Youtopia (2022) Movie Script

1

[narrator] It all started
with the breakup.
First from one person,
and then from
the rest of society.
I should say now,
I never meant
for any of this to happen.
What eventually became of me
was not what
I had set out to become.
I wanted what any of us want,
to make a difference
in the world.
To love and be loved.
Possibly to rescue a dog.
Maybe I was just trying
to make sense of
this crazy world of ours,
which is impossible.
Our universe consists
of patterns so complex,
it's impossible to know
what you're missing,
let alone where to look.
How can you explain something
you don't truly understand?
[music plays faintly on radio]
[music shuts off]
[menacing instrumental]
[Ashley] Wait.
What are you doing?
[narrator] Don't you see,
Ashley?
I am setting you free.
[podcaster]
The cult was founded in
the spirit of social
consciousness,
as its doctrine included
largely vegetarian diets
and a ban on social traditions
deemed inauthentic
by the cult's leader.
A ban that
was strictly enforced.
Little did they know, however,
this was their fearless
leader's last night on Earth.
-Ooh!
-[screaming]
God, why do you
keep doing that?
-'Cause it's funny.
-Ugh, if it was funny,
-I would laugh.
-I'm laughing.
-[Scout laughing]
-[mocking laughter]
I don't laugh like that.
Oh, you absolutely
laugh like that.
You know, for somebody who's
so hypersensitive to others,
your lack of self-awareness
is shocking, Scout.
Scout? [sighs]
Scout, please. I--
-Ooh!
-[screaming]
[laughing]
-I hate you.
-[Scout] No!
Fear releases dopamine,
which simulates the feeling
of falling in love,
a feeling which doubles down
when you finally realize
you're safe.
So, technically,
like, you're welcome.
Nope. Mm-mmm.
-What about, like, uh--
-Mm-mmm.
Okay. Fine.
What are you tweeting?
Politics.
Oh, what-- what politics?
You hate politics.
No, I don't.
I care a lot about politics.
What kind of politics?
Fine. Mitch McConnell's pushing
a confirmation in
the Ninth Circuit,
but HuffPost just
released a dossier th...
[snoring]
Sorry, I just fell asleep.
Just got bored listening
to all that horse race politics.
It's like, zoom out.
It has nothing to do with
the bigger picture,
which is arguably
much more important.
Do you even know
what horse race politics is?
Or are you just repeating
something that
you heard in a podcast?
Repeating something
I heard off a podcast.
Yeah.
Whi-- which is like
a verbal retweet.
It's the same concept,
basically.
Okay. Fine, true.
You're right. I'm sorry.
I love you.
Hmm.
Psst, your line is,
"I love you, too, Natasha."
Any time.
Right. It's just love is like
an incredibly powerful
human emotion.
And it feels, like,
reductive to limit it
to call and response.
You know,
it's like, "Marco," "Polo."
-"I love you." "Polo."
-I love you, too.
You know what I do love,
though?
Popcorn.
I'm gonna make some.
I'll be back.
Please don't eat in bed, Scout.
I can tell when you do,
'cause there's crumbs.
I'm serious. It wakes me up.
Scout, are you even listening?
-Polo.
-[yelps]
[Scout laughing]
You were so scared.
You were like, "Ah!"
[chuckling]
Do you ever hate people so much
that you find yourself
rooting for global warming?
Wake me up for the revolution.
L-O-L.
[tweet chirping]
[popcorn popping,
microwave beeping]
[pop music playing
over headphones]
[podcaster]
Okay. I'm in a parking lot.
A security guard approaches,
nervously.
He's new to the job.
Probably because the job
didn't exist before.
[voice #1] I miss my cousin.
You know, I'd do anything
to get him back.
[podcaster] Anything?
[robocall]
This is a telecom worldwide
prepaid phone call from--
[podcaster] What happened
to Dante Emilio Goochman?
[voice #2] His keys were found
behind the club.
[podcaster] Shots weren't all
that was fired that night.
[voice #3]
It sounded like a Taser or,
I don't know, like,
one of those, um...
-A Taser?
-[podcaster] From WLEZ.
This is Justice Al Dante.
Episode 1:
Saturdays Are for the--
Episode 22:
Dude, Where's My Bro?
We still don't know
what happened to Dante.
Good morning, my love.
-What we do know...
-Natasha?
[podcaster]
... is the more you know,
the more you don't know.
Natasha?
"I can't do this anymore.
I'm leaving. Natasha."
[chuckling]
Very funny, Natasha.
Good-- good joke.
Natasha?
"P.S. This is not a joke.
It if was meant to be funny,
I'd laugh.
And the fact that you probably
are laughing right now
is even more evidence
that we were
never compatible
in the first place.
And furthermore,
evidence that--"
Oh, my God.
She's gone.
Natasha?
[Scout] Echoes of you ripple
through the sheets.
The concave crease
of something heavy,
recently removed.
Where once were love crumbs,
now are only Doritos.
Day one, I am empty.
Wake up in the morning
and my bed is empty
Feeling kind of crazy
and I don't know why
Up in the morning
still dreaming of you
I'm like, fuck that bitch
Fuck that bitch
Wake up but today
I'm crying and I can't stop
Up and I stay
in the shadow of you
The places where you
criticized everything I did
-Wait, fuck that bitch
-Yeah
-Fuck that bitch
-Yeah
Now that you're gone
There's no one
to remind me
Not to have a beer
for breakfast
Now that you're gone from me
I can drink two
Two for me
and none for you
Now that
you're gone from me
Now that you're gone
I can masturbate
any time I want to
Now that you're gone from me
I don't need you
For oh, oh, oh, oh
Now I'm drunk in the day,
feeling higher than hell
Turn it up 'cause today
is not about you
The only thing
you took from me
-Was pointless negativity
-Fuck that bitch
And furniture. You--
you took all the furniture.
Used to fight every day
then at night turn away
It was fucked up
but not fucking
Your nightguard
was disgusting
Freedom felt from knowing
I will not have to apologize
For what you overanalyze
Fuck that bitch, oh
Now that you're gone
So glad you're gone
I can get some crumbs
up in my bed if I want to
Now that you're gone from me
I can sleep in shoes
Give me shoes
Now that
you're gone from me
-Finally gone
-I can have sex
With any girl I want to
Now that
you're gone from me
I can do you
and you and you
-And you and you and you
-Not you.
Sometimes when
you fall in love
You're blinded by
the falling
And you fail to realize
You have landed
where you don't belong
You never liked my friends
My friends never liked you
Now I never worry that
I'll leave a party early
'Cause your head hurts,
not in the mood
Talk about it later,
bad juju
All it takes is sadness
felt from missing you
Which I do, some couples
are not meant to be
So, you can be
the one for you
But I will be
the one for me
I will be the one for me
I'm glad you're gone
Your parents
kind of sucked
And I've never liked
your haircut
Why'd you always have
to act like a dick
A full-blownm 100%--
1,000% dick.
-Good, glad you're gone
-So friggin' gone
Now I can come first
every time and I'm going to
Took our doggie door,
you don't even have a dog
I finally get
to scratch that itch
Bye, Felicia,
fuck that bitch
Nope, you're just a dick.
You're a dick.
You're a dick,
tucked into an asshole,
tucked into another dick.
You're a-- you're a--
You're a turdicken. Oh, my God.
You're a turdicken.
You invented--
You invented
a new insult for humanity.
By the layers of dick
in your-- in your--
in your-- in your ego...
At least now I have nothing
left to lose.
[lightbulb shattering]
Touch.
Ugh, why, what the--
Abundance is for everyone
[podcaster 2] A lot of people,
especially living in L.A.,
are going to say that, like,
self-love, it's all the rage.
We love it.
We all love self-love.
But, like, let's be honest,
it's not some woo-woo shit.
It is some scientific fact.
Wherever you are in life
listening to this podcast,
you're exactly where
you want to be.
[podcaster 3] Podcast.
The other day,
I was on a jog in the park
and I passed by a couple
taking wedding photos.
Everything about
them disagreed.
Their body language,
the tone of their speech.
At one point,
the groom put his hand on
the bride's shoulder
and she winced.
The relationship was
the definition of toxic.
But neither of them
was able to leave.
That's what makes it
a relationship.
But I'm getting ahead
of myself.
In 1920, Italian designer,
Thayat, published
a sewing pattern
for a garment he called
the most innovative,
futuristic garment
ever produced.
What we now call the jumpsuit.
He called it the TuTa.
Our Big Mac is the biggest
Our healthcare
is the sickest
Fried chicken
comes with biscuits
Our nation is
the narcissistics
Gerrymandered districts
Tax cuts for the richest
Brexit,
wait, that's British
America, the bigliest
[podcaster 3]
More than just an outfit,
the TuTa was designed
as a revolutionary garment
for the new man,
a democratic uniform,
the end of wasteful couture.
It's a bold move, creating
something that will make
your entire industry obsolete.
But that's just what
Thayat set out to do.
Set fire to a relationship
he knew had grown toxic.
So, what happened next?
Revolution in the streets?
Not exactly.
The upper class took on
jumpsuits as an ironic trend.
That's capitalism
for you, baby.
If it ain't broke,
don't fix it.
But if it is broken, do.
America is in
a toxic relationship
and it can't get out.
But we can.
Our Big Mac is the biggest
Our health care
is the sickest
Fried chicken
comes with biscuits
Our nation is
the narcissistics
Gerrymandered districts
Tax cuts for the richest
Brexit,
wait, that's British
America, the bigliest
[podcaster 3] There is no legal
right in the United States
for an individual to secede.
But there's no law
against it either.
Declaring yourself free
is a declaration of war.
It's saying,
"Come and get me, America."
And if America doesn't come,
then I guess you've seceded.
Al Gore won
the popular vote in 2000.
So did Hillary Clinton
in 2016.
So, why weren't either
of them president?
The defining characteristic
of a republic
is citizens
electing politicians
to represent their interests.
You can't win an election
by losing the vote.
I don't know how perfect
our founding fathers
thought this country could be,
but I am certain
they planned for something
more perfect than this.
Our Big Mac is our biggest
Our healthcare
is the sickest
Fried chicken comes
with biscuits
Our nation is
the narcissistics
[podcaster 3]
The choice is yours.
You can stay where you are and
continue to shop for clothes.
Spend your life savings on
the planned obsolescence
of a wedding gown.
Or you can throw on a jumpsuit
and try for something more.
Biscuit
[podcaster 3]
This podcast is brought to you
by Yummy Yummy Chef Time.
That's Yummy Yummy Chef Time.
The time is right for yum.
[Scout] Oh, God.
Right there. Right there.
I call
this first official meeting
for the sovereign nation state
of Scoutopia to order.
Uh, rollcall first.
Uh, Scout, present, Doge?
Great, that's a quorum.
Uh, next order of business,
we need to elect
a benevolent dictator.
Because, Doge,
benevolent dictator's
the most effective
form of government,
otherwise we could end up,
like, mired in debate.
And the whole point of
Scoutopia is to take action.
If it doesn't make sense,
it's time to make change.
Yeah, I did hear that
on a podcast.
Obviously.
I'll throw out
a nomination on the floor.
Scout Durwood for the role
of benevolent dict-- dictator.
Do I have a second?
Doge, work with me.
What, do you want to do it?
-You don't even have thumbs.
-[barking]
All right, second,
that's a second.
Scout, time for a speech.
You have the floor.
Wow. First off,
let me just say how...
I mean, how honored I am
to be nominated
for this incredibly prestigious
role of benevolent dictator.
Benevolent, bene,
from the Latin meaning "well,"
and velle, meaning "to wish."
A well-wisher
and someone who wishes well
with the absolute
authority to enforce
her-- or his, or his.
Her or his vision
of a better world.
If elected benevolent dictator,
I will work tirelessly
to promote the ideals
we hold dearest
here in Scoutopia,
including environmentalism.
Uh, I believe music should be
played at a reasonable volume.
Also, I don't think
we need an Oxford comma.
There I said it.
I promise to pass
the Bechdel test.
I promise to invest in
innovation over tradition.
Because you know what they say.
The definition of insanity
is these prices!
It's time to give the power
back to the people
by taking it away
from them entirely.
So, vote for me
for benevolent dictator
and I promise to wish you well.
Also, death to all squirrels.
[barking]
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you, Scout.
Way to read the room.
All those in favor of Scout
for benevolent dictator,
please say, "Aye." Aye.
All opposed?
Abstentions?
Doge, work with me here,
we can't pass this
without a quorum.
-[woofing]
-Great. The motion passes.
As of this moment, Scout is
officially benevolent dictator
of the sovereign nation state
of Scoutopia
on this 23rd day of Scoutember.
Take that, America,
I can do anything--
[soft pop music]
Wake up at 10:30,
I don't need an alarm
Scroll through the 'Gram
and trying to find a post
That gives my life
some meaning
But I don't find one
So, I like a dog
11:30, buy a $14 juice
Where's my iPhone
and my Uber
Ugh, I do that
all the time
There should be
an app for that
I'mma start
an app for that
Should I get a dog?
I'm so bored
Millennial malaise
I wake up bored
I should take a spin class
I could use my class pass
Maybe I will
donate my eggs
High noon,
I decided to be vegan
'Cause I'm down with
charcoal toothpaste
And I move towards
love and light
Try to Google kundalini
But I can't spell it
Isn't there an H?
-K-U-H-N-E--
-No.
-K-U-N-E-A--
-No.
-K-U-N-E-H--
-What, no.
K-U-H-N-E-A-H--
Oh, my God
I just killed a bug
I guess
I'm not vegan anymore
Good, vegan was bored
I'm into Paleo now
I'm zero waste bored
How is it 6:30?
Why has no one texted me?
Doge will be
the name of my dog
I live below
the poverty line
With $100,000
of student debt
And an unlimited data plan
My plans are limitless
I could rule the world
But I'm too bored
Millennial malaise
And who would walk Doge?
Crippled by potential
My parents
love me too much
But they never
bought me a dog
I'm so bored
I'm still bored
Like, lowkey bored
And Doge is bored
Bored
[doorbell rings]
Tourists.
Where the hell have you been?
I've been trying
to get a hold of you
for two days.
Sorry. Natasha cut me out
of the family plan.
Don't apologize,
it takes away your authority.
Ooh, so, she's really gone, huh?
I don't know, Britney,
I feel like there's a chance.
-[barking]
-[Britney] You got a dog?
I love dogs. Come here.
Yes, I got a dog.
I'm an entirely new person.
Careful,
she doesn't like flannel.
Okay, you're clearly
emotionally distraught.
-[Scout] I'm not distraught.
-Trust me, you're distraught.
Remember when Clarissa left
and you didn't eat anything
for three days?
Have you been eating?
I brought snacks.
I'm eating.
Popcorn doesn't
count as a food.
-Neither does ros.
-Yes, it does.
So, she really took everything.
You're gonna
have to get new stuff.
Actually, I don't--
I don't feel like
I want new stuff.
-You have to have stuff.
-Why?
Because it's stuff.
Did you-- did you fall
and hit your head?
Yes, why?
'Cause you're bleeding.
You're also acting
really weird.
I'll go get Band-Aids.
Natasha took all the Band-Aids.
Bitch.
-[Britney] I'll take care of it.
-[Ashley] Stop.
-Oh.
-What are you doing, honey?
I wiped it. I wiped it.
[Ashley] Now you have blood
on your shirt.
Now I have blood on my shirt.
You're right,
I'm gonna go change.
-You have blood on your shirt.
-I know, I'll change.
Honestly, I'm glad she's gone.
-Britney? Oh.
-No, Natasha.
we didn't get along.
And I get along with everyone.
I mean, Clarissa and I
get along great,
and she's a raging narcissist.
-You need to spackle this.
-She wasn't a narcissist.
Uh, yes, she was.
She dressed up as herself
for Halloween,
including a wig.
Look, can we stop talking
about my exes
and focus on
the amazing transformation
that is underfoot?
I am an entirely new person.
You have popcorn in your teeth.
-You have popcorn in your butt.
-Great.
-Can I borrow this?
-[Scout] Yes.
You know what?
As a matter of fact...
[Ashley]
So, are there cups, or...
we supposed to just chug this
like a poor person?
All clothing except
for jumpsuits is illegal now.
-Scoutopia.
-What's Scoutopia?
It's my sovereign nation state.
Girl, you can't just
wear jumpsuits.
Yes, I can, Ashley.
Imagine the future, okay?
-What are people wearing?
-Jetpacks.
Fenty by Rihanna.
What? No, no.
They're wearing jumpsuits,
utilitarian jumpsuits.
I mean, the technology exists.
Why hold ourselves back?
What are we, the coal industry?
It's been 48 hours.
Oh, yeah, Ashley,
as if time were linear, okay?
Viva la revolucin.
-This is fun.
-Why can't you just
have sex with a Tinder person,
like a normal human being?
Did you know
Natasha's dad voted for Trump,
and I didn't
say anything because, like,
I didn't want it to be,
I don't know, awkward.
I mean, we live our entire
lives on autopilot.
And why? For what? Why?
I've been on autopilot
this whole time? I had no idea.
You can't spell success
without seceding.
That's why I'm
my own country now, okay?
From now on, if something
is not 100% authentic
to who I am, I'm out.
I'm not doing it. Scoutopia.
Do you still want to go
to the brunch rave?
Obviously, it's a brunch rave.
Okay, great, Britney,
put this in your jumpsuit.
I love brunch.
[upbeat electronic music]
[Scout] Did you know there's
no such thing as local honey?
Bees aren't even native
to North America.
Everything we've been taught
to believe in is a lie.
Do you want me to get started
about the gold industry?
I mean, you want to talk about
a corrupt industry--
Okay, I hear you.
But literally, who cares?
I do. About everything.
But every day I'm trying
to meditate
and be more like him.
-The DJ?
-[Scout] Ugh, no.
No one wants to be
more like a DJ.
Like him.
Feet firmly planted,
waving in the breeze.
Going whenever life takes you.
A party full of music,
and yet only one of us
is brave enough to dance.
Okay, you just got dumped
by your fiance,
so maybe we take a beat.
That's exactly my point.
I don't even believe
in marriage.
And Natasha knew that.
As far as I'm concerned,
straight people should have
been marching to get out
rather than gay people
marching to get in.
Hmm, fair.
And who was the first--
who was
the first woman to be like,
"Oh, I want to throw
a love party
and I'm going
to invite all my friends
and I'm going to wear white.
And then no one else at
the party gets to wear white."
You gotta find a jiggly piece.
"But some of my friends
are going to wear a dress
in a different color,
and that color
is going to match
the accent color on my flowers.
And then when I finish
with my flowers,
I'm going to throw it
at my friends."
Damn, you're good.
"Also, I want a cake.
What kind of cake?
I don't know.
I'm going to try all the kinds
of cake in a day of testing.
Even though as an adult woman,
I've clearly had
all the kinds of cake.
No, I want you to line the
cake types up in front of me.
And then I'm gonna taste
them one by one.
A carrot cake.
Yellow cake. Princess cake.
Ribbon cake.
Sprinkle cake. Confetti cake.
I want to try all of
the kinds of cake."
I love cake.
Are we done with this bit
or do you have more?
"Also, I want everybody
to bring me presents,
but I get
to pick which presents."
How hard did you hit
your head today?
I don't know, Ashley,
just hard enough.
-No!
-[shouting]
Jenga.
-How could you do that?
-[Jade] Scout effing Durwood.
-Who's that?
-[Scout] That is--
Scout fricking Durwood.
Can you please,
'cause I have this. 'Cause--
What the S are you doing here?
Oh, hi.
Uh, Jade, this is Ashley.
-Ashley, Jade.
-[Britney] Hi.
-[Scout] Britney.
-Britney, yeah.
And this is
The Inuit word for love.
Come again?
The Inuit word for love.
Sorry, what's the Inuit
word for love?
My baby.
Right. And-- and what's the
baby's name?
The Inuit word for love.
-Which is...
-Oh, I can't say it,
because that would be
appropriation.
But my husband and I just
really wanted to pay homage
to the people
who came before us.
So, it's kind of like
a respect thing.
That's what this feels
like right now. Respect.
[Jade]
Well, he is Canadian, right?
Oh, beautiful language.
-[Jade] Canadian?
-Inuit.
Oh, I know.
Did you guys know
they have over, like,
a hundred words for snow?
Did you know that
no, they don't?
See, the Inuit language makes
a compound word out of nouns
and their modifiers.
So, white snow, for example,
becomes one word, whitesnow,
or yellow snow to yellowsnow.
Not to be confused
with slipperysnow.
Or is it gonnasnow
or snowysnow?
Did you know Americans have
13 different words
for the submarine sandwich?
Hero, hoagie, grinder, sub,
meat bed,
tuna pocket, bread basket,
slider, pita futon,
pizza... roll.
There's a lot.
There's so many,
I could keep going.
And yet only one word for love.
Speaking of which,
where is Natasha?
Uh, we-- we broke up.
Well, most relationships end.
Except for the one
you have with yourself.
That, you can
hold on to for forever.
Unless you're
an asshole about it.
Can you please-- can you please
not curse in front of the baby?
I didn't curse in front
of your baby.
You-- you did. You said--
you said the A word, Ashley.
-It's not appropriate.
-I'm sorry.
I didn't know I was cursing
in front of your baby.
-[baby crying]
-Yeah, and now you woke him up.
You woke him up.
I'm not in front
of your baby.
Well, you woke him up with your
cursing, so... Come here.
Oh, hi.
-Do you want to hold him?
-[Scout] No, I don't.
-Are you sure?
-Yeah, I'm fine.
-I'm totally fine.
-You won't drop him.
I am-- I'm good, without the--
Scout, I literally
don't mind, okay.
No, I don't-- I don't--
I don't want to hold the baby.
-Scout. Scout.
-I'm totally-- I just...
I don't want
to hold your baby
I don't want to hold it
Don't want to hold it
I don't want
to hold your baby
Don't want to hold it
Don't make me hold it
I love you,
you're my friend
And we've been friends
for such a long time
But you got that baby now
And you know babies
ain't my style
'Cause if anybody
is crying at brunch
That somebody's
gonna be me
I don't want to touch it,
worried I'll drop it
Don't show me photos,
girl, stop it
Everybody out on
the floor with a baby
What are you doing?
You've got a baby
Go home
and be with your baby
Everybody else do shots,
scream
I don't want
to hold your baby
I don't want to hold it
I don't want to hold it
I don't want
to hold your baby
Don't want to hold it
Don't make me hold it
And I know, and I know,
and I know, and I know
You've always wanted
to be a mom
So you know, so you know,
so you know, so you know
I've never even wanted
to be an aunt
Maybe I could handle,
like, a distant aunt
Like a once a month,
like a once a year aunt
Who drops off a gift
and gets high in my car
'Cause babies freak me out
It looks like a raisin,
smells like a fart
That smile don't mean
your baby is smart
It's a baby, raisin baby
Looks like literally
every other baby
This is
the part where you sing
Goo-goo-goo-goo
goo-goo-goo
Ga-ga-ga-ga
ga-ga-ga
Everybody out on
the floor with a baby
What are you doing?
You've got a baby
Go home
and be with your baby
Everybody else have sex,
scream
I don't want
to hold your baby
I don't want to hold it
I don't want to hold it
I don't want
to hold your baby
Don't want to hold it
Don't make me hold it
Baby, baby, baby
Baby, b-b-babe, b-b-baby
B-babe, hoo hoo, b-baby
Baby, baby, baby, baby
I said baby, baby, baby
Baby
Remember a year ago when
neither of us had a baby?
Man, that was great
[crickets chirping]
So, it's, um...
Okay, I'll let you go.
I don't want
to hold your baby
I don't want to hold it
I don't want to hold it
I don't want
to hold your baby
I don't want to hold it
I don't want to hold it
I don't want
to hold your baby
I don't want to hold it
I don't want to hold it
I don't want
to hold your baby
I don't want to hold it
I don't want to hold it
I don't want
to hold your baby
[Jade]
Just wait till they have kids.
Nobody understands new moms
except for other new moms.
Only a mom can tell you that.
[baby cries distantly]
Hello?
Is that a baby?
Hello?
I'm a new mom, where are you?
I can help you.
I'm here, are you lost, Hayden?
I have bars in my purse.
[Britney] Scout, wait up.
Scout, why you walking so fast?
Because I can.
Do you see these cars
down there?
Yeah.
Every one of them thinks
that their destination
is the most important
on the road.
But if any one of them tries
to beat the system by--
by changing lanes, or--
or moving faster than
the speed of traffic,
then the entire system
breaks down,
and every one of them
is moving more slowly
than if they'd been moving
together the whole time.
Come on.
That's why driverless cars are
going to be such a big deal.
Not only do
they mitigate human ego,
they mitigate human error.
For what is humanity,
if not a vessel
..for well-intended mistakes.
[Britney] Whoa.
You, like,
think about a lot of stuff.
[Scout] It's a prison!
See that car over there?
-[Britney] Yeah.
-[Scout] Okay, well,
idling your car
for more than, like,
10 seconds at a time,
horrible for your engine.
-But I thought that--
-No, that is a myth.
It's also terrible for
the environment.
And in neighborhoods
where it happens a lot,
it delays
brain development in kids.
It results in childhood asthma.
And yet people
do it all the time.
People go to drive-thrus
to idle their car.
Idle car, idle heart.
Well, maybe she doesn't know.
I'll go tell her.
No, you can't go around
correcting people
who don't want to be corrected.
It's rude and it's ineffective
and they hate you.
And yet I can no longer abide
living in a world
so wedded to being wrong.
Therefore, Scoutopia.
-Whoa.
-[Ashley] Hey,
what route did you guys take?
That took forever.
You guys hungry?
I want some tacos.
Wait, we're not wedded
to being wrong.
I don't know, Ashley
just upgraded to the 11.
What, my phone? Shoots in 8k.
How cool is that?
[Scout] It's also
planned obsolescence.
I want to join Scoutopia.
Wait, are we still
talking about this?
Scoutopia doesn't exist,
Britney. Scout made it up.
Okay, first of all,
all countries are made up.
And second of all,
no, you don't.
It is very hard being
a Scoutopian.
Like, we can't even chew gum
unless it's specifically
labeled biodegradable.
Gum isn't biodegradable?
No, it's also the second most
littered item on the planet.
Cigarette butts are number one.
-Talk about a sticky situation.
-Yeah, well, you're welcome.
Look, my parents
raised me to believe
that I could be anything.
Do you know
how stressful that is?
Oh, I didn't know
you were born in the '90s.
Let me join Scoutopia.
I don't know, running
a sovereign nation state
is going really well
for me right now,
and I don't want
to jeopardize that by, like,
attracting human followers.
Okay, well,
then who's that creeper?
[Scout] What?
Hi. Sorry, I, like,
couldn't help but overhear you
at the brunch rave.
And I totally agree.
And also traffic?
Pew! Who knew?
Oh, thank you.
[giggling] What's Scoutopia?
It's our sovereign
nation state.
-Do you want to join?
-Yes.
No, no, to this.
We don't even know this person.
I don't know, Scoutopia has
open borders, it's like...
-They do?
-Mmm-hmm.
Okay, well,
you just can't chew your gum.
Oh, yeah, no problem.
You have to-- Yeah. Give it.
Hand it over. I'll take it.
Yeah. Safekeeping.
Okay, great. This is great.
Scout, what are you doing?
-This is insane.
-Oh, no, no,
idling your car is insane.
This is inspiring
social change.
-What's next?
-Next we live our lives
and go through the world trying
to make it a better place.
Starting with our Pledge of
Allegiance to the flag.
-We don't have a flag.
-Don't we?
[Ashley] Did you steal that?
Okay, kids, we're about
to learn a new dance
It's a dance of friendship
It's a dance of freedom
It's the dance of
the wavy parachute guy
You see outside of
used car lots and tire shops
Known technically as
sky dancers
Are you ready?
Well you should be
Because the party
starts now
Put your right foot
on the ground
Now put your left foot
next to it
Just like you're a tree
A tree growing
for friendship far and wide
Now shake your butt and move
your knees in a circle
Bigger circles,
smaller circles
Everything's a circle,
life is a circle
Wave to a stranger
Feet like a trunk
and shake your butt
Your knees in a circle
You're doing great
Wave to a stranger
from the left to the right
Now tickle the sun
and smile bright
Reach to the sky,
do a body roll
Wave to a stranger,
body roll
Play catch with yourself
but you can't see the ball
Don't forget to smile
Sky dancer, dancing alone
What are you dancing for?
Sky dancer,
reaching so high
Then falling so low
Then rising again
Long, yellow, free
Are you waving at me?
Long, yellow, free
Are you waving at me?
Fi-fi-fo-free
Hollywood gives us
more of the same
So let your freak flag fly,
let your freak flag fly
Your freak flag fly,
so let your freak flag fly
[scatting]
Now you've got your feet
And now you've got
your arms
Now pretend
you don't have any bones
Reach to the sky
and fall to the floor
Reach to the sky,
fall to the floor
Reach to the sky,
fall halfway down
Go back to the sky
Feet like a trunk
and shake your butt
Knees in a circle,
smile and wave
Tickle the sun,
do a body roll
Wave to a stranger,
body roll
Play catch with yourself
but you can't see the ball
You don't have any bones
Feet to the knees
to the circle
And wave to the sun,
to the stranger, smile
Sky dancer,
what are you waving for?
Are you waving for me?
Sky dancer,
dancing above the clouds
For all to see
Sky dancer,
what are you dancing for?
Are you dancing for me?
Sky dancer,
dancing forever
Dancing for all to see
Feet like a trunk
and shake your butt
Knees in a circle,
smile and wave
Tickle the sun,
do a body roll
Wave to a stranger,
body roll
Play catch with yourself
but you can't see the ball
You don't have any bones
Feet to the knees,
to the circle
And wave to the sun,
to the stranger, smile
Feet like a trunk
and shake your butt
Your knees in a circle,
smile and wave
Tickle the sun,
do a body roll
Wave to a stranger,
body roll
Play catch with yourself
but you can't see the ball
You don't have any bones
Feet to the knees,
to the circle
And wave to the sun,
to the stranger, smile
To the sky-- [giggling]
[cheering]
[windchimes tinkling]
And that is how you Dougie.
-[applause]
-[chuckling]
[applause]
-[sneezing]
-Bless--
Out, demon. Out, evil spirit.
Take not this woman's soul,
for we value her among us.
-...You.
-[Scout] Why do you bless
someone after
they sneeze, Ashley?
You don't bless them
after they cough or burp,
-after they fart.
-[fart squeaking]
Thank you, Kourtney.
So why bless someone
after they sneeze? Ashley.
Superstition.
People used to think that
after you sneeze,
the devil was gonna--
That the devil
was gonna steal your soul.
That the devil was gonna
reach inside your nose holes,
pull your soul out of it and
replace it with an evil spirit.
Is that what
you believe, Ashley?
-No--
-No, of course not.
Because Ashley is a rational,
thinking human being.
Or... is she?
Because knowing all of this,
when Kourtney sneezed...
She blessed her. Why?
Because you value tradition
over original thought.
-Okay, isn't that right?
-I wasn't--
Thinking? No, of course
you weren't thinking.
But are any of us thinking,
when we--
when we throw our money away
on lottery tickets
or climb aboard
the deathtraps we call cars?
No. How could we be, okay?
We are all too--
we're all too...
distracted by
this constant deluge of--
-[phone chiming]
-Of advertisements
trying to get us to limit
our capacity for rational--
-[phone dinging repeatedly]
-Rational...
My B.
Thought it was on vibrate.
What is wrong with you?
...Thought.
[clearing throat]
Yeah, Britney.
What are we doing tonight?
Same thing
we do every night, Britney.
-Shots.
-[cheering]
Somebody say shots?
10:00 PM
and my phone goes off
It's Ashley saying,
let's go to the club
I hate the club
and Ashley sucks
So I'll say
I'll meet you there
We show up
and the music's like, what?
I hate this song,
so I sing along
A random drink
from a creepy guy
I drink the drink and then
ignore him all night
We're young,
we're fresh, we're fun
Yeah
Gonna light the world up,
drink the girls out
And this is how we party
We're GOAT,
we're Gucci, we're fire
Yeah, gonna live it up
till the sun comes up
JK, the bar closes at two
We're terrible people
in terrible bars
Terrible music
in our terrible cars
Terrible friends
having terrible fun
So let's dance
Terrible girls
and terrible boys
The terrible sound
of my baby voice
Terrible choices on
a terrible night
[Scout] Just for once, guys,
can we just dance?
We always say we're gonna dance
and then nobody ever dances.
Fireball shots
and the night is lit
Britney's already
feeling sick
Britney throws up
in the bouncer's kiss
I fell off the bar
Britney is crying,
and where is my bag?
Ashley's ignoring us
on her phone
If I'm being real,
she's a medium friend
Going out's the best
'Cause we're--
yes, we're fierce
We're appropriating
language
Gonna light the world up,
drink the girls out
This is how we party
We're cute,
we're fruit, we're fly
Okay
Enjoy the ride,
'cause we're dead inside
This is how we party
We're terrible people
in terrible bars
Terrible music
in our terrible cars
Terrible friends
having terrible fun
So let's dance
Terrible girls
and terrible boys
The terrible sound
of my baby voice
Terrible choices
on a terrible night
[Scout]
Has anyone seen Ashley?
I leave the club
in my bare feet
I pee on my shoes
when I pee on the street
I get in my car
and I drive away
But I crashed the car
cause I'm super wasted
The cops show up
'cause my car is on fire
I punched the cop
and then I go to jail
It ruins my life
and I never buy a house
But I wasn't gonna
buy one anyway
'Cause I'm GOAT,
I'm 100, I'm...
Basketball! I don't know,
I ran out of words.
Gonna light the world up,
drink the girls out
This is how we--
Everybody go, terrible people
in terrible bars
Terrible music
in our terrible cars
Terrible friends
having terrible fun
So let's dance
Terrible song
and why are we singing
Terrible, stop,
can I please go home?
Terrible drinks that
are technically poison
This is how we party
Terrible Ashley
and Britney's dead
Oops, my bad,
she called a Lyft
She still could be dead,
do you guys want tacos?
Going out's the best
Excuse me? It's too--
It's too loud.
Can you turn it down?
Turn-- thank you.
Our message is about love
and equality and no straws.
Yeah, that and a firm belief
that music should be played
at a reasonable volume.
Okay, I just talked to the DJ.
They said they'd turn it down.
So... [sighing]
Oh, no conflict is approaching.
Protect your leader.
Scoutopia.
-Hey, guys.
-Oh, hey, girl.
-Not a girl.
-Yeah, we're not guys. So...
Yeah, obviously. You guys
come here alone, or, uh...
Mm, no,
we came with each other.
Oh... All right,
yeah, I see what's going on.
Yeah, I'm actually--
I'm actually a lesbian
trapped in a man's body.
-So totally get it.
-Doubt it.
Must be so hard for you
to shop for bras.
[snickering]
What size do you even buy?
42 AA extreme!
-Baby size.
-Got a nice lift.
You know my girlfriend
is, uh.. bi.
Swing through later if
you wanna have a little fun...
on me.
What was that about?
That was crazy.
-What's his deal?
-Ugh...
-What an awful...
-what is your face doing?
[Scout] A bisexual girlfriend?
What is this, college?
-I'm just having some fun.
-Stop.
Like, what kind of monster
says no to fun?
-Oops, oh, no, what do I do?
-Stop. Homewrecker.
Not a homewrecker.
I'm a party starter.
Air guns, pew-pew-pew, byee!
Scoutopia!
Do you want me to run the cult
while you're gone?
-[Scout] No.
-Okay, come on, Britney.
Let's get a drink.
For the last time,
my name's Kourtney.
-Oh, where's Britney?
-I don't know.
You know what? She's probably
still in the bathroom.
Peeing in a onesie
is not a game.
Yeah, it's not a game.
How long was I asleep for?
All my friends
had warned me
Oh, micro packaging?
No, thank you.
-[phone chimes]
-Adding a passenger? Cool.
Carpooling is, like, uber
important to me, but in a Lyft.
Daybreak, I'll be
calling out your name
Chasing night
'til morning...
Did you know that 40%
of all urban litter
comes from fast food packaging?
-Ooh!
-Ah!
[gasps and laughs]
My God, you scared me.
I know. 'Cause, um,
fear releases dopamine,
which simulates
the feeling of falling in love.
Uh, a feeling which doubles
down when you realize
you're finally safe.
So, hi, I'm Scout.
-I'm, uh, Carrie.
-I knew you'd come by.
Let's get a bottle.
What do you drink? Vodka.
-Uh--
-Goochie wants Goosey.
Is that how we order now?
We just shout to the ether?
-You wanna hit?
-[Scout] Uh, no, I feel like
you did enough
for the both of us.
It's mostly CBD.
Do you know what CBD is?
Yeah, I do.
My cousin runs a grow
-in, um, the--
-Tell you what. Keep that.
I'm CEO of the company,
Vape Nasty.
People think marijuana
is, like, this big bad drug,
but do you know how
many toxins are in Tylenol?
-I'm Goochie, by the way.
-Gooch?
Yeah, short for Goochman.
My parents were Dutch,
Original Goochie gang settlers.
Wow. I didn't know Dutch people
were the original Goochie ga--
-Yeah. Giddy up! Whoo!
-Oh.
Wow,
that's an intense--
-Pep talk?
-Uh, that depends.
-Is it fair trade?
-It's fair. You can have some.
Just trying to
avoid industries that, like,
contribute to
the global murder rate.
All right, babe,
do you wanna hit? She's boring.
Ew.
Don't you mean, "Ooh."
-More for me.
-Ooh. Yes, I do.
-Ooh.
-Ooh.
-Ooh.
-[both giggling]
[upbeat electronic music]
Girlfriend
Get drunk, do shots
Then I'm gonna steal
your girlfriend
Go out, get hyped
I'm gonna steal your girl
Do it right
in front of your face
You won't notice it,
oh, oh
But I'm gonna steal
your girlfriend
I'll see you staring at me,
creeping in the corner
You're the Camaro
of human beings
Base model swagger,
tight pants, ponytail
Dressed like discount Bieber
at an everything must go sale
Your girlfriend's
rolling her eyes
Because your game consists
of flexing and agro high fives
Sure, I'll come over,
but FYI
The story's got a twist
at the end
Get drunk, do shots
Then I'm gonna
steal your girlfriend
Go out, get hyped
I'm gonna steal your girl
Predatory lesbian
I'm gonna steal
your girlfriend
Your [indistinct] deafening,
shh, just stole your girl
Do it right
in front of your face
You won't notice with
your dick in your hand
You're not good
at reading social cues
Don't try to fight it
'Cause I'm gonna
steal your girlfriend
We can go all night when
it's just between us girls
Can't call you a douchebag
You've never touched vagina
You talk too closely
and had Chick-fil-A for lunch
I'll take your princess
home and I'll "Leia"
Thought you'd
have a threesome
but you're left
with your "hand solo"
She values human connection
We've got better toys to play
with than your affection
She wants to taste my rainbow
and I give her full consent
It's a cupcake slumber party
just between us girlfriends
Get drunk, do shots
Then I'm gonna steal
your girlfriend
Go out, get hyped
I'm gonna steal your girl
Predatory lesbian
I'm gonna steal
your girlfriend
Your ego's deafening,
shh, just stole your girl
Machismo is a no go
So, I had to steal
your girlfriend
Three minus you equals
just me and your girl
It's actually
more accurate
To say she left voluntarily
'Cause language of possession
is highly problematic
Her name is Carrie
She's totally independent
You loved her in a dress
Now I'm taking off her pants
In a reciprocal relationship
With mutual respect
You wouldn't get it, so just
say I stole your girlfriend
Girlfriend
'Cause I stole
your girlfriend
Girlfriend
Yeah, I stole
your girlfriend
Girlfriend
And now she is my girlfriend
Girlfriend
La, la, la, la, girlfriend
[song ends]
[lights buzzing]
[light switch clicks]
-Peristalsis.
-What?
Successive waves
of throat muscles contracting.
-Peristalsis.
-Wow, That's... weird.
Yeah.
What sexual fantasy isn't?
Aer lingus, angina, assonance,
backdoor beaver, breast stroke
Bulbous, bunny, buttress
Charles Dickens,
charm, coccyx, cockapoo
Cockle, cockpit,
conk, copula
Creamy, cul-de-sac,
cum laude, cumin, cystic
Dipthong, dongle
Ooh, baby
You know you can't resist it
Ooh, ooh, baby
When I'm sexually implicit
Wanna get with me?
Filthy, flirty
Wanna be with me?
Baby, better keep it wordy
Facial, fajita, fartlek,
fish stick, flaccid, flagella
Flappy, flautist, foaming
Free willy,
fricatives, fruity
Girth, gooey, Homo erectus,
humpback, joystick, juices
Kumquat, lingual,
bilingual, magna cum laude
Manhole
Ooh, baby
You wanna love me longer,
longer
Ooh, ooh, baby
You better hit me
with some sweet entendre
Ooh, baby
You know you
can't resist it
Ooh, ooh, baby
When I'm sexually implicit
Masticate, membrane
Moist muffin
Nasty, nut butter, Oedipus,
oral, panties
Peacock, penal code,
pendulous
Penultimate,
phalanges, pianist
Poop deck, pounding
Pro bono, prostrate, pudding,
pulsing, pumping, punt
Pussy willow ramrod,
rimshot, Rorschach, secretion
Sextuplets, shaft,
shuttlecock, slather, slider
Smack, snatch, spaetzle,
spelunk, sperm whale
Splurge, sprinkle, squat,
squirt, sticky, subpoena
Summa cum laude
Throbbing, titmouse,
tight end, tittle
Titular, Uranus, viscous,
Vivaldi, waxing gibbous
Weenis
[song ends]
Wow. I've never made
eye contact like this.
Hey, I know this is fast.
Maybe it's my lesbian vibes.
-Yeah.
-But I think I love you, Scout.
-Polo.
-What?
Come on,
let's get out of here.
Too much blue light
before bed isn't good for you.
Releases cortisol,
messes up your metabolism.
Ooh, I will cortisol
you all night, girl.
-[thumping]
-Ow! Ow.
No low tables with
sharp corners. Scoutopia.
No low tables with sharp
corners. This is illegal now.
Come on, move it.
You, come on, help me.
[straining]
Okay, let's go.
Come on. Scoutopia, let's go.
[pop music]
Guess this is how
we leave a party now.
-Scoutopia.
-Okay, let's go, let's go, go,
-go, come on, come on.
-Yeah. Whoo.
-That's my job. That's my job.
-Oh.
Just go. Turn around.
Go, go, go.
Don't fake it 'til you make it.
Fake it 'til you become it.
-[Goochie] Yeah.
-Scoutopia.
Yeah, 20%.
All right. Totally.
Totally. Buzz me tomorrow,
we could hash out the deets.
All right, peace.
[quietly] Fuck, yeah.
Oh, dang, bro, I'm sorry.
I was totally in my
head trying to close this deal.
Uh, peace offering?
Fucking, my girlfriend left for
like a bunch of lesbians, so...
Saturdays are for the boys!
Dope shades, by the way.
I really like them.
I had a pair just like them.
Lost them on a jet ski
at my cousin's place in Tahoe.
Yeah, we used to get
up there, like, once a year.
Bunch of dudes, you know, just
hanging out doing dude stuff.
Still got the key,
you know, just in case.
[sighs]
Anyway, I got a vodka tonic
calling me "Daddy" upstairs,
so, uh, I better hit it.
Good talking to you.
[man] You know, Tahoe's
only seven hours from here.
Six if I open her up.
Nah, man, that's-- that's really
dope of you to offer,
but I-- I gotta pass.
-Thanks anyway, though.
-Saturdays are for the boys.
-You know what, bro? Fuck it.
-[electronic glitching]
[pop song playing in car]
Um, excuse me. Sorry.
I don't mean to
step on anybody's toes,
but I'm mostly positive
that we missed my stop.
I think we passed it.
-[phone chiming]
-Oh, God.
[passenger] Mm.
Taxi, take me home
Oh, God, thank God.
Can you turn on the AC?
Um, sorry, do you know
that cigarette butts
are, like, the most
littered item on the planet?
What are you,
from Planet Do-Gooder?
Ugh, thank God.
I am starving.
We've been intermittently
fasting because apparently
that's a thing.
On top of these insane hours,
it's only going to get worse
the closer we get to November.
Wait, do you guys
know each other?
What, is she-- Are you kidding?
I cannot take her right now.
[phone chiming]
Wait, wait, wait. Wait.
Please trade me.
Come on,
we get to smoke cigarettes
even though
we lobby against tobacco.
We don't believe in AC
because we're "leaning in"
and we say
we're going to go to the gym
all the time,
but we haven't been since 2016.
Come on, please.
Fuck it.
Anarchy's dead anyway.
Yes, sister.
You're not gonna regret this.
Have you ever had
brunch on a Tuesday?
Okay, my friends are
definitely wondering where I am
and also what
the fuck is happening?
Don't worry. You're next.
[ominous music]
Everybody!
Show's about to start.
Let's do it! Whoo!
-Welcome, welcome, welcome.
-Hi, welcome. Welcome, hi.
-This is 100.
-Thank you. You are crazy.
How did everybody find
jumpsuits so fast?
Oh, my God, it's Ashley.
-Hi. Hi, welcome.
-Hey.
-So happy to have you
-Really happy to have you.
-Come on in. Hello.
-Welcome.
-Where did you popcorn?
-Thank you for coming.
Hurry on in.
I heard she literally
only eats popcorn
and cold pressed juice.
I heard that she's
a certified Pilates instructor.
You know how plastic
bags cost $0.10? She did that.
Guys, none of this is true.
-Shh, it's starting.
-You gotta calm down.
-[clears throat]
-Hi, hi.
-Ladies and gentle-ladies.
-Nonbinary friends
-of all shapes and sizes,
-welcome to Scoutopia!
[cheering]
And now,
without further ado.
The one you've
all been waiting for.
Your hero and mine,
Scout Durwood!
-Scout Durwood.
-[dog barks]
-Oh, Scout!
-[guests cheering and shouting]
[guest] I love you!
Yeah!
[guests murmuring in surprise]
-[guest 1] Ros all day.
-[guest 2] Oh, gosh.
[guest 1] Oh, you guys,
she's just--
Ah.
[belches]
[guest 3] Yeah, burp, girl.
[Scout] Hit it.
[sirens blaring and gunfire]
[upbeat tropical music]
[popcorn crunching]

[dog grumbling]
-[upbeat pop music]
-[cash register dinging]
Let me introduce myself
My name is Scout,
like Harper Lee
Grown up manic pixie dream
Yeah, I can
dance and I can sing
[vocalizing]
I don't have
bad luck with dating
I am the bad luck
Ambivalent, promiscuous,
so I do give a [bleep]
The flyest mother-lover
that you ever will meet
A Steinem in the streets,
DeGeneres in the sheets
I don't believe in
anything except for myself
And I doubt that every day
I got a college education
that I don't use
Also, I am gay
Let me introduce myself
My name is Scout
like scout it out
The verb
Sparkling, a beauty queen
Yeah, I can dance
and I can sing
Ah-cha-cha-cha-cha,
cha-cha-cha
And she goes, "Cha-cha-cha-cha
cha-cha-cha"
I'm your basic '80s baby,
Midwest, represent
Are you ready to laugh?
Feminista [indistinct]
Frida Kahlo, free the nipple,
patriarchy, no chance
The only party I support
is the one in my pants
My favorite color's mermaid,
my favorite food is ros
And I drink it every day
I got a gym membership
that I don't use
Also I am a dog mom
[dog barking]
If you've got OCD,
say, "Oh, yes."
Oh, yes
-Now say it nine more times.
-[repeating "Oh, yes."]
You need direction in
your life, put your hands up
Still need direction in
your life, keep your hands up
More direction,
clap your hands two times
One direction,
stomp your feet two times
-[guest] What?
-Real direction
Invest in index funds,
look for low commission fees
And don't be afraid of
a passive investment strategy
Okurrr
That's it for me
on this track, y'all
Don't use straws
Scout out
[dog growling]
[siren wailing in distance]
[glass shattering]
I want to talk to
you today about caterpillars.
And more importantly, about
the butterflies they become.
See, inside its cocoon,
a caterpillar releases
the digestive enzyme that
disintegrates its body comple--
[phone chiming]
That disintegrates
its body entirely.
And from that primordial goo,
-an entirely new creature--
-[phone chiming]
-An entirely--
-[phone chiming]
-An entirely new creature is--
-[phone chiming]
An entirely
new creature is born.
[whispers]
What are you doing?
[whispers] Oh, don't worry,
I've already heard this podcast.
-It's cool.
-Put your phone away.
Yeah, show your leader
some respect.
It's okay, Kourtney. Carrie.
Ashley's free
to do whatever she wants.
We value individual choice
here in Scoutopia, do we not?
I said do we not?
[all] Nothing is more
important than individual loss
-and critical thought.
-Critical thought.
Yeah, great. Thank you.
Now, Ashley, what, uh--
what's so important
it couldn't wait?
Oh, nothing. I've just--
I've already listened
-to this podcast, so...
-What podcast?
[Kourtney] Yeah,
what are you talking about?
Have you not noticed?
Most of what she's saying
she heard on a podcast.
-[all exclaiming]
-What? No.
[Kourtney laughing]
Is that true?
Uh, technically,
yeah, it is.
But wouldn't it be insane
to think I researched
-everything myself?
-No, right, but anecdotal news
is problematic,
and that's often the basis
for podcast narratives, so...
Interesting point, Ashley.
You got it.
Anyone else here
listen to podcasts?
Oh, I do.
Perhaps I am not
the free thinker I aspire to be.
Everyone,
take out your phones.
Go ahead, take them out.
That's right.
In 1971, there was a famous
anti-littering campaign
nicknamed the Crying Indian.
Their nickname, not mine.
Yeah. Problematic. Yeah.
In that commercial,
a Native American
man sheds a single tear
in response to highway litter.
And who sponsored that campaign?
Beverage
manufacturing companies.
-[guests gasp]
-Who were trying to avoid
regulation on their newly
released invention,
non-reusable packaging.
Yeah, people who litter
are monsters, they said.
But how dare we criticize
the corporations
who are filling
their hands with trash?
Treat the symptoms,
ignore the disease.
You know where
I first heard about
-the Crying Indian campaign?
-On a podcast?
-On a podcast.
-[all exclaiming]
Cell phones are illegal now.
Scoutopia.
Everyone please smash--
[Kourtney screaming]
[phone banging]
-- phones. Ashley?
-Yeah.
-Would you like to go next?
-No.
-Why not?
You can't expect us
to follow you blindly.
That goes against
everything that we stand--
[Carrie screaming]
-...for.
-Look, the point of Scoutopia
is to be better
versions of ourselves.
I thought the point
of Scoutopia
was to be fiercely judgmental
and mostly vegetarian.
You are free to make whatever
decision you wish to make,
as long as
you make the right one.
-Now smash your phone.
-No.
Don't you see
you are holding on
to something
that is holding you back.
I'm trying to help you.
Look, I get that you don't
want to wear a bra anymore.
I mean, who does?
And honestly, these jumpsuits
are super comfy,
but this is insane.
Au contraire, Ashley,
this is insane.
Tap twice if you like me.
Tap twice
if you wish to be liked.
-Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.
-[all chanting "Tap, tap"]
-Stop it.
-Tap, tap, tap.
They threaten you with obscurity
and from obscurity,
you obey.
-Hey, you're scaring me.
-Good! You'll appreciate it
even more when you finally
realize that you're safe.
-Give me my phone.
-No, I-- ow!
-Natasha has cancer.
-What?
"Just found out it's cancer,
but my new girlfriend
is the perfect nurse.
Thank you to everyone for
all your thoughts and prayers.
#FuckCancer, #Hope"
Scout, I had no idea.
Most relationships end.
Even our relationship with
our existence on this plane.
-Death is all part of it.
-Shh.
[Scout] Why do you still have
Twitter notifications
from Natasha?
I don't know.
Sad songs
are inappropriate
When you sing them
on the ukulele
Everything you're
about to hear is true.
I found out on Twitter
that my ex has cancer
But her new girlfriend is
taking excellent care of her
That's a lot of new feelings
to have all at once
Yeah, whoa
Because effectively,
I mourned you on the day
You went away and made
it very clear to me
You don't want to be friends
which is a challenge
'Cause you also said
you'd love me for forever
But if you loved me never
we'd still be friends
And now will I even
be invited to your funeral?
And if I knew, I knew,
I knew, I knew, I knew
That life would be so sad
So sad
I woulda learn, learn,
learn, learn, learned to play
Something other than,
Other than the ukulele
Yeah, whoa
The old man in my building
had to be hospitalized
Indefinitely, and when I
asked him who was helping
Taking care of his cat,
he said no one
And I said I'll take the cat
Then I found out that
the old man was a hoarder
And the cat had
severe neurological disorders
The vet said the cat
was too far gone
Blind and deaf and there was
nothing they could do
So, I surrendered the cat
and when the man came home
I had to tell him that
I murdered his only friend
Now my apartment
still smells like the cat
Also, I'm allergic to cats
And if I knew, I knew,
I knew, I knew, I knew
That life would be so sad
So sad
I woulda learn, learn,
learn, learn, learned to play
Something other than,
other than ukulele, yeah
Whoa
Sometimes I wake up
in the dead of night
Having a panic attack
that sexual slavery exists
Do-do-do, do-do-do,
do-do-do, do-do-do
Do-do-do-do
Like, how is that a problem?
Why is it even a phrase?
What dark part of humanity
can possibly explain it?
And what can we do?
What is any of this for?
Did Clooney really help
when he went to Darfur?
Is comedy an
effective tool for change?
'Cause if we choose
our own weapons
And we choose to go to war
And I am fighting for
truth and equality, for sure
Am I an idiot to think that
a song can make a difference?
And why did I choose such
a happy little instrument?
It's hard to acknowledge
social injustice
On a ukulele
Do-do-do, do-do-do,
do-do-do, do-do-do
Do-do-do
In a world where obesity is
a larger problem than hunger
And the tenth most requested
gift from Santa is a dad
And every year the Mars Rover
sings happy birthday to itself
Also everyone you know or love
or meet in the universe
Eventually dies
So sad, too bad
I only play the ukulele
I only play the uku...
...lele
[explosion booms, sirens wail]
[tense electronic music]
Wait.
What are you doing?
Don't you see, Ashley?
I am setting you free!
-Oh! Oh!
-[Scout grunts]
Sorry I'm late,
peeing in a onesie's no joke.
-Who are you?
-Everybody, get down!
[all exclaiming]
Since when do you have a gun?
Conceal and carry, baby.
Second Amendment for life!
Fucking idiot, Carrie.
[all gasping]
She's gone! That person's gone!
Oh, my God, is that 'cause
she used a straw?
I saw her use a straw.
Don't worry, guys, I got this.
Oh, my God, are you flirting
with me right now?
-What do I do, Scout?
-Run towards the light.
Okay!
Kourtney, no.
We have to explore this.
Okay, I need everyone to just
give me a minute.
Eenie, meenie, minie-- ooh!
[all gasping in fright]
[panting]
I think she's gone.
-Ooh.
-[Scout gasping]
[Ashley] No, no, no, no.
[Scout grunts]
[door shuts]
Doge?
Doge, doge.
Oh, my goddess,
I thought I lost you, too.
Oh, shade. I cannot believe
how badly this is going.
I lost my coat.
I lost my friends.
My dog won't even talk to me.
At least now I officially
have nothing left to lose.
[clattering]
Touch.
[driver] This is your stop.
[Britney] Oh, I think
this is your stop.
I'm closer to La Brea.
[passenger] Oh, my God,
I cannot with this girl.
[buzzing]
Bubbla. Britney. Welcome.
There are over
30,000 bees in this hive,
and yet only one queen.
Do you feel like there's
something special about you?
Something that separates
you from everyone else?
-No.
-Me neither.
Because we are the Britneys,
universal followers who maintain
order by supporting our hive.
Without us, no leader can lead,
for without us...
there's no one to be led.
Did you know there's
no such thing as local honey?
Bees aren't even native
to North America.
-I read that on a podcast.
-A great sentiment.
However, think-- think of
all the wonderful things
they've done
since they arrived.
They take
the sweetest bits of this,
the most potent bits of that.
You know, if bees go extinct,
that all of humanity will die.
Yet another sticky situation.
Pure change is more
than just a great idea.
I get a great idea.
You got a great idea.
We all get great ideas.
It's about follow up,
follow through, followers.
Go be that follower, Britney.
Don't let your leader give up.
Scram. Get out of here.
-Wait, where are you going?
-Well, this is your stop.
I don't even know where I am.
Wait, has your car
been idling this entire time?
Don't you care anything
about the environment?
Idle car, idle heart.
Scout?
Scout, wait up!
[Scout] So this is what
the end of hope looks like.
Nothing to hold on to,
nothing to hold me back.
[Britney] Scout.
Scout. Hi.
[Scout]
Oh, my gosh. Britney.
-Hi.
-Where have you been?
I took a Lyft.
I thought I told you.
Yeah, but that was
two days ago.
I know.
So what did I miss?
Well, kind of a lot.
Uh, I was confronted
by my evil twin.
I singlehandedly negated
all of the good
I set out
to create in the world.
And in a quest for power,
I have become everything I hate,
as evidenced by the fact that
everyone I love now hates me.
Oh. That sounds tough.
Yeah, Britney,
this is all turning out to be
significantly tougher than
I ever dreamed it could be.
Well, hey, don't give up.
What you mean, don't give up?
Everything I've done since
Natasha left me is garbage.
Not everything.
I pledge allegiance
to the wacky waver
of the United States
of Scoutopia...
[Both] And to the shepublic
for which it stands,
one nation under Scout,
indivisible, with liberty
and justice for Scoutopia.
Scout, life is a party
filled with music.
It'd be a shame if you were no
longer brave enough to dance.
Thanks, Britney.
You're right and I needed that.
[sighing]
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a cult to save.
Yeah! Go do it!
You got this, Scout.
Oh, my God. I'm doing it.
I'm a Britney
and I'm a follower
and I'm doing it.
Wait, Scout, wait up.
God damn it.
I'm an idiot. Okay.
Feet like a trunk
and shake your butt
I'm gonna do this
and change the world
Sky dancer
I got this. I got this.
I can't do this.
What am I doing? I can't just--
I'm going to do this.
I got this. Okay.
Eyes on the prize,
changing the world.
You've got this, Scout.
Into the abyss.
[menacing instrumental]
-[Scout] Hello?
-Oooh!
-[gasping]
-[laughing]
You're right.
That's fun. That's-- ooh!
-Who are you?
-Oh, how rude of me.
I'm Scout.
That's impossible. I'm Scout.
Surely you can't think
there's only one of you
in the universe.
Oh, you do?
-Well, how quaint.
-There's more than one of me?
There's more
than one of everybody.
Literally everything
in the universe
exists because
of patterns in math.
I forgot
how endearingly preoccupied
this universe is
with trying to be special.
Spoiler alert,
there's no such thing.
I'm from an alien planet
populated entirely
by people who look
and act just like you.
I've come to take you there.
Come on, let's go home.
I-- I--
What are you doing?
Don't you want to come home?
-What about my friends?
-[alien] What about them?
You said it yourself.
They're medium friends.
Yeah, but
they're my medium friends.
Okay, well, now
I'm your medium friend.
Technically,
I am a liaison between worlds.
A medium, if you will.
Devastating, really,
that this world can't be saved.
These separations
are never pleasant.
But as they say,
the fate of the universe
-depends on us, so...
-Separations.
Do you know where the word
utopia comes from, Scout?
Yeah, obviously it's Greek.
"Ou" meaning not, and "topos",
meaning place. Utopia.
-[Scout] Not a place.
-Mm-hmm. But a youtopia?
Y-O-U.
Now there's a juice
that's worth the squeeze.
A metopia?
There are infinite topias
in the universe.
Generally speaking,
people prefer to mix and match,
entropy being
what it is and all.
But every once in a while,
the conversation
gets a little too... rowdy.
One of these
separations begins.
You can already
see the roots of it here.
I mean, there are infinite
points of view available,
and yet most people prefer
an echo chamber of their own.
Right, but there's no way
the solution is to have
fewer points of view.
What about the point of view
that you shouldn't, um,
vaccinate your children?
Um, that's not a point of view.
That's incorrect.
That's-- Wait, is there an
entire planet of anti-vaxxers?
Well, they've never technically
populated an entire planet.
One person gets the measles
and the whole planet's gone.
I mean, you should
see Natashatopia.
It's nothing but collared
shirts and Twitter feeds.
Natasha's
not on another planet.
She just tweeted about cancer.
Oh, honestly,
most people on Twitter
are actually just citizens
of Natashatopia.
I mean, haven't you noticed
the redundancies?
Ugh-- Who's still even
on Twitter these days?
In Scoutopia,
we don't even have smartphones,
just portable podcast devices.
Huge fan of yours,
by the way.
Oh my God,
you listen to my podcast?
Everyone on Scoutopia
loves your podcast.
Just like we love you.
No. If there's one thing
all citizens of Scoutopia
must agree on
it's that there's
no such thing as love.
[alien] Except for self love.
That, you can
hold on to for forever.
Come home with us, Scout.
We love you
like no one else can.
And isn't that what everyone
wants in the end?
To be loved?
I love you like,
I love you like
I love you like,
I love you like
I love you like
an old man drives, slowly
I love you like
a narcissist, for me only
I love you, even if
it's extra guacamole
I love you like pornography,
ooh, moany-moany
I love you
like baby shampoo, no tears
I love you like
a '90s T-shirt, no fears
Love you,
but I'm sober now, no cheers
I love you, but it's toxic,
Britney Spears
Love like honey, sticky
Love like magic, tricky
Love like pimples, picky
Love like chicken, chicky
Love like clippers,
tight fade
Love like Venmo, get paid
Love that's fishy, mermaid
Love that hurts me,
first aid
I love you like
you're savory, umami
I love you
like you're saving me
Et Spiritus Sancti
Love that's indigestible
Picante
I love you,
but it's flexible
Om shanti shanti
I love you
like a cell phone
One month
and then it's cracked
I love you like
a tin roof, love shack
Love you like
some carrot sticks
Snack
I love you,
but it's killing me, Zodiac
Love like pop songs, hooky
I do it for the nookie
Sweet like sugar cookie
Just like the first time,
rookie
Love like drag queens,
cunty
In pigtails, call me Punky
Socks because I'm comfy
Now tie me up and cuff me
I love you like I love you
I love you
I love you like I love you
I love you
I love you like I love you
I love you
I love, oh, ooh
I love you
I love you
I love you
I said
[voice glitching]
Love you like Obsession
Calvin Klein
I love you like you're
solid gold, all mine
I love you locked up in
a castle, tale as old as time
I love you like the world
is ending, I feel fine
I love you like
I love you like
-[Morse code beeping]
-Morse code
Love that's thicker
than it's long
It's a chode
I love you like two wrongs
together, it feels so right
I love you like a Fight Club
If it's your first night here,
you have to fight
[cake squishing]
Love like Netflix chill,
love like keep it real
Love like Jack loves Jill
Jagged little pill
Love like models, Twiggy
Love like Fresh Prince,
jiggy
Love like brickhouse, picky
Love like Newtons, figgy
Love like [indistinct]
and skanky
Love like hanky panky
Love like cankles, cankly
Love like Wolf Air, tanky
Love like popcorn, corny
Love like rhinos, horny
Love like herpes sore-y
Never-ending story
[music winds down]
Love you like
I love you like
[bell ringing]
[gunshot]
[slow motion] No!
No!
[both groaning]
-[Scout] Ow.
-Are you okay?
What the fuck Ashley?
[Ashley] I shot somebody.
Oh, my God, my body.
Gosh, did I pick wrong?
No, no, you picked right.
I'm-- I'm alien Scout, hello.
You monster.
She doesn't want anything to do
-with your bullshit plan, okay?
-No, I do.
-I do. I want it...
-Life is not about surrounding
yourself
with like-minded individuals.
It's about exposing yourself
to new perspectives
-you never dreamed existed.
-[Scout] Yes, I do.
-It's about--
-No. No. Take me to...
-Scoutopia.
-What?
Imagine a world
where you didn't have to worry
about rape, Ashley.
Like, just for starters.
Ima-- Imagine never having to
have another conversation about
the importance of science
over belief. Imagine--
Did I mention the entire
planet is also gluten-free?
It's usually a big draw.
Come on, I gotta go there.
-If only I live long...
-[Britney] Wait, I have an idea.
I knew I kept this
for a reason. It's my gum.
I can use
it to seal the wound.
-Stop that.
-What is the matter with you?
She's going to be fine.
There's no such thing
as deadly force on Scoutopia.
We're not on Scoutopia.
We're in my apartment.
And your apartment is?
-Scoutopia.
-A portal to Scoutopia.
-A portal to Scoutopia.
-I opened it just a minute ago.
I thought we were going, and
then this happened and so--
but we gotta go now 'cause
it will close eventually.
Takes a lot of energy
and we're very eco-fre--
You know-- I don't
have to explain it to you.
You've already-- We gotta go.
Gotta go.
-[Scout] Okay.
-What about me?
Oh. Well, I guess...
most relationships end.
Yeah. I guess they do.
Hey, I'm-- I'm really
sorry about everything, I--
Don't apologize.
Takes away your authority.
Good. Maybe-- maybe
it's about time someone did.
Looks like I was
the medium friend all along.
Yeah. You were.
Oh. I was.
-Okay.
-Are you ready now?
I'm ready. Wait.
-I want you to keep Doge.
-Okay.
So a part of
me will always live on.
Oh, you can take Doge
to Scoutopia.
Everyone on
that planet has a rescue dog.
Literally everyone
on the planet is you.
-So, they all have a--
-Oh, okay.
In that case,
bye, guys.
-Bye.
-Say bye, Doge. Bye.
[speaking Inuit]
-What's that?
-It's the Inuit word for love.
[scoffs]
Now what?
Now it's your turn, biotch.
I'm here to take you home, girl.
-Who are you?
-Wait, wait, I got this.
Okay, how much
do you know about bees?
I'm taking you
to Ashleytopia, honey.
-Ashleytopia?
-Yeah. You know how you feel
-about high-low dresses.
-Yes.
That they're
the mullets of evening wear.
Imagine a world
where they don't even exist.
Huh?
Imagine a world where cap
sleeves are a thing of the past.
So, this is
what we're doing now?
We're all just gonna
go to our own planets
where everyone
has the same beliefs?
You're flirting with me
right now. Come on, let's go.
Okay, I'm not gonna
go to an alien planet.
I'm not doing it. I'm gonna--
I'm gonna leave the house
because I don't have
a reason to stay here.
But I'm not gonna teleport.
-Anywhere.
-Bye.
It's a--
it's a death machine.
I heard about it on a podcast.
-Have fun.
-Hey, my next ride is here.
-You gonna be okay?
-I think so.
All right, well, if you need me,
you know where to find me.
And remember,
things won't get better
unless you demand
for them to change.
Holy cannoli.
Biodegradable gum.
-I get to chew gum again.
-Check out that gum.
Well, this is exciting.
I love chewing gum.
It's not really the consistency
I'm used to. This is not--
Okay. Well, bye, Britney.
Thank you, Other Britney.
I can get used to this.
-[knocking on door]
-Oh, I'll get it.
Hello? Hi. Sorry,
the door was open.
Hey. Oh, that's okay.
Well, I'm here on behalf
of the organization,
You Are Not a Loan.
We grant micro loans
to women-run businesses
in the developing world.
I was wondering if I could just
have a moment of your time.
You can have
all the moments of my time.
Also, uh, what's a micro loan?
Really? Oh, uh, yeah.
A micro loan
is like a macro loan,
but smaller,
because it's for women.
-Well, that's not okay, right?
-Yeah.
Would you be
interested in helping?
-I would love to help.
-Really?
If you'll have me, yes.
-Wow, I wasn't expecting this.
-Me neither.
Yeah, well, uh, do you wanna
go door to door with me?
-I would love nothing more.
-Oh, that's so great.
This is such
a passionate cause of mine.
You know, macro loans,
those are too big for women.
But if you get a small--
just a small enough amount--
We don't require as much.
I promise I'll stop breaking
hearts as soon as they stop
Making hearts so fragile
they can fall apart
For falling out of love
Existence is meaningless
So, let's spend it together
All of life is a dream
And all my life
I've dreamed of you
Illusion, do illusion
Even something solid's
mostly spaces in between
Existence is meaningless
So, let's spend it together
Until we don't want to,
then we'll walk away
And we'll wonder why,
but there's no reason why
Until we don't want
to see each other no more
Until the sight of each
other is no longer good
All the love you've had is
all the love you'll ever have
Standing still
means walking away
Love you if I leave,
but I hate you if I stay
Existence is meaningless
So, let's spend it together
Until we don't want to,
then we'll walk away
And we'll wonder why,
but there's no reason why
Until we don't want to see
each other no more
Until the sight of each other
is no longer good
I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm
I promise I'll stop breaking
hearts as soon as they stop
Making hearts so fragile
they can fall apart
For falling out of love
Existence is meaningless
And you are meaningless
I am meaningless
This chorus is meaningless
Music is meaningless
I love you, it's meaningless
Meaning is meaningless
This moment is meaningless
Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Oh
Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh
[voice playing backwards]
[song playing backwards]