Wild Hunt, The (2009) Movie Script
They only know how to take.
But we will teach them sacrifice!
By Thor!
And we'll drink the blood.
The beast will rise!
And we will destroy the conquerors!
Magnusson!
Magnusson!
King Argyle...
Murtagh captured Princess Evlynia.
They will bleed her to the beast.
It's a trap.
We'll be slaughtered
if we try anything.
She is lost.
Lost? She is our Valkyrie.
Her doom will spell our doom!
She's not worth risking
my lands and my armies.
So we retreat.
You are a coward
worshipping a coward God!
You are unfit to be king.
Perhaps, even unfit to be alive.
Northmen scum!
I am the new king!
Wait!
Come on.
Whoa, whoa! The fight's
fucking over, OK?
I hit you, like, 10 times.
What are you talking about?
You hit me once! - Game over!
You're fucking dead, OK?
I've got a magical
cloak of protection.
It's like armour! - You're dead!
My magical sword killed you. Ref!
Just give me back the
fucking crown, OK?
Murtagh has way too many points
for us to do anything
stupid like charging, right?
We'll fight him next weekend
when we rally more guilds, OK?
Let's be honest.
Your precious little princess,
she let herself get kidnapped.
You're just a coward!
He's a coward, just a coward!
OK, guys, come on!
Stay in character.
It was a draw. Duel again.
Oh, I'm not duelling again!
I won! - Let's go!
Like, 50 people saw me.
Look, ask--ask that guy!
I won.
Ow!
Victorious!
All right!
Four kegs, Argyle's fort,
beer's on me!
Come on!
Shut up! Dead people don't talk.
Stay down for one more
minute till you're resurrected.
You can just rebuild your
clan with real warriors.
Men of courage! Like you.
Bjorn...
I want to be your Viking.
Let's be kings!
You're leaving again?
Yeah, just for a few days.
I think I found a job.
Really?
Mm-hmm!
That's great.
How is it related to my
brother's stupid game?
He only took me up there,
like, a couple of times,
just for fun.
How long are you going for?
I don't know. I...
I kind of have...
It's making me a little crazy here.
Look, can we talk
about this later
when I'm back from work?
No.
Yeah.
I just need to...
get some air.
And you will call me?
Mm-hmm.
Here's my ride.
Viking maiden's in there next.
"Viking maiden's in there next."
Bye.
Who's the guy?
A friend.
Make him stop.
What are you doing? Make him stop!
Thor almighty, god of thunder,
it is Ragnark,
the end of our world.
I have not turned my back on you.
Give me the strength
to win this battle.
I implore you!
Give me a sign!
Show me the way!
Yes.
I hear you.
Mjllnir, hammer of thunder!
I hear you, Mjllnir!
Mjllnir!
I await you!
Thor!
I bathe in your storm!
I, Bjorn Magnusson,
your chosen one!
Lyn?
Erik, I need to
reave your hard body,
you bad, bad boy.
Too bad you're not hung
like that black dragon
brother of yours.
Rest your libidinous heart,
brother. It is I.
And the maiden will be
back in your arms soon.
Where is Lyn now, Bjorn?
Bjorn?
And I had a vision.
I need Mjllnir.
Bjorn?
Do you have it?
What?
Mjllnir, hammer of Thor!
Forged in ancient--
Erik?
Erik?
Murtagh!
I will crush your skull!
Ah!
Make him stop!
What are you doing? Make him stop!
Stop him, please!
Dad, go to sleep!
Bjorn?
Nay, sir, it is I!
Bernie.
And I come on a quest
for your son, Bjorn,
who seeks his hammer,
Mjllnir, slayer of giants.
Oh! It's real!
The bill was real, too.
Hey!
Your brother wants me
to pick up his hammer.
All right.
Knock yourself out.
Oh!
Mjllnir! Ah!
Hammer of the gods,
forged in Valhalla!
I am not worthy.
Come on!
I remember you used to enjoy
watching us play D&D
all night until--
Yeah, until I realized that
the big kids were all losers.
Well, at least
we're the fun losers.
Um, Evelyn, when she's up there,
where does she sleep?
Uh, I don't know.
You know, now that Murtagh's
captured her, you know,
these savages they all
sleep in one big tent.
I know some girls,
they role-play medieval prostitutes
and they have sex with men
who pay them in fake coins.
Listen, it's only gonna get worse.
As we say in accounting:
ravage, plunder, prima nocta!
You know, I knew a guy
who once had 2 at once.
Take what you want!
English, Dad.
English.
Thus come the Celts
with full power upon us.
Therefore, you three go
forth with swift dispatch
to line and new repair our
northern and eastern flanks.
Meanwhile, I will work
to gain the allegiance
of the elves.
Did you guys get it, huh?
It's pretty good, right?
Shit, yeah!
Mjllnir...
hammer of Thor.
Behold! The hammer of thunder!
Mjllnir!
Mjllnir!
The serpent that circles the Earth
writhes in fury.
With every breath,
he stains the soil and
the sky with his poison.
The fire giants are
marching against us,
carrying swords that blaze
like the sun itself.
They scorch the Earth as they pass.
But I, Bjorn Magnusson,
will lead you heroes
into Ragnark...
the final battle.
I don't wanna be
a knight anymore.
OK. Do you wanna play an elf?
We still need more elves.
Nope, elves are gay.
I'm just more the stoic,
fighter type.
You know, swords...
Hello.
You can't park here.
This is for emergencies only.
You're blocking the entrance.
But you can go to Lot 4.
Yeah, no, I'm not staying.
I came to see someone.
OK, but you're not in decorum.
Decorum?
Who are you looking for?
Uh, Lyn. I'm looking for Lyn.
No, there's nobody
here named Lyn.
No, we'd have seen her register.
Unless, you mean her
most immaculate Valkyrie
of the Viking folk...
Princess Evlynia of the Icewind.
Wait! Whoa! Costume!
Decorum!
Decorum, decorum!
You know, some guys
plan a year in advance
for this event.
They don't want someone
bursting their bubble
with modern stuff.
Yeah, man,
don't mess with decorum.
What's your name?
Erik Magnusson.
Magnusson?
Like Bjorn Magnusson the Berserker?
Like Bjorn Magnusson,
scourge of the high seas?
Yeah, I didn't come here
to see him, all right?
I came here to talk
to my girlfriend.
Wait a minute.
Is Princess Evlynia your
girlfriend? Oh, dude!
And you're her boyfriend?
Does she know you're coming?
I really have to wear this shit?
No.
You can leave if you want to.
Swords, good.
All right, this is soft.
Ready to go.
Spear is ready to be thrown.
This is dangerous.
Tip is missing. This is dangerous.
Somebody could get hurt.
Much tears, much pain,
far from hospital.
Rule number one.
Understood?
Fuck off!
So are we next for
throw ball, cabrn?
He lost the elfin alliance.
So unless Thor
personally comes down
and kicks ass tomorrow,
the Celts will win.
Sir Bernie! Leave the coward king!
Come back to us!
Seor Bernie!
Join us!
Seor Bernardo!
Leave the coward king! Join us!
Join us, Seor Bernardo!
Join us!
Come on, Seor Bernardo!
Seor Bernie!
By Thor...
a sign.
Yah!
This is a glorious day!
The Magnusson clan united!
Meet my little Viking brother.
Bjorn, I'm not here to
bother you, all right?
I know you're busy.
Come, let us drink. Erik, huh?
I don't want a drink.
Oh, no, no. How is our father?
Clan patriarch Magnus, huh?
He's the same as he was
when you came home 2
months ago, you know?
It was fine when you bailed on us.
He's great. He's up
every night puking.
Well, there was no
room left at your place.
So out of respect for our elders,
I gave my place to Magnus.
Where's Lyn, all right?
I know you brought her up here.
And I know you took
her under your wing.
So where is she?
Yes, yes, that's just it.
She was kidnapped by Murtagh.
And now since Argyle will
not rescue her, the--
Shut up, Bjorn!
Shut up!
I don't give a shit!
How many times did you
bring her up here?
You brought her up here
and you fucked shit up!
Forget about all that.
Please, Erik, this is a
time for peace, brother.
You wanna make peace with me?
You come back into the city
and you clean up Dad's shit!
All right? If not,
then get the fuck out of my face!
Fucking take this shit off!
You look like an idiot!
He has the fiery spirit
of the Magnusson, huh?
It's OK.
By the way, this is David.
He wants to be a
fierce Viking captain!
He used to be with Argyle,
but got tired of being
the knights' butt monkey.
It's not exactly like that, uh...
I'm not--I'm not a butt monkey, OK?
Come, looks like
you need a drink.
You're one weird
transvestite, cabrn.
We're now entering the lands
of the dreaded shaman, Murtagh.
Murtagh?
Yeah, Murtagh.
Well, this has been around
for thousands of years.
The oldest symbol known to man.
The horned one.
Who's gonna wear it? You?
The hunt master.
Someone with the fury,
with the beast inside of them.
Someone who is truly free.
Or someone with a great ass.
I have a great ass.
Intruders!
Oh!
Intruders! Halt!
Intruders, intruders!
Hey!
Intruders!
You get me every time!
OK, OK!
Referee, referee! False alarm!
False alarm!
What the fuck is happening?
I seek audience with the
dreaded shaman, Murtagh!
Shit!
Lyn, wait! Lyn!
I just wanna talk to her.
She's our prisoner.
Lyn!
Lyn...
Lyn, look, you're in a
costume surrounded by--
Stop it!
Hey, 5 times, cocksucker!
Fall down, you're dead!
I'm not fucking
playing this game!
Lyn...
I'm not playing the fucking game!
Lyn...
Ah, ah, ah, ah! Ha!
Lyn, you're in a
costume with guys in fur.
Seriously! Come on, Lyn.
This is the better life you wanted?
Huh? Is this...
Is this how you're
gonna get more air?
Lyn, please, just listen.
Let him speak, Greg.
Let's see if this peasant
has the eloquence
to woo the princess.
Lyn, look,
if you wanna come
up here on weekends,
I can't say anything to that,
all right?
But what you said about
feeling trapped--
Role-play in character,
cocksucker!
OK, Lyn, things are really
messed up at home right now.
But I will work it out.
You just need to be patient.
Oh, be patient! Be patient!
The lad wants us to be patient!
Lyn, look at this.
Lyn, it doesn't have to end,
all right?
It doesn't. It doesn't have to end.
"It doesn't have to end.
It doesn't have to end!"
Do we have anything
to put in his end?
Is there any carrots around?
Perhaps a cucumber?
How about my fist!
Go run, crybaby!
Go cry! Oh, poor boy!
Murtagh is no longer
accepting audience.
We don't lie to him here.
Yeah!
Vamoose! Valhalla!
Oh!
Yes, yes!
Come on!
Whoo!
Bjorn!
You see? Not so easy, is it?
Talking to a Viking princess.
Yeah, some women when
they come up here,
need to be spoken
to like queens, huh?
My fair lady,
the burdens you carry in
ruling these realms are many,
but few have the privilege
of seeing the fair flower beneath.
Then they wanna be
ravaged like beasts!
They want to be ordered!
"Undress before your Viking lord."
Shut up, Bjorn.
Erik...
My brother...
Because my little brother
had the guts to come up here...
I will help him on his love quest.
I don't need your help.
But I know a way...
how you could get to your princess.
Alone.
Away from the shaman,
away from the savages.
Because these are my lands.
How?
With the mighty hammer, Thor,
having attracted Erik Magnusson,
his questing brother,
Bjorn Magnusson embarks
on a perilous mission
to free the Viking princess,
Evlynia,
from hell itself for the
love of his brother.
Murtagh, we're coming.
To Mexico!
Your forests are not dark enough.
They're not thick enough.
How's that?
Will he die a horrible death?
Or will he succeed
and rekindle the might
of the Viking clan
and upsetting the power balance
in our war-torn world?
That's it, yes!
God, yes!
Yes!
Sorry, wait.
I can't do it tonight.
I've got the wrestling
and the fire breathing.
I just can't do it tonight.
Mexican Vikings, unreliable.
I don't know.
You settled last week.
Murtagh might be pissed.
Come on, Oliver.
Tomorrow's the big battle.
After that, it's over.
It should end with a bang.
Don't be a gnome.
OK, stay with the Vikings.
I'll go rev Murtagh.
Copy. Yes!
Yes! Awesome!
I am Bjorn Magnusson,
son of Magnus Gunnarsson,
son of Gunnar Olafsson.
And I swear upon Mjllnir,
hammer of Thor,
to give my strength,
to give my blood,
to free the princess.
Where one of us fights,
we all fight.
When one of us dies...
we all die.
Speak the words.
Uh, my name is David Connelly.
I don't really know
who my father is.
But I swear to fight
and to lend my
strength and my blood
to be a Viking.
I, uh, bruise easily,
but I promise to try and
work through that...
Good.
-...during a battle.
You've done well.
You too, do this.
What?
You've helped the
Magnussons thus far.
OK.
I, Tamara Pavetta,
swear to help this man,
Erik Magnusson, on his love quest.
Hmm!
Erik Magnusson, speak the oath.
We're not--we're not
even Vikings, all right?
We were born in Canada, all right?
The oath is bullshit. This is...
This is completely stupid.
Hmm...
So, you will leave?
You will run knowing full well
that your woman is
being ravaged all night
in a shaman's hut?
Come on!
Come on, I was with him for,
like, a few months.
I lived with him. It's over now.
Things got fucked up.
I told him to forget about me.
It's over.
Are you sure?
I thought this was about
being free and stuff.
If it's not fun,
I'm gonna take this
fucking catsuit off
and I'm gonna go.
If it's not fun, I'm leaving!
Is that OK with you?
Decorum.
What?
When you speak to me,
you speak in character.
Fuck this! Fuck this!
Fuck!
Come on, let's fuck this bitch!
Get the fuck off of me!
Get the fuck off of me!
Fuck! You fucking psycho!
You fucking psycho!
Jesus Christ!
I am Erik Magnusson,
son of Magnus Gunnarsson,
son of Gunnar Olafsson,
Viking warrior from Iceland!
I am Erik Magnusson,
son of, uh, Magnus Gunnarsson,
son of Gunnar Olafsson,
Viking warrior from Iceland.
No, no, no!
You must be proud of
your name, brother!
I am Erik Magnusson,
son of Magnus Gunnarsson,
son of Gunnar Olafsson,
Viking warrior.
I have forgotten the sagas
and have renounced my bloodline!
- I have forgotten the saga-
- Come on! Really?
Louder! I have
forgotten the sagas.
I have lost my warrior pride.
I have forgotten the sagas
and I have lost my warrior pride.
I have lost my warrior pride.
And because of that,
I have lost my woman!
She has left me for another.
I have lost my warrior pride.
And because of that,
I have lost my woman to another.
Louder.
I have lost my warrior pride.
And because of that--
Louder, brother!
The gods must hear you!
I've lost my pride!
And because of that, Lyn dumped me!
Yes.
Good, my brother!
Now rise, Erik Magnusson.
You are Viking.
And you are ready to fight for her.
Wait here.
They have many scouts.
What's that noise?
It's the Wild Hunt.
What's the Wild Hunt?
It's a night of frenzy
where the horned god
materializes in the
form of a man-beast
and leads a group of huntsmen
in a mad pursuit
across the countryside,
hunting, revelling,
killing everything in their path.
Only a few centuries ago,
man used to fear the
woods and its creatures.
We, the people of the Earth,
must relearn to revere the forest,
to be one with the land!
To free the beast within!
And for that, we must sacrifice!
Tonight, Murtagh
will summon the beast
with the blood of a pure maiden,
Lady Evlynia.
The Hunt will race into the village
and send fear and despair
into the hearts of the warriors.
It'll take 2 extra
hits to kill them.
It's a huge bonus.
How do we stop it?
The Wild Hunt cannot be stopped.
Get the fuck away from me!
You!
You who had no hope.
You who are lost.
Do you wanna live?
Do you wanna be free?
Can you?
Then you must die and be reborn!
Reborn!
LYN!
Be still, my brother.
I knew you could handle it.
The beast is reborn!
Princess!
Princess...
She's dead.
She belongs to the beast.
We can't rescue her.
No, no.
We Magnussons will bring
her back from the dead.
All right?
You create a diversion.
I'll do the rest.
What diversion?
Just be yourself.
- Follow me.
- Yes!
Oliver?
Oliver, come in.
Where are you? It's happening!
Let the Wild Hunt begin!
Murtagh!
Hey!
One hit, no armour. You're dead!
I've got your Wild
Hunt right here, Murtagh!
And it feels good! It feels good!
You're officially a prisoner
of the Vikings.
The referees know about all this.
What the fuck are you wearing?
What? I can't hear you.
Right there.
Stupid thing.
What the fuck are you wearing?
Yar! I'm a Viking!
Studded leather?
I thought it looked pretty good.
Well, it's all right.
Kind of badass.
It's kind of badass.
It's kind of not.
Oh, fuck this!
Come on, let's get out of here.
Ow!
Well done!
Well done! You got her!
It was his plan all along,
Princess.
Maybe you should come
home after this weekend.
Why? Does Father ask about me?
Uh...
What?
I don't know. That's all he says.
Oh...
Come, it is not safe.
They will send their
demon dogs after us.
Demons?
Come on.
He sucker-punched me, all right?
It came out of nowhere.
So what?
How was it?
I fucking missed it!
I fucking missed it!
The elves, the elves...
You knew about this?
What about the rules?
No attacks in camps,
no night skirmishes.
"What about the rules?"
What--what the fuck, man?
Come on!
What?
What is this? Is it about her?
She's a slut, man! Let's move on!
Why don't you move on, Greg?
Why don't you move on out of here?
Yeah, that's right.
Ah!
Now that the Magnussons
have retrieved
our holy Valkyrie,
will you fight for King Bjorn?
Ah, yes!
The Vikings have made it!
I don't know.
Brace yourselves! Wave!
Oh! Man overboard!
Bjorn, man overboard!
Mind the helm, brother!
Raven!
Fetch the raven, boy!
The storm is too strong!
The symbol of Odin.
When a Viking ship is lost at sea,
only a raven can find land.
Eye of Odin!
Wing of Thor!
I release thee!
Now soar!
Soar, soar!
Good evening.
Fly!
Ah!
Ah! Have you come
to pledge allegiance
to the Magnusson clan
now that we have
retrieved our Valkyrie?
No! Nay!
Uh, the magnanimous
King Argyle is ready
to marry with the Princess Evlynia,
thus uniting with the Vikings
in the coming more with Murtagh.
No!
That is a pile of
medieval bullshit!
No one will touch Princess Evlynia!
The Magnussons are
subjects to no one!
No one!
And you! You, Cpt. Bernard!
Once, you swore
allegiance on Mjllnir.
The gods have not forgotten!
Come back to us! Join us!
My men are not traitors.
Do you refuse this allegiance?
Yes, we refuse!
Yes! Yeah!
Very well.
If you wish to be turncoats,
then you shall die as turncoats.
Blow the horn.
Holy shit!
Come, my brother.
I will protect you
and your princess.
Now go!
Your lust will carry
this ship to victory!
What?
Why does my son
have sombre dreams?
Why does my son have sombre dreams?
That's what Odin, in our sagas,
asks of his beloved son.
Thanks.
What say you?
The captured Viking
princess takes off her boots
because her feet are so damn tired
from running around.
Viking princess Viking princess
Look at me I'm a
Viking princess
We will all die glorious deaths!
Come on!
...to the crow's nest!
This is it, Lyn, huh?
This is--this is what makes you
feel like a princess?
Wrestling with foam swords?
Is that how you feel
like a princess?
'Cause I can make you
feel like a princess.
So come here.
We will all have dined
in the best hall of Valhalla!
Come on! Come get it!
Come and get it!
Ah, come on!
The elves! Are they
with us or against us?
Lyn, I will--I will...
God, I will follow you forever.
I--I will dress up
like a fucking Viking
and fight off guys with
rubber swords and beer bellies
to be with you.
Lyn, you gotta stop this
bullshit, all right?
Listen, I can't do this anymore.
Yeah, I know my life is shit
and I've gotta deal
with stuff with my dad.
But if you want me to leave...
for Christ's sake, just say it!
Erik...
We can't--
This is insane!
Oliver!
Oliver, it's out of control!
I think they wanna have
the big battle tonight.
We have decided to ally ourselves
with the courageous King Bjorn!
What? King Bjorn? What the fuck?
No, no, that's not legal!
No, no!
Oh, Argyle!
I, King Bjorn, will lead
the great battle tomorrow!
He's got no guts
He's got no balls
He's got no guts
He's got no balls
He hides behind
his rotten balls
He hides behind
his rotten balls
Because his name
is Lady Argyle
Very good.
Lady Argyle
And his name is Lady Argyle
Murtagh!
It's Murtagh!
Murtagh...
Ambrosia, if you don't
restore me as king,
I won't allegiance with you.
And then you'll get
creamed by Murtagh.
So what are you gonna do?
Ah! Coward!
You're always charging backwards!
Boys! You can both be kings...
of my eastern and western kingdoms,
of my mountains and my valleys.
But for now,
shut the fuck up and
let's rock'n'roll!
Hail Empress Ambrosia!
Hail the allegiance!
Oliver, Argyle and
Bjorn are even allies.
It's insane!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Easy.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Oh shit!
Don't worry about it.
We've got 'em covered.
My brother's out there
with all the Vikings
and the elves now.
We're all good.
Don't worry about it.
No, no, no, no.
Tonight was supposed to be
for parties and ceremonies
for the battle tomorrow.
Tamara authorized
an attack on a camp
which is normally not allowed.
Which you agreed to, Oliver.
Look, look, look.
Why--why don't we
count the sacrifice
and assume that the
Wild Hunt took place
and they can get a plus-2
spell bonus for tomorrow?
Fuck no, man!
He lost her. They rescued her.
No, no bonus.
You allowed it, too bad!
No, the princess stays with us!
Yeah!
Wind-messenger spell!
Wind-messenger spell!
He is intangible, invincible!
No weapons can harm him!
Shaman of the Earth!
Are you kidding me?
What the fuck?
Those are the rules.
He has spells. He is immaterial.
He can pass through.
Those are the rules!
He has weapons!
He can pass through!
What the fuck is that?
He is invincible, intangible!
Be nice, OK?
Oh, come on!
Be nice!
Fuck this!
Wind-messenger spell!
Wind-messenger spell!
Wind-messenger spell!
Wind-messenger spell!
Wind-messenger spell!
Wind-messenger spell!
You shouldn't have
brought him up here.
He is invincible, intangible!
You cannot see him!
Please, leave.
I'm not going anywhere.
Princess, I have a
real situation out there.
I mean, a lot of the guys,
they come up here and this
is the only thing they do.
This is their release,
their escape.
Just like you came up
here to escape, right?
We need you for the game.
We need you for the Wild Hunt.
Are you sure you can't
just run into the woods
and find a little bunny
and rip his head off
and sacrifice him and fuck him?
Or whatever you do to
these people out here.
Um, Lyn, I--I...
I need you to come with me tonight.
We need you.
Please, just for tonight
and then that's--that's all.
That's all. Just--
Hey, hey, no hands! Ref!
You can't touch her.
OK.
You guys wanna fight, huh?
I've got a wind-messenger
spell for you.
Where's your leader?
Oh! Where did he go?
Huh? What the fuck? Come on!
Come on!
Come on, boys.
Just don't ruin it
for the guys. Just...
Come with us tonight.
Why don't one of the
guys start stripping?
Wouldn't that get all
your motors running?
In your fur and your pelts.
What are you laughing at?
See him with his beer gut out.
Hey, Lyn,
what are you laughing at?
You wanna go back to this,
huh? Living like this?
With him? In a one and a half?
Would you rather go back
with skull face? Oh yeah!
In your one and a half?
You could do each other's makeup.
It's not funny.
I just need you to
come with me tonight.
No touching! Hey!
- Just please--
- You can't touch her!
Hey!
Do you wanna do something?
Try it! I'll rip your
fucking head off!
Done, time!
I'll rip your fucking head off!
Time's up! Spell's over!
I asked you for one night!
One night, you stupid bitch!
One night!
Spell's over!
Murtagh's astroform
must re-enter his body!
Take a step.
Take one fucking step!
Done! Time's up, time's up!
Spell's over!
Spell's over!
Where's your pappy?
Aw, did he leave you all alone,
you big shitheads?
Come on, fuckers! Fight!
Huh? Fight! Come on!
Fight, fight, fight!
Spell's over!
Spell's over!
Murtagh's astroform was
whisked back to his body!
He's intangible! You don't see him!
Well done, brother!
You angered the shaman!
Now we will have our Ragnark!
Don't touch me.
- What's wrong?
- I don't feel good.
You want some air?
Mm-mmm.
No weapons can harm him!
Spell is almost over.
Fight, fight, fight!
He's intangible!
What?
Oh, come on!
No way!
You've gotta be kidding!
You big bunch of pussies!
I can't believe this shit!
Come on!
Bush leagues!
Let's go out and get some air.
Secret door!
You OK? Watch your head.
Careful.
Come on, let's go.
Maybe Oliver can
change their minds
once they cool down.
Yeah, right!
He seemed pretty pissed
with Princess Evlynia
and Bjorn's brother.
- Uh, yeah!
- Really? You think so?
Where are they?
Did your foul breath
drive Murtagh away again?
Hmm, no.
I think maybe it was your brother
having sex with his girlfriend,
you fucking idiot!
He's fucking gone!
No thanks to you and
your stupid-ass family!
What the fuck?
What the fuck were you thinking?
Well, we'll...
We could give Princess
Evlynia back to him
to satisfy his blood lust.
No, no Bjorn!
We can't give him anything back
to satisfy any fucking lust!
You fucked it up!
All right,
I'll get the princess back.
And the big battle
is upon is, by Thor!
This is not the time to cry!
Bjorn, do you realize
how long it took me
to get up here?
Jesus! And you had to fuck it up!
I'll bring her back!
The big battle is still upon us!
I'll-I'll bring her back.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
I'll bring her back!
I'll get the princess
and bring her back!
Goddamn it!
Keys...
Shit!
This is fucking brilliant.
This is so much fun.
I'm having such a blast right now.
You know that?
My fucking hero comes up here
with his piece-of-shit car
to bring me back to
fucking be a part
of his piece-of-shit life!
You stupid cunt!
It's all your fault!
No fighting in camps,
no going back on past victories--
Would you fucking relax?
She's a fucking ref and
she should know better, OK?
But no, instead,
she sabotages the game
with her bullshit crushes
on those little retards! OK?
Hey, Tamara, if you wanted
to get laid so bad...
He wants to fuck you, Lyn!
Fuck you!
Goddamn it!
God, this is great.
Lyn!
Suck my DICK!
Lyn!
Evelyn, get in the car!
"Evelyn, Evelyn!"
What are you, my fucking dad?
Bjorn and his stupid fat,
ugly little brother
chasing after that bitch. For what?
Because she swore an
oath to Mjllnir, dickhead!
I'm sorry. Who the fuck are you?
I'm a Viking berserker.
And you're a coward!
Erik!
What, did you just drive--
You little shit!
Ah!
Get off! Get off of me!
Erik!
Magnusson! Magnusson!
Lyn! Lyn!
She was already dead
when we rescued her.
They're really gonna hurt her!
She belongs to Murtagh.
Ah!
-...for the battle!
This is Ragnark!
It's over!
The fucking... game... is over!
Ragnark!
God!
Get the fuck off me!
Get the fuck off me!
Fuck off!
You see that? Bernie,
you see that?
Greg-ash got the princess!
Guys, get your stuff.
We're storming the fucking Celts.
From this point forward,
let no man say King
Argyle's a coward!
Lyn!
Murtagh!
Remember what I said.
Murtagh!
The beast is rising!
The princess is back with Murtagh.
The savages will fight.
Lyn!
Seems that we need
to be tested in battle.
Very well.
Ragnark will test us in battle.
You wanted her. Here she is.
Trust me, now...
she'll play.
I didn't wanna anger you.
Put on the mask!
Take the fucking mask!
Here.
Are we good?
Come on, man. Are we OK here?
This doesn't have to end.
This doesn't have to end.
In the name of my name!
Intruders!
Intruders!
I have slain Murtagh!
Ha ha!
Retreat!
Stay the fuck down, Murtagh, man!
I have slain the Celtic god!
Look at me!
Ah! What the fuck?
Fuck!
Take the knife.
Take it! Take it!
What the fuck are you doing?
Bernie! What are you doing?
He must die and be reborn.
He must die and be reborn.
Just like you.
No!
Oh God!
Stop the fucking game!
What happened?
Fucked things! Oh shit!
What's going on?
It's Murtagh! Oh shit!
Oliver? Oliver, where are you?
Hello?
Yeah, hi. Uh,
my name's Erik Magnusson.
We need the police.
What is going on?
No! No!
- Shit!
- Oh my God!
Oliver, what is going on?
Murtagh! Oh yeah!
Yeah! Oh! Remember me?
You're the one!
Whoo!
To arms, to arms!
The big battle is beginning!
The Celts are attacking!
This is gonna get rough!
Cpt. Bernard!
Whoa!
Bjorn, we'll fight together!
Yes! Ragnark!
Get this fucking thing off of me!
The Wild Hunt.
Oh!
Bjorn! What happened?
Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ah!
What happened? What's going on?
If I were you,
I'd get out of here.
To the fort!
Everyone to Argyle's
fort right now!
Lyn! Lyn!
Lyn!
Erik?
Get off her!
Fucker!
Come on, let's get out of here!
To the fort!
Come on, everybody!
Lyn is still out there!
They're taking it for real!
Close the doors!
We need help.
Get some wood or something.
Fuck! No!
Shit!
Erik!
What are you-- Tamara, no!
Fuck!
Tamara!
Let me go!
Are you guys really
just gonna stand there?
You're not warriors!
You're a bunch of cowards!
Bjorn!
"The fiery blood of the Magnusson!"
Where the fuck is your blood?
Come on!
You're a fucking pussy!
You're just gonna leave your
little brother out there?
Ah! Get out of the way!
Get out of the way!
Ah! Ow!
Ow! No, stop!
No!
Lyn!
Lyn!
Hey.
Shit!
Shit! Come on.
Oh fuck! Oh fuck!
Oh!
Shit!
Stop him, please!
What are you doing?
Stop him! Stop him!
Stop! Stop!
Oh!
Make him stop!
What are you doing? Make him stop!
Make him stop!
Please!
Erik!
Greg!
That's enough!
No!
Murtagh!
Erik!
Get away from him.
Erik!
Get an ambulance!
Just get an ambulance!
Murtagh!
Murtagh!
Murtagh!
Ah!
Erik...
Lyn!
His love freed the princess
from the grasp of the
deceitful shaman,
earning Erik a place in Valhalla...
where he now resides with her,
locked in eternal bliss.
As for the deceitful one...
Though he escaped,
fooling men with his lies...
he could not fool almighty Thor.
And as for our clan...
they keep watch, ready to fight.
Because it is written.
Ragnark is coming.
To this day, armies mass,
they--they gather in strength,
waiting, waiting...
for that final battle.
But I, Bjorn Magnusson,
have not earned the right
to share in their glory.
I will not destroy the One Ring.
I will not wield Excalibur.
And I will not save the world.
I will not fight...
alongside the mighty
Thor at Ragnark.
Ah!
Ah!
But we will teach them sacrifice!
By Thor!
And we'll drink the blood.
The beast will rise!
And we will destroy the conquerors!
Magnusson!
Magnusson!
King Argyle...
Murtagh captured Princess Evlynia.
They will bleed her to the beast.
It's a trap.
We'll be slaughtered
if we try anything.
She is lost.
Lost? She is our Valkyrie.
Her doom will spell our doom!
She's not worth risking
my lands and my armies.
So we retreat.
You are a coward
worshipping a coward God!
You are unfit to be king.
Perhaps, even unfit to be alive.
Northmen scum!
I am the new king!
Wait!
Come on.
Whoa, whoa! The fight's
fucking over, OK?
I hit you, like, 10 times.
What are you talking about?
You hit me once! - Game over!
You're fucking dead, OK?
I've got a magical
cloak of protection.
It's like armour! - You're dead!
My magical sword killed you. Ref!
Just give me back the
fucking crown, OK?
Murtagh has way too many points
for us to do anything
stupid like charging, right?
We'll fight him next weekend
when we rally more guilds, OK?
Let's be honest.
Your precious little princess,
she let herself get kidnapped.
You're just a coward!
He's a coward, just a coward!
OK, guys, come on!
Stay in character.
It was a draw. Duel again.
Oh, I'm not duelling again!
I won! - Let's go!
Like, 50 people saw me.
Look, ask--ask that guy!
I won.
Ow!
Victorious!
All right!
Four kegs, Argyle's fort,
beer's on me!
Come on!
Shut up! Dead people don't talk.
Stay down for one more
minute till you're resurrected.
You can just rebuild your
clan with real warriors.
Men of courage! Like you.
Bjorn...
I want to be your Viking.
Let's be kings!
You're leaving again?
Yeah, just for a few days.
I think I found a job.
Really?
Mm-hmm!
That's great.
How is it related to my
brother's stupid game?
He only took me up there,
like, a couple of times,
just for fun.
How long are you going for?
I don't know. I...
I kind of have...
It's making me a little crazy here.
Look, can we talk
about this later
when I'm back from work?
No.
Yeah.
I just need to...
get some air.
And you will call me?
Mm-hmm.
Here's my ride.
Viking maiden's in there next.
"Viking maiden's in there next."
Bye.
Who's the guy?
A friend.
Make him stop.
What are you doing? Make him stop!
Thor almighty, god of thunder,
it is Ragnark,
the end of our world.
I have not turned my back on you.
Give me the strength
to win this battle.
I implore you!
Give me a sign!
Show me the way!
Yes.
I hear you.
Mjllnir, hammer of thunder!
I hear you, Mjllnir!
Mjllnir!
I await you!
Thor!
I bathe in your storm!
I, Bjorn Magnusson,
your chosen one!
Lyn?
Erik, I need to
reave your hard body,
you bad, bad boy.
Too bad you're not hung
like that black dragon
brother of yours.
Rest your libidinous heart,
brother. It is I.
And the maiden will be
back in your arms soon.
Where is Lyn now, Bjorn?
Bjorn?
And I had a vision.
I need Mjllnir.
Bjorn?
Do you have it?
What?
Mjllnir, hammer of Thor!
Forged in ancient--
Erik?
Erik?
Murtagh!
I will crush your skull!
Ah!
Make him stop!
What are you doing? Make him stop!
Stop him, please!
Dad, go to sleep!
Bjorn?
Nay, sir, it is I!
Bernie.
And I come on a quest
for your son, Bjorn,
who seeks his hammer,
Mjllnir, slayer of giants.
Oh! It's real!
The bill was real, too.
Hey!
Your brother wants me
to pick up his hammer.
All right.
Knock yourself out.
Oh!
Mjllnir! Ah!
Hammer of the gods,
forged in Valhalla!
I am not worthy.
Come on!
I remember you used to enjoy
watching us play D&D
all night until--
Yeah, until I realized that
the big kids were all losers.
Well, at least
we're the fun losers.
Um, Evelyn, when she's up there,
where does she sleep?
Uh, I don't know.
You know, now that Murtagh's
captured her, you know,
these savages they all
sleep in one big tent.
I know some girls,
they role-play medieval prostitutes
and they have sex with men
who pay them in fake coins.
Listen, it's only gonna get worse.
As we say in accounting:
ravage, plunder, prima nocta!
You know, I knew a guy
who once had 2 at once.
Take what you want!
English, Dad.
English.
Thus come the Celts
with full power upon us.
Therefore, you three go
forth with swift dispatch
to line and new repair our
northern and eastern flanks.
Meanwhile, I will work
to gain the allegiance
of the elves.
Did you guys get it, huh?
It's pretty good, right?
Shit, yeah!
Mjllnir...
hammer of Thor.
Behold! The hammer of thunder!
Mjllnir!
Mjllnir!
The serpent that circles the Earth
writhes in fury.
With every breath,
he stains the soil and
the sky with his poison.
The fire giants are
marching against us,
carrying swords that blaze
like the sun itself.
They scorch the Earth as they pass.
But I, Bjorn Magnusson,
will lead you heroes
into Ragnark...
the final battle.
I don't wanna be
a knight anymore.
OK. Do you wanna play an elf?
We still need more elves.
Nope, elves are gay.
I'm just more the stoic,
fighter type.
You know, swords...
Hello.
You can't park here.
This is for emergencies only.
You're blocking the entrance.
But you can go to Lot 4.
Yeah, no, I'm not staying.
I came to see someone.
OK, but you're not in decorum.
Decorum?
Who are you looking for?
Uh, Lyn. I'm looking for Lyn.
No, there's nobody
here named Lyn.
No, we'd have seen her register.
Unless, you mean her
most immaculate Valkyrie
of the Viking folk...
Princess Evlynia of the Icewind.
Wait! Whoa! Costume!
Decorum!
Decorum, decorum!
You know, some guys
plan a year in advance
for this event.
They don't want someone
bursting their bubble
with modern stuff.
Yeah, man,
don't mess with decorum.
What's your name?
Erik Magnusson.
Magnusson?
Like Bjorn Magnusson the Berserker?
Like Bjorn Magnusson,
scourge of the high seas?
Yeah, I didn't come here
to see him, all right?
I came here to talk
to my girlfriend.
Wait a minute.
Is Princess Evlynia your
girlfriend? Oh, dude!
And you're her boyfriend?
Does she know you're coming?
I really have to wear this shit?
No.
You can leave if you want to.
Swords, good.
All right, this is soft.
Ready to go.
Spear is ready to be thrown.
This is dangerous.
Tip is missing. This is dangerous.
Somebody could get hurt.
Much tears, much pain,
far from hospital.
Rule number one.
Understood?
Fuck off!
So are we next for
throw ball, cabrn?
He lost the elfin alliance.
So unless Thor
personally comes down
and kicks ass tomorrow,
the Celts will win.
Sir Bernie! Leave the coward king!
Come back to us!
Seor Bernie!
Join us!
Seor Bernardo!
Leave the coward king! Join us!
Join us, Seor Bernardo!
Join us!
Come on, Seor Bernardo!
Seor Bernie!
By Thor...
a sign.
Yah!
This is a glorious day!
The Magnusson clan united!
Meet my little Viking brother.
Bjorn, I'm not here to
bother you, all right?
I know you're busy.
Come, let us drink. Erik, huh?
I don't want a drink.
Oh, no, no. How is our father?
Clan patriarch Magnus, huh?
He's the same as he was
when you came home 2
months ago, you know?
It was fine when you bailed on us.
He's great. He's up
every night puking.
Well, there was no
room left at your place.
So out of respect for our elders,
I gave my place to Magnus.
Where's Lyn, all right?
I know you brought her up here.
And I know you took
her under your wing.
So where is she?
Yes, yes, that's just it.
She was kidnapped by Murtagh.
And now since Argyle will
not rescue her, the--
Shut up, Bjorn!
Shut up!
I don't give a shit!
How many times did you
bring her up here?
You brought her up here
and you fucked shit up!
Forget about all that.
Please, Erik, this is a
time for peace, brother.
You wanna make peace with me?
You come back into the city
and you clean up Dad's shit!
All right? If not,
then get the fuck out of my face!
Fucking take this shit off!
You look like an idiot!
He has the fiery spirit
of the Magnusson, huh?
It's OK.
By the way, this is David.
He wants to be a
fierce Viking captain!
He used to be with Argyle,
but got tired of being
the knights' butt monkey.
It's not exactly like that, uh...
I'm not--I'm not a butt monkey, OK?
Come, looks like
you need a drink.
You're one weird
transvestite, cabrn.
We're now entering the lands
of the dreaded shaman, Murtagh.
Murtagh?
Yeah, Murtagh.
Well, this has been around
for thousands of years.
The oldest symbol known to man.
The horned one.
Who's gonna wear it? You?
The hunt master.
Someone with the fury,
with the beast inside of them.
Someone who is truly free.
Or someone with a great ass.
I have a great ass.
Intruders!
Oh!
Intruders! Halt!
Intruders, intruders!
Hey!
Intruders!
You get me every time!
OK, OK!
Referee, referee! False alarm!
False alarm!
What the fuck is happening?
I seek audience with the
dreaded shaman, Murtagh!
Shit!
Lyn, wait! Lyn!
I just wanna talk to her.
She's our prisoner.
Lyn!
Lyn...
Lyn, look, you're in a
costume surrounded by--
Stop it!
Hey, 5 times, cocksucker!
Fall down, you're dead!
I'm not fucking
playing this game!
Lyn...
I'm not playing the fucking game!
Lyn...
Ah, ah, ah, ah! Ha!
Lyn, you're in a
costume with guys in fur.
Seriously! Come on, Lyn.
This is the better life you wanted?
Huh? Is this...
Is this how you're
gonna get more air?
Lyn, please, just listen.
Let him speak, Greg.
Let's see if this peasant
has the eloquence
to woo the princess.
Lyn, look,
if you wanna come
up here on weekends,
I can't say anything to that,
all right?
But what you said about
feeling trapped--
Role-play in character,
cocksucker!
OK, Lyn, things are really
messed up at home right now.
But I will work it out.
You just need to be patient.
Oh, be patient! Be patient!
The lad wants us to be patient!
Lyn, look at this.
Lyn, it doesn't have to end,
all right?
It doesn't. It doesn't have to end.
"It doesn't have to end.
It doesn't have to end!"
Do we have anything
to put in his end?
Is there any carrots around?
Perhaps a cucumber?
How about my fist!
Go run, crybaby!
Go cry! Oh, poor boy!
Murtagh is no longer
accepting audience.
We don't lie to him here.
Yeah!
Vamoose! Valhalla!
Oh!
Yes, yes!
Come on!
Whoo!
Bjorn!
You see? Not so easy, is it?
Talking to a Viking princess.
Yeah, some women when
they come up here,
need to be spoken
to like queens, huh?
My fair lady,
the burdens you carry in
ruling these realms are many,
but few have the privilege
of seeing the fair flower beneath.
Then they wanna be
ravaged like beasts!
They want to be ordered!
"Undress before your Viking lord."
Shut up, Bjorn.
Erik...
My brother...
Because my little brother
had the guts to come up here...
I will help him on his love quest.
I don't need your help.
But I know a way...
how you could get to your princess.
Alone.
Away from the shaman,
away from the savages.
Because these are my lands.
How?
With the mighty hammer, Thor,
having attracted Erik Magnusson,
his questing brother,
Bjorn Magnusson embarks
on a perilous mission
to free the Viking princess,
Evlynia,
from hell itself for the
love of his brother.
Murtagh, we're coming.
To Mexico!
Your forests are not dark enough.
They're not thick enough.
How's that?
Will he die a horrible death?
Or will he succeed
and rekindle the might
of the Viking clan
and upsetting the power balance
in our war-torn world?
That's it, yes!
God, yes!
Yes!
Sorry, wait.
I can't do it tonight.
I've got the wrestling
and the fire breathing.
I just can't do it tonight.
Mexican Vikings, unreliable.
I don't know.
You settled last week.
Murtagh might be pissed.
Come on, Oliver.
Tomorrow's the big battle.
After that, it's over.
It should end with a bang.
Don't be a gnome.
OK, stay with the Vikings.
I'll go rev Murtagh.
Copy. Yes!
Yes! Awesome!
I am Bjorn Magnusson,
son of Magnus Gunnarsson,
son of Gunnar Olafsson.
And I swear upon Mjllnir,
hammer of Thor,
to give my strength,
to give my blood,
to free the princess.
Where one of us fights,
we all fight.
When one of us dies...
we all die.
Speak the words.
Uh, my name is David Connelly.
I don't really know
who my father is.
But I swear to fight
and to lend my
strength and my blood
to be a Viking.
I, uh, bruise easily,
but I promise to try and
work through that...
Good.
-...during a battle.
You've done well.
You too, do this.
What?
You've helped the
Magnussons thus far.
OK.
I, Tamara Pavetta,
swear to help this man,
Erik Magnusson, on his love quest.
Hmm!
Erik Magnusson, speak the oath.
We're not--we're not
even Vikings, all right?
We were born in Canada, all right?
The oath is bullshit. This is...
This is completely stupid.
Hmm...
So, you will leave?
You will run knowing full well
that your woman is
being ravaged all night
in a shaman's hut?
Come on!
Come on, I was with him for,
like, a few months.
I lived with him. It's over now.
Things got fucked up.
I told him to forget about me.
It's over.
Are you sure?
I thought this was about
being free and stuff.
If it's not fun,
I'm gonna take this
fucking catsuit off
and I'm gonna go.
If it's not fun, I'm leaving!
Is that OK with you?
Decorum.
What?
When you speak to me,
you speak in character.
Fuck this! Fuck this!
Fuck!
Come on, let's fuck this bitch!
Get the fuck off of me!
Get the fuck off of me!
Fuck! You fucking psycho!
You fucking psycho!
Jesus Christ!
I am Erik Magnusson,
son of Magnus Gunnarsson,
son of Gunnar Olafsson,
Viking warrior from Iceland!
I am Erik Magnusson,
son of, uh, Magnus Gunnarsson,
son of Gunnar Olafsson,
Viking warrior from Iceland.
No, no, no!
You must be proud of
your name, brother!
I am Erik Magnusson,
son of Magnus Gunnarsson,
son of Gunnar Olafsson,
Viking warrior.
I have forgotten the sagas
and have renounced my bloodline!
- I have forgotten the saga-
- Come on! Really?
Louder! I have
forgotten the sagas.
I have lost my warrior pride.
I have forgotten the sagas
and I have lost my warrior pride.
I have lost my warrior pride.
And because of that,
I have lost my woman!
She has left me for another.
I have lost my warrior pride.
And because of that,
I have lost my woman to another.
Louder.
I have lost my warrior pride.
And because of that--
Louder, brother!
The gods must hear you!
I've lost my pride!
And because of that, Lyn dumped me!
Yes.
Good, my brother!
Now rise, Erik Magnusson.
You are Viking.
And you are ready to fight for her.
Wait here.
They have many scouts.
What's that noise?
It's the Wild Hunt.
What's the Wild Hunt?
It's a night of frenzy
where the horned god
materializes in the
form of a man-beast
and leads a group of huntsmen
in a mad pursuit
across the countryside,
hunting, revelling,
killing everything in their path.
Only a few centuries ago,
man used to fear the
woods and its creatures.
We, the people of the Earth,
must relearn to revere the forest,
to be one with the land!
To free the beast within!
And for that, we must sacrifice!
Tonight, Murtagh
will summon the beast
with the blood of a pure maiden,
Lady Evlynia.
The Hunt will race into the village
and send fear and despair
into the hearts of the warriors.
It'll take 2 extra
hits to kill them.
It's a huge bonus.
How do we stop it?
The Wild Hunt cannot be stopped.
Get the fuck away from me!
You!
You who had no hope.
You who are lost.
Do you wanna live?
Do you wanna be free?
Can you?
Then you must die and be reborn!
Reborn!
LYN!
Be still, my brother.
I knew you could handle it.
The beast is reborn!
Princess!
Princess...
She's dead.
She belongs to the beast.
We can't rescue her.
No, no.
We Magnussons will bring
her back from the dead.
All right?
You create a diversion.
I'll do the rest.
What diversion?
Just be yourself.
- Follow me.
- Yes!
Oliver?
Oliver, come in.
Where are you? It's happening!
Let the Wild Hunt begin!
Murtagh!
Hey!
One hit, no armour. You're dead!
I've got your Wild
Hunt right here, Murtagh!
And it feels good! It feels good!
You're officially a prisoner
of the Vikings.
The referees know about all this.
What the fuck are you wearing?
What? I can't hear you.
Right there.
Stupid thing.
What the fuck are you wearing?
Yar! I'm a Viking!
Studded leather?
I thought it looked pretty good.
Well, it's all right.
Kind of badass.
It's kind of badass.
It's kind of not.
Oh, fuck this!
Come on, let's get out of here.
Ow!
Well done!
Well done! You got her!
It was his plan all along,
Princess.
Maybe you should come
home after this weekend.
Why? Does Father ask about me?
Uh...
What?
I don't know. That's all he says.
Oh...
Come, it is not safe.
They will send their
demon dogs after us.
Demons?
Come on.
He sucker-punched me, all right?
It came out of nowhere.
So what?
How was it?
I fucking missed it!
I fucking missed it!
The elves, the elves...
You knew about this?
What about the rules?
No attacks in camps,
no night skirmishes.
"What about the rules?"
What--what the fuck, man?
Come on!
What?
What is this? Is it about her?
She's a slut, man! Let's move on!
Why don't you move on, Greg?
Why don't you move on out of here?
Yeah, that's right.
Ah!
Now that the Magnussons
have retrieved
our holy Valkyrie,
will you fight for King Bjorn?
Ah, yes!
The Vikings have made it!
I don't know.
Brace yourselves! Wave!
Oh! Man overboard!
Bjorn, man overboard!
Mind the helm, brother!
Raven!
Fetch the raven, boy!
The storm is too strong!
The symbol of Odin.
When a Viking ship is lost at sea,
only a raven can find land.
Eye of Odin!
Wing of Thor!
I release thee!
Now soar!
Soar, soar!
Good evening.
Fly!
Ah!
Ah! Have you come
to pledge allegiance
to the Magnusson clan
now that we have
retrieved our Valkyrie?
No! Nay!
Uh, the magnanimous
King Argyle is ready
to marry with the Princess Evlynia,
thus uniting with the Vikings
in the coming more with Murtagh.
No!
That is a pile of
medieval bullshit!
No one will touch Princess Evlynia!
The Magnussons are
subjects to no one!
No one!
And you! You, Cpt. Bernard!
Once, you swore
allegiance on Mjllnir.
The gods have not forgotten!
Come back to us! Join us!
My men are not traitors.
Do you refuse this allegiance?
Yes, we refuse!
Yes! Yeah!
Very well.
If you wish to be turncoats,
then you shall die as turncoats.
Blow the horn.
Holy shit!
Come, my brother.
I will protect you
and your princess.
Now go!
Your lust will carry
this ship to victory!
What?
Why does my son
have sombre dreams?
Why does my son have sombre dreams?
That's what Odin, in our sagas,
asks of his beloved son.
Thanks.
What say you?
The captured Viking
princess takes off her boots
because her feet are so damn tired
from running around.
Viking princess Viking princess
Look at me I'm a
Viking princess
We will all die glorious deaths!
Come on!
...to the crow's nest!
This is it, Lyn, huh?
This is--this is what makes you
feel like a princess?
Wrestling with foam swords?
Is that how you feel
like a princess?
'Cause I can make you
feel like a princess.
So come here.
We will all have dined
in the best hall of Valhalla!
Come on! Come get it!
Come and get it!
Ah, come on!
The elves! Are they
with us or against us?
Lyn, I will--I will...
God, I will follow you forever.
I--I will dress up
like a fucking Viking
and fight off guys with
rubber swords and beer bellies
to be with you.
Lyn, you gotta stop this
bullshit, all right?
Listen, I can't do this anymore.
Yeah, I know my life is shit
and I've gotta deal
with stuff with my dad.
But if you want me to leave...
for Christ's sake, just say it!
Erik...
We can't--
This is insane!
Oliver!
Oliver, it's out of control!
I think they wanna have
the big battle tonight.
We have decided to ally ourselves
with the courageous King Bjorn!
What? King Bjorn? What the fuck?
No, no, that's not legal!
No, no!
Oh, Argyle!
I, King Bjorn, will lead
the great battle tomorrow!
He's got no guts
He's got no balls
He's got no guts
He's got no balls
He hides behind
his rotten balls
He hides behind
his rotten balls
Because his name
is Lady Argyle
Very good.
Lady Argyle
And his name is Lady Argyle
Murtagh!
It's Murtagh!
Murtagh...
Ambrosia, if you don't
restore me as king,
I won't allegiance with you.
And then you'll get
creamed by Murtagh.
So what are you gonna do?
Ah! Coward!
You're always charging backwards!
Boys! You can both be kings...
of my eastern and western kingdoms,
of my mountains and my valleys.
But for now,
shut the fuck up and
let's rock'n'roll!
Hail Empress Ambrosia!
Hail the allegiance!
Oliver, Argyle and
Bjorn are even allies.
It's insane!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Easy.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Oh shit!
Don't worry about it.
We've got 'em covered.
My brother's out there
with all the Vikings
and the elves now.
We're all good.
Don't worry about it.
No, no, no, no.
Tonight was supposed to be
for parties and ceremonies
for the battle tomorrow.
Tamara authorized
an attack on a camp
which is normally not allowed.
Which you agreed to, Oliver.
Look, look, look.
Why--why don't we
count the sacrifice
and assume that the
Wild Hunt took place
and they can get a plus-2
spell bonus for tomorrow?
Fuck no, man!
He lost her. They rescued her.
No, no bonus.
You allowed it, too bad!
No, the princess stays with us!
Yeah!
Wind-messenger spell!
Wind-messenger spell!
He is intangible, invincible!
No weapons can harm him!
Shaman of the Earth!
Are you kidding me?
What the fuck?
Those are the rules.
He has spells. He is immaterial.
He can pass through.
Those are the rules!
He has weapons!
He can pass through!
What the fuck is that?
He is invincible, intangible!
Be nice, OK?
Oh, come on!
Be nice!
Fuck this!
Wind-messenger spell!
Wind-messenger spell!
Wind-messenger spell!
Wind-messenger spell!
Wind-messenger spell!
Wind-messenger spell!
You shouldn't have
brought him up here.
He is invincible, intangible!
You cannot see him!
Please, leave.
I'm not going anywhere.
Princess, I have a
real situation out there.
I mean, a lot of the guys,
they come up here and this
is the only thing they do.
This is their release,
their escape.
Just like you came up
here to escape, right?
We need you for the game.
We need you for the Wild Hunt.
Are you sure you can't
just run into the woods
and find a little bunny
and rip his head off
and sacrifice him and fuck him?
Or whatever you do to
these people out here.
Um, Lyn, I--I...
I need you to come with me tonight.
We need you.
Please, just for tonight
and then that's--that's all.
That's all. Just--
Hey, hey, no hands! Ref!
You can't touch her.
OK.
You guys wanna fight, huh?
I've got a wind-messenger
spell for you.
Where's your leader?
Oh! Where did he go?
Huh? What the fuck? Come on!
Come on!
Come on, boys.
Just don't ruin it
for the guys. Just...
Come with us tonight.
Why don't one of the
guys start stripping?
Wouldn't that get all
your motors running?
In your fur and your pelts.
What are you laughing at?
See him with his beer gut out.
Hey, Lyn,
what are you laughing at?
You wanna go back to this,
huh? Living like this?
With him? In a one and a half?
Would you rather go back
with skull face? Oh yeah!
In your one and a half?
You could do each other's makeup.
It's not funny.
I just need you to
come with me tonight.
No touching! Hey!
- Just please--
- You can't touch her!
Hey!
Do you wanna do something?
Try it! I'll rip your
fucking head off!
Done, time!
I'll rip your fucking head off!
Time's up! Spell's over!
I asked you for one night!
One night, you stupid bitch!
One night!
Spell's over!
Murtagh's astroform
must re-enter his body!
Take a step.
Take one fucking step!
Done! Time's up, time's up!
Spell's over!
Spell's over!
Where's your pappy?
Aw, did he leave you all alone,
you big shitheads?
Come on, fuckers! Fight!
Huh? Fight! Come on!
Fight, fight, fight!
Spell's over!
Spell's over!
Murtagh's astroform was
whisked back to his body!
He's intangible! You don't see him!
Well done, brother!
You angered the shaman!
Now we will have our Ragnark!
Don't touch me.
- What's wrong?
- I don't feel good.
You want some air?
Mm-mmm.
No weapons can harm him!
Spell is almost over.
Fight, fight, fight!
He's intangible!
What?
Oh, come on!
No way!
You've gotta be kidding!
You big bunch of pussies!
I can't believe this shit!
Come on!
Bush leagues!
Let's go out and get some air.
Secret door!
You OK? Watch your head.
Careful.
Come on, let's go.
Maybe Oliver can
change their minds
once they cool down.
Yeah, right!
He seemed pretty pissed
with Princess Evlynia
and Bjorn's brother.
- Uh, yeah!
- Really? You think so?
Where are they?
Did your foul breath
drive Murtagh away again?
Hmm, no.
I think maybe it was your brother
having sex with his girlfriend,
you fucking idiot!
He's fucking gone!
No thanks to you and
your stupid-ass family!
What the fuck?
What the fuck were you thinking?
Well, we'll...
We could give Princess
Evlynia back to him
to satisfy his blood lust.
No, no Bjorn!
We can't give him anything back
to satisfy any fucking lust!
You fucked it up!
All right,
I'll get the princess back.
And the big battle
is upon is, by Thor!
This is not the time to cry!
Bjorn, do you realize
how long it took me
to get up here?
Jesus! And you had to fuck it up!
I'll bring her back!
The big battle is still upon us!
I'll-I'll bring her back.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
I'll bring her back!
I'll get the princess
and bring her back!
Goddamn it!
Keys...
Shit!
This is fucking brilliant.
This is so much fun.
I'm having such a blast right now.
You know that?
My fucking hero comes up here
with his piece-of-shit car
to bring me back to
fucking be a part
of his piece-of-shit life!
You stupid cunt!
It's all your fault!
No fighting in camps,
no going back on past victories--
Would you fucking relax?
She's a fucking ref and
she should know better, OK?
But no, instead,
she sabotages the game
with her bullshit crushes
on those little retards! OK?
Hey, Tamara, if you wanted
to get laid so bad...
He wants to fuck you, Lyn!
Fuck you!
Goddamn it!
God, this is great.
Lyn!
Suck my DICK!
Lyn!
Evelyn, get in the car!
"Evelyn, Evelyn!"
What are you, my fucking dad?
Bjorn and his stupid fat,
ugly little brother
chasing after that bitch. For what?
Because she swore an
oath to Mjllnir, dickhead!
I'm sorry. Who the fuck are you?
I'm a Viking berserker.
And you're a coward!
Erik!
What, did you just drive--
You little shit!
Ah!
Get off! Get off of me!
Erik!
Magnusson! Magnusson!
Lyn! Lyn!
She was already dead
when we rescued her.
They're really gonna hurt her!
She belongs to Murtagh.
Ah!
-...for the battle!
This is Ragnark!
It's over!
The fucking... game... is over!
Ragnark!
God!
Get the fuck off me!
Get the fuck off me!
Fuck off!
You see that? Bernie,
you see that?
Greg-ash got the princess!
Guys, get your stuff.
We're storming the fucking Celts.
From this point forward,
let no man say King
Argyle's a coward!
Lyn!
Murtagh!
Remember what I said.
Murtagh!
The beast is rising!
The princess is back with Murtagh.
The savages will fight.
Lyn!
Seems that we need
to be tested in battle.
Very well.
Ragnark will test us in battle.
You wanted her. Here she is.
Trust me, now...
she'll play.
I didn't wanna anger you.
Put on the mask!
Take the fucking mask!
Here.
Are we good?
Come on, man. Are we OK here?
This doesn't have to end.
This doesn't have to end.
In the name of my name!
Intruders!
Intruders!
I have slain Murtagh!
Ha ha!
Retreat!
Stay the fuck down, Murtagh, man!
I have slain the Celtic god!
Look at me!
Ah! What the fuck?
Fuck!
Take the knife.
Take it! Take it!
What the fuck are you doing?
Bernie! What are you doing?
He must die and be reborn.
He must die and be reborn.
Just like you.
No!
Oh God!
Stop the fucking game!
What happened?
Fucked things! Oh shit!
What's going on?
It's Murtagh! Oh shit!
Oliver? Oliver, where are you?
Hello?
Yeah, hi. Uh,
my name's Erik Magnusson.
We need the police.
What is going on?
No! No!
- Shit!
- Oh my God!
Oliver, what is going on?
Murtagh! Oh yeah!
Yeah! Oh! Remember me?
You're the one!
Whoo!
To arms, to arms!
The big battle is beginning!
The Celts are attacking!
This is gonna get rough!
Cpt. Bernard!
Whoa!
Bjorn, we'll fight together!
Yes! Ragnark!
Get this fucking thing off of me!
The Wild Hunt.
Oh!
Bjorn! What happened?
Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ah!
What happened? What's going on?
If I were you,
I'd get out of here.
To the fort!
Everyone to Argyle's
fort right now!
Lyn! Lyn!
Lyn!
Erik?
Get off her!
Fucker!
Come on, let's get out of here!
To the fort!
Come on, everybody!
Lyn is still out there!
They're taking it for real!
Close the doors!
We need help.
Get some wood or something.
Fuck! No!
Shit!
Erik!
What are you-- Tamara, no!
Fuck!
Tamara!
Let me go!
Are you guys really
just gonna stand there?
You're not warriors!
You're a bunch of cowards!
Bjorn!
"The fiery blood of the Magnusson!"
Where the fuck is your blood?
Come on!
You're a fucking pussy!
You're just gonna leave your
little brother out there?
Ah! Get out of the way!
Get out of the way!
Ah! Ow!
Ow! No, stop!
No!
Lyn!
Lyn!
Hey.
Shit!
Shit! Come on.
Oh fuck! Oh fuck!
Oh!
Shit!
Stop him, please!
What are you doing?
Stop him! Stop him!
Stop! Stop!
Oh!
Make him stop!
What are you doing? Make him stop!
Make him stop!
Please!
Erik!
Greg!
That's enough!
No!
Murtagh!
Erik!
Get away from him.
Erik!
Get an ambulance!
Just get an ambulance!
Murtagh!
Murtagh!
Murtagh!
Ah!
Erik...
Lyn!
His love freed the princess
from the grasp of the
deceitful shaman,
earning Erik a place in Valhalla...
where he now resides with her,
locked in eternal bliss.
As for the deceitful one...
Though he escaped,
fooling men with his lies...
he could not fool almighty Thor.
And as for our clan...
they keep watch, ready to fight.
Because it is written.
Ragnark is coming.
To this day, armies mass,
they--they gather in strength,
waiting, waiting...
for that final battle.
But I, Bjorn Magnusson,
have not earned the right
to share in their glory.
I will not destroy the One Ring.
I will not wield Excalibur.
And I will not save the world.
I will not fight...
alongside the mighty
Thor at Ragnark.
Ah!
Ah!