You, Me and Dupree (2006) Movie Script

(ALL CAUSE OF YOU PLAYING)
CARL:
You have very beautiful toes.
Did I ever tell you that?
Yes, you have.
I'm not even...
I'm not even a foot guy.
They're not even webbed.
Are you concentrating
on the game,
or are you just lusting
after the feet of your
soon-to-be wife?
I'm concentrating.
(CHUCKLING)
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
NEIL: Carl, it's Neil.
Are you there?
No, we're not.
NEIL: Carl. It's Neil.
There's a problem.
NEIL: There's
a wedding-related problem.
All right, go. Get it.
Hey.
NEIL: I hear you whispering
about not answering me.
Just remember,
when this is all over
it's just you and me.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
NEIL: Carl, if you're humping,
stop, 'cause I'm coming in.
Dude, it's Dupree.
How the hell
did Dupree end up
on the wrong island?
Dupree was born
on the wrong island.
MAN: Gentlemen,
move this out of the way,
please! We're coming through.
Thank you very much.
Right this way, please.
Careful with the boxes.
Ten minutes ago
those were supposed to be out.
Where's Mr. Thompson?
MOLLY:
Dad, this is incredible.
We really didn't
need all this.
I know. But I did.
NEIL: Dupree!
There he is.
Did other people land
on the wrong island?
DUPREE: Guys, I know
I'm in the doghouse,
but come on.
These islands,
Maui, Cowee, Lenowi,
very easy to get mixed up.
Don't worry, you're here.
Don't worry.
I got my head
turned around.
I'm sorry.
Come here, you big lug.
All right.
(PEOPLE CLAPPING)
THOMPSON: Thank you.
Folks, this is
a bittersweet time for me.
A day that Molly's mother,
rest her soul,
and I used to dream about.
On one hand, I'm inheriting
a new son-in-law,
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
but on the other,
Daddy's losing
his only little girl.
Now, when Molly told me
that she was gonna marry Carl,
I said, "Who?"
And Molly said,
"Daddy, he works for you."
I said, "Honey, I've got
But then I started to worry.
Maybe he was some young buck
trying to push me aside,
grab the reins of my company.
And then I met Carl,
sitting in cubicle 26.
And I said,
"You know, I like my chances."
So, ladies and gentlemen,
will you raise your glass
to Molly and Carl,
to health and happiness.
He's funny.
Cheers.
ALL: Hear! Hear!
ALL: One! Two! Three! Carl!
Hey, everybody,
listen up.
Now, wait.
Just wait.
In honor of your
impending nuptials,
I want to perform a feat
that I've used to mark
every special occasion
in our lives since
at least high school.
Ladies and gentlemen,
birds and bees,
I present to you
the Flaming Tornado!
(ALL CHEERING)
Honey, look who's here!
Hi!
This is just
a safety precaution.
Okay. Little room here.
Need to focus.
Barkeep, your finest
Kentucky bourbon,
low-grade tequila...
I've got a mai tai.
Don't let him start
till I get back.
...lemon slices, a funnel,
and an open flame.
NEIL: Yeah!
(PEOPLE SHOUTING AND CHEERING)
Okay. Funnel.
ALL: Tornado! Tornado!
Open flames.
Carl will have the honor.
Will the groom
please light the liquid?
Carl, grab this.
Carl, you got...
Where...
What are you doing?
Do the Tornado.
Maybe later.
NEIL: No!
No.
What are you doing, man?
No, we'll do it later.
Do it now!
MAN: Carl has to be here.
Now!
Let Carl come and do it.
Dude.
I'm doing the Tornado, bitch!
Do that Tornado!
CROWD: Neil! Neil! Neil!
(NEIL BLABBERING)
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
GIRL: Oh, my God!
(SHRIEKING)
Yo, Tornado Man.
This one is for you,
my brother.
Nice one.
Well, I guess this is where
the road ends for you and me.
We had a good run,
though, didn't we?
Hey, Dupree, I'm not dying.
I'm just getting married.
Yeah, I know. Hey, listen.
I feel bad about, you know,
earlier when I was laughing
like a hyena
when Mr. Thompson
was making all those
jokes at your expense.
Well, they weren't
really at my expense.
No, no, no, they were.
It was a shot
across your bow.
Yeah? You think?
It wasn't that funny.
I mean, it was,
but I shouldn't
have been laughing,
'cause I'm your best man,
and I don't want this guy
getting in your head, okay?
'Cause he's in my head
a little bit.
It just...
It's... I don't know.
I don't want you to forget
that you're bringing something
to the table, too, okay?
You've got that...
That Carlness.
That little
twinkle in your eye.
And you're giving it
to me right now.
That little glint
that says they're
never gonna beat you.
They can't lay
a glove on you.
And don't forget that,
because you can't put
a price tag on it.
End of sermon.
Well, thanks, buddy,
I appreciate it.
But, you know, I really think
he was kidding around.
Yeah.
Guy's got a kind of
a weird sense of humor.
Besides, it's not like
I'm gonna be working for him
for the rest of my life.
You know,
I got plans of my own.
There it is.
There's that Carlness.
They can't lay
a glove on you,
can they?
God, I admire you.
I really do.
That's no secret.
(SIGHS)
Thanks, buddy. Thanks.
Oh, I wanted to give you this.
You know,
for being my best man.
You got to be shitting me.
It's a flask!
You like it?
I love this.
Good.
Hey, you know, that reminds
me of the groomsmen outfits.
I really like them,
but I'm wondering,
should mine
be a little different
since I'm the best man?
What did you have in mind?
Just like a little
insignia or a patch.
I don't want
people to be confused.
I'm talking
something understated,
like a lightning bolt.
Nothing big.
Lightning bolt?
Something.
Could be cool.
Yeah. I like it.
Although, it is going
to be listed in the program
that you're the best man.
Really?
Uh-huh.
That's pretty good. Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That should be enough.
Now, is Neil gonna be
okay over there?
I'm seeing him,
and it looks like
the tide's coming up.
Neil's gonna be fine.
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
Bingo!
MOLLY: Oh, wow!
How many thank-you notes
do you think we have to write?
Well, I counted 111.
Honey, I'm gonna do
half of them.
Oh, come on. Really?
No, no, no. Really.
Dear whoever gave us
this platter, I love it!
Finally a platter.
Just what I always wanted
ever since I was a little boy.
(CHUCKLING)
And now you've made
my platter dreams come true.
That's perfect.
And then you write
and you're done.
Yeah.
And this is Molly.
Molly.
We can't get
to the phone right now.
You've reached the Petersons.
So, if you
leave a message...
Wait for the beep.
...we'll get back to you
as soon as we can.
All right...
Have a beautiful day.
All right, let's do it again.
No. That was really cute.
I called you Carl.
It was really funny.
Molly, it was cheesy.
(LAUGHING)
No, it wasn't cheesy.
Give it to me.
It's totally cheesy.
Give me the machine.
No! It's good cheesy!
Give me the machine.
No!
PACO: ID?
Hey, married guy,
how you doing?
Good morning, Reese.
ID?
Top of the morning, Paco.
So, we're back
from the honeymoon.
Oh, yeah, we...
We had a great time, sir.
It was just...
It was really wonderful.
So I took a look
at your proposal
while you were gone.
The Oaks at Mesa Vista.
You like it?
Did I like it?
I loved it!
It's perfect for lot 208.
If I may, Mr. Thompson, it...
Mesa Vista is really
more of a smaller,
Not anymore, Carl.
You got to think big,
you got to think bold.
You're a married man now.
You're married
to my little girl.
I'm fast-tracking
this project.
And you, sir,
you're the lead designer
on it.
Excuse me, sir?
That's right.
You are the lead designer.
Wow, that's...
Wow, that's...
That's great.
What happened to Harrison?
I had to let him go
while you were gone.
I had a little problem
with Rancho del Mar.
But, Carl,
I believe in you.
You've got it.
It's here and it's here.
Release it.
Okay. I'll do that, sir.
Release it.
(BELL RINGING)
(CHILDREN SHOUTING)
Wow! I can't believe it.
He made you lead designer.
Yeah. Apparently,
he just loved my proposal.
And it's a little bit bigger
than I initially planned,
but you know, hey,
maybe that's a good thing.
So, what does this mean?
Well, it means
I've got my own office.
Which is really great:
Oh, and it's got a view:
A view of trees and some cars.
It's just terrific, and...
Living the dream, honey.
Living the dream.
Maybe we can celebrate
a little when you get
home tonight from guys' night.
Are you trying to seduce me?
(GIGGLING)
I'll see you tonight:
CARL: What's up, guys?
DUPREE: Carl, you made it!
DUPREE:
Intense matches going on.
Guys' night, man!
Hey, there he is!
Guys' night!
Can you feel the fun
for the guys' night?
I can just feel it,
you know?
(WATCH BEEPING)
Shit balls!
(SIGHS)
What's that?
It's my alarm. My hour's up.
That's it for me.
What, are you kidding me?
Bullshit.
Where are you going?
I've got to go
meet my wife
and watch Sisterhood of
the Traveling Ya-Ya Pants:
I don't... How late
do you get to stay out?
I used to have midnight.
Do you get midnight?
'Cause I was late once, and...
I'm a grown man, Neil.
I don't have a curfew.
Not yet you don't.
But in all seriousness,
you got to tell me something,
okay?
(EXHALING)
Do I smell like beer?
Yeah.
Good. Because you know what
I don't smell like, then?
Cigarettes and weed.
That one's free.
Yeah!
(EXCLAIMING)
The dream continues!
Still undefeated!
Yes! Nice.
Will you look at this guy?
Look at you.
Is this what it looks like
to be married?
Come here, man.
It's still early on.
To fidelity, commitment,
the whole shebang.
Yeah, and I also
got a promotion today.
Add it to the list.
Forever blessed
as the dream continues.
How are you doing, buddy?
How am I doing?
Good question.
Turns out I got fired
for taking that week off
to go to the wedding.
Wait a minute.
You got fired?
Apparently,
I never had authorization.
My boss claims
he never received my e-mail.
Then I had a little bit
of a cash flow situation,
so I ended up
losing my apartment.
You're not living
out of your car?
Carl, I'm not an animal.
Plus, it was a company car.
So when I lost the job...
It's okay.
I picked up a ten-speed.
Dave's letting me crash
at the bar after hours.
Dupree,
you can't sleep in a bar.
We're not in our 20s anymore.
Sure you can. I got
a cot set up in the back.
This is ridiculous.
Look, you're gonna
come home and you're
going to stay with us.
That's sweet of you to say,
but I can't impose,
and I won't.
Dupree will land
on his feet as always.
Can I have a toast, please?
Thank you.
Listen, Dupree,
we've got to get
rid of the cot.
Some of the regulars
are starting to complain.
They don't think it's fair
that you get to sleep here
and they don't.
Curley said that, didn't he?
Curley? Curley!
What?
What? You got a problem
with me sleeping on the cot?
We all have a problem
with you sleeping on the cot.
We took a vote.
The ayes have it.
Dupree? Live with us?
Not live.
Just stay for a couple of days
until he gets back
on his feet.
Molly, he's been
sleeping in a bar.
How does that happen?
Who knows? It's Dupree.
I mean, I told you.
His mother moved to
Florida with that yoga idiot,
and all of his friends
are married,
including myself.
He's got nowhere to go.
He's like an orphan.
Wait a second.
What's all this?
This is that celebration
we were supposed to have
about your promotion.
Oh, that's right.
I'm sorry, hon.
Look, Molly,
let me go outside
and tell Dupree
to bring his bags in...
What? Dupree's here?
Carl! Carl.
Carl.
Okay, look, you're right.
I screwed up. I did this
all wrong, and I'm sorry.
I should have called first.
You know what?
Maybe I should just give him
some money for a motel.
Carl. Carl.
He's your best friend.
He's here.
He can stay.
That's great, Molly.
Look, it's only gonna
be for a couple days.
Well, a week at the most.
Okay.
After that,
he's out of here.
Keep those candles burning.
I'll be right back.
Okay.
Hey, Molly.
I want you to know I really,
really appreciate this, okay?
Yeah. No. It's really
no problem, Dupree.
Thanks.
Nice moose.
Oh, yeah.
Murphy,
say hello to the missus.
Hi, Murphy.
Come on in, buddy.
Make yourself at home.
Great.
I hope the couch
is okay 'cause
we're working on
everything upstairs.
Oh, yeah. I'm fine anyplace.
And you know
where everything is.
Thank you.
Great.
Thanks.
Thank you. And, hey, listen,
just to put your minds
at ease,
this is not a permanent
situation. Okay?
I'm hitting the job trail,
I'm gonna hit it hard
tomorrow.
Wheels of change
are in motion.
Good. Good.
That's a good attitude.
Despite what my ex-boss said,
I'm not unhirable.
Those copiers didn't exactly
sell themselves.
And frankly, I think
we had an inferior product,
and I'd tell people that
if they asked.
I wasn't going to lie
for that son of...
I don't want to get
started on him, but...
Okay, great.
Well, make yourself at home,
and Molly and I are...
Well,
we're going to go upstairs
and take care of some stuff.
Well, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Listen, we're all adults here.
You're newlyweds.
Making love's
a big part of that.
You're supposed to
explore each other.
I get it.
Come on.
If this situation's
gonna work,
we've got to be honest
with each other.
Now, go on.
Enjoy yourselves.
I'm not gonna listen.
Hump away. Go on,
get out of here.
Good night.
Okay.
Good night.
(ALARM RINGING)
MOLLY: I'm kind of dreading
the talk with his parents.
He hasn't really been treating
anybody very nicely at...
(DUPREE SNORING)
That's not good.
No. Not for us
or our couch.
Computer skills. Not really.
(TOILET FLUSHING)
(HUMMING)
The Oaks at Mesa Vista.
This is exciting, isn't it?
Stunning. Just stunning.
You know, sir, if we're
not gonna have any trees,
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
maybe we should consider
changing the name.
No. No, no,
I love the name.
Names are important, Carl.
Are you gonna
answer that phone?
Give me a second.
What do you want?
Real quick, where
do you keep the plungers?
A plunger? What do you need
a plunger for?
No reason. Just want
to stay on top of stuff.
What do you mean "no reason"?
What happened?
No reason. I just want
to know where things are
in case there's an emergency,
which there probably
never will be.
I don't have time for this.
I'm...
I don't have time for this.
I'm at work. I got to go.
(WATER GURGLING)
You better
make some time for it
'cause we got
a little bit of a situation.
I didn't want to have to
say anything, but...
Carl?
Just stopped.
Where were we?
We were talking
about names, Carl.
How important they are.
Would you ever
consider letting
Molly keep her last name?
I mean, I know
it's a strange request
coming from a father-in-law,
but a man's name
is his legacy,
and if Molly takes yours,
then the Thompson name
dies with me.
Well, there's lots
of Thompsons around,
aren't there?
Not in a direct line, Carl.
No, no, not in a direct line.
Well, what about our kids?
Children should have
the last name of the father,
don't you think?
You're having kids?
Well, not right now,
but eventually.
You know, in certain
Asian cultures, Carl,
the husband
takes the wife's name.
Wait a minute. You just said
a man's legacy is his name.
All right.
What about a hyphen?
A hyphen?
Yeah.
I could ask Molly,
but I don't think she...
Wait a minute. You mean me.
You mean
I'm supposed to hyphenate.
Well, then you can still use
your own name, only you'll be
hyphenating it. It's win-win.
With all due respect,
not for me it isn't, sir.
All right, forget it.
You're obviously upset
about it.
You know what,
I'm sorry I even
brought it up.
Let's keep focused
on your project.
Come on! Come on! Toshi,
what are you doing?
You gave him a meatball!
BOY: Watch the car!
DUPREE: Throw it, throw it.
We got him.
(HORN HONKING)
Throw it, throw it!
Did he touch the plate? He...
Oh, here we go.
The game just turned. Yes!
Carl Peterson,
third team honorable mention.
All-district, 1984.
We get Carl.
BOY: No, we get him.
Hey, what's going on?
There he is.
Hey, sweet heat.
Time to dust off
the old jockstrap.
This kid Dougie's been
killing us all afternoon.
We need your arm out there.
Let's go.
Dupree, I'd love to,
but I can't. I kind of
had a rough day.
And I better go in
and see Molly.
I like it.
Family first. Priorities.
Okay, he can't play.
We're gonna have to
do it ourselves.
Now listen, I want you to
brush him back here, okay?
What's a brushback?
It's where you throw it
really close to him.
Scare him a little bit,
but don't hit him
'cause he's bigger
than you.
But, Mr. Dupree,
I don't even play baseball.
I'm in the orchestra,
remember?
First of all, call me Dupree
'cause I'm your team-mate.
Second of all, so what
if you're in the orchestra.
So was Catfish Hunter.
Let's go. Let's go.
Here we go! Here we go!
Hey, batter, batter...
Hi! How was work?
It was fine.
Good fine? Bad fine?
Fine, fine.
You wouldn't believe
the response I'm getting
for my Career Day program.
And I saved a spot
for you on the 15th
if you're interested.
Yeah, of course.
I'll bring in some blueprints
and maybe even some models.
It'll be fun.
TOSHl: No. Get away.
DOUGIE: You hit me!
You hit me on purpose!
The kids'll really love it.
MAN: No more fighting.
Thank you, that's it!
Hey! Hey! Come on now!
Break it up. That's it!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
you've reached Dupree:
If this is in regards
to employment,
please be aware that my
Class Four driver's license
has expired,
and I am no longer willing
to work with asbestos:
I won't do it:
Can you believe that?
A little chin music
and the whole neighborhood
goes crazy.
It was like...
Oh, and for Carl and Molly,
press two:
Oh, I meant
to tell you about that.
I changed the
answering machine in case
somebody calls about a job.
I'm staying on top
of this job thing.
You guys are okay with that,
right?
We got to put the job first.
Well, Carl,
are we okay with that?
Molly. Molly, come on.
Nice.
HBO: Simply the best:
When did we get HBO?
Yeah, you saw that.
I upgraded us, and I'm
going to go halfsies on it
'cause I love it also.
You get it upstairs,
too.
I think you get
the Oxygen channel, too.
What? What are you doing?
What?
What do you want? Cinemax?
What do you hear?
What do you say?
MOLLY: So, let me get this
straight. I mean, he hijacks
our answering machine.
"Carl and Molly, press two."
Okay?
And then he decides,
"Hey, I'm sleeping
on the couch,
"and I'm gonna order HBO."
I mean, I don't know, Carl.
Am I wrong here?
Carl!
Molly, what do you want
me to do, whack the guy?
Look, I told Dupree
not to change anything
without asking,
and I gave him
a pair of pajamas.
Dupree's gonna
get the hang of this.
He's never truly been
domesticated. He's like
the ape-man of Borneo.
Oh, so we're the lucky ones
who get to housebreak him?
No, you know what I mean,
honey.
I'm over it.
I finished
my thank-you notes today.
Do you need help
with your half?
No, no, no, I...
Candlesticks, bread maker,
Crock-Pot. I got them covered.
It's my final offer.
No, I got them covered.
(MOLLY EXCLAIMING)
Sorry to interrupt. Oh!
Damn it, Dupree!
What is this?
This is an emergency.
I'm sorry.
The downstairs crapper,
it's on the fritz again.
What do you mean,
"It's on the fritz"?
I don't know.
It's on the fritz.
Please tell me he's joking.
We might need some matches.
Does that
answer your question?
MOLLY: Oh, God!
Dupree! Oh, my God. I don't...
Carl! Carl!
Dupree! Dupree?
Yo!
Dupree, what you did
in our bathroom last night
was disgusting.
Molly nearly passed out.
I know, I know.
Believe me.
I'm never eating
Buffalo wings again.
I don't care how much
I love them. I'm off them.
It's weird. I used to have
a stomach like a billy goat,
but not anymore.
Now, I made a little breakfast
for... Molly, great.
Come here.
Morning.
DUPREE: Good morning.
Right here. Let me get
this chair for you here.
Have a seat.
Breakfast is served.
Yes.
I believe Carl told me
you're a fan of
the banana pancake
and the soy macchiato.
One second.
DUPREE: I want
this to be perfect.
Did you tell him all this?
Here you go.
Soy macchiato.
Dupree, you really
didn't have to do all this.
Yes, I did have to do this.
Look, I know I got off
on the wrong foot,
and I just want you both
to know that I really
appreciate this.
And I'm grateful.
I don't know
what to say, but...
Don't say anything.
Just accept my apology
and enjoy this feast.
I'm off to a very promising
job interview
which explains
my natty attire.
Wish me luck. Goodbye.
CARL: Good luck.
Go get them, tiger!
I will. Thank you.
Off like a prom dress.
MANAGER: So, why don't you
describe yourself, Mr. Dupree.
I'm a people person.
Very personable.
I absolutely insist
on enjoying life.
Not so task-oriented.
I'm not a workhorse.
If you're looking
for a Clydesdale,
I'm probably not your man.
Like, I don't live to work.
It's more the other way
around. I work to live.
Incidentally, what's
your policy on Columbus Day?
Yeah, we work.
Really?
The guy discovered
the New World.
I'm afraid to even ask
about Victory over Japan Day.
You have a call waiting
on line:::
Hey, we tried. Right?
Thanks a lot. Yeah.
I'm gonna keep my rsum.
Excuse me.
You've got to lean into it
and commit to it.
That's the way.
You get hurt if you're afraid.
And if you time it
just right, then you both...
There he goes. Come down.
You guys got to
get a rhythm going.
Come on.
Here, watch me. See, I'm just
running down the ramp.
It's actually harder
than on a skateboard.
There we go.
Speed's your friend. Hold on.
Yeah, come down. Go.
You see how he's timing it?
And then he pops it up? Go!
Yes! Go! One more time.
So,
what's going on over here?
Carl, check out this badass
skate ramp I had Aaron's dad
build for us.
Hey, man, I was just
telling these guys how we used
to tear it up back in the day.
Yep! Pretty good.
Hey, I got an idea.
What do you say we put on
a little show for these guys?
Throw down some one-wheelers.
Make it rain out here.
Come on. For a second.
BOY 1: Yeah,
let's see what you got.
BOY 2: Yeah,
show us something.
Okay, give me a board.
Yes! Carl!
Step aside, guys.
Honey, I need some help.
CARL: Yep,
just like back in the day.
DUPREE: Nice!
CARL: Let's show them
how we used to do it.
DUPREE: Step aside.
Step aside.
(BOTH EXHALING)
Well, no one ever said
we were gonna live forever.
Let's go.
Carl! Carl,
what are you doing?
What's it look like
he's doing? He's getting
ready to rip it up.
Relax, Molly.
This is only gonna
take a second.
BOY: Come on, Dupree!
Say when.
When!
Yeah!
(CARL GROANING)
(SHOUTING)
DUPREE: Oh, I'm racked!
Carl!
Oh, I racked
my little Duprees.
When was the last time
you were even on a skateboard?
Oh.
For a second there
we almost had it back.
CARL: Yeah.
CARL: What is this?
Are you kidding me?
Are you kidding me?
Is this some kind of a joke?
Carl,
Thompson wanted more units.
Thought it would work better
as a wraparound.
Wraparound.
Mesa Vista
is not a wraparound.
Hasta maana, Paco.
Good night, boss.
Look, Mr. Thompson.
Hey. You see
the preliminaries?
Yeah, I did, and
it's completely different
than my original proposal.
God damn it, Carl.
Will you stop fighting this?
People buy homes.
Let the government
pay for the parks.
That's why we have taxes.
The Oaks at Mesa Vista
is a money train.
You wanna be on it?
Yeah, I'm on it.
Money train.
I'll give you a money train.
(TV PLAYING)
DUPREE:
Right there! Right there!
You gotta throw it now!
NEIL: Please, please, please!
No, he didn't go over!
No! No! Why?
He didn't make it, man.
Carl! Welcome home!
Come here, buddy!
We got one for you.
DUPREE: Get a beer for him.
What are you guys doing?
We're watching the game.
Yeah, I can see that.
Hey, guys!
Please, shut the hell up
for two seconds
'cause it's
fourth and inches.
Please, just shut up.
You shut up!
NEIL: It's fourth and inches!
Why don't you watch it
in your house?
I can't have friends
over on weeknights
and you know that.
Grow a sac.
It's not my problem, Neil.
Take it up with Annie.
Time for the lion tamer.
Yeah, well, I can't
talk to him like this.
What's going on?
You all right?
Yeah. I'm fine.
God, I've been
watching you lately, man,
and you're really putting in
the hours, but you got
to find some balance.
Find a little Carl time.
You know what I'm saying?
Carl time.
First down, Cougars:
Now Washington State:::
You're right.
Carl time.
Come here.
Molly's got the
Back to School
thing tonight.
We got the house
to ourselves for a while.
Let's watch the game.
Let your hair down.
Let your hair down.
I mean...
You think I've been
overdoing it
with the work thing?
I know you've been
overdoing it.
Yeah. Shake it loose, huh?
Just live a little, man.
Just live a little.
Yeah. You know,
maybe I ought to
make my nachos.
Nice!
Yes!
Carl time!
NEIL: Nachos, Carl nachos
are in my belly.
CARL: Hey, Neil,
turn up the volume.
Okay. Yeah, yeah.
You know who else loves
Carl's nachos is Eddie.
Give him a call.
I already did.
Carl, soup them up, man!
Make them spicy!
Okay, guys.
This is it. This is it.
Come on. Just come on.
Please. Please, God!
Send everybody!
Send everybody!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Damn!
DUPREE: No, no.
NEIL: No, no.
No!
No, no!
No! No!
No!
Yes!
What did I tell you?
That's what I'm saying!
Congratulations, idiots.
Congratulations, guys.
Very good.
Fifty pushups, faggot.
Fifty pushups.
I'm not giving you
any pushups.
That was the deal.
Fine. Okay? Enjoy it.
ALL: One, two...
He has a condition.
ALL: ...three, four.
That's right!
I have a condition.
I should not keep doing this.
Come on!
NEIL: I have a gamey colon,
and it gets spastic
and spasms.
CARL:
You don't have a condition.
Carl. Carl! Neil,
shut up! Carl.
I didn't read that.
Mark, what? What is it, Mark?
Molly.
Hi.
Oh, hey, Molly.
(BLENDER WHIRRING)
CARL: You're home early.
Really?
I just invited
some of the guys over
to watch a little football.
Figured it was just a
little time to loosen up.
A little Carl time.
(WHOOPING)
Me gusta margarita!
Hola, Dupree.
Hola, Molly.
ALL: Charlie.
Brilliant.
CHARLIE: Sorry.
We should go.
You guys want to go?
Yeah, let's get out of here.
That's a good idea.
Let's go to Larry's.
Let's get out of here.
Let it go. Let it go.
CHARLIE: What'd I do
with my tie?
Let's go.
Bye.
Sorry, I ashed on your floor.
Great.
Take that tie off your head.
I'll bring this back tomorrow.
I'll give it to Carl
at the office.
So, don't tell Annie
I was here. And if you do,
don't...
Just don't tell her that
I asked you not to...
Get out, Neil.
Out!
Okay. I'll just go.
I know what you're thinking,
Molly.
But we were gonna have
this rug shampooed.
I promise you.
Oh, and look. Look at that.
It's my grandmother's
silver cheese platter.
You used it to serve nachos.
Well,
nachos have cheese in them.
Let me just start
cleaning up some of...
Dupree, please stop.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Somebody arriving
late for the party.
Don't worry about it.
The party... Game's over!
Go away! The party's over!
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Party... Molly,
for the love of God! Please!
We heard there were
some bad boys in here.
There were, but they left.
(GOT TO BE SOME CHANGES MADE
PLAYING)
You know, Carl, I...
I really think I've been
pretty cool about this
whole situation,
and I hate having
this conversation with you.
But this is not exactly
how I pictured us
getting started.
I know.
Look, Dupree's got to go.
No. It's not about
kicking Dupree out.
It's just that you said
it was gonna be
a couple of days.
Look, Molly.
He's my best friend.
Somehow I feel
responsible for him.
Then maybe it's time
to start prioritizing
your responsibilities.
You're right.
What if he had
a girlfriend?
Good idea.
But how is a guy
with no job, no car,
living on somebody's couch
gonna find
any kind of girlfriend?
Our new librarian.
She seems really nice.
You want to fix Dupree up
with a really nice librarian?
Listen, I know the guy
for 25 years.
I think he's more into
the young, foreign,
non-librarian type.
Well, it wouldn't hurt to ask.
I wouldn't get my hopes up.
I'll do it.
Oh, that's great.
Do you want to know
anything about her?
No. Well, does she have a car?
Yeah. She does.
Good. See if she can swing by
and get me around 8:00.
Or quarter to.
Tonight?
Please.
Okay.
Candy?
Mandy.
Mandy. That's even better.
Librarian.
(MOLLY GIGGLING)
No. No.
I thought you were
really brave.
I mean, I have a whole new
respect for you, Carl.
Well, the rice was okay,
but just for the record,
octopus does not
taste like chicken.
But you ate it.
(FUNKY COLD MEDINA
PLAYING ON STEREO)
What is that?
Funky Cold Medina?
It looks like Dupree
brought his date home.
Honey, what is a tie
doing on our door?
Molly, I think we ought to
drive around the block
a couple times.
Wait a minute. No way.
Mandy's a Mormon.
She's not the kind of girl...
A Mormon?
...who would get busy
on the first date.
You fixed Dupree up
with a Mormon librarian.
Molly, wait!
(SHRIEKING)
Oh, my God.
What?
Let's drive
around the block.
Carl!
That butter dish
was our wedding gift.
Guys, guys! Hold it!
Let me explain.
What was he doing with butter?
Dupree, no need to explain.
It's not what it looks like.
Dupree,
no explanation necessary.
I know.
Go back in the house!
Not before I thank Molly
for the best night of my life.
Mol, Mol. Thank you.
What happened in there,
it was so natural.
So beautiful.
Go back inside.
Listen, I've got neighbors.
I know you do.
But listen to me.
I'm in love.
Dupree. Dupree,
I'm not going to do this
with you tonight!
Jesus! Molly,
call the fire department!
Oh, my...
Carl!
Mandy!
(MANDY SCREAMING)
Mandy! Mandy!
MOLLY: Fire in our house!
It's fire!
CARL: My couch!
DUPREE: Roll!
(MACHINE WHIRRING)
God, I loved this couch.
You know,
when I saw you on fire,
my heart stopped.
I had so much adrenaline
pumping through me,
I probably could have...
Could have picked up this car
and just hurled it 10 blocks.
Are you gonna do this,
or am I gonna have to?
I'll take care of it.
Tonight, Carl.
Go on, get out of here.
Or I'm not responsible
for what these hands
are gonna do. Go!
Bye.
You okay?
Yeah.
Yeah, just a little
smoke inhalation.
Wow. Unbelievable.
Mandy was
completely unharmed.
Fire chief said that
the butter probably
saved her life.
You talk about a miracle.
You just got to thank
the big man.
It's all you can...
What is wrong with you?
Why did you have to use
so many candles?
I was just trying
to set a mood.
You know how I am, Carl.
Yeah. I do.
Look...
It's about time
you got on the road.
You guys need any help?
No, we're good. Relax.
DUPREE: Well,
I had a lovely stay.
Thank you both
for your generosity.
Sorry about last night,
and no hard feelings.
I hope. At least,
there are none on my part.
Okay. Are you sure
you got a place to go?
Yeah. I got a place to go.
Going to Mandy's.
The librarian?
Don't you think
that's kind of moving
a little quickly, Dupree?
Maybe it is, but so what?
Something special
is happening there.
I'm not gonna fight it.
Hey, take care of this
big mook for me.
Bye. See you guys.
Tosh, listen.
You got the heart
of a damn lion.
I respect you.
You took a beating,
but you took it like a man.
God bless all of you.
DUPREE: Goodbye!
Off to Mandy's!
(HORN HONKING)
Oh, my God! Carl.
Okay!
Sir, are you sure
you're okay?
DUPREE: My helmet saved me.
You see that?
He's gonna be fine.
Here's your bag.
Thank you.
Bye!
Bye.
Carl.
Carl?
We've been staring at this
for over two hours.
Let's go get some dinner.
Or margaritas.
Celebrate our emancipation.
The insurance adjuster
recommended that we
sue Dupree.
For a moose head?
(LAUGHING) Just curious.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
It was the margarita
that did it, wasn't it?
It was the emancipation
that did it.
(SMOOTH OPERATOR
PLAYING ON RADIO)
CARL: I like this song.
Smooth ta-ta-ria
She makes a smooth margarita
We had some good margaritas
Oh, my God.
What?
Are you kidding me?
What the hell is he doing?
MOLLY: I thought
he was going to Mandy's.
Honey, I don't think
he can see us.
Maybe we should
just keep going.
It's pouring rain outside.
Not that bad.
Honey, look at him.
What?
Damn it.
Molly. Molly!
Dupree!
Dupree.
Dupree, what are you doing?
It's pouring rain outside.
I don't know
what I'm doing anymore.
Yeah, well,
what about Mandy?
Don't ask.
Carl, can you get his bike?
Come on. Let's go.
Let's go home.
MOLLY: Carl, honey, bike.
MOLLY: Carl!
I'm coming!
I really appreciate this,
guys.
Trust me, no more open flames.
I've learned my lesson.
All right, well,
it's been a long night.
So, I'm gonna go to bed.
Dupree, try not to go to sleep
with that head wet. Okay?
Good night, Molly.
Dupree. I don't mean
to come down on you,
but you need to start
getting your life together.
We're grown-ups now.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
I know. I know.
You're right.
And if you're going to
stay here, things are gonna
be different from now on.
No more naked stuff.
Well, it felt natural
to be naked. I...
I don't care!
Okay.
I do not care.
Clean up after yourself,
watch the noise,
try to help out
around the house, please?
It's not too much to ask.
You're right.
Carl? I can be really helpful
when I set my mind to it.
And that's what I'm gonna do.
Oh, and...
Another thing.
Would you mind writing
some thank-you notes for me?
Okay.
Yeah. That'd be great.
Try to get some sleep.
Gut-check time, Dupree.
(TRAIN IN VAIN PLAYING)
(GROANING)
"Dear Aunt Kathy.
"Thank you so much
for the wine glasses."
(PANTING)
And this, of course,
is the point of the race
(PHONE RINGING)
where speed will play
a major factor,
where long months of training
certainly pay off:
Hello?
Yeah, Dupree.
I'm gonna need you
to do me a solid.
Yeah, no problem.
What do you got?
I promised Molly
I would give this Career Day
presentation today at 1:00.
But her father just dropped
a big one on me,
so I'm gonna need you
to step in and fill in for me.
Can you do that?
I don't know, Carl.
I don't know
the first thing about
the development business.
I really think Mr. Thompson
might find me in over my head.
No, not the development
business. School, Dupree.
to fill in for me
at Molly's school:
No, no, no. Not this time.
What?
No, no, I'm talking
to Lance Armstrong.
He's trying to break away
from the pack.
I got him, though.
Will you quit dicking around
with your little Huffy bike
and listen to me?
Hey, Molly.
Dupree, what are you doing?
Carl asked me to fill in.
I guess there was
some sort of work conflict.
What? Conflict?
What kind of conflict?
I don't know.
I don't ask questions.
I just ride
to where I'm needed.
But don't worry.
I'm sort of a
good public speaker.
Oh, no, no. It's a Career Day
presentation, Dupree.
You don't even have a job.
I understand that.
But here's what
I'd love you to do.
Please get Mandy here.
I want her to see this.
I think this will
win her back.
Now where are these
little rug rats?
They're in the third door.
Hey, how are you?
First of all,
thank you for giving me
the opportunity
to come talk to you
on Career Day.
Now, I am not
Mr. Carl Peterson
and I don't have
a career per se.
I guess you could say
my career is living
and loving.
And I do that to the utmost.
DUPREE: She coming?
Keep going? Okay.
I see all you
fresh-faced kidlets,
sitting there
in your neat little rows,
and you're all just pods.
Pods, waiting
for your instructions.
Now some of you are
gonna get zapped right away
and be 15-year-old prodigies,
little midget Olympic gymnasts
with their pictures
on cereal boxes.
Some of you will go on to
college, and you'll find
your rhythm there,
and then go chase down
the titans of industry,
or maybe straighten out
our problems at the UN.
But some of you,
and this is the group that
no one ever comes into
Career Day and addresses,
and it's criminal,
some of you are
just gonna float along,
eating spicy foods,
humming black people's music
into your 30s.
Well into your 30s,
languishing.
This group of pods is gonna
do a lot of languishing.
And you're gonna
take some heat for it.
Sadly, you will.
Europe's a little easier.
They seem to understand
a little better.
So does South America.
I went to Argentina one time,
and everyone just
seemed to be sitting around.
It was beautiful.
But that's okay.
You stay loose. Stay liquid.
Laugh a lot. But be ready.
That's what Dupree's doing
with his life's little pod.
Staying nimble.
Till I get the call
from the mother ship.
My raison d'tat:
Then I'd fight.
Then you'll see Dupree
coming in here throwing seven
different kinds of smoke.
That's fine. The pods
that were supposed
to hear this did.
It'll kick in
when it needs to.
I'm done here.
I told you.
Now, do you think
it went over their head?
No. It was really good.
They got it. They got it.
Now, where's Mandy?
I'm only gonna do this
one more time,
but we got to get her here!
Dupree, Mandy has to...
She had a...
She had a book
that was lost.
I'm sorry, Dupree.
Dupree, wait, wait, wait.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
Dupree, there's something
you need to know about Mandy.
Well, it turns out that she's
a total slut and is sleeping
with half the male faculty.
What? No.
I'm sorry.
My Mandy?
Yeah.
Sorry, Dupree.
I would have never set you up
with her
if I would have known.
Ever.
TEACHER 1: Okay, kids,
back inside.
TEACHER 1: Let's go.
Ever.
With that guy?
TEACHER 2: Great job today,
kids. Yeah. Good teamwork.
TEACHER 2: You did good,
Billy. All right, let's go.
Yeah. All right,
let's get ready
for the next class.
(GRUNTING)
(MAN HUMMING)
Afraid so.
He's not even on the faculty.
There really aren't any more
Audrey Hepburns out there,
are there?
Oh, what a sucker.
Dupree? Dupree?
You talk to Sam
about the zoning issues?
Yeah. And to be honest
with you, sir,
they're still in flux.
Carl, I'm going to the bank
in days, all right?
I cannot have things in flux.
I realize that, sir.
I'll get on it right away.
Carl, sit down, please.
Please just sit down.
You know,
there's something
you said to me
a few days ago
that I just cannot
get out of my mind.
Something about
you and Molly
having children.
Oh, right. Yeah, no.
That was...
That was hypothetical.
That's not something that
we're talking about doing
any time soon.
You know what I did, Carl,
when I started dating again?
No idea.
I got a vasectomy.
A vasectomy?
Yeah.
Okay.
That's a little extreme,
don't you think?
Not really. It's a mild
outpatient procedure.
A little local anesthesia,
snip snip,
sit on a bag of frozen peas
for a night. Voil.
I mean, that was it,
and it's
one hundred percent effective.
Yeah.
Carl, read the literature.
It is reversible.
Seventy percent of the time.
All right. See you get your
shit together, all right?
I want it back on my desk,
this zoning stuff,
by 3:00 today.
All right?
Thank you, Carl.
All right?
Fine: How are you?
"Fine. How are you?"
Oh, fine:
you were great back there:
You weren't so bad yourself:
we'd better get Irving's car
and get out of here:
So you really were serious
about Audrey Hepburn, huh?
She had it all. Style,
grace, ethereal beauty.
Just like I thought Mandy did.
I don't know.
I have a hard time
imagining Audrey Hepburn
getting buttered up
to Funky Cold Medina:
Really? I don't.
The Mouth of Truth:
The legend is that
if you're given to lying
and you put
your hand in there,
it will be bitten off:
I'm still trying to understand
why Carl didn't show up today.
I know he's under
a lot of pressure
right now,
but just lately he seems
like a different person.
No, he's just working
really hard. He gets
like that sometimes.
Maybe if he opened up
a little bit more.
Look, Carl's
never gonna be mistaken
for the great communicator.
I mean, just mention the word
"feelings" or "emotion,"
and you watch his eyes
glaze over. But...
I don't know.
He just puts up a wall.
Well, how do you get past it?
I think you just fight
through it. Patience.
That's what I did.
I ask a lot of questions.
I let him know that I care.
And I just pray
he drops his guard,
'cause when he does,
it's so worth it.
(SCREAMS)
Hello:
You beast!
It was perfectly awful!
That gets me every time,
and I know it's coming.
So, Dupree did a good job?
Did he mention
the mother ship?
Actually, in a weird way,
he was really inspiring.
I didn't know he was so
sensitive. Did you know
he writes poetry?
Poetry?
Yeah.
Man, what a homo.
Wow.
That is really mature, Carl.
Look, honey, I'm sorry
I didn't make it today.
What is going on
with you lately?
Oh, nothing. I'm fine.
You are clearly
not fine, Carl.
So why don't you meet me
halfway here, please.
All right.
You want to know
what's going on?
I'll tell you
what's going on.
I think your father hates me.
What?
Carl. Carl, my father
does not hate you.
He gives you
this big promotion,
which you said
was a dream come true.
Why would he do that?
Because he hates you?
That's exactly
what I'm beginning to think.
For the same reason
he's been systematically
trying to emasculate me
and sterilize me.
Slow down. 'Cause now you're
not making any sense.
I'm not making any sense?
Well, here's something
that should make
perfect sense to you.
Now, everybody knows
that your father,
when he likes somebody,
he invites them out
on a little fishing trip.
Fact. I've never been
invited fishing. Not once.
You hate fishing.
He doesn't know that.
I'm telling you, Molly,
he hates me.
Look, Carl,
I know how my father
gets sometimes. I do.
He pushes people
when he wants results.
And it's frustrating,
I know.
But he doesn't hate you.
And I know you want to do
a great job on this project,
but it's taking over
your life.
And we're supposed
to be having fun.
Why don't you come home
at a decent hour
tomorrow night?
Dupree wants to cook for us.
We'll sit down,
we'll have dinner, relax.
Talk about things
other than work.
And everything
will be okay.
Yeah.
You'll see.
Fine.
Fine.
Yeah.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Hey.
You busy?
No.
Just catching up
on some back issues.
What's going on?
(SIGHING)
I wanted to ask you something.
Yeah?
Would you be offended
if Thompson asked you
to get a vasectomy?
What? Why would he want me
to get a vasectomy?
Carl, I barely know the man!
(SHUSHING) Wait a minute!
Wait! Dupree.
Yes, I'd be offended!
No. Not you.
That's not what I mean.
Just what do you think
of vasectomies?
Cutting off my manhood?
I think it's barbaric.
No one's getting near
that part of my body.
No one, Carl.
Unless, of course,
it's a woman.
And then she better
not have a scalpel.
Of course.
Why would he want me
to get a vasectomy?
He doesn't want you
to get a vasectomy.
It was
a hypothetical question.
Okay.
Just forget I asked.
Don't joke with me
like that, man.
Go back to your reading.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
Watch that heat.
Slow stirring, Molly.
How are my game hens doing?
MOLLY: Wow.
DUPREE: Gorgeous.
Okay, get started
on the salad.
Put some walnuts in.
I'll take care of this.
Okay. How'd you
learn all this?
Most of it I picked up
in a six-week series,
Treasures of Tuscany:
The garlic technique,
however, I got from
watching Goodfellas:
I actually make
an incredible risotto,
but I want to keep it
low carb tonight for Carl.
Poor guy has kind of
let the wheels come off
a little bit. Okay.
Twenty minutes
till the big guy gets here.
Focus. We got to
come together now.
Merlot. I want you
to get it out.
Get it breathing.
We're gonna use the 2005,
Napa wine glasses
Aunt Kathy gave us.
How did you know Aunt Kathy
gave us those wine glasses?
DUPREE: He would have
written these notes.
Dupree, please!
Please stop making
excuses for him.
I'm not.
But I think that
he would have if he...
No, you are.
And you have to stop
doing that now because
your buddy is wrong. Okay?
If he didn't want to
write them, he should
have just told me.
And, big surprise,
he's late again.
Look, you know, forget him.
You made this beautiful meal.
Thank you.
We're gonna sit here
and we're gonna enjoy it.
We're gonna drink.
And we're gonna eat.
And we're gonna drink
some more.
Well, it's frustrating
for me, too,
'cause I know he would have
loved this meal.
(MOLLY LAUGHING)
MOLLY: Yeah.
I can't do it...
DUPREE: Oh, boy.
MOLLY: No. But I used
to be able to touch it
to the top of my nose.
No, really?
Yeah. Oh, wow.
Can you do it?
No.
Hey, guys.
There's a plate
for you in the oven.
Okay, look,
I'm sorry I'm a little late.
I got hung up at work.
Would it have killed you
to make a phone call?
No, Randolph, Randolph, wait!
I'm sorry, Molly, but,
damn it, Carl, you really
press my buttons sometimes!
Is he kidding?
No. Now you've
upset Randolph.
Randolph?
Randolph?
You got to be kidding me.
I know a Randy Dupree.
I do not know a Randolph.
Did it ever occur to you
that maybe he prefers
to be called Randolph?
No, Molly,
it never occurred to me.
You know, the guy writes
some bullshit poetry
and suddenly he's
got a brand-new name.
That's funny. Turns out
that's not the only thing
he writes.
Apparently, he is a whiz
at thank-you notes!
He told you about that?
It just kind of slipped out.
Oh, I bet it just
kind of slipped out.
Guy stabs his best friend
in the back. He's getting
drunk with his wife.
What can I say, Carl?
I'm kind of fun
to get drunk with.
Maybe you should
try it sometime, because
I'm here every night!
Molly, I'd be delighted to
try it sometime, but unlike
your friend, Dupree,
I've got a job!
And what was with
the groomsman shirt?
That was a one-time deal,
Molly.
He was trying to
look nice for you.
And why are you
coming down on Dupree?
He's the one who
went through all this effort
to cook low carb for you.
You didn't even
bother to show up.
Low carb?
What the hell does that mean?
You know, he's on the whole
health kick with the bicycling
and Lance Armstrong.
So he's just trying
to help you out.
He's trying to help me out?
That's a laugh, Molly.
I'm the one who put
a goddamn roof over his head!
One. We put the roof
over his head.
And A. I mean,
you haven't really been
taking care of yourself.
I can't remember
the last time you exercised.
And how many Twinkies
have you had today?
What are you talking about?
Oh, Carl, please.
There's, like,
a million Twinkie wrappers
on the floor of your car.
You're not fooling anybody.
All right. All right.
So I admit it,
I enjoy one occasionally.
Is there something
so wrong with that?
And, Molly, look,
I am under a great
deal of stress.
What do you want from me?
Wait a minute.
Is this the kind of thing
that turns you on?
Oh, Carl!
Is this what turns you on?
Come on, Molly.
I was reading
an article on Oprah.
Yeah, well, I'm sorry
I can't be one of your
boy-band flavor of the weeks.
With their enhanced
frosted tips
and their washboard bellies
and their hairless backs!
What's happening to us, Carl?
I don't know what's happening
to you, Molly, but apparently
I'm getting fat!
(DOOR SLAMMING)
Nice. Looks like
somebody's tired of getting
sand kicked in their face.
Good job. Good to see you
living strong, buddy.
Please. Would you
listen to yourself?
You get your first
ten-speed bike, and suddenly
you're Lance Armstrong.
Let's leave
Lance out of this.
Guy's done more
with one testicle than
you and I can do with three.
Now, listen.
I know you're under
a lot of pressure at work
and you and Molly
are having some trouble.
Trouble? No.
I wasn't having any trouble
until you arrived, Randolph.
What's that supposed to mean?
You know what it means.
No, I don't.
You sold me out
with those thank-you notes.
And what's with this
Roman Holiday obsession?
I know you, Dupree.
Your favorite movie's Fletch:
No, sir. No, it's not.
Fletch is in my top five.
It's not my favorite.
What's with the poetry?
I think you're trying
to show me up.
Maybe I like poetry.
Did that ever occur to you?
Listen, if I got to be
the lovable fuckup all my life
to win your best friend prize,
maybe you should
keep your award.
I've got news for you, Dupree.
You're not that lovable.
I'm gonna pretend
you didn't say that, Carl.
Goodbye, Mr. Grumpy.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Sugar.
Top shelf, behind the honey.
Where?
Top shelf, behind the honey.
Oh, yeah.
DUPREE:
You got to reach for it.
MOLLY: Okay.
Yeah, right there.
Oh, God.
You gotta reach.
Right there.
I'm reaching.
Oh, goodness.
(MOLLY WHINING)
Right there.
There's the sugar.
Right behind the honey.
Right there. You got it?
I got it.
Why do you do this to me?
Got it.
So good.
Bye, honey.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello. Yes.
Is Mandy there, please?
Is this Dupree
calling again?
Yes, this is Dupree again.
Get it through your head:
Mandy does not want to
talk to you, okay?
Okay, yeah,
just tell her that I called.
Good night:
Thank you.
Looks like we're going
camping again, Murphy.
(SCREAMS)
Oh, God!
Oh! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
I didn't know
you were down here.
No, it's my fault.
What in the hell is going on?
Nothing, honey. It's fine.
Nothing. Nothing.
Are you naked again?
No, no, no, it's fine.
We talked about this!
I know we did. Yes.
Everyone's asleep,
and here's lonely old Dupree
just waling away on himself.
You weren't waling away
on yourself. It...
God! An animal wouldn't
debase himself thus.
What is happening to me?
Is this one of
my tube socks?
Carl, please.
Answer the question!
Oh, my God.
Mine were dirty.
Carl, stop it! Relax.
Wait a minute.
What are you even
doing down here, Molly?
Are you serious?
It's a simple question.
I couldn't sleep.
I'm getting a broom.
This is rock bottom.
I was doing so good.
Wasn't I doing good, Carl?
Huh, buddy?
But, Dupree,
where did you find this?
(WHISPERING) Oh.
I got it from that box marked
"Carl's camping equipment"
in the garage.
You put the box away,
didn't you?
Yes. Yes.
I didn't realize you were
such an outdoorsman, Carl.
MOLLY: Asian Assault?
Molly, let me explain.
That one was in the wrong
section at the video store.
Oh,
you're gonna lie to my face.
I thought it was
a kung fu movie
with Bruce Lee.
Okay. Pacific Rim Job:
CARL: No idea.
All right. That one
I kind of knew about.
Oh, Beijing Bang Bang?
Carl! Is this what
our marriage has come to?
Lies and all these
Chinese fetish videos?
I'm just curious.
All right. I admit, Molly,
that I was into Asian porn
for a little while.
But it was just a phase.
Anyway, why am I the one
who's on trial here?
He's in there starching
my sock, and you don't
even bat an eyelash.
Because I'm not
married to him!
I am married to you.
Do something with that.
(DOG BARKING)
Is there anything worse
than having to throw away
your porn collection?
What's going on
with you and Molly?
What?
You heard me.
Are you in love with my wife?
Have you lost your mind?
What are you talking about?
Dupree. Dupree,
just answer the question.
Whoa, hold on, Jake LaMotta.
I'm not gonna...
That's a sick question.
How come you can't answer it?
I'm not going to answer
because it doesn't
deserve an answer.
How could you ask me
something like that?
You're very clever, Dupree.
You're living in my house.
You're going to town
on yourself in my living room.
And now you're
moving in on my wife.
What?
You think you got it
all figured out,
but I'm on to you,
and you're out of here!
Oh, no. Hold on.
You're not throwing me
out of here.
I'll leave!
Good!
And while you're at it,
leave the flask
and the groomsman's outfit.
But you gave those to me.
Those were gifts.
All right!
You know, keep those.
All those were gifts.
But leave the insignia.
Because that was
for my best man.
Hey. It's for the best.
The guy would have been
living off us forever.
Dinner is at 7:30,
and my father will
be here at 7:00, so...
Molly.
With all things considered,
do you think that maybe
tonight isn't the best night
to have your father
over for dinner?
Carl. Carl.
Please don't be late.
Please.
So, I hear the albacore
are really biting
this time of year.
It's not albacore season,
Carl.
Oh. Really?
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
I'll get that.
It's right over here.
Hello.
(SHUSHING) Hold on.
Hey. Hey, Carl. Carl.
It's Neil.
Did you actually throw away
your porn collection?
Look, Neil,
I'm having a dinner party.
I'm coming to get it.
Going to Starbucks! Be back!
(DOG BARKING)
Carl, I read
your new presentation.
And how would you feel about
Tony taking it from here?
What?
I hope you guys aren't
talking business now.
Let's keep it at the office.
No, no, no, not at all.
No, we were...
Oh, my God.
Is that Mom's crab cakes?
They sure are.
Rabbit, come here.
Excuse me.
Come here, rabbit.
They look exactly like Mom's.
I can't believe it.
Oh, yeah. Go ahead.
Give it to Tony. Tony. Yeah.
Yeah. Want to give it to Tony?
Yeah, I have a pretty goddamn
big problem with that.
Is that what you're saying?
You'd be demoting me?
Tony deserves it!
Give it to Tony!
Do you think I care? Go ahead.
What are you doing?
Son of a...
Huh?
Your father's got it
out for me.
Oh, Carl!
No, no, no!
CARL: You know he asked me
to get a vasectomy?
MOLLY: What?
He's crazy!
Carl, first of all,
this is my father
you're talking about!
He's irrational.
(GROANING)
Who...
You want...
(CRASHING)
What was that?
Oh, my God.
(GROANING)
You. What the hell?
Oh, my God. Dupree!
What did I tell you?
Molly, don't.
I'm okay. I just slipped
on the drainpipe.
Come on.
Let's get in the house.
I didn't want to
bother you guys.
Put him out by the curb!
Carl.
Why am I getting blamed
for everything?
What's going on here, Carl?
Daddy, will you please
grab Dupree's things?
I was just trying
to get my stuff.
What?
You know, Molly, I don't know
that I really have time
for dinner. I might just...
You know, I really
don't want to impose.
Here.
Maybe I... I know, but I...
No. You're staying.
You're gonna eat something.
It's fine. You're eating.
Here, have some salad.
It's good.
I put a little extra
balsamic like you like it.
Thanks. Thanks.
Eat something.
Well, it does look tasty.
Thank you.
DUPREE: Sir?
That's a beautiful
Schwinn bike you got
out there, Dupree.
Thank you. Although it's not
exactly state-of-the-art.
It's about 25 years old,
so sometimes I feel like
it's tough to keep up with
the other riders on the road.
Now, I don't buy that.
Did you read
Lance Armstrong's book,
It's Not About the Bike?
The bike. Touch.
And it's true.
It isn't about the bike.
It's about here.
It's about your heart.
And that's the truth.
And I've said it to Carl.
If you...
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Did you see his seventh win?
The final one?
DUPREE: The last one?
I watched every stage.
Carl. Get the phone.
THOMPSON: Me, too.
I've watched every
single one of those races.
DUPREE: Did you ever cry?
THOMPSON: Oh, yeah.
I defy you to watch
that and not cry.
Daddy? Excuse me.
Could you pass
the wine, please?
DUPREE:
What color was your bike?
Hello.
Hey, Carl.
Hey, hey. It's Neil.
Okay, so is it in,
like, the garbage,
or did you recycle it?
Listen, you sleazebag.
Get off my property!
I'm tired of this crap!
Get the hell out of here!
Go home!
Jackpot.
(NEIL LAUGHING)
It's the wrong number.
You like to fish, Dupree?
I'm not the world's
greatest fisherman.
Although I did have
one pretty great adventure.
True story.
Off the coast of Baja
during spring break,
I spent four days
reeling in this marlin.
Great, big, old shitkicker,
and I finally landed him.
Four days?
Well, I hope you mounted
that son of a bitch.
No. I didn't.
Catch and release, Bob.
Honor the fish.
THOMPSON: That's really noble.
Dupree. How would you like to
go fishing with me in my boat?
DUPREE: Really?
Yeah. Just the two of us.
Chick-a-boom. Chick-a-boom.
(LAUGHING)
DUPREE: Why not?
Hey, Bob, is it just me,
or are the albacore
really jumping?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
You're funny.
What type of fool thinks
it's albacore season?
Dupree, from now on,
you call me "Dad."
Yeah. Go out there.
Maybe bring Molly along.
Nice, Dupree.
Need some of this?
You sure you're
okay with this, Bob?
As long as it's not Carl,
you can do anything
you want with her.
(GROWLING)
(SCREAMING)
Poetry, Aunt Kathy,
librarian-banging,
backstabbing, bike-riding,
couch-burning masturbator!
You ruined my life!
You ruined my life!
Carl, get off of him! Stop it!
Get a hold of yourself!
MOLLY: Oh, my God!
I will not get
a hold of myself!
This is my house!
Are you kidding me?
What are you gonna do,
hit me with that thing?
You gonna hit me?
Carl, stop it!
Come on! I dare you!
(GROANING)
Dad!
You dared me.
Don't tell me
you want the porn back,
because you can't have it!
Why is it all Asian?
Whoa, what's with
the bag of frozen peas, man?
There was a little bit of
a blowout at the house.
My wallet's still there
and my car's boxed in.
It's not a big deal.
I need a place to stay.
I've got nowhere to go.
You want to stay here?
Yeah.
Yeah. That'll be fun.
That'll be really cool.
Let me ask Annie.
NEIL: Yo, Annie.
ANNIE: What?
Carl wants to stay here.
Carl?
Oh, really? I just got
off the phone with Molly.
He tried to kill Dupree.
He cannot stay here.
He needs somewhere...
What are we gonna do?
Be afraid in my sleep? No!
Tell him to leave! Now! Now!
Okay. Fine. I said fine!
Look,
I don't know what you did,
but she just talked to Molly.
She's freaked out
at you right now, man.
Neil, what are you saying?
I can't come into
your house right now?
You cannot come in here.
She said so, man.
She makes the rules.
You know what?
I don't need this, Neil.
I don't need this.
I don't need this!
I'm sorry!
ANNIE: Neil,
get back in here!
She controls what I do!
Guys' night. Thursday.
I'll see you there.
Dr: Grayhead to the ER:
Dr: Grayhead to the ER:
Frankly, Molly,
I'm worried
about your safety.
Maybe I should have Paco
come stay at the house.
Oh, Dad, please.
I don't need this right now.
Molly, I love you
more than anything,
but you're an idealist.
You don't see the world
the way it is.
Dr: Navarro to 751:
Dr: Navarro to 751:
The doc says most of
my injuries are emotional.
Dad. I'm going to
ask you something,
and remember, you've never
lied to me before.
Do you ever really want
my marriage to work?
That's a really
complicated question, Molly.
No. Actually, it's not.
Dupree.
Molly? Molly.
Bob, before I go, I have
my own question for you.
And remember, you've
never lied to me either,
as far as I know.
Who did you really want
to get a vasectomy?
Me? Or was it, in fact, Carl?
Take care of your neck,
Dupree.
Okay, Bob.
(CUTLERY CLATTERING)
Carl?
He didn't come home
last night.
He loves you, Molly.
I know. I know.
Maybe it's just not enough.
It has to be enough.
It is enough.
Dupree, you gotta piece
this beautiful thing
back together again.
By God, it took 36 years,
for the mother ship to speak.
Well, guess what?
Dupree hears you.
Okay, gather around! Come on!
Everybody, gather around!
Over here!
BOY: What's going on, Dupree?
I'm gonna tell you
what's going on.
We got an emergency.
That's why I gave you
permission to miss school.
Now, listen. Carl's missing.
He ran away
from home last night.
It's up to us to find him.
And here's the deal.
I don't know
what he's capable of.
If he attacks you, go limp.
Play dead.
That's what I did,
and I think it saved my life.
Toshi, pass out these fliers.
Give them to everybody.
Okay, Nancy,
go to Neil's house.
Okay, I'm on it.
Go. Go! Cesar, get up here.
I want you to hit
the grocery store.
Got it.
Thompson Land Development.
Danger! Be careful here.
Go! Go! Fall out!
And if you see him,
call someone.
Do the buddy system. Run!
(LOVE REMOVAL MACHINE PLAYING)
I'm just looking for this guy,
Carl Peterson, if you see him.
Right here.
I've just lost my friend.
Carl Peterson.
Here you go. Just stand there.
Put your head through this.
Carl!
Here you go. There you go.
Looking for a friend.
That's all.
CURLEY: And he took his hat.
That was real.
His American Legion hat.
The colonel. Give us a break.
(LAUGHING)
Back again, huh?
Just came in
to make a pit stop.
Well, that's good
'cause your cot's been taken.
What's he talking about?
WOMAN: How's Becca doing?
Is she coming in later?
In case you think
I'm still in love with Molly,
maybe you should
take a look at these.
They're all about Mandy.
Love poems.
Sonnets.
Little ditties, haikus.
I loved her.
How come you never told me
you wrote poems?
I don't know.
I guess I figured
you'd call me a homo.
Well, I guess I might have.
Listen, if there's
one thing I know about,
it's loving and losing.
But you can't lose unless
you stop waiting. And...
Look, Dupree. Listen,
I'm really not in the mood
for one of your soliloquies.
My life's in
the shitter right now.
Yes, it is.
But what are you
gonna do? Quit?
So what if you
made some mistakes.
Everybody does.
So what if her dad hates you.
You think you're
the first guy to be hated
by his father-in-law?
So what if he beat your ass
with a candlestick.
That's probably
happened before.
The point is,
is somewhere along the road,
you lost your magic.
They knocked you
off your game. Your Carlness
went right out the window.
What's with this "Carlness"?
It's not even a real word.
Yes, it is.
Oh, it is?
It's a verb.
It's a conjunction,
a preposition,
it's a philosophy,
a way of life.
It's your name
with "ness" attached to it.
Bullshit. There's never
been any Carlness.
There's just Carl.
Well, I'm glad we got
that straightened out.
My mistake.
You know, the truth is,
I never really thought
you and Molly were
right for each other.
There was something
about her I never bought,
right from Jump Street.
That whole, "Hey, look at me.
I'm a great person.
"I'm always smiling.
I'm pretty. I'm smart.
I work with inner city kids."
Get the hell out of there.
I saw through that sham,
and you did, too.
And if you want
to know the truth,
frankly, I'd blame her.
Now, wait a minute!
No, I won't hold it!
Hold on a second!
Your life is going to hell
in a hand basket!
Molly is the best damn thing
that ever happened to me.
Leave her out of this.
Sure she is.
Did you see
what just happened?
When I tricked you?
All of a sudden
you had that instinct
to fight, that Carlness.
That's what
this situation needs.
It's crying out for it.
You're trying to get it back,
that fight, the will to fight.
You're thinking.
Come on. What do you got?
Dupree, get your helmet.
Shit.
Paco's on duty.
Hey, can you get me
I'll get you 15.
Hold on a second.
He's a lot faster
than he looks.
Hello there.
Have a message
I need to deliver.
Do you have identification?
No.
You kidding me?
Just got the old bike here.
Pretty obvious
I'm a bike messenger.
What are you, Samoan?
What do you think?
Could be Greek.
Could be Italian.
Either way, you're a big man.
It's okay,
I specialize in big men.
Where is your message?
I keep 'em up here.
Saves on the paperwork.
All right. Have a good day.
Maybe I'll see you around.
(DUPREE WHISTLING)
Come on.
Hold it.
They said you were quick.
Easy now, big 'un.
I got to tell you,
you're catching me on a day
where I'm throwing seven
different kinds of smoke.
Yeah? Let's see them.
That's what I thought.
That's number one.
Baby wants to play chase?
Okay, let's chase.
Okay, here we go.
Here we go.
Up or down? Up or down?
Down!
(YELLING)
Gotcha.
Missed! Number two.
Mr. Peterson-Thompson?
Where is he?
(DUPREE YELLING)
PACO: Stop! Stop!
DUPREE: Catch up!
(GROANS)
(SCREAMING)
Guy in chair. Number three.
Did you see that? I got him.
Dispatch,
lock down the building.
That was my number four.
What's number five?
I can't tell you.
I don't know myself.
Nice job, weasel.
Now it's on!
(GRUNTING)
(WHISPERING)
Number five, invisible.
WOMAN: What is he doing?
You can manufacture
these for $90 a square foot.
You sell them
at $400 a square foot.
You got 25 in this
whole arena right here.
I even think you can
do the advertisement,
"Fifty million
"square feet."
(GRUNTING)
Come here, weasel!
(GROANS)
Number six.
Open the door.
I need a number seven.
Oh, shit.
I need a number seven!
You want Samoa?
I'll give you Samoa!
(SCREAMING)
Hello. Excuse me.
Pardon me. Pardon me.
You know,
for the last 14 hours,
all I've thought about
is kicking your ass.
Don't make me look
for another candlestick, Carl.
I've taken you down once.
I could do it again.
Not today, Bob. Not today.
I'll go get Paco.
Yeah. You go get Paco.
You've done everything
you can to undermine me.
You've tried to intimidate me.
You've tried to humiliate me.
You bastardized
my project to the point
where it's unrecognizable.
But here's the thing, Bob.
I don't care.
I don't care about this job,
and I don't care about you.
I care about Molly.
She means everything
in the world to me.
And if you're going to
stand in the way of me
trying to win her back,
you'd better bring
a pretty big candlestick.
Carl?
Hey, Carl.
You... Will you all excuse us?
Can everybody go?
You know, Carl,
I've been thinking
maybe I was a little
rough on you.
A little?
But you got to understand,
you know, I love Molly, too.
And I've been having
a really, really tough time
letting go of her.
You asked me to
get a vasectomy.
Yeah, that was
a little excessive.
I apologize.
I'm not gonna
hyphenate my name, Bob.
I know.
(ROOF CREAKING)
(SCREAMS)
(GROANING)
(FIX YOU PLAYING)
Hey. There's Carl and Dupree.
Dupree found Carl.
He's on his own now.
Molly?
CARL: Molly?
Molly.
I'm sorry.
Don't ever walk out
on me again.
Ever.
I know. I lost it.
I didn't know
what I was doing anymore.
Well, Carl, I don't always
know what I'm doing, either.
But we are in this together,
when it's good, when it's bad.
Yeah.
I mean,
so you launched yourself
across our dining room table
at your best friend
like a crazy person.
I guess I...
But, Carl,
I know who you are.
And I love who you are.
And that's why we don't
walk out on each other.
I love you, Molly.
And I promise you,
I'm not going anywhere.
(ALL CHEERING)
Yes! My work is done here.
(THREE IS A MAGIC NUMBER
PLAYING)
Oh, yeah! Yeah!
Come on! Let's go! Go!
Who wants some ice cream?
Go down there and you get it.
Go!
Yeah!
(GROANING)
Life may knock you down:
Scratch that:
I'm okay.
Life will knock you down.
Okay?
lt'll kick you in the gut
and knock you to the curb.
But you can't let it
rob you of your "ness."
Now what's "ness"?
It's your name plus "ness."
You, sir,
white-haired gentleman,
what's your name?
My name's Joe.
No! It's Joeness.
You follow me? Listen to me.
Hang on to that,
and as long as you do,
you'll always be ready.
Because when that moment
comes, and trust me,
it will come,
that's when you start throwing
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
seven different
kinds of smoke!
(EXCLAIMING)
(ALL CHEERING)
The mother ship hears you!
Paco! Kick it!
(BUST A MOVE PLAYING)
(YELLS)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Lanceness.
Lance-ness.
Lance...ness.