Wilson (2017) Movie Script
1
WILSON: Remember
when we were kids?
Life was all there
in front of us,
waiting to happen.
(laughing)
You could be an astronaut
or the President,
whatever the hell you wanted.
Every day was an adventure,
and things were only going
to get better.
Then the years pass
and you start to see...
that it's all a big fairy tale.
Total bullshit.
(groans)
I'm no genius,
but I like to think I've figured
a few things out along the way.
For one thing, modern
civilization is a scam.
A sad, pointless charade
built on lies.
You have to have the courage
to go your own way.
Happiness is hard to come by.
Sure as hell
aren't gonna find it
in some stupid gadget.
There you are, tapping
on some little box...
while the real shit is happening
all around you, dumb-ass.
(affectionately)
I hate you so much.
Yes, I do, yeah.
I hate you.
Don't get me wrong,
I've got nothing
but love for
my fellow human beings.
I'm a people person all the way,
one hundred percent.
(GASPS) Look at you.
What a pretty dog!
Look at those ears.
What's your name?
What's your name?
(IN CHILD'S VOICE)
My name is Pepper.
And I'm five years old.
And this morning...
I was a bad, bad girl.
WILSON: People get
really creeped out
when you talk
in the fake dog voice.
I believe that every one of
us has a story to tell...
and we're all part of
the human family.
How tragic we've lost
all sense of community.
A sense of camaraderie
with our friends and neighbors.
You mind if I sit here?
I don't think there's anyone
sitting at those tables.
But she likes the sunny spot.
Don'tcha? Don'tcha
like the sunny spot?
I'm actually right in the
middle of something, so...
Working man, eh?
Good deal.
Wife? Kids?
Hey, asshole!
I'm talking to you.
WILSON: Nobody has actual
conversations anymore.
It's a real shame.
I mean, everybody's got
something valuable to offer
if you just take
the time to listen.
Nope. Sorry.
Saggy-balls motherfucker!
(LAUGHING)
WILSON: And if
you're lucky enough
to find a friend or two
in this world...
well, brother,
you've hit the jackpot.
So...
what did Wilson
think of our news?
I didn't tell him yet.
Oh, God, not another kid!
(LAUGHS) No, no.
It's just we were thinking
we might want to
move somewhere...
where we could actually
afford to buy a house.
Show him the pictures.
Where is this?
St. Louis.
Missouri?
(LAUGHING) Jesus Christ.
St. Louis?
It's actually
a pretty interesting town.
Oh, okay, that flies
in the face of everything
I've ever heard...
about St. Louis
in particular
and Missouri at large!
What the hell
do you know about it?
Look, I get it.
You don't want to have to be
the ones to cart poor old...
Wilson to the hospital
when he conks out.
Get out while the going's good.
Smart move!
Holy shit.
This has nothing to do
with you, Wilson.
Oh, that's nice!
Thanks for thinking of me!
I always knew
that she hated me...
but I always thought that
you were my best friend!
He's your only friend!
Jodie!
No, I'll be fucked if I sit here
and let you give us
a guilt trip about this.
Why don't you
get off your lazy ass
and go find some
new fucking friends?!
Jesus Christ!
WILSON: Life can be
a difficult business.
We need to be thankful
for everything we have.
Caveman was happy
with the roof over his head...
a day's supply of food,
and a family to
share his burden.
Honey, I'm home!
What's for dinner?
Well, two out of three.
That's not so bad, I guess.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV)
(PHONE RINGING)
(SIGHS)
Of all the times to call!
Hello?
He what?
(DOG BARKING)
Hey-
Honey, you're so beautiful!
Yeah, we're gonna
have so much fun!
So, I don't know
how long I'll be.
It's a family emergency.
I hope it's nothing serious.
Oh, hell, yeah.
It's serious.
Yeah, my old man
has terminal cancer.
I am so sorry.
I lost my brother to lymphoma.
You take as much time
as you need.
And don't worry about anything.
I'll take such good care of her.
Um...
She needs to have
these pills every...
Is this our new little friend?
Who's this crazy kid, man?
Who's this guy?
Diego.
Nice to meet you.
Wait, I thought it was just you.
Diego lives here with me.
He helps out a ton
with the animals.
Okay, yeah. That's just...
How do you know he's not
some crazy dog fucker?
He's not.
No, I'm not.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING ON PA)
(SNORING)
Ooh.
Where you headed, bro?
I'm sorry. What?
Where you going?
I'm going home.
Ah.
I'm going to visit my
dad in the hospital.
Stage-four lung cancer.
Took a bad turn last night.
Fell in the shower.
Sorry, to hear that.
So, um...
(CLEARS THROAT)
What do you do?
What?
I'm sorry, what?
What's your line?
Your job.
J-CD-B?
Um, I do management consulting,
mostly in the I.T. sector.
Oh, no kidding!
Because I do some...
C.N.P.-ing
in the
V. H.C-slash-1 -G-Q-point..
Come on, man.
Nobody actually
understands that bullshit.
I mean I want to know...
what are the actual
activities of your day?
(STAMMERING)
You know,
different things. I, um...
Meetings, uh,
phone calls, reports.
But, you know, I mostly, uh...
primarily focus on manage...
(SNORING)
Listen, brother,
forty years from now
you're gonna be
on your deathbed saying:
"Where did it all go?
"What did I do with
those precious days?
"Some shitwork
for the oligarchs?"
I actually enjoy what I do,
and I've worked my ass
off to get there.
How did we end up like this?!
(HEART MONITOR BEEPING)
WILSON: Okay, so...
this is it, I guess.
When Mom died it just happened,
you know, but...
you have the chance
to leave me with something.
Couldn't you...
see that I needed you
to tell me just one time...
that you loved me?
(SOBS) Or that
you hated me, or...
something.
Something besides the problems
with your goddamn garden.
If you can hear me,
just squeeze my hand.
(VOICE BREAKING) Just...
come on, fucker!
Dad?
Something?
It's too late, isn't it?
(SOBBING)
There it is.
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(LAUGHING)
You have any kids of your own?
Excuse me?
Do...
you...
have any Nios of your own?
Two. But they grown up.
Hell of a job doing what you do.
I can't imagine what it's
like working for some...
asshole whitey fuckers
who can't even be bothered to...
raise their own family.
I got to go.
That's okay.
I got it covered.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm just...
My dad just passed on and...
It's weird, I can't even...
(STAMMERS) I never thought
I'd say "passed on."
He died.
We used to play ball.
Right out there.
If it wasn't for him, I'd
throw like a damn pussy.
He was a good...
man, in general, you know?
(SOBBING)
Who's that?
It's me, Wilson.
I wanted to see
if you still lived here.
Can I come in?
You want some beet juice?
Fuck, no!
(FLY BUZZING)
You seen Meyers lately?
Nah.
Guy's an asshole.
Hmm.
My dad died.
Yeah.
So I'm kind of...
My old man's still alive.
Motherfucker won't die.
(SCOFFS)
He fucking will not die.
93 years old. I'm literally
counting the seconds.
Well, I just...
I don't have any family left.
And I've known you...
since we were, what,
nine years old? Ten?
I don't have a single
person who shares
my same memories, you know?
Lucky you.
(SIGHS)
You know...
people always said that
you were kind of "difficult,"
but I don't know,
I guess that...
Who said that?
Fucking Ted Kuby?
No. No, no.
I think that...
I need to change my life
a little bit. Just...
you know, meet some
new people and...
shake things up a...
Ugh...
Excuse me.
I'm thinking to...
try dating again
a little bit, you know?
Yeah, I gave up on
women a long time ago.
You bust your fucking ass...
and what do you get?
Empty fucking bank account?
Getting bitched at all the time?
It's a fucking fool's errand!
You know, Olsen,
I was thinking that maybe
we could be friends again.
But I guess...
I sort of forgot...
what a toxic soul-draining
vampire you really are.
And by the way, those
grapes have turned.
(HORNS HONKING)
MAN: Pull over, dumb-ass!
It's my dad's car!
WOMAN: Nice driving, asshole!
Everybody's in a hurry.
Hey, could you
hand me that chicken?
Oh, sure. Here.
Hold this.
Okay.
(SQUEAKING)
Okay.
Twelve dollars?
Oh, my God.
Are you fucking serious?
That's twelve dollars?
Oh, I know.
It is a total racket.
They know that pet
owners are all damaged
and neurotic and we will...
happily throw our money
at the most nonsensical
crap just to...
buy a little affection.
Yeah. Yeah, no shit.
No shit.
(CLATTERS)
(SOFTLY) Oh, shit.
(ENGINE STARTING)
What the fuck?
I am so, so, so sorry.
My, uh...
I'm just not used to this car.
It's actually okay.
It's fine.
Well, it looks like
you have maybe a crack
or a crease or a dent.
That was already there.
Why don't we exchange
information?
Just in case...
You know.
It looked like
he did it on purpose.
It's fine, okay?
It's fine. Thank you.
But excuse me!
Before you go, um...
(CHUCKLES) ls there any
chance that we could, uh...
maybe go out sometime?
I felt like we had a spark
or something back there.
Why does every fucking psycho
always pick on me, man?
What the fuck
did I ever do wrong?
Get away from my car.
(ENGINE STARTS)
I'm not a psycho, lady.
What the heck
crawled up her ass?
Yeah, no kidding.
I'd be pretty stoked
if some random guy
tapped my car just to
get into my pants.
MAN: My, my, my,
my, my, my, my, my, my
My angel lover
My, my, my, my, my, my, my
My angel lover
Oh, Christ, I haven't
done this in a long time.
Me, neither. I don't get
asked out on too many dates.
Oh, men can be cruel.
Looks aren't all that
important to me.
Whoa. That's good.
Wow, this place has got
1,748 reviews on Yelp.
And what the hell
does that even mean?
(WILSON LAUGHS)
Yelp.
Aren't you a little old
to be doing all that
computer stuff?
(LAUGHS)
I'm totally addicted.
You know, it just feels
so undignified to me.
I mean, in the end
you're just sitting
all alone staring at a screen.
It's just so sad.
I would be a lot
lonelier without it,
that's for sure.
Have you ever
been married? Kids?
No.
I lived with this guy
for six years once,
but then one day
he just says, "Guess what!"
"I'm a big homo...
"and I find all women
totally disgusting."
Jeez. You know, my wife
left me 17 years ago.
Walked out, got an abortion.
Moved to L.A. No explanation.
Nothing.
My one chance at a family, poof.
Yeah, everything was fine
all that time
until he just up and says...
"I'm into dudes," you know?
I'm done with her.
I just need to move on,
find somebody new.
Not you necessarily, but...
Did you ever do
a People-finder search,
or even just Google?
Well, my friend
tried it once, but nothing.
Forget it, I'm done.
I'll find her.
What's her name?
(CHUCKLES)
Pippi. My Ex? Uh...
Pippi.
Pippi what?
Pippi Carmichael.
But like I said,
you won't find a...
Here's
a Polly Carmichael-Wiggins.
Wait. Are you serious?
Uh, yeah.
That's her sister.
(CHUCKLES)
Well, she's all over here.
She's got a big presence.
Really? So...
Oh, yikes! That's...
Yeah, that's her.
Yeah, she's right over
there in Silverdale.
So...
after six years, this
guy's all, "I love you,
"but I just don't see
a future for us."
And I'm like, "I get it, dude.
You're into penis.
"So am I. But...
"couldn't you have
just told me that
"before I let myself
go all to shit?"
(LAUGHING)
(CHUCKLES)
WILSON: Recognize this voice?
Because I recognize yours.
No.
No.
Uh-uh.
Nope.
No, see it's Wilson!
(SIGHS)
Jesus Christ, Polly, spare me
the history lesson, okay?
I'm just...
calling to find out
if there's any news from Pippi.
Hmm.
Got to be around here somewhere.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
Watch your door.
Thank you.
Excuse me, sir?
Just a second.
Watch the door.
Quick question:
Can you tell me where
a guy could find some
pussy in this town?
Oh, you're looking
for a strip club, huh?
Uh... Well, no,
that's for suckers.
I'm looking for the kind
you can actually fuck.
Looking for a hooker?
That's it, exactly.
I'm looking
for my ex-wife.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Hey. How you doing?
Oh, good.
Can I ask you something?
Sure.
What's going on?
Okay.
Have you ever seen this woman?
Now, this is
an old picture, so she...
probably looks much,
much worse now.
Bruises from the drug use
and beatings.
Frizzy coke hair.
Waxy skin.
You, of all people,
know the drill.
Her name's Pippi,
but I'm sure she's got some...
florid nom de guerre now
like, uh...
"Klimaxx" or something.
I don't know no Klimaxx.
According to her sister,
she recently located
back here from L.A.
I'm sorry, I don't know her.
Okay. Well, in that case,
I guess I'll...
take a blowjob then.
All right.
Ooh.
I should've brought my wallet.
WILSON: Belinda, do you
know where Pippi is?
BELINDA: Stay the fuck
away from us.
We don't want nothing to do
with that crazy bitch.
Don't talk to him.
Look. It's torture for me
to see you guys, too...
especially hatch
hatchet-face over here...
but I need to know
if you've seen Pippi.
She's working at some
restaurant by the lake.
That's all we know.
Now please...
fuck off.
A restaurant?
What restaurant?
Fuck off!
(SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, we close
at 9:00 tonight. Sorry.
Oh, no, that's okay.
I just wanted to ask...
Do you have a Pippi
working here?
Like Pippi Longstocking?
Oh...
You don't ever want
to call her that.
Her sister says that
she's fallen on hard times.
You know, drugs, prostitution,
who knows what else.
I guess she's trying to get her
shit back together, but...
I blame her father.
Rich Republican prick.
But that's a pretty good way
to get back at him, I suppose.
"Hey, I'm blowing strangers
for drug money, Daddy.
"What do you
think of me now?"
This looks
like Lynne. Lynne!
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Two Pinot Noir, please!
I don't get the Lynne thing.
Why "Lynne"?
I thought you hated "Lynne."
Excuse me.
Just let me get through.
Wilson.
Jesus Christ, man!
I'm just trying to get
my life together
and make a clean start.
Why would you show up
and say that shit?
I can't get over
how amazing you look.
I thought you'd be some...
nasty, skanky, rat-haired,
snaggle-toothed...
sore-infested ho.
But look...
it's like you came
through the gauntlet
without a scratch!
Wilson, you showed up at my work
and called me a crack whore.
In front of Melissa!
Well, you know what?
I didn't know!
I was afraid you were living
with a biker gang or something.
You can't imagine all the stuff
running through my head...
from the shit
that Polly told me.
You talked to Polly?
Yeah, I mean...
Who the fuck
does she think she is?
She doesn't know the first
goddamn thing about my life.
And now she's saying bullshit
to everybody about me?
No. No!
(SIGHS)
(BREATHING DEEPLY)
I'm not doing this.
I'm not.
Because this is exactly
what she wants!
I am cooling out.
Mmm-hmm.
Doesn't know a goddamn
thing about my business.
I always told you that she
was a nightmare, remember?
Wilson, you said that
about everybody.
Was I wrong?
(CHUCKLES)
What do you want, Wilson?
My dad died and, uh...
Robert moved away,
so I'm all alone...
MOW.
I miss you, Pippi.
Yeah.
Shit. I wasn't...
I wasn't supposed to drink.
Huh?
Can this really be the
same Pippi who used to...
smoke and drink and
curse and fart and belch?
She was a disgusting pig.
Well, there was
never a dull moment,
that's for sure.
(WILSON CHUCKLES)
Pippi?
You were the only person
who ever bothered
to get to know the real me.
And I knew the real you.
The real Pippi.
And I think that maybe...
maybe I still know her.
It's been really hard.
I had some bad years.
I am so...
proud of you.
(EXHALES)
You're doing so good.
You're an amazing woman.
What's this?
(DOG WHINES)
No, no, no.
Pepper, down.
Fuck!
What?
Sorry, she's a little
bit overprotective.
Shit, I can't believe
you still live here.
Oh, I know, it's great, but...
you know, I can't help but think
it would've been great
if you just...
had the baby, and then we'd...
still have lived
together all those years.
And who knows what our
life might have been like.
P.T.A. meetings...
Guinea pigs...
Piano lessons...
You're totally
out of your mind, man.
If you had had the baby,
it would have forced us
to grow up.
You know?
I did have the baby.
What?
I had a little girl.
What are you talking about?
I put her up for adoption...
before I went to L.A.
Pippi...
you need to tell me right now
if you're joking around.
Wilson, we sent you papers.
No, I don't know anything
about what you're talking about.
She got adopted.
You had a baby?
Yeah.
I'm... I'm a father?
Kind of.
I am a father.
Why not?
I'm a father?
I'm a father?!
I'm a father!
Yes! Yes!
So...
how's business?
Terrible. Everybody just
does it themselves now.
When I talked to you
on the phone...
I pictured some guy with
an Army buddy on the force...
He gets all his info from
a blind guy on the corner...
Nope.
Nope.
Where the hell's
that goddamn file?
Cocksucker!
Oh, here's what I got.
"Claire Cassiday,
Parker Day High School."
You sure about that?
I do my best
with the information provided
but no guarantees.
(PRINTER WHIRRING)
Okay
Here she is.
Could lose a few pounds.
Couldn't we all.
Here we go. Fish and chips.
Enjoy, guys.
When are you done?
Wilson. I can't.
We're short tonight.
No, I got a great
surprise for you.
WOMAN: Excuse me!
Could I get this with the aioli
on the side as I requested?
I'm so sorry. Let me take
that back right away.
And we still haven't
seen that Bruschetta.
I'll get that right away.
No, no.
Wilson, I can't wait.
Please, I'll lose my job!
It's your daughter.
Isn't she beautiful?
Excuse me. We have
tickets to Wicked and...
Hey, dickhead!
Shut the fuck up!
Can't you see that this woman
is having a profound moment?
(SIGHS)
Somehow I just can't process
that this is your place.
I mean...
Don't get me wrong,
it's, uh, really...
nice.
Very tasteful. I just...
It's a sublet, dumb-ass!
(EXCLAIMS IN RELIEF)
Thank God.
So...
what do you want
to do about this?
Wilson, I've seen it.
Don't you do
another goddamn thing.
I can't even catch my
breath around you. Enough!
I'm not talking about anything
major, Pippi. I mean...
don't you want to
see her in the flesh?
(SIGHS)
What are you saying now?
What do you want to do,
stalk her?
(LAUGHING)
Holy Christ, Pippi.
Where do you come up
with this shit?
Why the hell do people
move to the suburbs?
It's like a living death.
Wilson, what are we doing?
(SIGHS) What?
I never...
stopped loving you, Pippi.
I stopped loving you.
Ouch.
Well...
(WILSON SIGHS)
I spent so many years hating you
and now I can't even
remember why.
I guess it drove me nuts
that I was such
a fucking mess...
and nothing I did
ever scared you away.
Well, you remember this?
Mmm.
Yeah.
29 stitches.
Yeah.
That almost scared me away.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(GASPS) Shh, shh, shh.
They're on the move!
They're on the move.
Wait! What are you doing?
I told you. I just want
to get a glimpse of her.
But you just saw her!
Get down! Down, down.
Shit.
Up, up'
(ENGINE STARTING)
Wilson, just let this go.
No, we got to go.
Wilson!
(PIPPI WHINING)
Okay, the coast is clear.
Cool it, Wilson.
Jesus.
Oh...
We made that.
GIRL: Hey, it's Claire.
Hi, Claire.
What's up, Claire?
Why are you here?
They having a sale
on big-ass clown clothes?
Go die, asshole.
BOY: Oh...
I'm sorry,
what did you say to me?
Oh, no.
What did you say to me, bitch?
Hey, Claire,
Jenny Craig's over here.
Fat-ass bitch!
Where are you going?
Hey!
You need to shut the fuck
up, you little prick!
Watch yourself, asshole.
No, you watch it!
That's my daughter!
Wilson, not now!
Bad timing!
You little son of a bitch!
Get off me, asshole!
No! Let go!
I'm not letting go!
Let it go!
Wilson!
I'm gonna kick his ass!
(SOBBING)
Believe me, Pippi gave
you a true gift...
by giving you away,
because we were in no
position to be parents.
I was told that
she was an unfit mother.
Oh, you were told the truth.
She was on the street,
strung out on drugs...
comforting strangers.
I never was on the street.
Look, it doesn't...
Don't get bogged down
in the details right now.
We're just thrilled to finally
have the opportunity
to get to meet you!
And if you're wondering about
the lack of
family resemblance...
you couldn't tell it
by looking at her,
but she used to be a real hippo.
Your grandpa wrote
a well-regarded novel
about Melville, and...
Pippi's Maternal Grandfather
was a famous judge
in Ohio, and...
Shit!
I have to go.
Oh...
Well, it's been...
truly amazing getting a chance
to have this time with you.
Okay, bye-
Okay-
Bye.
Bye.
(LAUGHING GIDDILY)
I'm not some
strung-out skank, man!
Pippi, is that all that you took
from this experience?
Well, we just totally
ambushed her!
I thought we were
just gonna hide out.
I can honestly say...
I have never seen
anything more beautiful...
than the look on your face...
when you first saw her.
You were...
glowing-
I guess it was good
we got to see her, right?
I feel like maybe
I can stop worrying.
And I'll let her go.
Thanks.
WILSON: I think
you're right, Pippi.
She certainly doesn't need
any help from us.
It's like she has
that miserable,
anguished look...
like you had
when I first met you.
Of course, you turned out okay.
In the long run.
Oh, Pippi.
Oh, Pippi!
(SOBBING)
(HORN HONKING)
Hi, there.
(SNIFFLES)
What do you want?
Well, I just didn't feel like
we got closure to our, uh...
you know,
little introduction, and I...
I can't believe I just used
the word "closure," but...
Why the fuck is everyone
up my butt today?
Up your...? No.
What the hell's wrong?
Hey, come on, hop in.
I'll give you a ride.
No, thanks.
I'll get the bus.
No, no, I'll give you a ride.
Claire! I can't stand
to see you like this. Please.
Come on.
(SIGHS)
(WILSON EXHALES)
(CLEARS THROAT)
How about I take you
for ice cream?
Is that supposed to be funny?
Yeah, let's get the fat
girl some ice cream.
Hey, not everybody's
out to get you, Claire.
Well, that's what it
fucking feels like!
Is it those jerks from the mall?
Because I'll kick the
shit out of them.
It's everybody.
Okay, I'll kick the shit
out of everybody then.
It is a given
that every decent person
who ever lived got shit
on in high school.
I'm sure they picked on
Copernicus, for fuck sake.
It's a badge of honor.
However...
that does not mean
that you have to sit back
and get reamed for four years.
So is there
one particular asshole?
Yeah.
Monika the bitch.
Monika?
Monika.
Now, is there like a creepy
teacher or janitor or...?
Mr. Naisbitt.
Ah, okay.
"Monika, Monika, you blow
"Mr. Naisbitt
like a harmonica."
You see how that rhymed?
That's just a bonus.
No, "you blow Mr.
Naisbitt's Syphilitic Dong
"like a harmonica."
Eaugh! Too far.
Yeah.
You passed my house.
How could you tell?
No, the Cassidays seem
like wonderful people.
I was thinking
I should arrange a meeting
so we can all be
on the same page together.
That's a horrible idea.
I bet...
your mom does some fancy
cooking in here, huh?
We never use any of this shit.
My mom can't even
work the stove.
Well...
They took in an innocent baby
and raised it as their own.
Folks like that
are the heroes of this world.
(SARCASTICALLY)
Mmm.
Yeah, they could spend
a little more time with you.
Yeah.
I mean, I could do without
all the over-compensatory
display of class privileges...
but...
I mean, Christ, what
kind of example is that?
It's like they're laughing
at the next generation.
(MOCKING LAUGHTER)
"We used up all your resources.
Fuck you."
I always wondered
how I got like this.
No. No. I'm not
doing that, Wilson.
Come on, it'll be fun.
I haven't been there
since I was a kid.
Wilson! You know I'm not
talking about that.
Look.
For better or worse, Pippi,
we have totally
freaked this girl out.
Yeah.
And it is our duty
to make sure that
she doesn't have
some major meltdown.
You know? I mean,
can you imagine
what she's going through?
No! No fucking way. Of course I can't.
Can you?
She's a sweet kid
with two crazy people
stalking her.
We're not stalking her.
Wilson.
And how many times
do I have to tell you
what I'm going through, huh?
I am barely making it
through each day.
And you're expecting this
huge emotional commitment...
while you're dragging me along
for this insane
fucking insta-family?
Pippi, it is that commitment...
that is exactly what you need
to help you move forward.
Trust me, I know.
(GROANING)
You're an asshole!
Goddamn it!
What is in there?
Pippi?
Goddamn it!
Calm yourself.
Fuck!
This is why I left you
in the first place.
You think you know it all.
You don't!
You don't know shit about shit!
Are you done?
WILSON: Wow! So cool!
You must have been here
a million times, huh?
Nope.
My mom's scared of poor people.
Perfect!
It's all ours then.
Thank you. Whoo!
This used to seem
so huge when I was a kid.
Hey, you guys ready
to take it for a spin?
You're embarrassing her.
This is a little kid ride.
I'm not embarrassed.
Come on, Pippi,
you don't have to be
such a lump
on a log. Hop in.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING ON PA)
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)
You guys are so beautiful.
(CAMERA CLICKS)
Ugh.
They're watching us.
Stop it, deer.
(CHUCKLES)
Any kids?
Yeah.
How old?
They're six and fifteen.
Why?
Oh, nothing. I just have
a 17-year-old daughter.
She's quite a handful.
(SIGHS)
She's going through a
rough patch with her mom.
You know how they
are at this age.
My oldest is going through
the same thing. (SCOFFS)
You have to remember that
they're just kids, you know?
They still need to know
you love them...
as hard as that
may be sometimes.
Yeah.
You know, that's...
Thank you.
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
You're a wise man.
Nice cock, by the way.
(TOILET FLUSHING)
Pippi?
(CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey!
(ALL SCREAMING)
WILSON: Hey, hey.
(LAUGHS)
They grow up so fast.
FUCK you!
What a day!
Can you imagine...
how much bird feces
is in this park?
What time is it?
Well...
Don't you have your phone?
Are you kidding me?
That's unbelievable.
This thing has been right
on time for like two weeks.
Shit.
Anyway, time is like,
you know...
Here and now is where we're at.
Claire?
Hey, Dad.
(PIPPI SHUSHING)
Oh.
Sorry.
Okay!
Okay, bye.
Bye! Bye! (G ROANS)
You know, I heard
you call him "Dad"
and I wonder if he realizes
how lucky he really is.
I better go.
Okay
Okay, well, hey,
let me give you a hug.
I really have enjoyed this time.
Next time we'll do
something fun like maybe...
get a pogo stick
or something, or...
Frisbee.
Frisbee'd be easier probably.
See ya.
Bye!
Watch out for the bird shit!
(DOG BARKS)
Hey, hey, Pepper.
Cut it out.
PIPPI: I think she's
disappointed in me.
No, it's just she's
all desperate and needy.
She can tell when someone
doesn't love her.
Not the dog, stupid.
Who, Claire?
You're nuts.
Did you see the way
she was looking at you?
Really?
(SCOFFS)
Magical.
Oh, Christ.
Fucking Polly, man.
Why can't she leave me alone?
Delete.
Bullshit.
(CHUCKLING)
What?
(LAUGHING)
What?
I just had
this thought of like...
What if I showed up
with you and Claire?
I was at her front door
and we're all like,
"This is my family, bitch."
(LAUGHING) I'd love
to see her face!
Right? Yes!
No, no, don't laugh.
We have to do that.
I am not going to her stupid
suburban shithole life.
But there's nothing
nuts about that.
Look, look, just...
all of the shit that
you've been through...
and you've come out
the other side
better than she'll ever be.
And it's a great chance
for your daughter
to see who you are.
She's not
our real daughter, man.
I know. I know, Pippi.
I mean, she's never
gonna live with us.
But she's always
gonna be a part of us.
I don't want to live
in a fantasy world.
Yeah, well...
how's reality
working out for you?
You know, the wife
is not a big dog person.
What are you gonna do?
How could anyone not love you?
I bet you can't take
two steps on the sidewalk
without someone
wanting to pet you.
Oh, it is kind of disturbing actually.
It's like...
"Hello there, up here!
I'm an actual human being.
"I can do math and...
"drive a car and cook
food and do tiddlywinks...
"and masturbate."
(LAUGHING)
I didn't know you were married.
Oh, yeah. Wife, kids,
the whole shebang.
Nice.
Claire, your folks
are okay with you coming?
I just told them it was
a weekend trip with Hannah.
They don't give a shit.
They're just thrilled
I have a fucking friend.
Okay...
this is a family outing.
Let's try to keep it PG-13.
That's just how I talk.
Okay, well, in that case...
Swear all the fuck you want!
(WILSON LAUGHING)
You're fucking crazy.
Let's face it,
this is pretty great.
Look, even Pippi's happy!
(LAUGHING)
Why not, right? Fuck!
I spent my whole life
feeling like shit
about myself, you know?
Never enjoyed a goddamn thing.
Fuck that, right?
Yeah, fuck that completely.
Fuck it!
Yes!
(SIGHS)
WOMAN: (SINGING ON RADIO)
Here's my number
So call me maybe
And all the other boys
Try to chase me
That killed the mood.
Killed it. Stop.
WILSON: That's terrible.
Turn it off. Turn it off!
Oh, God!
What obnoxious drivel.
Hey, I just met you
And this is crazy
But here's my num...
Oh, God.
Oh, come on, chin up.
This is gonna be fun.
Fuck, we're so late.
Stop.
Oh, honey!
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi, Will! Remember me?
Of course. Wilson.
(CHUCKLING)
Oh, you guys...
Yeah, this is, uh...
Polly and Will.
And this is your niece, Claire.
Oh, Claire,
it's great to meet you.
Come in. Please.
Wow.
Mmm-mmm.
Sorry.
WILSON: Hey, Polly...
you look great.
Thank you.
I don't mean that
in a salacious way at all.
I just think you look great.
Thanks.
Don't you think she looks...
You do, too, Will!
Thanks.
(WHISPERS)
What's the boy's name?
Cooper.
Cooper!
The last time I saw you...
you were two or three years old.
You were trying to get your mom
to pick up some Legos and...
you were literally
just freaking out!
And at the time
I thought that you guys
were terrible parents...
but I didn't get it
like I do now.
I used to be way over
on the nurture side
of the nature/nurture debate...
but not anymore.
I mean, look at her.
Look! The way
she holds her fork
is exactly like Pippi.
And just
a million things, like...
she has my mom's
little half-smile.
And then she has Pippi's
sarcastic laugh and...
my temper. I mean,
DNA, it's just...
it's truly unbelievable.
Coop's heading
to Duke in the fall.
(CHUCKLING)
It's hard to believe.
(POLLY CHUCKLES)
Coops!
(CLEARS THROAT)
And Jenny's already halfway
through law school.
Oh, Christ, I forgot
you had another one.
I totally forgot.
So is she my cousin?
(IN BRITISH ACCENT)
Oh, brilliant, Watson!
Definite college material.
(CHUCKLES)
What are you gonna major
in, brain surgery?
(LAUGHING)
So, Claire, have you been
thinking about school yet?
Fuck, no.
(LAUGHS)
You see?
Now, that is pure Wilson.
Here's to you, Claire.
(IN BRITISH ACCENT)
And to you, Coop!
Coop!
Why Golf Matters.
I feel like I'm doing fieldwork
among the natives or something.
We shouldn't have come here.
What?
Mmm-mmm.
She'll always find a way to win.
What are you talking about?
Look at us, Wilson!
We're something
out of a horror movie!
We're all pasty and bald
and bitter and...
lonely and...
(G ROANS)
Hey... they're all fancy and...
I would rather have our daughter
than that creepy little kid
any day of the week.
It's not really our daughter!
Stop it, Pippi!
(WHISPERS)
Stop it! Stop it!
Pippi, we're here on vacation.
I can't.
(SHUSHING)
Let's just try to have fun.
You know?
Yeah.
CLAIRE: How come
you're so quiet?
(WILSON CHUCKLES)
Oh, Well, I...
Some of my best times
with my mom were spent, um...
not saying a word, just...
just sitting together
in the same room...
feeling...
the connection.
Like a chemical thing.
You know, I always
used to try to imagine
what you were like.
My "real dad."
(WILSON CHUCKLES)
Well, I hope you're not
too disappointed.
Nah.
You're cool.
(PIPPI GROANS)
They went for a walk.
Oh.
Oh, God.
(GROANING)
Oh.
Thanks.
Aw, Pippi.
I was afraid
I'd never see you again.
Yeah.
I want you to know
that I fully understand
why you didn't
come to Dad's funeral.
And I also know that things were
tougher for you after I left.
(CHUCKLING) Oh?
Yeah?
Maybe they were a little
bit tougher for me?
Yeah.
So, it's good to see
you wanting a family.
That says a lot to me.
And I know that I've said
some negative things
about Wilson in the past, but...
(SIGHS)
(CLICKS TONGUE)
So, what are Claire's
real parents like?
Are they okay?
Amazing.
Mmm.
Super rich.
Mmm-hmm.
Super well-educated.
Yeah, they got
a big house. Like...
way bigger than this place.
That's great.
Mmm-hmm.
And how did Claire's
parents feel about
you and Wilson making
contact like that?
Or was that their idea?
They must really trust you
to let her stay here
for the weekend.
Yup.
I mean... (SIGHS)
Do they know about your...
troubles?
They're really cool with me.
Mmm-hmm.
Do Claire's parents even
know where she is, Pippi?
Oh, my God, Polly!
Ugh! Look at you!
You're still just playing
Little Miss Perfect.
Kissing Dad's ass,
staying all quiet
while I spoke up
for the both of us...
and I'm the low-life
scumbag?
I knew I shouldn't
have come back here.
I heard Claire on the
phone this morning.
She told her mom
she was staying at
a beach house
with her friend Hannah.
You're a fucking cunt!
(SHRIEKING)
(GRUNTS)
When you're a kid,
you have all this future.
This potential.
But when you get to be my age,
you kind of look at things
in a different way.
You're kind of living
more in the moment.
Things like this lake
and the ducks...
Shit like this
becomes so damn huge.
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMING)
Ow!
FUCK you!
Get away from me, Pippi!
Oh, oh, oh!
Stop it! Pippi!
I'm getting fucking
tired of this bullshit!
No, Pippi! (GROANS)
(SHOUTING)
(FROG CROAKING)
Oh, oh, oh! Look.
Oh. Ooh.
(CROAKING CONTINUES)
A little woodland creature.
You know, they haven't
changed at all
since the time of the dinosaurs.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, you're so cute.
Ooh, what's your name?
What did the frog
say to the fly?
(LAUGHING)
That's right.
(CHUCKLING)
Big drinkers, though.
Big, huge drinkers.
(INDISTINCT ARGUING)
POLLY: There he is!
Come here.
What?
Get over here.
(STAMMERS) What's going on?
Guys? No, I didn't
do anything!
PIPPI: Wilson...
(SOBBING) ...I lost it.
WILSON: Pippi?
OFFICER: Come on, let's go.
Pippi, what's going on?
PIPPI: Just don't
say anything.
Polly!
It's called kidnapping!
OFFICER: Sit down.
(POLICE RADIO CHATTER)
Pippi?
Claire?
(CAR ENGINE STARTING)
(SIREN WAILING)
This is nuts!
She's my daughter. How
could this be kidnapping?
Well, the parents
are pretty P.O'-ed.
It's hard to blame them.
She is just 17.
Whose side are you on?
Don't worry.
We'll let them cool down
and then we'll work
something out.
You got a clean record.
What about Pippi?
Did they charge her
with something?
I don't know.
I heard they offered
her some deal.
Damn it! Ahh!
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
(MAN YELLING INDISTINCTLY)
What are you looking at?
That is quite a tattoo.
Mmm. How's that?
It's like the ultimate
argument ender.
Like, "No, I don't want
your fucking job. In fact...
(CLEARS THROAT) "I want to
destroy your entire society.
"Fuck you."
(CHUCKLING)
What'd you say, bitch?
(STAMMERING)
No, I'm not... I like it.
It's like an acknowledgment
to a whole other generation...
(GROANS)
(GRUNTING)
Whoa, whoa!
(TASER CRACKLING)
Ahh!
(DOOR ALARM BUZZES)
(DOOR CLOSES)
Hi.
(WILSON SIGHS)
(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMEN ON PA)
PRIEST: It doesn't matter if
you're out of here 20 years,
living on an island.
You will never be
truly free until
you've been washed
in the blood of the Lamb.
A believer stuck 10
years in the shoe...
is freer than any man
who disdains the Word.
WILSON: Mmm.
That is beautiful,
beautiful stuff.
Have you always been a...
God-fearing man, Pastor?
I've tried to be.
Oh, what a gift.
I wish my parents
had done that for me.
I've spent so much time
trying to make sense of it all.
Well, it's never too late.
(CHUCKLES)
Well, yeah, I guess.
I mean, at a certain point...
no rational man's gonna buy into
all this crazy mumbo jumbo.
Let's be realistic.
You got to have it ingrained...
before you develop
any real sense of, you know...
reason.
I mean, unless you...
get brain damage or something.
(LAUGHING)
Yeah.
(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMEN ON PA)
Oh, hello, brother.
(GRUNTING)
WILSON: "The Lord is my
shepherd; "I shall not want."
"He maketh me lie down
in green pastures."
He maketh me lie down
in green pastures.
"He leadeth me
beside the still waters."
He leadeth me
beside the still waters.
"He restoreth my soul."
He restoreth my soul.
So I grabbed this asshole
by the lapels...
and I said, "Look, I don't
care if you are a nun...
"I'm gonna fucking,
shit, fucking punch..."
Fuck, yeah!
(ALL CHEERING)
Wassup, bro?
Hey.
How you doing, man?
You staying out of trouble?
MAN: Yo, Wilson!
Wassup, man?
Hey, man.
Wassup, hippie? Hey.
How's my favorite hippie?
Hey, don't eat
the chocolate cake.
Gave me the shits earlier.
There's more pieces than
there is puzzle left. Look.
These are that color
and there ain't no
blanks in that color.
GUARD: Hey, Wilson!
You got a visitor.
A what?
(DOOR CLOSES)
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
I can't believe it's you.
It's me.
It's two and a half years.
I never heard a word.
I, uh...
I tried to get
my lawyer to find you.
I even tried
to go through Polly.
Oh, she was on the Warpath.
I have thought of you every day.
A thousand times.
I'm sorry, Wilson.
I was just, uh...
It got really bad.
I knew there was a reason.
I'm sorry,
I'm... I'm so happy.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
When Claire turned on
me at the trial...
I don't think
I've ever been more devastated.
I just thank you for not
testifying against me.
Yeah, but I should've been
up there fighting for you.
(MUTTERING)
I wondered about that.
I could've been there
for you, and I...
I totally failed you, Wilson.
But you're here now.
I am.
And I have to thank you, Wilson.
You believed in me
when nobody else ever did.
Oh, Pippi.
Now that I'm pulling it
together here...
I feel like I'm ready
for an actual relationship.
(LAUGHING)
And that's why...
Tucker and I are
moving to Australia.
(GASPS)
(STAMMERS)
What did...?
(LAUGHS)
I just... Could you...?
Did you...? Did you...?
Tucker?
Yeah, my sponsor.
Or he was my sponsor.
I know that sounds
really bad, right?
But we went through a lot.
So...
I think you'd like him, Wilson.
Yeah, I'm sure I...
I'm sure I would.
Hey-
Maybe we don't have to
be miserable forever.
(PIPPI CHUCKLES)
Maybe we could find our
way to being happy.
(BOTH SNIFFLE)
Pippi?
(DOOR OPENS)
(WILSON SOBBING)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
What the fuck
are you looking at?
(SHUSHING)
Thank you.
So...
What's been going on
in the world?
I don't know. Nothing.
Tell me, friend, have you
heard the good news?
Oh, no, I'm...
No, thanks.
I'm just fucking with you!
(LAUGHING)
Jesus doesn't give a shit.
No, I just got out of prison.
36 months hard time with
the lowest scum imaginable.
Oh... But I made it
out the other end.
Yeah.
Insert ass-rape
joke here.
(LAUGHING)
I'm not gonna, you know,
slice your throat
for a deck of smokes.
I'm all done with that life.
Are you headed to school?
Yeah.
Yeah? Oh, good for you.
Good boy.
Yeah, I'm just headed home.
Just me and a mangy old
dog, if she even...
remembers me.
That's her.
Oh, sorry... That's my ex.
(CHUCKLES)
(CHUCKLES)
No, here's the dog.
Oh, she's cool.
It's so nice
talking with someone
who isn't fucking psychotic!
You know?
We got a nice long
journey ahead of us.
Yeah, a couple of hours.
Yeah.
"Cyndi's Cupcakery?"
What happened
to the used bookstore?
(EXHALES)
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
SHELLY: Is that you,
Diana?
It's me, Wilson.
Pepper's dad!
Hi.
You can't believe what
happened to me, Shelly.
(SIGHS)
Um...
Where's all your dog stuff?
Well, I'm not sitting anymore.
So where is she?
Pepper?
Well, Wilson...
even when I stopped sitting,
Pepper was the only dog I kept.
She was such
a wonderful little girl.
Was?
I'm sorry.
(SIGHS)
She got so sick, Wilson.
And in the end
she could barely even...
She could barely
even lift her little head.
(WAILING)
I tried to find you. I did.
And someone said that
you were in jail, and I just...
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Pepper.
(AFFECTIONATELY) I'll never
use this voice again.
WILSON: Good-bye, Pepper.
You were a true friend.
Every minute in your
presence was a blessing
and your joy
over the simplest of
pleasures was humbling
and inspirational.
You were the pride
of the neighborhood,
the brightener
of a thousand days.
To see a stranger's eyes tear
at the memory of a similar pet
is to know the inherent
goodness of your kind.
You...
Urinated.
urinated...
on my address book
and chewed up two sofas...
Three.
Three, but...
(SNIFFLES)
in doing so, you taught us
the utter worthlessness
of those things.
We celebrate you, Pepper.
(CRYING) You and all your
brothers and sisters
in the animal family.
We vow to honor
and protect your kind
and oppose
with all our heart those...
who would harm or degrade
any living creature in any way.
Amen.
So whatever happened
with you and Francisco?
Diego?
(CHUCKLING)
He turned out to be
a real asshole.
Oh, jeez, I knew it!
You know, those
guys who come off
all emotional and caring,
they're bad news.
You deserve to be
treated with respect.
(SIGHS)
I guess I'm just not used
to all this walking.
So what was prison like?
They say that there's no
such thing as rehabilitation
and people come out worse
than they go in, but I...
kind of feel like it helped...
turn me into an adult.
(CHUCKLES) Finally.
Breathe.
(INHALES SHARPLY)
You're so tight.
Flip over on your tummy.
Tummy, okay.
Whoa.
(EXHALES)
I think that you and I have
a lot to teach each other.
Huh.
You're so open and fearless.
(WILSON GRUNTS)
I'm always worrying what
other people are thinking
and second guessing
every single little thing.
Well, you know,
I wish I'd have
started this years ago.
I spent so much time
pining after my ex
and moping like an idiot.
I'm ready for...
a real relationship.
Someone with a...
kind heart
and an open demeanor
and a gentle spirit...
Motherfucker!
(BONE CRACKING)
Ahh!
WILSON: Call me a caveman
or whatever, but...
I still say the world
was a better place
before everybody had
one of those damn things
in their house.
I want to hear this.
I just need
to finish this email.
I mean, I feel like I'm fading
into oblivion
While...
everyone else is
scampering to keep up.
Fifty years from now,
there won't even be
the slightest trace
of my existence.
Nothing.
Like...
(LAUGHS) Like
I never existed at all.
Mmm. It's horrible.
(BOTH MOANING)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
(TRANQUIL MUSIC PLAYING)
(BOTH PANTING)
I just have to...
It might be George
about tomorrow.
Hello?
No.
No.
Look, he has no interest
in talking to you, and we'd...
just prefer
if you don't call this
number anymore, okay?
Thank you.
Who the hell was that?
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Wow.
Hi.
You look so...
grown up.
Thanks.
You look good, too.
Oh! Well, you know,
if you'd have seen me
when I first got out...
forty months
of eating pure crap and...
sitting in a little room
with a window this wide...
I looked like a fungus.
Mmm.
So, uh, did you hear
from your mother?
You know,
she's run off to Australia
with her N.A. sponsor.
Yeah.
Tucker.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
She emailed me before she left.
Yeah, like
they don't have cocaine
in Australia or something.
Look, Claire, I'm gonna
need some kind of apology
or something.
Some acknowledgment
of the unconscionable way
that you turned on me
at the trial.
Look, I was a kid.
I did exactly what my
parents told me to do.
And I am sorry, but...
I had no idea how to
deal with a crazy,
chaotic situation like that.
Okay, look, Polly and
prison and Australia,
none of it matters to me.
But to see you get up
on that stand
and say those things about me!
Look, I'm sorry, Wilson.
I really, really am. But...
it's not why I'm here.
I'm going to have a baby.
And I thought I should
tell you in person.
I guess I wanted to know
if he was gonna
have any weird diseases
or something.
But I mean, you're
just a kid yourself.
(SIGHS)
Don't start with that.
I get enough of that shit
from everybody else.
I just... A baby?
A baby.
So that makes me a grandfather?
(LAUGHS)
(CHUCKLES) Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I just came here...
to shit on you
for ratting me out
to the Feds, and now this?
This is... This is...
(IMITATES EXPLOSION)
WILSON: You know,
Portland is not so bad.
I could be there to help her
with anything she needs.
What are you talking about?
I can't move to Portland.
Oh, no, I know.
I wasn't, you know,
suggesting...
I know this is a really
emotional issue for you...
but you have to accept that
she's not your daughter.
You barely know her and...
she sent you to jail,
for Chris-sake!
Okay, that's true.
Point taken.
Also, it's totally disrespectful
to the people who did raise her.
Hi, ma'am! Can I
play with your dog?
They don't need any
more stress right now.
Let me just pet him.
Sit tight. I'll be
there in 10 minutes.
Hi! Hello! You are
such a beautiful girl.
Excuse me. I got to go.
Wilson, she has to...
Wilson!
I really love you.
Hey, dude.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Wilson, she needs to go.
I'm sorry.
She has to leave.
Wilson, she needs
to leave. Wilson!
What the hell
are you doing here?
I come in peace.
I just wanted to talk
to you and your wife.
I'll get a restraining
order if I have to.
Please, I mean no harm.
Just the opposite.
I wanted a chance...
to get to know you
and Mrs. Cassiday a little.
I... I brought this
for Claire.
I thought
she might be interested
in her family tree,
and there's photos.
Yeah, well, we don't
want you or your book.
I'm asking you. Go home.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
I gave you a chance to
raise this wonderful girl.
If you love her, then...
you love a little
piece of me, too.
That's it.
I'm calling the cops.
You have everything
in the world!
Can't you just find it
in your heart?
Yeah, I have an intruder
on my property.
Uh-huh. Yes, I Will.
I'm sorry.
Thanks for taking care
of my baby. You...
did an amazing job.
Uh, yes.
Um, you know,
actually it's okay.
Yeah, false alarm.
No, I'm sorry.
Thanks very much.
CLAIRE: Hey.
Hey!
What are you still doing here?
My mom said
you were beating off.
No, I... I know...
that I fucked everything up.
I'm just asking
for the tiniest...
shred of hope
that you might someday...
let me be a small
part of your life.
What do you mean?
I'm just gonna come
right out and say it:
I want to move to Portland
and help you
with the baby and...
And...
make up for all my mistakes.
No.
Look, I can't hurt
my mom and dad anymore.
They're already freaked out
about this whole baby
thing, and I can't...
Please?
I don't think so.
Please, Claire?
I wouldn't be in your way.
Claire?
Can I at least come visit you?
The little fucker might like me.
(CHUCKLES)
Thank you.
You know,
I really have to just
take stock of my life.
Start counting my blessings.
The fact is, I got it pretty
good here with you, Shelly.
You know, I mean,
we all want people
to love us
for exactly who we are.
But that's not really
possible in this world
because we're just all too
unbearable. You know?
We got to...
make the best
of what we have, you know?
I thought you were
moving to Portland.
I did say that.
Hmm.
(CHUCKLES)
WILSON: Before this,
I was screwed.
And when it was
all said and done,
figured I'd just die
and be forgotten.
A handful of ashes
dumped in the ocean.
(RINGING)
Hi.
WILSON: Oh, my God.
(LAUGHS)
WILSON: But now...
Now there's someone to
remember me when I'm gone-
It's Grandpa Wilson,
right there!
At least until some
horrific apocalypse
wipes out the human race.
Hi.
(CRYING)
Can you hold him up
a little closer?
WILSON: We like our stories to
end with the promise of hope.
Happily ever after and all that.
Is that as clear as it gets?
Too bad real lives
don't have that structure.
Or, hell, maybe they do.
Maybe it's right there
in front of us
and we just can't see it.
(COOING)
WILSON: Remember
when we were kids?
Life was all there
in front of us,
waiting to happen.
(laughing)
You could be an astronaut
or the President,
whatever the hell you wanted.
Every day was an adventure,
and things were only going
to get better.
Then the years pass
and you start to see...
that it's all a big fairy tale.
Total bullshit.
(groans)
I'm no genius,
but I like to think I've figured
a few things out along the way.
For one thing, modern
civilization is a scam.
A sad, pointless charade
built on lies.
You have to have the courage
to go your own way.
Happiness is hard to come by.
Sure as hell
aren't gonna find it
in some stupid gadget.
There you are, tapping
on some little box...
while the real shit is happening
all around you, dumb-ass.
(affectionately)
I hate you so much.
Yes, I do, yeah.
I hate you.
Don't get me wrong,
I've got nothing
but love for
my fellow human beings.
I'm a people person all the way,
one hundred percent.
(GASPS) Look at you.
What a pretty dog!
Look at those ears.
What's your name?
What's your name?
(IN CHILD'S VOICE)
My name is Pepper.
And I'm five years old.
And this morning...
I was a bad, bad girl.
WILSON: People get
really creeped out
when you talk
in the fake dog voice.
I believe that every one of
us has a story to tell...
and we're all part of
the human family.
How tragic we've lost
all sense of community.
A sense of camaraderie
with our friends and neighbors.
You mind if I sit here?
I don't think there's anyone
sitting at those tables.
But she likes the sunny spot.
Don'tcha? Don'tcha
like the sunny spot?
I'm actually right in the
middle of something, so...
Working man, eh?
Good deal.
Wife? Kids?
Hey, asshole!
I'm talking to you.
WILSON: Nobody has actual
conversations anymore.
It's a real shame.
I mean, everybody's got
something valuable to offer
if you just take
the time to listen.
Nope. Sorry.
Saggy-balls motherfucker!
(LAUGHING)
WILSON: And if
you're lucky enough
to find a friend or two
in this world...
well, brother,
you've hit the jackpot.
So...
what did Wilson
think of our news?
I didn't tell him yet.
Oh, God, not another kid!
(LAUGHS) No, no.
It's just we were thinking
we might want to
move somewhere...
where we could actually
afford to buy a house.
Show him the pictures.
Where is this?
St. Louis.
Missouri?
(LAUGHING) Jesus Christ.
St. Louis?
It's actually
a pretty interesting town.
Oh, okay, that flies
in the face of everything
I've ever heard...
about St. Louis
in particular
and Missouri at large!
What the hell
do you know about it?
Look, I get it.
You don't want to have to be
the ones to cart poor old...
Wilson to the hospital
when he conks out.
Get out while the going's good.
Smart move!
Holy shit.
This has nothing to do
with you, Wilson.
Oh, that's nice!
Thanks for thinking of me!
I always knew
that she hated me...
but I always thought that
you were my best friend!
He's your only friend!
Jodie!
No, I'll be fucked if I sit here
and let you give us
a guilt trip about this.
Why don't you
get off your lazy ass
and go find some
new fucking friends?!
Jesus Christ!
WILSON: Life can be
a difficult business.
We need to be thankful
for everything we have.
Caveman was happy
with the roof over his head...
a day's supply of food,
and a family to
share his burden.
Honey, I'm home!
What's for dinner?
Well, two out of three.
That's not so bad, I guess.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV)
(PHONE RINGING)
(SIGHS)
Of all the times to call!
Hello?
He what?
(DOG BARKING)
Hey-
Honey, you're so beautiful!
Yeah, we're gonna
have so much fun!
So, I don't know
how long I'll be.
It's a family emergency.
I hope it's nothing serious.
Oh, hell, yeah.
It's serious.
Yeah, my old man
has terminal cancer.
I am so sorry.
I lost my brother to lymphoma.
You take as much time
as you need.
And don't worry about anything.
I'll take such good care of her.
Um...
She needs to have
these pills every...
Is this our new little friend?
Who's this crazy kid, man?
Who's this guy?
Diego.
Nice to meet you.
Wait, I thought it was just you.
Diego lives here with me.
He helps out a ton
with the animals.
Okay, yeah. That's just...
How do you know he's not
some crazy dog fucker?
He's not.
No, I'm not.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING ON PA)
(SNORING)
Ooh.
Where you headed, bro?
I'm sorry. What?
Where you going?
I'm going home.
Ah.
I'm going to visit my
dad in the hospital.
Stage-four lung cancer.
Took a bad turn last night.
Fell in the shower.
Sorry, to hear that.
So, um...
(CLEARS THROAT)
What do you do?
What?
I'm sorry, what?
What's your line?
Your job.
J-CD-B?
Um, I do management consulting,
mostly in the I.T. sector.
Oh, no kidding!
Because I do some...
C.N.P.-ing
in the
V. H.C-slash-1 -G-Q-point..
Come on, man.
Nobody actually
understands that bullshit.
I mean I want to know...
what are the actual
activities of your day?
(STAMMERING)
You know,
different things. I, um...
Meetings, uh,
phone calls, reports.
But, you know, I mostly, uh...
primarily focus on manage...
(SNORING)
Listen, brother,
forty years from now
you're gonna be
on your deathbed saying:
"Where did it all go?
"What did I do with
those precious days?
"Some shitwork
for the oligarchs?"
I actually enjoy what I do,
and I've worked my ass
off to get there.
How did we end up like this?!
(HEART MONITOR BEEPING)
WILSON: Okay, so...
this is it, I guess.
When Mom died it just happened,
you know, but...
you have the chance
to leave me with something.
Couldn't you...
see that I needed you
to tell me just one time...
that you loved me?
(SOBS) Or that
you hated me, or...
something.
Something besides the problems
with your goddamn garden.
If you can hear me,
just squeeze my hand.
(VOICE BREAKING) Just...
come on, fucker!
Dad?
Something?
It's too late, isn't it?
(SOBBING)
There it is.
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(LAUGHING)
You have any kids of your own?
Excuse me?
Do...
you...
have any Nios of your own?
Two. But they grown up.
Hell of a job doing what you do.
I can't imagine what it's
like working for some...
asshole whitey fuckers
who can't even be bothered to...
raise their own family.
I got to go.
That's okay.
I got it covered.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm just...
My dad just passed on and...
It's weird, I can't even...
(STAMMERS) I never thought
I'd say "passed on."
He died.
We used to play ball.
Right out there.
If it wasn't for him, I'd
throw like a damn pussy.
He was a good...
man, in general, you know?
(SOBBING)
Who's that?
It's me, Wilson.
I wanted to see
if you still lived here.
Can I come in?
You want some beet juice?
Fuck, no!
(FLY BUZZING)
You seen Meyers lately?
Nah.
Guy's an asshole.
Hmm.
My dad died.
Yeah.
So I'm kind of...
My old man's still alive.
Motherfucker won't die.
(SCOFFS)
He fucking will not die.
93 years old. I'm literally
counting the seconds.
Well, I just...
I don't have any family left.
And I've known you...
since we were, what,
nine years old? Ten?
I don't have a single
person who shares
my same memories, you know?
Lucky you.
(SIGHS)
You know...
people always said that
you were kind of "difficult,"
but I don't know,
I guess that...
Who said that?
Fucking Ted Kuby?
No. No, no.
I think that...
I need to change my life
a little bit. Just...
you know, meet some
new people and...
shake things up a...
Ugh...
Excuse me.
I'm thinking to...
try dating again
a little bit, you know?
Yeah, I gave up on
women a long time ago.
You bust your fucking ass...
and what do you get?
Empty fucking bank account?
Getting bitched at all the time?
It's a fucking fool's errand!
You know, Olsen,
I was thinking that maybe
we could be friends again.
But I guess...
I sort of forgot...
what a toxic soul-draining
vampire you really are.
And by the way, those
grapes have turned.
(HORNS HONKING)
MAN: Pull over, dumb-ass!
It's my dad's car!
WOMAN: Nice driving, asshole!
Everybody's in a hurry.
Hey, could you
hand me that chicken?
Oh, sure. Here.
Hold this.
Okay.
(SQUEAKING)
Okay.
Twelve dollars?
Oh, my God.
Are you fucking serious?
That's twelve dollars?
Oh, I know.
It is a total racket.
They know that pet
owners are all damaged
and neurotic and we will...
happily throw our money
at the most nonsensical
crap just to...
buy a little affection.
Yeah. Yeah, no shit.
No shit.
(CLATTERS)
(SOFTLY) Oh, shit.
(ENGINE STARTING)
What the fuck?
I am so, so, so sorry.
My, uh...
I'm just not used to this car.
It's actually okay.
It's fine.
Well, it looks like
you have maybe a crack
or a crease or a dent.
That was already there.
Why don't we exchange
information?
Just in case...
You know.
It looked like
he did it on purpose.
It's fine, okay?
It's fine. Thank you.
But excuse me!
Before you go, um...
(CHUCKLES) ls there any
chance that we could, uh...
maybe go out sometime?
I felt like we had a spark
or something back there.
Why does every fucking psycho
always pick on me, man?
What the fuck
did I ever do wrong?
Get away from my car.
(ENGINE STARTS)
I'm not a psycho, lady.
What the heck
crawled up her ass?
Yeah, no kidding.
I'd be pretty stoked
if some random guy
tapped my car just to
get into my pants.
MAN: My, my, my,
my, my, my, my, my, my
My angel lover
My, my, my, my, my, my, my
My angel lover
Oh, Christ, I haven't
done this in a long time.
Me, neither. I don't get
asked out on too many dates.
Oh, men can be cruel.
Looks aren't all that
important to me.
Whoa. That's good.
Wow, this place has got
1,748 reviews on Yelp.
And what the hell
does that even mean?
(WILSON LAUGHS)
Yelp.
Aren't you a little old
to be doing all that
computer stuff?
(LAUGHS)
I'm totally addicted.
You know, it just feels
so undignified to me.
I mean, in the end
you're just sitting
all alone staring at a screen.
It's just so sad.
I would be a lot
lonelier without it,
that's for sure.
Have you ever
been married? Kids?
No.
I lived with this guy
for six years once,
but then one day
he just says, "Guess what!"
"I'm a big homo...
"and I find all women
totally disgusting."
Jeez. You know, my wife
left me 17 years ago.
Walked out, got an abortion.
Moved to L.A. No explanation.
Nothing.
My one chance at a family, poof.
Yeah, everything was fine
all that time
until he just up and says...
"I'm into dudes," you know?
I'm done with her.
I just need to move on,
find somebody new.
Not you necessarily, but...
Did you ever do
a People-finder search,
or even just Google?
Well, my friend
tried it once, but nothing.
Forget it, I'm done.
I'll find her.
What's her name?
(CHUCKLES)
Pippi. My Ex? Uh...
Pippi.
Pippi what?
Pippi Carmichael.
But like I said,
you won't find a...
Here's
a Polly Carmichael-Wiggins.
Wait. Are you serious?
Uh, yeah.
That's her sister.
(CHUCKLES)
Well, she's all over here.
She's got a big presence.
Really? So...
Oh, yikes! That's...
Yeah, that's her.
Yeah, she's right over
there in Silverdale.
So...
after six years, this
guy's all, "I love you,
"but I just don't see
a future for us."
And I'm like, "I get it, dude.
You're into penis.
"So am I. But...
"couldn't you have
just told me that
"before I let myself
go all to shit?"
(LAUGHING)
(CHUCKLES)
WILSON: Recognize this voice?
Because I recognize yours.
No.
No.
Uh-uh.
Nope.
No, see it's Wilson!
(SIGHS)
Jesus Christ, Polly, spare me
the history lesson, okay?
I'm just...
calling to find out
if there's any news from Pippi.
Hmm.
Got to be around here somewhere.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
Watch your door.
Thank you.
Excuse me, sir?
Just a second.
Watch the door.
Quick question:
Can you tell me where
a guy could find some
pussy in this town?
Oh, you're looking
for a strip club, huh?
Uh... Well, no,
that's for suckers.
I'm looking for the kind
you can actually fuck.
Looking for a hooker?
That's it, exactly.
I'm looking
for my ex-wife.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Hey. How you doing?
Oh, good.
Can I ask you something?
Sure.
What's going on?
Okay.
Have you ever seen this woman?
Now, this is
an old picture, so she...
probably looks much,
much worse now.
Bruises from the drug use
and beatings.
Frizzy coke hair.
Waxy skin.
You, of all people,
know the drill.
Her name's Pippi,
but I'm sure she's got some...
florid nom de guerre now
like, uh...
"Klimaxx" or something.
I don't know no Klimaxx.
According to her sister,
she recently located
back here from L.A.
I'm sorry, I don't know her.
Okay. Well, in that case,
I guess I'll...
take a blowjob then.
All right.
Ooh.
I should've brought my wallet.
WILSON: Belinda, do you
know where Pippi is?
BELINDA: Stay the fuck
away from us.
We don't want nothing to do
with that crazy bitch.
Don't talk to him.
Look. It's torture for me
to see you guys, too...
especially hatch
hatchet-face over here...
but I need to know
if you've seen Pippi.
She's working at some
restaurant by the lake.
That's all we know.
Now please...
fuck off.
A restaurant?
What restaurant?
Fuck off!
(SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, we close
at 9:00 tonight. Sorry.
Oh, no, that's okay.
I just wanted to ask...
Do you have a Pippi
working here?
Like Pippi Longstocking?
Oh...
You don't ever want
to call her that.
Her sister says that
she's fallen on hard times.
You know, drugs, prostitution,
who knows what else.
I guess she's trying to get her
shit back together, but...
I blame her father.
Rich Republican prick.
But that's a pretty good way
to get back at him, I suppose.
"Hey, I'm blowing strangers
for drug money, Daddy.
"What do you
think of me now?"
This looks
like Lynne. Lynne!
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Two Pinot Noir, please!
I don't get the Lynne thing.
Why "Lynne"?
I thought you hated "Lynne."
Excuse me.
Just let me get through.
Wilson.
Jesus Christ, man!
I'm just trying to get
my life together
and make a clean start.
Why would you show up
and say that shit?
I can't get over
how amazing you look.
I thought you'd be some...
nasty, skanky, rat-haired,
snaggle-toothed...
sore-infested ho.
But look...
it's like you came
through the gauntlet
without a scratch!
Wilson, you showed up at my work
and called me a crack whore.
In front of Melissa!
Well, you know what?
I didn't know!
I was afraid you were living
with a biker gang or something.
You can't imagine all the stuff
running through my head...
from the shit
that Polly told me.
You talked to Polly?
Yeah, I mean...
Who the fuck
does she think she is?
She doesn't know the first
goddamn thing about my life.
And now she's saying bullshit
to everybody about me?
No. No!
(SIGHS)
(BREATHING DEEPLY)
I'm not doing this.
I'm not.
Because this is exactly
what she wants!
I am cooling out.
Mmm-hmm.
Doesn't know a goddamn
thing about my business.
I always told you that she
was a nightmare, remember?
Wilson, you said that
about everybody.
Was I wrong?
(CHUCKLES)
What do you want, Wilson?
My dad died and, uh...
Robert moved away,
so I'm all alone...
MOW.
I miss you, Pippi.
Yeah.
Shit. I wasn't...
I wasn't supposed to drink.
Huh?
Can this really be the
same Pippi who used to...
smoke and drink and
curse and fart and belch?
She was a disgusting pig.
Well, there was
never a dull moment,
that's for sure.
(WILSON CHUCKLES)
Pippi?
You were the only person
who ever bothered
to get to know the real me.
And I knew the real you.
The real Pippi.
And I think that maybe...
maybe I still know her.
It's been really hard.
I had some bad years.
I am so...
proud of you.
(EXHALES)
You're doing so good.
You're an amazing woman.
What's this?
(DOG WHINES)
No, no, no.
Pepper, down.
Fuck!
What?
Sorry, she's a little
bit overprotective.
Shit, I can't believe
you still live here.
Oh, I know, it's great, but...
you know, I can't help but think
it would've been great
if you just...
had the baby, and then we'd...
still have lived
together all those years.
And who knows what our
life might have been like.
P.T.A. meetings...
Guinea pigs...
Piano lessons...
You're totally
out of your mind, man.
If you had had the baby,
it would have forced us
to grow up.
You know?
I did have the baby.
What?
I had a little girl.
What are you talking about?
I put her up for adoption...
before I went to L.A.
Pippi...
you need to tell me right now
if you're joking around.
Wilson, we sent you papers.
No, I don't know anything
about what you're talking about.
She got adopted.
You had a baby?
Yeah.
I'm... I'm a father?
Kind of.
I am a father.
Why not?
I'm a father?
I'm a father?!
I'm a father!
Yes! Yes!
So...
how's business?
Terrible. Everybody just
does it themselves now.
When I talked to you
on the phone...
I pictured some guy with
an Army buddy on the force...
He gets all his info from
a blind guy on the corner...
Nope.
Nope.
Where the hell's
that goddamn file?
Cocksucker!
Oh, here's what I got.
"Claire Cassiday,
Parker Day High School."
You sure about that?
I do my best
with the information provided
but no guarantees.
(PRINTER WHIRRING)
Okay
Here she is.
Could lose a few pounds.
Couldn't we all.
Here we go. Fish and chips.
Enjoy, guys.
When are you done?
Wilson. I can't.
We're short tonight.
No, I got a great
surprise for you.
WOMAN: Excuse me!
Could I get this with the aioli
on the side as I requested?
I'm so sorry. Let me take
that back right away.
And we still haven't
seen that Bruschetta.
I'll get that right away.
No, no.
Wilson, I can't wait.
Please, I'll lose my job!
It's your daughter.
Isn't she beautiful?
Excuse me. We have
tickets to Wicked and...
Hey, dickhead!
Shut the fuck up!
Can't you see that this woman
is having a profound moment?
(SIGHS)
Somehow I just can't process
that this is your place.
I mean...
Don't get me wrong,
it's, uh, really...
nice.
Very tasteful. I just...
It's a sublet, dumb-ass!
(EXCLAIMS IN RELIEF)
Thank God.
So...
what do you want
to do about this?
Wilson, I've seen it.
Don't you do
another goddamn thing.
I can't even catch my
breath around you. Enough!
I'm not talking about anything
major, Pippi. I mean...
don't you want to
see her in the flesh?
(SIGHS)
What are you saying now?
What do you want to do,
stalk her?
(LAUGHING)
Holy Christ, Pippi.
Where do you come up
with this shit?
Why the hell do people
move to the suburbs?
It's like a living death.
Wilson, what are we doing?
(SIGHS) What?
I never...
stopped loving you, Pippi.
I stopped loving you.
Ouch.
Well...
(WILSON SIGHS)
I spent so many years hating you
and now I can't even
remember why.
I guess it drove me nuts
that I was such
a fucking mess...
and nothing I did
ever scared you away.
Well, you remember this?
Mmm.
Yeah.
29 stitches.
Yeah.
That almost scared me away.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(GASPS) Shh, shh, shh.
They're on the move!
They're on the move.
Wait! What are you doing?
I told you. I just want
to get a glimpse of her.
But you just saw her!
Get down! Down, down.
Shit.
Up, up'
(ENGINE STARTING)
Wilson, just let this go.
No, we got to go.
Wilson!
(PIPPI WHINING)
Okay, the coast is clear.
Cool it, Wilson.
Jesus.
Oh...
We made that.
GIRL: Hey, it's Claire.
Hi, Claire.
What's up, Claire?
Why are you here?
They having a sale
on big-ass clown clothes?
Go die, asshole.
BOY: Oh...
I'm sorry,
what did you say to me?
Oh, no.
What did you say to me, bitch?
Hey, Claire,
Jenny Craig's over here.
Fat-ass bitch!
Where are you going?
Hey!
You need to shut the fuck
up, you little prick!
Watch yourself, asshole.
No, you watch it!
That's my daughter!
Wilson, not now!
Bad timing!
You little son of a bitch!
Get off me, asshole!
No! Let go!
I'm not letting go!
Let it go!
Wilson!
I'm gonna kick his ass!
(SOBBING)
Believe me, Pippi gave
you a true gift...
by giving you away,
because we were in no
position to be parents.
I was told that
she was an unfit mother.
Oh, you were told the truth.
She was on the street,
strung out on drugs...
comforting strangers.
I never was on the street.
Look, it doesn't...
Don't get bogged down
in the details right now.
We're just thrilled to finally
have the opportunity
to get to meet you!
And if you're wondering about
the lack of
family resemblance...
you couldn't tell it
by looking at her,
but she used to be a real hippo.
Your grandpa wrote
a well-regarded novel
about Melville, and...
Pippi's Maternal Grandfather
was a famous judge
in Ohio, and...
Shit!
I have to go.
Oh...
Well, it's been...
truly amazing getting a chance
to have this time with you.
Okay, bye-
Okay-
Bye.
Bye.
(LAUGHING GIDDILY)
I'm not some
strung-out skank, man!
Pippi, is that all that you took
from this experience?
Well, we just totally
ambushed her!
I thought we were
just gonna hide out.
I can honestly say...
I have never seen
anything more beautiful...
than the look on your face...
when you first saw her.
You were...
glowing-
I guess it was good
we got to see her, right?
I feel like maybe
I can stop worrying.
And I'll let her go.
Thanks.
WILSON: I think
you're right, Pippi.
She certainly doesn't need
any help from us.
It's like she has
that miserable,
anguished look...
like you had
when I first met you.
Of course, you turned out okay.
In the long run.
Oh, Pippi.
Oh, Pippi!
(SOBBING)
(HORN HONKING)
Hi, there.
(SNIFFLES)
What do you want?
Well, I just didn't feel like
we got closure to our, uh...
you know,
little introduction, and I...
I can't believe I just used
the word "closure," but...
Why the fuck is everyone
up my butt today?
Up your...? No.
What the hell's wrong?
Hey, come on, hop in.
I'll give you a ride.
No, thanks.
I'll get the bus.
No, no, I'll give you a ride.
Claire! I can't stand
to see you like this. Please.
Come on.
(SIGHS)
(WILSON EXHALES)
(CLEARS THROAT)
How about I take you
for ice cream?
Is that supposed to be funny?
Yeah, let's get the fat
girl some ice cream.
Hey, not everybody's
out to get you, Claire.
Well, that's what it
fucking feels like!
Is it those jerks from the mall?
Because I'll kick the
shit out of them.
It's everybody.
Okay, I'll kick the shit
out of everybody then.
It is a given
that every decent person
who ever lived got shit
on in high school.
I'm sure they picked on
Copernicus, for fuck sake.
It's a badge of honor.
However...
that does not mean
that you have to sit back
and get reamed for four years.
So is there
one particular asshole?
Yeah.
Monika the bitch.
Monika?
Monika.
Now, is there like a creepy
teacher or janitor or...?
Mr. Naisbitt.
Ah, okay.
"Monika, Monika, you blow
"Mr. Naisbitt
like a harmonica."
You see how that rhymed?
That's just a bonus.
No, "you blow Mr.
Naisbitt's Syphilitic Dong
"like a harmonica."
Eaugh! Too far.
Yeah.
You passed my house.
How could you tell?
No, the Cassidays seem
like wonderful people.
I was thinking
I should arrange a meeting
so we can all be
on the same page together.
That's a horrible idea.
I bet...
your mom does some fancy
cooking in here, huh?
We never use any of this shit.
My mom can't even
work the stove.
Well...
They took in an innocent baby
and raised it as their own.
Folks like that
are the heroes of this world.
(SARCASTICALLY)
Mmm.
Yeah, they could spend
a little more time with you.
Yeah.
I mean, I could do without
all the over-compensatory
display of class privileges...
but...
I mean, Christ, what
kind of example is that?
It's like they're laughing
at the next generation.
(MOCKING LAUGHTER)
"We used up all your resources.
Fuck you."
I always wondered
how I got like this.
No. No. I'm not
doing that, Wilson.
Come on, it'll be fun.
I haven't been there
since I was a kid.
Wilson! You know I'm not
talking about that.
Look.
For better or worse, Pippi,
we have totally
freaked this girl out.
Yeah.
And it is our duty
to make sure that
she doesn't have
some major meltdown.
You know? I mean,
can you imagine
what she's going through?
No! No fucking way. Of course I can't.
Can you?
She's a sweet kid
with two crazy people
stalking her.
We're not stalking her.
Wilson.
And how many times
do I have to tell you
what I'm going through, huh?
I am barely making it
through each day.
And you're expecting this
huge emotional commitment...
while you're dragging me along
for this insane
fucking insta-family?
Pippi, it is that commitment...
that is exactly what you need
to help you move forward.
Trust me, I know.
(GROANING)
You're an asshole!
Goddamn it!
What is in there?
Pippi?
Goddamn it!
Calm yourself.
Fuck!
This is why I left you
in the first place.
You think you know it all.
You don't!
You don't know shit about shit!
Are you done?
WILSON: Wow! So cool!
You must have been here
a million times, huh?
Nope.
My mom's scared of poor people.
Perfect!
It's all ours then.
Thank you. Whoo!
This used to seem
so huge when I was a kid.
Hey, you guys ready
to take it for a spin?
You're embarrassing her.
This is a little kid ride.
I'm not embarrassed.
Come on, Pippi,
you don't have to be
such a lump
on a log. Hop in.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING ON PA)
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)
You guys are so beautiful.
(CAMERA CLICKS)
Ugh.
They're watching us.
Stop it, deer.
(CHUCKLES)
Any kids?
Yeah.
How old?
They're six and fifteen.
Why?
Oh, nothing. I just have
a 17-year-old daughter.
She's quite a handful.
(SIGHS)
She's going through a
rough patch with her mom.
You know how they
are at this age.
My oldest is going through
the same thing. (SCOFFS)
You have to remember that
they're just kids, you know?
They still need to know
you love them...
as hard as that
may be sometimes.
Yeah.
You know, that's...
Thank you.
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
You're a wise man.
Nice cock, by the way.
(TOILET FLUSHING)
Pippi?
(CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey!
(ALL SCREAMING)
WILSON: Hey, hey.
(LAUGHS)
They grow up so fast.
FUCK you!
What a day!
Can you imagine...
how much bird feces
is in this park?
What time is it?
Well...
Don't you have your phone?
Are you kidding me?
That's unbelievable.
This thing has been right
on time for like two weeks.
Shit.
Anyway, time is like,
you know...
Here and now is where we're at.
Claire?
Hey, Dad.
(PIPPI SHUSHING)
Oh.
Sorry.
Okay!
Okay, bye.
Bye! Bye! (G ROANS)
You know, I heard
you call him "Dad"
and I wonder if he realizes
how lucky he really is.
I better go.
Okay
Okay, well, hey,
let me give you a hug.
I really have enjoyed this time.
Next time we'll do
something fun like maybe...
get a pogo stick
or something, or...
Frisbee.
Frisbee'd be easier probably.
See ya.
Bye!
Watch out for the bird shit!
(DOG BARKS)
Hey, hey, Pepper.
Cut it out.
PIPPI: I think she's
disappointed in me.
No, it's just she's
all desperate and needy.
She can tell when someone
doesn't love her.
Not the dog, stupid.
Who, Claire?
You're nuts.
Did you see the way
she was looking at you?
Really?
(SCOFFS)
Magical.
Oh, Christ.
Fucking Polly, man.
Why can't she leave me alone?
Delete.
Bullshit.
(CHUCKLING)
What?
(LAUGHING)
What?
I just had
this thought of like...
What if I showed up
with you and Claire?
I was at her front door
and we're all like,
"This is my family, bitch."
(LAUGHING) I'd love
to see her face!
Right? Yes!
No, no, don't laugh.
We have to do that.
I am not going to her stupid
suburban shithole life.
But there's nothing
nuts about that.
Look, look, just...
all of the shit that
you've been through...
and you've come out
the other side
better than she'll ever be.
And it's a great chance
for your daughter
to see who you are.
She's not
our real daughter, man.
I know. I know, Pippi.
I mean, she's never
gonna live with us.
But she's always
gonna be a part of us.
I don't want to live
in a fantasy world.
Yeah, well...
how's reality
working out for you?
You know, the wife
is not a big dog person.
What are you gonna do?
How could anyone not love you?
I bet you can't take
two steps on the sidewalk
without someone
wanting to pet you.
Oh, it is kind of disturbing actually.
It's like...
"Hello there, up here!
I'm an actual human being.
"I can do math and...
"drive a car and cook
food and do tiddlywinks...
"and masturbate."
(LAUGHING)
I didn't know you were married.
Oh, yeah. Wife, kids,
the whole shebang.
Nice.
Claire, your folks
are okay with you coming?
I just told them it was
a weekend trip with Hannah.
They don't give a shit.
They're just thrilled
I have a fucking friend.
Okay...
this is a family outing.
Let's try to keep it PG-13.
That's just how I talk.
Okay, well, in that case...
Swear all the fuck you want!
(WILSON LAUGHING)
You're fucking crazy.
Let's face it,
this is pretty great.
Look, even Pippi's happy!
(LAUGHING)
Why not, right? Fuck!
I spent my whole life
feeling like shit
about myself, you know?
Never enjoyed a goddamn thing.
Fuck that, right?
Yeah, fuck that completely.
Fuck it!
Yes!
(SIGHS)
WOMAN: (SINGING ON RADIO)
Here's my number
So call me maybe
And all the other boys
Try to chase me
That killed the mood.
Killed it. Stop.
WILSON: That's terrible.
Turn it off. Turn it off!
Oh, God!
What obnoxious drivel.
Hey, I just met you
And this is crazy
But here's my num...
Oh, God.
Oh, come on, chin up.
This is gonna be fun.
Fuck, we're so late.
Stop.
Oh, honey!
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi, Will! Remember me?
Of course. Wilson.
(CHUCKLING)
Oh, you guys...
Yeah, this is, uh...
Polly and Will.
And this is your niece, Claire.
Oh, Claire,
it's great to meet you.
Come in. Please.
Wow.
Mmm-mmm.
Sorry.
WILSON: Hey, Polly...
you look great.
Thank you.
I don't mean that
in a salacious way at all.
I just think you look great.
Thanks.
Don't you think she looks...
You do, too, Will!
Thanks.
(WHISPERS)
What's the boy's name?
Cooper.
Cooper!
The last time I saw you...
you were two or three years old.
You were trying to get your mom
to pick up some Legos and...
you were literally
just freaking out!
And at the time
I thought that you guys
were terrible parents...
but I didn't get it
like I do now.
I used to be way over
on the nurture side
of the nature/nurture debate...
but not anymore.
I mean, look at her.
Look! The way
she holds her fork
is exactly like Pippi.
And just
a million things, like...
she has my mom's
little half-smile.
And then she has Pippi's
sarcastic laugh and...
my temper. I mean,
DNA, it's just...
it's truly unbelievable.
Coop's heading
to Duke in the fall.
(CHUCKLING)
It's hard to believe.
(POLLY CHUCKLES)
Coops!
(CLEARS THROAT)
And Jenny's already halfway
through law school.
Oh, Christ, I forgot
you had another one.
I totally forgot.
So is she my cousin?
(IN BRITISH ACCENT)
Oh, brilliant, Watson!
Definite college material.
(CHUCKLES)
What are you gonna major
in, brain surgery?
(LAUGHING)
So, Claire, have you been
thinking about school yet?
Fuck, no.
(LAUGHS)
You see?
Now, that is pure Wilson.
Here's to you, Claire.
(IN BRITISH ACCENT)
And to you, Coop!
Coop!
Why Golf Matters.
I feel like I'm doing fieldwork
among the natives or something.
We shouldn't have come here.
What?
Mmm-mmm.
She'll always find a way to win.
What are you talking about?
Look at us, Wilson!
We're something
out of a horror movie!
We're all pasty and bald
and bitter and...
lonely and...
(G ROANS)
Hey... they're all fancy and...
I would rather have our daughter
than that creepy little kid
any day of the week.
It's not really our daughter!
Stop it, Pippi!
(WHISPERS)
Stop it! Stop it!
Pippi, we're here on vacation.
I can't.
(SHUSHING)
Let's just try to have fun.
You know?
Yeah.
CLAIRE: How come
you're so quiet?
(WILSON CHUCKLES)
Oh, Well, I...
Some of my best times
with my mom were spent, um...
not saying a word, just...
just sitting together
in the same room...
feeling...
the connection.
Like a chemical thing.
You know, I always
used to try to imagine
what you were like.
My "real dad."
(WILSON CHUCKLES)
Well, I hope you're not
too disappointed.
Nah.
You're cool.
(PIPPI GROANS)
They went for a walk.
Oh.
Oh, God.
(GROANING)
Oh.
Thanks.
Aw, Pippi.
I was afraid
I'd never see you again.
Yeah.
I want you to know
that I fully understand
why you didn't
come to Dad's funeral.
And I also know that things were
tougher for you after I left.
(CHUCKLING) Oh?
Yeah?
Maybe they were a little
bit tougher for me?
Yeah.
So, it's good to see
you wanting a family.
That says a lot to me.
And I know that I've said
some negative things
about Wilson in the past, but...
(SIGHS)
(CLICKS TONGUE)
So, what are Claire's
real parents like?
Are they okay?
Amazing.
Mmm.
Super rich.
Mmm-hmm.
Super well-educated.
Yeah, they got
a big house. Like...
way bigger than this place.
That's great.
Mmm-hmm.
And how did Claire's
parents feel about
you and Wilson making
contact like that?
Or was that their idea?
They must really trust you
to let her stay here
for the weekend.
Yup.
I mean... (SIGHS)
Do they know about your...
troubles?
They're really cool with me.
Mmm-hmm.
Do Claire's parents even
know where she is, Pippi?
Oh, my God, Polly!
Ugh! Look at you!
You're still just playing
Little Miss Perfect.
Kissing Dad's ass,
staying all quiet
while I spoke up
for the both of us...
and I'm the low-life
scumbag?
I knew I shouldn't
have come back here.
I heard Claire on the
phone this morning.
She told her mom
she was staying at
a beach house
with her friend Hannah.
You're a fucking cunt!
(SHRIEKING)
(GRUNTS)
When you're a kid,
you have all this future.
This potential.
But when you get to be my age,
you kind of look at things
in a different way.
You're kind of living
more in the moment.
Things like this lake
and the ducks...
Shit like this
becomes so damn huge.
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMING)
Ow!
FUCK you!
Get away from me, Pippi!
Oh, oh, oh!
Stop it! Pippi!
I'm getting fucking
tired of this bullshit!
No, Pippi! (GROANS)
(SHOUTING)
(FROG CROAKING)
Oh, oh, oh! Look.
Oh. Ooh.
(CROAKING CONTINUES)
A little woodland creature.
You know, they haven't
changed at all
since the time of the dinosaurs.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, you're so cute.
Ooh, what's your name?
What did the frog
say to the fly?
(LAUGHING)
That's right.
(CHUCKLING)
Big drinkers, though.
Big, huge drinkers.
(INDISTINCT ARGUING)
POLLY: There he is!
Come here.
What?
Get over here.
(STAMMERS) What's going on?
Guys? No, I didn't
do anything!
PIPPI: Wilson...
(SOBBING) ...I lost it.
WILSON: Pippi?
OFFICER: Come on, let's go.
Pippi, what's going on?
PIPPI: Just don't
say anything.
Polly!
It's called kidnapping!
OFFICER: Sit down.
(POLICE RADIO CHATTER)
Pippi?
Claire?
(CAR ENGINE STARTING)
(SIREN WAILING)
This is nuts!
She's my daughter. How
could this be kidnapping?
Well, the parents
are pretty P.O'-ed.
It's hard to blame them.
She is just 17.
Whose side are you on?
Don't worry.
We'll let them cool down
and then we'll work
something out.
You got a clean record.
What about Pippi?
Did they charge her
with something?
I don't know.
I heard they offered
her some deal.
Damn it! Ahh!
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
(MAN YELLING INDISTINCTLY)
What are you looking at?
That is quite a tattoo.
Mmm. How's that?
It's like the ultimate
argument ender.
Like, "No, I don't want
your fucking job. In fact...
(CLEARS THROAT) "I want to
destroy your entire society.
"Fuck you."
(CHUCKLING)
What'd you say, bitch?
(STAMMERING)
No, I'm not... I like it.
It's like an acknowledgment
to a whole other generation...
(GROANS)
(GRUNTING)
Whoa, whoa!
(TASER CRACKLING)
Ahh!
(DOOR ALARM BUZZES)
(DOOR CLOSES)
Hi.
(WILSON SIGHS)
(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMEN ON PA)
PRIEST: It doesn't matter if
you're out of here 20 years,
living on an island.
You will never be
truly free until
you've been washed
in the blood of the Lamb.
A believer stuck 10
years in the shoe...
is freer than any man
who disdains the Word.
WILSON: Mmm.
That is beautiful,
beautiful stuff.
Have you always been a...
God-fearing man, Pastor?
I've tried to be.
Oh, what a gift.
I wish my parents
had done that for me.
I've spent so much time
trying to make sense of it all.
Well, it's never too late.
(CHUCKLES)
Well, yeah, I guess.
I mean, at a certain point...
no rational man's gonna buy into
all this crazy mumbo jumbo.
Let's be realistic.
You got to have it ingrained...
before you develop
any real sense of, you know...
reason.
I mean, unless you...
get brain damage or something.
(LAUGHING)
Yeah.
(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMEN ON PA)
Oh, hello, brother.
(GRUNTING)
WILSON: "The Lord is my
shepherd; "I shall not want."
"He maketh me lie down
in green pastures."
He maketh me lie down
in green pastures.
"He leadeth me
beside the still waters."
He leadeth me
beside the still waters.
"He restoreth my soul."
He restoreth my soul.
So I grabbed this asshole
by the lapels...
and I said, "Look, I don't
care if you are a nun...
"I'm gonna fucking,
shit, fucking punch..."
Fuck, yeah!
(ALL CHEERING)
Wassup, bro?
Hey.
How you doing, man?
You staying out of trouble?
MAN: Yo, Wilson!
Wassup, man?
Hey, man.
Wassup, hippie? Hey.
How's my favorite hippie?
Hey, don't eat
the chocolate cake.
Gave me the shits earlier.
There's more pieces than
there is puzzle left. Look.
These are that color
and there ain't no
blanks in that color.
GUARD: Hey, Wilson!
You got a visitor.
A what?
(DOOR CLOSES)
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
I can't believe it's you.
It's me.
It's two and a half years.
I never heard a word.
I, uh...
I tried to get
my lawyer to find you.
I even tried
to go through Polly.
Oh, she was on the Warpath.
I have thought of you every day.
A thousand times.
I'm sorry, Wilson.
I was just, uh...
It got really bad.
I knew there was a reason.
I'm sorry,
I'm... I'm so happy.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
When Claire turned on
me at the trial...
I don't think
I've ever been more devastated.
I just thank you for not
testifying against me.
Yeah, but I should've been
up there fighting for you.
(MUTTERING)
I wondered about that.
I could've been there
for you, and I...
I totally failed you, Wilson.
But you're here now.
I am.
And I have to thank you, Wilson.
You believed in me
when nobody else ever did.
Oh, Pippi.
Now that I'm pulling it
together here...
I feel like I'm ready
for an actual relationship.
(LAUGHING)
And that's why...
Tucker and I are
moving to Australia.
(GASPS)
(STAMMERS)
What did...?
(LAUGHS)
I just... Could you...?
Did you...? Did you...?
Tucker?
Yeah, my sponsor.
Or he was my sponsor.
I know that sounds
really bad, right?
But we went through a lot.
So...
I think you'd like him, Wilson.
Yeah, I'm sure I...
I'm sure I would.
Hey-
Maybe we don't have to
be miserable forever.
(PIPPI CHUCKLES)
Maybe we could find our
way to being happy.
(BOTH SNIFFLE)
Pippi?
(DOOR OPENS)
(WILSON SOBBING)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
What the fuck
are you looking at?
(SHUSHING)
Thank you.
So...
What's been going on
in the world?
I don't know. Nothing.
Tell me, friend, have you
heard the good news?
Oh, no, I'm...
No, thanks.
I'm just fucking with you!
(LAUGHING)
Jesus doesn't give a shit.
No, I just got out of prison.
36 months hard time with
the lowest scum imaginable.
Oh... But I made it
out the other end.
Yeah.
Insert ass-rape
joke here.
(LAUGHING)
I'm not gonna, you know,
slice your throat
for a deck of smokes.
I'm all done with that life.
Are you headed to school?
Yeah.
Yeah? Oh, good for you.
Good boy.
Yeah, I'm just headed home.
Just me and a mangy old
dog, if she even...
remembers me.
That's her.
Oh, sorry... That's my ex.
(CHUCKLES)
(CHUCKLES)
No, here's the dog.
Oh, she's cool.
It's so nice
talking with someone
who isn't fucking psychotic!
You know?
We got a nice long
journey ahead of us.
Yeah, a couple of hours.
Yeah.
"Cyndi's Cupcakery?"
What happened
to the used bookstore?
(EXHALES)
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
SHELLY: Is that you,
Diana?
It's me, Wilson.
Pepper's dad!
Hi.
You can't believe what
happened to me, Shelly.
(SIGHS)
Um...
Where's all your dog stuff?
Well, I'm not sitting anymore.
So where is she?
Pepper?
Well, Wilson...
even when I stopped sitting,
Pepper was the only dog I kept.
She was such
a wonderful little girl.
Was?
I'm sorry.
(SIGHS)
She got so sick, Wilson.
And in the end
she could barely even...
She could barely
even lift her little head.
(WAILING)
I tried to find you. I did.
And someone said that
you were in jail, and I just...
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Pepper.
(AFFECTIONATELY) I'll never
use this voice again.
WILSON: Good-bye, Pepper.
You were a true friend.
Every minute in your
presence was a blessing
and your joy
over the simplest of
pleasures was humbling
and inspirational.
You were the pride
of the neighborhood,
the brightener
of a thousand days.
To see a stranger's eyes tear
at the memory of a similar pet
is to know the inherent
goodness of your kind.
You...
Urinated.
urinated...
on my address book
and chewed up two sofas...
Three.
Three, but...
(SNIFFLES)
in doing so, you taught us
the utter worthlessness
of those things.
We celebrate you, Pepper.
(CRYING) You and all your
brothers and sisters
in the animal family.
We vow to honor
and protect your kind
and oppose
with all our heart those...
who would harm or degrade
any living creature in any way.
Amen.
So whatever happened
with you and Francisco?
Diego?
(CHUCKLING)
He turned out to be
a real asshole.
Oh, jeez, I knew it!
You know, those
guys who come off
all emotional and caring,
they're bad news.
You deserve to be
treated with respect.
(SIGHS)
I guess I'm just not used
to all this walking.
So what was prison like?
They say that there's no
such thing as rehabilitation
and people come out worse
than they go in, but I...
kind of feel like it helped...
turn me into an adult.
(CHUCKLES) Finally.
Breathe.
(INHALES SHARPLY)
You're so tight.
Flip over on your tummy.
Tummy, okay.
Whoa.
(EXHALES)
I think that you and I have
a lot to teach each other.
Huh.
You're so open and fearless.
(WILSON GRUNTS)
I'm always worrying what
other people are thinking
and second guessing
every single little thing.
Well, you know,
I wish I'd have
started this years ago.
I spent so much time
pining after my ex
and moping like an idiot.
I'm ready for...
a real relationship.
Someone with a...
kind heart
and an open demeanor
and a gentle spirit...
Motherfucker!
(BONE CRACKING)
Ahh!
WILSON: Call me a caveman
or whatever, but...
I still say the world
was a better place
before everybody had
one of those damn things
in their house.
I want to hear this.
I just need
to finish this email.
I mean, I feel like I'm fading
into oblivion
While...
everyone else is
scampering to keep up.
Fifty years from now,
there won't even be
the slightest trace
of my existence.
Nothing.
Like...
(LAUGHS) Like
I never existed at all.
Mmm. It's horrible.
(BOTH MOANING)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
(TRANQUIL MUSIC PLAYING)
(BOTH PANTING)
I just have to...
It might be George
about tomorrow.
Hello?
No.
No.
Look, he has no interest
in talking to you, and we'd...
just prefer
if you don't call this
number anymore, okay?
Thank you.
Who the hell was that?
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Wow.
Hi.
You look so...
grown up.
Thanks.
You look good, too.
Oh! Well, you know,
if you'd have seen me
when I first got out...
forty months
of eating pure crap and...
sitting in a little room
with a window this wide...
I looked like a fungus.
Mmm.
So, uh, did you hear
from your mother?
You know,
she's run off to Australia
with her N.A. sponsor.
Yeah.
Tucker.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
She emailed me before she left.
Yeah, like
they don't have cocaine
in Australia or something.
Look, Claire, I'm gonna
need some kind of apology
or something.
Some acknowledgment
of the unconscionable way
that you turned on me
at the trial.
Look, I was a kid.
I did exactly what my
parents told me to do.
And I am sorry, but...
I had no idea how to
deal with a crazy,
chaotic situation like that.
Okay, look, Polly and
prison and Australia,
none of it matters to me.
But to see you get up
on that stand
and say those things about me!
Look, I'm sorry, Wilson.
I really, really am. But...
it's not why I'm here.
I'm going to have a baby.
And I thought I should
tell you in person.
I guess I wanted to know
if he was gonna
have any weird diseases
or something.
But I mean, you're
just a kid yourself.
(SIGHS)
Don't start with that.
I get enough of that shit
from everybody else.
I just... A baby?
A baby.
So that makes me a grandfather?
(LAUGHS)
(CHUCKLES) Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I just came here...
to shit on you
for ratting me out
to the Feds, and now this?
This is... This is...
(IMITATES EXPLOSION)
WILSON: You know,
Portland is not so bad.
I could be there to help her
with anything she needs.
What are you talking about?
I can't move to Portland.
Oh, no, I know.
I wasn't, you know,
suggesting...
I know this is a really
emotional issue for you...
but you have to accept that
she's not your daughter.
You barely know her and...
she sent you to jail,
for Chris-sake!
Okay, that's true.
Point taken.
Also, it's totally disrespectful
to the people who did raise her.
Hi, ma'am! Can I
play with your dog?
They don't need any
more stress right now.
Let me just pet him.
Sit tight. I'll be
there in 10 minutes.
Hi! Hello! You are
such a beautiful girl.
Excuse me. I got to go.
Wilson, she has to...
Wilson!
I really love you.
Hey, dude.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Wilson, she needs to go.
I'm sorry.
She has to leave.
Wilson, she needs
to leave. Wilson!
What the hell
are you doing here?
I come in peace.
I just wanted to talk
to you and your wife.
I'll get a restraining
order if I have to.
Please, I mean no harm.
Just the opposite.
I wanted a chance...
to get to know you
and Mrs. Cassiday a little.
I... I brought this
for Claire.
I thought
she might be interested
in her family tree,
and there's photos.
Yeah, well, we don't
want you or your book.
I'm asking you. Go home.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
I gave you a chance to
raise this wonderful girl.
If you love her, then...
you love a little
piece of me, too.
That's it.
I'm calling the cops.
You have everything
in the world!
Can't you just find it
in your heart?
Yeah, I have an intruder
on my property.
Uh-huh. Yes, I Will.
I'm sorry.
Thanks for taking care
of my baby. You...
did an amazing job.
Uh, yes.
Um, you know,
actually it's okay.
Yeah, false alarm.
No, I'm sorry.
Thanks very much.
CLAIRE: Hey.
Hey!
What are you still doing here?
My mom said
you were beating off.
No, I... I know...
that I fucked everything up.
I'm just asking
for the tiniest...
shred of hope
that you might someday...
let me be a small
part of your life.
What do you mean?
I'm just gonna come
right out and say it:
I want to move to Portland
and help you
with the baby and...
And...
make up for all my mistakes.
No.
Look, I can't hurt
my mom and dad anymore.
They're already freaked out
about this whole baby
thing, and I can't...
Please?
I don't think so.
Please, Claire?
I wouldn't be in your way.
Claire?
Can I at least come visit you?
The little fucker might like me.
(CHUCKLES)
Thank you.
You know,
I really have to just
take stock of my life.
Start counting my blessings.
The fact is, I got it pretty
good here with you, Shelly.
You know, I mean,
we all want people
to love us
for exactly who we are.
But that's not really
possible in this world
because we're just all too
unbearable. You know?
We got to...
make the best
of what we have, you know?
I thought you were
moving to Portland.
I did say that.
Hmm.
(CHUCKLES)
WILSON: Before this,
I was screwed.
And when it was
all said and done,
figured I'd just die
and be forgotten.
A handful of ashes
dumped in the ocean.
(RINGING)
Hi.
WILSON: Oh, my God.
(LAUGHS)
WILSON: But now...
Now there's someone to
remember me when I'm gone-
It's Grandpa Wilson,
right there!
At least until some
horrific apocalypse
wipes out the human race.
Hi.
(CRYING)
Can you hold him up
a little closer?
WILSON: We like our stories to
end with the promise of hope.
Happily ever after and all that.
Is that as clear as it gets?
Too bad real lives
don't have that structure.
Or, hell, maybe they do.
Maybe it's right there
in front of us
and we just can't see it.
(COOING)