Wishful Drinking (2010) Movie Script
( piano playing )
Carrie Fisher:
HAPPY DAYS
ARE HERE AGAIN
THE SKIES ABOVE
ARE CLEAR AGAIN...
Man: GUYS, WE'RE A ABOUT 30 MINUTES TO 8:00,
SO HOW ARE WE DOING?
SO LET'S SING A SONG
OF CHEER AGAIN
HAPPY DAYS
ARE HERE AGAIN...
Man: I HAVE BRIAN
STANDING BY FOR A MIKE CHECK
WHENEVER YOU GUYS ARE READY.
- Man #2: GREAT, THANK YOU.
- ALL TOGETHER SHOUT IT NOW
THERE'S NO ONE
WHO CAN DOUBT IT NOW
SO LET'S TELL THE WORLD
ABOUT IT NOW...
CARRIE, WHEN YOU
HAVE A MOMENT,
COULD YOU JUS COUNT ONE TO 10 FOR ME,
PLEASE, AND MOVE AROUND
A LITTLE BIT?
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR,
FIVE, SIX,
SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, 10.
THERE'LL BE NO MORE
FROM NOW ON...
- OKAY, HERE WE GO.
- FROM NOW ON...
ALL RIGHT.
HAPPY DAYS
ARE HERE AGAIN
THE SKIES ABOVE
ARE CLEAR AGAIN...
Woman:
THERE'S A BIG,
FULL HOUSE OUT THERE.
THEY'RE SETTLING THEM IN.
THEY'RE VERY EXCITED.
HAPPY TIMES,
HAPPY NIGHTS...
SORRY.
HAPPY DAYS
ARE HERE...
HI.
I'M CARRIE FISHER,
AND I'M AN ALCOHOLIC.
AGAIN.
I DIDN'T REALLY GET YOUR
AREA THAT WELL, DID I?
AWW.
THANK YOU.
HERE.
( laughter )
OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH
OF THAT.
YOU'RE VERY WELCOME.
ANYTIME.
( sighs )
OKAY, NOW...
I HAVE TO STAR BY TELLING YOU
THAT MY ENTIRE LIFE
COULD BE SUMMED UP
IN ONE PHRASE,
AND THAT IS:
IF MY LIFE
WASN'T FUNNY
IT WOULD JUS BE TRUE,
AND THAT IS COMPLETELY
UNACCEPTABLE.
NOW WHAT THA MEANS IS,
OTHER THAN
WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE,
LET'S SAY SOMETHING
HAPPENS, RIGHT?
AND FROM A CERTAIN SLAN MAYBE IT'S TRAGIC,
EVEN A LITTLE BI SHOCKING.
AND THEN TIME PASSES
AND YOU GO
TO THE FUNNY SLANT.
AND NOW
THAT VERY SAME THING
CAN NO LONGER
DO YOU ANY HARM.
SO WHAT WE'RE REALLY
TALKING ABOUT THEN
IS LOCATION LOCATION
LOCATION.
NOW AN EXAMPLE OF
THE TRAGIC AND SHOCKING
MIGHT BE:
ABOUT FIVE YEARS AGO,
FOUR MONTHS
AND NINE DAYS,
A FRIEND OF MINE
DIED AT MY HOUSE.
BUT NOT CONTEN TO SIMPLY DIE
AT MY HOUSE,
THIS GUY ALSO DIED
IN MY BED.
YEAH.
SO HE DIDN'T JUS DIE IN HIS SLEEP,
HE DIED IN MINE.
IF YOU ENTERTAIN
LIKE I DO,
REALLY TRY TO ALER YOUR GUESTS
NOT TO DO THIS, OKAY?
FOR TWO REASONS
REALLY:
A-- IT'S KIND OF
BAD MANNERS
IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT,
YOU KNOW?
AND TWO--
IT TENDS
TO THROW THE HOST,
OR HOSTESS,
OFF THEIR GAME
A LITTLE BIT, YOU KNOW,
LIKE, FOR A YEAR
OR FIVE.
GREG WAS ONE OF MY
BEST FRIENDS.
HE WAS NOT MY BOYFRIEND
OR ANYTHING, YOU KNOW.
I MEAN, HE DIDN'T DIE
IN THE SADDLE,
WHICH WOULD'VE MADE ME
THE SADDLE.
NOW IF YOU HAVE,
SERIOUSLY,
ANY QUESTIONS AT ALL
ABOUT WHAT IT'S LIKE
TO WAKE UP NEXT TO A CORPSE
WHO WAS VERY RECENTLY
A BELOVED FRIEND,
YOU COULD JUST SHOUT OU WHATEVER QUESTION YOU HAD
AND I WOULD DO MY VERY BES TO FIELD IT.
SO YOU'VE ALL WOKEN UP
WITH DEAD BODIES?
Man:
WHAT WERE YOU WEARING?
WHAT WAS I WEARING?
YOU MEAN, IF IT WAS,
LIKE, A WRONG OUTFI THAT MIGHT HAVE
KILLED HIM?
NOW ACTUALLY ONE OF MY
FAVORITE QUESTIONS
THAT I'VE BEEN ASKED IS
WAS I NAKED.
I HAVEN'T BEEN NAKED
IN 15 YEARS.
AND I HAVEN'T BEEN
SLEEVELESS IN 20.
SOME OF YOU LADIES KNOW
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
I SHOULD TELL YOU
AT THIS POIN JUST TO GET YOU
GOING HERE,
GREG WAS A REPUBLICAN,
WHICH I DO BELIEVE
CONTRIBUTED IN PAR TO HIS DEATH.
( applause )
WELL, BUT NO,
HE DID--
HE HAD A VERY VERY
SERIOUS CASE.
HE WAS A LOBBYIST,
WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY FATAL
IN SOME INSTANCES.
Woman:
WHAT WAS HE WEARING?
WHAT WAS
HE WEARING?
WHAT THE FUCK
DOES IT MATTER?
HE WAS DEAD.
THE DEAD,
CONTRARY TO RUMOR,
DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOU WHAT THEY'RE WEARING.
Woman #2:
WHO WAS THE FIRS PERSON YOU CALLED?
WHO WOULD YOU CALL
IN THAT SITUATION?
- Woman #2: I'M NOT SURE.
- Woman #3: YOUR MOTHER.
WELL YES,
THAT'S TRUE.
WELL, NOW IF YOU KNEW
MY MOTHER, MAYBE NOT.
911, OKAY?
AND THE POLICE DID COME,
AS THEY OFTEN DO
WHEN THERE ARE DEAD BODIES
STREWN ABOUT.
SO I'M ACTUALLY--
I'M STANDING
IN THE LIVING ROOM
WITH THIS POLICEMAN.
HE TURNS TO ME
AND HE SAYS,
"I REALLY LIKE
YOUR HOUSE."
MY FRIEND DAVE SAID TO ME
AT THE TIME,
"YOU KNOW, HONEY,
I KNOW THIS IS ALL
JUST A GIGANTIC
PAIN IN THE ASS."
AND I SAID,
"IF I COULD ISOLATE
THE PAIN
JUST TO MY ASS,
IT WOULD BE
FANTASTIC."
AND HE SAID, "WELL,
THAT'S THE MEDITATION
THEN."
ANYWAY, ENOUGH
ABOUT DEATH, OKAY?
I JUST--
I WANTED TO GE THAT BUMMER STORY
OUT OF THE WAY
AT THE TOP
OF THE SHOW.
NOW I WAS BORN
IN BURBANK, CALIFORNIA,
TO SIMPLE FOLK,
PEOPLE OF THE LAND.
NO, ACTUALLY.
MY FATHER WAS
A FAMOUS SINGER.
TWEEDLE DEE, TWEEDLE DEE
TWEEDLE DEE DEE
I'M AS HAPPY
AS CAN BE...
AND MY MOM--
YOU WANT TO HEAR
SOMETHING REALLY COOL?
MY MOTHER'S
A MOVIE STAR.
- ( fans cheering )
- Woman: DEBBIE, WE LOVE YOU!
SHE IS LITERALLY,
LIKE, AN ICON--
A GAY ICON,
BUT YOU TAKE YOUR
ICONIC STATURE
WHERE YOU CAN
GET IT.
MY FATHER--
HE HAD A LO OF HIT SONGS.
BUT I THINK THE ONE
HE'S BEST REMEMBERED FOR
IS THE SONG
"OH! MY PAPA"--
OH! MY PAPA...
--WHICH I LIKE
TO CALL
"OH MY FAUX PAS."
AND MY MOTHER,
SHE HAD--
SHE DID TONS OF FILMS,
YOU KNOW,
BUT PROBABLY
THE ONE SHE'S BES REMEMBERED FOR
IS THE CLASSIC FILM
"SINGING IN THE RAIN."
SHE WAS ALSO
NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR
FOR BEST ACTRESS
FOR HER WORK IN
"THE UNSINKABLE MOLLY BROWN."
BUT SHE LOS TO JULIE ANDREWS
FOR HER STUNNING,
LAYERED
AND MOVING PORTRAI OF MARY POPPINS.
I THINK IT WAS
IBSEN'S "MARY POPPINS."
AND MY MOTHER--
SHE ALSO MADE ANOTHER FILM
CALLED "TAMMY,"
WHICH WAS A HIT SONG
AS WELL,
WHICH REALLY
PISSED OFF MY DAD
'CAUSE THAT WAS
HIS AREA, YOU KNOW?
TAMMY, TAMMY
CAN'T LET HIM GO...
SHE WAS-- ACTUALLY
SHE WAS PREGNANT WITH ME
WHEN SHE FILMED
"TAMMY."
SHE WAS ALSO
PREGNANT WITH ME
IN YET ANOTHER FILM.
AND THIS ONE WAS CALLED
"A BUNDLE OF JOY,"
COSTARRING THA MARVELOUS METHOD ACTOR
EDDIE FISHER.
( swing music playing )
PREGNANT, OKAY?
OH, NOW YOU'RE GONNA SEE
LAMAZE IN THE '50s
COMING UP.
THERE IT IS.
OH YEAH.
I THINK THAT EXPLAINS
A LOT, DON'T YOU?
( applause )
YEAH.
WHEN I WAS BORN
MY MOM WAS GIVEN
ANESTHESIA.
THEY DIDN'T HAVE EPIDURALS
IN THOSE DAYS, RIGHT?
SO MY MOTHER
WAS UNCONSCIOUS.
NOW MY MOTHER
IS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
I MEAN, SERIOUSLY,
SHE'S BEAUTIFUL
TODAY AT 78.
AT 24
SHE LOOKED LIKE
A CHRISTMAS MORNING.
SO ALL THE DOCTORS--
THEY'RE BUZZING AROUND
HER HEAD GOING,
"OH LOOK, THERE'S
DEBBIE REYNOLDS ASLEEP.
HOW PRETTY."
THEN MY FATHER,
UPON SEEING ME,
YOU KNOW,
START TO COME THROUGH--
CROWN, WITH ALL THE PLACENTA
AND THE-- UGH--
MY FATHER FAINTS
DEAD AWAY.
SO NOW
ALL THE NURSES GO,
"OH LOOK, THERE'S
EDDIE FISHER THE CROONER
ON THE GROUND.
LET'S GO LOOK AT HIM."
SO WHEN I ARRIVED
I WAS VIRTUALLY
UNATTENDED.
AND I'VE BEEN
TRYING
TO MAKE UP FOR THAT FAC EVER SINCE.
EVEN THIS SHOW
TONIGH IS A PATHETIC BID
FOR THE ATTENTION
THAT I LACKED
AS A NEWBORN.
- ( applause )
- OH, THANK YOU.
THAT HELPS SO MUCH.
YEAH.
MY DAD--
HE WAS BEST FRIENDS
WITH THIS VERY VERY
CHARISMATIC PRODUCER
WHOSE NAME WAS
MIKE TODD.
HE PRODUCED
A FILM CALLED
"AROUND THE WORLD
IN 80 DAYS,"
WHICH WON AN OSCAR
FOR BEST PICTURE.
SO MY FATHER,
MY MOTHER,
MIKE TODD
AND HIS FIANCEE,
WHO HAPPENED TO BE
ELIZABETH TAYLOR--
WELL, YOU KNOW,
THEY WENT EVERYWHERE
TOGETHER, RIGHT?
I MEAN,
THEY WENT TO NIGHTCLUBS.
THEY WENT ON CRUISES.
THEY LITERALLY TRAVELED
THE WORLD.
SO WHEN MIKE AND ELIZABETH
GOT MARRIED,
MY FATHER WAS
MIKE TODD'S BEST MAN
AND MY MOTHER WAS
ELIZABETH'S
MATRON OF HONOR.
YEAH.
SHE EVEN WASHED HER HAIR
ON HER WEDDING DAY.
NOW LATER I DID
HEAR HER MUMBLE
THAT SHE WISHED
SHE'D WASHED IT WITH NAIR.
BUT SHE'S NOT A BITTER
WOMAN REALLY, YOU KNOW.
ANYWAY, I WAS ABOU ONE AND A HALF OR TWO
WHEN MY BROTHER
WAS BORN.
AND MY FATHER--
HE SO ADORED
THIS MAN MIKE TODD
THAT MY BROTHER TODD
WAS NAMED FOR HIM.
BUT, YOU KNOW,
IN THE JEWISH FAITH
IT IS CONSIDERED
BACK LUCK
TO NAME A NEWBORN
AFTER SOMEONE
WHO'S STILL LIVING--
A SILLY SUPERSTITION...
OR SO THEY THOUGHT.
'CAUSE ABOU A YEAR LATER
MIKE TODD TOOK OFF
IN A PRIVATE PLANE
IN A RAINSTORM.
Newscaster:
MISS TAYLOR WAS
IN A STATE OF COLLAPSE
FOLLOWING
THE DEATH OF HER HUSBAND
IN A PLANE CRASH.
AND THE FOLLOWING
MORNING
ELIZABETH WAS
A WIDOW.
WELL, YOU KNOW,
NATURALLY MY FATHER FLEW
TO ELIZABETH'S SIDE,
GRADUALLY MAKING HIS WAY
SLOWLY TO HER FRONT.
( laughter )
HE DRIED HER EYES
WITH HIS HANDKERCHIEF.
HE CONSOLED HER
WITH FLOWERS.
AND ULTIMATELY
HE CONSOLED HER
WITH HIS PENIS.
THIS MADE MARRIAGE
TO MY MOTHER AWKWARD.
AND SO HE WAS GONE
WITHIN THE WEEK.
Newscaster:
DEBBIE REYNOLDS WEN INTO COUR AND IN FIVE MINUTES HAD
A DIVORCE FROM EDDIE FISHER.
SHOWING NO EMOTION,
THE 26-YEAR-OLD TESTIFIED
HER HUSBAND HAD BECOME
INTERESTED IN ANOTHER WOMAN.
IT WASN'T LONG AFTERWARD
THAT THE SINGER WAS MARRIED
TO THE WIDOW OF HIS
GOOD FRIEND MIKE TODD.
RECENTLY MY DAUGHTER
BILLIE--
SHE'S ACTUALLY
ABOUT TO TURN 18--
SHE HAD A FLIRTATION
WITH MIKE TODD
AND ELIZABETH'S GRANDSON.
AND WHEN THEY FIRST MET,
YOU KNOW,
THEY WERE TRYING
TO WORK OU HOW IT ALL
FIT TOGETHER, RIGHT,
AND IF THEY WERE
RELATED IN ANY WAY.
SO I THOUGH ABOUT IT.
NOW WHEN I THINK,
I NEED AN ENORMOUS
BLACKBOARD.
ALSO IT IS HELPFUL
IF I CAN HAVE
A STICK.
THAT WAY
I COULD POIN TO THE VARIOUS PEOPLE
ON THE BLACKBOARD AND--
WHEN YOU PRAY.
THIS IS GARRET--
MY SPIRITUAL ADVISOR
AND GYNECOLOGIST.
THANK YOU.
WELL, YOU NEVER KNOW.
SO WELCOME, CLASS,
TO HOLLYWOOD 101.
ALL RIGHT, SO OVER HERE
WE HAVE DEBBIE AND EDDIE.
NOW IN THE '50s
THEY WERE KNOWN
AS AMERICA'S
SWEETHEARTS.
FOR THOSE OF YOU
THAT ARE YOUNGER,
TRY TO THINK OF I THIS WAY:
THINK OF EDDIE
AS BRAD PITT,
DEBBIE AS
JENNIFER ANISTON
AND ELIZABETH
AS ANGELINA JOLIE.
DOES THAT HELP?
THAT SHOULD HELP, RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT, SO...
EDDIE CONSOLES ELIZABETH
WITH HIS PENIS.
ELIZABETH TAKES
A MOVIE IN ROME--
A BIG-BUDGET FILM
"CLEOPATRA."
SHE MEETS HER COSTAR
RICHARD BURTON.
WELL, GOODBYE EDDIE,
HELLO RICHARD.
THE TWO OF THEM--
THEY HIT IT OFF
LIKE GANGBUSTERS,
YOU KNOW?
AND THEY ME AND THEY MARRIED
AND THEY HAD A WILD,
TEMPESTUOUS RELATIONSHIP
OF VIOLET EYES
AND WELSH ACCENTS
AND DRINKING
AND DANCING
AND LUST AND JOY
AND FUN.
BUT IT WAS A TEMPESTUOUS
RELATIONSHIP.
SO AFTER A WHILE
THE STORM CLOUDS CAME,
AND WHAT HAPPENED?
NO CHEATING.
WHAT?
STORM CLOUDS
ARE A NEGATIVE.
Woman:
DIVORCE.
- DIVORCE, OKAY.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
- NICOLE.
- WHAT?
- NICOLE.
NICOLE.
OKAY, NICOLE,
WHAT WE DO WITH OUR
BETTER STUDENTS
HERE A HOLLYWOOD 101--
WE PROVIDE THEM
WITH A MEDAL.
THINK OF I AS A METAPHOR
- FOR GETTING A MEDAL.
- OKAY.
- LOOK, IT'S KIND OF LIKE BEING
IN "THE WIZARD OF OZ."
- SHOULD I COME AND GET IT?
YOU'RE OUT OF THE WOODS,
YOU'RE OUT OF THE DARK,
YOU'RE OUT OF THE--
- NOW LOOK, YOU HAVE TO
UNDO IT BECAUSE--
- OH, THANK YOU.
THERE WE GO.
NOW, NICOLE, YOU STILL--
- THE MEDAL FELL OFF.
- OH JESUS.
WELL, LET ME JUST PUT I IN YOUR CLEAVAGE THEN.
( audience laughter )
- WHICH IS AMPLE.
- THAT'S GOOD.
- OKAY.
- THANK YOU.
NOW, NICOLE,
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
STILL EARN THIS, OKAY?
- OKAY, I GOT IT.
- ALL RIGHT, YOU CAN
SIT BACK DOWN.
- ALL RIGHT, SO...
- ( applause )
AS NICOLE SAID,
THEY DID GE A DIVORCE.
BUT THEY HAD
GOOD MEMORIES
OF EACH OTHER,
SO, NICOLE,
WHAT'D THEY DO THEN?
- THEY GOT MARRIED AGAIN.
- THEY REMARRIED. EXACTLY.
ALL RIGHT, NOW KEEP
THAT IN MIND
'CAUSE IT MIGH COME UP AGAIN.
LET'S GO
TO DEBBIE, OKAY?
DEBBIE DOES NOT WAN ANOTHER MAN
WHO'LL JUST RUN OFF.
SO SHE MARRIES
SOMEONE VERY VERY OLD,
WHO CAN'T RUN.
NOW HE JUST SITS
IN A CHAIR,
HE SMOKES
AND HE DRINKS.
AND AFTER ABOU 13 YEARS
HE LOSES
ALL HIS MONEY
AND THEN HE TAKES
ALL HERS--
FUN.
AND THEY GO DIVORCED.
AND SHE WAS ALONE
FOR A WHILE.
BUT THEN
FATE INTERVENED
AND BROUGHT HER
THIS SOCIOPATH.
YEAH, THAT'S
RICHARD HAMLETT.
HE HAD MONEY ISSUES TOO--
HER MONEY.
BUT NOW BEFORE WE GE TOO FAR PAS THIS FIRST STEPFATHER
RIGHT HERE,
THIS MAN IS NAMED
HARRY KARL.
HARRY WAS
A SHOE TYCOON.
DOESN'T SOUND
LIKE THOSE WORDS
SHOULD FI TOGETHER, DOES IT?
IN THIS CASE THEY DO.
ALL RIGHT,
SO PRIOR TO BEING
MARRIED TO MY MOM,
HARRY WAS MARRIED
TO THIS WOMAN RIGHT HERE.
THIS IS MARIE McDONALD--
MARIE "THE BODY" McDONALD,
AS SHE WAS KNOWN.
MARIE WAS
AN ACTRESS-- ISH.
AND SO THEY ME AND THEY MARRIED,
AND THEY HAD A WILD,
TEMPESTUOUS RELATIONSHIP.
THEY HAD A CHILD.
AND THAT WEN SO WELL,
THEY ADOPTED
TWO MORE.
NOW MARIE McDONALD
WAS A VERY OPTIMISTIC,
ROMANTIC WOMAN.
AND I SAY THIS
BECAUSE SHE MARRIED
A GRAND TOTAL
OF NINE TIMES.
YEAH.
NOW THAT IS A RECORD
FOR THE BOARD.
AND THAT IS
SAYING SOMETHING,
BECAUSE THIS IS
A MARRYING BOARD.
IF YOU MARRY
THAT MANY TIMES,
YOU'RE BOUND TO GE A HEADACHE, NO?
TWICE GAVE ME
A WHOPPER.
ANYWAY, I THINK IT DID,
YOU KNOW,
GIVE POOR MARIE
A HEADACHE
BECAUSE SHE WOUND UP
ADDICTED TO PAINKILLERS.
NOW YOU WANT TO HEAR
SOMETHING REALLY WILD?
I JUST FOUND THIS OUT.
IF YOU GET ADDICTED
TO PAINKILLERS,
IT CAN TURN OUT TO GO
VERY WRONG FOR YOU.
WHO KNEW THAT?
IT DID GO WRONG
FOR MARIE,
BECAUSE SHE ENDED UP
OVERDOSING AND PASSING ON.
AND THAT LAST HUSBAND
OF HERS
SHOT HIMSELF.
WELL, THEY LOVED EACH OTHER
TO DEATH.
SO NOW THERE ARE
THESE THREE CHILDREN LEFT.
WHAT SHOULD WE DO
WITH THEM?
OH, I KNOW.
LET'S SEND THEM
TO HARRY AND DEBBIE.
THEY ARE TOLD
THAT ONE OF THESE
THREE CHILDREN
SHOULD BE
INSTITUTIONALIZED.
BUT MY MOTHER IS
A GOOD PERSON,
MUCH LIKE SARAH PALIN,
ONLY SMARTER.
AND SHE SAID,
"ABSOLUTELY NOT.
WE WILL PUT HER
IN CARRIE'S ROOM!"
IT'S FUNNY NOW.
NOW LET'S GO TO EDDIE,
SHALL WE?
HOW DO YOU
FOLLOW AN ACT LIKE
ELIZABETH TAYLOR, RIGHT?
SO HE-- HE THINKS OF
SOMETHING THOUGH.
HE DOES
PULL SOMETHING TOGETHER.
HE MEETS
THIS WOMAN RIGHT HERE.
NOW THIS IS
A BLONDE, CUTE,
PERKY LITTLE ACTRESS.
SOUNDS FAMILIAR,
DOESN'T IT?
NO, IT'S NO DEBBIE AGAIN.
IT'S A TRIBUTE
TO DEBBIE.
IT'S CONNIE STEVENS!
SO THEY ME AND THEY HAD
JOELY FISHER
AND TRICIA FISHER.
OH WAIT.
HANG ON A SECOND.
DID THEY FORGE TO GET MARRIED?
THEY DID.
THEY FORGOT.
WELL, BUT NOW THEY REMEMBER
AND THEY MARRY.
BUT AS ALL OF YOU KNOW,
LEGAL SEX
IS JUST SHITE.
THEY HAVE THE DREADFUL
LEGAL SEX.
THE STORM CLOUDS COME.
NICOLE, WHAT HAPPENED?
- THEY GET DIVORCED.
- THEY GOT A DIVORCE.
BUT DON'T WORRY.
MY FATHER'S NOT ALONE
FOR LONG.
BECAUSE NOW HE MEETS
AND MARRIES
THIS GIRL--
MISS LOUISIANA!
YES, SHE'S THREE YEARS
OLDER THAN I AM
AND SHE CALLS ME
"DEAR."
SHE'S IN HER EARLY 20s.
HE'S IN HIS LATE 50s.
SHE HAD SO MANY YEARS
TO DEVOTE TO HIM.
BUT WEIRDLY,
AFTER A VERY
SHORT TIME,
NICOLE, WHAT HAPPENED?
THEY DIVORCED.
THEY DIVORCED.
I WAS STUNNED.
BUT DON'T WORRY.
MY FATHER IS NOT ALONE
FOR LONG.
BECAUSE NOW HE MEETS
AND MARRIES
THIS WOMAN RIGHT HERE.
THIS IS BETTY LIN.
BETTY'S FROM SHANGHAI.
AND SHE TAKES GREAT CARE
OF MY DAD,
WHICH, YOU KNOW,
HE NEEDS.
ALSO, BETTY IS RICH,
WHICH IS HANDY,
'CAUSE MY FATHER
HAS GONE BANKRUP FOUR TIMES BY NOW.
ANYWAY, THEY'RE TOGETHER
15 GLORIOUS YEARS.
BUT THEN, NICOLE,
WHAT HAPPENED?
- THEY GOT A DIVORCE?
- NO.
- NO?
- THIS IS A TRICK QUESTION.
SHE DID--
SHE PASSED AWAY.
I KNOW.
IT WAS REALLY SAD.
BUT DON'T WORRY.
MY DAD IS NOT ALONE
FOR LONG.
BECAUSE NOW
MY FATHER DATES
ALL OF CHINATOWN!
WELL, NOW HANG ON
A SECOND NOW.
MY FATHER HAS HAD
SO MANY FACELIFTS
THAT HE LOOKS
ASIAN HIMSELF.
IT MAKES I MORE RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHA I'M TALKING ABOUT.
SO LET'S RECAP,
SHALL WE?
OKAY, EDDIE AND DEBBIE
HAVE THE GOOD SEX.
THEY CELEBRATE.
THEY HAVE TODD AND MYSELF.
I GROW UP--
( chuckles )
A MATTER OF OPINION.
AND I MEET AND MARRY
THIS MAN RIGHT HERE.
THIS IS PAUL SIMON.
PAUL SIMON IS A SHOR JEWISH SINGER.
( laughter )
A SHOR JEWISH SINGER.
ANY QUESTIONS?
MY MOTHER MAKES
A BLUEPRIN AND I FOLLOW I TO THE LETTER.
ALL RIGHT, SO PAUL AND I--
GREAT MARRIAGE,
WORDS WORDS,
SO MANY WORDS,
BIG WORDS,
CLEVER WORDS.
UH-OH, THE WORDS
GET MEAN, NICOLE.
WHAT HAPPENED?
- YOU DIVORCED.
- WE DIVORCED.
BUT DON'T WORRY.
I AM NOT ALONE FOR LONG,
BECAUSE NOW I MEE THIS GOY-- GUY.
THIS GUY.
THIS IS BRYAN LOURD.
BRYAN'S A TALENT AGENT--
LESS WORDS, GOOD SEX.
WE CELEBRATE.
WE HAVE
BILLIE LOURD, OKAY?
ELIZABETH TAYLOR
AND MIKE TODD--
THEY HAVE LIZA TODD.
AND WHEN MIKE
PASSES AWAY,
MY FATHER
ADOPTS HER.
ALSO, LIZA IS
A WONDERFUL SCULPTRESS.
AND SHE MEETS AND MARRIES
HER ART PROFESSOR--
PROFESSOR HAP TIVEY.
HAP IS SHORT FOR HAPPY,
SO HE'S NOT JEWISH.
ANYWAY, THEY MEE AND THEY CELEBRATE.
THEY HAVE QUINN TIVEY
AND RHYS TIVEY.
SO QUINN TIVEY
AND BILLIE LOURD--
ARE THEY RELATED?
Man: NO.
ARE THEY?
Audience:
NO.
YES, THEY ARE.
I TOLD THEM,
"YOU ARE RELATED
BY SCANDAL."
I JUST-- I HOPE
THE TWO OF THEM MARRY
SO ALL THIS
WILL HAVE BEEN WORTHWHILE.
AND THAT IS
HOLLYWOOD INBREEDING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
( grunts )
HOLLYWOOD INBREEDING--
IT'S A LITTLE BI LIKE ROYAL INBREEDING,
YOU KNOW.
AND CELEBRITY--
IT'S KIND OF LIKE
AMERICA'S ROYALTY, RIGHT?
I ACTUALLY--
I LIKE TO THINK
OF CELEBRITY
AS JUST OBSCURITY
BIDING ITS TIME.
SO...
( laughter )
SO MY BROTHER AND I
GREW UP WATCHING
OUR PARENTS'
ONCE WHITE HOT,
BRIGHT STAR OF CELEBRITY
SLOWLY DIM,
COOL AND FADE.
WE WATCHED THIS
FROM A HOUSE THAT I CALL
THE EMBASSY.
'CAUSE REALLY IT LOOKED
MUCH MORE LIKE A PLACE
WHERE YOU'D GE YOUR PASSPORT STAMPED,
YOU KNOW,
WELL, THAN A HOUSE.
I MEAN, WHERE WOULD YOU
PUT A CHRISTMAS WREATH
ON A THING LIKE THIS?
IT LOOKS LIKE
AN AIR CONDITIONER,
DOESN'T IT?
SO OBVIOUSLY
IT IS A MODERN HOUSE,
A WARM HOUSE.
AND IT HAD THINGS
THAT MOST NORMAL HOUSES
DON'T HAVE.
FOR EXAMPLE, WE HAD
EIGHT LITTLE
PINK REFRIGERATORS
IN CASE SNOW WHITE
AND THE SEVEN DWARVES
SHOWED UP.
AND WE HAD A LANAI.
OH, WE HAD
THREE POOLS,
IN CASE TWO BROKE.
MY STEPFATHER
HARRY KARL--
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU
NOTICED OR NOT--
HE WASN'T REALLY
A HANDSOME MAN.
BUT BECAUSE
HE WAS WEALTHY
AND WELL-GROOMED,
HE WAS SAID TO BE
DISTINGUISHED-LOOKING.
THAT'S UGLY WITH MONEY.
( chuckles )
ACTUALLY THEY MADE
A MOVIE
ABOUT HARRY KARL
AND MARIE McDONALD
AND THE MULTIPLE
MARRIAGES,
AND IT WAS CALLED
"THE MARRYING MAN."
AND ALEC BALDWIN
PLAYED HARRY KARL.
AND I THINK
THE RESEMBLANCE
IS ASTONISHING.
I REALLY DO.
OH, AND THE BARBER
THAT CAME EVERY DAY
TO KEEP HIM
DISTINGUISHED-LOOKING,
WE FOUND OUT LATER
THAT THAT BARBER
WAS ACTUALLY A PIMP
WITH A TALEN FOR HAIR.
AND FOR THOSE OF YOU
WITH PIMPS,
NICOLE, YOU KNOW,
THEY USUALLY--
THEY CAN'T DO HAIR
FOR SHIT.
SO, YOU KNOW,
THIS MADE MARRIAGE
TO MY MOTHER AWKWARD,
SO WHAT SHE DID THOUGH WAS--
SHE'S CRAFTY--
SHE GOT-- SHE TOOK THIS
MUSICAL IN NEW YORK
TO GET OUT OF
THE MARRIAGE,
WHICH IN HOLLYWOOD
IS ACTUALLY
A LEGAL WAY
TO DISSOLVE A UNION
WITHOUT INVOLVING
LAWYERS.
AND SHE TOOK ME
OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL
AND PUT ME IN THE CHORUS
OF THIS MUSICAL.
AND I DON'T CARE
WHAT YOU'VE HEARD,
CHORUS WORK IS
FAR MORE VALUABLE
THAN AN EDUCATION
WOULD EVER BE,
CLEARLY.
I GREW UP--
I GREW UP KNOWING
THAT I HAD
THE PRETTIEST MOTHER
OF ANYONE
IN MY CLASS.
BUT, YOU KNOW,
MY MOM--
SHE'S ALSO--
SHE'S A LITTLE BI ECCENTRIC.
I MEAN, SHE DOES--
SHE HAS A LOT OF
UNIQUE IDEAS.
FOR EXAMPLE,
SHE THOUGH THAT I SHOULD HAVE
A CHILD
WITH HER LAST HUSBAND
RICHARD
BECAUSE IT WOULD HAVE
NICE EYES.
I SHOULD PROBABLY
EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU
BEFORE YOU THINK
IT'S WEIRD.
UH, SEE,
THE THING IS,
MY MOTHER-- SHE'D GONE
THROUGH THE CHANGE,
YOU KNOW?
SO SHE DIDN'T--
SHE COULDN'T HAVE
CHILDREN ANYMORE.
AND RICHARD
DIDN'T HAVE ANY CHILDREN
OF HIS OWN YET.
AND HE HAD
NICE EYES.
AND MY WOMB
WAS FREE.
AND WE'RE RELATED.
MY MOTHER WANTS ME
TO EXPLAIN TO YOU
THAT SHE THOUGH THAT YOU COULD INSEMINATE
SOMEONE
BY GIVING THEM
AN INJECTION IN YOUR ARM,
PUTTING THE SEMEN
RIGHT HERE.
IF SHE EVER THOUGH THAT IT INVOLVED
SOMETHING SOUTHERLY,
SHE NEVER WOULD'VE
SUGGESTED IT, OKAY?
NOW MY MOTHER DID NO JUST BRING THIS UP
ONCE OR TWICE
LIKE A NORMAL
MOTHER WOULD,
LIKE YOU WOULD.
NO, SHE BROUGHT IT UP
MANY MANY TIMES
AND MOSTLY
WHILE I WAS DRIVING.
AND WHEN I FINALLY
SUGGESTED TO HER
THAT, YOU KNOW, MIGHT BE
AN ODD IDEA,
SHE SAID,
"OH DARLING,
HAVE YOU READ
'THE ENQUIRER' LATELY?
WE LIVE IN A VERY
STRANGE WORLD."
WELL, WHEN
"THE ENQUIRER"
BECOMES YOUR STANDARD
FOR LIVING,
YOU'RE IN A LO OF TROUBLE.
WHEN I TOLD
MY GRANDMOTHER
ABOUT MY MOM'S IDEA,
SHE SAID,
"WELL, THAT'S NO RIGHT."
THE VOICE OF REASON,
RIGHT?
MY GRANDMA MAXINE--
SHE WAS FROM
EL PASO, TEXAS.
MY MOTHER'S
WHOLE CLAN
WAS FROM TEXAS
AND ALL AROUND THERE.
AND MY FATHER'S PEOPLE
WERE FROM SOUTH PHILLY,
IN THAT AREA.
SO BASICALLY
WE'RE WHITE TRASH.
WELL, BECAUSE OF
THE CELEBRITY FACTOR THOUGH,
I LIKE TO THINK OF US
AS BLUE-BLOODED WHITE TRASH,
YOU KNOW.
ANYWAY, I BRING UP
MY GRANDMOTHER
BECAUSE WHEN MY MOTHER
WAS ABOUT SEVEN,
MY GRANDMOTHER LOCKED HER
IN THE CLOSET.
SO AFTER MY MOM
HAD BEEN IN THE CLOSE ABOUT AN HOUR,
SHE ASKED MY GRANDMOTHER
FOR A GLASS OF WATER.
AND MY GRANDMOTHER
NATURALLY SAID, "WHY?"
AND MY MOTHER SAID,
"BECAUSE I'VE SPI ALL OVER YOUR DRESSES
AND NOW I'VE RUN OU OF SPI AND I WANT TO SPI ALL OVER YOUR SHOES."
THESE ARE THE PEOPLE
I HAIL FROM, OKAY?
MY MOTHER AND I--
ULTIMATELY WE DIDN' GO FORWARD
WITH THE PLAN FOR ME
TO HAVE RICHARD'S BABY.
YEAH, AND I KNOW
IT'S PROBABLY BES WE DIDN'T.
WELL, I MEAN,
ASIDE FROM THE OBVIOUS--
MY SISTER,
MY DAUGHTER,
MY SISTER, MY DAUGHTER--
OW--
MY MOTHER ENDED UP
HATING RICHARD.
AND SHE HAD A REALLY
REALLY GOOD REASON.
THIS MAN--
HE BROKE
HER PENSION PLAN.
OW.
THAT'S HARD TO DO.
AND HE TOOK
ALL THE MONEY SHE'D MADE
SINCE HARRY TOOK
THE FIRST BATCH.
SO SHE SAYS TO ME
AT THIS POINT,
"YOU KNOW, DEAR,
EDDIE'S STARTING TO LOOK
LIKE THE GOOD HUSBAND."
"EDDIE THE GOOD HUSBAND"
BY ANTON CHEKHOV.
WHAT CAN YOU
REALLY SAY
ABOUT MY FATHER?
I'M ASKING YOU.
ALL RIGHT, WELL,
I DON'T KNOW WHA YOU CAN SAY,
BUT HERE'S
WHAT I CAN SAY.
MY FATHER--
HE IS UNBELIEVABLY
CHARMING.
I MEAN, SERIOUSLY,
YOU WOULD LOVE HIM.
HE'S ADORABLE.
I MEAN, THERE IS A REASON
THAT HE WAS ABLE TO SCORE
ALL THA UNBELIEVABLE PUSSY--
WELL, YOU KNOW,
I MEAN,
AND GET ALL THOSE
FANTASTIC WOMEN
TO MARRY HIM.
Eddie Fisher:
IF I LOVED YOU
TIME AND AGAIN...
MY FATHER IS 81
AND HE SMOKES
FIVE JOINTS A DAY,
FOR MEDICINAL
PURPOSES, OF COURSE.
SO WE CALL HIM
PUFF DADDY.
UM...
( applause )
NO, THE GREAT THING
ABOUT THAT IS--
WE DID THIS SHOW NEAR TO
WHERE MY DAD LIVES.
SO HE CAME
TO THE OPENING NIGH AND HE BROUGH HIS DEALER.
WHICH WAS FANTASTIC,
YOU KNOW,
'CAUSE YOU REALLY
WANT THE DEALER'S
POINT OF VIEW
ON ANY WORK YOU DO.
RIGHT?
YOU KNOW WHA I'M TALKING ABOUT.
ACTUALLY
A FEW MONTHS BACK
I SENT MY FATHER
A COUPLE A STRIPPERS,
AS ONE DOES.
AND HE WAS
UNBELIEVABLY GRATEFUL.
HE CALLED ME
AND HE SAID,
"BABY, I WILL DO
ANYTHING YOU SAY.
I MEAN, YOU SAY,
'RUN,'
AND I SAY,
'HOW HIGH?'"
NOW...
ANYWAY,
A FEW YEARS BACK
BILLIE AND I WEN TO SAN FRANCISCO
TO VISIT MY--
WHERE HE LIVES,
'CAUSE THERE IS A REALLY
BIG CHINATOWN THERE.
THERE IS.
AND THE DAY BEFORE,
MY FATHER--
HE'D GOTTEN THESE
LITTLE HEARING AIDS.
YOU KNOW THOSE
TEENY TINY ONES?
THEY FIT RIGH IN YOUR EARS, RIGHT?
THEY'RE SUPER EXPENSIVE.
WELL, MY DAD--
HE'D GOTTEN THEM
THE DAY BEFORE, RIGHT?
SO THE NIGHT BEFORE
HE DIDN'T WAN TO LOSE THEM
OR FORGE WHERE THEY WERE,
SO HE PUT THEM
IN HIS PILLBOX
NEXT TO HIS BED
SO THAT HE WOULD REME--
( laughter )
YES, IN THE MORNING
HE ATE THEM.
SO WHENEVER HE COULDN' HEAR BILLIE OR MYSELF,
WE'D YELL INTO HIS STOMACH
OR HIS ASS.
I WISH
I WAS KIDDING.
SUBSEQUENTLY HE GO THE HEARING AIDS AGAIN
AND I DID HAVE
THE OPPORTUNITY
TO SEE THEM.
THEY ARE SIZE
OF A LIMA BEAN--
A RUBBER LIMA BEAN
WITH AN ANTENNA.
NOW LOOK,
I ADORE PILLS.
I MEAN, SERIOUSLY,
HUGE FAN.
BUT THESE WERE TRULY
LIKE NONE
I HAD EVER SEEN.
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE LIKE
IN THE MORNING.
WELL, I KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE LIKE, BUT...
I AM NOT THAT SHARP,
BUT I THINK
I WOULD KNOW
IF I WERE EATING
A RUBBER LIMA BEAN
WITH AN ANTENNA
TWICE.
WELL, IF YOU HAVE
A LIFE LIKE MINE--
AND I KNOW
SOME OF YOU DO,
'CAUSE I RECOGNIZE YOU
FROM MY GROUP,
YES--
THEN THESE THINGS--
THEY GRADUALLY ACCUMULATE
UNTIL YOU BECOME KNOWN
AS A SURVIVOR.
IT'S A TERM
I REALLY DON'T--
I DON'T LIKE IT,
YOU KNOW, REALLY.
BUT THE THING IS,
WHEN YOU ARE A SURVIVOR--
WHICH, OKAY, WHATEVER.
I, YOU KNOW,
RELUCTANTLY AGREE
THAT I AM,
AND WHO HERE
OVER 40 ISN'T?
BUT WHEN YOU ARE
A SURVIVOR,
IN ORDER TO BE
A REALLY GOOD ONE,
YOU HAVE TO KEEP
GETTING IN TROUBLE
TO SHOW OFF YOUR GIFT.
NOW MY MOTHER SAYS,
"WELL, DEAR,
WHAT ARE THE CHOICES?
NOT SURVIVING?"
MY MOTHER,
WHO INCIDENTALLY LIVES
NEXT DOOR TO ME--
THAT'S NOT FUNNY--
SHE CALLS ME TO THIS DAY
AND SAYS,
"HELLO, DEAR.
THIS IS YOUR MOTHER
DEBBIE."
HEY, IT COULD BE
MY MOTHER VLADIMIR.
YOU NEVER EVER KNOW.
I HAD BEEN SINGING
IN MY MOTHER'S NIGHTCLUB AC SINCE I WAS ABOUT 13,
YOU KNOW,
LIKE MOST TEENAGERS.
AND I CONTINUED
TO PERFORM WITH HER
TILL I WAS 17.
DON'T BE NERVOUS.
IT'S JUST ALL SHOW BUSINESS.
THAT'S ALL.
WOULD YOU SING
MY FAVORITE FOR ME
FOR JULIE AND JERRY?
DON'T SAY NO.
JUST SING RIGHT OUT.
AND THE LAST PLACE
THAT WE PLAYED TOGETHER
WAS THE LONDON PALLADIUM.
AND I GO PRETTY GOOD REVIEWS.
SO THIS CHOREOGRAPHER GUY
RON SOMETHING--
ANYWAY, HE CALLS ME
AND HE ASKS ME
IF I WANT TO DO
MY OWN NIGHTCLUB ACT.
MY MOTHER--
MY MOTHER THOUGH THIS WAS TRULY
A LOUSY IDEA.
SHE THOUGHT INSTEAD
THAT I SHOULD GO
TO DRAMA COLLEGE
IN ENGLAND
BECAUSE IT WOULD
BRING RESPECTABILITY
TO THE FAMILY.
LIKE WE WERE A BUNCH
OF HOOKERS, YOU KNOW,
AND DRAMA COLLEGE
IN ENGLAND
IS THE ONLY WAY
TO ERADICATE A TAIN LIKE THAT.
ANYWAY,
SO NOW IT'S 1973
AND I'M 17
AND I'M ENROLLED
IN THE CENTRAL SCHOOL
OF SPEECH AND DRAMA
IN LONDON.
AND, YOU KNOW,
LIKE I SAID,
AT FIRST I JUST--
I REALLY DID NO WANT TO GO.
BUT ONCE I GOT THERE,
IT WAS TRULY
SOME OF THE BEST TIMES
OF MY LIFE.
I MEAN, IT WAS THE ONLY
UNEXAMINED PAR OF MY LIFE
WHERE I WAS JUST A STUDEN AMONG STUDENTS,
GOING TO VOICE
AND MOVEMENT CLASS
AND LEARNING
WEIRD LITTLE
TONGUE TWISTERS LIKE--
"ALL I WANT IS A PROPER
CUP OF COFFEE
MADE IN A PROPER
COPPER COFFEE POT.
YOU CAN BELIEVE IT OR NOT,
BUT I WANT A CUP OF COFFEE
IN A PROPER COFFEE POT.
TIN COFFEE POTS
AND IRON COFFEE POTS--
THEY'RE NO USE TO ME.
IF I CAN'T HAVE
A PROPER CUP OF COFFEE
IN A PROPER COPPER COFFEE POT,
- I'LL HAVE A CUP OF TEA."
- ( applause )
NOW--
OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
IF YOU ENJOYED
MY PERFORMANCE
AS PRINCESS LEIA--
AND WHO COULD RESIS MY STUNNING,
LAYERED, MOVING,
NOT-UNLIKE-MARY-POPPINS
PERFORMANCE?
--THEN IT IS
THANKS TO TONGUE TWISTERS
LIKE THAT.
CONSIDER:
"YOU'LL NEVER GE THAT BUCKET OF BOLTS
PAST THAT BLOCKADE,
PROPER COPPER
COFFEE POT."
OR:
"WHY, YOU STUCK-UP,
HALF-WITTED,
SCRUFFY-LOOKING
NERF HERDER.
PROPER COPPER COFFEE POT,
I'D LIKE A CUP OF TEA."
IT'S DIALOGUE FROM
THE "STAR WARS" FILM.
AND DON'T FORGET,
I HAD THAT WEIRD LITTLE
THAT CAME AND WEN LIKE WEATHER OR BLOA ALL THROUGH THE MOVIE.
GOVERNOR TARKIN,
I SHOULD'VE EXPECTED
TO FIND YOU HOLDING
VADER'S LEASH.
I RECOGNIZED YOUR FOUL STENCH
WHEN I WAS BROUGHT ONBOARD.
( laughter )
( applause )
AND ALL MY FRIENDS
MADE FUN OF ME
BECAUSE THEY SAID
THAT THE TITLE
OF THE FILM
SOUNDED LIKE A FIGH BETWEEN MY
ORIGINAL PARENTS--
"STAR WARS."
( monitors bleeping )
( applause )
WELL, I-- YOU KNOW.
WELL, BUT HERE'S
THE THING--
AS YOU AGE,
IT'S ABOUT DIGNITY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE
TO LOOK FORWARD TO.
IT'S REALLY
UNAVOIDABLE.
( chuckles )
GEORGE LUCAS
RUINED MY LIFE.
I MEAN THAT IN THE NICES POSSIBLE WAY.
AND NOW PEOPLE ARE
STILL ASKING ME
IF I KNEW "STAR WARS"
WAS GONNA BE
THAT BIG OF A HIT.
YES.
I KNEW.
WE ALL KNEW.
THE ONLY ONE
WHO DIDN'T KNOW
WAS GEORGE LUCAS.
WE KEPT IT FROM HIM
'CAUSE WE WANTED TO SEE
WHAT HIS FACE
LOOKED LIKE
WHEN IT CHANGED
EXPRESSION.
AND THE MAN FOOLED US
EVEN THEN.
HE GOT I.L.M.
TO CHANGE HIS FACIAL
EXPRESSIONS FOR HIM
AND T.H.X. SOUND
TO MAKE THE NOISE
OF A FACE
CHANGING EXPRESSIONS.
NOW NOT ONLY
WAS THIS MAN
VIRTUALLY EXPRESSIONLESS
IN THOSE DAYS,
BUT HE ALSO--
HE HARDLY TALKED AT ALL.
WHEN I GO THIS JOB,
THEY TOLD ME THAT I HAD
TO LOSE 10 LBS.
WELL, I WEIGHED ABOU 105 AT THE TIME.
WELL, NO,
BUT TO BE FAIR NOW,
I CARRIED ABOU 50 OF THOSE POUNDS
IN MY FACE.
SO YOU KNOW
WHAT A GOOD IDEA
WOULD BE THOUGH?
GIVE ME
A HAIRSTYLE
THAT FURTHER WIDENS
MY ALREADY
WIDE FACE.
BUT GEORGE LUCAS--
YOU KNOW,
I MEAN, THE MA--
HE IS A VISIONARY,
RIGHT?
I MEAN,
HE HAS TRANSPORTED
AUDIENCES
THE WORLD OVER
AND HE'S PROVIDED
MARK AND HARRISON
AND MYSELF
WITH ENOUGH FAN MAIL
AND EVEN A SMALL,
MERRY BAND OF STALKERS,
KEEPING US ENTERTAINED
FOR THE REST OF OUR
UNNATURAL LIVES.
NO, MY FAVORITE
FAN STORY
ACTUALLY HAPPENED
LAST YEAR.
WE WERE DOING
THE SHOW IN SANTA FE.
AND SO I GO INTO THIS
ROCK SHOP ONE DAY,
AS ONE DOES,
AND THE GUY
BEHIND THE COUNTER GOES,
"AREN'T YOU--?"
AND I'M-- "YEAH."
HE SAID,
"I THOUGHT ABOUT YOU
EVERY DAY
FROM WHEN I WAS 12
TO WHEN I WAS 22."
AND I SAID,
"EVERY DAY?"
AND HE SAID,
"WELL, FOUR TIMES A DAY."
( audience exclaiming,
laughing )
WHAT AM I
SUPPOSED TO SAY?
"THANK YOU."
BUT NOW DON'T FORGET,
GEORGE LUCAS--
HE WAS THE MAN WHO MADE ME
INTO A LITTLE DOLL--
A LITTLE DOLL
THAT MY FIRST HUSBAND
COULD STICK
PINS INTO
WHEN HE WAS
ANNOYED WITH ME.
THEN I WAS
A SHAMPOO
WHERE YOU COULD
TWIST OFF MY HEAD
AND POUR LIQUID
OUT OF MY NECK.
AND I WAS A SOAP--
A SOAP WHICH READ:
"LATHER UP
WITH LEIA
AND YOU'LL FEEL LIKE
A PRINCESS YOURSELF,
BOYS."
AND, OH,
I'M A STAMP.
NOW THAT'S
REALLY COOL--
I MEAN, WELL,
ASIDE FROM THE LICKING.
BUT, OH WAIT,
DO YOU KNOW THE--
YOU KNOW THOSE
MR. POTATO HEAD THINGS,
RIGHT?
WELL, THEY ACTUALLY--
THEY MADE
A STAR WARS
MR. POTATO HEAD LINE,
SO YOU MIGH RECOGNIZE ME
AS PRINCESS TATER
AND MY HUSBAND DICK
AND OUR DAUGHTER
REHABILA TATER.
BUT THE MAIN THING--
THE MAIN MAIN THING
THAT I'VE BEEN MADE INTO,
WHICH HAS JUST--
IT'S ENHANCED MY LIFE
JUST ENORMOUSLY--
I'M A PEZ DISPENSER.
NO, I AM.
I AM.
SERIOUSLY.
NO.
AND IF SOMEONE
OFFERS
TO MAKE YOU
INTO A PEZ DISPENSER,
DO IT!
BECAUSE IT JUST--
IT MAKES YOUR WHOLE
LIFE BETTER.
I MEAN, REALLY,
IF YOU HAVEN'T BEEN
MERCHANDISED
FOR THE LAS 30-PLUS YEARS,
YOU HAVEN'T LIVED.
IF ONLY
IT WERE AEROBIC.
NOW AMONG GEORGE'S
MANY POSSESSIONS,
THE MAN OWNS
MY LIKENESS.
SO EVERY TIME
I LOOK IN A MIRROR
I HAVE TO SEND HIM
A COUPLE OF BUCKS.
YOU KNOW, THEY--
I SAW THIS OTHER
LEIA FIGURINE RECENTLY
AT, YOU KNOW,
ONE OF THOSE
COMIC BOOK CONVENTIONS,
RIGHT?
WHICH, YES, I GO TO
WHEN I'M LONELY.
ANYWAY, SO THIS
PARTICULAR FIGURINE--
IT'S ON A TURNSTILE,
RIGHT?
SO WHEN IT GETS
TO A PARTICULAR--
OH, VISUAL AIDS.
WHEN IT GETS
TO A PARTICULAR PLACE
ON A TURNSTILE,
YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE
UP MY DRESS
TO MY ANATOMICALLY
CORRECT,
THOUGH SHAVED,
GALAXY SNATCH.
I WAS A LITTLE TAKEN ABACK
BY THIS, YOU KNOW?
SO I CALLED GEORGE
AND I SAID,
"YOU KNOW,
OWNING MY LIKENESS
DOES NOT INCLUDE
OWNING MY
LAGOON OF MYSTERY."
OH, AND DO YOU REMEMBER
THAT WHITE DRESS I WORE
ALL THROUGH
THE FIRST FILM?
I MEAN, UNLESS YOU DIDN' SEE "STAR WARS,"
IN WHICH CASE,
WHY ARE YOU HERE?
SO THEY PU THE DRESS ON ME
THE FIRST DAY.
THEY BRING ME
TO GEORGE.
TAKES ONE LOOK AT ME
AND HE SAYS,
"YOU CAN'T WEAR A BRA
UNDERNEATH THAT DRESS."
SO I SAY, "WHY?"
HE SAYS, "BECAUSE
THERE'S NO UNDERWEAR
IN SPACE."
I SWEAR TO GOD,
I PROMISE YOU
THAT HE SAID THIS.
AND THE MAN SAID I WITH SUCH CONVICTION TOO,
YOU KNOW,
LIKE HE'D ACTUALLY
BEEN TO SPACE,
LOOKED AROU--
DIDN'T SEE ANY BRAS
OR PANTIES OR BRIEFS.
BUT, YOU KNOW,
CLEARLY NOW--
CLEARLY THEY HAVE GONE
AS FAR AS THEY CAN GO
WITH THIS WHOLE
DOLL THING, RIGHT?
I MEAN, WHAT ARE THEY
GONNA DO NOW, YOU KNOW,
COME UP WITH, LIKE,
A LIFE-SIZE LEIA, YOU KNOW,
STEPFORD LEIA
TO RENDER ME OBSOLETE?
YOU'D GO
TO HER SHOW.
SO, I MEAN,
AT LEAST THEY HAVE NO DONE THAT YET.
AND THANK GOD.
THANK GOD THEY HAVE NO COME UP
WITH A LEIA SEX DOLL,
YOU KNOW?
'CAUSE THAT WOULD BE
REALLY HUMILIATING.
I MEAN, THANK GOD
THEY HAVE NOT COME UP
WITH A LIFE-SIZE
LEIA SEX DOLL
THAT THEY CHARGE
$800 FOR
THAT YOU COULD PU IN YOUR CORNFIELD
TO CHASE AWAY CROWS.
OH.
OH LOOK.
THEY HAVE.
ALL RIGHT,
NOW, YOU KNOW,
OBVIOUSLY I DID KNOW
ABOUT THIS.
AND IT ACTUALLY--
YOU KNOW, IT HAS ITS USES.
BECAUSE IF EVER ANYONE
FROM THE AUDIENCE
SCREAMS OUT,
"GO FUCK YOURSELF,
CARRIE"...
I CAN GIVE IT A WHIRL.
SOMEBODY HAS
TO SAVE OUR SKINS.
Younger Carrie:
I WAS THE PRIZE PRINCESS.
I SWEAR,
BY THE TIME I'M 30
I'LL GET THOSE BRAIDS
OFF MY HEAD SOMEHOW.
Man:
T-MINUS FIVE,
FOUR, THREE,
TWO, ONE.
Photographers:
CARRIE! CARRIE!
Carrie:
I WANT IT TO STOP.
RECENTLY
I GOOGLED MYSELF
WITHOUT A LUBRICANT.
AND--
WHICH I DO NO RECOMMEND, OKAY?
AND I CAME ACROSS
THIS POSTING
THAT SOMEBODY MADE
ABOUT ME.
AND IT SAID,
"WHATEVER HAP--?"
WELL,
"W-T-F HAPPENED
TO CARRIE FISHER?
SHE USED TO BE
SO HOT.
NOW SHE LOOKS
LIKE ELTON JOHN."
WELL, YOU KNOW,
THIS HURT ALL SEVEN
OF MY FEELINGS,
PARTLY BECAUSE I KNEW
WHAT HE MEANT.
BUT, YOU KNOW,
THE THING IS
I WAS HO WHEN MOST PEOPLE
ARE HOT, YOU KNOW--
LIKE IN THEIR
20s AND 30s.
I DID NOT REALIZE
THAT WHEN I DONNED THA FRICKING METAL BIKINI
BACK WHEN I WAS 23,
THAT I HAD MADE
AN INVISIBLE CONTRAC TO STAY LOOKING
THE EXACT SAME WAY
FOR THE NEX 30 TO 40 YEARS.
WELL, OBVIOUSLY
I'VE BETRAYED THE CONTRACT.
OVER THE PAS COUPLE YEARS ACTUALLY
I HAVE BEEN HAVING
A SERIES
OF E.C.T. TREATMENTS.
DOES ANYONE KNOW
WHAT THAT IS?
'CAUSE THEY WOULDN' TELL ME.
WHAT IS IT?
WHAT?
Man:
ELECTROSHOCK THERAPY.
( laughs )
ELECTROSHOCK TH--
WHY WOULD THEY GIVE
THAT TO ME?
THAT'S JUST--
WELL, ALL RIGHT.
DID YOU SEE "ONE FLEW
OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST"?
WASN'T I FANTASTIC?
NO, IT IS NO LIKE THAT ANYMORE.
IT ISN'T, REALLY.
I MEAN, NOW IT'S REALLY FUN.
AND I TOTALLY
RECOMMEND IT.
YOU KNOW, IF THERE'S,
LIKE, AN OVERCAST DAY,
NO NEW MOVIES OUT,
DO IT!
SERIOUSLY, I MEAN,
IT TAKES AWAY
EVERY VESTIGE
OF DEPRESSION.
IT GETS YOU TOTALLY
OFF YOUR BACK.
HERE'S--
THE OTHER THING IS
THERE'S NO CONVULSIONS
ANYMORE.
THEY GIVE YOU
THIS MEDICATION.
PROBABLY THEY COULD
CALL IT E.T.
BUT THAT WOULD BE
REALLY SILLY, WOULDN'T IT?
BECAUSE THEN
IF I SAID
I HAD E.T.
EARLIER IN THE WEEK,
YOU'D THINK I FUCKED
AN EXTRATERRESTRIAL--
ESPECIALLY ME.
UH, NO, BUT--
THE THING IS THOUGH,
LIKE I SAID,
IT IS-- REALLY,
IT IS FANTASTIC.
HOWEVER, THERE IS A TINY
TINY LITTLE DOWNSIDE.
ALONG WITH
THE DEPRESSION,
IT TAKES A TEENY
DOGGY BAG
OF ABOUT FOUR MONTHS
OF MEMORY.
WORTH IT!
WHAT IS GONNA
HAPPEN TO ME
IN ONE FOUR MONTHS
AT MY AGE
THAT CAN'T HAPPEN
IN ANOTHER FOUR?
NOW I TELL YOU THIS
BECAUSE
IF AT ANY POIN DURING THE UPCOMING
FESTIVITIES
I DRAW A BLANK--
WHICH IS A CONTRADICTION
IN TERMS, BY THE WAY,
IF YOU THINK
ABOUT IT--
THEN, YOU KNOW,
FORGIVE ME
OR DON'T FORGIVE ME.
BUT AT LEAS YOU'LL UNDERSTAND
WHAT'S HAPPENING.
WHICH IS MORE THAN
I CAN FREQUENTLY SAY.
OKAY, WE'VE GOTTEN
THROUGH ALL THAT.
ALL RIGHT, SO NOW
EVERY SO OFTEN
YOU MEE A MAGIC PERSON.
AND THAT'S REALLY--
THAT IS HOW I FEL WHEN I MET PAUL.
I'M SITTING
IN THE RAILWAY STATION
GOT A TICKE FOR MY DESTINATION...
WE HAD
THE SECRET HANDSHAKE
OF SHARED SENSIBILITY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I MEAN, WE UNDERSTOOD
EACH OTHER PERFECTLY.
YOU KNOW,
PAUL AND I--
WE WERE ACTUALLY
TOGETHER OVER 12 YEARS--
WELL, OFF AND ON.
AND SO, YOU KNOW,
WE TRAVELED A LOT TOGETHER,
AND HE DID HIS
SIMON AND GARFUNKELING
AND STUFF.
AND PAUL--
HE WROTE AN ALBUM
BASED ON
SOUTH AMERICAN MUSIC.
AND THAT ALBUM WAS CALLED
"THE RHYTHM OF THE SAINTS."
AND ON I WAS THE LAST SONG
THAT PAUL EVER WROTE
ABOUT ME.
NOW IF YOU CAN
GET PAUL
TO WRITE A SONG
ABOUT YOU,
DO IT!
BECAUSE HE IS
SO SO GOOD AT IT.
BUT THIS SONG WAS CALLED
"SHE MOVES ON"--
IRONIC TITLE.
AND SO THERE'S
THIS LYRIC IN I THAT I WANTED
TO SHARE WITH YOU,
'CAUSE I'M FEELING
KIND OF A CLOSENESS NOW,
YOU KNOW?
AND THAT LYRIC IS--
"I'M AFRAID
THAT I'LL BE TAKEN,
ABANDONED AND FORSAKEN
IN HER COLD
COFFEE EYES."
YEAH.
I'M A BITCH.
NO, BUT NO, WAIT.
HE WROTE ANOTHER SONG
ABOUT ME.
AND THIS ONE WAS CALLED
"ALLERGIES."
AND THE LYRIC
IN THAT WAS--
"MY HEART IS ALLERGIC
TO THE WOMAN I LOVE,
AND IT'S CHANGING
THE SHAPE OF MY FACE."
IS THAT FLATTERING?
NO, I DON'T THINK
IT IS EITHER.
BUT MY FAVORITE ALBUM
OF HIS THOUGH
IS THIS ALBUM
THAT'S CALLED
"HEARTS AND BONES."
AND THE TITLE SONG--
( "Hearts and Bones" playing )
WELL, IT ACT--
IT SOUNDS A LOT LIKE THIS,
BUT THIS
COULDN'T BE IT,
'CAUSE WE DIDN'T GE PERMISSION TO USE IT.
SO THAT WOULD BE BAD,
WOULDN'T IT?
OH, IT WOULD NO BE BAD
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,
I NEVER TOOK ANY ALIMONY
FROM PAUL.
SO THINK OF I THIS WAY--
YOU'RE LISTENING
TO MY ALIMONY.
AND LOVELY ALIMONY
IT IS.
OH, WE GOT PERMISSION.
ANYWAY, THE LYRIC IS,
"ONE AND ONE HALF
WANDERING JEWS--"
- ONE AND ONE-HALF
WANDERING JEWS...
- I'M THE HALF, FROM EDDIE.
- RETURNED TO THEIR
NATURAL COASTS
- WEST IS MY NATURAL--
TO RESUME OLD ACQUAINTANCES
AND STEP OUT OCCASIONALLY
AND SPECULATE WHO HAD BEEN
DAMAGED THE MOST...
WHO HAD BEEN DAMAGED
THE MOST.
GUESS WHO WON
THAT CONTEST!
NOW I MARRIED PAUL
WHEN I WAS 26.
AND WE GOT DIVORCED
WHEN I WAS 28.
AND AT 29
I WENT INTO REHAB.
NOW OBVIOUSLY NO BECAUSE I NEEDED I BUT BECAUSE--
WELL, I WAS DOING
RESEARCH FOR MY NOVEL
"POSTCARDS FROM
THE EDGE"
AND I NEEDED TO MEE SOME REAL ADDICTS
AND ALCOHOLICS,
YOU KNOW,
FOR, LIKE, THE VERACITY
OF THE NOVEL.
OKAY, FINE.
YES, I AM AN ADDICT.
YOU KNOW HOW THEY SAY
RELIGION IS THE OPIATE
OF THE MASSES?
WELL, I TOOK MASSES
OF OPIATES RELIGIOUSLY.
NOW I WANTED
TO WRITE A BOOK.
AND I KNEW WHAT THE FIRS LINE WOULD BE:
"MAYBE I SHOULDN' HAVE GIVEN
THE GUY WHO PUMPED
MY STOMACH
MY PHONE NUMBER,
BUT HE'LL PROBABLY
NEVER CALL ME ANYWAY."
AND THIS ACTUALLY WAS
BASED ON A TRUE THING.
SUZANNE, WE'RE GONNA HAVE
TO PUMP YOUR STOMACH!
( moans )
'CAUSE, SEE, THE DOCTOR
THAT PUMPED MY STOMACH
SENT ME FLOWERS
WITH A NOTE
WHICH READ:
"I CAN TELL THAT YOU'RE
A VERY WARM
AND SENSITIVE PERSON."
THEY'RE FROM THE GUY
WHO PUMPED MY STOMACH.
I WROTE
"POSTCARDS FROM THE EDGE,"
THE BOOK, THE NOVEL,
WHEN I WAS, LIKE,
28 OR 29 IN LOS ANGELES.
THEN I GOT BACK TOGETHER
WITH PAUL AGAIN.
SO I WROTE THE SCREENPLAY
OF "POSTCARDS" IN NEW YORK.
THEN THEY START FILMING
THE MOVIE IN L.A.
WITH MERYL STREEP
AND SHIRLEY MacLAINE.
I WANT TO BE
ON THAT SET, RIGHT?
SO I START TRAVELING
OUT TO L.A.
FROM NEW YORK A LOT.
AND THIS WAS
REALLY BAD
FOR MY RELATIONSHIP
WITH PAUL.
I MEAN, THINGS WERE
GETTING WORSE
FASTER THAN WE COULD
LOWER OUR STANDARDS.
I--
PRETTY SOON WE DID KNOW
THAT IT WAS OVER.
MIKE NICHOLS ACTUALLY
USED TO SAY ABOUT US
THAT WE WERE TWO FLOWERS,
NO GARDENER.
NO ONE WAS MINDING
THE RELATIONSHIP.
SO ONE OF
THE LAST TIMES
I WAS FLYING BACK OU TO L.A. AGAIN, RIGHT?
AND SO PAUL AND I
HAD BEEN FIGHTING
ALL MORNING.
HE DRIVES ME
TO THE AIRPOR TO GET RID OF ME
FASTER.
AND I'M ABOUT TO GE ON THE PLANE, RIGHT?
SO I TURN TO HIM
AND I SAY,
"YOU'LL FEEL BAD
IF I CRASH."
AND HE SAID,
"MAYBE NOT."
( laughs )
SO...
PAUL AND I WEN OUR RESPECTIVE WAYS.
AND HE WENT ON
TO MARRY SOMEONE
YOUNGER THAN HIMSELF--
EDIE BRICKELL
FROM THE SOUTH.
SO, NOT TO BE
OUTDONE,
I MARRIED SOMEONE
YOUNGER THAN MYSELF--
BRYAN LOURD,
ALSO FROM THE SOUTH.
NOW...
THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN OUR CHOICES--
MY CHOICE
FORGOT TO TELL ME
THAT HE WAS GAY.
WELL, HE FORGO TO TELL ME
AND I FORGO TO NOTICE.
REALLY, THOUGH
LATER ON BRYAN--
HE DID--
HE EXPLAINED TO ME
THAT I HAD
TURNED HIM GAY
BY TAKING
CODEINE AGAIN.
AND I SAID,
"YOU KNOW,
I NEVER READ
THAT WARNING
ON THE LABEL.
I THOUGHT IT SAID
'HEAVY MACHINERY,'
NOT 'HOMOSEXUALITY.'
I COULD HAVE BEEN
DRIVING
THOSE TRACTORS
ALL ALONG."
TURNING PEOPLE GAY
THOUGH--
IT IS KIND OF
A SUPERPOWER OF MINE.
ADMITTEDLY NO, IT IS NO CALLED UPON A LOT.
BUT WHEN IT IS,
I PICK UP
MY PINK PHONE,
I PUT ON MY
RAINBOW-COLORED CAPE,
AND I'M THERE
LIKE A SHOT.
NOW, YOU KNOW,
I WAS PROBABLY REBOUNDING
FROM PAUL A LITTLE BI WHEN I MET BRYAN
A WEEK LATER.
BUT BRYAN THOUGH--
BRYAN, HE WAS REALLY
REALLY HANDSOME.
WELL, HE STILL IS.
HE IS.
LOOK, THAT'S WHA HE LOOKS LIKE NOW.
WHEN I MET HIM
HE HAD HAIR.
I DO THAT TOO.
I MAKE THEM BALD,
I TURN THEM GAY--
MY WORK IS DONE.
BUT, YOU KNOW,
WHEN I FIRS MET BRYAN,
HE TOOK REALLY
GOOD CARE OF ME.
HE TOOK SUCH GOOD CARE
OF ME THAT I THOUGHT,
"YOU KNOW,
THIS GUY WILL MAKE
A GOOD FATHER."
AND HE DID.
SO, YOU KNOW,
FEARING NOW
THAT EVERYTHING
WOULD BE ALL RIGHT,
NINE MONTHS LATER
MY DAUGHTER WAS DRAGGED
FROM MY BODY
AS THOUGH IT WERE
A BURNING BUILDING.
AND ONCE THIS WELL-FED,
ROUND CREATURE
WAS RESCUED FROM
THE RUBBLE OF ME,
I SENT OU BIRTH ANNOUNCEMENTS
WHICH READ:
"SOMEONE SUMMERED
IN MY STOMACH,
SOMEONE'S FALLEN
THROUGH MY LEGS.
TO MAKE
AN INFANT OMELET,
SIMPLY SCRAMBLE
SPERM AND EGGS."
THANK YOU.
WE NAMED OUR ADORABLE
LITTLE OMELET BILLIE--
BILLIE CATHERINE.
SO, YOU KNOW,
A YEAR LATER,
WHEN BRYAN LEFT ME
FOR SCOTT,
WHO BECAME THE MAN
THAT GOT THE MAN
THAT GOT AWAY,
ALL OF MY FRIENDS
TALKED TO ME
LIKE THEIR HAIR WAS
HEAVIER ON ONE SIDE.
YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN?
HOW ARE YOU DOING?
ARE YOU OKAY?
BUT MY MOTHER
THOUGH--
MY MOTHER WAS--
SHE WAS AWESOME TO ME
DURING THIS TIME.
SHE REALLY WAS.
I MEAN, MY MOTHER--
WELL, OBVIOUSLY SHE'S
LIKE A MOTHER TO ME.
BUT-- NO, BUT SHE SAID
THIS FANTASTIC THING.
SHE SAID,
"YOU KNOW, DEAR,
WE'VE HAD ALL SORTS OF MEN
IN OUR FAMILY.
WE'VE HAD
HORSE THIEVES
AND ONE-MAN BANDS
AND ALCOHOLICS.
BUT THIS IS
OUR FIRST HOMOSEXUAL."
NOW, YOU KNOW,
HAVING REALLY ABSOLUTELY
NOTHING AT ALL WHATSOEVER
TO DO WITH BRYAN,
ABOUT--
ABOUT A YEAR
AFTER THIS
I WAS INVITED
TO GO TO A MENTAL
HOSPITAL.
AND--
WELL, YOU DON'T WAN TO BE RUDE, RIGHT?
SO YOU GO.
WELL, WAIT A--
WAIT A SECOND NOW.
IT'S A REALLY REALLY
EXCLUSIVE INVITATION.
I MEAN,
HOW MANY OF YOU
HAVE BEEN INVITED
TO A MENTAL HOSPITAL?
I'M ASKING YOU
FOR REAL.
ONE HUMAN.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
- JIMMY.
- JIMMY.
I TOLD YOU THOUGH,
IT'S VERY EXCLUSIVE--
JUST JIMMY
AND MYSELF.
OH.
MY MOTHER WANTS
YOU ALL TO KNOW
THIS COMES
FROM MY FATHER'S SIDE
OF THE FAMILY.
SHE IS AS NORMAL
AS THE DAY IS LONG.
NOW MY DIAGNOSIS--
I KNOW
THIS WILL STUN YOU--
WAS MANIC DEPRESSION.
I THINK NOW THEY CALL I BIPOLAR, RIGHT?
SO YOU MIGHT SAY
I SWING BOTH WAYS.
OH, WAIT WAIT.
NOW THIS IS REALLY
GONNA IMPRESS YOU:
I AM ACTUALLY
IN THE ABNORMAL
PSYCHOLOGY TEXTBOOK.
- COME ON, HOW COOL IS THAT?
- ( applause )
NO, WAIT WAIT WAI WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT.
KEEP IN MIND,
I AM A PEZ DISPENSER
AND I'M IN THE ABNORMAL
PSYCHOLOGY TEXTBOOK!
( applause )
WHO SAYS YOU CAN' HAVE IT ALL?
NOW, YOU KNOW, OBVIOUSLY
MY FAMILY'S SO PROUD,
BUT THE THING IS
I HEARD THAT I WAS
IN THIS TEXTBOOK
AND I HEARD I WAS
IN THERE WITH A PICTURE.
AND I THOUGHT,
"WHAT PICTURE?"
YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT LIKE
ANYONE EVER PHONED
ME AND SAID,
"HAVE YOU GOT A LITTLE
SNAPSHOT OF YOURSELF
LOOKING DEPRESSED
OR MANIC?"
YOU KNOW,
LIKE FROM THIS SHOW.
AND, YOU KNOW,
RATHER THAN DESCRIBE I TO YOU,
I SO BADLY WAN TO SHOW IT TO YOU.
( laughter )
NO, IT'S TRUE.
IT'S REAL.
SO I'M NOT CRAZY.
THAT BITCH IS.
ANYONE THAT WOULD WEAR
A STUPID HAIRSTYLE
LIKE THA HAS TO BE NUTS.
NOW I HAVE
TWO MOODS
THAT I'VE NAMED
ROY AND PAM.
NOW ROY IS
ROLLICKING ROY,
THE WILD RIDE
OF A MOOD.
AND PAM--
PAM IS SEDIMENT PAM
WHO STANDS ON THE SHORE
AND SOBS.
ONE MOOD
IS THE MEAL,
THE NEXT MOOD--
THE CHECK.
EVER SINCE MY
FATEFUL ANNOUNCEMEN ON "DIANE SAWYER"
THAT I WAS MENTALLY ILL...
I WENT INTO
THIS OTHER PLACE.
AND I WAS HALLUCINATING.
LIKE ANYONE NEEDED
TO KNOW THAT, RIGHT?
I COULD SEE
CITIES OF THE--
FUTURISTIC CITIES
OUT THE WINDOW.
I MEAN,
DON'T YOU HATE I WHEN CELEBRITIES JUST--
BLAH BLAH BLAH--
TALK ABOUT THEMSELVES,
YOU KNOW...
IT WAS AS THOUGH
YOU COULD FEEL THE BACK
OF THE COOL OF THE MOOD
WITH YOUR HAND.
...TELL YOU EVERYTHING?
I MEAN,
WHO ASKED, RIGHT?
I JUST-- I FIND IT ALL
SO WEARYING.
ACTUALLY, THAT IS
MY POINT OF VIEW.
THAT'S WHY WHAT YOU'RE
WATCHING RIGHT NOW
IS ME TALK ABOUT MYSELF
BEHIND MY BACK.
NOW IF CARRIE--
IF CARRIE EVER
FOUND OU THAT CARRIE FISHER
IS DOING
A SOLIPSISTIC,
PEOPLE-PLEASING SHOW
LIKE THIS,
SHE WOULD BE
SO HUMILIATED.
SO, PLEASE,
IF YOU RUN INTO HER,
( whispers )
DON'T SAY ANYTHING.
ANYWAY, HAVING WAITED
MY ENTIRE LIFE
TO GET AN AWARD
FOR SOMETHING--
YOU KNOW, ANYTHING.
I DON'T CARE.
OKAY FINE,
NOT ACTING.
WHAT ABOUT A TEENY ONE
FOR WRITING?
--I NOW GET AWARDS
ALL THE TIME
FOR BEING
MENTALLY ILL.
NO, REALLY.
I AM APPARENTLY
VERY VERY GOOD AT I AND I GET HONORED
FOR IT REGULARLY.
MY DAUGHTER-- SHE TELLS ME
WHEN SHE GROWS UP
SHE WANTS TO EITHER BE
A SINGER OR A COMIC.
I SAID, "WELL, BABY,
IF YOU WANT TO BE A COMIC,
YOU GOTTA BE
A WRITER.
BUT DON'T WORRY.
YOU HAVE GO TONS OF MATERIAL.
YOUR MOTHER IS
A MANIC-DEPRESSIVE
DRUG ADDICT,
YOUR FATHER IS GAY,
YOUR GRANDMOTHER
TAP DANCES
AND YOUR GRANDFATHER
EATS HEARING AIDS."
AND MY DAUGHTER
LAUGHS AND LAUGHS
AND LAUGHS.
AND I SAID, "BABY,
THE FACT THAT YOU KNOW
THAT'S FUNNY
IS GONNA SAVE
YOUR WHOLE LIFE."
YEAH.
LOCATION LOCATION
LOCATION.
NOW I HEARD SOMEONE
SAY RECENTLY
THAT MANY OF US
ONLY SEEM ABLE
TO FIND HEAVEN
BY BACKING AWAY
FROM HELL.
AND, YOU KNOW,
WHILE THE PLACE
I'VE ARRIVED A IN MY LIFE
ISN'T PRECISELY EVERYONE'S
IDEA OF HEAVENLY,
I COULD SWEAR
SOMETIMES,
IF I'M QUIET ENOUGH...
I CAN HEAR
THE ANGELS SING.
EITHER THA OR I FUCKED UP
MY MEDICATION.
BUT--
( siren wailing )
SHIT, THERE'S MY RIDE.
BEFORE I GO THOUGH
I WANTED TO SHARE WITH YOU
SOME OF THE WISDOMS
THAT I HAVE ACQUIRED,
YOU KNOW,
FROM GOING THROUGH
ALL THIS SHIT, OKAY?
FIRST ONE--
RESENTMENT IS LIKE
DRINKING A POISON
AND WAITING FOR THE OTHER
PERSON TO DIE.
NOW SOME OF THE WISDOMS
THAT I HAVE
I GOT FROM MY
GRANDMOTHER--
MY MOTHER'S MOTHER,
THE CLOSET LOCKER--
WHO TAUGHT ME
A FLY IS AS LIKELY
TO LAND ON SHI AS IT IS ON PIE.
THAT'S TRUE.
( laughs )
SHE ALSO SAID,
"CRY ALL YOU WANT.
YOU'LL PEE LESS."
( piano playing )
YOUR CARES
AND TROUBLES
ARE GONE
THERE'LL BE NO MORE
FROM NOW ON
FROM NOW ON
HAPPY DAYS
ARE HERE AGAIN
THE SKIES ABOVE...
( recording continues )
ARE CLEAR AGAIN
SO LET'S SING
A SONG
OF CHEER AGAIN
HAPPY TIMES
HAPPY NIGHTS
HAPPY DAYS
ARE HERE
AGAIN.
HAPPY TIMES
HAPPY NIGHTS
HAPPY DAYS
ARE HERE
AGAIN.
OKAY.
THERE.
BYE. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THE DREAMS I DREAMED
HAVE ALL GONE ASTRAY.
Carrie Fisher:
HAPPY DAYS
ARE HERE AGAIN
THE SKIES ABOVE
ARE CLEAR AGAIN...
Man: GUYS, WE'RE A ABOUT 30 MINUTES TO 8:00,
SO HOW ARE WE DOING?
SO LET'S SING A SONG
OF CHEER AGAIN
HAPPY DAYS
ARE HERE AGAIN...
Man: I HAVE BRIAN
STANDING BY FOR A MIKE CHECK
WHENEVER YOU GUYS ARE READY.
- Man #2: GREAT, THANK YOU.
- ALL TOGETHER SHOUT IT NOW
THERE'S NO ONE
WHO CAN DOUBT IT NOW
SO LET'S TELL THE WORLD
ABOUT IT NOW...
CARRIE, WHEN YOU
HAVE A MOMENT,
COULD YOU JUS COUNT ONE TO 10 FOR ME,
PLEASE, AND MOVE AROUND
A LITTLE BIT?
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR,
FIVE, SIX,
SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, 10.
THERE'LL BE NO MORE
FROM NOW ON...
- OKAY, HERE WE GO.
- FROM NOW ON...
ALL RIGHT.
HAPPY DAYS
ARE HERE AGAIN
THE SKIES ABOVE
ARE CLEAR AGAIN...
Woman:
THERE'S A BIG,
FULL HOUSE OUT THERE.
THEY'RE SETTLING THEM IN.
THEY'RE VERY EXCITED.
HAPPY TIMES,
HAPPY NIGHTS...
SORRY.
HAPPY DAYS
ARE HERE...
HI.
I'M CARRIE FISHER,
AND I'M AN ALCOHOLIC.
AGAIN.
I DIDN'T REALLY GET YOUR
AREA THAT WELL, DID I?
AWW.
THANK YOU.
HERE.
( laughter )
OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH
OF THAT.
YOU'RE VERY WELCOME.
ANYTIME.
( sighs )
OKAY, NOW...
I HAVE TO STAR BY TELLING YOU
THAT MY ENTIRE LIFE
COULD BE SUMMED UP
IN ONE PHRASE,
AND THAT IS:
IF MY LIFE
WASN'T FUNNY
IT WOULD JUS BE TRUE,
AND THAT IS COMPLETELY
UNACCEPTABLE.
NOW WHAT THA MEANS IS,
OTHER THAN
WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE,
LET'S SAY SOMETHING
HAPPENS, RIGHT?
AND FROM A CERTAIN SLAN MAYBE IT'S TRAGIC,
EVEN A LITTLE BI SHOCKING.
AND THEN TIME PASSES
AND YOU GO
TO THE FUNNY SLANT.
AND NOW
THAT VERY SAME THING
CAN NO LONGER
DO YOU ANY HARM.
SO WHAT WE'RE REALLY
TALKING ABOUT THEN
IS LOCATION LOCATION
LOCATION.
NOW AN EXAMPLE OF
THE TRAGIC AND SHOCKING
MIGHT BE:
ABOUT FIVE YEARS AGO,
FOUR MONTHS
AND NINE DAYS,
A FRIEND OF MINE
DIED AT MY HOUSE.
BUT NOT CONTEN TO SIMPLY DIE
AT MY HOUSE,
THIS GUY ALSO DIED
IN MY BED.
YEAH.
SO HE DIDN'T JUS DIE IN HIS SLEEP,
HE DIED IN MINE.
IF YOU ENTERTAIN
LIKE I DO,
REALLY TRY TO ALER YOUR GUESTS
NOT TO DO THIS, OKAY?
FOR TWO REASONS
REALLY:
A-- IT'S KIND OF
BAD MANNERS
IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT,
YOU KNOW?
AND TWO--
IT TENDS
TO THROW THE HOST,
OR HOSTESS,
OFF THEIR GAME
A LITTLE BIT, YOU KNOW,
LIKE, FOR A YEAR
OR FIVE.
GREG WAS ONE OF MY
BEST FRIENDS.
HE WAS NOT MY BOYFRIEND
OR ANYTHING, YOU KNOW.
I MEAN, HE DIDN'T DIE
IN THE SADDLE,
WHICH WOULD'VE MADE ME
THE SADDLE.
NOW IF YOU HAVE,
SERIOUSLY,
ANY QUESTIONS AT ALL
ABOUT WHAT IT'S LIKE
TO WAKE UP NEXT TO A CORPSE
WHO WAS VERY RECENTLY
A BELOVED FRIEND,
YOU COULD JUST SHOUT OU WHATEVER QUESTION YOU HAD
AND I WOULD DO MY VERY BES TO FIELD IT.
SO YOU'VE ALL WOKEN UP
WITH DEAD BODIES?
Man:
WHAT WERE YOU WEARING?
WHAT WAS I WEARING?
YOU MEAN, IF IT WAS,
LIKE, A WRONG OUTFI THAT MIGHT HAVE
KILLED HIM?
NOW ACTUALLY ONE OF MY
FAVORITE QUESTIONS
THAT I'VE BEEN ASKED IS
WAS I NAKED.
I HAVEN'T BEEN NAKED
IN 15 YEARS.
AND I HAVEN'T BEEN
SLEEVELESS IN 20.
SOME OF YOU LADIES KNOW
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
I SHOULD TELL YOU
AT THIS POIN JUST TO GET YOU
GOING HERE,
GREG WAS A REPUBLICAN,
WHICH I DO BELIEVE
CONTRIBUTED IN PAR TO HIS DEATH.
( applause )
WELL, BUT NO,
HE DID--
HE HAD A VERY VERY
SERIOUS CASE.
HE WAS A LOBBYIST,
WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY FATAL
IN SOME INSTANCES.
Woman:
WHAT WAS HE WEARING?
WHAT WAS
HE WEARING?
WHAT THE FUCK
DOES IT MATTER?
HE WAS DEAD.
THE DEAD,
CONTRARY TO RUMOR,
DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOU WHAT THEY'RE WEARING.
Woman #2:
WHO WAS THE FIRS PERSON YOU CALLED?
WHO WOULD YOU CALL
IN THAT SITUATION?
- Woman #2: I'M NOT SURE.
- Woman #3: YOUR MOTHER.
WELL YES,
THAT'S TRUE.
WELL, NOW IF YOU KNEW
MY MOTHER, MAYBE NOT.
911, OKAY?
AND THE POLICE DID COME,
AS THEY OFTEN DO
WHEN THERE ARE DEAD BODIES
STREWN ABOUT.
SO I'M ACTUALLY--
I'M STANDING
IN THE LIVING ROOM
WITH THIS POLICEMAN.
HE TURNS TO ME
AND HE SAYS,
"I REALLY LIKE
YOUR HOUSE."
MY FRIEND DAVE SAID TO ME
AT THE TIME,
"YOU KNOW, HONEY,
I KNOW THIS IS ALL
JUST A GIGANTIC
PAIN IN THE ASS."
AND I SAID,
"IF I COULD ISOLATE
THE PAIN
JUST TO MY ASS,
IT WOULD BE
FANTASTIC."
AND HE SAID, "WELL,
THAT'S THE MEDITATION
THEN."
ANYWAY, ENOUGH
ABOUT DEATH, OKAY?
I JUST--
I WANTED TO GE THAT BUMMER STORY
OUT OF THE WAY
AT THE TOP
OF THE SHOW.
NOW I WAS BORN
IN BURBANK, CALIFORNIA,
TO SIMPLE FOLK,
PEOPLE OF THE LAND.
NO, ACTUALLY.
MY FATHER WAS
A FAMOUS SINGER.
TWEEDLE DEE, TWEEDLE DEE
TWEEDLE DEE DEE
I'M AS HAPPY
AS CAN BE...
AND MY MOM--
YOU WANT TO HEAR
SOMETHING REALLY COOL?
MY MOTHER'S
A MOVIE STAR.
- ( fans cheering )
- Woman: DEBBIE, WE LOVE YOU!
SHE IS LITERALLY,
LIKE, AN ICON--
A GAY ICON,
BUT YOU TAKE YOUR
ICONIC STATURE
WHERE YOU CAN
GET IT.
MY FATHER--
HE HAD A LO OF HIT SONGS.
BUT I THINK THE ONE
HE'S BEST REMEMBERED FOR
IS THE SONG
"OH! MY PAPA"--
OH! MY PAPA...
--WHICH I LIKE
TO CALL
"OH MY FAUX PAS."
AND MY MOTHER,
SHE HAD--
SHE DID TONS OF FILMS,
YOU KNOW,
BUT PROBABLY
THE ONE SHE'S BES REMEMBERED FOR
IS THE CLASSIC FILM
"SINGING IN THE RAIN."
SHE WAS ALSO
NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR
FOR BEST ACTRESS
FOR HER WORK IN
"THE UNSINKABLE MOLLY BROWN."
BUT SHE LOS TO JULIE ANDREWS
FOR HER STUNNING,
LAYERED
AND MOVING PORTRAI OF MARY POPPINS.
I THINK IT WAS
IBSEN'S "MARY POPPINS."
AND MY MOTHER--
SHE ALSO MADE ANOTHER FILM
CALLED "TAMMY,"
WHICH WAS A HIT SONG
AS WELL,
WHICH REALLY
PISSED OFF MY DAD
'CAUSE THAT WAS
HIS AREA, YOU KNOW?
TAMMY, TAMMY
CAN'T LET HIM GO...
SHE WAS-- ACTUALLY
SHE WAS PREGNANT WITH ME
WHEN SHE FILMED
"TAMMY."
SHE WAS ALSO
PREGNANT WITH ME
IN YET ANOTHER FILM.
AND THIS ONE WAS CALLED
"A BUNDLE OF JOY,"
COSTARRING THA MARVELOUS METHOD ACTOR
EDDIE FISHER.
( swing music playing )
PREGNANT, OKAY?
OH, NOW YOU'RE GONNA SEE
LAMAZE IN THE '50s
COMING UP.
THERE IT IS.
OH YEAH.
I THINK THAT EXPLAINS
A LOT, DON'T YOU?
( applause )
YEAH.
WHEN I WAS BORN
MY MOM WAS GIVEN
ANESTHESIA.
THEY DIDN'T HAVE EPIDURALS
IN THOSE DAYS, RIGHT?
SO MY MOTHER
WAS UNCONSCIOUS.
NOW MY MOTHER
IS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
I MEAN, SERIOUSLY,
SHE'S BEAUTIFUL
TODAY AT 78.
AT 24
SHE LOOKED LIKE
A CHRISTMAS MORNING.
SO ALL THE DOCTORS--
THEY'RE BUZZING AROUND
HER HEAD GOING,
"OH LOOK, THERE'S
DEBBIE REYNOLDS ASLEEP.
HOW PRETTY."
THEN MY FATHER,
UPON SEEING ME,
YOU KNOW,
START TO COME THROUGH--
CROWN, WITH ALL THE PLACENTA
AND THE-- UGH--
MY FATHER FAINTS
DEAD AWAY.
SO NOW
ALL THE NURSES GO,
"OH LOOK, THERE'S
EDDIE FISHER THE CROONER
ON THE GROUND.
LET'S GO LOOK AT HIM."
SO WHEN I ARRIVED
I WAS VIRTUALLY
UNATTENDED.
AND I'VE BEEN
TRYING
TO MAKE UP FOR THAT FAC EVER SINCE.
EVEN THIS SHOW
TONIGH IS A PATHETIC BID
FOR THE ATTENTION
THAT I LACKED
AS A NEWBORN.
- ( applause )
- OH, THANK YOU.
THAT HELPS SO MUCH.
YEAH.
MY DAD--
HE WAS BEST FRIENDS
WITH THIS VERY VERY
CHARISMATIC PRODUCER
WHOSE NAME WAS
MIKE TODD.
HE PRODUCED
A FILM CALLED
"AROUND THE WORLD
IN 80 DAYS,"
WHICH WON AN OSCAR
FOR BEST PICTURE.
SO MY FATHER,
MY MOTHER,
MIKE TODD
AND HIS FIANCEE,
WHO HAPPENED TO BE
ELIZABETH TAYLOR--
WELL, YOU KNOW,
THEY WENT EVERYWHERE
TOGETHER, RIGHT?
I MEAN,
THEY WENT TO NIGHTCLUBS.
THEY WENT ON CRUISES.
THEY LITERALLY TRAVELED
THE WORLD.
SO WHEN MIKE AND ELIZABETH
GOT MARRIED,
MY FATHER WAS
MIKE TODD'S BEST MAN
AND MY MOTHER WAS
ELIZABETH'S
MATRON OF HONOR.
YEAH.
SHE EVEN WASHED HER HAIR
ON HER WEDDING DAY.
NOW LATER I DID
HEAR HER MUMBLE
THAT SHE WISHED
SHE'D WASHED IT WITH NAIR.
BUT SHE'S NOT A BITTER
WOMAN REALLY, YOU KNOW.
ANYWAY, I WAS ABOU ONE AND A HALF OR TWO
WHEN MY BROTHER
WAS BORN.
AND MY FATHER--
HE SO ADORED
THIS MAN MIKE TODD
THAT MY BROTHER TODD
WAS NAMED FOR HIM.
BUT, YOU KNOW,
IN THE JEWISH FAITH
IT IS CONSIDERED
BACK LUCK
TO NAME A NEWBORN
AFTER SOMEONE
WHO'S STILL LIVING--
A SILLY SUPERSTITION...
OR SO THEY THOUGHT.
'CAUSE ABOU A YEAR LATER
MIKE TODD TOOK OFF
IN A PRIVATE PLANE
IN A RAINSTORM.
Newscaster:
MISS TAYLOR WAS
IN A STATE OF COLLAPSE
FOLLOWING
THE DEATH OF HER HUSBAND
IN A PLANE CRASH.
AND THE FOLLOWING
MORNING
ELIZABETH WAS
A WIDOW.
WELL, YOU KNOW,
NATURALLY MY FATHER FLEW
TO ELIZABETH'S SIDE,
GRADUALLY MAKING HIS WAY
SLOWLY TO HER FRONT.
( laughter )
HE DRIED HER EYES
WITH HIS HANDKERCHIEF.
HE CONSOLED HER
WITH FLOWERS.
AND ULTIMATELY
HE CONSOLED HER
WITH HIS PENIS.
THIS MADE MARRIAGE
TO MY MOTHER AWKWARD.
AND SO HE WAS GONE
WITHIN THE WEEK.
Newscaster:
DEBBIE REYNOLDS WEN INTO COUR AND IN FIVE MINUTES HAD
A DIVORCE FROM EDDIE FISHER.
SHOWING NO EMOTION,
THE 26-YEAR-OLD TESTIFIED
HER HUSBAND HAD BECOME
INTERESTED IN ANOTHER WOMAN.
IT WASN'T LONG AFTERWARD
THAT THE SINGER WAS MARRIED
TO THE WIDOW OF HIS
GOOD FRIEND MIKE TODD.
RECENTLY MY DAUGHTER
BILLIE--
SHE'S ACTUALLY
ABOUT TO TURN 18--
SHE HAD A FLIRTATION
WITH MIKE TODD
AND ELIZABETH'S GRANDSON.
AND WHEN THEY FIRST MET,
YOU KNOW,
THEY WERE TRYING
TO WORK OU HOW IT ALL
FIT TOGETHER, RIGHT,
AND IF THEY WERE
RELATED IN ANY WAY.
SO I THOUGH ABOUT IT.
NOW WHEN I THINK,
I NEED AN ENORMOUS
BLACKBOARD.
ALSO IT IS HELPFUL
IF I CAN HAVE
A STICK.
THAT WAY
I COULD POIN TO THE VARIOUS PEOPLE
ON THE BLACKBOARD AND--
WHEN YOU PRAY.
THIS IS GARRET--
MY SPIRITUAL ADVISOR
AND GYNECOLOGIST.
THANK YOU.
WELL, YOU NEVER KNOW.
SO WELCOME, CLASS,
TO HOLLYWOOD 101.
ALL RIGHT, SO OVER HERE
WE HAVE DEBBIE AND EDDIE.
NOW IN THE '50s
THEY WERE KNOWN
AS AMERICA'S
SWEETHEARTS.
FOR THOSE OF YOU
THAT ARE YOUNGER,
TRY TO THINK OF I THIS WAY:
THINK OF EDDIE
AS BRAD PITT,
DEBBIE AS
JENNIFER ANISTON
AND ELIZABETH
AS ANGELINA JOLIE.
DOES THAT HELP?
THAT SHOULD HELP, RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT, SO...
EDDIE CONSOLES ELIZABETH
WITH HIS PENIS.
ELIZABETH TAKES
A MOVIE IN ROME--
A BIG-BUDGET FILM
"CLEOPATRA."
SHE MEETS HER COSTAR
RICHARD BURTON.
WELL, GOODBYE EDDIE,
HELLO RICHARD.
THE TWO OF THEM--
THEY HIT IT OFF
LIKE GANGBUSTERS,
YOU KNOW?
AND THEY ME AND THEY MARRIED
AND THEY HAD A WILD,
TEMPESTUOUS RELATIONSHIP
OF VIOLET EYES
AND WELSH ACCENTS
AND DRINKING
AND DANCING
AND LUST AND JOY
AND FUN.
BUT IT WAS A TEMPESTUOUS
RELATIONSHIP.
SO AFTER A WHILE
THE STORM CLOUDS CAME,
AND WHAT HAPPENED?
NO CHEATING.
WHAT?
STORM CLOUDS
ARE A NEGATIVE.
Woman:
DIVORCE.
- DIVORCE, OKAY.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
- NICOLE.
- WHAT?
- NICOLE.
NICOLE.
OKAY, NICOLE,
WHAT WE DO WITH OUR
BETTER STUDENTS
HERE A HOLLYWOOD 101--
WE PROVIDE THEM
WITH A MEDAL.
THINK OF I AS A METAPHOR
- FOR GETTING A MEDAL.
- OKAY.
- LOOK, IT'S KIND OF LIKE BEING
IN "THE WIZARD OF OZ."
- SHOULD I COME AND GET IT?
YOU'RE OUT OF THE WOODS,
YOU'RE OUT OF THE DARK,
YOU'RE OUT OF THE--
- NOW LOOK, YOU HAVE TO
UNDO IT BECAUSE--
- OH, THANK YOU.
THERE WE GO.
NOW, NICOLE, YOU STILL--
- THE MEDAL FELL OFF.
- OH JESUS.
WELL, LET ME JUST PUT I IN YOUR CLEAVAGE THEN.
( audience laughter )
- WHICH IS AMPLE.
- THAT'S GOOD.
- OKAY.
- THANK YOU.
NOW, NICOLE,
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
STILL EARN THIS, OKAY?
- OKAY, I GOT IT.
- ALL RIGHT, YOU CAN
SIT BACK DOWN.
- ALL RIGHT, SO...
- ( applause )
AS NICOLE SAID,
THEY DID GE A DIVORCE.
BUT THEY HAD
GOOD MEMORIES
OF EACH OTHER,
SO, NICOLE,
WHAT'D THEY DO THEN?
- THEY GOT MARRIED AGAIN.
- THEY REMARRIED. EXACTLY.
ALL RIGHT, NOW KEEP
THAT IN MIND
'CAUSE IT MIGH COME UP AGAIN.
LET'S GO
TO DEBBIE, OKAY?
DEBBIE DOES NOT WAN ANOTHER MAN
WHO'LL JUST RUN OFF.
SO SHE MARRIES
SOMEONE VERY VERY OLD,
WHO CAN'T RUN.
NOW HE JUST SITS
IN A CHAIR,
HE SMOKES
AND HE DRINKS.
AND AFTER ABOU 13 YEARS
HE LOSES
ALL HIS MONEY
AND THEN HE TAKES
ALL HERS--
FUN.
AND THEY GO DIVORCED.
AND SHE WAS ALONE
FOR A WHILE.
BUT THEN
FATE INTERVENED
AND BROUGHT HER
THIS SOCIOPATH.
YEAH, THAT'S
RICHARD HAMLETT.
HE HAD MONEY ISSUES TOO--
HER MONEY.
BUT NOW BEFORE WE GE TOO FAR PAS THIS FIRST STEPFATHER
RIGHT HERE,
THIS MAN IS NAMED
HARRY KARL.
HARRY WAS
A SHOE TYCOON.
DOESN'T SOUND
LIKE THOSE WORDS
SHOULD FI TOGETHER, DOES IT?
IN THIS CASE THEY DO.
ALL RIGHT,
SO PRIOR TO BEING
MARRIED TO MY MOM,
HARRY WAS MARRIED
TO THIS WOMAN RIGHT HERE.
THIS IS MARIE McDONALD--
MARIE "THE BODY" McDONALD,
AS SHE WAS KNOWN.
MARIE WAS
AN ACTRESS-- ISH.
AND SO THEY ME AND THEY MARRIED,
AND THEY HAD A WILD,
TEMPESTUOUS RELATIONSHIP.
THEY HAD A CHILD.
AND THAT WEN SO WELL,
THEY ADOPTED
TWO MORE.
NOW MARIE McDONALD
WAS A VERY OPTIMISTIC,
ROMANTIC WOMAN.
AND I SAY THIS
BECAUSE SHE MARRIED
A GRAND TOTAL
OF NINE TIMES.
YEAH.
NOW THAT IS A RECORD
FOR THE BOARD.
AND THAT IS
SAYING SOMETHING,
BECAUSE THIS IS
A MARRYING BOARD.
IF YOU MARRY
THAT MANY TIMES,
YOU'RE BOUND TO GE A HEADACHE, NO?
TWICE GAVE ME
A WHOPPER.
ANYWAY, I THINK IT DID,
YOU KNOW,
GIVE POOR MARIE
A HEADACHE
BECAUSE SHE WOUND UP
ADDICTED TO PAINKILLERS.
NOW YOU WANT TO HEAR
SOMETHING REALLY WILD?
I JUST FOUND THIS OUT.
IF YOU GET ADDICTED
TO PAINKILLERS,
IT CAN TURN OUT TO GO
VERY WRONG FOR YOU.
WHO KNEW THAT?
IT DID GO WRONG
FOR MARIE,
BECAUSE SHE ENDED UP
OVERDOSING AND PASSING ON.
AND THAT LAST HUSBAND
OF HERS
SHOT HIMSELF.
WELL, THEY LOVED EACH OTHER
TO DEATH.
SO NOW THERE ARE
THESE THREE CHILDREN LEFT.
WHAT SHOULD WE DO
WITH THEM?
OH, I KNOW.
LET'S SEND THEM
TO HARRY AND DEBBIE.
THEY ARE TOLD
THAT ONE OF THESE
THREE CHILDREN
SHOULD BE
INSTITUTIONALIZED.
BUT MY MOTHER IS
A GOOD PERSON,
MUCH LIKE SARAH PALIN,
ONLY SMARTER.
AND SHE SAID,
"ABSOLUTELY NOT.
WE WILL PUT HER
IN CARRIE'S ROOM!"
IT'S FUNNY NOW.
NOW LET'S GO TO EDDIE,
SHALL WE?
HOW DO YOU
FOLLOW AN ACT LIKE
ELIZABETH TAYLOR, RIGHT?
SO HE-- HE THINKS OF
SOMETHING THOUGH.
HE DOES
PULL SOMETHING TOGETHER.
HE MEETS
THIS WOMAN RIGHT HERE.
NOW THIS IS
A BLONDE, CUTE,
PERKY LITTLE ACTRESS.
SOUNDS FAMILIAR,
DOESN'T IT?
NO, IT'S NO DEBBIE AGAIN.
IT'S A TRIBUTE
TO DEBBIE.
IT'S CONNIE STEVENS!
SO THEY ME AND THEY HAD
JOELY FISHER
AND TRICIA FISHER.
OH WAIT.
HANG ON A SECOND.
DID THEY FORGE TO GET MARRIED?
THEY DID.
THEY FORGOT.
WELL, BUT NOW THEY REMEMBER
AND THEY MARRY.
BUT AS ALL OF YOU KNOW,
LEGAL SEX
IS JUST SHITE.
THEY HAVE THE DREADFUL
LEGAL SEX.
THE STORM CLOUDS COME.
NICOLE, WHAT HAPPENED?
- THEY GET DIVORCED.
- THEY GOT A DIVORCE.
BUT DON'T WORRY.
MY FATHER'S NOT ALONE
FOR LONG.
BECAUSE NOW HE MEETS
AND MARRIES
THIS GIRL--
MISS LOUISIANA!
YES, SHE'S THREE YEARS
OLDER THAN I AM
AND SHE CALLS ME
"DEAR."
SHE'S IN HER EARLY 20s.
HE'S IN HIS LATE 50s.
SHE HAD SO MANY YEARS
TO DEVOTE TO HIM.
BUT WEIRDLY,
AFTER A VERY
SHORT TIME,
NICOLE, WHAT HAPPENED?
THEY DIVORCED.
THEY DIVORCED.
I WAS STUNNED.
BUT DON'T WORRY.
MY FATHER IS NOT ALONE
FOR LONG.
BECAUSE NOW HE MEETS
AND MARRIES
THIS WOMAN RIGHT HERE.
THIS IS BETTY LIN.
BETTY'S FROM SHANGHAI.
AND SHE TAKES GREAT CARE
OF MY DAD,
WHICH, YOU KNOW,
HE NEEDS.
ALSO, BETTY IS RICH,
WHICH IS HANDY,
'CAUSE MY FATHER
HAS GONE BANKRUP FOUR TIMES BY NOW.
ANYWAY, THEY'RE TOGETHER
15 GLORIOUS YEARS.
BUT THEN, NICOLE,
WHAT HAPPENED?
- THEY GOT A DIVORCE?
- NO.
- NO?
- THIS IS A TRICK QUESTION.
SHE DID--
SHE PASSED AWAY.
I KNOW.
IT WAS REALLY SAD.
BUT DON'T WORRY.
MY DAD IS NOT ALONE
FOR LONG.
BECAUSE NOW
MY FATHER DATES
ALL OF CHINATOWN!
WELL, NOW HANG ON
A SECOND NOW.
MY FATHER HAS HAD
SO MANY FACELIFTS
THAT HE LOOKS
ASIAN HIMSELF.
IT MAKES I MORE RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHA I'M TALKING ABOUT.
SO LET'S RECAP,
SHALL WE?
OKAY, EDDIE AND DEBBIE
HAVE THE GOOD SEX.
THEY CELEBRATE.
THEY HAVE TODD AND MYSELF.
I GROW UP--
( chuckles )
A MATTER OF OPINION.
AND I MEET AND MARRY
THIS MAN RIGHT HERE.
THIS IS PAUL SIMON.
PAUL SIMON IS A SHOR JEWISH SINGER.
( laughter )
A SHOR JEWISH SINGER.
ANY QUESTIONS?
MY MOTHER MAKES
A BLUEPRIN AND I FOLLOW I TO THE LETTER.
ALL RIGHT, SO PAUL AND I--
GREAT MARRIAGE,
WORDS WORDS,
SO MANY WORDS,
BIG WORDS,
CLEVER WORDS.
UH-OH, THE WORDS
GET MEAN, NICOLE.
WHAT HAPPENED?
- YOU DIVORCED.
- WE DIVORCED.
BUT DON'T WORRY.
I AM NOT ALONE FOR LONG,
BECAUSE NOW I MEE THIS GOY-- GUY.
THIS GUY.
THIS IS BRYAN LOURD.
BRYAN'S A TALENT AGENT--
LESS WORDS, GOOD SEX.
WE CELEBRATE.
WE HAVE
BILLIE LOURD, OKAY?
ELIZABETH TAYLOR
AND MIKE TODD--
THEY HAVE LIZA TODD.
AND WHEN MIKE
PASSES AWAY,
MY FATHER
ADOPTS HER.
ALSO, LIZA IS
A WONDERFUL SCULPTRESS.
AND SHE MEETS AND MARRIES
HER ART PROFESSOR--
PROFESSOR HAP TIVEY.
HAP IS SHORT FOR HAPPY,
SO HE'S NOT JEWISH.
ANYWAY, THEY MEE AND THEY CELEBRATE.
THEY HAVE QUINN TIVEY
AND RHYS TIVEY.
SO QUINN TIVEY
AND BILLIE LOURD--
ARE THEY RELATED?
Man: NO.
ARE THEY?
Audience:
NO.
YES, THEY ARE.
I TOLD THEM,
"YOU ARE RELATED
BY SCANDAL."
I JUST-- I HOPE
THE TWO OF THEM MARRY
SO ALL THIS
WILL HAVE BEEN WORTHWHILE.
AND THAT IS
HOLLYWOOD INBREEDING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
( grunts )
HOLLYWOOD INBREEDING--
IT'S A LITTLE BI LIKE ROYAL INBREEDING,
YOU KNOW.
AND CELEBRITY--
IT'S KIND OF LIKE
AMERICA'S ROYALTY, RIGHT?
I ACTUALLY--
I LIKE TO THINK
OF CELEBRITY
AS JUST OBSCURITY
BIDING ITS TIME.
SO...
( laughter )
SO MY BROTHER AND I
GREW UP WATCHING
OUR PARENTS'
ONCE WHITE HOT,
BRIGHT STAR OF CELEBRITY
SLOWLY DIM,
COOL AND FADE.
WE WATCHED THIS
FROM A HOUSE THAT I CALL
THE EMBASSY.
'CAUSE REALLY IT LOOKED
MUCH MORE LIKE A PLACE
WHERE YOU'D GE YOUR PASSPORT STAMPED,
YOU KNOW,
WELL, THAN A HOUSE.
I MEAN, WHERE WOULD YOU
PUT A CHRISTMAS WREATH
ON A THING LIKE THIS?
IT LOOKS LIKE
AN AIR CONDITIONER,
DOESN'T IT?
SO OBVIOUSLY
IT IS A MODERN HOUSE,
A WARM HOUSE.
AND IT HAD THINGS
THAT MOST NORMAL HOUSES
DON'T HAVE.
FOR EXAMPLE, WE HAD
EIGHT LITTLE
PINK REFRIGERATORS
IN CASE SNOW WHITE
AND THE SEVEN DWARVES
SHOWED UP.
AND WE HAD A LANAI.
OH, WE HAD
THREE POOLS,
IN CASE TWO BROKE.
MY STEPFATHER
HARRY KARL--
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU
NOTICED OR NOT--
HE WASN'T REALLY
A HANDSOME MAN.
BUT BECAUSE
HE WAS WEALTHY
AND WELL-GROOMED,
HE WAS SAID TO BE
DISTINGUISHED-LOOKING.
THAT'S UGLY WITH MONEY.
( chuckles )
ACTUALLY THEY MADE
A MOVIE
ABOUT HARRY KARL
AND MARIE McDONALD
AND THE MULTIPLE
MARRIAGES,
AND IT WAS CALLED
"THE MARRYING MAN."
AND ALEC BALDWIN
PLAYED HARRY KARL.
AND I THINK
THE RESEMBLANCE
IS ASTONISHING.
I REALLY DO.
OH, AND THE BARBER
THAT CAME EVERY DAY
TO KEEP HIM
DISTINGUISHED-LOOKING,
WE FOUND OUT LATER
THAT THAT BARBER
WAS ACTUALLY A PIMP
WITH A TALEN FOR HAIR.
AND FOR THOSE OF YOU
WITH PIMPS,
NICOLE, YOU KNOW,
THEY USUALLY--
THEY CAN'T DO HAIR
FOR SHIT.
SO, YOU KNOW,
THIS MADE MARRIAGE
TO MY MOTHER AWKWARD,
SO WHAT SHE DID THOUGH WAS--
SHE'S CRAFTY--
SHE GOT-- SHE TOOK THIS
MUSICAL IN NEW YORK
TO GET OUT OF
THE MARRIAGE,
WHICH IN HOLLYWOOD
IS ACTUALLY
A LEGAL WAY
TO DISSOLVE A UNION
WITHOUT INVOLVING
LAWYERS.
AND SHE TOOK ME
OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL
AND PUT ME IN THE CHORUS
OF THIS MUSICAL.
AND I DON'T CARE
WHAT YOU'VE HEARD,
CHORUS WORK IS
FAR MORE VALUABLE
THAN AN EDUCATION
WOULD EVER BE,
CLEARLY.
I GREW UP--
I GREW UP KNOWING
THAT I HAD
THE PRETTIEST MOTHER
OF ANYONE
IN MY CLASS.
BUT, YOU KNOW,
MY MOM--
SHE'S ALSO--
SHE'S A LITTLE BI ECCENTRIC.
I MEAN, SHE DOES--
SHE HAS A LOT OF
UNIQUE IDEAS.
FOR EXAMPLE,
SHE THOUGH THAT I SHOULD HAVE
A CHILD
WITH HER LAST HUSBAND
RICHARD
BECAUSE IT WOULD HAVE
NICE EYES.
I SHOULD PROBABLY
EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU
BEFORE YOU THINK
IT'S WEIRD.
UH, SEE,
THE THING IS,
MY MOTHER-- SHE'D GONE
THROUGH THE CHANGE,
YOU KNOW?
SO SHE DIDN'T--
SHE COULDN'T HAVE
CHILDREN ANYMORE.
AND RICHARD
DIDN'T HAVE ANY CHILDREN
OF HIS OWN YET.
AND HE HAD
NICE EYES.
AND MY WOMB
WAS FREE.
AND WE'RE RELATED.
MY MOTHER WANTS ME
TO EXPLAIN TO YOU
THAT SHE THOUGH THAT YOU COULD INSEMINATE
SOMEONE
BY GIVING THEM
AN INJECTION IN YOUR ARM,
PUTTING THE SEMEN
RIGHT HERE.
IF SHE EVER THOUGH THAT IT INVOLVED
SOMETHING SOUTHERLY,
SHE NEVER WOULD'VE
SUGGESTED IT, OKAY?
NOW MY MOTHER DID NO JUST BRING THIS UP
ONCE OR TWICE
LIKE A NORMAL
MOTHER WOULD,
LIKE YOU WOULD.
NO, SHE BROUGHT IT UP
MANY MANY TIMES
AND MOSTLY
WHILE I WAS DRIVING.
AND WHEN I FINALLY
SUGGESTED TO HER
THAT, YOU KNOW, MIGHT BE
AN ODD IDEA,
SHE SAID,
"OH DARLING,
HAVE YOU READ
'THE ENQUIRER' LATELY?
WE LIVE IN A VERY
STRANGE WORLD."
WELL, WHEN
"THE ENQUIRER"
BECOMES YOUR STANDARD
FOR LIVING,
YOU'RE IN A LO OF TROUBLE.
WHEN I TOLD
MY GRANDMOTHER
ABOUT MY MOM'S IDEA,
SHE SAID,
"WELL, THAT'S NO RIGHT."
THE VOICE OF REASON,
RIGHT?
MY GRANDMA MAXINE--
SHE WAS FROM
EL PASO, TEXAS.
MY MOTHER'S
WHOLE CLAN
WAS FROM TEXAS
AND ALL AROUND THERE.
AND MY FATHER'S PEOPLE
WERE FROM SOUTH PHILLY,
IN THAT AREA.
SO BASICALLY
WE'RE WHITE TRASH.
WELL, BECAUSE OF
THE CELEBRITY FACTOR THOUGH,
I LIKE TO THINK OF US
AS BLUE-BLOODED WHITE TRASH,
YOU KNOW.
ANYWAY, I BRING UP
MY GRANDMOTHER
BECAUSE WHEN MY MOTHER
WAS ABOUT SEVEN,
MY GRANDMOTHER LOCKED HER
IN THE CLOSET.
SO AFTER MY MOM
HAD BEEN IN THE CLOSE ABOUT AN HOUR,
SHE ASKED MY GRANDMOTHER
FOR A GLASS OF WATER.
AND MY GRANDMOTHER
NATURALLY SAID, "WHY?"
AND MY MOTHER SAID,
"BECAUSE I'VE SPI ALL OVER YOUR DRESSES
AND NOW I'VE RUN OU OF SPI AND I WANT TO SPI ALL OVER YOUR SHOES."
THESE ARE THE PEOPLE
I HAIL FROM, OKAY?
MY MOTHER AND I--
ULTIMATELY WE DIDN' GO FORWARD
WITH THE PLAN FOR ME
TO HAVE RICHARD'S BABY.
YEAH, AND I KNOW
IT'S PROBABLY BES WE DIDN'T.
WELL, I MEAN,
ASIDE FROM THE OBVIOUS--
MY SISTER,
MY DAUGHTER,
MY SISTER, MY DAUGHTER--
OW--
MY MOTHER ENDED UP
HATING RICHARD.
AND SHE HAD A REALLY
REALLY GOOD REASON.
THIS MAN--
HE BROKE
HER PENSION PLAN.
OW.
THAT'S HARD TO DO.
AND HE TOOK
ALL THE MONEY SHE'D MADE
SINCE HARRY TOOK
THE FIRST BATCH.
SO SHE SAYS TO ME
AT THIS POINT,
"YOU KNOW, DEAR,
EDDIE'S STARTING TO LOOK
LIKE THE GOOD HUSBAND."
"EDDIE THE GOOD HUSBAND"
BY ANTON CHEKHOV.
WHAT CAN YOU
REALLY SAY
ABOUT MY FATHER?
I'M ASKING YOU.
ALL RIGHT, WELL,
I DON'T KNOW WHA YOU CAN SAY,
BUT HERE'S
WHAT I CAN SAY.
MY FATHER--
HE IS UNBELIEVABLY
CHARMING.
I MEAN, SERIOUSLY,
YOU WOULD LOVE HIM.
HE'S ADORABLE.
I MEAN, THERE IS A REASON
THAT HE WAS ABLE TO SCORE
ALL THA UNBELIEVABLE PUSSY--
WELL, YOU KNOW,
I MEAN,
AND GET ALL THOSE
FANTASTIC WOMEN
TO MARRY HIM.
Eddie Fisher:
IF I LOVED YOU
TIME AND AGAIN...
MY FATHER IS 81
AND HE SMOKES
FIVE JOINTS A DAY,
FOR MEDICINAL
PURPOSES, OF COURSE.
SO WE CALL HIM
PUFF DADDY.
UM...
( applause )
NO, THE GREAT THING
ABOUT THAT IS--
WE DID THIS SHOW NEAR TO
WHERE MY DAD LIVES.
SO HE CAME
TO THE OPENING NIGH AND HE BROUGH HIS DEALER.
WHICH WAS FANTASTIC,
YOU KNOW,
'CAUSE YOU REALLY
WANT THE DEALER'S
POINT OF VIEW
ON ANY WORK YOU DO.
RIGHT?
YOU KNOW WHA I'M TALKING ABOUT.
ACTUALLY
A FEW MONTHS BACK
I SENT MY FATHER
A COUPLE A STRIPPERS,
AS ONE DOES.
AND HE WAS
UNBELIEVABLY GRATEFUL.
HE CALLED ME
AND HE SAID,
"BABY, I WILL DO
ANYTHING YOU SAY.
I MEAN, YOU SAY,
'RUN,'
AND I SAY,
'HOW HIGH?'"
NOW...
ANYWAY,
A FEW YEARS BACK
BILLIE AND I WEN TO SAN FRANCISCO
TO VISIT MY--
WHERE HE LIVES,
'CAUSE THERE IS A REALLY
BIG CHINATOWN THERE.
THERE IS.
AND THE DAY BEFORE,
MY FATHER--
HE'D GOTTEN THESE
LITTLE HEARING AIDS.
YOU KNOW THOSE
TEENY TINY ONES?
THEY FIT RIGH IN YOUR EARS, RIGHT?
THEY'RE SUPER EXPENSIVE.
WELL, MY DAD--
HE'D GOTTEN THEM
THE DAY BEFORE, RIGHT?
SO THE NIGHT BEFORE
HE DIDN'T WAN TO LOSE THEM
OR FORGE WHERE THEY WERE,
SO HE PUT THEM
IN HIS PILLBOX
NEXT TO HIS BED
SO THAT HE WOULD REME--
( laughter )
YES, IN THE MORNING
HE ATE THEM.
SO WHENEVER HE COULDN' HEAR BILLIE OR MYSELF,
WE'D YELL INTO HIS STOMACH
OR HIS ASS.
I WISH
I WAS KIDDING.
SUBSEQUENTLY HE GO THE HEARING AIDS AGAIN
AND I DID HAVE
THE OPPORTUNITY
TO SEE THEM.
THEY ARE SIZE
OF A LIMA BEAN--
A RUBBER LIMA BEAN
WITH AN ANTENNA.
NOW LOOK,
I ADORE PILLS.
I MEAN, SERIOUSLY,
HUGE FAN.
BUT THESE WERE TRULY
LIKE NONE
I HAD EVER SEEN.
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE LIKE
IN THE MORNING.
WELL, I KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE LIKE, BUT...
I AM NOT THAT SHARP,
BUT I THINK
I WOULD KNOW
IF I WERE EATING
A RUBBER LIMA BEAN
WITH AN ANTENNA
TWICE.
WELL, IF YOU HAVE
A LIFE LIKE MINE--
AND I KNOW
SOME OF YOU DO,
'CAUSE I RECOGNIZE YOU
FROM MY GROUP,
YES--
THEN THESE THINGS--
THEY GRADUALLY ACCUMULATE
UNTIL YOU BECOME KNOWN
AS A SURVIVOR.
IT'S A TERM
I REALLY DON'T--
I DON'T LIKE IT,
YOU KNOW, REALLY.
BUT THE THING IS,
WHEN YOU ARE A SURVIVOR--
WHICH, OKAY, WHATEVER.
I, YOU KNOW,
RELUCTANTLY AGREE
THAT I AM,
AND WHO HERE
OVER 40 ISN'T?
BUT WHEN YOU ARE
A SURVIVOR,
IN ORDER TO BE
A REALLY GOOD ONE,
YOU HAVE TO KEEP
GETTING IN TROUBLE
TO SHOW OFF YOUR GIFT.
NOW MY MOTHER SAYS,
"WELL, DEAR,
WHAT ARE THE CHOICES?
NOT SURVIVING?"
MY MOTHER,
WHO INCIDENTALLY LIVES
NEXT DOOR TO ME--
THAT'S NOT FUNNY--
SHE CALLS ME TO THIS DAY
AND SAYS,
"HELLO, DEAR.
THIS IS YOUR MOTHER
DEBBIE."
HEY, IT COULD BE
MY MOTHER VLADIMIR.
YOU NEVER EVER KNOW.
I HAD BEEN SINGING
IN MY MOTHER'S NIGHTCLUB AC SINCE I WAS ABOUT 13,
YOU KNOW,
LIKE MOST TEENAGERS.
AND I CONTINUED
TO PERFORM WITH HER
TILL I WAS 17.
DON'T BE NERVOUS.
IT'S JUST ALL SHOW BUSINESS.
THAT'S ALL.
WOULD YOU SING
MY FAVORITE FOR ME
FOR JULIE AND JERRY?
DON'T SAY NO.
JUST SING RIGHT OUT.
AND THE LAST PLACE
THAT WE PLAYED TOGETHER
WAS THE LONDON PALLADIUM.
AND I GO PRETTY GOOD REVIEWS.
SO THIS CHOREOGRAPHER GUY
RON SOMETHING--
ANYWAY, HE CALLS ME
AND HE ASKS ME
IF I WANT TO DO
MY OWN NIGHTCLUB ACT.
MY MOTHER--
MY MOTHER THOUGH THIS WAS TRULY
A LOUSY IDEA.
SHE THOUGHT INSTEAD
THAT I SHOULD GO
TO DRAMA COLLEGE
IN ENGLAND
BECAUSE IT WOULD
BRING RESPECTABILITY
TO THE FAMILY.
LIKE WE WERE A BUNCH
OF HOOKERS, YOU KNOW,
AND DRAMA COLLEGE
IN ENGLAND
IS THE ONLY WAY
TO ERADICATE A TAIN LIKE THAT.
ANYWAY,
SO NOW IT'S 1973
AND I'M 17
AND I'M ENROLLED
IN THE CENTRAL SCHOOL
OF SPEECH AND DRAMA
IN LONDON.
AND, YOU KNOW,
LIKE I SAID,
AT FIRST I JUST--
I REALLY DID NO WANT TO GO.
BUT ONCE I GOT THERE,
IT WAS TRULY
SOME OF THE BEST TIMES
OF MY LIFE.
I MEAN, IT WAS THE ONLY
UNEXAMINED PAR OF MY LIFE
WHERE I WAS JUST A STUDEN AMONG STUDENTS,
GOING TO VOICE
AND MOVEMENT CLASS
AND LEARNING
WEIRD LITTLE
TONGUE TWISTERS LIKE--
"ALL I WANT IS A PROPER
CUP OF COFFEE
MADE IN A PROPER
COPPER COFFEE POT.
YOU CAN BELIEVE IT OR NOT,
BUT I WANT A CUP OF COFFEE
IN A PROPER COFFEE POT.
TIN COFFEE POTS
AND IRON COFFEE POTS--
THEY'RE NO USE TO ME.
IF I CAN'T HAVE
A PROPER CUP OF COFFEE
IN A PROPER COPPER COFFEE POT,
- I'LL HAVE A CUP OF TEA."
- ( applause )
NOW--
OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
IF YOU ENJOYED
MY PERFORMANCE
AS PRINCESS LEIA--
AND WHO COULD RESIS MY STUNNING,
LAYERED, MOVING,
NOT-UNLIKE-MARY-POPPINS
PERFORMANCE?
--THEN IT IS
THANKS TO TONGUE TWISTERS
LIKE THAT.
CONSIDER:
"YOU'LL NEVER GE THAT BUCKET OF BOLTS
PAST THAT BLOCKADE,
PROPER COPPER
COFFEE POT."
OR:
"WHY, YOU STUCK-UP,
HALF-WITTED,
SCRUFFY-LOOKING
NERF HERDER.
PROPER COPPER COFFEE POT,
I'D LIKE A CUP OF TEA."
IT'S DIALOGUE FROM
THE "STAR WARS" FILM.
AND DON'T FORGET,
I HAD THAT WEIRD LITTLE
THAT CAME AND WEN LIKE WEATHER OR BLOA ALL THROUGH THE MOVIE.
GOVERNOR TARKIN,
I SHOULD'VE EXPECTED
TO FIND YOU HOLDING
VADER'S LEASH.
I RECOGNIZED YOUR FOUL STENCH
WHEN I WAS BROUGHT ONBOARD.
( laughter )
( applause )
AND ALL MY FRIENDS
MADE FUN OF ME
BECAUSE THEY SAID
THAT THE TITLE
OF THE FILM
SOUNDED LIKE A FIGH BETWEEN MY
ORIGINAL PARENTS--
"STAR WARS."
( monitors bleeping )
( applause )
WELL, I-- YOU KNOW.
WELL, BUT HERE'S
THE THING--
AS YOU AGE,
IT'S ABOUT DIGNITY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE
TO LOOK FORWARD TO.
IT'S REALLY
UNAVOIDABLE.
( chuckles )
GEORGE LUCAS
RUINED MY LIFE.
I MEAN THAT IN THE NICES POSSIBLE WAY.
AND NOW PEOPLE ARE
STILL ASKING ME
IF I KNEW "STAR WARS"
WAS GONNA BE
THAT BIG OF A HIT.
YES.
I KNEW.
WE ALL KNEW.
THE ONLY ONE
WHO DIDN'T KNOW
WAS GEORGE LUCAS.
WE KEPT IT FROM HIM
'CAUSE WE WANTED TO SEE
WHAT HIS FACE
LOOKED LIKE
WHEN IT CHANGED
EXPRESSION.
AND THE MAN FOOLED US
EVEN THEN.
HE GOT I.L.M.
TO CHANGE HIS FACIAL
EXPRESSIONS FOR HIM
AND T.H.X. SOUND
TO MAKE THE NOISE
OF A FACE
CHANGING EXPRESSIONS.
NOW NOT ONLY
WAS THIS MAN
VIRTUALLY EXPRESSIONLESS
IN THOSE DAYS,
BUT HE ALSO--
HE HARDLY TALKED AT ALL.
WHEN I GO THIS JOB,
THEY TOLD ME THAT I HAD
TO LOSE 10 LBS.
WELL, I WEIGHED ABOU 105 AT THE TIME.
WELL, NO,
BUT TO BE FAIR NOW,
I CARRIED ABOU 50 OF THOSE POUNDS
IN MY FACE.
SO YOU KNOW
WHAT A GOOD IDEA
WOULD BE THOUGH?
GIVE ME
A HAIRSTYLE
THAT FURTHER WIDENS
MY ALREADY
WIDE FACE.
BUT GEORGE LUCAS--
YOU KNOW,
I MEAN, THE MA--
HE IS A VISIONARY,
RIGHT?
I MEAN,
HE HAS TRANSPORTED
AUDIENCES
THE WORLD OVER
AND HE'S PROVIDED
MARK AND HARRISON
AND MYSELF
WITH ENOUGH FAN MAIL
AND EVEN A SMALL,
MERRY BAND OF STALKERS,
KEEPING US ENTERTAINED
FOR THE REST OF OUR
UNNATURAL LIVES.
NO, MY FAVORITE
FAN STORY
ACTUALLY HAPPENED
LAST YEAR.
WE WERE DOING
THE SHOW IN SANTA FE.
AND SO I GO INTO THIS
ROCK SHOP ONE DAY,
AS ONE DOES,
AND THE GUY
BEHIND THE COUNTER GOES,
"AREN'T YOU--?"
AND I'M-- "YEAH."
HE SAID,
"I THOUGHT ABOUT YOU
EVERY DAY
FROM WHEN I WAS 12
TO WHEN I WAS 22."
AND I SAID,
"EVERY DAY?"
AND HE SAID,
"WELL, FOUR TIMES A DAY."
( audience exclaiming,
laughing )
WHAT AM I
SUPPOSED TO SAY?
"THANK YOU."
BUT NOW DON'T FORGET,
GEORGE LUCAS--
HE WAS THE MAN WHO MADE ME
INTO A LITTLE DOLL--
A LITTLE DOLL
THAT MY FIRST HUSBAND
COULD STICK
PINS INTO
WHEN HE WAS
ANNOYED WITH ME.
THEN I WAS
A SHAMPOO
WHERE YOU COULD
TWIST OFF MY HEAD
AND POUR LIQUID
OUT OF MY NECK.
AND I WAS A SOAP--
A SOAP WHICH READ:
"LATHER UP
WITH LEIA
AND YOU'LL FEEL LIKE
A PRINCESS YOURSELF,
BOYS."
AND, OH,
I'M A STAMP.
NOW THAT'S
REALLY COOL--
I MEAN, WELL,
ASIDE FROM THE LICKING.
BUT, OH WAIT,
DO YOU KNOW THE--
YOU KNOW THOSE
MR. POTATO HEAD THINGS,
RIGHT?
WELL, THEY ACTUALLY--
THEY MADE
A STAR WARS
MR. POTATO HEAD LINE,
SO YOU MIGH RECOGNIZE ME
AS PRINCESS TATER
AND MY HUSBAND DICK
AND OUR DAUGHTER
REHABILA TATER.
BUT THE MAIN THING--
THE MAIN MAIN THING
THAT I'VE BEEN MADE INTO,
WHICH HAS JUST--
IT'S ENHANCED MY LIFE
JUST ENORMOUSLY--
I'M A PEZ DISPENSER.
NO, I AM.
I AM.
SERIOUSLY.
NO.
AND IF SOMEONE
OFFERS
TO MAKE YOU
INTO A PEZ DISPENSER,
DO IT!
BECAUSE IT JUST--
IT MAKES YOUR WHOLE
LIFE BETTER.
I MEAN, REALLY,
IF YOU HAVEN'T BEEN
MERCHANDISED
FOR THE LAS 30-PLUS YEARS,
YOU HAVEN'T LIVED.
IF ONLY
IT WERE AEROBIC.
NOW AMONG GEORGE'S
MANY POSSESSIONS,
THE MAN OWNS
MY LIKENESS.
SO EVERY TIME
I LOOK IN A MIRROR
I HAVE TO SEND HIM
A COUPLE OF BUCKS.
YOU KNOW, THEY--
I SAW THIS OTHER
LEIA FIGURINE RECENTLY
AT, YOU KNOW,
ONE OF THOSE
COMIC BOOK CONVENTIONS,
RIGHT?
WHICH, YES, I GO TO
WHEN I'M LONELY.
ANYWAY, SO THIS
PARTICULAR FIGURINE--
IT'S ON A TURNSTILE,
RIGHT?
SO WHEN IT GETS
TO A PARTICULAR--
OH, VISUAL AIDS.
WHEN IT GETS
TO A PARTICULAR PLACE
ON A TURNSTILE,
YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE
UP MY DRESS
TO MY ANATOMICALLY
CORRECT,
THOUGH SHAVED,
GALAXY SNATCH.
I WAS A LITTLE TAKEN ABACK
BY THIS, YOU KNOW?
SO I CALLED GEORGE
AND I SAID,
"YOU KNOW,
OWNING MY LIKENESS
DOES NOT INCLUDE
OWNING MY
LAGOON OF MYSTERY."
OH, AND DO YOU REMEMBER
THAT WHITE DRESS I WORE
ALL THROUGH
THE FIRST FILM?
I MEAN, UNLESS YOU DIDN' SEE "STAR WARS,"
IN WHICH CASE,
WHY ARE YOU HERE?
SO THEY PU THE DRESS ON ME
THE FIRST DAY.
THEY BRING ME
TO GEORGE.
TAKES ONE LOOK AT ME
AND HE SAYS,
"YOU CAN'T WEAR A BRA
UNDERNEATH THAT DRESS."
SO I SAY, "WHY?"
HE SAYS, "BECAUSE
THERE'S NO UNDERWEAR
IN SPACE."
I SWEAR TO GOD,
I PROMISE YOU
THAT HE SAID THIS.
AND THE MAN SAID I WITH SUCH CONVICTION TOO,
YOU KNOW,
LIKE HE'D ACTUALLY
BEEN TO SPACE,
LOOKED AROU--
DIDN'T SEE ANY BRAS
OR PANTIES OR BRIEFS.
BUT, YOU KNOW,
CLEARLY NOW--
CLEARLY THEY HAVE GONE
AS FAR AS THEY CAN GO
WITH THIS WHOLE
DOLL THING, RIGHT?
I MEAN, WHAT ARE THEY
GONNA DO NOW, YOU KNOW,
COME UP WITH, LIKE,
A LIFE-SIZE LEIA, YOU KNOW,
STEPFORD LEIA
TO RENDER ME OBSOLETE?
YOU'D GO
TO HER SHOW.
SO, I MEAN,
AT LEAST THEY HAVE NO DONE THAT YET.
AND THANK GOD.
THANK GOD THEY HAVE NO COME UP
WITH A LEIA SEX DOLL,
YOU KNOW?
'CAUSE THAT WOULD BE
REALLY HUMILIATING.
I MEAN, THANK GOD
THEY HAVE NOT COME UP
WITH A LIFE-SIZE
LEIA SEX DOLL
THAT THEY CHARGE
$800 FOR
THAT YOU COULD PU IN YOUR CORNFIELD
TO CHASE AWAY CROWS.
OH.
OH LOOK.
THEY HAVE.
ALL RIGHT,
NOW, YOU KNOW,
OBVIOUSLY I DID KNOW
ABOUT THIS.
AND IT ACTUALLY--
YOU KNOW, IT HAS ITS USES.
BECAUSE IF EVER ANYONE
FROM THE AUDIENCE
SCREAMS OUT,
"GO FUCK YOURSELF,
CARRIE"...
I CAN GIVE IT A WHIRL.
SOMEBODY HAS
TO SAVE OUR SKINS.
Younger Carrie:
I WAS THE PRIZE PRINCESS.
I SWEAR,
BY THE TIME I'M 30
I'LL GET THOSE BRAIDS
OFF MY HEAD SOMEHOW.
Man:
T-MINUS FIVE,
FOUR, THREE,
TWO, ONE.
Photographers:
CARRIE! CARRIE!
Carrie:
I WANT IT TO STOP.
RECENTLY
I GOOGLED MYSELF
WITHOUT A LUBRICANT.
AND--
WHICH I DO NO RECOMMEND, OKAY?
AND I CAME ACROSS
THIS POSTING
THAT SOMEBODY MADE
ABOUT ME.
AND IT SAID,
"WHATEVER HAP--?"
WELL,
"W-T-F HAPPENED
TO CARRIE FISHER?
SHE USED TO BE
SO HOT.
NOW SHE LOOKS
LIKE ELTON JOHN."
WELL, YOU KNOW,
THIS HURT ALL SEVEN
OF MY FEELINGS,
PARTLY BECAUSE I KNEW
WHAT HE MEANT.
BUT, YOU KNOW,
THE THING IS
I WAS HO WHEN MOST PEOPLE
ARE HOT, YOU KNOW--
LIKE IN THEIR
20s AND 30s.
I DID NOT REALIZE
THAT WHEN I DONNED THA FRICKING METAL BIKINI
BACK WHEN I WAS 23,
THAT I HAD MADE
AN INVISIBLE CONTRAC TO STAY LOOKING
THE EXACT SAME WAY
FOR THE NEX 30 TO 40 YEARS.
WELL, OBVIOUSLY
I'VE BETRAYED THE CONTRACT.
OVER THE PAS COUPLE YEARS ACTUALLY
I HAVE BEEN HAVING
A SERIES
OF E.C.T. TREATMENTS.
DOES ANYONE KNOW
WHAT THAT IS?
'CAUSE THEY WOULDN' TELL ME.
WHAT IS IT?
WHAT?
Man:
ELECTROSHOCK THERAPY.
( laughs )
ELECTROSHOCK TH--
WHY WOULD THEY GIVE
THAT TO ME?
THAT'S JUST--
WELL, ALL RIGHT.
DID YOU SEE "ONE FLEW
OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST"?
WASN'T I FANTASTIC?
NO, IT IS NO LIKE THAT ANYMORE.
IT ISN'T, REALLY.
I MEAN, NOW IT'S REALLY FUN.
AND I TOTALLY
RECOMMEND IT.
YOU KNOW, IF THERE'S,
LIKE, AN OVERCAST DAY,
NO NEW MOVIES OUT,
DO IT!
SERIOUSLY, I MEAN,
IT TAKES AWAY
EVERY VESTIGE
OF DEPRESSION.
IT GETS YOU TOTALLY
OFF YOUR BACK.
HERE'S--
THE OTHER THING IS
THERE'S NO CONVULSIONS
ANYMORE.
THEY GIVE YOU
THIS MEDICATION.
PROBABLY THEY COULD
CALL IT E.T.
BUT THAT WOULD BE
REALLY SILLY, WOULDN'T IT?
BECAUSE THEN
IF I SAID
I HAD E.T.
EARLIER IN THE WEEK,
YOU'D THINK I FUCKED
AN EXTRATERRESTRIAL--
ESPECIALLY ME.
UH, NO, BUT--
THE THING IS THOUGH,
LIKE I SAID,
IT IS-- REALLY,
IT IS FANTASTIC.
HOWEVER, THERE IS A TINY
TINY LITTLE DOWNSIDE.
ALONG WITH
THE DEPRESSION,
IT TAKES A TEENY
DOGGY BAG
OF ABOUT FOUR MONTHS
OF MEMORY.
WORTH IT!
WHAT IS GONNA
HAPPEN TO ME
IN ONE FOUR MONTHS
AT MY AGE
THAT CAN'T HAPPEN
IN ANOTHER FOUR?
NOW I TELL YOU THIS
BECAUSE
IF AT ANY POIN DURING THE UPCOMING
FESTIVITIES
I DRAW A BLANK--
WHICH IS A CONTRADICTION
IN TERMS, BY THE WAY,
IF YOU THINK
ABOUT IT--
THEN, YOU KNOW,
FORGIVE ME
OR DON'T FORGIVE ME.
BUT AT LEAS YOU'LL UNDERSTAND
WHAT'S HAPPENING.
WHICH IS MORE THAN
I CAN FREQUENTLY SAY.
OKAY, WE'VE GOTTEN
THROUGH ALL THAT.
ALL RIGHT, SO NOW
EVERY SO OFTEN
YOU MEE A MAGIC PERSON.
AND THAT'S REALLY--
THAT IS HOW I FEL WHEN I MET PAUL.
I'M SITTING
IN THE RAILWAY STATION
GOT A TICKE FOR MY DESTINATION...
WE HAD
THE SECRET HANDSHAKE
OF SHARED SENSIBILITY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I MEAN, WE UNDERSTOOD
EACH OTHER PERFECTLY.
YOU KNOW,
PAUL AND I--
WE WERE ACTUALLY
TOGETHER OVER 12 YEARS--
WELL, OFF AND ON.
AND SO, YOU KNOW,
WE TRAVELED A LOT TOGETHER,
AND HE DID HIS
SIMON AND GARFUNKELING
AND STUFF.
AND PAUL--
HE WROTE AN ALBUM
BASED ON
SOUTH AMERICAN MUSIC.
AND THAT ALBUM WAS CALLED
"THE RHYTHM OF THE SAINTS."
AND ON I WAS THE LAST SONG
THAT PAUL EVER WROTE
ABOUT ME.
NOW IF YOU CAN
GET PAUL
TO WRITE A SONG
ABOUT YOU,
DO IT!
BECAUSE HE IS
SO SO GOOD AT IT.
BUT THIS SONG WAS CALLED
"SHE MOVES ON"--
IRONIC TITLE.
AND SO THERE'S
THIS LYRIC IN I THAT I WANTED
TO SHARE WITH YOU,
'CAUSE I'M FEELING
KIND OF A CLOSENESS NOW,
YOU KNOW?
AND THAT LYRIC IS--
"I'M AFRAID
THAT I'LL BE TAKEN,
ABANDONED AND FORSAKEN
IN HER COLD
COFFEE EYES."
YEAH.
I'M A BITCH.
NO, BUT NO, WAIT.
HE WROTE ANOTHER SONG
ABOUT ME.
AND THIS ONE WAS CALLED
"ALLERGIES."
AND THE LYRIC
IN THAT WAS--
"MY HEART IS ALLERGIC
TO THE WOMAN I LOVE,
AND IT'S CHANGING
THE SHAPE OF MY FACE."
IS THAT FLATTERING?
NO, I DON'T THINK
IT IS EITHER.
BUT MY FAVORITE ALBUM
OF HIS THOUGH
IS THIS ALBUM
THAT'S CALLED
"HEARTS AND BONES."
AND THE TITLE SONG--
( "Hearts and Bones" playing )
WELL, IT ACT--
IT SOUNDS A LOT LIKE THIS,
BUT THIS
COULDN'T BE IT,
'CAUSE WE DIDN'T GE PERMISSION TO USE IT.
SO THAT WOULD BE BAD,
WOULDN'T IT?
OH, IT WOULD NO BE BAD
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,
I NEVER TOOK ANY ALIMONY
FROM PAUL.
SO THINK OF I THIS WAY--
YOU'RE LISTENING
TO MY ALIMONY.
AND LOVELY ALIMONY
IT IS.
OH, WE GOT PERMISSION.
ANYWAY, THE LYRIC IS,
"ONE AND ONE HALF
WANDERING JEWS--"
- ONE AND ONE-HALF
WANDERING JEWS...
- I'M THE HALF, FROM EDDIE.
- RETURNED TO THEIR
NATURAL COASTS
- WEST IS MY NATURAL--
TO RESUME OLD ACQUAINTANCES
AND STEP OUT OCCASIONALLY
AND SPECULATE WHO HAD BEEN
DAMAGED THE MOST...
WHO HAD BEEN DAMAGED
THE MOST.
GUESS WHO WON
THAT CONTEST!
NOW I MARRIED PAUL
WHEN I WAS 26.
AND WE GOT DIVORCED
WHEN I WAS 28.
AND AT 29
I WENT INTO REHAB.
NOW OBVIOUSLY NO BECAUSE I NEEDED I BUT BECAUSE--
WELL, I WAS DOING
RESEARCH FOR MY NOVEL
"POSTCARDS FROM
THE EDGE"
AND I NEEDED TO MEE SOME REAL ADDICTS
AND ALCOHOLICS,
YOU KNOW,
FOR, LIKE, THE VERACITY
OF THE NOVEL.
OKAY, FINE.
YES, I AM AN ADDICT.
YOU KNOW HOW THEY SAY
RELIGION IS THE OPIATE
OF THE MASSES?
WELL, I TOOK MASSES
OF OPIATES RELIGIOUSLY.
NOW I WANTED
TO WRITE A BOOK.
AND I KNEW WHAT THE FIRS LINE WOULD BE:
"MAYBE I SHOULDN' HAVE GIVEN
THE GUY WHO PUMPED
MY STOMACH
MY PHONE NUMBER,
BUT HE'LL PROBABLY
NEVER CALL ME ANYWAY."
AND THIS ACTUALLY WAS
BASED ON A TRUE THING.
SUZANNE, WE'RE GONNA HAVE
TO PUMP YOUR STOMACH!
( moans )
'CAUSE, SEE, THE DOCTOR
THAT PUMPED MY STOMACH
SENT ME FLOWERS
WITH A NOTE
WHICH READ:
"I CAN TELL THAT YOU'RE
A VERY WARM
AND SENSITIVE PERSON."
THEY'RE FROM THE GUY
WHO PUMPED MY STOMACH.
I WROTE
"POSTCARDS FROM THE EDGE,"
THE BOOK, THE NOVEL,
WHEN I WAS, LIKE,
28 OR 29 IN LOS ANGELES.
THEN I GOT BACK TOGETHER
WITH PAUL AGAIN.
SO I WROTE THE SCREENPLAY
OF "POSTCARDS" IN NEW YORK.
THEN THEY START FILMING
THE MOVIE IN L.A.
WITH MERYL STREEP
AND SHIRLEY MacLAINE.
I WANT TO BE
ON THAT SET, RIGHT?
SO I START TRAVELING
OUT TO L.A.
FROM NEW YORK A LOT.
AND THIS WAS
REALLY BAD
FOR MY RELATIONSHIP
WITH PAUL.
I MEAN, THINGS WERE
GETTING WORSE
FASTER THAN WE COULD
LOWER OUR STANDARDS.
I--
PRETTY SOON WE DID KNOW
THAT IT WAS OVER.
MIKE NICHOLS ACTUALLY
USED TO SAY ABOUT US
THAT WE WERE TWO FLOWERS,
NO GARDENER.
NO ONE WAS MINDING
THE RELATIONSHIP.
SO ONE OF
THE LAST TIMES
I WAS FLYING BACK OU TO L.A. AGAIN, RIGHT?
AND SO PAUL AND I
HAD BEEN FIGHTING
ALL MORNING.
HE DRIVES ME
TO THE AIRPOR TO GET RID OF ME
FASTER.
AND I'M ABOUT TO GE ON THE PLANE, RIGHT?
SO I TURN TO HIM
AND I SAY,
"YOU'LL FEEL BAD
IF I CRASH."
AND HE SAID,
"MAYBE NOT."
( laughs )
SO...
PAUL AND I WEN OUR RESPECTIVE WAYS.
AND HE WENT ON
TO MARRY SOMEONE
YOUNGER THAN HIMSELF--
EDIE BRICKELL
FROM THE SOUTH.
SO, NOT TO BE
OUTDONE,
I MARRIED SOMEONE
YOUNGER THAN MYSELF--
BRYAN LOURD,
ALSO FROM THE SOUTH.
NOW...
THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN OUR CHOICES--
MY CHOICE
FORGOT TO TELL ME
THAT HE WAS GAY.
WELL, HE FORGO TO TELL ME
AND I FORGO TO NOTICE.
REALLY, THOUGH
LATER ON BRYAN--
HE DID--
HE EXPLAINED TO ME
THAT I HAD
TURNED HIM GAY
BY TAKING
CODEINE AGAIN.
AND I SAID,
"YOU KNOW,
I NEVER READ
THAT WARNING
ON THE LABEL.
I THOUGHT IT SAID
'HEAVY MACHINERY,'
NOT 'HOMOSEXUALITY.'
I COULD HAVE BEEN
DRIVING
THOSE TRACTORS
ALL ALONG."
TURNING PEOPLE GAY
THOUGH--
IT IS KIND OF
A SUPERPOWER OF MINE.
ADMITTEDLY NO, IT IS NO CALLED UPON A LOT.
BUT WHEN IT IS,
I PICK UP
MY PINK PHONE,
I PUT ON MY
RAINBOW-COLORED CAPE,
AND I'M THERE
LIKE A SHOT.
NOW, YOU KNOW,
I WAS PROBABLY REBOUNDING
FROM PAUL A LITTLE BI WHEN I MET BRYAN
A WEEK LATER.
BUT BRYAN THOUGH--
BRYAN, HE WAS REALLY
REALLY HANDSOME.
WELL, HE STILL IS.
HE IS.
LOOK, THAT'S WHA HE LOOKS LIKE NOW.
WHEN I MET HIM
HE HAD HAIR.
I DO THAT TOO.
I MAKE THEM BALD,
I TURN THEM GAY--
MY WORK IS DONE.
BUT, YOU KNOW,
WHEN I FIRS MET BRYAN,
HE TOOK REALLY
GOOD CARE OF ME.
HE TOOK SUCH GOOD CARE
OF ME THAT I THOUGHT,
"YOU KNOW,
THIS GUY WILL MAKE
A GOOD FATHER."
AND HE DID.
SO, YOU KNOW,
FEARING NOW
THAT EVERYTHING
WOULD BE ALL RIGHT,
NINE MONTHS LATER
MY DAUGHTER WAS DRAGGED
FROM MY BODY
AS THOUGH IT WERE
A BURNING BUILDING.
AND ONCE THIS WELL-FED,
ROUND CREATURE
WAS RESCUED FROM
THE RUBBLE OF ME,
I SENT OU BIRTH ANNOUNCEMENTS
WHICH READ:
"SOMEONE SUMMERED
IN MY STOMACH,
SOMEONE'S FALLEN
THROUGH MY LEGS.
TO MAKE
AN INFANT OMELET,
SIMPLY SCRAMBLE
SPERM AND EGGS."
THANK YOU.
WE NAMED OUR ADORABLE
LITTLE OMELET BILLIE--
BILLIE CATHERINE.
SO, YOU KNOW,
A YEAR LATER,
WHEN BRYAN LEFT ME
FOR SCOTT,
WHO BECAME THE MAN
THAT GOT THE MAN
THAT GOT AWAY,
ALL OF MY FRIENDS
TALKED TO ME
LIKE THEIR HAIR WAS
HEAVIER ON ONE SIDE.
YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN?
HOW ARE YOU DOING?
ARE YOU OKAY?
BUT MY MOTHER
THOUGH--
MY MOTHER WAS--
SHE WAS AWESOME TO ME
DURING THIS TIME.
SHE REALLY WAS.
I MEAN, MY MOTHER--
WELL, OBVIOUSLY SHE'S
LIKE A MOTHER TO ME.
BUT-- NO, BUT SHE SAID
THIS FANTASTIC THING.
SHE SAID,
"YOU KNOW, DEAR,
WE'VE HAD ALL SORTS OF MEN
IN OUR FAMILY.
WE'VE HAD
HORSE THIEVES
AND ONE-MAN BANDS
AND ALCOHOLICS.
BUT THIS IS
OUR FIRST HOMOSEXUAL."
NOW, YOU KNOW,
HAVING REALLY ABSOLUTELY
NOTHING AT ALL WHATSOEVER
TO DO WITH BRYAN,
ABOUT--
ABOUT A YEAR
AFTER THIS
I WAS INVITED
TO GO TO A MENTAL
HOSPITAL.
AND--
WELL, YOU DON'T WAN TO BE RUDE, RIGHT?
SO YOU GO.
WELL, WAIT A--
WAIT A SECOND NOW.
IT'S A REALLY REALLY
EXCLUSIVE INVITATION.
I MEAN,
HOW MANY OF YOU
HAVE BEEN INVITED
TO A MENTAL HOSPITAL?
I'M ASKING YOU
FOR REAL.
ONE HUMAN.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
- JIMMY.
- JIMMY.
I TOLD YOU THOUGH,
IT'S VERY EXCLUSIVE--
JUST JIMMY
AND MYSELF.
OH.
MY MOTHER WANTS
YOU ALL TO KNOW
THIS COMES
FROM MY FATHER'S SIDE
OF THE FAMILY.
SHE IS AS NORMAL
AS THE DAY IS LONG.
NOW MY DIAGNOSIS--
I KNOW
THIS WILL STUN YOU--
WAS MANIC DEPRESSION.
I THINK NOW THEY CALL I BIPOLAR, RIGHT?
SO YOU MIGHT SAY
I SWING BOTH WAYS.
OH, WAIT WAIT.
NOW THIS IS REALLY
GONNA IMPRESS YOU:
I AM ACTUALLY
IN THE ABNORMAL
PSYCHOLOGY TEXTBOOK.
- COME ON, HOW COOL IS THAT?
- ( applause )
NO, WAIT WAIT WAI WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT.
KEEP IN MIND,
I AM A PEZ DISPENSER
AND I'M IN THE ABNORMAL
PSYCHOLOGY TEXTBOOK!
( applause )
WHO SAYS YOU CAN' HAVE IT ALL?
NOW, YOU KNOW, OBVIOUSLY
MY FAMILY'S SO PROUD,
BUT THE THING IS
I HEARD THAT I WAS
IN THIS TEXTBOOK
AND I HEARD I WAS
IN THERE WITH A PICTURE.
AND I THOUGHT,
"WHAT PICTURE?"
YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT LIKE
ANYONE EVER PHONED
ME AND SAID,
"HAVE YOU GOT A LITTLE
SNAPSHOT OF YOURSELF
LOOKING DEPRESSED
OR MANIC?"
YOU KNOW,
LIKE FROM THIS SHOW.
AND, YOU KNOW,
RATHER THAN DESCRIBE I TO YOU,
I SO BADLY WAN TO SHOW IT TO YOU.
( laughter )
NO, IT'S TRUE.
IT'S REAL.
SO I'M NOT CRAZY.
THAT BITCH IS.
ANYONE THAT WOULD WEAR
A STUPID HAIRSTYLE
LIKE THA HAS TO BE NUTS.
NOW I HAVE
TWO MOODS
THAT I'VE NAMED
ROY AND PAM.
NOW ROY IS
ROLLICKING ROY,
THE WILD RIDE
OF A MOOD.
AND PAM--
PAM IS SEDIMENT PAM
WHO STANDS ON THE SHORE
AND SOBS.
ONE MOOD
IS THE MEAL,
THE NEXT MOOD--
THE CHECK.
EVER SINCE MY
FATEFUL ANNOUNCEMEN ON "DIANE SAWYER"
THAT I WAS MENTALLY ILL...
I WENT INTO
THIS OTHER PLACE.
AND I WAS HALLUCINATING.
LIKE ANYONE NEEDED
TO KNOW THAT, RIGHT?
I COULD SEE
CITIES OF THE--
FUTURISTIC CITIES
OUT THE WINDOW.
I MEAN,
DON'T YOU HATE I WHEN CELEBRITIES JUST--
BLAH BLAH BLAH--
TALK ABOUT THEMSELVES,
YOU KNOW...
IT WAS AS THOUGH
YOU COULD FEEL THE BACK
OF THE COOL OF THE MOOD
WITH YOUR HAND.
...TELL YOU EVERYTHING?
I MEAN,
WHO ASKED, RIGHT?
I JUST-- I FIND IT ALL
SO WEARYING.
ACTUALLY, THAT IS
MY POINT OF VIEW.
THAT'S WHY WHAT YOU'RE
WATCHING RIGHT NOW
IS ME TALK ABOUT MYSELF
BEHIND MY BACK.
NOW IF CARRIE--
IF CARRIE EVER
FOUND OU THAT CARRIE FISHER
IS DOING
A SOLIPSISTIC,
PEOPLE-PLEASING SHOW
LIKE THIS,
SHE WOULD BE
SO HUMILIATED.
SO, PLEASE,
IF YOU RUN INTO HER,
( whispers )
DON'T SAY ANYTHING.
ANYWAY, HAVING WAITED
MY ENTIRE LIFE
TO GET AN AWARD
FOR SOMETHING--
YOU KNOW, ANYTHING.
I DON'T CARE.
OKAY FINE,
NOT ACTING.
WHAT ABOUT A TEENY ONE
FOR WRITING?
--I NOW GET AWARDS
ALL THE TIME
FOR BEING
MENTALLY ILL.
NO, REALLY.
I AM APPARENTLY
VERY VERY GOOD AT I AND I GET HONORED
FOR IT REGULARLY.
MY DAUGHTER-- SHE TELLS ME
WHEN SHE GROWS UP
SHE WANTS TO EITHER BE
A SINGER OR A COMIC.
I SAID, "WELL, BABY,
IF YOU WANT TO BE A COMIC,
YOU GOTTA BE
A WRITER.
BUT DON'T WORRY.
YOU HAVE GO TONS OF MATERIAL.
YOUR MOTHER IS
A MANIC-DEPRESSIVE
DRUG ADDICT,
YOUR FATHER IS GAY,
YOUR GRANDMOTHER
TAP DANCES
AND YOUR GRANDFATHER
EATS HEARING AIDS."
AND MY DAUGHTER
LAUGHS AND LAUGHS
AND LAUGHS.
AND I SAID, "BABY,
THE FACT THAT YOU KNOW
THAT'S FUNNY
IS GONNA SAVE
YOUR WHOLE LIFE."
YEAH.
LOCATION LOCATION
LOCATION.
NOW I HEARD SOMEONE
SAY RECENTLY
THAT MANY OF US
ONLY SEEM ABLE
TO FIND HEAVEN
BY BACKING AWAY
FROM HELL.
AND, YOU KNOW,
WHILE THE PLACE
I'VE ARRIVED A IN MY LIFE
ISN'T PRECISELY EVERYONE'S
IDEA OF HEAVENLY,
I COULD SWEAR
SOMETIMES,
IF I'M QUIET ENOUGH...
I CAN HEAR
THE ANGELS SING.
EITHER THA OR I FUCKED UP
MY MEDICATION.
BUT--
( siren wailing )
SHIT, THERE'S MY RIDE.
BEFORE I GO THOUGH
I WANTED TO SHARE WITH YOU
SOME OF THE WISDOMS
THAT I HAVE ACQUIRED,
YOU KNOW,
FROM GOING THROUGH
ALL THIS SHIT, OKAY?
FIRST ONE--
RESENTMENT IS LIKE
DRINKING A POISON
AND WAITING FOR THE OTHER
PERSON TO DIE.
NOW SOME OF THE WISDOMS
THAT I HAVE
I GOT FROM MY
GRANDMOTHER--
MY MOTHER'S MOTHER,
THE CLOSET LOCKER--
WHO TAUGHT ME
A FLY IS AS LIKELY
TO LAND ON SHI AS IT IS ON PIE.
THAT'S TRUE.
( laughs )
SHE ALSO SAID,
"CRY ALL YOU WANT.
YOU'LL PEE LESS."
( piano playing )
YOUR CARES
AND TROUBLES
ARE GONE
THERE'LL BE NO MORE
FROM NOW ON
FROM NOW ON
HAPPY DAYS
ARE HERE AGAIN
THE SKIES ABOVE...
( recording continues )
ARE CLEAR AGAIN
SO LET'S SING
A SONG
OF CHEER AGAIN
HAPPY TIMES
HAPPY NIGHTS
HAPPY DAYS
ARE HERE
AGAIN.
HAPPY TIMES
HAPPY NIGHTS
HAPPY DAYS
ARE HERE
AGAIN.
OKAY.
THERE.
BYE. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THE DREAMS I DREAMED
HAVE ALL GONE ASTRAY.