Wiener-Dog (2016) Movie Script
Remi!
Remi, look!
I got you a surprise.
Wiener-Dog!
Now who's gonna walk it?
I'll walk it.
And Remi will pitch in, too.
You don't have to
if you don't want to.
Damn right I don't have to.
But tell me
who's going to clean up
after it shits all over
the living room floor.
Remi understands.
He's not a little kid.
He's a fucking survivor!
His hair is all grown back.
The doctor said
it would be fine
as long as he keeps up
with the blood work.
And now he's got all summer
to learn how to housebreak it.
It's gonna be good for him.
Fucking asshole.
Shh.
It's okay.
It's okay, Wiener-Dog.
I'm here.
Shh.
Heel!
Heel!
Heel! Goddamn it!
Heel!
Motherfucker! Heel.
Heel, motherfucker.
Heel, motherfucker.
Hey, Dad,
when do you think
we can let Wiener-Dog
out of her cage?
When she's housebroken.
Why do people
say "housebroken"?
Because...
Remi, you have to break a dog,
break their will,
so that they'll submit
to your will.
It's a kind of civilizing.
So they act like humans.
You mean so they go
to the bathroom outside
instead of inside?
Exactly.
But when you break a will,
well...
What is a will exactly, anyway?
It's character.
Force of character.
It's the thing
that makes you you.
Hey, Remi, it's time!
We have to go the vet!
- Mom?
- Yes, honey?
What's "spaying" mean?
It just means, this way,
we don't have to worry
about the dog getting pregnant.
What do they do to her?
Really, it's nothing.
She won't know any different.
Does it hurt?
No, really, it happens so fast,
she won't even
know what happened.
But what do they do to her?
You know, honey,
I'm really not sure.
I mean, all dogs get this done.
Really, it's like going
to the dentist
and having your teeth cleaned.
No big deal.
But what if Wiener-Dog
wants to have puppies.
She won't.
Believe me, that's a total myth.
But what
if Wiener-Dog's different?
Honey, she's not.
She's not like you and me.
She doesn't think this way.
She doesn't think.
I mean, she's just a dog.
But she has feelings.
Oh, sweetheart, I know,
and you're right.
But with a dog,
things are different.
A dog is not human.
It's an animal.
They look to us for guidance.
Without us,
they wouldn't even be here.
What do you mean?
Nature doesn't care about them.
It's sad but true.
We're dog's only friend.
Can I watch?
No, definitely not.
The doctor has to be able
to concentrate.
I won't say anything.
I'm sorry, Remi,
but it's just not allowed.
But Wiener-Dog will be scared.
I know she'll want
to hold my hand.
Wiener-Dog will be fine.
Really.
But if you're there with her,
you'll bring in germs with you.
It would be just like
when during intensification,
remember, all the nausea
and then all sorts
of complications
could start up...
Serious complications.
Like what?
She could die.
All right, then.
Run!
Run, Wiener-Dog, run!
Run, run!
Oh!
Remi!
Oh!
Well, I don't think
there'll be any barking tonight.
Way to go.
Hi, honey.
Honey.
Hi.
You know, when I was
a little girl in France,
we had a little dog also...
A poodle.
My mother
found her at the animal shelter,
and she decided to take her in
because she was so cute
and cuddly and sweet and funny.
We named her Croissant
because she loved croissants
so much.
But then, a few months
after she moved in,
she suddenly started getting
a little tired,
like she was depressed.
All her happy spirit
seemed to have vanished.
And that's when we found
out she was pregnant.
Who was the father?
Well, turns out...
she was raped.
What do you mean?
Well, it was a stray dog
in the woods.
He was called Muhammad.
Hair all matted
and scratched up,
all oily and ugly...
The kind of dog
that growled and snarled,
the kind of dog that has
rabies or ticks
or even worse.
Like what?
Like possibly...
a venereal disease.
You mean like...
AIDS?
Anyway, at the end,
Croissant became very sick.
All her hair
started falling out, her teeth.
Oh, it was too horrible.
And then when she gave birth,
she was in so much pain.
We gave her as many painkillers
as we could,
but she wouldn't
stop whimpering.
And then she died.
What about her puppies?
Stillborn.
If only she had been spayed.
- Poor Croissant.
- Yeah.
What happened to Muhammad?
- Oh, Remi.
- What?
Well, it went on raping...
raping.
Supposedly even squirrels
were victimized.
Until one day, it was shot dead.
They say it was skinned
and turned into a purse.
Were the squirrels spayed?
Oh.
- Dina?!
- Coming.
I'll get the car.
We're gonna be late.
You sure you don't want
to come join us at yoga?
Yeah.
Would you rather we stay home?
No, it's okay. You go.
You need to do your body
maintenance.
Oh, honey, are you sure?
I just want to stay
with Wiener-Dog.
I understand.
Do you have enough granola bars?
Okay.
We'll be back before lunch.
They're gone!
Wiener-Dog?
What's the matter?
Are you hungry?
Want my granola bar, hmm?
Okay.
Oh, God.
Fuck.
Oh!
You see this?
No!
No diarrhea!
No!
Christ!
What did you give her?!
What?!
Some granola bars.
Granola bars is not dog food.
It's food for humans,
and dogs are not human!
But I thought
granola was healthy.
Granola is poison!
Christ, the dog can't digest!
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
- Mom?
- Yes, honey?
What's it like
to be put to sleep?
It feels good.
Like forgetting everything.
I'll never forget Wiener-Dog.
Maybe when you're older.
No.
Never.
Did Dad watch her die?
No.
They would never allow that.
So she was alone.
No, the vet was with her.
Where do you think
they buried her?
I don't know.
Actually,
she was probably cremated.
What's cremated?
Sort of like put in an oven.
Honey, death is a sad thing,
but it's a natural thing.
And sometimes it happens
without any reason at all.
Well, what about God?
We don't believe in God.
Well, what do we believe in?
Truth, compassion, love.
We're all going to die.
That's why we have each other.
That's why we love each other.
Then death is...
a good thing?
Yeah?
All right, hold on.
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo doo doo
doo doo
Doo doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo
Doo dee
Doo Dee?
Howdy, Doo Dee.
Hey, Wiener dog.
- Brandon McCarthy?
- How's it going?
Wo... Wow!
Yeah, wow.
What are you doing here?
Not much.
Passing through.
Huh.
You look pretty good.
Thanks.
You do, too.
- Weird.
- Yeah, I know.
I actually tried looking
you up on Facebook once.
Oh, yeah?
Why?
I don't know.
I was just surfing around and...
I don't know. Your name.
I mean, I've tried looking
up other people, too.
Like who?
Remember Ralphie?
Who?
He used to hang out with me
in, like, seventh grade.
Oh, is he like gay pride
or something?
Transgender.
Huh.
- You used to pick on him a lot.
- Really?
- Yeah, like all the time.
- Hmm.
You even beat him up once.
You smashed his head
against the sidewalk.
Remember?
It's funny how none
of that shit sticks.
Yeah.
- Well, um...
- Maybe, uh...
So, uh, do you want
to exchange e-mails or...
I don't know, maybe catch up?
We're kind of caught up now.
Yeah.
I'm sorry, but, like,
I'm really just passing through.
That's okay.
Totally cool.
Well, take care.
Take care!
Hey. There you go.
There you go.
Good.
Yeah.
Hey there, little meaner.
Her name is Doo Dee.
You mean, like, shit?
I got her a week or so ago.
She was sick,
but now she's much better.
She likes you.
Yeah, dogs like me.
She looks like you.
Thanks.
I'm going to Ohio tomorrow.
I leave early.
You want to come along?
What's in Ohio?
Crystal meth.
Okay.
- Joke.
- Yeah.
I-I-I know.
I miss nothing here.
Hi.
Doo Dee
Doo Dee
Doo
Dee, Doo Dee
You wait here.
Who was that?
Nobody.
You like it here in America?
No.
We prefer Mexico.
But isn't it very dangerous
there now?
I mean, with the drug violence?
Yes, but not so lonely.
In America, so lonely.
And sad.
And depressing.
Like a big,
fat elephant
drowning in a sea of despair.
Sometimes it's just too hard
to lose weight
and to give up.
Doo Dee
Doo Dee
Doo
Dee, Doo Dee
Wait here.
Well, it certainly was nice
to meet all of you.
- Adis.
- Adis.
Good luck finding a job.
Doo Dee
Doo Dee
Doo
Dee, Doo Dee
Doo
Come on.
- Where are we?
- My brother's.
- Brandon?!
- Hey, Tommy!
- Hi, I'm Dawn.
- Hi.
Hey, look, April!
- Coming!
- It's a wiener dog!
- Oh.
- Her name is Doo Dee.
You mean, like doody doody?
Hey, I love Doo Dee.
Mmm.
Mmm!
These hot dogs are really good.
Thanks.
We have them every night
for supper.
- With hot dog rolls!
- Mmm!
Can I give her a hot dog?
Wiener dogs love hot dogs.
Well, she has kind
of a sensitive stomach.
Does she get diarrhea a lot?
Um...
Go ahead.
Go ahead, April.
Doo Doo
Doo
Dee, Doo Dee, Doo
Doo doo doo dee doo
Dee dee doo dee doo doo doo
Dee doo
Say, April.
It's a beautiful day outside.
Would you like to go for a walk?
What for?
I just thought it would be nice
if we could talk.
Yeah.
I like talking.
Me, too.
What should we talk about?
I'm really glad
we're getting to have
this one-on-one time,
kind of...
girls only, you know?
'Cause I wanted
us to get the chance
to bond and talk about things.
Tommy, Brandon.
The way sometimes he just
doesn't get me, you know?
And then his elusiveness
and intractability.
Relationships.
Oh.
Why are you stopping, April?
Can we go back inside?
Oh, already?
I want to go home.
Did I say something wrong?
Heads up, bitch.
I win, I win, I win!
Yeah! Let's play again!
Uh, okay.
Okay, but let's take
a little break first.
How long?
- 10 minutes.
- Five minutes.
Okay, five minutes.
- Five minutes.
- Five minutes.
- And then we play again.
- And then we'll play again.
Five minutes.
Uh, come on,
let's go outside.
Okay.
Tommy?
Yeah?
You know how Dad
had a drinking problem?
Yeah. But he worked
real hard.
Now he doesn't drink anymore.
But then he started
drinking again.
- He did?
- Yeah.
But he told me he stopped.
He stopped...
and then he started again.
Why?
He couldn't help himself.
But he told me he stopped.
The drinking made Dad
very sick.
I know.
That's why he stopped.
He died, Tommy.
But...
I spoke to him last week.
He spoke to you,
and then he died.
Why?
He drank too much.
But he told me he stopped.
He did.
And then he started again,
and he got sick and died.
But he told me he stopped.
I went looking
for Dad's family.
Tracked them down.
I thought we were his family.
He has a brother and a sister.
But we're his family.
You're right, we're his family.
He has no brother and sister.
You're right, they were just...
names.
He had no brother and sister.
You're right.
So...
he died?
Did you stop doing drugs?
Yes.
- Promise?
- Yes.
And you won't start
doing them again.
No.
Promise?
Yes.
No more drugs?
No more drugs.
Promise?
Promise.
Dee doo
Well...
we got to hit the road.
Wait.
She should stay here.
She belongs here.
Really?
I always wanted a leash.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Oh.
I was wondering...
what happens
if April gets pregnant?
Won't happen.
Tubes tied.
Oh.
And your brother?
He was taken care of also.
My dad didn't want
to take any chances.
Doo Dee will feel at home.
Yeah.
S...
Where do we go from here?
See where we are
when we run out of gas.
And then?
Now long ago
This land was just
a-waiting to be found
No one's eyes
had seen the vistas
And no feet had touched
the ground
The eagle and the sparrow
Were the only ones
who'd seen
The purple
of the mountains
And the valleys
lush and green
But on wagon and on foot
The pioneers began to roam
Crossing mountains,
forging rivers
On the quest
to find a home
They all had band together
Ah, but legends walk alone
On the trail
for something better
And a place
to call their own
Wiener-Dog,
Wiener-Dog
She soldiers on where angels
fear to tread
Wiener-Dog,
Wiener-Dog
Just looking
for some shelter
And a place
to rest her head
See, at first, I really
wanted to get the Green Hornet
and the Green Lantern
together in a movie.
It's never been done.
Yeah, it's too complicated
and expensive with the rights.
Marvel is extremely guarded
about its trademarks.
So, instead,
I thought I'd come up
with my own
original superheroes,
get the copyrighted,
and go to work.
I mean, has a film student
ever done that for a short film?
I don't think so.
And then...
I could create original
villains, as well.
For instance, there's...
There's Sticky Fingers.
I really like that name.
And, remember, this is all
extremely confidential, please.
So Sticky Fingers has this power
where anything he touches sticks
to his fingers.
It makes it really easy
for him to rob people
without their realizing it.
Like there's a special type
of gum
at the end of each finger
that can pick up
money or merchandise.
Anyway, the police force
is at wit's end,
the mayor of the city.
Sticky Fingers is on the front
page of every paper.
But then um, uh...
Well,
this is where I have trouble.
I mean, where do I go from here?
I know how you're always
saying about the story,
"what if," "then what?"
But that's what I don't know
the answer to.
What do you think
Sticky Fingers should do?
- Hey, Professor Schmerz.
- Have a great weekend!
Trey Silver's office.
Hi. This is Dave Schmerz.
I was just wondering
if you had any idea
of when Trey might get around
to looking at the screenplay
I sent back in November.
It was a new draft.
Oh, Dave, I'm so sorry.
Did...
Did Trey not get back to you?
No, not yet.
I sent him a bunch of e-mails,
but I haven't had any reply.
Well, he's been, like, crazy
busy these last few weeks.
The whole agency's doing
this radical reshuffle.
Oh, wait, I think he's just
wrapping up his FaceTime.
Let me see
if I can pull some magic.
Oh. It looks like he just
hopped on another
conference call.
What's the best number
I can have him reach you at?
- My cell will be fine.
- Great.
Then I'll let him know
you called as soon
as he gets off.
Thanks.
Bear with me.
Okay, then.
So...
how are you doing?
Great.
Great!
Great.
Would you like something
to drink?
- Bottled water?
- Oh, thanks.
Thanks, I'm good.
Good.
So, tell us...
why do you want
to be a filmmaker?
Well, I've just always
wanted to be a filmmaker.
Ever since, really,
my whole life.
Well, that's great.
Yes, but... why?
Well, I just feel I have
so much to say.
Like what?
What do you have to say?
Well, just everything.
I mean, movies have always
been so inspiring to me.
But tell me,
what movies have inspired you?
What movie or movies
made you want
to become a filmmaker?
Oh, gee.
Well, really,
there are just so many.
I mean, you name it.
Like, all... all kinds.
- Name one, for example.
- Oh, God.
That is such a good question.
And, I mean,
it's really hard, you know,
because there are so many
that are just so great.
What movies have you seen
in the past few weeks
or months?
Have you liked
any of them in particular?
The past few weeks?
Hmm.
Any movie
that you saw over the last year
and that you really liked.
Or made an impression.
Yeah, I know this is
like a trick question, you know,
but there really are so many
that I... I just
can't keep track.
Please, just name a movie.
Any movie.
Excuse me.
I have to take this.
Hello, Schmerz here.
I've got Trey Silver for you.
- How you doing?
- Great!
Great.
Listen, I have big news.
It's gonna sound
like bad news at first,
but I promise you
it's good news in the end.
Uh-huh.
I'm leaving the agency,
and I'm moving over
to Universal
to be VP of production.
I feel super sad
about leaving you,
but it's gonna be so much
better for you in the end
because I'll be in
a much stronger position
to help move
your projects forward.
Have you gotten
to read my script yet?
No, but I wanted
to be totally focused
on where I was first instead
of giving it a sloppy read
while I'm in the middle
of a major job switch
and the phone
is ringing off the hook
and I've got, like,
5,000 e-mails
and Variety...
Yada, yada, yada.
So when do you think
you'll get around to reading it?
First, I want to hand you
over to Carol Steinhardt.
She's super excited about
taking over as your agent,
provided you feel
cool about that.
She's hot,
she's young, she's smart...
Straight out of Harvard.
She's a major up-and-comer.
You're gonna totally click.
So Carol's gonna read it first?
Right now
I think that's your best move.
Speaking off the record
as your friend.
I'm gonna tell her
to give you a call
as soon as we hang up.
Er, wait.
Kara?
I'm here, yes.
See if you can get
Carol Steinhardt right now.
Oh, okay.
Really this is the best thing
that could ever
have happened to you.
I'm, like, so happy for you.
- She's on a conference call.
- Oh, okay, listen.
It's all gonna work out great.
Promise.
Now I got to run.
But I'll talk to you soon,
my friend.
You need to exercise.
I walk my dog.
Exercise.
I can't.
Work out.
Lose weight.
I can't.
You're a ticking time bomb.
Hello?
- Hi, is this Dave Schmerz?
- Yes.
Please hold. I have
Carol Steinhardt for you.
So nice to connect
with you at last, Dave.
Things have been, like,
so crazy here at the agency.
But, tell me,
how are you doing?
Well, I don't have cancer.
Oh, gee!
Trey warned me about you.
- So how are things going?
- Oh, my God.
You can't...
Okay, well, listen now.
Are you sitting down?
Yeah.
I slipped a copy of your
script over to DreamWorks.
Oh.
So when do you think
they'll read it by?
I should know by Monday.
I mean, really,
they are desperate
for new material.
- Uh, did you read it?
- Dave, are you kidding me?
Oh, my God, it's genius!
Hilarious!
I'm telling you, the script
is going to be
a game changer for you.
Oh, gee!
Because I was really worried
about the third act
where DooBee disguises himself
as his mother-in-law
and the Mafia chases him
and then suddenly...
List...
Oh, listen, Dave, honey,
that's DreamWorks
on the other line.
I'm gonna have to jump
onto that. Talk soon!
Hey.
Dave.
Thanks for dropping by.
I got a message you wanted me
to come talk with you.
Come sit down.
Don't worry,
it's really nothing so serious.
Can I get you something
to drink?
Coffee?
No, I'm good.
Good.
So...
how are things
going with your screenplay?
Things are happening.
Good.
Good!
Oh, I'm sorry
that I had to drop
out of that interview
last week, the student.
Nah.
I understood.
Totally cool.
Things are happening.
I get it.
Listen... we have a surprise
director
coming this evening
for the Director Series,
and I know you're not required
to show up for these things,
but I'd really like it
if you did,
as a favor.
I really need a good turnout.
Oh, I can show up.
That's what you want?
Fill a seat?
Thanks, Dave.
Is that all?
Actually...
there is something else.
I've gotten a few reports,
e-mails from some faculty,
some students.
Who?
They're not happy
with your performance here.
What did I do wrong?
You didn't do anything wrong.
It's just...
the general consensus is...
you're a little too negative.
General consensus?
Well,
not everyone's complaining.
It's...
just there are always a few...
complainers.
So they're being negative
about me?
Look, Dave, I'm talking
to you as your friend.
I know you're a great
teacher here.
I helped push
to keep you full time.
"Celebrity Schmelebrity"
is a terrific script.
It's a piece of shit.
I tried to do something good.
It's... something...
Get into my childhood.
Get into some...
Something real.
Real stuff.
Pain.
Memories.
Dreams.
But I wanted it to be funny.
I wanted people to like it.
I wanted it to sell.
So I threw in
the mixed-up identities...
I threw in the sex jokes.
The Mafia.
A little schtick.
Everyone loves a little schtick.
You're not tenured.
This is a new administration.
Shapiro's out.
Brenner's gone.
Wienstein's gone.
Horrowitz and Mandell, gone.
There's only so much
I can do if you don't put forth
a more positive attitude.
Show people
that you really care.
Show people.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
Oh.
The students and faculty
are all so delighted
to have you with us today.
As an alumnus,
you serve
as a real-life inspiration.
You've shown how it is,
in fact,
possible to achieve success
after film school.
Yes.
But really
all I did was make a movie.
One movie.
Luck is such a big factor.
Yes, but talent doesn't hurt.
- Well...
- Tell me,
how do you feel about
your film school experience?
I mean,
how did it prepare you
for the real world?
Nothing can prepare you
for the real world.
Yes,
but what would you advise
the students here
today who want to make movies,
be like you?
My advice?
Drop out.
Drop out and make a movie.
You learn by doing.
Class time is a waste.
But, really,
are you saying
you learned nothing here?
Maybe some storytelling
techniques,
screenwriting approaches?
What if? Then what?
I mean, no offense, but...
Shit.
Is Schmerz
still teaching here?
You have reached
the office of Carol Steinhardt.
Our office hours are Monday
through Friday,
9:00 AM to 6:00 PM.
Please leave a message telling
us your name, phone number,
and purpose for calling
at the sound of the beep.
Thank you.
Carol...
it's Dave Schmerz.
I love you.
Go on, I'm listening.
Well, the thing is
I just don't understand
why I can't write
a script about identity.
What about identity?
I mean, identity
in terms of gender.
Its fluidity.
I've been wanting
to apply '90s queer theory
from a race perspective,
as well,
but after reading
"Epistemology of the Closet,"
I'm just not sure
how to go about the problem
of cohesion and structure.
Look...
you know what I'm gonna say.
You got to have a "what if."
Simple as that.
What if you got locked
out of your house?
What if your girlfriend
cheated on you?
What if you won the lottery?
Then you would have a story.
Then you would be in business.
- I don't know.
- I know.
Thanks for your time,
Professor Schmerz.
Hey, Zeno...
how'd it go with Schmerz?
I'm dropping out.
What did he say?
What if.
Fuck that shit.
I mean, like,
what if you taught
script writing at a film school
and had no fucking talent?
What if you wrote,
like, one movie 19 years ago
and it was a piece of shit?
What if you had
incurable halitosis?
At least he's got an agent.
Big fuck.
My ex-boyfriend's an agent.
The school
should get rid of him.
It's just somehow everything
he suggests seems totally lame.
Like, it's all shtick.
He's probably got, like,
the box set
to "Curb Your Enthusiasm."
- Or "Seinfeld."
- Or Woody Allen.
He's such a homophobe.
He's an idiot,
and he's old.
He's a dinosaur.
Look, I read your script.
It's good.
It's transgressive.
- Thanks.
- I want to start a petition.
I already talked to Phillips
about it...
My uncle's on the board.
I'm just,
like, done with this shit.
He's so out of here.
- Yeah, but, like, what if...
- What if what?
Come on! Come on!
Come on! Come on!
I.D.?
Are you David Schmerz?
What if I am?
Then what?
You did what?
Cheese!
Hi, Nana, it's Zoe.
Um, listen, I'm just
running a little bit late,
but I should definitely
be there in, like, in 20...
20, 30 minutes tops, okay?
And I'll...
I'll see you soon, okay?
Okay, I love you.
This way. This way.
Yvette! Hi!
Hi.
Nana!
I'm sorry I'm late.
Just the traffic
and now with that new highway...
Hi.
Oh, let me introduce you.
This is Fantasy.
Hey.
That's his actual name.
He's, um...
He's got a sister called Dream.
So...
Yvette!
Kaopectate.
You look really good.
Huh?
I said you're
looking really good.
I heard you.
Fantasy is an artist.
Like Picasso.
He was just in this group show,
and it got mentioned in
"Artforum" 30 Under 30.
And he was a finalist
for a Guggenheim last year.
Oh, I got robbed.
You know,
Nana used to do some painting
when she was young.
Didn't you, Nana?
I posed nude
and spread my legs.
That's cool.
Yeah, Fantasy is actually, um,
he's involved
in installation work.
Not... Not type specific,
but more like mixed media.
And, um, he actually
finds these dead animals,
and he embalms them,
and then he sort of
roboticizes them
into these, like,
audio sculptural sort of...
- I'm interested in mortality.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean his work is...
very exploratory,
very controversial.
And you might be thinking
that it's sort of
like a Damien Hirst derivative,
but it's...
Fuck that derivative shit!
But it... But it...
But his work is...
Motherfuckers.
His work is actually
very, um...
you know, social welfare,
income gap, inequality oriented.
Fuck Damien Hirst!
Thanks.
I think it's really great
that you got a new dog,
and it's so cute!
I mean, I think that everyone
should have a pet.
What's its name?
Cancer.
Wait, wait, um...
Why would...
you name it that?
It felt right.
Wait...
Nana, are y... are you?
Everyone's dying.
- I'm going outside.
- Here.
Take Cancer with you.
She has to go.
Um, there's all of
this traffic now,
and it used to be so quiet here
and peaceful and...
sound of bird calls.
Do you ever think about moving?
No.
But the highway...
Oh, um...
I got you a little present.
What for?
I just thought, you know...
crazy, spur of the moment.
Here, open it.
You open it.
Yeah, okay.
It's, um...
It's an ostrich egg.
It's... It's...
It's supposed to be
like a delicacy in South Africa.
People worship it there,
and you can fry it or poach it
or scramble it or,
you know, pickle it or...
Yvette?
Just be super careful
with it, Yvette.
It's just really delicate.
I got a part in a movie.
It's a speaking part.
Um, I play...
a crack whore,
but it's very emotional,
super tender.
Very tender.
And it's two scenes.
Nana, I know that I haven't been
to visit you in a while.
When was the last time
you came by?
I don't know.
Three years.
Four.
How much do you need this time?
10,000.
But it's not 'cause of drugs.
It's just this could be such
a big deal for Fantasy.
You know, in this moment
of his career and he's...
You know, he's worked so hard
and he's so sensitive inside.
And it's...
It's for a really,
really good cause.
How's your dad?
He's in...
California, I think.
When was the last time
you saw him?
We don't speak.
- When are you getting married?
- I don't know.
Um...
You know,
there's just so much stuff
going on right now, and...
Fantasy and I are kind
of just taking things easy,
you know,
'cause there's no rush, like...
I mean, I'm still young, so...
Don't kid yourself.
Um, you just...
You just forgot to fill out
the amount.
No, you fill it out.
I'm no good with numbers.
I'm worried that...
I'm worried that Fantasy
isn't faithful to me.
Yo, Zoe!
That's him.
I got to go.
Bye, Nana!
We'll be back soon.
Thank you!
What happened to you?
I got old.
- I don't want to be old.
- Don't worry.
It will happen so fast,
you won't even know it happened.
Do I have to get wrinkles?
They're not so bad.
Yes, they are.
Well, you can always
have work done.
You mean Botox?
Who are all these children?
You.
They're all you.
All the different lives
you could have had
if you hadn't chosen
the life you chose.
But I didn't choose.
That's you if you had
continued studying art.
And that's you if you had
married your true love.
And that's you
if you had forgiven your mother.
So many years
you never got to know.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello.
And that's you
if you'd shown kindness
to your daughter.
And that's you
if you'd learned
to overlook others' flaws.
And you if you hadn't
given up on life.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello. Hello.
And here's you if you'd ever
liked other people.
And you
if you'd ever liked yourself.
You if you left bigger tips.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello.
And now it's time
to say good-bye.
- No.
- But you have to.
- You have to.
- You have to.
No!
- Everything has a beginning.
- And everything has an end.
No! No!
No! N...
Cancer?
Cancer?
Cancer?
Cancer?
Now long ago
This land was just
a-waiting to be found
No one's eyes
had seen the vistas
And no feet had touched
the ground
The eagle and the sparrow
Were the only ones
who'd seen
The purple of the mountains
And the valleys
lush and green
But on wagon and on foot,
the pioneers began to roam
Crossing mountains,
forging rivers
On a quest to find a home
They all had band together
Ah, but legends
walk alone
On the trail
for something better
And a place
to call their own
Wiener-Dog, Wiener-Dog
She soldiers on where angels
fear to tread
Wiener-Dog, Wiener-Dog
Just looking for
some shelter
And a place
to rest her head
Some see her on the highways
Like a phantom
passing through
Phantom passing through
But she never stays
for long
She's on the scent
of something new
Scent of something,
scent of something new
Now some have tried
to name her
But she never stayed
for long
Long
And some have
tried to tame her
Like the singer of this song
Wiener-Dog, Wiener-Dog
Like wildfire, her myth
and legend spread
Wiener-Dog, Wiener-Dog
Just looking
for some shelter
And a place to rest her head
A place to rest her head
Wiener-Dog, Wiener-Dog
Like wildfire, her myth
and legend spread
Her myth and legend spread
Wiener-Dog, Wiener-Dog
Just looking
for some shelter
And a place to rest her head
Whoo
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh-ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh-ooh-ooh ooh
Remi, look!
I got you a surprise.
Wiener-Dog!
Now who's gonna walk it?
I'll walk it.
And Remi will pitch in, too.
You don't have to
if you don't want to.
Damn right I don't have to.
But tell me
who's going to clean up
after it shits all over
the living room floor.
Remi understands.
He's not a little kid.
He's a fucking survivor!
His hair is all grown back.
The doctor said
it would be fine
as long as he keeps up
with the blood work.
And now he's got all summer
to learn how to housebreak it.
It's gonna be good for him.
Fucking asshole.
Shh.
It's okay.
It's okay, Wiener-Dog.
I'm here.
Shh.
Heel!
Heel!
Heel! Goddamn it!
Heel!
Motherfucker! Heel.
Heel, motherfucker.
Heel, motherfucker.
Hey, Dad,
when do you think
we can let Wiener-Dog
out of her cage?
When she's housebroken.
Why do people
say "housebroken"?
Because...
Remi, you have to break a dog,
break their will,
so that they'll submit
to your will.
It's a kind of civilizing.
So they act like humans.
You mean so they go
to the bathroom outside
instead of inside?
Exactly.
But when you break a will,
well...
What is a will exactly, anyway?
It's character.
Force of character.
It's the thing
that makes you you.
Hey, Remi, it's time!
We have to go the vet!
- Mom?
- Yes, honey?
What's "spaying" mean?
It just means, this way,
we don't have to worry
about the dog getting pregnant.
What do they do to her?
Really, it's nothing.
She won't know any different.
Does it hurt?
No, really, it happens so fast,
she won't even
know what happened.
But what do they do to her?
You know, honey,
I'm really not sure.
I mean, all dogs get this done.
Really, it's like going
to the dentist
and having your teeth cleaned.
No big deal.
But what if Wiener-Dog
wants to have puppies.
She won't.
Believe me, that's a total myth.
But what
if Wiener-Dog's different?
Honey, she's not.
She's not like you and me.
She doesn't think this way.
She doesn't think.
I mean, she's just a dog.
But she has feelings.
Oh, sweetheart, I know,
and you're right.
But with a dog,
things are different.
A dog is not human.
It's an animal.
They look to us for guidance.
Without us,
they wouldn't even be here.
What do you mean?
Nature doesn't care about them.
It's sad but true.
We're dog's only friend.
Can I watch?
No, definitely not.
The doctor has to be able
to concentrate.
I won't say anything.
I'm sorry, Remi,
but it's just not allowed.
But Wiener-Dog will be scared.
I know she'll want
to hold my hand.
Wiener-Dog will be fine.
Really.
But if you're there with her,
you'll bring in germs with you.
It would be just like
when during intensification,
remember, all the nausea
and then all sorts
of complications
could start up...
Serious complications.
Like what?
She could die.
All right, then.
Run!
Run, Wiener-Dog, run!
Run, run!
Oh!
Remi!
Oh!
Well, I don't think
there'll be any barking tonight.
Way to go.
Hi, honey.
Honey.
Hi.
You know, when I was
a little girl in France,
we had a little dog also...
A poodle.
My mother
found her at the animal shelter,
and she decided to take her in
because she was so cute
and cuddly and sweet and funny.
We named her Croissant
because she loved croissants
so much.
But then, a few months
after she moved in,
she suddenly started getting
a little tired,
like she was depressed.
All her happy spirit
seemed to have vanished.
And that's when we found
out she was pregnant.
Who was the father?
Well, turns out...
she was raped.
What do you mean?
Well, it was a stray dog
in the woods.
He was called Muhammad.
Hair all matted
and scratched up,
all oily and ugly...
The kind of dog
that growled and snarled,
the kind of dog that has
rabies or ticks
or even worse.
Like what?
Like possibly...
a venereal disease.
You mean like...
AIDS?
Anyway, at the end,
Croissant became very sick.
All her hair
started falling out, her teeth.
Oh, it was too horrible.
And then when she gave birth,
she was in so much pain.
We gave her as many painkillers
as we could,
but she wouldn't
stop whimpering.
And then she died.
What about her puppies?
Stillborn.
If only she had been spayed.
- Poor Croissant.
- Yeah.
What happened to Muhammad?
- Oh, Remi.
- What?
Well, it went on raping...
raping.
Supposedly even squirrels
were victimized.
Until one day, it was shot dead.
They say it was skinned
and turned into a purse.
Were the squirrels spayed?
Oh.
- Dina?!
- Coming.
I'll get the car.
We're gonna be late.
You sure you don't want
to come join us at yoga?
Yeah.
Would you rather we stay home?
No, it's okay. You go.
You need to do your body
maintenance.
Oh, honey, are you sure?
I just want to stay
with Wiener-Dog.
I understand.
Do you have enough granola bars?
Okay.
We'll be back before lunch.
They're gone!
Wiener-Dog?
What's the matter?
Are you hungry?
Want my granola bar, hmm?
Okay.
Oh, God.
Fuck.
Oh!
You see this?
No!
No diarrhea!
No!
Christ!
What did you give her?!
What?!
Some granola bars.
Granola bars is not dog food.
It's food for humans,
and dogs are not human!
But I thought
granola was healthy.
Granola is poison!
Christ, the dog can't digest!
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
- Mom?
- Yes, honey?
What's it like
to be put to sleep?
It feels good.
Like forgetting everything.
I'll never forget Wiener-Dog.
Maybe when you're older.
No.
Never.
Did Dad watch her die?
No.
They would never allow that.
So she was alone.
No, the vet was with her.
Where do you think
they buried her?
I don't know.
Actually,
she was probably cremated.
What's cremated?
Sort of like put in an oven.
Honey, death is a sad thing,
but it's a natural thing.
And sometimes it happens
without any reason at all.
Well, what about God?
We don't believe in God.
Well, what do we believe in?
Truth, compassion, love.
We're all going to die.
That's why we have each other.
That's why we love each other.
Then death is...
a good thing?
Yeah?
All right, hold on.
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo doo doo
doo doo
Doo doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo
Doo dee
Doo Dee?
Howdy, Doo Dee.
Hey, Wiener dog.
- Brandon McCarthy?
- How's it going?
Wo... Wow!
Yeah, wow.
What are you doing here?
Not much.
Passing through.
Huh.
You look pretty good.
Thanks.
You do, too.
- Weird.
- Yeah, I know.
I actually tried looking
you up on Facebook once.
Oh, yeah?
Why?
I don't know.
I was just surfing around and...
I don't know. Your name.
I mean, I've tried looking
up other people, too.
Like who?
Remember Ralphie?
Who?
He used to hang out with me
in, like, seventh grade.
Oh, is he like gay pride
or something?
Transgender.
Huh.
- You used to pick on him a lot.
- Really?
- Yeah, like all the time.
- Hmm.
You even beat him up once.
You smashed his head
against the sidewalk.
Remember?
It's funny how none
of that shit sticks.
Yeah.
- Well, um...
- Maybe, uh...
So, uh, do you want
to exchange e-mails or...
I don't know, maybe catch up?
We're kind of caught up now.
Yeah.
I'm sorry, but, like,
I'm really just passing through.
That's okay.
Totally cool.
Well, take care.
Take care!
Hey. There you go.
There you go.
Good.
Yeah.
Hey there, little meaner.
Her name is Doo Dee.
You mean, like, shit?
I got her a week or so ago.
She was sick,
but now she's much better.
She likes you.
Yeah, dogs like me.
She looks like you.
Thanks.
I'm going to Ohio tomorrow.
I leave early.
You want to come along?
What's in Ohio?
Crystal meth.
Okay.
- Joke.
- Yeah.
I-I-I know.
I miss nothing here.
Hi.
Doo Dee
Doo Dee
Doo
Dee, Doo Dee
You wait here.
Who was that?
Nobody.
You like it here in America?
No.
We prefer Mexico.
But isn't it very dangerous
there now?
I mean, with the drug violence?
Yes, but not so lonely.
In America, so lonely.
And sad.
And depressing.
Like a big,
fat elephant
drowning in a sea of despair.
Sometimes it's just too hard
to lose weight
and to give up.
Doo Dee
Doo Dee
Doo
Dee, Doo Dee
Wait here.
Well, it certainly was nice
to meet all of you.
- Adis.
- Adis.
Good luck finding a job.
Doo Dee
Doo Dee
Doo
Dee, Doo Dee
Doo
Come on.
- Where are we?
- My brother's.
- Brandon?!
- Hey, Tommy!
- Hi, I'm Dawn.
- Hi.
Hey, look, April!
- Coming!
- It's a wiener dog!
- Oh.
- Her name is Doo Dee.
You mean, like doody doody?
Hey, I love Doo Dee.
Mmm.
Mmm!
These hot dogs are really good.
Thanks.
We have them every night
for supper.
- With hot dog rolls!
- Mmm!
Can I give her a hot dog?
Wiener dogs love hot dogs.
Well, she has kind
of a sensitive stomach.
Does she get diarrhea a lot?
Um...
Go ahead.
Go ahead, April.
Doo Doo
Doo
Dee, Doo Dee, Doo
Doo doo doo dee doo
Dee dee doo dee doo doo doo
Dee doo
Say, April.
It's a beautiful day outside.
Would you like to go for a walk?
What for?
I just thought it would be nice
if we could talk.
Yeah.
I like talking.
Me, too.
What should we talk about?
I'm really glad
we're getting to have
this one-on-one time,
kind of...
girls only, you know?
'Cause I wanted
us to get the chance
to bond and talk about things.
Tommy, Brandon.
The way sometimes he just
doesn't get me, you know?
And then his elusiveness
and intractability.
Relationships.
Oh.
Why are you stopping, April?
Can we go back inside?
Oh, already?
I want to go home.
Did I say something wrong?
Heads up, bitch.
I win, I win, I win!
Yeah! Let's play again!
Uh, okay.
Okay, but let's take
a little break first.
How long?
- 10 minutes.
- Five minutes.
Okay, five minutes.
- Five minutes.
- Five minutes.
- And then we play again.
- And then we'll play again.
Five minutes.
Uh, come on,
let's go outside.
Okay.
Tommy?
Yeah?
You know how Dad
had a drinking problem?
Yeah. But he worked
real hard.
Now he doesn't drink anymore.
But then he started
drinking again.
- He did?
- Yeah.
But he told me he stopped.
He stopped...
and then he started again.
Why?
He couldn't help himself.
But he told me he stopped.
The drinking made Dad
very sick.
I know.
That's why he stopped.
He died, Tommy.
But...
I spoke to him last week.
He spoke to you,
and then he died.
Why?
He drank too much.
But he told me he stopped.
He did.
And then he started again,
and he got sick and died.
But he told me he stopped.
I went looking
for Dad's family.
Tracked them down.
I thought we were his family.
He has a brother and a sister.
But we're his family.
You're right, we're his family.
He has no brother and sister.
You're right, they were just...
names.
He had no brother and sister.
You're right.
So...
he died?
Did you stop doing drugs?
Yes.
- Promise?
- Yes.
And you won't start
doing them again.
No.
Promise?
Yes.
No more drugs?
No more drugs.
Promise?
Promise.
Dee doo
Well...
we got to hit the road.
Wait.
She should stay here.
She belongs here.
Really?
I always wanted a leash.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Oh.
I was wondering...
what happens
if April gets pregnant?
Won't happen.
Tubes tied.
Oh.
And your brother?
He was taken care of also.
My dad didn't want
to take any chances.
Doo Dee will feel at home.
Yeah.
S...
Where do we go from here?
See where we are
when we run out of gas.
And then?
Now long ago
This land was just
a-waiting to be found
No one's eyes
had seen the vistas
And no feet had touched
the ground
The eagle and the sparrow
Were the only ones
who'd seen
The purple
of the mountains
And the valleys
lush and green
But on wagon and on foot
The pioneers began to roam
Crossing mountains,
forging rivers
On the quest
to find a home
They all had band together
Ah, but legends walk alone
On the trail
for something better
And a place
to call their own
Wiener-Dog,
Wiener-Dog
She soldiers on where angels
fear to tread
Wiener-Dog,
Wiener-Dog
Just looking
for some shelter
And a place
to rest her head
See, at first, I really
wanted to get the Green Hornet
and the Green Lantern
together in a movie.
It's never been done.
Yeah, it's too complicated
and expensive with the rights.
Marvel is extremely guarded
about its trademarks.
So, instead,
I thought I'd come up
with my own
original superheroes,
get the copyrighted,
and go to work.
I mean, has a film student
ever done that for a short film?
I don't think so.
And then...
I could create original
villains, as well.
For instance, there's...
There's Sticky Fingers.
I really like that name.
And, remember, this is all
extremely confidential, please.
So Sticky Fingers has this power
where anything he touches sticks
to his fingers.
It makes it really easy
for him to rob people
without their realizing it.
Like there's a special type
of gum
at the end of each finger
that can pick up
money or merchandise.
Anyway, the police force
is at wit's end,
the mayor of the city.
Sticky Fingers is on the front
page of every paper.
But then um, uh...
Well,
this is where I have trouble.
I mean, where do I go from here?
I know how you're always
saying about the story,
"what if," "then what?"
But that's what I don't know
the answer to.
What do you think
Sticky Fingers should do?
- Hey, Professor Schmerz.
- Have a great weekend!
Trey Silver's office.
Hi. This is Dave Schmerz.
I was just wondering
if you had any idea
of when Trey might get around
to looking at the screenplay
I sent back in November.
It was a new draft.
Oh, Dave, I'm so sorry.
Did...
Did Trey not get back to you?
No, not yet.
I sent him a bunch of e-mails,
but I haven't had any reply.
Well, he's been, like, crazy
busy these last few weeks.
The whole agency's doing
this radical reshuffle.
Oh, wait, I think he's just
wrapping up his FaceTime.
Let me see
if I can pull some magic.
Oh. It looks like he just
hopped on another
conference call.
What's the best number
I can have him reach you at?
- My cell will be fine.
- Great.
Then I'll let him know
you called as soon
as he gets off.
Thanks.
Bear with me.
Okay, then.
So...
how are you doing?
Great.
Great!
Great.
Would you like something
to drink?
- Bottled water?
- Oh, thanks.
Thanks, I'm good.
Good.
So, tell us...
why do you want
to be a filmmaker?
Well, I've just always
wanted to be a filmmaker.
Ever since, really,
my whole life.
Well, that's great.
Yes, but... why?
Well, I just feel I have
so much to say.
Like what?
What do you have to say?
Well, just everything.
I mean, movies have always
been so inspiring to me.
But tell me,
what movies have inspired you?
What movie or movies
made you want
to become a filmmaker?
Oh, gee.
Well, really,
there are just so many.
I mean, you name it.
Like, all... all kinds.
- Name one, for example.
- Oh, God.
That is such a good question.
And, I mean,
it's really hard, you know,
because there are so many
that are just so great.
What movies have you seen
in the past few weeks
or months?
Have you liked
any of them in particular?
The past few weeks?
Hmm.
Any movie
that you saw over the last year
and that you really liked.
Or made an impression.
Yeah, I know this is
like a trick question, you know,
but there really are so many
that I... I just
can't keep track.
Please, just name a movie.
Any movie.
Excuse me.
I have to take this.
Hello, Schmerz here.
I've got Trey Silver for you.
- How you doing?
- Great!
Great.
Listen, I have big news.
It's gonna sound
like bad news at first,
but I promise you
it's good news in the end.
Uh-huh.
I'm leaving the agency,
and I'm moving over
to Universal
to be VP of production.
I feel super sad
about leaving you,
but it's gonna be so much
better for you in the end
because I'll be in
a much stronger position
to help move
your projects forward.
Have you gotten
to read my script yet?
No, but I wanted
to be totally focused
on where I was first instead
of giving it a sloppy read
while I'm in the middle
of a major job switch
and the phone
is ringing off the hook
and I've got, like,
5,000 e-mails
and Variety...
Yada, yada, yada.
So when do you think
you'll get around to reading it?
First, I want to hand you
over to Carol Steinhardt.
She's super excited about
taking over as your agent,
provided you feel
cool about that.
She's hot,
she's young, she's smart...
Straight out of Harvard.
She's a major up-and-comer.
You're gonna totally click.
So Carol's gonna read it first?
Right now
I think that's your best move.
Speaking off the record
as your friend.
I'm gonna tell her
to give you a call
as soon as we hang up.
Er, wait.
Kara?
I'm here, yes.
See if you can get
Carol Steinhardt right now.
Oh, okay.
Really this is the best thing
that could ever
have happened to you.
I'm, like, so happy for you.
- She's on a conference call.
- Oh, okay, listen.
It's all gonna work out great.
Promise.
Now I got to run.
But I'll talk to you soon,
my friend.
You need to exercise.
I walk my dog.
Exercise.
I can't.
Work out.
Lose weight.
I can't.
You're a ticking time bomb.
Hello?
- Hi, is this Dave Schmerz?
- Yes.
Please hold. I have
Carol Steinhardt for you.
So nice to connect
with you at last, Dave.
Things have been, like,
so crazy here at the agency.
But, tell me,
how are you doing?
Well, I don't have cancer.
Oh, gee!
Trey warned me about you.
- So how are things going?
- Oh, my God.
You can't...
Okay, well, listen now.
Are you sitting down?
Yeah.
I slipped a copy of your
script over to DreamWorks.
Oh.
So when do you think
they'll read it by?
I should know by Monday.
I mean, really,
they are desperate
for new material.
- Uh, did you read it?
- Dave, are you kidding me?
Oh, my God, it's genius!
Hilarious!
I'm telling you, the script
is going to be
a game changer for you.
Oh, gee!
Because I was really worried
about the third act
where DooBee disguises himself
as his mother-in-law
and the Mafia chases him
and then suddenly...
List...
Oh, listen, Dave, honey,
that's DreamWorks
on the other line.
I'm gonna have to jump
onto that. Talk soon!
Hey.
Dave.
Thanks for dropping by.
I got a message you wanted me
to come talk with you.
Come sit down.
Don't worry,
it's really nothing so serious.
Can I get you something
to drink?
Coffee?
No, I'm good.
Good.
So...
how are things
going with your screenplay?
Things are happening.
Good.
Good!
Oh, I'm sorry
that I had to drop
out of that interview
last week, the student.
Nah.
I understood.
Totally cool.
Things are happening.
I get it.
Listen... we have a surprise
director
coming this evening
for the Director Series,
and I know you're not required
to show up for these things,
but I'd really like it
if you did,
as a favor.
I really need a good turnout.
Oh, I can show up.
That's what you want?
Fill a seat?
Thanks, Dave.
Is that all?
Actually...
there is something else.
I've gotten a few reports,
e-mails from some faculty,
some students.
Who?
They're not happy
with your performance here.
What did I do wrong?
You didn't do anything wrong.
It's just...
the general consensus is...
you're a little too negative.
General consensus?
Well,
not everyone's complaining.
It's...
just there are always a few...
complainers.
So they're being negative
about me?
Look, Dave, I'm talking
to you as your friend.
I know you're a great
teacher here.
I helped push
to keep you full time.
"Celebrity Schmelebrity"
is a terrific script.
It's a piece of shit.
I tried to do something good.
It's... something...
Get into my childhood.
Get into some...
Something real.
Real stuff.
Pain.
Memories.
Dreams.
But I wanted it to be funny.
I wanted people to like it.
I wanted it to sell.
So I threw in
the mixed-up identities...
I threw in the sex jokes.
The Mafia.
A little schtick.
Everyone loves a little schtick.
You're not tenured.
This is a new administration.
Shapiro's out.
Brenner's gone.
Wienstein's gone.
Horrowitz and Mandell, gone.
There's only so much
I can do if you don't put forth
a more positive attitude.
Show people
that you really care.
Show people.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
Oh.
The students and faculty
are all so delighted
to have you with us today.
As an alumnus,
you serve
as a real-life inspiration.
You've shown how it is,
in fact,
possible to achieve success
after film school.
Yes.
But really
all I did was make a movie.
One movie.
Luck is such a big factor.
Yes, but talent doesn't hurt.
- Well...
- Tell me,
how do you feel about
your film school experience?
I mean,
how did it prepare you
for the real world?
Nothing can prepare you
for the real world.
Yes,
but what would you advise
the students here
today who want to make movies,
be like you?
My advice?
Drop out.
Drop out and make a movie.
You learn by doing.
Class time is a waste.
But, really,
are you saying
you learned nothing here?
Maybe some storytelling
techniques,
screenwriting approaches?
What if? Then what?
I mean, no offense, but...
Shit.
Is Schmerz
still teaching here?
You have reached
the office of Carol Steinhardt.
Our office hours are Monday
through Friday,
9:00 AM to 6:00 PM.
Please leave a message telling
us your name, phone number,
and purpose for calling
at the sound of the beep.
Thank you.
Carol...
it's Dave Schmerz.
I love you.
Go on, I'm listening.
Well, the thing is
I just don't understand
why I can't write
a script about identity.
What about identity?
I mean, identity
in terms of gender.
Its fluidity.
I've been wanting
to apply '90s queer theory
from a race perspective,
as well,
but after reading
"Epistemology of the Closet,"
I'm just not sure
how to go about the problem
of cohesion and structure.
Look...
you know what I'm gonna say.
You got to have a "what if."
Simple as that.
What if you got locked
out of your house?
What if your girlfriend
cheated on you?
What if you won the lottery?
Then you would have a story.
Then you would be in business.
- I don't know.
- I know.
Thanks for your time,
Professor Schmerz.
Hey, Zeno...
how'd it go with Schmerz?
I'm dropping out.
What did he say?
What if.
Fuck that shit.
I mean, like,
what if you taught
script writing at a film school
and had no fucking talent?
What if you wrote,
like, one movie 19 years ago
and it was a piece of shit?
What if you had
incurable halitosis?
At least he's got an agent.
Big fuck.
My ex-boyfriend's an agent.
The school
should get rid of him.
It's just somehow everything
he suggests seems totally lame.
Like, it's all shtick.
He's probably got, like,
the box set
to "Curb Your Enthusiasm."
- Or "Seinfeld."
- Or Woody Allen.
He's such a homophobe.
He's an idiot,
and he's old.
He's a dinosaur.
Look, I read your script.
It's good.
It's transgressive.
- Thanks.
- I want to start a petition.
I already talked to Phillips
about it...
My uncle's on the board.
I'm just,
like, done with this shit.
He's so out of here.
- Yeah, but, like, what if...
- What if what?
Come on! Come on!
Come on! Come on!
I.D.?
Are you David Schmerz?
What if I am?
Then what?
You did what?
Cheese!
Hi, Nana, it's Zoe.
Um, listen, I'm just
running a little bit late,
but I should definitely
be there in, like, in 20...
20, 30 minutes tops, okay?
And I'll...
I'll see you soon, okay?
Okay, I love you.
This way. This way.
Yvette! Hi!
Hi.
Nana!
I'm sorry I'm late.
Just the traffic
and now with that new highway...
Hi.
Oh, let me introduce you.
This is Fantasy.
Hey.
That's his actual name.
He's, um...
He's got a sister called Dream.
So...
Yvette!
Kaopectate.
You look really good.
Huh?
I said you're
looking really good.
I heard you.
Fantasy is an artist.
Like Picasso.
He was just in this group show,
and it got mentioned in
"Artforum" 30 Under 30.
And he was a finalist
for a Guggenheim last year.
Oh, I got robbed.
You know,
Nana used to do some painting
when she was young.
Didn't you, Nana?
I posed nude
and spread my legs.
That's cool.
Yeah, Fantasy is actually, um,
he's involved
in installation work.
Not... Not type specific,
but more like mixed media.
And, um, he actually
finds these dead animals,
and he embalms them,
and then he sort of
roboticizes them
into these, like,
audio sculptural sort of...
- I'm interested in mortality.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean his work is...
very exploratory,
very controversial.
And you might be thinking
that it's sort of
like a Damien Hirst derivative,
but it's...
Fuck that derivative shit!
But it... But it...
But his work is...
Motherfuckers.
His work is actually
very, um...
you know, social welfare,
income gap, inequality oriented.
Fuck Damien Hirst!
Thanks.
I think it's really great
that you got a new dog,
and it's so cute!
I mean, I think that everyone
should have a pet.
What's its name?
Cancer.
Wait, wait, um...
Why would...
you name it that?
It felt right.
Wait...
Nana, are y... are you?
Everyone's dying.
- I'm going outside.
- Here.
Take Cancer with you.
She has to go.
Um, there's all of
this traffic now,
and it used to be so quiet here
and peaceful and...
sound of bird calls.
Do you ever think about moving?
No.
But the highway...
Oh, um...
I got you a little present.
What for?
I just thought, you know...
crazy, spur of the moment.
Here, open it.
You open it.
Yeah, okay.
It's, um...
It's an ostrich egg.
It's... It's...
It's supposed to be
like a delicacy in South Africa.
People worship it there,
and you can fry it or poach it
or scramble it or,
you know, pickle it or...
Yvette?
Just be super careful
with it, Yvette.
It's just really delicate.
I got a part in a movie.
It's a speaking part.
Um, I play...
a crack whore,
but it's very emotional,
super tender.
Very tender.
And it's two scenes.
Nana, I know that I haven't been
to visit you in a while.
When was the last time
you came by?
I don't know.
Three years.
Four.
How much do you need this time?
10,000.
But it's not 'cause of drugs.
It's just this could be such
a big deal for Fantasy.
You know, in this moment
of his career and he's...
You know, he's worked so hard
and he's so sensitive inside.
And it's...
It's for a really,
really good cause.
How's your dad?
He's in...
California, I think.
When was the last time
you saw him?
We don't speak.
- When are you getting married?
- I don't know.
Um...
You know,
there's just so much stuff
going on right now, and...
Fantasy and I are kind
of just taking things easy,
you know,
'cause there's no rush, like...
I mean, I'm still young, so...
Don't kid yourself.
Um, you just...
You just forgot to fill out
the amount.
No, you fill it out.
I'm no good with numbers.
I'm worried that...
I'm worried that Fantasy
isn't faithful to me.
Yo, Zoe!
That's him.
I got to go.
Bye, Nana!
We'll be back soon.
Thank you!
What happened to you?
I got old.
- I don't want to be old.
- Don't worry.
It will happen so fast,
you won't even know it happened.
Do I have to get wrinkles?
They're not so bad.
Yes, they are.
Well, you can always
have work done.
You mean Botox?
Who are all these children?
You.
They're all you.
All the different lives
you could have had
if you hadn't chosen
the life you chose.
But I didn't choose.
That's you if you had
continued studying art.
And that's you if you had
married your true love.
And that's you
if you had forgiven your mother.
So many years
you never got to know.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello.
And that's you
if you'd shown kindness
to your daughter.
And that's you
if you'd learned
to overlook others' flaws.
And you if you hadn't
given up on life.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello. Hello.
And here's you if you'd ever
liked other people.
And you
if you'd ever liked yourself.
You if you left bigger tips.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello.
And now it's time
to say good-bye.
- No.
- But you have to.
- You have to.
- You have to.
No!
- Everything has a beginning.
- And everything has an end.
No! No!
No! N...
Cancer?
Cancer?
Cancer?
Cancer?
Now long ago
This land was just
a-waiting to be found
No one's eyes
had seen the vistas
And no feet had touched
the ground
The eagle and the sparrow
Were the only ones
who'd seen
The purple of the mountains
And the valleys
lush and green
But on wagon and on foot,
the pioneers began to roam
Crossing mountains,
forging rivers
On a quest to find a home
They all had band together
Ah, but legends
walk alone
On the trail
for something better
And a place
to call their own
Wiener-Dog, Wiener-Dog
She soldiers on where angels
fear to tread
Wiener-Dog, Wiener-Dog
Just looking for
some shelter
And a place
to rest her head
Some see her on the highways
Like a phantom
passing through
Phantom passing through
But she never stays
for long
She's on the scent
of something new
Scent of something,
scent of something new
Now some have tried
to name her
But she never stayed
for long
Long
And some have
tried to tame her
Like the singer of this song
Wiener-Dog, Wiener-Dog
Like wildfire, her myth
and legend spread
Wiener-Dog, Wiener-Dog
Just looking
for some shelter
And a place to rest her head
A place to rest her head
Wiener-Dog, Wiener-Dog
Like wildfire, her myth
and legend spread
Her myth and legend spread
Wiener-Dog, Wiener-Dog
Just looking
for some shelter
And a place to rest her head
Whoo
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh-ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh-ooh-ooh ooh