Who Made The Potatoe Salad? (2006) Movie Script
Ocean five, ocean five,
be advised, your suspects are close by.
Multiple warning.
Dispatch, requesting
code one. Suspects exit the vehicle,
Officer Jones in pursuit.
South on 14th approaching Linda Vista.
Ocean seven,
Ocean seven, officer needs assistance.
Code 1 proceed at five. South Linda Vista.
I'm gonna get you, dawg.
I'm gonna get you, dawg!
You're just making it worse on yourself!
I'm gonna get you!
Gonna bury your ass right into jail.
Don't fight it. Don't fight it.
See, now I gotta hurt you.
Now I gotta put it on you.
Fat bastard, here we go.
I got you now.
I do this four times a week.
I do this in the morning.
I do it before I go to sleep.
Put your hands behind your back.
You done.
- What?
- Shit.
Yeah, right. Whatever.
All that Billy Blanks ain't gonna work.
Ain't no Tae Bo gonna save you.
I got police training, right.
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, shit!
Y'all get over here.
Can't y'all help somebody...
Y'all see what's going on with a brother?
Do a citizen thing.
Can't get my cuffs.
Get your hands out of my pocket!
Look what you did to my drawers!
What, you a freak or something, yo?
Are you serious?
Give me my pants, man.
Give me my pants.
Backup! Backup!
Damn!
- Hey! Hey, fool!
- Hey, fuck you.
What you gonna do?
What you really gonna do?
In his drawers? I'm clowning.
I'm gonna get the job done.
I'm gonna do what I gotta do.
We apprehended the suspect,
and he is in county,
waiting on a date right now.
"An officer was found
"in his drawers, handcuffed
to the jungle gym, in his own handcuffs."
Yup. But you see,
that was a diversion, okay?
So my fellow officers could move in
with the least amount of resistance.
- Back at you.
- Yeah.
It seems you often use
that exact same tactic.
I'm gonna do whatever I have to do
to make the arrest.
I mean, I don't care
if I have to use chewing-gum wrapper,
to slip past intricate alarm systems,
to bust up a stolen car ring.
- That's what I'm gonna do.
- Bullshit.
- That's what you are.
- When was your last collar?
My last collar was...
- When was your last collar?
- Guys! Guys!
- Tonight is the big night, right?
- Oh, yeah, yeah. Tonight is.
Yes, it is. Tonight,
I make my Ashley an honest woman.
You mean, now she can finally tell
how funny-looking you are.
Sorry.
What is with y'all?
You're supposed to be happy for a brother.
We are, man. I mean, I am.
We are happy for you.
We're just sad for her.
Suck my dick.
Anyway, dawg,
so where you gonna propose at?
You know what I mean?
You gonna take her to the beach...
Check it out, write it down.
Wait until sunset,
propose when the sun is like
over the horizon, you know what I mean?
It's romantic and it's quiet
and it's just like you and her.
You know what I mean?
The sand and all that beautiful...
- Dude.
- Sorry.
Sorry, I was just reminiscing.
That's how I proposed to my second wife.
She was a fat-ass, though.
She looked nothing like Ashley.
That's a fine piece of ass. Bang it on me.
You got one more time. One more time.
But seriously,
I got a proposal that's so hot,
I'm about to sweep this woman
right off her feet.
Are you okay?
These are for you.
- You look wonderful.
- Thank you.
- What are you doing?
- I'm doing the right thing.
We've known each other
for about a year now, Ashley,
I can't imagine my life before you,
and I definitely don't want
to imagine my life without you.
You complete me, baby.
I'm just kidding.
I was watching cable last night.
I knew I'd get you with that one.
No, but seriously, seriously.
I love you with all my heart.
Oh, my God!
Will you marry me?
Oh, my God.
Come on now, girl,
before I get rheumatism in my knee.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
- Oh, my gosh.
- I like to make her sweat it out.
Oh, baby, it's so beautiful.
Come here.
Can I get something to drink for you two?
Yes. We'll take a bottle of
Les Paymoo Strang Franais,
I don't believe we carry that...
He's kidding.
Just bring us your best champagne.
Yeah. Strang.
Oh, my gosh, we have so much planning to
do. Where are we gonna have it?
What am I gonna wear?
Who's gonna be our planner?
Oh, babe, babe, babe. Calm down, okay?
Calm down.
We've got plenty of time to plan.
I need to know,
are you ready for tomorrow?
Yes. Yeah.
Our train leaves for LA tomorrow at 12:00.
Cool. I can't wait to break the news
to your parents. Wait till they meet me.
Yeah.
Your champagne.
Now, this is how a man
should be introduced to your family.
Do you know, you gotta hide this
until we announce it, though.
Right. Right. Yeah.
Hey, you think we should do it
on Thanksgiving?
We'll just have to find
the appropriate time.
Well, you're right. You're right.
We should just let it happen naturally.
Baby, even if you don't click
with my family, will you still love me?
Of course. I mean, of course.
Hey, remember this: love conquers all.
And I love you.
I love you.
But you know deep down inside
I'm gonna click with your family.
- Do I?
- I mean, come on, look at me.
What family could resist
these boyish good looks?
- Okay.
- I mean, seriously, look at me, okay.
I can borrow a cup of sugar
from any white family on this block.
You know this.
You are so stupid.
- Let's go.
- Let's go.
Mama. Hey, Daddy.
Well,
it's so nice to meet you, baby.
Ashley, you didn't tell me he was this fine.
Nice to meet you.
Heard a lot about you.
Yeah, well, I told my daughter about
putting my business out in the streets.
Have to remember never to fold
under questioning.
- Daddy.
- Jake. Would you leave that boy alone?
I was just having a little fun with him.
Come on, boy, put your bags in.
You guys put your bags
in the back of the trunk.
Girl, I like what you did
with your hair.
That's mine.
Duck hunting.
Oh, that's what I figured. Yeah.
Go on, put your bags in there.
I was holding those for my boy,
back home.
We were...
You wanna...
Wanna just help me with this, so we can...
You know what? You're good.
Okay, there we go.
All right, you can get in the car now.
So, Mike,
what do you do for a living, son?
Daddy, don't start.
Ashley, baby, correct me if I'm wrong,
but I think I have the right to know
what the nigga that's popping
my daughter's coochie does for a living.
So, son, what is it that you do for a living?
I'm a cop.
What?
Ashley, you didn't tell me
this motherfucker was a pig.
I don't think it mattered anymore.
Jake, come on now,
that was many years ago.
Wait, wait, wait, what was years ago?
Jake did some time in the joint
for attempted murder of a police officer.
That's all.
It wasn't no
motherfucking attempted murder.
It was self-defense.
- Daddy...
- I don't want to hear it, Ashley.
Whatever is said or done
while you and this sell-out are around,
it stays right here. You understand me?
You got that, pig?
- Huh?
- Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
- We're gonna talk.
- Shit.
So, welcome
to our humble home, Michael.
Oh, yeah.
This is nice. This is nice.
This reminds me
of my grandmama's house.
- You making fun of my decorations, boy?
- Oh, no, it's not even like...
It's okay, young blood. It's okay.
But just remember,
the struggle continues.
You want something?
Soda pop? Beer? Doughnut?
- You just go ahead and get comfortable.
- Is this Italian?
Yeah, just...
- It's smooth, you know.
- It's cool. Just glide into it.
So, Ashley, how's work, baby?
It's going really good. I just got a raise.
- Oh, that's wonderful, baby.
- Yeah, that's great, baby.
So, Mike, how's work?
- Kill any niggas lately?
- Jake.
I'm just asking him a couple of questions.
No, I can't say I have.
- I'm curious, Mike.
- Jake.
Baby, let me just talk to the young man.
Why would a black man in America
wanna be a cop?
I mean, you couldn't think
of nothing better to do?
Maybe be a doctor, a lawyer
or maybe even a gangster rapper.
I mean, at least they make more money
than a sleazy-assed pig.
Daddy.
All right. All right. All right.
It's gonna take me a minute
to get used to this pig shit.
Anyway, Michael, what are your intentions
for my beautiful daughter right here?
Well,
actually, Ashley and I,
we've been seeing each other
for quite some time.
Oh, what's bubblating, family?
I was with y'all all day, okay?
- Hey, June Bug.
- Hey, June Bug.
Hiya, sis, how're you doing?
Looking all good, like a video girl,
like you've been sprouting up
and everything.
Hey, June Bug.
So, what you home for,
Thanksgrubbing or something?
Yeah.
How Diego treating my bitch?
You still love me there and everything?
It's fine.
Who this nigga?
My boyfriend, Michael.
How're you doing, June...
Anyway, Mom, my stomach killing me.
You know, I ain't ate in like three days.
That's what jail do to a brother
in the drab house, keeping me starving.
I'm going to the kitchen, no,
you ain't gotta follow me or nothing.
I'll be right back.
Hold on, June Bug.
Don't be sticking your fingers in my pots.
I'm not done yet.
Come here, boy.
Don't let me have to break your fingers off.
So, Mike, you were saying.
Yeah, like I was saying, you know,
Ashley and I, we've been seeing each other
for quite some time,
we actually have a little something
we'd like to share with you guys.
Hey, nigga, we gotta ride.
We gotta go to the stizzore.
Mom ain't got enough flizzour
and the stizzore closes in an izzour,
so you gotta ride with me right now.
Can't be riding around here
by myself, playa.
You know what I'm saying?
They out to get me.
I won't be the only target. Let's go.
- I'm tired.
- Just go.
Go on, Michael. Go on.
June Bug gonna show you around.
Jesus Christ, Ashley.
Where did you find
that sorry motherfucker from?
It's crazy out here, man.
Right there. That's where we making
our kids fight the shit.
You got kids?
Hell, no, I look like making my kids fight?
Oh, that's where the big homie got shot.
Shot 17 times in the face.
Took them all, too, like a champ.
- They call him Bullet Head.
- Yeah, with the bullets, that makes sense.
Oh, snap.
That's the old rock house, right there.
I used to get my serve on
in that motherfucker, pushing big weight.
- You, right there?
- Yeah.
- Big weight, huh?
- Yeah.
- You did?
- Me, man. Killing.
- Okay. Big weight.
- Weight.
So, what do you do back at the crib?
I just cool out, chill, you know,
kick it on the down low.
You feel me?
- You feel me?
- Yeah, I been doing that same shit.
Like not really doing nothing,
laying around,
sometimes seeing how long the fuck
I can lay around without doing shit.
- You know? I'm on that.
- You know what I mean?
Hey, man, light this shit and roll it
and smoke this shit.
No. No. I'm straight, man. I'm straight.
You don't smoke, nigga?
What kind of fool, you don't smoke?
I don't trust no nigga that don't smoke.
What, you a cop or something?
Hell, no. No, I'm good.
You're good?
You ain't good till you hit this.
- What do you coughing for?
- I got asthma.
- What kind of fool don't smoke?
- You know, I... Me.
- Me.
- I don't trust you, man.
Who this fool right here?
Now you stay leaned up,
in case the bullets scatter over there.
- What's going on? What's going on?
- Fool thinks he can just roll up on me?
- No, I'm planning to put in work.
- Relax, man.
Whoa! Whoa!
- What kind of work? What kind of work?
- Work, nigga, like punch the clock. Work.
June Bug, what's up,
pretty-eyed motherfucker?
It's T-Bone, nigga.
Shit, man. You better make it known
when you be walking up.
You almost got your cap peeled
completely backwards.
Whatever, nigga, we'd have been some
shooting motherfuckers around here.
- I'll be the shooting motherfucker here.
- No, we be some shooting motherfuckers
around here, nigga.
You know what I'm saying?
Okay, I'd have been the shooting
motherfucker first, though.
Whatever, man. You still coming
to the house later or what?
- Where y'all gonna be at?
- Be at my mom and them house.
Man, you know I love
your mama cooking, man.
She making that chitlin dip.
Hell, yeah,
you know I'm gonna be down there.
- Holler at me!
- June.
Hey, your mama still got them
.45s for sale?
- She ain't got no more.
- Damn.
- Put the gun down. Put the gun down!
- I'm putting it up, man. Be quiet.
Don't act so motherfucking scared
next time either.
- Hey.
- There they are.
Hey, Michael.
Did you guys have a good time?
- You could say that.
- Okay.
What happened to June Bug?
- June Bug is at T-Bone's.
- Not T-Bone.
- Well, you know what that mean.
- Degenerate.
Ashley, come help me
with the groceries, baby.
Thanks for bringing
in the groceries, Michael.
- T-Bone?
- Sorry.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Hey, Michael, come go with me.
I wanna show you something in the den.
Sure.
Oh, Jesus Christ. I have the hardest
goddamn time getting off this couch.
My wife put all this plastic. Oh, Jesus.
Shit. Goddamn hot mix.
Is this you and Huey?
Yeah, that's me and Huey
marching on City Hall.
That picture in the corner,
that's me and Eldridge.
- At a march?
- No. No.
In the Bahamas on a vacation.
Here you go. Drink up, young blood.
That's mother's milk, right there.
Oh, no. That's a man's drink, right there.
Look, young blood,
I brought you down here
'cause I wanna rap with you for a taste.
I dedicated 30 years of my life
to the Movement.
Fighting oppression
at the hands of a cold-blooded,
ruthless oppressor. You understand?
Back in the day,
I was a high-ranking soldier in the Party.
You understand?
And I didn't raise my daughter
to be with the very motherfucker
that I used to fight with on the streets.
Who murdered and killed
a lot of my comrades in the line of duty.
But I want you to know,
that I will kill you
before I let you be with my daughter.
You understand?
Hey, guys, come and eat.
Come on, let's eat.
I think we're having pork chops. Come on.
I know you like pork chops.
- Did you like it, honey?
- Oh, yeah.
- I told you my mama's cooking was good.
- Good food, baby.
- You want something else to drink?
- No, I'm fine, baby.
I'm licking the plate.
Mom, I'm not gonna lie to you.
This food's off the hinges.
Got my stomach bubbling
and everything. Great.
- Yeah, I missed your cooking, Mama.
- Oh, thank you.
- It was great, baby.
- Thank you.
I gotta hand it you, Mrs. Jenkins,
that was a delicious meal.
Well, I am so glad you enjoyed it, Michael.
You didn't finish your pork chop, Michael.
Well, you know, I don't eat pork.
You don't what?
- I just don't eat pork.
- What kind of nigga don't eat pork?
What type of nigga?
You point one out and show me.
June Bug, why don't you
just leave him alone?
You don't smoke no weed,
you don't eat no pork.
What kind of nigga
don't eat pork? What's wrong?
You one of them Mussolinis
or something?
- Muslim. I'm not. And I'm not, but...
- You trying to correctionalize me?
- You try to correctionalize me?
- June Bug?
- Oh, I get it. I get it.
- I'm sick of this.
A pig that don't eat pig.
Oh, Jake.
Dad, I used to be getting your jokes.
I don't really...
I don't get that one. What do you mean?
Your sister Ashley here,
has brought a pig into our family.
This motherfucker right here, June Bug,
is one-time.
You a police officer? You got me...
You got me riding around with this cop?
Why did you have to tell him that?
Okay, okay, this has gone too far.
- You a one-time?
- This has gone too far.
The point where
the cops go home. Relax, all right?
You relax. You want me to relax?
My father ate pork. Your father ate pork.
Her father ate pork.
- Okay, hold on!
- Daddy, stop!
Wait a minute. Now, stop, Daddy.
Come on, don't be upset.
My father and brother are just like that.
You know?
- What, this is normal for you?
- No.
I just know how they are, you know?
Especially my dad, you know, he's just...
I don't know.
He's just real stuck in his ways.
Yeah, I can see that. Shit.
Don't be upset, all right?
- I'll make it up to you.
- I know what that means.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Ashley,
now you know goddamn well,
you know better.
Let's go, Shaft. You on the couch tonight.
Thank you.
You need to go, Shaft.
"Shaft, go sleep on the couch."
Shaft this, Shaft that.
Keep calling me Shaft.
I've got your shaft right here.
Ashley,
- how old are you?
- Twenty-four.
Remember this, you ain't never too old
to get your ass whipped.
And chop that up in your head a little bit.
Who the hell has a plastic couch
in this day and age?
Sweat out five pounds
sleeping on this damn bed.
I can't even get freaking comfortable...
God damn!
Gotta listen to this shit all night.
God damn.
Fuck! All right, come on, just relax.
Just relax. Just relax.
Just relax, come on. Just relax.
Just relax. Damn.
How come she's upstairs?
You better knock that shit off, Lil' Ray.
Last time I'll tell you, boy.
I swear for God, next time,
I'll have you go get me a switch.
Ray, he's just being a kid.
Mmm-hmm.
Ray Ray. Ray Ray.
Hit me again
and you won't wake up till next week.
That's why you can't dooky,
'cause you don't eat no damn vegetables.
Look here, when is sleeping booty
gonna wake his ass up anyway?
I don't know. Why don't we find out?
- Hey, Shaft!
- Oh, Jake!
Shaft, wake it up.
- Whoa, Shaft!
- Jake, be nice.
Wake it up there, boy.
Ashley's sister Mookie
is here.
And her whole family
are dying to meet you.
Come on in
and have some breakfast with us, honey.
- Morning, everybody. Morning, baby.
- Good morning.
How you doing? I'm Michael.
God damn, boy,
you need to brush your teeth.
It smell like you got a naked demon
in your mouth.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- What did you eat last night? Shit?
- Hey, let me go brush. Let me go brush.
I'm just playing, baby. I'm just playing.
I'm just playing with you, dawg.
Okay, you got me. You got me.
- I'm Ray Ray.
- Ray Ray. Ray Ray.
- This is my wife, Mookie.
- Hi! It's nice to meet you.
That's my little bad-ass son,
right there. Ray Jr.
That's Lil' Ray. Holler.
Holler back.
Go on, have a seat, Michael.
Help yourself to some breakfast.
Mookie cooked breakfast for us
this morning.
All right. Thank you, Mookie,
'cause I sure am hungry.
That's right. Go on and help yourself
to some of that pork sausage.
Brought that straight from Georgia.
- Yeah.
- Good pork sausage.
Ray Ray,
- you know, Michael here don't eat no pork.
- What?
Mmm-hmm.
Daddy, why don't you just
shut up sometimes?
Girl, you're about to get
your fucking head knocked off.
Don't you ever tell your daddy to shut up.
I'll turn this goddamn table over on you.
- Hut, hut!
- Straight ahead...
There you go, there you go,
there you go.
Touchdown, baby.
- Jenkins, I tell you, them boys ain't shit.
- Oh, they dig it into that ass there, boy.
Go through this every year.
Every goddamn year.
Hey, Ray Ray, it's good to see you,
you know.
Now, you're gonna be at the picnic, right?
'Cause I need you to bring
some of that pork. Those sausages.
I can't do it, man. I gotta take Lil' Ray Jr.
to the doctor. Boy ain't dookied in a week.
The boy ain't boo-booed in a whole week?
Hell, no. I'm worried about him, man.
The little ass just backed up.
I told you he don't eat enough
goddamned vegetables.
Yeah, you gotta eat vegetables.
Hey, how's it going in here, fellas, hey?
What we got going? What we got going?
Who's playing?
- Let me move over some, boy.
- We got room.
What the fuck did you do?
Take a bath in the goddamn cologne?
Yeah, boy, what kind of French shit is that
you're wearing?
It's called Yves Jean Ren.
- Chardonnay. Ain't that a liquor, boy?
- No.
No.
I'm just playing with you, boy.
We're here watching the game.
Hey. You!
That's my team right there.
That's my team.
They ain't shit.
They're losing like a motherfucker.
I told you they ain't shit, Jenkins.
All right, so, what do you do
for a living there, Mike?
- Well, I'm...
- Ray Ray, your boy Mike is a pig.
What's that?
The mascot for a local rib joint
or food chain or something?
No, no, no.
Pig as in pig. Po-po. Five-O. Johnny Law.
Oh. Locking motherfuckers up.
Okay. How long have you been doing that?
As long as they've been letting
sell-out niggas like this on the force.
- About five years.
- Oh, really?
Yeah. Yeah.
I like that shirt.
Where did you get that shirt?
- You like this?
- Yeah, no, I like it. Yeah.
Yeah, boy, this is some sexy shit, ain't it?
I'm a trash man.
You got that out of the trash?
Well, you find a lot of surprising stuff
in the trash.
All types of good shit you can use.
Toothpaste, lotion, soap,
mouthwash, breath mints.
Lot of good shit in the trash.
Young blood, help me out.
Go get the door for me.
- Get the goddamn door.
- Yeah, no, I was planning on getting it.
Yeah.
Jenkins, why didn't you tell me
this motherfucker was a cop, man?
You know I'm on probation.
- Hola.
- Hola.
You are June Boog? Or June Bug?
No, no, no. I'm Michael.
Hey, Shaft, who is it?
It's for June Bug.
Well, let him in, dipshit.
You ordered the mail-order bride?
Me? No, no, no...
Yes, yes, yes, we must, how do you say?
Make love.
- Make babies.
- No, no, no. We don't make no babies.
- Yes, yes.
- Hey, Shaft.
I can't handle... Hey, hey.
Hey.
That is for June Bug.
Don't just stand there.
What, you waiting for her to kiss you?
Go knock on the goddamn door, boy.
No, I was just about to do that,
I was just about to do that.
- Fuck you.
- It's Michael.
- Hell you want, nigga?
- You got company.
Is she pregnant?
- It's a mail-order bride.
- Hell, no!
Damn! You fine in person and
just like you are in your picture. Shit!
I'm Lupe. I'm the mail-order bride
from Santo Domingo.
Lupe el...
- El hello ho.
- You ordered the mail-order bride?
I sure did. Let me look at you,
I wanna see you. Dig it. Oh, snap.
June Bug, June Bug.
Knock it out of the park.
Told you I was gonna make something
of myself, Daddy. Babies. Yeah, yeah.
Come here.
Watch them, they the Feds. Yeah.
Okay.
Come here, I need you.
I wrote the book
Dominoes for Bloodback in '76.
Dominoes for Blood?
Dominoes for Blood,
I wrote that back in '76, hell of a book.
- Hell of a title that is.
- Hell of a book.
- That done put it on them.
- Up this fucking bullshit.
Lay it down.
Twenty-five, motherfucker.
Now if you gonna keep sticking
your ass out there like that,
somebody gonna confuse
your masculinity.
Okey-dokey, pokey.
What the fuck are you laughing at?
It's your play, young blood.
And you better come with some shit.
- Man, relax, take it easy, dawg.
- Nigga, are you ovulating?
- Go on, play, dawg.
- Play it, man.
I got this, I got this, I got this.
Fifteen.
- Sure is.
- Fifteen.
That's a 15, if ever I saw a 15.
The big one and a fiver.
Come on, Ashley baby,
I need you to come help me
with the food, come on.
Mama, I was kind of enjoying myself
with the boys.
Girl, come on here,
that boy ain't going nowhere.
All right meet me over there.
Mmm-mmm-mmm!
Look at the swing on that back porch.
That girl got a ass like a horse.
She sure got a hell of a future behind her.
Yeah, but she walk like her pussy
ain't no good.
Not to me.
What she need to do,
try one of them ninja trois with me.
Get a second opinion.
- Now, you thinking about mnage trois.
- Whatever, nigga.
No, no, no, you got some freaking
going on right there.
That my wife and my daughter
you're talking about there, nigga.
I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- Sorry, dawg, my bad, we didn't know.
- Okay, all right.
- Let's get back to the game.
What's the count?
The count?
Okay, all right, okay, my man, you got five.
Of course, young blood,
he's got two houses.
And, of course, that means you got... zero.
Oh, man.
Know what?
I let you off the hook with my wife.
I'm about to bust your fucking ass.
- Sit down, dawg, don't get excited.
- Hold up, don't get excited.
Hold him, hold him.
- Come on!
- Mr. Jenkins. Mr. Jenkins!
Boy, you're lucky. You're lucky
they grabbed you, I know that.
Relax. Look, relax, all right,
it's not worth it, all right. Just let it go.
You're goddamn right, it's worth it.
You let them two niggas talk about
my daughter, you ain't say a damn thing.
- Hey, hey, look, let it go.
- You're just like a damn P.
Y'all only brave when you got your badge
and your little gun on you.
- Look...
- We gonna see, we gonna see.
- Hey.
- What's up?
We're looking for somebody to play
all-time quarterback over here.
- No, I'm cool.
- What? You scared?
Am I...
You think I'm scared? Bring it on.
All right, look. We gonna run deep outs
on these fools, all right?
All right, here we go,
you're gonna run like this.
Okay, but you gotta sell that fake,
you gotta sell that.
And you, you gonna run like this, all right.
Remember, like that.
You gotta juke them right there.
And the rest of you two, you block, okay?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. No long faces, all right.
We a team, all right.
Break on three. All right, bring it in,
bring it in, bring it in.
One, two, three, break.
- Come on, come on, come on.
- Come on, punk.
Y'all better bring your A-game today.
'Cause I'm gonna sack your bitch ass
for sure.
Down, set, hut, hut, hut!
Come on and get it!
Hey!
Got you, nigga,
told you to bring your A-game.
Punk.
Fat bastard.
That's how we're gonna play?
All right, look.
Just block.
Hey, anybody know who to contact in case
there's a emergency for this coward?
'Cause this nigga
is going down for good this time.
Down, set, hut.
One alligator, two alligator,
three alligator, four alligator...
Kicked your bitch ass now, yeah.
Look at all y'all faces, all y'all faces. Yeah.
Get your butt up.
Come on, guys. It's cool, no.
We just playing. We just playing.
I'm sorry. I said...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't hurt the boy.
Oh, damn.
- I'm sorry, baby.
- Don't do that.
I ain't seen a motherfucker run like that
since Jesse Owens.
Mike, how did you learn to run like that?
Chasing niggas?
Come on, Jake.
Leave that boy alone, that's not nice.
- I'm just saying, baby.
- Come on, now.
Look, y'all still hungry? I'll tell you what,
I'll fix you some leftovers.
And you stop laughing at him, be nice.
Run, nigga, run.
Run from the man.
It's okay, baby, I still love you.
- Even though you ran.
- I was not running.
I was looking for a more secure place
to settle our differences.
- There were kids out there.
- I know.
- They were little.
- Very small.
This is not
how I intended for this to go, okay?
Your father is never gonna
approve of me marrying you.
- He'll come around.
- Oh, like hell he will.
Baby, I love you no matter what, all right?
My family is my family, but you're my boo,
my husband to be.
Nobody's gonna come in between that.
Love conquers all.
Isn't that what you told me
the night of our engagement?
I love you.
Hold that thought.
Hey, Monster,
what are you doing here?
How you doing, baby? I heard you was
back in town, just come by to see you.
- Okay.
- Who's this nigga?
This is my boyfriend, Mike.
- Nice to meet you, homie.
- Yeah, no, we cool.
Nice to meet you... Monster, it was?
Yeah, Mr. Monster.
Mr... That's cool.
You know what? I've always had a crush
on you, you know that, right, sweetheart?
- Let me just get my arm out.
- Yeah, you told me.
Did you and Ashley go to school together
or something?
You know what? You look better
than you did last time I saw you.
Thank you.
Ashley, can you come
give me a hand real quick?
- Gotta go, thanks.
- Yeah.
- You know, I was...
- Hey, man, shut your punk ass up.
I'll spit all over you, you hear me?
- Where you from?
- San Diego.
- No, I said what set you from?
- Set? I don't follow you.
You know what I mean, nigga.
What set, what hood,
what gang you from?
Gang... Oh, no, no, no, I'm not...
Hold it. Just give me a little room.
I'm not into all that.
I'm just not into all that.
- What are you into?
- Actually I'm a...
You... What was that word
you were about to say?
Come on, come on, say it, say it,
or I'm gonna beat your ass, say it!
Cop.
Help. Help.
Let him go, let him go, Monster,
let him go.
No, this is your last day on Earth, cop.
One-time killed my brother.
You gonna die today, pig.
- Daddy? Monster, he tripping again.
- I'm gonna bust your ass up, too, bitch.
What did I tell you?
What did I tell your big ass?
Not to step foot
in my goddamn house again.
Motherfucker!
Bust your ass again
like I did the last time.
I was just leaving, Mr. Jenkins.
You'd better!
Before I pop another cap up in your ass.
Big son of a bitch.
You all right?
Yeah, I'm fine,
he started choking me by surprise, I...
Not you, asshole.
I'm talking to my daughter.
You all right, baby?
I'm fine, Daddy. I'm fine.
And you're supposed to be
a goddamn cop.
The shit I do for your love.
You hungry?
So, your dad really wanted you
to marry this Malik guy?
Yeah.
I mean, his dad and my dad,
they were both in the Party together.
And it kind of seemed like
the perfect match, you know?
- Up until he robbed that bank.
- What?
Yeah, he's been in jail
for the past five years.
- How much time did he get?
- Quadruple life.
And this is the man
your dad wanted you to marry?
Yeah.
I love you, Ashley.
But I ain't robbing no banks
for your ass or your daddy's approval.
Ashley.
Don't forget where you are, young lady.
Now, this thing came in the mail
for you today.
- What is it?
- Some kind of tape.
Didn't have a return address on it.
Why not pop it in and see what's on it?
Come on, baby, break this up right here,
let's make a little space.
I can never get comfortable on this couch.
Where'd that come from?
They don't even serve corn in here.
Look, baby, it's Malik.
Hey, baby. It's Malik.
Daddy, do we have to watch this?
How come you block all my calls
at every residence you move to?
Ashley, let's just watch it
and see what he has to say,
it might be something really nice.
And return all my letters. Unread.
I just thought
maybe you want to holler at a nigga.
Thanks to this new videogram program,
put together
by Governor Schwarze-nigger,
I'm able to send you
this small visual massage.
Just for you.
They say it helps keep us
grounded in reality.
You probably wondering
why I sent you this.
'Cause you got a big old, fat, juicy ass, girl,
and the motherfucking titties.
Them motherfuckers float over my head
every night when I'm dreaming.
Plus, Daddy just wanna make sure
his baby girl all right.
Me? I'm cool, you know what I'm saying?
Long as there ain't no crooked cop
trying to assassinate me.
Getting shanked by a nigga.
Motherfucker trying to... You know,
inmates sodomize a motherfucker,
treat me like I'm some kind of
fairytale shit. You know what I'm saying?
Or a motherfucker
get some food poisoning,
with all that bullshit
they serving down there.
Still trying to figure out
how the fuck I get corn in my shit,
and they ain't even had
that motherfucking shit in here.
Other than that,
prison's been a positive,
positive experience.
I never told you what went wrong
with the "alleged" bank robbery.
You know, it wasn't the "alleged" bank
robbery that got me quadruple life, no.
It was the amount of explosives
and arsenic they found at the crib.
They tried to charge me
with a terrorist act.
I ain't no motherfucking terrorist!
I don't fit the motherfucking description,
George Bush, boy!
Anyway, I just opened up 'cause,
I guess it's my institutionalized way
of saying I'm sorry.
You knows, what we had, baby,
was special.
You remember that time,
your high school prom,
when I came to pick you up?
And everybody like, "Who the fuck
this old dude?
"You know, coming to grab
a little shorty," right?
Like I was some kind of child molester
or some shit.
You know what I'm saying? Remember
I bust caps in the air,
and all them little bitches ran?
All right, I took you down
to the Bonaventure.
And I taught you how to do it tiger-style.
I will never forget that shit,
and I know you won't, either.
Power of duct tape.
Girl, there ain't a day go by
in this motherfucker
I don't think about you.
You know what I'm saying?
When I'm shanking the shit out of a
motherfucker, I'm thinking about you, girl.
Yeah, when I'm squirting the motherfucker
with lighter fluid
all between that motherfucker's cell,
and I drop that match on that bitch...
I'm thinking about you, girl.
When I'm in this motherfucking cell,
by myself late at night.
You know what I'm saying?
You know, I'm not really by myself,
'cause I got my bitches,
you know what I'm saying?
I got my motherfucker...
Petroleum jelly.
$1.99.
Commissary. They got deals
up in this bitch.
And I start beating up on the defendant.
Guilty, guilty, guilty.
I'm thinking about you, girl.
Daddy, please shut this off.
Guard, get in here.
He's doing it again. Guard?
Oh, man, what the fuck you want?
Every time a nigga
try to get a jack session here,
here come your tight-suit-wearing
motherfucking ass.
- Put your hands up against the wall.
- Fuck, no.
Put your hands down,
where the hell you going?
Nigga, you gonna jack it off for me?
- Get down on...
- Pull the...
What the fuck you looking at,
you bubble-eyed bastard?
Cover's on the side of the couch,
Keystone Kop.
And, Ashley, I think it's about time
you made your way upstairs to go to bed.
Tiger-style.
Whatever.
Michael?
Baby.
- What are you doing here?
- What do you think?
- What about your daddy?
- What about him? I'm a big girl now.
Big girls do big people things.
Baby.
- Really, we should...
- Should what?
- We should keep this PG-13.
- Okay.
- Baby, be gentle.
- I will.
That's it.
Wake it up, asshole.
It's breakfast.
You might want to put that thing away.
'Cause we don't want no hard dicks
at the breakfast table.
- Good morning, baby.
- Good morning, baby.
Good morning.
Okay, Michael,
this is my grandma and grandpa.
Oh, great, okay, it's a pleasure
to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins.
No, baby, this is my mama's parents,
Mr. and Mrs. Brown.
Yeah, and you get that shit right.
Very nice to meet you,
Mr. and Mrs. Brown.
- Glad to meet you, too, son.
- Very nice to meet you, Patrick.
You'll have to excuse her,
she's a little senile.
- What?
- No, no. It's okay, it's okay.
He's a nice young man.
Too bad you couldn't have met
a nice young man.
Now I've said something to you before
about that shit.
Don't come over here
and start no shit with me.
- Not today, please, Papa.
- Come on, Papa, it's Thanksgiving.
You need to shut up.
Your man ain't about shit, either.
Your daddy about to get
his old light-skinned ass whooped.
- That's what's gonna down...
- Paul will beat you like...
Hey, hey!
Can't we just be civil for five minutes?
This is Michael's first visit with us.
You want the young man to think
we a bunch of lunatics?
We is.
Yeah, you're right.
What is it you do for a living, Mike?
Somebody pass me the bacon.
I'm a police officer.
- As in, "cop"?
- Yes.
- Might be nice to have a cop in the family.
- Wonderful.
- Really?
- Yeah, really.
Yeah.
I've got a couple of moving violations,
maybe you could kind of...
We can talk about that later, you know,
'cause I don't do that for everybody.
- Yeah, he doesn't really do that.
- It's really not...
You know, we can talk about that later.
Good morning, y'all, what's up,
what's up? Good morning.
Hey, June Bug!
Have a look at all the senior sexy in here.
- What's that I smell?
- Nothing.
Bullshit! That's reefer I smell.
You've been smoking reefer
without your granddad again?
No, Grandpa, you know
I wouldn't do that to you.
I saved you some.
- Some of that biblical-type mind...
- Hey, hey, hey.
Careful what you say now.
You know, we got the cops in here.
Babylon is in the house.
Five-O.
- Morning.
- Morning, neez.
Kind of uncomfortable with me sitting
this close, ain't it? Shoulder to shoulder.
You're used to me being in the back seat,
locked up, handcuffed.
Do something now. Do something now!
Anyway, before I was
so cop-fully interrupted...
Later on, at the dinner we's having
tonight, the Thanksgiving one.
Right, I was gonna announce my
engagement to Lupe, my mail-order bride,
I got her over there from like Monte...
Like one of them old...
She's like from places where they don't...
You know, where they be speaking
other than what I say.
Like I say this,
and they say something else.
Unfortunately,
before we had a chance to...
Consummate.
- What, Mama? The word you told me...
- Consummate.
Before we got a chance to get together,
she ran off with Hector, the gardener.
- That dirty bitch.
- Mama.
Talking about she was
more comfortable with him, you know,
she says, you know,
she's all happy and stuff now probably.
Keeping it pimping like Daddy.
That's what I'm gonna do.
Keep it pimping like Daddy
from now on. I ain't... All that love shit...
Like you said, Daddy,
after the motherfucking...
"Ten years, fuck the bitch,"
remember that?
Daddy was like, "After 10 years,
what the fuck I need her for?
"Your mama barely got by,"
you remember
you was me telling me about that.
You were like, "She was cool,
but it wasn't the way..." You remember?
Hey, you know, Ashley and I, we kind of
have an announcement of our own.
- We've been dating for quite some time.
- You know what? I'm done eating.
Yeah, I'm tired, too, man.
I'm feeling sleepy right now.
Grandpa, you wanna go do that?
- I'm tired.
- Yeah, let's go do that.
I'm right behind you.
Don't you all just drop the dishes
in the sink, rinse them off first, okay?
We know, we know,
Mama, we know.
I don't believe we've met.
We'll be
right back with Dark Wolf,
part of our Thanksgiving Day
horror marathon.
Well, this is some marathon.
Yeah.
Excuse me.
Would you help me
with a little something in the back?
I'd be happy to.
Oh, pussy, that's it.
Oh, it's sure on, Daddy!
You gonna give me
some head, too?
- Did your grandma...
- Don't ask.
Yeah, you know, everybody was out there
waiting for the goddamn turkey,
I burned the whole goddamn turkey.
It had the stuffing and the plastic
all stuck up inside the goddamn thing.
Oh, my Lord!
Why'd you bring that shit up right now?
I thought my daddy was never gonna
leave you alone about that one, boy.
Yeah, well, he hasn't,
he brought it up earlier.
Which brings me to my next point.
You see the way in which
my father treats you?
- Yeah, I see that.
- You don't like it, do you?
Never have.
Where you going with this, baby?
You're treating Michael
the same way, Jake.
- No, it ain't the same.
- Yes, it is.
No, it ain't. Goddamn it, it ain't.
Now, that boy's a stinking-ass cop,
and you know how I feel about cops.
Oh, come on, now.
You need to get over that.
You know, you are much too old
to still be stuck in all that revolutionary,
seize-the-time black power crap.
Now, I know damn well
this ain't coming from the same woman
who used to march side by side
with me and had the big-ass afro,
the pick with the fist on it,
and that damn dashiki,
I know you not talking no shit.
Well, if you haven't noticed,
I moved on, brother.
You know, I joined the work force.
What's that got to do
with the struggle, baby?
It's a different world today, Jake.
You got everybody wanting to be a thug
instead of a man.
You ought to be glad
she not walking up in here
with some gang-banger named Poop Dog,
with his pants hanging half off his ass.
Well, baby, ain't nothing wrong with that,
that's the way
they wear their pants today,
- that's the style.
- Oh, please.
Please, if we'd have had it your way,
she'd have ended up married
to that damn Malik, then what?
She'd be his ninth baby mama by now.
She'd be raising the child all by herself,
while he's stuck in the joint doing life.
- Quadruple life.
- Exactly.
You know, you ought to be glad
she walked up in here
with a man got a job,
who seem to be about something.
Jake, baby,
you know, you keep this up,
all you gonna do is push Ashley
further and further away
from the both of us.
Better not nobody say nothing
about my potatoe salad, okay?
Took me three days to make this,
I don't wanna hear no,
"Who made the potatoe salad?"
Or it's gonna be on.
Okay, okay.
Yeah, so, Ashley,
what's up with you and Michael?
I mean, y'all talking marriage,
babies, or what?
- Maybe.
- Well, I think he's a very nice young man.
- I think he's a keeper.
- I think so, too.
I just get so upset that Daddy and him
aren't getting along, you know?
Sweetie-pie, you can't be
with who your daddy like.
Girl, I can't think of one boyfriend I had
that Daddy did like.
The last one I had that he liked was Malik.
- Now that ought to tell you something.
- Right.
Is that boy still locked up?
- Four life sentences. I think so.
- Oh, goodness!
Baby, you know when your
mama and daddy first got together,
I thought your daddy
was a real piece of shit,
but she up and married him anyway.
- Thank you, Mama.
- You're welcome, baby.
You know what, baby?
As long as he hitting that spot
like he's supposed to,
you know everything is all right.
Where your daddy at?
Mr. Brown? Mr. Brown.
Mr. Brown.
Go, go, go! Ain't this part a bitch?
The boy did fumble the ball
on the one yard line.
How in the hell do you drop the ball
on the one yard line?
- Damn.
- Boy.
I done told you about cussing
in other people's houses.
Get your little ass out of here.
I wonder where the hell
he get that shit from.
Probably from you, you ignorant ass.
- Keep talking, wheelchair bitch.
- And what, punk?
And I'm gonna whoop off
on your old senior citizen ass
like your step-daddy should have,
you son of a bitch.
You freckle-faced bitch.
Hey, y'all come on now, it's Thanksgiving.
Get this pussy out of my face.
You better give thanks that I don't whoop
off on your old, ancient, last-supper ass.
- Baby.
- Any time, junior.
- Okay.
- Any time!
Grandpa. Damn. Dinner's ready, y'all.
Y'all think y'all can stop fighting
long enough so we can eat?
I'll let him slide that long.
Come on, go, go, go.
I'm going to take the batteries out of
your pacemaker and hide your wheelchair.
Take this battery, bitch.
Scott Stevens
open in the wide out...
Oh, and it's a completed pass to Stevens!
Right on his fingertips.
Good game.
Approaching the red zone.
And it looks like it's going to be
a real ballgame today, folks.
Let's bless the table.
All right.
Y'all weren't gonna say no grace
without me, right?
June Bug, sit your crazy ass down.
Let's bless our table. Bow our heads.
Dear heavenly Father, thank you
for yet another Thanksgiving together.
Thank you for my entire family,
as well as our new extended
family member, Michael.
We thank you for this food,
and we pray that the hands
that prepared it are blessed.
- Amen.
- Amen.
- Amen, daughter.
- Amen.
Let's grub, let's grub!
Get back into hearing amen
and all that stuff.
And whatever come after "A" and "men..."
June Bug, get your fingers out the turkey.
In front of people, don't do it?
- What's wrong with you?
- Everything.
These candy yams look delicious.
Yes. My mama made them.
They are so good.
Thank you, baby.
Aren't you gonna try
some of my honey-roasted ham?
- I'm afraid I don't eat pork, ma'am.
- Don't eat pork?
A black man that don't eat pork
is a traitor to his race.
Don't be rude, boy.
Go on and eat some of the ham.
The ham is good.
Got cloves in it.
Yeah, just try a little taste.
Yeah, eat up.
Go on,
just take a tiny little piece.
All right, just for you. Just a little piece.
Just a little piece. There you go.
Baby, that ain't enough
to even get a good taste.
Come on and try this ham. Come on.
- Yes, shove it in his mouth.
- Yeah.
- Chew, nigga.
- All right.
Get used to that.
Chew.
Don't be bullshitting with it.
It's good. It's real good.
Good. Anybody else want some ham?
- No.
- No, thank you, Mom.
No. I can't do it now.
- No.
- No, thank you.
- Love you, Grandma.
- Give that to the guest.
- Lil' Ray, that's enough.
- But that's all I want.
You better eat all of them vegetables up
or your stomach be hurting
and you'll be backed up.
Potatoe salad.
Now that's my favorite right here.
Who made the potatoe salad?
This motherfucker...
- Oh, shit.
- Oh.
Why, huh? Why, nigga?
You don't walk into a fast-food restaurant
and ask who's on fries, do you?
Do you waddle up into Roscoe's and ask
who's filling the motherfucking waffles?
Huh? No, no, no, you don't.
So why does it matter
who made the damn potatoe salad?
- It don't really matter.
- Exactly my point.
Now, scoop some up on your
punk-ass plate and shut the fuck up.
Now!
- Scooping. Scooping.
- Scoop it, nigga.
- Scoop, nigga.
- Eat it all, look at him.
- Scoop right here.
- There you go.
- He didn't mean it, Mookie.
- Another scoop. That's two scoops.
You know he didn't mean it.
There's nothing wrong
with your potatoe salad.
Yeah.
Your potatoe salad is dry.
- Yeah, it like the desert.
- That's right.
It is not dry.
I just didn't have enough mayonnaise
last year.
That's right.
What about the year before last?
All right. All right, dear.
I mean, what about that nasty ham
that Grandma makes?
What?
- I thought it was good.
- Shut up.
- Shut your ass up.
- Shut up.
You about to get your ass whipped, boy.
Since we're speaking of nasty,
what about this nasty-ass raw turkey
we be eating every year?
- You better watch your damn mouth.
- That's turkey?
You know what, son of a bitch?
I'm gonna tell you one goddamn thing.
I didn't want you
at this goddamn Thanksgiving dinner.
Yeah, this turkey is good.
This is a good goddamn turkey.
It ain't nothing wrong with this turkey.
The turkey is just rare.
Rare, my ass. The turkey is raw.
- It's raw every goddamn year.
- Fuck you.
Last year, you cooked up
the damn plastic bag
with the giblets still inside
the goddamn turkey.
And the plastic bag was raw.
You say another fucking word, I'll carve
that hat right off your goddamn head.
- The shit is raw and bad.
- You raw, motherfucker.
Your ass is raw.
That's why I have to drink
this messed-up punch,
to wash the shit down.
You said you liked my punch, Papa.
They gonna be cracking in here
the way I like it.
- No, I ain't taking no ass-whooping.
- What the fuck you gonna do?
Take the goddamn carver
and just carve his black ass up.
Ray Ray, rip his ass.
That ain't your son, no way. That ain't...
Get him, Grandpa!
Let him have it, Grandpa!
Bring your bags.
I'm getting out of this ragged
motherfucker as soon as I can.
Never forgiving that fool.
I don't need it... Come on, get the hell out.
I don't give a goddamn.
If we wanted to be treated like this,
we could have gone to the local shelter,
and had dinner with the homeless
and the underprivileged.
Well, you know what, you son of a bitch?
Next time you can do that shit.
Stop it, Jake.
I don't like your goddamn father,
he don't like me.
That ain't the point. These are my parents.
Mama, Daddy, please stay. I'm sorry.
What's she sorry about?
She is sorry
because she allowed her family
to be so rude to her mother and her father.
Who's her mother
and father? Do we know them?
- Jesus Christ, she's crazy...
- Mama.
Stop it.
Come on, baby,
let's get the hell on out of here.
That'll be a good goddamn idea.
- Come on, Daddy.
- We'll see you again.
All right.
We'll have you back for Christmas.
Where we gonna have
Thanksgiving dinner?
- Mama.
- Come on, Mama.
- Come back Christmas, Mama.
- Okay.
- Take your ragged-ass hat with you.
- Oh, stop!
- Take that shit...
- Jake.
I'm tired of it.
It took me three damn days
to make that damn potatoe salad.
You would think for once I wouldn't have
to hear, "Who made the potatoe salad?"
- It was good. It was good.
- I know.
Y'all, I'm sorry I acted the way I did,
but your albino-possessed-ass daddy
- can French kiss my ass.
- I'm with you. I'm with you.
Hey, Ray Ray, you be good.
Holler back at me now.
Well, there goes Thanksgiving.
I told you when I seen that little boy,
the little motherfucker
was going to be trouble.
It wasn't his fault, Daddy.
Yeah, whatever.
God!
There's plenty of food left
if y'all still hungry.
Thanks, Mom.
June...
You have the right to remain
motherfucking silent.
Anything the fuck you say,
can and will be used against your ass
in the streets I'm motherfucking with.
- This is all my fault.
- No, it's not.
Believe it or not,
this kind of thing happens all the time.
Thanks, but that really doesn't
make me feel much better.
Well, we're leaving tomorrow.
Everything will be fine when we get home.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What about making
the engagement announcement?
- It's gonna have to wait.
- Ashley.
Look, I'm sorry, but...
Sorry, we'll just have to talk about it
on the train tomorrow, okay?
Try to get some sleep.
Frank, yeah, what's up, man?
Yeah, this is Mike.
I know I haven't talked to you
since the academy, I know.
And I missed your wedding
and your son's circumcision.
Yeah, I know all that, okay,
but that's not important.
This is important. I need a big favor.
All right, baby.
- Jake.
- Take your shirt off, will you?
- Take your shirt off.
- No.
- Baby, you're sweating my hair.
- Come on now.
Frank. Frank, is that you?
- Is that you?
- Yeah. Yeah.
You didn't tell me
this place was this far in the hood.
Man, there's dogs out there. Pit bulls.
Look, man, are you sure
these people don't have guns?
Yeah, they do, but don't worry
about that, though.
- What?
- No, no. Trust me, trust me.
How come you didn't wear
the brown makeup like I told you?
Ain't nobody gonna believe
a white guy would try to rob this house.
- They didn't have any at the 99 cent store.
- Cheap ass.
Besides, people'll just think
I'm looking for crystal meth.
Whatever. Come on. Come on.
You're a fool. Come on.
- Come on. Help me move this coffee table.
- Okay.
This is where I'm gonna whoop you at,
right here in this area.
Sounds good to me. Yeah.
All right. Cool. Cool. All right.
Let's change positions.
- Let's be... 'Cause...
- Good idea. Good idea.
They'll see me when they come down.
They'll see me.
- Yeah, good thinking.
- All right.
- Here we go.
- All right.
Now we gonna do this just like
we used to do at the academy.
Nothing different. Stay loose.
All right. You ready? All right, ready?
Go.
Santa Claus?
- Who's that, baby?
- I don't know.
Come up in this motherfucker?
I don't think so.
Good. Right where I left it.
Come on!
Go to sleep. Go to sleep.
I got this. I got this. I got this.
Teach you to fuck
with the Jenkins, motherfucker.
Michael.
How could you do this?
I thought we were friends.
Oh, God.
I have no idea how he knew my name.
Really?
Wait. Wait a minute.
Do you know him, Michael?
No.
Well, kind of.
What the fuck do you mean, "Kind of,"
young blood?
Yeah, what do you mean, Michael?
Michael, please tell me
you didn't have anything to do with this.
Hell, no.
Look, I just figured if...
I figured if I staged a burglary,
and saved the day,
your dad would like me.
Then we could tell him
we're getting married.
Married? Hell, no.
I would never allow my daughter
to marry a motherfucker like you.
You put my family in jeopardy
with this nonsense
you're bringing into my house.
Look, sir...
Tell the paramedics to come back.
They forgot somebody.
How could you do this, Michael?
Somebody could have got killed.
Baby, I just wanted
your family to accept me.
You said we would be together whether
you clicked with my parents or not.
I didn't care whether they liked you or not,
but now, I don't know.
Maybe we shouldn't be together.
- No, Ashley, Ashley, don't...
- Wait, wait. Wait.
Just get your shit and get out.
I am truly disappointed.
Baby, we're about to hit rush hour traffic.
We got to go. Come on.
Tell me, Daddy,
why did you hate Michael so much?
- 'Cause the boy's a pig, Ashley.
- I mean, other than that.
What was so wrong with him?
He's a punk.
The boy is soft.
I can't believe you can't see that.
- Is that it?
- Yeah, I mean, what else is there?
Me being happy.
And that makes you happy?
Staged robberies in my house
makes you happy?
No.
Me being with Michael makes me happy.
I love everything about him. His laugh,
his personality, everything.
But he's a pig, Ashley.
And you know how I feel about...
Daddy, it's not the '60s anymore. God!
Decent black men, proud black men
can be police officers.
Well, I don't know anything
about that, Ashley, okay?
Isn't civil rights and equal opportunity
what you guys were fighting for
in the first place?
Yeah.
Yeah, well, I'll say Michael
is a shining example of just that.
A proud black man
who wants to marry a black woman,
who just happens to be a police officer.
Daddy, if that's not an example
of freedom, then I don't know what is.
Ashley, baby, we gotta go.
We're running out of time. Let's go.
Hey, Mike.
Hey, man, I'm sorry to hear
about you and Ashley, you know.
It's all right.
So, she is single now.
Sorry, tough break.
Mike, you know how we do?
Take it one day at a time.
You know what I'm saying?
Keep your head up...
Yeah, you know, I got divorced
a couple of years ago.
- Dude, it was rough.
- Really?
Yeah, but they say
the fourth one's the toughest.
You're just on your first, you know...
Keep your head up, dude. Fight the power.
Mike, let me get him out of here.
Listen, take care of yourself,
talk to me, give me a call, whatever.
You're good. I appreciate that.
- Cool?
- Yeah.
- You're sure?
- You're good.
- Let's go.
- She looks great.
Come on, White. Damn.
Hey, young blood. How you doing?
What are you doing here?
I thought you hated me.
Is there somewhere that
we can talk in private around here?
Yeah, yeah. You know, we could...
Right here.
Have a seat, son.
Now, I came down here to rap with you
for a second,
'cause I didn't like what went down
back at the house.
- Listen, Mr. Jenkins, I didn't...
- Let me finish, son. Let me finish.
Now,
to say that me and the pigs...
I mean, law enforcement, have an
unstable history is an understatement.
Not only was there
the alleged attempted murder
of a police officer,
but it's the fact that the pigs...
I'm sorry, the cops,
along with the Federal Government,
plotted to take my party down.
They infiltrated my organization
and caused dissension among the ranks,
turning a lot of us into snitches,
dope fiends, pimps and hoodlums.
They would have you to believe
that my party was a gang.
We wasn't no gang.
We had all kinds of beautiful programs
for the people in the community.
We had after-school programs,
we had free breakfast for the kids,
we registered our people to vote.
All we were trying to do
was protect our community.
Thanks.
And my feeling for police officers
runs real deep.
But I came here to tell you
that my feelings for my daughter
run even deeper.
I see the way that she loves you
and I don't want to lose my baby girl.
So I came here to tell you
that I would be happy
to have you as a son-in-law.
As long as you don't stage no more
fake robberies in my goddamn house.
No more "Keystone Kop," "Shaft" shit,
you know?
All right, I won't fuck with you
about that no more.
I don't have to eat pork, do I?
Well, you know, I was always conflicted
about the pork issue
when I was in the Party.
I mean, pork ain't never killed nobody.
Okay, no pork.
Hey, look, I just want to say
I'm sorry for being so hard on you.
No, that... No, it's...
That's right. That's good enough
right there. That's about all I can handle.
Now fall back, now. Fall back.
- Okay, no.
- All right.
- Who's in there?
- The interrogation room.
Hey, Daddy.
Why don't you and him
do your own little thing?
Love conquers all, right?
Yeah, baby, yeah.
- Chill that metro shit!
- Love conquers all.
So, there it is.
I finally got my wish.
Me and Ashley were married
in a small, quaint garden
in South Central,
and we lived happily ever after.
That is until Christmas at the Jenkins'.
Due to some counseling, a good time
and a few cartons of cigarettes,
I'm able to correspond
with you once again.
Now, I just wanted to call
and congratulate you on your nuptials.
You know, with whatever mock-ass nigga
you about to marry.
Now, I ain't hating, you know,
I'm congratulating.
But you know what fucks with me?
Is the fact that you'll probably
never be able to see
that motherfucking slithering cobra.
You know how that helmet gets fatter
than a motherfucking fat-rat.
You know what I'm saying? You'll never
be able to see the creepy clingy,
the bull's blow, the rat-a-tat-tat.
No, but on the real, you know,
congratulations on y'all
little wedding and shit.
You know, I ain't no hating.
Congratulating like a motherfucker.
There's enough pussy to go around.
Pussy everywhere.
I know there's about 235 bitches
out there right now free to fuck
since I'm locked the fuck up.
Plus that little half a bitch, that midget,
you know what I'm saying?
Like to toss her around.
But you was my favorite girl. Yeah.
Bonaventure. Bonaventure.
Hey, on a real, though,
that little mock-ass
nigga you're with and shit,
you know, y'all coming out
of that motherfucking church,
you know, and they start throwing rice,
I hope that shit is rocks, bitch!
You know what I'm saying?
Fuck you, the priest,
your mama, all them motherfuckers
sitting there, whoever watching this bitch.
All y'all is some punk motherfuckers.
Yeah. G-up!
Kiss my motherfucking ass, bitch.
"You may now kiss the bride," bitch.
He kissing my dick, tell that nigga that.
What's that nigga's name?
Write me back, baby.
Write me back.
Thinking about you, always.
be advised, your suspects are close by.
Multiple warning.
Dispatch, requesting
code one. Suspects exit the vehicle,
Officer Jones in pursuit.
South on 14th approaching Linda Vista.
Ocean seven,
Ocean seven, officer needs assistance.
Code 1 proceed at five. South Linda Vista.
I'm gonna get you, dawg.
I'm gonna get you, dawg!
You're just making it worse on yourself!
I'm gonna get you!
Gonna bury your ass right into jail.
Don't fight it. Don't fight it.
See, now I gotta hurt you.
Now I gotta put it on you.
Fat bastard, here we go.
I got you now.
I do this four times a week.
I do this in the morning.
I do it before I go to sleep.
Put your hands behind your back.
You done.
- What?
- Shit.
Yeah, right. Whatever.
All that Billy Blanks ain't gonna work.
Ain't no Tae Bo gonna save you.
I got police training, right.
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, shit!
Y'all get over here.
Can't y'all help somebody...
Y'all see what's going on with a brother?
Do a citizen thing.
Can't get my cuffs.
Get your hands out of my pocket!
Look what you did to my drawers!
What, you a freak or something, yo?
Are you serious?
Give me my pants, man.
Give me my pants.
Backup! Backup!
Damn!
- Hey! Hey, fool!
- Hey, fuck you.
What you gonna do?
What you really gonna do?
In his drawers? I'm clowning.
I'm gonna get the job done.
I'm gonna do what I gotta do.
We apprehended the suspect,
and he is in county,
waiting on a date right now.
"An officer was found
"in his drawers, handcuffed
to the jungle gym, in his own handcuffs."
Yup. But you see,
that was a diversion, okay?
So my fellow officers could move in
with the least amount of resistance.
- Back at you.
- Yeah.
It seems you often use
that exact same tactic.
I'm gonna do whatever I have to do
to make the arrest.
I mean, I don't care
if I have to use chewing-gum wrapper,
to slip past intricate alarm systems,
to bust up a stolen car ring.
- That's what I'm gonna do.
- Bullshit.
- That's what you are.
- When was your last collar?
My last collar was...
- When was your last collar?
- Guys! Guys!
- Tonight is the big night, right?
- Oh, yeah, yeah. Tonight is.
Yes, it is. Tonight,
I make my Ashley an honest woman.
You mean, now she can finally tell
how funny-looking you are.
Sorry.
What is with y'all?
You're supposed to be happy for a brother.
We are, man. I mean, I am.
We are happy for you.
We're just sad for her.
Suck my dick.
Anyway, dawg,
so where you gonna propose at?
You know what I mean?
You gonna take her to the beach...
Check it out, write it down.
Wait until sunset,
propose when the sun is like
over the horizon, you know what I mean?
It's romantic and it's quiet
and it's just like you and her.
You know what I mean?
The sand and all that beautiful...
- Dude.
- Sorry.
Sorry, I was just reminiscing.
That's how I proposed to my second wife.
She was a fat-ass, though.
She looked nothing like Ashley.
That's a fine piece of ass. Bang it on me.
You got one more time. One more time.
But seriously,
I got a proposal that's so hot,
I'm about to sweep this woman
right off her feet.
Are you okay?
These are for you.
- You look wonderful.
- Thank you.
- What are you doing?
- I'm doing the right thing.
We've known each other
for about a year now, Ashley,
I can't imagine my life before you,
and I definitely don't want
to imagine my life without you.
You complete me, baby.
I'm just kidding.
I was watching cable last night.
I knew I'd get you with that one.
No, but seriously, seriously.
I love you with all my heart.
Oh, my God!
Will you marry me?
Oh, my God.
Come on now, girl,
before I get rheumatism in my knee.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
- Oh, my gosh.
- I like to make her sweat it out.
Oh, baby, it's so beautiful.
Come here.
Can I get something to drink for you two?
Yes. We'll take a bottle of
Les Paymoo Strang Franais,
I don't believe we carry that...
He's kidding.
Just bring us your best champagne.
Yeah. Strang.
Oh, my gosh, we have so much planning to
do. Where are we gonna have it?
What am I gonna wear?
Who's gonna be our planner?
Oh, babe, babe, babe. Calm down, okay?
Calm down.
We've got plenty of time to plan.
I need to know,
are you ready for tomorrow?
Yes. Yeah.
Our train leaves for LA tomorrow at 12:00.
Cool. I can't wait to break the news
to your parents. Wait till they meet me.
Yeah.
Your champagne.
Now, this is how a man
should be introduced to your family.
Do you know, you gotta hide this
until we announce it, though.
Right. Right. Yeah.
Hey, you think we should do it
on Thanksgiving?
We'll just have to find
the appropriate time.
Well, you're right. You're right.
We should just let it happen naturally.
Baby, even if you don't click
with my family, will you still love me?
Of course. I mean, of course.
Hey, remember this: love conquers all.
And I love you.
I love you.
But you know deep down inside
I'm gonna click with your family.
- Do I?
- I mean, come on, look at me.
What family could resist
these boyish good looks?
- Okay.
- I mean, seriously, look at me, okay.
I can borrow a cup of sugar
from any white family on this block.
You know this.
You are so stupid.
- Let's go.
- Let's go.
Mama. Hey, Daddy.
Well,
it's so nice to meet you, baby.
Ashley, you didn't tell me he was this fine.
Nice to meet you.
Heard a lot about you.
Yeah, well, I told my daughter about
putting my business out in the streets.
Have to remember never to fold
under questioning.
- Daddy.
- Jake. Would you leave that boy alone?
I was just having a little fun with him.
Come on, boy, put your bags in.
You guys put your bags
in the back of the trunk.
Girl, I like what you did
with your hair.
That's mine.
Duck hunting.
Oh, that's what I figured. Yeah.
Go on, put your bags in there.
I was holding those for my boy,
back home.
We were...
You wanna...
Wanna just help me with this, so we can...
You know what? You're good.
Okay, there we go.
All right, you can get in the car now.
So, Mike,
what do you do for a living, son?
Daddy, don't start.
Ashley, baby, correct me if I'm wrong,
but I think I have the right to know
what the nigga that's popping
my daughter's coochie does for a living.
So, son, what is it that you do for a living?
I'm a cop.
What?
Ashley, you didn't tell me
this motherfucker was a pig.
I don't think it mattered anymore.
Jake, come on now,
that was many years ago.
Wait, wait, wait, what was years ago?
Jake did some time in the joint
for attempted murder of a police officer.
That's all.
It wasn't no
motherfucking attempted murder.
It was self-defense.
- Daddy...
- I don't want to hear it, Ashley.
Whatever is said or done
while you and this sell-out are around,
it stays right here. You understand me?
You got that, pig?
- Huh?
- Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
- We're gonna talk.
- Shit.
So, welcome
to our humble home, Michael.
Oh, yeah.
This is nice. This is nice.
This reminds me
of my grandmama's house.
- You making fun of my decorations, boy?
- Oh, no, it's not even like...
It's okay, young blood. It's okay.
But just remember,
the struggle continues.
You want something?
Soda pop? Beer? Doughnut?
- You just go ahead and get comfortable.
- Is this Italian?
Yeah, just...
- It's smooth, you know.
- It's cool. Just glide into it.
So, Ashley, how's work, baby?
It's going really good. I just got a raise.
- Oh, that's wonderful, baby.
- Yeah, that's great, baby.
So, Mike, how's work?
- Kill any niggas lately?
- Jake.
I'm just asking him a couple of questions.
No, I can't say I have.
- I'm curious, Mike.
- Jake.
Baby, let me just talk to the young man.
Why would a black man in America
wanna be a cop?
I mean, you couldn't think
of nothing better to do?
Maybe be a doctor, a lawyer
or maybe even a gangster rapper.
I mean, at least they make more money
than a sleazy-assed pig.
Daddy.
All right. All right. All right.
It's gonna take me a minute
to get used to this pig shit.
Anyway, Michael, what are your intentions
for my beautiful daughter right here?
Well,
actually, Ashley and I,
we've been seeing each other
for quite some time.
Oh, what's bubblating, family?
I was with y'all all day, okay?
- Hey, June Bug.
- Hey, June Bug.
Hiya, sis, how're you doing?
Looking all good, like a video girl,
like you've been sprouting up
and everything.
Hey, June Bug.
So, what you home for,
Thanksgrubbing or something?
Yeah.
How Diego treating my bitch?
You still love me there and everything?
It's fine.
Who this nigga?
My boyfriend, Michael.
How're you doing, June...
Anyway, Mom, my stomach killing me.
You know, I ain't ate in like three days.
That's what jail do to a brother
in the drab house, keeping me starving.
I'm going to the kitchen, no,
you ain't gotta follow me or nothing.
I'll be right back.
Hold on, June Bug.
Don't be sticking your fingers in my pots.
I'm not done yet.
Come here, boy.
Don't let me have to break your fingers off.
So, Mike, you were saying.
Yeah, like I was saying, you know,
Ashley and I, we've been seeing each other
for quite some time,
we actually have a little something
we'd like to share with you guys.
Hey, nigga, we gotta ride.
We gotta go to the stizzore.
Mom ain't got enough flizzour
and the stizzore closes in an izzour,
so you gotta ride with me right now.
Can't be riding around here
by myself, playa.
You know what I'm saying?
They out to get me.
I won't be the only target. Let's go.
- I'm tired.
- Just go.
Go on, Michael. Go on.
June Bug gonna show you around.
Jesus Christ, Ashley.
Where did you find
that sorry motherfucker from?
It's crazy out here, man.
Right there. That's where we making
our kids fight the shit.
You got kids?
Hell, no, I look like making my kids fight?
Oh, that's where the big homie got shot.
Shot 17 times in the face.
Took them all, too, like a champ.
- They call him Bullet Head.
- Yeah, with the bullets, that makes sense.
Oh, snap.
That's the old rock house, right there.
I used to get my serve on
in that motherfucker, pushing big weight.
- You, right there?
- Yeah.
- Big weight, huh?
- Yeah.
- You did?
- Me, man. Killing.
- Okay. Big weight.
- Weight.
So, what do you do back at the crib?
I just cool out, chill, you know,
kick it on the down low.
You feel me?
- You feel me?
- Yeah, I been doing that same shit.
Like not really doing nothing,
laying around,
sometimes seeing how long the fuck
I can lay around without doing shit.
- You know? I'm on that.
- You know what I mean?
Hey, man, light this shit and roll it
and smoke this shit.
No. No. I'm straight, man. I'm straight.
You don't smoke, nigga?
What kind of fool, you don't smoke?
I don't trust no nigga that don't smoke.
What, you a cop or something?
Hell, no. No, I'm good.
You're good?
You ain't good till you hit this.
- What do you coughing for?
- I got asthma.
- What kind of fool don't smoke?
- You know, I... Me.
- Me.
- I don't trust you, man.
Who this fool right here?
Now you stay leaned up,
in case the bullets scatter over there.
- What's going on? What's going on?
- Fool thinks he can just roll up on me?
- No, I'm planning to put in work.
- Relax, man.
Whoa! Whoa!
- What kind of work? What kind of work?
- Work, nigga, like punch the clock. Work.
June Bug, what's up,
pretty-eyed motherfucker?
It's T-Bone, nigga.
Shit, man. You better make it known
when you be walking up.
You almost got your cap peeled
completely backwards.
Whatever, nigga, we'd have been some
shooting motherfuckers around here.
- I'll be the shooting motherfucker here.
- No, we be some shooting motherfuckers
around here, nigga.
You know what I'm saying?
Okay, I'd have been the shooting
motherfucker first, though.
Whatever, man. You still coming
to the house later or what?
- Where y'all gonna be at?
- Be at my mom and them house.
Man, you know I love
your mama cooking, man.
She making that chitlin dip.
Hell, yeah,
you know I'm gonna be down there.
- Holler at me!
- June.
Hey, your mama still got them
.45s for sale?
- She ain't got no more.
- Damn.
- Put the gun down. Put the gun down!
- I'm putting it up, man. Be quiet.
Don't act so motherfucking scared
next time either.
- Hey.
- There they are.
Hey, Michael.
Did you guys have a good time?
- You could say that.
- Okay.
What happened to June Bug?
- June Bug is at T-Bone's.
- Not T-Bone.
- Well, you know what that mean.
- Degenerate.
Ashley, come help me
with the groceries, baby.
Thanks for bringing
in the groceries, Michael.
- T-Bone?
- Sorry.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Hey, Michael, come go with me.
I wanna show you something in the den.
Sure.
Oh, Jesus Christ. I have the hardest
goddamn time getting off this couch.
My wife put all this plastic. Oh, Jesus.
Shit. Goddamn hot mix.
Is this you and Huey?
Yeah, that's me and Huey
marching on City Hall.
That picture in the corner,
that's me and Eldridge.
- At a march?
- No. No.
In the Bahamas on a vacation.
Here you go. Drink up, young blood.
That's mother's milk, right there.
Oh, no. That's a man's drink, right there.
Look, young blood,
I brought you down here
'cause I wanna rap with you for a taste.
I dedicated 30 years of my life
to the Movement.
Fighting oppression
at the hands of a cold-blooded,
ruthless oppressor. You understand?
Back in the day,
I was a high-ranking soldier in the Party.
You understand?
And I didn't raise my daughter
to be with the very motherfucker
that I used to fight with on the streets.
Who murdered and killed
a lot of my comrades in the line of duty.
But I want you to know,
that I will kill you
before I let you be with my daughter.
You understand?
Hey, guys, come and eat.
Come on, let's eat.
I think we're having pork chops. Come on.
I know you like pork chops.
- Did you like it, honey?
- Oh, yeah.
- I told you my mama's cooking was good.
- Good food, baby.
- You want something else to drink?
- No, I'm fine, baby.
I'm licking the plate.
Mom, I'm not gonna lie to you.
This food's off the hinges.
Got my stomach bubbling
and everything. Great.
- Yeah, I missed your cooking, Mama.
- Oh, thank you.
- It was great, baby.
- Thank you.
I gotta hand it you, Mrs. Jenkins,
that was a delicious meal.
Well, I am so glad you enjoyed it, Michael.
You didn't finish your pork chop, Michael.
Well, you know, I don't eat pork.
You don't what?
- I just don't eat pork.
- What kind of nigga don't eat pork?
What type of nigga?
You point one out and show me.
June Bug, why don't you
just leave him alone?
You don't smoke no weed,
you don't eat no pork.
What kind of nigga
don't eat pork? What's wrong?
You one of them Mussolinis
or something?
- Muslim. I'm not. And I'm not, but...
- You trying to correctionalize me?
- You try to correctionalize me?
- June Bug?
- Oh, I get it. I get it.
- I'm sick of this.
A pig that don't eat pig.
Oh, Jake.
Dad, I used to be getting your jokes.
I don't really...
I don't get that one. What do you mean?
Your sister Ashley here,
has brought a pig into our family.
This motherfucker right here, June Bug,
is one-time.
You a police officer? You got me...
You got me riding around with this cop?
Why did you have to tell him that?
Okay, okay, this has gone too far.
- You a one-time?
- This has gone too far.
The point where
the cops go home. Relax, all right?
You relax. You want me to relax?
My father ate pork. Your father ate pork.
Her father ate pork.
- Okay, hold on!
- Daddy, stop!
Wait a minute. Now, stop, Daddy.
Come on, don't be upset.
My father and brother are just like that.
You know?
- What, this is normal for you?
- No.
I just know how they are, you know?
Especially my dad, you know, he's just...
I don't know.
He's just real stuck in his ways.
Yeah, I can see that. Shit.
Don't be upset, all right?
- I'll make it up to you.
- I know what that means.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Ashley,
now you know goddamn well,
you know better.
Let's go, Shaft. You on the couch tonight.
Thank you.
You need to go, Shaft.
"Shaft, go sleep on the couch."
Shaft this, Shaft that.
Keep calling me Shaft.
I've got your shaft right here.
Ashley,
- how old are you?
- Twenty-four.
Remember this, you ain't never too old
to get your ass whipped.
And chop that up in your head a little bit.
Who the hell has a plastic couch
in this day and age?
Sweat out five pounds
sleeping on this damn bed.
I can't even get freaking comfortable...
God damn!
Gotta listen to this shit all night.
God damn.
Fuck! All right, come on, just relax.
Just relax. Just relax.
Just relax, come on. Just relax.
Just relax. Damn.
How come she's upstairs?
You better knock that shit off, Lil' Ray.
Last time I'll tell you, boy.
I swear for God, next time,
I'll have you go get me a switch.
Ray, he's just being a kid.
Mmm-hmm.
Ray Ray. Ray Ray.
Hit me again
and you won't wake up till next week.
That's why you can't dooky,
'cause you don't eat no damn vegetables.
Look here, when is sleeping booty
gonna wake his ass up anyway?
I don't know. Why don't we find out?
- Hey, Shaft!
- Oh, Jake!
Shaft, wake it up.
- Whoa, Shaft!
- Jake, be nice.
Wake it up there, boy.
Ashley's sister Mookie
is here.
And her whole family
are dying to meet you.
Come on in
and have some breakfast with us, honey.
- Morning, everybody. Morning, baby.
- Good morning.
How you doing? I'm Michael.
God damn, boy,
you need to brush your teeth.
It smell like you got a naked demon
in your mouth.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- What did you eat last night? Shit?
- Hey, let me go brush. Let me go brush.
I'm just playing, baby. I'm just playing.
I'm just playing with you, dawg.
Okay, you got me. You got me.
- I'm Ray Ray.
- Ray Ray. Ray Ray.
- This is my wife, Mookie.
- Hi! It's nice to meet you.
That's my little bad-ass son,
right there. Ray Jr.
That's Lil' Ray. Holler.
Holler back.
Go on, have a seat, Michael.
Help yourself to some breakfast.
Mookie cooked breakfast for us
this morning.
All right. Thank you, Mookie,
'cause I sure am hungry.
That's right. Go on and help yourself
to some of that pork sausage.
Brought that straight from Georgia.
- Yeah.
- Good pork sausage.
Ray Ray,
- you know, Michael here don't eat no pork.
- What?
Mmm-hmm.
Daddy, why don't you just
shut up sometimes?
Girl, you're about to get
your fucking head knocked off.
Don't you ever tell your daddy to shut up.
I'll turn this goddamn table over on you.
- Hut, hut!
- Straight ahead...
There you go, there you go,
there you go.
Touchdown, baby.
- Jenkins, I tell you, them boys ain't shit.
- Oh, they dig it into that ass there, boy.
Go through this every year.
Every goddamn year.
Hey, Ray Ray, it's good to see you,
you know.
Now, you're gonna be at the picnic, right?
'Cause I need you to bring
some of that pork. Those sausages.
I can't do it, man. I gotta take Lil' Ray Jr.
to the doctor. Boy ain't dookied in a week.
The boy ain't boo-booed in a whole week?
Hell, no. I'm worried about him, man.
The little ass just backed up.
I told you he don't eat enough
goddamned vegetables.
Yeah, you gotta eat vegetables.
Hey, how's it going in here, fellas, hey?
What we got going? What we got going?
Who's playing?
- Let me move over some, boy.
- We got room.
What the fuck did you do?
Take a bath in the goddamn cologne?
Yeah, boy, what kind of French shit is that
you're wearing?
It's called Yves Jean Ren.
- Chardonnay. Ain't that a liquor, boy?
- No.
No.
I'm just playing with you, boy.
We're here watching the game.
Hey. You!
That's my team right there.
That's my team.
They ain't shit.
They're losing like a motherfucker.
I told you they ain't shit, Jenkins.
All right, so, what do you do
for a living there, Mike?
- Well, I'm...
- Ray Ray, your boy Mike is a pig.
What's that?
The mascot for a local rib joint
or food chain or something?
No, no, no.
Pig as in pig. Po-po. Five-O. Johnny Law.
Oh. Locking motherfuckers up.
Okay. How long have you been doing that?
As long as they've been letting
sell-out niggas like this on the force.
- About five years.
- Oh, really?
Yeah. Yeah.
I like that shirt.
Where did you get that shirt?
- You like this?
- Yeah, no, I like it. Yeah.
Yeah, boy, this is some sexy shit, ain't it?
I'm a trash man.
You got that out of the trash?
Well, you find a lot of surprising stuff
in the trash.
All types of good shit you can use.
Toothpaste, lotion, soap,
mouthwash, breath mints.
Lot of good shit in the trash.
Young blood, help me out.
Go get the door for me.
- Get the goddamn door.
- Yeah, no, I was planning on getting it.
Yeah.
Jenkins, why didn't you tell me
this motherfucker was a cop, man?
You know I'm on probation.
- Hola.
- Hola.
You are June Boog? Or June Bug?
No, no, no. I'm Michael.
Hey, Shaft, who is it?
It's for June Bug.
Well, let him in, dipshit.
You ordered the mail-order bride?
Me? No, no, no...
Yes, yes, yes, we must, how do you say?
Make love.
- Make babies.
- No, no, no. We don't make no babies.
- Yes, yes.
- Hey, Shaft.
I can't handle... Hey, hey.
Hey.
That is for June Bug.
Don't just stand there.
What, you waiting for her to kiss you?
Go knock on the goddamn door, boy.
No, I was just about to do that,
I was just about to do that.
- Fuck you.
- It's Michael.
- Hell you want, nigga?
- You got company.
Is she pregnant?
- It's a mail-order bride.
- Hell, no!
Damn! You fine in person and
just like you are in your picture. Shit!
I'm Lupe. I'm the mail-order bride
from Santo Domingo.
Lupe el...
- El hello ho.
- You ordered the mail-order bride?
I sure did. Let me look at you,
I wanna see you. Dig it. Oh, snap.
June Bug, June Bug.
Knock it out of the park.
Told you I was gonna make something
of myself, Daddy. Babies. Yeah, yeah.
Come here.
Watch them, they the Feds. Yeah.
Okay.
Come here, I need you.
I wrote the book
Dominoes for Bloodback in '76.
Dominoes for Blood?
Dominoes for Blood,
I wrote that back in '76, hell of a book.
- Hell of a title that is.
- Hell of a book.
- That done put it on them.
- Up this fucking bullshit.
Lay it down.
Twenty-five, motherfucker.
Now if you gonna keep sticking
your ass out there like that,
somebody gonna confuse
your masculinity.
Okey-dokey, pokey.
What the fuck are you laughing at?
It's your play, young blood.
And you better come with some shit.
- Man, relax, take it easy, dawg.
- Nigga, are you ovulating?
- Go on, play, dawg.
- Play it, man.
I got this, I got this, I got this.
Fifteen.
- Sure is.
- Fifteen.
That's a 15, if ever I saw a 15.
The big one and a fiver.
Come on, Ashley baby,
I need you to come help me
with the food, come on.
Mama, I was kind of enjoying myself
with the boys.
Girl, come on here,
that boy ain't going nowhere.
All right meet me over there.
Mmm-mmm-mmm!
Look at the swing on that back porch.
That girl got a ass like a horse.
She sure got a hell of a future behind her.
Yeah, but she walk like her pussy
ain't no good.
Not to me.
What she need to do,
try one of them ninja trois with me.
Get a second opinion.
- Now, you thinking about mnage trois.
- Whatever, nigga.
No, no, no, you got some freaking
going on right there.
That my wife and my daughter
you're talking about there, nigga.
I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- Sorry, dawg, my bad, we didn't know.
- Okay, all right.
- Let's get back to the game.
What's the count?
The count?
Okay, all right, okay, my man, you got five.
Of course, young blood,
he's got two houses.
And, of course, that means you got... zero.
Oh, man.
Know what?
I let you off the hook with my wife.
I'm about to bust your fucking ass.
- Sit down, dawg, don't get excited.
- Hold up, don't get excited.
Hold him, hold him.
- Come on!
- Mr. Jenkins. Mr. Jenkins!
Boy, you're lucky. You're lucky
they grabbed you, I know that.
Relax. Look, relax, all right,
it's not worth it, all right. Just let it go.
You're goddamn right, it's worth it.
You let them two niggas talk about
my daughter, you ain't say a damn thing.
- Hey, hey, look, let it go.
- You're just like a damn P.
Y'all only brave when you got your badge
and your little gun on you.
- Look...
- We gonna see, we gonna see.
- Hey.
- What's up?
We're looking for somebody to play
all-time quarterback over here.
- No, I'm cool.
- What? You scared?
Am I...
You think I'm scared? Bring it on.
All right, look. We gonna run deep outs
on these fools, all right?
All right, here we go,
you're gonna run like this.
Okay, but you gotta sell that fake,
you gotta sell that.
And you, you gonna run like this, all right.
Remember, like that.
You gotta juke them right there.
And the rest of you two, you block, okay?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. No long faces, all right.
We a team, all right.
Break on three. All right, bring it in,
bring it in, bring it in.
One, two, three, break.
- Come on, come on, come on.
- Come on, punk.
Y'all better bring your A-game today.
'Cause I'm gonna sack your bitch ass
for sure.
Down, set, hut, hut, hut!
Come on and get it!
Hey!
Got you, nigga,
told you to bring your A-game.
Punk.
Fat bastard.
That's how we're gonna play?
All right, look.
Just block.
Hey, anybody know who to contact in case
there's a emergency for this coward?
'Cause this nigga
is going down for good this time.
Down, set, hut.
One alligator, two alligator,
three alligator, four alligator...
Kicked your bitch ass now, yeah.
Look at all y'all faces, all y'all faces. Yeah.
Get your butt up.
Come on, guys. It's cool, no.
We just playing. We just playing.
I'm sorry. I said...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't hurt the boy.
Oh, damn.
- I'm sorry, baby.
- Don't do that.
I ain't seen a motherfucker run like that
since Jesse Owens.
Mike, how did you learn to run like that?
Chasing niggas?
Come on, Jake.
Leave that boy alone, that's not nice.
- I'm just saying, baby.
- Come on, now.
Look, y'all still hungry? I'll tell you what,
I'll fix you some leftovers.
And you stop laughing at him, be nice.
Run, nigga, run.
Run from the man.
It's okay, baby, I still love you.
- Even though you ran.
- I was not running.
I was looking for a more secure place
to settle our differences.
- There were kids out there.
- I know.
- They were little.
- Very small.
This is not
how I intended for this to go, okay?
Your father is never gonna
approve of me marrying you.
- He'll come around.
- Oh, like hell he will.
Baby, I love you no matter what, all right?
My family is my family, but you're my boo,
my husband to be.
Nobody's gonna come in between that.
Love conquers all.
Isn't that what you told me
the night of our engagement?
I love you.
Hold that thought.
Hey, Monster,
what are you doing here?
How you doing, baby? I heard you was
back in town, just come by to see you.
- Okay.
- Who's this nigga?
This is my boyfriend, Mike.
- Nice to meet you, homie.
- Yeah, no, we cool.
Nice to meet you... Monster, it was?
Yeah, Mr. Monster.
Mr... That's cool.
You know what? I've always had a crush
on you, you know that, right, sweetheart?
- Let me just get my arm out.
- Yeah, you told me.
Did you and Ashley go to school together
or something?
You know what? You look better
than you did last time I saw you.
Thank you.
Ashley, can you come
give me a hand real quick?
- Gotta go, thanks.
- Yeah.
- You know, I was...
- Hey, man, shut your punk ass up.
I'll spit all over you, you hear me?
- Where you from?
- San Diego.
- No, I said what set you from?
- Set? I don't follow you.
You know what I mean, nigga.
What set, what hood,
what gang you from?
Gang... Oh, no, no, no, I'm not...
Hold it. Just give me a little room.
I'm not into all that.
I'm just not into all that.
- What are you into?
- Actually I'm a...
You... What was that word
you were about to say?
Come on, come on, say it, say it,
or I'm gonna beat your ass, say it!
Cop.
Help. Help.
Let him go, let him go, Monster,
let him go.
No, this is your last day on Earth, cop.
One-time killed my brother.
You gonna die today, pig.
- Daddy? Monster, he tripping again.
- I'm gonna bust your ass up, too, bitch.
What did I tell you?
What did I tell your big ass?
Not to step foot
in my goddamn house again.
Motherfucker!
Bust your ass again
like I did the last time.
I was just leaving, Mr. Jenkins.
You'd better!
Before I pop another cap up in your ass.
Big son of a bitch.
You all right?
Yeah, I'm fine,
he started choking me by surprise, I...
Not you, asshole.
I'm talking to my daughter.
You all right, baby?
I'm fine, Daddy. I'm fine.
And you're supposed to be
a goddamn cop.
The shit I do for your love.
You hungry?
So, your dad really wanted you
to marry this Malik guy?
Yeah.
I mean, his dad and my dad,
they were both in the Party together.
And it kind of seemed like
the perfect match, you know?
- Up until he robbed that bank.
- What?
Yeah, he's been in jail
for the past five years.
- How much time did he get?
- Quadruple life.
And this is the man
your dad wanted you to marry?
Yeah.
I love you, Ashley.
But I ain't robbing no banks
for your ass or your daddy's approval.
Ashley.
Don't forget where you are, young lady.
Now, this thing came in the mail
for you today.
- What is it?
- Some kind of tape.
Didn't have a return address on it.
Why not pop it in and see what's on it?
Come on, baby, break this up right here,
let's make a little space.
I can never get comfortable on this couch.
Where'd that come from?
They don't even serve corn in here.
Look, baby, it's Malik.
Hey, baby. It's Malik.
Daddy, do we have to watch this?
How come you block all my calls
at every residence you move to?
Ashley, let's just watch it
and see what he has to say,
it might be something really nice.
And return all my letters. Unread.
I just thought
maybe you want to holler at a nigga.
Thanks to this new videogram program,
put together
by Governor Schwarze-nigger,
I'm able to send you
this small visual massage.
Just for you.
They say it helps keep us
grounded in reality.
You probably wondering
why I sent you this.
'Cause you got a big old, fat, juicy ass, girl,
and the motherfucking titties.
Them motherfuckers float over my head
every night when I'm dreaming.
Plus, Daddy just wanna make sure
his baby girl all right.
Me? I'm cool, you know what I'm saying?
Long as there ain't no crooked cop
trying to assassinate me.
Getting shanked by a nigga.
Motherfucker trying to... You know,
inmates sodomize a motherfucker,
treat me like I'm some kind of
fairytale shit. You know what I'm saying?
Or a motherfucker
get some food poisoning,
with all that bullshit
they serving down there.
Still trying to figure out
how the fuck I get corn in my shit,
and they ain't even had
that motherfucking shit in here.
Other than that,
prison's been a positive,
positive experience.
I never told you what went wrong
with the "alleged" bank robbery.
You know, it wasn't the "alleged" bank
robbery that got me quadruple life, no.
It was the amount of explosives
and arsenic they found at the crib.
They tried to charge me
with a terrorist act.
I ain't no motherfucking terrorist!
I don't fit the motherfucking description,
George Bush, boy!
Anyway, I just opened up 'cause,
I guess it's my institutionalized way
of saying I'm sorry.
You knows, what we had, baby,
was special.
You remember that time,
your high school prom,
when I came to pick you up?
And everybody like, "Who the fuck
this old dude?
"You know, coming to grab
a little shorty," right?
Like I was some kind of child molester
or some shit.
You know what I'm saying? Remember
I bust caps in the air,
and all them little bitches ran?
All right, I took you down
to the Bonaventure.
And I taught you how to do it tiger-style.
I will never forget that shit,
and I know you won't, either.
Power of duct tape.
Girl, there ain't a day go by
in this motherfucker
I don't think about you.
You know what I'm saying?
When I'm shanking the shit out of a
motherfucker, I'm thinking about you, girl.
Yeah, when I'm squirting the motherfucker
with lighter fluid
all between that motherfucker's cell,
and I drop that match on that bitch...
I'm thinking about you, girl.
When I'm in this motherfucking cell,
by myself late at night.
You know what I'm saying?
You know, I'm not really by myself,
'cause I got my bitches,
you know what I'm saying?
I got my motherfucker...
Petroleum jelly.
$1.99.
Commissary. They got deals
up in this bitch.
And I start beating up on the defendant.
Guilty, guilty, guilty.
I'm thinking about you, girl.
Daddy, please shut this off.
Guard, get in here.
He's doing it again. Guard?
Oh, man, what the fuck you want?
Every time a nigga
try to get a jack session here,
here come your tight-suit-wearing
motherfucking ass.
- Put your hands up against the wall.
- Fuck, no.
Put your hands down,
where the hell you going?
Nigga, you gonna jack it off for me?
- Get down on...
- Pull the...
What the fuck you looking at,
you bubble-eyed bastard?
Cover's on the side of the couch,
Keystone Kop.
And, Ashley, I think it's about time
you made your way upstairs to go to bed.
Tiger-style.
Whatever.
Michael?
Baby.
- What are you doing here?
- What do you think?
- What about your daddy?
- What about him? I'm a big girl now.
Big girls do big people things.
Baby.
- Really, we should...
- Should what?
- We should keep this PG-13.
- Okay.
- Baby, be gentle.
- I will.
That's it.
Wake it up, asshole.
It's breakfast.
You might want to put that thing away.
'Cause we don't want no hard dicks
at the breakfast table.
- Good morning, baby.
- Good morning, baby.
Good morning.
Okay, Michael,
this is my grandma and grandpa.
Oh, great, okay, it's a pleasure
to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins.
No, baby, this is my mama's parents,
Mr. and Mrs. Brown.
Yeah, and you get that shit right.
Very nice to meet you,
Mr. and Mrs. Brown.
- Glad to meet you, too, son.
- Very nice to meet you, Patrick.
You'll have to excuse her,
she's a little senile.
- What?
- No, no. It's okay, it's okay.
He's a nice young man.
Too bad you couldn't have met
a nice young man.
Now I've said something to you before
about that shit.
Don't come over here
and start no shit with me.
- Not today, please, Papa.
- Come on, Papa, it's Thanksgiving.
You need to shut up.
Your man ain't about shit, either.
Your daddy about to get
his old light-skinned ass whooped.
- That's what's gonna down...
- Paul will beat you like...
Hey, hey!
Can't we just be civil for five minutes?
This is Michael's first visit with us.
You want the young man to think
we a bunch of lunatics?
We is.
Yeah, you're right.
What is it you do for a living, Mike?
Somebody pass me the bacon.
I'm a police officer.
- As in, "cop"?
- Yes.
- Might be nice to have a cop in the family.
- Wonderful.
- Really?
- Yeah, really.
Yeah.
I've got a couple of moving violations,
maybe you could kind of...
We can talk about that later, you know,
'cause I don't do that for everybody.
- Yeah, he doesn't really do that.
- It's really not...
You know, we can talk about that later.
Good morning, y'all, what's up,
what's up? Good morning.
Hey, June Bug!
Have a look at all the senior sexy in here.
- What's that I smell?
- Nothing.
Bullshit! That's reefer I smell.
You've been smoking reefer
without your granddad again?
No, Grandpa, you know
I wouldn't do that to you.
I saved you some.
- Some of that biblical-type mind...
- Hey, hey, hey.
Careful what you say now.
You know, we got the cops in here.
Babylon is in the house.
Five-O.
- Morning.
- Morning, neez.
Kind of uncomfortable with me sitting
this close, ain't it? Shoulder to shoulder.
You're used to me being in the back seat,
locked up, handcuffed.
Do something now. Do something now!
Anyway, before I was
so cop-fully interrupted...
Later on, at the dinner we's having
tonight, the Thanksgiving one.
Right, I was gonna announce my
engagement to Lupe, my mail-order bride,
I got her over there from like Monte...
Like one of them old...
She's like from places where they don't...
You know, where they be speaking
other than what I say.
Like I say this,
and they say something else.
Unfortunately,
before we had a chance to...
Consummate.
- What, Mama? The word you told me...
- Consummate.
Before we got a chance to get together,
she ran off with Hector, the gardener.
- That dirty bitch.
- Mama.
Talking about she was
more comfortable with him, you know,
she says, you know,
she's all happy and stuff now probably.
Keeping it pimping like Daddy.
That's what I'm gonna do.
Keep it pimping like Daddy
from now on. I ain't... All that love shit...
Like you said, Daddy,
after the motherfucking...
"Ten years, fuck the bitch,"
remember that?
Daddy was like, "After 10 years,
what the fuck I need her for?
"Your mama barely got by,"
you remember
you was me telling me about that.
You were like, "She was cool,
but it wasn't the way..." You remember?
Hey, you know, Ashley and I, we kind of
have an announcement of our own.
- We've been dating for quite some time.
- You know what? I'm done eating.
Yeah, I'm tired, too, man.
I'm feeling sleepy right now.
Grandpa, you wanna go do that?
- I'm tired.
- Yeah, let's go do that.
I'm right behind you.
Don't you all just drop the dishes
in the sink, rinse them off first, okay?
We know, we know,
Mama, we know.
I don't believe we've met.
We'll be
right back with Dark Wolf,
part of our Thanksgiving Day
horror marathon.
Well, this is some marathon.
Yeah.
Excuse me.
Would you help me
with a little something in the back?
I'd be happy to.
Oh, pussy, that's it.
Oh, it's sure on, Daddy!
You gonna give me
some head, too?
- Did your grandma...
- Don't ask.
Yeah, you know, everybody was out there
waiting for the goddamn turkey,
I burned the whole goddamn turkey.
It had the stuffing and the plastic
all stuck up inside the goddamn thing.
Oh, my Lord!
Why'd you bring that shit up right now?
I thought my daddy was never gonna
leave you alone about that one, boy.
Yeah, well, he hasn't,
he brought it up earlier.
Which brings me to my next point.
You see the way in which
my father treats you?
- Yeah, I see that.
- You don't like it, do you?
Never have.
Where you going with this, baby?
You're treating Michael
the same way, Jake.
- No, it ain't the same.
- Yes, it is.
No, it ain't. Goddamn it, it ain't.
Now, that boy's a stinking-ass cop,
and you know how I feel about cops.
Oh, come on, now.
You need to get over that.
You know, you are much too old
to still be stuck in all that revolutionary,
seize-the-time black power crap.
Now, I know damn well
this ain't coming from the same woman
who used to march side by side
with me and had the big-ass afro,
the pick with the fist on it,
and that damn dashiki,
I know you not talking no shit.
Well, if you haven't noticed,
I moved on, brother.
You know, I joined the work force.
What's that got to do
with the struggle, baby?
It's a different world today, Jake.
You got everybody wanting to be a thug
instead of a man.
You ought to be glad
she not walking up in here
with some gang-banger named Poop Dog,
with his pants hanging half off his ass.
Well, baby, ain't nothing wrong with that,
that's the way
they wear their pants today,
- that's the style.
- Oh, please.
Please, if we'd have had it your way,
she'd have ended up married
to that damn Malik, then what?
She'd be his ninth baby mama by now.
She'd be raising the child all by herself,
while he's stuck in the joint doing life.
- Quadruple life.
- Exactly.
You know, you ought to be glad
she walked up in here
with a man got a job,
who seem to be about something.
Jake, baby,
you know, you keep this up,
all you gonna do is push Ashley
further and further away
from the both of us.
Better not nobody say nothing
about my potatoe salad, okay?
Took me three days to make this,
I don't wanna hear no,
"Who made the potatoe salad?"
Or it's gonna be on.
Okay, okay.
Yeah, so, Ashley,
what's up with you and Michael?
I mean, y'all talking marriage,
babies, or what?
- Maybe.
- Well, I think he's a very nice young man.
- I think he's a keeper.
- I think so, too.
I just get so upset that Daddy and him
aren't getting along, you know?
Sweetie-pie, you can't be
with who your daddy like.
Girl, I can't think of one boyfriend I had
that Daddy did like.
The last one I had that he liked was Malik.
- Now that ought to tell you something.
- Right.
Is that boy still locked up?
- Four life sentences. I think so.
- Oh, goodness!
Baby, you know when your
mama and daddy first got together,
I thought your daddy
was a real piece of shit,
but she up and married him anyway.
- Thank you, Mama.
- You're welcome, baby.
You know what, baby?
As long as he hitting that spot
like he's supposed to,
you know everything is all right.
Where your daddy at?
Mr. Brown? Mr. Brown.
Mr. Brown.
Go, go, go! Ain't this part a bitch?
The boy did fumble the ball
on the one yard line.
How in the hell do you drop the ball
on the one yard line?
- Damn.
- Boy.
I done told you about cussing
in other people's houses.
Get your little ass out of here.
I wonder where the hell
he get that shit from.
Probably from you, you ignorant ass.
- Keep talking, wheelchair bitch.
- And what, punk?
And I'm gonna whoop off
on your old senior citizen ass
like your step-daddy should have,
you son of a bitch.
You freckle-faced bitch.
Hey, y'all come on now, it's Thanksgiving.
Get this pussy out of my face.
You better give thanks that I don't whoop
off on your old, ancient, last-supper ass.
- Baby.
- Any time, junior.
- Okay.
- Any time!
Grandpa. Damn. Dinner's ready, y'all.
Y'all think y'all can stop fighting
long enough so we can eat?
I'll let him slide that long.
Come on, go, go, go.
I'm going to take the batteries out of
your pacemaker and hide your wheelchair.
Take this battery, bitch.
Scott Stevens
open in the wide out...
Oh, and it's a completed pass to Stevens!
Right on his fingertips.
Good game.
Approaching the red zone.
And it looks like it's going to be
a real ballgame today, folks.
Let's bless the table.
All right.
Y'all weren't gonna say no grace
without me, right?
June Bug, sit your crazy ass down.
Let's bless our table. Bow our heads.
Dear heavenly Father, thank you
for yet another Thanksgiving together.
Thank you for my entire family,
as well as our new extended
family member, Michael.
We thank you for this food,
and we pray that the hands
that prepared it are blessed.
- Amen.
- Amen.
- Amen, daughter.
- Amen.
Let's grub, let's grub!
Get back into hearing amen
and all that stuff.
And whatever come after "A" and "men..."
June Bug, get your fingers out the turkey.
In front of people, don't do it?
- What's wrong with you?
- Everything.
These candy yams look delicious.
Yes. My mama made them.
They are so good.
Thank you, baby.
Aren't you gonna try
some of my honey-roasted ham?
- I'm afraid I don't eat pork, ma'am.
- Don't eat pork?
A black man that don't eat pork
is a traitor to his race.
Don't be rude, boy.
Go on and eat some of the ham.
The ham is good.
Got cloves in it.
Yeah, just try a little taste.
Yeah, eat up.
Go on,
just take a tiny little piece.
All right, just for you. Just a little piece.
Just a little piece. There you go.
Baby, that ain't enough
to even get a good taste.
Come on and try this ham. Come on.
- Yes, shove it in his mouth.
- Yeah.
- Chew, nigga.
- All right.
Get used to that.
Chew.
Don't be bullshitting with it.
It's good. It's real good.
Good. Anybody else want some ham?
- No.
- No, thank you, Mom.
No. I can't do it now.
- No.
- No, thank you.
- Love you, Grandma.
- Give that to the guest.
- Lil' Ray, that's enough.
- But that's all I want.
You better eat all of them vegetables up
or your stomach be hurting
and you'll be backed up.
Potatoe salad.
Now that's my favorite right here.
Who made the potatoe salad?
This motherfucker...
- Oh, shit.
- Oh.
Why, huh? Why, nigga?
You don't walk into a fast-food restaurant
and ask who's on fries, do you?
Do you waddle up into Roscoe's and ask
who's filling the motherfucking waffles?
Huh? No, no, no, you don't.
So why does it matter
who made the damn potatoe salad?
- It don't really matter.
- Exactly my point.
Now, scoop some up on your
punk-ass plate and shut the fuck up.
Now!
- Scooping. Scooping.
- Scoop it, nigga.
- Scoop, nigga.
- Eat it all, look at him.
- Scoop right here.
- There you go.
- He didn't mean it, Mookie.
- Another scoop. That's two scoops.
You know he didn't mean it.
There's nothing wrong
with your potatoe salad.
Yeah.
Your potatoe salad is dry.
- Yeah, it like the desert.
- That's right.
It is not dry.
I just didn't have enough mayonnaise
last year.
That's right.
What about the year before last?
All right. All right, dear.
I mean, what about that nasty ham
that Grandma makes?
What?
- I thought it was good.
- Shut up.
- Shut your ass up.
- Shut up.
You about to get your ass whipped, boy.
Since we're speaking of nasty,
what about this nasty-ass raw turkey
we be eating every year?
- You better watch your damn mouth.
- That's turkey?
You know what, son of a bitch?
I'm gonna tell you one goddamn thing.
I didn't want you
at this goddamn Thanksgiving dinner.
Yeah, this turkey is good.
This is a good goddamn turkey.
It ain't nothing wrong with this turkey.
The turkey is just rare.
Rare, my ass. The turkey is raw.
- It's raw every goddamn year.
- Fuck you.
Last year, you cooked up
the damn plastic bag
with the giblets still inside
the goddamn turkey.
And the plastic bag was raw.
You say another fucking word, I'll carve
that hat right off your goddamn head.
- The shit is raw and bad.
- You raw, motherfucker.
Your ass is raw.
That's why I have to drink
this messed-up punch,
to wash the shit down.
You said you liked my punch, Papa.
They gonna be cracking in here
the way I like it.
- No, I ain't taking no ass-whooping.
- What the fuck you gonna do?
Take the goddamn carver
and just carve his black ass up.
Ray Ray, rip his ass.
That ain't your son, no way. That ain't...
Get him, Grandpa!
Let him have it, Grandpa!
Bring your bags.
I'm getting out of this ragged
motherfucker as soon as I can.
Never forgiving that fool.
I don't need it... Come on, get the hell out.
I don't give a goddamn.
If we wanted to be treated like this,
we could have gone to the local shelter,
and had dinner with the homeless
and the underprivileged.
Well, you know what, you son of a bitch?
Next time you can do that shit.
Stop it, Jake.
I don't like your goddamn father,
he don't like me.
That ain't the point. These are my parents.
Mama, Daddy, please stay. I'm sorry.
What's she sorry about?
She is sorry
because she allowed her family
to be so rude to her mother and her father.
Who's her mother
and father? Do we know them?
- Jesus Christ, she's crazy...
- Mama.
Stop it.
Come on, baby,
let's get the hell on out of here.
That'll be a good goddamn idea.
- Come on, Daddy.
- We'll see you again.
All right.
We'll have you back for Christmas.
Where we gonna have
Thanksgiving dinner?
- Mama.
- Come on, Mama.
- Come back Christmas, Mama.
- Okay.
- Take your ragged-ass hat with you.
- Oh, stop!
- Take that shit...
- Jake.
I'm tired of it.
It took me three damn days
to make that damn potatoe salad.
You would think for once I wouldn't have
to hear, "Who made the potatoe salad?"
- It was good. It was good.
- I know.
Y'all, I'm sorry I acted the way I did,
but your albino-possessed-ass daddy
- can French kiss my ass.
- I'm with you. I'm with you.
Hey, Ray Ray, you be good.
Holler back at me now.
Well, there goes Thanksgiving.
I told you when I seen that little boy,
the little motherfucker
was going to be trouble.
It wasn't his fault, Daddy.
Yeah, whatever.
God!
There's plenty of food left
if y'all still hungry.
Thanks, Mom.
June...
You have the right to remain
motherfucking silent.
Anything the fuck you say,
can and will be used against your ass
in the streets I'm motherfucking with.
- This is all my fault.
- No, it's not.
Believe it or not,
this kind of thing happens all the time.
Thanks, but that really doesn't
make me feel much better.
Well, we're leaving tomorrow.
Everything will be fine when we get home.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What about making
the engagement announcement?
- It's gonna have to wait.
- Ashley.
Look, I'm sorry, but...
Sorry, we'll just have to talk about it
on the train tomorrow, okay?
Try to get some sleep.
Frank, yeah, what's up, man?
Yeah, this is Mike.
I know I haven't talked to you
since the academy, I know.
And I missed your wedding
and your son's circumcision.
Yeah, I know all that, okay,
but that's not important.
This is important. I need a big favor.
All right, baby.
- Jake.
- Take your shirt off, will you?
- Take your shirt off.
- No.
- Baby, you're sweating my hair.
- Come on now.
Frank. Frank, is that you?
- Is that you?
- Yeah. Yeah.
You didn't tell me
this place was this far in the hood.
Man, there's dogs out there. Pit bulls.
Look, man, are you sure
these people don't have guns?
Yeah, they do, but don't worry
about that, though.
- What?
- No, no. Trust me, trust me.
How come you didn't wear
the brown makeup like I told you?
Ain't nobody gonna believe
a white guy would try to rob this house.
- They didn't have any at the 99 cent store.
- Cheap ass.
Besides, people'll just think
I'm looking for crystal meth.
Whatever. Come on. Come on.
You're a fool. Come on.
- Come on. Help me move this coffee table.
- Okay.
This is where I'm gonna whoop you at,
right here in this area.
Sounds good to me. Yeah.
All right. Cool. Cool. All right.
Let's change positions.
- Let's be... 'Cause...
- Good idea. Good idea.
They'll see me when they come down.
They'll see me.
- Yeah, good thinking.
- All right.
- Here we go.
- All right.
Now we gonna do this just like
we used to do at the academy.
Nothing different. Stay loose.
All right. You ready? All right, ready?
Go.
Santa Claus?
- Who's that, baby?
- I don't know.
Come up in this motherfucker?
I don't think so.
Good. Right where I left it.
Come on!
Go to sleep. Go to sleep.
I got this. I got this. I got this.
Teach you to fuck
with the Jenkins, motherfucker.
Michael.
How could you do this?
I thought we were friends.
Oh, God.
I have no idea how he knew my name.
Really?
Wait. Wait a minute.
Do you know him, Michael?
No.
Well, kind of.
What the fuck do you mean, "Kind of,"
young blood?
Yeah, what do you mean, Michael?
Michael, please tell me
you didn't have anything to do with this.
Hell, no.
Look, I just figured if...
I figured if I staged a burglary,
and saved the day,
your dad would like me.
Then we could tell him
we're getting married.
Married? Hell, no.
I would never allow my daughter
to marry a motherfucker like you.
You put my family in jeopardy
with this nonsense
you're bringing into my house.
Look, sir...
Tell the paramedics to come back.
They forgot somebody.
How could you do this, Michael?
Somebody could have got killed.
Baby, I just wanted
your family to accept me.
You said we would be together whether
you clicked with my parents or not.
I didn't care whether they liked you or not,
but now, I don't know.
Maybe we shouldn't be together.
- No, Ashley, Ashley, don't...
- Wait, wait. Wait.
Just get your shit and get out.
I am truly disappointed.
Baby, we're about to hit rush hour traffic.
We got to go. Come on.
Tell me, Daddy,
why did you hate Michael so much?
- 'Cause the boy's a pig, Ashley.
- I mean, other than that.
What was so wrong with him?
He's a punk.
The boy is soft.
I can't believe you can't see that.
- Is that it?
- Yeah, I mean, what else is there?
Me being happy.
And that makes you happy?
Staged robberies in my house
makes you happy?
No.
Me being with Michael makes me happy.
I love everything about him. His laugh,
his personality, everything.
But he's a pig, Ashley.
And you know how I feel about...
Daddy, it's not the '60s anymore. God!
Decent black men, proud black men
can be police officers.
Well, I don't know anything
about that, Ashley, okay?
Isn't civil rights and equal opportunity
what you guys were fighting for
in the first place?
Yeah.
Yeah, well, I'll say Michael
is a shining example of just that.
A proud black man
who wants to marry a black woman,
who just happens to be a police officer.
Daddy, if that's not an example
of freedom, then I don't know what is.
Ashley, baby, we gotta go.
We're running out of time. Let's go.
Hey, Mike.
Hey, man, I'm sorry to hear
about you and Ashley, you know.
It's all right.
So, she is single now.
Sorry, tough break.
Mike, you know how we do?
Take it one day at a time.
You know what I'm saying?
Keep your head up...
Yeah, you know, I got divorced
a couple of years ago.
- Dude, it was rough.
- Really?
Yeah, but they say
the fourth one's the toughest.
You're just on your first, you know...
Keep your head up, dude. Fight the power.
Mike, let me get him out of here.
Listen, take care of yourself,
talk to me, give me a call, whatever.
You're good. I appreciate that.
- Cool?
- Yeah.
- You're sure?
- You're good.
- Let's go.
- She looks great.
Come on, White. Damn.
Hey, young blood. How you doing?
What are you doing here?
I thought you hated me.
Is there somewhere that
we can talk in private around here?
Yeah, yeah. You know, we could...
Right here.
Have a seat, son.
Now, I came down here to rap with you
for a second,
'cause I didn't like what went down
back at the house.
- Listen, Mr. Jenkins, I didn't...
- Let me finish, son. Let me finish.
Now,
to say that me and the pigs...
I mean, law enforcement, have an
unstable history is an understatement.
Not only was there
the alleged attempted murder
of a police officer,
but it's the fact that the pigs...
I'm sorry, the cops,
along with the Federal Government,
plotted to take my party down.
They infiltrated my organization
and caused dissension among the ranks,
turning a lot of us into snitches,
dope fiends, pimps and hoodlums.
They would have you to believe
that my party was a gang.
We wasn't no gang.
We had all kinds of beautiful programs
for the people in the community.
We had after-school programs,
we had free breakfast for the kids,
we registered our people to vote.
All we were trying to do
was protect our community.
Thanks.
And my feeling for police officers
runs real deep.
But I came here to tell you
that my feelings for my daughter
run even deeper.
I see the way that she loves you
and I don't want to lose my baby girl.
So I came here to tell you
that I would be happy
to have you as a son-in-law.
As long as you don't stage no more
fake robberies in my goddamn house.
No more "Keystone Kop," "Shaft" shit,
you know?
All right, I won't fuck with you
about that no more.
I don't have to eat pork, do I?
Well, you know, I was always conflicted
about the pork issue
when I was in the Party.
I mean, pork ain't never killed nobody.
Okay, no pork.
Hey, look, I just want to say
I'm sorry for being so hard on you.
No, that... No, it's...
That's right. That's good enough
right there. That's about all I can handle.
Now fall back, now. Fall back.
- Okay, no.
- All right.
- Who's in there?
- The interrogation room.
Hey, Daddy.
Why don't you and him
do your own little thing?
Love conquers all, right?
Yeah, baby, yeah.
- Chill that metro shit!
- Love conquers all.
So, there it is.
I finally got my wish.
Me and Ashley were married
in a small, quaint garden
in South Central,
and we lived happily ever after.
That is until Christmas at the Jenkins'.
Due to some counseling, a good time
and a few cartons of cigarettes,
I'm able to correspond
with you once again.
Now, I just wanted to call
and congratulate you on your nuptials.
You know, with whatever mock-ass nigga
you about to marry.
Now, I ain't hating, you know,
I'm congratulating.
But you know what fucks with me?
Is the fact that you'll probably
never be able to see
that motherfucking slithering cobra.
You know how that helmet gets fatter
than a motherfucking fat-rat.
You know what I'm saying? You'll never
be able to see the creepy clingy,
the bull's blow, the rat-a-tat-tat.
No, but on the real, you know,
congratulations on y'all
little wedding and shit.
You know, I ain't no hating.
Congratulating like a motherfucker.
There's enough pussy to go around.
Pussy everywhere.
I know there's about 235 bitches
out there right now free to fuck
since I'm locked the fuck up.
Plus that little half a bitch, that midget,
you know what I'm saying?
Like to toss her around.
But you was my favorite girl. Yeah.
Bonaventure. Bonaventure.
Hey, on a real, though,
that little mock-ass
nigga you're with and shit,
you know, y'all coming out
of that motherfucking church,
you know, and they start throwing rice,
I hope that shit is rocks, bitch!
You know what I'm saying?
Fuck you, the priest,
your mama, all them motherfuckers
sitting there, whoever watching this bitch.
All y'all is some punk motherfuckers.
Yeah. G-up!
Kiss my motherfucking ass, bitch.
"You may now kiss the bride," bitch.
He kissing my dick, tell that nigga that.
What's that nigga's name?
Write me back, baby.
Write me back.
Thinking about you, always.