Wynonna Earp: Vengeance (2024) Movie Script
1
# Tubi, Tubi #
Did someone order the spicy tuna?
Mercedes, how many
times I gotta tell ya?
Hush, you'll scare the trout.
As long as you're not tellin'
anybody that we're hangin' out,
Randy, what choice do I have?
When it comes to Purgatory
friendships, it's, uh...
Slim pickins at the fishing hut.
A jiggler? What is
this? Trawling for noobs?
# Uh, uh, um #
Shortbread martini?
Did you add my nutmeg twist?
Please.
Okay, they're bitin'.
Oh, they're really biting.
What did you do, bait
the lines with crack?
Sheesh, boys, buy me dinner first.
Do you think we could
make it to the cars?
Gotta hoof it.
Good thing I always dress for cardio.
Nedley!
Sheriff Nedley!
Randy?
Maybe a little. Hell was cold and dark
and I've been on my own for years.
Look, Lock Mess, I don't
know what you are...
Ah!
Not here for you. Argh!
But just to be sure,
this is the Ghost River Triangle
where bad things happen to good people?
Hey, bad thing,
get away from her.
Sure, Grandpa.
Though, isn't she a
little bit young for you?
Not that young.
Way to kick a girl when she's down.
She's the second-best angler I know.
And she's my friend.
Look, I'm not picky.
I only need one of you
to bring me the heir.
The Earp heir? Wynonna...
Hey, snow snatch!
Not him.
You want Earp?
I've been her ride or
die since high school.
But guess what?
Wynonna doesn't live here anymore.
Oh, I know.
But she'll be back.
Once I bait the hook.
Eenie, meenie, miney...
... hoe.
Not the face. It's been through so much.
And I wish I could see
the look on yours when Wynonna Earp
kicks your icy ass!
No!
Gentlemen.
Which one of you's
gonna flush my backdoor?
Ow! I didn't even get to cheat yet!
Argh!
You hit like a girl.
Hard and with perfect form.
What kind of idiot thinks she can scam
Paco Daisy in his own casino?
The kind that doesn't carry an I.D.
Though, you are one chips and guac
away from a free chalupa.
You asshole. That's na-chos to take.
Hey,
what's with the Wyatt Earp swag?
Oh, right, famous lawman.
Old West shootout and the OK Corral
right here in Tombstone? Guys...
He's a big deal around these parts!
White folks do love
their violent heroes.
When they're feeling patriotic,
they spend more at the buffet.
Wyatt Earp.
Just another apocryphal colonizer
who got a revisionist
history thanks to his big gun.
Hey, I apologize, Chayton.
I assumed you were just muscle.
Got my PhD at Brown.
19th century Americana.
Your big words are being wasted here.
You wanna chat?
Chayton.
Sorry, boss.
Okay. Oh!
Okay.
Admit that one hurt. That one smart.
Can't take a beating like when I was 27.
Might as well give it up, girlie.
Your partner already spilled.
Partner?
Doc! What have they done to you?
Turned me into a video game.
When this is over, I promise you
mouth to south resuscitation.
Oh, you really don't
want this to be over.
What was your angle here, hmm?
Grease my dealer?
Have moustache boy count cards?
I'm awfully flattered
to be addressed as boy,
considering my advanced age.
Get this, blue eyes
thinks he's Doc Holliday.
Wyatt Earp's buddy?
You know, I don't love your tone.
Oh.
Doc Holliday,
the greatest gunslinger who ever lived?
Top 20 for sure.
I beg your pardon.
I would have gotten away
with robbing you fools blind
if Wynonna could learn to bluff.
Well, at least I'm not a weapon.
Hey.
Ah, ah, ah!
It was in her Spanx.
Go start digging the hole.
Okay don't-don't cheese your beans.
Peacemaker only kills demons.
Lights up when you point it at one.
Well, lights up for me.
And me.
You cheatin' hussy.
What?
I think I found the boss' tell.
Paco is a demon.
We're never gonna get that chalupa.
Stop by the caf, Sheriff.
We just put a fresh pot on for you.
What, both of you?
Just when I needed it.
Thank you, Chrissy.
- Hi, Natalie.
- Hi.
Go Blue Devils!
- Hey, Nicole, lookin' good.
- Hey, Kyle, back at ya.
How's your brother?
- I got those tulips you ordered, Sheriff.
- Oh, Freddie. Thank you so much.
I will be by the shop later, okay?
Well, well, well.
Ma'am, you, uh, you can't park here.
I'm waiting for my wife.
She's like a big deal in this town.
You trying to nepo baby
your way out of a $30 ticket?
- Also hoping to get frisked.
- Oh, really?
Mrs. Waverly Earp.
Mrs. Nicole Haught.
Ahem! Public dis-gays of affection?
Kind of unprofessional, don't ya think?
Hi, Bunny.
So girls, uh,
Randy Nedley didn't show up
for samba karate this morning.
- Oh, uh...
- Anyhoo, I gotta fly.
I gotta go ice my dojo.
That Sensei Rick is very thorough.
Bye-bye.
Wow.
I kinda miss when she was
too homophobic to overshare.
So, what are you thinking?
That my mentor, the Sheriff Emeritus,
Mr. Randy Nedley, often has
one too many Beer Tab Blues
while out on his highly
illegal fishing hut,
which I have to pretend I
don't know anything about.
Still, do you fancy a drive to the
edge of the Ghost River Triangle?
Hmm. I thought you'd never ask.
Oh, also, I picked up the mail.
Oh, yay! A new postcard from Wynonna.
Oh, my God.
It's so funny to think about your sister
acting all touristy at the place
where your ancestor made his mark.
Sounds like she's in a good place.
What now, Earp?
Same as always, just have fun out there.
That's right, pork chop,
Wynonna Earp. Crazy chick
with a demon killing gun.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Ha!
Doc!
This was our play.
Get caught so you'd
bring us to the one room
we couldn't breach, your vault.
You Earp slut!
Huh. There's that high tone
'tude they love in hell.
Which is where I'm about to send you.
Ahem. Uh, may I?
I'd rather ya didn't.
Hi.
Hello.
You like that?
It is always a treat watching
you do what you do best.
There's one more thing
I'm pretty good at.
Need I remind you that we
are here to crack a safe?
You need pants for that?
- I do not.
- Okay.
Nedley?
Mercedes?
Sheriff Randy Nedley!
Two whole years runnin' cons
out of the back of a suitcase.
Mm-hmm. But every dollar we steal...
Borrow... brings us one step
closer to getting our own farm.
A place to settle down.
Bring Alice home from
Aunt Gus' place in Montana.
All right, enough math. Let's
hit the blackjack tables.
That also requires math.
Make this wad into a bigger wad.
The way you play, darlin',
which is good and roostered,
our wads only get smaller.
You love me roostered.
I love you. Full stop.
Then why are you being such a wad?
We spent some of this
on things you wanted.
I don't remember
wanting to lose ten grand
at the tables last month.
I'm sorry. I'm... I'm tired.
Boring.
Oh, come on, I didn't...
You're not, I didn't mean...
You're not, you're not, obviously.
I believe I shall take some air.
Come on, stay and take
the Earp heir. Again.
I just need to clear my head.
Will it be hours or days this time?
Don't wait up.
I never do.
Nedley!
Oh, Nedley.
I was too slow. Mercedes.
It's okay. Hey, hey, hey.
You're hurt, but you're alive, okay?
- Wait...
- Stay still.
Waited for you.
I knew you would come.
Okay, shh.
911, what's your emergency?
- I need paramedics on Route 72.
- South of town?
That's right, border of
the Ghost River Triangle.
- We're on our way.
- Okay. Hey! I found Nedley!
Attacked by a bear!
That wasn't a bear.
Baby girl, did you get my postcard?
I think Mercedes is dead.
What do you mean dead?
What do you mean Earp?
Okay.
Okay, come on, cowboy, pick up.
Of course.
Do it the old fashioned way.
Okay.
Here I come.
Oh...
The metal earmuffed hello?
I, I was just hoping for a hug.
- You bring donuts?
- I didn't even bring a bra.
Baby girl. Baby girl's woman.
We weren't expecting you so soon.
I drove the Pacomobile all night.
Welcome home, Wynonna.
Oh, I still use these
ribs on the regular.
My hero. The champion.
Fucking Wynonna is fine.
Whoa!
- So, you moved the kitchen.
- Mm-hmm.
It's smart. Turned my
bedroom into a craft room.
Dumb. But since you're renovating,
- I'd also redo the stairs.
- Oh, shut your mouth!
When did Karen from
planet Hobby Lobby move in?
Is that a homophobic typo?
Oh, that's why we got it free.
Reclaimed phrase, reclaimed wood.
Speaking of reclaimed wood, where's Doc?
Where's all my stuff?
Do you mean your weed?
No.
We donated it to the orphanage.
Oh, those kids are gonna get fucked up.
Look at all this stuff! More BBD gak?
Enough googly eyes to
choke an unlicensed daycare.
And honest-to-fuckin' loom!
Jesus, Haught, you should
be keeping my sister busier.
Oh, we maintain a robust schedule.
Yeah, I see that on your chore wheel.
Hey, it's your turn to
clean the baseboards.
Whatever that means in gay.
Lemme guess, box of condoms?
Bup-bup-bup-bah, bup-bah.
That is the Elchur
Minificial Box of Containment.
Well, I can barely
contain how jazzed I am
that my box has to sleep in the barn.
After Mercedes' wake.
How bad was it?
Uh, let's just say there's
not gonna be an open casket.
- So, demons.
- We don't know that.
Nicole, what was left of Mercedes' bits
was used to spell out our last name.
So, unless some enterprising coyote
has taught themselves how to read,
then we need the Earp heir home.
Even if it's a trap?
Especially if it's a trap.
You both have five minutes
to get funeral fabulous.
- Okay.
- Meet you by the demon limo.
The thing that did this is a-fucked!
What?
I just, I wish you would've talked to me
before you called her.
I don't need my wife's
permission to call my sister.
No, I...
What are you gonna wear?
Gotcha two coffees. With extra coffee.
Truce?
Wynonna uh...
Oh, I will be.
And you misspelled trouble.
Hey, this is mid.
Almost forgot about
the Purgatory side eye.
And Mercedes Gardiner
was more midriff than mid.
She would want this to
be a real panty-dropper.
Mah!
- Ooh! Hi, baby.
- Hi.
- Let's get a drink.
- You mean another drink?
Hey! We spent hours trying
to figure out what did this.
And what flavor Pop Tarts
goes best with the gin.
It's frosted strawberry.
Ladies.
You know what? We had a
lot of catching up to do,
so we caught up with the catch up.
Uh yeah, you do you.
- Be right back.
- Baby!
Is it just me or did your
wife get more uptight?
The town is finally thriving.
She just doesn't want things to like...
Oh, 'cause everybody
- here hates me?
- Not the people that matter.
I did a hell of a lot
for these numpties.
- I kept you safe from de...
- Deez nuts!
Father Bertucci!
My sweet child.
Wynonna...
You piss in one font.
You did the best you could.
Whatever.
I'm here for her.
She died with her boots on.
Those things are hideous.
Even the bear wouldn't touch them.
Throttle down, Jasmine.
Body's not even cold.
Well, the body's in several pieces.
Yeah, know what that tells me?
She fought like fuck.
Mercedes went down swinging.
What a crazy, awesome bitch.
Mercedes thought she was such
hot shit since high school.
Yeah, takes shit to know shit.
- You saying you're shit?
- Don't twist her words!
I wasn't there for much of high school.
Left to major in jello shots and juvie.
Got exiled to the Hanley
Home for Girls, first.
We got up to some wild
there, eh, Wynonna?
I minored in childhood trauma, Sheree.
It's all a bit hazy.
The three of us, and Penny Kessley.
We were kinda mean to you.
It was a long time ago.
Where is Penny?
Probably couldn't get a sitter.
Her kid's dad is being such a tool.
You know, Wynonna's got
a great system for dealing
with bad dads, claim it was demons
and shoot them in the back.
After you.
Now someone's 'bout to
get punched in the front.
Stop.
So, Wynonna's home.
Oh, yeah. She always knew
how to make an entrance.
Oh, you sound jealous.
Oh, come on, she's
wild, I'm mild. It works.
Yeah.
Friendships are like that.
Mercedes could barely
keep up with this rizz.
I-I got your text.
I don't really understand what...
pineapple, pineapple, robot emoji means.
It means I got a broken wing
and I don't text good.
I'm just glad you're okay.
I don't feel okay.
And I don't remember much,
including what the perp looked like,
so don't bother asking me.
You kidding? It's a
miracle you're even upright.
Gave you enough drugs to knock out Iowa.
Huh. Opiates don't work on me anymore.
I passed 17 kidney stones in four years.
It's chilly out.
There's a cold front rolling in.
There's a rum punch,
and they got the game on.
Can't quite bring myself to go in there.
Hey, hey, none of this is your fault.
Twenty years ago, I woulda
gotten to the truck faster,
I woulda had that shotgun
in the hut with me.
Younger me might've saved her.
Yeah well, a younger you
wouldn't have been friends
with the likes of Mercedes.
That counts.
Nicole, Purgatory hasn't lost anyone
for a long time in this way.
I got it covered. All right?
I've been telling everyone
it was an animal attack.
Oh, careful. Careful, Sheriff Haught.
I lied to everybody for 30 years
about what goes on around here.
To keep them safe.
I was scared.
Don't be like me.
Don't confuse protecting
people with deciding for them.
This is just, it's a blip.
Whatever happens next, I can handle it.
Bottle, you numpty!
You better start with
the sinner sisters.
Keep my sister's name
out of your viper mouth.
She went from Pop
Tarts to poppin' tarts.
Okay, that is enough!
I can take the littlest lesbian.
She's bisexual, you muppet.
I actually identify as pansexual now.
Aw, baby girl, your journey.
My God, you stupid Earps!
You both are going home right now.
I'm calling you a cab.
Shotgun!
No way, I get car sick in the back!
Oh, but don't worry,
I'm gonna be up all night
filing a report
about why there was a
battle royale at a wake.
Just as Mercedes would have wanted-ah!
- Wynonna...
- Your mom's mad, dude.
No way. She loves paperwork.
And I love her.
- Mah!
- Okay, out!
Don't worry everybody.
It's uh, it's all uphill from here.
Ahem.
Oh, I'm...
Working after hours.
All by your lonesome.
That's Nedley's lucky bandana.
He certainly was luckier
than, uh... Mercedes.
- Hands up, now!
- Or what?
Or I blow them off your wrists.
I'm the sheriff of Purgatory.
Well, you're a lot more
than that, Nicole Haught.
You're Wynonna Earp's best friend.
Oh!
Ah...
What do you want with Wynonna?
Revenge, payback, the whole Moby Dick.
Oh yeah, you certainly
seem like a dick, all right.
Okay, okay, we can trade quips later.
Right now, I need the first
of three precious things from you.
Number one, your wedding ring.
Over my dead body.
Get out of my head.
Oh...
Ow!
What do you want?
Doesn't anyone listen around here?
Ah!
Your ring and revenge.
Revenge is overrated. I should know.
Doc.
And that's my cue.
Next stop,
Wynonna's teen trauma.
Hugs and kisses to Dawson's Freak.
And that was confusing.
And painful. Ah!
I saw the light on
and I knew the best lawman
that Purgatory's ever known
was burning the midnight candle.
Or fighting a particularly comely demon.
Yeah, well it was either
her or the Earp sisters.
They're also on my shit list. Ow...
So, business as usual.
This one feels personal.
Haven't been that drunk in ages.
It was long overdue.
Like a lot of things.
But these blankets smell like horse.
When's the last time you washed 'em?
I'm pretty sure that's
your old leather jacket.
- More whiskey?
- No, I'm good.
- But you're better bad.
- Hmm. Bad influence.
Nicole will be fine. Ah.
Kinda thought she'd be
more jazzed to see me.
Wynonna Earp,
feeling guilty and turning down hooch.
Doc's got you tamed.
Look, if anything,
Doc thinks I am a lot.
There's no way.
I don't know.
Keeps disappearing for hours at a time.
I mean, we're still the
best. We're still the best
- when we're fighting or fucking.
- Roger that.
But when we have to
stop running and talk,
it's just never been our strong suit.
We're saving up to buy a place.
Alice is five now.
A little kid who could use a mom.
But she has one, Aunt Gus.
You deserve to be happy, Wynonna.
I am happy knowing my daughter is safe.
I can't even keep my baby
sister from getting jumped
by some group home skanks. How
would Doc and I protect a kid?
With your whole heart.
You have to tell your
person how you feel.
You first.
What? What's that supposed to mean?
You've been working police dispatch.
Yes.
And Chrissy's coffee bar.
Volunteering at the old folks' home.
With the occasional
shift at the Cat Caf.
Though tending pussy's more of a hobby.
Don't change the subject with
a hilarious off color joke.
That's my move.
You've also developed a
crippling craft addiction
that has robbed me of a bedroom.
Now who's running in place?
What else am I supposed
to do around here?
Literally anything you want.
Jeremy has been calling.
He wants me to join him overseas.
Restructure the Black Badge Division.
That's your future
right there, baby girl.
I... I can't leave Nicole.
Leaving doesn't mean forever.
I'm puddin' proof of that, baby.
Nicole's no stranger to ambition,
and she's not selfish.
Gingerdread can take care of herself.
Little help?
- She took your ring?
- Your wedding ring?
Baby, it's just a broken finger.
She broke your finger?
I love that finger.
You're gonna have to get
creative with your sex lives.
Park their melting moments for a spell.
Switch to toes for a few weeks.
It's not the primary digit for that.
Digit get a look at this asshole?
Big blonde mane, fit. Tentacle powers.
- She is hard to miss.
- But you did miss.
No, I aimed true.
My bullets did nothing.
- So, a demon.
- A demon who would've killed me
- if Doc hadn't have shown up.
- It is the ideal finger
- to lose if you had to choose.
- I did not get to choose.
Well, it sounds like
Octobussy will be easy to find.
Most people think the
pinky finger is superfluous.
But you need it. Yep, for balance.
Sounds wrong to say
this exactly right now,
but I've missed this.
The batshittery of our lives.
The batshittery of you girls.
Now it feels less like a reunion
and more like a reboot.
Well, I'd like to reboot
this demon and her cooch.
She's gathering items. My
ring was just the first.
She said she needs
three precious things.
Wynonna, she called you Dawson's Freak.
What did you say?
And I did manage to
swipe this off her wrist.
It's a friendship bracelet
with Waverly's name on it.
My name but not my bracelet.
When I was six years
old, I... I made it.
For me.
Hang on. I got it.
Not you, Henry. We're talkin'.
Oh, Jerusalem's crickets.
It was 20 years ago. The
day I lost this bracelet.
I was 15 years old living
in a shitty group home,
Hanly's Wayward Girls.
I was so determined to show them.
Them who?
The other Dawson's Freaks.
That's what we called ourselves.
Holy shit.
Seriously, Wynonna,
this place is even
creepier than I imagined.
No wonder you're so fucking weird.
Stop pooping in your low rise jeans.
If you're that scared, we can jet.
I'm bored and I'm cold.
I thought we'd at least do
it inside the murder house.
It's not a murder house,
it's a murder home.
Cute.
Wyatt Earp took this lasso
from the old west sheriff
who put a curse on
him, the demon Clootie.
My clootie is itchy.
And ammolite is the hell mineral.
Bedrock surrounding the
homestead is loaded with it.
- This is a load all right.
- Look, Penny, Jasmine, Sheree,
you all wanted me to prove it.
But this land, my family,
the curse, that is all real.
All right. Keep your tampon in.
It has to be now.
Today's the only day we can do it.
- Thursday?
- Time of the hunger moon.
That's so not a thing.
The Blackfoot call it Ka'toyi.
When the veil between Earth and
the underworld is at its thinnest.
And all your energy turns to survival.
Sure, Wynonna.
So, is this really
where you shot your dad?
I was aiming for the
ghouls who grabbed him.
But yeah.
You actually believe
demons did it, don't you?
They've been coming for me
and my own my whole life.
Revenis ad se ostendendum invocamus.
In nomine Clootie. In nomine Earp.
It's the cops. We gotta bail.
Wait, my bracelet. My
baby sister made me that!
- Who cares? We're busted.
- Okay, come out
of there with your hands up.
You're all under arrest for trespassing.
And that was it for
me from there on out.
It was all mental institutions
and juvie 'til I turned 18.
Now it turns out that
wasn't my only fuck up.
We must have conjured
up a demon after all.
But okay, what's it
doing here 20 years later?
The hunger moon is in two days.
We've got everything this
demon wants right here.
- On the homestead?
- Of course not.
Demons can't get past
the ammolite bedrock.
Yeah, well, guess what?
This bitch doesn't play by the rules.
She wants some second magical item.
Baby brainy girl can figure out what it is.
It's gonna be somewhere in Purgatory.
No, no, no, you're not
gonna use my town as bait.
- Or my wife.
- Why?
'Cause you're the only
one who gets to keep
- Waverly on the hook?
- What's that supposed to mean?
Despite bad circumstances, I'm
simply delighted to see you.
- Hmm.
- And your new hairdo is so fetching.
That is for whoring, and gambling,
and leaving Wynonna alone at night.
Most evenings I simply walk.
I do some birdwatching.
But you must see the fresh
fire in Wynonna's eyes
in the face of all this.
Two years ago, she ran away
with me expecting a circus.
So, I must feign to let
the tiger out now and then.
The woman I love is...
she's addicted to calamity.
She does get easily bored.
Yeah, well, the last thing
that I want is Wynonna Earp
to get bored of me.
But you've changed.
Change is natural.
So, why should it feel like a betrayal?
Is that Megan Thee Stallion?
She's so good.
You know, the first time I pressed play
I was expecting something different.
Well, anxiety aside, it must be tiring.
I will never tire
loving the wildest stallion of them all.
Mustang. Stallions are boys.
Waverly Earp, are you attempting
to school me on the ponies?
I mean,
even though he's been dead
to the world for centuries,
you still have to play Doc Holliday
instead of just being Henry.
You could try not being a dick.
But I wouldn't bet on it.
Can't protect this place or Waverly
by making them smaller.
Well, I mean, you
can't just show up here
and destroy everything we've built
because you seanced a little
too hard when you were 15.
If you really wanted
to secure Purgatory,
you'd tell them we're
under demon attack.
I'm not gonna tell a bunch
of people to stop living
their lives just 'cause I can't
keep some fentanyl creeping in.
Am I the fentanyl in this scenario?
At least fentanyl takes away your pain.
Wynonna, I would literally kill for you,
but the chaos that you bring.
Waverly could use a little chaos
if it means a chance
to spread her wings.
She needs more than hot sex and crochet.
Lately, she can hardly
hold back her more,
especially when she is stressed out.
I mean, and nothing stresses her out
- more than her big sister.
- Wasted potential?
You should have a little more
faith in me and your wife.
God forbid Wynonna Earp
doesn't get what she wants.
Yeah, I'd like for you to pull
that judgment stick outta your a...
Ladies, we have company.
Not this guac of shit.
Did you bring me my points card?
- I ate your chalupa.
- May I introduce...
- Agent Lafferty.
- Agent?
I was undercover at the Daisy Casino
trying to bag the big boss
when you and Wynonna...
Though I'm not sure how you got
the drop on Paco, given he was a...
- Asshole?
- A demon.
I mean, that seemed pretty far-fetched.
You know what? You can drop
the act. I'm one of you.
Black Badge.
It's a cross-border task force
that investigates the paranormal.
- Yeah.
- Chief Chetri recruited me
after he heard I encountered
your work in Tombstone.
Wants me to keep an eye on you.
Jeremy told you to
follow us to Purgatory?
Oh, I figured out where you went
when I cased your hotel.
Found your little note to Doc.
- That was private.
- You misspelled trouble.
And that's judgy.
- I'd like answers.
- Well, I'd like to be back
in the middle of the
threesome in Chicago.
I'll repeat to you now
what I said to Doc then,
Sheath your piece. It's
not a shooting contest.
- Come on, calm your casino tits.
- We just fixed the beams.
This is serious. You're
acting like children.
I am tired of busting cutrate
mobsters on misdemeanors
and I'm tired of pretending
I didn't see something
with red eyes and wings
attack my little brother
while we were hiking up Humphrey's Peak.
I'm hungry,
and I wanna be a part
of something bigger.
Regardless.
Three Rs?
- Two.
- Fuck.
We don't need any outside help.
We need all the help we can get.
- This thing is built different.
- And so am I.
- We need guns.
- We've got Peacemaker.
- Wynonna, you didn't see her.
- And she hasn't seen me.
Okay, enough.
Nicole just lost my
third favorite finger,
and with Jer Bear gone,
Mercedes dead,
Nedley out of commission.
Seems like you're running out of allies.
Fine.
But...
I'm not babysitting Kid Cock... y.
Welcome to the squad, Agent Lafferty.
Happy to be here.
This is just a tryout.
And this is the plan.
I will case the Hanly Home
for Wayward Girls for clues.
Nicole and Waverly will
stay where they're safe,
- right here.
- Hey!
You need to research what we conjured up
and what this ring wraith wants
besides a lesbian's golden hoop.
Meanwhile, the boys will dig
up the totally unnecessary stash
of old Black Badge
weapons. Just in case.
I hid the munitions out here
after I liberated them
from an old friend.
He too... was from Arizona.
One man's trash is another man's TNT.
Ballad of Holliday's
Gold. I'd watch that movie.
Alas, this is not a film.
All right, M240 Bravo,
scalable hand grenades.
Ooh, boy howdy,
desert eagle in onyx
with a holographic sight.
Not too shabby.
Ah, better than that.
Come on, Holliday,
when's the last time you
proved your mettle, huh?
Might be best to test
the floor before the war,
as Wynonna would say.
That girl's always in your head.
And my heart.
Need to stretch first?
Maybe a baby aspirin?
Well, you know what they say.
Age before beauty.
As I have both, I went first.
Well.
Well, I looked her up.
She's got a criminal record
longer than a CVS receipt.
She can hold her liquor,
though not her temper.
You aim to put a spoke in my tire
so my shootin' ends up in a ditch.
I'm just trying to understand
how that particular ancestor
became the honorable
Wyatt Earp's chosen heir.
Honorable.
When you are the last man standing,
you get to write your own story
in whatever fashion you desire.
Including manifesting self-glory.
When it comes to true heroes,
Wynonna is the most
genuine I've ever known.
And what does that make you?
A lover.
A father.
A man outta time.
And apparently... a loser.
Fuck all the way off, Penny.
Oh yeah, that's gonna show 'em.
And, uh...
You owe me a quarter for the swear jar.
They never stop.
Look, Wynonna,
you pulled some pretty
stupid stuff out there.
I managed to get
Officer Nedley's cruiser
on top of the high school.
That's...
fun and gifted.
That's debatable.
It's your behavior
in here that's my job.
That's my responsibility. So, here.
Maybe it's You?
There are worse things than
toning it down to fit in.
They call me murderer.
Aren't you?
Look, you... you're
picking all these fights
that you can't win.
You're one strike away
from getting sent
upstate. But I don't know,
maybe that's something that you want?
Maybe you feel like
you don't have a home
- you can go back to?
- You don't know me.
I know that you should be
concentrating on one thing,
getting out of this crab bucket.
Hanly Group Home, now with extra STDs.
No, it's an allegory.
When the crab tries to
climb out of the bucket,
the others pull it back down.
Place like this can feel like
nobody is allowed to succeed.
But Wynonna, you could.
If you were just...
a little bit less,
you could get a lot more.
Is that supposed to inspire me?
You're still working at the
same group home you grew up in.
Lording your power over a
tiny group of teen girls.
No one's more stuck here than you.
Okay, well, I'm just trying to help you
so that you can stop being
selfish and you can help her.
Leave my sister out of this.
I would if I could.
You were right. You can't save her.
Doc, get back to the homestead now.
We've been played.
I've got Mexican hot cocoa
with extra marshmallows
and chili powder.
Shelf it, Haught.
I know when I'm being managed.
Haught. Uh-oh.
I could have helped.
We are helping, Earp.
In the way that you do best.
What if I'm itching to try something
I'm not already the best at?
Something that's... new?
Another reno?
Running for local office.
Or... the K word?
Kitesurfing?
Oh...
Kids.
Look, Nicole...
- Is that her?
- Oh, hey, girl.
Just thought I'd...
... pop by.
Demons can't cross the ammolite bedrock.
Hmm, I mostly do what I want.
- We need to get our guns.
- We don't have time.
Time has not been kind to you, sweetie.
You used to be so
bright, so full of life.
- Shut up.
- You know, we met once
when you were just the
kid sister to Wynonna.
Talk about a glow down.
- This is our land!
- And you are stuck on it.
Day in and day out.
Reduced to somebody's wife.
You don't know shit, shit ticket.
She's trying to get in your head.
You've got a lot of
darkness inside of you.
For a B cup.
You've had power before.
Do you want another taste?
And in return, you will help me.
Get the fuck out of here!
Not before I get what I came for.
Hey, Waverly!
I'll trade you for it.
Bring it to me. You can't defeat me.
We can't defeat her. We must comply.
Come on, baby, I know you
didn't just fuckin' say that.
We cannot undo what has been promised.
We must all submit to our destinies.
Woman, you've never
submitted a day in your life!
Well, let's give it a try.
Ah, look at that, it worked.
Whoa, Ranger. Okay.
The bracelet. The other bracelet.
I shall find what is cherished.
You'd better be looking for a Xanax.
Bring it to me.
She shall receive my mercy,
or we shall feel her wrath.
You need to stop.
Or I'll stop you.
Baby, if you love me,
you will... stop...
Grace shall be delivered
through fire if necessary.
Good girl.
I knew you were more.
Fuck.
No mortal can cage me.
We just rehinged that door.
The affairs of man are
no longer my concern.
- I agree with you there.
- You dare to defy me?
It's called love, woman!
That which is precious and personal.
You made two of those bracelets,
one for Wynonna and one for you.
The precious second.
I shall give my mistress
what she demands.
- Give me the vow.
- The other vow.
Nicole, do it!
Oh.
Okay, you wanna try platitude? Try this.
No.
Live, laugh, and lie the fuck down!
Ah!
- Oops!
- Waverly! Wave!
Are you okay?
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Did I hurt your finger?
No.
I think Mina got what she came for.
Babe, who's Mina?
You.
Haven't aged a day, Mina.
Blood of a thousand virgins?
So sweet of you to remember me.
Twenty years in hell, people
don't exactly send Christmas cards.
You went to hell? How?
Another innocent victim
of the Earp river of shit.
You stopped being innocent
when you slaughtered my friend
- and hobbled my Nedley.
- Mmm, I didn't have your email.
- What do you want?
- To make you suffer.
Did you hurt my sister?
Oh! Um...
Not as much as her wife did.
And it is not fire and
brimstone down there,
Wynonna.
It is cold and dark and mean!
Mean like the demons
that I gotta deal with
to come and fuck with you.
You weren't even at the sance.
- Ugh!
- I was only 15.
Oh then, now, young, old,
this is what happens to everyone
who cares about you, Wynonna.
You never cared about me.
They get torn to pieces.
And that is what the hounds of hell
are gonna do to the three people
that you care about the most,
Waverly, and Nicole, and...
Your daughter is the heir apparent.
I'm barely her parent.
Keep this between you and me.
- Kill me, please.
- No.
I'm gonna torture you.
Just like you tortured me
and all the other demons
that you sent to their doom.
- Please.
- Yes!
Please realize that you are helpless
to save anyone who has
ever believed in you!
When Alice is in the
belly of my beasts...
Well, Doc's not even gonna
be able to look at you.
And all you're gonna do...
is watch.
See you in hell, Wynonna!
Mina Starratt ran the
Hanly Group Home for Girls.
She was an orphan. She was
a resident there herself
until she aged out at 18.
Sounds like a real peach.
I thought she was my
friend. My only friend there.
Now I wonder if she was
just trying to keep me small.
Yeah, well good fuckin' luck.
- But Mina was human.
- Now she ain't.
She wasn't at the sance.
She wasn't even the target.
Sometimes the devil claims its own.
Whatever Mina used to be,
she's the thing trying to hurt us now.
She said she was in literal hell.
And has the power to summon its hounds?
The Urcon, or bone gnawers.
Yeah, they're more than
just a cute nickname.
How hard is it to murk the Urc?
According to French texts,
they're rabid, unstoppable beasts.
Only able to cross the veil
to Earth one day a year.
February's hunger moon.
I do hate a dark hawk morning.
If given a piece of their target,
say a personal artefact like a ring
or a friendship bracelet
or... A lock of a child's hair.
The Urcon will front a rabid attack.
An attack that won't stop until...
Ils n'arrteront jamais de chasser.
They will never stop hunting.
Ne reconceront jamais
l'appel des odeurs.
Never give up the scent.
Jusqu' ce qu'ils se rgalent
de la chair de leur proie.
Until they feast on
the flesh of their mark.
But you guys have fought
things like this before.
No, not like this.
Okay, well this is a chance for our team
to impress the top brass.
I'm starting to wonder
if you got more brass
up top than brains.
No, he's part right.
All we've gotta do is
hold off the monster mutts
long enough for the Earp
heir to take out their master.
I don't think Peacemaker's gonna work.
For the same reason that Mina
was able to cross the fence line.
Why not?
'Cause I made her.
Haven't had the chance to talk.
You know, really talk, since Tombstone.
All right, well what do you got?
Pep talk about your
favorite madam's merkin?
Lesson about the time Wyatt
took on 20 groundhogs at once?
I'll take it.
I cannot remember the last
time I seen you look so scared.
I've grown too straight
and too wise for tall tales.
Mina's had 20 years to
plan the perfect revenge.
I know firsthand...
what sittin' in the dark
with nothin' but thoughts
of retribution can manifest.
What a ghastly fuel vengeance can be.
But it is nothing
compared to what love can do.
She's only five.
She never asked to be born an Earp.
Neither did you.
And you turned out all right.
Took a while to get there.
Listen, if I leave now, I
can be in Montana by noon.
No.
We make our stand here at
the source or not at all.
Besides, I've asked
you to run long enough.
Alluring as you are,
I ain't never done a single
thing that I did not wanna do.
I should have done what I wanted.
I wanted to bring Alice home.
Our real home.
Here, with... us.
There is a little spot
up on the ridge overlooking the barn.
When a Chinook blows
in, so do the clouds,
right at your feet.
We can build a little house.
We could put up a swing set.
Would that be enough for Doc Holliday?
Doc Holliday died a long time ago.
But I think that Alice's father...
could not want for a thing more.
Pretty place to lay his head.
As long as his lady is by his side.
I have to make one more goodbye.
And I have to save who I can.
- We ride at dawn.
- I shall be there.
Well, dawn-ish.
At least you got a backup loom.
Dark possessed me
through the backup loom,
through the backup kiln.
Oh yeah. Rage goo was
squirtin' outta your eyeballs.
- That's gotta sting.
- Every time.
Any chance you can craft
us a way outta this?
Gather up the Black Badge gak.
Maybe we can use it to battle
Mina and the hell hounds.
Great band name, by the way.
The Cooper Pedy opal?
- I think it's a fake.
- Oh.
Oh, Elchur Minificial
Box of Containment?
I'm not sure that it can
contain a rabid case
of damned dalmatians,
but I'll throw it on the pile.
Oh, Waves...
Your custom crocheted
cheerleading cosplay.
I'm sorry, baby. I know
how hard you worked on this.
Don't be sorry.
I'd still be stomping through
the Kootenay range black-eyed
and causing rockslides. You saved me.
I held you back.
- Thank God for that.
- No, I...
I've been holding you back.
Hey. I love our life.
Yeah, but you're still an Earp.
Earps need adventure.
Jeremy thinks Black
Badge is compromised.
And he needs people he can trust.
He's currently stationed in Egypt.
Hey, we are golden.
We could marriage long
distance for a little while.
Really?
- Very little while?
- Yeah.
I wish I could be the
one to show you the world.
Tonight...
there's no place I'd rather be...
than at home...
With my wife.
Thanks again for your help.
That's what we do, we're Black Badge.
I'm more of a black hat.
And well, sometimes I do this.
Is this 'cause I beat you at shooting?
That was just a game, son.
So what, another test?
Hazing the new guy?
Chief Chetri sent me.
But Jeremy has not met you
or your ambition.
Oh, I seen what you
crave, Agent Lafferty.
It is glory at any cost.
And that makes you hell-for-leather.
Don't do this, old man.
Goodbye, kid.
You're a hypocrite, Holliday.
Hey, Daddy.
Well, I...
should've been here more.
Here lie two other Earp heirs.
Two people I loved enormously.
I had to kill them myself.
My whole life has been a boatload of...
of mistakes and missteps.
And it sucks.
And I'm tired.
At least they get to rest.
Yeah, well, you've had
more than your share.
Anyone else would've blown
their brains out years ago.
Points for me, I guess.
Well, you've had to do whatever
it takes to live with it.
Except admit the truth.
- Which is?
- That you like it.
The huntin', the killin', the choosing.
After a lifetime of being powerless
and on the defensive,
you love being special.
What gives you the right to judge me?
Oh, get real. These two sucked.
Your sister was a
manipulative sociopath.
Your father was an abusive drunk.
Jesus, don't sugarcoat it.
Your father, my boss.
Best fisherman I ever met.
I guess that makes it okay.
Here's the thing your asshole father
taught me about winning.
History doesn't remember who played fair
or who, who cheated.
Or who had the right gear,
or whether you sabotaged
your competitor's lines.
History only remembers who won.
You know, I, I don't know if
I can win. She's a monster.
And you're not just an Earp heir,
you're your father's daughter,
and he was mean son of a bitch.
You know, sometimes it's just
about goin' where the fish are.
- Hey, what's up?
- Haught, get off my sister
and get on MapQuest.
You're designating the field of play.
We're going to them.
Cutting it awfully close.
He'll be here.
We good?
She's my sister and an Earp,
but for Mina to send
the hounds after you...
Super flattering. I mean, I knew you were
obsessed with me, but come on.
I don't have a lot of people
in my life willing to tell me
when I'm being a jackass.
Yeah well, they're
called friends, jackass.
This town's lucky to have you.
And Waverly is lucky to have you.
And I...
I'm gonna get you
your wedding ring back.
Yeah.
Hey, enough Hallmark moments.
You're messing with my blood lust.
Did I miss the hoedown?
Oh, that hoe's goin' down.
It's not a party 'til you get here.
Agent Lafferty?
Too personal.
Just felt like we should
keep it all in the family.
You sure you wanna draw them to us here?
What's our strategic advantage?
Call it, Sheriff.
Isolated locale, no civilians.
Got multiple vantage
points and the high ground.
Limited coverage for them
means maximum visibility for us.
We'll see the hell
hounds coming for miles.
And they will come.
I want you two up top,
out of reach. You're
what they're targeting.
We'll keep it kinetic.
Doc, you and I will work the bottom.
That's my specialty.
Way to keep it pervy 'til the end.
- Do you feel that?
- The hell hounds.
Oh, crap.
- Thought you quit?
- I'll quit tomorrow.
There's so many.
Oh, God. Things are ugly!
They won't stay dead.
They will when I get Mina.
- Where is Mina?
- Well, she's gotta be close by.
Well, let's throw her a bone.
Woo! What a view!
All this space.
Maybe we should blow the craft room out
- into a super spa.
- Ooh, hers and her sinks.
- Maybe a sauna.
- Clawfoot tub.
You know I love a soak!
These dogs need obedience school.
Yeah, where I should be
the headmaster. Know why?
I have an inkling.
Hey!
Doc!
Fuck.
Doc! Doc.
Oh, I thought I'd lost you.
Not today.
I believe we are pooched.
Nedley.
Who takes the dogs
out? Who, who, who, who!
Attaboy, Randy.
Doc, stay with him. I'm gonna end this.
Mina!
Get the fuck off me!
She's not coming here.
I need to go where the fish are.
Babe, you think you can
hold them off long enough so
- I can get to Wynonna?
- What is she doing?
Something stupid.
It's about time.
Ah! You mongrel!
Yeehaw!
Hey, you know, you should know,
I just took out Satan's labradoodles
and didn't even flinch.
Just drive, you old pooch!
You're supposed to stay high.
Whatcha doin', Earp?
Last thing Mina told me was
that she'd see me in hell,
so...
this is the part where
you tell me I'm crazy.
We're desperate for crazy.
Maybe the craziest.
Fentanyl's most deadly
when it's pure. On its own.
I hate this so bad.
It takes bad to end worse.
- I don't want you to end.
- You don't want us to lose.
I'm ready, Nicole. One last time.
Don't tell Waverly.
She won't understand.
This is usually my favorite part.
The wet entry.
Ah!
I do reckon I know that gun.
Are you sure you're okay?
Nobody looking for an
Earp will ever find her.
This is your home.
You're all under arrest for trespassing.
Look, they're claiming that
this is your third strike.
They're taking you upstate to
an adult correctional facility.
- I'm sorry, kid.
- It's not that. My bracelet.
Waverly's bracelet. It's
the last piece of my family
that I have. It snapped off in the barn.
Well, you're not allowed to have
personal effects in jail, kid. Sorry.
It was you. You called the cops on me.
I had to. I had no choice.
I mean, you were the one
- that ran off. I was...
- You mean I'm the one who escaped.
You don't wish I was less,
you just wish you were more.
Let's go.
Gotcha, Earp.
Hey, studio bitchywhore.
What the hell are you doing here?
- I'm doing hell.
- Uh-huh.
I was a prisoner down here for 20 years.
I'm finally privy to the
power you always craved.
Even if it is dark as, well... hell.
- Fuck you.
- That's your tell, Mina.
You got out.
You could've gone anywhere
but you skittered back
into your prison willingly.
You absolute fucking gash.
You had me at hell-oh.
Ah!
You deserve to be down
here, not me, you cunt.
Maybe. And no matter
how long I sit here,
I'll never cut a deal with demons.
Ah!
Peacemaker won't stop me.
Will for a minute. Lot
of minutes in eternity.
Ah!
You think your dogs won't stop coming?
I'll never stop coming.
Ah!
This is insane. You can't win!
No. But I can keep making you lose.
Ah!
All right. Enough.
I know curses, and now I'm yours.
Ah!
You came for my family,
now you will never make...
... your... peace!
I'm faster. I'm stronger.
I'm meaner.
Is that...
The Elkherd Magnifico
Box of Containment.
Huh. You tricked me.
The best man I know taught me...
when you bluff,
you gotta go all in.
I'll trade you that jail cell
for the thing that makes you the heir.
The only thing that's
ever made you anything.
That was before.
And then my people showed up.
Made me everything.
Well, sorry girl.
We had a time.
Hey, Mina, enjoy your crab bucket.
No!
Wynonna did it.
She got the big dog.
I'm gonna go doublecheck for strays.
Where is Wynonna?
I promised not to tell.
All the demons I've ever
killed, coming for me.
Just have fun out there, Earp.
But Alice, she'll be
okay. They'll be okay.
We know your thoughts.
Wynonna!
Wynonna!
Hey.
Waverly Earp.
And her narc.
What, like you got a monopoly
on breaking the rules?
- Thanks for going in my hole.
- Anytime.
Not anytime, but...
Where's Peacemaker?
Where she can do the most good.
My angel.
Fucking Waverly's fine.
Well that sounds more than fine. It...
it sounds delightful.
This wasn't on the chore wheel.
Agent Lafferty?
When'd you get here?
Clearly just in time.
What the fuck, rookie blue?
- Gimme the box.
- Do not give it to him.
No shit.
All right.
Ah!
- Nedley!
- Son of a...
- Next one's a little higher.
- So, you're Black Badge
but you'd commit treason? Murder?
I'm never getting
promoted at Black Badge.
I failed the psych
evaluation... too many times.
I wonder why.
I got a better offer.
There's lots of, uh,
organizations that'll pay top dollar
for a genuine demon and the ultimate
demon killing gun.
Come on.
Lafferty, or whatever your real name is,
I'm begging you, please, listen to me.
You can't take this box out
of the Ghost River Triangle.
Mina can never be let out of this thing.
My daughter's life depends on this.
Okay.
I've disabled your cars.
You can't follow me.
You can't stop me.
But I'm gonna let you live.
I'm hell-for-leather like that.
Somebody will stop this.
No!
Not you.
Thank God. A Sorrel.
No fucking way.
I admit, I forgot about you.
You're a terrible liar.
Had you fooled.
Not for a minute.
Go home, Holliday. To your woman.
Cannot and I will not let
you leave with that box.
You're too old to stop me.
I'm too old not to.
Well, once upon a time,
you may have been the fastest
gunslinger in the west,
but that was long ago
with ancient pistols.
Okay.
You can't take us all out.
I know who I'm taking out first.
Remember, you wanted this.
Nobody wants this.
I should know.
I fought it for 172 years.
Come on.
- It's Doc.
- Go. Go. Help him.
Doc!
Doc!
Doc.
Did you get 'em all?
Please.
Do you know who I am?
You're my person.
Keep it.
There's no one on Earth who
will do more to keep it safe.
And our Alice.
You tell her...
- all the good stuff.
- Doc...
you're gonna be okay.
I have been.
Many times.
More than my share.
Doc, we can fix this.
You know, you really
are awful at bluffing.
But you're pretty
good at the rest of it.
All of it, really.
Please let me save you, Doc.
Oh, darling, you did.
Doc.
Wynonna Earp.
The box, Mina...
and Peacemaker.
It's down there, too.
I meant it when I said
he'd protect it forever.
And I'm gonna stay and protect him.
Thanks again for flying in, Jeremy.
Are you kidding?
I would have come by canoe.
It was a damn good funeral
for his, uh, second funeral.
You're welcome to stay in Purgatory
at the homestead as long as you like.
Thank you, but uh, I don't think my back
can take another night
in the craft room.
And my liver definitely
can't take more Earpin'.
I get it.
You've got some work to do.
Like finding a way to fix this.
Yeah. Yeah, Black Badge
has a lot of unconventional
resources at our disposal.
- I'll try, Wynonna.
- You'll do better than that.
I promise.
It'll help that I
hired the most ingenious
researcher I've ever met.
Do send photos of Abu Simbel.
Don't open any cursed tombs.
I'm not allowed to enjoy my weekends?
Oh, try the fatteh, but
maybe not the street meat.
I'm still gonna be vegan in Egypt.
No pyramid schemes.
Very funny.
And so lovely.
I'm proud of you.
Whoa.
Jeremy says the agency
is rife with corruption.
We need to find out who
Lafferty was working for.
You will,
because you are...
Waverly goddamn head cheerleader,
tentacle resistant Earp.
Don't forget Nicole Haught's wife.
Hmm.
Okay, my turn.
Don't be too hard on her,
but don't be too soft.
I'm gonna whip her into shape.
I'll be home for Easter.
I know.
Hey, let me help you.
Whoa, geez, Waves,
how many bras did you pack?
Hey, that's sexist!
Over 20.
Finally learning from my mistakes.
Bye.
Actually feels like I'm finally
embracing my inner Wynonna.
Here's to the adventure.
You've earned it.
Well, as long as you've got
your passport, Agent Earp.
I have a passport.
Amazing.
Thanks for staying.
Yeah, I want to.
Does anybody have a rake or something?
I've got one hell of an itch.
Oh, boo-hoo, we get it. You love casts.
You gonna let her talk to me like that?
Okay, we're gonna get her
trained in citizen relations.
- Good luck.
- After we deputize her.
I can't believe I'm a cop.
Are we sure I left hell?
It gets worse. I hear your
boss is a real hard-ass.
Hey. Don't make me tear
down that fishing hut.
Fishing's over for the year.
But huntin' season's about to begin.
You guys still haven't found
that sexy werewolf, huh?
Well, we didn't know how sexy it is.
Nicole, come on.
And it's Sheriff Haught.
Okay...
I'm Deputy Earp reporting for duty.
You said duty.
Keep it professional,
Sheriff. We're on the clock.
This a war on top buttons?
Let's get to work.
# Tubi, Tubi #
Did someone order the spicy tuna?
Mercedes, how many
times I gotta tell ya?
Hush, you'll scare the trout.
As long as you're not tellin'
anybody that we're hangin' out,
Randy, what choice do I have?
When it comes to Purgatory
friendships, it's, uh...
Slim pickins at the fishing hut.
A jiggler? What is
this? Trawling for noobs?
# Uh, uh, um #
Shortbread martini?
Did you add my nutmeg twist?
Please.
Okay, they're bitin'.
Oh, they're really biting.
What did you do, bait
the lines with crack?
Sheesh, boys, buy me dinner first.
Do you think we could
make it to the cars?
Gotta hoof it.
Good thing I always dress for cardio.
Nedley!
Sheriff Nedley!
Randy?
Maybe a little. Hell was cold and dark
and I've been on my own for years.
Look, Lock Mess, I don't
know what you are...
Ah!
Not here for you. Argh!
But just to be sure,
this is the Ghost River Triangle
where bad things happen to good people?
Hey, bad thing,
get away from her.
Sure, Grandpa.
Though, isn't she a
little bit young for you?
Not that young.
Way to kick a girl when she's down.
She's the second-best angler I know.
And she's my friend.
Look, I'm not picky.
I only need one of you
to bring me the heir.
The Earp heir? Wynonna...
Hey, snow snatch!
Not him.
You want Earp?
I've been her ride or
die since high school.
But guess what?
Wynonna doesn't live here anymore.
Oh, I know.
But she'll be back.
Once I bait the hook.
Eenie, meenie, miney...
... hoe.
Not the face. It's been through so much.
And I wish I could see
the look on yours when Wynonna Earp
kicks your icy ass!
No!
Gentlemen.
Which one of you's
gonna flush my backdoor?
Ow! I didn't even get to cheat yet!
Argh!
You hit like a girl.
Hard and with perfect form.
What kind of idiot thinks she can scam
Paco Daisy in his own casino?
The kind that doesn't carry an I.D.
Though, you are one chips and guac
away from a free chalupa.
You asshole. That's na-chos to take.
Hey,
what's with the Wyatt Earp swag?
Oh, right, famous lawman.
Old West shootout and the OK Corral
right here in Tombstone? Guys...
He's a big deal around these parts!
White folks do love
their violent heroes.
When they're feeling patriotic,
they spend more at the buffet.
Wyatt Earp.
Just another apocryphal colonizer
who got a revisionist
history thanks to his big gun.
Hey, I apologize, Chayton.
I assumed you were just muscle.
Got my PhD at Brown.
19th century Americana.
Your big words are being wasted here.
You wanna chat?
Chayton.
Sorry, boss.
Okay. Oh!
Okay.
Admit that one hurt. That one smart.
Can't take a beating like when I was 27.
Might as well give it up, girlie.
Your partner already spilled.
Partner?
Doc! What have they done to you?
Turned me into a video game.
When this is over, I promise you
mouth to south resuscitation.
Oh, you really don't
want this to be over.
What was your angle here, hmm?
Grease my dealer?
Have moustache boy count cards?
I'm awfully flattered
to be addressed as boy,
considering my advanced age.
Get this, blue eyes
thinks he's Doc Holliday.
Wyatt Earp's buddy?
You know, I don't love your tone.
Oh.
Doc Holliday,
the greatest gunslinger who ever lived?
Top 20 for sure.
I beg your pardon.
I would have gotten away
with robbing you fools blind
if Wynonna could learn to bluff.
Well, at least I'm not a weapon.
Hey.
Ah, ah, ah!
It was in her Spanx.
Go start digging the hole.
Okay don't-don't cheese your beans.
Peacemaker only kills demons.
Lights up when you point it at one.
Well, lights up for me.
And me.
You cheatin' hussy.
What?
I think I found the boss' tell.
Paco is a demon.
We're never gonna get that chalupa.
Stop by the caf, Sheriff.
We just put a fresh pot on for you.
What, both of you?
Just when I needed it.
Thank you, Chrissy.
- Hi, Natalie.
- Hi.
Go Blue Devils!
- Hey, Nicole, lookin' good.
- Hey, Kyle, back at ya.
How's your brother?
- I got those tulips you ordered, Sheriff.
- Oh, Freddie. Thank you so much.
I will be by the shop later, okay?
Well, well, well.
Ma'am, you, uh, you can't park here.
I'm waiting for my wife.
She's like a big deal in this town.
You trying to nepo baby
your way out of a $30 ticket?
- Also hoping to get frisked.
- Oh, really?
Mrs. Waverly Earp.
Mrs. Nicole Haught.
Ahem! Public dis-gays of affection?
Kind of unprofessional, don't ya think?
Hi, Bunny.
So girls, uh,
Randy Nedley didn't show up
for samba karate this morning.
- Oh, uh...
- Anyhoo, I gotta fly.
I gotta go ice my dojo.
That Sensei Rick is very thorough.
Bye-bye.
Wow.
I kinda miss when she was
too homophobic to overshare.
So, what are you thinking?
That my mentor, the Sheriff Emeritus,
Mr. Randy Nedley, often has
one too many Beer Tab Blues
while out on his highly
illegal fishing hut,
which I have to pretend I
don't know anything about.
Still, do you fancy a drive to the
edge of the Ghost River Triangle?
Hmm. I thought you'd never ask.
Oh, also, I picked up the mail.
Oh, yay! A new postcard from Wynonna.
Oh, my God.
It's so funny to think about your sister
acting all touristy at the place
where your ancestor made his mark.
Sounds like she's in a good place.
What now, Earp?
Same as always, just have fun out there.
That's right, pork chop,
Wynonna Earp. Crazy chick
with a demon killing gun.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Ha!
Doc!
This was our play.
Get caught so you'd
bring us to the one room
we couldn't breach, your vault.
You Earp slut!
Huh. There's that high tone
'tude they love in hell.
Which is where I'm about to send you.
Ahem. Uh, may I?
I'd rather ya didn't.
Hi.
Hello.
You like that?
It is always a treat watching
you do what you do best.
There's one more thing
I'm pretty good at.
Need I remind you that we
are here to crack a safe?
You need pants for that?
- I do not.
- Okay.
Nedley?
Mercedes?
Sheriff Randy Nedley!
Two whole years runnin' cons
out of the back of a suitcase.
Mm-hmm. But every dollar we steal...
Borrow... brings us one step
closer to getting our own farm.
A place to settle down.
Bring Alice home from
Aunt Gus' place in Montana.
All right, enough math. Let's
hit the blackjack tables.
That also requires math.
Make this wad into a bigger wad.
The way you play, darlin',
which is good and roostered,
our wads only get smaller.
You love me roostered.
I love you. Full stop.
Then why are you being such a wad?
We spent some of this
on things you wanted.
I don't remember
wanting to lose ten grand
at the tables last month.
I'm sorry. I'm... I'm tired.
Boring.
Oh, come on, I didn't...
You're not, I didn't mean...
You're not, you're not, obviously.
I believe I shall take some air.
Come on, stay and take
the Earp heir. Again.
I just need to clear my head.
Will it be hours or days this time?
Don't wait up.
I never do.
Nedley!
Oh, Nedley.
I was too slow. Mercedes.
It's okay. Hey, hey, hey.
You're hurt, but you're alive, okay?
- Wait...
- Stay still.
Waited for you.
I knew you would come.
Okay, shh.
911, what's your emergency?
- I need paramedics on Route 72.
- South of town?
That's right, border of
the Ghost River Triangle.
- We're on our way.
- Okay. Hey! I found Nedley!
Attacked by a bear!
That wasn't a bear.
Baby girl, did you get my postcard?
I think Mercedes is dead.
What do you mean dead?
What do you mean Earp?
Okay.
Okay, come on, cowboy, pick up.
Of course.
Do it the old fashioned way.
Okay.
Here I come.
Oh...
The metal earmuffed hello?
I, I was just hoping for a hug.
- You bring donuts?
- I didn't even bring a bra.
Baby girl. Baby girl's woman.
We weren't expecting you so soon.
I drove the Pacomobile all night.
Welcome home, Wynonna.
Oh, I still use these
ribs on the regular.
My hero. The champion.
Fucking Wynonna is fine.
Whoa!
- So, you moved the kitchen.
- Mm-hmm.
It's smart. Turned my
bedroom into a craft room.
Dumb. But since you're renovating,
- I'd also redo the stairs.
- Oh, shut your mouth!
When did Karen from
planet Hobby Lobby move in?
Is that a homophobic typo?
Oh, that's why we got it free.
Reclaimed phrase, reclaimed wood.
Speaking of reclaimed wood, where's Doc?
Where's all my stuff?
Do you mean your weed?
No.
We donated it to the orphanage.
Oh, those kids are gonna get fucked up.
Look at all this stuff! More BBD gak?
Enough googly eyes to
choke an unlicensed daycare.
And honest-to-fuckin' loom!
Jesus, Haught, you should
be keeping my sister busier.
Oh, we maintain a robust schedule.
Yeah, I see that on your chore wheel.
Hey, it's your turn to
clean the baseboards.
Whatever that means in gay.
Lemme guess, box of condoms?
Bup-bup-bup-bah, bup-bah.
That is the Elchur
Minificial Box of Containment.
Well, I can barely
contain how jazzed I am
that my box has to sleep in the barn.
After Mercedes' wake.
How bad was it?
Uh, let's just say there's
not gonna be an open casket.
- So, demons.
- We don't know that.
Nicole, what was left of Mercedes' bits
was used to spell out our last name.
So, unless some enterprising coyote
has taught themselves how to read,
then we need the Earp heir home.
Even if it's a trap?
Especially if it's a trap.
You both have five minutes
to get funeral fabulous.
- Okay.
- Meet you by the demon limo.
The thing that did this is a-fucked!
What?
I just, I wish you would've talked to me
before you called her.
I don't need my wife's
permission to call my sister.
No, I...
What are you gonna wear?
Gotcha two coffees. With extra coffee.
Truce?
Wynonna uh...
Oh, I will be.
And you misspelled trouble.
Hey, this is mid.
Almost forgot about
the Purgatory side eye.
And Mercedes Gardiner
was more midriff than mid.
She would want this to
be a real panty-dropper.
Mah!
- Ooh! Hi, baby.
- Hi.
- Let's get a drink.
- You mean another drink?
Hey! We spent hours trying
to figure out what did this.
And what flavor Pop Tarts
goes best with the gin.
It's frosted strawberry.
Ladies.
You know what? We had a
lot of catching up to do,
so we caught up with the catch up.
Uh yeah, you do you.
- Be right back.
- Baby!
Is it just me or did your
wife get more uptight?
The town is finally thriving.
She just doesn't want things to like...
Oh, 'cause everybody
- here hates me?
- Not the people that matter.
I did a hell of a lot
for these numpties.
- I kept you safe from de...
- Deez nuts!
Father Bertucci!
My sweet child.
Wynonna...
You piss in one font.
You did the best you could.
Whatever.
I'm here for her.
She died with her boots on.
Those things are hideous.
Even the bear wouldn't touch them.
Throttle down, Jasmine.
Body's not even cold.
Well, the body's in several pieces.
Yeah, know what that tells me?
She fought like fuck.
Mercedes went down swinging.
What a crazy, awesome bitch.
Mercedes thought she was such
hot shit since high school.
Yeah, takes shit to know shit.
- You saying you're shit?
- Don't twist her words!
I wasn't there for much of high school.
Left to major in jello shots and juvie.
Got exiled to the Hanley
Home for Girls, first.
We got up to some wild
there, eh, Wynonna?
I minored in childhood trauma, Sheree.
It's all a bit hazy.
The three of us, and Penny Kessley.
We were kinda mean to you.
It was a long time ago.
Where is Penny?
Probably couldn't get a sitter.
Her kid's dad is being such a tool.
You know, Wynonna's got
a great system for dealing
with bad dads, claim it was demons
and shoot them in the back.
After you.
Now someone's 'bout to
get punched in the front.
Stop.
So, Wynonna's home.
Oh, yeah. She always knew
how to make an entrance.
Oh, you sound jealous.
Oh, come on, she's
wild, I'm mild. It works.
Yeah.
Friendships are like that.
Mercedes could barely
keep up with this rizz.
I-I got your text.
I don't really understand what...
pineapple, pineapple, robot emoji means.
It means I got a broken wing
and I don't text good.
I'm just glad you're okay.
I don't feel okay.
And I don't remember much,
including what the perp looked like,
so don't bother asking me.
You kidding? It's a
miracle you're even upright.
Gave you enough drugs to knock out Iowa.
Huh. Opiates don't work on me anymore.
I passed 17 kidney stones in four years.
It's chilly out.
There's a cold front rolling in.
There's a rum punch,
and they got the game on.
Can't quite bring myself to go in there.
Hey, hey, none of this is your fault.
Twenty years ago, I woulda
gotten to the truck faster,
I woulda had that shotgun
in the hut with me.
Younger me might've saved her.
Yeah well, a younger you
wouldn't have been friends
with the likes of Mercedes.
That counts.
Nicole, Purgatory hasn't lost anyone
for a long time in this way.
I got it covered. All right?
I've been telling everyone
it was an animal attack.
Oh, careful. Careful, Sheriff Haught.
I lied to everybody for 30 years
about what goes on around here.
To keep them safe.
I was scared.
Don't be like me.
Don't confuse protecting
people with deciding for them.
This is just, it's a blip.
Whatever happens next, I can handle it.
Bottle, you numpty!
You better start with
the sinner sisters.
Keep my sister's name
out of your viper mouth.
She went from Pop
Tarts to poppin' tarts.
Okay, that is enough!
I can take the littlest lesbian.
She's bisexual, you muppet.
I actually identify as pansexual now.
Aw, baby girl, your journey.
My God, you stupid Earps!
You both are going home right now.
I'm calling you a cab.
Shotgun!
No way, I get car sick in the back!
Oh, but don't worry,
I'm gonna be up all night
filing a report
about why there was a
battle royale at a wake.
Just as Mercedes would have wanted-ah!
- Wynonna...
- Your mom's mad, dude.
No way. She loves paperwork.
And I love her.
- Mah!
- Okay, out!
Don't worry everybody.
It's uh, it's all uphill from here.
Ahem.
Oh, I'm...
Working after hours.
All by your lonesome.
That's Nedley's lucky bandana.
He certainly was luckier
than, uh... Mercedes.
- Hands up, now!
- Or what?
Or I blow them off your wrists.
I'm the sheriff of Purgatory.
Well, you're a lot more
than that, Nicole Haught.
You're Wynonna Earp's best friend.
Oh!
Ah...
What do you want with Wynonna?
Revenge, payback, the whole Moby Dick.
Oh yeah, you certainly
seem like a dick, all right.
Okay, okay, we can trade quips later.
Right now, I need the first
of three precious things from you.
Number one, your wedding ring.
Over my dead body.
Get out of my head.
Oh...
Ow!
What do you want?
Doesn't anyone listen around here?
Ah!
Your ring and revenge.
Revenge is overrated. I should know.
Doc.
And that's my cue.
Next stop,
Wynonna's teen trauma.
Hugs and kisses to Dawson's Freak.
And that was confusing.
And painful. Ah!
I saw the light on
and I knew the best lawman
that Purgatory's ever known
was burning the midnight candle.
Or fighting a particularly comely demon.
Yeah, well it was either
her or the Earp sisters.
They're also on my shit list. Ow...
So, business as usual.
This one feels personal.
Haven't been that drunk in ages.
It was long overdue.
Like a lot of things.
But these blankets smell like horse.
When's the last time you washed 'em?
I'm pretty sure that's
your old leather jacket.
- More whiskey?
- No, I'm good.
- But you're better bad.
- Hmm. Bad influence.
Nicole will be fine. Ah.
Kinda thought she'd be
more jazzed to see me.
Wynonna Earp,
feeling guilty and turning down hooch.
Doc's got you tamed.
Look, if anything,
Doc thinks I am a lot.
There's no way.
I don't know.
Keeps disappearing for hours at a time.
I mean, we're still the
best. We're still the best
- when we're fighting or fucking.
- Roger that.
But when we have to
stop running and talk,
it's just never been our strong suit.
We're saving up to buy a place.
Alice is five now.
A little kid who could use a mom.
But she has one, Aunt Gus.
You deserve to be happy, Wynonna.
I am happy knowing my daughter is safe.
I can't even keep my baby
sister from getting jumped
by some group home skanks. How
would Doc and I protect a kid?
With your whole heart.
You have to tell your
person how you feel.
You first.
What? What's that supposed to mean?
You've been working police dispatch.
Yes.
And Chrissy's coffee bar.
Volunteering at the old folks' home.
With the occasional
shift at the Cat Caf.
Though tending pussy's more of a hobby.
Don't change the subject with
a hilarious off color joke.
That's my move.
You've also developed a
crippling craft addiction
that has robbed me of a bedroom.
Now who's running in place?
What else am I supposed
to do around here?
Literally anything you want.
Jeremy has been calling.
He wants me to join him overseas.
Restructure the Black Badge Division.
That's your future
right there, baby girl.
I... I can't leave Nicole.
Leaving doesn't mean forever.
I'm puddin' proof of that, baby.
Nicole's no stranger to ambition,
and she's not selfish.
Gingerdread can take care of herself.
Little help?
- She took your ring?
- Your wedding ring?
Baby, it's just a broken finger.
She broke your finger?
I love that finger.
You're gonna have to get
creative with your sex lives.
Park their melting moments for a spell.
Switch to toes for a few weeks.
It's not the primary digit for that.
Digit get a look at this asshole?
Big blonde mane, fit. Tentacle powers.
- She is hard to miss.
- But you did miss.
No, I aimed true.
My bullets did nothing.
- So, a demon.
- A demon who would've killed me
- if Doc hadn't have shown up.
- It is the ideal finger
- to lose if you had to choose.
- I did not get to choose.
Well, it sounds like
Octobussy will be easy to find.
Most people think the
pinky finger is superfluous.
But you need it. Yep, for balance.
Sounds wrong to say
this exactly right now,
but I've missed this.
The batshittery of our lives.
The batshittery of you girls.
Now it feels less like a reunion
and more like a reboot.
Well, I'd like to reboot
this demon and her cooch.
She's gathering items. My
ring was just the first.
She said she needs
three precious things.
Wynonna, she called you Dawson's Freak.
What did you say?
And I did manage to
swipe this off her wrist.
It's a friendship bracelet
with Waverly's name on it.
My name but not my bracelet.
When I was six years
old, I... I made it.
For me.
Hang on. I got it.
Not you, Henry. We're talkin'.
Oh, Jerusalem's crickets.
It was 20 years ago. The
day I lost this bracelet.
I was 15 years old living
in a shitty group home,
Hanly's Wayward Girls.
I was so determined to show them.
Them who?
The other Dawson's Freaks.
That's what we called ourselves.
Holy shit.
Seriously, Wynonna,
this place is even
creepier than I imagined.
No wonder you're so fucking weird.
Stop pooping in your low rise jeans.
If you're that scared, we can jet.
I'm bored and I'm cold.
I thought we'd at least do
it inside the murder house.
It's not a murder house,
it's a murder home.
Cute.
Wyatt Earp took this lasso
from the old west sheriff
who put a curse on
him, the demon Clootie.
My clootie is itchy.
And ammolite is the hell mineral.
Bedrock surrounding the
homestead is loaded with it.
- This is a load all right.
- Look, Penny, Jasmine, Sheree,
you all wanted me to prove it.
But this land, my family,
the curse, that is all real.
All right. Keep your tampon in.
It has to be now.
Today's the only day we can do it.
- Thursday?
- Time of the hunger moon.
That's so not a thing.
The Blackfoot call it Ka'toyi.
When the veil between Earth and
the underworld is at its thinnest.
And all your energy turns to survival.
Sure, Wynonna.
So, is this really
where you shot your dad?
I was aiming for the
ghouls who grabbed him.
But yeah.
You actually believe
demons did it, don't you?
They've been coming for me
and my own my whole life.
Revenis ad se ostendendum invocamus.
In nomine Clootie. In nomine Earp.
It's the cops. We gotta bail.
Wait, my bracelet. My
baby sister made me that!
- Who cares? We're busted.
- Okay, come out
of there with your hands up.
You're all under arrest for trespassing.
And that was it for
me from there on out.
It was all mental institutions
and juvie 'til I turned 18.
Now it turns out that
wasn't my only fuck up.
We must have conjured
up a demon after all.
But okay, what's it
doing here 20 years later?
The hunger moon is in two days.
We've got everything this
demon wants right here.
- On the homestead?
- Of course not.
Demons can't get past
the ammolite bedrock.
Yeah, well, guess what?
This bitch doesn't play by the rules.
She wants some second magical item.
Baby brainy girl can figure out what it is.
It's gonna be somewhere in Purgatory.
No, no, no, you're not
gonna use my town as bait.
- Or my wife.
- Why?
'Cause you're the only
one who gets to keep
- Waverly on the hook?
- What's that supposed to mean?
Despite bad circumstances, I'm
simply delighted to see you.
- Hmm.
- And your new hairdo is so fetching.
That is for whoring, and gambling,
and leaving Wynonna alone at night.
Most evenings I simply walk.
I do some birdwatching.
But you must see the fresh
fire in Wynonna's eyes
in the face of all this.
Two years ago, she ran away
with me expecting a circus.
So, I must feign to let
the tiger out now and then.
The woman I love is...
she's addicted to calamity.
She does get easily bored.
Yeah, well, the last thing
that I want is Wynonna Earp
to get bored of me.
But you've changed.
Change is natural.
So, why should it feel like a betrayal?
Is that Megan Thee Stallion?
She's so good.
You know, the first time I pressed play
I was expecting something different.
Well, anxiety aside, it must be tiring.
I will never tire
loving the wildest stallion of them all.
Mustang. Stallions are boys.
Waverly Earp, are you attempting
to school me on the ponies?
I mean,
even though he's been dead
to the world for centuries,
you still have to play Doc Holliday
instead of just being Henry.
You could try not being a dick.
But I wouldn't bet on it.
Can't protect this place or Waverly
by making them smaller.
Well, I mean, you
can't just show up here
and destroy everything we've built
because you seanced a little
too hard when you were 15.
If you really wanted
to secure Purgatory,
you'd tell them we're
under demon attack.
I'm not gonna tell a bunch
of people to stop living
their lives just 'cause I can't
keep some fentanyl creeping in.
Am I the fentanyl in this scenario?
At least fentanyl takes away your pain.
Wynonna, I would literally kill for you,
but the chaos that you bring.
Waverly could use a little chaos
if it means a chance
to spread her wings.
She needs more than hot sex and crochet.
Lately, she can hardly
hold back her more,
especially when she is stressed out.
I mean, and nothing stresses her out
- more than her big sister.
- Wasted potential?
You should have a little more
faith in me and your wife.
God forbid Wynonna Earp
doesn't get what she wants.
Yeah, I'd like for you to pull
that judgment stick outta your a...
Ladies, we have company.
Not this guac of shit.
Did you bring me my points card?
- I ate your chalupa.
- May I introduce...
- Agent Lafferty.
- Agent?
I was undercover at the Daisy Casino
trying to bag the big boss
when you and Wynonna...
Though I'm not sure how you got
the drop on Paco, given he was a...
- Asshole?
- A demon.
I mean, that seemed pretty far-fetched.
You know what? You can drop
the act. I'm one of you.
Black Badge.
It's a cross-border task force
that investigates the paranormal.
- Yeah.
- Chief Chetri recruited me
after he heard I encountered
your work in Tombstone.
Wants me to keep an eye on you.
Jeremy told you to
follow us to Purgatory?
Oh, I figured out where you went
when I cased your hotel.
Found your little note to Doc.
- That was private.
- You misspelled trouble.
And that's judgy.
- I'd like answers.
- Well, I'd like to be back
in the middle of the
threesome in Chicago.
I'll repeat to you now
what I said to Doc then,
Sheath your piece. It's
not a shooting contest.
- Come on, calm your casino tits.
- We just fixed the beams.
This is serious. You're
acting like children.
I am tired of busting cutrate
mobsters on misdemeanors
and I'm tired of pretending
I didn't see something
with red eyes and wings
attack my little brother
while we were hiking up Humphrey's Peak.
I'm hungry,
and I wanna be a part
of something bigger.
Regardless.
Three Rs?
- Two.
- Fuck.
We don't need any outside help.
We need all the help we can get.
- This thing is built different.
- And so am I.
- We need guns.
- We've got Peacemaker.
- Wynonna, you didn't see her.
- And she hasn't seen me.
Okay, enough.
Nicole just lost my
third favorite finger,
and with Jer Bear gone,
Mercedes dead,
Nedley out of commission.
Seems like you're running out of allies.
Fine.
But...
I'm not babysitting Kid Cock... y.
Welcome to the squad, Agent Lafferty.
Happy to be here.
This is just a tryout.
And this is the plan.
I will case the Hanly Home
for Wayward Girls for clues.
Nicole and Waverly will
stay where they're safe,
- right here.
- Hey!
You need to research what we conjured up
and what this ring wraith wants
besides a lesbian's golden hoop.
Meanwhile, the boys will dig
up the totally unnecessary stash
of old Black Badge
weapons. Just in case.
I hid the munitions out here
after I liberated them
from an old friend.
He too... was from Arizona.
One man's trash is another man's TNT.
Ballad of Holliday's
Gold. I'd watch that movie.
Alas, this is not a film.
All right, M240 Bravo,
scalable hand grenades.
Ooh, boy howdy,
desert eagle in onyx
with a holographic sight.
Not too shabby.
Ah, better than that.
Come on, Holliday,
when's the last time you
proved your mettle, huh?
Might be best to test
the floor before the war,
as Wynonna would say.
That girl's always in your head.
And my heart.
Need to stretch first?
Maybe a baby aspirin?
Well, you know what they say.
Age before beauty.
As I have both, I went first.
Well.
Well, I looked her up.
She's got a criminal record
longer than a CVS receipt.
She can hold her liquor,
though not her temper.
You aim to put a spoke in my tire
so my shootin' ends up in a ditch.
I'm just trying to understand
how that particular ancestor
became the honorable
Wyatt Earp's chosen heir.
Honorable.
When you are the last man standing,
you get to write your own story
in whatever fashion you desire.
Including manifesting self-glory.
When it comes to true heroes,
Wynonna is the most
genuine I've ever known.
And what does that make you?
A lover.
A father.
A man outta time.
And apparently... a loser.
Fuck all the way off, Penny.
Oh yeah, that's gonna show 'em.
And, uh...
You owe me a quarter for the swear jar.
They never stop.
Look, Wynonna,
you pulled some pretty
stupid stuff out there.
I managed to get
Officer Nedley's cruiser
on top of the high school.
That's...
fun and gifted.
That's debatable.
It's your behavior
in here that's my job.
That's my responsibility. So, here.
Maybe it's You?
There are worse things than
toning it down to fit in.
They call me murderer.
Aren't you?
Look, you... you're
picking all these fights
that you can't win.
You're one strike away
from getting sent
upstate. But I don't know,
maybe that's something that you want?
Maybe you feel like
you don't have a home
- you can go back to?
- You don't know me.
I know that you should be
concentrating on one thing,
getting out of this crab bucket.
Hanly Group Home, now with extra STDs.
No, it's an allegory.
When the crab tries to
climb out of the bucket,
the others pull it back down.
Place like this can feel like
nobody is allowed to succeed.
But Wynonna, you could.
If you were just...
a little bit less,
you could get a lot more.
Is that supposed to inspire me?
You're still working at the
same group home you grew up in.
Lording your power over a
tiny group of teen girls.
No one's more stuck here than you.
Okay, well, I'm just trying to help you
so that you can stop being
selfish and you can help her.
Leave my sister out of this.
I would if I could.
You were right. You can't save her.
Doc, get back to the homestead now.
We've been played.
I've got Mexican hot cocoa
with extra marshmallows
and chili powder.
Shelf it, Haught.
I know when I'm being managed.
Haught. Uh-oh.
I could have helped.
We are helping, Earp.
In the way that you do best.
What if I'm itching to try something
I'm not already the best at?
Something that's... new?
Another reno?
Running for local office.
Or... the K word?
Kitesurfing?
Oh...
Kids.
Look, Nicole...
- Is that her?
- Oh, hey, girl.
Just thought I'd...
... pop by.
Demons can't cross the ammolite bedrock.
Hmm, I mostly do what I want.
- We need to get our guns.
- We don't have time.
Time has not been kind to you, sweetie.
You used to be so
bright, so full of life.
- Shut up.
- You know, we met once
when you were just the
kid sister to Wynonna.
Talk about a glow down.
- This is our land!
- And you are stuck on it.
Day in and day out.
Reduced to somebody's wife.
You don't know shit, shit ticket.
She's trying to get in your head.
You've got a lot of
darkness inside of you.
For a B cup.
You've had power before.
Do you want another taste?
And in return, you will help me.
Get the fuck out of here!
Not before I get what I came for.
Hey, Waverly!
I'll trade you for it.
Bring it to me. You can't defeat me.
We can't defeat her. We must comply.
Come on, baby, I know you
didn't just fuckin' say that.
We cannot undo what has been promised.
We must all submit to our destinies.
Woman, you've never
submitted a day in your life!
Well, let's give it a try.
Ah, look at that, it worked.
Whoa, Ranger. Okay.
The bracelet. The other bracelet.
I shall find what is cherished.
You'd better be looking for a Xanax.
Bring it to me.
She shall receive my mercy,
or we shall feel her wrath.
You need to stop.
Or I'll stop you.
Baby, if you love me,
you will... stop...
Grace shall be delivered
through fire if necessary.
Good girl.
I knew you were more.
Fuck.
No mortal can cage me.
We just rehinged that door.
The affairs of man are
no longer my concern.
- I agree with you there.
- You dare to defy me?
It's called love, woman!
That which is precious and personal.
You made two of those bracelets,
one for Wynonna and one for you.
The precious second.
I shall give my mistress
what she demands.
- Give me the vow.
- The other vow.
Nicole, do it!
Oh.
Okay, you wanna try platitude? Try this.
No.
Live, laugh, and lie the fuck down!
Ah!
- Oops!
- Waverly! Wave!
Are you okay?
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Did I hurt your finger?
No.
I think Mina got what she came for.
Babe, who's Mina?
You.
Haven't aged a day, Mina.
Blood of a thousand virgins?
So sweet of you to remember me.
Twenty years in hell, people
don't exactly send Christmas cards.
You went to hell? How?
Another innocent victim
of the Earp river of shit.
You stopped being innocent
when you slaughtered my friend
- and hobbled my Nedley.
- Mmm, I didn't have your email.
- What do you want?
- To make you suffer.
Did you hurt my sister?
Oh! Um...
Not as much as her wife did.
And it is not fire and
brimstone down there,
Wynonna.
It is cold and dark and mean!
Mean like the demons
that I gotta deal with
to come and fuck with you.
You weren't even at the sance.
- Ugh!
- I was only 15.
Oh then, now, young, old,
this is what happens to everyone
who cares about you, Wynonna.
You never cared about me.
They get torn to pieces.
And that is what the hounds of hell
are gonna do to the three people
that you care about the most,
Waverly, and Nicole, and...
Your daughter is the heir apparent.
I'm barely her parent.
Keep this between you and me.
- Kill me, please.
- No.
I'm gonna torture you.
Just like you tortured me
and all the other demons
that you sent to their doom.
- Please.
- Yes!
Please realize that you are helpless
to save anyone who has
ever believed in you!
When Alice is in the
belly of my beasts...
Well, Doc's not even gonna
be able to look at you.
And all you're gonna do...
is watch.
See you in hell, Wynonna!
Mina Starratt ran the
Hanly Group Home for Girls.
She was an orphan. She was
a resident there herself
until she aged out at 18.
Sounds like a real peach.
I thought she was my
friend. My only friend there.
Now I wonder if she was
just trying to keep me small.
Yeah, well good fuckin' luck.
- But Mina was human.
- Now she ain't.
She wasn't at the sance.
She wasn't even the target.
Sometimes the devil claims its own.
Whatever Mina used to be,
she's the thing trying to hurt us now.
She said she was in literal hell.
And has the power to summon its hounds?
The Urcon, or bone gnawers.
Yeah, they're more than
just a cute nickname.
How hard is it to murk the Urc?
According to French texts,
they're rabid, unstoppable beasts.
Only able to cross the veil
to Earth one day a year.
February's hunger moon.
I do hate a dark hawk morning.
If given a piece of their target,
say a personal artefact like a ring
or a friendship bracelet
or... A lock of a child's hair.
The Urcon will front a rabid attack.
An attack that won't stop until...
Ils n'arrteront jamais de chasser.
They will never stop hunting.
Ne reconceront jamais
l'appel des odeurs.
Never give up the scent.
Jusqu' ce qu'ils se rgalent
de la chair de leur proie.
Until they feast on
the flesh of their mark.
But you guys have fought
things like this before.
No, not like this.
Okay, well this is a chance for our team
to impress the top brass.
I'm starting to wonder
if you got more brass
up top than brains.
No, he's part right.
All we've gotta do is
hold off the monster mutts
long enough for the Earp
heir to take out their master.
I don't think Peacemaker's gonna work.
For the same reason that Mina
was able to cross the fence line.
Why not?
'Cause I made her.
Haven't had the chance to talk.
You know, really talk, since Tombstone.
All right, well what do you got?
Pep talk about your
favorite madam's merkin?
Lesson about the time Wyatt
took on 20 groundhogs at once?
I'll take it.
I cannot remember the last
time I seen you look so scared.
I've grown too straight
and too wise for tall tales.
Mina's had 20 years to
plan the perfect revenge.
I know firsthand...
what sittin' in the dark
with nothin' but thoughts
of retribution can manifest.
What a ghastly fuel vengeance can be.
But it is nothing
compared to what love can do.
She's only five.
She never asked to be born an Earp.
Neither did you.
And you turned out all right.
Took a while to get there.
Listen, if I leave now, I
can be in Montana by noon.
No.
We make our stand here at
the source or not at all.
Besides, I've asked
you to run long enough.
Alluring as you are,
I ain't never done a single
thing that I did not wanna do.
I should have done what I wanted.
I wanted to bring Alice home.
Our real home.
Here, with... us.
There is a little spot
up on the ridge overlooking the barn.
When a Chinook blows
in, so do the clouds,
right at your feet.
We can build a little house.
We could put up a swing set.
Would that be enough for Doc Holliday?
Doc Holliday died a long time ago.
But I think that Alice's father...
could not want for a thing more.
Pretty place to lay his head.
As long as his lady is by his side.
I have to make one more goodbye.
And I have to save who I can.
- We ride at dawn.
- I shall be there.
Well, dawn-ish.
At least you got a backup loom.
Dark possessed me
through the backup loom,
through the backup kiln.
Oh yeah. Rage goo was
squirtin' outta your eyeballs.
- That's gotta sting.
- Every time.
Any chance you can craft
us a way outta this?
Gather up the Black Badge gak.
Maybe we can use it to battle
Mina and the hell hounds.
Great band name, by the way.
The Cooper Pedy opal?
- I think it's a fake.
- Oh.
Oh, Elchur Minificial
Box of Containment?
I'm not sure that it can
contain a rabid case
of damned dalmatians,
but I'll throw it on the pile.
Oh, Waves...
Your custom crocheted
cheerleading cosplay.
I'm sorry, baby. I know
how hard you worked on this.
Don't be sorry.
I'd still be stomping through
the Kootenay range black-eyed
and causing rockslides. You saved me.
I held you back.
- Thank God for that.
- No, I...
I've been holding you back.
Hey. I love our life.
Yeah, but you're still an Earp.
Earps need adventure.
Jeremy thinks Black
Badge is compromised.
And he needs people he can trust.
He's currently stationed in Egypt.
Hey, we are golden.
We could marriage long
distance for a little while.
Really?
- Very little while?
- Yeah.
I wish I could be the
one to show you the world.
Tonight...
there's no place I'd rather be...
than at home...
With my wife.
Thanks again for your help.
That's what we do, we're Black Badge.
I'm more of a black hat.
And well, sometimes I do this.
Is this 'cause I beat you at shooting?
That was just a game, son.
So what, another test?
Hazing the new guy?
Chief Chetri sent me.
But Jeremy has not met you
or your ambition.
Oh, I seen what you
crave, Agent Lafferty.
It is glory at any cost.
And that makes you hell-for-leather.
Don't do this, old man.
Goodbye, kid.
You're a hypocrite, Holliday.
Hey, Daddy.
Well, I...
should've been here more.
Here lie two other Earp heirs.
Two people I loved enormously.
I had to kill them myself.
My whole life has been a boatload of...
of mistakes and missteps.
And it sucks.
And I'm tired.
At least they get to rest.
Yeah, well, you've had
more than your share.
Anyone else would've blown
their brains out years ago.
Points for me, I guess.
Well, you've had to do whatever
it takes to live with it.
Except admit the truth.
- Which is?
- That you like it.
The huntin', the killin', the choosing.
After a lifetime of being powerless
and on the defensive,
you love being special.
What gives you the right to judge me?
Oh, get real. These two sucked.
Your sister was a
manipulative sociopath.
Your father was an abusive drunk.
Jesus, don't sugarcoat it.
Your father, my boss.
Best fisherman I ever met.
I guess that makes it okay.
Here's the thing your asshole father
taught me about winning.
History doesn't remember who played fair
or who, who cheated.
Or who had the right gear,
or whether you sabotaged
your competitor's lines.
History only remembers who won.
You know, I, I don't know if
I can win. She's a monster.
And you're not just an Earp heir,
you're your father's daughter,
and he was mean son of a bitch.
You know, sometimes it's just
about goin' where the fish are.
- Hey, what's up?
- Haught, get off my sister
and get on MapQuest.
You're designating the field of play.
We're going to them.
Cutting it awfully close.
He'll be here.
We good?
She's my sister and an Earp,
but for Mina to send
the hounds after you...
Super flattering. I mean, I knew you were
obsessed with me, but come on.
I don't have a lot of people
in my life willing to tell me
when I'm being a jackass.
Yeah well, they're
called friends, jackass.
This town's lucky to have you.
And Waverly is lucky to have you.
And I...
I'm gonna get you
your wedding ring back.
Yeah.
Hey, enough Hallmark moments.
You're messing with my blood lust.
Did I miss the hoedown?
Oh, that hoe's goin' down.
It's not a party 'til you get here.
Agent Lafferty?
Too personal.
Just felt like we should
keep it all in the family.
You sure you wanna draw them to us here?
What's our strategic advantage?
Call it, Sheriff.
Isolated locale, no civilians.
Got multiple vantage
points and the high ground.
Limited coverage for them
means maximum visibility for us.
We'll see the hell
hounds coming for miles.
And they will come.
I want you two up top,
out of reach. You're
what they're targeting.
We'll keep it kinetic.
Doc, you and I will work the bottom.
That's my specialty.
Way to keep it pervy 'til the end.
- Do you feel that?
- The hell hounds.
Oh, crap.
- Thought you quit?
- I'll quit tomorrow.
There's so many.
Oh, God. Things are ugly!
They won't stay dead.
They will when I get Mina.
- Where is Mina?
- Well, she's gotta be close by.
Well, let's throw her a bone.
Woo! What a view!
All this space.
Maybe we should blow the craft room out
- into a super spa.
- Ooh, hers and her sinks.
- Maybe a sauna.
- Clawfoot tub.
You know I love a soak!
These dogs need obedience school.
Yeah, where I should be
the headmaster. Know why?
I have an inkling.
Hey!
Doc!
Fuck.
Doc! Doc.
Oh, I thought I'd lost you.
Not today.
I believe we are pooched.
Nedley.
Who takes the dogs
out? Who, who, who, who!
Attaboy, Randy.
Doc, stay with him. I'm gonna end this.
Mina!
Get the fuck off me!
She's not coming here.
I need to go where the fish are.
Babe, you think you can
hold them off long enough so
- I can get to Wynonna?
- What is she doing?
Something stupid.
It's about time.
Ah! You mongrel!
Yeehaw!
Hey, you know, you should know,
I just took out Satan's labradoodles
and didn't even flinch.
Just drive, you old pooch!
You're supposed to stay high.
Whatcha doin', Earp?
Last thing Mina told me was
that she'd see me in hell,
so...
this is the part where
you tell me I'm crazy.
We're desperate for crazy.
Maybe the craziest.
Fentanyl's most deadly
when it's pure. On its own.
I hate this so bad.
It takes bad to end worse.
- I don't want you to end.
- You don't want us to lose.
I'm ready, Nicole. One last time.
Don't tell Waverly.
She won't understand.
This is usually my favorite part.
The wet entry.
Ah!
I do reckon I know that gun.
Are you sure you're okay?
Nobody looking for an
Earp will ever find her.
This is your home.
You're all under arrest for trespassing.
Look, they're claiming that
this is your third strike.
They're taking you upstate to
an adult correctional facility.
- I'm sorry, kid.
- It's not that. My bracelet.
Waverly's bracelet. It's
the last piece of my family
that I have. It snapped off in the barn.
Well, you're not allowed to have
personal effects in jail, kid. Sorry.
It was you. You called the cops on me.
I had to. I had no choice.
I mean, you were the one
- that ran off. I was...
- You mean I'm the one who escaped.
You don't wish I was less,
you just wish you were more.
Let's go.
Gotcha, Earp.
Hey, studio bitchywhore.
What the hell are you doing here?
- I'm doing hell.
- Uh-huh.
I was a prisoner down here for 20 years.
I'm finally privy to the
power you always craved.
Even if it is dark as, well... hell.
- Fuck you.
- That's your tell, Mina.
You got out.
You could've gone anywhere
but you skittered back
into your prison willingly.
You absolute fucking gash.
You had me at hell-oh.
Ah!
You deserve to be down
here, not me, you cunt.
Maybe. And no matter
how long I sit here,
I'll never cut a deal with demons.
Ah!
Peacemaker won't stop me.
Will for a minute. Lot
of minutes in eternity.
Ah!
You think your dogs won't stop coming?
I'll never stop coming.
Ah!
This is insane. You can't win!
No. But I can keep making you lose.
Ah!
All right. Enough.
I know curses, and now I'm yours.
Ah!
You came for my family,
now you will never make...
... your... peace!
I'm faster. I'm stronger.
I'm meaner.
Is that...
The Elkherd Magnifico
Box of Containment.
Huh. You tricked me.
The best man I know taught me...
when you bluff,
you gotta go all in.
I'll trade you that jail cell
for the thing that makes you the heir.
The only thing that's
ever made you anything.
That was before.
And then my people showed up.
Made me everything.
Well, sorry girl.
We had a time.
Hey, Mina, enjoy your crab bucket.
No!
Wynonna did it.
She got the big dog.
I'm gonna go doublecheck for strays.
Where is Wynonna?
I promised not to tell.
All the demons I've ever
killed, coming for me.
Just have fun out there, Earp.
But Alice, she'll be
okay. They'll be okay.
We know your thoughts.
Wynonna!
Wynonna!
Hey.
Waverly Earp.
And her narc.
What, like you got a monopoly
on breaking the rules?
- Thanks for going in my hole.
- Anytime.
Not anytime, but...
Where's Peacemaker?
Where she can do the most good.
My angel.
Fucking Waverly's fine.
Well that sounds more than fine. It...
it sounds delightful.
This wasn't on the chore wheel.
Agent Lafferty?
When'd you get here?
Clearly just in time.
What the fuck, rookie blue?
- Gimme the box.
- Do not give it to him.
No shit.
All right.
Ah!
- Nedley!
- Son of a...
- Next one's a little higher.
- So, you're Black Badge
but you'd commit treason? Murder?
I'm never getting
promoted at Black Badge.
I failed the psych
evaluation... too many times.
I wonder why.
I got a better offer.
There's lots of, uh,
organizations that'll pay top dollar
for a genuine demon and the ultimate
demon killing gun.
Come on.
Lafferty, or whatever your real name is,
I'm begging you, please, listen to me.
You can't take this box out
of the Ghost River Triangle.
Mina can never be let out of this thing.
My daughter's life depends on this.
Okay.
I've disabled your cars.
You can't follow me.
You can't stop me.
But I'm gonna let you live.
I'm hell-for-leather like that.
Somebody will stop this.
No!
Not you.
Thank God. A Sorrel.
No fucking way.
I admit, I forgot about you.
You're a terrible liar.
Had you fooled.
Not for a minute.
Go home, Holliday. To your woman.
Cannot and I will not let
you leave with that box.
You're too old to stop me.
I'm too old not to.
Well, once upon a time,
you may have been the fastest
gunslinger in the west,
but that was long ago
with ancient pistols.
Okay.
You can't take us all out.
I know who I'm taking out first.
Remember, you wanted this.
Nobody wants this.
I should know.
I fought it for 172 years.
Come on.
- It's Doc.
- Go. Go. Help him.
Doc!
Doc!
Doc.
Did you get 'em all?
Please.
Do you know who I am?
You're my person.
Keep it.
There's no one on Earth who
will do more to keep it safe.
And our Alice.
You tell her...
- all the good stuff.
- Doc...
you're gonna be okay.
I have been.
Many times.
More than my share.
Doc, we can fix this.
You know, you really
are awful at bluffing.
But you're pretty
good at the rest of it.
All of it, really.
Please let me save you, Doc.
Oh, darling, you did.
Doc.
Wynonna Earp.
The box, Mina...
and Peacemaker.
It's down there, too.
I meant it when I said
he'd protect it forever.
And I'm gonna stay and protect him.
Thanks again for flying in, Jeremy.
Are you kidding?
I would have come by canoe.
It was a damn good funeral
for his, uh, second funeral.
You're welcome to stay in Purgatory
at the homestead as long as you like.
Thank you, but uh, I don't think my back
can take another night
in the craft room.
And my liver definitely
can't take more Earpin'.
I get it.
You've got some work to do.
Like finding a way to fix this.
Yeah. Yeah, Black Badge
has a lot of unconventional
resources at our disposal.
- I'll try, Wynonna.
- You'll do better than that.
I promise.
It'll help that I
hired the most ingenious
researcher I've ever met.
Do send photos of Abu Simbel.
Don't open any cursed tombs.
I'm not allowed to enjoy my weekends?
Oh, try the fatteh, but
maybe not the street meat.
I'm still gonna be vegan in Egypt.
No pyramid schemes.
Very funny.
And so lovely.
I'm proud of you.
Whoa.
Jeremy says the agency
is rife with corruption.
We need to find out who
Lafferty was working for.
You will,
because you are...
Waverly goddamn head cheerleader,
tentacle resistant Earp.
Don't forget Nicole Haught's wife.
Hmm.
Okay, my turn.
Don't be too hard on her,
but don't be too soft.
I'm gonna whip her into shape.
I'll be home for Easter.
I know.
Hey, let me help you.
Whoa, geez, Waves,
how many bras did you pack?
Hey, that's sexist!
Over 20.
Finally learning from my mistakes.
Bye.
Actually feels like I'm finally
embracing my inner Wynonna.
Here's to the adventure.
You've earned it.
Well, as long as you've got
your passport, Agent Earp.
I have a passport.
Amazing.
Thanks for staying.
Yeah, I want to.
Does anybody have a rake or something?
I've got one hell of an itch.
Oh, boo-hoo, we get it. You love casts.
You gonna let her talk to me like that?
Okay, we're gonna get her
trained in citizen relations.
- Good luck.
- After we deputize her.
I can't believe I'm a cop.
Are we sure I left hell?
It gets worse. I hear your
boss is a real hard-ass.
Hey. Don't make me tear
down that fishing hut.
Fishing's over for the year.
But huntin' season's about to begin.
You guys still haven't found
that sexy werewolf, huh?
Well, we didn't know how sexy it is.
Nicole, come on.
And it's Sheriff Haught.
Okay...
I'm Deputy Earp reporting for duty.
You said duty.
Keep it professional,
Sheriff. We're on the clock.
This a war on top buttons?
Let's get to work.