Whoopee! (1930) Movie Script
ALL: Whoopee! Whoopee!
Whoopee! Whoopee!
(ALL WHOOPING)
(ALL CLAMORING)
Quiet, folks.
We've ridden 20 miles
today to see
Sally Morgan and Sheriff Bob Wells
get married!
ALL: Whoopee!
Whoopee!
What a wild man
you are, Bill!
Wild enough
to tame you!
Oh, yeah!
Yeah!
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh!
A cowboy's a wild man
But, oh, what a mild man
the wildest of cowboys can be
One girl can subdue him
If she'll bill and coo him
Then goodbye
to his liberty
I'm married, so take it
from me, gee!
MEN: Cowboy, you're
gone from the start
With the lassie who
lassoes your heart
Oh, she takes
just one look at you
And, cowboy, your wild days
are through
WOMEN: You go out and buy her
the tiniest size in rings
She ties you tight
to the end of her apron strings
MEN: And cowboy you're branded
right from the start
By the lassie who
lassoes your heart
ALL: Whoopee!
Whoopee!
(ALL CHEERING)
(LIVELY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
ALL: Whoopee! Whoopee!
ALL: Cowboy, you're
gone from the start
With the lassie who
lassoes your heart
Oh, she takes
just one look at you
And, cowboy,
your wild days are through
You go out and buy her
the tiniest size in rings
She ties you tight
to the end of her apron strings
And cowboy you're branded
right from the start
By the lassie who
lassoes your heart!
(LAUGHING)
Hey, Sheriff Bob,
how do you like these
outfits we rented for your wedding?
You look like a bunch of
scared coyotes.
Why, that sick cuss
Henry Williams
told us this is
the right way to dress.
Henry Williams did, eh?
Yeah!
Well, he was kidding you,
you dumb critters!
Well, if he was, we're
gonna do a little kidding ourselves
when we catch
hold of him!
Come on, fellas.
Let's go on.
Let's go get him.
(MISS CUSTER HUMMING)
Here's that stuff from the drugstore,
Miss Custer!
Thank you, Bud.
Costs 15 bucks.
Why, that's cheap.
Here's your change.
Thank you.
Say, is that guy
Henry Williams
really as sick as
he thinks he is?
He's so full of pills,
they can't operate on him.
He keeps rolling
off the table!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Come on, sweetheart.
Come on, little girl.
Come on, darling!
There you are! Come on in!
There you go!
There you are!
Henry Williams,
what's that?
Condensed milk.
What are you going
to do with the calf?
Miss Custer, remember, I'm lonesome,
and I need a companion.
Well, if you want
a companion,
why don't you
get a nice girl?
Well, that's
a good idea, too.
But I don't know,
I feel so safe with a calf.
Give me that.
Well, I don't mean that.
Miss Custer, leave my baby go!
Oh, please leave her go.
Go on,
you troublemaker!
Miss Custer,
I don't think I'll be troubling
you much longer!
Don't talk like
that, Henry.
Why, when you came west a year ago,
you may have been sick then,
but now you're as
healthy as I am!
Is that good?
There's really nothing
the matter with you.
Nothing the...
What about the pain
around my heart?
That'll go away.
Yeah, and I'll
go with it.
And then how
about my stomach?
Just a little
indigestion.
A little
indigestion!
My stomach is so bad
when my grandfather died,
he left me $20,000,
and in six weeks,
I'd spent it all on milk of magnesia.
Would you
believe that?
And what about
my lungs?
The doctor says your lungs are
practically brand new.
They should be.
I've never used them.
For nine years,
I've been breathing with my liver.
Henry, you are just
a hypochondriac!
Yes, am I?
How would you like
to see my operation?
No, no, sit down.
Poor Henry, let me
hold your hand.
It's not heavy. I can manage.
Hold your own hand.
Oh, Henry, when I
do hold your hand, like this,
and put my arm
around you
and kind of snuggle
up to you like that,
doesn't it suggest
anything to you?
Yes, it does,
but with my health,
I'd better not
think about it.
Sit down.
(ALARM RINGING)
Henry,
I've been your nurse
for three years now, haven't I?
(MUMBLING)
Nurse for three years.
Do you know why I
studied nursing?
No, why?
Because I'm romantic.
No.
Most girls like big,
strong, healthy men.
Husky, husky.
Yeah, but not me.
No?
I like weak men.
Oh.
I have a positive
passion for a weak man.
I suppose if I was paralyzed,
you'd be cuckoo about me, huh?
(ALARM RINGING)
Silly.
Henry.
I'll bet you don't
know what today is.
(GROANS)
What is today?
Today is Sally's
wedding day.
Can't you feel it, Henry?
It's in the air!
It's all around us.
Romance!
Look in my eyes,
Henry!
I'm looking.
You know I love you.
Oh, Miss Custer!
And you know that
I'm sure that you love me!
Oh, please, Miss Custer!
Oh, Henry, don't you
know how I feel?
Henry, marry me!
Put me down!
Put me down! Put me down.
Listen, darling!
Get away with
your passion.
You give me
goose pimples.
Will you go away?
Go away.
Oh, Henry, please.
Please, marry me.
Why, I'd take such good care of you.
I'd keep you
comfy and warm!
But it would be much cheaper
for me to get a hot water bottle.
Go ahead, will you,
Miss Custer?
Oh, how can you hurt a person's feeling?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry if
I've offended you.
But you work me up to
such a pitch with your lovemaking.
Why do you do it?
You know I'm not well.
Why do you make
overtures to me
when I need intermissions
so badly?
Besides, Miss Custer, I couldn't marry you.
I'm too delicate.
But I love you
that way.
Yes, but it wouldn't be fair to our children
to be born without vitamins.
Oh, Miss Custer.
(WHEEZING)
Oh, Henry,
you must love me.
You're breathing
so heavily.
That's not love, you fool.
That's my asthma.
Now, wait a minute.
What are you doing that for?
Aren't you supposed
to be my nurse?
What do you say,
boys?
How are you,
Wanenis?
Hello, Dick.
I'm glad to see you!
We ain't seen much
of you around here
since you graduated
from college.
Where you been?
Why, I've been down in Montana,
laying out
copper mines!
Oh, that's right.
You're a regular mining engineer
now, ain't you?
(CHUCKLES)
I'm working at it.
How come you're
here today?
Oh, got kind of lonesome for the
old stamping grounds
and all the friends
I left here.
Sure tough that Wanenis
came back here today.
Why?
Well, the poor galoot's
been in love
with Sally ever since
they were kids.
He's part Indian,
and her old man wouldn't let them
get hitched.
That's why
he went away!
What are you
doing here?
Who invited you?
Invited me?
Why, I didn't know I
needed an invitation, Mr. Morgan.
I've always been
welcome here before.
Sally is marrying
Bob Wells today.
I shouldn't think that you would
want to be at her wedding.
If I were you,
I'd go.
Your father will tell
you that I'm right.
Him right.
Maybe you come
now, huh?
Best for you.
Black Eagle know.
Black Eagle,
I must see Sally.
No.
I'm going to her.
No.
Oh, hello, fellas.
How are you? Hello.
How's every...
How have you... Hello.
Hello.
(WHISTLING)
You know,
when I was a kid...
Nobody cares about
when you was a kid.
Say, listen, you dressed us up
like this, didn't you?
Well, I hope you
appreciate it.
Yes, and to show you how much we
appreciate it,
we're gonna
dress you up!
But I don't want
to be dressed up...
(ALL CLAMORING)
(WHISTLING SOFTLY)
Wanenis.
Sally.
Please come down.
I must speak to you.
Wanenis.
Then you're going
to marry Bob Wells?
I knew this would
happen, but it hurts.
Father wants me
to marry Bob.
And since we can't have one another,
I just don't care.
It's your father
who convinced me
that our marriage
was impossible,
'cause I'm an Indian.
Wanenis, don't.
I'm sorry, Sally.
I know it's wrong of me to make
you sad on your wedding day.
Please forgive me.
I wish you
every happiness.
I know I can't have you.
But I can't bear the thought
of anyone else having you.
When the winter's over
When the summer's through
When there's
prairie clover
I'll still belong to you
Far above the plain
When the moon is new
When it's on the wane
I'll still belong
to you
Winds may blow as though
they know what I've told you
Yet the more they blow
The closer
I'll hold you
Though the world
may take me
From a world for two
Though you may
forsake me
I'll still belong
To you
MR. MORGAN: Sally. Sally!
Sally, please come back.
Sally.
(GUN FIRES)
Why, Wanenis,
I didn't know that was you.
I thought it was some
skunk prowling around.
You know,
you can't be too careful at a time like this.
(BLACK EAGLE MOANS)
I suppose you came back
to see me marry Sally?
If you'd like to take
another shot at me,
give me a gun,
and we'll shoot
it out together.
I don't fight
with Indians.
I don't want you hanging
around here anymore,
and neither
does Sally.
Savvy?
Listen, fellas.
If you see him or anyone else
trying to go up that ladder again,
next time...
Better you come
now, huh?
Come, Wanenis. Come.
Miss Custer! Oh, Miss Custer!
Miss Custer! Miss Custer!
Where is that woman?
Where is that nurse? Miss...
Wanenis!
Hello, Henry.
How are you?
Hello, Black Eagle.
I'm glad
to see you.
Yeah, me too.
I haven't seen you in a long time.
That's right.
How's your health?
I'm sorry you asked.
Last week,
I looked so terrible,
two undertakers left
a deposit on me.
And say, what's happened to you?
What's the matter?
It's nothing, Henry.
Just a scratch.
I'm in a little
trouble.
Yeah, you're in
a little trouble.
All you've got is a
scratch. Look at me.
I've got five
dangerous ailments,
with hardly
a chance of recovering.
And, oh, look where
cactus is growing.
(GROANS)
Henry, I'm in love.
That's hard luck, too.
Last week, I bought a suit
with two pairs of pants
and burned a hole
in the coat.
But I've lost the
girl that I love,
and my heart is
very heavy today.
Your heart is heavy?
My heart is five times
the normal size.
But you don't
understand.
This girl and I
grew up together.
I am an Indian!
(MOANS)
He suffers from gas, too.
Isn't it terrible?
Why, Henry, a way back,
my people were chiefs.
(MOANS)
Why don't you try
bicarbonate of soda?
You'll be a new
Indian, really.
But I'm only a
small part Indian.
How small?
Well,
my great-grandfather married a white girl.
So did mine.
What is that?
Did you know that
I'm a half-breed?
Are you a half-breed?
Sure. I breathe through
one side of my nose.
Sinus.
For this girl that I love,
I've studied the ways of your race.
Why, I've gone
to your schools.
An Indian in a Hebrew school!
How... Oh, for heaven...
(GROANING)
How did you
get along?
About since I
was that high,
I've striven to be something
among your people.
I know. We all have
our disappointments.
From the time I
was this high...
That's even lower than
yours. See that?
I figured out someday I
might be a great aviator
like Lindbergh or Byrd.
But I can never
be an aviator.
Can't eat sandwiches.
Why don't you be like me?
I've been delicate all my life,
but I wouldn't let any woman boss me around,
tell me what to do.
Henry!
I'll see you boys
later, all right.
Henry Williams!
What are you doing
with my bloomers?
Whose bloomers?
I'm not doing anything.
Now, you keep away
from my trunk!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
This is the happiest
day of my life!
You go to the mission, Bob,
and I'll fetch Sally right over.
She ought to be
all ready by now!
Thanks, Mr. Morgan.
Wait a minute,
wait a minute, girls!
You've got plenty
of time, really.
Every time I hear that dear,
old wedding march
I feel rather glad
I have a broken arch
I have heard a lot
of married people talk
And I know that marriage
is a long, long walk
To most people
weddings mean romance
But I prefer
a picnic or a dance
Another bride
Another groom
The countryside
Is all in bloom
The flowers and treeses
The birds and beeses
Are making whoopee
The choir sings
Here comes the bride
Another victim
Is by her side
He's lost his reason
'Cause it's the season
For making whoopee
Down through
the countless ages
You'll find it
everywhere
Somebody makes good wages
Somebody wants her share
She calls him toodles
And rolls her eyes
She makes him strudels
And bakes him pies
What is it all for?
It's so he'll fall for
Making whoopee
Another year
Or maybe less
What's this I hear?
Well, can't you guess?
She feels neglected
And he's suspected
Of making whoopee
She sits alone
Most every night
He doesn't phone
Or even write
He says he's busy
But she says, "Is he?"
He's making whoopee
He doesn't make much money
Five thousand dollars per
Some judge who
thinks he's funny
Says, "You pay six to her"
He says, "Now, Judge
"Suppose I fail"
The judge says, "Budge
"Right into jail"
You'd better keep her
You'll find it's cheaper
Than making whoopee
Henry! Henry,
come here.
What?
I want you to do
something for me!
Sally Morgan,
why aren't you in your wedding dress?
Well, you see,
I'm not going to be married.
What?
Not married in the
mission, I mean.
Sheriff Bob doesn't want these
cowboys to get rough and boisterous.
So he and I are going to sneak to town,
get married there,
and take a train east
for our honeymoon.
Honeymoon.
That reminds me, you know,
my sister's husband wanted to take
her to Florida on their honeymoon,
but she's been to Florida,
so she sent a girlfriend.
(LAUGHING)
Now, listen!
What?
Sheriff Bob wants you to
drive me to the junction.
He'll meet us there.
I'll go in and get my bags.
Wait a minute, Sally,
I'll help you.
Don't do anything
until you hear...
(GUN FIRES)
Oh, for heaven's...
Who did that?
Who did...
(LAUGHING)
Just a little mistake,
partner.
Just a little mistake,
that's all!
(CONTINUES LAUGHING)
(MIMICS LAUGHTER)
Just a little mistake!
I suppose to you the World War
was just a typographical error!
Just a little mistake!
Henry!
What?
Get my bags quickly.
All right, hurry up. I've got it, Sally.
Here, got it?
Take that!
I've got it.
Just come right down.
Now, be careful
of Polly.
Right. I'll be careful.
Come right down,
Sally.
I'll be waiting for you.
Isn't she sweet?
Just take care of yourself.
I'll be all right.
Come right along,
Sally.
(SQUAWKING) Come here, Polly.
What do you want?
POLLY:
I want to make whoopee.
She wants to
make whoopee!
(CHURCH BELLS TOLLING)
MEN: Today's the day
To hear the bridegroom say
"I'll honor and obey"
Today's the day
WOMEN:
Here comes the bride!
MEN: Tonight's the night
The stars will
shine so bright
The honeymoon will
light our happy way
WOMEN:
Here comes the bride!
Spring is a rogue who lightly
trips over all the hills and dales
ALL: Love comes along
and your heart skips
Then you'll hear
the wedding bells
And then you'll say
"The world must
be all right"
Today's the day, today
Tonight's the night
Here comes the bride!
Spring is a rogue who lightly
trips over all the hills and dales
Love comes along
and your heart skips
Then you'll hear
the wedding bells
And then you'll say
"The world must
be all right"
Today's the day, today
Tonight's the night
Sheriff! Boys! Boys!
Where's Bob Wells?
He's coming
right over there!
Sheriff!
What's wrong?
What's happened?
Sally's gone!
Gone? Where?
What do you mean?
I don't know.
She isn't around anywhere!
Has anyone
seen Henry?
Here's a note I
found on the post!
"Dear Father.
Don't be angry with me.
"I just can't
marry Bob Wells.
"I love another,
and don't look for me,
"because when you receive this,
we will be far away.
"I have eloped with
Henry Williams."
Henry Williams!
Well, if she loves him,
I hope she's happy, wherever she is.
And I wish them luck!
Luck!
I'll wish them luck!
When I catch him,
I'll hang him to the highest tree I can find!
Has anyone...
Sheriff, have you seen Henry?
No, but when I do,
you'll never see him again!
Oh, Sheriff, you've
got Henry all wrong.
Why, he's the sweetest,
most harmless little fellow
in the whole world!
Say, what did he do?
He eloped with
Sally Morgan!
The son of a hypochondriac.
I'll kill him!
Boys, come here.
Jim, Jack, Joe, Tex, Slim.
You know what we do with a
critter who steals a horse?
ALL: Yes.
Well, this one just
stole my woman.
Get into your saddles,
because we're gonna ride him down, boys,
and then we're
gonna hang him up.
Don't let a white man get by you!
Come on!
Henry! Henry!
Henry, where are you?
Here I am!
I've been asleep.
Why don't you start the car?
That's a good idea.
That's what I've been trying to
do for the last half an hour.
Have you got gas?
Have I got...
The way I suffer?
Have I got gas?
(CHUCKLES) No, no.
I mean, have you
got gasoline?
Of course
I have gasoline.
How do you think we came here,
with ketchup?
This shows that I
have gasoline, here.
Oh, for the...
Not a drop.
I'm not well.
I thought you'd be
the man to help me.
I thought you'd be
the man to save me.
And you didn't even know
enough to fill your gas tank!
Oh, for the love of...
What's the matter?
I haven't any more
circulation than a herring.
Here you are, bawling me out,
and my temperature drops to normal!
If you keep me out in
these mountains all night,
you won't have to worry
about your health,
because Bob Wells
will kill you!
What do you mean?
I do him a favor, and he'll kill me?
I take you to the sheriff
so he can marry you,
and he's gonna shoot me
because I run out of gasoline!
Henry, you might as
well know the truth.
You're not taking
me to the sheriff.
You're taking me
away from him!
I'm...
Oh, I see. You just
left out the details.
And I left a note saying
that I had eloped with you.
You did what?
Sally Morgan,
I'm going to tear you limb from limb.
Henry,
I did it because I thought you'd help me.
I thought
you were brave.
I'm not brave.
I can't even help myself.
Sally Morgan,
I came out here to die.
Then it's all right,
because if Bob Wells catches us,
you'll get your wish.
But I don't want to
die from Bob Wells!
I want to die
from my sicknesses.
That's what I
want to die from.
I want to die in bed,
and I want to have
doctors and nurses
and flowers and
a little fruit.
That's what I want.
(HORN BLARES)
Oh, for heaven's...
See, you've got me
nervous and jumpy.
What am I going to do
if the sheriff comes?
Take this!
Put it away!
I can't stand the sight of a gun.
I hate guns! Put it away.
I don't like guns.
Even when somebody says "son of a gun,"
I almost faint.
Sally Morgan,
I'm going to take you
back to the sheriff.
Rather than go back
to him, I'll marry you.
Two proposals
in one day.
It's that tonic.
It's that tonic!
Henry, I mean it.
Why don't you marry me
and take me east?
It's impossible.
You know,
we wouldn't really have
to be man and wife.
Secretly, we can be
just good friends!
Yeah, but I can't
keep a secret.
And furthermore, you know,
people will talk.
And you've always
been a good girl.
Don't you think
I am still?
Well, I do, but...
But what?
When is a good girl
not a good girl?
Nine times
out of ten.
Henry, you're
only fooling.
You've never really
been in love.
I haven't?
Listen, Sally.
Love came to me
in the springtime
Just like the
blossoms, I fell
I thought that June
would be ring time
Which proves that
you never can tell
I used to call her
pet names
Tell her
she was divine
But she turned out
to be the girlfriend
Of a boy friend
of mine
I used to
take her places
She loved to
dance and dine
But she turned out
to be the new friend
Of an old friend
of mine
I found that love
was just a joke
I learned what
a broken heart meant
I even started
out to get
A kitchenette
apartment
She thrilled me
with her glances
(MIMICS KISSES)
Her kisses were
just like wine
But she turned out
to be the close friend
Of a Scotch friend of mine
I thought that
we'd be married
Sign on the
dotted line
But she turned out
to be the girlfriend
Of a boy friend
of mine
Listen, Sally,
each time I try to phone her,
what do I get?
Just a busy line
'Cause she turned out
to be the soul mate
Of a cellmate
of mine
Life to me once
was one big thrill
Nobody could
be prouder
Now life is just
a bitter pill
A capsule
and a powder
Why am I pale
and nervous?
Why do I weep
and pine?
'Cause she turned out
to be the real friend
Of a heel friend
of mine
Oh, I'm so tired!
Henry, let's lie down
and go to sleep.
I wouldn't sleep.
Sally, you lie down
and go to sleep.
Let me stay here
and fix the car,
borrow some gasoline,
and maybe we'll be on our way.
See, Sally?
Go on.
Right to sleepy.
Good night, Sally.
Good night, Henry.
Do you want to go
right to sleep?
Yes.
And the mama skunk
was walking along
with the four little
baby skunks.
And one of the baby skunks
said to the mama skunk,
"Oh, Mama.
Look, here comes a great big bear."
And the mama skunk says, "Children,
let us pray. Let us pray."
What are you doing?
(CAR HONKING)
(CONTINUES HONKING)
Hello! Say, look out
there! Let us pass!
Don't block the
road, please!
What is it?
What has happened?
Oh, look,
it's a big Lincoln.
Say, can we have
some gasoline?
Hey, you.
Get out of the way.
I can't stand this.
I'm a very nervous man.
He's a nervous man.
All we need is two
gallons of gasoline.
We haven't any
gas to give away!
If you had any sense,
you'd carry an extra can
in country like this!
Do you?
Why, of course we do.
You do and you refuse to help.
Shame on you!
Never mind,
clear out of the way.
I say, my man,
that's a good old thing.
Chase that bug
off the road.
The bug.
Chase the bug...
How do you like that?
"Chase the bug off the road."
Of course, you can't
be expected to know
the nervous condition
that I am in.
(HORN HONKING)
Stop that.
Stop that!
Hey, you going to
get out of our way,
or do I chase that
flivver up the mountain?
Didn't I tell you
I need gasoline?
Will you go and
get out of the way...
(MEN CLAMORING)
(HONKING CONTINUES)
Would you stop it?
I'm telling you.
Stop.
Give me something, give me...
Here. What are you giving me?
What is it?
Don't shoot!
Get up, up, up, up.
Not you, you fool!
And no funny movements,
either.
Say, you can't shoot
a man like me!
Shall I try?
No. No.
Get out of the car, everybody.
Line up front,
come on.
We'll let you have
a couple of gallons.
Yes. You'll let me have
anything that I want.
Father, he doesn't
know who you are!
Who cares?
What's that?
Driver!
Yes, sir!
Get a can of gasoline.
Yes, sir.
Follow me!
Yes, sir.
Now, then, pour the
gasoline in my tank!
Yes, sir.
Don't forget, my partner up there
is looking at you with a gun.
If you do anything funny,
he'll fill you full of lead.
Yes, sir.
And, you,
take this gun.
If this fellow bats an eye,
you shoot, and shoot to kill.
What's that, Morris?
I'll tell them.
Never mind, I'll tell them.
My partner up there
said that somebody here
wasn't holding up their
hands high enough.
What partner?
My partner, he's up there.
You want to hear him?
Yes.
You up there, Morris?
(FAINTLY) "You bet I am."
Shall I get him?
"All right."
See you later.
"All right."
Goodbye. "Bye."
Good night.
Oh, help!
Help! Help! What was that?
Who did it?
Help! Help!
Take care
of yourself.
What's the matter?
Were you scared?
Pick up that can.
DRIVER: Yes, sir.
Get over here.
Yes, sir.
Get over here with that!
Yes, sir.
You've got the
better of us now,
but in an hour, I'll have the sheriff
of this county on your trail.
You'll have who?
The sheriff of this county!
What do I care?
He's under an obligation to me.
You think I'm afraid of a sheriff?
And you bet he'll get you.
He's a regular man-hunter,
that fellow Bob Wells.
Bob Wells!
(ALL CLAMORING)
(SCREAMING)
DRIVER: Here. Here.
Give me the gun,
all of you.
Thought I dropped
the gun, did you?
(LAUGHS)
Each one of you four,
get around to the tires.
DRIVER: Yes, sir.
Unscrew the valves,
put in the small end
and leak the air out.
When I say, "One, two,"
take her out.
(AIR HISSING)
Now, get around
in front of my car!
I'll be hanged if I do!
Turn around,
or I'll shoot you right
through the heart.
Go ahead. Get around there.
Get around there.
Now, old man. I've got
a surprise for you!
What is it? What?
Crank my flivver!
Me, crank a flivver?
Go on, you old crank.
I'm a sick man!
You're sick?
I'd love to show
you my operation!
Would you...
Go ahead, crank it.
Go on. Get around there, crank it.
Crank it. Come on.
(ENGINE STARTS)
Boy, that's terrible.
Well, I told you.
I ain't no cook.
Say, why don't
you try it?
Oh, there's nothing
female about me, Mort.
Now, listen.
I'm in a fine fix.
The boss is expected here today,
and last night the cook lights out on me.
And if I don't find a new cook,
I'll have to find a new job.
Get out, get out, Sally.
Get out, Sally Morgan.
What's the matter?
I smell cooking.
I hope we can get
something to eat here.
I'm starved.
You're starved.
I want to tell you something,
Sally Morgan.
I've had a piece of toast,
two pieces of asparagus,
and a bottle of Bromo-Seltzer
since Easter Sunday.
Would you believe that?
Henry,
you'd better take those glasses off!
Why, don't be silly.
I can't. Why not?
With my eyes?
(SCOFFS) Even when I
go to sleep at night,
I've got to keep
my glasses on.
What for?
So I can recognize the people
I dream about.
Silly.
Henry, please take
the glasses off!
Oh, all right.
And whatever you do,
don't use our right name!
Well, of course not.
Come in with me.
I'll get you
something to eat.
Hello! Hello!
Hello. Hello.
Oh, look, it's
the new zeppelin!
Say, I'm nervous,
and we're very hungry.
We'd like to have
something to eat.
Oh, you would?
Yes, personally,
I'd like some hot
water and prunes,
bananas and cream,
corn flakes,
and boiled eggs,
two minutes.
If they're two and a half minutes,
I can't eat it,
because the acidity
presses against my heart,
and I've got to take six
Bell-Ans in hot water.
Say, who are you?
What's your name?
Henry.
Henry what?
Ford.
Well, Mr. Ford.
I've heard of you
someplace before.
This is Mrs. Ford,
of course!
Of course.
You see, we've just been married.
She's one of
those new Fords.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Gosh. That's
great! Hey!
I'll be all right.
Just let me take a nap.
I feel good.
I feel good. Go ahead.
I bet you're a great cook,
Mrs. Ford.
Why,
I've never cooked a thing in my life!
Can you cook?
Can I cook?
That's swell.
You get the job.
We need a cook, and you're it.
But... Now, don't argue.
Get to work.
It's exactly 7:00.
7:00!
I'm glad you... I've gotta take two pills.
I've gotta take two pills.
And at 8:00,
I expect you to have breakfast ready.
Now, don't try
to get away.
Your flivver will be
locked up in the garage,
and I'm still pretty
handy with a six-shooter.
Look, mister,
I can't stand anything heavy on my stomach.
Would you mind
taking that...
SALLY: Get it! Get it!
Hey! Get it! Here, here!
Here you are. Here you are.
There you are.
You'll have to cut out this fooling,
both of you.
And get to work.
Now, here's a cook's
hat and coat.
Yes, sir.
Missus.
You set the table in
the patio, out yonder.
Say, what... What
are you gonna cook?
Well, I don't know.
For instance, tell me, what would you like?
Well, a waffle would
hit me all right.
All right, I'll hit
you with a waffle.
I don't mind what
I hit you with.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, my nerves.
What a place! What a mess!
Yes, and the worst
part of it is,
we've committed
highway robbery.
We could go to
prison for that!
Prison. Have they got doctors in prison?
Why, yes.
I'll be all right.
I'll get along.
I'll be all right.
But they'll give you 20 years.
(LAUGHING)
Twenty years...
What are you
laughing at?
Why, the joke's on them.
Why?
I can't live
but six months.
Oh, golly.
You know, I never made
a waffle in my life.
I wouldn't know how to...
Have you got a larger bowl?
(HUMMING)
I'm making waffles
(HUMMING)
I'm making waffles
I'm making waffles
What is this? E-P-S-O-M.
Epsom, Epsom, Epsom...
(HUMMING)
I'm making waffles
(HAMMERING)
"$500 reward..."
(SINGING NERVOUSLY)
Hey, who are you?
Me work here.
Me Greek.
You put that
sign upstairs.
Yeah, and I'm hungry
to get that guy.
You hungry?
I fix you up.
One roast beef, one buttered toast,
one strawberry pie,
one cups coffee...
Hey, I don't want that stuff!
You want something else.
One fried egg, sunny-side up.
Turn on the heat,
turn on the heat
Hey, you're no Greek.
Now, who are you?
What do you care?
I'm asking you,
who are you?
Don't ask so
many questions.
You remind me of
my nurse when you...
Oh, have you a nurse?
I did have, but I
got rid of the pest.
She was a pest, huh?
She was. She was
worse than a pest.
She was a seven-minute
boiled egg.
She was
a blonde weasel.
She was a phooey.
That's what she was, that woman.
Hey, you're not fooling me.
I know you're Henry Williams.
Henry... Who the...
What the... How the...
I did not. I did not.
Now, where's
Sally Morgan?
Why, how do I
know what Sally...
Isn't she here?
Why, no, honestly. No!
But you love her,
don't you?
No, no, no.
I could kiss
you for that.
Why do you want to kiss me?
What kind of a cowboy are you?
Henry, look,
don't you know me?
Miss Custer.
So, I'm a blonde
weasel, huh?
Say...
A phooey.
I knew you all the time.
Oh, yeah.
You didn't fool me.
You knew me, huh?
Pick up your hat, go ahead.
Go ahead, pick it up. Pick it up.
Listen, Henry.
Listen to me.
Do you know that the cowboys and
the sheriff are on your trail?
Sure. They're
all on my trail.
Will you do me a favor, Miss Custer?
Why, sure.
Go and tell them that
everything is all right.
Will you, please?
Will you go and tell them?
Oh, Henry,
did I ever refuse to do anything for you?
No, you haven't.
But this is the one time when
I need you more...
You know what I'm like, Henry.
If I didn't need you...
For three long years,
I've watched over you like a little baby.
When I say...
(HENRY EXCLAIMING)
Henry, stop that
and listen to me.
Don't you know anything at all?
Everybody's after you.
Sure. Yes!
But listen, if Sally
isn't here with you,
I'll protect you
with my life.
Yes, yes.
But if she is here,
heaven help you.
You're such a darling,
Miss Custer.
You're always
trying to help me.
I love you, Henry.
Well, I'll be.
Say, what is this?
Why, it's nothing.
I'm getting a treatment.
This is my nurse.
Nurse?
Well, you'll need a real
nurse and a few doctors, too,
if I don't get
something to eat.
Where's them waffles?
What waffles?
Why, I'll sock you...
Hey, just wait a minute.
Don't you dare
touch him.
Why, he's sick.
He's delicate.
Don't you lay
a hand on him.
One blow
might kill him.
Oh, Henry, dear.
(LAUGHING)
Go, get somebody,
quick.
He's fainted.
Henry!
(HENRY GROANS)
Get the baggage upstairs.
Chester, phone Sheriff Bob Wells
to get here at once.
Right-o.
Oh, it's him!
What... Oh, my nerves,
my nerves.
It's him,
all right.
You get back
up there!
Where? Where?
Where am I?
Mr. Underwood,
welcome home to Bar M Ranch!
Welcome? This is
a fine welcome!
Held up, insulted,
I haven't had anything to eat.
My nerves are
all shattered.
Get me some
breakfast.
Yes, sir, there's the cook,
right there, sir.
Would you care to have
some nice waffles?
No, no, no.
I'm a very nervous man,
and I need plenty of nourishment.
Get me some buckwheat cakes,
fried chicken, fried potatoes,
beans, corn, pudding, salad,
and a nice cup of coffee.
What? No cereal?
Say, where have I
seen you before?
Why, in some hospital.
You've been in a hospital?
All of them.
What's the matter with you?
Oh, nothing.
Just let me take a
nap. I'm all right.
I feel good, now.
I feel good.
But I do have trouble
with my stomach.
Every night for 19 years,
I've had to take bicarbonate of soda.
That's nothing.
I've had stomach trouble all my life.
No?
Look at the coat
on my tongue.
Yeah, look at the
pants on mine.
Say, I've had pneumonia
four times.
Ha! I'm even with you.
I've had double pneumonia twice.
Sit down.
Pull up a chair.
My boy, did you ever
have the hives?
The hives?
I've had the itch and a
broken arm at the same time.
For a sinus operation,
I was under ether one hour and 45 minutes!
An hour and 45 minutes?
Yes.
And you think you were under ether?
Yes.
Mister, they gave
you vanilla.
I'm going to tell
you something.
I had an operation
of water on the knee.
Look at this bump I got from an
operation of water on the knee.
See this bump here?
From an operation
of water on the knee?
Yes, sir, they
ran out of ether.
See the bump here?
See it?
Are you going to have
any more operations?
What do you think the doctor said?
What?
Doctor said if I have one more operation,
he's gonna put in a zipper.
A zipper,
like that.
I got a scar, six inches long,
from appendicitis operation.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I'm gonna show you a scar.
You think
you've got a scar?
I'm gonna show you something,
my dear man, that will amaze you.
Here is really a scar from an operation.
You see that?
Now, look down here,
see that?
All the way down
to the leg?
You see it?
Let me take a look at yours.
Listen, I'm ready
to prove to you.
Here, does this show?
Wait a minute,
see that?
Now, wait a minute,
I wanna show you.
See this? 51,
is that good?
Yes, but, my boy,
look at this one.
Come down here.
Just let me show you an operation.
You see that,
can you see how far down that operation goes?
Now, can you see it?
Say, now, let me see.
Let me see your operation.
For goodness...
Oh, for heaven's...
I don't even think
you had an operation!
Can you see it now?
See what I mean? There you are.
Yes, sir, my boy,
that is some operation.
I'll say so.
Tell me, what did
your operation cost?
$200.
$200?
(LAUGHS)
That's nothing.
Mine cost $2,400.
How much?
$2,400.
Do you mind if I take one more
little peek at it, like...
Oh, well,
no wonder!
You've got
hemstitching.
Sally,
the sheriff and his men are coming.
I cut through the hills
to beat them here.
They're going to hang
Henry Williams. No!
Now, if you love him,
go, and go quickly.
But I don't love him.
Why did you
elope with him?
Because I couldn't
marry Bob Wells.
I don't love him.
If you don't love Henry Williams,
if you don't love Bob Wells,
who do you love?
Last night, when
we were together,
I knew I could never
marry anyone else.
Sally.
Take me away with you
into the mountains.
I'll live the way
of your people.
I can't do that, Sally.
You'd be an outcast!
Oh, I don't care
what they'd say.
But don't you realize that if I let
you make this sacrifice for me,
I wouldn't be
worthy of your love.
It can't be, Sally.
This is the end.
Wanenis.
The Epsom did it.
(HUMMING)
I'm making waffles
Hey, Mr. Underwood,
the sheriff is coming.
Sheriff Bob Wells
is here!
Who did you say?
Sheriff Bob Wells.
Bob Wells! Oh, for...
Listen, fellas,
we pack them here.
You know the
fella I'm after.
Look over the ranch.
Watch the roads.
And don't let a white man get by you.
You get me?
Don't let a white
man get by you.
(EXPLOSION)
Sally Morgan?
How dare you
speak to me?
What the...
Don't you know me?
Henry?
Henry Williams?
Well, of course...
Well, who am I, Amos 'n Andy?
Why, your disguise
is perfect.
How did you ever
think of it?
You mean the black?
Yes.
I didn't.
I got in the stove,
and somebody else thought of it.
Sally Morgan?
You've been crying.
Now, what's the trouble?
I wish I were dead.
Don't say that.
I wish I'd never
been born.
You could have said that first
and saved yourself a wish.
You know that,
don't you?
Henry, if you loved a person,
and they were of Indian blood...
I can't stand the
sight of any blood.
We've no time to fool around.
The sheriff is here.
And he's come
to hang you.
Well, let's not
hang around here.
Here. Who are you?
The waitress.
Who are you?
The cook.
Where's my breakfast?
Your breakfast, ha!
I didn't eat myself yet.
His breakfast... Come on, Sally.
Andy, what kind of
a cook have you got?
Oh, Dad,
I found the bandit's flivver...
What are you
doing here?
Whose flivver is this?
I don't... No!
What's the matter
with you?
Are you crazy?
(GASPS) No!
Just as a precaution,
I think I'd better have the
sheriff arrest you, don't you?
Yes!
Sally, get into
the flivver.
I'll be with you in a minute,
and don't move until I get back!
There must have been
a dozen bandits,
and every one looked
like a killer to me!
Don't worry, Mr. Underwood,
Sheriff Bob Wells always gets his man!
Hey, you.
Come here!
Where you from?
We moved.
Yeah?
What's your name?
Rudy Vallee.
Who is this fella?
He works for me.
He's a cook.
Yes, sir, but I
is a singing cook.
Yeah. Well,
I got an idea maybe you ain't no cook at all.
Maybe you don't
sing, either.
Go on, let's
hear you. Now!
I'm so happy
since the day
That I fell in love
in a great big way
And a big surprise is
someone loves me too
Guess it's hard
for you to see
Just what anyone
could see in me
But it only goes to
prove what love can do
My baby don't
care for shows
My baby don't
care for clothes
My baby just cares for me
My baby don't care
for cars and races
My baby don't care
for high-toned places
My baby don't care for rings
or other expensive things
She's sensible as can be
My baby don't
care who knows it
My baby just cares for me
My baby's no Gilbert fan
Ronald Colman
is not her man
My baby just cares for me
My baby don't care
for Lawrence Tibbetts
She'd rather have
me around to kibitz
Bud Rogers is
not her style
And even Chevalier's smile
Is something
that she can't see
I wonder what's
wrong with baby
My baby just cares
for me, me, only me
Say, that was
pretty good.
Sing us another
chorus of that.
Yeah, sing
us another.
You really
want me to?
Yeah.
My baby don't
care for shows
My baby don't
care for clothes
My baby just cares for me
CHESTER: Help! Help!
BOB: What was that?
Did you think there was a
voice coming from the garage?
Yeah.
Why, that was me.
Well, of course!
I throw my voice in
different directions.
I'm a contortionist.
Didn't you know it?
Listen to this...
How are you?
(FAINTLY)
"All right."
How do you feel?
"Pretty good."
See you later.
"All right."
Goodbye.
"Goodbye."
(EXCLAIMS) You!
My baby don't
care for shows
My baby don't
care for clothes
My baby just cares for me
CHESTER: Help! Help! Help!
Hold that man.
He slugged me.
The bandit's flivver's
in the garage.
They must be
on this ranch.
Was there anyone missing
on this place last night?
Only Mort and Andy.
They went into town.
Take them into the kitchen,
and I'll question them.
Well!
And you, too.
I know, but listen, Sheriff...
Get in there.
I didn't do anything.
Don't tell me that.
I know different.
Yeah,
what about it?
Search those guys.
(LAUGHING)
I'm ticklish!
Let me do it to
you, Sheriff!
Why, I'll smash
you one...
Line up some
chairs here.
I want to
question them.
And sit down.
Now listen, you
guys, all of you...
Pardon me,
if you'll allow me,
I will quickly discover which of
these three men is the guilty one.
How?
By applying
psychology,
if you'll have them do
exactly as I tell them.
They'll do as
they're told.
This is a little
psychological experiment.
I studied the method
in my college laboratory.
Hold these, please.
I'm going to read your
most secret thoughts
by what is known as the
association of ideas.
If you can read my thoughts,
you oughta kick me in the face right away.
BOB: Quiet.
Well, I propose to know not
what you want to tell me,
but what you're
trying to keep from me.
Pardon me.
Did you ever tiptoe through the tulips?
Oh, Esther.
Sit down.
Good boy, Chester.
I'm proud of you.
Thank you, Father.
Look,
he just met his father for the first time.
(LAUGHING)
Have you seen
your mother yet?
I haven't any proper
mechanical apparatus,
but I can use
a substitute.
Use your old man.
What?
Allow me.
You will all hold
your clenched fists
directly out in
front of you, so.
Upon these fists,
the sheriff will place
one of these china plates,
thus.
Then, I'm going to ask
you a few questions.
Then, you're going to hear the
cutest answers you ever heard.
Quiet.
When I speak the word associated
in your mind with your guilt,
you will drop the
plates. You must.
Pardon me.
Have you seen my operation?
Sit down and hold out your fists,
all of you!
Oh, we're gonna
have waffles.
Oh, shut up.
The muscular reaction
of the normal person
acts independent of
the subject's will.
Says which?
I said,
the muscular reaction of the normal person
acts independent of
the subject's will.
Except February,
which has 28.
BOB: Shut up!
Now, listen.
Which one of you men
has ever been
called a scholar?
A poet?
A philosopher?
Which one of you men has
ever been called a thief?
(HENRY LAUGHING)
(IN SINGSONG)
Oh, the sheriff is a thief.
Why, what's the
meaning of this?
Go on,
pull up a chair for the sheriff.
Quiet! I'm not
on trial here.
We'll resume.
Dog, cat, cow, wolf,
lion, leopard...
He's a salesman
for animal crackers.
Shut up.
Automobile, Ford car,
Illinois state license, garage...
That one's guilty.
Take him away!
BOB: Lock him up!
Good boy, Chester.
Isn't he wonderful?
Go on, Chester!
(BLEATS)
May not even
be his boy!
Doctor, parson,
sailor, thief...
Pardon me, are you
wearing a girdle?
Quiet.
Love is sweet.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
The air is soft.
The wind blows.
The waves...
Sit down there,
or I'll bust you in the nose.
Who do you think
you're kidding?
Don't you know I'm the
sheriff of this outfit?
Look down.
Look down, below is sin.
Above is virtue,
look up. Look up.
Let the thief
be known.
HENRY: Let him be known.
Hold him, too.
Only one left.
Well, I guess I won
the spelling bee!
Sit down!
Do you dare answer the
questions I ask you?
Yes, you smothered
lamb chop.
Now, I'll speak
one word.
You answer at once
with just one word
suggested by
the word I speak.
Ready?
Shoot!
Sun!
Hot!
Rain!
Wet!
Crime!
Jail!
Sheriff!
Boob!
What?
Sit down.
It came out of me.
I can't help myself.
BOB: Sit down!
Dad, this man is innocent.
If he was guilty,
he could never hold those
plates under my questioning.
I thought you were gonna find
out who committed this holdup.
My boy, you
made a mistake.
Henry Williams,
I know you.
Oh, but please don't give me away,
Miss Custer.
How did you ever keep
those plates from falling?
I knew what he
was going to do,
so I put glue on my
fists. That's all.
(CHUCKLES)
There you are.
MAN 1: Tell that to me.
Henry Williams knows something about this,
more than he's telling you.
MAN 2:
They're gonna find out about him pretty soon.
Say, boys, if you find Henry,
promise you won't hurt him,
or I won't invite
you to our wedding.
We didn't know you were
gonna marry Henry.
He doesn't know it.
(ALL LAUGHING)
But, gee, Miss Custer,
we ain't got clothes for no wedding.
Say, you can be
high-hat in a Stetson!
Why, I had an uncle
by the name of Jerry
And he was a cowboy, too
He was a cowboy, too
Set the styles
for miles and miles
Ask my uncle by
the name of Jerry
What the well-dressed
man should wear
And in conjunction
with the social function
You could hear
my uncle declare
Come on along and wear your
Stetson Can't go wrong with a Stetson
You're in wrong
without a Stetson
High-hat, my hat
You intend to
be some dresser
I'm your friend,
and I mean yes, sir
You should be
the proud possessor
Of a sky-high Stetson hat
(MEN WHOOPING)
Now I feel all right.
I'm all right.
I'm all right. I feel good.
I feel good. I'm all right.
Don't worry.
I'll handle this,
and I'll handle it right.
Did you find
Henry Williams?
No, there's not
a trace of him here.
Hello, Sheriff.
Henry Williams!
ALL: Henry Williams!
Henry Williams!
I'll kill him!
No. I'll kill him.
After what he did to me,
I'll kill him.
Well, make up your mind.
Who's gonna do it?
Why, you...
Say, listen here, you...
(ALL CLAMORING)
A fine bunch of
cowards you guys are,
running away from a
pill-chewing tenderfoot.
Come on!
Sheriff, don't.
Come out of there, you pop-eyed,
anemic, dying frog.
If you ain't out by the time I count three,
I'll fill you full of lead.
One, two...
(ENGINE BACKFIRING)
Suffering coyotes!
He's got Sally with him!
Sally, how do
you feel?
I'm all right.
How do you feel?
I'll find out.
Wanenis stay
now forever?
This life
best for you.
You have tried the way of the white man,
and you know that it is bad.
Forget white people.
Live here. Marry Matafay.
(INDIAN EXCLAIMS)
Look, Jewish
traffic cops.
(SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE)
Oh, say,
aren't we all?
Listen, don't get too fresh with me.
I'll tell Wanenis.
Hey, man, what're
you gonna do?
What are you gonna do?
Listen! What did I say?
SALLY: Henry.
Where are you going?
(SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE)
Why you come here?
Listen, I'll tell you,
it's a long story.
First,
you listen me.
You want be friend
with Indians?
I'm friendly with everybody.
I even like my broker!
Sit down!
Smoke pipe peace.
Smoke.
No, no, me want hot
chocolate. No, no.
No can have.
Smoke.
Wait.
Give me a chance, I'll tell you.
Old bicycle tires?
Let him see.
You ever see
me before?
Bless my soul!
If it isn't old Black Eagle!
Old Black Eagle,
that old man Segal
(BLACK EAGLE MOANS)
(ALL MOANING SEQUENTIALLY)
It's an epidemic!
Pipe,
you know what it mean when we smoke pipe?
Many years ago,
white man, Indian fight.
After fight, sit down,
smoke pipe peace together.
Yeah, then white
man fall asleep,
Indian take ax,
give white man haircut.
I know that stuff.
Go ahead take it. I don't want it.
Smoke.
You tell truth,
we friends.
You lie, enemies.
Red man never lie.
No, well, then,
just for my own information, listen,
was there anything between
Pocahontas and John Smith?
Oh, Chiefy, Chiefy?
Pocahontas, good,
beautiful girl.
Yes, yes.
John Smith, big,
handsome man, and...
Don't tell me the rest.
I read the True Story
magazine.
Pocahontas save
John Smith.
Yeah, why didn't she do
something for his brother Al?
His brother Al?
Yes, and I don't
mean Jolson. Mammy.
Smoke.
This make us friend.
Yeah.
This make me sick.
Pardon me,
is that a wind-blown bob you have?
Say, look, since you
got your hair cut,
how do you keep
your wig warm?
(BLACK EAGLE MOANS)
See, you're still
doing that.
If you took that bicarbonate
of soda when I told you,
you'd have been
all right now.
Oh,
I'm afraid I'll have to leave the room.
No, stay!
Oh, Chief, please.
Where's your wigwam? Quick!
(SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE)
We're gonna have something to eat, huh?
Well, that's fine.
Say, I'm satisfied.
Henry, what are
you doing here?
Wanenis,
I'd never know you without your shirt on.
He's cute, isn't he?
BLACK EAGLE: Heap much.
(CHUCKLES)
And what's the idea
of the summer shutters?
What a funny place
for fishing tackle.
Wanenis, listen.
You were the only one we
could come to for protection.
The sheriff wants to hang me because
I helped Sally run away from him.
Yes, but why did you
run away with her?
Don't you know
that I love Sally?
Sure, you love Sally.
I know you love Sally.
You know he
love Sally.
You boys know
he love...
You want to give
me a rubdown now?
Henry, where is she?
I left her in the flivver
down on the trail.
On the trail?
Yes.
I must go to her.
Oh, for heaven...
Just let me take a nap.
I'll be all right.
I'll be all right.
I'll be all right.
I feel good.
I feel good.
Yours?
(GRUNTS)
Wholesale...
I mean bigamy!
What mean "bigamy"?
Bigamy means that you cannot
marry two or three women.
Black Eagle no can have two,
three women?
Who say you
no can have?
I said you can't marry
two or three women.
Oh, marry.
(LAUGHS)
(EXCLAIMS KNOWINGLY)
He's a dirty Indian.
(CHUCKLING)
I like you.
Come, I make you
belong tribe. Come.
What does he mean?
He's gonna make me for an Indian?
(LAUGHING)
Me. Big Chief Izzy Horowitz.
Well, I don't know...
BLACK EAGLE: Come. Come.
Today, my people are celebrating
my return to the tribe.
From now on,
I shall live as an Indian.
You can't do that.
I'm through with the
white man and his ways.
My one drop of Indian blood
makes your people hate me.
I don't hate you.
I love you.
I love you too, Sally.
More than my life.
But we can never marry.
When the winter's over
When the summer's through
When there's
prairie clover
I'll still
belong to you
Far above the plain
When the moon is new
When it's on the wane
I'll still belong to you
Winds may blow as though
they know what I've told you
Yet the more they blow
The closer
I'll hold you
Though the world
may take me
From a world for two
Though you may
forsake me
I'll still belong
To you
Dad, that was the bandit's
flivver we saw on the trail.
They must be hiding
around here somewhere.
I'm going to have
a look around.
Oh, Daddy, don't forget,
I want a blanket and a doll.
How!
How!
And how.
Here, you, have you seen a white
man and a white girl about here?
Me, no capisce.
I'll bet you
understand money.
How much for
that blanket?
100!
I wouldn't give you
$100 for six of them.
This blanket have
heap big history.
One time him belong to
Big Chief Spoil-You-Shine.
Who?
Spoil-You-Shine.
Spoil your shine!
My baby don't care for
shows My baby don't care
Why, confound you!
I'll have you thrown off this reservation!
You like this doll?
Yes. How much?
Him also have history.
You know him name?
No, what is it?
Big Chief Rip-Your-Collar!
Who?
Rip-Your-Collar.
Rip your collar!
Rip your collar!
Why, you fresh
Indian!
How dare you?
(MOANS)
You know who I am?
Who?
I'm an Underwood.
Indian no care
for typewriter.
My daughter wants
that blanket and doll.
I'll give you
$50 for the both.
$50. Me no can sell.
Too cheap.
No, no. Cost me more.
No, no, no, no.
You make them $75.
$50.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
What does that mean?
Indian raspberry.
Come on, $50.
No, no. One price, $65.
$50!
$60!
$50!
$60!
$40!
What become of $50?
$40.
$40 for blanket
and doll?
$40 for the blanket
and doll.
White man pay him
$40 for two article?
$40 for the
both articles.
Look, if I sell you for $40,
I couldn't make a cent.
I should live, so.
It cost me alone $35.50.
Could I sell
you for $40?
$40!
Such a chutzpah. $40?
$40!
(TALKING GIBBERISH)
I give you $40,
two articles like that?
$40!
Listen, I don't need your business.
Will you do me a favor?
Yes!
Go some other place.
Go ahead! All right!
Look! Look! Look!
He can't take a joke.
(LAUGHING)
Well, here you are,
my man.
Give me the $40.
Come in again some time.
Come in again. Be glad to see you.
There you are, friend.
Come in again some time, my dear,
little fellow, because...
(IMITATING INDIAN CRY)
Come here, Hiawatha.
And what are you doing
in that fireman shirt?
Me, chief.
Fire chief?
Yes, here is my
hook and ladder.
Getting kind of peppy,
aren't you?
I feel pretty good,
Miss Custer.
I feel like...
(SCATTING)
You know, Miss Custer,
they've got a lot of
beautiful squaws around here!
Oh, yeah?
They've got the hottest-looking
squaws you ever saw.
You know, I tried
to get a room here,
but they didn't have a room,
so I made a reservation.
Miss Custer...
No! No! Miss...
That's about enough
from you.
Dark is the mountain
With the setting of the sun
Outlive the sorrows
When the red man's
day is done
Hear the voice of
sorrow while we pray
Calling our tomorrow,
yesterday
Red man no regretting
With the setting of
The sun
(DRUM BEATING RHYTHMICALLY)
Sheriff come.
Black Eagle
speak sheriff.
Black Eagle,
there is a white girl and a white man here.
What make sheriff
think so?
I'm giving you fair warning.
It ain't me alone you're bucking this time,
but the government.
If you don't produce them,
I'll see that your whole tribe is punished.
If you want to punish
anyone, punish me.
Sally!
Sally!
Why did you elope
with Henry Williams?
Because I couldn't
marry you, Bob.
I love Wanenis,
and I'm going to marry him.
Why, Sally,
you can't.
Father!
Don't worry, Mr. Morgan,
as much as I love Sally,
I know I can
never marry her.
Black Eagle,
Wanenis love white girl.
Tell them truth.
Wanenis white.
Long time,
25 years ago,
Black Eagle find child in white
man's shack on mountain side.
White man leave white squaw,
white squaw die.
Black Eagle
take child.
Black Eagle call
child Wanenis.
You're lying, redskin.
I don't believe you.
Red man never lie.
If sheriff look in
county courthouse,
he will find record Black
Eagle make when Wanenis born.
Is this really true,
Black Eagle?
(MOANS IN AGREEMENT)
I can't believe it.
Tell me! Tell me!
Is it true?
True.
SALLY: Wanenis!
Sally!
Help! Help!
Help! Help!
Listen!
Now, Miss Custer,
listen.
Why don't you
bury the hatchet?
That's what I'm
trying to do.
No, will you...
Now, look, will you wait a while?
Will you wait a while?
Stop this nonsense.
I want to be serious.
Miss Custer,
you know there comes a
time in every man's life
when he feels the
need of a companion.
Someone to whom he can
give his affection,
someone who'll understand him,
love him, comfort him.
Miss Custer, Mary,
I'd like to ask
you one question.
Yes, Henry, dear?
Whatever became
of that calf?
Now, will you
wait a while?
Will you listen?
Will you wait a while?
You know how I
feel about you.
My baby don't
care for shows
My baby don't
care for clothes
My baby just
cares for me
My baby just loves
those consultations
And how she enjoys
my operation
After our honeymoon
In April, May or June
I'll get my nursing free
Then I can feel
good for nothing
My baby just
cares for me
That's all there is.
Whoopee! Whoopee!
(ALL WHOOPING)
(ALL CLAMORING)
Quiet, folks.
We've ridden 20 miles
today to see
Sally Morgan and Sheriff Bob Wells
get married!
ALL: Whoopee!
Whoopee!
What a wild man
you are, Bill!
Wild enough
to tame you!
Oh, yeah!
Yeah!
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh!
A cowboy's a wild man
But, oh, what a mild man
the wildest of cowboys can be
One girl can subdue him
If she'll bill and coo him
Then goodbye
to his liberty
I'm married, so take it
from me, gee!
MEN: Cowboy, you're
gone from the start
With the lassie who
lassoes your heart
Oh, she takes
just one look at you
And, cowboy, your wild days
are through
WOMEN: You go out and buy her
the tiniest size in rings
She ties you tight
to the end of her apron strings
MEN: And cowboy you're branded
right from the start
By the lassie who
lassoes your heart
ALL: Whoopee!
Whoopee!
(ALL CHEERING)
(LIVELY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
ALL: Whoopee! Whoopee!
ALL: Cowboy, you're
gone from the start
With the lassie who
lassoes your heart
Oh, she takes
just one look at you
And, cowboy,
your wild days are through
You go out and buy her
the tiniest size in rings
She ties you tight
to the end of her apron strings
And cowboy you're branded
right from the start
By the lassie who
lassoes your heart!
(LAUGHING)
Hey, Sheriff Bob,
how do you like these
outfits we rented for your wedding?
You look like a bunch of
scared coyotes.
Why, that sick cuss
Henry Williams
told us this is
the right way to dress.
Henry Williams did, eh?
Yeah!
Well, he was kidding you,
you dumb critters!
Well, if he was, we're
gonna do a little kidding ourselves
when we catch
hold of him!
Come on, fellas.
Let's go on.
Let's go get him.
(MISS CUSTER HUMMING)
Here's that stuff from the drugstore,
Miss Custer!
Thank you, Bud.
Costs 15 bucks.
Why, that's cheap.
Here's your change.
Thank you.
Say, is that guy
Henry Williams
really as sick as
he thinks he is?
He's so full of pills,
they can't operate on him.
He keeps rolling
off the table!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Come on, sweetheart.
Come on, little girl.
Come on, darling!
There you are! Come on in!
There you go!
There you are!
Henry Williams,
what's that?
Condensed milk.
What are you going
to do with the calf?
Miss Custer, remember, I'm lonesome,
and I need a companion.
Well, if you want
a companion,
why don't you
get a nice girl?
Well, that's
a good idea, too.
But I don't know,
I feel so safe with a calf.
Give me that.
Well, I don't mean that.
Miss Custer, leave my baby go!
Oh, please leave her go.
Go on,
you troublemaker!
Miss Custer,
I don't think I'll be troubling
you much longer!
Don't talk like
that, Henry.
Why, when you came west a year ago,
you may have been sick then,
but now you're as
healthy as I am!
Is that good?
There's really nothing
the matter with you.
Nothing the...
What about the pain
around my heart?
That'll go away.
Yeah, and I'll
go with it.
And then how
about my stomach?
Just a little
indigestion.
A little
indigestion!
My stomach is so bad
when my grandfather died,
he left me $20,000,
and in six weeks,
I'd spent it all on milk of magnesia.
Would you
believe that?
And what about
my lungs?
The doctor says your lungs are
practically brand new.
They should be.
I've never used them.
For nine years,
I've been breathing with my liver.
Henry, you are just
a hypochondriac!
Yes, am I?
How would you like
to see my operation?
No, no, sit down.
Poor Henry, let me
hold your hand.
It's not heavy. I can manage.
Hold your own hand.
Oh, Henry, when I
do hold your hand, like this,
and put my arm
around you
and kind of snuggle
up to you like that,
doesn't it suggest
anything to you?
Yes, it does,
but with my health,
I'd better not
think about it.
Sit down.
(ALARM RINGING)
Henry,
I've been your nurse
for three years now, haven't I?
(MUMBLING)
Nurse for three years.
Do you know why I
studied nursing?
No, why?
Because I'm romantic.
No.
Most girls like big,
strong, healthy men.
Husky, husky.
Yeah, but not me.
No?
I like weak men.
Oh.
I have a positive
passion for a weak man.
I suppose if I was paralyzed,
you'd be cuckoo about me, huh?
(ALARM RINGING)
Silly.
Henry.
I'll bet you don't
know what today is.
(GROANS)
What is today?
Today is Sally's
wedding day.
Can't you feel it, Henry?
It's in the air!
It's all around us.
Romance!
Look in my eyes,
Henry!
I'm looking.
You know I love you.
Oh, Miss Custer!
And you know that
I'm sure that you love me!
Oh, please, Miss Custer!
Oh, Henry, don't you
know how I feel?
Henry, marry me!
Put me down!
Put me down! Put me down.
Listen, darling!
Get away with
your passion.
You give me
goose pimples.
Will you go away?
Go away.
Oh, Henry, please.
Please, marry me.
Why, I'd take such good care of you.
I'd keep you
comfy and warm!
But it would be much cheaper
for me to get a hot water bottle.
Go ahead, will you,
Miss Custer?
Oh, how can you hurt a person's feeling?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry if
I've offended you.
But you work me up to
such a pitch with your lovemaking.
Why do you do it?
You know I'm not well.
Why do you make
overtures to me
when I need intermissions
so badly?
Besides, Miss Custer, I couldn't marry you.
I'm too delicate.
But I love you
that way.
Yes, but it wouldn't be fair to our children
to be born without vitamins.
Oh, Miss Custer.
(WHEEZING)
Oh, Henry,
you must love me.
You're breathing
so heavily.
That's not love, you fool.
That's my asthma.
Now, wait a minute.
What are you doing that for?
Aren't you supposed
to be my nurse?
What do you say,
boys?
How are you,
Wanenis?
Hello, Dick.
I'm glad to see you!
We ain't seen much
of you around here
since you graduated
from college.
Where you been?
Why, I've been down in Montana,
laying out
copper mines!
Oh, that's right.
You're a regular mining engineer
now, ain't you?
(CHUCKLES)
I'm working at it.
How come you're
here today?
Oh, got kind of lonesome for the
old stamping grounds
and all the friends
I left here.
Sure tough that Wanenis
came back here today.
Why?
Well, the poor galoot's
been in love
with Sally ever since
they were kids.
He's part Indian,
and her old man wouldn't let them
get hitched.
That's why
he went away!
What are you
doing here?
Who invited you?
Invited me?
Why, I didn't know I
needed an invitation, Mr. Morgan.
I've always been
welcome here before.
Sally is marrying
Bob Wells today.
I shouldn't think that you would
want to be at her wedding.
If I were you,
I'd go.
Your father will tell
you that I'm right.
Him right.
Maybe you come
now, huh?
Best for you.
Black Eagle know.
Black Eagle,
I must see Sally.
No.
I'm going to her.
No.
Oh, hello, fellas.
How are you? Hello.
How's every...
How have you... Hello.
Hello.
(WHISTLING)
You know,
when I was a kid...
Nobody cares about
when you was a kid.
Say, listen, you dressed us up
like this, didn't you?
Well, I hope you
appreciate it.
Yes, and to show you how much we
appreciate it,
we're gonna
dress you up!
But I don't want
to be dressed up...
(ALL CLAMORING)
(WHISTLING SOFTLY)
Wanenis.
Sally.
Please come down.
I must speak to you.
Wanenis.
Then you're going
to marry Bob Wells?
I knew this would
happen, but it hurts.
Father wants me
to marry Bob.
And since we can't have one another,
I just don't care.
It's your father
who convinced me
that our marriage
was impossible,
'cause I'm an Indian.
Wanenis, don't.
I'm sorry, Sally.
I know it's wrong of me to make
you sad on your wedding day.
Please forgive me.
I wish you
every happiness.
I know I can't have you.
But I can't bear the thought
of anyone else having you.
When the winter's over
When the summer's through
When there's
prairie clover
I'll still belong to you
Far above the plain
When the moon is new
When it's on the wane
I'll still belong
to you
Winds may blow as though
they know what I've told you
Yet the more they blow
The closer
I'll hold you
Though the world
may take me
From a world for two
Though you may
forsake me
I'll still belong
To you
MR. MORGAN: Sally. Sally!
Sally, please come back.
Sally.
(GUN FIRES)
Why, Wanenis,
I didn't know that was you.
I thought it was some
skunk prowling around.
You know,
you can't be too careful at a time like this.
(BLACK EAGLE MOANS)
I suppose you came back
to see me marry Sally?
If you'd like to take
another shot at me,
give me a gun,
and we'll shoot
it out together.
I don't fight
with Indians.
I don't want you hanging
around here anymore,
and neither
does Sally.
Savvy?
Listen, fellas.
If you see him or anyone else
trying to go up that ladder again,
next time...
Better you come
now, huh?
Come, Wanenis. Come.
Miss Custer! Oh, Miss Custer!
Miss Custer! Miss Custer!
Where is that woman?
Where is that nurse? Miss...
Wanenis!
Hello, Henry.
How are you?
Hello, Black Eagle.
I'm glad
to see you.
Yeah, me too.
I haven't seen you in a long time.
That's right.
How's your health?
I'm sorry you asked.
Last week,
I looked so terrible,
two undertakers left
a deposit on me.
And say, what's happened to you?
What's the matter?
It's nothing, Henry.
Just a scratch.
I'm in a little
trouble.
Yeah, you're in
a little trouble.
All you've got is a
scratch. Look at me.
I've got five
dangerous ailments,
with hardly
a chance of recovering.
And, oh, look where
cactus is growing.
(GROANS)
Henry, I'm in love.
That's hard luck, too.
Last week, I bought a suit
with two pairs of pants
and burned a hole
in the coat.
But I've lost the
girl that I love,
and my heart is
very heavy today.
Your heart is heavy?
My heart is five times
the normal size.
But you don't
understand.
This girl and I
grew up together.
I am an Indian!
(MOANS)
He suffers from gas, too.
Isn't it terrible?
Why, Henry, a way back,
my people were chiefs.
(MOANS)
Why don't you try
bicarbonate of soda?
You'll be a new
Indian, really.
But I'm only a
small part Indian.
How small?
Well,
my great-grandfather married a white girl.
So did mine.
What is that?
Did you know that
I'm a half-breed?
Are you a half-breed?
Sure. I breathe through
one side of my nose.
Sinus.
For this girl that I love,
I've studied the ways of your race.
Why, I've gone
to your schools.
An Indian in a Hebrew school!
How... Oh, for heaven...
(GROANING)
How did you
get along?
About since I
was that high,
I've striven to be something
among your people.
I know. We all have
our disappointments.
From the time I
was this high...
That's even lower than
yours. See that?
I figured out someday I
might be a great aviator
like Lindbergh or Byrd.
But I can never
be an aviator.
Can't eat sandwiches.
Why don't you be like me?
I've been delicate all my life,
but I wouldn't let any woman boss me around,
tell me what to do.
Henry!
I'll see you boys
later, all right.
Henry Williams!
What are you doing
with my bloomers?
Whose bloomers?
I'm not doing anything.
Now, you keep away
from my trunk!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
This is the happiest
day of my life!
You go to the mission, Bob,
and I'll fetch Sally right over.
She ought to be
all ready by now!
Thanks, Mr. Morgan.
Wait a minute,
wait a minute, girls!
You've got plenty
of time, really.
Every time I hear that dear,
old wedding march
I feel rather glad
I have a broken arch
I have heard a lot
of married people talk
And I know that marriage
is a long, long walk
To most people
weddings mean romance
But I prefer
a picnic or a dance
Another bride
Another groom
The countryside
Is all in bloom
The flowers and treeses
The birds and beeses
Are making whoopee
The choir sings
Here comes the bride
Another victim
Is by her side
He's lost his reason
'Cause it's the season
For making whoopee
Down through
the countless ages
You'll find it
everywhere
Somebody makes good wages
Somebody wants her share
She calls him toodles
And rolls her eyes
She makes him strudels
And bakes him pies
What is it all for?
It's so he'll fall for
Making whoopee
Another year
Or maybe less
What's this I hear?
Well, can't you guess?
She feels neglected
And he's suspected
Of making whoopee
She sits alone
Most every night
He doesn't phone
Or even write
He says he's busy
But she says, "Is he?"
He's making whoopee
He doesn't make much money
Five thousand dollars per
Some judge who
thinks he's funny
Says, "You pay six to her"
He says, "Now, Judge
"Suppose I fail"
The judge says, "Budge
"Right into jail"
You'd better keep her
You'll find it's cheaper
Than making whoopee
Henry! Henry,
come here.
What?
I want you to do
something for me!
Sally Morgan,
why aren't you in your wedding dress?
Well, you see,
I'm not going to be married.
What?
Not married in the
mission, I mean.
Sheriff Bob doesn't want these
cowboys to get rough and boisterous.
So he and I are going to sneak to town,
get married there,
and take a train east
for our honeymoon.
Honeymoon.
That reminds me, you know,
my sister's husband wanted to take
her to Florida on their honeymoon,
but she's been to Florida,
so she sent a girlfriend.
(LAUGHING)
Now, listen!
What?
Sheriff Bob wants you to
drive me to the junction.
He'll meet us there.
I'll go in and get my bags.
Wait a minute, Sally,
I'll help you.
Don't do anything
until you hear...
(GUN FIRES)
Oh, for heaven's...
Who did that?
Who did...
(LAUGHING)
Just a little mistake,
partner.
Just a little mistake,
that's all!
(CONTINUES LAUGHING)
(MIMICS LAUGHTER)
Just a little mistake!
I suppose to you the World War
was just a typographical error!
Just a little mistake!
Henry!
What?
Get my bags quickly.
All right, hurry up. I've got it, Sally.
Here, got it?
Take that!
I've got it.
Just come right down.
Now, be careful
of Polly.
Right. I'll be careful.
Come right down,
Sally.
I'll be waiting for you.
Isn't she sweet?
Just take care of yourself.
I'll be all right.
Come right along,
Sally.
(SQUAWKING) Come here, Polly.
What do you want?
POLLY:
I want to make whoopee.
She wants to
make whoopee!
(CHURCH BELLS TOLLING)
MEN: Today's the day
To hear the bridegroom say
"I'll honor and obey"
Today's the day
WOMEN:
Here comes the bride!
MEN: Tonight's the night
The stars will
shine so bright
The honeymoon will
light our happy way
WOMEN:
Here comes the bride!
Spring is a rogue who lightly
trips over all the hills and dales
ALL: Love comes along
and your heart skips
Then you'll hear
the wedding bells
And then you'll say
"The world must
be all right"
Today's the day, today
Tonight's the night
Here comes the bride!
Spring is a rogue who lightly
trips over all the hills and dales
Love comes along
and your heart skips
Then you'll hear
the wedding bells
And then you'll say
"The world must
be all right"
Today's the day, today
Tonight's the night
Sheriff! Boys! Boys!
Where's Bob Wells?
He's coming
right over there!
Sheriff!
What's wrong?
What's happened?
Sally's gone!
Gone? Where?
What do you mean?
I don't know.
She isn't around anywhere!
Has anyone
seen Henry?
Here's a note I
found on the post!
"Dear Father.
Don't be angry with me.
"I just can't
marry Bob Wells.
"I love another,
and don't look for me,
"because when you receive this,
we will be far away.
"I have eloped with
Henry Williams."
Henry Williams!
Well, if she loves him,
I hope she's happy, wherever she is.
And I wish them luck!
Luck!
I'll wish them luck!
When I catch him,
I'll hang him to the highest tree I can find!
Has anyone...
Sheriff, have you seen Henry?
No, but when I do,
you'll never see him again!
Oh, Sheriff, you've
got Henry all wrong.
Why, he's the sweetest,
most harmless little fellow
in the whole world!
Say, what did he do?
He eloped with
Sally Morgan!
The son of a hypochondriac.
I'll kill him!
Boys, come here.
Jim, Jack, Joe, Tex, Slim.
You know what we do with a
critter who steals a horse?
ALL: Yes.
Well, this one just
stole my woman.
Get into your saddles,
because we're gonna ride him down, boys,
and then we're
gonna hang him up.
Don't let a white man get by you!
Come on!
Henry! Henry!
Henry, where are you?
Here I am!
I've been asleep.
Why don't you start the car?
That's a good idea.
That's what I've been trying to
do for the last half an hour.
Have you got gas?
Have I got...
The way I suffer?
Have I got gas?
(CHUCKLES) No, no.
I mean, have you
got gasoline?
Of course
I have gasoline.
How do you think we came here,
with ketchup?
This shows that I
have gasoline, here.
Oh, for the...
Not a drop.
I'm not well.
I thought you'd be
the man to help me.
I thought you'd be
the man to save me.
And you didn't even know
enough to fill your gas tank!
Oh, for the love of...
What's the matter?
I haven't any more
circulation than a herring.
Here you are, bawling me out,
and my temperature drops to normal!
If you keep me out in
these mountains all night,
you won't have to worry
about your health,
because Bob Wells
will kill you!
What do you mean?
I do him a favor, and he'll kill me?
I take you to the sheriff
so he can marry you,
and he's gonna shoot me
because I run out of gasoline!
Henry, you might as
well know the truth.
You're not taking
me to the sheriff.
You're taking me
away from him!
I'm...
Oh, I see. You just
left out the details.
And I left a note saying
that I had eloped with you.
You did what?
Sally Morgan,
I'm going to tear you limb from limb.
Henry,
I did it because I thought you'd help me.
I thought
you were brave.
I'm not brave.
I can't even help myself.
Sally Morgan,
I came out here to die.
Then it's all right,
because if Bob Wells catches us,
you'll get your wish.
But I don't want to
die from Bob Wells!
I want to die
from my sicknesses.
That's what I
want to die from.
I want to die in bed,
and I want to have
doctors and nurses
and flowers and
a little fruit.
That's what I want.
(HORN BLARES)
Oh, for heaven's...
See, you've got me
nervous and jumpy.
What am I going to do
if the sheriff comes?
Take this!
Put it away!
I can't stand the sight of a gun.
I hate guns! Put it away.
I don't like guns.
Even when somebody says "son of a gun,"
I almost faint.
Sally Morgan,
I'm going to take you
back to the sheriff.
Rather than go back
to him, I'll marry you.
Two proposals
in one day.
It's that tonic.
It's that tonic!
Henry, I mean it.
Why don't you marry me
and take me east?
It's impossible.
You know,
we wouldn't really have
to be man and wife.
Secretly, we can be
just good friends!
Yeah, but I can't
keep a secret.
And furthermore, you know,
people will talk.
And you've always
been a good girl.
Don't you think
I am still?
Well, I do, but...
But what?
When is a good girl
not a good girl?
Nine times
out of ten.
Henry, you're
only fooling.
You've never really
been in love.
I haven't?
Listen, Sally.
Love came to me
in the springtime
Just like the
blossoms, I fell
I thought that June
would be ring time
Which proves that
you never can tell
I used to call her
pet names
Tell her
she was divine
But she turned out
to be the girlfriend
Of a boy friend
of mine
I used to
take her places
She loved to
dance and dine
But she turned out
to be the new friend
Of an old friend
of mine
I found that love
was just a joke
I learned what
a broken heart meant
I even started
out to get
A kitchenette
apartment
She thrilled me
with her glances
(MIMICS KISSES)
Her kisses were
just like wine
But she turned out
to be the close friend
Of a Scotch friend of mine
I thought that
we'd be married
Sign on the
dotted line
But she turned out
to be the girlfriend
Of a boy friend
of mine
Listen, Sally,
each time I try to phone her,
what do I get?
Just a busy line
'Cause she turned out
to be the soul mate
Of a cellmate
of mine
Life to me once
was one big thrill
Nobody could
be prouder
Now life is just
a bitter pill
A capsule
and a powder
Why am I pale
and nervous?
Why do I weep
and pine?
'Cause she turned out
to be the real friend
Of a heel friend
of mine
Oh, I'm so tired!
Henry, let's lie down
and go to sleep.
I wouldn't sleep.
Sally, you lie down
and go to sleep.
Let me stay here
and fix the car,
borrow some gasoline,
and maybe we'll be on our way.
See, Sally?
Go on.
Right to sleepy.
Good night, Sally.
Good night, Henry.
Do you want to go
right to sleep?
Yes.
And the mama skunk
was walking along
with the four little
baby skunks.
And one of the baby skunks
said to the mama skunk,
"Oh, Mama.
Look, here comes a great big bear."
And the mama skunk says, "Children,
let us pray. Let us pray."
What are you doing?
(CAR HONKING)
(CONTINUES HONKING)
Hello! Say, look out
there! Let us pass!
Don't block the
road, please!
What is it?
What has happened?
Oh, look,
it's a big Lincoln.
Say, can we have
some gasoline?
Hey, you.
Get out of the way.
I can't stand this.
I'm a very nervous man.
He's a nervous man.
All we need is two
gallons of gasoline.
We haven't any
gas to give away!
If you had any sense,
you'd carry an extra can
in country like this!
Do you?
Why, of course we do.
You do and you refuse to help.
Shame on you!
Never mind,
clear out of the way.
I say, my man,
that's a good old thing.
Chase that bug
off the road.
The bug.
Chase the bug...
How do you like that?
"Chase the bug off the road."
Of course, you can't
be expected to know
the nervous condition
that I am in.
(HORN HONKING)
Stop that.
Stop that!
Hey, you going to
get out of our way,
or do I chase that
flivver up the mountain?
Didn't I tell you
I need gasoline?
Will you go and
get out of the way...
(MEN CLAMORING)
(HONKING CONTINUES)
Would you stop it?
I'm telling you.
Stop.
Give me something, give me...
Here. What are you giving me?
What is it?
Don't shoot!
Get up, up, up, up.
Not you, you fool!
And no funny movements,
either.
Say, you can't shoot
a man like me!
Shall I try?
No. No.
Get out of the car, everybody.
Line up front,
come on.
We'll let you have
a couple of gallons.
Yes. You'll let me have
anything that I want.
Father, he doesn't
know who you are!
Who cares?
What's that?
Driver!
Yes, sir!
Get a can of gasoline.
Yes, sir.
Follow me!
Yes, sir.
Now, then, pour the
gasoline in my tank!
Yes, sir.
Don't forget, my partner up there
is looking at you with a gun.
If you do anything funny,
he'll fill you full of lead.
Yes, sir.
And, you,
take this gun.
If this fellow bats an eye,
you shoot, and shoot to kill.
What's that, Morris?
I'll tell them.
Never mind, I'll tell them.
My partner up there
said that somebody here
wasn't holding up their
hands high enough.
What partner?
My partner, he's up there.
You want to hear him?
Yes.
You up there, Morris?
(FAINTLY) "You bet I am."
Shall I get him?
"All right."
See you later.
"All right."
Goodbye. "Bye."
Good night.
Oh, help!
Help! Help! What was that?
Who did it?
Help! Help!
Take care
of yourself.
What's the matter?
Were you scared?
Pick up that can.
DRIVER: Yes, sir.
Get over here.
Yes, sir.
Get over here with that!
Yes, sir.
You've got the
better of us now,
but in an hour, I'll have the sheriff
of this county on your trail.
You'll have who?
The sheriff of this county!
What do I care?
He's under an obligation to me.
You think I'm afraid of a sheriff?
And you bet he'll get you.
He's a regular man-hunter,
that fellow Bob Wells.
Bob Wells!
(ALL CLAMORING)
(SCREAMING)
DRIVER: Here. Here.
Give me the gun,
all of you.
Thought I dropped
the gun, did you?
(LAUGHS)
Each one of you four,
get around to the tires.
DRIVER: Yes, sir.
Unscrew the valves,
put in the small end
and leak the air out.
When I say, "One, two,"
take her out.
(AIR HISSING)
Now, get around
in front of my car!
I'll be hanged if I do!
Turn around,
or I'll shoot you right
through the heart.
Go ahead. Get around there.
Get around there.
Now, old man. I've got
a surprise for you!
What is it? What?
Crank my flivver!
Me, crank a flivver?
Go on, you old crank.
I'm a sick man!
You're sick?
I'd love to show
you my operation!
Would you...
Go ahead, crank it.
Go on. Get around there, crank it.
Crank it. Come on.
(ENGINE STARTS)
Boy, that's terrible.
Well, I told you.
I ain't no cook.
Say, why don't
you try it?
Oh, there's nothing
female about me, Mort.
Now, listen.
I'm in a fine fix.
The boss is expected here today,
and last night the cook lights out on me.
And if I don't find a new cook,
I'll have to find a new job.
Get out, get out, Sally.
Get out, Sally Morgan.
What's the matter?
I smell cooking.
I hope we can get
something to eat here.
I'm starved.
You're starved.
I want to tell you something,
Sally Morgan.
I've had a piece of toast,
two pieces of asparagus,
and a bottle of Bromo-Seltzer
since Easter Sunday.
Would you believe that?
Henry,
you'd better take those glasses off!
Why, don't be silly.
I can't. Why not?
With my eyes?
(SCOFFS) Even when I
go to sleep at night,
I've got to keep
my glasses on.
What for?
So I can recognize the people
I dream about.
Silly.
Henry, please take
the glasses off!
Oh, all right.
And whatever you do,
don't use our right name!
Well, of course not.
Come in with me.
I'll get you
something to eat.
Hello! Hello!
Hello. Hello.
Oh, look, it's
the new zeppelin!
Say, I'm nervous,
and we're very hungry.
We'd like to have
something to eat.
Oh, you would?
Yes, personally,
I'd like some hot
water and prunes,
bananas and cream,
corn flakes,
and boiled eggs,
two minutes.
If they're two and a half minutes,
I can't eat it,
because the acidity
presses against my heart,
and I've got to take six
Bell-Ans in hot water.
Say, who are you?
What's your name?
Henry.
Henry what?
Ford.
Well, Mr. Ford.
I've heard of you
someplace before.
This is Mrs. Ford,
of course!
Of course.
You see, we've just been married.
She's one of
those new Fords.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Gosh. That's
great! Hey!
I'll be all right.
Just let me take a nap.
I feel good.
I feel good. Go ahead.
I bet you're a great cook,
Mrs. Ford.
Why,
I've never cooked a thing in my life!
Can you cook?
Can I cook?
That's swell.
You get the job.
We need a cook, and you're it.
But... Now, don't argue.
Get to work.
It's exactly 7:00.
7:00!
I'm glad you... I've gotta take two pills.
I've gotta take two pills.
And at 8:00,
I expect you to have breakfast ready.
Now, don't try
to get away.
Your flivver will be
locked up in the garage,
and I'm still pretty
handy with a six-shooter.
Look, mister,
I can't stand anything heavy on my stomach.
Would you mind
taking that...
SALLY: Get it! Get it!
Hey! Get it! Here, here!
Here you are. Here you are.
There you are.
You'll have to cut out this fooling,
both of you.
And get to work.
Now, here's a cook's
hat and coat.
Yes, sir.
Missus.
You set the table in
the patio, out yonder.
Say, what... What
are you gonna cook?
Well, I don't know.
For instance, tell me, what would you like?
Well, a waffle would
hit me all right.
All right, I'll hit
you with a waffle.
I don't mind what
I hit you with.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, my nerves.
What a place! What a mess!
Yes, and the worst
part of it is,
we've committed
highway robbery.
We could go to
prison for that!
Prison. Have they got doctors in prison?
Why, yes.
I'll be all right.
I'll get along.
I'll be all right.
But they'll give you 20 years.
(LAUGHING)
Twenty years...
What are you
laughing at?
Why, the joke's on them.
Why?
I can't live
but six months.
Oh, golly.
You know, I never made
a waffle in my life.
I wouldn't know how to...
Have you got a larger bowl?
(HUMMING)
I'm making waffles
(HUMMING)
I'm making waffles
I'm making waffles
What is this? E-P-S-O-M.
Epsom, Epsom, Epsom...
(HUMMING)
I'm making waffles
(HAMMERING)
"$500 reward..."
(SINGING NERVOUSLY)
Hey, who are you?
Me work here.
Me Greek.
You put that
sign upstairs.
Yeah, and I'm hungry
to get that guy.
You hungry?
I fix you up.
One roast beef, one buttered toast,
one strawberry pie,
one cups coffee...
Hey, I don't want that stuff!
You want something else.
One fried egg, sunny-side up.
Turn on the heat,
turn on the heat
Hey, you're no Greek.
Now, who are you?
What do you care?
I'm asking you,
who are you?
Don't ask so
many questions.
You remind me of
my nurse when you...
Oh, have you a nurse?
I did have, but I
got rid of the pest.
She was a pest, huh?
She was. She was
worse than a pest.
She was a seven-minute
boiled egg.
She was
a blonde weasel.
She was a phooey.
That's what she was, that woman.
Hey, you're not fooling me.
I know you're Henry Williams.
Henry... Who the...
What the... How the...
I did not. I did not.
Now, where's
Sally Morgan?
Why, how do I
know what Sally...
Isn't she here?
Why, no, honestly. No!
But you love her,
don't you?
No, no, no.
I could kiss
you for that.
Why do you want to kiss me?
What kind of a cowboy are you?
Henry, look,
don't you know me?
Miss Custer.
So, I'm a blonde
weasel, huh?
Say...
A phooey.
I knew you all the time.
Oh, yeah.
You didn't fool me.
You knew me, huh?
Pick up your hat, go ahead.
Go ahead, pick it up. Pick it up.
Listen, Henry.
Listen to me.
Do you know that the cowboys and
the sheriff are on your trail?
Sure. They're
all on my trail.
Will you do me a favor, Miss Custer?
Why, sure.
Go and tell them that
everything is all right.
Will you, please?
Will you go and tell them?
Oh, Henry,
did I ever refuse to do anything for you?
No, you haven't.
But this is the one time when
I need you more...
You know what I'm like, Henry.
If I didn't need you...
For three long years,
I've watched over you like a little baby.
When I say...
(HENRY EXCLAIMING)
Henry, stop that
and listen to me.
Don't you know anything at all?
Everybody's after you.
Sure. Yes!
But listen, if Sally
isn't here with you,
I'll protect you
with my life.
Yes, yes.
But if she is here,
heaven help you.
You're such a darling,
Miss Custer.
You're always
trying to help me.
I love you, Henry.
Well, I'll be.
Say, what is this?
Why, it's nothing.
I'm getting a treatment.
This is my nurse.
Nurse?
Well, you'll need a real
nurse and a few doctors, too,
if I don't get
something to eat.
Where's them waffles?
What waffles?
Why, I'll sock you...
Hey, just wait a minute.
Don't you dare
touch him.
Why, he's sick.
He's delicate.
Don't you lay
a hand on him.
One blow
might kill him.
Oh, Henry, dear.
(LAUGHING)
Go, get somebody,
quick.
He's fainted.
Henry!
(HENRY GROANS)
Get the baggage upstairs.
Chester, phone Sheriff Bob Wells
to get here at once.
Right-o.
Oh, it's him!
What... Oh, my nerves,
my nerves.
It's him,
all right.
You get back
up there!
Where? Where?
Where am I?
Mr. Underwood,
welcome home to Bar M Ranch!
Welcome? This is
a fine welcome!
Held up, insulted,
I haven't had anything to eat.
My nerves are
all shattered.
Get me some
breakfast.
Yes, sir, there's the cook,
right there, sir.
Would you care to have
some nice waffles?
No, no, no.
I'm a very nervous man,
and I need plenty of nourishment.
Get me some buckwheat cakes,
fried chicken, fried potatoes,
beans, corn, pudding, salad,
and a nice cup of coffee.
What? No cereal?
Say, where have I
seen you before?
Why, in some hospital.
You've been in a hospital?
All of them.
What's the matter with you?
Oh, nothing.
Just let me take a
nap. I'm all right.
I feel good, now.
I feel good.
But I do have trouble
with my stomach.
Every night for 19 years,
I've had to take bicarbonate of soda.
That's nothing.
I've had stomach trouble all my life.
No?
Look at the coat
on my tongue.
Yeah, look at the
pants on mine.
Say, I've had pneumonia
four times.
Ha! I'm even with you.
I've had double pneumonia twice.
Sit down.
Pull up a chair.
My boy, did you ever
have the hives?
The hives?
I've had the itch and a
broken arm at the same time.
For a sinus operation,
I was under ether one hour and 45 minutes!
An hour and 45 minutes?
Yes.
And you think you were under ether?
Yes.
Mister, they gave
you vanilla.
I'm going to tell
you something.
I had an operation
of water on the knee.
Look at this bump I got from an
operation of water on the knee.
See this bump here?
From an operation
of water on the knee?
Yes, sir, they
ran out of ether.
See the bump here?
See it?
Are you going to have
any more operations?
What do you think the doctor said?
What?
Doctor said if I have one more operation,
he's gonna put in a zipper.
A zipper,
like that.
I got a scar, six inches long,
from appendicitis operation.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I'm gonna show you a scar.
You think
you've got a scar?
I'm gonna show you something,
my dear man, that will amaze you.
Here is really a scar from an operation.
You see that?
Now, look down here,
see that?
All the way down
to the leg?
You see it?
Let me take a look at yours.
Listen, I'm ready
to prove to you.
Here, does this show?
Wait a minute,
see that?
Now, wait a minute,
I wanna show you.
See this? 51,
is that good?
Yes, but, my boy,
look at this one.
Come down here.
Just let me show you an operation.
You see that,
can you see how far down that operation goes?
Now, can you see it?
Say, now, let me see.
Let me see your operation.
For goodness...
Oh, for heaven's...
I don't even think
you had an operation!
Can you see it now?
See what I mean? There you are.
Yes, sir, my boy,
that is some operation.
I'll say so.
Tell me, what did
your operation cost?
$200.
$200?
(LAUGHS)
That's nothing.
Mine cost $2,400.
How much?
$2,400.
Do you mind if I take one more
little peek at it, like...
Oh, well,
no wonder!
You've got
hemstitching.
Sally,
the sheriff and his men are coming.
I cut through the hills
to beat them here.
They're going to hang
Henry Williams. No!
Now, if you love him,
go, and go quickly.
But I don't love him.
Why did you
elope with him?
Because I couldn't
marry Bob Wells.
I don't love him.
If you don't love Henry Williams,
if you don't love Bob Wells,
who do you love?
Last night, when
we were together,
I knew I could never
marry anyone else.
Sally.
Take me away with you
into the mountains.
I'll live the way
of your people.
I can't do that, Sally.
You'd be an outcast!
Oh, I don't care
what they'd say.
But don't you realize that if I let
you make this sacrifice for me,
I wouldn't be
worthy of your love.
It can't be, Sally.
This is the end.
Wanenis.
The Epsom did it.
(HUMMING)
I'm making waffles
Hey, Mr. Underwood,
the sheriff is coming.
Sheriff Bob Wells
is here!
Who did you say?
Sheriff Bob Wells.
Bob Wells! Oh, for...
Listen, fellas,
we pack them here.
You know the
fella I'm after.
Look over the ranch.
Watch the roads.
And don't let a white man get by you.
You get me?
Don't let a white
man get by you.
(EXPLOSION)
Sally Morgan?
How dare you
speak to me?
What the...
Don't you know me?
Henry?
Henry Williams?
Well, of course...
Well, who am I, Amos 'n Andy?
Why, your disguise
is perfect.
How did you ever
think of it?
You mean the black?
Yes.
I didn't.
I got in the stove,
and somebody else thought of it.
Sally Morgan?
You've been crying.
Now, what's the trouble?
I wish I were dead.
Don't say that.
I wish I'd never
been born.
You could have said that first
and saved yourself a wish.
You know that,
don't you?
Henry, if you loved a person,
and they were of Indian blood...
I can't stand the
sight of any blood.
We've no time to fool around.
The sheriff is here.
And he's come
to hang you.
Well, let's not
hang around here.
Here. Who are you?
The waitress.
Who are you?
The cook.
Where's my breakfast?
Your breakfast, ha!
I didn't eat myself yet.
His breakfast... Come on, Sally.
Andy, what kind of
a cook have you got?
Oh, Dad,
I found the bandit's flivver...
What are you
doing here?
Whose flivver is this?
I don't... No!
What's the matter
with you?
Are you crazy?
(GASPS) No!
Just as a precaution,
I think I'd better have the
sheriff arrest you, don't you?
Yes!
Sally, get into
the flivver.
I'll be with you in a minute,
and don't move until I get back!
There must have been
a dozen bandits,
and every one looked
like a killer to me!
Don't worry, Mr. Underwood,
Sheriff Bob Wells always gets his man!
Hey, you.
Come here!
Where you from?
We moved.
Yeah?
What's your name?
Rudy Vallee.
Who is this fella?
He works for me.
He's a cook.
Yes, sir, but I
is a singing cook.
Yeah. Well,
I got an idea maybe you ain't no cook at all.
Maybe you don't
sing, either.
Go on, let's
hear you. Now!
I'm so happy
since the day
That I fell in love
in a great big way
And a big surprise is
someone loves me too
Guess it's hard
for you to see
Just what anyone
could see in me
But it only goes to
prove what love can do
My baby don't
care for shows
My baby don't
care for clothes
My baby just cares for me
My baby don't care
for cars and races
My baby don't care
for high-toned places
My baby don't care for rings
or other expensive things
She's sensible as can be
My baby don't
care who knows it
My baby just cares for me
My baby's no Gilbert fan
Ronald Colman
is not her man
My baby just cares for me
My baby don't care
for Lawrence Tibbetts
She'd rather have
me around to kibitz
Bud Rogers is
not her style
And even Chevalier's smile
Is something
that she can't see
I wonder what's
wrong with baby
My baby just cares
for me, me, only me
Say, that was
pretty good.
Sing us another
chorus of that.
Yeah, sing
us another.
You really
want me to?
Yeah.
My baby don't
care for shows
My baby don't
care for clothes
My baby just cares for me
CHESTER: Help! Help!
BOB: What was that?
Did you think there was a
voice coming from the garage?
Yeah.
Why, that was me.
Well, of course!
I throw my voice in
different directions.
I'm a contortionist.
Didn't you know it?
Listen to this...
How are you?
(FAINTLY)
"All right."
How do you feel?
"Pretty good."
See you later.
"All right."
Goodbye.
"Goodbye."
(EXCLAIMS) You!
My baby don't
care for shows
My baby don't
care for clothes
My baby just cares for me
CHESTER: Help! Help! Help!
Hold that man.
He slugged me.
The bandit's flivver's
in the garage.
They must be
on this ranch.
Was there anyone missing
on this place last night?
Only Mort and Andy.
They went into town.
Take them into the kitchen,
and I'll question them.
Well!
And you, too.
I know, but listen, Sheriff...
Get in there.
I didn't do anything.
Don't tell me that.
I know different.
Yeah,
what about it?
Search those guys.
(LAUGHING)
I'm ticklish!
Let me do it to
you, Sheriff!
Why, I'll smash
you one...
Line up some
chairs here.
I want to
question them.
And sit down.
Now listen, you
guys, all of you...
Pardon me,
if you'll allow me,
I will quickly discover which of
these three men is the guilty one.
How?
By applying
psychology,
if you'll have them do
exactly as I tell them.
They'll do as
they're told.
This is a little
psychological experiment.
I studied the method
in my college laboratory.
Hold these, please.
I'm going to read your
most secret thoughts
by what is known as the
association of ideas.
If you can read my thoughts,
you oughta kick me in the face right away.
BOB: Quiet.
Well, I propose to know not
what you want to tell me,
but what you're
trying to keep from me.
Pardon me.
Did you ever tiptoe through the tulips?
Oh, Esther.
Sit down.
Good boy, Chester.
I'm proud of you.
Thank you, Father.
Look,
he just met his father for the first time.
(LAUGHING)
Have you seen
your mother yet?
I haven't any proper
mechanical apparatus,
but I can use
a substitute.
Use your old man.
What?
Allow me.
You will all hold
your clenched fists
directly out in
front of you, so.
Upon these fists,
the sheriff will place
one of these china plates,
thus.
Then, I'm going to ask
you a few questions.
Then, you're going to hear the
cutest answers you ever heard.
Quiet.
When I speak the word associated
in your mind with your guilt,
you will drop the
plates. You must.
Pardon me.
Have you seen my operation?
Sit down and hold out your fists,
all of you!
Oh, we're gonna
have waffles.
Oh, shut up.
The muscular reaction
of the normal person
acts independent of
the subject's will.
Says which?
I said,
the muscular reaction of the normal person
acts independent of
the subject's will.
Except February,
which has 28.
BOB: Shut up!
Now, listen.
Which one of you men
has ever been
called a scholar?
A poet?
A philosopher?
Which one of you men has
ever been called a thief?
(HENRY LAUGHING)
(IN SINGSONG)
Oh, the sheriff is a thief.
Why, what's the
meaning of this?
Go on,
pull up a chair for the sheriff.
Quiet! I'm not
on trial here.
We'll resume.
Dog, cat, cow, wolf,
lion, leopard...
He's a salesman
for animal crackers.
Shut up.
Automobile, Ford car,
Illinois state license, garage...
That one's guilty.
Take him away!
BOB: Lock him up!
Good boy, Chester.
Isn't he wonderful?
Go on, Chester!
(BLEATS)
May not even
be his boy!
Doctor, parson,
sailor, thief...
Pardon me, are you
wearing a girdle?
Quiet.
Love is sweet.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
The air is soft.
The wind blows.
The waves...
Sit down there,
or I'll bust you in the nose.
Who do you think
you're kidding?
Don't you know I'm the
sheriff of this outfit?
Look down.
Look down, below is sin.
Above is virtue,
look up. Look up.
Let the thief
be known.
HENRY: Let him be known.
Hold him, too.
Only one left.
Well, I guess I won
the spelling bee!
Sit down!
Do you dare answer the
questions I ask you?
Yes, you smothered
lamb chop.
Now, I'll speak
one word.
You answer at once
with just one word
suggested by
the word I speak.
Ready?
Shoot!
Sun!
Hot!
Rain!
Wet!
Crime!
Jail!
Sheriff!
Boob!
What?
Sit down.
It came out of me.
I can't help myself.
BOB: Sit down!
Dad, this man is innocent.
If he was guilty,
he could never hold those
plates under my questioning.
I thought you were gonna find
out who committed this holdup.
My boy, you
made a mistake.
Henry Williams,
I know you.
Oh, but please don't give me away,
Miss Custer.
How did you ever keep
those plates from falling?
I knew what he
was going to do,
so I put glue on my
fists. That's all.
(CHUCKLES)
There you are.
MAN 1: Tell that to me.
Henry Williams knows something about this,
more than he's telling you.
MAN 2:
They're gonna find out about him pretty soon.
Say, boys, if you find Henry,
promise you won't hurt him,
or I won't invite
you to our wedding.
We didn't know you were
gonna marry Henry.
He doesn't know it.
(ALL LAUGHING)
But, gee, Miss Custer,
we ain't got clothes for no wedding.
Say, you can be
high-hat in a Stetson!
Why, I had an uncle
by the name of Jerry
And he was a cowboy, too
He was a cowboy, too
Set the styles
for miles and miles
Ask my uncle by
the name of Jerry
What the well-dressed
man should wear
And in conjunction
with the social function
You could hear
my uncle declare
Come on along and wear your
Stetson Can't go wrong with a Stetson
You're in wrong
without a Stetson
High-hat, my hat
You intend to
be some dresser
I'm your friend,
and I mean yes, sir
You should be
the proud possessor
Of a sky-high Stetson hat
(MEN WHOOPING)
Now I feel all right.
I'm all right.
I'm all right. I feel good.
I feel good. I'm all right.
Don't worry.
I'll handle this,
and I'll handle it right.
Did you find
Henry Williams?
No, there's not
a trace of him here.
Hello, Sheriff.
Henry Williams!
ALL: Henry Williams!
Henry Williams!
I'll kill him!
No. I'll kill him.
After what he did to me,
I'll kill him.
Well, make up your mind.
Who's gonna do it?
Why, you...
Say, listen here, you...
(ALL CLAMORING)
A fine bunch of
cowards you guys are,
running away from a
pill-chewing tenderfoot.
Come on!
Sheriff, don't.
Come out of there, you pop-eyed,
anemic, dying frog.
If you ain't out by the time I count three,
I'll fill you full of lead.
One, two...
(ENGINE BACKFIRING)
Suffering coyotes!
He's got Sally with him!
Sally, how do
you feel?
I'm all right.
How do you feel?
I'll find out.
Wanenis stay
now forever?
This life
best for you.
You have tried the way of the white man,
and you know that it is bad.
Forget white people.
Live here. Marry Matafay.
(INDIAN EXCLAIMS)
Look, Jewish
traffic cops.
(SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE)
Oh, say,
aren't we all?
Listen, don't get too fresh with me.
I'll tell Wanenis.
Hey, man, what're
you gonna do?
What are you gonna do?
Listen! What did I say?
SALLY: Henry.
Where are you going?
(SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE)
Why you come here?
Listen, I'll tell you,
it's a long story.
First,
you listen me.
You want be friend
with Indians?
I'm friendly with everybody.
I even like my broker!
Sit down!
Smoke pipe peace.
Smoke.
No, no, me want hot
chocolate. No, no.
No can have.
Smoke.
Wait.
Give me a chance, I'll tell you.
Old bicycle tires?
Let him see.
You ever see
me before?
Bless my soul!
If it isn't old Black Eagle!
Old Black Eagle,
that old man Segal
(BLACK EAGLE MOANS)
(ALL MOANING SEQUENTIALLY)
It's an epidemic!
Pipe,
you know what it mean when we smoke pipe?
Many years ago,
white man, Indian fight.
After fight, sit down,
smoke pipe peace together.
Yeah, then white
man fall asleep,
Indian take ax,
give white man haircut.
I know that stuff.
Go ahead take it. I don't want it.
Smoke.
You tell truth,
we friends.
You lie, enemies.
Red man never lie.
No, well, then,
just for my own information, listen,
was there anything between
Pocahontas and John Smith?
Oh, Chiefy, Chiefy?
Pocahontas, good,
beautiful girl.
Yes, yes.
John Smith, big,
handsome man, and...
Don't tell me the rest.
I read the True Story
magazine.
Pocahontas save
John Smith.
Yeah, why didn't she do
something for his brother Al?
His brother Al?
Yes, and I don't
mean Jolson. Mammy.
Smoke.
This make us friend.
Yeah.
This make me sick.
Pardon me,
is that a wind-blown bob you have?
Say, look, since you
got your hair cut,
how do you keep
your wig warm?
(BLACK EAGLE MOANS)
See, you're still
doing that.
If you took that bicarbonate
of soda when I told you,
you'd have been
all right now.
Oh,
I'm afraid I'll have to leave the room.
No, stay!
Oh, Chief, please.
Where's your wigwam? Quick!
(SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE)
We're gonna have something to eat, huh?
Well, that's fine.
Say, I'm satisfied.
Henry, what are
you doing here?
Wanenis,
I'd never know you without your shirt on.
He's cute, isn't he?
BLACK EAGLE: Heap much.
(CHUCKLES)
And what's the idea
of the summer shutters?
What a funny place
for fishing tackle.
Wanenis, listen.
You were the only one we
could come to for protection.
The sheriff wants to hang me because
I helped Sally run away from him.
Yes, but why did you
run away with her?
Don't you know
that I love Sally?
Sure, you love Sally.
I know you love Sally.
You know he
love Sally.
You boys know
he love...
You want to give
me a rubdown now?
Henry, where is she?
I left her in the flivver
down on the trail.
On the trail?
Yes.
I must go to her.
Oh, for heaven...
Just let me take a nap.
I'll be all right.
I'll be all right.
I'll be all right.
I feel good.
I feel good.
Yours?
(GRUNTS)
Wholesale...
I mean bigamy!
What mean "bigamy"?
Bigamy means that you cannot
marry two or three women.
Black Eagle no can have two,
three women?
Who say you
no can have?
I said you can't marry
two or three women.
Oh, marry.
(LAUGHS)
(EXCLAIMS KNOWINGLY)
He's a dirty Indian.
(CHUCKLING)
I like you.
Come, I make you
belong tribe. Come.
What does he mean?
He's gonna make me for an Indian?
(LAUGHING)
Me. Big Chief Izzy Horowitz.
Well, I don't know...
BLACK EAGLE: Come. Come.
Today, my people are celebrating
my return to the tribe.
From now on,
I shall live as an Indian.
You can't do that.
I'm through with the
white man and his ways.
My one drop of Indian blood
makes your people hate me.
I don't hate you.
I love you.
I love you too, Sally.
More than my life.
But we can never marry.
When the winter's over
When the summer's through
When there's
prairie clover
I'll still
belong to you
Far above the plain
When the moon is new
When it's on the wane
I'll still belong to you
Winds may blow as though
they know what I've told you
Yet the more they blow
The closer
I'll hold you
Though the world
may take me
From a world for two
Though you may
forsake me
I'll still belong
To you
Dad, that was the bandit's
flivver we saw on the trail.
They must be hiding
around here somewhere.
I'm going to have
a look around.
Oh, Daddy, don't forget,
I want a blanket and a doll.
How!
How!
And how.
Here, you, have you seen a white
man and a white girl about here?
Me, no capisce.
I'll bet you
understand money.
How much for
that blanket?
100!
I wouldn't give you
$100 for six of them.
This blanket have
heap big history.
One time him belong to
Big Chief Spoil-You-Shine.
Who?
Spoil-You-Shine.
Spoil your shine!
My baby don't care for
shows My baby don't care
Why, confound you!
I'll have you thrown off this reservation!
You like this doll?
Yes. How much?
Him also have history.
You know him name?
No, what is it?
Big Chief Rip-Your-Collar!
Who?
Rip-Your-Collar.
Rip your collar!
Rip your collar!
Why, you fresh
Indian!
How dare you?
(MOANS)
You know who I am?
Who?
I'm an Underwood.
Indian no care
for typewriter.
My daughter wants
that blanket and doll.
I'll give you
$50 for the both.
$50. Me no can sell.
Too cheap.
No, no. Cost me more.
No, no, no, no.
You make them $75.
$50.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
What does that mean?
Indian raspberry.
Come on, $50.
No, no. One price, $65.
$50!
$60!
$50!
$60!
$40!
What become of $50?
$40.
$40 for blanket
and doll?
$40 for the blanket
and doll.
White man pay him
$40 for two article?
$40 for the
both articles.
Look, if I sell you for $40,
I couldn't make a cent.
I should live, so.
It cost me alone $35.50.
Could I sell
you for $40?
$40!
Such a chutzpah. $40?
$40!
(TALKING GIBBERISH)
I give you $40,
two articles like that?
$40!
Listen, I don't need your business.
Will you do me a favor?
Yes!
Go some other place.
Go ahead! All right!
Look! Look! Look!
He can't take a joke.
(LAUGHING)
Well, here you are,
my man.
Give me the $40.
Come in again some time.
Come in again. Be glad to see you.
There you are, friend.
Come in again some time, my dear,
little fellow, because...
(IMITATING INDIAN CRY)
Come here, Hiawatha.
And what are you doing
in that fireman shirt?
Me, chief.
Fire chief?
Yes, here is my
hook and ladder.
Getting kind of peppy,
aren't you?
I feel pretty good,
Miss Custer.
I feel like...
(SCATTING)
You know, Miss Custer,
they've got a lot of
beautiful squaws around here!
Oh, yeah?
They've got the hottest-looking
squaws you ever saw.
You know, I tried
to get a room here,
but they didn't have a room,
so I made a reservation.
Miss Custer...
No! No! Miss...
That's about enough
from you.
Dark is the mountain
With the setting of the sun
Outlive the sorrows
When the red man's
day is done
Hear the voice of
sorrow while we pray
Calling our tomorrow,
yesterday
Red man no regretting
With the setting of
The sun
(DRUM BEATING RHYTHMICALLY)
Sheriff come.
Black Eagle
speak sheriff.
Black Eagle,
there is a white girl and a white man here.
What make sheriff
think so?
I'm giving you fair warning.
It ain't me alone you're bucking this time,
but the government.
If you don't produce them,
I'll see that your whole tribe is punished.
If you want to punish
anyone, punish me.
Sally!
Sally!
Why did you elope
with Henry Williams?
Because I couldn't
marry you, Bob.
I love Wanenis,
and I'm going to marry him.
Why, Sally,
you can't.
Father!
Don't worry, Mr. Morgan,
as much as I love Sally,
I know I can
never marry her.
Black Eagle,
Wanenis love white girl.
Tell them truth.
Wanenis white.
Long time,
25 years ago,
Black Eagle find child in white
man's shack on mountain side.
White man leave white squaw,
white squaw die.
Black Eagle
take child.
Black Eagle call
child Wanenis.
You're lying, redskin.
I don't believe you.
Red man never lie.
If sheriff look in
county courthouse,
he will find record Black
Eagle make when Wanenis born.
Is this really true,
Black Eagle?
(MOANS IN AGREEMENT)
I can't believe it.
Tell me! Tell me!
Is it true?
True.
SALLY: Wanenis!
Sally!
Help! Help!
Help! Help!
Listen!
Now, Miss Custer,
listen.
Why don't you
bury the hatchet?
That's what I'm
trying to do.
No, will you...
Now, look, will you wait a while?
Will you wait a while?
Stop this nonsense.
I want to be serious.
Miss Custer,
you know there comes a
time in every man's life
when he feels the
need of a companion.
Someone to whom he can
give his affection,
someone who'll understand him,
love him, comfort him.
Miss Custer, Mary,
I'd like to ask
you one question.
Yes, Henry, dear?
Whatever became
of that calf?
Now, will you
wait a while?
Will you listen?
Will you wait a while?
You know how I
feel about you.
My baby don't
care for shows
My baby don't
care for clothes
My baby just
cares for me
My baby just loves
those consultations
And how she enjoys
my operation
After our honeymoon
In April, May or June
I'll get my nursing free
Then I can feel
good for nothing
My baby just
cares for me
That's all there is.