of halfback Duane Thomas.
- Hi, Momma!
- Get him outta here!
I wanna say hi to Big Bertha...
- Sir, you'll have to leave.
- Do you see this fat fucker?
Hey, man, I'm glad you're here.
Who's your favourite group?
The Stones or the Beatles?
This is T1 to Homeboy. Over.
- This is Homeboy.
- I am six miles east at 900 feet.
Over there. Yeah, on that ridge.
We see you, you're dead ahead.
Billy, light the runway.
Truthfully now, have you done this before?
Many, many times.
OK, everybody, let's go.
Please! You can't leave your car here.
Give me your keys, I'll run it back.
Come on, come on.
It's your car, somebody's gonna steal it.
ndale, ndale!
Move it!
Move it, pronto!
Get it in there, get it in there.
Put it in there.
Partner.
Move it, come on! Move it!
Vamos, muchachos. Let's go.
Holy shit.
Come on!
- This guy a friend of yours?
- Grab the fuckin' box!
Can I carry something?
Yeah.
Hey... whoa!
Come on! Hunter!
- Come on, man!
- Fascisti swine!
Bastards! Playground strafers!
- This car is a classic!
- ndale!
Hey! Hey! Thompson!
Red alert! Red alert!
I don't think we'll be doing this again, Lazlo.
Gonzo! Gonzo! Gonzo!
Dr Thompson, where've you been?
We've been waiting for you.
- Come on. Are you OK?
- Quit whining.
- I... I was just...
- You've upset me already,
calling me first thing...
- Holy Jesus.
- No, we're going out there now.
I don't think so.
You've whipped them into a frenzy.
- Only a fool would go in there.
- They really want to see you.
They probably mean business.
This isn't right.
Come on. I think it's gonna be all right.
- You look just fine.
- I know I look great
- but I don't feel too confident.
- Stay right there.
- I'll be right back. Stay right there.
- Well...
Gonzo! Gonzo!
OK!
They got the real woodpeckers here today.
I know you've been waiting a long time
but he's here, so you'll get him.
OK, quiet down, everybody.
OK, great.
OK, as you all know, Dr Thompson
is working on the campaign.
He's on a very tight schedule, so keep
the questions brief and one at a time.
Ladies and gentlemen, Dr Thompson.
Me, me, me!
Let's start here.
- Dr Thompson...
- Any questions? What?
In your recent pieces about the candidate,
you're having difficulty
getting to see him. Why is that?
Well, I think we keep different hours.
Probably most of it, he calls me, I'm not in.
I return his call, he's out.
He calls back, gets my machine.
I call him back, he's under sedation.
It goes on.
Cos I thought it had
something to do with this article
where you called him a treacherous hack
and a vermin-filled ex-wart healer
who should be castrated so that his genes
aren't passed on to future generations.
Did I say that?
Well, I must have meant it if I said it. So...
I owe him an apology or nothing at all.
If you get to see him,
what are you gonna say?
Well...
I'm gonna tell him to wear brighter colours.
He...
Shut up. I'll talk.
Why do you think they gave me this?
Dr Thompson,
for those of us who are writers...
Yeah? Those of us? Shall we raise
our hands so we know who we are?
Could you tell me if you thought drugs
and alcohol would make me a better writer?
That's a good question.
Let me see.
In my case, I hate to advocate drugs
or liquor, violence, insanity, to anyone,
but in my case it's worked.
We have another question
right here.
Dr Thompson, er, are you gonna write
any more articles about Lazlo?
Lazlo, my attorney?
No.
- No, he's dead.
- How's that?
He hasn't been heard from for some time
and he's believed dead.
Well, it always seemed to me
that he really didn't exist,
that he was a figment of your writing.
You couldn't invent someone like
Karl Lazlo. He was one of a kind, a mutant.
A real heavyweight water buffalo type.
Who could chew his way through
a concrete wall
and spit out the other side
covered with lime and chalk
and look good in doing it.
He he was one of a kind, and...
- Hey, Dooley! When do I get the interview?
- I'll take care of you.
You've been saying that for days, Dooley.
I would appreciate it because I have to file.
The candidate is very interested in you,
he reads your clippings every day,
I make sure he sees them.
- Dooley...
- Yeah?
Excuse me.
Thank you. Oh, hi.
Oh, excuse me.
Excuse me.
- Somebody sitting there?
- No.
Oh, jeez, I'm sorry.
They never search me. Honest face.
Fortunate it's me and not some maniac.
You could raise some real hell with this.
Torture a stewardess, hold the pilot at bay,
slash all the wiring.
- Want some?
- No, thanks.
Lot of C in there, vitamin C.
Well, I get very greedy with my supplies
once we're airborne.
Back on board the campaign special.
Just made the plane after a flock
of poisoned ravens dive-bombed my car.
The candidate is probably under sedation
in his compartment.
Last night he was at the hotel pool
doing stunt dives for two cocktail waiters
who were skinny-dipping in the pool.
Screamed, "Watch my cannonball,"
went high into the air,
landed right on his testicles.
Be tough to watch his speech today knowing
his balls are the colours of the rainbow.
OK, Thompson, up.
Special session with the candidate, I guess.
Watch my stuff and I'll share my notes.
Bring your stuff, you're off the plane.
You can't throw me off.
I have the proper credentials.
I decide who goes on what plane.
From now on, you're on the zoo plane
with the technicians.
Dooley, let him stay. He's got
as much right to be here as any of us.
Don't push your luck, Lisogor.
This is a cruel and bitter defeat,
and one that I probably won't forget.
I'm not gonna worry about it.
Would you like a beer?
In the event of sudden loss of cabin
pressure, oxygen masks will be released.
- Hi.
- Wouldn't let you up there?
A minor setback, that's all.
Thank you, you're very sweet.
- You're Harris from the Post, aren't you?
- Right.
That was nice stuff on the Florida primary.
You were the only one who had
the blue collar vote on the button.
- Incomplete.
- Is it always like this here?
It's usually worse. Everyone's getting up.
Thank God I'm only on for one stop. I don't
know how my backup man can stand it.
It gets real ugly late in the day
when they start cooking.
Jesus, why do they have to make
so much noise?
Hey, how about shutting up?
A little charity, huh?
Hey, you don't look too good.
- My head feels like it's caving in.
- I had the same thing this morning.
You got some aspirin there?
These are prescription
but they'll take care of your headache.
They won't put me to sleep?
Oh, no.
They'll relax you, though, quite a bit.
Jesus, who's flying this thing?
Oh, one of the gang.
One of these people?
Several of us are qualified
but this guy hasn't had much experience.
Listen, I think I'd like one of those,
if that's OK.
Don't tell anybody where you got 'em.
- I'll take two.
- Good, that's what I took.
- Here.
- Ah, thanks.
I never had any complaints
about the blue ones.
Listen to what Thompson's written.
"The candidate,
and his crew of shameless enforcers,
"brought their weird act to Wisconsin,
"passing out free hits of black acid
to anyone who could stick out his tongue. "
- Acid?
- "A truly remarkable way
"of getting votes. "
Make way! Make way!
Harris from the Post!
Is coming through!
Where is he?
Where is my friend Thompson?
Thompson?
Thompson! Thompson!
It's Harris from the Post!
Who's this?
Harris from the Post!
It's my turn to fly!
- Oh, jeez.
- Does he have a licence?
He's not instrument rated though.
I don't think he should.
I feel... wonferdul.
You're looking good. OK.
All right, let's go have a cocktail.
All right. Yeah, I told her about you.
We got an emergency here!
Swine, open the door!
I'll be out in a second.
All right, let me have your attention, please.
Keep moving, just listen to me.
The candidate will be speaking at the Loving
Care senior citizens centre at 12:45.
We will reassemble here at 2:30,
takeoff's at three o'clock. Don't get lost.
Once again, the candidate...
...will be speaking at the Loving... Care
senior citi... zens centre...
Excuse me, have you seen Mr Harris
from the Post?
Mr Harris, what happened?
What's all this?
Harris from the Post.
How you doing, boys? Good to see you.
Hiya, sir. Harris from the Post.
Good to see you again.
Can I get anything for you, sir?
How's the family, Harris?
The family? Oh, that's bad news.
The screwheads finally came
and took my daughter away.
Let me ask you a question, sir.
What is this country doing for the doomed?
There are two kinds of people
in this country.
The doomed...
and the screwheads,
savage tribal thugs who live off
illegal incomes, burrowed deep out there.
No respect for human dignity.
They don't know what you and I understand.
You ever play football, Harris?
Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir. I played in college.
They're gonna get your daughter too.
I've heard their rallies.
They like Julie, but Tricia...
And they really hate you, sir.
You know that one half
of the state senate...
of Utah... are screwheads?
You know, I was never really
frightened by the...
bop-heads.
And the potheads with their silliness
never frightened me either.
But these goddamn screwheads...
they terrify me.
And the poor doomed,
the young and the silly and the honest,
and weak,
and Italians,
they're doomed.
They're lost, they're helpless,
they're somebody else's meal.
They're like pigs in the wilderness.
Come here, Harris.
Come here.
Fuck the doomed.
Move it along, no need to run.
- Just get on the plane.
- Wait for me.
This is it, right up here. Take your
seats, we take off in a few moments.
Hey, Dooley...
You wanna pick that up, take it with you?
Pick that up, take it with you!
Would you like a cocktail?
Do you happen to have
two aspirin?
Holy shit.
Not here.
- Is this seat taken?
- No, sit down.
- Is something wrong?
- Yeah.
No, nothing is wrong.
I just thought maybe I'd forgotten
my medicine.
Here it is. Everything's in order now.
Say... if anyone asks...
this seat right here is taken.
It's highly unlikely but I may have to flop
around in case I have one of my seizures.
Seizures?
Excuse me.
Oh, I'm sorry, this seat is taken.
- No, it isn't.
- But this man is...
He's capable of seizures.
That's better.
No, no, just relax.
Good.
This is terrific.
No question,
you got something going here, Hunter.
Harris. My name is Harris.
Ooh, Harris, right, I got it.
Undercover, right?
- Maybe I should sit somewhere else.
- No, no, no, you're fine.
But... I don't wanna sit here.
Trust me.
OK?
So, man...
you surprised to see me?
You bet.
You have no idea how much trouble
I had tracking you down,
- all the zipping around you do.
- I got a nutty, nutty schedule, Laz.
Yeah, well, anyway...
we got some business to do.
- We have business?
- Oh, yeah. Big business.
Now... Jesus, I got so much stuff here,
I don't know where to start.
This is it.
Land. Our land.
Acres and acres of it, man.
Square miles of land.
- Well?
- Sounds good.
I'm gonna be in San Francisco Tuesday.
We should get together.
Hey, man, that's no good.
We gotta move on this now.
Look at this.
- These guys you can trust, I trained 'em.
- Honest... honest faces, all of 'em.
Here. Look at this. Look at the body.
She's down there waiting for you.
I picked her out myself.
Hey.
This is Harris of the Post,
experiencing extreme turbulence,
and we're still on the ground.
Holy Jesus.
The forecast is for bad greasiness.
Don't you understand, man?
This'll be like having our own country,
the two of us.
It'll be like paradise, man,
like a fucking paradise!
You wise-ass son of a bitch. You're off
this campaign. Give me your credentials.
- Hold on.
- Give them to me right now.
Hey, calm down.
Calm down? Who are you? Who is he?
Who is this fat clown?
- Fat clown?
- Oh...
Yeah, fat clown.
Do I have to repeat myself all the time?
You psychotic, you've done it to me again.
It's for your own good.
You don't belong here.
Oh, look out.
It's just a drill, just a drill. Stay down.
- Dooley, are you all right?
- Thank you.
Dooley, heads up.
Stay back!
How do you stop this thing?
It's stuck. What the hell?
Agh! It wasn't, you swine!
You know it wasn't stuck.
Oh, my God.
Back there, whoo!
Oh, that was great, man.
Just like the old times.
- Jesus.
- Don't worry, we'll write a new story.
You are a menace to yourself
and those around you.
You can't stay on that plane, you'll dry up.
You're a creative man, a writer.
It did take a while to rile them up.
They're not your people.
I'm your people, man.
We're right on schedule. Truck's over here.
- I'm not coming.
- You're not coming?
I can't, you're insane, you're a maniac.
You're fortunate I haven't turned you in.
Hey, man, what are you talking about?
- I got this organised. Look at it.
- There's nothing there. It's rocks and dirt.
- That's the idea. We'll build.
- Build what?
You already live in the land of the weird.
Fuck, man, you're a writer.
Use your imagination.
- All right. Oh, there's buildings there.
- We'll build a goddamn paradise!
Our own place, you and me.
We got land, we got dope, we got women.
What kind of women would go there?
- That's not it, man.
- I'm not coming.
You gotta be my partner,
like it's always been, man.
Fifty-fifty.
Yeah, but I'm not coming.
It's blowing away!
Hey, come on, help me.
Hunter, come on.
You're my friend. Help me. It's gonna be
great, man. It's gonna be paradise.
Hot damn.
So much for the facts.
Bronco, listen to this, tell me what you think.
"Well, I guess if I had to swear
one way or another,
"I'd say Lazlo wasn't insane.
"He just had very strange rhythms.
"But he stomped on the terror.
"Lord Buckley said that.
"It's hard to say he got what he deserved...
"because he never really got anything. "
"At least, not in this story,
"and right now this story is all we have. "
Come on, Bronco, we're celebrating.
Come on, the story is finished, man,
don't get weird on me now.
To better days, huh?
A close second, Bronco.
"It's sad.
"But what's really sad is...
"it never got weird enough for me.
"I moved to the country
when the boat got too crowded.
"Then I learned that President Nixon
"had been eaten by white cannibals
on an island near Tijuana
"for no good reason at all.
"Golly, you hear a lot of savage and
unnatural things about people these days.
"And Lazlo and Nixon are both gone now.
"But I don't think I'm going to believe that
"until I can gnaw on both of their skulls
with my very own teeth. "
Fuck those people, huh?
"If they're out there, I'm going to find them
"and I'm going to gnaw on their skulls...
"because it still hasn't gotten
weird enough for me. "