You're Never Too Young (1955) Movie Script
1
NARRATOR: This is Los Angeles.
Looks peaceful and quiet,
doesn't it?
But don't let it fool you.
A jewel robbery and a murder
are about to happen.
I'm Nancy Collins.
I'd like to confirm
a return reservation
to Twin Lakes, Oregon.
Right.
(BELL DINGING)
MAN: Call for Mr. Baldwin.
Paging Mr. Baldwin.
Call for Mr. Baldwin.
Paging Mr. Baldwin.
(GUNSHOTS)
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
(PEOPLE CLAMORING)
(POLICE BLOWING WHISTLE)
What is it?
A man's been killed upstairs.
Whoever did it
got away
with the Majuba diamond.
There's a killer loose
in the hotel.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm terribly sorry.
Oh, that's all right.
I just didn't, uh, see you.
No harm done. I hope.
(SIREN WAILING)
Your train leaves
from the Union Station
at 7:30.
Hi.
Oh, Bob,
I was afraid
I'd miss you.
Oh, not a chance.
How'd the business
discussions go?
Fine so far, but it's taking
a little longer
than I figured.
I won't be able
to go back with you tonight.
Oh?
I'll take a late plane.
What's all the blue coats
doing around here?
Maybe there's been a murder.
Or a suicide. They probably
just gave someone his bill.
My train leaves at 7:30,
and I promised
to pick up some things
for Mrs. Brendan,
so I better get started.
I'll see you at school
tomorrow?
Bright and early. Bye.
Pardon me.
Your uniform is ready.
I'll get it for you.
(SIRENS BLARING)
There we are, Mr. Miles.
Thank you.
May I help you, sir?
I'm just looking around,
thank you.
Help yourself.
Hello, Noonan.
Why, hello.
I'll bet the Lieutenant
will be glad to see you.
Let's go.
Get off my back, Sergeant.
I'm not going anywhere.
Hey, hold it.
This is my coat.
It is?
It's mine.
I must have
picked it up by mistake.
I'm sorry.
This is yours, sir.
Why, thank you.
All right, Sergeant.
Let's go see
the Lieutenant.
Thank you.
Okay.
Yeah, fits pretty good.
Will you send it to me?
My pleasure, Mr. Miles.
Just give me the address.
Twin Lakes, Oregon.
Twin Lakes, Oregon.
Mrs. Brendan's
School for Girls.
I beg your pardon?
I teach there.
Music, athletics.
Naturally.
Look, Lieutenant,
I don't know
what you're talking about.
You killed a man
for nothing.
The Majuba diamond
is hot enough
to burn you to a crisp.
Why don't you take me in?
My attorney would like that.
He's clean.
I told you.
All right, Noonan,
that's all for now.
But don't leave the hotel
until I tell you to.
All right, O'Malley.
Think he did it?
Probably.
But if we pull him in now,
we'll never make him talk.
He must have
slipped the diamond
to an accomplice.
We'll find
Mr. Noonan's accomplice.
We'd better.
Francois will
take care of you, monsieur.
Sit right down, monsieur.
Oh, let me help you, sir.
Thank you.
The other arm.
Just make
yourself comfortable,
monsieur.
I'll be with you
in a moment.
Lovely weather
we are having, eh, monsieur?
And now, monsieur,
we commence.
Snip, snip, snip.
(GRUNTS)
Wilbur!
Did I fool you?
You've made me ruin
a perfectly good wig!
I'll pay for a new wig.
You certainly will,
you fool.
Now get your broom
and go back to work.
But you promised me
I'd have my own chair.
Look at what this says,
"Wilbur Hoolick,
Master Barber."
But you're not
a master barber.
You're not even a barber yet!
You remember the arrangement
we made when I hire you?
I cut the hair,
you sweep the hair.
Yeah, well,
I know everything there is
to know about hair.
I made all that up
out of leftovers.
Sweep! I'm going to lunch.
Shall I take care
of everything?
No, I beg of you.
Do not take care
of everything.
It is the lunch hour.
Just quietly
sweep out the boothz.
Booths.
Boothz!
Boothz.
Sweep!
It is lunchtime!
One day,
I shall be a master barber
like Francois.
But only I...
(IN FRENCH ACCENT)
I shall be the great Wilbert.
The Captain's here.
He wants to talk to you.
I'd be delighted.
(IN FRENCH ACCENT)
And you are next, monsieur.
Would you like the haircut,
the manicure,
possibly pedicure?
As in the rinse, bubble bath?
What would you like, sir?
Can I have my choice,
Francois?
Oh, he went to lunch.
Oh, I don't care
who takes care of me.
I'm in a hurry.
You do not care
who takes care of you,
monsieur.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Will it take long
for a treatment
and a manicure?
I should think
not so long, sir.
Let's go.
I think we shall start
with the scalp treatment.
I don't think I have time
for a scalp treatment.
Oh, monsieur,
everyone has the same time.
We are now ready to begin.
(EXCLAIMING)
Oh, I am sorry, sir.
Just let me give you a...
Just one... Oh, sir!
Just one moment, sir.
One moment, sir.
Could you please
just get the beard?
All right, get up.
I'm awfully sorry, sir.
I made the mistake.
I press this button.
Same mistake.
(SINGING IN FRENCH)
Pardon moi, monsieur.
I'm a wee bit nervous.
(CONTINUES SINGING)
Just relax.
BARBER:
Now, monsieur, the egg.
(BARBER SCATTING)
(SINGING IN FRENCH)
(CONTINUES SINGING)
(IN FRENCH ACCENT)
Oh, pardon, monsieur.
Oh, I am so sorry.
I make the mistake.
I am sorry, sir.
Please forgive me.
I am... Oh, please...
I didn't come here
for breakfast!
Now, let's forget
the whole thing!
Forget it!
Just relax, sir. Here.
Forget it!
This button
will make you relax.
(MACHINE WHIRRING)
No, it's all right.
Will you stop this?
How do you stop this?
Is good.
It make you relax.
(GROANS)
Get me out of here!
Get me out!
Oh, pardon moi!
Oh, pardonnez-moi, monsieur.
Let me out.
Wait, I shall get the button.
WILBUR: Easy!
One moment.
Stop this thing.
Voila, we stop. Good, oui?
And now to get you down.
Just one moment.
One moment, monsieur.
Monsieur, one moment.
(SIGHS)
And now for the landing.
(GASPING)
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Let me go! Let me go!
There we are, monsieur.
You are next. Shampoo?
You're a sick man.
That's it!
I've got
the merchandise all right,
but I can't deliver it.
They're checking everyone
in and out of the hotel.
Well, what if
they find it on you?
Don't worry, they won't.
Wait a minute.
I think I just figured it out.
I'm sending a man around
to the apartment.
He'll give you
a scalp massage.
He'll have the merchandise
in his pocket.
I got it.
Bye.
Which pocket?
Hello?
Would you like to try it
one more time?
I should not like to try it
one more time.
I should not like
to see your face
one more time.
Allow me, sir.
Thank you.
Not at all.
Could you help me, monsieur?
It is lunchtime.
But my wife would like
a treatment at home.
Oh, the wife would like
a treatment.
Oh, monsieur!
Oh, but I cannot
leave the shop.
Oh, it'll be all right,
Francois.
I am not Francois.
Oh, I'll speak to him
personally.
Oh, well, if you think
it will be all right,
monsieur.
I should like very much
to give the wife
the treatment.
Thank you very much.
I shall get the equipment.
I think I have everything.
I appreciate this.
It's the Sunland Arms,
apartment 12B.
You'd better hurry.
There's no time to lose.
Her scalp must be
in very bad shape.
It is.
(DOORBELL BUZZING)
(IN FRENCH ACCENT)
Oh, uh, hello, I am Wilbert.
Your husband sent me here
to make the scalp happy.
Oh, come in.
It is not easy to come through
this little hole.
Oh, I'm sorry to have
kept you out there
in that cold hall, honey.
But, you know,
a nice girl
can't be too careful.
(COUGHS)
Why don't you
take your coat off?
Oh, no, this is fine,
thank you.
All right, here is the coat.
(COUGHS)
I must find the place
to plug in the equipment.
Over there.
Oh, merci.
(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)
(WHIRRING)
Well, I am now ready
to begin.
So am I.
You know something?
What?
You're cute.
Do you know something?
Whisper it in my ear.
The scalp is dry.
Come with me.
Where?
Come with me.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
Do you dance?
Oh, but the treatment.
Try this.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Try it again.
Turn around.
(MUSIC STOPS)
But what about the treatment?
Oh, I know what great lovers
you Frenchmen are.
Kiss me.
Oh, that's good.
You!
What are you doing
with my wife?
Uh, massaging the scalp.
Oh, oh, pardon moi.
The jacket.
It's very warm here.
The jacket.
Merci beaucoup, mademoiselle.
I ought to
kill you for this.
(GRUNTING)
If you lay one...
If you lay un hand on me,
you know what I will do?
What?
I'll bleed. Au revoir.
If I ever see
your ugly face again,
I'll kill you.
I want you to
get out of town
and stay out.
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Yeah, all right, but I can't
leave from up here.
Is there anything else?
Now, if you come back
to this town,
I'll know it.
And I'll get you.
Understand?
(STUTTERING)
Oh, yes, sir.
Oh, I won't come back
to this town, honest.
As a matter of fact,
I'm going home today.
Tout de suite.
Here, let me...
Let me show you.
You see,
here's my... my fare, $26.40,
to Blitzen, Washington.
Oh, man.
Oh, be careful, bleeding.
Maybe I didn't
make myself clear.
I'm going to get
the very first train home.
I swear, honest, so...
So, goodbye.
Au revoir.
Remember me
to the little woman.
(TITTERING)
(STUTTERING)
Goodbye, man. Nice...
Nice going.
Let's have the diamond.
Here you are.
It's only bubblegum, stupid.
But it was in his pocket.
I thought...
Oh, he's still got it
on him.
Well, you can get it back.
You know where he's going.
MAN 1 ON PA: Miss Collins.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Miss Nancy Collins.
Please report to
the Camellia Room
in the station.
Camellia room?
Immediately.
Not that way.
In back of you.
Oh!
MAN 2 ON PA:
Your attention please.
The Southern Pacific,
number 57...
(PLAYING I KNOW
YOUR MOTHER LOVES YOU)
I beg your pardon.
I know
your mother loves you
Your father
loves you, too
But their kind of love
is no kind of love
Next to my love for you
I'm sure
you find their kisses
most satisfactory
But you're going to hiss
the very next kiss
After one kiss from me
Your French poodle
is off his noodle
Never goes out to play
He guards you night and day
That job is mine I say
Say
I know the cop, the mailman
Yes, and the milkman, too
Agree that you're rare
And I more than
share their view
So tell your father
and your mother
And your sister
and your brother
And the poodle, too
That they'll never
ever love you
like I do.
CHORUS:
This fella won't love you
like a relative
This fella has lots
and lots of love to give
I know
your uncle loves you
Your auntie loves you, too.
Yes, of course.
But no relative
can possibly give
what I could give to you.
That's true.
I know
your doctor loves you
Your dentist loves you, too
I'm not so sure.
No skill with a drill
or vitamin pill
Is like my cure for you.
You're the doctor.
Men with millions
and plain civilians
For you they'd gladly toil.
For little old me?
Texans who drill the soil
Baby, you'd make
their oil boil
CHORUS: Ow!
Soldiers, marines
and sailors
Grocers and tailors, too
Agree that you're rare
And I more than
share their view
So tell your father
and your mother
And your sister
and your brother
And the Texan, too
That they'll never
ever love you
like I do
Oh, no
No, they'll never
ever love you
Love you, baby,
like I do
Man, I'm really in love.
(ALL APPLAUDING)
Next.
I'd like a ticket to Blitzen,
Washington, please.
Blitzen, Washington?
That'll be $31.10.
Here you are, $26.40.
You're short.
I know,
but Dad was very tall.
You need $4.70 more.
Oh, no,
I think you're wrong, sir.
You see, because last year
when I came from Blitzen,
Washington
to Los Angeles,
it cost $26.40.
Now it doesn't seem fair
to go from Los Angeles
to Blitzen, Washington
for $31.10,
so I think something's wrong.
Plus the fact,
this is all the money I have.
I saved it up.
Rates went up last February.
Please, I'm in a hurry.
I'm sorry, lady, but...
(GRUNTS)
Look.
Chicago.
One ticket for me
and one half-fare, please.
The boy under 12?
Oh, yes.
I'm 11 years old.
Ooh!
I was born February 22nd,
(GASPING)
He's a little big for 11.
Sure, I'm a sailor.
You want me
to give you the death ray?
Now, Marty.
Well, then give me a quarter
for a flying saucer
or I'll let him have it.
All right, dear. Here.
MAN ON PA:
Last call for the Santa Fe,
San Bernardino local,
train number 54.
Leaves at 5:30 p.m.,
entering through gate J.
This is the last call.
I'll take this one.
25 cents, please.
Here you are,
I'll pay for that.
Thank you.
Oh, don't be frightened.
(SHUDDERING) Here.
No, no, no,
that's for you.
I like little boys
who have space guns.
You know why?
'Cause I have
a space collection.
You have?
Oh, sure,
they're right here
in this bag.
And do you know
that when I went to the moon,
I got my first space gun.
And since then, I've added
almost 350 space guns
to my collection.
I have one space gun
that shoots out little men,
and those little men
have space guns
that shoot darts.
And when I was in Tibet,
I got a space gun
with camels
sitting on the top of it,
just about so big.
I know it's pretty difficult
to believe that,
but you must believe me.
The train leaves
in 15 minutes.
What if we miss him?
Not a chance.
I'm getting on that train.
What are you going to
do to him?
Shut him up for good
after I get the diamond.
Now go on home,
wait for my call.
All right, but be careful.
MAN ON PA:
Your attention, please.
The return portion of tickets
purchased in the East
require validation
before boarding your train.
Validation desks are located
adjacent to
the stationmaster's office.
Oh, I'm awfully sorry.
Hi, sonny.
Oh, don't you touch me.
I'm not going to touch you.
You leave me alone!
But, sonny.
(GROANING)
I'm not going to hurt you.
You're not?
Of course not.
Oh, then will you buy
me a ticket, please?
No, I think
you should let your daddy
buy you a ticket.
(WAILING)
I want a ticket!
Buy me a ticket!
I want a ticket!
(EXCLAIMS)
What are you doin'
to the kid?
My uncle
won't buy me a ticket,
and I got the money.
I hate goofs
who pick on kids.
Goofs?
Goofs!
I hate goofs, too.
Then buy the kid a ticket.
But he's no relative of...
(WAILING)
I want a ticket!
Buy the kid a ticket.
All right, nephew.
Thank you, man.
MAN ON PA:
Your attention, please.
Will Miguel Cruz kindly come
to the stationmaster's office?
Where you going?
Blitzen, Washington,
half-fare.
Half-fare,
Blinses, Washington.
No, Blitzen, Washington.
Blintzes?
No, Blitzen.
Blitzen, Washington,
half-fare.
Half-fare for whom?
For him.
For me.
How old are you?
Well, I'll be 12
on my next birthday.
I'm going to be a space cadet.
Shall I give you my death ray?
Why you little...
It's the only way
I can get him to
drink his milk.
Watch.
Open your mouth, nephew.
MAN ON PA:
Your attention, please.
Southern Pacific Coast
Daylight train number 98
is now arriving.
He's going to be
a space cadet.
If he lives,
he'll be a space cadet.
MAN ON PA: Last call,
train for Sutton and Blitzen.
Gate B, now open.
All aboard.
(HORN BLARING)
Excuse me,
is that seat taken?
No.
Good.
Where are you going?
What?
I said where are you going?
CONDUCTOR 1: Tickets, please.
Oh, home.
Tickets! Tickets!
Sorry, I haven't been able
to find your
French friend anywhere.
We stop at Blitzen,
don't we?
CONDUCTOR 1: Yes, sir.
I'll find him.
Uh, together?
No.
Tickets, please.
Half-fare?
How old are you?
Oh, I'll be 12 years old
on my next birthday.
If I don't have an accident.
Stand up.
He wants you to stand.
You! You stand up!
Oh.
Higher. Higher, all the way.
That's it.
You're awful big for 12.
Oh, it's glands.
The whole family had glands.
Why, my mother was 6'4".
We called her shrimp.
If you're only 12,
you're pretty young
to be traveling alone.
Oh, well, that's all right.
I'm not scared.
I'm going be a space cadet.
Where are you going?
Home.
Oh, here it is right here.
You're going to...
(GROANING)
What's the matter?
Oh, I'm train sick!
The rocking.
Here's your ticket.
Oh, I... I'm train sick.
The... The rocking of the train.
I'm really sick.
I get nauseous on a train
from rocking
and when it goes fast
and it shakes back and forth.
I'm really very sick
from the train.
Would you please keep quiet?
Yeah.
I dropped my gun, mister.
Wow!
(TITTERING)
My gun shoots milk.
Look, would you mind
getting out of here?
Not at all.
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
Oh, I'm...
What is the matter
with you?
I'm awfully sorry.
I'm just a little nervous.
I'm awfully sorry
I dropped my suitcase,
and I hope
I didn't hurt you, mister.
I'll put all my things
back in the suitcase,
and I'll get out of your way.
What is this?
(EXCLAIMING)
Look out, conductors!
It's the little boy!
Look out!
(SIGHING)
Oh, geez.
He can't have gone far.
I've got to find him.
CONDUCTOR 1:
You've got to find him?
We've got to find him.
Half-fare!
CONDUCTOR 2:
He must be around here
someplace.
Hello.
Goodbye.
The train hasn't stopped.
He couldn't have gotten off.
What's the matter, son?
You're trembling.
I have very loose bones.
Are you lost?
No.
Where's your mother?
I'm traveling all alone.
And you started
wandering around the train
and now you don't know
where you're supposed to be?
I'll call the conductor.
Oh, no!
I mean, I... I do know
where I'm supposed to be,
in the day coach,
but I don't like it there
very much.
I don't feel so good,
right here.
I bet I know your problem.
You do?
Mmm-hmm.
They gave you money
to buy your dinner,
and instead of that
you bought some ice cream,
and some candy
and maybe some soda pop?
Yeah, and some marshmallows,
and some cotton candy,
and popcorn and cigarettes.
Cigarettes?
Oh, I mean
can-candy cigarettes,
chocolate.
Oh!
Why don't you sleep here?
Here?
I'm sure your mother
would want you looked after.
I'll call the conductor.
Oh, no, don't do that.
Why?
Oh, well,
he doesn't like me, see,
and... and he's not a nice man
because we were
talkin' about trains,
and I told him
I had 13 cars in my set,
and he only has 11,
and he's jealous
and nasty, he is.
All right, then.
I'll ring for the porter.
Oh, no.
If you press that buzzer,
I'll be killed!
What an imagination!
Well, don't you see?
The porter and the conductor
are in cahoots against me.
Oh.
Well, then,
why don't we make up
the upper berth ourselves?
Oh! Oh, yeah, okay.
Good.
I get off in the morning
at Twin Lakes,
but you're all right
for tonight, anyway.
Thank you, let me help you.
You're awfully nice.
Thank you.
Here.
What's your name?
Wilbur. Wilbur Hoolick.
Do you have pajamas
with you, Wilbur?
Yes, lady, I have.
You may call me Aunt Nancy.
Aunt Nancy.
Willy.
Oh, help! Help! Help!
Wilbur!
Oh, help! Get me...
Get me down!
Oh! Oh!
Help! Help!
(GRUNTING)
Oh, Wilbur,
are you all right?
Oh, you broke your glasses.
Did you ever have a day
when just
everything went wrong?
Take your things
and go in there and change.
Thank you.
If you have any trouble
with your buttons,
just sing out.
(TRAIN HORN BLARING)
(THUNDER CRACKING)
Oh!
Are you all right, Wilbur?
Yes, I'm fine.
There's nothing
to be frightened of.
It's just the storm
that woke you up.
You mustn't be afraid
of thunder and lightning.
I'm not afraid.
Oh, yes, you are.
All youngsters are.
Why, I was terrified
when I was your age.
I used to crawl in
with my little brother.
Remember,
I'm only your nephew.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
This going to be a bad one.
Just hang on to me tight,
Willy.
I... I'm all right, really.
Just rest your head
against my shoulder.
I can't do that.
Your husband
wouldn't like that.
I have no husband.
I'm not married, either.
I hope not.
And I'm glad
you're not married.
Why?
Should I tell you?
Yes.
No, I better not.
Not tonight.
I'll tell you in the morning.
It's a surprise.
Good, I like surprises.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Uh-oh, it's going to
be a bad one.
(THUNDER CRACKING)
Well, I think
I'd better get upstairs,
and you'd better
go to bed, too.
Yeah, okay.
In you go.
Are you all right now, Willy?
I never felt so good,
Aunt Nancy.
(CHUCKLING)
Good night, Willy.
Good night.
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
Wow.
Agnes! Agnes!
Hurry, come on!
Yes, Mr. Miles.
Take over.
Yes, Mr. Miles.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Oh! Oh.
You all right?
Good brakes.
They'd better be.
I can't afford to run down
the boss's daughter.
Why don't I pack us
a picnic lunch?
This is the kind of a day
to play hooky.
I've already thought of that.
Good.
But I'm on my way
to pick up Nancy.
There was a washout
last night,
and the train's been stalled
about five miles out of town.
Oh. Well, I guess
a big railroad like that
can get her here safely.
Probably,
but I... I did promise
to pick her up.
All right, I'll go with you.
No, but I
promised her, I...
Unless I'm in the way.
Oh, no.
No, you're not in the way.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
What happened
in Los Angeles?
I saw Colonel Blair,
and he thinks
I should get my papers
in a week or so.
I know Karen Blair quite well.
Perhaps I can
speed up your orders?
That'd be wonderful.
Don't mention it.
Beautiful tune.
The words are pretty, too.
Do you know them?
I think so.
Love is all that matters
And we've got love
We have walked off
with a prize
The stars
that I used to see
Are not
where they used to be
They only will shine for me
in your eyes
You are all that matters
And I've got you
We're on top
and we won't fall
No fortune
that we can boast
We're happy
with tea and toast
For we've got love
And love matters most
of all
(EXCLAIMING)
Good morning, Willy.
Oh, uh, good morning,
Aunt Nancy.
Did you sleep well?
Yes, fine, thank you.
What happened?
The train ain't moving?
A bridge washed out
down the road.
There's nothing
to be frightened of.
Oh, I'm not frightened
when I'm with you.
That's very nice.
You know, someday,
I hope I have
a little man like you.
That's very nice.
You know something?
When I met you last night,
that was the nicest thing
that ever happened to me.
Well, thank you, Willy.
Well, you know,
it... it's like...
Well, everything
is different.
It's...
Well, it's very hard
to explain,
but I have
a very funny feeling
in my stomach.
What you need
is a good breakfast.
You're a growing boy.
Oh, that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.
We'll have a nice talk
right after breakfast.
Oh, but this
is very important.
I'm sure it is,
and I want to hear
all about it.
Well, I'd like to
start from the beginning.
After breakfast.
But this is very important!
Now, what would you like?
How about some oatmeal
and a nice big glass
of milk, huh?
That'll build up
your strength.
I'll take a look
down this way.
Oh, hello.
Hello.
Do you have
a Nancy Collins listed?
Nancy Collins.
Let me see.
Cooper, Collins, yes.
Drawing Room B.
Right in here.
Thanks.
(BELL BUZZING)
Nancy?
Nancy?
Nancy.
(SCREAMS)
Beg your pardon,
I must have the wrong...
Wrong
room.
Excuse me.
That's quite all right.
Oh! Oh, why, Gretchen.
What are you doing here?
I drove down with Bob.
He was worried about you.
How nice. Where is he?
Well, I'm sure
it doesn't matter.
You seem to have
plenty of company.
What do you mean?
If I were you,
I'd stay on this train
and keep going.
What are you... Oh! Oh!
Oh, I'm so sorry.
You're sorry.
Oh.
Well, Gretchen,
what happened to you?
I found Nancy.
What'd you do,
have breakfast with her?
I think
you better not go in there.
Why?
Well, she's sharing
her drawing room with a man.
Nancy?
He was in bed
when I walked in.
Oh, there's some mistake.
Yes, there's a mistake
all right,
and Nancy's made it.
Gretchen, I think
you've said about enough.
Well, I saw him!
You coming?
No.
Not until I hear Nancy's side
of the story.
Uh-huh.
Drawing Room B.
I'll see you at school.
Aunt Nancy,
I still have something
on my mind.
(BELL BUZZING)
BOB: Nancy.
Oh, no!
Wilbur.
Hello, Bob.
We'd better
do something fast.
Gretchen thinks
there's a man in here.
It's Willy.
Willy? Willy!
Willy?
Hello.
Oh, it's the kid!
You two know
one another, huh?
Sure, I'm his part-time uncle.
I bought him his train ticket.
But what's he doin' here?
He wasn't feeling well
last night,
so I let him sleep here.
And Gretchen doesn't know
he's a little boy.
She was in too big a hurry
to spread the word.
I'll bet you
that board meeting's
goin' on right this minute.
Well, I felt it was my duty
to come to you, the board,
and... and give you an insight
into the private life
of Nancy Collins.
It's the most
outrageous conduct
I've ever heard of.
Miss Brendan, you say
you actually saw this man
in her, uh... drawing room?
Oh, yes, Professor Okell.
And when I confronted her
with it,
she hit me with a tray.
(MEMBERS EXCLAIMING)
This is outrageous.
No breath of scandal
has ever touched
the Brendan School for Girls,
nor shall it now.
I move that we vote
for the dismissal of...
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Oh, I'm sorry I'm late,
Mrs. Brendan,
but I had a train to meet.
We were just taking a vote
on the dismissal
of Nancy Collins.
Good, I'll vote, no.
You'll what?
Don't you think Nancy
should be allowed
to testify on her own behalf?
I hardly think
she'd have the nerve
to appear, let alone testify.
Have you heard
what happened?
I was there. I saw it.
You... You mean
you saw the man?
Did I?
He was very suave,
sophisticated.
A man of the world.
You know,
Nancy never had a chance.
Well, that explains
everything.
I'll let you see
for yourself.
(ALL MURMURING)
Mr. Wilbur Hoolick.
WILBUR: Hello.
I... I can do a trick!
Want to see it?
Excuse me, Aunt Nancy,
I'm gonna do a...
Help me with the trick.
Oh, Wilbur, stop.
Help me with the trick!
I want to do it! One trick.
Hold my hands and then...
All right.
Oh!
I landed right on my feet.
Very suave.
And, uh, and a good trick.
Oh, swords!
Wilbur!
Come on, let's have a fight
like you see in the movies!
En garde!
Wilbur!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Wilbur!
See?
Oh, no!
Oh, no, spare me, sir.
Give me that.
Oh, please, spare my life.
Be a good boy!
Oh, thank you.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you very much.
Kill you!
And you, men,
take the helm and take over!
It's not loaded!
(WOMEN SCREAMING)
That's the signal!
Board the boat, men!
Board the boat, men!
All right, rocket service!
Let's drink a toast.
That was a successful voyage.
Throw it down!
No!
Throw it down!
(WHINING)
Throw it down!
Oh!
Call the meeting to order.
Young man!
Mrs. Brendan,
I believe I can explain.
You see, Willy, here,
had a tummy ache last night.
There was no place
for him to sleep,
so I invited him
to stay in my drawing room.
Well, I... I think
that was highly commendable.
I apologize
if I have violated any rules.
Well, under
these circumstances...
Meeting's adjourned.
That's right.
I'm sorry, Nancy.
Well, I... I better be going.
Now, it would be a shame
to lose such an adorable
little boy so soon.
Why don't you stay
for the Saturday night party?
I'm sure you'd enjoy
meeting all the little girls.
No, I think
I'd better be running along.
Good.
Thank you, Aunt Nancy.
Goodbye, everybody.
ALL: Goodbye.
Bye!
Hello.
(STUTTERING)
(SCREAMING)
(BOB GROANING)
Surprise, I'm back.
I thought you were leavin'.
Oh, I decided to stay
for the party.
How nice.
Well, I have a class.
I'll see you later, Willy.
Yeah.
You know, I'm glad
you changed your mind.
Oh, yeah,
I'd much rather be in here
than out there.
I know, you can room
with my brother.
He's just about your age.
Oh, won't that be
a lot of fun.
Bob, will you take him
over to my house?
I'll join you later.
You know, there are 200 girls
waiting to meet you.
Oh, and I just can't wait
to meet them.
Come on, Wilbur.
He's a remarkable boy.
GIRL: Come on, hurry!
Come on.
Oh, get it!
No, no!
Catch, Uncle Bob.
Wilbur, come here.
(STUTTERING) Thank you
for the game.
Come on, come on.
Come here!
What is this,
an obstacle course?
Wilbur! Come on, Wilbur.
What kind of school
are you running here, anyhow?
It's a school for girls,
and the reception committee
is going to be here
any minute.
I don't need
no reception committee.
Of course you do.
Why should
you be any different?
Because I don't think
I need a reception committee.
(BAND PLAYING)
GIRLS: Face the music
when you've got trouble
Face it, face it
and you'll chase it far away
Just face the music
You'll make
your worry hurry, scurry
Not a care
will dare to stay
The drums are drumming
You should be humming
Joy is coming
Coming for to make you gay
So blow the trumpets,
bang the cymbals
When they start to play
Face the music
Play the music
Every day's a happy day
(PANTING)
I want to march.
You can't march.
I want to lead the march!
All right, march. Fall in!
(DRUMBEAT ROLLING)
Face the music
when you've got trouble
Face it, face it
and you'll chase it far away
Just face the music
You'll make your worry
hurry, scurry
Not a care
will dare to stay
The drums are drumming
You should be humming
Joy is coming
Coming for to make you gay
So blow the trumpets,
bang the cymbals
When they start to play
Face the music
When there's music
Every day's a happy day.
Fall in!
GIRLS: Face the music
Face it
and you'll chase
your troubles away
Face the music
Hurry
Not a care
will dare to stay
Drums are drumming
Joy is coming
Joy is coming
to make you gay
The trumpets,
cymbals, start to play
Every day's a happy day
Face the music
Face the music
Face the music
Every day
is gonna be a happy day
Face the music
Play the music
Every day's a happy day.
GIRLS: Wilbur!
Gretchen?
That's Aunt Gretchen.
Gretchen?
Oh, here you are.
You're just in time.
I was about to fix some tea.
Oh, I can't stay.
I'm late for my class now.
I just come over
to deliver Wilbur.
Well, if you can't.
Have a good time.
Thank you.
I'll see you later.
Bye, Bob.
Bye.
Oh, where's my suitcase?
Your suitcase
is in Michael's room.
Come along.
I'm sure you two will
get along just fine.
Oh, thank you, Aunt Gretchen.
Here's my hat.
(MACHINE RATTLING)
(SIGHS)
Oh, Michael!
How many times
have I told you
to clean up this room?
I brought you
a weekend guest.
Thanks.
This is Wilbur Hoolick.
My brother, Michael.
Hello.
Hi.
Well, I'll leave you two
to get acquainted.
Thank you very much,
Aunt Gretchen.
Oh, my goodness.
Look at all those
pretty rocks and stones.
(DOOR CLOSING)
My, there must be
a million of 'em here.
How old are you, anyway?
Twenty? Twenty-five?
What are you talkin' about?
You crazy?
I... I'm just a little kid.
Yeah?
I looked through
your suitcase.
How often do you shave?
Once every day.
That's better.
Well, you're not going to
give me away,
are you, Mike?
It's very important to Nancy
that you don't.
She'll be in very big trouble
if you do.
Now, why are you
dressed up like that?
Oh, well, to help Nancy.
Okay, but why are you
dressed up like that?
To help Nancy.
You see, I can't
explain it now, Mike,
except that
if they find out, see,
that I'm a grown-up man,
it can get Nancy
in all kinds of trouble, see.
We don't want that to happen.
So you'll help me out, huh?
Okay.
Good.
Do you collect rocks, too?
No, not really.
Then what are you doing
with this?
Oh, that ain't mine.
I found this in your suitcase
in your pants' pocket.
Oh. It still ain't mine.
Can I have it?
Sure, be my guest.
Thanks.
I'll run a test on it.
I'm going to be a geologist.
Oh, that's swell.
What do we do now?
Let's go.
Let's go.
We better pick out
a nice fancy suit for you.
Oh, I don't need
anything fancy.
That's what you think.
We got to get rid
of that square outfit.
Square outfit? Yeah,
I guess it is a little square.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Just a minute!
Let's go.
Let's go again.
Mr. Hoolick,
my name is Skeets Powell,
and I've been sent
to welcome you
on behalf of the student body.
Oh, well,
thank you very much,
but I'm not...
We drew lots for you.
I've got you
from 1:00 till 3:00,
and then Ann Brown
has you from 3:00 to 3:30.
Joan Francis gets you
until 4:15,
and then Natalie Lee
has you until 5:00.
Oh, looks like
I'm booked solid.
Yeah, well, look,
I'll pick you up
in 15 minutes,
so don't be late. Bye!
Bye!
I got 15 minutes yet.
Who was that?
Skeets.
Oh.
(GIRLS CHATTERING)
Good afternoon, Willy.
Good afternoon, Aunt Nancy.
It couldn't be.
No.
I hope our amusing
little school isn't
boring you too much.
A school's a school.
How clever!
A school is a school.
It just came to me.
Gee, I'm awful glad
you could stay, Wilbur.
Oh, I am, too.
Except I can only stay
over the weekend.
Oh.
Would you like to
sit down for a while?
Okay.
No, sit over here.
No.
Close your eyes. Real tight.
(GASPS)
Why do you want...
Oh, you scared me.
I was going to ask you
why you wanted me
to close my eyes.
Well, Wilbur seems to
know his way around a campus,
doesn't he?
I can't understand that.
I could have sworn
he was the shy, studious type.
I'll say.
Man, dig that crazy homework.
I better have
a little talk with him.
I don't think
he understands girls.
Neither do I.
I wish you'd have
a little talk with me.
I got to get out of here.
Hey.
Kiss me! Kiss me!
Oh, no!
Get away, you!
Remember, girls,
tomorrow we're having a test
on the alloyed group.
I want a list
of all our enzyme experiments.
Are there any questions?
Class dismissed.
Hi, dreamboat.
I'm not talkin' to you.
Skeets.
(DOOR CLOSING)
You want to see me,
Aunt Nancy?
Well, yes, Willy.
I... I wanted to have
a little talk with you.
Uh-huh.
(CLEARING THROAT)
I'm rather worried
about you, Willy.
Did I do somethin' wrong?
Oh, no, no.
I don't think so.
Oh, no, I'm sure not.
Well, I...
Uh, what I mean to say is,
well, I don't think
you know very much
about girls, do you?
I wouldn't want you
to get into trouble.
What kind of trouble?
It's difficult
to explain, but...
Well, some people
are born girls,
and some people
are born boys.
I'm glad.
It makes it so much nicer
for dancing.
Yes.
What I'm trying
to say, Willy,
is that girls are usually
more mature than boys.
You have to be careful.
Oh, you're talkin' about
the birds and the bees.
I'm talking about
you kissing Skeets
in the park.
Well, can you explain that?
Not in one afternoon.
Well, now, it's...
It's perfectly all right
for little girls
and little boys to kiss.
I don't mean that,
but there's a...
Well, there is
a certain way to do it.
Oh, you mean
little girls come with
a set of instructions?
No. No, what I mean is
there are different kinds
of kisses.
There. Is that clear?
No.
Unless you mean
little girls and little boys
should kiss like this.
Yes, yes, that's it.
Is that what I was doing?
No, I'm... I'm afraid
it wasn't.
You mean I was doing
something like this.
Yes.
(STUTTERING)
Yes. That looked like
what you were doing.
And I should have
been doing this.
Yes, that's it.
Now I'm all confused.
I forgot
what I'm not supposed to do.
Wilbur.
Oh, yeah. I remember now.
(STUTTERING)
That's enough!
Hello, Bob.
Hello.
Look,
you stick to the little ones.
The big ones are mine.
Now, don't... don't
be silly.
I was just telling Willy here
how to protect himself.
I don't think
Wilbur needs protection.
You want to see
the way little boys kiss?
Well, that's nice, Wilbur.
This comes a little later.
Now cut that out!
What's wrong with you?
Oh, oh, nothing's wrong.
I was just trying to show you
what I shouldn't do.
Well, that's right.
That's what you shouldn't do.
(BELL RINGING)
No.
Well, I... I must go.
I hope you won't forget
our little talk, Willy.
No, I won't forget,
Aunt Nancy.
(DOOR CLOSING)
Goodbye, Uncle Bob.
Now, wait a minute.
I want to have
a little talk with you.
Oh, oh, I can't.
Natalie has me until 4:30.
Natalie can wait.
Why don't you straighten up?
Oh, I am straightened up.
It's just that
my shoulders are stupid.
That's funny,
I got stupid shoulders.
I have to go.
Now, look.
It's possible
I could have had you
all wrong.
Had me all wrong?
Maybe you are a nice,
simple, warm-hearted kid
after all.
Yeah, and a loyal,
trustworthy pal.
That's right.
Yeah.
Cigar, pal?
Oh, thanks, pal.
(COUGHING)
It's a cigar!
It's a real cigar!
What did you think
it was, Wilbur?
W-What did I think it was?
Oh, I... I thought
it was a candy cigar.
My daddy always gave me
candy cigars.
Candy cigar?
Yeah.
Did it taste
anything like this?
Did it taste...
I'll see.
I'll wait.
I... I'm not sure.
Let's try again, Wilbur.
I don't think it's the same.
We must be positive.
Pal.
I feel awful.
I got some medicine
that'll fix you right up.
How do like your Scotch?
Plain or with soda?
On the rocks.
On the rocks?
Oh, on the rocks
is what my daddy always says
when he orders
that nasty whiskey.
I can't make up my mind
about you.
Let me feel your muscle.
Let me see your grip.
Oh. I know that one.
Jujitsu!
Isn't that good?
Mr. Miles?
Yes.
There are two gentlemen here
to see you.
They say
it's very important.
I'll be right with you.
Don't go away.
Don't go away.
No.
(DOOR CLOSING)
(BELL RINGING)
Wrong color.
What, uh, can I do for you?
Lieutenant O'Malley,
Los Angeles Homicide Squad.
Sergeant Brown.
Hi, Sergeant.
Can I help you?
Yes, you can be very helpful.
We trailed
a killer down here.
A killer?
You know Wilbur Hoolick?
Wilbur Hoolick, a killer?
He's not a killer.
Well, I didn't think so.
He's just a kid.
He isn't a kid, either.
He isn't a kid?
No.
How old is he?
I'd say about your age.
My age?
Sit down.
But you don't understand...
Sit down!
I'm telling you all this
in confidence.
He's the only hope we have
of catching the killer.
The man we're after
is after Hoolick.
He's after Hoolick.
When he strikes,
we'll catch him.
But we need someone
to keep an eye on Wilbur
every minute.
Do you mind
if I tell my girl about this?
You're to tell no one.
Wilbur's life is at stake.
It's more at stake
than you think.
I knew we could
count on you.
We'll keep in touch
with you.
Good day.
Good day.
My age?
Hello, Mr. Miles.
Not now!
(WILBUR WHISTLING)
Wilbur?
Oh, hello, Uncle Bob.
Did you see those men?
I saw them.
Wilbur.
What?
When you were on the train,
did you spend the whole night
in Nancy's drawing room?
Aunt Nancy's drawing room.
Yes, I did.
Where did you sleep.
(NASALLY)
in aunt Nancy's drawing room?
In bed. Ha, ha.
And she came downstairs
and she tucked me in
because I was nervous.
You were nervous?
Well, what are you
so nervous about?
You weren't even there!
That's what
I'm nervous about!
Oh, oh.
Excuse me.
Sure.
Drink hearty, Uncle Bob.
Wilbur?
Yeah.
I like you.
You do?
I'm going to keep
a close eye on you.
Why?
To keep you out of trouble.
Here, you hold this?
Yes.
(GASPS)
Did you hear that?
What?
Footsteps! Footsteps!
Oh!
Mrs. Brendan!
Oh!
Don't let her catch you
with that whiskey!
Get rid of it. Not there!
No, not there! Get rid of it!
Here, get rid of it!
Don't let her
catch you with it!
Drink it, drink it!
Good boy.
Oh, it's you. Come in.
Well, the sign says...
Oh, come on in.
What are you doing?
A little spying.
Spying, on who?
On Gretchen.
You see,
Bob can't figure out
why he hasn't been
called back to active duty.
Mr. Miles?
Yeah.
Bob?
Yeah.
He's in the Army?
Well, sure.
He's in the reserves.
Gee, now, if they called him
back to active duty,
then Nancy and me...
What?
Oh, I was just wondering
to myself.
How come
he wasn't called back?
Well, read this.
It's from Gretchen
to Colonel Blair's wife.
You shouldn't read
other people's mail.
That's not very nice.
I'll read it to you.
"Dear Karen,
just a note to thank you
for your cooperation"
"in helping to keep Bob here."
"I don't know what the school
would do without him,"
"or for that matter,
what I would do without him."
"I will return the favor
someday."
"Gobs of love, Gretchen."
Why, that dirty
double-crosser.
What did I tell you?
I'd do anything
to help Bob go overseas.
So would I.
Oh, I mean, I would like
to help him out, too,
'cause he's
a very nice fellow.
I have an idea.
Look, how would it be
if you and I wrote
another letter
to Colonel Blair's wife,
and in that letter...
No, but we would
change all the words our way.
No.
How would it...
Oh, I know.
We'll have Gretchen
phone Colonel Blair's wife.
Say, that's great.
Oh, wait a minute.
Gretchen would never do that.
And I have
a sneaking suspicion
that's exactly
what she's going to do.
Here.
Huh?
Dormitory. Okay.
Hello?
WOMAN: The time, please.
The time?
The time is exactly 7:57.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Hello.
Oh, it's you.
I... I'm awful sorry, Skeets,
that I didn't talk to you
in the lab,
but, you see,
Aunt Nancy was watching.
Oh, that's okay, Wilbur.
Are you going to dance with me
tomorrow night, Wilbur?
Sure, I'd like that.
You like to dance?
Oh, gee, I... I'd rather dance
than eat.
Would you like to see
a real good step?
Oh, I'd love to, Wilbur.
All right.
Real gone, man.
Oh, that was nothing.
I could dance a lot better
if I had music.
Hey, wait a minute.
I got a portable radio
in my room!
Yeah?
Only it's against
the rules for me
to leave the switchboard.
(SCATTING)
I'll be right back.
Crazy.
Hello? Hello? Hello?
Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?
WOMAN 1: Operator.
Hello.
Can I please
have long distance?
For long distance,
dial 110.
Oh, all right, thank you.
WOMAN 2: Long Distance.
Hello?
Oh, hello, long distance.
I would like to
place a call, please,
to Mrs. Karen Blair,
that's Colonel Blair's wife,
at March Field, California.
One moment, please.
Yes, thank you, I'll wait.
Long distance?
Are you still there?
Are you ready for your call?
Yes, I'm ready.
KAREN: Hello?
(MIMICKING GRETCHEN)
Karen, darling.
How divine
to talk to you again.
It's been a long time.
Yes, it has been
a long time, hasn't it?
Much too long,
you naughty girl, you.
We must get together again
real soon for
a rousing game of mahjong.
Oh, I'd just love to.
Oh, by the way,
Karen, my dear.
I have an enormous favor
to ask of you.
My Bobby...
Booby?
No, not booby.
Bobby. Talked to your husband
about going overseas?
Yes, I've been
talking to him.
Yes, I know.
You've been
a perfect angel about it,
but I've changed my mind.
You have?
I think that
Robert should go.
Are you sure Bob wants to?
All right, Gretchen,
I'll tell my husband
that Bob's changed his mind.
Oh, thank you, Karen.
You're such a darling!
I'll tell him
he should have his orders
in the next 24 hours.
Goodbye, Gretchen.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
You're real crazy,
aren't you?
GIRL: Oh, dear!
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
What are you doing?
I'm leavin'.
I have to get out of here.
Listen,
if I leave my suitcase,
will you send it to me?
I guess so.
You're just gonna
sneak out of here
without saying goodbye
to anyone?
Well, I have to.
You say goodbye to Nancy
for me, huh?
What do you want me
to tell her?
Tell her, uh...
Just tell her goodbye, huh?
You!
Help!
Quiet or I'll kill you
right here.
(WHISPERING)
Okay. Help, help, save me!
(GRUNTING)
Hey, there!
(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
(DOOR OPENING)
(MUSIC STOPS)
Nancy. Nancy?
What are you doing here?
I saw someone
crawl through this window.
You're mistaken.
You mustn't let them
find you here.
Men aren't allowed
in this building.
I know,
I didn't want anything
to happen to you,
but I saw a white thing
crawl through here,
and it looked like Wilbur.
NANCY: Oh, that's ridiculous.
Wilbur wouldn't do
a thing like that.
You're very fond of him,
aren't you?
Very.
I wish he belonged to me.
You could do with a little of
Wilbur's manners, you know.
I'm sure
they must be very charming,
but he certainly
didn't have any trouble
worming his way in.
Well, no, he didn't.
And he doesn't come climbing
into people's rooms
in the middle of the night,
either.
What was that?
NANCY: I don't know.
BOB: Let's go find out.
(MEOWING)
Oh, a cat.
I don't have a cat.
You don't have a cat?
Well, how do you explain this?
(STUTTERING)
Well, uh, maybe
the wind blew against it
and knocked it over.
Nancy, there's somebody
in here.
Are you accusing me
of hiding a man in here?
I'm not accusing you, Nancy.
I trust you.
I don't trust Wilbur.
How can you pick on anyone
as sweet and fine as Wilbur?
I know him a lot better
than you do, Bobby. Leave me.
Wilbur is not
what he seems to be.
Oh, you found that out, too.
The first night.
First night?
I know he seems
kind of silly and awkward,
but inside he has
a fine and sensitive spirit.
"A fine
and sensitive spirit"?
Wilbur?
I don't want to talk about it
anymore tonight.
I've had a hard day.
Why don't you go to bed?
I will. I will as soon
as I take my shower!
(SHOWER STOPS RUNNING)
Wilbur?
Yeah.
Oh.
(EXCLAIMS)
(DOOR OPENING)
BOB: Nancy?
Bob, what's the matter
with you?
If they catch you here,
the two of us
will be thrown out of school.
You mean the three of us.
I saw him come in here.
You saw who come in here?
Your boyfriend, Wilbur.
(NANCY CHUCKLING)
What's wrong with you,
darling?
Oh, save your "darlings"
for Wilbur.
I tell you, at this moment,
Wilbur is in his room
sound asleep.
He's not here?
He's not here.
He's in his room
sound asleep?
He's in his room
sound asleep.
Okay, I'm gonna find out.
You do that.
Good evening.
(MUMBLING)
We're delighted
that you both could come.
We were happy to come.
Would you excuse me, please?
Certainly.
Enjoy yourselves.
I've been trying to see you
all day.
I locked my windows.
And what's that
supposed to mean?
You can figure that out
for yourself.
(ALL APPLAUDING)
Maybe Wilbur can help me.
Bob, I don't know
what's come over you lately.
You've just got to stop
picking on Wilbur!
Bob, what
are you waiting for?
What?
You're next, your song.
Oh, my song.
We'll continue this later.
Your eyes are simpatico
Tonight they have told me
That you'll be simpatico
To me alone
Your arms are simpatico
And when they enfold me
They hold me within a spell
No lover has known
When you do the things
you do to me
Every thrill I knew
is new to me
Go on and do the things
you do to me
When you do what you do
You're so sympathetic
Which means you're simpatico
Which means I'm in heaven
And heaven will be our home
When you are mine
When you do the things
you do to me
Every thrill I knew
is new to me
Go on and do the things
you do to me
When you do what you do
You're so sympathetic
Which means you're simpatico
Which means I'm in heaven
And heaven will be our home
When you are mine
Promise that
you'll stay simpatico
Come what may,
you'll stay simpatico
The way
that I will stay simpatico
When you are mine
(CLEARING THROAT)
Hello, Aunt Nancy.
Hello, Willy.
Why aren't you inside
dancing?
Oh, I am dancing inside.
I mean, inside I'm dancing.
I know what you mean.
That's very grown-up.
Uh, can I
ask you a question?
That's ungrammatical,
but tonight's a holiday.
What is it?
Well, do you believe
in love at first sight?
Willy, you've fallen in love
with one of the girls here,
haven't you?
Uh-huh.
Does she love you, too?
Well, she's very fond of me,
and she thinks
I have a very fine
and sensitive spirit.
So do I.
You tell her I said
you'd make a fine husband
when the time comes.
I think the time's coming.
Nancy, I think you're
the most wonderful girl
I ever met in my whole life,
and I haven't slept a wink
since I kissed you.
Willy, little boys
don't talk like that.
Yes, I know, and I never
could talk to girls.
I mean, I usually
get very tongue-tied
when I'm around girls.
But not when I'm around you.
That's very sweet.
I'm very grateful, but...
Willy, I'm too old for you.
My mom and dad got married
when she was 17.
Yes, that's different.
That's old enough
for a girl to get married.
Yeah, but my dad
was only 12.
Well, if I was older,
do you think
that I would make
a very good husband?
If you were older,
I think you'd make
a wonderful husband.
I'll be back when I'm 25.
Will you wait?
That's a long time to wait.
It won't be as long
as you think.
Now don't move.
I'll be right back.
Nancy?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
What are we fightin' about?
I don't know.
I guess I do. I'm jealous.
Of Wilbur?
He's only 14 years old.
He is?
Well, how old
did you think he was?
Oh, much older.
I mean,
he's very mature for 14.
I thought he was
at least 15.
Oh, Bob, you're so silly.
(CLEARING THROAT)
Now let's see.
"Nancy, I know
I'm not very much,"
"but I am old enough."
"And I couldn't
love you any more
if I were 100 years old."
No, that's no good.
"Nancy, honey,
if you marry me,"
"I'll be the happiest,
luckiest man
in the whole world."
BOB: Nancy, honey,
if you marry me,
I'll be the happiest, luckiest
man in the whole world.
NANCY:
Of course I'll marry you.
BOB: Nancy.
It wouldn't have
worked out anyway.
I'm too tall for her.
Lover boy!
Hello, Mrs. Brendan.
Hello, Wilbur.
SKEETS: Lover boy!
(PEOPLE VOCALIZING)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
What are you doin' here?
Oh, I'm just
passing through.
Keep passing.
Yeah.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(ORCHESTRA TUNING)
(CHOKING)
Help!
Now what do you want?
I... I want to stay here.
You can't stay here.
Yeah,
but you're stayin' here.
I'm conducting.
Oh, you mean, if you conduct,
you can stay here?
That's right, get out.
All right, I want to conduct.
You can't conduct.
I want to conduct!
No!
Let Wilbur conduct.
MAN 1: Let Wilbur conduct!
MAN 2: Go ahead, Wilbur!
Now by popular demand,
we bring you
the interstate choir
conducted by Wilbur Hoolick!
Good luck.
Oh, don't go, Mr. Miles.
Help me out with this number.
What number is it?
I Like to Hike.
So do I,
but what's the song?
I Like to Hike
is the name of the song,
and do it
with dignity. Dignity!
Oh, yeah.
I... I'll be dignity.
(CLEARING THROAT)
(MUMBLING)
(ALL VOCALIZING)
Life is glorious.
(SOFTLY) Life is glorious.
(ALOUD) Grand and glorious.
(SOFTLY) Grand and glorious.
And...
And when the shadow's long
We all sit around
the campfire
Campfire
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Was I too loud?
No, that wasn't bad at all.
Thank you.
The night birds gently call
And call and call and call
You cannot sleep
at all
It's time to hit the trail
It's time to hit the trail
(VOCALS RISING AND DROPPING)
It's time
to hit the lofty trail
It's time
to hit the lofty trail
(CHOIR VOCALIZING)
I never like to travel
by automobile or bike
The only way to travel along
is to travel
along the way you like
And as for me,
I like, I like to hike
He likes to hike
He likes to hike
He hates to pedal a bike
It's time to climb the peak
It's time
to climb the peak
The dawn
breaks through the sky
Again you'll hear the cry
And then you hear
Again you hear
From the land
you hear the cry.
That was beautiful.
Did you really think so?
I loved it.
Would you like to
hear it again?
Please.
Will you wait here?
From the land you hear the
cry
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I've climbed a lot
of mountain peaks
Including the peak of Pike
The peak of Pike
was a heck of a hike
But I'll never, never,
never rest
until I conquer Everest
We'll never, ever,
ever rest
until we conquer Everest
We like to hike
We like to hike
We like to hike
We like to hike
We like to hike
We like to hike
We like to hike
We like to hike
We like to hike
We like to hike
We like to hike
We like to hike
We like to hike
We like to hike
We like to hike
We like to hike
We
like
to hike
We like to hike.
Get out!
Mrs. Brendan?
Yes.
You wanted to see me?
Yes, I did.
The, uh, girl said
it was urgent, Mr...
Uh, Hoolick.
I'm Wilbur's father.
Oh, how nice to meet you.
Do sit down.
Thank you.
I hope
our keeping Wilbur here
didn't inconvenience you.
A little, but it's going to
be all right.
When did you want to
take him home?
Uh, now.
The sooner the better.
Oh. I'll have him
sent down here.
SKEETS: Yes, Mrs. Brendan?
Skeets, would you
have Wilbur Hoolick
sent to my office, please?
Wilbur will be delighted
to see you.
He'll be surprised
to see me.
Gee!
"Majuba diamond murderer.
Police baffled."
(MAN WHISTLING)
Wilbur's the killer!
Boy, these straight razors
sure do the job, boy.
You know somethin', Mike?
I want to thank you.
You've been very,
very helpful to me,
and believe me
when I tell you,
I ain't gonna forget you.
You won't?
No.
(STUTTERING) Well, I mean,
I'd just as soon you would.
What do you mean, pal?
We've been buddies,
we're friends.
What do you mean forget you?
And the gang back home,
they'll love you.
But I'm too young
to be with a gang.
Yeah, maybe you're right, kid.
Yeah, well, maybe
we'll give you a few years.
Wait, Willy.
Wait just a minute!
I won't tell on you. Please!
Please, don't kill me!
You don't want to die, huh?
Well, don't worry about it,
sonny.
I'm gonna let you live.
Oh, boy, thanks.
Oh, boy, you're welcome,
but on one condition.
You gotta keep
your mouth shut,
you understand?
Sure.
You don't talk to nobody.
You just keep your mouth shut.
(AGREEING)
Don't say a word to no one.
You keep everything quiet.
You don't say nothin'.
Nothin'. Nothin'.
You don't say nothin'
to anybody.
You keep your mouth shut
and be sure
you just do like I tell you.
Then you won't get
into any trouble.
Shut up!
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Someone's at the door.
Let's see who it is.
Well, let's go.
You get the door.
Okay, sure.
But be sure
when you open the door,
you don't say nothin'.
Remember what I told you.
Keep your mouth shut.
Don't say nothin' to nobody.
Just open the door,
see who's there,
and that's all.
You don't talk to nobody.
You understand?
Just open the door,
that's all
I'm askin' you to do.
Well, open the door!
Okay.
Hi, Wilbur, how are you?
I'm in no mood
to get engaged today.
Do you feel all right,
Wilbur?
I'm fine.
What's on your mind, baby?
Well, Mrs. Brendan
wanted to see you
in her office right away.
Why?
She didn't say.
I'll walk back with you
if you want me to.
Okay, but no swans.
No swans.
Get my coat!
Sure, sure.
Skeets!
Yes?
(WHISTLING)
Nothin'.
Wilbur's
a very remarkable boy.
In this day and age,
it's so difficult
to rear a child properly.
Yes.
I wouldn't give you 10-to-1
on a boy like Wilbur
living to grow up.
Oh, that's a little
on the pessimistic side,
Mr. Hoolick.
All right,
I'll make it 8-to-1.
Oh, really.
Here he is, Mrs. Brendan.
Hello, Mrs. Brendan,
did you want to...
(STUTTERING)
Surprised?
Of course he is.
I've had a hard time
catching up with Wilbur.
Now you have him back
safe and sound.
It was just
a question of time.
Shall we go, son?
Now?
You wouldn't want to
worry Mama.
No, I wouldn't.
Take good care of him.
Oh, he'll be taken care of.
I don't want to go.
Why, Wilbur?
Yes, tell her why.
Well, because, you see,
I'm not really a little...
I like it here.
I want to go to school here.
This is a girls' school.
That's why I like it here.
Now, Wilbur,
you mustn't hurt
your father's feelings.
You wouldn't do that,
would you, Wilbur?
No.
You know how sensitive I am.
He's very sensitive.
You're choking him,
Mr. Hoolick.
Oh.
(COUGHS)
Come along, son.
You don't have much time.
It's been nice
meeting you, Mr. Hoolick.
It's been very nice
meeting you, Mrs. Brendan.
Goodbye, Wilbur.
Don't say that,
Mrs. Brendan!
All right, you.
Where is it?
Why did you tell Mrs. Brendan
you're my father?
Where is it?
Where's what?
Look, when I get through
working you over,
you'll tell me where it is.
Or do you want to talk now?
All right, I'll talk.
Well, talk!
How's Mama?
(GRUNTING)
This way.
I don't know
what you're mad at me for!
I didn't do anything to you,
and I didn't do anything
to your wife!
No one ever
double-crossed me.
No one living.
What do you want from me?
I know you have that diamond.
I put it
in your pocket myself.
There's nothing in my...
Is this what you want?
All right, here.
I don't want it.
Are we friends now?
BOB: Wilbur!
Huh?
Stop him, he's a crook!
Hey! Hey, man!
Man! Man!
Man, wait!
Mister, will you wait?
They want...
Mister... You...
Mister man!
BOB: Stop him, Wilbur!
He killed a man!
He killed a man?
He won't get away!
I... I got him!
Ooh!
Oh! Oh, water! Wait!
I don't know how to do this!
I can't swim!
Oh!
Oh! Oh, oh!
Hold on, Wilbur! Hold on!
Look out!
Look out! Coming through!
MAN: What's going on?
(SCREAMING)
Oh, falling! Falling!
Oh, man!
(EXCLAIMING)
Easy!
Ooh!
(GROANING)
Mommy!
(EXCLAIMING)
Wait! Wait!
Watch your head, Wilbur!
What?
(GROANS)
(GRUNTING)
Whoa! Ooh!
Help! Help me!
Bye!
Help!
(SCREAMING)
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
Look out!
Ham!
Look out! Look out!
Stay where you are!
Get me out of this.
Wilbur! Wilbur!
(SCREAMING)
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
Look out!
(WILBUR EXCLAIMING)
(SCREAMING)
Go back. Go back!
Now what did you do
this for?
I missed you.
I was lonesome out there.
Well, I didn't miss you,
and I wasn't lonesome.
Will you put me down?
All right.
Bye!
Get up!
Get up!
Oh, don't shoot,
don't shoot!
Stand still!
Stand still!
No shooting me! No shooting!
WILBUR: Save me!
(WILBUR LAUGHING)
Help me!
Easy, easy, Wilbur.
Easy, Come on, sit down.
Attaboy.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
What's new?
Oh, look!
(GRUNTING)
Bombs away!
I got the diamond.
Oh, let's see.
Easy!
Oh, it's beautiful.
Isn't it beautiful?
It's just like...
(BELL RINGING)
CONDUCTOR: All aboard!
All aboard!
I wonder where Wilbur is.
I'd sure like to say goodbye.
He was in such a hurry
to start his new job,
he asked me
to say goodbye for him.
Oh, it's hard to
get used to the idea
of Wilbur being a grown man.
He was such
a sweet little boy.
Fine, but let's not forget
he is a grown man.
All aboard!
I won't forget.
(HORN BLOWING)
All right.
Thanks for comin' down
to see me off.
Don't you know
why girls go to trains
to see fellas off?
No, why?
To say goodbye!
All right, give me the works.
(SCATTING)
Oh, no!
Voila!
Oh, no, no!
NARRATOR: This is Los Angeles.
Looks peaceful and quiet,
doesn't it?
But don't let it fool you.
A jewel robbery and a murder
are about to happen.
I'm Nancy Collins.
I'd like to confirm
a return reservation
to Twin Lakes, Oregon.
Right.
(BELL DINGING)
MAN: Call for Mr. Baldwin.
Paging Mr. Baldwin.
Call for Mr. Baldwin.
Paging Mr. Baldwin.
(GUNSHOTS)
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
(PEOPLE CLAMORING)
(POLICE BLOWING WHISTLE)
What is it?
A man's been killed upstairs.
Whoever did it
got away
with the Majuba diamond.
There's a killer loose
in the hotel.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm terribly sorry.
Oh, that's all right.
I just didn't, uh, see you.
No harm done. I hope.
(SIREN WAILING)
Your train leaves
from the Union Station
at 7:30.
Hi.
Oh, Bob,
I was afraid
I'd miss you.
Oh, not a chance.
How'd the business
discussions go?
Fine so far, but it's taking
a little longer
than I figured.
I won't be able
to go back with you tonight.
Oh?
I'll take a late plane.
What's all the blue coats
doing around here?
Maybe there's been a murder.
Or a suicide. They probably
just gave someone his bill.
My train leaves at 7:30,
and I promised
to pick up some things
for Mrs. Brendan,
so I better get started.
I'll see you at school
tomorrow?
Bright and early. Bye.
Pardon me.
Your uniform is ready.
I'll get it for you.
(SIRENS BLARING)
There we are, Mr. Miles.
Thank you.
May I help you, sir?
I'm just looking around,
thank you.
Help yourself.
Hello, Noonan.
Why, hello.
I'll bet the Lieutenant
will be glad to see you.
Let's go.
Get off my back, Sergeant.
I'm not going anywhere.
Hey, hold it.
This is my coat.
It is?
It's mine.
I must have
picked it up by mistake.
I'm sorry.
This is yours, sir.
Why, thank you.
All right, Sergeant.
Let's go see
the Lieutenant.
Thank you.
Okay.
Yeah, fits pretty good.
Will you send it to me?
My pleasure, Mr. Miles.
Just give me the address.
Twin Lakes, Oregon.
Twin Lakes, Oregon.
Mrs. Brendan's
School for Girls.
I beg your pardon?
I teach there.
Music, athletics.
Naturally.
Look, Lieutenant,
I don't know
what you're talking about.
You killed a man
for nothing.
The Majuba diamond
is hot enough
to burn you to a crisp.
Why don't you take me in?
My attorney would like that.
He's clean.
I told you.
All right, Noonan,
that's all for now.
But don't leave the hotel
until I tell you to.
All right, O'Malley.
Think he did it?
Probably.
But if we pull him in now,
we'll never make him talk.
He must have
slipped the diamond
to an accomplice.
We'll find
Mr. Noonan's accomplice.
We'd better.
Francois will
take care of you, monsieur.
Sit right down, monsieur.
Oh, let me help you, sir.
Thank you.
The other arm.
Just make
yourself comfortable,
monsieur.
I'll be with you
in a moment.
Lovely weather
we are having, eh, monsieur?
And now, monsieur,
we commence.
Snip, snip, snip.
(GRUNTS)
Wilbur!
Did I fool you?
You've made me ruin
a perfectly good wig!
I'll pay for a new wig.
You certainly will,
you fool.
Now get your broom
and go back to work.
But you promised me
I'd have my own chair.
Look at what this says,
"Wilbur Hoolick,
Master Barber."
But you're not
a master barber.
You're not even a barber yet!
You remember the arrangement
we made when I hire you?
I cut the hair,
you sweep the hair.
Yeah, well,
I know everything there is
to know about hair.
I made all that up
out of leftovers.
Sweep! I'm going to lunch.
Shall I take care
of everything?
No, I beg of you.
Do not take care
of everything.
It is the lunch hour.
Just quietly
sweep out the boothz.
Booths.
Boothz!
Boothz.
Sweep!
It is lunchtime!
One day,
I shall be a master barber
like Francois.
But only I...
(IN FRENCH ACCENT)
I shall be the great Wilbert.
The Captain's here.
He wants to talk to you.
I'd be delighted.
(IN FRENCH ACCENT)
And you are next, monsieur.
Would you like the haircut,
the manicure,
possibly pedicure?
As in the rinse, bubble bath?
What would you like, sir?
Can I have my choice,
Francois?
Oh, he went to lunch.
Oh, I don't care
who takes care of me.
I'm in a hurry.
You do not care
who takes care of you,
monsieur.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Will it take long
for a treatment
and a manicure?
I should think
not so long, sir.
Let's go.
I think we shall start
with the scalp treatment.
I don't think I have time
for a scalp treatment.
Oh, monsieur,
everyone has the same time.
We are now ready to begin.
(EXCLAIMING)
Oh, I am sorry, sir.
Just let me give you a...
Just one... Oh, sir!
Just one moment, sir.
One moment, sir.
Could you please
just get the beard?
All right, get up.
I'm awfully sorry, sir.
I made the mistake.
I press this button.
Same mistake.
(SINGING IN FRENCH)
Pardon moi, monsieur.
I'm a wee bit nervous.
(CONTINUES SINGING)
Just relax.
BARBER:
Now, monsieur, the egg.
(BARBER SCATTING)
(SINGING IN FRENCH)
(CONTINUES SINGING)
(IN FRENCH ACCENT)
Oh, pardon, monsieur.
Oh, I am so sorry.
I make the mistake.
I am sorry, sir.
Please forgive me.
I am... Oh, please...
I didn't come here
for breakfast!
Now, let's forget
the whole thing!
Forget it!
Just relax, sir. Here.
Forget it!
This button
will make you relax.
(MACHINE WHIRRING)
No, it's all right.
Will you stop this?
How do you stop this?
Is good.
It make you relax.
(GROANS)
Get me out of here!
Get me out!
Oh, pardon moi!
Oh, pardonnez-moi, monsieur.
Let me out.
Wait, I shall get the button.
WILBUR: Easy!
One moment.
Stop this thing.
Voila, we stop. Good, oui?
And now to get you down.
Just one moment.
One moment, monsieur.
Monsieur, one moment.
(SIGHS)
And now for the landing.
(GASPING)
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Let me go! Let me go!
There we are, monsieur.
You are next. Shampoo?
You're a sick man.
That's it!
I've got
the merchandise all right,
but I can't deliver it.
They're checking everyone
in and out of the hotel.
Well, what if
they find it on you?
Don't worry, they won't.
Wait a minute.
I think I just figured it out.
I'm sending a man around
to the apartment.
He'll give you
a scalp massage.
He'll have the merchandise
in his pocket.
I got it.
Bye.
Which pocket?
Hello?
Would you like to try it
one more time?
I should not like to try it
one more time.
I should not like
to see your face
one more time.
Allow me, sir.
Thank you.
Not at all.
Could you help me, monsieur?
It is lunchtime.
But my wife would like
a treatment at home.
Oh, the wife would like
a treatment.
Oh, monsieur!
Oh, but I cannot
leave the shop.
Oh, it'll be all right,
Francois.
I am not Francois.
Oh, I'll speak to him
personally.
Oh, well, if you think
it will be all right,
monsieur.
I should like very much
to give the wife
the treatment.
Thank you very much.
I shall get the equipment.
I think I have everything.
I appreciate this.
It's the Sunland Arms,
apartment 12B.
You'd better hurry.
There's no time to lose.
Her scalp must be
in very bad shape.
It is.
(DOORBELL BUZZING)
(IN FRENCH ACCENT)
Oh, uh, hello, I am Wilbert.
Your husband sent me here
to make the scalp happy.
Oh, come in.
It is not easy to come through
this little hole.
Oh, I'm sorry to have
kept you out there
in that cold hall, honey.
But, you know,
a nice girl
can't be too careful.
(COUGHS)
Why don't you
take your coat off?
Oh, no, this is fine,
thank you.
All right, here is the coat.
(COUGHS)
I must find the place
to plug in the equipment.
Over there.
Oh, merci.
(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)
(WHIRRING)
Well, I am now ready
to begin.
So am I.
You know something?
What?
You're cute.
Do you know something?
Whisper it in my ear.
The scalp is dry.
Come with me.
Where?
Come with me.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
Do you dance?
Oh, but the treatment.
Try this.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Try it again.
Turn around.
(MUSIC STOPS)
But what about the treatment?
Oh, I know what great lovers
you Frenchmen are.
Kiss me.
Oh, that's good.
You!
What are you doing
with my wife?
Uh, massaging the scalp.
Oh, oh, pardon moi.
The jacket.
It's very warm here.
The jacket.
Merci beaucoup, mademoiselle.
I ought to
kill you for this.
(GRUNTING)
If you lay one...
If you lay un hand on me,
you know what I will do?
What?
I'll bleed. Au revoir.
If I ever see
your ugly face again,
I'll kill you.
I want you to
get out of town
and stay out.
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Yeah, all right, but I can't
leave from up here.
Is there anything else?
Now, if you come back
to this town,
I'll know it.
And I'll get you.
Understand?
(STUTTERING)
Oh, yes, sir.
Oh, I won't come back
to this town, honest.
As a matter of fact,
I'm going home today.
Tout de suite.
Here, let me...
Let me show you.
You see,
here's my... my fare, $26.40,
to Blitzen, Washington.
Oh, man.
Oh, be careful, bleeding.
Maybe I didn't
make myself clear.
I'm going to get
the very first train home.
I swear, honest, so...
So, goodbye.
Au revoir.
Remember me
to the little woman.
(TITTERING)
(STUTTERING)
Goodbye, man. Nice...
Nice going.
Let's have the diamond.
Here you are.
It's only bubblegum, stupid.
But it was in his pocket.
I thought...
Oh, he's still got it
on him.
Well, you can get it back.
You know where he's going.
MAN 1 ON PA: Miss Collins.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Miss Nancy Collins.
Please report to
the Camellia Room
in the station.
Camellia room?
Immediately.
Not that way.
In back of you.
Oh!
MAN 2 ON PA:
Your attention please.
The Southern Pacific,
number 57...
(PLAYING I KNOW
YOUR MOTHER LOVES YOU)
I beg your pardon.
I know
your mother loves you
Your father
loves you, too
But their kind of love
is no kind of love
Next to my love for you
I'm sure
you find their kisses
most satisfactory
But you're going to hiss
the very next kiss
After one kiss from me
Your French poodle
is off his noodle
Never goes out to play
He guards you night and day
That job is mine I say
Say
I know the cop, the mailman
Yes, and the milkman, too
Agree that you're rare
And I more than
share their view
So tell your father
and your mother
And your sister
and your brother
And the poodle, too
That they'll never
ever love you
like I do.
CHORUS:
This fella won't love you
like a relative
This fella has lots
and lots of love to give
I know
your uncle loves you
Your auntie loves you, too.
Yes, of course.
But no relative
can possibly give
what I could give to you.
That's true.
I know
your doctor loves you
Your dentist loves you, too
I'm not so sure.
No skill with a drill
or vitamin pill
Is like my cure for you.
You're the doctor.
Men with millions
and plain civilians
For you they'd gladly toil.
For little old me?
Texans who drill the soil
Baby, you'd make
their oil boil
CHORUS: Ow!
Soldiers, marines
and sailors
Grocers and tailors, too
Agree that you're rare
And I more than
share their view
So tell your father
and your mother
And your sister
and your brother
And the Texan, too
That they'll never
ever love you
like I do
Oh, no
No, they'll never
ever love you
Love you, baby,
like I do
Man, I'm really in love.
(ALL APPLAUDING)
Next.
I'd like a ticket to Blitzen,
Washington, please.
Blitzen, Washington?
That'll be $31.10.
Here you are, $26.40.
You're short.
I know,
but Dad was very tall.
You need $4.70 more.
Oh, no,
I think you're wrong, sir.
You see, because last year
when I came from Blitzen,
Washington
to Los Angeles,
it cost $26.40.
Now it doesn't seem fair
to go from Los Angeles
to Blitzen, Washington
for $31.10,
so I think something's wrong.
Plus the fact,
this is all the money I have.
I saved it up.
Rates went up last February.
Please, I'm in a hurry.
I'm sorry, lady, but...
(GRUNTS)
Look.
Chicago.
One ticket for me
and one half-fare, please.
The boy under 12?
Oh, yes.
I'm 11 years old.
Ooh!
I was born February 22nd,
(GASPING)
He's a little big for 11.
Sure, I'm a sailor.
You want me
to give you the death ray?
Now, Marty.
Well, then give me a quarter
for a flying saucer
or I'll let him have it.
All right, dear. Here.
MAN ON PA:
Last call for the Santa Fe,
San Bernardino local,
train number 54.
Leaves at 5:30 p.m.,
entering through gate J.
This is the last call.
I'll take this one.
25 cents, please.
Here you are,
I'll pay for that.
Thank you.
Oh, don't be frightened.
(SHUDDERING) Here.
No, no, no,
that's for you.
I like little boys
who have space guns.
You know why?
'Cause I have
a space collection.
You have?
Oh, sure,
they're right here
in this bag.
And do you know
that when I went to the moon,
I got my first space gun.
And since then, I've added
almost 350 space guns
to my collection.
I have one space gun
that shoots out little men,
and those little men
have space guns
that shoot darts.
And when I was in Tibet,
I got a space gun
with camels
sitting on the top of it,
just about so big.
I know it's pretty difficult
to believe that,
but you must believe me.
The train leaves
in 15 minutes.
What if we miss him?
Not a chance.
I'm getting on that train.
What are you going to
do to him?
Shut him up for good
after I get the diamond.
Now go on home,
wait for my call.
All right, but be careful.
MAN ON PA:
Your attention, please.
The return portion of tickets
purchased in the East
require validation
before boarding your train.
Validation desks are located
adjacent to
the stationmaster's office.
Oh, I'm awfully sorry.
Hi, sonny.
Oh, don't you touch me.
I'm not going to touch you.
You leave me alone!
But, sonny.
(GROANING)
I'm not going to hurt you.
You're not?
Of course not.
Oh, then will you buy
me a ticket, please?
No, I think
you should let your daddy
buy you a ticket.
(WAILING)
I want a ticket!
Buy me a ticket!
I want a ticket!
(EXCLAIMS)
What are you doin'
to the kid?
My uncle
won't buy me a ticket,
and I got the money.
I hate goofs
who pick on kids.
Goofs?
Goofs!
I hate goofs, too.
Then buy the kid a ticket.
But he's no relative of...
(WAILING)
I want a ticket!
Buy the kid a ticket.
All right, nephew.
Thank you, man.
MAN ON PA:
Your attention, please.
Will Miguel Cruz kindly come
to the stationmaster's office?
Where you going?
Blitzen, Washington,
half-fare.
Half-fare,
Blinses, Washington.
No, Blitzen, Washington.
Blintzes?
No, Blitzen.
Blitzen, Washington,
half-fare.
Half-fare for whom?
For him.
For me.
How old are you?
Well, I'll be 12
on my next birthday.
I'm going to be a space cadet.
Shall I give you my death ray?
Why you little...
It's the only way
I can get him to
drink his milk.
Watch.
Open your mouth, nephew.
MAN ON PA:
Your attention, please.
Southern Pacific Coast
Daylight train number 98
is now arriving.
He's going to be
a space cadet.
If he lives,
he'll be a space cadet.
MAN ON PA: Last call,
train for Sutton and Blitzen.
Gate B, now open.
All aboard.
(HORN BLARING)
Excuse me,
is that seat taken?
No.
Good.
Where are you going?
What?
I said where are you going?
CONDUCTOR 1: Tickets, please.
Oh, home.
Tickets! Tickets!
Sorry, I haven't been able
to find your
French friend anywhere.
We stop at Blitzen,
don't we?
CONDUCTOR 1: Yes, sir.
I'll find him.
Uh, together?
No.
Tickets, please.
Half-fare?
How old are you?
Oh, I'll be 12 years old
on my next birthday.
If I don't have an accident.
Stand up.
He wants you to stand.
You! You stand up!
Oh.
Higher. Higher, all the way.
That's it.
You're awful big for 12.
Oh, it's glands.
The whole family had glands.
Why, my mother was 6'4".
We called her shrimp.
If you're only 12,
you're pretty young
to be traveling alone.
Oh, well, that's all right.
I'm not scared.
I'm going be a space cadet.
Where are you going?
Home.
Oh, here it is right here.
You're going to...
(GROANING)
What's the matter?
Oh, I'm train sick!
The rocking.
Here's your ticket.
Oh, I... I'm train sick.
The... The rocking of the train.
I'm really sick.
I get nauseous on a train
from rocking
and when it goes fast
and it shakes back and forth.
I'm really very sick
from the train.
Would you please keep quiet?
Yeah.
I dropped my gun, mister.
Wow!
(TITTERING)
My gun shoots milk.
Look, would you mind
getting out of here?
Not at all.
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
Oh, I'm...
What is the matter
with you?
I'm awfully sorry.
I'm just a little nervous.
I'm awfully sorry
I dropped my suitcase,
and I hope
I didn't hurt you, mister.
I'll put all my things
back in the suitcase,
and I'll get out of your way.
What is this?
(EXCLAIMING)
Look out, conductors!
It's the little boy!
Look out!
(SIGHING)
Oh, geez.
He can't have gone far.
I've got to find him.
CONDUCTOR 1:
You've got to find him?
We've got to find him.
Half-fare!
CONDUCTOR 2:
He must be around here
someplace.
Hello.
Goodbye.
The train hasn't stopped.
He couldn't have gotten off.
What's the matter, son?
You're trembling.
I have very loose bones.
Are you lost?
No.
Where's your mother?
I'm traveling all alone.
And you started
wandering around the train
and now you don't know
where you're supposed to be?
I'll call the conductor.
Oh, no!
I mean, I... I do know
where I'm supposed to be,
in the day coach,
but I don't like it there
very much.
I don't feel so good,
right here.
I bet I know your problem.
You do?
Mmm-hmm.
They gave you money
to buy your dinner,
and instead of that
you bought some ice cream,
and some candy
and maybe some soda pop?
Yeah, and some marshmallows,
and some cotton candy,
and popcorn and cigarettes.
Cigarettes?
Oh, I mean
can-candy cigarettes,
chocolate.
Oh!
Why don't you sleep here?
Here?
I'm sure your mother
would want you looked after.
I'll call the conductor.
Oh, no, don't do that.
Why?
Oh, well,
he doesn't like me, see,
and... and he's not a nice man
because we were
talkin' about trains,
and I told him
I had 13 cars in my set,
and he only has 11,
and he's jealous
and nasty, he is.
All right, then.
I'll ring for the porter.
Oh, no.
If you press that buzzer,
I'll be killed!
What an imagination!
Well, don't you see?
The porter and the conductor
are in cahoots against me.
Oh.
Well, then,
why don't we make up
the upper berth ourselves?
Oh! Oh, yeah, okay.
Good.
I get off in the morning
at Twin Lakes,
but you're all right
for tonight, anyway.
Thank you, let me help you.
You're awfully nice.
Thank you.
Here.
What's your name?
Wilbur. Wilbur Hoolick.
Do you have pajamas
with you, Wilbur?
Yes, lady, I have.
You may call me Aunt Nancy.
Aunt Nancy.
Willy.
Oh, help! Help! Help!
Wilbur!
Oh, help! Get me...
Get me down!
Oh! Oh!
Help! Help!
(GRUNTING)
Oh, Wilbur,
are you all right?
Oh, you broke your glasses.
Did you ever have a day
when just
everything went wrong?
Take your things
and go in there and change.
Thank you.
If you have any trouble
with your buttons,
just sing out.
(TRAIN HORN BLARING)
(THUNDER CRACKING)
Oh!
Are you all right, Wilbur?
Yes, I'm fine.
There's nothing
to be frightened of.
It's just the storm
that woke you up.
You mustn't be afraid
of thunder and lightning.
I'm not afraid.
Oh, yes, you are.
All youngsters are.
Why, I was terrified
when I was your age.
I used to crawl in
with my little brother.
Remember,
I'm only your nephew.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
This going to be a bad one.
Just hang on to me tight,
Willy.
I... I'm all right, really.
Just rest your head
against my shoulder.
I can't do that.
Your husband
wouldn't like that.
I have no husband.
I'm not married, either.
I hope not.
And I'm glad
you're not married.
Why?
Should I tell you?
Yes.
No, I better not.
Not tonight.
I'll tell you in the morning.
It's a surprise.
Good, I like surprises.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Uh-oh, it's going to
be a bad one.
(THUNDER CRACKING)
Well, I think
I'd better get upstairs,
and you'd better
go to bed, too.
Yeah, okay.
In you go.
Are you all right now, Willy?
I never felt so good,
Aunt Nancy.
(CHUCKLING)
Good night, Willy.
Good night.
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
Wow.
Agnes! Agnes!
Hurry, come on!
Yes, Mr. Miles.
Take over.
Yes, Mr. Miles.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Oh! Oh.
You all right?
Good brakes.
They'd better be.
I can't afford to run down
the boss's daughter.
Why don't I pack us
a picnic lunch?
This is the kind of a day
to play hooky.
I've already thought of that.
Good.
But I'm on my way
to pick up Nancy.
There was a washout
last night,
and the train's been stalled
about five miles out of town.
Oh. Well, I guess
a big railroad like that
can get her here safely.
Probably,
but I... I did promise
to pick her up.
All right, I'll go with you.
No, but I
promised her, I...
Unless I'm in the way.
Oh, no.
No, you're not in the way.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
What happened
in Los Angeles?
I saw Colonel Blair,
and he thinks
I should get my papers
in a week or so.
I know Karen Blair quite well.
Perhaps I can
speed up your orders?
That'd be wonderful.
Don't mention it.
Beautiful tune.
The words are pretty, too.
Do you know them?
I think so.
Love is all that matters
And we've got love
We have walked off
with a prize
The stars
that I used to see
Are not
where they used to be
They only will shine for me
in your eyes
You are all that matters
And I've got you
We're on top
and we won't fall
No fortune
that we can boast
We're happy
with tea and toast
For we've got love
And love matters most
of all
(EXCLAIMING)
Good morning, Willy.
Oh, uh, good morning,
Aunt Nancy.
Did you sleep well?
Yes, fine, thank you.
What happened?
The train ain't moving?
A bridge washed out
down the road.
There's nothing
to be frightened of.
Oh, I'm not frightened
when I'm with you.
That's very nice.
You know, someday,
I hope I have
a little man like you.
That's very nice.
You know something?
When I met you last night,
that was the nicest thing
that ever happened to me.
Well, thank you, Willy.
Well, you know,
it... it's like...
Well, everything
is different.
It's...
Well, it's very hard
to explain,
but I have
a very funny feeling
in my stomach.
What you need
is a good breakfast.
You're a growing boy.
Oh, that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.
We'll have a nice talk
right after breakfast.
Oh, but this
is very important.
I'm sure it is,
and I want to hear
all about it.
Well, I'd like to
start from the beginning.
After breakfast.
But this is very important!
Now, what would you like?
How about some oatmeal
and a nice big glass
of milk, huh?
That'll build up
your strength.
I'll take a look
down this way.
Oh, hello.
Hello.
Do you have
a Nancy Collins listed?
Nancy Collins.
Let me see.
Cooper, Collins, yes.
Drawing Room B.
Right in here.
Thanks.
(BELL BUZZING)
Nancy?
Nancy?
Nancy.
(SCREAMS)
Beg your pardon,
I must have the wrong...
Wrong
room.
Excuse me.
That's quite all right.
Oh! Oh, why, Gretchen.
What are you doing here?
I drove down with Bob.
He was worried about you.
How nice. Where is he?
Well, I'm sure
it doesn't matter.
You seem to have
plenty of company.
What do you mean?
If I were you,
I'd stay on this train
and keep going.
What are you... Oh! Oh!
Oh, I'm so sorry.
You're sorry.
Oh.
Well, Gretchen,
what happened to you?
I found Nancy.
What'd you do,
have breakfast with her?
I think
you better not go in there.
Why?
Well, she's sharing
her drawing room with a man.
Nancy?
He was in bed
when I walked in.
Oh, there's some mistake.
Yes, there's a mistake
all right,
and Nancy's made it.
Gretchen, I think
you've said about enough.
Well, I saw him!
You coming?
No.
Not until I hear Nancy's side
of the story.
Uh-huh.
Drawing Room B.
I'll see you at school.
Aunt Nancy,
I still have something
on my mind.
(BELL BUZZING)
BOB: Nancy.
Oh, no!
Wilbur.
Hello, Bob.
We'd better
do something fast.
Gretchen thinks
there's a man in here.
It's Willy.
Willy? Willy!
Willy?
Hello.
Oh, it's the kid!
You two know
one another, huh?
Sure, I'm his part-time uncle.
I bought him his train ticket.
But what's he doin' here?
He wasn't feeling well
last night,
so I let him sleep here.
And Gretchen doesn't know
he's a little boy.
She was in too big a hurry
to spread the word.
I'll bet you
that board meeting's
goin' on right this minute.
Well, I felt it was my duty
to come to you, the board,
and... and give you an insight
into the private life
of Nancy Collins.
It's the most
outrageous conduct
I've ever heard of.
Miss Brendan, you say
you actually saw this man
in her, uh... drawing room?
Oh, yes, Professor Okell.
And when I confronted her
with it,
she hit me with a tray.
(MEMBERS EXCLAIMING)
This is outrageous.
No breath of scandal
has ever touched
the Brendan School for Girls,
nor shall it now.
I move that we vote
for the dismissal of...
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Oh, I'm sorry I'm late,
Mrs. Brendan,
but I had a train to meet.
We were just taking a vote
on the dismissal
of Nancy Collins.
Good, I'll vote, no.
You'll what?
Don't you think Nancy
should be allowed
to testify on her own behalf?
I hardly think
she'd have the nerve
to appear, let alone testify.
Have you heard
what happened?
I was there. I saw it.
You... You mean
you saw the man?
Did I?
He was very suave,
sophisticated.
A man of the world.
You know,
Nancy never had a chance.
Well, that explains
everything.
I'll let you see
for yourself.
(ALL MURMURING)
Mr. Wilbur Hoolick.
WILBUR: Hello.
I... I can do a trick!
Want to see it?
Excuse me, Aunt Nancy,
I'm gonna do a...
Help me with the trick.
Oh, Wilbur, stop.
Help me with the trick!
I want to do it! One trick.
Hold my hands and then...
All right.
Oh!
I landed right on my feet.
Very suave.
And, uh, and a good trick.
Oh, swords!
Wilbur!
Come on, let's have a fight
like you see in the movies!
En garde!
Wilbur!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Wilbur!
See?
Oh, no!
Oh, no, spare me, sir.
Give me that.
Oh, please, spare my life.
Be a good boy!
Oh, thank you.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you very much.
Kill you!
And you, men,
take the helm and take over!
It's not loaded!
(WOMEN SCREAMING)
That's the signal!
Board the boat, men!
Board the boat, men!
All right, rocket service!
Let's drink a toast.
That was a successful voyage.
Throw it down!
No!
Throw it down!
(WHINING)
Throw it down!
Oh!
Call the meeting to order.
Young man!
Mrs. Brendan,
I believe I can explain.
You see, Willy, here,
had a tummy ache last night.
There was no place
for him to sleep,
so I invited him
to stay in my drawing room.
Well, I... I think
that was highly commendable.
I apologize
if I have violated any rules.
Well, under
these circumstances...
Meeting's adjourned.
That's right.
I'm sorry, Nancy.
Well, I... I better be going.
Now, it would be a shame
to lose such an adorable
little boy so soon.
Why don't you stay
for the Saturday night party?
I'm sure you'd enjoy
meeting all the little girls.
No, I think
I'd better be running along.
Good.
Thank you, Aunt Nancy.
Goodbye, everybody.
ALL: Goodbye.
Bye!
Hello.
(STUTTERING)
(SCREAMING)
(BOB GROANING)
Surprise, I'm back.
I thought you were leavin'.
Oh, I decided to stay
for the party.
How nice.
Well, I have a class.
I'll see you later, Willy.
Yeah.
You know, I'm glad
you changed your mind.
Oh, yeah,
I'd much rather be in here
than out there.
I know, you can room
with my brother.
He's just about your age.
Oh, won't that be
a lot of fun.
Bob, will you take him
over to my house?
I'll join you later.
You know, there are 200 girls
waiting to meet you.
Oh, and I just can't wait
to meet them.
Come on, Wilbur.
He's a remarkable boy.
GIRL: Come on, hurry!
Come on.
Oh, get it!
No, no!
Catch, Uncle Bob.
Wilbur, come here.
(STUTTERING) Thank you
for the game.
Come on, come on.
Come here!
What is this,
an obstacle course?
Wilbur! Come on, Wilbur.
What kind of school
are you running here, anyhow?
It's a school for girls,
and the reception committee
is going to be here
any minute.
I don't need
no reception committee.
Of course you do.
Why should
you be any different?
Because I don't think
I need a reception committee.
(BAND PLAYING)
GIRLS: Face the music
when you've got trouble
Face it, face it
and you'll chase it far away
Just face the music
You'll make
your worry hurry, scurry
Not a care
will dare to stay
The drums are drumming
You should be humming
Joy is coming
Coming for to make you gay
So blow the trumpets,
bang the cymbals
When they start to play
Face the music
Play the music
Every day's a happy day
(PANTING)
I want to march.
You can't march.
I want to lead the march!
All right, march. Fall in!
(DRUMBEAT ROLLING)
Face the music
when you've got trouble
Face it, face it
and you'll chase it far away
Just face the music
You'll make your worry
hurry, scurry
Not a care
will dare to stay
The drums are drumming
You should be humming
Joy is coming
Coming for to make you gay
So blow the trumpets,
bang the cymbals
When they start to play
Face the music
When there's music
Every day's a happy day.
Fall in!
GIRLS: Face the music
Face it
and you'll chase
your troubles away
Face the music
Hurry
Not a care
will dare to stay
Drums are drumming
Joy is coming
Joy is coming
to make you gay
The trumpets,
cymbals, start to play
Every day's a happy day
Face the music
Face the music
Face the music
Every day
is gonna be a happy day
Face the music
Play the music
Every day's a happy day.
GIRLS: Wilbur!
Gretchen?
That's Aunt Gretchen.
Gretchen?
Oh, here you are.
You're just in time.
I was about to fix some tea.
Oh, I can't stay.
I'm late for my class now.
I just come over
to deliver Wilbur.
Well, if you can't.
Have a good time.
Thank you.
I'll see you later.
Bye, Bob.
Bye.
Oh, where's my suitcase?
Your suitcase
is in Michael's room.
Come along.
I'm sure you two will
get along just fine.
Oh, thank you, Aunt Gretchen.
Here's my hat.
(MACHINE RATTLING)
(SIGHS)
Oh, Michael!
How many times
have I told you
to clean up this room?
I brought you
a weekend guest.
Thanks.
This is Wilbur Hoolick.
My brother, Michael.
Hello.
Hi.
Well, I'll leave you two
to get acquainted.
Thank you very much,
Aunt Gretchen.
Oh, my goodness.
Look at all those
pretty rocks and stones.
(DOOR CLOSING)
My, there must be
a million of 'em here.
How old are you, anyway?
Twenty? Twenty-five?
What are you talkin' about?
You crazy?
I... I'm just a little kid.
Yeah?
I looked through
your suitcase.
How often do you shave?
Once every day.
That's better.
Well, you're not going to
give me away,
are you, Mike?
It's very important to Nancy
that you don't.
She'll be in very big trouble
if you do.
Now, why are you
dressed up like that?
Oh, well, to help Nancy.
Okay, but why are you
dressed up like that?
To help Nancy.
You see, I can't
explain it now, Mike,
except that
if they find out, see,
that I'm a grown-up man,
it can get Nancy
in all kinds of trouble, see.
We don't want that to happen.
So you'll help me out, huh?
Okay.
Good.
Do you collect rocks, too?
No, not really.
Then what are you doing
with this?
Oh, that ain't mine.
I found this in your suitcase
in your pants' pocket.
Oh. It still ain't mine.
Can I have it?
Sure, be my guest.
Thanks.
I'll run a test on it.
I'm going to be a geologist.
Oh, that's swell.
What do we do now?
Let's go.
Let's go.
We better pick out
a nice fancy suit for you.
Oh, I don't need
anything fancy.
That's what you think.
We got to get rid
of that square outfit.
Square outfit? Yeah,
I guess it is a little square.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Just a minute!
Let's go.
Let's go again.
Mr. Hoolick,
my name is Skeets Powell,
and I've been sent
to welcome you
on behalf of the student body.
Oh, well,
thank you very much,
but I'm not...
We drew lots for you.
I've got you
from 1:00 till 3:00,
and then Ann Brown
has you from 3:00 to 3:30.
Joan Francis gets you
until 4:15,
and then Natalie Lee
has you until 5:00.
Oh, looks like
I'm booked solid.
Yeah, well, look,
I'll pick you up
in 15 minutes,
so don't be late. Bye!
Bye!
I got 15 minutes yet.
Who was that?
Skeets.
Oh.
(GIRLS CHATTERING)
Good afternoon, Willy.
Good afternoon, Aunt Nancy.
It couldn't be.
No.
I hope our amusing
little school isn't
boring you too much.
A school's a school.
How clever!
A school is a school.
It just came to me.
Gee, I'm awful glad
you could stay, Wilbur.
Oh, I am, too.
Except I can only stay
over the weekend.
Oh.
Would you like to
sit down for a while?
Okay.
No, sit over here.
No.
Close your eyes. Real tight.
(GASPS)
Why do you want...
Oh, you scared me.
I was going to ask you
why you wanted me
to close my eyes.
Well, Wilbur seems to
know his way around a campus,
doesn't he?
I can't understand that.
I could have sworn
he was the shy, studious type.
I'll say.
Man, dig that crazy homework.
I better have
a little talk with him.
I don't think
he understands girls.
Neither do I.
I wish you'd have
a little talk with me.
I got to get out of here.
Hey.
Kiss me! Kiss me!
Oh, no!
Get away, you!
Remember, girls,
tomorrow we're having a test
on the alloyed group.
I want a list
of all our enzyme experiments.
Are there any questions?
Class dismissed.
Hi, dreamboat.
I'm not talkin' to you.
Skeets.
(DOOR CLOSING)
You want to see me,
Aunt Nancy?
Well, yes, Willy.
I... I wanted to have
a little talk with you.
Uh-huh.
(CLEARING THROAT)
I'm rather worried
about you, Willy.
Did I do somethin' wrong?
Oh, no, no.
I don't think so.
Oh, no, I'm sure not.
Well, I...
Uh, what I mean to say is,
well, I don't think
you know very much
about girls, do you?
I wouldn't want you
to get into trouble.
What kind of trouble?
It's difficult
to explain, but...
Well, some people
are born girls,
and some people
are born boys.
I'm glad.
It makes it so much nicer
for dancing.
Yes.
What I'm trying
to say, Willy,
is that girls are usually
more mature than boys.
You have to be careful.
Oh, you're talkin' about
the birds and the bees.
I'm talking about
you kissing Skeets
in the park.
Well, can you explain that?
Not in one afternoon.
Well, now, it's...
It's perfectly all right
for little girls
and little boys to kiss.
I don't mean that,
but there's a...
Well, there is
a certain way to do it.
Oh, you mean
little girls come with
a set of instructions?
No. No, what I mean is
there are different kinds
of kisses.
There. Is that clear?
No.
Unless you mean
little girls and little boys
should kiss like this.
Yes, yes, that's it.
Is that what I was doing?
No, I'm... I'm afraid
it wasn't.
You mean I was doing
something like this.
Yes.
(STUTTERING)
Yes. That looked like
what you were doing.
And I should have
been doing this.
Yes, that's it.
Now I'm all confused.
I forgot
what I'm not supposed to do.
Wilbur.
Oh, yeah. I remember now.
(STUTTERING)
That's enough!
Hello, Bob.
Hello.
Look,
you stick to the little ones.
The big ones are mine.
Now, don't... don't
be silly.
I was just telling Willy here
how to protect himself.
I don't think
Wilbur needs protection.
You want to see
the way little boys kiss?
Well, that's nice, Wilbur.
This comes a little later.
Now cut that out!
What's wrong with you?
Oh, oh, nothing's wrong.
I was just trying to show you
what I shouldn't do.
Well, that's right.
That's what you shouldn't do.
(BELL RINGING)
No.
Well, I... I must go.
I hope you won't forget
our little talk, Willy.
No, I won't forget,
Aunt Nancy.
(DOOR CLOSING)
Goodbye, Uncle Bob.
Now, wait a minute.
I want to have
a little talk with you.
Oh, oh, I can't.
Natalie has me until 4:30.
Natalie can wait.
Why don't you straighten up?
Oh, I am straightened up.
It's just that
my shoulders are stupid.
That's funny,
I got stupid shoulders.
I have to go.
Now, look.
It's possible
I could have had you
all wrong.
Had me all wrong?
Maybe you are a nice,
simple, warm-hearted kid
after all.
Yeah, and a loyal,
trustworthy pal.
That's right.
Yeah.
Cigar, pal?
Oh, thanks, pal.
(COUGHING)
It's a cigar!
It's a real cigar!
What did you think
it was, Wilbur?
W-What did I think it was?
Oh, I... I thought
it was a candy cigar.
My daddy always gave me
candy cigars.
Candy cigar?
Yeah.
Did it taste
anything like this?
Did it taste...
I'll see.
I'll wait.
I... I'm not sure.
Let's try again, Wilbur.
I don't think it's the same.
We must be positive.
Pal.
I feel awful.
I got some medicine
that'll fix you right up.
How do like your Scotch?
Plain or with soda?
On the rocks.
On the rocks?
Oh, on the rocks
is what my daddy always says
when he orders
that nasty whiskey.
I can't make up my mind
about you.
Let me feel your muscle.
Let me see your grip.
Oh. I know that one.
Jujitsu!
Isn't that good?
Mr. Miles?
Yes.
There are two gentlemen here
to see you.
They say
it's very important.
I'll be right with you.
Don't go away.
Don't go away.
No.
(DOOR CLOSING)
(BELL RINGING)
Wrong color.
What, uh, can I do for you?
Lieutenant O'Malley,
Los Angeles Homicide Squad.
Sergeant Brown.
Hi, Sergeant.
Can I help you?
Yes, you can be very helpful.
We trailed
a killer down here.
A killer?
You know Wilbur Hoolick?
Wilbur Hoolick, a killer?
He's not a killer.
Well, I didn't think so.
He's just a kid.
He isn't a kid, either.
He isn't a kid?
No.
How old is he?
I'd say about your age.
My age?
Sit down.
But you don't understand...
Sit down!
I'm telling you all this
in confidence.
He's the only hope we have
of catching the killer.
The man we're after
is after Hoolick.
He's after Hoolick.
When he strikes,
we'll catch him.
But we need someone
to keep an eye on Wilbur
every minute.
Do you mind
if I tell my girl about this?
You're to tell no one.
Wilbur's life is at stake.
It's more at stake
than you think.
I knew we could
count on you.
We'll keep in touch
with you.
Good day.
Good day.
My age?
Hello, Mr. Miles.
Not now!
(WILBUR WHISTLING)
Wilbur?
Oh, hello, Uncle Bob.
Did you see those men?
I saw them.
Wilbur.
What?
When you were on the train,
did you spend the whole night
in Nancy's drawing room?
Aunt Nancy's drawing room.
Yes, I did.
Where did you sleep.
(NASALLY)
in aunt Nancy's drawing room?
In bed. Ha, ha.
And she came downstairs
and she tucked me in
because I was nervous.
You were nervous?
Well, what are you
so nervous about?
You weren't even there!
That's what
I'm nervous about!
Oh, oh.
Excuse me.
Sure.
Drink hearty, Uncle Bob.
Wilbur?
Yeah.
I like you.
You do?
I'm going to keep
a close eye on you.
Why?
To keep you out of trouble.
Here, you hold this?
Yes.
(GASPS)
Did you hear that?
What?
Footsteps! Footsteps!
Oh!
Mrs. Brendan!
Oh!
Don't let her catch you
with that whiskey!
Get rid of it. Not there!
No, not there! Get rid of it!
Here, get rid of it!
Don't let her
catch you with it!
Drink it, drink it!
Good boy.
Oh, it's you. Come in.
Well, the sign says...
Oh, come on in.
What are you doing?
A little spying.
Spying, on who?
On Gretchen.
You see,
Bob can't figure out
why he hasn't been
called back to active duty.
Mr. Miles?
Yeah.
Bob?
Yeah.
He's in the Army?
Well, sure.
He's in the reserves.
Gee, now, if they called him
back to active duty,
then Nancy and me...
What?
Oh, I was just wondering
to myself.
How come
he wasn't called back?
Well, read this.
It's from Gretchen
to Colonel Blair's wife.
You shouldn't read
other people's mail.
That's not very nice.
I'll read it to you.
"Dear Karen,
just a note to thank you
for your cooperation"
"in helping to keep Bob here."
"I don't know what the school
would do without him,"
"or for that matter,
what I would do without him."
"I will return the favor
someday."
"Gobs of love, Gretchen."
Why, that dirty
double-crosser.
What did I tell you?
I'd do anything
to help Bob go overseas.
So would I.
Oh, I mean, I would like
to help him out, too,
'cause he's
a very nice fellow.
I have an idea.
Look, how would it be
if you and I wrote
another letter
to Colonel Blair's wife,
and in that letter...
No, but we would
change all the words our way.
No.
How would it...
Oh, I know.
We'll have Gretchen
phone Colonel Blair's wife.
Say, that's great.
Oh, wait a minute.
Gretchen would never do that.
And I have
a sneaking suspicion
that's exactly
what she's going to do.
Here.
Huh?
Dormitory. Okay.
Hello?
WOMAN: The time, please.
The time?
The time is exactly 7:57.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Hello.
Oh, it's you.
I... I'm awful sorry, Skeets,
that I didn't talk to you
in the lab,
but, you see,
Aunt Nancy was watching.
Oh, that's okay, Wilbur.
Are you going to dance with me
tomorrow night, Wilbur?
Sure, I'd like that.
You like to dance?
Oh, gee, I... I'd rather dance
than eat.
Would you like to see
a real good step?
Oh, I'd love to, Wilbur.
All right.
Real gone, man.
Oh, that was nothing.
I could dance a lot better
if I had music.
Hey, wait a minute.
I got a portable radio
in my room!
Yeah?
Only it's against
the rules for me
to leave the switchboard.
(SCATTING)
I'll be right back.
Crazy.
Hello? Hello? Hello?
Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?
WOMAN 1: Operator.
Hello.
Can I please
have long distance?
For long distance,
dial 110.
Oh, all right, thank you.
WOMAN 2: Long Distance.
Hello?
Oh, hello, long distance.
I would like to
place a call, please,
to Mrs. Karen Blair,
that's Colonel Blair's wife,
at March Field, California.
One moment, please.
Yes, thank you, I'll wait.
Long distance?
Are you still there?
Are you ready for your call?
Yes, I'm ready.
KAREN: Hello?
(MIMICKING GRETCHEN)
Karen, darling.
How divine
to talk to you again.
It's been a long time.
Yes, it has been
a long time, hasn't it?
Much too long,
you naughty girl, you.
We must get together again
real soon for
a rousing game of mahjong.
Oh, I'd just love to.
Oh, by the way,
Karen, my dear.
I have an enormous favor
to ask of you.
My Bobby...
Booby?
No, not booby.
Bobby. Talked to your husband
about going overseas?
Yes, I've been
talking to him.
Yes, I know.
You've been
a perfect angel about it,
but I've changed my mind.
You have?
I think that
Robert should go.
Are you sure Bob wants to?
All right, Gretchen,
I'll tell my husband
that Bob's changed his mind.
Oh, thank you, Karen.
You're such a darling!
I'll tell him
he should have his orders
in the next 24 hours.
Goodbye, Gretchen.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
You're real crazy,
aren't you?
GIRL: Oh, dear!
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
What are you doing?
I'm leavin'.
I have to get out of here.
Listen,
if I leave my suitcase,
will you send it to me?
I guess so.
You're just gonna
sneak out of here
without saying goodbye
to anyone?
Well, I have to.
You say goodbye to Nancy
for me, huh?
What do you want me
to tell her?
Tell her, uh...
Just tell her goodbye, huh?
You!
Help!
Quiet or I'll kill you
right here.
(WHISPERING)
Okay. Help, help, save me!
(GRUNTING)
Hey, there!
(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
(DOOR OPENING)
(MUSIC STOPS)
Nancy. Nancy?
What are you doing here?
I saw someone
crawl through this window.
You're mistaken.
You mustn't let them
find you here.
Men aren't allowed
in this building.
I know,
I didn't want anything
to happen to you,
but I saw a white thing
crawl through here,
and it looked like Wilbur.
NANCY: Oh, that's ridiculous.
Wilbur wouldn't do
a thing like that.
You're very fond of him,
aren't you?
Very.
I wish he belonged to me.
You could do with a little of
Wilbur's manners, you know.
I'm sure
they must be very charming,
but he certainly
didn't have any trouble
worming his way in.
Well, no, he didn't.
And he doesn't come climbing
into people's rooms
in the middle of the night,
either.
What was that?
NANCY: I don't know.
BOB: Let's go find out.
(MEOWING)
Oh, a cat.
I don't have a cat.
You don't have a cat?
Well, how do you explain this?
(STUTTERING)
Well, uh, maybe
the wind blew against it
and knocked it over.
Nancy, there's somebody
in here.
Are you accusing me
of hiding a man in here?
I'm not accusing you, Nancy.
I trust you.
I don't trust Wilbur.
How can you pick on anyone
as sweet and fine as Wilbur?
I know him a lot better
than you do, Bobby. Leave me.
Wilbur is not
what he seems to be.
Oh, you found that out, too.
The first night.
First night?
I know he seems
kind of silly and awkward,
but inside he has
a fine and sensitive spirit.
"A fine
and sensitive spirit"?
Wilbur?
I don't want to talk about it
anymore tonight.
I've had a hard day.
Why don't you go to bed?
I will. I will as soon
as I take my shower!
(SHOWER STOPS RUNNING)
Wilbur?
Yeah.
Oh.
(EXCLAIMS)
(DOOR OPENING)
BOB: Nancy?
Bob, what's the matter
with you?
If they catch you here,
the two of us
will be thrown out of school.
You mean the three of us.
I saw him come in here.
You saw who come in here?
Your boyfriend, Wilbur.
(NANCY CHUCKLING)
What's wrong with you,
darling?
Oh, save your "darlings"
for Wilbur.
I tell you, at this moment,
Wilbur is in his room
sound asleep.
He's not here?
He's not here.
He's in his room
sound asleep?
He's in his room
sound asleep.
Okay, I'm gonna find out.
You do that.
Good evening.
(MUMBLING)
We're delighted
that you both could come.
We were happy to come.
Would you excuse me, please?
Certainly.
Enjoy yourselves.
I've been trying to see you
all day.
I locked my windows.
And what's that
supposed to mean?
You can figure that out
for yourself.
(ALL APPLAUDING)
Maybe Wilbur can help me.
Bob, I don't know
what's come over you lately.
You've just got to stop
picking on Wilbur!
Bob, what
are you waiting for?
What?
You're next, your song.
Oh, my song.
We'll continue this later.
Your eyes are simpatico
Tonight they have told me
That you'll be simpatico
To me alone
Your arms are simpatico
And when they enfold me
They hold me within a spell
No lover has known
When you do the things
you do to me
Every thrill I knew
is new to me
Go on and do the things
you do to me
When you do what you do
You're so sympathetic
Which means you're simpatico
Which means I'm in heaven
And heaven will be our home
When you are mine
When you do the things
you do to me
Every thrill I knew
is new to me
Go on and do the things
you do to me
When you do what you do
You're so sympathetic
Which means you're simpatico
Which means I'm in heaven
And heaven will be our home
When you are mine
Promise that
you'll stay simpatico
Come what may,
you'll stay simpatico
The way
that I will stay simpatico
When you are mine
(CLEARING THROAT)
Hello, Aunt Nancy.
Hello, Willy.
Why aren't you inside
dancing?
Oh, I am dancing inside.
I mean, inside I'm dancing.
I know what you mean.
That's very grown-up.
Uh, can I
ask you a question?
That's ungrammatical,
but tonight's a holiday.
What is it?
Well, do you believe
in love at first sight?
Willy, you've fallen in love
with one of the girls here,
haven't you?
Uh-huh.
Does she love you, too?
Well, she's very fond of me,
and she thinks
I have a very fine
and sensitive spirit.
So do I.
You tell her I said
you'd make a fine husband
when the time comes.
I think the time's coming.
Nancy, I think you're
the most wonderful girl
I ever met in my whole life,
and I haven't slept a wink
since I kissed you.
Willy, little boys
don't talk like that.
Yes, I know, and I never
could talk to girls.
I mean, I usually
get very tongue-tied
when I'm around girls.
But not when I'm around you.
That's very sweet.
I'm very grateful, but...
Willy, I'm too old for you.
My mom and dad got married
when she was 17.
Yes, that's different.
That's old enough
for a girl to get married.
Yeah, but my dad
was only 12.
Well, if I was older,
do you think
that I would make
a very good husband?
If you were older,
I think you'd make
a wonderful husband.
I'll be back when I'm 25.
Will you wait?
That's a long time to wait.
It won't be as long
as you think.
Now don't move.
I'll be right back.
Nancy?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
What are we fightin' about?
I don't know.
I guess I do. I'm jealous.
Of Wilbur?
He's only 14 years old.
He is?
Well, how old
did you think he was?
Oh, much older.
I mean,
he's very mature for 14.
I thought he was
at least 15.
Oh, Bob, you're so silly.
(CLEARING THROAT)
Now let's see.
"Nancy, I know
I'm not very much,"
"but I am old enough."
"And I couldn't
love you any more
if I were 100 years old."
No, that's no good.
"Nancy, honey,
if you marry me,"
"I'll be the happiest,
luckiest man
in the whole world."
BOB: Nancy, honey,
if you marry me,
I'll be the happiest, luckiest
man in the whole world.
NANCY:
Of course I'll marry you.
BOB: Nancy.
It wouldn't have
worked out anyway.
I'm too tall for her.
Lover boy!
Hello, Mrs. Brendan.
Hello, Wilbur.
SKEETS: Lover boy!
(PEOPLE VOCALIZING)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
What are you doin' here?
Oh, I'm just
passing through.
Keep passing.
Yeah.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(ORCHESTRA TUNING)
(CHOKING)
Help!
Now what do you want?
I... I want to stay here.
You can't stay here.
Yeah,
but you're stayin' here.
I'm conducting.
Oh, you mean, if you conduct,
you can stay here?
That's right, get out.
All right, I want to conduct.
You can't conduct.
I want to conduct!
No!
Let Wilbur conduct.
MAN 1: Let Wilbur conduct!
MAN 2: Go ahead, Wilbur!
Now by popular demand,
we bring you
the interstate choir
conducted by Wilbur Hoolick!
Good luck.
Oh, don't go, Mr. Miles.
Help me out with this number.
What number is it?
I Like to Hike.
So do I,
but what's the song?
I Like to Hike
is the name of the song,
and do it
with dignity. Dignity!
Oh, yeah.
I... I'll be dignity.
(CLEARING THROAT)
(MUMBLING)
(ALL VOCALIZING)
Life is glorious.
(SOFTLY) Life is glorious.
(ALOUD) Grand and glorious.
(SOFTLY) Grand and glorious.
And...
And when the shadow's long
We all sit around
the campfire
Campfire
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Was I too loud?
No, that wasn't bad at all.
Thank you.
The night birds gently call
And call and call and call
You cannot sleep
at all
It's time to hit the trail
It's time to hit the trail
(VOCALS RISING AND DROPPING)
It's time
to hit the lofty trail
It's time
to hit the lofty trail
(CHOIR VOCALIZING)
I never like to travel
by automobile or bike
The only way to travel along
is to travel
along the way you like
And as for me,
I like, I like to hike
He likes to hike
He likes to hike
He hates to pedal a bike
It's time to climb the peak
It's time
to climb the peak
The dawn
breaks through the sky
Again you'll hear the cry
And then you hear
Again you hear
From the land
you hear the cry.
That was beautiful.
Did you really think so?
I loved it.
Would you like to
hear it again?
Please.
Will you wait here?
From the land you hear the
cry
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I've climbed a lot
of mountain peaks
Including the peak of Pike
The peak of Pike
was a heck of a hike
But I'll never, never,
never rest
until I conquer Everest
We'll never, ever,
ever rest
until we conquer Everest
We like to hike
We like to hike
We like to hike
We like to hike
We like to hike
We like to hike
We like to hike
We like to hike
We like to hike
We like to hike
We like to hike
We like to hike
We like to hike
We like to hike
We like to hike
We like to hike
We
like
to hike
We like to hike.
Get out!
Mrs. Brendan?
Yes.
You wanted to see me?
Yes, I did.
The, uh, girl said
it was urgent, Mr...
Uh, Hoolick.
I'm Wilbur's father.
Oh, how nice to meet you.
Do sit down.
Thank you.
I hope
our keeping Wilbur here
didn't inconvenience you.
A little, but it's going to
be all right.
When did you want to
take him home?
Uh, now.
The sooner the better.
Oh. I'll have him
sent down here.
SKEETS: Yes, Mrs. Brendan?
Skeets, would you
have Wilbur Hoolick
sent to my office, please?
Wilbur will be delighted
to see you.
He'll be surprised
to see me.
Gee!
"Majuba diamond murderer.
Police baffled."
(MAN WHISTLING)
Wilbur's the killer!
Boy, these straight razors
sure do the job, boy.
You know somethin', Mike?
I want to thank you.
You've been very,
very helpful to me,
and believe me
when I tell you,
I ain't gonna forget you.
You won't?
No.
(STUTTERING) Well, I mean,
I'd just as soon you would.
What do you mean, pal?
We've been buddies,
we're friends.
What do you mean forget you?
And the gang back home,
they'll love you.
But I'm too young
to be with a gang.
Yeah, maybe you're right, kid.
Yeah, well, maybe
we'll give you a few years.
Wait, Willy.
Wait just a minute!
I won't tell on you. Please!
Please, don't kill me!
You don't want to die, huh?
Well, don't worry about it,
sonny.
I'm gonna let you live.
Oh, boy, thanks.
Oh, boy, you're welcome,
but on one condition.
You gotta keep
your mouth shut,
you understand?
Sure.
You don't talk to nobody.
You just keep your mouth shut.
(AGREEING)
Don't say a word to no one.
You keep everything quiet.
You don't say nothin'.
Nothin'. Nothin'.
You don't say nothin'
to anybody.
You keep your mouth shut
and be sure
you just do like I tell you.
Then you won't get
into any trouble.
Shut up!
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Someone's at the door.
Let's see who it is.
Well, let's go.
You get the door.
Okay, sure.
But be sure
when you open the door,
you don't say nothin'.
Remember what I told you.
Keep your mouth shut.
Don't say nothin' to nobody.
Just open the door,
see who's there,
and that's all.
You don't talk to nobody.
You understand?
Just open the door,
that's all
I'm askin' you to do.
Well, open the door!
Okay.
Hi, Wilbur, how are you?
I'm in no mood
to get engaged today.
Do you feel all right,
Wilbur?
I'm fine.
What's on your mind, baby?
Well, Mrs. Brendan
wanted to see you
in her office right away.
Why?
She didn't say.
I'll walk back with you
if you want me to.
Okay, but no swans.
No swans.
Get my coat!
Sure, sure.
Skeets!
Yes?
(WHISTLING)
Nothin'.
Wilbur's
a very remarkable boy.
In this day and age,
it's so difficult
to rear a child properly.
Yes.
I wouldn't give you 10-to-1
on a boy like Wilbur
living to grow up.
Oh, that's a little
on the pessimistic side,
Mr. Hoolick.
All right,
I'll make it 8-to-1.
Oh, really.
Here he is, Mrs. Brendan.
Hello, Mrs. Brendan,
did you want to...
(STUTTERING)
Surprised?
Of course he is.
I've had a hard time
catching up with Wilbur.
Now you have him back
safe and sound.
It was just
a question of time.
Shall we go, son?
Now?
You wouldn't want to
worry Mama.
No, I wouldn't.
Take good care of him.
Oh, he'll be taken care of.
I don't want to go.
Why, Wilbur?
Yes, tell her why.
Well, because, you see,
I'm not really a little...
I like it here.
I want to go to school here.
This is a girls' school.
That's why I like it here.
Now, Wilbur,
you mustn't hurt
your father's feelings.
You wouldn't do that,
would you, Wilbur?
No.
You know how sensitive I am.
He's very sensitive.
You're choking him,
Mr. Hoolick.
Oh.
(COUGHS)
Come along, son.
You don't have much time.
It's been nice
meeting you, Mr. Hoolick.
It's been very nice
meeting you, Mrs. Brendan.
Goodbye, Wilbur.
Don't say that,
Mrs. Brendan!
All right, you.
Where is it?
Why did you tell Mrs. Brendan
you're my father?
Where is it?
Where's what?
Look, when I get through
working you over,
you'll tell me where it is.
Or do you want to talk now?
All right, I'll talk.
Well, talk!
How's Mama?
(GRUNTING)
This way.
I don't know
what you're mad at me for!
I didn't do anything to you,
and I didn't do anything
to your wife!
No one ever
double-crossed me.
No one living.
What do you want from me?
I know you have that diamond.
I put it
in your pocket myself.
There's nothing in my...
Is this what you want?
All right, here.
I don't want it.
Are we friends now?
BOB: Wilbur!
Huh?
Stop him, he's a crook!
Hey! Hey, man!
Man! Man!
Man, wait!
Mister, will you wait?
They want...
Mister... You...
Mister man!
BOB: Stop him, Wilbur!
He killed a man!
He killed a man?
He won't get away!
I... I got him!
Ooh!
Oh! Oh, water! Wait!
I don't know how to do this!
I can't swim!
Oh!
Oh! Oh, oh!
Hold on, Wilbur! Hold on!
Look out!
Look out! Coming through!
MAN: What's going on?
(SCREAMING)
Oh, falling! Falling!
Oh, man!
(EXCLAIMING)
Easy!
Ooh!
(GROANING)
Mommy!
(EXCLAIMING)
Wait! Wait!
Watch your head, Wilbur!
What?
(GROANS)
(GRUNTING)
Whoa! Ooh!
Help! Help me!
Bye!
Help!
(SCREAMING)
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
Look out!
Ham!
Look out! Look out!
Stay where you are!
Get me out of this.
Wilbur! Wilbur!
(SCREAMING)
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
Look out!
(WILBUR EXCLAIMING)
(SCREAMING)
Go back. Go back!
Now what did you do
this for?
I missed you.
I was lonesome out there.
Well, I didn't miss you,
and I wasn't lonesome.
Will you put me down?
All right.
Bye!
Get up!
Get up!
Oh, don't shoot,
don't shoot!
Stand still!
Stand still!
No shooting me! No shooting!
WILBUR: Save me!
(WILBUR LAUGHING)
Help me!
Easy, easy, Wilbur.
Easy, Come on, sit down.
Attaboy.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
What's new?
Oh, look!
(GRUNTING)
Bombs away!
I got the diamond.
Oh, let's see.
Easy!
Oh, it's beautiful.
Isn't it beautiful?
It's just like...
(BELL RINGING)
CONDUCTOR: All aboard!
All aboard!
I wonder where Wilbur is.
I'd sure like to say goodbye.
He was in such a hurry
to start his new job,
he asked me
to say goodbye for him.
Oh, it's hard to
get used to the idea
of Wilbur being a grown man.
He was such
a sweet little boy.
Fine, but let's not forget
he is a grown man.
All aboard!
I won't forget.
(HORN BLOWING)
All right.
Thanks for comin' down
to see me off.
Don't you know
why girls go to trains
to see fellas off?
No, why?
To say goodbye!
All right, give me the works.
(SCATTING)
Oh, no!
Voila!
Oh, no, no!