Yannick (2023) Movie Script
I don't believe it.
I just don't!
I don't know how else to say it.
I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.
I just don't believe it!
I don't believe it.
Words fail me. I don't believe it.
- I don't believe it.
- Oh, come on!
Words fail me.
I'm devastated.
No, worse than that: I'm crushed.
Now, excuse me.
I need to eat.
Oh, come on!
You know what?
It's ruined my appetite.
I'm not hungry. I'm disgusted.
Thanks!
Oh, come on.
You must've expected it.
No, I didn't.
I know they say it happens
to all men at least once.
I didn't think it'd happen to me
at my age. Not like this!
Couldn't you wait
till the weekend to tell me?
No, I felt like telling you tonight.
Oh, did you?
Yes.
Madam felt like it!
You're lucky
to do things you feel like.
Take me...
I feel like eating lobster.
That's what I'd like.
But what is there?
Oh, look!
Corn with butter, for a change!
What a treat! I'm gonna enjoy this!
Corn is yellow. That's for cuckolds.
Is it a hint?
No!
I thought you'd like it.
I didn't know yellow was for cuckolds!
You thought I'd like it?
OK, let's do this.
Where did you meet that cretin?
Stop it!
You know the walls are paper-thin!
Let me think...
With his ugly face, I bet he's a banker!
You met him at the bank!
Serge, please keep your voice down.
Sorry, but this is my home.
I can say what I want!
Why has he been in the bathroom for ages?
It's not normal!
Oh, be nice. He's sick!
Nice?!
Nice to the guy
who's stealing my wife?
Yes, be nice.
He picked up a terrible superbug
on safari in Kenya.
His insides are a total mess.
It's no fun!
Jeez, Madeleine!
Let me sum it up.
It's hard to hear you're cheating on me
on a Tuesday night.
So be it.
But on top of that, it's with a guy
who has gut trouble!
Do you want me to kill myself?
What next?
Will you tell me you're pregnant?
You don't understand,
you don't listen to me.
That's the problem.
It's purely platonic.
- Sure it is!
- Of course!
That goes right over your head.
Well, it exists, you know.
Yeah, in your dumb novels.
Look, I knew it was a bad idea
for you to read.
It's a bad influence on you.
"Platonic"... Bullshit!
Fred warned me:
"Watch out, buddy.
"If she reads romance novels,
you're in for trouble."
He was right.
I don't just read novels.
I subscribed to that science magazine.
Well, about time!
I hope he cleaned up.
I don't want to catch his superbug.
Stop it!
Sorry it took so long.
We took the opportunity to talk.
Don't worry about us.
We had a lot to say.
We don't split up every night!
By the way, do you want a bite to eat?
We didn't ask. So rude.
I don't know...
Yes, why not?
No, I don't think so.
Let's go, darling.
What's the rush?
We have time, no?
Let me spend time
with my replacement.
It's now or never, isn't it?
Go ahead.
Open the fridge and help yourself.
No, Bruno, get your jacket.
We're going.
Well, he seems nice.
Let's stay for 5 minutes.
He is. That's not the problem.
Are you afraid
we'll become friends?
No, I don't want him
to open the fridge.
Well, I'd like him to.
I want to spend time
with my replacement.
So, help yourself.
Sit down. We guys will chat.
I'll tell you a few things
about your new chick.
You'll see, she's full of surprises.
Very amusing!
So, do I open the fridge or not?
Open it! I'd like that.
Bruno, if you do, I warn you...
What?
Show her you're a man. Open it!
I'm warning you...
- Open it!
- Don't open it.
Pardon me.
Sorry to interrupt.
I know it's not right.
I'll be quick
so I don't disturb you too much.
First of all, good evening.
I'm Yannick.
I'm speaking up.
Don't get offended,
but I don't find this entertaining.
Sorry to be so blunt.
It can't be nice to hear,
but I paid for something entertaining
and I'm supposed to feel good.
It feels like quite the opposite.
You're adding to my problems,
not making me forget mine.
So, that ain't right, right?
There's a problem.
Nonsense!
I don't think you fully realize,
but that's not the done thing.
I know. I apologize once again.
It's just that I got organized
to come here tonight.
I'm a night watchman,
I work 7 days a week.
I had to take a day off work.
You probably don't realize,
but it's complicated.
I can't do it often.
I need to ask my boss
and get a colleague to replace me.
So, if I take a day off work
to be entertained,
I wanna be entertained.
Otherwise, it's a catastrophe.
I'm not saying it's deliberate.
I know you're just the actors.
It's not your fault.
I expect someone is responsible.
A director, right?
Yes, he's the playwright, too.
I should talk to him.
That would be wiser.
Can you get him out here
so I can explain my problem?
Look, let's make it even easier.
I'll give you his number,
you can go call him
and tell him,
so we can get back to work, OK?
You're joking! Isn't he here?
No.
The guy in charge
isn't here to check
you do good work.
What?
Wait...
Hold on...
It's normal it goes wrong
if the captain isn't here.
What the hell is this?
No, you're making it all go wrong.
Yeah, we'll do this play
at least 60 times,
so the director can't be here
every night.
So, this is a madhouse!
What is this dive?
What if a restaurant chef
didn't show up?
How crass!
It's not the same.
It is.
Customers pay for a service.
If it isn't satisfactory,
you need to complain to the boss.
If I order some meat
in a restaurant
and I find hair on my plate,
what do I do if I'm told
the cook isn't there?
We understand your restaurant metaphor,
but we're different.
This is a stage. It's art, OK?
- Art?!
- It's not a piece of meat, OK?
That's a good 'un. Art!
I didn't pay for that!
Think I'm the culture secretary?
I want a nice change.
That's a different ballgame.
What's art anyway?
I won't start arguing...
We're all artists, aren't we?
I could draw a banana and 3 apricots
on a kitchen table
if I had the time.
Let's stop this
because you're being a pain.
You can't ruin everyone's night
with a monologue.
If you don't like the play,
you can leave.
You can get a refund.
- Just go
- Yeah!
That's too easy.
I took a day off work to come here.
The money is one thing,
but my whole evening has been ruined.
You can't pay for that.
Don't you see?
Time is a precious thing.
I don't have 50 days' vacation.
I can't waste a day on this disaster,
especially if it gets me down.
- OK, enough!
- What?
OK, we get it,
you're not happy.
Don't bug everyone.
You're a pain.
How long did it take you
to get here?
- What's it to you?
- Listen...
It took me 45 minutes
on the train from Melun,
plus a 15-minute walk, OK?
Do the math, it's a long commute!
Then, I have to go back.
So, double it.
That's your problem, pal.
Sorry, no-one cares!
I'm explaining my frustration.
You got your message across.
I'm telling you...
The problem is, I feel worse
than when I came in here.
That's why I'm speaking up.
I have a shitty life.
I don't feel on top form,
psychologically speaking.
A show
that's supposed to cheer me up
has the opposite effect.
Sorry, but I can't take it.
I just can't.
That's subjective.
Nothing we can do about it.
Subjective?
Suddenly, he's using big words!
Subjective works both ways.
You subjectively think
the play is worthwhile.
Let's stop.
No, not for one guy.
Let's carry on.
Carry on after all that? Really?
Yes, who cares?
Let's pretend it's an intermission.
- We can't back down.
- OK.
Hold on, you don't understand.
Enough...
You artists will drive me crazy!
Are you listening
or am I pissing in the wind?
You're not carrying on.
You wanna torture me?
Your crap isn't helping.
Get it into your heads!
What do you expect us to do?
- Do something else.
- Pardon?
Do something else.
Something less artistic.
You must know other stuff.
It's your job.
Look, we're not musicians.
We don't do requests!
There's at least 6 months'
rehearsals here.
Who the hell is this guy?
Where's he from?
Melun. I told you.
You need to listen.
I think you're from Ballbusterville.
No, Melun, east of Paris.
He answers back...
I think it's too easy to judge.
Even if you don't like it,
you should respect their work.
No-one criticizes your work
as a night watchman.
No chance of that.
I'm on my own
in the parking lot.
I do my job properly.
No thefts or damage in 3 years.
The job's done properly.
Guaranteed!
As for them...
I'm sorry, I'm no expert...
If I feel bad
when I watch the play,
then it must be shit.
Get out.
- Throw this jerk out.
- What?
- Out.
- Why?
It was amusing,
but you've gone way too far.
No-one cares.
You're not the only person here. Now go.
You can't stand criticism.
Everyone has to like it, right?
I can stand criticism,
but not during the play.
This sabotage is unacceptable.
Go before I get really angry.
What about my opinion?
I don't give a flying fuck!
It's no fun, but too bad.
Now get the hell outta here!
That's not very nice.
I took a day off.
A 45-minute train ride,
a 15-minute walk to come here.
You throw me out...
Shut up! You'll drive us crazy!
Beat it! Loser!
Can I get my coat?
Or get fucked?
Your problem, pal!
Holy cow!
You OK?
Well, that was a first.
I swear!
"A 45-minute train ride
and a 15-minute walk."
What a nightmare! Right?
What a jerk.
Now where were we?
- There you are.
- Thanks.
You didn't stay long.
Didn't you like it?
They're clapping?
Yeah.
I took a day off work.
I had to ask my boss.
The show doesn't cheer me up.
Where were we?
- The fridge.
- Right.
Should we start over,
for the energy?
- No.
- Forget it.
- I open it?
- Just before.
Oh, OK.
Come on!
It's not easy to get back into it.
Please bear with us.
OK, let's go.
Let's go.
Imagine you go to a restaurant.
You order some meat
and there's a hair on the plate.
Stop it. Let's just concentrate
or we won't manage. Go on.
Oh, come on.
Positions.
I've thought it over.
I don't agree
with what just happened.
He's got a gun!
I can't digest it.
What's my name again?
I'm talking to you actors.
Has one of you had the good grace
to remember my name?
No?
Thought so.
You didn't bother to listen.
- Patrick?
- No.
Good try, but no.
My name's Yannick.
I told you at the start.
Yannick!
In Hebrew, it means
"God is gracious".
I saw that recently on Google.
Funny, that. "God is gracious"!
Sir... Yannick...
Sorry, I yelled at you,
but I didn't mean to insult you or...
It's just that I had to
handle a tricky situation
for us and for the audience.
So, you can put your gun away.
It's too late for that, pal.
The gun's in my hand.
You're my witnesses.
I politely tried to open up a dialogue.
But he preferred
to get on his high horse
and throw me out.
So, that's it.
Not my fault. Sit down.
I'm not a marksman.
I'm a parking attendant.
So, I don't know
how to use this.
It could go off at any moment.
So...
now you know.
OK...
Let's play a little game.
Did anyone bring their computer,
by any chance?
Someone must have come
straight from work with their computer.
You bureaucrats...
Where are you hiding tonight?
I've got a PC.
What?
A PC. A laptop.
- Is that a computer?
- Yes.
Why don't you say that, then?
Why invent some dumb word?
Is it charged?
It should be.
Well, bring it over here.
I warn you,
if anyone tries to call the cops
or tries to pull a fast one,
I won't hesitate,
I'll shoot 'em at once.
What's my name again?
Yannick.
Easy, see?!
You need a gun now
to get some respect.
What a world!
Honestly!
- It's booting up.
- OK, get lost.
Now then...
What's this shit?
It wants a password.
You need to enter the password.
I'm listening.
Vaginal.
Sorry, it was a joke with a colleague.
I didn't expect to say it out loud.
You're all degenerates in here!
What a sick password!
How do you spell it?
V-A...
Take it easy! I'm not a typist!
V...
A...
- V-A what?
- G.
I...
I... Go on.
N-A-L.
Vaginal. Ridiculous!
Enter.
It seems to work.
It's slow to start.
I told you it's my day off.
I have plenty of time.
Now what?
I'm regaining control.
I'll show you.
Don't rile me.
Control of what?
Brigitte Bardot, you're stressing me out!
Don't stay there.
I want nobody behind me, OK?
Stay still. I'm cool, but...
things could go down the tubes
at any moment.
OK?
Right, it seems to be working.
I don't believe it.
The desktop is a chick on all fours
in her panties!
You got a problem, man!
Look.
Shit!
Anyway, what was I gonna say?
You got software to type text?
There's an icon at the bottom left.
Word, that's word processing.
Click on it, it'll open.
Bottom left. Where is it?
I can't imagine
how often you jerked off to this!
Is the girl underage?
No.
Forget it.
The very idea disgusts me.
OK, the icon at the bottom left...
I see it.
I click...
No good.
You have to double-click.
It's complicated.
Give me a hand, Mr. Subjective.
You look like a computer geek.
Open it for me.
Easy! I'm high on adrenaline.
Don't do anything funny.
No, I won't do anything funny.
There you are.
Give me a white page to write on.
So, new document...
There.
- It's ready.
- I can write there?
If you type, it'll appear on the page.
It's simple.
It's like a typewriter.
You can correct things.
Don't blind me with science.
Your breath stinks.
It's unbearable.
Move!
I tell you, it's gross!
So...
We're ready. Here goes.
I'll explain.
So, the great actor you see here...
What's your name?
Paul Rivire.
That's it.
So, the great actor you see before you
who wasn't really on form tonight...
He condescendingly told me
I didn't know anything about art.
You heard him.
He yelled at me like I'm his dog.
That's pretty much what happened.
Now, the way I see it,
I'm convinced their play is shit.
Sorry, it's a pretty radical view,
but it's sincere.
That's what caused our falling-out.
Right?
- Yes.
- That's about it.
So, now I intend
to put it right.
Contrary to appearances,
I'm a positive guy at heart.
Even if I'm not doing too well,
as I said.
I keep my head up
and I prefer
to take the bull by the horns
than let things get me down.
The bull here is this crappy play
that I took the liberty of interrupting.
You get the metaphor.
So, what'll I do now?
It's simple.
I'll sit here for a while
with this computer
kindly loaned to me
by that pervert.
And I'll write a new show
which will prove to everyone
that a parking attendant is also capable
of doing something more entertaining
than that tired old crap
we had to endure just now.
I'll write a new play
which they'll perform as best they can.
And it'll cheer us all up
and we'll go home,
feeling comforted
because that's
what we all came for tonight.
So, here we go.
Give me a cigarette.
It'll help me think.
I can see from your skin
that you smoke.
Am I right?
- Well, my character smokes.
- Yeah, right.
I study people.
Light it for me
and stick it in my mouth.
I'm not hitting on you.
It's OK, you're safe.
I don't bite!
So...
Here goes...
Yeah, here goes.
- Yannick...
- Don't interrupt.
I'm feeling inspired.
Don't distract me just now.
Do you need to pee?
No, it's just that I see
that you're writing slowly...
Well, that's only natural
because you don't know...
the keyboard or the...
I type very fast because...
I'm not just an actor.
I write things at home, too...
So, I type fast.
So, I wanted to say... If you like,
tell me what you want to say
and I'll type it for you.
Think I'm a moron?
You're trying to screw me.
No, I don't think you...
I'll do it fine on my own.
I don't need anyone.
Leave me alone. All of you.
If anyone needs to relieve themselves,
or whatever, it's up to you.
Do it quietly in a corner.
It's not a problem!
End of.
I'll carry on.
Mr. Yannick...
Don't keep interrupting me.
What's your problem?
I understand what you're doing.
It's very courageous.
But this just isn't realistic.
What isn't?
Let's meet up another day.
Without the gun.
We go to a bar and swap ideas.
- It could be very worthwhile.
- Yes.
You can't hold people hostage.
It's inhuman.
Take it down a notch.
Do you think we're friends?
- No...
- What the hell?
It's now or never.
I'm a busy man.
First of all.
For the hostage situation, it's the same
when you do your vaudeville crap.
They can't move.
They have to keep quiet and clap
and wait for the end to stand up.
It's a hostage situation, too.
Think about it while I work.
You might come to your senses.
Now leave me in peace.
What's going on?
He has a gun, he's crazy.
- A gun?
- We're hostages.
What? Fuck!
What're you doing here?
Nothing.
I just wondered why... It's very late...
I explained it already.
You missed your chance.
Make yourself useful,
go get a printer. I'll need one.
There must be an office.
Yes, there is.
There must be a printer. Bring it.
OK.
Be careful. If you call the cops,
I'll shoot someone.
OK.
Bring some paper.
Sorry.
What the hell's that?
Couldn't you find a bigger one?!
Sorry.
Where do I put it?
On the table.
Know how to connect it?
I think I need to find
an extension cable.
Enough technical crap.
Just hook it up.
- Sorry.
- I'm concentrating.
So...
Your machine's going like crazy!
What speed!
With this, Jules Verne's books
would've come out in a flash!
Progress is amazing, isn't it?
Yeah...
I'm boring you.
No.
I can see I am, kiddo.
Go sit down.
Your job's done. Thanks.
Now come over here, you clowns.
Don't get me wrong,
I said "clowns" affectionately.
I went to the circus a lot
with my parents.
They're dead,
so it brings back fond memories.
So...
here are your lines.
If they're out of order,
check the numbers
and put 'em in the right order.
Here's the cast: you're the doc.
You: patient.
You: nurse.
No...
Is nurse not good enough for you?
You wanna be a surgeon?
No, it's just...
The set's a kitchen.
That doesn't matter.
Forget it.
People can imagine it's a clinic.
You'll see, it'll be magic,
don't worry.
OK, read it through together
quietly in a corner.
Rehearse, warm up,
whatever it is you do.
When you're ready, call me.
I'll give you directions.
OK?
Get to work. Over to you.
Is this for real?
Unbelievable!
- Crazy...
- Jump him.
Pardon?
Jump him and smash his face in!
What the hell?
No, we gotta do as he says.
You big fuckin' sissies!
You can take him out.
He's got a gun.
No, forget it.
What...?
Stop whispering.
I don't like that.
We're learning our lines.
You don't have to do that.
You're not at school.
You can hold the fuckin' pages.
Great. It'll make things easier.
OK.
Sorry for the delay.
I hope it's not too long.
Still having a good evening?
Well...
Yes, it's OK...
You together?
Yes.
Yes.
That's good.
I used to have a woman.
With my work, it wasn't ideal
to see each other.
She was a pain.
What do you do for a living?
We run a driving school.
That's funny. So, what do you do?
You give driving lessons?
No, we...
We're in charge of the firm.
OK, I see.
Does it make good money?
Not bad.
We're not rich.
No, but we can't complain.
You mustn't complain.
As they say,
you take what you can in life.
Am I right?
I agree.
So, you spend your days together?
- In the driving school?
- Yes.
Doesn't it get tiring,
being together all day
and then, all evening
at home, too?
No, you get used to it.
And we're still in love.
Yes.
That's cute.
What was I gonna say?
So, you must get up to dirty stuff
in the back office?
When it's quiet.
No...
There's no back office.
You must have done it once.
No, I don't think so.
And we're rarely alone.
There's the staff...
And it's not our thing.
Not your thing?
Mating is everyone's thing, ma'am.
It's universal.
Stroke her thigh.
Pardon?
Touch your wife.
Show me what you do.
I'm interested.
I'm joking!
He believed me!
I'm joking. I'm not a pervert!
I was lightening the mood.
Oh, OK.
I'll leave you alone.
Well, I enjoyed...
our little chat.
Have a good evening.
Thank you.
You're nice. I'll remember that.
Very nice.
Hey, kid, stay with us.
We're starting again soon.
Sorry.
Are you tired?
No, I just nodded off.
It's not normal at your age.
Old folks do that usually.
Even your mom's stayed awake.
It's 11:30. What's wrong?
Nothing.
- You are his mother, right?
- Yes.
You have to be careful what you say
about these things nowadays.
You see strange couples these days.
Know who I mean?
Man, oh, man!
So why so tired, fella? What's wrong?
- I'm OK.
- He's on medication.
He's tired because of the tranquilizers.
He's chronically anxious.
Really? How come?
We don't know.
They don't know.
That's kinda rough for a kid, I expect.
Yes, it is.
Your big scary glasses
must be making him anxious!
Not at all.
Hey, I'm joking!
Does no-one get my humor?
I keep getting flops.
Did you see some of the show
or did you sleep through it?
No, I saw it.
What did you think before I stepped in?
Did you like it?
Not really.
That's reassuring. It wasn't good.
The actors aren't bad.
Not bad?
Yeah.
Your pills must be strong!
They distort your perception of reality!
You're stoned.
It's not possible!
I can't act this shit.
The grammar mistakes!
Let's just do it.
It doesn't matter.
It does matter.
We'll look like goddam idiots.
- Do something.
- I don't wanna die.
Die, how? Is it even a real gun?
Yeah, we don't know.
Of course it's a fake.
He's a loser with a fake gun.
Look at him.
He's getting the audience on his side.
I don't believe it!
It's unbearable.
Paul, if you save the day,
I'll sleep with you.
What?
I promise,
get us out of this shit
and you can take me however you want:
from behind, upside down...
But take out that guy.
- What?
- You're insane.
I don't give a shit anymore.
You can't sleep with me for nothing?!
It's to motivate you.
I've got no money on me,
so you can fuck me,
but get us out of here.
Go on. He's not looking.
Jump him!
Actually,
we got free tickets off a friend.
Yeah.
Did you agree with what I said before?
We didn't really think about it.
No, we don't really have
a critical eye.
But we understand.
You had a 45-minute journey.
And a 15-minute walk.
- That's a lot.
- Yeah.
So, you're more demanding than us.
- We live nearby, so it's OK.
- Yeah.
Really?
That's news.
It doesn't fall on deaf ears!
How can I put it? Can I sleep
at your place if it's not over too late?
- Well, we don't live together.
- No.
Whichever. I just don't wanna stress
over missing the last train.
It's easier for me...
I only have 1 bedroom,
so there's not...
You have a pull-out sofa.
- What?
- You have a sofa bed.
Your place is much bigger.
It's not the same, there's my cat.
- So?
- He's tricky.
Don't bother coming up with excuses.
You don't want me there.
I don't dream
of seeing your dirty socks!
Calm down, you broads, OK?
So, is there anyone generous
here tonight
who'd put me up?
So I don't stress
over missing the last train.
Me!
If you stop all this crap now
and if you let everyone leave...
I can give you an attic room.
You were rude to me before.
Don't dictate to me.
This is the key to your apartment
and your country house, OK?
- I do as I like.
- So, don't ask.
- What?
- Don't bother asking.
If you know you can do
as you please with that gun...
don't ask.
You've got a point.
Why do I bother?
I'll sleep on your sofa bed.
OK, I don't mind.
I'm sure you're not mean.
Of course.
You're seeing me in a bad light,
but I'm a sweetie, don't worry.
But I don't like cats.
Lock it up
so it doesn't bug me in my sleep.
- She has the cat.
- Yeah.
Oh, OK, fine. It's a deal, then.
The sofa bed it is!
That's settled. Great.
If I find someone to buy me a nice meal,
this could become
the best night of my life!
I like where this is going.
You've got a nice face. Hi!
'Evening.
How about grabbing a bite to eat
after the show?
Why not? But it's late.
Everything will be shut.
This is Paris.
There must be a tavern or something.
It's not easy around here.
Really?
There's the Pig's Trotter.
Near Les Halles.
It's nice, they serve all night.
Now I know your weird password,
I'll do without your culinary tips.
The Pig's Trotter suits you!
The pig that gets his kicks!
We'll find something.
Even Arabic food - I'm not choosy.
A kebab?
Yeah, I think we can find that.
Always a solution.
Don't just say no.
Many people are like that.
Say yes first, not no,
even if you're wrong.
Sir... Yannick?
A word?
I'd completely forgotten about him.
We were so happy, chatting
that I'd forgotten about this shit!
A word?
What? Are you ready?
What's going on?
Something's wrong.
Is it my lines?
No, that's not the problem.
Tell me. I won't be offended.
I won't go to the Oscars with it!
How can I put it?
It's weird that you're getting on
with the audience
while we're hostages.
Yeah, it's an unpleasant situation.
It's very humiliating, see?
Either you hold everyone up...
Your choice, you're armed.
Or you don't hold anyone up.
That's also an option.
But you can't hold some people up.
Something's wrong.
That's not how it works.
What do you mean, Brains?
Who am I not holding up?
The audience.
You're joking with them.
It's very ambiguous.
Hold on... You're ambiguous,
whispering like that.
I speak out loud, OK?
What's it to you
who I have a laugh with?
Sure. Let me explain it differently.
- You want us to act properly
- Yep.
- You want people to enjoy it.
- Yep.
You want people
to go home, feeling comforted.
That's the goal, yes.
If you want the project to work,
it's very important
that people are on our side.
Not on your side, but our side.
That's very important.
Understand? Otherwise, it won't work.
Understand?
OK, I get it.
You're jealous 'cause they like me.
He's jealous!
- Give it back.
- Gotcha!
You didn't. Give it back.
He got you good!
Not so clever now!
It's not like before!
Did you believe-me, you nutter?
It'll end badly. Give it.
OK. Is it loaded?
- Is it real?
- Give it a try.
Is it loaded?
You can't even hold it properly.
- Give it back.
- You loser! Look.
No-one looks at you without this.
No-one gives a shit about you!
I know. There's no need to be harsh.
Give it back.
Stop it, you poor fool.
You're lost for words now.
"Give it back."
"Give it back."
How old are you? 8 and a half?!
What'll you do?
You need to calm down,
give me my gun back,
and perform the play I wrote,
as planned.
Sure we will!
I've never seen such shit!
It's hopeless!
As he said, it's subjective.
Shut your face! Shut up!
Put your hands up.
- Hands up!
- Like in cowboy movies?
Yeah, I'm a cowboy. Hands up!
Hands up, baby, hands up!
Shut up!
No, stop it and shut up!
Get down on the floor.
Get down!
What for?
Call the cops.
- What?
- The cops.
I'm handling this, OK?
Let me handle it.
This is a bit weird.
He's right.
Did you have the balls
to intervene? No.
You didn't move.
I took all the risks, so leave it to me.
- No...
- Stop!
Fuck!
It's a high-pressure situation.
I've just done a heroic deed!
Can't I vent for a second,
just for the hell of it?
So, shut your face!
Don't yell at them.
You'll have a heart attack.
What's going on?
I'll have a heart attack
if I want!
Now get down on the floor.
I won't keep saying it. Go on.
Be precise. How?
Lying down? Sitting up?
Get down on the floor!
OK, I'm on all fours.
There's no need to get worked up.
That's good.
Look at me.
Know what you'll do now?
You're going to bark.
Go on, bark like a little dog.
It's embarrassing.
What's your problem?
What?
Can't I belittle him
for my own pleasure?
Stop defending him.
The guy has been terrorizing you
for 2 hours!
Now you love him!
- No...
- What, then?
You are kinda jealous!
Stop it. I'm sick of it!
You're the only one laughing here!
"I had a 15-minute walk"!
I'm sick of it, pal!
I've had enough!
More than enough!
Lick the floor.
You've lost the plot now.
You're showing your dark side.
That's not right.
Lick it now.
Think of the audience.
What'll they think of you?
I don't care about the audience.
I don't give a damn about them.
He's right.
What we do every night is shit.
Isn't it?
Now is not the time...
It isn't worth a damn.
Look, they're bored shitless.
The place is half-empty.
And their faces...
Shitty atmosphere!
Their bored rat faces
make me wanna fuckin' die!
So, yeah, he's right, I am jealous!
I wanted to make movies, not this!
I like Depardieu, Belmondo, Dewaere!
I hate these shitty sets!
I don't give a fuck!
How low I've fallen!
What am I doing here?
You, you fuck...
Go on.
Lick the floor.
Go on.
Lick it!
First of all, what should I imagine?
Is there food on the floor?
Direct me.
I can't just do it.
You're gonna lick a bum's puke
because you're a stray dog
that lives in a garbage dump.
I just wrote the scenario!
Go on, lick it.
Do it!
Do it before I blow your face off.
I'll count to 5. Do it.
I don't care anymore. Look at me.
I'm beyond caring now.
Go on, do it!
Go on. 1...
2...
3...
4...
Where did you come from,
you moron?
Are you OK? Hold on, don't move.
Keep still.
Everything's under control.
I'm handling things.
You can relax now.
I'm in charge again.
I've had enough.
I've been patient,
but I've had it up to here.
You're all cretins.
I've never seen anything like it.
Well, I'm getting out of here.
So, go home!
Shut up, you fool!
OK...
He surprised me so much,
I don't know what to say.
Honestly...
Frankly, I take it all back.
You were...
masterful. Really...
I was too quick to judge,
so, sorry.
I take back all I said.
I take my hat off to you.
Can we give him a big hand?
Honestly, it was magic!
Bravo, Paul Rivire!
Hats off!
THE CUCKOLD
It's 3:40 PM.
Dr. Bertrand shouldn't be long
because, in fact, we had
an appointment at 3:40 PM... in fact.
Hello, Madeleine
I'm listening. Tell me everything.
Hello, Doctor.
I did all the tests you asked for,
that I was supposed to do.
Very good.
So, what are your conclusions?
Well, despite all the tests
you asked me to do,
that I did on this patient,
I'm unable to give you
a detailed diagnosis
because according to the tests' results,
it would seem that this patient
is quite simply in a coma.
I see.
You mean that, despite the tests
I asked you to do on this patient,
you haven't noticed anything else
about this patient, Madeleine?
Is that what the tests say?
Yes, Doctor. I haven't noticed
anything other than the fact
that he is in a deep coma.
Completely, according to the tests.
Sorry, Yannick,
I'm not making fun of you, but...
do we keep the mistakes?
Say it like it's written.
We keep them, OK.
...according to the tests.
Are you certain about that?
And lastly,
are you certain you did the tests
correctly?
Absolutely, Dr. Bertrand.
I followed
all the... potrocol to the letter.
I can say without a shadow of a doubt
that this patient
is indeed in a deep coma.
I'm certain, according to the tests.
Very well.
Don't take it badly, Madeleine...
Let me tell you something.
But you're wrong.
- Pardon?
- That's right.
You're wrong.
I'll prove that this patient isn't
in a coma any more than you or I.
You'll see why.
Kiss him on the lips.
Doctor...
You heard what I said.
Kiss him on the lips. Go on!
Well, really! Why, Doctor?
It's a final test. You'll see why.
OK, here I go.
My God, no! I can't, Doctor.
His breath is awful.
It's worse than the sewers.
I don't know if I can.
Don't be ridiculous, Madeleine.
You are able to do this final test.
I'm asking you
for the sake of science.
Alright, I'll do it
for the sake of science.
My God, he moved!
There we are!
As you just saw,
this patient
you did the final test on
is not in a coma.
He suffers
from a far more serious disease
which is far more common
than a mere coma, Madeleine.
What, then? Is he a zombie?
Not at all.
It will surprise you,
but I will tell you though.
And you will listen to me carefully.
And you will be amazed.
This patient, Madeleine,
is lovesick.
Lovesick?!
Yes.
I recently discovered, while conducting
secret neurological research...
that many patients
we think are in a coma
are, in fact, inanimate
due to a lack of love.
Incredible, isn't it?
Nature is fascinating.
Mind you, forgive me, Doctor, but...
with his breath, mind you,
it's understandable.
I just don't!
I don't know how else to say it.
I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.
I just don't believe it!
I don't believe it.
Words fail me. I don't believe it.
- I don't believe it.
- Oh, come on!
Words fail me.
I'm devastated.
No, worse than that: I'm crushed.
Now, excuse me.
I need to eat.
Oh, come on!
You know what?
It's ruined my appetite.
I'm not hungry. I'm disgusted.
Thanks!
Oh, come on.
You must've expected it.
No, I didn't.
I know they say it happens
to all men at least once.
I didn't think it'd happen to me
at my age. Not like this!
Couldn't you wait
till the weekend to tell me?
No, I felt like telling you tonight.
Oh, did you?
Yes.
Madam felt like it!
You're lucky
to do things you feel like.
Take me...
I feel like eating lobster.
That's what I'd like.
But what is there?
Oh, look!
Corn with butter, for a change!
What a treat! I'm gonna enjoy this!
Corn is yellow. That's for cuckolds.
Is it a hint?
No!
I thought you'd like it.
I didn't know yellow was for cuckolds!
You thought I'd like it?
OK, let's do this.
Where did you meet that cretin?
Stop it!
You know the walls are paper-thin!
Let me think...
With his ugly face, I bet he's a banker!
You met him at the bank!
Serge, please keep your voice down.
Sorry, but this is my home.
I can say what I want!
Why has he been in the bathroom for ages?
It's not normal!
Oh, be nice. He's sick!
Nice?!
Nice to the guy
who's stealing my wife?
Yes, be nice.
He picked up a terrible superbug
on safari in Kenya.
His insides are a total mess.
It's no fun!
Jeez, Madeleine!
Let me sum it up.
It's hard to hear you're cheating on me
on a Tuesday night.
So be it.
But on top of that, it's with a guy
who has gut trouble!
Do you want me to kill myself?
What next?
Will you tell me you're pregnant?
You don't understand,
you don't listen to me.
That's the problem.
It's purely platonic.
- Sure it is!
- Of course!
That goes right over your head.
Well, it exists, you know.
Yeah, in your dumb novels.
Look, I knew it was a bad idea
for you to read.
It's a bad influence on you.
"Platonic"... Bullshit!
Fred warned me:
"Watch out, buddy.
"If she reads romance novels,
you're in for trouble."
He was right.
I don't just read novels.
I subscribed to that science magazine.
Well, about time!
I hope he cleaned up.
I don't want to catch his superbug.
Stop it!
Sorry it took so long.
We took the opportunity to talk.
Don't worry about us.
We had a lot to say.
We don't split up every night!
By the way, do you want a bite to eat?
We didn't ask. So rude.
I don't know...
Yes, why not?
No, I don't think so.
Let's go, darling.
What's the rush?
We have time, no?
Let me spend time
with my replacement.
It's now or never, isn't it?
Go ahead.
Open the fridge and help yourself.
No, Bruno, get your jacket.
We're going.
Well, he seems nice.
Let's stay for 5 minutes.
He is. That's not the problem.
Are you afraid
we'll become friends?
No, I don't want him
to open the fridge.
Well, I'd like him to.
I want to spend time
with my replacement.
So, help yourself.
Sit down. We guys will chat.
I'll tell you a few things
about your new chick.
You'll see, she's full of surprises.
Very amusing!
So, do I open the fridge or not?
Open it! I'd like that.
Bruno, if you do, I warn you...
What?
Show her you're a man. Open it!
I'm warning you...
- Open it!
- Don't open it.
Pardon me.
Sorry to interrupt.
I know it's not right.
I'll be quick
so I don't disturb you too much.
First of all, good evening.
I'm Yannick.
I'm speaking up.
Don't get offended,
but I don't find this entertaining.
Sorry to be so blunt.
It can't be nice to hear,
but I paid for something entertaining
and I'm supposed to feel good.
It feels like quite the opposite.
You're adding to my problems,
not making me forget mine.
So, that ain't right, right?
There's a problem.
Nonsense!
I don't think you fully realize,
but that's not the done thing.
I know. I apologize once again.
It's just that I got organized
to come here tonight.
I'm a night watchman,
I work 7 days a week.
I had to take a day off work.
You probably don't realize,
but it's complicated.
I can't do it often.
I need to ask my boss
and get a colleague to replace me.
So, if I take a day off work
to be entertained,
I wanna be entertained.
Otherwise, it's a catastrophe.
I'm not saying it's deliberate.
I know you're just the actors.
It's not your fault.
I expect someone is responsible.
A director, right?
Yes, he's the playwright, too.
I should talk to him.
That would be wiser.
Can you get him out here
so I can explain my problem?
Look, let's make it even easier.
I'll give you his number,
you can go call him
and tell him,
so we can get back to work, OK?
You're joking! Isn't he here?
No.
The guy in charge
isn't here to check
you do good work.
What?
Wait...
Hold on...
It's normal it goes wrong
if the captain isn't here.
What the hell is this?
No, you're making it all go wrong.
Yeah, we'll do this play
at least 60 times,
so the director can't be here
every night.
So, this is a madhouse!
What is this dive?
What if a restaurant chef
didn't show up?
How crass!
It's not the same.
It is.
Customers pay for a service.
If it isn't satisfactory,
you need to complain to the boss.
If I order some meat
in a restaurant
and I find hair on my plate,
what do I do if I'm told
the cook isn't there?
We understand your restaurant metaphor,
but we're different.
This is a stage. It's art, OK?
- Art?!
- It's not a piece of meat, OK?
That's a good 'un. Art!
I didn't pay for that!
Think I'm the culture secretary?
I want a nice change.
That's a different ballgame.
What's art anyway?
I won't start arguing...
We're all artists, aren't we?
I could draw a banana and 3 apricots
on a kitchen table
if I had the time.
Let's stop this
because you're being a pain.
You can't ruin everyone's night
with a monologue.
If you don't like the play,
you can leave.
You can get a refund.
- Just go
- Yeah!
That's too easy.
I took a day off work to come here.
The money is one thing,
but my whole evening has been ruined.
You can't pay for that.
Don't you see?
Time is a precious thing.
I don't have 50 days' vacation.
I can't waste a day on this disaster,
especially if it gets me down.
- OK, enough!
- What?
OK, we get it,
you're not happy.
Don't bug everyone.
You're a pain.
How long did it take you
to get here?
- What's it to you?
- Listen...
It took me 45 minutes
on the train from Melun,
plus a 15-minute walk, OK?
Do the math, it's a long commute!
Then, I have to go back.
So, double it.
That's your problem, pal.
Sorry, no-one cares!
I'm explaining my frustration.
You got your message across.
I'm telling you...
The problem is, I feel worse
than when I came in here.
That's why I'm speaking up.
I have a shitty life.
I don't feel on top form,
psychologically speaking.
A show
that's supposed to cheer me up
has the opposite effect.
Sorry, but I can't take it.
I just can't.
That's subjective.
Nothing we can do about it.
Subjective?
Suddenly, he's using big words!
Subjective works both ways.
You subjectively think
the play is worthwhile.
Let's stop.
No, not for one guy.
Let's carry on.
Carry on after all that? Really?
Yes, who cares?
Let's pretend it's an intermission.
- We can't back down.
- OK.
Hold on, you don't understand.
Enough...
You artists will drive me crazy!
Are you listening
or am I pissing in the wind?
You're not carrying on.
You wanna torture me?
Your crap isn't helping.
Get it into your heads!
What do you expect us to do?
- Do something else.
- Pardon?
Do something else.
Something less artistic.
You must know other stuff.
It's your job.
Look, we're not musicians.
We don't do requests!
There's at least 6 months'
rehearsals here.
Who the hell is this guy?
Where's he from?
Melun. I told you.
You need to listen.
I think you're from Ballbusterville.
No, Melun, east of Paris.
He answers back...
I think it's too easy to judge.
Even if you don't like it,
you should respect their work.
No-one criticizes your work
as a night watchman.
No chance of that.
I'm on my own
in the parking lot.
I do my job properly.
No thefts or damage in 3 years.
The job's done properly.
Guaranteed!
As for them...
I'm sorry, I'm no expert...
If I feel bad
when I watch the play,
then it must be shit.
Get out.
- Throw this jerk out.
- What?
- Out.
- Why?
It was amusing,
but you've gone way too far.
No-one cares.
You're not the only person here. Now go.
You can't stand criticism.
Everyone has to like it, right?
I can stand criticism,
but not during the play.
This sabotage is unacceptable.
Go before I get really angry.
What about my opinion?
I don't give a flying fuck!
It's no fun, but too bad.
Now get the hell outta here!
That's not very nice.
I took a day off.
A 45-minute train ride,
a 15-minute walk to come here.
You throw me out...
Shut up! You'll drive us crazy!
Beat it! Loser!
Can I get my coat?
Or get fucked?
Your problem, pal!
Holy cow!
You OK?
Well, that was a first.
I swear!
"A 45-minute train ride
and a 15-minute walk."
What a nightmare! Right?
What a jerk.
Now where were we?
- There you are.
- Thanks.
You didn't stay long.
Didn't you like it?
They're clapping?
Yeah.
I took a day off work.
I had to ask my boss.
The show doesn't cheer me up.
Where were we?
- The fridge.
- Right.
Should we start over,
for the energy?
- No.
- Forget it.
- I open it?
- Just before.
Oh, OK.
Come on!
It's not easy to get back into it.
Please bear with us.
OK, let's go.
Let's go.
Imagine you go to a restaurant.
You order some meat
and there's a hair on the plate.
Stop it. Let's just concentrate
or we won't manage. Go on.
Oh, come on.
Positions.
I've thought it over.
I don't agree
with what just happened.
He's got a gun!
I can't digest it.
What's my name again?
I'm talking to you actors.
Has one of you had the good grace
to remember my name?
No?
Thought so.
You didn't bother to listen.
- Patrick?
- No.
Good try, but no.
My name's Yannick.
I told you at the start.
Yannick!
In Hebrew, it means
"God is gracious".
I saw that recently on Google.
Funny, that. "God is gracious"!
Sir... Yannick...
Sorry, I yelled at you,
but I didn't mean to insult you or...
It's just that I had to
handle a tricky situation
for us and for the audience.
So, you can put your gun away.
It's too late for that, pal.
The gun's in my hand.
You're my witnesses.
I politely tried to open up a dialogue.
But he preferred
to get on his high horse
and throw me out.
So, that's it.
Not my fault. Sit down.
I'm not a marksman.
I'm a parking attendant.
So, I don't know
how to use this.
It could go off at any moment.
So...
now you know.
OK...
Let's play a little game.
Did anyone bring their computer,
by any chance?
Someone must have come
straight from work with their computer.
You bureaucrats...
Where are you hiding tonight?
I've got a PC.
What?
A PC. A laptop.
- Is that a computer?
- Yes.
Why don't you say that, then?
Why invent some dumb word?
Is it charged?
It should be.
Well, bring it over here.
I warn you,
if anyone tries to call the cops
or tries to pull a fast one,
I won't hesitate,
I'll shoot 'em at once.
What's my name again?
Yannick.
Easy, see?!
You need a gun now
to get some respect.
What a world!
Honestly!
- It's booting up.
- OK, get lost.
Now then...
What's this shit?
It wants a password.
You need to enter the password.
I'm listening.
Vaginal.
Sorry, it was a joke with a colleague.
I didn't expect to say it out loud.
You're all degenerates in here!
What a sick password!
How do you spell it?
V-A...
Take it easy! I'm not a typist!
V...
A...
- V-A what?
- G.
I...
I... Go on.
N-A-L.
Vaginal. Ridiculous!
Enter.
It seems to work.
It's slow to start.
I told you it's my day off.
I have plenty of time.
Now what?
I'm regaining control.
I'll show you.
Don't rile me.
Control of what?
Brigitte Bardot, you're stressing me out!
Don't stay there.
I want nobody behind me, OK?
Stay still. I'm cool, but...
things could go down the tubes
at any moment.
OK?
Right, it seems to be working.
I don't believe it.
The desktop is a chick on all fours
in her panties!
You got a problem, man!
Look.
Shit!
Anyway, what was I gonna say?
You got software to type text?
There's an icon at the bottom left.
Word, that's word processing.
Click on it, it'll open.
Bottom left. Where is it?
I can't imagine
how often you jerked off to this!
Is the girl underage?
No.
Forget it.
The very idea disgusts me.
OK, the icon at the bottom left...
I see it.
I click...
No good.
You have to double-click.
It's complicated.
Give me a hand, Mr. Subjective.
You look like a computer geek.
Open it for me.
Easy! I'm high on adrenaline.
Don't do anything funny.
No, I won't do anything funny.
There you are.
Give me a white page to write on.
So, new document...
There.
- It's ready.
- I can write there?
If you type, it'll appear on the page.
It's simple.
It's like a typewriter.
You can correct things.
Don't blind me with science.
Your breath stinks.
It's unbearable.
Move!
I tell you, it's gross!
So...
We're ready. Here goes.
I'll explain.
So, the great actor you see here...
What's your name?
Paul Rivire.
That's it.
So, the great actor you see before you
who wasn't really on form tonight...
He condescendingly told me
I didn't know anything about art.
You heard him.
He yelled at me like I'm his dog.
That's pretty much what happened.
Now, the way I see it,
I'm convinced their play is shit.
Sorry, it's a pretty radical view,
but it's sincere.
That's what caused our falling-out.
Right?
- Yes.
- That's about it.
So, now I intend
to put it right.
Contrary to appearances,
I'm a positive guy at heart.
Even if I'm not doing too well,
as I said.
I keep my head up
and I prefer
to take the bull by the horns
than let things get me down.
The bull here is this crappy play
that I took the liberty of interrupting.
You get the metaphor.
So, what'll I do now?
It's simple.
I'll sit here for a while
with this computer
kindly loaned to me
by that pervert.
And I'll write a new show
which will prove to everyone
that a parking attendant is also capable
of doing something more entertaining
than that tired old crap
we had to endure just now.
I'll write a new play
which they'll perform as best they can.
And it'll cheer us all up
and we'll go home,
feeling comforted
because that's
what we all came for tonight.
So, here we go.
Give me a cigarette.
It'll help me think.
I can see from your skin
that you smoke.
Am I right?
- Well, my character smokes.
- Yeah, right.
I study people.
Light it for me
and stick it in my mouth.
I'm not hitting on you.
It's OK, you're safe.
I don't bite!
So...
Here goes...
Yeah, here goes.
- Yannick...
- Don't interrupt.
I'm feeling inspired.
Don't distract me just now.
Do you need to pee?
No, it's just that I see
that you're writing slowly...
Well, that's only natural
because you don't know...
the keyboard or the...
I type very fast because...
I'm not just an actor.
I write things at home, too...
So, I type fast.
So, I wanted to say... If you like,
tell me what you want to say
and I'll type it for you.
Think I'm a moron?
You're trying to screw me.
No, I don't think you...
I'll do it fine on my own.
I don't need anyone.
Leave me alone. All of you.
If anyone needs to relieve themselves,
or whatever, it's up to you.
Do it quietly in a corner.
It's not a problem!
End of.
I'll carry on.
Mr. Yannick...
Don't keep interrupting me.
What's your problem?
I understand what you're doing.
It's very courageous.
But this just isn't realistic.
What isn't?
Let's meet up another day.
Without the gun.
We go to a bar and swap ideas.
- It could be very worthwhile.
- Yes.
You can't hold people hostage.
It's inhuman.
Take it down a notch.
Do you think we're friends?
- No...
- What the hell?
It's now or never.
I'm a busy man.
First of all.
For the hostage situation, it's the same
when you do your vaudeville crap.
They can't move.
They have to keep quiet and clap
and wait for the end to stand up.
It's a hostage situation, too.
Think about it while I work.
You might come to your senses.
Now leave me in peace.
What's going on?
He has a gun, he's crazy.
- A gun?
- We're hostages.
What? Fuck!
What're you doing here?
Nothing.
I just wondered why... It's very late...
I explained it already.
You missed your chance.
Make yourself useful,
go get a printer. I'll need one.
There must be an office.
Yes, there is.
There must be a printer. Bring it.
OK.
Be careful. If you call the cops,
I'll shoot someone.
OK.
Bring some paper.
Sorry.
What the hell's that?
Couldn't you find a bigger one?!
Sorry.
Where do I put it?
On the table.
Know how to connect it?
I think I need to find
an extension cable.
Enough technical crap.
Just hook it up.
- Sorry.
- I'm concentrating.
So...
Your machine's going like crazy!
What speed!
With this, Jules Verne's books
would've come out in a flash!
Progress is amazing, isn't it?
Yeah...
I'm boring you.
No.
I can see I am, kiddo.
Go sit down.
Your job's done. Thanks.
Now come over here, you clowns.
Don't get me wrong,
I said "clowns" affectionately.
I went to the circus a lot
with my parents.
They're dead,
so it brings back fond memories.
So...
here are your lines.
If they're out of order,
check the numbers
and put 'em in the right order.
Here's the cast: you're the doc.
You: patient.
You: nurse.
No...
Is nurse not good enough for you?
You wanna be a surgeon?
No, it's just...
The set's a kitchen.
That doesn't matter.
Forget it.
People can imagine it's a clinic.
You'll see, it'll be magic,
don't worry.
OK, read it through together
quietly in a corner.
Rehearse, warm up,
whatever it is you do.
When you're ready, call me.
I'll give you directions.
OK?
Get to work. Over to you.
Is this for real?
Unbelievable!
- Crazy...
- Jump him.
Pardon?
Jump him and smash his face in!
What the hell?
No, we gotta do as he says.
You big fuckin' sissies!
You can take him out.
He's got a gun.
No, forget it.
What...?
Stop whispering.
I don't like that.
We're learning our lines.
You don't have to do that.
You're not at school.
You can hold the fuckin' pages.
Great. It'll make things easier.
OK.
Sorry for the delay.
I hope it's not too long.
Still having a good evening?
Well...
Yes, it's OK...
You together?
Yes.
Yes.
That's good.
I used to have a woman.
With my work, it wasn't ideal
to see each other.
She was a pain.
What do you do for a living?
We run a driving school.
That's funny. So, what do you do?
You give driving lessons?
No, we...
We're in charge of the firm.
OK, I see.
Does it make good money?
Not bad.
We're not rich.
No, but we can't complain.
You mustn't complain.
As they say,
you take what you can in life.
Am I right?
I agree.
So, you spend your days together?
- In the driving school?
- Yes.
Doesn't it get tiring,
being together all day
and then, all evening
at home, too?
No, you get used to it.
And we're still in love.
Yes.
That's cute.
What was I gonna say?
So, you must get up to dirty stuff
in the back office?
When it's quiet.
No...
There's no back office.
You must have done it once.
No, I don't think so.
And we're rarely alone.
There's the staff...
And it's not our thing.
Not your thing?
Mating is everyone's thing, ma'am.
It's universal.
Stroke her thigh.
Pardon?
Touch your wife.
Show me what you do.
I'm interested.
I'm joking!
He believed me!
I'm joking. I'm not a pervert!
I was lightening the mood.
Oh, OK.
I'll leave you alone.
Well, I enjoyed...
our little chat.
Have a good evening.
Thank you.
You're nice. I'll remember that.
Very nice.
Hey, kid, stay with us.
We're starting again soon.
Sorry.
Are you tired?
No, I just nodded off.
It's not normal at your age.
Old folks do that usually.
Even your mom's stayed awake.
It's 11:30. What's wrong?
Nothing.
- You are his mother, right?
- Yes.
You have to be careful what you say
about these things nowadays.
You see strange couples these days.
Know who I mean?
Man, oh, man!
So why so tired, fella? What's wrong?
- I'm OK.
- He's on medication.
He's tired because of the tranquilizers.
He's chronically anxious.
Really? How come?
We don't know.
They don't know.
That's kinda rough for a kid, I expect.
Yes, it is.
Your big scary glasses
must be making him anxious!
Not at all.
Hey, I'm joking!
Does no-one get my humor?
I keep getting flops.
Did you see some of the show
or did you sleep through it?
No, I saw it.
What did you think before I stepped in?
Did you like it?
Not really.
That's reassuring. It wasn't good.
The actors aren't bad.
Not bad?
Yeah.
Your pills must be strong!
They distort your perception of reality!
You're stoned.
It's not possible!
I can't act this shit.
The grammar mistakes!
Let's just do it.
It doesn't matter.
It does matter.
We'll look like goddam idiots.
- Do something.
- I don't wanna die.
Die, how? Is it even a real gun?
Yeah, we don't know.
Of course it's a fake.
He's a loser with a fake gun.
Look at him.
He's getting the audience on his side.
I don't believe it!
It's unbearable.
Paul, if you save the day,
I'll sleep with you.
What?
I promise,
get us out of this shit
and you can take me however you want:
from behind, upside down...
But take out that guy.
- What?
- You're insane.
I don't give a shit anymore.
You can't sleep with me for nothing?!
It's to motivate you.
I've got no money on me,
so you can fuck me,
but get us out of here.
Go on. He's not looking.
Jump him!
Actually,
we got free tickets off a friend.
Yeah.
Did you agree with what I said before?
We didn't really think about it.
No, we don't really have
a critical eye.
But we understand.
You had a 45-minute journey.
And a 15-minute walk.
- That's a lot.
- Yeah.
So, you're more demanding than us.
- We live nearby, so it's OK.
- Yeah.
Really?
That's news.
It doesn't fall on deaf ears!
How can I put it? Can I sleep
at your place if it's not over too late?
- Well, we don't live together.
- No.
Whichever. I just don't wanna stress
over missing the last train.
It's easier for me...
I only have 1 bedroom,
so there's not...
You have a pull-out sofa.
- What?
- You have a sofa bed.
Your place is much bigger.
It's not the same, there's my cat.
- So?
- He's tricky.
Don't bother coming up with excuses.
You don't want me there.
I don't dream
of seeing your dirty socks!
Calm down, you broads, OK?
So, is there anyone generous
here tonight
who'd put me up?
So I don't stress
over missing the last train.
Me!
If you stop all this crap now
and if you let everyone leave...
I can give you an attic room.
You were rude to me before.
Don't dictate to me.
This is the key to your apartment
and your country house, OK?
- I do as I like.
- So, don't ask.
- What?
- Don't bother asking.
If you know you can do
as you please with that gun...
don't ask.
You've got a point.
Why do I bother?
I'll sleep on your sofa bed.
OK, I don't mind.
I'm sure you're not mean.
Of course.
You're seeing me in a bad light,
but I'm a sweetie, don't worry.
But I don't like cats.
Lock it up
so it doesn't bug me in my sleep.
- She has the cat.
- Yeah.
Oh, OK, fine. It's a deal, then.
The sofa bed it is!
That's settled. Great.
If I find someone to buy me a nice meal,
this could become
the best night of my life!
I like where this is going.
You've got a nice face. Hi!
'Evening.
How about grabbing a bite to eat
after the show?
Why not? But it's late.
Everything will be shut.
This is Paris.
There must be a tavern or something.
It's not easy around here.
Really?
There's the Pig's Trotter.
Near Les Halles.
It's nice, they serve all night.
Now I know your weird password,
I'll do without your culinary tips.
The Pig's Trotter suits you!
The pig that gets his kicks!
We'll find something.
Even Arabic food - I'm not choosy.
A kebab?
Yeah, I think we can find that.
Always a solution.
Don't just say no.
Many people are like that.
Say yes first, not no,
even if you're wrong.
Sir... Yannick?
A word?
I'd completely forgotten about him.
We were so happy, chatting
that I'd forgotten about this shit!
A word?
What? Are you ready?
What's going on?
Something's wrong.
Is it my lines?
No, that's not the problem.
Tell me. I won't be offended.
I won't go to the Oscars with it!
How can I put it?
It's weird that you're getting on
with the audience
while we're hostages.
Yeah, it's an unpleasant situation.
It's very humiliating, see?
Either you hold everyone up...
Your choice, you're armed.
Or you don't hold anyone up.
That's also an option.
But you can't hold some people up.
Something's wrong.
That's not how it works.
What do you mean, Brains?
Who am I not holding up?
The audience.
You're joking with them.
It's very ambiguous.
Hold on... You're ambiguous,
whispering like that.
I speak out loud, OK?
What's it to you
who I have a laugh with?
Sure. Let me explain it differently.
- You want us to act properly
- Yep.
- You want people to enjoy it.
- Yep.
You want people
to go home, feeling comforted.
That's the goal, yes.
If you want the project to work,
it's very important
that people are on our side.
Not on your side, but our side.
That's very important.
Understand? Otherwise, it won't work.
Understand?
OK, I get it.
You're jealous 'cause they like me.
He's jealous!
- Give it back.
- Gotcha!
You didn't. Give it back.
He got you good!
Not so clever now!
It's not like before!
Did you believe-me, you nutter?
It'll end badly. Give it.
OK. Is it loaded?
- Is it real?
- Give it a try.
Is it loaded?
You can't even hold it properly.
- Give it back.
- You loser! Look.
No-one looks at you without this.
No-one gives a shit about you!
I know. There's no need to be harsh.
Give it back.
Stop it, you poor fool.
You're lost for words now.
"Give it back."
"Give it back."
How old are you? 8 and a half?!
What'll you do?
You need to calm down,
give me my gun back,
and perform the play I wrote,
as planned.
Sure we will!
I've never seen such shit!
It's hopeless!
As he said, it's subjective.
Shut your face! Shut up!
Put your hands up.
- Hands up!
- Like in cowboy movies?
Yeah, I'm a cowboy. Hands up!
Hands up, baby, hands up!
Shut up!
No, stop it and shut up!
Get down on the floor.
Get down!
What for?
Call the cops.
- What?
- The cops.
I'm handling this, OK?
Let me handle it.
This is a bit weird.
He's right.
Did you have the balls
to intervene? No.
You didn't move.
I took all the risks, so leave it to me.
- No...
- Stop!
Fuck!
It's a high-pressure situation.
I've just done a heroic deed!
Can't I vent for a second,
just for the hell of it?
So, shut your face!
Don't yell at them.
You'll have a heart attack.
What's going on?
I'll have a heart attack
if I want!
Now get down on the floor.
I won't keep saying it. Go on.
Be precise. How?
Lying down? Sitting up?
Get down on the floor!
OK, I'm on all fours.
There's no need to get worked up.
That's good.
Look at me.
Know what you'll do now?
You're going to bark.
Go on, bark like a little dog.
It's embarrassing.
What's your problem?
What?
Can't I belittle him
for my own pleasure?
Stop defending him.
The guy has been terrorizing you
for 2 hours!
Now you love him!
- No...
- What, then?
You are kinda jealous!
Stop it. I'm sick of it!
You're the only one laughing here!
"I had a 15-minute walk"!
I'm sick of it, pal!
I've had enough!
More than enough!
Lick the floor.
You've lost the plot now.
You're showing your dark side.
That's not right.
Lick it now.
Think of the audience.
What'll they think of you?
I don't care about the audience.
I don't give a damn about them.
He's right.
What we do every night is shit.
Isn't it?
Now is not the time...
It isn't worth a damn.
Look, they're bored shitless.
The place is half-empty.
And their faces...
Shitty atmosphere!
Their bored rat faces
make me wanna fuckin' die!
So, yeah, he's right, I am jealous!
I wanted to make movies, not this!
I like Depardieu, Belmondo, Dewaere!
I hate these shitty sets!
I don't give a fuck!
How low I've fallen!
What am I doing here?
You, you fuck...
Go on.
Lick the floor.
Go on.
Lick it!
First of all, what should I imagine?
Is there food on the floor?
Direct me.
I can't just do it.
You're gonna lick a bum's puke
because you're a stray dog
that lives in a garbage dump.
I just wrote the scenario!
Go on, lick it.
Do it!
Do it before I blow your face off.
I'll count to 5. Do it.
I don't care anymore. Look at me.
I'm beyond caring now.
Go on, do it!
Go on. 1...
2...
3...
4...
Where did you come from,
you moron?
Are you OK? Hold on, don't move.
Keep still.
Everything's under control.
I'm handling things.
You can relax now.
I'm in charge again.
I've had enough.
I've been patient,
but I've had it up to here.
You're all cretins.
I've never seen anything like it.
Well, I'm getting out of here.
So, go home!
Shut up, you fool!
OK...
He surprised me so much,
I don't know what to say.
Honestly...
Frankly, I take it all back.
You were...
masterful. Really...
I was too quick to judge,
so, sorry.
I take back all I said.
I take my hat off to you.
Can we give him a big hand?
Honestly, it was magic!
Bravo, Paul Rivire!
Hats off!
THE CUCKOLD
It's 3:40 PM.
Dr. Bertrand shouldn't be long
because, in fact, we had
an appointment at 3:40 PM... in fact.
Hello, Madeleine
I'm listening. Tell me everything.
Hello, Doctor.
I did all the tests you asked for,
that I was supposed to do.
Very good.
So, what are your conclusions?
Well, despite all the tests
you asked me to do,
that I did on this patient,
I'm unable to give you
a detailed diagnosis
because according to the tests' results,
it would seem that this patient
is quite simply in a coma.
I see.
You mean that, despite the tests
I asked you to do on this patient,
you haven't noticed anything else
about this patient, Madeleine?
Is that what the tests say?
Yes, Doctor. I haven't noticed
anything other than the fact
that he is in a deep coma.
Completely, according to the tests.
Sorry, Yannick,
I'm not making fun of you, but...
do we keep the mistakes?
Say it like it's written.
We keep them, OK.
...according to the tests.
Are you certain about that?
And lastly,
are you certain you did the tests
correctly?
Absolutely, Dr. Bertrand.
I followed
all the... potrocol to the letter.
I can say without a shadow of a doubt
that this patient
is indeed in a deep coma.
I'm certain, according to the tests.
Very well.
Don't take it badly, Madeleine...
Let me tell you something.
But you're wrong.
- Pardon?
- That's right.
You're wrong.
I'll prove that this patient isn't
in a coma any more than you or I.
You'll see why.
Kiss him on the lips.
Doctor...
You heard what I said.
Kiss him on the lips. Go on!
Well, really! Why, Doctor?
It's a final test. You'll see why.
OK, here I go.
My God, no! I can't, Doctor.
His breath is awful.
It's worse than the sewers.
I don't know if I can.
Don't be ridiculous, Madeleine.
You are able to do this final test.
I'm asking you
for the sake of science.
Alright, I'll do it
for the sake of science.
My God, he moved!
There we are!
As you just saw,
this patient
you did the final test on
is not in a coma.
He suffers
from a far more serious disease
which is far more common
than a mere coma, Madeleine.
What, then? Is he a zombie?
Not at all.
It will surprise you,
but I will tell you though.
And you will listen to me carefully.
And you will be amazed.
This patient, Madeleine,
is lovesick.
Lovesick?!
Yes.
I recently discovered, while conducting
secret neurological research...
that many patients
we think are in a coma
are, in fact, inanimate
due to a lack of love.
Incredible, isn't it?
Nature is fascinating.
Mind you, forgive me, Doctor, but...
with his breath, mind you,
it's understandable.