Yuet gwong bo hup (2010) Movie Script

Not a cloud in the sky
Where could my lover be?
One hundred flowers bloom just waiting to be
picked
Won't he stop a while and smell them?
The Purple Sword of Heaven?
That should be worth a few bucks!
Who goes there?
What is your name?
I can't tell you my real name
But I'm going to a place called America
And my new name will be The Green Hornet!
Don't you know the Purple Sword of Heaven
Belongs to Purple Cloud the immortal?
I'm just a thief, what's it to me?
For a thief, such ignorance
Can be a very dangerous thing!
Give it a rest pal!
If I was an educated man
I wouldn't need to be a thief then would l?
Well then, allow me to enlighten you.
The woman you just robbed
Is the immortal, Rose.
She is obsessed with the exploits of the
legendary Purple Cloud.
And is waiting for the day when her true love
comes along
And pulls the sword from its scabbard.
So that together they can live happily ever
after.
So she stole the Purple Sword of Heaven from
its place in front of the Celestial Lantern
And brought it to the world of mortals.
Just as Purple Cloud once did
She too is looking for someone who can
release the sword
Well who is it then?
It was me.
Now it's you!
Where did you go?
Come out!
You pig headed fool!
Finally, I have found him.
He is "The One"!!
The One, What if we get married tonight!
What are you doing?
What the hell?
My pants get loose when I'm nervous
You've pulled out the Purple Sword of Heaven!
I'm so excited
There's been a misunderstanding
It was that jackass who pulled the sword out
just now, Not me!
Where is he?
He's gone. He said he was going to America
You can still catch him if you leave now!
You're only kidding yourself.
My heart is in agony...agony
Since God has already blessed this marriage
Why don't we just accept it?
Right? Just accept it!
Be a good boy!
Miss
T o prove that I didn't release the sword
I'll try again right now just to show you!
One, two, three!
It doesn't count. Three for two
One, two, three...
This thing is broken
I know!
Perhaps you can't accept this blessing
Because you can't believe
That God could shine so kindly upon you
By having sent me to marry you
Actually, I didn't think it was you either. Not at
first.
But if we could have figured this out for
ourselves
We would have no use for God!
Well then, have you figured out that
I could use this sword to kill you now?
Ok!
Deng...Deng...Deng...Deng...
This is our wedding cake
We can have the ceremony tonight
Over my dead body!
I'll devote myself to you just like this baby pig
T ake your time. Enjoy it.
Come, quickly!
Quickly!
Enough!
Wait for me!
Don't follow me!
Stop running!
Stop!
It was my fault! I shouldn't have robbed you!
T ake some money and let me go please!!
Have you lost your mind? So many people who
could have robbed me. But it was you.
It was destined that we would be together.
Why the hell is this banana in a bamboo
forest?
Isn't it destiny for banana and bamboo to be
together?
Like you and me. At first glance, it appears not
to match
Come to think of it, we are just like this
"banaboo"
T alk to you later
Qing Yi Se the thief, we've been tracking you
for over a month
Come with us to the sheriff' s station!
Don't be afraid! I'll protect you!!
You protect me? I would rather give myself up!
This way!
Come on!
Good! Good...
Where'd they go?
No idea. Where did they go?
Right! They were just here
Can't have gone too far
Check the Water Cube!
Ok!
Qing Yi Se. Don't run so fast...
Why are you so happy?
Look
The road to marriage
I won't give it to you! Bite me?
Bull Demon King! Stop!
You thought I wouldn't recognize you with
plastic surgery?
I'd recognize your ashes
Plastic surgery...you think I had plastic
surgery?
I came up with a new look just for Purple
Cloud, you don't like it?
Give me back the box!
You lost. You have to drink! Stop running!
Kill him!
Got it!
Anybody else?
Me!
Wait for me!
Purple Cloud! Where are you?
Since you can't find Purple Cloud
Why don't you just let us use the "Moon Light
Box"
Yeah! I want to find the T ang Monk
I have something urgent to discuss with him
You call yourselves my friends?
For my true love
For my Purple Cloud
I travelled through time and space with this
"Moon Light Box"
I left my wife! Think that was easy for me?
You two promised to assist me
But now neither of you are being much help.
I...
Excuse me...
Is this the legendary "Moon Light Box"?
Not only moon light! With the latest upgrade
we also can use solar power
What about the Bhagavati Sutra?
Bhagavati?
Bhagavati...
Bhagavati...Don't say it!
Don't say it
Got out!
Wait for me!
This is the chaos of war. Where have l
travelled to?
Excuse me! Please tell me where we are?
We are at Chang Ban Slope
At war with Cao's army, General Zhao
What?
General!
General Zhao...
I'm giving Ah Dou to you
You got the wrong guy
Give yourself to me
Why are you giving me a baby?
General Zhao
Please take Ah Dou with you and bring him to
your lord, Liu Bei!
I told you I want you, not the baby!
General...
I heard before that Zhao Zi Long was a
scoundrel!
I would rather jump down a well than let you
take advantage of me!!
Don't! Don't jump
Don't jump!
I steal treasure. Not virtue!
I just want that piece of jade on your chest!
Ah...Crown prince master!
Death to you, Zhao Zi Long!
That's revolting...
I always knew you stank.
How are things going over there?
Missing an eye and still no mercy!
Sons of bitches!
Meet the human fire hose!
General Zhao Zi Long is back with Ah Dou!
Zi Long...
My lord! I got Ah Dou back!
My Lord? Or the Prime Minister?
Huh, what's your name?
I'm Cao!
That's right! Prime minister and Liu Bei were
enemies yesterday
I surrender to you today
And dedicate Ah Dou to you
So isn't yesterday's Prime Minister today's...
My lord!
Guess if I believe you or not.
I will give you one chance to tell the truth
Lie and I will have you killed!
I...I can tell you but you won't believe me
T ry me
Thanks my lord
One afternoon about five hundred years ago
I was just doing my job as usual, stealing
treasure not virtue
When I caught a woman
But I didn't do anything to her
A series of strange things happened, starting
with a purple heavenly sword.
A bastard pulled it out from the scabbard
somehow
But he kept on saying I did it
And then this woman called Rose totally
believed him
And she forced me to marry her
Of course I refused.
So I just ran and ran
And ran and ran
And ran and ran
Finally I defeated that Bull Demon King and
then
Wrong! I was that woman
Just like the woman of Bull Demon King
She gave me a moon cake box
And Boom! I showed up here
So I just brought Ah Dou by to have tea and
moon cakes with you
Do you believe me?
You dare play language games with me?
If Liu Bei's men can do it
My men can do it too
You!
Y es!
One afternoon about five hundred years ago
I was just doing my job as usual, stealing
treasure not virtue
When I caught a woman
But I didn't do anything to her
A series of strange things happened, starting
with a purple heavenly sword.
A bastard pulled it out from the scabbard
somehow
But he kept on saying I did it
And then this woman called Rose totally
believed him
And she forced me to marry her
Of course I refused.
So I just ran and ran
And ran and ran
And ran and ran
Finally I defeated that Bull Demon King
Wrong! I was that woman
Just like the woman of Bull Demon King
She gave me a moon cake box
And Boom! I showed up here
So I just brought Ah Dou by to have tea and
moon cakes with you
Do you believe me?
Encore! Encore...
Encore...
Bravo! Bravo!
I'm talking about you! I'm talking about you!
What? What?
Forget it... Forget it...
Are you some kind of parrot?
Hey! What are you doing?
What are you doing? From that sparkle in your
eye
I can confidently discern that you are an
assassin
Frisk him!
Y es!
Blinking is my occupational hazard. Bro!
What box? Bring it to me
Y es!
Bha...vati
Don't say it! Prime minister!
That's just for decoration.
It's actually for plucking nose hairs
It's not that easy to fool Cao!
No, it's not...
You're saying this is Ah Dou?
I just don't believe it
It might be a bug!
Maybe even a recorder
You're saying it's a pair of tweezers
I think it's for clipping toe nails
Now I'm going to let you and this thing called
Ah Dou
Go home
Prime Minister, you're going to let them go just
like that?
It's called hiding an iron hand inside of a velvet
glove.
Give him 3 bags of milk powder, you know
which brand, right?
Understood
Yes!
I want my nail clippers back!
I want my nail clippers back...
As far as I know
Dong Wu and Liu Bei have already formed an
alliance
T oday, Zhou Yu and Zhu Ge...
Are going to sing together tonight
Left, right...Ieft, right
Wow this vodka is so pure!!
Mr. Zhu Ge, this is Oolong tea!
I mean this Oolong is
As pure as Vodka
Beyond all expectations
Mr. Zhu Ge
Because of my heart disease and
hypertension!
I take tea instead of vodka
ok
Mr. Zhou, war or peace, you have to decide as
soon as possible
Cao's army is heading south
Mr. Lu Su
We made a deal
We wouldn't talk about war today. Just try to
have some fun
I've heard that Mr. Zhu Ge is a master of
various disciplines
He is well versed in music, chess, calligraphy,
painting...everything
May I ask you to write something for my lady?
Just a little bit!
I just know a little bit about everything
T o be honest my reputation is something of an
exaggeration
Ok, I'll try my best!
Mr. Zhou!
Oh!! Beau?
Wrong
It's "beautiful"
This is what I can spell so far
Like I said I know a little bit about everything,
people always think I'm just modest
Actually I really only know a little
You are very charming
And your calligraphy is moist, not dry
Clear but not chilly. Plump but not heavy.
Refreshing to spirit and stimulating to mind!
I'm so flattered
May I ask if you know music?
A little bit!!
If Zhou Yu and Zhu Ge could play music
together just one time
That song would be sung for an eternity
And result in a very popular karaoke selection
From his music
I sensed that he had read my mind
From his music I sensed that
He has read that I read his mind
From their music
I sensed that we'd be going home soon!!
From their music
I sensed that they would be wanting sweet and
sour pork for dinner
General Zhao is back with Ah Dou!
General Zhao is back!
Please sign it, General Zhao
ok...
Alright no problem...
Be careful
One by one, no problem
Lady, you're stepping on my foot!!
Next...no hurry...
Ok...
Be careful...
Be careful
General, general!
I'll sign for you of course
Sign these too
Brother! Need some signatures for your
girlfriend?
Girlfriend?
These are for the money you still owe! You
need to sign these for the bank!
Hurry up!!
I'll deal with you later ok?
Hey Hey!
You...
What are you looking at? Heeheehee...
Your bone structure is exquisite. It's one in a
million.
I'll give you a discount
This is what I have, which one do you like?
What kind of book?
Why would I read this kind of book?
Personally I prefer the Spring and Autumn
Annals
Spring and Autumn Annals my ass!
You took my porn books. Don't take airs with
me!!
Hey...Yee...
Yee... Yee...what?
Why do you just always yee yee when you see
me?
I thought you forgot about me!
How can I forget?
Are they fresh water pearls or ocean?
Zi Long
Big brother is waiting for you!
Is that him?
I'm very kind. No need to be afraid!
My lord! General Zhao is back!
General Zhao is back!
My lord!
My lord!
Zi Long, you've been through a lot!
My lord!
I risked my cherished life
Handsome face and sexy voice
And successfully protected the young lord's
life
I don't expect a great award even though I did
a great job
Several thousand taels of silver should be fine
No price is too high for this accomplishment.
Missus!
Yes!
Help yourself
Ah!Ah!Ah!
What the hell?
Now what?
This is my husband's latest invention, straw
swim fins
Specially made for fighting against Cao's army
across the river. We shall be victorious!!
Wow. Even poor people like you enlisted?
How dare you!
Scary!
What you just said definitely weakened my
soldiers' morale
Missus...
Zi Long is just being honest.
Zi Long, I have a good idea
Let's cooperate with foreign kingdoms
Once we have conquered these lands l
propose a low-risk revenue sharing model
We can attacking Cao both from front and
back
And afterwards we can split the spoils
30/70
But we have to a learn foreign language to
communicate with them
There is no better communication than music
Music is the international language
My lord,
The good-will ambassador from T urkestan is
waiting, my lord!!
Please!!
should old acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should old acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne
for auld lang syne,
my dear, for auld lang syne
we'll take a cup of kindness yet
for auld lang syne
su-la-la la su-la-la la su-la-la la ah-ah-o-o
Billie Jean come on su la la la
We two have paddled in the stream
From morning sun till dine
But seas between us broad have roared
Since auld lang syne
for auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne
we'll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang
syne
My brother! I think the ambassador likes you
In that case, I'll assign you to protect her.
No, it's not necessary. I just...
Do me a favor, come on!
You little bugger! Hiding here with your porn.
No wonder you're always blushing
Good night, ambassador!
Hmm! The Moon Light box
Can't you just take me somewhere peaceful to
enjoy a happy life together?
Making me a watch dog, protect the
ambassador
My ass!!
I'd better go to Cao's to get the box back!
Here are the keys! General
We figured you would deal with Cao
Oh ya?
Since we both have similar interests
Why don't we go back to have a drink before
killing Cao
Ok
My treat
A bunch of dumbasses. Want to get me
drunk?
I'm still standing while they're down for the
count.
Gen...
What's it to you! Do we know each other?
You guys all pretending to be a tree?
Next time I'll pretend to be a pile of shit!
What'll you do then?
Shit isn't difficult.
Peeing. Now that's hard.
Lazing about are we?
General!
Ah? What's your name?
I'm Osim!
What are you doing?
Ancient Thai massage!
This is all the rage down south
Changing tempo with the screaming of the
customer
The louder you are, the faster it goes!
What time is it?
Aren't you going for a midnight snack? Where
are your priorities!!
I know you can't accept me right now
I don't mind
Love is like a durian
The first bite
It's hard
But with time and you'll learn to love it
In order to help you accept me little by little
Instead of being scared of my appearance
I disguised myself as the ambassador
God! It's so stuffy in this thing!
Ah...?
That's more like it.
Ambassador!!
You idiot.
I am a human! Don't crank me like an engine!
Till you accept me
Ambassador...
Ambassador...Ambassador...
Who?
Who?
Are you alright?
I'm fine!
It's impossible. I saw your head...
What about my head?
I saw it...split
That was my sister's head!!
When did your sister arrive?
What, what did I say
I don't have a sister, where's the head?
General!
You scared me! Sesame soup is ready!
Good timing. Have some soup ok?
Ambassador... You look different?
Women always look different without makeup
Have some soup!
You don't like it?
People from T urkestan prefer to drink it cold!!
But I waited for it to cool off already
Let's eat it then!
You...
It's normal!!
Every night after 1 2 o'clock, we have to rest
our hands
So we can't use them to eat
Why didn't you tell me?
My lord asked me to serve you, I can't very well
disappoint him
Come on. Open up!
Sister
Don't start it if you can't finish. Such a waste!
You can drink some if she doesn't!
Why don't you drink it?
Maybe not!
Go, go, go...
What happened to your sister? She's so floppy
The earth is under attack...
Ah! She looks so familiar
It doesn't make sense!
He's starting to get used to my look
Hey! Security here is so tight, there must be
some gap we can sneak through
General, we don't have any gaps here!!
I see. Bit of an awkward question is it?
How about this, can you tell me if,
hypothetically speaking
There was a gap, where it might be?
This is so well concealed. Nobody would ever
find it!
Stab
Stick
Prick, prod!
Stab, stick, prick, prod!
You there! What is the difference between
Stab, stick, prick, and prod?
Nothing!
Basically, it's just four kinds of poking.
There he goes blowing things up again!
Prod!
You dare blow up my gate?
Jen...
I kill you...
Jen...
You dare blow up my gate...
Such a beauty
No wonder General Gan would want to die in
her arms!
I'm sure she is the kind of women to steal your
money and your heart all in one fell swoop
Not you too?...
T ruth be told, in the very heart of every man
There is a bitch...
Bitch! Where's my rent!
Landlady, how did you get here?
None of your business
You don't have money to pay the rent. But you
can afford to train an army for war?
Is Liu Bei really so powerful? Is Sun Quan
really so fierce?
If you don't pay up in two days
I'll tear this place down and build a shopping
mall!
Got it?
A little bit!
Are you screwing with me?
I couldn't be more clear
And you tell me you understand a little bit
I understand...completely!!
A little bit is just my pet phrase
Could you put your sword away, lady?
No way!
Land lady
We are about to start the battle against Cao
Rent won't be a problem if we win the war
But the problem is
Can't you just wait a few days?
Losers!
I wouldn't hire you to plaster a wall, and you
want to fight Cao?
Ever heard the term economic meltdown?
How about subprime crisis?
Even I'm fighting to survive in this climate, how
can you possibly win?
Fine!
I'll give you 1 0 percent off
Fine!
Brothers, my landlord mocks us
She says we're going to fail
Let's prove to her
That she's wrong about our stock!
That's right!
Death to Cao! Get money to pay the rent!
Death to Cao! Get money to pay the rent!
Death to Cao! Get money to pay the rent!
Honey. It seems these people really don't have
money
If you don't let them do some pillaging
We probably won't see a penny!
How do you know?
I just spoke to Mrs. Zhou, Xiao Qiao
She really has nothing!
Were you checking her out?
I peeped on her in the bath. I'm telling you,
she's got nothing!
You want to beat me?
T ricked me into jumping into this shithole,
damn you!
Wow General Xia
The Prime Minister is brilliant
Wu's army thought we marched the long way
around
And would assembly all our forces for a
decisive victory on the east bank
So stupid. Prepare the surprise attack.
Stop!
This kid is so ugly
This is not right, they are not scared by us
Maybe it's a trap!
He mentioned my mom. Kill them!
General Xia!
General Xia! There might be an ambush
ahead!
I don't believe it! I hate people making jokes
about my mother!
Protect General Xia...hurry, hurry up!!
Feeling anything?
Don't be so preoccupied with appearances!
Actually my heart is a thing to be valued as
well!
I should say
I am the one in a million who is faithful in love
I'm not afraid of you!
Great!
Get ready for the reflection!!
Kill!
Kill!
All the horses have closed their eyes!
Quick! Sunglasses!
Calm down, brothers!
We've been through so many battles.
There's nothing they can throw at us that we
haven't seen before!
Come...
Awesome
Where did they find them? More than
awesome
It's awe-inspiring!
Is it?
After all this
You know I am a person who has the courage
to love and hate
I think it's the time to reveal my true face!
Qing Yi Se...
Fire!
Yes!
Ambush!
Where? Withdraw! Withdraw!
Withdraw!
Withdraw! Retreat!
Withdraw! Retreat!
Retreat!
I don't believe I can't get rid of you...
You dare to stop me? Little prick...
I'm not stopping you...Ya...
I'll cut you to pieces!!
Don't be afraid. I'm here
Come on. Wake up
I'll carry you back if you don't wake up!
You want me to carry you?
What does this mean?
Did they...
Add Rice beside my Cao?
And put English on it?
T onight I will steal one of his flags
And I'll...
Add some fries to his Liu.
I should be punished!
Let's engage them on the river since we failed
over land!
Please think twice Prime Minister
Even though we have an army of eight
hundred thousand. We are not used to fighting
on water
Prime minister
The ships keep swaying back and forth
Our soldiers are getting dizzy
and nauseous
So we...
I just don't believe
How is that only southerners can handle water
We northerners have been riding on
horseback all day
Swinging around all the time too
Why don't we feel dizzy?
It's simple
When we're riding
We swing back and forth
Starting tomorrow,
We ride side to side.
Swinging left to right. Like a willow tree.
We'll get used to it!
Fighting on water
Will be a piece of cake!
Right!
Why didn't we think of that?
Right! The Prime minister is wise!!!
Prime minister, allow me to train our eight
hundred thousand soldiers
in your willow swinging technique.
I'll wipe out Wu to atone for my earlier
failures...heehee
Kneel down!
I should be punished!
Don't get angry, Prime minister!
War cannot be won through a single tactic
Better for us to fight this battle on two legs!
I've hired a top assassin
T o murder Liu Bei!
I know!
It must be Jin Ke
Wrong!
It's the legendary king of killers
The Fire Cloud Evil God!!
Prime minister
Are you sure this old guy can do it?
Strength can always be overcome...
Only speed is eternally victorious
I shot my hand, I didn't even blink!
Isn't that great?
Look! Now I'm going to shoot myself in the
head
What did I tell you? All in the reflexes
I just lower my head, and he takes the bullet!!
Everyone calm down!!
It's not a big deal to get hurt in Kungfu world.
It's just a few stitches.
Don't you have the miracle doctor Hua T uo?
Please have him tend to my wounds!!
You just shot him!
How can it be you? I must be dreaming?
It's not a dream. It is me!!
Ok! I'll change back.
There, how's that? Better?
You are so shallow
Isn't it still me inside?
Great!
Why do you like me this way? You don't like it?
You're an immortalist?
Or you don't have the guts to love me?
Who doesn't have guts?
It just so happens that in this world, I reserve
my love for strawberries, apples and oranges
That's all?
Why didn't you tell me?
I'll get them for you!
I'm an immortal. I can be anything you want!
Can you be a Moon Light box?
Yes! But I won't be the real one.
A fake one doesn't work.
If you really want it...
I am an immortal after all.
I'll just go to Cao's to get it.
Great idea!
What is great? Aren't you afraid of me?
Who said that? How come?
Didn't you scream every time you see me?
Men scream because when they see the
woman of their dreams
They can't control their happiness!!
Really?
Happy...
Ya...ah...yeah...yes...
Are you very happy?
Happy!
Please let me down!
It's so soon you're done being happy?
Of course not! But I miss you so much!
Do you love me then?
Come on! I love you so much...
I deserve it!
I love you!
You love me for what?
I wouldn't love you if you were the last person
on earth.
You still owe me for your gambling debt.
You still can't repay me?
And yet you come here with murder in your
eye?
What the hell do you want?
I was sent here to kill Liu Bei and Sun Quan
They are my tenants
And still owe me several months rent
If you kill them, my wife will take another
month's loss
She won't let you go!
If you say so. I guess I'll have to kill you both
I'll get to keep the money I owe you and make
a little extra on the side
Good can't coexist with evil. It has always
been thus.
And if I refused to go to hell, who would take
my place?
Enough with the cliches
Stop talking!
Come on! I haven't got all day!
A big fight always begins with a prologue.
Six Fingered String Demon?
The Lion Roar doesn't scare me
Why would I fear your shitty strings?
How about Buddha Fist?
Right!
Bring on the one in a million
You?
Where's your old man?
My dad has gone to the United States. He sent
me to handle you!
As the saying goes, one generation replaces
the other
CJ Seven is better the Six
Daddy...
Have you lost your mind? How could you beat
up a little kid...
Call your dad then!!
Not necessary! I got friends!
Hubby
Do you remember the time you got clobbered
by a fist falling from the sky?
You mean the lost Buddha Fist?
Why are you fighting us, not The Fire Cloud
Evil God?
You want to be killed? You...
Animals are stupid. I told you so!
It's a perfect day for a war. The breeze is
marvelous!
Keeps the men from getting sweaty
Rose. Be careful.
If you get sick, I'll die of a broken heart.
How about I knit a scarf for you tonight!
Promise me you will take care of yourself!
Rose, you've been so good to me, let me carry
you
Look, the grass is so sharp
I'll kill them if your feet get hurt!
Come!
Qing Yi Se my dear, do you know...
What a woman wants most?
T o marry a rich guy and get dozens of houses
under her name
T o go shopping around carrying a Louis
Vuitton
Drinking swallows nests and munching
abalone!
For a woman, no matter how successful she is
out there in the world...
The most important thing is to come back
home, a real home!!
Right! Well said! I like you just the way you are
And I am a family man myself
I always say
I'll steal all the treasure and jewelry for my wife
And take all the toys for my son...
I adore you, Qing Yi Se!
After you.
I'll get the fruit! Ok!
Rose
Come back soon
I can't go to long without seeing you, you know
that?
Em!
Hubby, you're back?
Hubby?
Do I know you?
I'm your wife
You've got the wrong person, don't you?
You are the princess of Dong Wu and I'm the
general of Han Royalty
We have nothing to do with each other
How come I didn't know I have a family here?
Of course you didn't know
You are always out there fighting your wars
And taking care of the ambassador
When did you ever get time to take care of this
family?
Dad, Dad...
Dad?
Hey! I know a setup when I see one! The black
one's mine too?
This is Sean!
He is the son of me and my former ex
No, my present ex husband John!
Wasn't your former ex husband General
Zhang Fei? Your present ex isn't General
Zhang.
His name is John!
No...oh...yes, it's right!
You made a mistake.
Here's the thing, Zi Long...
Sean is black
I'm brown
Perhaps you could believe he's a descendent
of Judge Bao
But you cannot doubt me
Or Obama!!
Good thing none of your kids are red,
Otherwise those reporters would make up all
kinds of crap.
My lord. What are you guys doing here?
Oh! We were here for the T urkestan
ambassador
T o discuss the battle of Red Cliff
Who knew the two of them...
Were crying like babies for you
When it comes to affairs of the heart I'm a bit
of a numbskull.
So I called the military counselor
I just know a little bit!
I once helped a cow to woo a horse
Who was having an affair with a donkey
Counselor, I have no idea what you are talking
about!
Simply speaking
She knows you have a wife and kids
She doesn't want to break you up
She only wants you to have a real home
She said she had never flown a kite before
She always dreamed of having fun like mortals
She'll leave after she's done with this
If you think suicide can solve your problems,
I'll jump with you
A home needs someone you love in it
Otherwise it is just a prison
My mom always told me
You're a loser. Don't cause trouble for others.
That's why I have no family, no friends, no
lover
It's because I don't want to cause trouble
I'm even afraid to say I like you!
But today it finally occurred to me
My mom was concerned about me getting
people in trouble
Because she didn't know I would fall in love
with someone who wasn't human
An immortal!
So you jump, I jump!
Ok, ok...
After we get the box back!
We'll escape far far away, OK?
It's a deal... still with the hitting?
Didn't you say...
You could "shoo" and get on the ship as an
immortal?
Can we steal the box that easily?
Didn't I tell you immortals shouldn't hit people
without a good reason?
Never mind the fact that we're here to break
the law
I can't use my magic for stealing
Then why did you bother coming?
Shh...
Princess Sun is back!
Princess is back!
Princess! Princess...
Please!
Shang Xiang?
How did you get so dirty?
I'm pretending to be one of Cao's soldiers
I changed my name to fat pig and snuck into
Cao's compound to watch football
And then I saw his army of eight hundred
thousand soldiers
Swaying side to side as they performed their
drills
They can sway side to side?
And that's not all
I also copied down a bunch of military secrets
Damn! I just can't I swing the way you do!
How come it looks so good when you do it?
Our main force is attacking this way.
This way!!
Y eah right
Prime minister!
T oday's report:
No vomiting recorded!
Ah... a woman.
No wonder
Get off...
Congratulations! Prime minister!
After strict training, Our eight hundred
thousand soldiers
Has mastered the willow swinging technique
And are fully prepared to fight on water
It's just a matter of time before we wipe out the
south bank!
No! No! No! No! No!
You think you can just by swaying side to
side?
You are so naive!
Prime Minister your prescience is humbling!!
Willow swinging won't work if it's too windy
We have to connect all the ships by wooden
boards
In what I call a Warships Connected by
Wooden Boards Formation
We must win!
Air raid?
Look out! Air raid! Run! Air raid!
Woman!
We'll protect you!
Fire!
Again?
My new uniform!
We must split up
I'll go there and you stay here!
Split up?
Isn't that dangerous
You know it's dangerous too?
You can't fight and can't use magic. You're
just like a regular mortal
Stay here and watch my back
Watch that way.
Here come the white doves.
Aim! Fire!
Spy!
Calm down, calm down
You are feeling very dirty...go take a
shower...shower
I thought you said no magic?
This isn't magic. It's hypnosis
You are getting sleepy...sleepy...
Fall asleep...fall asleep...sleep
You wife is looking for you, go home
You've talked an awful lot. Thirsty?
I'll get you some fresh juice
We are under attack!
Enemy boats are coming.
Archers ready...
We are under attack! We are under attack!
Fire!
Fire, fire!
Fire!
Fire!
Fire!
Fire!
This way! Fire!
Cao is suspicious. We don't know which ship
he's on?
Look
He must be going to Cao
Get dressed
Sneak in as a Cao soldier!
Love you!
Yeah!
Got the arrows! We got the arrows...
General, we've stolen the arrows as you
requested!
Got the arrows!
Great! It's time to fight back!
General! We are against the wind!
And it's too far for the archers!
It's not a big deal! If we want favorable wind
conditions
Just borrow some east wind from the sky
He can borrow the wind?
A little bit, A little bit
This just in. Our troops are being overpowered
by Cao's army.
Can you borrow the east wind to turn the
situation?
Y es! I'm looking to extend my line of credit.
Deal!
Great! Ceremony is done!
Have some fruit, guys
Mr. Zhou
What's wrong?
Listen, don't take offence?
Not at all. Please
I just realized you borrow and steal everything
Now, you're borrowing the wind. Right after
you stole those arrows just now
And they say you talked your lord into
borrowing Jing T own!
Hee...Hey! Where have you been? Fooling
around?
What fooling around? I was just playing cards!
Are you mocking me?
Have a banana!
You dare mock me? Damn you!
Don't be afraid. It's all a show.
I'll keep the Prime Minister informed
Come with me! Yes!
Who?
You!
Come with me!
Go!
Why are you being so sneaky?
I want to see you my lord
I've been missing you since our last farewell
And then I heard you were interested in this
girl
So I risked my life to bring her to you
She is Xiao Qiao!!
It's her?
It's not good for you to shake your head like
that
Great!
T ake him out and give him a big reward!
You understand?
Yes!!
Go
Thanks a lot prime minister
Are you Xiao Qiao?
Yes I am.
Are you the real Xiao Qiao?
Look carefully, I'm Xiao Qiao
Do what I say... do what I say...
You are Xiao Qiao. Of course I'll do everything
you say
Give me the box...Give me the box...
What kind of fool do you take me for?
You think I don't know anything about
hypnosis?
I knew what you were up to
What?
I stole it from The Fire Cloud Evil God
Oh...no!!
General! The east wind is up!
Everyone, fire!...
Keep eating bananas!
Eat banana...Eat banana
Aim!
Fire!
Help...
We are under attack!
Help...
Qing Yi Se...
I'd never thought...
A charming leader like myself, would ever fail
here at red cliff!
Under these circumstances, I will never cry for
help
If someone were to hear me, it would be a fate
worse than death
Wooh...wah...!
Fire! Fire...
Get some water!
Qing Yi Se!
Qing Yi Se!
Rose!
Rose!
Qing Yi Se...
Rose!
Qing Yi Se...
Rose!
Rose!
Jack!
Rose!
Jack!
Rose!
Jack!
Rose!
Jack!
Rose! Rose!
I found the box
Fantastic!
Help me get these off
Where's the key?
They left the key here, after they locked me up
But I dropped it in the toilet by mistake
Why the hell would I have the key?
Don't yell at me!!
Ready
Be careful, please!
You...you...
yes...
I have the box, I can turn back time
Bhagavati... bhagavati
Jack!
Jack! Jack...
Jack!
How did this happen?
How?
The lock is behind me. But you swing your axe
in front every time!
You tell me! How did this happen?
Ok. Let's do it again
Bhagavati... bhagavati
Jack...
Let's try this, every time you aim for the lock,
you hit me
So why don't you aim at me this time? You
might hit the lock!
Makes sense
Ready?
One, two...
Wow! It worked!!
Come on!
Let's get out of here
T o find a quiet place
T o build a home of our own
Our lives will be perfect
You jump, I jump!
Close your eyes, you do the spell.
And we jump together
Bhagavati... bhagavati
Rid of you! Finally!!
Kong...Kong...Kong...
Zi Yi!
I love what you've done with your hair
I'd like you no matter how you looked!
Princess lron Fan is coming!
Bitch! Have you gone mad?
You jerk! You thought you could lose me just
by using the box?
No way!!
See how I punish you dirty people!!
It's a mistake, Ma'am
Actually I'm a man!
Zhang Zi Yi
Is a drag queen
Somebody set me up! Help me...
Bitch! Beat me if you like.
He is innocent!
You are still helping this tramp even though
you're dying?
How dare you!!
Watch my banana!
You've got serious balls!
Help!...help!!
You tranny witch. Have an affair with my
husband, will you?
Help... Don't hurt him
Zi Yi!
I will never give you up!
I couldn't agree with you more at this time
Hurry! Hurry! Ok...
Wait here! You little brat!
I'm not afraid of you! How dare you beat your
own husband?
Shazam!!
Don't fall off!
Zi Yi, you don't want to leave me, do you?
No! We're too high up. I can't get off.
Don't leave me alone!
I will turn this place into a volcano for the two
of you to burn in!!
Get away!
Get away...get away...
Purple Cloud?
Get away... get away...
Don't be afraid, hold me tight
Aren't you the sometimes green sometimes
purple
Sometimes sometime sorta peach colored
cloud?
Wrong! My real name is Kansas Sharapova
AKA Twilight Sunset
Though online I go by Purple Guacamole
Anything simpler?
Athena Chu
Oh...shit!
Qing Yi Se
Listen to me... I didn't kick you on purpose...
I'm off
Why did you...
Why did I save you?
I was in the neighborhood, I saw you were in
danger
So I came to help!
Don't be afraid! I won't cling to you
Hmmm, I didn't mean... I know... I know
But I pulled out the sword
You mean this one?
Someone else I met recently pulled the sword
out too.
I'm going to have dinner with him
If you get time, we could go together!
Forget it!
I got lots of things to do. I can't...
Forget it! Forget it!
Whenever you are free
See you next time
Bye... see you
Bye...
See you next time
Bye...bye...bye
Bye...
Bye!
Got a problem?
You asked for it!
Stop! Grapse!
What do you want?
You dirty old men are really enjoying the show
How come it's fine to talk to you? But I get a
stutter talking to her?
It's never happened before
It's simple
One word...fear!
How do you spell it?
Let me tell you, we both used to be thieves
Y eah What's the one thing we never
stole?
Only a woman's heart
Because we can't give it back
Why not?
How can we give it back if it's broken?
Feel the fear?
See? You see? T ears!
So falls a man's last line of defense
Tighten up your underwear
Seems he's not wearing any
Really?
Ha ha... aren't you happy?
So happy! Let me down please...
Feeling something?
Qing Yi Se!
Qing Yi Se!
The warrior is fighting with the lady on the
ramparts again
Why are they just standing there?
Don't know. It's been a while.
They know each other right?
Not sure.
Shame on him
Always clinging, none of the girls like him.
Yeah right! I'd kick him off if I was her.
What? You want to marry me?
I've explained to you time and time again
I was the one who pulled the sword out the
other day
I'm "The One" of you
So let's pick a good date for wedding
And I've told you a thousand times
The sword is broken
Well, then let me take it back to the factory for
repairs
And I'll pull it out again after it's fixed
Actually...it's not about the sword
It's me. I don't believe in destiny anymore
Just because you see the pork shop everyday
in the market
Does that mean your destiny is to be with
pork?
Or just that the pork shop
Is the first one on the corner
Understand?
Piggy! Don't go!
Every time I go to the market, you're the first
one I see
Isn't that destiny? Isn't that arranged by God?
Get lost!!
Don't do this to me...
Don't do this to me
Give me a chance! Please!
I don't know you
Yeah! I know you are pretending
You're ignoring my existence...
Rose, do you have
Any extra Purple Green Heavenly Swords back
at your home?
I'll...
show you later!
Enough!!
Stop annoying me!!
I don't want the sword anymore!!
There are things you can't simply throw away
and be done with them.
Can you throw away your memories?
Could you throw away your feelings?
You are sick!
Yes! I am sick! Incurably sick!
Love is the most serious incurable disease!
I am hopeless
I fell in love with
A woman I thought I wouldn't love
It's too late
T o say anything!!
Huh? I but didn't say anything yet!
Well, since you didn't say anything before!!
Yes!! It was my fault!!
I should've said what I said today long time
ago
Oh, wait, I'm bit confused...
Are you talking to him or me?
I don't wanna talk anymore. Please leave me
alone
Eh, it was my fault... I'm just confused
Your dialogue doesn't make any sense?
Don't cry
Say what's in your heart.
I'll accept you
I was too selfish
About everything
Only thinking about myself, I thought that was
the way things were done
But the moment you left
I realized that being together was the most
important
It's only true happiness when we treasure the
moment together
I look at you here today, and know I can't give
you up
I don't want to live in regret for the rest of my
life
I have an incurable disease and you have it too
Come on! Let's infect each other
Great! I don't want to live in regret
Let's do it
Who could resist kissing a face like that?
Now you understand how much I love you
T oday
I come to return this heart to you
I just put a mark on your tongue
You are my mistress of the fort
If anyone tries to harm you, just tell them you
are with me
Where'd everybody go?
Rose's idea worked
She tricked her man into professing his love
I wish them eternal happiness
Otherwise we will be end up playing the
villains again
It's true. Anything bad happens. We end up
being the bad guys.
Shame on you, you old fool...
Where'd they go?
Feels good doesn't it?!
The One! Every woman on Earth is under your
spell...
We fight to the death
Attack!!
Stop!!
Sorry, I meant the rain, not you!
Devil! How dare you make a fool of me!
Die!
Stop!
Bastard!
You think this hand is an easy target...
Didn't you say The One is dangerous?
That's what I heard!
We could have gone easier on him.
I said I was going to throw. I didn't tell you guys
to do it...
Ask before you attack next time, ok?
Ya...