Where There's Life (1947) Movie Script
Citizens!
Citizens of barovia.
His royal majesty,
our gracious king.
My countrymen,
I bring you great
and important news.
Your interim government
has designated November 15th
as a date for barovia's first
Democratic constitutional
election since the war.
Our nation has made
this amazing recovery
solely through
the unselfish efforts
of our own, our fearless, our
beloved general grimovitch.
Our final task
has been completed.
The black hooded secret
society which calls itself the mordia
has been destroyed.
No more will these
thieves menace our...
The mordia.
Why was the king allowed to speak
five minutes before the scheduled time?
It wasn't my
responsibility, general.
The crowd was growing restless.
Put minister karakovic
under house arrest.
General, as prime
minister, I protest.
It was an obvious device to keep me away
from the king's side during the speech.
Grubitch! Yes, your excellency.
As the minister of war,
you will issue a proclamation
ordering civilian arms to be turned
in at once. Certainly, your excellency.
Zavitch! General!
You will inform the people that
the king is only slightly wounded
and will soon recover.
Yes, your excellency.
Doctor.
How soon will he die?
He's already unconscious.
In my opinion, excellency
cannot live more than a few days.
Seventy-two hours at the utmost.
You'll issue optimistic
bulletins, Dr. Josefsberg,
indicating that the king
is making rapid recovery.
But, general... his true
condition must remain a secret.
What secret? When the
king's dead, he's dead.
Such secrets don't keep.
Hubertus is the last one
of the vanicheks.
We must pretend he's alive
at least until after the election.
Deceiving the people. A
dangerous procedure. Perhaps.
But once the unifying
influence of the throne is gone,
the mordia will seize power.
Trina.
Your majesty. Trina.
I overheard your
conversation. You are mistaken.
I am not the last
of the vanicheks.
Your majesty, you must
not waste your strength.
My head is clear.
I know what I am saying.
In 1915, when I visited
the United States,
I married.
Yes.
Dr. Josefsberg, who was
my companion at the time,
will verify this.
It's true. She was a
secretary in our embassy.
There was a child, a boy.
He's now living in New York
under the name of Michael Valentine.
Naturally, the marriage
had to be dissolved.
He must be brought here at once.
Have grubitch prepare a plane.
We leave for america
immediately.
How do you do,
ladies and gentlemen?
This is Michael
New York City Valentine,
telling you to feed
your pup sparko dog food,
and every hound on the block
will let your doberman pinch her.
Yes, sir, that was
our make-believe audience
enjoying a make-believe joke.
What a life.
You're listening
to the ionesomest man in town.
Look at me.
A hermit with a sponsor.
Nobody ever comes here.
Nothing ever happens.
And if I believe my sponsor,
nobody ever listens.
When you hear the tone, it'll be exactly
one minute and 15 seconds after midnight,
sparko dog food time.
Don't forget to write in for
your free sample of sparko.
Remember. When your dog
eats sparko, he always says...
"Hot dog. Just think, mom,
I've been eating."
"Sparko dog food for six
months. Now my tail wags me."
Hello, Joe.
I mean, hiya, Joe. Hi, Mike.
Here's Joe snyder, folks. My
co-announcerjust came in. Hi.
Yes, sir. He's taking over the
program while I'm on my honeymoon.
You know, I'm getting married
tomorrow to Hazel o'brien, the lucky girl.
Are you listening, Hazel?
Does she stay up
to listen to you?
All the time, Joe. You see
her brother, Victor, is a cop.
In fact, all the o'briens
are cops,
and when they come off their
beat at 11:00, they turn the radio on.
Oh, brother.
A whole family
full of cops, huh?
Yep, four uncles
and six cousins.
When all those uniforms get together,
it looks like west point with flat feet.
Hazel! Hazel!
What? Come over here.
What are you yelling
for now, Victor?
Don't you realize I gotta get my
dress ready for the wedding tomorrow?
Did you hear what
shovel-nose just called us?
West point with flat feet.
Oh, is that all, Victor?
For heaven's sake.
"Is that all?" I've been telling you
for eight years not to marry that lug.
A good New York cop
ain't good enough for you.
Lookie, I'll marry a New York cop when
he makes as much as Mike Valentine does.
Money ain't everything.
No, but it'll buy everything.
What kind of a man turns your wedding into
a publicity stunt to advertize dog food?
Sparko dog food is giving us $100
and a free boat trip for our honeymoon.
Sparko dog food.
Comes in biscuit or in pellet.
Hear your dogs bark
when they smell it.
It goes on like that
'til 4:00 every morning.
What kind of husband
is he gonna make?
Sleeps all day
and barks all night.
I tell you, it's subnormal.
Well, it'll be different after
the wedding. Wedding?
How do you know he's gonna show
up? Just what do you mean by that?
It took him eight years to
propose, and then you had to do it.
I don't think he wants
to get married at all.
He's nothing but a... a wolf!
What man isn't?
I can see exactly
what's gonna happen.
We're all down at the dock ready for
the wedding, but where's Valentine?
He's beat it with some redhead.
We're standin' around
like a bunch of dumb clucks.
And you, you poor kid, crying
your poor little eyes out.
He can't do that to my sister!
A request for that old favorite,
I don't want to get married,
I'm having too much fun.
You're under arrest!
Oh. Oh. That guy gives
me a terrible headache.
Joe. Joe, get me an aspirin.
Here, put it on a slice
of bread. I'm hungry too.
He's getting ready to
leave. It's about time.
Here's a picture of me
and the gal I'm gonna marry
in our bathing suits.
Get a load of that.
Gee, what a cute halter. Yeah, and
how do you like the one she's wearing?
She's the one on this side.
Isn't that pretty?
So, you're going to get married,
huh, kid? I'm ready and waiting.
Well, here, have a cigar.
That's quite a plantation. Oh, it's
nothing. Take another one for later.
Oh, thanks. Well, it's quite a
thing you have there, you know?
Mmm-hmm.
It's a retread, huh?
Are you really gonna
go for that publicity stunt
of holding the marriage
right down on the dock?
Yes, sir. I take the plunge
tomorrow morning.
If I live that long.
How corny can you
get with these jokes?
Wait 'til you see what I've
got cooked up for you later.
What, a little atomic bomb
to blow up the whole building?
Silly, boy. Plant that. So you're
really gonna marry that dame?
Yes, sir, we've been going
together for eight years.
Eight years? Yeah, we've
been looking for an apartment.
I never thought you'd do it. Listen Joe,
think of all the advantages a married man has.
Now first of all...
No, he can't do that.
Well, secondly he can...
No, he can't do that either.
Well, thirdly...
Besides, it's too late
to back out now.
And besides, Victor
will slug me, besides.
I'll see you, laughing boy.
Oh, hi. Studio a is
right down that way.
That's the only studio we
have. It's right... right there.
You fellas fans of mine?
You care for an autograph?
They're free.
Just thought I'd ask.
Some fellas wear
'em down like that.
Chew?
I'm not used
to the other stuff yet.
Elevator's a little late.
It's stuck.
Button's gone. See...
There it is.
It's a... you care to
push the button? You?
You care for a push? Just...
Sprechen sie deutsch?
Cap/sci d'italiano?
Parlez-vous francais?
Habla espanol?
Hubba, hubba.
Speak American?
You are Michael Valentine?
Yeah, I'm Michael Valentine.
Michael Joseph Valentine?
M.j. That's me. Unfortunately, we
seem to have found the right man.
Yeah, well, fortunately
my elevator's here.
So long, I hope.
I'm going down. Which
way are you fellas going?
Oh, you're going down too, huh?
Well, leave your names
at the desk,
and I'll see that you're sent
your free samples of sparko.
Would you rather eat it here?
Perhaps we should introduce ourselves?
Well, you do look familiar. I
just can't place the graveyard.
I am minister zavitch.
I am minister grubitch.
I'm sorry, kids. I've already
got a minister for the wedding...
And I am premier krivoc.
Hiya, preem.
I wish I could make you understand
quickly that your life is in great danger.
Oh, it's not as bad as that.
Guys have gotten married before.
Please. You don't realize
death is staring you in the face.
Look the other way. Pardon me.
Well, so long. Why don't you
boys go down to the basement?
Tonight's the night they're
putting new cheese in the traps.
Hey, what... you will be kind enough
to come with us, your highness.
Your highness? Oh, yeah, this is
the gag Joe snyder was talking about.
It's pretty stale. We have
no time to lose, please.
You get into the car.
Please, I will not. I've gone
along with this gag long enough.
Goodbye.
Oh, hello!
Oh, who you kiddin'? There's
no real bullets in that gat.
Joe snyder wouldn't go
that far. Or would he?
Please get in. Apparently
you're confused, your majesty.
You don't realize who you are.
This is the craziest story
I ever heard of. "Barovia."
Who ever heard of a
country named barovia?
Everyone except you,
apparently, sir.
Yeah, and me a king!
Have to be somewhere
I never heard of in 72 hours
or the whole joint'll blow up.
What've you guys been smoking?
We must be there in 48 hours.
My old man plugged on a balcony.
If it was a runway
at minsky's I'd believe it.
Please, your highness, general
grimovitch will explain everything.
Yeah, where's this general
who wants to see me?
He's probably some two-bit
actor Joe snyder hired.
Where is he? Let's
get this joke over with.
General grimovitch will
be here shortly, I'm sure.
I'll beat out his brains
with his good conduct ribbon.
Keeping me up until 1:00 am.
The day before my honeymoon.
Michael Joseph Valentine? Yeah, where is
this general? I'll tear him limb from limb.
I am general grimovitch.
Yeah, well, I wanna tell you...
And your majesty may do
with me as you wish.
Would you mind repeating that
offer? I am general grimovitch.
You didn't say...
Where do you go to get drafted?
Your majesty, please, we
must hurry. Yes. Let's be away!
Say, this is the part
of the gag I like, dames.
Where did Joe snyder
pick you up?
He must be patronizing
a better class of cafeterias.
I know it must be difficult
for you to believe all the facts
you've been told,
but you must believe them.
Place yourself entirely in my hands
and trust me. Yeah, but can I trust myself?
This is no time to joke,
your majesty.
Your father's dying, and the entire
future of barovia is in your hands.
I hate to interrupt, but
your straitjacket is showing.
You must return to your
country within 48 hours
and assume the throne,
otherwise...
Now wait, who do you think
you're fooling around with?
A three-year-old?
Look, if I were king,
bands would be playing,
my pictures would
be in the papers...
Your majesty, our entire mission
is being conducted in secrecy.
If it would receive the slightest
publicity, the news might reach barovia.
No good, huh? Certainly not. They
would find out their king is dying.
And during the confusion
of the people,
the mordia would
overturn our government.
The mordia? What's that? A secret
organization trying to regain power.
Bad men, huh? I don't know why I'm
following you except that you're a woman.
Come to think of it, I can't
think of a better reason.
We're ready, general.
Good. We take off at once.
Yeah, well, have a nice trip and don't
forget to write. Your majesty, please get in.
Oh, now, wait a minute, fellas.
This is the end of the line.
You've had your laughs.
But I gotta show up for a
wedding tomorrow. Wait a minute!
I'm booked for a honeymoon. Come
on, I won't take off. I'll drag my foot!
You can't do this...
Hold the plane! Stop it!
I can't go up in a plane.
Please, fellas,
my fountain pen leaks.
Tell the pilot we're ready
to take off. Take off?
This is on the level. I'm being
kidnapped. You'll be sent up for this.
Oh! Ooh! Too tight! Oh!
At last we are on our way. And
this time, the mordia is not the Victor.
Victor! Hazel! The
o'briens. They'll kill me.
I got to get married. What
did I get into? Stop the plane!
- You got the wrong boy.
- I'll break the window.
Thanks. Oh! They're shooting
at me. I gotta get out of here.
Your highness. Open the
door. Open up out there.
You cowards, open up! Stop
it! Force will get you nothing.
Hello? Consul stertorius speaking.
Oh, yes, general grimovitch.
What? Your plane crashed?
Oh, how terrible!
Was anyone hurt?
That was fortunate.
Park villa hotel.
Yes, your excellency, I'll have my
secretary send any cables to you there.
No, you didn't disturb me.
I was working late.
I'm glad that I can
be of service.
Good night, your excellency.
Come in.
Well? The general's plane
ran into a little difficulty.
Yes, Miller, I know.
She just called.
I took a shot at our friend
Mr. Valentine, but unfortunately, I missed.
Too bad. But you did
what you set out to do.
From what general grimovitch said, it
will take some time to repair the plane.
I managed to see our leader
before the take-off. He gave me this.
He wasn't injured in the crash?
Not at all.
The only one hurt was...
Mr. Valentine.
Gentlemen of the mordia, as we
planned, the return of general grimovitch's
so-called "trade mission" has
unfortunately been delayed.
How long do you think it will
take to have the plane repaired?
At least 12 hours.
Then we have exactly
that much time to dispose
of Mr. Michael Joseph
vanichek Valentine,
and incidentally, our old
friend general trina grimovitch.
Peter, distribute the hoods.
Yes, consul.
You'll draw straws for the honor of
destroying the last of the vanicheks.
Paul, we are
all intelligent men.
Can't we dispense with this
childish ritual of the hoods?
A ritual that has lasted
for 300 years is not childish.
The mordia has always
done it this way in barovia,
and we will do it this way here.
Hazel, baby.
Why didn't you wake me sooner?
Hazel, what's happened to you?
Hey!
Where am I?
Oh! Did anybody get
the license number?
You must be careful, your majesty.
You suffered a heavy blow on the head.
Oh, now I remember!
Hey, you guys'll get 90 years
for this, shoving me into a plane,
and kidnapping me off to barovia,
as if there was such a place.
We are still in new
York. The park villa hotel.
What time is it? 11:00.
11:00! I got to get
married at 10:30!
I'm on my honeymoon!
What am I doing here?
They're waiting for me
down at the dock.
You must save your strength. I got to get
down there. She can't get married without me.
It pains me to have to
threaten you, your majesty.
Okay, okay, I'm king. I'm
king. You've convinced me.
After all, why shouldn't
I wanna be king?
I was just playing
hard to get, that's all.
I can see myself up on that
throne with my ladies-in-waiting.
I won't keep them waiting long.
And I'll be wearing
a crown, king size.
I'll have a bed with diamond
bed bugs. I'll be knighting guys.
In fact, you three kids'll be
the first on the knight shift.
Pardon me. Pardon me. I'm...
Make way for the king! Oh!
I'm glad to see that your majesty has
recovered. Lucky for you, you're a woman.
Lucky for me too. You have no
idea what we've been through.
His highness is impossible.
But now we can leave.
The plane won't be ready until
2:00. Oh, well, we have time then.
Help! Get me the FBI hello,
listen, I've been kidnapped
by three mad characters and a
dame. Yeah, get me the manager.
Get me the mayor. Get me
the police. Get me dick Tracy.
Get me a telephone. I've
been cutoff. It's a walkie-talkie.
Hello... testing...
I... I, oh...
Oh, it's you. File that.
There must be no more attempts
to escape. Remove your clothes.
Okay, you... what did she say?
Remove your clothes.
That's what I thought she said.
Would you prefer that I take
them off? Oh, great, I'll watch you.
Oh, I thought... oh, I've never
had this kind of trouble before.
What is this?
An old barovian custom, huh?
They'll never believe this.
Grubitch, krivoc, you finish.
Now, they'll believe it. Okay,
come on, I'm not a child. I can do it.
What happened to Mike?
Oh, I don't know.
Well, come on, make
like a bride. Smile. That's it.
Here comes your brother.
Put down those clubs. Stop
the music. What happened?
There ain't gonna be any
wedding. Now, what's the idea.
What happened to Michael?
Did you call his apartment?
Yes, and just as I thought, he didn't
even sleep in his own bed last night.
Victor, are you sure? If he'd slept
there, his landlady would have known.
When that anteater
buries his nose in a pillow,
it leaves an impression
in the mattress.
Oh, how can he do a
thing like this to me?
Hazel!
Listen, Hazel, you know you can
trust me. I've always helped you out.
When we were little kids in school
together, who helped you with your homework?
I did. And when you got left behind,
who stayed behind with you? I did.
Please, why don't you go find
Michael. I want to know one thing.
When you and Michael went out
on dates, did he ever hold your hand?
Oh, Victor, why do you ask
these foolish questions?
Did he ever kiss you?
Naturally. What do you think?
And then what happened?
He took me home.
Listen, what I want to
know is, what happened
between the time he kissed you
and the time he took you home?
Was there any necking going on?
I don't know what you're
talking about, Victor.
When I went out with Michael, it was no
different than when you go out with a girl.
I'll kill him!
Smoochin' with my sister!
Joe, Jimmy, uncle Phillip.
What's up? What did ya find out?
Plenty. I want you to call
every policeman on the force.
Give them Mike Valentine's
description and tell 'em
to pick him up on sight
and pull him in.
On what charge? On what charge?
Uncle Phillip,
you're a police court judge.
You know as well as I do there's
2,500 ordinances in the city of New York.
Nobody can breathe for more than five
seconds without violating one of them.
And Mike Valentine
has breathed long enough.
Well, listen, Victor, maybe
something happened to him.
Maybe I put a little too much
gunpowder in that second cigar I gave him.
No such luck.
Search every bar, dive and
sewer in the city until you find him.
And if he ain't mussed up when you bring
him in, take him out and bring him in again.
Well, what are you waitin' for?
What did you say the
name of this game was? Gin.
That is exactly what I have.
Yeah...
Yes, sir, that's
40 more points for me.
Oh. That's another
game. You'll never learn.
You have to be born
with this stuff.
Pardon me yawning, your majesty,
but I've not slept since
we left barovia two days ago.
Oh, sleepy, huh? Yes.
Fella like you ought to get
about eight hours a night.
You're a growing boy, you know?
Nothing I should like better,
but I find myself
unable to sleep and watch you
at the same time.
Rock-a-bye, baby on the tree top.
Please, your majesty.
When the wind blows
the cradle will rock.
Please stop rocking me,
your highness.
When the bough breaks
the cradle will fall.
Please, your majesty,
I'm falling asleep.
Your majesty, this will
gain you nothing. Sneak!
It's time we left for the
airport. I'll get you your clothes.
I need another blanket.
The cane, quick.
Don't shoot. She will hear.
Oh, I was just
airing out the blankets.
I'll take them.
Aha! Now, I got you!
I got you right where
I want you, huh?
A little too fast
for you, wasn't I?
Yes, sir. Thought you were
toying with an idiot, huh?
Mmm. Brrr. How do you like that?
You won't talk, huh?
I saw you. I saw you.
One more false move,
and I'll let you have it.
I'm just playing with you.
Cat and mouse.
Let me tell you something else.
You didn't fool me for a minute.
Trying to make me think
I was a king, huh?
And there were guys
with hoods and daggers
trying to assassinate guys, huh?
The mordia! Well, get
this through your thick skull.
This is New York City,
United States of America,
and things like that don't
happen here. You understand?
Hey, you... hey, oh...
That's what I say, things
like that happen here.
Hello, hello.
Oh, that's dead too!
Oh... the key.
Don't get up, I'll get it.
Oh, the gun. Here. Tell 'em
you did it. I've got enough trouble.
I'll check with you. Oh!
Help! Help! Police!
I gotta make a call.
Help! Help! I gotta make a call!
Help!
Help! Oh, pardon me.
Hey, I... help!
Help! Help!
Help! Oh, gee, I'm sorry, but you
don't know what I've been through.
I gotta get to a phone. There's
been a murder. A murder?
Yes, there's a man... come in,
please. You must use the phone.
Oh, well, thank you very
much. You'll never regret this.
Operator, get me some service.
This is king Michael of barovia.
Yeah, I want to report a knife
with a body sticking through it.
Hello, hello. What's the matter
with the phones in this hotel?
Don't the people pay
the bills? I cut the wires.
Are you crazy or something?
You can't get any service that way.
Leave your hands off this.
Hello, hello...
Oh. Oh, now I get it.
You're the guys that did it.
Yeah, through that window. You killed
grubitch, and it was supposed to be me.
Help! Help! There is no
place to run, your majesty.
Oh! Help! Help! He
wants to slit my slot. Help!
Oh! Oh! Wait a minute.
I don't want to be
a king, honest. I just...
Stand still. Please, may
I make one last request?
Yes. Put away that knife.
Why, you... oh, I'm sorry,
gentlemen. I thought you were out.
Oh, do something. Yell. They're
trying to kill me. He's drunk.
Let go of me, you wolf, or I'll
scream. Go ahead, scream.
Myrtle, what's the matter?
This wolf's makin' passes.
I just want to get out
of here, that's all.
Don't you lay a hand
on her, you wolves!
Be careful.
What's the idea?
Thanks for screaming.
You must come over
and pinch me sometime.
Oh. Ugh!
Oh, boy, am I glad
to see you? Oh!
Hey, what is this? What
do you think you're doing?
Quick. Two guys
are trying to kill me.
There's a body in my room.
You're Mike Valentine, ain't you?
Yeah. Come on,
let's run after them.
You ain't runnin' no place. Naw, we're
runnin' you right down to the police station.
Brother, you're in trouble.
Victor o'brien's waiting for ya.
Oh, no, he'll knock
my teeth out!
I can live on liquids.
Let's go see Victor.
So I finished the broadcast
and I went out in the hall.
And there were three
beaver lips waiting for me.
I thought it was a gag, so I went
out and I beat the general's brains out.
And then they told me
I was a king.
And then the plane crashed,
the elevator came down...
Michael. Michael. I can't
understand what you're saying.
Speak slower. Why did
you run out on our wedding?
All right. It was this way.
Krumic and zubich and gravitch
took me to grimovitch at the airport.
Grimovitch talked to me while grubitch
and zavitch and krivoc went away.
Then krivoc came back without
grubitch and zavitch
and grimovitch
shoved me on the plane.
Then krivoc, grubitch and zavitch
held me down, held me down,
and the window was there,
woo-woo...
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Slow
down, slow down. Pull over to the curb.
I mean, take it easy, take it easy.
Krivoc and grubitch and grimovitch.
Now he's draggin' in the
whole notre dame football team.
No. No, no. I was in the
hallway, and the maid was there.
And it was fourth down, and
myrtle was making passes...
Michael! Slowly, very slowly.
Oh, okay. I'm all right now.
I'll take it slow.
This guy was murdered.
And I started out
of the room for help,
and nobody would let me use
their telephone until I met two guys.
They told me I could go to their room,
but when I did, one of them pulled a knife.
Then I went for the
telephone, and as I did,
he took the knife, and cut the
wires like this. Cut 'em like that.
Then ijumped on the bed
and he... oh, oh, I'm sorry.
I guess I was carried
away. I'm sorry.
Roger, Roger.
I'm sorry, sergeant. I won't let... I
was excited, but I'm all right now.
I promise I won't get...
Oh! Oh!
There they are. Those two guys
with the knives. They're after me.
At the window. Look, look.
If that's a face, it's
got a blank expression.
Send him to bellevue.
Get him outta here!
Oh, no! No. You've got to
believe me. They were there.
If you take me to the park
villa hotel, I'll show you the body
with the knife sticking through it, and
then you'll know my whole story is true.
Why don't we do that? He
couldn't make this whole thing up.
There must be something to it.
Well, what do you think, sarge?
What I think, I couldn't
say in front of your sister.
But if you want to drag this nut all the
way up to the park villa, it's okay with me.
Okay.
Here, we'll go to the hotel,
but that body better be there.
Oh, thanks, Victor. I'll
never forget you for this.
I'll make you famous.
I'll have my sponsor put out
a special food for police dogs,
and your face
will be on every can.
Aw, that's nice. Sarge, he's...
You'll see the body in a minute.
I don't believe it, but
being a Minion of the law,
I'm willin' to keep
a closed mind.
Well, it'll be there. You
better not look. Is it terrible?
Oh, it's awful. There's a knife sticking
in him like he was a loaf of pumpernickel.
There it is.
What is it, gentlemen?
What do you know,
a talking pumpernickel.
Oh, Michael. Are you sure
you have the right room?
Oh, sure. Hey, get up.
You're sitting on my body!
What is the meaning of this?
Come on, what did you do with it?
Where's the body? Who is this lunatic?
Lunatic? You're my preem
primister. I mean, my prime minister.
Don't you remember? We were
gonna fly together. Remember?
Tell him who I am. I'd be
happy to. Who are you?
You're the guy
who told me who I was.
I'm king Michael Joseph, that's
who. I'll have you beheaded.
Come on, get off the body.
You're gettin' it all wrinkled.
Michael, what's wrong with you?
He's a swallow headin'
back to capistrano.
Come on, let's fly
to bellevue. No! No!
There's zavitch.
Tell them what happened to
grubitch. Grubitch? Who is grubitch?
You... "Who's grubitch?" He says.
The knife with the body sticking on it.
I don't know what this man is babbling
about. You're not alone, brother.
Yeah, well, there's a body here
somewhere, and I'm gonna find it.
All right, produce
the corpus delicti.
One thing at a time.
Let's find the body first.
Officer, uh, could it
be over there?
Oh! Oh, boy!
Where have you been hiding?
I've been looking for you. I'll be
right back. Stand by. Don't go away.
General, it's you. Your majesty.
Say that again. Your majesty.
Say it again. Tell me one
thing. Am I a king or ain't I?
You are a king. Is there a
body in that room or ain't there?
There is a body in there. Let's
tell the cops. They think I'm nuts.
No, no, no. Not until we
are safely out of the country.
We must have no publicity. Until the
proper time, no one must know the truth.
Yeah, that's right. No
one but Victor. Victor?
Yeah, I got to tell him. Just
once more, who am I? No.
Your majesty. That's
right. Don't forget it.
No, no, no. You can't go back in
there. We've got to get to the plane.
Yeah, but there's a body, a
murder, the cops have to know.
Quiet! Huh?
But... I... quiet, your majesty.
Hey, wait a minute. Who you
kiddin' with that water pistol?
You wouldn't kill me.
I'm your king.
Right, I wouldn't kill you, but it
wouldn't matter if you limped a little.
Yeah, I think you'd do
it too. In here. Quickly.
Wait a minute. I got enough
towels from this hotel too.
You remain in there quietly
until the police leave.
Hey, the light goes out in here.
Quiet!
What is it?
Moths. Shh.
I better see what Mike is
doing in here. Michael! Michael!
What are you screaming for?
Can't you see he's beat it?
I'm sorry to have bothered you
gentlemen. That's all right, officer.
Come on, Hazel,
let's get out of here.
I can't make head or tail of it.
Why is Michael acting
this way? I'll tell you why.
This whole thing was a gag to get out of the
police station and get out of marryin' you.
There never was any murder.
There never was any king.
And there's not going to be any
wedding. You're jumping at conclusions.
Jumping at conclusions!
I'll jump down his throat.
Oh, it's you again.
Oh, pardon me,
there's been a murder.
Last time you said
they were killing you.
No, no, no, don't touch me,
you Jack the ripper.
There must be some way to explain this,
but I can't think of it right now. Bye.
Oh, myrtle, what's the matter?
It's that man again.
What's going on here?
It's a man. He's been
chasing me all day.
Where did he come from? He just jumped
at me from that closet. A love fiend.
With a turned-up nose?
Yes, do you know him?
Do I know him! Michael!
That clothes closet Casanova.
What a revoltin'
development this is.
Come on, stay away
from me, will you?
I'm bad luck. Oh, you smell
the product, huh?
Here's a piece of sparko...
On the radio.
Good night now, will you?
Come on.
Go on home, will you?
Oh, you're like me, huh? No
friends and scared stiff. I'm all out, kid.
Looks like we both
got our tails clipped.
What do you want? Here.
Here's your last
piece of sparko.
If you want any more,
you gotta write in for it.
I'll check with you
at the kennel.
What am I scared of?
That was me.
Still pretty frightening.
"Now I lay me down to sleep."
Don't turn on the light.
Who is it? Be careful. We're
being watched. It's trina.
Oh, it's you.
Say, who invited you
into my apartment?
Who invited you into my life?
Get out of here, will ya?
I've had nothing but trouble
ever since I met you.
How do you say "scram"
in barovian?
You have been through
a great deal, I know.
And it was,
to a great extent, my fault.
What are you doing? Sugar?
Yeah, the traveling kind.
I'm leaving town.
Too many people are after me,
and it's not because I'm irresistible.
I have the key.
Yeah, well...
Oh, no, give me that key!
I'm a nice, respectable boy. The danger's
greater than we thought, your majesty.
From this moment on, I shall not
leave your side for a second, day or night.
Yeah... oh, that
might be embarrassing.
It might also be interesting.
Oh, but I got to get out of
here. I'm taking that key!
Strong gloves. Give it to
me, I don't want to use force.
Your majesty...
And stop calling me that!
I don't wanna be king of
some two-bit country. I abdicate!
It's your country. Oh,
no. This is my country.
I don't have to go to your
country to get stabbed in the back.
I can stay here and get
run over by a vegetable truck.
That's much more civilized.
Give me the key.
I'm getting out of here.
Very well, if you wish
to throw your life away.
What do you mean,
"throw my life away?"
The mordia is everywhere. They
might even have followed you here.
A hand may reach out in the
dark. Trying to scare me, huh?
Well, it won't work, sister.
What do you mean, "a hand?" A hand that
may snuff out your life in the darkness.
At least, if you were killed in
barovia, you'd die like a king.
Die like a king!
Oh!
Long live the king! Good.
I knew you'd come back.
The airport is going to phone
me the moment the weather clears.
In the meantime, perhaps we
can get a few hours of sleep in here.
We, here? Of course.
Wait a minute. What are
you doing? What's coming off?
What? You better change in here.
Why?
Was I doing something
wrong? Well, I...
Oh, now I understand.
You're modest.
Your majesty, you must
remember, that during the war,
I fought, ate and lived
with 10,000 men.
You ate with them? Yes.
In the army of barovia, there's
no such thing as man or woman.
That's an old-fashioned idea.
We here in the backward
United States
find it comes in handy
once in a while.
Yes?
You wear a nightshirt,
don't you?
Nightshirt?
In the army of the barovian
resistance, we rough it.
I know it's a sacrifice, but would
you mind wearing that one tonight?
This nightshirt is rather
small for you, isn't it?
It shrank in the laundry.
It doesn't fit me anymore.
Maybe it'll fit you. It better.
All the rest of my stuff is in my trunk
down at the clock for my honeymoon.
Whoops!
I was gonna wear that on
my honeymoon. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Well, I hope this pleases you,
but it strikes me
as very foolish.
No, it's veryjolly.
Here, you take those.
I'll just rough it.
You can sleep here. I'll
curl up under it or something.
Please, get in, your majesty.
Who, me? Of course.
Please, get in.
We both had a trying day.
It's good to rest.
Tired, huh? You mean
you're really human?
Say, are all the chicks
in barovia like you?
Chicks? You know, gals.
Oh. No, only a few
of us are soldiers.
How'd you ever get into
the racket anyway?
Racket?
With those medals and guns,
boots, pants and stuff.
Didn't you ever wear a dress?
Yes, I did.
What'd you look like?
Like a peasant girl in a dress.
A little rounder,
a little more naive,
but a great deal happier.
You know something?
This whole business must be as
tough for you as it's been for me.
You don't like to be shovin'
guys around, or do you?
Of course not.
Maybe you'd like to be
back in that dress, huh?
Maybe I'd like
to see you back in it.
Why do you say that?
Just like a dame. You wanna
hear me say nice things about you.
Well, I'm not gonna
say 'em. Good night.
But I will say one thing. You're the
prettiest general I ever saw in a nightshirt.
Thank you, your majesty.
Good night.
You may rest easily. I have
my gun and I'm a very good shot.
You're perfectly safe tonight.
Ah, perfectly safe.
I'm perfectly safe. Hmm.
Victor must be right.
I am crazy.
Now that you're here,
let me repeat,
at half past 10:00,
Valentine will receive
what he will believe to be
a long-distance phone call.
I understand, excellency.
Actually,
it'll be from the consulate.
The purpose of the call will
be to hold him at the phone
so that you will know
exactly where he is.
There won't be any fog
to save him this time.
Remember, it's our last chance.
In a few hours, the weather will be
good enough for the plane to take off.
Pick up hecker on
your way there. Yes, sir.
Barovian consulate.
What a day! The birds
are on instruments.
Your majesty,
I can't find my uniform.
Maybe it had enough
points to get out.
I put it in here,
in this little closet.
Closet? That's the dumb waiter.
By now, your pants are probably
in Mrs. Murphy's chowder.
Mrs. Murphy? We gotta find
that uniform or we're dead.
Who's that?
Are you expecting anyone?
Not yet.
It's only a week overdue.
Don't open the door. It might
be dangerous. Oh, don't be silly.
Who is it? It's me, Hazel.
It's dangerous. I
better get rid of her fast.
You stay out of sight.
She'll never understand.
Hazel! Hello.
Oh, oh, nobody home!
Wait a minute! Let me in!
It's all right, Michael. Victor and I
talked over what happened yesterday
and we're both willing
to forgive and forget.
Oh. Well,
let's forgive and forget.
I'm sorry you can't stay for breakfast,
but the tea balls are pretty tired.
Wait a minute, wait a minute! Are
you trying to get rid of us or something?
Whatever gave you that idea?
Just a minute, Mike.
I just wanna say one thing.
Do you or don't you
want to marry my sister?
Don't let me influence you.
Just give me an honest answer.
Well, it's nice of you
to give me a choice.
Sure, I want to marry her. I...
Okay, then, let's go get
married. Get your hat and coat.
Oh, you mean right now?
You know of any better
time? It's a little sudden, isn't it?
Sudden? You've been
going with me for eight years!
What are you waiting for,
a pension?
You've had 798 meals
in our house.
Oh, that reminds me. I've got
something cooking in the kitchen.
If you'll join me later... no, you
don't. You've stalled long enough.
Your coat is over here.
Well, I...
Michael, put your arms
around me.
You heard her. Put
your arms around her!
Kiss me. Kiss her!
What a mother-in-law
you'll make!
Oh, Michael,
you do want to marry me.
You still love me.
I feel it. I feel it too.
I feel it too.
Let's go get married, darling!
Married?
Look, Mike.
We're practically brothers now,
so let me give you a little advice.
Whenever you get in a jam, just
come to me like a man and tell the truth.
Don't go around giving out
those wild stories
about little men with daggers and
airplanes and kings and generals.
I oughta kick your teeth in!
It's true, I tell ya. It's
true! Here he goes again.
You're not going around saying
I make up crazy stories.
It's true and I can prove it!
Let's go get married.
Now you're talkin'!
Whoops! I am general grimovitch.
Uh, believe it or not,
this is the general.
It's a summer uniform.
Honest, she just flew in.
I suppose that's a parachute
she's wearing. Michael!
I knew it, I knew it
all the time. A dame!
You love fiend!
Hazel, I... it's all right,
Mike. Don't bother. It's okay.
Please. Please allow
me to explain.
This man can't think
of marriage now.
He must return
to his people immediately.
They need him desperately.
He's their king, and I'm his general.
Oh, I know all about it.
As a matter of fact, I got a date
tonight with a blonde admiral.
Oh, no, but I tell ya
she's got a uniform,
only she threw it
down the dumb waiter.
Happens all the time.
Well, good night, general.
It's been a tough war.
Well, you fixed me up good. You got
my life tangled up like a load of wet wash.
I was trying to help. I was
willing to reveal everything.
Yeah, I know. Here.
Slip this on.
Somebody else may come in.
You should never have come
to this country in the first place.
You really like that girl? I was
only gonna marry her, that's all.
She didn't seem like the kind of
woman for whom one gives up a throne.
All she has is youth. In a few
years, she'll begin to look like Victor.
Oh, what are you talking
about? She was wonderful.
She was soft,
like a little kitten.
And her eyes,
they did something to you.
And her hair was smooth
and silky and exciting.
I wouldn't expect a
general to understand that.
I don't believe
she really loved you.
What do you know
about those things?
Hazel used to take me
in her arms like this
and she'd put her lips
close to mine like this,
then she'd kiss me.
Like this? No, it was nothing
like it. It was more like this.
Oh, but it was never like this.
Say, this could be
habit-forming.
Michael, I... I don't know
what's happening to me,
but when you kiss me,
I find it very pleasant.
Tell me, does it happen
to all women?
I don't know. I haven't
gotten around to all of 'em yet.
Purely out of curiosity,
may I try it again?
Just as a scientific experiment.
Hit it, professor.
What was that?
I think we split an atom.
That's a telephone ringing.
It must be the airport.
What do we need them for?
I'm flying already.
Hello. Who? Speaking.
Long distance, San Francisco. I
don't know anybody in San Francisco.
Operator, I'm cutoff. I'm cut...
I'm shot off! I...
We must get out of here!
The mordia! The mordia?
They must've run out of daggers.
Run, Michael, run! Run?
Do you think I'm yellow?
Shake hands with a lemon.
Let's go, let's go!
Wait a minute.
Where are your clothes?
Gone in Mrs. Murphy's dumb
waiter. I have nothing but my boots.
And all my stuff's
down at the dock.
All I've got is
what I've got on.
We'll share it. Yeah,
we'll share it. Will you...
Here, here's your share.
Go get your boots. Hurry up.
I think there's an umbrella
in here. Oh, a hat!
Come on, let's ride.
I feel like a Clay pigeon.
Oh, that's jazzy.
Maybe this style'll come back.
Let's go! Hey, let's go!
Hey, come on. Here's a taxi.
No, no, that's too convenient.
If you step into that taxi,
you may not get out alive.
Well, you take that
chance in every taxi.
There's no chance if the
driver is a member of the mordia.
Hurry, hurry!
Climb on, hurry.
They went around that corner
on a truck.
Come on, let's unload this junk.
Must've seen us. Come on.
Hiya, bud.
Who is that? That's a
singer before your time.
Blue skies!
Hey, it's a blind alley.
We're trapped.
There's a door. Let's go.
Sorry. We just got in
from California.
Oh, I'm sorry. We
just got in from Florida.
I'm sorry. It's the same man.
Oh, oh, I was just
trying it on for size.
We... I beg your pardon, is
there anything I can do for you?
Yes, she'd like another
fitting on this coat.
And I'd like a jar of
vanishing cream, king size.
We'll wait. Hurry.
I beg your pardon, but these booths
are for the convenience of our customers!
We are customers. I'd like
my hair fixed up. It's all wet.
And I need some clothes,
you see?
Our house was on fire and my
wife had to leave without dressing.
I sleep this way all the time.
I get up early.
Call back, huh?
Miss Cassidy? Customer waiting.
They're still hunting. I feel
like a needle with no haystack.
Michael, this is such
a beautiful dress.
I've never owned
anything like this.
I'm almost happy we were
forced into this place.
That's a dame for you.
Guys outside with knives waiting
to carve our names in tombstones,
and you're happy
you're forced into a dress.
But it's such a beautiful dress.
You know something?
You're crazy.
You know something else? What?
I'm crazier.
What am I hanging around with
you for? Guys shooting at me.
I don't like being a bull's-eye.
There's no future in it.
I'm ditchin' this whole mess. I'm going
to the cops and get some protection.
They won't believe you.
Remember Victor.
Let 'em toss me into bellevue. I'd
rather lose a weekend than my whole life.
They're gone and I'm
ieavin'. Stop! Michael!
Think what you're doing.
Think of our country, think of me.
I knew that was coming.
"Think of me."
From now on,
I'm thinking of myself.
You almost fooled me this morning,
but I'm not as big a dope as I am.
I'm hittin' the road.
So long. Michael!
Is everything satisfactory,
sir? Yes, everything's fine. I...
No, it isn't. There's guys after me
in this store. They're trying to kill me.
You gotta do something, you
gotta help me. Please, please!
You're crushing my
carnation. Oh, I'm sorry.
You gotta hide me.
You gotta help me.
Gift wrap me or something.
I... you...
What were you saying? I
was saying... I'm a dope.
Not only that, but I'm a coward.
Not only that,
but she's beautiful.
Michael! Michael, you must get out
of sight. They may be back any minute.
How long have you been
hiding what you've been hiding?
That dress, it's terrific. Hey, you
look wonderful with clothes on.
Michael, this is no time
to talk about a dress.
That's right, let's talk
about what's in it.
Make your way to the airport.
I'll throw them off.
Yeah, but...
Madam, what is this?
That is not Valentine.
Are you sure? Yes, I'm
certain. He went in that direction.
Pardon me, sir.
Seven and a quarter. I...
I think this one will...
I don't like that one at all.
Let's see some others.
Nor that one either.
Ah, here's one
of our latest models.
I still don't see what I
need another hat for.
- You can at least try it on.
- It doesn't cost you anything.
We have this model
in all colors.
Brown, tan, Pearl-gray,
oyster-white and green.
Move over, bub,
I gotta get to the door.
Come on, Herbert,
try it on. Try it on!
How do I look in it, Mabel? If
you'd put that smelly cigar down,
I'll be able to get
close enough to tell.
It goes well
with your face, sir.
- Oh, I don't like it.
- Besides, I've got a hat.
What does a man
need two hats for?
- He doesn't need two hats.
- He needs one good one.
I tell you, there's no hat
like my old hat.
All new hats
seem strange at first.
You just have
to get used to them.
- You always fuss this way.
- Then after you buy it,
you tell me
I was right all the time.
That is our new snap brim.
Will you please
put that cigar down?
Now, let's see the hat.
I don't like the hat,
and I'm gonna smoke my cigar!
You and your new hat!
Somebody turned my cigar around,
and I don't like this hat anyway.
Now, here's a lovely hat.
Come and sit down and try it on.
That's nice.
I wouldn't be caught dead
in a hat like this.
Don't put it square on
your head like a pot.
If you don't like that one,
sir, may I show you another?
This way, please.
Uh-oh! What am I going to do?
Try on every hat in the store?
Yes, until you admit
that you like one.
I haven't seen a hat yet that I'd
put on a self-respecting horse.
- Excuse me, please.
- Yes, gentlemen?
We're looking for a friend.
Perhaps you've seen him.
He is about medium height,
with a turned-up nose.
Sorry, gentlemen.
I'm very busy just now.
You'll have to excuse me.
We're not leaving this store
'til we get our hands on him.
We should've broken into the
apartment and slit his throat.
This one is our latest
imported model. Imported!
That's my own hat!
Herbert, you must be mistaken.
Which hat are you talking about?
That hat that's on the dummy.
That's not a dummy,
that's a man!
You said it, lady!
Hey, wait a minute.
This isn't my hat! Wait!
You'd never get away with this
if the lights were on.
Hey, let me out of here!
Open this...
Let me out of here
or I'll drown like a rat.
Fine place for a king.
Oh, an old furnace pipe.
I hope it fits me.
What a place. I hope this
leads to grand central.
Now I know what
a pipe cleaner feels like.
Now, as is
our custom in barovia,
whoever draws the long straw
will have the great good fortune
of putting an end to the life
of Michael Valentine.
Will you please get the straws?
Now, as to the method,
I know there are some here who
favor execution by firing squad.
In my opinion, this is
a dangerous procedure.
Democrats!
Moreover, shooting is
too honorable a death.
I say strangle Valentine!
The end of a rope is the only
place for this idiotic upstart.
Here, you're late.
Yeah, the subway
was crowded. I'm late.
Whoever is fortunate
enough to draw the straw,
do not make it easy for him, make
him suffer as his father made us suffer.
Repay him in kind for all our years
of exile in this stupid democracy,
for all the years away from
our native land, barovia.
Come on. Huh?
Come on. Yeah, yeah.
Short shroud. I'll probably
get the rest of it later.
Gentlemen, our usual oath.
- Death to the vanicheks!
- An eye for an eye!
Death to the vanicheks!
A tooth for a tooth!
Death to Michael Valentine! A...
A ticket for duluth.
Duluth. That's, uh...
What is this duluth?
Oh, I've got a loose tooth.
I've got... this is
no time to be funny.
Well, I've gotta eat. What?
This is my meat.
Kill the rat! Kill him!
We will proceed
to the drawing of the straws
to find out who will dispose
of Michael Valentine.
Make your choices quickly. We
must not keep Mr. Valentine waiting.
Eenie, meenie, minee, moe.
Moe?
Moe and still moe.
Does a meatball
go with this one?
- I congratulate you.
- The honor is yours.
Yes, sir. He got the short
one, I got the long kiss.
Yes, yes, we are following
the ancient barovian custom,
the winning straw
is the long straw.
You have won the privilege of
destroying Michael Valentine.
Will the two who brought
Valentine here step forward, please?
You will accompany our friend
to see that the deed is done.
Oh, fellas, really.
I don't need any help.
You have no idea how much
you'll get in my way.
I... I envy you.
Remember, stay with him until
you're positive that he's dead.
Oh, don't worry. When Valentine
takes his last breath, I'll be there.
I don't really need
these fellas.
But Valentine, though
undoubtedly simpleminded,
is desperate and slippery.
That's right.
I've heard about him.
He's desperate and slippery and
brave and handsome and tough.
But so am I.
Gentlemen, stand back.
I'll handle this deal myself.
I've come to get you, you
dirty rat! Oh, no! Don't, don't!
You tried to be a blue blood,
huh? Oh, don't. Let my neck go!
Please, please, you're
choking me! Please, please!
What's the matter,
you crazy or something? I'm...
Oh, please! Stay there! Now I'm
going to put this noose around your neck.
Yes, you. Oh, no, not that!
Let me put this
around your head.
He's as dead as he'll ever be.
Good work. Congratulations.
Oh, it was nothing.
It was pretty easy.
He had a yellow streak
down his back a foot wide.
A yellow streak?
What was it? Blood.
Well? The king is dead.
It was quite a struggle.
I only came up to here on him, but I got a
grip on him, jerked him over my shoulder,
slammed him to the ground, got the
noose around his neck, tighter and tighter.
And it was all over. Well, meeting
adjourned, men. See you later.
No, no. One moment.
Did you witness this?
No, he insisted
on handling it alone.
Alone?
We must see for ourselves.
Wait a minute. You wouldn't
want to go down there.
He looked horrible
enough when he was alive.
There is no pleasanter
sight than a dead vanichek.
But, gentlemen, you're
doubting me again. On my honor!
Gentlemen, don't you believe
me? You call me a liar and I'll...
Why, | ' | | ...
Oh, not you. You!
Be careful. Get back
in the store window.
I better beat them down there.
Whoa!
And to think
that this miserable moron
stood between us
and the wealth of barovia.
We must get rid of the body
as soon as possible.
In this country,
there is a popular method.
A barrel of cement in the
river. It leaves no traces.
We have no time for that.
We will Bury him
right here in the basement.
Only fitting that the king should
be buried in barovian territory.
First, we will take care
of the general.
Gone! There! The
old heating system.
What fools
we've been. Upstairs quickly.
Some of you remain here.
We'll shoot him
as he comes out of the vent.
Something went wrong.
Well, back in the sewer.
Oh, a side street.
You asked for it. Let
go, you fool. It's me!
I oughta marry a gopher
and settle down.
I wonder where this goes.
Why didn't you take me into
your confidence before, general?
I might have been of some help.
If we could locate the
headquarters of the mordia...
You were saying?
I was saying,
if we could locate the
headquarters of the mordia,
we might be able to rescue him.
Why not call in the
police? An excellent idea.
There's no need to ask for help in locating
the mordia's headquarters, my dear general.
This is it.
Aha! Aha! Fool around
with a king, will ya?
You mordian, you!
Ooh, you... you...
Get him. Keep the gun
on him. Stay there.
"Barovian consulate."
This is the joint.
Give me the papers we found
on the body of what's-his-name.
Grubitch. Hey, Victor,
you figure the hotel will charge you
for the night he spent in the closet?
Don't be a wise guy!
Maybe this consul can give us
some dope that'll help us out.
You really think Valentine
knocked off that guy?
Sure. Why did Mike beat it? He's
probably in South America by now.
And to think I had
my mitts on him!
Get me the police!
Valentine! What kept you?
You're under arrest for the
murder of minister grubitch!
Oh, wonderful. I never
thought I'd be happy to see you.
Officer. Officer, arrest this
man. This is a dangerous criminal.
I heard that before. What are you
doing with that gun in your hand?
Officer, I am Paul stertorius,
the barovian consul.
And I accuse these two political
enemies of attempting to murder me.
Oh, get that talk. He's twistin'
things around like a bubble dancer.
He's had me in
that dungeon for hours!
Why, if you... we're pulling
everybody in. You can explain later.
Come on, boys.
No, listen, this is the headquarters
of a secret organization.
Keep your nightshirt
on, sister. Take her away.
Yeah, but she's right. Crawl
down those pipes and you'll find 'em.
Crawl down the pipes! You can't
get away with this by pleadin' insanity.
You were alone with that man
when he was murdered, weren't you?
Oh, but I didn't do it. A knife
flew in through the window.
Sure. A mosquito carryin' an
ice pick flew over from Jersey!
Look, Victor, there they are!
Look, I tell ya. There they are!
Look, I tell ya. Look!
Will you please look?
Disappeared again, huh?
No, no, the bookcase!
No. There must be a button here
some place. There's gotta be a button.
Don't be an idiot. Just
get yourself a good lawyer.
No, there's a button here.
Aha, aha!
Look!
Get me a lawyer.
I could've... yeah!
All right, stay
where you are. Hold it.
Harry, Joe! Harry, Joe!
Help him. Trina!
Taxi!
We take off immediately.
Tell them not to strew any Rose
petals in my path when I get off.
I got hay fever.
Say, hold the plane. There's
my prime minister, krivoc.
Hurry up! It's too dangerous
to hang around here.
We gotta get off the ground. Where
were you when we needed you?
Thank heaven,
your majesty's alive.
I've been searching
everywhere for you.
Well, I've been everywhere.
Wait till I tell you about it.
Boy, what a fight. Me and Victor made
horse meat out of the whole mordia.
Every last one.
Not every last one.
What do you mean? Who's left?
I am. Let's get him! We...
You?
Oh, let's get him.
He's only got a cane.
I can lick any guy that
needs a cane. No, wait.
It is a cane which is
more deadly than it seems.
Like our faithful prime
minister, Mr. Krivoc.
You're entirely correct.
You're out of your mind.
What's gonna happen when the pilot comes
out and sees us? He will not find you.
An unfortunate but unavoidable
accident will have occurred.
That door has been blown open
by the slipstream.
In attempting to close it, his gracious
highness, the last of the vanicheks,
and general trina grimovitch fell
from the heights to an untimely death.
Not very ingenious, I'm afraid,
but it will serve when the time arises.
You're an old-fashioned
villain, Mr. Krivoc.
Shoot us now
and be done with it.
Wait a minute. If he wants
to be old-fashioned, let him.
I am waiting until
we are over the ocean.
In that way, you will
disappear more conveniently.
Are you getting nervous, your
highness? You're growing pale.
It's that blue blood. It fades.
Michael, be dignified.
Die like a vanichek.
Certainly. Ah, I see
you have a cigar.
This is a moment for
bravado. Light the cigar.
Relax. I... all right.
Compose an epigram.
Have you nothing to say?
I should've taken the train.
I don't wanna get
into the habit.
We've reached the ocean.
You will please cross to the door.
Quickly, both of you!
To the door.
You're very foolish, krivoc.
Your kind of philosophy
can no longer succeed.
You cannot turn the world back.
To you, it is back.
To me, it is forward.
From now on, I will be
the government of barovia.
You're gonna be nothing. The pilot's got
you covered. Boy, am I glad to see you.
I am not looking back,
my friend.
I'm a little too old
and too wise.
Josef, if he makes a move, fire!
Yes, Josef, who's
not there, fire, shoot.
What's wrong, Josef?
No gun, Josef?
No Josef?
Now, reach for the sky.
This is Josef.
Wanted me to smoke
a cigar, huh? Ha-ha!
Stand right there, brother. I've just
contacted the... what's happened?
Nothing, my good man. Your
king has the situation well in hand.
Minister zavitch is calling the
general from laguardia field.
What makes you think
that cane's loaded? Huh?
Well, there's one way
of finding out. It's loaded!
Yes, zavitch, what is it?
I have received a cablegram
from barovia.
King hubertus has recovered.
How wonderful! Have his
majesty come in here, please.
You stand guard over krivoc.
Zavitch, there is no longer
any necessity for haste.
We'll return to laguardia
field and pick you up.
Turn back, please.
Hey, where are we going?
Why are we turning around?
We're returning to New York.
Mr. Valentine, according to this
cablegram, you are not the king.
Not even the king's son.
Oh, boy, it's
too good to be true.
I can't understand it.
We're running out of gas.
Yeah, well, you better stop
at the next filling station.
Huh? The mordia! They
have siphoned the tank.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Michael! We're going to die.
What?
Michael...
I want to tell you I love you!
Oh, now she tells me.
Maybe you can fly down and
see me once in a while. Michael.
Have we crashed yet?
We're all right now. I just
switched over to a full tank.
Oh! I'm glad
you thought of that.
Hello, hello, hello? What's
going on? What's happening?
Mr. Valentine is kissing
the general. That is all.
That's what he thinks.
Silly boy. Oh-ho.
Go on home. You've seen it all.
Citizens of barovia.
His royal majesty,
our gracious king.
My countrymen,
I bring you great
and important news.
Your interim government
has designated November 15th
as a date for barovia's first
Democratic constitutional
election since the war.
Our nation has made
this amazing recovery
solely through
the unselfish efforts
of our own, our fearless, our
beloved general grimovitch.
Our final task
has been completed.
The black hooded secret
society which calls itself the mordia
has been destroyed.
No more will these
thieves menace our...
The mordia.
Why was the king allowed to speak
five minutes before the scheduled time?
It wasn't my
responsibility, general.
The crowd was growing restless.
Put minister karakovic
under house arrest.
General, as prime
minister, I protest.
It was an obvious device to keep me away
from the king's side during the speech.
Grubitch! Yes, your excellency.
As the minister of war,
you will issue a proclamation
ordering civilian arms to be turned
in at once. Certainly, your excellency.
Zavitch! General!
You will inform the people that
the king is only slightly wounded
and will soon recover.
Yes, your excellency.
Doctor.
How soon will he die?
He's already unconscious.
In my opinion, excellency
cannot live more than a few days.
Seventy-two hours at the utmost.
You'll issue optimistic
bulletins, Dr. Josefsberg,
indicating that the king
is making rapid recovery.
But, general... his true
condition must remain a secret.
What secret? When the
king's dead, he's dead.
Such secrets don't keep.
Hubertus is the last one
of the vanicheks.
We must pretend he's alive
at least until after the election.
Deceiving the people. A
dangerous procedure. Perhaps.
But once the unifying
influence of the throne is gone,
the mordia will seize power.
Trina.
Your majesty. Trina.
I overheard your
conversation. You are mistaken.
I am not the last
of the vanicheks.
Your majesty, you must
not waste your strength.
My head is clear.
I know what I am saying.
In 1915, when I visited
the United States,
I married.
Yes.
Dr. Josefsberg, who was
my companion at the time,
will verify this.
It's true. She was a
secretary in our embassy.
There was a child, a boy.
He's now living in New York
under the name of Michael Valentine.
Naturally, the marriage
had to be dissolved.
He must be brought here at once.
Have grubitch prepare a plane.
We leave for america
immediately.
How do you do,
ladies and gentlemen?
This is Michael
New York City Valentine,
telling you to feed
your pup sparko dog food,
and every hound on the block
will let your doberman pinch her.
Yes, sir, that was
our make-believe audience
enjoying a make-believe joke.
What a life.
You're listening
to the ionesomest man in town.
Look at me.
A hermit with a sponsor.
Nobody ever comes here.
Nothing ever happens.
And if I believe my sponsor,
nobody ever listens.
When you hear the tone, it'll be exactly
one minute and 15 seconds after midnight,
sparko dog food time.
Don't forget to write in for
your free sample of sparko.
Remember. When your dog
eats sparko, he always says...
"Hot dog. Just think, mom,
I've been eating."
"Sparko dog food for six
months. Now my tail wags me."
Hello, Joe.
I mean, hiya, Joe. Hi, Mike.
Here's Joe snyder, folks. My
co-announcerjust came in. Hi.
Yes, sir. He's taking over the
program while I'm on my honeymoon.
You know, I'm getting married
tomorrow to Hazel o'brien, the lucky girl.
Are you listening, Hazel?
Does she stay up
to listen to you?
All the time, Joe. You see
her brother, Victor, is a cop.
In fact, all the o'briens
are cops,
and when they come off their
beat at 11:00, they turn the radio on.
Oh, brother.
A whole family
full of cops, huh?
Yep, four uncles
and six cousins.
When all those uniforms get together,
it looks like west point with flat feet.
Hazel! Hazel!
What? Come over here.
What are you yelling
for now, Victor?
Don't you realize I gotta get my
dress ready for the wedding tomorrow?
Did you hear what
shovel-nose just called us?
West point with flat feet.
Oh, is that all, Victor?
For heaven's sake.
"Is that all?" I've been telling you
for eight years not to marry that lug.
A good New York cop
ain't good enough for you.
Lookie, I'll marry a New York cop when
he makes as much as Mike Valentine does.
Money ain't everything.
No, but it'll buy everything.
What kind of a man turns your wedding into
a publicity stunt to advertize dog food?
Sparko dog food is giving us $100
and a free boat trip for our honeymoon.
Sparko dog food.
Comes in biscuit or in pellet.
Hear your dogs bark
when they smell it.
It goes on like that
'til 4:00 every morning.
What kind of husband
is he gonna make?
Sleeps all day
and barks all night.
I tell you, it's subnormal.
Well, it'll be different after
the wedding. Wedding?
How do you know he's gonna show
up? Just what do you mean by that?
It took him eight years to
propose, and then you had to do it.
I don't think he wants
to get married at all.
He's nothing but a... a wolf!
What man isn't?
I can see exactly
what's gonna happen.
We're all down at the dock ready for
the wedding, but where's Valentine?
He's beat it with some redhead.
We're standin' around
like a bunch of dumb clucks.
And you, you poor kid, crying
your poor little eyes out.
He can't do that to my sister!
A request for that old favorite,
I don't want to get married,
I'm having too much fun.
You're under arrest!
Oh. Oh. That guy gives
me a terrible headache.
Joe. Joe, get me an aspirin.
Here, put it on a slice
of bread. I'm hungry too.
He's getting ready to
leave. It's about time.
Here's a picture of me
and the gal I'm gonna marry
in our bathing suits.
Get a load of that.
Gee, what a cute halter. Yeah, and
how do you like the one she's wearing?
She's the one on this side.
Isn't that pretty?
So, you're going to get married,
huh, kid? I'm ready and waiting.
Well, here, have a cigar.
That's quite a plantation. Oh, it's
nothing. Take another one for later.
Oh, thanks. Well, it's quite a
thing you have there, you know?
Mmm-hmm.
It's a retread, huh?
Are you really gonna
go for that publicity stunt
of holding the marriage
right down on the dock?
Yes, sir. I take the plunge
tomorrow morning.
If I live that long.
How corny can you
get with these jokes?
Wait 'til you see what I've
got cooked up for you later.
What, a little atomic bomb
to blow up the whole building?
Silly, boy. Plant that. So you're
really gonna marry that dame?
Yes, sir, we've been going
together for eight years.
Eight years? Yeah, we've
been looking for an apartment.
I never thought you'd do it. Listen Joe,
think of all the advantages a married man has.
Now first of all...
No, he can't do that.
Well, secondly he can...
No, he can't do that either.
Well, thirdly...
Besides, it's too late
to back out now.
And besides, Victor
will slug me, besides.
I'll see you, laughing boy.
Oh, hi. Studio a is
right down that way.
That's the only studio we
have. It's right... right there.
You fellas fans of mine?
You care for an autograph?
They're free.
Just thought I'd ask.
Some fellas wear
'em down like that.
Chew?
I'm not used
to the other stuff yet.
Elevator's a little late.
It's stuck.
Button's gone. See...
There it is.
It's a... you care to
push the button? You?
You care for a push? Just...
Sprechen sie deutsch?
Cap/sci d'italiano?
Parlez-vous francais?
Habla espanol?
Hubba, hubba.
Speak American?
You are Michael Valentine?
Yeah, I'm Michael Valentine.
Michael Joseph Valentine?
M.j. That's me. Unfortunately, we
seem to have found the right man.
Yeah, well, fortunately
my elevator's here.
So long, I hope.
I'm going down. Which
way are you fellas going?
Oh, you're going down too, huh?
Well, leave your names
at the desk,
and I'll see that you're sent
your free samples of sparko.
Would you rather eat it here?
Perhaps we should introduce ourselves?
Well, you do look familiar. I
just can't place the graveyard.
I am minister zavitch.
I am minister grubitch.
I'm sorry, kids. I've already
got a minister for the wedding...
And I am premier krivoc.
Hiya, preem.
I wish I could make you understand
quickly that your life is in great danger.
Oh, it's not as bad as that.
Guys have gotten married before.
Please. You don't realize
death is staring you in the face.
Look the other way. Pardon me.
Well, so long. Why don't you
boys go down to the basement?
Tonight's the night they're
putting new cheese in the traps.
Hey, what... you will be kind enough
to come with us, your highness.
Your highness? Oh, yeah, this is
the gag Joe snyder was talking about.
It's pretty stale. We have
no time to lose, please.
You get into the car.
Please, I will not. I've gone
along with this gag long enough.
Goodbye.
Oh, hello!
Oh, who you kiddin'? There's
no real bullets in that gat.
Joe snyder wouldn't go
that far. Or would he?
Please get in. Apparently
you're confused, your majesty.
You don't realize who you are.
This is the craziest story
I ever heard of. "Barovia."
Who ever heard of a
country named barovia?
Everyone except you,
apparently, sir.
Yeah, and me a king!
Have to be somewhere
I never heard of in 72 hours
or the whole joint'll blow up.
What've you guys been smoking?
We must be there in 48 hours.
My old man plugged on a balcony.
If it was a runway
at minsky's I'd believe it.
Please, your highness, general
grimovitch will explain everything.
Yeah, where's this general
who wants to see me?
He's probably some two-bit
actor Joe snyder hired.
Where is he? Let's
get this joke over with.
General grimovitch will
be here shortly, I'm sure.
I'll beat out his brains
with his good conduct ribbon.
Keeping me up until 1:00 am.
The day before my honeymoon.
Michael Joseph Valentine? Yeah, where is
this general? I'll tear him limb from limb.
I am general grimovitch.
Yeah, well, I wanna tell you...
And your majesty may do
with me as you wish.
Would you mind repeating that
offer? I am general grimovitch.
You didn't say...
Where do you go to get drafted?
Your majesty, please, we
must hurry. Yes. Let's be away!
Say, this is the part
of the gag I like, dames.
Where did Joe snyder
pick you up?
He must be patronizing
a better class of cafeterias.
I know it must be difficult
for you to believe all the facts
you've been told,
but you must believe them.
Place yourself entirely in my hands
and trust me. Yeah, but can I trust myself?
This is no time to joke,
your majesty.
Your father's dying, and the entire
future of barovia is in your hands.
I hate to interrupt, but
your straitjacket is showing.
You must return to your
country within 48 hours
and assume the throne,
otherwise...
Now wait, who do you think
you're fooling around with?
A three-year-old?
Look, if I were king,
bands would be playing,
my pictures would
be in the papers...
Your majesty, our entire mission
is being conducted in secrecy.
If it would receive the slightest
publicity, the news might reach barovia.
No good, huh? Certainly not. They
would find out their king is dying.
And during the confusion
of the people,
the mordia would
overturn our government.
The mordia? What's that? A secret
organization trying to regain power.
Bad men, huh? I don't know why I'm
following you except that you're a woman.
Come to think of it, I can't
think of a better reason.
We're ready, general.
Good. We take off at once.
Yeah, well, have a nice trip and don't
forget to write. Your majesty, please get in.
Oh, now, wait a minute, fellas.
This is the end of the line.
You've had your laughs.
But I gotta show up for a
wedding tomorrow. Wait a minute!
I'm booked for a honeymoon. Come
on, I won't take off. I'll drag my foot!
You can't do this...
Hold the plane! Stop it!
I can't go up in a plane.
Please, fellas,
my fountain pen leaks.
Tell the pilot we're ready
to take off. Take off?
This is on the level. I'm being
kidnapped. You'll be sent up for this.
Oh! Ooh! Too tight! Oh!
At last we are on our way. And
this time, the mordia is not the Victor.
Victor! Hazel! The
o'briens. They'll kill me.
I got to get married. What
did I get into? Stop the plane!
- You got the wrong boy.
- I'll break the window.
Thanks. Oh! They're shooting
at me. I gotta get out of here.
Your highness. Open the
door. Open up out there.
You cowards, open up! Stop
it! Force will get you nothing.
Hello? Consul stertorius speaking.
Oh, yes, general grimovitch.
What? Your plane crashed?
Oh, how terrible!
Was anyone hurt?
That was fortunate.
Park villa hotel.
Yes, your excellency, I'll have my
secretary send any cables to you there.
No, you didn't disturb me.
I was working late.
I'm glad that I can
be of service.
Good night, your excellency.
Come in.
Well? The general's plane
ran into a little difficulty.
Yes, Miller, I know.
She just called.
I took a shot at our friend
Mr. Valentine, but unfortunately, I missed.
Too bad. But you did
what you set out to do.
From what general grimovitch said, it
will take some time to repair the plane.
I managed to see our leader
before the take-off. He gave me this.
He wasn't injured in the crash?
Not at all.
The only one hurt was...
Mr. Valentine.
Gentlemen of the mordia, as we
planned, the return of general grimovitch's
so-called "trade mission" has
unfortunately been delayed.
How long do you think it will
take to have the plane repaired?
At least 12 hours.
Then we have exactly
that much time to dispose
of Mr. Michael Joseph
vanichek Valentine,
and incidentally, our old
friend general trina grimovitch.
Peter, distribute the hoods.
Yes, consul.
You'll draw straws for the honor of
destroying the last of the vanicheks.
Paul, we are
all intelligent men.
Can't we dispense with this
childish ritual of the hoods?
A ritual that has lasted
for 300 years is not childish.
The mordia has always
done it this way in barovia,
and we will do it this way here.
Hazel, baby.
Why didn't you wake me sooner?
Hazel, what's happened to you?
Hey!
Where am I?
Oh! Did anybody get
the license number?
You must be careful, your majesty.
You suffered a heavy blow on the head.
Oh, now I remember!
Hey, you guys'll get 90 years
for this, shoving me into a plane,
and kidnapping me off to barovia,
as if there was such a place.
We are still in new
York. The park villa hotel.
What time is it? 11:00.
11:00! I got to get
married at 10:30!
I'm on my honeymoon!
What am I doing here?
They're waiting for me
down at the dock.
You must save your strength. I got to get
down there. She can't get married without me.
It pains me to have to
threaten you, your majesty.
Okay, okay, I'm king. I'm
king. You've convinced me.
After all, why shouldn't
I wanna be king?
I was just playing
hard to get, that's all.
I can see myself up on that
throne with my ladies-in-waiting.
I won't keep them waiting long.
And I'll be wearing
a crown, king size.
I'll have a bed with diamond
bed bugs. I'll be knighting guys.
In fact, you three kids'll be
the first on the knight shift.
Pardon me. Pardon me. I'm...
Make way for the king! Oh!
I'm glad to see that your majesty has
recovered. Lucky for you, you're a woman.
Lucky for me too. You have no
idea what we've been through.
His highness is impossible.
But now we can leave.
The plane won't be ready until
2:00. Oh, well, we have time then.
Help! Get me the FBI hello,
listen, I've been kidnapped
by three mad characters and a
dame. Yeah, get me the manager.
Get me the mayor. Get me
the police. Get me dick Tracy.
Get me a telephone. I've
been cutoff. It's a walkie-talkie.
Hello... testing...
I... I, oh...
Oh, it's you. File that.
There must be no more attempts
to escape. Remove your clothes.
Okay, you... what did she say?
Remove your clothes.
That's what I thought she said.
Would you prefer that I take
them off? Oh, great, I'll watch you.
Oh, I thought... oh, I've never
had this kind of trouble before.
What is this?
An old barovian custom, huh?
They'll never believe this.
Grubitch, krivoc, you finish.
Now, they'll believe it. Okay,
come on, I'm not a child. I can do it.
What happened to Mike?
Oh, I don't know.
Well, come on, make
like a bride. Smile. That's it.
Here comes your brother.
Put down those clubs. Stop
the music. What happened?
There ain't gonna be any
wedding. Now, what's the idea.
What happened to Michael?
Did you call his apartment?
Yes, and just as I thought, he didn't
even sleep in his own bed last night.
Victor, are you sure? If he'd slept
there, his landlady would have known.
When that anteater
buries his nose in a pillow,
it leaves an impression
in the mattress.
Oh, how can he do a
thing like this to me?
Hazel!
Listen, Hazel, you know you can
trust me. I've always helped you out.
When we were little kids in school
together, who helped you with your homework?
I did. And when you got left behind,
who stayed behind with you? I did.
Please, why don't you go find
Michael. I want to know one thing.
When you and Michael went out
on dates, did he ever hold your hand?
Oh, Victor, why do you ask
these foolish questions?
Did he ever kiss you?
Naturally. What do you think?
And then what happened?
He took me home.
Listen, what I want to
know is, what happened
between the time he kissed you
and the time he took you home?
Was there any necking going on?
I don't know what you're
talking about, Victor.
When I went out with Michael, it was no
different than when you go out with a girl.
I'll kill him!
Smoochin' with my sister!
Joe, Jimmy, uncle Phillip.
What's up? What did ya find out?
Plenty. I want you to call
every policeman on the force.
Give them Mike Valentine's
description and tell 'em
to pick him up on sight
and pull him in.
On what charge? On what charge?
Uncle Phillip,
you're a police court judge.
You know as well as I do there's
2,500 ordinances in the city of New York.
Nobody can breathe for more than five
seconds without violating one of them.
And Mike Valentine
has breathed long enough.
Well, listen, Victor, maybe
something happened to him.
Maybe I put a little too much
gunpowder in that second cigar I gave him.
No such luck.
Search every bar, dive and
sewer in the city until you find him.
And if he ain't mussed up when you bring
him in, take him out and bring him in again.
Well, what are you waitin' for?
What did you say the
name of this game was? Gin.
That is exactly what I have.
Yeah...
Yes, sir, that's
40 more points for me.
Oh. That's another
game. You'll never learn.
You have to be born
with this stuff.
Pardon me yawning, your majesty,
but I've not slept since
we left barovia two days ago.
Oh, sleepy, huh? Yes.
Fella like you ought to get
about eight hours a night.
You're a growing boy, you know?
Nothing I should like better,
but I find myself
unable to sleep and watch you
at the same time.
Rock-a-bye, baby on the tree top.
Please, your majesty.
When the wind blows
the cradle will rock.
Please stop rocking me,
your highness.
When the bough breaks
the cradle will fall.
Please, your majesty,
I'm falling asleep.
Your majesty, this will
gain you nothing. Sneak!
It's time we left for the
airport. I'll get you your clothes.
I need another blanket.
The cane, quick.
Don't shoot. She will hear.
Oh, I was just
airing out the blankets.
I'll take them.
Aha! Now, I got you!
I got you right where
I want you, huh?
A little too fast
for you, wasn't I?
Yes, sir. Thought you were
toying with an idiot, huh?
Mmm. Brrr. How do you like that?
You won't talk, huh?
I saw you. I saw you.
One more false move,
and I'll let you have it.
I'm just playing with you.
Cat and mouse.
Let me tell you something else.
You didn't fool me for a minute.
Trying to make me think
I was a king, huh?
And there were guys
with hoods and daggers
trying to assassinate guys, huh?
The mordia! Well, get
this through your thick skull.
This is New York City,
United States of America,
and things like that don't
happen here. You understand?
Hey, you... hey, oh...
That's what I say, things
like that happen here.
Hello, hello.
Oh, that's dead too!
Oh... the key.
Don't get up, I'll get it.
Oh, the gun. Here. Tell 'em
you did it. I've got enough trouble.
I'll check with you. Oh!
Help! Help! Police!
I gotta make a call.
Help! Help! I gotta make a call!
Help!
Help! Oh, pardon me.
Hey, I... help!
Help! Help!
Help! Oh, gee, I'm sorry, but you
don't know what I've been through.
I gotta get to a phone. There's
been a murder. A murder?
Yes, there's a man... come in,
please. You must use the phone.
Oh, well, thank you very
much. You'll never regret this.
Operator, get me some service.
This is king Michael of barovia.
Yeah, I want to report a knife
with a body sticking through it.
Hello, hello. What's the matter
with the phones in this hotel?
Don't the people pay
the bills? I cut the wires.
Are you crazy or something?
You can't get any service that way.
Leave your hands off this.
Hello, hello...
Oh. Oh, now I get it.
You're the guys that did it.
Yeah, through that window. You killed
grubitch, and it was supposed to be me.
Help! Help! There is no
place to run, your majesty.
Oh! Help! Help! He
wants to slit my slot. Help!
Oh! Oh! Wait a minute.
I don't want to be
a king, honest. I just...
Stand still. Please, may
I make one last request?
Yes. Put away that knife.
Why, you... oh, I'm sorry,
gentlemen. I thought you were out.
Oh, do something. Yell. They're
trying to kill me. He's drunk.
Let go of me, you wolf, or I'll
scream. Go ahead, scream.
Myrtle, what's the matter?
This wolf's makin' passes.
I just want to get out
of here, that's all.
Don't you lay a hand
on her, you wolves!
Be careful.
What's the idea?
Thanks for screaming.
You must come over
and pinch me sometime.
Oh. Ugh!
Oh, boy, am I glad
to see you? Oh!
Hey, what is this? What
do you think you're doing?
Quick. Two guys
are trying to kill me.
There's a body in my room.
You're Mike Valentine, ain't you?
Yeah. Come on,
let's run after them.
You ain't runnin' no place. Naw, we're
runnin' you right down to the police station.
Brother, you're in trouble.
Victor o'brien's waiting for ya.
Oh, no, he'll knock
my teeth out!
I can live on liquids.
Let's go see Victor.
So I finished the broadcast
and I went out in the hall.
And there were three
beaver lips waiting for me.
I thought it was a gag, so I went
out and I beat the general's brains out.
And then they told me
I was a king.
And then the plane crashed,
the elevator came down...
Michael. Michael. I can't
understand what you're saying.
Speak slower. Why did
you run out on our wedding?
All right. It was this way.
Krumic and zubich and gravitch
took me to grimovitch at the airport.
Grimovitch talked to me while grubitch
and zavitch and krivoc went away.
Then krivoc came back without
grubitch and zavitch
and grimovitch
shoved me on the plane.
Then krivoc, grubitch and zavitch
held me down, held me down,
and the window was there,
woo-woo...
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Slow
down, slow down. Pull over to the curb.
I mean, take it easy, take it easy.
Krivoc and grubitch and grimovitch.
Now he's draggin' in the
whole notre dame football team.
No. No, no. I was in the
hallway, and the maid was there.
And it was fourth down, and
myrtle was making passes...
Michael! Slowly, very slowly.
Oh, okay. I'm all right now.
I'll take it slow.
This guy was murdered.
And I started out
of the room for help,
and nobody would let me use
their telephone until I met two guys.
They told me I could go to their room,
but when I did, one of them pulled a knife.
Then I went for the
telephone, and as I did,
he took the knife, and cut the
wires like this. Cut 'em like that.
Then ijumped on the bed
and he... oh, oh, I'm sorry.
I guess I was carried
away. I'm sorry.
Roger, Roger.
I'm sorry, sergeant. I won't let... I
was excited, but I'm all right now.
I promise I won't get...
Oh! Oh!
There they are. Those two guys
with the knives. They're after me.
At the window. Look, look.
If that's a face, it's
got a blank expression.
Send him to bellevue.
Get him outta here!
Oh, no! No. You've got to
believe me. They were there.
If you take me to the park
villa hotel, I'll show you the body
with the knife sticking through it, and
then you'll know my whole story is true.
Why don't we do that? He
couldn't make this whole thing up.
There must be something to it.
Well, what do you think, sarge?
What I think, I couldn't
say in front of your sister.
But if you want to drag this nut all the
way up to the park villa, it's okay with me.
Okay.
Here, we'll go to the hotel,
but that body better be there.
Oh, thanks, Victor. I'll
never forget you for this.
I'll make you famous.
I'll have my sponsor put out
a special food for police dogs,
and your face
will be on every can.
Aw, that's nice. Sarge, he's...
You'll see the body in a minute.
I don't believe it, but
being a Minion of the law,
I'm willin' to keep
a closed mind.
Well, it'll be there. You
better not look. Is it terrible?
Oh, it's awful. There's a knife sticking
in him like he was a loaf of pumpernickel.
There it is.
What is it, gentlemen?
What do you know,
a talking pumpernickel.
Oh, Michael. Are you sure
you have the right room?
Oh, sure. Hey, get up.
You're sitting on my body!
What is the meaning of this?
Come on, what did you do with it?
Where's the body? Who is this lunatic?
Lunatic? You're my preem
primister. I mean, my prime minister.
Don't you remember? We were
gonna fly together. Remember?
Tell him who I am. I'd be
happy to. Who are you?
You're the guy
who told me who I was.
I'm king Michael Joseph, that's
who. I'll have you beheaded.
Come on, get off the body.
You're gettin' it all wrinkled.
Michael, what's wrong with you?
He's a swallow headin'
back to capistrano.
Come on, let's fly
to bellevue. No! No!
There's zavitch.
Tell them what happened to
grubitch. Grubitch? Who is grubitch?
You... "Who's grubitch?" He says.
The knife with the body sticking on it.
I don't know what this man is babbling
about. You're not alone, brother.
Yeah, well, there's a body here
somewhere, and I'm gonna find it.
All right, produce
the corpus delicti.
One thing at a time.
Let's find the body first.
Officer, uh, could it
be over there?
Oh! Oh, boy!
Where have you been hiding?
I've been looking for you. I'll be
right back. Stand by. Don't go away.
General, it's you. Your majesty.
Say that again. Your majesty.
Say it again. Tell me one
thing. Am I a king or ain't I?
You are a king. Is there a
body in that room or ain't there?
There is a body in there. Let's
tell the cops. They think I'm nuts.
No, no, no. Not until we
are safely out of the country.
We must have no publicity. Until the
proper time, no one must know the truth.
Yeah, that's right. No
one but Victor. Victor?
Yeah, I got to tell him. Just
once more, who am I? No.
Your majesty. That's
right. Don't forget it.
No, no, no. You can't go back in
there. We've got to get to the plane.
Yeah, but there's a body, a
murder, the cops have to know.
Quiet! Huh?
But... I... quiet, your majesty.
Hey, wait a minute. Who you
kiddin' with that water pistol?
You wouldn't kill me.
I'm your king.
Right, I wouldn't kill you, but it
wouldn't matter if you limped a little.
Yeah, I think you'd do
it too. In here. Quickly.
Wait a minute. I got enough
towels from this hotel too.
You remain in there quietly
until the police leave.
Hey, the light goes out in here.
Quiet!
What is it?
Moths. Shh.
I better see what Mike is
doing in here. Michael! Michael!
What are you screaming for?
Can't you see he's beat it?
I'm sorry to have bothered you
gentlemen. That's all right, officer.
Come on, Hazel,
let's get out of here.
I can't make head or tail of it.
Why is Michael acting
this way? I'll tell you why.
This whole thing was a gag to get out of the
police station and get out of marryin' you.
There never was any murder.
There never was any king.
And there's not going to be any
wedding. You're jumping at conclusions.
Jumping at conclusions!
I'll jump down his throat.
Oh, it's you again.
Oh, pardon me,
there's been a murder.
Last time you said
they were killing you.
No, no, no, don't touch me,
you Jack the ripper.
There must be some way to explain this,
but I can't think of it right now. Bye.
Oh, myrtle, what's the matter?
It's that man again.
What's going on here?
It's a man. He's been
chasing me all day.
Where did he come from? He just jumped
at me from that closet. A love fiend.
With a turned-up nose?
Yes, do you know him?
Do I know him! Michael!
That clothes closet Casanova.
What a revoltin'
development this is.
Come on, stay away
from me, will you?
I'm bad luck. Oh, you smell
the product, huh?
Here's a piece of sparko...
On the radio.
Good night now, will you?
Come on.
Go on home, will you?
Oh, you're like me, huh? No
friends and scared stiff. I'm all out, kid.
Looks like we both
got our tails clipped.
What do you want? Here.
Here's your last
piece of sparko.
If you want any more,
you gotta write in for it.
I'll check with you
at the kennel.
What am I scared of?
That was me.
Still pretty frightening.
"Now I lay me down to sleep."
Don't turn on the light.
Who is it? Be careful. We're
being watched. It's trina.
Oh, it's you.
Say, who invited you
into my apartment?
Who invited you into my life?
Get out of here, will ya?
I've had nothing but trouble
ever since I met you.
How do you say "scram"
in barovian?
You have been through
a great deal, I know.
And it was,
to a great extent, my fault.
What are you doing? Sugar?
Yeah, the traveling kind.
I'm leaving town.
Too many people are after me,
and it's not because I'm irresistible.
I have the key.
Yeah, well...
Oh, no, give me that key!
I'm a nice, respectable boy. The danger's
greater than we thought, your majesty.
From this moment on, I shall not
leave your side for a second, day or night.
Yeah... oh, that
might be embarrassing.
It might also be interesting.
Oh, but I got to get out of
here. I'm taking that key!
Strong gloves. Give it to
me, I don't want to use force.
Your majesty...
And stop calling me that!
I don't wanna be king of
some two-bit country. I abdicate!
It's your country. Oh,
no. This is my country.
I don't have to go to your
country to get stabbed in the back.
I can stay here and get
run over by a vegetable truck.
That's much more civilized.
Give me the key.
I'm getting out of here.
Very well, if you wish
to throw your life away.
What do you mean,
"throw my life away?"
The mordia is everywhere. They
might even have followed you here.
A hand may reach out in the
dark. Trying to scare me, huh?
Well, it won't work, sister.
What do you mean, "a hand?" A hand that
may snuff out your life in the darkness.
At least, if you were killed in
barovia, you'd die like a king.
Die like a king!
Oh!
Long live the king! Good.
I knew you'd come back.
The airport is going to phone
me the moment the weather clears.
In the meantime, perhaps we
can get a few hours of sleep in here.
We, here? Of course.
Wait a minute. What are
you doing? What's coming off?
What? You better change in here.
Why?
Was I doing something
wrong? Well, I...
Oh, now I understand.
You're modest.
Your majesty, you must
remember, that during the war,
I fought, ate and lived
with 10,000 men.
You ate with them? Yes.
In the army of barovia, there's
no such thing as man or woman.
That's an old-fashioned idea.
We here in the backward
United States
find it comes in handy
once in a while.
Yes?
You wear a nightshirt,
don't you?
Nightshirt?
In the army of the barovian
resistance, we rough it.
I know it's a sacrifice, but would
you mind wearing that one tonight?
This nightshirt is rather
small for you, isn't it?
It shrank in the laundry.
It doesn't fit me anymore.
Maybe it'll fit you. It better.
All the rest of my stuff is in my trunk
down at the clock for my honeymoon.
Whoops!
I was gonna wear that on
my honeymoon. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Well, I hope this pleases you,
but it strikes me
as very foolish.
No, it's veryjolly.
Here, you take those.
I'll just rough it.
You can sleep here. I'll
curl up under it or something.
Please, get in, your majesty.
Who, me? Of course.
Please, get in.
We both had a trying day.
It's good to rest.
Tired, huh? You mean
you're really human?
Say, are all the chicks
in barovia like you?
Chicks? You know, gals.
Oh. No, only a few
of us are soldiers.
How'd you ever get into
the racket anyway?
Racket?
With those medals and guns,
boots, pants and stuff.
Didn't you ever wear a dress?
Yes, I did.
What'd you look like?
Like a peasant girl in a dress.
A little rounder,
a little more naive,
but a great deal happier.
You know something?
This whole business must be as
tough for you as it's been for me.
You don't like to be shovin'
guys around, or do you?
Of course not.
Maybe you'd like to be
back in that dress, huh?
Maybe I'd like
to see you back in it.
Why do you say that?
Just like a dame. You wanna
hear me say nice things about you.
Well, I'm not gonna
say 'em. Good night.
But I will say one thing. You're the
prettiest general I ever saw in a nightshirt.
Thank you, your majesty.
Good night.
You may rest easily. I have
my gun and I'm a very good shot.
You're perfectly safe tonight.
Ah, perfectly safe.
I'm perfectly safe. Hmm.
Victor must be right.
I am crazy.
Now that you're here,
let me repeat,
at half past 10:00,
Valentine will receive
what he will believe to be
a long-distance phone call.
I understand, excellency.
Actually,
it'll be from the consulate.
The purpose of the call will
be to hold him at the phone
so that you will know
exactly where he is.
There won't be any fog
to save him this time.
Remember, it's our last chance.
In a few hours, the weather will be
good enough for the plane to take off.
Pick up hecker on
your way there. Yes, sir.
Barovian consulate.
What a day! The birds
are on instruments.
Your majesty,
I can't find my uniform.
Maybe it had enough
points to get out.
I put it in here,
in this little closet.
Closet? That's the dumb waiter.
By now, your pants are probably
in Mrs. Murphy's chowder.
Mrs. Murphy? We gotta find
that uniform or we're dead.
Who's that?
Are you expecting anyone?
Not yet.
It's only a week overdue.
Don't open the door. It might
be dangerous. Oh, don't be silly.
Who is it? It's me, Hazel.
It's dangerous. I
better get rid of her fast.
You stay out of sight.
She'll never understand.
Hazel! Hello.
Oh, oh, nobody home!
Wait a minute! Let me in!
It's all right, Michael. Victor and I
talked over what happened yesterday
and we're both willing
to forgive and forget.
Oh. Well,
let's forgive and forget.
I'm sorry you can't stay for breakfast,
but the tea balls are pretty tired.
Wait a minute, wait a minute! Are
you trying to get rid of us or something?
Whatever gave you that idea?
Just a minute, Mike.
I just wanna say one thing.
Do you or don't you
want to marry my sister?
Don't let me influence you.
Just give me an honest answer.
Well, it's nice of you
to give me a choice.
Sure, I want to marry her. I...
Okay, then, let's go get
married. Get your hat and coat.
Oh, you mean right now?
You know of any better
time? It's a little sudden, isn't it?
Sudden? You've been
going with me for eight years!
What are you waiting for,
a pension?
You've had 798 meals
in our house.
Oh, that reminds me. I've got
something cooking in the kitchen.
If you'll join me later... no, you
don't. You've stalled long enough.
Your coat is over here.
Well, I...
Michael, put your arms
around me.
You heard her. Put
your arms around her!
Kiss me. Kiss her!
What a mother-in-law
you'll make!
Oh, Michael,
you do want to marry me.
You still love me.
I feel it. I feel it too.
I feel it too.
Let's go get married, darling!
Married?
Look, Mike.
We're practically brothers now,
so let me give you a little advice.
Whenever you get in a jam, just
come to me like a man and tell the truth.
Don't go around giving out
those wild stories
about little men with daggers and
airplanes and kings and generals.
I oughta kick your teeth in!
It's true, I tell ya. It's
true! Here he goes again.
You're not going around saying
I make up crazy stories.
It's true and I can prove it!
Let's go get married.
Now you're talkin'!
Whoops! I am general grimovitch.
Uh, believe it or not,
this is the general.
It's a summer uniform.
Honest, she just flew in.
I suppose that's a parachute
she's wearing. Michael!
I knew it, I knew it
all the time. A dame!
You love fiend!
Hazel, I... it's all right,
Mike. Don't bother. It's okay.
Please. Please allow
me to explain.
This man can't think
of marriage now.
He must return
to his people immediately.
They need him desperately.
He's their king, and I'm his general.
Oh, I know all about it.
As a matter of fact, I got a date
tonight with a blonde admiral.
Oh, no, but I tell ya
she's got a uniform,
only she threw it
down the dumb waiter.
Happens all the time.
Well, good night, general.
It's been a tough war.
Well, you fixed me up good. You got
my life tangled up like a load of wet wash.
I was trying to help. I was
willing to reveal everything.
Yeah, I know. Here.
Slip this on.
Somebody else may come in.
You should never have come
to this country in the first place.
You really like that girl? I was
only gonna marry her, that's all.
She didn't seem like the kind of
woman for whom one gives up a throne.
All she has is youth. In a few
years, she'll begin to look like Victor.
Oh, what are you talking
about? She was wonderful.
She was soft,
like a little kitten.
And her eyes,
they did something to you.
And her hair was smooth
and silky and exciting.
I wouldn't expect a
general to understand that.
I don't believe
she really loved you.
What do you know
about those things?
Hazel used to take me
in her arms like this
and she'd put her lips
close to mine like this,
then she'd kiss me.
Like this? No, it was nothing
like it. It was more like this.
Oh, but it was never like this.
Say, this could be
habit-forming.
Michael, I... I don't know
what's happening to me,
but when you kiss me,
I find it very pleasant.
Tell me, does it happen
to all women?
I don't know. I haven't
gotten around to all of 'em yet.
Purely out of curiosity,
may I try it again?
Just as a scientific experiment.
Hit it, professor.
What was that?
I think we split an atom.
That's a telephone ringing.
It must be the airport.
What do we need them for?
I'm flying already.
Hello. Who? Speaking.
Long distance, San Francisco. I
don't know anybody in San Francisco.
Operator, I'm cutoff. I'm cut...
I'm shot off! I...
We must get out of here!
The mordia! The mordia?
They must've run out of daggers.
Run, Michael, run! Run?
Do you think I'm yellow?
Shake hands with a lemon.
Let's go, let's go!
Wait a minute.
Where are your clothes?
Gone in Mrs. Murphy's dumb
waiter. I have nothing but my boots.
And all my stuff's
down at the dock.
All I've got is
what I've got on.
We'll share it. Yeah,
we'll share it. Will you...
Here, here's your share.
Go get your boots. Hurry up.
I think there's an umbrella
in here. Oh, a hat!
Come on, let's ride.
I feel like a Clay pigeon.
Oh, that's jazzy.
Maybe this style'll come back.
Let's go! Hey, let's go!
Hey, come on. Here's a taxi.
No, no, that's too convenient.
If you step into that taxi,
you may not get out alive.
Well, you take that
chance in every taxi.
There's no chance if the
driver is a member of the mordia.
Hurry, hurry!
Climb on, hurry.
They went around that corner
on a truck.
Come on, let's unload this junk.
Must've seen us. Come on.
Hiya, bud.
Who is that? That's a
singer before your time.
Blue skies!
Hey, it's a blind alley.
We're trapped.
There's a door. Let's go.
Sorry. We just got in
from California.
Oh, I'm sorry. We
just got in from Florida.
I'm sorry. It's the same man.
Oh, oh, I was just
trying it on for size.
We... I beg your pardon, is
there anything I can do for you?
Yes, she'd like another
fitting on this coat.
And I'd like a jar of
vanishing cream, king size.
We'll wait. Hurry.
I beg your pardon, but these booths
are for the convenience of our customers!
We are customers. I'd like
my hair fixed up. It's all wet.
And I need some clothes,
you see?
Our house was on fire and my
wife had to leave without dressing.
I sleep this way all the time.
I get up early.
Call back, huh?
Miss Cassidy? Customer waiting.
They're still hunting. I feel
like a needle with no haystack.
Michael, this is such
a beautiful dress.
I've never owned
anything like this.
I'm almost happy we were
forced into this place.
That's a dame for you.
Guys outside with knives waiting
to carve our names in tombstones,
and you're happy
you're forced into a dress.
But it's such a beautiful dress.
You know something?
You're crazy.
You know something else? What?
I'm crazier.
What am I hanging around with
you for? Guys shooting at me.
I don't like being a bull's-eye.
There's no future in it.
I'm ditchin' this whole mess. I'm going
to the cops and get some protection.
They won't believe you.
Remember Victor.
Let 'em toss me into bellevue. I'd
rather lose a weekend than my whole life.
They're gone and I'm
ieavin'. Stop! Michael!
Think what you're doing.
Think of our country, think of me.
I knew that was coming.
"Think of me."
From now on,
I'm thinking of myself.
You almost fooled me this morning,
but I'm not as big a dope as I am.
I'm hittin' the road.
So long. Michael!
Is everything satisfactory,
sir? Yes, everything's fine. I...
No, it isn't. There's guys after me
in this store. They're trying to kill me.
You gotta do something, you
gotta help me. Please, please!
You're crushing my
carnation. Oh, I'm sorry.
You gotta hide me.
You gotta help me.
Gift wrap me or something.
I... you...
What were you saying? I
was saying... I'm a dope.
Not only that, but I'm a coward.
Not only that,
but she's beautiful.
Michael! Michael, you must get out
of sight. They may be back any minute.
How long have you been
hiding what you've been hiding?
That dress, it's terrific. Hey, you
look wonderful with clothes on.
Michael, this is no time
to talk about a dress.
That's right, let's talk
about what's in it.
Make your way to the airport.
I'll throw them off.
Yeah, but...
Madam, what is this?
That is not Valentine.
Are you sure? Yes, I'm
certain. He went in that direction.
Pardon me, sir.
Seven and a quarter. I...
I think this one will...
I don't like that one at all.
Let's see some others.
Nor that one either.
Ah, here's one
of our latest models.
I still don't see what I
need another hat for.
- You can at least try it on.
- It doesn't cost you anything.
We have this model
in all colors.
Brown, tan, Pearl-gray,
oyster-white and green.
Move over, bub,
I gotta get to the door.
Come on, Herbert,
try it on. Try it on!
How do I look in it, Mabel? If
you'd put that smelly cigar down,
I'll be able to get
close enough to tell.
It goes well
with your face, sir.
- Oh, I don't like it.
- Besides, I've got a hat.
What does a man
need two hats for?
- He doesn't need two hats.
- He needs one good one.
I tell you, there's no hat
like my old hat.
All new hats
seem strange at first.
You just have
to get used to them.
- You always fuss this way.
- Then after you buy it,
you tell me
I was right all the time.
That is our new snap brim.
Will you please
put that cigar down?
Now, let's see the hat.
I don't like the hat,
and I'm gonna smoke my cigar!
You and your new hat!
Somebody turned my cigar around,
and I don't like this hat anyway.
Now, here's a lovely hat.
Come and sit down and try it on.
That's nice.
I wouldn't be caught dead
in a hat like this.
Don't put it square on
your head like a pot.
If you don't like that one,
sir, may I show you another?
This way, please.
Uh-oh! What am I going to do?
Try on every hat in the store?
Yes, until you admit
that you like one.
I haven't seen a hat yet that I'd
put on a self-respecting horse.
- Excuse me, please.
- Yes, gentlemen?
We're looking for a friend.
Perhaps you've seen him.
He is about medium height,
with a turned-up nose.
Sorry, gentlemen.
I'm very busy just now.
You'll have to excuse me.
We're not leaving this store
'til we get our hands on him.
We should've broken into the
apartment and slit his throat.
This one is our latest
imported model. Imported!
That's my own hat!
Herbert, you must be mistaken.
Which hat are you talking about?
That hat that's on the dummy.
That's not a dummy,
that's a man!
You said it, lady!
Hey, wait a minute.
This isn't my hat! Wait!
You'd never get away with this
if the lights were on.
Hey, let me out of here!
Open this...
Let me out of here
or I'll drown like a rat.
Fine place for a king.
Oh, an old furnace pipe.
I hope it fits me.
What a place. I hope this
leads to grand central.
Now I know what
a pipe cleaner feels like.
Now, as is
our custom in barovia,
whoever draws the long straw
will have the great good fortune
of putting an end to the life
of Michael Valentine.
Will you please get the straws?
Now, as to the method,
I know there are some here who
favor execution by firing squad.
In my opinion, this is
a dangerous procedure.
Democrats!
Moreover, shooting is
too honorable a death.
I say strangle Valentine!
The end of a rope is the only
place for this idiotic upstart.
Here, you're late.
Yeah, the subway
was crowded. I'm late.
Whoever is fortunate
enough to draw the straw,
do not make it easy for him, make
him suffer as his father made us suffer.
Repay him in kind for all our years
of exile in this stupid democracy,
for all the years away from
our native land, barovia.
Come on. Huh?
Come on. Yeah, yeah.
Short shroud. I'll probably
get the rest of it later.
Gentlemen, our usual oath.
- Death to the vanicheks!
- An eye for an eye!
Death to the vanicheks!
A tooth for a tooth!
Death to Michael Valentine! A...
A ticket for duluth.
Duluth. That's, uh...
What is this duluth?
Oh, I've got a loose tooth.
I've got... this is
no time to be funny.
Well, I've gotta eat. What?
This is my meat.
Kill the rat! Kill him!
We will proceed
to the drawing of the straws
to find out who will dispose
of Michael Valentine.
Make your choices quickly. We
must not keep Mr. Valentine waiting.
Eenie, meenie, minee, moe.
Moe?
Moe and still moe.
Does a meatball
go with this one?
- I congratulate you.
- The honor is yours.
Yes, sir. He got the short
one, I got the long kiss.
Yes, yes, we are following
the ancient barovian custom,
the winning straw
is the long straw.
You have won the privilege of
destroying Michael Valentine.
Will the two who brought
Valentine here step forward, please?
You will accompany our friend
to see that the deed is done.
Oh, fellas, really.
I don't need any help.
You have no idea how much
you'll get in my way.
I... I envy you.
Remember, stay with him until
you're positive that he's dead.
Oh, don't worry. When Valentine
takes his last breath, I'll be there.
I don't really need
these fellas.
But Valentine, though
undoubtedly simpleminded,
is desperate and slippery.
That's right.
I've heard about him.
He's desperate and slippery and
brave and handsome and tough.
But so am I.
Gentlemen, stand back.
I'll handle this deal myself.
I've come to get you, you
dirty rat! Oh, no! Don't, don't!
You tried to be a blue blood,
huh? Oh, don't. Let my neck go!
Please, please, you're
choking me! Please, please!
What's the matter,
you crazy or something? I'm...
Oh, please! Stay there! Now I'm
going to put this noose around your neck.
Yes, you. Oh, no, not that!
Let me put this
around your head.
He's as dead as he'll ever be.
Good work. Congratulations.
Oh, it was nothing.
It was pretty easy.
He had a yellow streak
down his back a foot wide.
A yellow streak?
What was it? Blood.
Well? The king is dead.
It was quite a struggle.
I only came up to here on him, but I got a
grip on him, jerked him over my shoulder,
slammed him to the ground, got the
noose around his neck, tighter and tighter.
And it was all over. Well, meeting
adjourned, men. See you later.
No, no. One moment.
Did you witness this?
No, he insisted
on handling it alone.
Alone?
We must see for ourselves.
Wait a minute. You wouldn't
want to go down there.
He looked horrible
enough when he was alive.
There is no pleasanter
sight than a dead vanichek.
But, gentlemen, you're
doubting me again. On my honor!
Gentlemen, don't you believe
me? You call me a liar and I'll...
Why, | ' | | ...
Oh, not you. You!
Be careful. Get back
in the store window.
I better beat them down there.
Whoa!
And to think
that this miserable moron
stood between us
and the wealth of barovia.
We must get rid of the body
as soon as possible.
In this country,
there is a popular method.
A barrel of cement in the
river. It leaves no traces.
We have no time for that.
We will Bury him
right here in the basement.
Only fitting that the king should
be buried in barovian territory.
First, we will take care
of the general.
Gone! There! The
old heating system.
What fools
we've been. Upstairs quickly.
Some of you remain here.
We'll shoot him
as he comes out of the vent.
Something went wrong.
Well, back in the sewer.
Oh, a side street.
You asked for it. Let
go, you fool. It's me!
I oughta marry a gopher
and settle down.
I wonder where this goes.
Why didn't you take me into
your confidence before, general?
I might have been of some help.
If we could locate the
headquarters of the mordia...
You were saying?
I was saying,
if we could locate the
headquarters of the mordia,
we might be able to rescue him.
Why not call in the
police? An excellent idea.
There's no need to ask for help in locating
the mordia's headquarters, my dear general.
This is it.
Aha! Aha! Fool around
with a king, will ya?
You mordian, you!
Ooh, you... you...
Get him. Keep the gun
on him. Stay there.
"Barovian consulate."
This is the joint.
Give me the papers we found
on the body of what's-his-name.
Grubitch. Hey, Victor,
you figure the hotel will charge you
for the night he spent in the closet?
Don't be a wise guy!
Maybe this consul can give us
some dope that'll help us out.
You really think Valentine
knocked off that guy?
Sure. Why did Mike beat it? He's
probably in South America by now.
And to think I had
my mitts on him!
Get me the police!
Valentine! What kept you?
You're under arrest for the
murder of minister grubitch!
Oh, wonderful. I never
thought I'd be happy to see you.
Officer. Officer, arrest this
man. This is a dangerous criminal.
I heard that before. What are you
doing with that gun in your hand?
Officer, I am Paul stertorius,
the barovian consul.
And I accuse these two political
enemies of attempting to murder me.
Oh, get that talk. He's twistin'
things around like a bubble dancer.
He's had me in
that dungeon for hours!
Why, if you... we're pulling
everybody in. You can explain later.
Come on, boys.
No, listen, this is the headquarters
of a secret organization.
Keep your nightshirt
on, sister. Take her away.
Yeah, but she's right. Crawl
down those pipes and you'll find 'em.
Crawl down the pipes! You can't
get away with this by pleadin' insanity.
You were alone with that man
when he was murdered, weren't you?
Oh, but I didn't do it. A knife
flew in through the window.
Sure. A mosquito carryin' an
ice pick flew over from Jersey!
Look, Victor, there they are!
Look, I tell ya. There they are!
Look, I tell ya. Look!
Will you please look?
Disappeared again, huh?
No, no, the bookcase!
No. There must be a button here
some place. There's gotta be a button.
Don't be an idiot. Just
get yourself a good lawyer.
No, there's a button here.
Aha, aha!
Look!
Get me a lawyer.
I could've... yeah!
All right, stay
where you are. Hold it.
Harry, Joe! Harry, Joe!
Help him. Trina!
Taxi!
We take off immediately.
Tell them not to strew any Rose
petals in my path when I get off.
I got hay fever.
Say, hold the plane. There's
my prime minister, krivoc.
Hurry up! It's too dangerous
to hang around here.
We gotta get off the ground. Where
were you when we needed you?
Thank heaven,
your majesty's alive.
I've been searching
everywhere for you.
Well, I've been everywhere.
Wait till I tell you about it.
Boy, what a fight. Me and Victor made
horse meat out of the whole mordia.
Every last one.
Not every last one.
What do you mean? Who's left?
I am. Let's get him! We...
You?
Oh, let's get him.
He's only got a cane.
I can lick any guy that
needs a cane. No, wait.
It is a cane which is
more deadly than it seems.
Like our faithful prime
minister, Mr. Krivoc.
You're entirely correct.
You're out of your mind.
What's gonna happen when the pilot comes
out and sees us? He will not find you.
An unfortunate but unavoidable
accident will have occurred.
That door has been blown open
by the slipstream.
In attempting to close it, his gracious
highness, the last of the vanicheks,
and general trina grimovitch fell
from the heights to an untimely death.
Not very ingenious, I'm afraid,
but it will serve when the time arises.
You're an old-fashioned
villain, Mr. Krivoc.
Shoot us now
and be done with it.
Wait a minute. If he wants
to be old-fashioned, let him.
I am waiting until
we are over the ocean.
In that way, you will
disappear more conveniently.
Are you getting nervous, your
highness? You're growing pale.
It's that blue blood. It fades.
Michael, be dignified.
Die like a vanichek.
Certainly. Ah, I see
you have a cigar.
This is a moment for
bravado. Light the cigar.
Relax. I... all right.
Compose an epigram.
Have you nothing to say?
I should've taken the train.
I don't wanna get
into the habit.
We've reached the ocean.
You will please cross to the door.
Quickly, both of you!
To the door.
You're very foolish, krivoc.
Your kind of philosophy
can no longer succeed.
You cannot turn the world back.
To you, it is back.
To me, it is forward.
From now on, I will be
the government of barovia.
You're gonna be nothing. The pilot's got
you covered. Boy, am I glad to see you.
I am not looking back,
my friend.
I'm a little too old
and too wise.
Josef, if he makes a move, fire!
Yes, Josef, who's
not there, fire, shoot.
What's wrong, Josef?
No gun, Josef?
No Josef?
Now, reach for the sky.
This is Josef.
Wanted me to smoke
a cigar, huh? Ha-ha!
Stand right there, brother. I've just
contacted the... what's happened?
Nothing, my good man. Your
king has the situation well in hand.
Minister zavitch is calling the
general from laguardia field.
What makes you think
that cane's loaded? Huh?
Well, there's one way
of finding out. It's loaded!
Yes, zavitch, what is it?
I have received a cablegram
from barovia.
King hubertus has recovered.
How wonderful! Have his
majesty come in here, please.
You stand guard over krivoc.
Zavitch, there is no longer
any necessity for haste.
We'll return to laguardia
field and pick you up.
Turn back, please.
Hey, where are we going?
Why are we turning around?
We're returning to New York.
Mr. Valentine, according to this
cablegram, you are not the king.
Not even the king's son.
Oh, boy, it's
too good to be true.
I can't understand it.
We're running out of gas.
Yeah, well, you better stop
at the next filling station.
Huh? The mordia! They
have siphoned the tank.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Michael! We're going to die.
What?
Michael...
I want to tell you I love you!
Oh, now she tells me.
Maybe you can fly down and
see me once in a while. Michael.
Have we crashed yet?
We're all right now. I just
switched over to a full tank.
Oh! I'm glad
you thought of that.
Hello, hello, hello? What's
going on? What's happening?
Mr. Valentine is kissing
the general. That is all.
That's what he thinks.
Silly boy. Oh-ho.
Go on home. You've seen it all.