Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988) Movie Script
## [Cool Jazz]...
...## [Upbeat Theme]...
...[Baby Talk]...
Mommy's going to
the beauty parlor, darling.
But I'm leaving you with
your favorite friend, Roger.
He's going to take
very, very good care of you.
Because if he doesn't, he's
going back to the science lab.
P-P-Please, don't worry.
Whatever you say. Yes, ma'am.
Aye, aye, sir. Okeydokey.
Why, I'll take care of him
like he was my own brother.
Or my own sister. Ow.
Or my brother's sister.
Or my second cousin,
who is twice removed...
Or my ninth cousin, who is nine times
removed from his place outside.
Or like my fifteenth cousin,
who is sixteen times removed
Or like my twenty-second cousin,
who is thirty-seven times
removed from his father's side.
Who is 11 times removed...
...like my seventeenth cousin, who is
156 times removed from any side.
[Pots Crashing,
Glass Shattering]...
...[Horn Honking] Aah.
I'll save ya, Baby.
Cookie.
Don't burn yourself,
Baby Herman. Whoa.
[Spluttering] Whoa. Ah. W-Whoa.
Whoa. Wow.
Whoa.
Who turned out the lights?
Boy, it's dark in here.
Don't they pay their electricity?
What happened? I'll find ya,
Baby. Where are you?
[Giggling] Cookie.
- Where am I?
[Roger] What's that smoke?
[Baby Talk]...
...[Roger Yelping]
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
[Electricity Zapping]...
...[Gulping]
- Cookie.
[Steam Whistling] Wah.
Cookie.
[Giggling]
I'm here, Bab... Aah.
[Gulps]...
...[Baby Talk]...
...[Muffled Shouting]
Wah.
[Motor Humming]...
...[Groaning]
Cookie.
[Air Hissing]
Wah.
[Blubbering]...
...[Muffled Shouting]...
...[Grunting, Arms Creaking]
Cookie. Ahh.
[Tweeting]
- [Man] Cut.
[Bell Buzzing]
- [Man #2]...
...[Man] Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.
[Man's Voice] What the hell
was wrong with that take?
You were great. You were perfect.
You were better than perfect.
[Birds Tweeting]
- Just Roger.
Roger, what's this?
- A tweeting bird.
A tweeting bird?
## [Upbeat Theme]
- Read the script. Look what it says.
It says, 'Rabbit gets clunked.
Rabbit sees stars.'
[Mumbling Incoherently]
- Not birds, stars.
Can we lose the playback, please?
- ## [Music Stops]...
Roger, you're killin' me. Killin' me.
- For cryin' out loud, Roger.
How the hell many times
do we have to do this damn scene?
Raoul, I'll be in my trailer.
Takin' a nap.'Scuse me, Toots.
- [Woman Screams]
My stomach can't take this.
This set is a mess. Clean this set up.
And get him outta there or seal him up in it.
Lose the lights. And say lunch.
- [Man] Lunch.
[Bell Rings]
- That's lunch. We're on a half.
P-Please, Raoul, I can give you stars.
Just drop the refrigerator
on my head one more time.
Roger, I dropped it on your
head 23 times already.
I can take it.
Don't worry about me.
I'm not worried about you.
I'm worried about the refrigerator.
I can give you stars. Look.
- [Pan Banging]
Look. Look.
[Roger] Please, Raoul.
I can do it, I swear.
Just give me another chance.
- [Exhales]...
...[Roger Shouting]
- Toons.
Mr. Maroon, Mr. Valiant's here to...
...## [Upbeat Theme]
- He'll be right with you.
## [Music Continues]...
...[Bomb Exploding,
Music Stops]
No, no. Wait until he gets to his feet.
Then hit him with the boulder.
Right, R.K.
How much do you know about
show business, Mr. Valiant?
Only there's no business like it,
no business I know.
Yeah, and there's
no business more expensive.
I'm 25 grand over budget on
the latest Baby Herman cartoon.
You saw the rabbit blowin' his lines.
He can't keep his mind on his work.
You know why?
- One too many refrigerators
Nah, he's a toon. You can drop anything
on his head, he'll shake it off.
But break his heart, he goes
to pieces, just like you or me.
Read that.
'Seen Cooing over Calamari
with Not-So-New Sugar Daddy...
Was Jessica Rabbit, Wife of
Maroon Cartoon Star Roger.'
What's this got to do with me?
You're the private detective.
You figure it out.
Look, I don't have time for this.
Look, Valiant, his wife's poison, but he
thinks she's Betty Crocker.
I want you to follow her.
Get me a couple of nice, juicy pictures
I can wise the rabbit up with.
Forget it.
I don't work Toontown.
What's wrong with Toontown?
Every Joe loves Toontown.
'Cause I ain't goin'.
- Whoa, fella.
You don't want to go to Toontown,
you don't have to go to Toontown.
Nobody said you had
to go to Toontown anyway.
Have a seat, Valiant.
The rabbit's wife sings at a joint
called the Ink and Paint Club.
Toon revue.
Strictly humans only, okay?
So what do you think, Valiant?
Well?
The job's gonna cost ya a hundred bucks,
plus expenses.
- A hundred bucks? That's ridiculous.
So's the job.
- All right, all right.
You got your hundred bucks.
Have a drink, Eddie.
I don't mind if I do.
[Man] Careful, Dave.
Dave, you're gonna drop it.
[Dave] I'm not gonna drop it.
- [Man] You're dropping it.
Watch it.
- Oh, no, the chairs are out.
## ['Stars And Stripes Forever']
- [Men Shouting]...
...[High-Pitched Trumpeting]
- [Gasping]...
...[Thud]
Kinda jumpy, aren't ya, Valiant?
It's just Dumbo.
- I know who it is.
I got him on loan from Disney...
...him and half the cast of Fantasia.
The best part is,
they work for peanuts.
- [Dumbo Cooing]
Well, I don't work for peanuts.
Where's the other $50?
Let's call the other $50
a carrot to finish the job.
You been hangin' around rabbits too long.
Hmph.
[Croaking]...
...## ['The Sorcerer's Apprentice' Dukas]
W-Whoop. Whoop.
W-w-whoa.
[Crashing]
Oh, excuse me.
[Mooing]...
...[Man Screaming]
- Oh, oh, oh.
[Muttering]...
...[Bell Ringing]...
...[Bell Ringing]...
...[Chattering]
- Uh, taxi? Uh, cab?
[Laughing] Hi, there.
What do I look like, a bank?
[Bell Ringing]
Wait for me.
Hey, guys, wait up.
- [All Shouting] Come on, hurry up.
Come on, Sid.
- Hurry up.
Hey, mister, ain't ya got a car?
- Who needs a car in L. A?
We got the best public transportation
system in the world.
Come on, Frank.
Keep the line tight.
It's goin'.
- All right, easy, easy.
[Men Murmuring]...
So long, sir.
- See you later.
So long, mister.
- Thanks for the cigarettes.
You bet.
- Any time.
[Street Noises]...
Hi, Harry.
- Hi, Eddie. How's it goin'?
Okay. What you got for me?
- The usual bills.
[Laughing]
- Hey, gimme back my ball.
[Electricity Buzzing]...
Hi, Harry. You okay?
- Hi, Eddie.
[Trolley Rumbling]
What's with Earl?
Laid off?
A new outfit bought the Red Car.
Some big company called Cloverleaf.
No kiddin'. They bought the Red Car?
Yeah. Put the poor guy on
two weeks' notice. Cutbacks, they said.
[Sighing] Oh, well, Earl.
Here's to the pencil-pushers.
May they all get lead poisoning, eh?
Tomorrow's Friday, Eddie.
You know what happens here on Friday?
Fish Special?
- My boss checks the books on Friday.
And if I don't have that money
I gave you back in the till,
I'm gonna lose my job.
- Don't bust a button, Dolores.
You've only got one left.
Fifty bucks?
- Yeah.
Where's the rest?
Well, it's only a snoop job away.
Have you got that camera of yours?
Mine's in the shop.
- Wouldn't be the pawn shop
Aw, come on, Dolores. You need
the other $50, I need the camera.
[Bar Noises]
Any film in there?
Should be.
I haven't had that roll developed
since our trip to Catalina.
That sure was a long time ago.
Yeah, that was a long time ago.
We'll have to do that again sometime.
- Yeah, sure, Eddie.
[Trolley Rumbling]...
Paper even good?
- Just check the scrawl.
R.K. Maroon?
As in Maroon Cartoons?
[Man Laughing] Maroon Cartoons?
Hey, so who's your client.
Mr. Detective to the Stars?
[Chuckling] Chilly Willy?
Or Screwy Squirrel?
[Laughing, Imitating Squirrel]...
What do you want to drink?
- I'll take a beer, doll.
So what happened, huh?
Somebody kidnap Dinky Doodle?
[Dolores] Cut it out, Angelo.
Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute, I know.
You're workin' for Little Bo Peep.
She's lost her sheep, and you're
gonna help her find 'em. Eh?
[Chuckling]...
Ow.
- Get this straight, meatball.
I... don't... work for toons.
[Grunting]
So what's his problem?
Toon killed his brother.
- What?
Dropped a piano on his head.
[Trolley Rumbling]
- [Dog Barking]
Got the password?
'Walt sent me.'
[Bolt Rattling]...
...[Door Creaking]
- [Growling]...
Nice monkey suit.
- Wiseass.
[Growling]...
...## [Piano]...
...## [Hungarian Rhapsody No. 2,
Liszt]...
...[Crowd Laughing, Chattering]...
Hey, look at that.
- [Laughing]...
...[Pounding On Piano]
- [Quacking] Hey, cut it out.
Does anybody understand what
this duck is saying?
[Laughing]...
...[Woman] Hmm. Most amusing.
- A little more wine?
I've worked with a lot of wise-quackers,
[Lisping] But you are despicable.
[Donald] Doggone, stubborn nitwit.
That did it.
[Quacking Angrily]...
...[Daffy] This is the last time...
...with a speech impediment.
- Oh, yeah?
[Crashing]
- This means war.
## [Music Continues]...
...[Giggling]...
What, do you think that's funny?
- Oh, it's a panic.
You won't think it's funny
when I stick that pen up your nose.
Now calm down, son, will ya?
Look, the stain's gone.
It's disappearing ink.
No hard feelings, I hope.
Look, I'm...
- I know who you are.
Marvin Acme, the guy that owns
Toontown. The Gag King.
'If it's Acme, it's a gasser.' Put it there, pal.
[Buzzing]
- [Gasping]
The hand buzzer.
Still our biggest seller.
[Laughing]
- ## [Music Continues]
Scotch on the rocks.
And I mean, ice.
[Donald Quacking Angrily]
This is hot stuff.
Yeah.
- ## [Grand Finale]...
...[Cackling]
Woo-hoo. Woo-hoo.
[Laughing]...
...[Applauding, Cheering]
Hey, those ducks are funny.
They-They never get
to finish the act. [Laughing]...
Great. Thanks.
- Rocks.
Toons.
- Cigars? Cigarettes?
Eddie Valiant.
- Betty?
Long time no see.
What are you doing here?
- Work's been kinda slow
But I still got it, Eddie.
Boop boop be-doop, boop.
Yeah. You still got it.
- [Applauding]...
...[Applauding, Catcalling]...
What's with him?
- Mr. Acme never misses
Got a thing for rabbits, huh?
# You had plenty money #...
...# In 1922 #...
...# You let #...
...# Other women make a #...
...# Fool of you #...
...# Why don't ya do right #...
...# Like some other men #...
...# Do #...
...[Men Catcalling]...
...# Get outta here #...
She's married to Roger Rabbit?
- # Get me some money #...
...# Too #
- Yeah. What a lucky girl.
# Now, if you had prepared #...
...# Twenty years ago #...
...# You wouldn't be wanderin' now #...
...# From door to door #...
...# Why don't ya do right #...
...# Like some other men #...
...# Do #...
...# Get outta here #...
...# Get me some money too #...
...# Get outta here #...
...# Get me some money too #...
...# Why don't ya do right #...
...# Like some other men #...
...# Do ##...
...[Cheering, Whistling]...
...[Jessica] Who is it?
Jessica, dear, have no fear.
Your Marvin is here.
[Marvin] You sure murdered 'em
I really mean it.
My darling, you were superb.
You absolutely,
truly and honestly...
...fashmolyed that audience.
You killed them.
You slayed them.
You belted them. You were terrific.
- [Growling]
What do you think you're doing, chump?
Who are you callin' a chump, chimp?
[Growling]
Aah.
[Grunting]
And don't let me catch your peepin' face
around here again, got it?
Ooga-booga.
[Marvin] Come, my dear Jessica.
I've got everything arranged
right here on the bed.
[Jessica] Oh, not tonight, Marvin.
[Marvin] But Jessica, you promised.
[Jessica] Oh, all right.
But this time, take off that hand buzzer.
[Marvin] Patty-cake.
[Marvin] Patty-cake. Patty-cake.
- [Jessica] Oh. Marvin.
[Marvin] Patty-cake.
- [Jessica] Marvin.
[Marvin] Patty-cake. Patty-cake.
- [Jessica] Marvin. Oh.
[Marvin] Patty-cake. Patty-cake.
- [Jessica] Oh, Marvin.
Patty-cake. Patty-cake. Patty-cake.
- [Jessica] Oh, no, Marv...
Patty-cake. Patty-cake. Patty-cake.
- You gotta be kiddin' me.
Patty-cake, patty-cake?
[Crying] I don't believe it.
[Weeping]
Patty-cake. Patty-cake.
Is that true?
Take comfort, son.
You're not the first man whose...
...[Weeping]...
...[Loud Honking]
I just don't believe it.
I won't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I shan't believe it.
[Splashing]
- Believe it, kid.
She played patty-cake.
- [Trembling] No.
Not my Jessica. Not patty-cake.
This is impossible. I don't believe it.
It can't be. It can't be.
Jessica's my wife.
It's absolutely impossible.
Jessica's the light of my life.
The apple of my eye.
The cream in my coffee.
You better start drinkin' it black,
'cause Acme's takin' the cream now.
Hard to believe. Marvin Acme's been my
friend and neighbor for 30 years.
Who would've thought
he was a sugar daddy?
[Roger] Somebody musta made her do it.
Now drink this, son.
It'll make you feel better.
[Whimpering]...
...[Gulps, Sighs]...
...[Gurgling] Aah.
Aah.
[Horn Blowing]...
...[Glass Shattering]
Thanks. I needed that.
Son of a bitch.
[Panting]
Look, Mr. Maroon.
I think my work here is finished.
How 'bout that carrot you owe me, huh?
- [Roger Whimpering]...
A deal's a deal.
- Great.
Thanks. Phew.
Roger.
I know all this seems pretty painful now.
But you'll find someone new.
Won't he, Mr. Valiant?
- Yeah, sure.
A good-looking guy like that?
[Laughing]...
The dames will be breakin' his door down.
Jessica's the only one for me.
You'll see.
We'll rise above this piddling peccadillo.
We're gonna be happy again. Got that?
Happy. Capital H-A-P-P-I.
[Glass Shattering,
Footsteps Receding]
Well, at least he took it well.
[Weeping]...
...[Moaning, Weeping]
Oh, Jessica.
Please tell me it's not true.
[Roger Crying]
P-P-Please.
## [Sentimental]...
...[Chuckling]...
...[Snoring]
- [Footsteps]...
...[Banging]
- [Gasping]
Oh, Lieutenant Santino.
Where'd you come from?
Gee whiz, Eddie.
If you needed money so bad.
So I took a couple
of dirty pictures. So kill me.
I already got a stiff on my hands, thank you.
Marvin Acme.
The rabbit kacked him last night.
- What?
[Tires Screeching,
Brakes Squealing]...
...[Laughter, Carnival Noises]
Now what?
It's just I haven't been
this close to Toontown for a while.
Yeeow.
Oof, oof, oof. Ow.
My biscuits are burnin'.
Fire in the hatch. Ow. Ooh.
Eee. Great horny toads, that smarts.
[Steam Hissing]...
...[Sighing]
Come on, Eddie.
Let's get this over with.
[Indistinct Murmuring]
He's with me.
I didn't see anything.
I mean, the worst of it...
Just like a toon to drop
a safe on a guy's head.
Sorry, Eddie.
You better wait here, all right?
You got a positive I.D.
On the victim?
[Police Muttering Indistinctly]
Hey, Chisold, get a load of this.
You seen one of these?
[Laughing]
- Hey, guys.
Didn't you used to be Eddie Valiant?
[Laughing]...
Or did you change your name
to Jack Daniels?
[Laughing, Chattering Continue]...
What's that?
- Paint from the rabbit's glove.
Mr. Valiant?
I hope you're proud of yourself
and those pictures you took.
[Men Whistling, Catcalling]...
Oh, for cryin' out loud, Mike.
- [Squeaking]
Hey, we need some help over here.
Hey, somebody grab those loafers.
Oh, oh. Oh.
[Shoes Squeaking,
Men Shouting]
Ow.
Is this man removing evidence
from the scene of a crime?
Uh, no, Judge Doom. Valiant
here was just pickin' it up for ya.
Weren't ya, Eddie?
Hand it over.
- Sure.
[Buzzing]
His number-one seller.
I see working for a toon
has rubbed off on you.
I wasn't workin' for a toon.
I was workin' for R.K. Maroon.
He told us the rabbit became
quite agitated when you
The rabbit said, one way or another,
he and his wife are going to be happy.
Is that true?
Hey, pal, do I look like a stenographer?
Shut your yap, Eddie.
The man's a judge.
That's all right, Lieutenant.
From the smell of him, I'd say
it was the booze talking.
No matter. The rabbit won't get far.
My men will find him.
[Siren Wailing,
Men Shouting]...
Weasels?
- Yes. I find they have
All right, ya mugs. Fall out.
[Doom] Did you find the rabbit?
Don't worry, Judge.
We got 'deformants' all over the city.
We'll find 'im.
- [Giggling Insanely]
You wouldn't have any idea
where the rabbit might be, Mr. Valiant?
Have you tried Walla Walla? Cucamonga?
I hear Kokomo's very nice
this time of the year.
I'm surprised you're not
more cooperative, Mr. Valiant.
A human has been murdered
by a toon. Don't you appreciate...
...[Squeaking]...
...[Squeaking]
Since I've had Toontown
under my jurisdiction,
my goal has been to reign in the insanity.
And the only way to do that
is to make toons respect...
...the law.
- [Shoe Squeaking]...
...[Squeaking Continues]...
...[Valiant Whispering]
How did that gargoyle
Spread a bunch of simoleons
around Toontown a couple of years back.
Bought the election.
- Yeah? What's that?
[Hissing]...
...[Santino] Remember how
they always thought there wasn't...
...[Valiant] Yeah.
- [Santino] Well, Doom found a way.
Turpentine, acetone, benzene.
He calls it 'The Dip.'
[Doom] I'll catch the rabbit, Mr. Valiant.
[Squeaking]
- And I'll try him, convict him...
...and execute him.
- [Whimpering]...
...[Shoe Whimpering,
Dip Hissing]
Geez.
[Weasel Giggling]...
...[Weasel Laughing]
That's one dead shoe, eh, Boss?
They're not kid gloves, Mr. Valiant.
This is how we handle things
down in Toontown.
I'd think you, of all people,
would appreciate that.
## [Pianist Playing Arpeggio]...
...[Off-Key Choir] # La, la, la, la...
...## [Piano, Singers Continue]
Uh... Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, wait a minute. Hey, hey.
# La, la, la, la la, la, la ##
I've been tryin' to make him quit,
but he just won't listen to me.
What do you know, ya dumb broad?
You got the I.Q. Of a rattle.
You Valiant?
- Yeah.
I want to talk to you
about the Acme murder. Hey, psst.
Doll, why don't you run downstairs
and get me a racin' form?
Ooh. Okay, okay. I'm goin'.
A ladies' man, huh?
My problem is I got a 50-year-old lust
and a three-year-old dinky.
Yeah. Must be tough.
- Look, the rabbit didn't kill Acme.
He's not a murderer. I should know.
He's a dear friend of mine.
I tell you, Valiant, the whole thing
stinks like yesterday's diapers.
Look at this. The paper
said Acme left no will.
That's a load of succotash.
Every toon knows Acme had a will.
He promised to leave
Toontown to us toons.
That will is the reason he got bumped off.
Has anybody ever seen this will?
Uh, no. But he gave us his solemn oath.
If you believe that that joker could do
anything solid, the gag's on you, pal.
I just figured, since you were the one
who got my pal in trouble,
you might want to help get him out.
I can pay ya.
Save your money for
a pair of elevator shoes.
Wait. No, Valiant, no.
Ow, my stogie.
Wah.
Wah.
Wah.
It ain't my fault the rabbit
got himself in trouble.
[Gasping]
All I did was take a couple of lousy pictures.
Baby was right.
The hell with it.
[Sighs]...
Aah.
- Aah.
How the hell did you get in here?
- Through the mail slot.
I thought it would be best
if I waited inside, seeing's
No kidding. Just talking
to you could get me a rap
Wait a minute.
Anybody know you're here?
Nobody. Not a soul, except, uh...
- Who?
Well, you see.
I didn't know where your office was.
So I asked a newsboy. He didn't know.
So I asked the fireman, the greengrocer,
the butcher, the baker.
They didn't know.
But the liquor store guy, he knew.
In other words, the whole
damn town knows you're here.
Come on. Come on.
- All right. Eddie.
Please, Eddie, don't throw me out.
You're making a big mistake.
I didn't kill anybody. I swear.
This whole thing's a setup,
a scam, a frame job. Ow.
Eddie, I could never hurt anybody. Ow.
My whole purpose...
in... life... is... to...
...make... people...
- [Grunting]...
Laugh.
- [Both Grunting]
Okay, okay, sure. I admit it.
I got a little steamed when you
showed me those pictures of Jessica.
[Eddie Growling]
- So I rushed
But she wasn't in her dressing room.
So I wrote her a love letter.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You're telling me, in a fit of jealousy,
you wrote your wife a love letter?
That's right. I know that she was
just an innocent victim of circumstance.
I suppose you used the old
lipstick-on-the-mirror routine, huh?
Lipstick, yes. Mirror, no.
I found a nice, clean piece
of paper.'Dear Jessica,
'How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways.
'One, one thousand.
Two, one thousand.
Four, one thousand. Five...'
- Why didn't you just
Obviously, a poem of this power
and sensitivity must... Aah...
...be read in person.
So I went home to wait for her.
But the weasels were
there waitin' for me. So... So I ran.
So why come to me? I'm the guy
that took the pictures of your wife.
Yeah. And you're also the guy
that helped all these toons.
Everybody knows when a toon's in
trouble, there's only one place to go:
Valiant and Valiant.
- Not any more.
Get outta that chair.
That's my brother's chair.
- Yeah, where is your brother, anyway?
He looks like a sensitive...
and sober... fellow.
That's it. I'm callin' the cops.
Go ahead. Call the cops.
I come here for help,
and what do you do?
You turn me in. No, no.
Don't feel guilty about me.
So long, and thanks for nothin'.
That's the closet. Stupe.
Eddie Valiant, you're under arrest.
[Babbling]
Get outta there.
Idiot. I got no keys for these cuffs.
- Huh?
[Siren Wailing]
- [Trembling]
Yah.
Come on. Get the lead out.
Move it, would ya? Move it.
- [Horns Honking]
Yah. It's the Toon Patrol.
Hide me, Eddie. P-P-Please.
[Grunting]...
Remember, you never saw me.
- Get outta there.
[Grunting]
- Don't let 'em find me.
Come on, Eddie.
You're my only hope.
[Weasel Knocking]
Open up in the name of the law.
P- P-Please, Eddie.
You know there's no justice...
...[Weasels Muttering]
- If the weasels get their hands on me.
I'm as good as Dipped.
Don't make us play rough, Valiant.
We just want the rabbit.
What're we gonna do, Eddie?
What're we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?
- [Knocking On Door]
What's all this 'we' stuff?
They just want the rabbit.
[Machine Gun Firing]...
...[Roger Gasping]
Looks like they gave us
the slip, huh, Boss?
Nah. Valiant's got him stashed somewhere.
## [Eddie Humming]
Hold it right there.
Hello, boys.
I didn't hear you come in.
Okay, wise guy.
Where's the rabbit?
- Haven't seen him.
[Sniffing] What's in there?
- My lingerie.
[Gasping] Geez, Valiant.
[Spluttering]...
...[Chuckling]
Search the place, boys.
And leave no stone 'interned.'
Look, Valiant, we got a reliable
tip-off the rabbit was here.
And it was 'corrugated' by several others.
[Glass Shattering]
- So cut the bull schtick.
You keep talkin' like that,
and I'm gonna have to...
...[Gasping]
- [Spluttering]...
...[Laughing]...
...[Laughing]
Stop that laughing.
Stop that laughin'.
You know what happens
when you can't stop laughin'.
One of these days,
you're gonna die laughin'.
As for you, Valiant, step outta line...
...and we'll hang you
and your laundry out to dry.
[Laughing]
Come on, boys.
Let's am-scray.
[Spluttering]
- They're gone.
Jeepers, Eddie, that was swell.
You saved my life.
How can I ever repay ya?
[Kissing]
Blecch. For starters,
don't ever kiss me again.
[Spitting]...
...[Muffled Shouting]
- Will you stop kickin' me?
[Shouting Continues]
- Stop kickin' me.
[Trolley Rumbling]
- Dolores.
Dolores. Dolores.
[Roger Shouting, Muffled]
Hey, Eddie, you made the front page today.
Yeah, I guess I made some ink.
- And what ink.
Come on, Eddie.
[Mumbling Indistinctly]
So tell me, Eddie,
is that a rabbit in your pocket,
or are you just happy to see me?
Cut the comedy, Dolores.
I've had a very hard day.
I gotta get outta these cuffs.
- Oh, swell.
Whew.
[Roger]
Jeepers, Eddie. That almost killed me.
Ow.
- Boy, what is this?
It's a rotgut room,
holdover from Prohibition.
Oh, I get it, a speakeasy.
A gin mill. A hooch parlor.
Tools are up here, Eddie.
- Look at this.
Aah.
- It's a spy hole.
Jeepers, Eddie, this'd be
a great place to hide.
Crazy toons. Oof.
- Watch your head.
I thought you said you'd never
take another toon case.
What'd you have, a change of heart?
- Nothin's changed.
Somebody's made a patsy outta
me, and I'm gonna find out why.
Hold still, will ya?
Does this help?
- Yeah, thanks.
Do you mean to tell me that
you could have taken your hand...
No, not at any time.
Only when it was funny.
Come on, Eddie. Where's
your sense of humor?
He always this funny, or only on days
when he's wanted for murder?
Listen. My 'silosophy' is this.
If you don't have a good sense
of humor, you're better off dead.
You just may get your wish unless
I can figure out what happened to this.
What is it, Eddie?
[Eddie] Just look at it.
Mr. Acme's will.
- Yeah.
And I think Maroon
played the part of sound mind,
Why, I resent that innuendo.
- What's the scheme, Eddie?
I don't think they got to the will.
- But how do you know?
Because they were still lookin'
for it after they killed him.
Anything I can do?
Maybe you could go downtown
and check the probate.
Yeah, check the probate.
Why, my Uncle Thumper had
a problem with his probate.
And he had to take these big
pills and drink lots of water.
Not prostate, you idiot. Probate.
Let me get this straight.
You think that my boss, R.K. Maroon,
dropped a safe on Marvin Acme's head...
...so that he could get
his hands on Toontown?
Yep.
That's my hunch.
Uh, can he stay here for a couple of days?
Not gonna do anything crazy, is he?
[Humming, Giggling]...
Where are you goin'?
- [Eddie] Back to the office.
Where are you goin'?
- [Eddie] Back to the office.
[Jessica] Mr. Valiant? Mr. Valiant?
[Toilet Flushes]
You've got the wrong idea
about me, Mr. Valiant.
I'm a pawn in this, just like Roger.
Can you help me find him?
Just name your price.
And I'll pay it.
Yeah. I'll bet you would.
You gotta have the rabbit
to make the scam work.
No, no, no. I love my husband.
You've got me all wrong.
You don't know how hard
it is being a woman...
...looking the way I do.
Yeah, well,
you don't know
how hard it is being a man...
...looking at a woman
looking the way you do.
I'm not bad.
I'm just drawn that way.
Weren't you the one I caught
playin' patty-cake with Old Man Acme?
You didn't catch me, Mr. Valiant.
You were set up to take those pictures.
What are you talkin' about?
- Maroon wanted to blackmail Acme.
I didn't want to have anything to do with it.
But he said, if I didn't pose
for those patty-cake pictures.
Roger would never work in this town
again. I couldn't let that happen.
I'd do anything for my husband, Mr. Valiant.
Anything.
- What a wife.
I'm desperate, Mr. Valiant.
Can't you see how much I need you?
[Clearing Throat]
Dabblin' in water colors, Eddie?
Well.
[Chuckles Nervously]
Sorry.
[Laughing]
Goodbye, Eddie.
My offer stands firm.
Think about it.
[Kissing]
Well.
Do you want to tell me what she was
doing with her arms around you?
Probably lookin' for a good place
to stick a knife.
Oh, come on, Eddie. I caught
you with your pants down.
Dolores, come...
Come on, Dolores.
You don't believe a painted hussy
She's just tryin' to get
her hands on the rabbit.
That's not all she's
trying to get her hands on.
Now look, Dolores, listen.
Listen to me.
Look, I want you to go out. I want you
to buy yourself a new swimsuit.
'Cause you and me are goin' to Catalina.
I'm on the verge of wrappin' up this case.
That's what I came to tell you.
I stopped by Probate.
Maroon's not after Toontown,
like you thought.
It's Cloverleaf that wants
to get their hands on Toontown.
And unless Mr. Acme's will shows up
by midnight tonight.
Cloverleaf is gonna own Toontown.
What? At midnight tonight?
That's right.
First they buy the Red Car.
Then they want to get...
I don't get it.
- Shh.
## [Piano, Singing]
- Roger.
[Giggling]
- The rabbit. Get the Judge.
# A joke Don't sit there on your brain #...
...[Laughing] Nice shirt.
Who's your tailor, Quasimodo?
# My buddy's Eddie V.
A sourpuss, you'll see #...
...# But when I'm done He'll need no gun...
...# C, D, E, F, G, H, I #...
...# I love to raise some Cain
Believe me, it's no strain #...
...# It feels so great to smash a plate #...
...# And look, there is no pain No pain #...
...# No pain No pain #
- Ow.
# No pain No pain...
...[Laughing]
- [Dolores] Oh.
Eddie, what are ya... Yah.
Hey, who turned out the lights?
I can't see a thing.
What's goin' on?
You crazy rabbit.
I've been out there riskin' my neck for you.
And what are you doin'?
Singin' and dancin'.
But I'm a toon. Toons are
supposed to make people laugh.
Sit down.
- You don't understand.
Yeah, and when they're done
laughing, they'll call the cops.
That guy, Angelo, would rat
on you for a nickel.
Not Angelo. He'd never turn me in.
Why? Because you made him laugh?
- That's right.
A laugh can be a very powerful thing.
Why, sometimes in life,
it's the only weapon we have.
Laughter is the most im...
- Shh.
[Alarm Buzzing]
- Lx-nay. Lx-nay.
I'm looking for a murderer.
[Laughing]...
...[Trolley Rumbling]
A rabbit.
A toon rabbit...
...about yea... big.
Look, there's no rabbit here.
So don't harass my customers.
I didn't come here to harass.
I came here to reward.
[Chalk Squeaking]...
...[Squeaking]
- [Gasping]...
...## [Whistling]
Hey. I seen a rabbit.
Where?
[Gasping]
- Ya see?
Where?
- He's right here in the bar.
Well, say hello, Harvey.
[All Laughing]...
...[Sighing] I told ya so.
'Merry-Go-Round Broke Down.'
Quite a loony selection for
a group of drunken reprobates.
[Clearing Throat]...
...[Sniffing]
He's here.
[Gulping]
- [Laughing]...
Stop that laughing.
- [Laughing]
Have you forgotten
what happened last time?
If you don't stop this laughing,
you're gonna end up dead,
just like your idiot hyena cousins.
Hey, Boss, you want we should
'disresemble' the place?
No, Sergeant.
Disassembling the place
won't be necessary.
The rabbit is going to come right to me.
## [Knocking,
'Shave And A Haircut']...
Gee.
- No toon...
...can resist the old
shave-and-a-haircut trick.
## [Knocking Continues]
- I don't know who's toonier,
[Moaning, Teeth Rattling]
- Roger.
Ro... Roger.
Roger, no.
- [Knocking]...
...[Eddie] Roger, don't. Roger.
# Shave and a haircut #...
...[Explosion]...
...# Two bits ##...
...[Gulping, Whimpering]
Hey, Judge, what should we do
with the wallflower?
We'll see to him later.
Right now, I feel like
dispensing some justice.
Bring me some Dip.
[Hissing]
- Aah.
[Knees Knocking,
Teeth Chattering]...
...[Groaning]
Does the Condemned have anything to
say before his sentence is carried out?
Why, yeah...
[Choking, Wheezing]
Wah.
Dolores, bourbon.
And make it a double.
Fine time for a drink, Eddie.
Maybe you'd like a bowl
of pretzels to go with it.
[Roger Groaning]
Hey, Judge?
Don't a dyin' rabbit deserve a last request?
Yeah. Nose plugs would be nice.
I think you want a drink.
[Whimpering]
- How 'bout it, Judge?
Well, why not?
I don't mind prolonging the execution.
Happy trails.
- No thanks, Eddie.
Drink the drink.
- But I don't want the drink.
He doesn't want the drink.
- He does.
You do. You do.
- I don't. I don't.
You do. You don't.
- I don't. I do.
You don't. You don't.
- I do.
Listen, when I say, 'I do,' that means I do.
[Explosion]...
...[Gurgling]
Aah.
Gotcha, kid.
Come on, Eddie,
let's get outta here.
Move it, pops. Yikes.
That was quick thinkin', Eddie.
Nothin' like usin' the ol' spine flower,
the wise noodle, the...
Roger. Let's use this.
- Yah.
Let's get outta here.
What're you waitin' for?
Hey, you weasels,
lemme outta here, will ya?
Come on, I gotta make a livin'.
- Benny, is that you?
[Benny] No, it's Eleanor Roosevelt.
Come on, Roger,
get me outta here.
Eddie, we got ourselves a ride.
Open the doors.
[Horn Honking]...
Whoo.
- Ahh, that's better.
I can't believe they locked me up
for drivin' on the sidewalk.
Come on, Eddie. Get in.
It was just a couple of miles.
I'll drive.
- But I wanna drive.
No, I'll drive. I'm the cab.
Outta my way, pencil-neck.
How about this weather, huh?
It never rains.
They sprung the cab. Let's go.
And how about those Brooklyn Dodgers?
Are they bums, or what?
Move over, I'm drivin'.
[Siren Wailing]
Benny, Eddie, we got company.
Would you look at these two...
Excuse me, ladies.
Now that's what I call
a couple of road hogs.
I'm gonna blow his head off.
- [Gunfire]
Benny, look out for the Red Car.
[Tires Screeching,
Brakes Squealing]...
...[Grunting]
- [Roger] Whoa.
[Roger] Benny, there's cops
Not for long, Roger.
Now they're right in front of us.
Eddie, we're goin' backwards.
Turn us around.
Gimme the wheel.
Gimme the wheel.
The cops are still on our tail.
I know the cops are on our tail.
What do you think I am, bli... Benny.
[Both Screaming]...
...[Laughing]
- Pull the lever.
Which one?
- Which one?
[Benny] 'Which one'?
- [Alarm Buzzing]
I'm gonna ram 'em.
Whoa.
[Benny] I'm gettin' too old for this.
Aah.
Jumpin' jeepers.
- Hey, Roger, what do you call
Gee, I don't know...
A bridge. Aah.
[Benny Laughing]
Well, fellas, where can I drop ya?
Somewhere we can hide.
- I got just the place.
And incidentally,
if you should ever need a ride.
Hey, share the road, will ya, lady?
Ah, now that wasn't so bad, was it?
[Laughing]...
...[Roger Laughing]
Boy, did you see that?
Nobody takes a wallop like Goofy.
What timing. What finesse.
What a genius.
[Laughing] Ouch.
We're supposed to be hiding.
What's wrong with you?
Ow. What's wrong with you?
You're the only person in this
theatre that isn't laughing.
Is there nothing that can
permeate your impervious puss?
Hey, Eddie.
[Gurgling]
Boy, nothin'.
What could have possibly
happened to you to turn you
You wanna know?
I'll tell you.
A toon killed my brother.
A toon? No.
That's right, a toon.
[Sighing]
We were investigating a robbery of the First
Back in those days, me and Teddy
liked workin' Toontown.
Thought it was a lot of laughs.
Anyway, this guy...
...got away with a zillion simoleons.
[Laughs]
We trailed him to a little dive
down on Yockster Street.
We went in.
Only he got the drop on us.
Literally.
Dropped a piano on us from 15 stories.
Broke my arm.
Teddy never made it.
I never did find out who that guy was.
All I remember was, he was
standin' over me, laughin',
with those burnin' red eyes...
...and that high, squeaky voice.
He disappeared into Toontown after that.
[Weeping] No wonder you hate me.
If a toon killed my brother,
I'd hate me too.
Come on, don't cry.
I don't hate ya.
Yes, you do.
- No, I don't.
You do hate me.
Otherwise you wouldn't have
yanked my ears all those times.
All right, I'm...
I'm sorry I yanked your ears.
All the times you yanked my ears?
All the times I yanked your ears.
Apology accepted.
Put 'er there, pal. I feel bet...
Oh, boy, I hope it's another cartoon.
## [Fanfare]
- Jeepers, another stupid newsreel.
I hate the news.
So you got all my stuff?
Yes. It's all packed up in the car outside.
Would have been here right after you
called, but I had to shake the weasels.
Yeah. I'm sorry about the trouble in the bar.
Well, hell, stuffing olives for a livin'
wasn't for me anyway.
Dolores?
[Newsreel Continues]
You ought to find yourself a good man.
But I already have a good man.
[Roger Sighing]
P-P-Please, don't mind me.
You better get going, Eddie.
[Announcer] A near miss.
But this miss says,
that's as good as a smile.
California Cloverleaf...
I'm glad Teddy's not here
to see me runnin' away...
...[Roger] It's not so bad...
...[Announcer]
The Pacific Red Car trolley line...
...and the venerated
Maroon Cartoon Studios.
Here R.K. Maroon is seen
clinching the deal...
...with Cloverleaf's bankers and execs...
...in one of the biggest real estate deals
ever in California history.
That's it.
- Three and a half
That's the connection.
[Roger] Let's forget it. There's nobody here.
Is that it, or are you scared?
P-P-Please. Me scared?
Don't be ridiculous.
When you called Maroon,
you told him you had the will.
But you don't. When he
finds out, he's gonna be mad.
He might try to kill ya.
I can handle a Hollywood cream puff.
I just don't want the odds to change.
You cover my back.
And if you hear or see anything,
beep the horn twice.
Yeah, that's it.
Beep the horn twice. Cover your back.
Boy, I'm ready. Dukes up, eyes peeled,
ears to the ground.
Why, nobody gets the drop
on Roger Rabbit.
[Gurgling]...
Aah.
- What's up, doc?
Valiant, what are you tryin' to do,
give me a heart attack?
You need a heart
before you can have an attack.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ya got the will?
- Sure.
I got the will.
Question is, do you have the way?
'Cause I can tell you now,
it ain't gonna come cheap.
You got a lot of brass,
coming up here by yourself.
Who said I'm here by myself?
Lemme see that will.
I told you I got it.
- I wanna see it now.
'How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways'?
This supposed to be a joke?
- No. This is.
[Spluttering]...
...[Groaning]
Get up. Come on.
[Panting]
What are you gonna do to me, Valiant?
I'm gonna listen to you spin
the Cloverleaf scenario,
the story of greed,
sex and murder.
And the parts that I don't like,
I'm gonna edit out.
You got it all wrong.
I'm a cartoon maker, not a murderer.
Everybody's gotta have a hobby.
- [Groaning]
Oh, stop it.
Stop it. Stop it.
The truth is, I had
a chance to sell my studio.
But Cloverleaf wouldn't buy my property
unless Acme sold 'em his.
The stubborn bastard wouldn't sell,
so I was gonna blackmail Acme with
pictures of him and the rabbit's wife.
Blackmail, that's all.
I've been around toons all my life.
I didn't want to see 'em destroyed.
- Toons destroyed?
Why?
- If I tell ya, I'm a dead man.
You're a dead man if you don't tell me.
- Unless Acme's will shows...
...by midnight tonight, Toontown's
gonna be land for the free...
...[Tires Screeching]
- Roger.
[Tires Screeching,
Horn Honking]...
...[Bell Ringing]...
...[Tires Screeching]...
...[Brakes Squealing]...
...[Snoring]...
What?
- What in Sam Hill?
Eddie Valiant.
Well, you're a sight for sore eyes.
I ain't seen you to nigh onto five years.
Drunk.
Feelin' frisky tonight, fellas?
Yeah.
[Chamber Clicks]
- Let's go.
[Whooping, Laughing]
- Yahoo.
[Grunting]...
...[War Cry]...
...[Engine Roaring,
Tires Screeching]...
...## [Suspenseful]...
...# Smile darn ya, smile #...
...# You know this old world
is a great world after all #...
...# Smile Darn ya, smile #...
...# And right away watch
Lady Luck pay you a call #...
...# Things are never
black as they are painted #...
...# Time for you and
joy to get acquainted ##
Hi, Eddie. Hi, Eddie.
Bye, Eddie.
[Explosion, Steam Hissing]...
...[Siren Wailing,
Horn Honking]
Tallyho. Tallyho.
[Laughing]...
...[Cacophony]...
...[Birds Chirping]
Get outta here.
[Buzzing]...
...[Crashing]
Going up, sir.
Yah.
Mind the step, sir.
Hold on, sir.
Yah.
Your floor, sir.
[Grunting]
- Have a good day, sir.
Ah. Gotcha.
A man.
[Kissing]
Yoo-hoo, lover-boy.
It's Lena Hyena.
Aah.
Oh, no.
Aah.
Oh, wook, piggies.
- Hi, Tweety.
This little piggy went to market.
This little piggy stayed home.
- No.
This little piggy had roast beef.
And this little piggy had...
- Aah.
Uh-oh. Ran outta piggies.
Yah.
[Chomping]
Eh, what's up, doc?
Jumpin' without a parachute?
Kinda dangerous, ain't it?
- Yeah.
Yeah, you could get killed.
[Laughing]...
Uh, Bugs does.
- Yeah?
Yeah, but I don't think you want it.
I do, I do. Give it to me.
- Gee.
Better let him have it, Bugs.
- Okay, doc.
Whatever you say. Here's the spare.
- Thank you.
[Grunting]
Aw, no. Ahh.
Aw, poor fella. Ha, ha.
- Yeah. Ain't I a stinker?
Aah.
My man. [Kissing]
- [Groaning]
Come to Lena.
[Giggling]
- [Grunting]...
...[Giggling] Ooh.
Toons. Gets 'em every time.
[Footsteps]...
...[Cat Meowing]...
...[Meowing Continues]...
...[Sneezes]...
Gesundheit.
- Thank you.
Valiant.
I always knew I'd get it in Toontown.
Behind you.
- [Moaning]...
Drop it, lady.
- I just saved your life,
I don't trust anybody or anything.
- Not even your own eyes?
That's the gun that killed R.K. Maroon.
Doom?
- I followed him to the studio.
[Doom] That's right.
You're dead. You're all dead.
- Doom.
Which way'd he go?
- Well, I don't know...
But... He went thataway.
- Let's go.
Dumdums. Yeah.
- Come on.
Oh, no. Where's Roger?
Roger? He chickened out
on me, back at the studio.
I hit him on the head with
a frying pan and put him in the
Makes perfect sense.
We're obviously not going
anywhere in my car. Let's take yours.
[Tires Screeching]
I got a feeling somebody already did.
From the looks of it,
I'd say it was Roger.
My honey-bunny was never
very good behind the wheel.
A better lover than a driver, huh?
- You'd better believe it, buster.
[Siren Wailing]
- Uh-oh. It's the weasels.
This way. We'll take Gingerbread Lane.
- No, wait.
No, no.
Gingerbread Lane's this way.
[Brakes Squealing]
- So Valiant, you call a cab, or what?
Hubba, hubba, hubba.
Allow me, madam-oiselle.
So how long have you known it was Doom?
Before poor Marvin Acme
was killed, he confided in me...
...that Doom wanted to get
his hands on Toontown, and...
So he gave you the will for safekeeping?
Except when I opened the envelope, there
was only a blank piece of paper inside.
Huh. A joker to the end.
- So where to, already?
My meters runnin'.
- I have to find my darling husband.
I'm so worried about him.
Seriously, what do you see in that guy?
[Tires Screeching]...
...[Dip Hissing]
- Aah.
Whoa, I've been Dipped.
[All Grunting]
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
What an unfortunate accident.
Nothing more treacherous
than a slippery road,
especially when driving
in a maniacal toon vehicle.
Good work, Boss.
- [Laughing]
Don't just stand there.
Help them.
Put them in my car.
- [Weasel] Follow me.
I think they'll enjoy attending
the ribbon cutting at the Acme factory.
[Weasel] Come on, you mugs.
[Thunder Rumbling]
We searched Valiant, Boss.
The will ain't on 'im.
Then frisk the woman.
I'll handle this one.
[Screaming, Shouting]...
Nice booby trap.
- [Shouting]...
...[Weasels Laughing]
Do they have the will, or not?
Nah, just this stupid love letter.
- No matter.
I doubt if that will is going to show up
in the next 15 minutes, anyway.
What happens in the next 15 minutes?
- Toontown will be legally mine,
lock, stock and barrel.
[Tires Screeching]
Benny, is that you?
No, it's Shirley Temple.
Ahh. Oh. Eee.
Jumpin' jeepers, what happened?
Doom grabbed your wife and Valiant
and took 'em to the Acme Factory.
The Acme Factory?
I know where that is. Get in.
Move over, Rog. You've done
enough drivin' for one night.
[Tires Screeching]...
Duh, Toontown right on the other
side of the wall, Boss.
You see, Mr. Valiant, the successful
conclusion of this case...
...draws the curtains on my career
as a jurist in Toontown.
I'm retiring to take a new role
in the private sector.
That wouldn't be Cloverleaf
Industries, by any chance, eh?
You're looking at the sole stockholder.
Benny, you go for the cops.
I'm gonna save my wife.
Be careful with that gun.
This ain't no cartoon, you know.
This is no way to make a livin'.
[Rattling]
Wouldn't you know, locked.
Whoa.
[Flushing]
Can you guess what this is?
Oh, my God, it's Dip.
That's right, my dear.
Enough to Dip Toontown
Vehicle of my own design.
Five thousand gallons of heated Dip...
...pumped at enormous velocity
through a pressurized water cannon.
Toontown will be erased
in a matter of minutes.
[Coughing, Wheezing]...
...[Jessica] I suppose you think
no one's going to notice
Who's got time to wonder
what happened to some...
...when you're driving
by at 75 miles an hour?
There's no road past Toontown.
- Not yet.
Several months ago, I had
the good providence to stumble upon...
...this plan of the City Council's,
a construction plan of epic proportions.
They are calling it a freeway.
- [Valiant] 'Freeway'?
What the hell's a freeway?
Eight lanes of shimmering cement
running from here to Pasadena.
Smooth, safe, fast.
Traffic jams will be a thing of the past.
So that's why you killed Acme
and Maroon? For this freeway?
I don't get it.
- Of course not. You lack vision.
I see a place where people
get on and off the freeway.
On and off, off and on,
all day, all night.
Soon, where Toontown
once stood, will be...
...a string of gas stations;
inexpensive motels;
restaurants that serve
rapidly prepared food;
tire salons;
automobile dealerships...
...and wonderful, wonderful billboards...
...reaching as far as the eye can see.
My God,
it'll be beautiful.
- Come on.
Nobody's gonna drive
this lousy freeway when they can
Oh, they'll drive. They'll have to.
You see, I bought the Red Car...
...so I could dismantle it.
[Rumbling]
- What the...
...[Screaming]...
Ay, caramba.
- Aah.
Okay, nobody move.
All right, weasels, grab some sky,
or I let the Judge have it.
You heard me. I said, drop it.
Roger, darling.
- Yes, it's me, my dearest.
I'd love to embrace you,
but first I have to satisfy...
Put the gun down,
you bucktoothed fool.
Gimme another excuse
to pump ya full of lead.
You thought you could get away
with it, didn't ya? Ha.
We toons may act idiotic,
but we're not stupid. We demand justice.
Why, the real meaning of the word
probably hits you like a ton of bricks.
Roger.
Roger, say something.
Look, stars.
Ready when you are, Raoul.
[Laughing]...
Tie the lovebirds together.
- [Machine Humming, Cranking]...
Tie the lovebirds together.
- [Machine Humming, Cranking]...
...[Weasels Muttering]
Put them up on that hook.
Use that escape-proof toon rope.
Time to kill the rabbit.
[Giggling]...
...[Machine Humming]
Oh, Roger, you were magnificent.
Was I really?
- Better than Goofy.
[Engine Revving]
Roger, darling, I want
you to know I love you.
I've loved you more than any woman's
ever loved a rabbit.
It's over, Mr. Valiant.
## [Whistling]...
...[Gasping]...
...[Weasels Laughing]...
Look out, you fools.
- Not... so... fast.
One of these days,
you idiots are gonna laugh
Shall I 'repose' of him right now, Boss?
Let him watch his toon friends
get Dipped. Then shoot him.
With pleasure.
[Laughing]
Everything's funny to you,
ain't it, needle-nose?
You got a problem with that, Valiant?
No.
I just, uh, want you to know somethin'
about the guy you're gonna Dip.
## [Calliope]...
...[Laughing Nervously]...
...# Now, Roger is his name
Laughter is his game #...
...# Come on, you dope Untie his rope...
...[Laughing]...
He's lost his mind.
- I don't think so.
[Laughter Continues]...
...# This singin' ain't my line
It's tough to make a rhyme #...
...# If I get stuck...
I'm outta luck, and... #...
...# I'm running out of time #
Thanks.
Aah.
## [Church Organ]...
...[Laughing, Choking]
- [Roger] Hey, Eddie, keep it up.
You're killin' 'em. You're slayin' 'em.
You're knockin' 'em dead.
# I'm through with takin' falls
I'm bouncin' off the walls #...
...# Without that gun I'd have some fun...
Nose.
- 'Nose'?
That don't rhyme with 'walls.'
No. But this does.
- [Screaming]...
...[Engine Rumbling]
Yikes. Oh, my goodness.
Jeepers, that was close.
- [Laughing, Screaming]
Bye-bye.
[Laughing]
Eddie, hurry.
It's coming back.
[Grunting]
Oh.
Oh, no.
- This is it.
No.
- This isn't it.
Whoa.
# Wicked witchcraft #...
...# And although #...
...# I know it's strictly taboo #...
...# When... ##
Don't move.
No. No.
[Grunting]...
...[Gasping]...
...[Grunting]...
...[Grunting]
Yah.
[Grunting]...
...[Roaring]
Oh, no.
[Grunting]
Come on, Eddie.
Quit playin' around.
No. Oh. No.
- Yah. P-p-please.
[Screaming]
I wasn't worried. Were you?
I wasn't worried. Were you?
[Screeching]...
...[Screaming, Gibbering]...
...[Jessica Retching]...
Eddie, look.
- Look.
[Springing Noise]
Holy smoke, he's a toon.
Surprised?
- Not really.
That lamebrain freeway idea
could only be cooked up by a toon.
Not just any toon.
[Hissing]...
...[Gasps]
- Remember me, Eddie?
When I killed your brother,
I talked...
...[Shrill Screeching] Just like this.
[Panting]
- Jumpin' jeepers. Oh.
[Grunting]...
Yikes.
- Oh, my goodness. Oh, no.
[Buzzing]...
...[Whimpering]
- [Buzzing]...
...[Panting]
- [Saw Buzzing]
Huh?
[Gasping, Shrieking]...
...[Jessica Gasping]
Goodbye, my darling. Goodbye.
[Screaming]
Oh. I think I'm gonna faint.
[Shrieking]
Oh, no. Oh, no.
I'm melting.
[Screeching]
I'm melting. Melting.
[Screeching] Oh, no.
[Hissing, Bubbling]...
...[Jessica Gasping]
- [Roger]
Hurry up, Eddie. Do something.
[Crashing]...
...[Birds Singing]...
...[Whistle Blowing]
Eddie, there's Dip everywhere.
How are we gonna get down?
[Grunting]
Jeepers, Eddie,
that was a close save.
I thought for sure our goose was cooked.
Oh.
My hero.
Oh, honey-bunny.
- Oh, love-cup.
[Kissing] Oh, Roger.
You were a pillar of strength.
[Siren Wailing]
Sister Mary Francis.
What the hell happened in here?
I've been a cab for 37 years,
and I've never seen a mess like this.
[Dolores] What was that, a rubber mask?
Yeah, and this is the rope from
the safe that was dropped on Acme.
I think your lab boys will find
that paint's a perfect match.
Judge Doom killed Marvin Acme.
And R.K. Maroon and my brother.
That's what I call one
seriously disturbed toon.
[Chattering]
Gosh, uh, I wonder who he really was.
I tell you one thing, doc.
He weren't no rabbit.
Or a dog.
- Or a little wooden boy.
Or a sheep.
- Or a woodpecker.
What's that? What is that?
- [Woody Laughing]
It's ink. That goof Acme squirted me
with some the other night.
Why it's comin' out now,
I don't know.
Acme Disappearing- Reappearing Ink.
Boy, that Acme. What a genius.
- Applesauce.
If he was such a genius,
why didn't he leave his will
Without it, were just waitin'
for another developer's wrecking ball.
Roger, that love letter
you wrote to your wife...
In the Ink and Paint Club... why
don't you read it to her now?
Sure, Eddie.
'Dear Jessica, How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways. I, Marvin Acme,
of sound mind and body...'
It's the will.
- Keep reading.
'Do hereby bequeath in perpetuity...
...the property known as Toontown to
those loveable characters, the toons'.
[Cheering]
Hey, Eddie, that was a pretty funny
dance you did for the weasels.
Do you think your days
of bein' a sourpuss are over?
Only time will tell.
Yeah, well, put it there, pal.
- Yeah.
[Buzzing]...
...[Gasping]
- [Gulps]
Don't tell me you lost
your sense of humor already.
[Gasps]
Does this answer your question?
[Kissing]...
Blech. Bleah.
- [Cheering]
Come on, Roger, let's go home.
I'll bake you a carrot cake.
[Laughing]...
...# Smile Darn ya, smile #...
...# You know this old world
is a great world after all #...
...# Smile Darn ya, smile #
- [Gunfire]...
...# And right away watch
Lady Luck pay you a call #...
...# Things are never
black as they are painted #...
...# Time for you and
joy to get acquainted ##
Okay, m-m-move along.
T-T-There's nothing else to see.
That's all, folks.
Hmm. I like the sound of that.
T-T-T-T-That's all, folks.
[Laughing]...
...## [Orchestra Music]...
...## [Jazz]...
...## [Orchestra Music]...
...## [Slow Jazz]...
...## [Orchestra Music]
## [Slow Jazz]
...## [Upbeat Theme]...
...[Baby Talk]...
Mommy's going to
the beauty parlor, darling.
But I'm leaving you with
your favorite friend, Roger.
He's going to take
very, very good care of you.
Because if he doesn't, he's
going back to the science lab.
P-P-Please, don't worry.
Whatever you say. Yes, ma'am.
Aye, aye, sir. Okeydokey.
Why, I'll take care of him
like he was my own brother.
Or my own sister. Ow.
Or my brother's sister.
Or my second cousin,
who is twice removed...
Or my ninth cousin, who is nine times
removed from his place outside.
Or like my fifteenth cousin,
who is sixteen times removed
Or like my twenty-second cousin,
who is thirty-seven times
removed from his father's side.
Who is 11 times removed...
...like my seventeenth cousin, who is
156 times removed from any side.
[Pots Crashing,
Glass Shattering]...
...[Horn Honking] Aah.
I'll save ya, Baby.
Cookie.
Don't burn yourself,
Baby Herman. Whoa.
[Spluttering] Whoa. Ah. W-Whoa.
Whoa. Wow.
Whoa.
Who turned out the lights?
Boy, it's dark in here.
Don't they pay their electricity?
What happened? I'll find ya,
Baby. Where are you?
[Giggling] Cookie.
- Where am I?
[Roger] What's that smoke?
[Baby Talk]...
...[Roger Yelping]
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
[Electricity Zapping]...
...[Gulping]
- Cookie.
[Steam Whistling] Wah.
Cookie.
[Giggling]
I'm here, Bab... Aah.
[Gulps]...
...[Baby Talk]...
...[Muffled Shouting]
Wah.
[Motor Humming]...
...[Groaning]
Cookie.
[Air Hissing]
Wah.
[Blubbering]...
...[Muffled Shouting]...
...[Grunting, Arms Creaking]
Cookie. Ahh.
[Tweeting]
- [Man] Cut.
[Bell Buzzing]
- [Man #2]...
...[Man] Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.
[Man's Voice] What the hell
was wrong with that take?
You were great. You were perfect.
You were better than perfect.
[Birds Tweeting]
- Just Roger.
Roger, what's this?
- A tweeting bird.
A tweeting bird?
## [Upbeat Theme]
- Read the script. Look what it says.
It says, 'Rabbit gets clunked.
Rabbit sees stars.'
[Mumbling Incoherently]
- Not birds, stars.
Can we lose the playback, please?
- ## [Music Stops]...
Roger, you're killin' me. Killin' me.
- For cryin' out loud, Roger.
How the hell many times
do we have to do this damn scene?
Raoul, I'll be in my trailer.
Takin' a nap.'Scuse me, Toots.
- [Woman Screams]
My stomach can't take this.
This set is a mess. Clean this set up.
And get him outta there or seal him up in it.
Lose the lights. And say lunch.
- [Man] Lunch.
[Bell Rings]
- That's lunch. We're on a half.
P-Please, Raoul, I can give you stars.
Just drop the refrigerator
on my head one more time.
Roger, I dropped it on your
head 23 times already.
I can take it.
Don't worry about me.
I'm not worried about you.
I'm worried about the refrigerator.
I can give you stars. Look.
- [Pan Banging]
Look. Look.
[Roger] Please, Raoul.
I can do it, I swear.
Just give me another chance.
- [Exhales]...
...[Roger Shouting]
- Toons.
Mr. Maroon, Mr. Valiant's here to...
...## [Upbeat Theme]
- He'll be right with you.
## [Music Continues]...
...[Bomb Exploding,
Music Stops]
No, no. Wait until he gets to his feet.
Then hit him with the boulder.
Right, R.K.
How much do you know about
show business, Mr. Valiant?
Only there's no business like it,
no business I know.
Yeah, and there's
no business more expensive.
I'm 25 grand over budget on
the latest Baby Herman cartoon.
You saw the rabbit blowin' his lines.
He can't keep his mind on his work.
You know why?
- One too many refrigerators
Nah, he's a toon. You can drop anything
on his head, he'll shake it off.
But break his heart, he goes
to pieces, just like you or me.
Read that.
'Seen Cooing over Calamari
with Not-So-New Sugar Daddy...
Was Jessica Rabbit, Wife of
Maroon Cartoon Star Roger.'
What's this got to do with me?
You're the private detective.
You figure it out.
Look, I don't have time for this.
Look, Valiant, his wife's poison, but he
thinks she's Betty Crocker.
I want you to follow her.
Get me a couple of nice, juicy pictures
I can wise the rabbit up with.
Forget it.
I don't work Toontown.
What's wrong with Toontown?
Every Joe loves Toontown.
'Cause I ain't goin'.
- Whoa, fella.
You don't want to go to Toontown,
you don't have to go to Toontown.
Nobody said you had
to go to Toontown anyway.
Have a seat, Valiant.
The rabbit's wife sings at a joint
called the Ink and Paint Club.
Toon revue.
Strictly humans only, okay?
So what do you think, Valiant?
Well?
The job's gonna cost ya a hundred bucks,
plus expenses.
- A hundred bucks? That's ridiculous.
So's the job.
- All right, all right.
You got your hundred bucks.
Have a drink, Eddie.
I don't mind if I do.
[Man] Careful, Dave.
Dave, you're gonna drop it.
[Dave] I'm not gonna drop it.
- [Man] You're dropping it.
Watch it.
- Oh, no, the chairs are out.
## ['Stars And Stripes Forever']
- [Men Shouting]...
...[High-Pitched Trumpeting]
- [Gasping]...
...[Thud]
Kinda jumpy, aren't ya, Valiant?
It's just Dumbo.
- I know who it is.
I got him on loan from Disney...
...him and half the cast of Fantasia.
The best part is,
they work for peanuts.
- [Dumbo Cooing]
Well, I don't work for peanuts.
Where's the other $50?
Let's call the other $50
a carrot to finish the job.
You been hangin' around rabbits too long.
Hmph.
[Croaking]...
...## ['The Sorcerer's Apprentice' Dukas]
W-Whoop. Whoop.
W-w-whoa.
[Crashing]
Oh, excuse me.
[Mooing]...
...[Man Screaming]
- Oh, oh, oh.
[Muttering]...
...[Bell Ringing]...
...[Bell Ringing]...
...[Chattering]
- Uh, taxi? Uh, cab?
[Laughing] Hi, there.
What do I look like, a bank?
[Bell Ringing]
Wait for me.
Hey, guys, wait up.
- [All Shouting] Come on, hurry up.
Come on, Sid.
- Hurry up.
Hey, mister, ain't ya got a car?
- Who needs a car in L. A?
We got the best public transportation
system in the world.
Come on, Frank.
Keep the line tight.
It's goin'.
- All right, easy, easy.
[Men Murmuring]...
So long, sir.
- See you later.
So long, mister.
- Thanks for the cigarettes.
You bet.
- Any time.
[Street Noises]...
Hi, Harry.
- Hi, Eddie. How's it goin'?
Okay. What you got for me?
- The usual bills.
[Laughing]
- Hey, gimme back my ball.
[Electricity Buzzing]...
Hi, Harry. You okay?
- Hi, Eddie.
[Trolley Rumbling]
What's with Earl?
Laid off?
A new outfit bought the Red Car.
Some big company called Cloverleaf.
No kiddin'. They bought the Red Car?
Yeah. Put the poor guy on
two weeks' notice. Cutbacks, they said.
[Sighing] Oh, well, Earl.
Here's to the pencil-pushers.
May they all get lead poisoning, eh?
Tomorrow's Friday, Eddie.
You know what happens here on Friday?
Fish Special?
- My boss checks the books on Friday.
And if I don't have that money
I gave you back in the till,
I'm gonna lose my job.
- Don't bust a button, Dolores.
You've only got one left.
Fifty bucks?
- Yeah.
Where's the rest?
Well, it's only a snoop job away.
Have you got that camera of yours?
Mine's in the shop.
- Wouldn't be the pawn shop
Aw, come on, Dolores. You need
the other $50, I need the camera.
[Bar Noises]
Any film in there?
Should be.
I haven't had that roll developed
since our trip to Catalina.
That sure was a long time ago.
Yeah, that was a long time ago.
We'll have to do that again sometime.
- Yeah, sure, Eddie.
[Trolley Rumbling]...
Paper even good?
- Just check the scrawl.
R.K. Maroon?
As in Maroon Cartoons?
[Man Laughing] Maroon Cartoons?
Hey, so who's your client.
Mr. Detective to the Stars?
[Chuckling] Chilly Willy?
Or Screwy Squirrel?
[Laughing, Imitating Squirrel]...
What do you want to drink?
- I'll take a beer, doll.
So what happened, huh?
Somebody kidnap Dinky Doodle?
[Dolores] Cut it out, Angelo.
Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute, I know.
You're workin' for Little Bo Peep.
She's lost her sheep, and you're
gonna help her find 'em. Eh?
[Chuckling]...
Ow.
- Get this straight, meatball.
I... don't... work for toons.
[Grunting]
So what's his problem?
Toon killed his brother.
- What?
Dropped a piano on his head.
[Trolley Rumbling]
- [Dog Barking]
Got the password?
'Walt sent me.'
[Bolt Rattling]...
...[Door Creaking]
- [Growling]...
Nice monkey suit.
- Wiseass.
[Growling]...
...## [Piano]...
...## [Hungarian Rhapsody No. 2,
Liszt]...
...[Crowd Laughing, Chattering]...
Hey, look at that.
- [Laughing]...
...[Pounding On Piano]
- [Quacking] Hey, cut it out.
Does anybody understand what
this duck is saying?
[Laughing]...
...[Woman] Hmm. Most amusing.
- A little more wine?
I've worked with a lot of wise-quackers,
[Lisping] But you are despicable.
[Donald] Doggone, stubborn nitwit.
That did it.
[Quacking Angrily]...
...[Daffy] This is the last time...
...with a speech impediment.
- Oh, yeah?
[Crashing]
- This means war.
## [Music Continues]...
...[Giggling]...
What, do you think that's funny?
- Oh, it's a panic.
You won't think it's funny
when I stick that pen up your nose.
Now calm down, son, will ya?
Look, the stain's gone.
It's disappearing ink.
No hard feelings, I hope.
Look, I'm...
- I know who you are.
Marvin Acme, the guy that owns
Toontown. The Gag King.
'If it's Acme, it's a gasser.' Put it there, pal.
[Buzzing]
- [Gasping]
The hand buzzer.
Still our biggest seller.
[Laughing]
- ## [Music Continues]
Scotch on the rocks.
And I mean, ice.
[Donald Quacking Angrily]
This is hot stuff.
Yeah.
- ## [Grand Finale]...
...[Cackling]
Woo-hoo. Woo-hoo.
[Laughing]...
...[Applauding, Cheering]
Hey, those ducks are funny.
They-They never get
to finish the act. [Laughing]...
Great. Thanks.
- Rocks.
Toons.
- Cigars? Cigarettes?
Eddie Valiant.
- Betty?
Long time no see.
What are you doing here?
- Work's been kinda slow
But I still got it, Eddie.
Boop boop be-doop, boop.
Yeah. You still got it.
- [Applauding]...
...[Applauding, Catcalling]...
What's with him?
- Mr. Acme never misses
Got a thing for rabbits, huh?
# You had plenty money #...
...# In 1922 #...
...# You let #...
...# Other women make a #...
...# Fool of you #...
...# Why don't ya do right #...
...# Like some other men #...
...# Do #...
...[Men Catcalling]...
...# Get outta here #...
She's married to Roger Rabbit?
- # Get me some money #...
...# Too #
- Yeah. What a lucky girl.
# Now, if you had prepared #...
...# Twenty years ago #...
...# You wouldn't be wanderin' now #...
...# From door to door #...
...# Why don't ya do right #...
...# Like some other men #...
...# Do #...
...# Get outta here #...
...# Get me some money too #...
...# Get outta here #...
...# Get me some money too #...
...# Why don't ya do right #...
...# Like some other men #...
...# Do ##...
...[Cheering, Whistling]...
...[Jessica] Who is it?
Jessica, dear, have no fear.
Your Marvin is here.
[Marvin] You sure murdered 'em
I really mean it.
My darling, you were superb.
You absolutely,
truly and honestly...
...fashmolyed that audience.
You killed them.
You slayed them.
You belted them. You were terrific.
- [Growling]
What do you think you're doing, chump?
Who are you callin' a chump, chimp?
[Growling]
Aah.
[Grunting]
And don't let me catch your peepin' face
around here again, got it?
Ooga-booga.
[Marvin] Come, my dear Jessica.
I've got everything arranged
right here on the bed.
[Jessica] Oh, not tonight, Marvin.
[Marvin] But Jessica, you promised.
[Jessica] Oh, all right.
But this time, take off that hand buzzer.
[Marvin] Patty-cake.
[Marvin] Patty-cake. Patty-cake.
- [Jessica] Oh. Marvin.
[Marvin] Patty-cake.
- [Jessica] Marvin.
[Marvin] Patty-cake. Patty-cake.
- [Jessica] Marvin. Oh.
[Marvin] Patty-cake. Patty-cake.
- [Jessica] Oh, Marvin.
Patty-cake. Patty-cake. Patty-cake.
- [Jessica] Oh, no, Marv...
Patty-cake. Patty-cake. Patty-cake.
- You gotta be kiddin' me.
Patty-cake, patty-cake?
[Crying] I don't believe it.
[Weeping]
Patty-cake. Patty-cake.
Is that true?
Take comfort, son.
You're not the first man whose...
...[Weeping]...
...[Loud Honking]
I just don't believe it.
I won't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I shan't believe it.
[Splashing]
- Believe it, kid.
She played patty-cake.
- [Trembling] No.
Not my Jessica. Not patty-cake.
This is impossible. I don't believe it.
It can't be. It can't be.
Jessica's my wife.
It's absolutely impossible.
Jessica's the light of my life.
The apple of my eye.
The cream in my coffee.
You better start drinkin' it black,
'cause Acme's takin' the cream now.
Hard to believe. Marvin Acme's been my
friend and neighbor for 30 years.
Who would've thought
he was a sugar daddy?
[Roger] Somebody musta made her do it.
Now drink this, son.
It'll make you feel better.
[Whimpering]...
...[Gulps, Sighs]...
...[Gurgling] Aah.
Aah.
[Horn Blowing]...
...[Glass Shattering]
Thanks. I needed that.
Son of a bitch.
[Panting]
Look, Mr. Maroon.
I think my work here is finished.
How 'bout that carrot you owe me, huh?
- [Roger Whimpering]...
A deal's a deal.
- Great.
Thanks. Phew.
Roger.
I know all this seems pretty painful now.
But you'll find someone new.
Won't he, Mr. Valiant?
- Yeah, sure.
A good-looking guy like that?
[Laughing]...
The dames will be breakin' his door down.
Jessica's the only one for me.
You'll see.
We'll rise above this piddling peccadillo.
We're gonna be happy again. Got that?
Happy. Capital H-A-P-P-I.
[Glass Shattering,
Footsteps Receding]
Well, at least he took it well.
[Weeping]...
...[Moaning, Weeping]
Oh, Jessica.
Please tell me it's not true.
[Roger Crying]
P-P-Please.
## [Sentimental]...
...[Chuckling]...
...[Snoring]
- [Footsteps]...
...[Banging]
- [Gasping]
Oh, Lieutenant Santino.
Where'd you come from?
Gee whiz, Eddie.
If you needed money so bad.
So I took a couple
of dirty pictures. So kill me.
I already got a stiff on my hands, thank you.
Marvin Acme.
The rabbit kacked him last night.
- What?
[Tires Screeching,
Brakes Squealing]...
...[Laughter, Carnival Noises]
Now what?
It's just I haven't been
this close to Toontown for a while.
Yeeow.
Oof, oof, oof. Ow.
My biscuits are burnin'.
Fire in the hatch. Ow. Ooh.
Eee. Great horny toads, that smarts.
[Steam Hissing]...
...[Sighing]
Come on, Eddie.
Let's get this over with.
[Indistinct Murmuring]
He's with me.
I didn't see anything.
I mean, the worst of it...
Just like a toon to drop
a safe on a guy's head.
Sorry, Eddie.
You better wait here, all right?
You got a positive I.D.
On the victim?
[Police Muttering Indistinctly]
Hey, Chisold, get a load of this.
You seen one of these?
[Laughing]
- Hey, guys.
Didn't you used to be Eddie Valiant?
[Laughing]...
Or did you change your name
to Jack Daniels?
[Laughing, Chattering Continue]...
What's that?
- Paint from the rabbit's glove.
Mr. Valiant?
I hope you're proud of yourself
and those pictures you took.
[Men Whistling, Catcalling]...
Oh, for cryin' out loud, Mike.
- [Squeaking]
Hey, we need some help over here.
Hey, somebody grab those loafers.
Oh, oh. Oh.
[Shoes Squeaking,
Men Shouting]
Ow.
Is this man removing evidence
from the scene of a crime?
Uh, no, Judge Doom. Valiant
here was just pickin' it up for ya.
Weren't ya, Eddie?
Hand it over.
- Sure.
[Buzzing]
His number-one seller.
I see working for a toon
has rubbed off on you.
I wasn't workin' for a toon.
I was workin' for R.K. Maroon.
He told us the rabbit became
quite agitated when you
The rabbit said, one way or another,
he and his wife are going to be happy.
Is that true?
Hey, pal, do I look like a stenographer?
Shut your yap, Eddie.
The man's a judge.
That's all right, Lieutenant.
From the smell of him, I'd say
it was the booze talking.
No matter. The rabbit won't get far.
My men will find him.
[Siren Wailing,
Men Shouting]...
Weasels?
- Yes. I find they have
All right, ya mugs. Fall out.
[Doom] Did you find the rabbit?
Don't worry, Judge.
We got 'deformants' all over the city.
We'll find 'im.
- [Giggling Insanely]
You wouldn't have any idea
where the rabbit might be, Mr. Valiant?
Have you tried Walla Walla? Cucamonga?
I hear Kokomo's very nice
this time of the year.
I'm surprised you're not
more cooperative, Mr. Valiant.
A human has been murdered
by a toon. Don't you appreciate...
...[Squeaking]...
...[Squeaking]
Since I've had Toontown
under my jurisdiction,
my goal has been to reign in the insanity.
And the only way to do that
is to make toons respect...
...the law.
- [Shoe Squeaking]...
...[Squeaking Continues]...
...[Valiant Whispering]
How did that gargoyle
Spread a bunch of simoleons
around Toontown a couple of years back.
Bought the election.
- Yeah? What's that?
[Hissing]...
...[Santino] Remember how
they always thought there wasn't...
...[Valiant] Yeah.
- [Santino] Well, Doom found a way.
Turpentine, acetone, benzene.
He calls it 'The Dip.'
[Doom] I'll catch the rabbit, Mr. Valiant.
[Squeaking]
- And I'll try him, convict him...
...and execute him.
- [Whimpering]...
...[Shoe Whimpering,
Dip Hissing]
Geez.
[Weasel Giggling]...
...[Weasel Laughing]
That's one dead shoe, eh, Boss?
They're not kid gloves, Mr. Valiant.
This is how we handle things
down in Toontown.
I'd think you, of all people,
would appreciate that.
## [Pianist Playing Arpeggio]...
...[Off-Key Choir] # La, la, la, la...
...## [Piano, Singers Continue]
Uh... Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, wait a minute. Hey, hey.
# La, la, la, la la, la, la ##
I've been tryin' to make him quit,
but he just won't listen to me.
What do you know, ya dumb broad?
You got the I.Q. Of a rattle.
You Valiant?
- Yeah.
I want to talk to you
about the Acme murder. Hey, psst.
Doll, why don't you run downstairs
and get me a racin' form?
Ooh. Okay, okay. I'm goin'.
A ladies' man, huh?
My problem is I got a 50-year-old lust
and a three-year-old dinky.
Yeah. Must be tough.
- Look, the rabbit didn't kill Acme.
He's not a murderer. I should know.
He's a dear friend of mine.
I tell you, Valiant, the whole thing
stinks like yesterday's diapers.
Look at this. The paper
said Acme left no will.
That's a load of succotash.
Every toon knows Acme had a will.
He promised to leave
Toontown to us toons.
That will is the reason he got bumped off.
Has anybody ever seen this will?
Uh, no. But he gave us his solemn oath.
If you believe that that joker could do
anything solid, the gag's on you, pal.
I just figured, since you were the one
who got my pal in trouble,
you might want to help get him out.
I can pay ya.
Save your money for
a pair of elevator shoes.
Wait. No, Valiant, no.
Ow, my stogie.
Wah.
Wah.
Wah.
It ain't my fault the rabbit
got himself in trouble.
[Gasping]
All I did was take a couple of lousy pictures.
Baby was right.
The hell with it.
[Sighs]...
Aah.
- Aah.
How the hell did you get in here?
- Through the mail slot.
I thought it would be best
if I waited inside, seeing's
No kidding. Just talking
to you could get me a rap
Wait a minute.
Anybody know you're here?
Nobody. Not a soul, except, uh...
- Who?
Well, you see.
I didn't know where your office was.
So I asked a newsboy. He didn't know.
So I asked the fireman, the greengrocer,
the butcher, the baker.
They didn't know.
But the liquor store guy, he knew.
In other words, the whole
damn town knows you're here.
Come on. Come on.
- All right. Eddie.
Please, Eddie, don't throw me out.
You're making a big mistake.
I didn't kill anybody. I swear.
This whole thing's a setup,
a scam, a frame job. Ow.
Eddie, I could never hurt anybody. Ow.
My whole purpose...
in... life... is... to...
...make... people...
- [Grunting]...
Laugh.
- [Both Grunting]
Okay, okay, sure. I admit it.
I got a little steamed when you
showed me those pictures of Jessica.
[Eddie Growling]
- So I rushed
But she wasn't in her dressing room.
So I wrote her a love letter.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You're telling me, in a fit of jealousy,
you wrote your wife a love letter?
That's right. I know that she was
just an innocent victim of circumstance.
I suppose you used the old
lipstick-on-the-mirror routine, huh?
Lipstick, yes. Mirror, no.
I found a nice, clean piece
of paper.'Dear Jessica,
'How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways.
'One, one thousand.
Two, one thousand.
Four, one thousand. Five...'
- Why didn't you just
Obviously, a poem of this power
and sensitivity must... Aah...
...be read in person.
So I went home to wait for her.
But the weasels were
there waitin' for me. So... So I ran.
So why come to me? I'm the guy
that took the pictures of your wife.
Yeah. And you're also the guy
that helped all these toons.
Everybody knows when a toon's in
trouble, there's only one place to go:
Valiant and Valiant.
- Not any more.
Get outta that chair.
That's my brother's chair.
- Yeah, where is your brother, anyway?
He looks like a sensitive...
and sober... fellow.
That's it. I'm callin' the cops.
Go ahead. Call the cops.
I come here for help,
and what do you do?
You turn me in. No, no.
Don't feel guilty about me.
So long, and thanks for nothin'.
That's the closet. Stupe.
Eddie Valiant, you're under arrest.
[Babbling]
Get outta there.
Idiot. I got no keys for these cuffs.
- Huh?
[Siren Wailing]
- [Trembling]
Yah.
Come on. Get the lead out.
Move it, would ya? Move it.
- [Horns Honking]
Yah. It's the Toon Patrol.
Hide me, Eddie. P-P-Please.
[Grunting]...
Remember, you never saw me.
- Get outta there.
[Grunting]
- Don't let 'em find me.
Come on, Eddie.
You're my only hope.
[Weasel Knocking]
Open up in the name of the law.
P- P-Please, Eddie.
You know there's no justice...
...[Weasels Muttering]
- If the weasels get their hands on me.
I'm as good as Dipped.
Don't make us play rough, Valiant.
We just want the rabbit.
What're we gonna do, Eddie?
What're we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?
- [Knocking On Door]
What's all this 'we' stuff?
They just want the rabbit.
[Machine Gun Firing]...
...[Roger Gasping]
Looks like they gave us
the slip, huh, Boss?
Nah. Valiant's got him stashed somewhere.
## [Eddie Humming]
Hold it right there.
Hello, boys.
I didn't hear you come in.
Okay, wise guy.
Where's the rabbit?
- Haven't seen him.
[Sniffing] What's in there?
- My lingerie.
[Gasping] Geez, Valiant.
[Spluttering]...
...[Chuckling]
Search the place, boys.
And leave no stone 'interned.'
Look, Valiant, we got a reliable
tip-off the rabbit was here.
And it was 'corrugated' by several others.
[Glass Shattering]
- So cut the bull schtick.
You keep talkin' like that,
and I'm gonna have to...
...[Gasping]
- [Spluttering]...
...[Laughing]...
...[Laughing]
Stop that laughing.
Stop that laughin'.
You know what happens
when you can't stop laughin'.
One of these days,
you're gonna die laughin'.
As for you, Valiant, step outta line...
...and we'll hang you
and your laundry out to dry.
[Laughing]
Come on, boys.
Let's am-scray.
[Spluttering]
- They're gone.
Jeepers, Eddie, that was swell.
You saved my life.
How can I ever repay ya?
[Kissing]
Blecch. For starters,
don't ever kiss me again.
[Spitting]...
...[Muffled Shouting]
- Will you stop kickin' me?
[Shouting Continues]
- Stop kickin' me.
[Trolley Rumbling]
- Dolores.
Dolores. Dolores.
[Roger Shouting, Muffled]
Hey, Eddie, you made the front page today.
Yeah, I guess I made some ink.
- And what ink.
Come on, Eddie.
[Mumbling Indistinctly]
So tell me, Eddie,
is that a rabbit in your pocket,
or are you just happy to see me?
Cut the comedy, Dolores.
I've had a very hard day.
I gotta get outta these cuffs.
- Oh, swell.
Whew.
[Roger]
Jeepers, Eddie. That almost killed me.
Ow.
- Boy, what is this?
It's a rotgut room,
holdover from Prohibition.
Oh, I get it, a speakeasy.
A gin mill. A hooch parlor.
Tools are up here, Eddie.
- Look at this.
Aah.
- It's a spy hole.
Jeepers, Eddie, this'd be
a great place to hide.
Crazy toons. Oof.
- Watch your head.
I thought you said you'd never
take another toon case.
What'd you have, a change of heart?
- Nothin's changed.
Somebody's made a patsy outta
me, and I'm gonna find out why.
Hold still, will ya?
Does this help?
- Yeah, thanks.
Do you mean to tell me that
you could have taken your hand...
No, not at any time.
Only when it was funny.
Come on, Eddie. Where's
your sense of humor?
He always this funny, or only on days
when he's wanted for murder?
Listen. My 'silosophy' is this.
If you don't have a good sense
of humor, you're better off dead.
You just may get your wish unless
I can figure out what happened to this.
What is it, Eddie?
[Eddie] Just look at it.
Mr. Acme's will.
- Yeah.
And I think Maroon
played the part of sound mind,
Why, I resent that innuendo.
- What's the scheme, Eddie?
I don't think they got to the will.
- But how do you know?
Because they were still lookin'
for it after they killed him.
Anything I can do?
Maybe you could go downtown
and check the probate.
Yeah, check the probate.
Why, my Uncle Thumper had
a problem with his probate.
And he had to take these big
pills and drink lots of water.
Not prostate, you idiot. Probate.
Let me get this straight.
You think that my boss, R.K. Maroon,
dropped a safe on Marvin Acme's head...
...so that he could get
his hands on Toontown?
Yep.
That's my hunch.
Uh, can he stay here for a couple of days?
Not gonna do anything crazy, is he?
[Humming, Giggling]...
Where are you goin'?
- [Eddie] Back to the office.
Where are you goin'?
- [Eddie] Back to the office.
[Jessica] Mr. Valiant? Mr. Valiant?
[Toilet Flushes]
You've got the wrong idea
about me, Mr. Valiant.
I'm a pawn in this, just like Roger.
Can you help me find him?
Just name your price.
And I'll pay it.
Yeah. I'll bet you would.
You gotta have the rabbit
to make the scam work.
No, no, no. I love my husband.
You've got me all wrong.
You don't know how hard
it is being a woman...
...looking the way I do.
Yeah, well,
you don't know
how hard it is being a man...
...looking at a woman
looking the way you do.
I'm not bad.
I'm just drawn that way.
Weren't you the one I caught
playin' patty-cake with Old Man Acme?
You didn't catch me, Mr. Valiant.
You were set up to take those pictures.
What are you talkin' about?
- Maroon wanted to blackmail Acme.
I didn't want to have anything to do with it.
But he said, if I didn't pose
for those patty-cake pictures.
Roger would never work in this town
again. I couldn't let that happen.
I'd do anything for my husband, Mr. Valiant.
Anything.
- What a wife.
I'm desperate, Mr. Valiant.
Can't you see how much I need you?
[Clearing Throat]
Dabblin' in water colors, Eddie?
Well.
[Chuckles Nervously]
Sorry.
[Laughing]
Goodbye, Eddie.
My offer stands firm.
Think about it.
[Kissing]
Well.
Do you want to tell me what she was
doing with her arms around you?
Probably lookin' for a good place
to stick a knife.
Oh, come on, Eddie. I caught
you with your pants down.
Dolores, come...
Come on, Dolores.
You don't believe a painted hussy
She's just tryin' to get
her hands on the rabbit.
That's not all she's
trying to get her hands on.
Now look, Dolores, listen.
Listen to me.
Look, I want you to go out. I want you
to buy yourself a new swimsuit.
'Cause you and me are goin' to Catalina.
I'm on the verge of wrappin' up this case.
That's what I came to tell you.
I stopped by Probate.
Maroon's not after Toontown,
like you thought.
It's Cloverleaf that wants
to get their hands on Toontown.
And unless Mr. Acme's will shows up
by midnight tonight.
Cloverleaf is gonna own Toontown.
What? At midnight tonight?
That's right.
First they buy the Red Car.
Then they want to get...
I don't get it.
- Shh.
## [Piano, Singing]
- Roger.
[Giggling]
- The rabbit. Get the Judge.
# A joke Don't sit there on your brain #...
...[Laughing] Nice shirt.
Who's your tailor, Quasimodo?
# My buddy's Eddie V.
A sourpuss, you'll see #...
...# But when I'm done He'll need no gun...
...# C, D, E, F, G, H, I #...
...# I love to raise some Cain
Believe me, it's no strain #...
...# It feels so great to smash a plate #...
...# And look, there is no pain No pain #...
...# No pain No pain #
- Ow.
# No pain No pain...
...[Laughing]
- [Dolores] Oh.
Eddie, what are ya... Yah.
Hey, who turned out the lights?
I can't see a thing.
What's goin' on?
You crazy rabbit.
I've been out there riskin' my neck for you.
And what are you doin'?
Singin' and dancin'.
But I'm a toon. Toons are
supposed to make people laugh.
Sit down.
- You don't understand.
Yeah, and when they're done
laughing, they'll call the cops.
That guy, Angelo, would rat
on you for a nickel.
Not Angelo. He'd never turn me in.
Why? Because you made him laugh?
- That's right.
A laugh can be a very powerful thing.
Why, sometimes in life,
it's the only weapon we have.
Laughter is the most im...
- Shh.
[Alarm Buzzing]
- Lx-nay. Lx-nay.
I'm looking for a murderer.
[Laughing]...
...[Trolley Rumbling]
A rabbit.
A toon rabbit...
...about yea... big.
Look, there's no rabbit here.
So don't harass my customers.
I didn't come here to harass.
I came here to reward.
[Chalk Squeaking]...
...[Squeaking]
- [Gasping]...
...## [Whistling]
Hey. I seen a rabbit.
Where?
[Gasping]
- Ya see?
Where?
- He's right here in the bar.
Well, say hello, Harvey.
[All Laughing]...
...[Sighing] I told ya so.
'Merry-Go-Round Broke Down.'
Quite a loony selection for
a group of drunken reprobates.
[Clearing Throat]...
...[Sniffing]
He's here.
[Gulping]
- [Laughing]...
Stop that laughing.
- [Laughing]
Have you forgotten
what happened last time?
If you don't stop this laughing,
you're gonna end up dead,
just like your idiot hyena cousins.
Hey, Boss, you want we should
'disresemble' the place?
No, Sergeant.
Disassembling the place
won't be necessary.
The rabbit is going to come right to me.
## [Knocking,
'Shave And A Haircut']...
Gee.
- No toon...
...can resist the old
shave-and-a-haircut trick.
## [Knocking Continues]
- I don't know who's toonier,
[Moaning, Teeth Rattling]
- Roger.
Ro... Roger.
Roger, no.
- [Knocking]...
...[Eddie] Roger, don't. Roger.
# Shave and a haircut #...
...[Explosion]...
...# Two bits ##...
...[Gulping, Whimpering]
Hey, Judge, what should we do
with the wallflower?
We'll see to him later.
Right now, I feel like
dispensing some justice.
Bring me some Dip.
[Hissing]
- Aah.
[Knees Knocking,
Teeth Chattering]...
...[Groaning]
Does the Condemned have anything to
say before his sentence is carried out?
Why, yeah...
[Choking, Wheezing]
Wah.
Dolores, bourbon.
And make it a double.
Fine time for a drink, Eddie.
Maybe you'd like a bowl
of pretzels to go with it.
[Roger Groaning]
Hey, Judge?
Don't a dyin' rabbit deserve a last request?
Yeah. Nose plugs would be nice.
I think you want a drink.
[Whimpering]
- How 'bout it, Judge?
Well, why not?
I don't mind prolonging the execution.
Happy trails.
- No thanks, Eddie.
Drink the drink.
- But I don't want the drink.
He doesn't want the drink.
- He does.
You do. You do.
- I don't. I don't.
You do. You don't.
- I don't. I do.
You don't. You don't.
- I do.
Listen, when I say, 'I do,' that means I do.
[Explosion]...
...[Gurgling]
Aah.
Gotcha, kid.
Come on, Eddie,
let's get outta here.
Move it, pops. Yikes.
That was quick thinkin', Eddie.
Nothin' like usin' the ol' spine flower,
the wise noodle, the...
Roger. Let's use this.
- Yah.
Let's get outta here.
What're you waitin' for?
Hey, you weasels,
lemme outta here, will ya?
Come on, I gotta make a livin'.
- Benny, is that you?
[Benny] No, it's Eleanor Roosevelt.
Come on, Roger,
get me outta here.
Eddie, we got ourselves a ride.
Open the doors.
[Horn Honking]...
Whoo.
- Ahh, that's better.
I can't believe they locked me up
for drivin' on the sidewalk.
Come on, Eddie. Get in.
It was just a couple of miles.
I'll drive.
- But I wanna drive.
No, I'll drive. I'm the cab.
Outta my way, pencil-neck.
How about this weather, huh?
It never rains.
They sprung the cab. Let's go.
And how about those Brooklyn Dodgers?
Are they bums, or what?
Move over, I'm drivin'.
[Siren Wailing]
Benny, Eddie, we got company.
Would you look at these two...
Excuse me, ladies.
Now that's what I call
a couple of road hogs.
I'm gonna blow his head off.
- [Gunfire]
Benny, look out for the Red Car.
[Tires Screeching,
Brakes Squealing]...
...[Grunting]
- [Roger] Whoa.
[Roger] Benny, there's cops
Not for long, Roger.
Now they're right in front of us.
Eddie, we're goin' backwards.
Turn us around.
Gimme the wheel.
Gimme the wheel.
The cops are still on our tail.
I know the cops are on our tail.
What do you think I am, bli... Benny.
[Both Screaming]...
...[Laughing]
- Pull the lever.
Which one?
- Which one?
[Benny] 'Which one'?
- [Alarm Buzzing]
I'm gonna ram 'em.
Whoa.
[Benny] I'm gettin' too old for this.
Aah.
Jumpin' jeepers.
- Hey, Roger, what do you call
Gee, I don't know...
A bridge. Aah.
[Benny Laughing]
Well, fellas, where can I drop ya?
Somewhere we can hide.
- I got just the place.
And incidentally,
if you should ever need a ride.
Hey, share the road, will ya, lady?
Ah, now that wasn't so bad, was it?
[Laughing]...
...[Roger Laughing]
Boy, did you see that?
Nobody takes a wallop like Goofy.
What timing. What finesse.
What a genius.
[Laughing] Ouch.
We're supposed to be hiding.
What's wrong with you?
Ow. What's wrong with you?
You're the only person in this
theatre that isn't laughing.
Is there nothing that can
permeate your impervious puss?
Hey, Eddie.
[Gurgling]
Boy, nothin'.
What could have possibly
happened to you to turn you
You wanna know?
I'll tell you.
A toon killed my brother.
A toon? No.
That's right, a toon.
[Sighing]
We were investigating a robbery of the First
Back in those days, me and Teddy
liked workin' Toontown.
Thought it was a lot of laughs.
Anyway, this guy...
...got away with a zillion simoleons.
[Laughs]
We trailed him to a little dive
down on Yockster Street.
We went in.
Only he got the drop on us.
Literally.
Dropped a piano on us from 15 stories.
Broke my arm.
Teddy never made it.
I never did find out who that guy was.
All I remember was, he was
standin' over me, laughin',
with those burnin' red eyes...
...and that high, squeaky voice.
He disappeared into Toontown after that.
[Weeping] No wonder you hate me.
If a toon killed my brother,
I'd hate me too.
Come on, don't cry.
I don't hate ya.
Yes, you do.
- No, I don't.
You do hate me.
Otherwise you wouldn't have
yanked my ears all those times.
All right, I'm...
I'm sorry I yanked your ears.
All the times you yanked my ears?
All the times I yanked your ears.
Apology accepted.
Put 'er there, pal. I feel bet...
Oh, boy, I hope it's another cartoon.
## [Fanfare]
- Jeepers, another stupid newsreel.
I hate the news.
So you got all my stuff?
Yes. It's all packed up in the car outside.
Would have been here right after you
called, but I had to shake the weasels.
Yeah. I'm sorry about the trouble in the bar.
Well, hell, stuffing olives for a livin'
wasn't for me anyway.
Dolores?
[Newsreel Continues]
You ought to find yourself a good man.
But I already have a good man.
[Roger Sighing]
P-P-Please, don't mind me.
You better get going, Eddie.
[Announcer] A near miss.
But this miss says,
that's as good as a smile.
California Cloverleaf...
I'm glad Teddy's not here
to see me runnin' away...
...[Roger] It's not so bad...
...[Announcer]
The Pacific Red Car trolley line...
...and the venerated
Maroon Cartoon Studios.
Here R.K. Maroon is seen
clinching the deal...
...with Cloverleaf's bankers and execs...
...in one of the biggest real estate deals
ever in California history.
That's it.
- Three and a half
That's the connection.
[Roger] Let's forget it. There's nobody here.
Is that it, or are you scared?
P-P-Please. Me scared?
Don't be ridiculous.
When you called Maroon,
you told him you had the will.
But you don't. When he
finds out, he's gonna be mad.
He might try to kill ya.
I can handle a Hollywood cream puff.
I just don't want the odds to change.
You cover my back.
And if you hear or see anything,
beep the horn twice.
Yeah, that's it.
Beep the horn twice. Cover your back.
Boy, I'm ready. Dukes up, eyes peeled,
ears to the ground.
Why, nobody gets the drop
on Roger Rabbit.
[Gurgling]...
Aah.
- What's up, doc?
Valiant, what are you tryin' to do,
give me a heart attack?
You need a heart
before you can have an attack.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ya got the will?
- Sure.
I got the will.
Question is, do you have the way?
'Cause I can tell you now,
it ain't gonna come cheap.
You got a lot of brass,
coming up here by yourself.
Who said I'm here by myself?
Lemme see that will.
I told you I got it.
- I wanna see it now.
'How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways'?
This supposed to be a joke?
- No. This is.
[Spluttering]...
...[Groaning]
Get up. Come on.
[Panting]
What are you gonna do to me, Valiant?
I'm gonna listen to you spin
the Cloverleaf scenario,
the story of greed,
sex and murder.
And the parts that I don't like,
I'm gonna edit out.
You got it all wrong.
I'm a cartoon maker, not a murderer.
Everybody's gotta have a hobby.
- [Groaning]
Oh, stop it.
Stop it. Stop it.
The truth is, I had
a chance to sell my studio.
But Cloverleaf wouldn't buy my property
unless Acme sold 'em his.
The stubborn bastard wouldn't sell,
so I was gonna blackmail Acme with
pictures of him and the rabbit's wife.
Blackmail, that's all.
I've been around toons all my life.
I didn't want to see 'em destroyed.
- Toons destroyed?
Why?
- If I tell ya, I'm a dead man.
You're a dead man if you don't tell me.
- Unless Acme's will shows...
...by midnight tonight, Toontown's
gonna be land for the free...
...[Tires Screeching]
- Roger.
[Tires Screeching,
Horn Honking]...
...[Bell Ringing]...
...[Tires Screeching]...
...[Brakes Squealing]...
...[Snoring]...
What?
- What in Sam Hill?
Eddie Valiant.
Well, you're a sight for sore eyes.
I ain't seen you to nigh onto five years.
Drunk.
Feelin' frisky tonight, fellas?
Yeah.
[Chamber Clicks]
- Let's go.
[Whooping, Laughing]
- Yahoo.
[Grunting]...
...[War Cry]...
...[Engine Roaring,
Tires Screeching]...
...## [Suspenseful]...
...# Smile darn ya, smile #...
...# You know this old world
is a great world after all #...
...# Smile Darn ya, smile #...
...# And right away watch
Lady Luck pay you a call #...
...# Things are never
black as they are painted #...
...# Time for you and
joy to get acquainted ##
Hi, Eddie. Hi, Eddie.
Bye, Eddie.
[Explosion, Steam Hissing]...
...[Siren Wailing,
Horn Honking]
Tallyho. Tallyho.
[Laughing]...
...[Cacophony]...
...[Birds Chirping]
Get outta here.
[Buzzing]...
...[Crashing]
Going up, sir.
Yah.
Mind the step, sir.
Hold on, sir.
Yah.
Your floor, sir.
[Grunting]
- Have a good day, sir.
Ah. Gotcha.
A man.
[Kissing]
Yoo-hoo, lover-boy.
It's Lena Hyena.
Aah.
Oh, no.
Aah.
Oh, wook, piggies.
- Hi, Tweety.
This little piggy went to market.
This little piggy stayed home.
- No.
This little piggy had roast beef.
And this little piggy had...
- Aah.
Uh-oh. Ran outta piggies.
Yah.
[Chomping]
Eh, what's up, doc?
Jumpin' without a parachute?
Kinda dangerous, ain't it?
- Yeah.
Yeah, you could get killed.
[Laughing]...
Uh, Bugs does.
- Yeah?
Yeah, but I don't think you want it.
I do, I do. Give it to me.
- Gee.
Better let him have it, Bugs.
- Okay, doc.
Whatever you say. Here's the spare.
- Thank you.
[Grunting]
Aw, no. Ahh.
Aw, poor fella. Ha, ha.
- Yeah. Ain't I a stinker?
Aah.
My man. [Kissing]
- [Groaning]
Come to Lena.
[Giggling]
- [Grunting]...
...[Giggling] Ooh.
Toons. Gets 'em every time.
[Footsteps]...
...[Cat Meowing]...
...[Meowing Continues]...
...[Sneezes]...
Gesundheit.
- Thank you.
Valiant.
I always knew I'd get it in Toontown.
Behind you.
- [Moaning]...
Drop it, lady.
- I just saved your life,
I don't trust anybody or anything.
- Not even your own eyes?
That's the gun that killed R.K. Maroon.
Doom?
- I followed him to the studio.
[Doom] That's right.
You're dead. You're all dead.
- Doom.
Which way'd he go?
- Well, I don't know...
But... He went thataway.
- Let's go.
Dumdums. Yeah.
- Come on.
Oh, no. Where's Roger?
Roger? He chickened out
on me, back at the studio.
I hit him on the head with
a frying pan and put him in the
Makes perfect sense.
We're obviously not going
anywhere in my car. Let's take yours.
[Tires Screeching]
I got a feeling somebody already did.
From the looks of it,
I'd say it was Roger.
My honey-bunny was never
very good behind the wheel.
A better lover than a driver, huh?
- You'd better believe it, buster.
[Siren Wailing]
- Uh-oh. It's the weasels.
This way. We'll take Gingerbread Lane.
- No, wait.
No, no.
Gingerbread Lane's this way.
[Brakes Squealing]
- So Valiant, you call a cab, or what?
Hubba, hubba, hubba.
Allow me, madam-oiselle.
So how long have you known it was Doom?
Before poor Marvin Acme
was killed, he confided in me...
...that Doom wanted to get
his hands on Toontown, and...
So he gave you the will for safekeeping?
Except when I opened the envelope, there
was only a blank piece of paper inside.
Huh. A joker to the end.
- So where to, already?
My meters runnin'.
- I have to find my darling husband.
I'm so worried about him.
Seriously, what do you see in that guy?
[Tires Screeching]...
...[Dip Hissing]
- Aah.
Whoa, I've been Dipped.
[All Grunting]
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
What an unfortunate accident.
Nothing more treacherous
than a slippery road,
especially when driving
in a maniacal toon vehicle.
Good work, Boss.
- [Laughing]
Don't just stand there.
Help them.
Put them in my car.
- [Weasel] Follow me.
I think they'll enjoy attending
the ribbon cutting at the Acme factory.
[Weasel] Come on, you mugs.
[Thunder Rumbling]
We searched Valiant, Boss.
The will ain't on 'im.
Then frisk the woman.
I'll handle this one.
[Screaming, Shouting]...
Nice booby trap.
- [Shouting]...
...[Weasels Laughing]
Do they have the will, or not?
Nah, just this stupid love letter.
- No matter.
I doubt if that will is going to show up
in the next 15 minutes, anyway.
What happens in the next 15 minutes?
- Toontown will be legally mine,
lock, stock and barrel.
[Tires Screeching]
Benny, is that you?
No, it's Shirley Temple.
Ahh. Oh. Eee.
Jumpin' jeepers, what happened?
Doom grabbed your wife and Valiant
and took 'em to the Acme Factory.
The Acme Factory?
I know where that is. Get in.
Move over, Rog. You've done
enough drivin' for one night.
[Tires Screeching]...
Duh, Toontown right on the other
side of the wall, Boss.
You see, Mr. Valiant, the successful
conclusion of this case...
...draws the curtains on my career
as a jurist in Toontown.
I'm retiring to take a new role
in the private sector.
That wouldn't be Cloverleaf
Industries, by any chance, eh?
You're looking at the sole stockholder.
Benny, you go for the cops.
I'm gonna save my wife.
Be careful with that gun.
This ain't no cartoon, you know.
This is no way to make a livin'.
[Rattling]
Wouldn't you know, locked.
Whoa.
[Flushing]
Can you guess what this is?
Oh, my God, it's Dip.
That's right, my dear.
Enough to Dip Toontown
Vehicle of my own design.
Five thousand gallons of heated Dip...
...pumped at enormous velocity
through a pressurized water cannon.
Toontown will be erased
in a matter of minutes.
[Coughing, Wheezing]...
...[Jessica] I suppose you think
no one's going to notice
Who's got time to wonder
what happened to some...
...when you're driving
by at 75 miles an hour?
There's no road past Toontown.
- Not yet.
Several months ago, I had
the good providence to stumble upon...
...this plan of the City Council's,
a construction plan of epic proportions.
They are calling it a freeway.
- [Valiant] 'Freeway'?
What the hell's a freeway?
Eight lanes of shimmering cement
running from here to Pasadena.
Smooth, safe, fast.
Traffic jams will be a thing of the past.
So that's why you killed Acme
and Maroon? For this freeway?
I don't get it.
- Of course not. You lack vision.
I see a place where people
get on and off the freeway.
On and off, off and on,
all day, all night.
Soon, where Toontown
once stood, will be...
...a string of gas stations;
inexpensive motels;
restaurants that serve
rapidly prepared food;
tire salons;
automobile dealerships...
...and wonderful, wonderful billboards...
...reaching as far as the eye can see.
My God,
it'll be beautiful.
- Come on.
Nobody's gonna drive
this lousy freeway when they can
Oh, they'll drive. They'll have to.
You see, I bought the Red Car...
...so I could dismantle it.
[Rumbling]
- What the...
...[Screaming]...
Ay, caramba.
- Aah.
Okay, nobody move.
All right, weasels, grab some sky,
or I let the Judge have it.
You heard me. I said, drop it.
Roger, darling.
- Yes, it's me, my dearest.
I'd love to embrace you,
but first I have to satisfy...
Put the gun down,
you bucktoothed fool.
Gimme another excuse
to pump ya full of lead.
You thought you could get away
with it, didn't ya? Ha.
We toons may act idiotic,
but we're not stupid. We demand justice.
Why, the real meaning of the word
probably hits you like a ton of bricks.
Roger.
Roger, say something.
Look, stars.
Ready when you are, Raoul.
[Laughing]...
Tie the lovebirds together.
- [Machine Humming, Cranking]...
Tie the lovebirds together.
- [Machine Humming, Cranking]...
...[Weasels Muttering]
Put them up on that hook.
Use that escape-proof toon rope.
Time to kill the rabbit.
[Giggling]...
...[Machine Humming]
Oh, Roger, you were magnificent.
Was I really?
- Better than Goofy.
[Engine Revving]
Roger, darling, I want
you to know I love you.
I've loved you more than any woman's
ever loved a rabbit.
It's over, Mr. Valiant.
## [Whistling]...
...[Gasping]...
...[Weasels Laughing]...
Look out, you fools.
- Not... so... fast.
One of these days,
you idiots are gonna laugh
Shall I 'repose' of him right now, Boss?
Let him watch his toon friends
get Dipped. Then shoot him.
With pleasure.
[Laughing]
Everything's funny to you,
ain't it, needle-nose?
You got a problem with that, Valiant?
No.
I just, uh, want you to know somethin'
about the guy you're gonna Dip.
## [Calliope]...
...[Laughing Nervously]...
...# Now, Roger is his name
Laughter is his game #...
...# Come on, you dope Untie his rope...
...[Laughing]...
He's lost his mind.
- I don't think so.
[Laughter Continues]...
...# This singin' ain't my line
It's tough to make a rhyme #...
...# If I get stuck...
I'm outta luck, and... #...
...# I'm running out of time #
Thanks.
Aah.
## [Church Organ]...
...[Laughing, Choking]
- [Roger] Hey, Eddie, keep it up.
You're killin' 'em. You're slayin' 'em.
You're knockin' 'em dead.
# I'm through with takin' falls
I'm bouncin' off the walls #...
...# Without that gun I'd have some fun...
Nose.
- 'Nose'?
That don't rhyme with 'walls.'
No. But this does.
- [Screaming]...
...[Engine Rumbling]
Yikes. Oh, my goodness.
Jeepers, that was close.
- [Laughing, Screaming]
Bye-bye.
[Laughing]
Eddie, hurry.
It's coming back.
[Grunting]
Oh.
Oh, no.
- This is it.
No.
- This isn't it.
Whoa.
# Wicked witchcraft #...
...# And although #...
...# I know it's strictly taboo #...
...# When... ##
Don't move.
No. No.
[Grunting]...
...[Gasping]...
...[Grunting]...
...[Grunting]
Yah.
[Grunting]...
...[Roaring]
Oh, no.
[Grunting]
Come on, Eddie.
Quit playin' around.
No. Oh. No.
- Yah. P-p-please.
[Screaming]
I wasn't worried. Were you?
I wasn't worried. Were you?
[Screeching]...
...[Screaming, Gibbering]...
...[Jessica Retching]...
Eddie, look.
- Look.
[Springing Noise]
Holy smoke, he's a toon.
Surprised?
- Not really.
That lamebrain freeway idea
could only be cooked up by a toon.
Not just any toon.
[Hissing]...
...[Gasps]
- Remember me, Eddie?
When I killed your brother,
I talked...
...[Shrill Screeching] Just like this.
[Panting]
- Jumpin' jeepers. Oh.
[Grunting]...
Yikes.
- Oh, my goodness. Oh, no.
[Buzzing]...
...[Whimpering]
- [Buzzing]...
...[Panting]
- [Saw Buzzing]
Huh?
[Gasping, Shrieking]...
...[Jessica Gasping]
Goodbye, my darling. Goodbye.
[Screaming]
Oh. I think I'm gonna faint.
[Shrieking]
Oh, no. Oh, no.
I'm melting.
[Screeching]
I'm melting. Melting.
[Screeching] Oh, no.
[Hissing, Bubbling]...
...[Jessica Gasping]
- [Roger]
Hurry up, Eddie. Do something.
[Crashing]...
...[Birds Singing]...
...[Whistle Blowing]
Eddie, there's Dip everywhere.
How are we gonna get down?
[Grunting]
Jeepers, Eddie,
that was a close save.
I thought for sure our goose was cooked.
Oh.
My hero.
Oh, honey-bunny.
- Oh, love-cup.
[Kissing] Oh, Roger.
You were a pillar of strength.
[Siren Wailing]
Sister Mary Francis.
What the hell happened in here?
I've been a cab for 37 years,
and I've never seen a mess like this.
[Dolores] What was that, a rubber mask?
Yeah, and this is the rope from
the safe that was dropped on Acme.
I think your lab boys will find
that paint's a perfect match.
Judge Doom killed Marvin Acme.
And R.K. Maroon and my brother.
That's what I call one
seriously disturbed toon.
[Chattering]
Gosh, uh, I wonder who he really was.
I tell you one thing, doc.
He weren't no rabbit.
Or a dog.
- Or a little wooden boy.
Or a sheep.
- Or a woodpecker.
What's that? What is that?
- [Woody Laughing]
It's ink. That goof Acme squirted me
with some the other night.
Why it's comin' out now,
I don't know.
Acme Disappearing- Reappearing Ink.
Boy, that Acme. What a genius.
- Applesauce.
If he was such a genius,
why didn't he leave his will
Without it, were just waitin'
for another developer's wrecking ball.
Roger, that love letter
you wrote to your wife...
In the Ink and Paint Club... why
don't you read it to her now?
Sure, Eddie.
'Dear Jessica, How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways. I, Marvin Acme,
of sound mind and body...'
It's the will.
- Keep reading.
'Do hereby bequeath in perpetuity...
...the property known as Toontown to
those loveable characters, the toons'.
[Cheering]
Hey, Eddie, that was a pretty funny
dance you did for the weasels.
Do you think your days
of bein' a sourpuss are over?
Only time will tell.
Yeah, well, put it there, pal.
- Yeah.
[Buzzing]...
...[Gasping]
- [Gulps]
Don't tell me you lost
your sense of humor already.
[Gasps]
Does this answer your question?
[Kissing]...
Blech. Bleah.
- [Cheering]
Come on, Roger, let's go home.
I'll bake you a carrot cake.
[Laughing]...
...# Smile Darn ya, smile #...
...# You know this old world
is a great world after all #...
...# Smile Darn ya, smile #
- [Gunfire]...
...# And right away watch
Lady Luck pay you a call #...
...# Things are never
black as they are painted #...
...# Time for you and
joy to get acquainted ##
Okay, m-m-move along.
T-T-There's nothing else to see.
That's all, folks.
Hmm. I like the sound of that.
T-T-T-T-That's all, folks.
[Laughing]...
...## [Orchestra Music]...
...## [Jazz]...
...## [Orchestra Music]...
...## [Slow Jazz]...
...## [Orchestra Music]
## [Slow Jazz]