With Friends Like These... (1991) Movie Script
1
(suspenseful music)
- [Narrator] People always
seem to be going somewhere.
Moving here and there
in all directions.
It almost seems like we're
part of a giant organism
with billions of little parts
all thrashing away on their own.
But somehow we all seem to thrash
in a same general direction.
(suspenseful music)
Relationships.
The ties that bind people together
are what keeps us moving
in the same direction.
Relationships are strange things.
They're all different,
but they're all the same.
You can't touch them,
but they reach out and touch you.
And they leave their mark.
Sometimes with memories.
Sometimes with scars.
But whatever they leave you with,
they leave you changed.
When you enter into a relationship,
you never really know what to expect.
You try to stay in control because
if you lose that,
confidence and self-image
are the next casualties.
Relationships are a gamble.
You ride a razor's edge balance
between give and take,
where nothing is fixed
and nothing is sure.
(suspenseful music)
How far you ride
depends on where you want to go.
And they can take you places
you can't even imagine.
Places you wouldn't choose to go.
(suspenseful music)
Some people aren't good in relationships,
especially when the
relationship is one-sided.
If you're not careful,
you can be driven to distraction.
(steam hissing)
(doors banging)
- Are we there yet, darling?
- Soon.
(upbeat pop music)
(tires squealing)
- Uh!
- Sleeping on the job again, eh Diddle?
I guess you're about due for a transfer.
- [Alex] Okay, can you try it now?
(engine cranking)
Okay, try it again.
(engine cranking)
- Alex, we've been at this
for over half an hour.
I'm gonna be late for work
and you're leaking oil all
over my dad's driveway.
He's gonna kill you.
- Just give me one more minute.
I think I found the problem.
Okay, try it now.
(engine cranking)
Come on, come on, you
can do it, you can do it.
Come on, let's go, come on.
(engine cranking)
All right, you big hunk o' junk.
If you don't start now it's straight
to the scrap heap with you!
(engine cranking)
(wrench clattering)
I warned you!
I hope you come back as bed pan.
- Alex, there's no point getting upset.
- Well, how am I gonna get to work now?
I mean, I just found out I got a job
guarding a trailer park
out in the boonies.
- What about the bus?
- They don't run out there.
Besides, I'm tired of
taking the bus every time
this tin can decides not to start.
Look, you better go.
You're gonna be late for work.
- Alex, I have an idea.
What if you borrow some money
from our savings account?
- Oh, but Kathleen, that money's for our,
well, you know, our future.
- I know, but so is your job.
We could think of it as an investment.
$1500 oughta do the trick.
- Are you sure about this?
- [Kathleen] Mmm-hmm.
- All right.
(laughing)
- But remember, only $1500.
- Okay.
- I know a good used
car lot on the way home.
(upbeat pop music)
- What's he talkin' about?
Sure I gave him a lifetime guarantee.
His lifetime, not the bloody car's.
Look, the guy's 94 years old, right?
I figured he'd buy it way
before a car ever did.
Anyway, you take care of it.
That's what you're paid for.
Well, look, I gotta go.
I got one of these real sweeties here.
Yeah, you know those mooks that test
cars by kickin' tires?
No, really.
See ya in court, Frankie.
Any man who kicks tires is
a man who knows his cars.
Jack Tow, Pay and Go,
king of the as is bargain.
- Alex Diddle, guy tired of taking buses.
- Well, Alex, you've come
to the right place now.
Now how much did you want to spend?
You know, high end, low end.
You name it, we'll meet it.
- Well, that all depends.
You see, there are several factors.
- Oh, hey, hey, sure.
Make, model, year, mileage.
- Girlfriend.
- [Jack] Oh.
- You see, it's sort of our money and--
- Oh, say no more, say no more.
I got the car for you right here.
Take a look.
Huh?
Big, clean, cheap,
and as a bonus, it really runs.
- You just described a bus.
I already take a bus.
- You got a point there, Alex.
Well look, hey, what did you have in mind?
- Uh, nothing here, I guess.
Look, I'm sorry.
I guess I just want what I can't have.
- Oh, tell me about it.
Hey, I want my wife to
look like Dolly Parton.
You take what you can get and you live
with what you got, eh?
- I know, that's what they say.
See ya.
- [Car] I say, you don't believe all
that rubbish, do you?
Well turn around and answer me, boy.
Don't just stand there
like a Greek statue.
- What is this?
- [Car] That's better.
Don't worry, you're the
only person who can hear me.
My boy, you came looking
for a dream and I am it.
Now come closer and take
this stuffy tarp off me.
That's it.
Don't stop.
Now grab the tarp.
Gently.
It's been awhile since
I've seen the light.
- [Jack] Hey, what do
you think you're doin'?
- This voice.
Your loudspeaker.
Something told me to lift this tarp.
- Voice?
What have you been
guarding all night, kid?
Toxic waste?
I didn't hear any voice.
Besides, you can't afford a car like this.
- [Car] You haven't even seen me yet.
- Yeah, I haven't even seen him, it yet.
- Suit yourself, kid.
Dream on.
(trumpet fanfare music)
- [Car] With me on your side,
your dreams can come true.
I can help you, Alex,
but you must be willing
to pay a price and I don't come cheap.
Well, what do you say?
Ouch!
Take it easy on the clutch!
- Oh, sorry sir, um...
Your Carness.
- [Car] Not to worry.
Just call me Banns.
I say, you're not having second thoughts
about me, are you?
- No, no, no.
It's Kathleen, you know, my girlfriend
that I'm sort of worried about.
You see, it's sort of our money, so.
- [Banns] I see.
This Kathleen, don't your
dreams and your happiness
mean the world to her?
- Well, not exactly.
- [Banns] Not exactly?
Then we'll just have to
change that, won't we?
Leave everything up to me.
- [Alex] Oh, more!
- [Banns] No woman will stand
in the way of our dreams.
- Her dress ripped. (giggling)
She was so embarrassed, I told Trish...
(knocking)
- I just bought a new car!
- Alex?
- I just bought a new car.
Let's go for a spin.
- [Kathleen] Really, where is it?
- It's right around the corner.
It's gorgeous.
It's the deal of a lifetime.
- Can you take care of this?
I'll pay you back later.
Thanks.
- Right over there.
Well?
What do you think?
- What do I think?
I think it's gorgeous!
- [Banns] You see, there
was nothing to worry about.
- Alex, how did you get a
car like this for $1500?
- Well, it was easy.
I didn't, Honey.
- What do you mean, Alex?
How much did you pay?
- Well, it's not important
how much I paid for it.
Just think of what this
car will do for us.
- What, drive us around?
Alex, how much of our money did you spend?
- Five.
- Five?
$5000?
You've gotta be kidding.
That's almost everything we have.
- [Banns] I will not stand idol while
that woman insists on ridiculing us.
- Alex, slow down!
- It's not me, Kathleen,
it's this car, it--
- [Banns] Go ahead, Alex.
Tell her I'm a talking car.
- Slow down then!
- Alex, slow down or
I'll take out the key!
(gasping)
Are you crazy?
You're going through a red light.
- [Banns] Kathleen has you wrapped around
her little finger.
That just won't do, Alex.
- [Kathleen] Look, now you've
got the police after us.
- [Alex] Aw, great!
(sirens wailing)
- Alex!
- What do you want from me, Banns?
- [Banns] It's very simple.
That you will no longer allow that woman
to question our judgment.
- Alex, let me out right here.
- [Banns] I'm waiting, Alex.
- All right!
(tires squealing)
(sirens wailing)
(slap smacking)
- [Banns] Uh-oh, a slap.
How deliciously archaic.
You know, it's not the first time a woman
slapped a man in here.
- Well, it's just the sort of thing
I expect to hear from a car.
What's next?
Cutting off school buses?
- Well, now that you talk
to Mr. Dashboard here,
maybe you'd like to meet my little friend,
Mr. Breathalyzer.
Then we can see if Mr.
Ticket wants to get in
on this little chit-chat.
- [Banns] Stop!
(woman yelling)
Good heavens!
This reminds me of my trip to Cleveland.
Tell me, Alex, what on earth
are we doing in this dump?
- I live in this dump.
- [Banns] You're kidding.
Things are worse than I thought.
- I've had enough, you creep!
- Forget it, okay?
- [Banns] You realize, Alex,
this simply won't do.
I for one do not relish the idea
of being hot wired.
And unless you consider those
peasants your role models,
it's time we moved.
- Moved?
Banns, you just got me nailed
with an $800 ticket.
I can't even afford this dump.
I thought you were gonna
make my dreams come true.
Bankruptcy wasn't one of 'em.
- [Banns] By dear tired boy,
you've only had me in
your life for three hours.
But you've had me in
your dreams for how long?
Forever?
Longer?
- Pretty much.
- You know why you bought me, Alex.
You wanted to change your life.
That means a clean slate.
- What about Kathleen?
- [Banns] Ah, yes, Kathleen.
You're very fond of that girl, aren't you?
- Well, yeah.
I love her.
And up until this morning,
I was pretty sure she loved me.
- [Banns] I'm sure that hasn't changed.
Get some rest, Alex.
Just think what I've been saying.
We'll take care of Kathleen later.
- If anyone touches you--
- [Banns] I'll honk.
Sweet dreams, Alex.
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
- Alex?
- Kathleen, let me explain.
- There's nothing to explain.
You emptied our account
without even asking me.
I thought I could trust you.
- Look, it wasn't like that at all.
- That's exactly the way it was, Alex.
I said you could spend $1500.
You spent 5000.
Listen, I don't wanna talk about it.
I want you to return that car tomorrow.
- Kathleen, at least give
me a chance to explain.
Look, I'll come over right now, okay?
- You can explain all you want, Alex.
I'm still not gonna change my mind.
You're gonna return that
car and that's final.
- I'll be over soon.
- Fine.
- All right, we're here.
Now what?
- [Banns] Like I said,
let me do the talking.
- Are you sure about this?
- [Banns] Trust me, she'll
open up like a blossom.
Alex, the flowers!
(doorbell ringing)
Go on!
I've done this a million times.
(dog barking)
Good heavens.
- [Alex] Hello, Mr. Wiggin.
Is Kathleen in?
- [Banns] I see where she gets her looks.
- Heel, Lucifer.
It's only Alvin.
Is that the death car?
Kathleen?
It's Albert.
- [Alex] Alex.
- [Banns] A man with a rifle can call you
whatever he wants.
Now pay close attention.
Good Lord.
Kathleen.
- [Alex] Kathleen.
- [Banns] You look ravishing.
- [Alex] You look ravishing.
- I feel horrible.
It's all your fault.
They sent me home from work
today I was such a wreck.
- [Banns] Tell her I
know this small something
won't begin to erase the brutal memory
of what happened this
morning from your sweet mind.
- I know this small something won't begin
to erase the brutal
memory of what happened
this morning from your sweet mind.
- [Banns] Not bad.
Now tell her it would take an orchard
to show you the length and depth.
- It would take an orchard to show you
the length and depth.
- [Banns] Of my true regret.
- [Alex] Of my true regret.
- [Banns] As well as
how much I cherish you.
- As well as how much I cherish you.
- [Banns] But please.
- [Alex] But please.
- [Banns] Grant me this.
- Grant me this.
Hear me out.
- Okay.
- [Banns] All right, Alex.
Turn around slowly and look at something.
The moon.
- Ah, the moon, following
you wherever it goes.
- [Banns] What?
Stick to the script, Alex.
Tell her, Kathleen, I've
made more than my share
of mistakes in my life.
Some have cost me dearly.
- Kathleen, Kathleen,
I've made more of my share
of mistakes in my life.
Some have cost me dearly.
It's true.
- [Banns] But buying
this, this rare jewel.
- But buying this, this
rare jewel, this...
- [Banns] This timeless incarnation.
- This timeless incarnation of perfection.
- [Banns] This classic.
- [Alex] This classic.
- [Banns] Was not one of them.
- Was not one of them.
- [Banns] Take her by the hand, Alex.
- This was not a boyish,
selfish whim, Kathleen.
But the realization of a dream.
Our dream.
Our life.
Our future begins here, sweet Kathleen.
Believe this.
With one phone call tomorrow
to the right collector,
our money would be tripled.
- [Banns] Quadrupled, even.
- Do you honestly believe that I would
openly betray the trust that you so
openly surrendered to me?
- [Banns] Take it away.
- My life, Kathleen, there
have only been two things.
One is this car.
The other is the angel
that I hold in my arms.
- Oh, Alex.
I'm sorry.
(tapping)
- [Banns] My pleasure.
(light playful music)
- Alex, stop!
Go back!
(tires squealing)
Oh, look!
Isn't it just perfect?
Come on.
(dog barking)
- [Banns] Alex!
Why on earth are we stopping here?
- I saw you putting up the sign.
Can we take a look inside?
- [Man] Yeah, sure thing.
- [Banns] Alex!
If he thinks I'm going
to live in the middle
of this stinking cow pasture,
he's got another thing coming.
- So I'll be hearing from you kids.
- You sure will, Mr. Ebsen.
- I'll be waitin'.
Bye now.
- Bye.
So, what do you think?
- Well, it's, well, it's nice.
I mean, he's really nice.
But a house?
I never thought of buying a house before.
- Neither did I.
Not until last night.
Oh, everything you said
about us last night, Alex,
you still mean it, don't you?
- Yes, of course.
But a house?
I mean, we don't make enough
money to afford a house.
- We can afford this one.
You heard what he wants.
That's nothing.
- Yeah, that's true.
What about the down payment?
I mean, where are we gonna
get that kind of money?
- Alex, we're sitting in it.
- [Banns] Not on your life, toots!
(car banging and sputtering)
(coughing)
- Gee, only $120.
What a pal.
You want my watch, too?
All right, Banns, what are
you trying to pull here?
- [Banns] Alex, I think it's time we
had a man to car talk.
This is serious.
- Your damn right it's serious.
Kathleen's in there right
now with the mechanic
practically begging to lower
your $2000 repair bill.
- [Banns] Come on, Alex, don't be a fool.
Kathleen doesn't care
about my repair bill.
All she wants is that
darling little house,
and she'll trash all our dreams to get it.
Just watch.
- Alex, listen to this.
Rudy has agreed to take the car off
our hands for $10,000, today!
- [Banns] And sell me for double tomorrow.
Say goodbye to your dreams, Alex.
They're dead.
They're hers now.
- That's our down payment, Alex.
Our house.
- [Banns] Her house!
The one with the paddle station wagon
and a room in the basement where you go
to escape your screaming kids.
And try to remember what happened
to all your desires.
You know the house, Alex.
- Well, what do you say?
- [Banns] Yes, what do you say?
Are you a man who's worthy of his dreams
or a coward who's afraid of them?
- Well?
- [Banns] Think of the
possibilities, Alex.
- Our house.
- [Banns] Is it goodbye to your dreams?
Do they mean so little to you?
- No!
- [Banns] That's the spirit, old boy.
- What do you mean?
What are you doing?
- [Banns] Never mind her.
Put those on and get in.
Adventure awaits us.
- Alex!
(tires squealing)
- [Banns] Goodbye,
Kathleen, and good riddance!
- Alex!
Alex, don't do this to me!
- [Banns] Finally, Alex, we're free.
I knew you were my driver the moment
I laid eyes on you.
I knew you wouldn't let me down.
Let me show you what it
really means to be alive!
The possibilities are endless.
Pull over to the side of the road, Alex.
Offer that luscious young creature a ride.
(tires squealing)
(engine revving)
- So, what's your name?
- Banns.
(tires squealing)
(dramatic synth music)
- Banns, don't you think
we should slow down?
- Everything's under control.
- What are you doing?
(Banns laughing maniacally)
No!
(tires squealing)
(Banns laughing maniacally)
You bastard!
(slap smacking)
It's not me, it's him.
He's crazy!
- Who the hell do you think you are?
You outta your bloody mind?
I got a wife and kids back there.
You almost killed them.
What is it with bastards like you
in these crazy sports cars?
The minute you get inside
you turn into maniacs.
- [Alex] I'm--
- Sorry?
Tell that to my kids!
I got your license number.
I'm callin' the cops
the minute I get home.
- What are you trying to do, kill me?
- [Banns] How can I kill someone who's
been dead his entire life?
Happy birthday, Alex.
- I'm through, Banns.
Let me out.
- [Banns] I thought I saw
something in you, Alex.
I really had hope.
- Hope for what?
Ruin my life?
- [Banns] To give you life.
All of my drivers have
disappointed me, Alex.
Just like you.
- Maybe, but do I deserve to die for that?
- [Banns] Where is my driver?
Is he out there?
Does he exist?
- If he does go and find him,
but leave me alone!
- [Banns] All right, Alex.
Goodbye and dream on.
- [Alex] Ah!
(Banns laughing maniacally)
(light playful music)
(engine revving)
- Now, now, Banns.
There's no need for that.
Save it for the country.
- [Banns] Anything for you, my dear.
Anything.
(dramatic synth music)
- [Narrator] You can watch and wait,
hoping to spot the right relationship,
hoping that you'll find just what
you're looking for.
But relationships grow
where you don't expect them.
And if you get taken by surprise,
your life can be altered
more than you know.
(steam hissing)
(doors banging)
(pop music in background)
- What is nicer than real homemade bread?
Great many people think that it's a very
difficult thing to do.
But this section of Video Chef is going to
show you how easy it really is.
Now when we start to make bread,
we must first prove that we have
live yeast to help us.
And we do this by taking a half a cup
of lukewarm water.
And to find out if it's lukewarm,
we do the old baby bottle test
to drop on your wrist,
and if you don't feel either
hot or cold, it's right.
We add a spoonful of sugar.
And then sprinkle
the dried yeast over.
Now we set that aside for a few minutes
until it's nicely bubbled up.
Now I suppose we should really wait
to see if the yeast is alive,
but I'm going to chance it
(knocking)
and carry on with the
rest of my preparations.
- The stench from your
apartment is drifting
out into the hall and the
other tenants are complaining.
I want this place cleaned up.
- Sorry, it's the maid's night off.
- Look, just because you choose to live
in a cess pool, it
doesn't mean other decent
people have to.
- How would you know about
decent people, Pinkus?
You never treated anyone decently
in your entire miserable life.
- I could have you evicted for causing
a health hazard.
- My body, it trembles in fear.
- Well, tomorrow's the first of the month.
I want the rent check and this place
cleaned up by five o'clock.
- Well, I guess I better get started.
You know, it seems to me this hallway's
in dire need of a good hosing down.
(beer spraying)
- That's it, mister.
You are out!
Find yourself another pigsty!
(door slamming)
- We'll explain about gluten in a minute,
but in the meantime that's
just a little too hot.
(liquid gurgling)
So we add some cold water.
So we seem to add the
nicely bubbled up yeast.
Now that yeast is certainly alive.
Give it a good little stir around.
(suspenseful synth music)
(fridge rattling)
(trays rattling)
(church bell tolling)
(soft snoring)
(clock ringing)
(clock clattering)
(suspenseful synth music)
(spitting)
- Finished with the juice yet?
- Ah!
- Don't slam the door like that.
The sudden compression
almost popped my eardrum.
- All right, who put you up to it?
The guys at work?
- Put me up to what?
- Come on, what'd they do?
Install a false bottom?
Where are your legs?
- This is no joke, Frank.
You created me.
See what happens when you leave
a tuna casserole in the
fridge for six months?
- [Frank] Oh God, I'm having
an acid flashback, right?
- Look at me, Frank.
Look into my eyes.
What do you see?
- My reflection.
- I duplicated your features
when you touched me last night.
Granted, it's not a perfect resemblance,
but then again I didn't
have much to work with.
Nevertheless, I'm your clone, Frank.
I'd offer you a cigar, but I don't smoke.
However, watch this.
- Uh, you're eating yourself.
- Mmm, and you bite your nails.
Autocannibalism comes in many forms.
- This is impossible.
- Anything is possible
when cultivated under
optimum conditions, Frank.
You see, every day industries dump tons
of chemical waste into the water supply.
And you've got these sea creatures
who are living, eating, and reproducing
in a polluted environment.
So they pass down defective
genes to their offspring,
who in turn are captured by fishermen.
And then handed over to scientists
so they can conduct a series of frivolous
tests to ensure the product is safe
for human consumption before they place
it on the market.
But they don't have the
foresight to realize
that some things take time.
So one day you come along
and make yourself a real
groovy tuna casserole.
You eat half of it,
then place the leftovers
in the refrigerator,
not even bothering to cover it properly.
And it just sits there for weeks on end.
As the bacteria slowly develops,
and pretty soon you've
got a living organism.
And this organism looks
up at an old milk carton
and sees another organism
going strong in there.
And right beside him, some moldy cheese.
And right below, some fungus that used
to be spaghetti sauce.
And the list goes on and on.
So you've got these cultures thriving
in what to them is a
veritable Garden of Eden,
and these cultures get to talking.
And they realize their
best chance of survival
is that if they ban together.
Since the casserole dish
provides the easiest access,
everyone starts making their way down
for the assimilation process.
And it works, Frank.
They form a single entity.
But it lacks direction and starts growing
in every which way possible 'cause
it doesn't have a prototype.
Then you put your finger in it,
providing the necessary inspiration.
Yes, the world is an oyster, Frank.
A giant, contaminated oyster.
- So what do you want?
- I want rotten food, Frank.
So go to the market after work
and buy up everything
past its expiration date.
Do this for me and you'll
have a friend for life.
(knocking)
- Uh, there's somebody at the door.
Can I answer it?
- Well, you don't expect me to, do you?
(knocking)
- I guess not.
- Hey!
You live in a barn?
- [Frank] What?
- Close the door.
- [Frank] Oh, sorry.
- It's all right.
(knocking)
- That's my cleaning bill.
You could just add it to the rent check.
- Thought you were gonna have me evicted.
- [Pinkus] What I do isn't...
(door slamming)
- Don't get evicted, Frank.
Is this guy gonna be a problem?
- No, no, he's harmless.
I can handle him.
I was just wondering,
can you come out of there at all?
I mean, you don't have any legs.
- This refrigerator is
my life force, Frank.
Think of it as a permanent womb.
It must never be turned off.
Never!
- Well, what if I have
to defrost the freezer?
- I'll take care of it.
- Great, I hate that job.
- Go take a shower, Frank.
You look terrible.
- Uh, just one more question.
- Hmm?
- Do you have a name?
- Call me Junior.
- Junior?
- Why I think it's appropriate, don't you?
- If you say so.
- It's okay, leave it open for a bit.
I want to air the place out.
(fridge rattling)
Don't you ever knock?
- Not on my refrigerator.
Where'd you get that?
- In the crisper with the
fruits and vegetables.
We're gonna have to lay down
some ground rules, Frank.
I value my privacy.
- Does this mean you're
interested in women?
- Of course not.
I was just in the middle of a real great
story on peat moss.
- Right, whatever.
Listen, speaking of women,
I have one comin' over for dinner tonight.
- Does she have a friend?
- Look, this means a lot to me.
I've been tryin' to get a
date with her for months
and today she invited herself over,
so everything has to be perfect.
- Don't worry, Frank.
I won't cramp your style.
You won't even know I'm here.
Did you get the food?
- Yeah.
Uh, they didn't have much of a selection,
but I managed to pick up a few things.
Let's see, I found some sour milk.
- [Junior] Oh.
- And this bread's about 10 days old.
- Oh, great.
- Uh, and I got some steaks
with green splotches all over them.
The butcher was gonna throw them out.
- Excellent.
- Also a dozen rotten eggs.
Now, I'm gonna keep my
food in the door shelf.
Will that be okay?
- 12-year-old scotch?
Bless you, Frank.
- Do you mind?
It's for my date tonight.
- You don't serve scotch with a meal.
- I know, she's bringing wine.
- [Junior] So what are
you making for supper?
- Ah, beef stew.
- Oh, try and save some leftovers for me.
That stuff goes bad really fast.
- Do I have any onions, Junior?
Thanks.
Do I have any green peppers in there?
- Yeah, but they look more
suited to my taste than yours.
- Oh, damn.
- Don't sweat it, Frank.
Here, try these.
- I already have potatoes.
- Use the peels.
They make a great substitute.
- Are you sure?
- Trust me, Frank.
Food is my life.
Besides, I'd never do anything
to jeopardize your health.
Unless you force me to.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Just kidding.
After adding in all the ingredients,
sprinkle in some garlic salt
and let simmer over a low
heat for about an hour,
stirring occasionally.
- For someone who eats tainted food,
you sure know a lot about
the fine art of cooking.
- I guess you can say it's in my blood.
So what's the plan for tonight?
- I don't have a plan.
You got any suggestions?
- Compliment her on some
aspect of her appearance.
You know, hair, clothes, perfume.
Stuff like that.
- Then what?
- Improvise, Frank.
- So Pauline, I really love what you've
done to your hair.
How do you get it to stand up like that?
A special conditioner or?
- Horse manure.
Look, I don't want to talk
while I'm eating, okay?
- Oh, sorry.
- You got more bread?
- Yeah, let me get it for you.
- Wouldn't have it any other way.
(clanging)
- There was a fly on the wall.
(sighing)
- We need more wine.
I'll get it.
- No!
I mean, you're my guest and I'm your host,
so I should be the one to get it, right?
Just like the bread.
- [Pauline] Well hurry up.
(knocking)
- I'll just be a second.
Now what?
I left the rent check under the doormat.
Didn't you see it when you crawled
out of your hole?
- Yes, well that's not good enough.
This place still smells like a barn.
- [Frank] No, that's Pauline.
- [Pinkus] I don't give a damn what it is.
I was willing to give you one more chance.
(kiss smacking)
- Your wine, madam.
- Pauline, I can ex...
(punch smacking)
- What'd you do to her?
- Nothing, I just gave her the wine.
- [Frank] You gave her the wine?
- I was only trying to help.
Besides, she wasn't for you, Frank.
She was only using you to get a free meal.
And on top of that, she
wasn't even a good kisser.
- You kissed her?
- [Junior] Okay, I admit
that probably was a mistake,
but what else was I supposed to do?
I told you to keep an eye on her.
- Why didn't you freeze like a statue?
I could've said you were a sculpture
I was working on.
- I'm sorry, it was an impulsive reaction.
I lost control.
- Oh really?
What about when we were eating
and you started making faces
or waving that stupid book at me.
I almost had a heart attack.
- Well that was the whole point.
You were so tense.
I was just tryin' to
loosen things up a little.
Give you some incentive.
- Oh, terrific.
Just what I needed.
- [Junior] What's going on?
- Nothing, it's just a power failure.
Happens all the time.
I'll get some candles.
- [Junior] Well, do something, Frank.
- [Frank] I'm trying to.
Just relax.
- [Junior] Well how long will it be
before there's power again?
- [Frank] Usually not
more than an hour or two.
- [Junior] Oh, that's no good, Frank.
I need it now!
- Will you calm down?
Look, I'll close the fridge door to keep
the cold in and you'll be fine.
- You don't understand.
In 10 minutes my body
will start changing color.
In half an hour I'll start decomposing.
In an hour I'll be a pile of
slop on your kitchen floor.
You gotta help me, Frank.
Please, I'm dying!
- [Frank] What do you want me to do?
- I need ice.
Lots of it.
As much as you can carry.
- Okay, there's a gas station a couple
of blocks from here.
I won't be long.
Just hang on, Junior.
I'm not gonna let you die.
I promise.
(crying)
Junior?
- Pack the ice in.
Surround me with it.
Hurry, Frank.
Now close the door.
I'll knock when it's safe to open again.
Thanks for helping me, Frank.
If I pull through this,
I'm gonna make it up to you.
- Forget it, Junior.
You don't owe me anything.
(knocking)
Junior!
- Hiya, Frank.
Don't you just love
the smell of Freon gas?
- Should I go out for food?
- No, don't bother.
Most of your stuff thawed out.
- Listen, I've been thinking.
Maybe I should hook up a generator
in case this ever happens again.
I mean, what if there's
another power failure
while I'm at work one day?
- I'm really touched by your
commitment to me, Frank.
I don't care what that
jerk of a landlord says.
You're the best.
I love you, Frank.
- Junior.
- No, I really mean it.
I'd do anything for you.
Anything.
(knocking)
(camera clicking)
Say hello to your worst nightmare.
Is it alive or is it Memorex?
(camera clicking)
(groaning)
I think he got my bad side.
- What happened?
- He came in here snooping around.
- You killed him.
- Well, if you want to
get technical about it,
I was right in the middle of strangling
the guy when he has a heart
attack and turns blue.
And I know how that's like.
I was blue once.
- I don't believe this.
We could go to jail.
Or at least I'll go to jail.
You'll probably end up being dissected
in a biology lab.
- [Junior] I think you're
overreacting, Frank.
- Of course I'm overreacting.
You murdered a man!
- Will you just calm down and listen to me
for a second?
He died of a heart attack.
That's death by natural causes.
No one will suspect a thing.
You can place the body in the hallway
to avoid questions being asked.
- I couldn't live with
it on my conscience.
- Are you kidding me?
The guy was scum.
He was gonna have you evicted.
Do you honestly think he had a guilty
conscious or lost any sleep over it?
- Of course not.
That still doesn't justify killing him!
- You want justification?
Meet John-Paul Sartre.
- Who's he?
A pope?
- He was an existentialist, Frank.
He believed man is responsible
for his own actions and free to choose
his own destiny.
Pinkus was an agitator,
always sticking his nose into
other people's business.
Nobody forced him to be the way he was.
He brought it on himself.
He deserved what he got.
(spitting)
Why don't you invite that leach
over for dinner again, Frank?
- Pauline?
- Yeah, Pauline.
Now there's a bloodsucker who takes
people for granted.
She needs to be taught a lesson.
We'll cook her up something real special.
- I don't know, Junior.
- Do it, Frank.
- Look, she's--
- I said do it!
- Okay, okay, you're right, Junior.
I'm sorry.
- It's time you stop taking crap from
the dregs of society, Frank.
Maggots will squirm all over you
if you let them.
But you're weak.
I could tell just by the way you
bent over backwards to appease Pauline.
What do you think you're doing, Frank?
- Nothing.
I was just gonna hook up the generator.
- You're a liar and a coward.
Here I am trying to
enhance your self-esteem
and you don't even appreciate it.
Well, I've decided you're no longer
worth the trouble, Frank.
Besides, there are a lot
of other fish in the sea.
Goodbye, Frank.
(grunting)
(camera clicking)
(grunting)
Get the generator, Frank.
Please.
I'm sorry, Frank.
Connect the generator!
Frank! No, Frank, Frank!
You've gotta help me!
Please!
I'm dying, Frank!
Please, Frank!
Frank, no!
Frank, I love you!
Frank!
Frank, no!
(banging)
- Apparently Mr. Pinkus has had
a history of heart trouble.
What do you suppose he was
doing in your apartment?
- Ah, repairing the refrigerator, I guess.
- Oh, looks like he was trying to move it.
Physical exertion probably
brought on the attack.
Some people never learn, huh?
- Do you need me to come
down to the hospital, or?
- Nah.
It's basically a routine death.
Family's been notified.
I'll be in touch if there's anything else.
Have a nice day.
(sighing)
(liquid gurgling)
- That was an excellent beef stew, Frank.
Is it an old family recipe?
- [Frank] Sort of.
- So do you cook for people often?
Friends or?
- You mean women.
- Whatever.
- Only recently.
- Here, let me help you.
- Thanks.
Oh, don't bother with that.
Just throw it all out.
- [Woman] But don't you
want to keep the leftovers?
- No.
They'll only go bad.
- Sure, Frank.
(ominous synth music)
- [Narrator] Some relationships
are easily forgotten.
Others take a long time to get over.
Especially affairs of the heart.
They can start out simply,
and then turn incredibly complex.
When a relationship has more parts to it
than you first thought,
the impact on you can
be very powerful indeed.
(steam hissing)
(doors banging)
(suspenseful synth music)
- Uh, I'm not quite sure about this one.
- Ah, yes well, more than one response
can be acceptable to you,
but there's probably one
that would please you most.
Choose that one.
Don't think too long about it.
That's it, I guess.
- Good.
The computer's searching our database to
find your perfect match.
Don't worry, here at
Perfect Match, Incorporated
we've helped thousands of people like you.
We'll find exactly who you're looking for.
Ah, here comes his name and file number.
I'll get his picture from our files.
- So, how'd it go at the dating service?
- Oh, I don't know.
What do you think?
- This is what they have on file?
- [Susan] Basically yeah.
This is supposed to be my ideal man.
- Ooh, and mine and about
every other woman's everywhere.
- Well I paid for him, so he's mine.
- Has he got a brother?
A cousin?
- Pam.
- All right, I'll even
take a distant relative.
- No.
- So when's the first encounter?
- Next Saturday, 7:00pm, at Studebakers.
And you're not invited.
- Susan, wait.
Damn.
(dramatic music)
(clock ticking)
(sighing)
- Hello, Susan.
I'm Chris Walker.
- Hi, I'm Susan Hill.
I'm sorry, I guess you know that already.
- May I sit down?
- Yes, please.
I'm sorry, I'm just a little nervous.
- Me, too.
I hope you like this place.
- Yes, very much.
It's beautiful.
- Hello, would you care
for some aperitives?
- What will it be, Susan?
A Dubbonet red?
- Yes, please.
- A Dubbonet red and a
bourbon on the rocks, please.
- How did you know I like Dubbonet?
- It's not a mystery.
- Oh, of course.
They must've told you
lots of things about me.
- Yeah, a few things.
You work for a clothing manufacturer.
You like antiques and you love to travel.
What did they tell you about me?
- Well, that you work for a
management consulting company,
you're well read, you like hiking.
And you're supposed to
be my perfect match.
- Well, here's to a perfect match.
- To a perfect match.
Um, I'm curious.
How did someone like you end up
at a dating agency?
- Probably for the same reasons you did.
Demanding job, not much spare time.
You know.
- Yeah, I know.
So, you like to travel?
- Yeah, well I haven't traveled much,
but I'd like to.
I've always wanted to
go to Europe and Japan.
- [Pam] What took you so long?
I've hardly slept all weekend.
- What are you talking about?
- Oh no you don't.
Would you deny your best friend
a teeny weeny, small share of your date?
- Pam, I have work to do.
- Oh, come on, Susan.
- If I don't get these
files out right away,
we'll get our stock late.
This is how we get our
daily bread, remember?
And our coffee.
- Uh-uh, no story, no coffee.
You'll have to put through your orders
bleary-eyed and caffeine free.
You'll have to run on your own energy.
No stimulants, just
plain, dull, tired you.
- Okay, what do you want to know?
(laughing)
It was wonderful.
And he's everything I ever wanted.
Impeccable manners.
You know, the kind who knows when to push
and when to lay off.
He was so knowledgeable.
I mean, he knows so much
about so many things.
Never have to spoon-feed
him into a conversation.
He was attentive.
He never missed a detail.
I felt very special.
- Wow, the guy's a hit.
He sounds too good to be true.
Did you, you know, did you do it?
- Come on, Pam.
Nobody does it the first night anymore.
Besides, I want to take
this one nice and easy.
I want a little romance in my life.
- Come off it, Susan.
With your looks?
- That's just it.
Don't you feel like
you're always on display?
Like you're part of the merchandise?
And then when it's over.
- Frankly, I wish I had your problem.
- Yeah, well, I'm tired of
those losers in the bars.
Anyway, how did your evening go?
- The usual.
Frank was in one of his better moods.
He knocked the cap off the guy sitting
in front of us at the ballgame.
But everyone was in
one piece when we left.
- Why do you put up with him?
- I don't know.
There's something cute about him.
I just love it when he kicks the car door
when he's locked the keys in,
or when he brings me a bag of fresh garlic
on our way out for a date.
- Whatever works for you, I guess.
- So when's the next visit to paradise?
And when do I get to meet Mr. Perfect?
- Well, the ball's in his court now.
So you'll have to wait.
- Aw.
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
Oh hi, how's it going?
Yeah, no, no I don't
have any plans for lunch.
Ah, sure.
Yeah, that'd be great.
That'll be fine.
No, I can meet you there, I'm...
Yeah, okay, great.
Okay, buh-bye.
(soft instrumental music)
Am I too polite?
I don't think he would've
done any different.
- No, we're both very polite.
So how's work going?
- Oh, not bad for a Monday.
You know, same old grind.
But I am looking forward to the weekend.
- Why?
- There's this big flea
market out on Hudson.
And they usually have
these old stained glass
windows for sale,
and I've been looking for
a couple for my apartment.
- Why not make your own?
- Pardon me?
- It's not as complicated
as it used to be.
Before the 16th century,
pieces of glass with
uneven surfaces were used.
They were held together with lead stripes.
That's how we got those
mosaics in the cathedrals.
Jeweled reflections of light.
Now we have larger pieces
and smoother glass.
Today it's much easier,
even if it doesn't look as good.
- You amaze me.
How do you know all this stuff?
- I've just got a head
for trivia, I guess.
- Listen, how would you like
to meet a friend of mine?
- Now?
- No, no, no, after lunch.
- Are we expected?
- No, I thought we'd surprise her.
- I don't think so.
- Oh look, she'd really love to meet you.
- Maybe another time.
- It won't take long.
My office is just a few minutes away.
- Today just isn't a good day.
We'll do it another time, I promise.
You say when and where.
I'd really rather be
alone with you right now.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to be pushy.
- So when is this flea market?
- Well, it's next Saturday.
It starts at about 10 and
then it goes till around five.
- Hey, Susan?
Susan, hang on a second.
I want to show you something.
Well?
- What's this?
- It's part of our new line.
What do you think?
- It's beautiful.
- Well, you're in a good mood today.
Must've been some lunch.
- As a matter of fact,
it was perfect.
- Oh yeah?
- Never mind.
Listen, would you and Frank mind
if Chris and I joined you bowling Friday?
- Oh, great.
Bob and Donna canceled,
so it'll be just us.
- Great, that suits me.
- Perfect.
Ta-ta, have fun.
(dramatic music)
(soft synth music)
(knocking)
- Who is it?
- [Chris] It's Chris.
- Hi, is it seven o'clock already?
Good grief.
- Am I too early?
I thought you said seven.
- No, I did say seven,
but I guess I dozed off.
I just laid down for a few minutes.
Look, Chris, would you really mind
if we didn't go tonight?
I'm really tired.
- I've been looking forward
to meeting your friends.
- We can meet them any time.
- Won't they be wondering
what happened to us?
- I could call them.
- I've been looking
forward to this all day.
- Okay, okay, we'll go.
- Is there any stuff you'd
like me to take down?
- Uh, yeah, me.
- No problem.
- No, don't!
I can't go like this.
I'll be right back.
(suspenseful synth music)
- So, you ready?
- Okay.
(pins clattering)
- Try that one.
- No, I don't want that one.
- Look at your fingers.
They're too small.
- Hi.
- Hi, Frank and Sue.
This is Chris.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- And that's Frank.
- Hey, how are ya?
- He's gorgeous, what a hunk.
Ah!
- Good, good.
Okay, let's bowl.
- Yeah, bowl.
I still want that ball.
- No, it's mine.
Go, go, go, go, go.
Yes!
(pins clattering)
- Yes, yes, yes!
(pins clattering)
Woo!
- Hey, hey!
Ah!
- I got the whole thing all by myself.
- Good shootin'.
- Yeah.
(suspenseful synth music)
(pins clattering)
- You didn't tell me you were a pro.
- I'm not.
- Do you think you could leave a few pins
standing every now and then?
- But you're supposed to
knock down all the pins.
- Chris, Frank is getting frustrated.
- I don't see the point.
But if you want me to, okay.
Which pins do you want left standing?
- Don't get funny.
Just don't be so perfect all the time.
- Go, go, go!
(pins clattering)
Yes!
- That was quite a performance you put on
at the bowling alley.
- I did take a few lessons from a pro.
- That's not what I'm talking about.
But I don't mean to criticize,
but do you have to do
everything so perfectly?
- I can't help it.
- Okay, okay.
Can you pass me the tomato sauce?
- What's the matter?
- I'm not sure.
My arm hurts.
Probably pulled a muscle bowling.
- So you're not that perfect after all.
- No, I guess I'm not.
(laughing)
- [Susan] I've tried all
kinds of exotic cooking,
but I'm not very good at any of it.
- [Chris] I'm sure that's not true.
- How would you know?
You've never tried my cooking.
- I'm about to.
- Pizza doesn't count.
- True, but you like oriental cooking.
Have a strong liking for Italian.
But right now you'd like to
check out Shaker cooking.
- How did you know all that?
- You'd be surprised at what I know.
- Oh, so what kind of books do I like?
- Mysteries, adventure,
anything to do with world travel.
Factual accounts of programs
for developing countries.
History.
- Actually my preference isn't really
for books at all, but--
- National Geographic Magazine.
- But more than that I prefer--
- Films, especially old films.
- And?
- Museums, all kinds of museums.
- Stop it!
Stop it!
Is there nothing left
to discover about me?
- It seems to me we're very compatible.
That's what you wanted, isn't it?
- Yes, of course.
You're everything I wanted.
I just, I can't surprise
you with anything.
It's not fair.
They told you so much more about me
than they told me about you.
Oh, look Chris, I'm sorry.
I'm just tired.
- It's okay.
- Would you mind putting the
pizza in the oven for me?
(dramatic music)
Chris, what are you doing?
I can't believe you just did that.
Let me see your hand.
- I can't believe it, either.
I do feel kind of stupid.
Don't worry, it's just a little burn.
- That must really hurt.
Look, I have some stuff
in the medicine cabinet.
We'll go fix it up.
- Look, it's getting late
anyways and you're tired.
I'll take care of it myself.
- Don't be ridiculous.
Let me see it.
- I'll be fine, really.
I'll call you tomorrow.
- Oh!
- Did you know that the cactus is one
of the hardiest forms
of plant life on earth?
It thrives in arid and desolate climates,
while other plants just wither and die.
- That's fascinating.
- I think so, too.
They've adapted amazingly well.
In fact--
- Chris, what are we doing here?
- Well, you're interested
in seeing other countries,
so I thought you'd like
to see some vegetation
found in semi-arid climates.
- Oh, I like plants, but you know,
I'm really more interested in seeing--
- Floral displays!
That's what it was.
Sorry.
Well, don't worry.
In the next hall there's
a display of orchids.
They're very beautiful.
You'll like them.
We'll go and see them as soon as we finish
seeing this area.
- Chris, it's people I'm interested in.
Not cactus and flowers.
- The floral display's just up ahead.
- Chris, I don't want to look at flowers.
Look, instead of staying here and seeing
the rest of these displays,
why don't we go the Museum of Fine Arts?
They've got a great Japanese exhibit there
with painting and sculpture.
- I don't think so.
We'll go and see the flower display now.
- Why not go to the fine arts museum?
- Because this is what we planned to do.
- No, this is what you planned to do.
- You're not happy.
- No, I'm not.
- I'll tell you what,
we'll plan to go to the
fine arts museum next week.
- Plan, plan, that's all I ever hear.
Don't you ever do anything
on the spur of the moment?
Why can't you ever be spontaneous?
- I don't know.
Susan, I'm sorry.
I really thought you'd like this.
- Just take me home.
- Is that what you really want?
- No, but it's probably
the best I'm gonna get.
- Okay, Susan, that's it for me.
I'm home gone, I'll catch ya tomorrow.
- Pam, can you wait a minute.
I really have to talk to you.
- Sure, what's up?
- Uh, it's Chris.
He's really bothering me.
He's acting very strange.
- Like what?
- Well, like whenever I talk to him.
Before I can say anything,
he completes my phrases.
There's nothing I can surprise him with.
- What's wrong with that?
Would you prefer some guy who never knew
what you were talking about?
- No, it's just that there's
never any discussion.
There's never any room for disagreement.
You know what I'm talking about?
- No.
- Look, whenever I suggest something,
he always agrees.
- So?
- So the only time he doesn't go along
is when I change my mind about something.
If it hasn't been planned, he won't do it.
Nothing is spontaneous.
And talk about cold.
I don't think he has an
emotional bone in his body.
Let me tell you, for all his faults,
Frank at least isn't
afraid to show emotion.
(chuckles)
- Have you talked to Chris about this?
- No.
No, I can't say that I have.
- Well, why don't you?
And by the way, you've
smudged your makeup.
- Again?
Thank you.
You know, sometimes when I talk to him,
it's like I'm talking into a mirror.
He's like a reflection of me.
- You know, I think you should have this
out with him right now.
Call him, be spontaneous.
Maybe that'll give him a
chance to be spontaneous, too.
- You really think so?
- Yeah, I know so.
- Okay, maybe you're right.
(suspenseful music)
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
- Hi, Chris, it's Susan.
Listen, can I come over right now?
I really have to talk to you.
- [Chris] This isn't a good time.
- Chris, this is really important.
- It's not convenient now.
Can we talk tomorrow?
- I know it's not convenient,
but I really have to talk to you now.
- All right, but can
we talk at your place?
My place is a mess.
- Okay, I guess that's
better than nothing.
I'll see you in a few minutes.
Chris, are you okay?
- Yes, I'm okay.
- Okay, I'll see you then, buh-bye.
(suspenseful music)
(wire cutters snapping)
What's the matter with your arm?
- It still hurts from bowling.
Don't worry, it's nothing serious.
I'm just giving it a rest.
- I know you weren't expecting this,
but I have to talk to you.
- I don't mind.
- Chris, there are a few things that are
really bothering me.
Do you know what I'm talking about?
- No.
- Well, for starters I know that you were
given a file about me,
but I was given one on you, too.
Now how do you know so much more about me
than I know about you?
Every time I start to stay something,
it seems like you know what's coming next.
How do you do that?
- I don't know.
- Well, for once you don't know something.
I guess that's a bit of a progress anyway.
And every time I suggest something
different from what we planned,
you never want to try it.
- I don't know.
- Are you making fun of me now?
- [Chris] I don't know.
- Your hand, how come
there's no burn on it?
- I don't know.
- Chris, what's the matter with you?
- I don't know.
I, I...
(screaming)
I don't know.
I don't, I don't.
(screaming)
(dramatic music)
- [Narrator] Yes, relationships
are odd things.
Unpredictable, but essential.
They take our lives,
twisting and turning them,
wrenching them from our control.
There are no guarantees.
Promises are made
and trust is given.
Hope grows.
And sometimes it gets crushed.
(dramatic music)
Relationships.
They're a long, strange ride.
(dramatic music)
(suspenseful music)
- [Narrator] People always
seem to be going somewhere.
Moving here and there
in all directions.
It almost seems like we're
part of a giant organism
with billions of little parts
all thrashing away on their own.
But somehow we all seem to thrash
in a same general direction.
(suspenseful music)
Relationships.
The ties that bind people together
are what keeps us moving
in the same direction.
Relationships are strange things.
They're all different,
but they're all the same.
You can't touch them,
but they reach out and touch you.
And they leave their mark.
Sometimes with memories.
Sometimes with scars.
But whatever they leave you with,
they leave you changed.
When you enter into a relationship,
you never really know what to expect.
You try to stay in control because
if you lose that,
confidence and self-image
are the next casualties.
Relationships are a gamble.
You ride a razor's edge balance
between give and take,
where nothing is fixed
and nothing is sure.
(suspenseful music)
How far you ride
depends on where you want to go.
And they can take you places
you can't even imagine.
Places you wouldn't choose to go.
(suspenseful music)
Some people aren't good in relationships,
especially when the
relationship is one-sided.
If you're not careful,
you can be driven to distraction.
(steam hissing)
(doors banging)
- Are we there yet, darling?
- Soon.
(upbeat pop music)
(tires squealing)
- Uh!
- Sleeping on the job again, eh Diddle?
I guess you're about due for a transfer.
- [Alex] Okay, can you try it now?
(engine cranking)
Okay, try it again.
(engine cranking)
- Alex, we've been at this
for over half an hour.
I'm gonna be late for work
and you're leaking oil all
over my dad's driveway.
He's gonna kill you.
- Just give me one more minute.
I think I found the problem.
Okay, try it now.
(engine cranking)
Come on, come on, you
can do it, you can do it.
Come on, let's go, come on.
(engine cranking)
All right, you big hunk o' junk.
If you don't start now it's straight
to the scrap heap with you!
(engine cranking)
(wrench clattering)
I warned you!
I hope you come back as bed pan.
- Alex, there's no point getting upset.
- Well, how am I gonna get to work now?
I mean, I just found out I got a job
guarding a trailer park
out in the boonies.
- What about the bus?
- They don't run out there.
Besides, I'm tired of
taking the bus every time
this tin can decides not to start.
Look, you better go.
You're gonna be late for work.
- Alex, I have an idea.
What if you borrow some money
from our savings account?
- Oh, but Kathleen, that money's for our,
well, you know, our future.
- I know, but so is your job.
We could think of it as an investment.
$1500 oughta do the trick.
- Are you sure about this?
- [Kathleen] Mmm-hmm.
- All right.
(laughing)
- But remember, only $1500.
- Okay.
- I know a good used
car lot on the way home.
(upbeat pop music)
- What's he talkin' about?
Sure I gave him a lifetime guarantee.
His lifetime, not the bloody car's.
Look, the guy's 94 years old, right?
I figured he'd buy it way
before a car ever did.
Anyway, you take care of it.
That's what you're paid for.
Well, look, I gotta go.
I got one of these real sweeties here.
Yeah, you know those mooks that test
cars by kickin' tires?
No, really.
See ya in court, Frankie.
Any man who kicks tires is
a man who knows his cars.
Jack Tow, Pay and Go,
king of the as is bargain.
- Alex Diddle, guy tired of taking buses.
- Well, Alex, you've come
to the right place now.
Now how much did you want to spend?
You know, high end, low end.
You name it, we'll meet it.
- Well, that all depends.
You see, there are several factors.
- Oh, hey, hey, sure.
Make, model, year, mileage.
- Girlfriend.
- [Jack] Oh.
- You see, it's sort of our money and--
- Oh, say no more, say no more.
I got the car for you right here.
Take a look.
Huh?
Big, clean, cheap,
and as a bonus, it really runs.
- You just described a bus.
I already take a bus.
- You got a point there, Alex.
Well look, hey, what did you have in mind?
- Uh, nothing here, I guess.
Look, I'm sorry.
I guess I just want what I can't have.
- Oh, tell me about it.
Hey, I want my wife to
look like Dolly Parton.
You take what you can get and you live
with what you got, eh?
- I know, that's what they say.
See ya.
- [Car] I say, you don't believe all
that rubbish, do you?
Well turn around and answer me, boy.
Don't just stand there
like a Greek statue.
- What is this?
- [Car] That's better.
Don't worry, you're the
only person who can hear me.
My boy, you came looking
for a dream and I am it.
Now come closer and take
this stuffy tarp off me.
That's it.
Don't stop.
Now grab the tarp.
Gently.
It's been awhile since
I've seen the light.
- [Jack] Hey, what do
you think you're doin'?
- This voice.
Your loudspeaker.
Something told me to lift this tarp.
- Voice?
What have you been
guarding all night, kid?
Toxic waste?
I didn't hear any voice.
Besides, you can't afford a car like this.
- [Car] You haven't even seen me yet.
- Yeah, I haven't even seen him, it yet.
- Suit yourself, kid.
Dream on.
(trumpet fanfare music)
- [Car] With me on your side,
your dreams can come true.
I can help you, Alex,
but you must be willing
to pay a price and I don't come cheap.
Well, what do you say?
Ouch!
Take it easy on the clutch!
- Oh, sorry sir, um...
Your Carness.
- [Car] Not to worry.
Just call me Banns.
I say, you're not having second thoughts
about me, are you?
- No, no, no.
It's Kathleen, you know, my girlfriend
that I'm sort of worried about.
You see, it's sort of our money, so.
- [Banns] I see.
This Kathleen, don't your
dreams and your happiness
mean the world to her?
- Well, not exactly.
- [Banns] Not exactly?
Then we'll just have to
change that, won't we?
Leave everything up to me.
- [Alex] Oh, more!
- [Banns] No woman will stand
in the way of our dreams.
- Her dress ripped. (giggling)
She was so embarrassed, I told Trish...
(knocking)
- I just bought a new car!
- Alex?
- I just bought a new car.
Let's go for a spin.
- [Kathleen] Really, where is it?
- It's right around the corner.
It's gorgeous.
It's the deal of a lifetime.
- Can you take care of this?
I'll pay you back later.
Thanks.
- Right over there.
Well?
What do you think?
- What do I think?
I think it's gorgeous!
- [Banns] You see, there
was nothing to worry about.
- Alex, how did you get a
car like this for $1500?
- Well, it was easy.
I didn't, Honey.
- What do you mean, Alex?
How much did you pay?
- Well, it's not important
how much I paid for it.
Just think of what this
car will do for us.
- What, drive us around?
Alex, how much of our money did you spend?
- Five.
- Five?
$5000?
You've gotta be kidding.
That's almost everything we have.
- [Banns] I will not stand idol while
that woman insists on ridiculing us.
- Alex, slow down!
- It's not me, Kathleen,
it's this car, it--
- [Banns] Go ahead, Alex.
Tell her I'm a talking car.
- Slow down then!
- Alex, slow down or
I'll take out the key!
(gasping)
Are you crazy?
You're going through a red light.
- [Banns] Kathleen has you wrapped around
her little finger.
That just won't do, Alex.
- [Kathleen] Look, now you've
got the police after us.
- [Alex] Aw, great!
(sirens wailing)
- Alex!
- What do you want from me, Banns?
- [Banns] It's very simple.
That you will no longer allow that woman
to question our judgment.
- Alex, let me out right here.
- [Banns] I'm waiting, Alex.
- All right!
(tires squealing)
(sirens wailing)
(slap smacking)
- [Banns] Uh-oh, a slap.
How deliciously archaic.
You know, it's not the first time a woman
slapped a man in here.
- Well, it's just the sort of thing
I expect to hear from a car.
What's next?
Cutting off school buses?
- Well, now that you talk
to Mr. Dashboard here,
maybe you'd like to meet my little friend,
Mr. Breathalyzer.
Then we can see if Mr.
Ticket wants to get in
on this little chit-chat.
- [Banns] Stop!
(woman yelling)
Good heavens!
This reminds me of my trip to Cleveland.
Tell me, Alex, what on earth
are we doing in this dump?
- I live in this dump.
- [Banns] You're kidding.
Things are worse than I thought.
- I've had enough, you creep!
- Forget it, okay?
- [Banns] You realize, Alex,
this simply won't do.
I for one do not relish the idea
of being hot wired.
And unless you consider those
peasants your role models,
it's time we moved.
- Moved?
Banns, you just got me nailed
with an $800 ticket.
I can't even afford this dump.
I thought you were gonna
make my dreams come true.
Bankruptcy wasn't one of 'em.
- [Banns] By dear tired boy,
you've only had me in
your life for three hours.
But you've had me in
your dreams for how long?
Forever?
Longer?
- Pretty much.
- You know why you bought me, Alex.
You wanted to change your life.
That means a clean slate.
- What about Kathleen?
- [Banns] Ah, yes, Kathleen.
You're very fond of that girl, aren't you?
- Well, yeah.
I love her.
And up until this morning,
I was pretty sure she loved me.
- [Banns] I'm sure that hasn't changed.
Get some rest, Alex.
Just think what I've been saying.
We'll take care of Kathleen later.
- If anyone touches you--
- [Banns] I'll honk.
Sweet dreams, Alex.
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
- Alex?
- Kathleen, let me explain.
- There's nothing to explain.
You emptied our account
without even asking me.
I thought I could trust you.
- Look, it wasn't like that at all.
- That's exactly the way it was, Alex.
I said you could spend $1500.
You spent 5000.
Listen, I don't wanna talk about it.
I want you to return that car tomorrow.
- Kathleen, at least give
me a chance to explain.
Look, I'll come over right now, okay?
- You can explain all you want, Alex.
I'm still not gonna change my mind.
You're gonna return that
car and that's final.
- I'll be over soon.
- Fine.
- All right, we're here.
Now what?
- [Banns] Like I said,
let me do the talking.
- Are you sure about this?
- [Banns] Trust me, she'll
open up like a blossom.
Alex, the flowers!
(doorbell ringing)
Go on!
I've done this a million times.
(dog barking)
Good heavens.
- [Alex] Hello, Mr. Wiggin.
Is Kathleen in?
- [Banns] I see where she gets her looks.
- Heel, Lucifer.
It's only Alvin.
Is that the death car?
Kathleen?
It's Albert.
- [Alex] Alex.
- [Banns] A man with a rifle can call you
whatever he wants.
Now pay close attention.
Good Lord.
Kathleen.
- [Alex] Kathleen.
- [Banns] You look ravishing.
- [Alex] You look ravishing.
- I feel horrible.
It's all your fault.
They sent me home from work
today I was such a wreck.
- [Banns] Tell her I
know this small something
won't begin to erase the brutal memory
of what happened this
morning from your sweet mind.
- I know this small something won't begin
to erase the brutal
memory of what happened
this morning from your sweet mind.
- [Banns] Not bad.
Now tell her it would take an orchard
to show you the length and depth.
- It would take an orchard to show you
the length and depth.
- [Banns] Of my true regret.
- [Alex] Of my true regret.
- [Banns] As well as
how much I cherish you.
- As well as how much I cherish you.
- [Banns] But please.
- [Alex] But please.
- [Banns] Grant me this.
- Grant me this.
Hear me out.
- Okay.
- [Banns] All right, Alex.
Turn around slowly and look at something.
The moon.
- Ah, the moon, following
you wherever it goes.
- [Banns] What?
Stick to the script, Alex.
Tell her, Kathleen, I've
made more than my share
of mistakes in my life.
Some have cost me dearly.
- Kathleen, Kathleen,
I've made more of my share
of mistakes in my life.
Some have cost me dearly.
It's true.
- [Banns] But buying
this, this rare jewel.
- But buying this, this
rare jewel, this...
- [Banns] This timeless incarnation.
- This timeless incarnation of perfection.
- [Banns] This classic.
- [Alex] This classic.
- [Banns] Was not one of them.
- Was not one of them.
- [Banns] Take her by the hand, Alex.
- This was not a boyish,
selfish whim, Kathleen.
But the realization of a dream.
Our dream.
Our life.
Our future begins here, sweet Kathleen.
Believe this.
With one phone call tomorrow
to the right collector,
our money would be tripled.
- [Banns] Quadrupled, even.
- Do you honestly believe that I would
openly betray the trust that you so
openly surrendered to me?
- [Banns] Take it away.
- My life, Kathleen, there
have only been two things.
One is this car.
The other is the angel
that I hold in my arms.
- Oh, Alex.
I'm sorry.
(tapping)
- [Banns] My pleasure.
(light playful music)
- Alex, stop!
Go back!
(tires squealing)
Oh, look!
Isn't it just perfect?
Come on.
(dog barking)
- [Banns] Alex!
Why on earth are we stopping here?
- I saw you putting up the sign.
Can we take a look inside?
- [Man] Yeah, sure thing.
- [Banns] Alex!
If he thinks I'm going
to live in the middle
of this stinking cow pasture,
he's got another thing coming.
- So I'll be hearing from you kids.
- You sure will, Mr. Ebsen.
- I'll be waitin'.
Bye now.
- Bye.
So, what do you think?
- Well, it's, well, it's nice.
I mean, he's really nice.
But a house?
I never thought of buying a house before.
- Neither did I.
Not until last night.
Oh, everything you said
about us last night, Alex,
you still mean it, don't you?
- Yes, of course.
But a house?
I mean, we don't make enough
money to afford a house.
- We can afford this one.
You heard what he wants.
That's nothing.
- Yeah, that's true.
What about the down payment?
I mean, where are we gonna
get that kind of money?
- Alex, we're sitting in it.
- [Banns] Not on your life, toots!
(car banging and sputtering)
(coughing)
- Gee, only $120.
What a pal.
You want my watch, too?
All right, Banns, what are
you trying to pull here?
- [Banns] Alex, I think it's time we
had a man to car talk.
This is serious.
- Your damn right it's serious.
Kathleen's in there right
now with the mechanic
practically begging to lower
your $2000 repair bill.
- [Banns] Come on, Alex, don't be a fool.
Kathleen doesn't care
about my repair bill.
All she wants is that
darling little house,
and she'll trash all our dreams to get it.
Just watch.
- Alex, listen to this.
Rudy has agreed to take the car off
our hands for $10,000, today!
- [Banns] And sell me for double tomorrow.
Say goodbye to your dreams, Alex.
They're dead.
They're hers now.
- That's our down payment, Alex.
Our house.
- [Banns] Her house!
The one with the paddle station wagon
and a room in the basement where you go
to escape your screaming kids.
And try to remember what happened
to all your desires.
You know the house, Alex.
- Well, what do you say?
- [Banns] Yes, what do you say?
Are you a man who's worthy of his dreams
or a coward who's afraid of them?
- Well?
- [Banns] Think of the
possibilities, Alex.
- Our house.
- [Banns] Is it goodbye to your dreams?
Do they mean so little to you?
- No!
- [Banns] That's the spirit, old boy.
- What do you mean?
What are you doing?
- [Banns] Never mind her.
Put those on and get in.
Adventure awaits us.
- Alex!
(tires squealing)
- [Banns] Goodbye,
Kathleen, and good riddance!
- Alex!
Alex, don't do this to me!
- [Banns] Finally, Alex, we're free.
I knew you were my driver the moment
I laid eyes on you.
I knew you wouldn't let me down.
Let me show you what it
really means to be alive!
The possibilities are endless.
Pull over to the side of the road, Alex.
Offer that luscious young creature a ride.
(tires squealing)
(engine revving)
- So, what's your name?
- Banns.
(tires squealing)
(dramatic synth music)
- Banns, don't you think
we should slow down?
- Everything's under control.
- What are you doing?
(Banns laughing maniacally)
No!
(tires squealing)
(Banns laughing maniacally)
You bastard!
(slap smacking)
It's not me, it's him.
He's crazy!
- Who the hell do you think you are?
You outta your bloody mind?
I got a wife and kids back there.
You almost killed them.
What is it with bastards like you
in these crazy sports cars?
The minute you get inside
you turn into maniacs.
- [Alex] I'm--
- Sorry?
Tell that to my kids!
I got your license number.
I'm callin' the cops
the minute I get home.
- What are you trying to do, kill me?
- [Banns] How can I kill someone who's
been dead his entire life?
Happy birthday, Alex.
- I'm through, Banns.
Let me out.
- [Banns] I thought I saw
something in you, Alex.
I really had hope.
- Hope for what?
Ruin my life?
- [Banns] To give you life.
All of my drivers have
disappointed me, Alex.
Just like you.
- Maybe, but do I deserve to die for that?
- [Banns] Where is my driver?
Is he out there?
Does he exist?
- If he does go and find him,
but leave me alone!
- [Banns] All right, Alex.
Goodbye and dream on.
- [Alex] Ah!
(Banns laughing maniacally)
(light playful music)
(engine revving)
- Now, now, Banns.
There's no need for that.
Save it for the country.
- [Banns] Anything for you, my dear.
Anything.
(dramatic synth music)
- [Narrator] You can watch and wait,
hoping to spot the right relationship,
hoping that you'll find just what
you're looking for.
But relationships grow
where you don't expect them.
And if you get taken by surprise,
your life can be altered
more than you know.
(steam hissing)
(doors banging)
(pop music in background)
- What is nicer than real homemade bread?
Great many people think that it's a very
difficult thing to do.
But this section of Video Chef is going to
show you how easy it really is.
Now when we start to make bread,
we must first prove that we have
live yeast to help us.
And we do this by taking a half a cup
of lukewarm water.
And to find out if it's lukewarm,
we do the old baby bottle test
to drop on your wrist,
and if you don't feel either
hot or cold, it's right.
We add a spoonful of sugar.
And then sprinkle
the dried yeast over.
Now we set that aside for a few minutes
until it's nicely bubbled up.
Now I suppose we should really wait
to see if the yeast is alive,
but I'm going to chance it
(knocking)
and carry on with the
rest of my preparations.
- The stench from your
apartment is drifting
out into the hall and the
other tenants are complaining.
I want this place cleaned up.
- Sorry, it's the maid's night off.
- Look, just because you choose to live
in a cess pool, it
doesn't mean other decent
people have to.
- How would you know about
decent people, Pinkus?
You never treated anyone decently
in your entire miserable life.
- I could have you evicted for causing
a health hazard.
- My body, it trembles in fear.
- Well, tomorrow's the first of the month.
I want the rent check and this place
cleaned up by five o'clock.
- Well, I guess I better get started.
You know, it seems to me this hallway's
in dire need of a good hosing down.
(beer spraying)
- That's it, mister.
You are out!
Find yourself another pigsty!
(door slamming)
- We'll explain about gluten in a minute,
but in the meantime that's
just a little too hot.
(liquid gurgling)
So we add some cold water.
So we seem to add the
nicely bubbled up yeast.
Now that yeast is certainly alive.
Give it a good little stir around.
(suspenseful synth music)
(fridge rattling)
(trays rattling)
(church bell tolling)
(soft snoring)
(clock ringing)
(clock clattering)
(suspenseful synth music)
(spitting)
- Finished with the juice yet?
- Ah!
- Don't slam the door like that.
The sudden compression
almost popped my eardrum.
- All right, who put you up to it?
The guys at work?
- Put me up to what?
- Come on, what'd they do?
Install a false bottom?
Where are your legs?
- This is no joke, Frank.
You created me.
See what happens when you leave
a tuna casserole in the
fridge for six months?
- [Frank] Oh God, I'm having
an acid flashback, right?
- Look at me, Frank.
Look into my eyes.
What do you see?
- My reflection.
- I duplicated your features
when you touched me last night.
Granted, it's not a perfect resemblance,
but then again I didn't
have much to work with.
Nevertheless, I'm your clone, Frank.
I'd offer you a cigar, but I don't smoke.
However, watch this.
- Uh, you're eating yourself.
- Mmm, and you bite your nails.
Autocannibalism comes in many forms.
- This is impossible.
- Anything is possible
when cultivated under
optimum conditions, Frank.
You see, every day industries dump tons
of chemical waste into the water supply.
And you've got these sea creatures
who are living, eating, and reproducing
in a polluted environment.
So they pass down defective
genes to their offspring,
who in turn are captured by fishermen.
And then handed over to scientists
so they can conduct a series of frivolous
tests to ensure the product is safe
for human consumption before they place
it on the market.
But they don't have the
foresight to realize
that some things take time.
So one day you come along
and make yourself a real
groovy tuna casserole.
You eat half of it,
then place the leftovers
in the refrigerator,
not even bothering to cover it properly.
And it just sits there for weeks on end.
As the bacteria slowly develops,
and pretty soon you've
got a living organism.
And this organism looks
up at an old milk carton
and sees another organism
going strong in there.
And right beside him, some moldy cheese.
And right below, some fungus that used
to be spaghetti sauce.
And the list goes on and on.
So you've got these cultures thriving
in what to them is a
veritable Garden of Eden,
and these cultures get to talking.
And they realize their
best chance of survival
is that if they ban together.
Since the casserole dish
provides the easiest access,
everyone starts making their way down
for the assimilation process.
And it works, Frank.
They form a single entity.
But it lacks direction and starts growing
in every which way possible 'cause
it doesn't have a prototype.
Then you put your finger in it,
providing the necessary inspiration.
Yes, the world is an oyster, Frank.
A giant, contaminated oyster.
- So what do you want?
- I want rotten food, Frank.
So go to the market after work
and buy up everything
past its expiration date.
Do this for me and you'll
have a friend for life.
(knocking)
- Uh, there's somebody at the door.
Can I answer it?
- Well, you don't expect me to, do you?
(knocking)
- I guess not.
- Hey!
You live in a barn?
- [Frank] What?
- Close the door.
- [Frank] Oh, sorry.
- It's all right.
(knocking)
- That's my cleaning bill.
You could just add it to the rent check.
- Thought you were gonna have me evicted.
- [Pinkus] What I do isn't...
(door slamming)
- Don't get evicted, Frank.
Is this guy gonna be a problem?
- No, no, he's harmless.
I can handle him.
I was just wondering,
can you come out of there at all?
I mean, you don't have any legs.
- This refrigerator is
my life force, Frank.
Think of it as a permanent womb.
It must never be turned off.
Never!
- Well, what if I have
to defrost the freezer?
- I'll take care of it.
- Great, I hate that job.
- Go take a shower, Frank.
You look terrible.
- Uh, just one more question.
- Hmm?
- Do you have a name?
- Call me Junior.
- Junior?
- Why I think it's appropriate, don't you?
- If you say so.
- It's okay, leave it open for a bit.
I want to air the place out.
(fridge rattling)
Don't you ever knock?
- Not on my refrigerator.
Where'd you get that?
- In the crisper with the
fruits and vegetables.
We're gonna have to lay down
some ground rules, Frank.
I value my privacy.
- Does this mean you're
interested in women?
- Of course not.
I was just in the middle of a real great
story on peat moss.
- Right, whatever.
Listen, speaking of women,
I have one comin' over for dinner tonight.
- Does she have a friend?
- Look, this means a lot to me.
I've been tryin' to get a
date with her for months
and today she invited herself over,
so everything has to be perfect.
- Don't worry, Frank.
I won't cramp your style.
You won't even know I'm here.
Did you get the food?
- Yeah.
Uh, they didn't have much of a selection,
but I managed to pick up a few things.
Let's see, I found some sour milk.
- [Junior] Oh.
- And this bread's about 10 days old.
- Oh, great.
- Uh, and I got some steaks
with green splotches all over them.
The butcher was gonna throw them out.
- Excellent.
- Also a dozen rotten eggs.
Now, I'm gonna keep my
food in the door shelf.
Will that be okay?
- 12-year-old scotch?
Bless you, Frank.
- Do you mind?
It's for my date tonight.
- You don't serve scotch with a meal.
- I know, she's bringing wine.
- [Junior] So what are
you making for supper?
- Ah, beef stew.
- Oh, try and save some leftovers for me.
That stuff goes bad really fast.
- Do I have any onions, Junior?
Thanks.
Do I have any green peppers in there?
- Yeah, but they look more
suited to my taste than yours.
- Oh, damn.
- Don't sweat it, Frank.
Here, try these.
- I already have potatoes.
- Use the peels.
They make a great substitute.
- Are you sure?
- Trust me, Frank.
Food is my life.
Besides, I'd never do anything
to jeopardize your health.
Unless you force me to.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Just kidding.
After adding in all the ingredients,
sprinkle in some garlic salt
and let simmer over a low
heat for about an hour,
stirring occasionally.
- For someone who eats tainted food,
you sure know a lot about
the fine art of cooking.
- I guess you can say it's in my blood.
So what's the plan for tonight?
- I don't have a plan.
You got any suggestions?
- Compliment her on some
aspect of her appearance.
You know, hair, clothes, perfume.
Stuff like that.
- Then what?
- Improvise, Frank.
- So Pauline, I really love what you've
done to your hair.
How do you get it to stand up like that?
A special conditioner or?
- Horse manure.
Look, I don't want to talk
while I'm eating, okay?
- Oh, sorry.
- You got more bread?
- Yeah, let me get it for you.
- Wouldn't have it any other way.
(clanging)
- There was a fly on the wall.
(sighing)
- We need more wine.
I'll get it.
- No!
I mean, you're my guest and I'm your host,
so I should be the one to get it, right?
Just like the bread.
- [Pauline] Well hurry up.
(knocking)
- I'll just be a second.
Now what?
I left the rent check under the doormat.
Didn't you see it when you crawled
out of your hole?
- Yes, well that's not good enough.
This place still smells like a barn.
- [Frank] No, that's Pauline.
- [Pinkus] I don't give a damn what it is.
I was willing to give you one more chance.
(kiss smacking)
- Your wine, madam.
- Pauline, I can ex...
(punch smacking)
- What'd you do to her?
- Nothing, I just gave her the wine.
- [Frank] You gave her the wine?
- I was only trying to help.
Besides, she wasn't for you, Frank.
She was only using you to get a free meal.
And on top of that, she
wasn't even a good kisser.
- You kissed her?
- [Junior] Okay, I admit
that probably was a mistake,
but what else was I supposed to do?
I told you to keep an eye on her.
- Why didn't you freeze like a statue?
I could've said you were a sculpture
I was working on.
- I'm sorry, it was an impulsive reaction.
I lost control.
- Oh really?
What about when we were eating
and you started making faces
or waving that stupid book at me.
I almost had a heart attack.
- Well that was the whole point.
You were so tense.
I was just tryin' to
loosen things up a little.
Give you some incentive.
- Oh, terrific.
Just what I needed.
- [Junior] What's going on?
- Nothing, it's just a power failure.
Happens all the time.
I'll get some candles.
- [Junior] Well, do something, Frank.
- [Frank] I'm trying to.
Just relax.
- [Junior] Well how long will it be
before there's power again?
- [Frank] Usually not
more than an hour or two.
- [Junior] Oh, that's no good, Frank.
I need it now!
- Will you calm down?
Look, I'll close the fridge door to keep
the cold in and you'll be fine.
- You don't understand.
In 10 minutes my body
will start changing color.
In half an hour I'll start decomposing.
In an hour I'll be a pile of
slop on your kitchen floor.
You gotta help me, Frank.
Please, I'm dying!
- [Frank] What do you want me to do?
- I need ice.
Lots of it.
As much as you can carry.
- Okay, there's a gas station a couple
of blocks from here.
I won't be long.
Just hang on, Junior.
I'm not gonna let you die.
I promise.
(crying)
Junior?
- Pack the ice in.
Surround me with it.
Hurry, Frank.
Now close the door.
I'll knock when it's safe to open again.
Thanks for helping me, Frank.
If I pull through this,
I'm gonna make it up to you.
- Forget it, Junior.
You don't owe me anything.
(knocking)
Junior!
- Hiya, Frank.
Don't you just love
the smell of Freon gas?
- Should I go out for food?
- No, don't bother.
Most of your stuff thawed out.
- Listen, I've been thinking.
Maybe I should hook up a generator
in case this ever happens again.
I mean, what if there's
another power failure
while I'm at work one day?
- I'm really touched by your
commitment to me, Frank.
I don't care what that
jerk of a landlord says.
You're the best.
I love you, Frank.
- Junior.
- No, I really mean it.
I'd do anything for you.
Anything.
(knocking)
(camera clicking)
Say hello to your worst nightmare.
Is it alive or is it Memorex?
(camera clicking)
(groaning)
I think he got my bad side.
- What happened?
- He came in here snooping around.
- You killed him.
- Well, if you want to
get technical about it,
I was right in the middle of strangling
the guy when he has a heart
attack and turns blue.
And I know how that's like.
I was blue once.
- I don't believe this.
We could go to jail.
Or at least I'll go to jail.
You'll probably end up being dissected
in a biology lab.
- [Junior] I think you're
overreacting, Frank.
- Of course I'm overreacting.
You murdered a man!
- Will you just calm down and listen to me
for a second?
He died of a heart attack.
That's death by natural causes.
No one will suspect a thing.
You can place the body in the hallway
to avoid questions being asked.
- I couldn't live with
it on my conscience.
- Are you kidding me?
The guy was scum.
He was gonna have you evicted.
Do you honestly think he had a guilty
conscious or lost any sleep over it?
- Of course not.
That still doesn't justify killing him!
- You want justification?
Meet John-Paul Sartre.
- Who's he?
A pope?
- He was an existentialist, Frank.
He believed man is responsible
for his own actions and free to choose
his own destiny.
Pinkus was an agitator,
always sticking his nose into
other people's business.
Nobody forced him to be the way he was.
He brought it on himself.
He deserved what he got.
(spitting)
Why don't you invite that leach
over for dinner again, Frank?
- Pauline?
- Yeah, Pauline.
Now there's a bloodsucker who takes
people for granted.
She needs to be taught a lesson.
We'll cook her up something real special.
- I don't know, Junior.
- Do it, Frank.
- Look, she's--
- I said do it!
- Okay, okay, you're right, Junior.
I'm sorry.
- It's time you stop taking crap from
the dregs of society, Frank.
Maggots will squirm all over you
if you let them.
But you're weak.
I could tell just by the way you
bent over backwards to appease Pauline.
What do you think you're doing, Frank?
- Nothing.
I was just gonna hook up the generator.
- You're a liar and a coward.
Here I am trying to
enhance your self-esteem
and you don't even appreciate it.
Well, I've decided you're no longer
worth the trouble, Frank.
Besides, there are a lot
of other fish in the sea.
Goodbye, Frank.
(grunting)
(camera clicking)
(grunting)
Get the generator, Frank.
Please.
I'm sorry, Frank.
Connect the generator!
Frank! No, Frank, Frank!
You've gotta help me!
Please!
I'm dying, Frank!
Please, Frank!
Frank, no!
Frank, I love you!
Frank!
Frank, no!
(banging)
- Apparently Mr. Pinkus has had
a history of heart trouble.
What do you suppose he was
doing in your apartment?
- Ah, repairing the refrigerator, I guess.
- Oh, looks like he was trying to move it.
Physical exertion probably
brought on the attack.
Some people never learn, huh?
- Do you need me to come
down to the hospital, or?
- Nah.
It's basically a routine death.
Family's been notified.
I'll be in touch if there's anything else.
Have a nice day.
(sighing)
(liquid gurgling)
- That was an excellent beef stew, Frank.
Is it an old family recipe?
- [Frank] Sort of.
- So do you cook for people often?
Friends or?
- You mean women.
- Whatever.
- Only recently.
- Here, let me help you.
- Thanks.
Oh, don't bother with that.
Just throw it all out.
- [Woman] But don't you
want to keep the leftovers?
- No.
They'll only go bad.
- Sure, Frank.
(ominous synth music)
- [Narrator] Some relationships
are easily forgotten.
Others take a long time to get over.
Especially affairs of the heart.
They can start out simply,
and then turn incredibly complex.
When a relationship has more parts to it
than you first thought,
the impact on you can
be very powerful indeed.
(steam hissing)
(doors banging)
(suspenseful synth music)
- Uh, I'm not quite sure about this one.
- Ah, yes well, more than one response
can be acceptable to you,
but there's probably one
that would please you most.
Choose that one.
Don't think too long about it.
That's it, I guess.
- Good.
The computer's searching our database to
find your perfect match.
Don't worry, here at
Perfect Match, Incorporated
we've helped thousands of people like you.
We'll find exactly who you're looking for.
Ah, here comes his name and file number.
I'll get his picture from our files.
- So, how'd it go at the dating service?
- Oh, I don't know.
What do you think?
- This is what they have on file?
- [Susan] Basically yeah.
This is supposed to be my ideal man.
- Ooh, and mine and about
every other woman's everywhere.
- Well I paid for him, so he's mine.
- Has he got a brother?
A cousin?
- Pam.
- All right, I'll even
take a distant relative.
- No.
- So when's the first encounter?
- Next Saturday, 7:00pm, at Studebakers.
And you're not invited.
- Susan, wait.
Damn.
(dramatic music)
(clock ticking)
(sighing)
- Hello, Susan.
I'm Chris Walker.
- Hi, I'm Susan Hill.
I'm sorry, I guess you know that already.
- May I sit down?
- Yes, please.
I'm sorry, I'm just a little nervous.
- Me, too.
I hope you like this place.
- Yes, very much.
It's beautiful.
- Hello, would you care
for some aperitives?
- What will it be, Susan?
A Dubbonet red?
- Yes, please.
- A Dubbonet red and a
bourbon on the rocks, please.
- How did you know I like Dubbonet?
- It's not a mystery.
- Oh, of course.
They must've told you
lots of things about me.
- Yeah, a few things.
You work for a clothing manufacturer.
You like antiques and you love to travel.
What did they tell you about me?
- Well, that you work for a
management consulting company,
you're well read, you like hiking.
And you're supposed to
be my perfect match.
- Well, here's to a perfect match.
- To a perfect match.
Um, I'm curious.
How did someone like you end up
at a dating agency?
- Probably for the same reasons you did.
Demanding job, not much spare time.
You know.
- Yeah, I know.
So, you like to travel?
- Yeah, well I haven't traveled much,
but I'd like to.
I've always wanted to
go to Europe and Japan.
- [Pam] What took you so long?
I've hardly slept all weekend.
- What are you talking about?
- Oh no you don't.
Would you deny your best friend
a teeny weeny, small share of your date?
- Pam, I have work to do.
- Oh, come on, Susan.
- If I don't get these
files out right away,
we'll get our stock late.
This is how we get our
daily bread, remember?
And our coffee.
- Uh-uh, no story, no coffee.
You'll have to put through your orders
bleary-eyed and caffeine free.
You'll have to run on your own energy.
No stimulants, just
plain, dull, tired you.
- Okay, what do you want to know?
(laughing)
It was wonderful.
And he's everything I ever wanted.
Impeccable manners.
You know, the kind who knows when to push
and when to lay off.
He was so knowledgeable.
I mean, he knows so much
about so many things.
Never have to spoon-feed
him into a conversation.
He was attentive.
He never missed a detail.
I felt very special.
- Wow, the guy's a hit.
He sounds too good to be true.
Did you, you know, did you do it?
- Come on, Pam.
Nobody does it the first night anymore.
Besides, I want to take
this one nice and easy.
I want a little romance in my life.
- Come off it, Susan.
With your looks?
- That's just it.
Don't you feel like
you're always on display?
Like you're part of the merchandise?
And then when it's over.
- Frankly, I wish I had your problem.
- Yeah, well, I'm tired of
those losers in the bars.
Anyway, how did your evening go?
- The usual.
Frank was in one of his better moods.
He knocked the cap off the guy sitting
in front of us at the ballgame.
But everyone was in
one piece when we left.
- Why do you put up with him?
- I don't know.
There's something cute about him.
I just love it when he kicks the car door
when he's locked the keys in,
or when he brings me a bag of fresh garlic
on our way out for a date.
- Whatever works for you, I guess.
- So when's the next visit to paradise?
And when do I get to meet Mr. Perfect?
- Well, the ball's in his court now.
So you'll have to wait.
- Aw.
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
Oh hi, how's it going?
Yeah, no, no I don't
have any plans for lunch.
Ah, sure.
Yeah, that'd be great.
That'll be fine.
No, I can meet you there, I'm...
Yeah, okay, great.
Okay, buh-bye.
(soft instrumental music)
Am I too polite?
I don't think he would've
done any different.
- No, we're both very polite.
So how's work going?
- Oh, not bad for a Monday.
You know, same old grind.
But I am looking forward to the weekend.
- Why?
- There's this big flea
market out on Hudson.
And they usually have
these old stained glass
windows for sale,
and I've been looking for
a couple for my apartment.
- Why not make your own?
- Pardon me?
- It's not as complicated
as it used to be.
Before the 16th century,
pieces of glass with
uneven surfaces were used.
They were held together with lead stripes.
That's how we got those
mosaics in the cathedrals.
Jeweled reflections of light.
Now we have larger pieces
and smoother glass.
Today it's much easier,
even if it doesn't look as good.
- You amaze me.
How do you know all this stuff?
- I've just got a head
for trivia, I guess.
- Listen, how would you like
to meet a friend of mine?
- Now?
- No, no, no, after lunch.
- Are we expected?
- No, I thought we'd surprise her.
- I don't think so.
- Oh look, she'd really love to meet you.
- Maybe another time.
- It won't take long.
My office is just a few minutes away.
- Today just isn't a good day.
We'll do it another time, I promise.
You say when and where.
I'd really rather be
alone with you right now.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to be pushy.
- So when is this flea market?
- Well, it's next Saturday.
It starts at about 10 and
then it goes till around five.
- Hey, Susan?
Susan, hang on a second.
I want to show you something.
Well?
- What's this?
- It's part of our new line.
What do you think?
- It's beautiful.
- Well, you're in a good mood today.
Must've been some lunch.
- As a matter of fact,
it was perfect.
- Oh yeah?
- Never mind.
Listen, would you and Frank mind
if Chris and I joined you bowling Friday?
- Oh, great.
Bob and Donna canceled,
so it'll be just us.
- Great, that suits me.
- Perfect.
Ta-ta, have fun.
(dramatic music)
(soft synth music)
(knocking)
- Who is it?
- [Chris] It's Chris.
- Hi, is it seven o'clock already?
Good grief.
- Am I too early?
I thought you said seven.
- No, I did say seven,
but I guess I dozed off.
I just laid down for a few minutes.
Look, Chris, would you really mind
if we didn't go tonight?
I'm really tired.
- I've been looking forward
to meeting your friends.
- We can meet them any time.
- Won't they be wondering
what happened to us?
- I could call them.
- I've been looking
forward to this all day.
- Okay, okay, we'll go.
- Is there any stuff you'd
like me to take down?
- Uh, yeah, me.
- No problem.
- No, don't!
I can't go like this.
I'll be right back.
(suspenseful synth music)
- So, you ready?
- Okay.
(pins clattering)
- Try that one.
- No, I don't want that one.
- Look at your fingers.
They're too small.
- Hi.
- Hi, Frank and Sue.
This is Chris.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- And that's Frank.
- Hey, how are ya?
- He's gorgeous, what a hunk.
Ah!
- Good, good.
Okay, let's bowl.
- Yeah, bowl.
I still want that ball.
- No, it's mine.
Go, go, go, go, go.
Yes!
(pins clattering)
- Yes, yes, yes!
(pins clattering)
Woo!
- Hey, hey!
Ah!
- I got the whole thing all by myself.
- Good shootin'.
- Yeah.
(suspenseful synth music)
(pins clattering)
- You didn't tell me you were a pro.
- I'm not.
- Do you think you could leave a few pins
standing every now and then?
- But you're supposed to
knock down all the pins.
- Chris, Frank is getting frustrated.
- I don't see the point.
But if you want me to, okay.
Which pins do you want left standing?
- Don't get funny.
Just don't be so perfect all the time.
- Go, go, go!
(pins clattering)
Yes!
- That was quite a performance you put on
at the bowling alley.
- I did take a few lessons from a pro.
- That's not what I'm talking about.
But I don't mean to criticize,
but do you have to do
everything so perfectly?
- I can't help it.
- Okay, okay.
Can you pass me the tomato sauce?
- What's the matter?
- I'm not sure.
My arm hurts.
Probably pulled a muscle bowling.
- So you're not that perfect after all.
- No, I guess I'm not.
(laughing)
- [Susan] I've tried all
kinds of exotic cooking,
but I'm not very good at any of it.
- [Chris] I'm sure that's not true.
- How would you know?
You've never tried my cooking.
- I'm about to.
- Pizza doesn't count.
- True, but you like oriental cooking.
Have a strong liking for Italian.
But right now you'd like to
check out Shaker cooking.
- How did you know all that?
- You'd be surprised at what I know.
- Oh, so what kind of books do I like?
- Mysteries, adventure,
anything to do with world travel.
Factual accounts of programs
for developing countries.
History.
- Actually my preference isn't really
for books at all, but--
- National Geographic Magazine.
- But more than that I prefer--
- Films, especially old films.
- And?
- Museums, all kinds of museums.
- Stop it!
Stop it!
Is there nothing left
to discover about me?
- It seems to me we're very compatible.
That's what you wanted, isn't it?
- Yes, of course.
You're everything I wanted.
I just, I can't surprise
you with anything.
It's not fair.
They told you so much more about me
than they told me about you.
Oh, look Chris, I'm sorry.
I'm just tired.
- It's okay.
- Would you mind putting the
pizza in the oven for me?
(dramatic music)
Chris, what are you doing?
I can't believe you just did that.
Let me see your hand.
- I can't believe it, either.
I do feel kind of stupid.
Don't worry, it's just a little burn.
- That must really hurt.
Look, I have some stuff
in the medicine cabinet.
We'll go fix it up.
- Look, it's getting late
anyways and you're tired.
I'll take care of it myself.
- Don't be ridiculous.
Let me see it.
- I'll be fine, really.
I'll call you tomorrow.
- Oh!
- Did you know that the cactus is one
of the hardiest forms
of plant life on earth?
It thrives in arid and desolate climates,
while other plants just wither and die.
- That's fascinating.
- I think so, too.
They've adapted amazingly well.
In fact--
- Chris, what are we doing here?
- Well, you're interested
in seeing other countries,
so I thought you'd like
to see some vegetation
found in semi-arid climates.
- Oh, I like plants, but you know,
I'm really more interested in seeing--
- Floral displays!
That's what it was.
Sorry.
Well, don't worry.
In the next hall there's
a display of orchids.
They're very beautiful.
You'll like them.
We'll go and see them as soon as we finish
seeing this area.
- Chris, it's people I'm interested in.
Not cactus and flowers.
- The floral display's just up ahead.
- Chris, I don't want to look at flowers.
Look, instead of staying here and seeing
the rest of these displays,
why don't we go the Museum of Fine Arts?
They've got a great Japanese exhibit there
with painting and sculpture.
- I don't think so.
We'll go and see the flower display now.
- Why not go to the fine arts museum?
- Because this is what we planned to do.
- No, this is what you planned to do.
- You're not happy.
- No, I'm not.
- I'll tell you what,
we'll plan to go to the
fine arts museum next week.
- Plan, plan, that's all I ever hear.
Don't you ever do anything
on the spur of the moment?
Why can't you ever be spontaneous?
- I don't know.
Susan, I'm sorry.
I really thought you'd like this.
- Just take me home.
- Is that what you really want?
- No, but it's probably
the best I'm gonna get.
- Okay, Susan, that's it for me.
I'm home gone, I'll catch ya tomorrow.
- Pam, can you wait a minute.
I really have to talk to you.
- Sure, what's up?
- Uh, it's Chris.
He's really bothering me.
He's acting very strange.
- Like what?
- Well, like whenever I talk to him.
Before I can say anything,
he completes my phrases.
There's nothing I can surprise him with.
- What's wrong with that?
Would you prefer some guy who never knew
what you were talking about?
- No, it's just that there's
never any discussion.
There's never any room for disagreement.
You know what I'm talking about?
- No.
- Look, whenever I suggest something,
he always agrees.
- So?
- So the only time he doesn't go along
is when I change my mind about something.
If it hasn't been planned, he won't do it.
Nothing is spontaneous.
And talk about cold.
I don't think he has an
emotional bone in his body.
Let me tell you, for all his faults,
Frank at least isn't
afraid to show emotion.
(chuckles)
- Have you talked to Chris about this?
- No.
No, I can't say that I have.
- Well, why don't you?
And by the way, you've
smudged your makeup.
- Again?
Thank you.
You know, sometimes when I talk to him,
it's like I'm talking into a mirror.
He's like a reflection of me.
- You know, I think you should have this
out with him right now.
Call him, be spontaneous.
Maybe that'll give him a
chance to be spontaneous, too.
- You really think so?
- Yeah, I know so.
- Okay, maybe you're right.
(suspenseful music)
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
- Hi, Chris, it's Susan.
Listen, can I come over right now?
I really have to talk to you.
- [Chris] This isn't a good time.
- Chris, this is really important.
- It's not convenient now.
Can we talk tomorrow?
- I know it's not convenient,
but I really have to talk to you now.
- All right, but can
we talk at your place?
My place is a mess.
- Okay, I guess that's
better than nothing.
I'll see you in a few minutes.
Chris, are you okay?
- Yes, I'm okay.
- Okay, I'll see you then, buh-bye.
(suspenseful music)
(wire cutters snapping)
What's the matter with your arm?
- It still hurts from bowling.
Don't worry, it's nothing serious.
I'm just giving it a rest.
- I know you weren't expecting this,
but I have to talk to you.
- I don't mind.
- Chris, there are a few things that are
really bothering me.
Do you know what I'm talking about?
- No.
- Well, for starters I know that you were
given a file about me,
but I was given one on you, too.
Now how do you know so much more about me
than I know about you?
Every time I start to stay something,
it seems like you know what's coming next.
How do you do that?
- I don't know.
- Well, for once you don't know something.
I guess that's a bit of a progress anyway.
And every time I suggest something
different from what we planned,
you never want to try it.
- I don't know.
- Are you making fun of me now?
- [Chris] I don't know.
- Your hand, how come
there's no burn on it?
- I don't know.
- Chris, what's the matter with you?
- I don't know.
I, I...
(screaming)
I don't know.
I don't, I don't.
(screaming)
(dramatic music)
- [Narrator] Yes, relationships
are odd things.
Unpredictable, but essential.
They take our lives,
twisting and turning them,
wrenching them from our control.
There are no guarantees.
Promises are made
and trust is given.
Hope grows.
And sometimes it gets crushed.
(dramatic music)
Relationships.
They're a long, strange ride.
(dramatic music)