Ziegfeld Follies (1945) Movie Script
Saturday, September 25th:
Another heavenly day.
Yes.
It's always a heavenly day.
Every day is perfect.
Nothing but happiness.
Yes, happiness,
happiness, happiness.
I have everything that any man
or angel could desire.
Beautiful memories of the past.
Pictures, toys...
Toys.
Children play
with the dreams of tomorrow...
...and old men play
with the memories of yesterday.
Broadway.
Broadway I can see it again.
The Broadway of 1907.
The Broadway
that was waiting for me.
An innocent world
believing in a golden future.
Full of peace and laughter
and beautiful girls.
And here's the theater
where my first Follies opened.
As I look at that theater now,
it's all mine forever.
No taxes, no bills,
and no competitors.
There they are. My first public.
The high and mighty,
and the hoi polloi.
And here, they're all mine.
Eternal toys that never grow older.
Look at Mrs. Astor in her beautiful
carriage with her famous horse.
Much more famous
that night than Ziegfeld.
And didn't the horse know it.
And Diamond Jim Brady
with no horse...
... but what a filly inside the car.
There they are, an old New York
first-night audience...
... the judge and the jury.
"What have you got, Mr. Ziegfeld?
Show us your magic, if you dare.
Make us dream, if you can.
What have you got, Mr. Ziegfeld?"
Anna Held Hourglass Girls.
Thank you, Mrs. Astor.
I can pretend all my great stars
never grew older...
... are still dancing and singing
as they did years ago.
Marilyn Miller.
Fanny Brice.
Look at me, oh, look at me
Ho, I'm an Indian
Aha, I'm an Indian
Will Rogers.
Well...
What will I talk about?
I ain't got anything funny to say.
- All I know is what I read in the paper.
- Eddie Cantor.
If you knew Susie
Like I know Susie
Oh, oh, oh, what a girl
There's none so classy
As this fair lassie
Oh, oh, holy Moses
What a chassis
We went riding
She didn't balk
Back from Yonkers
I'm the one who had to walk
If you knew Susie
Like I know Susie
Oh, oh, what a girl
I can hear the applause as if
it hadn't disappeared into the past.
The New York night
still burns for me...
... with the names
I have branded into its sky.
Great shows that were part
of the dreams of America.
How many millions of people today
remember their courtships...
... their honeymoons,
their anniversaries...
... their happiest moments
in terms of a Ziegfeld show?
The world would never forget
the Ziegfeld Follies.
Those were the good old days.
And yet, I wonder.
Are those days really over?
Just because I moved up here
did the Follies have to die too?
Couldn't there be a new Follies?
No, no, I suppose not.
After all, how could there be
a Ziegfeld Follies without Ziegfeld?
What I would give to be able
to put on one more Follies.
Yes.
So many personalities
down there to choose from.
Great personalities from my day,
and great ones that have come up since.
How would I open?
Let's see.
I'd like a crayon and paper.
Thank you.
I think I'd open with a pink number.
Yes, a beautiful pink number...
...with a beautiful
pink and white, blue-eyed girl.
Yes. And maybe to introduce
the whole thing...
Well, who would be better
than my old friend Fred Astaire?
A great star, Freddie.
I'd be taking no chances with him.
And I know Freddie would say
something very nice about me.
What can I say about Ziegfeld?
Well, I can only tell you
that as long as there's a dance...
...a song, a musical show
and it's good...
...somewhere around or in it
is Ziegfeld.
He never cared so much
about villains, plots, stories.
The Follies never had a story.
The Ziegfeld Follies was itself
a story of an era.
If it was gay, bright, beautiful...
...that's how Ziggy wanted it.
And, oh, I almost forgot:
The girls.
Ziggy was a specialist
at glorifying girls.
That's one of the most important
things about the Follies, you know.
So...
Here's to the beautiful ladies
Here's to those wonderful girls
Adeles and Mollys
Lucilles and Pollys
You'll find them all
In the Ziegfeld Follies
Here's to the silks and the satins
Here's to the diamonds and pearls
This is the mixture
To start the picture
So bring on the beautiful girls
Here's to the silks and the satins
Here's to the diamonds and pearls
A sweet endeavor
A joy forever
So bring on the beautiful girls
Here's to the beautiful ladies
Here's to those wonderful girls
Adeles and Mollys
Lucilles and Pollys
You'll find them all
In the Ziegfeld Follies
Here's to the silks and the satins
Here's to the diamonds and pearls
A joy forever
A sweet endeavor
To bring on the beautiful girls
This is the mixture
To start the picture
So bring on the beautiful girls
All this yap-yap-yap
About glorifying dames
Leaves me like a cold potato
I'd much rather be
With a handsome he
Like Van Johnson
Who's a real tomato
For a date with Fred MacMurray
You can bet your life I'd hurry
And a guy like Mischa Auer
Has me completely in his power
In fact most any man I've seen
Is the only man for me
Bring on those wonderful men
Bring me an elegant guy
A soldier or sailor
A Gable or Taylor
A short or a tall one
I just wanna call one
My own, private wonderful he
Bring what you can to me
Bring me a guy to pin up
Bring me a prince on a horse
A dark or a light one
I just want to sight one
Who'll call me his missis
And give with the kisses
I'm afraid I've a terrible yen
For those wonderful M-E-N
Amor, Amor
There must be someone for me
But what's he waiting for?
No hope, no soap
If he don't appear
I fear I'm at the end of my rope
Oh, bring on a male who ain't frail
Bring on a man from a cave
Someone to relax with
And pay income tax with
And though he's from hunger
I'm not getting younger
And I'd like to get on with my plan
To glorify the American man
I know the men are few
But what's a gal to do?
I'll get a man before I'm through
Hey, you in the third row:
Bring on those wonderful men
Could you tell me
where the telephone is, please?
Oh, thank you.
Say, could you tell?
- Number, please.
- Oh, operator...
...I would like Plaza 5-5597, please.
- Plaza 5-5597? One moment, please.
- That's right.
Thank you.
- Hello.
- Oh, hello. Louis?
What number you want?
Plaza 5-5597.
Well, this is Morningside 3-3333.
- Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
- Drop dead, will you?
Yeah. I'll do that.
- Operator.
- Number, please.
Operator, you got me
the wrong number.
I wanted Plaza 5-5597,
and you got me...
One moment, please.
I'll get you the Complaint Department.
You don't have to get me
the Complaint...
- Hello, Complaint Department?
- Complaint Department.
- Hello, Beth, how are you?
- No, look, you...
- Boy, have I got a head.
- Went to the Strand last night...
... and saw cute Van Johnson
in 30 Seconds Over Japan.
Did you like that picture?
I liked it.
When the airplanes went over...
A fellow had one leg.
Handsome, brave...
Van Johnson is just divine.
Operator!
Number, please.
Operator,
believe me when I tell you...
...you don't have to get me
the Complaint Department.
I can spare that extra nickel.
I just want Plaza 5-5597.
- Plaza 5-5597?
- Yes, that's right.
- One moment, please.
- Thank you.
Oh, hello. Louis?
When you hear the tone
the time will be...
... exactly 33 and a third seconds
past 10.
- Operator.
- Number, please.
Operator, all I want is Plaza 5-5597.
Now,
that's Louis Sebastian's cigar store.
It's right around the corner.
I could walk there.
I don't want the world
with a fence around it.
All I want is Plaza 5-5597.
Plaza 5-5597?
One moment, please.
Thank you.
Hello, Louis?
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy Birthday, dear
Mr. Bushy Mendel Horgenforth III
No knife can cut our love in two
Good evening, friends
- Pardon me, sir.
- Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
- Hi, operator?
- Number, please.
Say, operator, I'd like to talk
to Colonel Culpepper...
...at the Magnolia Manor Plantation
in Chattanooga, Tennessee.
Chattanooga, Tennessee.
Hello, Colonel Culpepper?
Oh, hi, Cul.
Say, Cul, Willie Mae says...
...why don't y'all drop over
for the weekend...
...and bring Mrs. Culpepper
and all the kids with y'all.
- After all, y'all only live once.
- Why, sure.
Well, so long, y'all.
It's been a real pleasure, sir.
Look, operator...
I'd kind of like Plaza 5-5597,
please.
Why, sure enough, honey child.
Hello, Louis?
- Look, operator...
- Number, please.
I would like Plaza 5-5597.
Will you spell it, please?
Plaza. P for Plaza.
L for Louis. A for annoying.
Z for Xavier Cugat.
A for Anaheim, Azusa,
Cucamonga 5-5597.
Westminister 2-2222?
- Operator.
- Number, please. Number, please.
Operator. Ope...
Operator. Ope...
- Hello, operator.
- Number, please.
I want to speak
to Sir Geoffrey Kirsten...
...of the Frennessey Brandy Company,
Cape Town, South Africa.
No, I don't know the number.
Oh, she don't know the number.
- Hello, Porky.
- Hello, Por...
Hello. Hello, are you there?
Is that you, Gwendolyn, my darling?
Hello, Porky.
You stink, you big baboon.
And that goes for you too, buster.
- Hello, operator.
- Number, please. Number, please.
Operator,
I would like to speak to Oogu...
...in Dumdum Proper,
South Transylvania.
No, I don't know the number...
...and I don't know
Mr. Oogu's first name.
All I know is Oogu.
Just plain Oogu.
One moment, please.
Hello, Oogu speaking.
Look, Oogu,
you won't remember me...
...but we met
at a preview of Dorian Gray.
- Sure, sure.
- Yeah.
Look, Oogu, I wonder
if you would do me a favor.
Sure, any friend
of a friend is a friend.
Oh, I'm glad you feel that way.
Look, Oogu...
...would you get me Plaza 5-55...
- Sorry, your three minutes are up.
That'll be 94 dollars and 45 cents.
Keep moving.
Watch your step there.
Step lively. Right this way, please.
Step lively. Keep moving.
- Hey, excuse me.
- Hey.
I beg your pardon.
Now, this property that we're gonna
look at is worth $ 190,000.
He's asking 125.
We'll offer him...
...fifty-five...
We'll offer him 60
and settle for 75.
Nothing doing.
Why don't you leave the bu?
- Well, really.
- I'm sorry. All right.
Why don't you leave
the business things to me? I... I...
Excuse me, little girl... Madam.
Now, listen, I'll get it for 50,000.
I'll save you 25.
Never mind.
If it's worth 150,000, I'll give him 75.
No, $50,000. Now stop worrying
about it, will you? I'm your lawyer.
You're my lawyer.
It'll be like the last deal.
You were gonna save me 25,000
and I lost the whole deal.
I could have made 200,000.
You're my lawyer.
- Hey, what's the matter?
- You're under arrest.
- It ain't lit.
- I said you were under arrest.
- What for?
- For expectorating in a subway.
Now I gotta take you to court
and they'll fine you $2.
I didn't know what I was doing.
Can't we settle this out of court?
- I'll give you the 2 dollars.
- Okay.
I've got it right here.
I haven't got it on me.
He'll give you the 2 dollars.
- Give him the 2 dollars.
- I will not.
Have you got any witnesses?
How do you know he expectorated
on the floor?
- I saw him with my own eyes.
- Stop arguing. What's 2 dollars?
Give him the 2 dollars.
If we ain't uptown by 8:00...
...we'll lose the whole deal.
- You won't lose a thing.
- I dare you to arrest my client.
- Oh, a smart guy, eh?
Yes, I never lost a case in my life.
Well, we'll see about that.
Come on with me.
- Pay him the 2 dollars.
- I'll break you for this, officer.
Pay him the 2 dollars.
The court finds the defendant guilty
of expectorating in the subway...
...and hereby fines the defendant
two dollars, or 30 days in jail.
- All right. Pay him the 2 dollars.
- Nothing doing.
We'll appeal.
- Oh, pay the 2 dollars.
- No.
You're a businessman
and you can't afford...
...to have a black mark against you.
- We'll take it to a higher court.
- Take him away.
Oh, please. Pay the 2 dollars.
Don't worry. I'll have you
out of here in 20 minutes.
How long have you been in here?
I'll bet you've got
the same lawyer I've got.
Hello, Victor, how are you?
Where have you been?
I've been waiting here 12 days
for you to get back in 20 minutes.
Oh, now, Victor,
don't be so impatient.
I haven't much time.
I am in a bit of a hurry.
But I couldn't help but drop by,
and give you the good news.
Yes, the court has granted
our motion for an appeal.
Look, "Whereas my client,
Victor Moore...
...here and after known
as the defendant...
...is being sued
for committing a public nuisance"...
Never mind that stuff.
Just pay them the 2 dollars.
I will not.
I never lost a case in my life.
Say, what are you trying to do?
Spoil my record?
No. All I'm trying to do
is get out of jail.
Won't you please pay them
the 2 dollars?
Nothing doing.
You're going to appeal.
And by the way,
I want you to know...
...that I kept the accounts
absolutely straight.
- What do you mean, "accounts"?
- It takes money to file an appeal.
- Well, pay the 2 dollars.
- No, no. It's too late.
I've already filed my briefs.
Now here are the accounts.
Never mind.
How much did you spend?
Well, three stenographers
for 10 days at 5 dollars a day.
A hundred and fifty dollars.
That's for preparing the briefs.
Now, $ 10 a day for taking
them to lunch.
What do you mean
by taking stenographers...
...out to lunch on my money?
- Don't tell me how to live my life.
Now then, $ 100 a day
for three assistants.
- Five thousand to Walter Wilson.
- For what?
- For an opinion.
- What did Wilson say?
He said, "Pay them the 2 dollars."
Five thousand dollars to Barker,
Barker, Barker and Barker.
- What did Barker, Barker, Barker and?
- And Barker?
- Barker. What did they say?
- "Pay them the $2."
Five thousand
to Jerry Geisler for an opinion.
- What did he say?
- He said, "Pay them the $2."
Seems to be quite
a difference of opinion.
Oh, wait. I'm not through yet.
Now, there's $250
to my nephew for an opinion.
A hundred and fifty
to my niece for an opinion.
And $ 75 for my wife's opinion.
What are you bringing them in for?
They're not lawyers.
Well, everybody's entitled
to their opinion.
Now comes my opinion: $3000.
Oh, but we're gonna win this case.
We got an ace in the hole.
- We got four witnesses.
- What? We ain't got no witnesses.
Oh, yes, we have.
Two are coming from Chicago,
and two from Detroit.
And that makes
the total expense to date...
...$463,663.63.
For goodness sake,
will you pay the 2 dollars.
It is the opinion of this court...
...that the decision
of the lower court be reversed.
- Reversed. Didn't I tell you?
- Is that good?
Silence.
As a result of the defendant's
behavior in the subway...
...a deadly germ was spread...
...which caused the death
of two citizens.
We therefore find the defendant guilty
of murder in the first degree.
And the defendant
is hereby sentenced...
...to the punishment of death.
Your Honor, we appeal.
Pay them the 2 dollars.
Give them each 2 dollars.
Victor, you have only
a few hours left to live.
Nonsense.
I've got this case all sewed up.
You've got nothing to worry about.
I had the governor
on the phone all afternoon...
...and the pardon will be here
any minute.
What would you like
for dinner, Victor?
This will be your last meal.
You can order anything you want.
- I can have anything?
- Anything.
- You take the order?
- Yes, sir.
Well, I have an order of toast...
...dry toast.
Not the thin Melba toast...
...thicker.
And a cup of cocoa...
...and some stewed prunes
and cream.
No. Better leave out the cream.
That's fattening.
Oh, come on, Victor, cheer up.
Have a cigar.
Didn't I tell you the governor
would come through with a pardon?
Arnold never lost a case.
It's a good thing you had me
as a lawyer...
...or you would have been
a dead pigeon, sure.
You're a lucky man.
Yeah. I'm a lucky man.
You ruined my business.
You wrecked my health.
You spend all my money.
My wife left me
because I'm an ex-convict.
My children are disgraced.
I'm a ruined man,
and all because of you.
You're a lawyer.
- You're under arrest.
- What, again? Hand it to him.
- Don't worry, they can't do this.
- Please pay him the 2 dollars.
- I'll have you out in 20 minutes.
- I wanted to pay them.
Don't do a thing, Victor,
until you hear from me.
Maybe it was the music
Or the glamorous sky of blue
Maybe it was the mood I was in
Or maybe it was really you
Really you
This heart of mine
Was doing very well
The world was fine
As far as I could tell
And then quite suddenly I saw you
And I dreamed of gay amours
At dawn I'll wake up singing
Sentimental overtures
This heart of mine
Is gaily dancing now
I taste the wine
Of real romancing now
Somehow this crazy world
Has taken on
A wonderful design
As long as life endures
It's yours, this heart of mine
This heart of mine
Was doing very well
The world was fine
As far as I could tell
And then quite suddenly I met you
And I dreamed of gay amours
At dawn I woke up singing
Sentimental overtures
This heart of mine
Is gaily dancing now
I taste the wine
Of real romancing now
Somehow this crazy world
Has taken on a wonderful design
As long as life endures
It's yours, this heart of mine
Somehow this crazy world
Has taken on
A wonderful design
As long as life endures
It's yours
This heart of mine
Hello, operator?
I just dialed a number.
What? No outgoing calls?
I mailed you a check yesterday.
You'll positively receive it tomorrow.
You'll leave the phone connected?
Thank you.
Please get me that number.
Hello. Is this the butcher?
This is Mrs. Ederman.
I got to have 2 pound
lamb chops right away for dinner.
No meat? I mailed you
a check yesterday.
You'll positively receive it tomorrow.
I'll get the lamb chops tomorrow.
Thank you.
I mailed you...
Oh, it's the door.
Come in.
- Mrs. Ederman?
- Yeah.
- A cablegram.
- A cablegram?
- Yeah, from... From Ireland.
- Ireland? Let me see.
- Who do I know in Ireland?
- I think you won the sweepstakes.
"Congratulations,
your ticket number 44678...
...has been drawn
in the Irish Sweepstakes."
Here. I got no change.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
I... I won. I won.
Well, somebody, I won.
Oi, Monty, Monty.
Hello. I won.
Oi, Ireland, what a marvelous city.
Is that you, Monty?
- Norma? Is dinner re?
- Monty. I love you. Monty, I love you.
What's the matter?
You been untrue to me?
Yes. No. I mean,
I just got a cable from Ireland.
- Monty, have I got a surprise for you.
- What is it?
The ticket you bought
on the sweepstakes?
- Yes.
- Well, it won.
We won a steak?
- We... We won the sweepstakes?
- Yeah.
A glass of water, please.
What do you mean, water?
Champagne. We're rich.
All our troubles are over.
Dance. Do something.
- Oi, Monty.
- Hurrah. We're rich.
We're rich. We got...
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Monty, don't go crazy yet.
Wait till we get the money.
I haven't gone crazy.
Something terrible has happened.
What could be terrible
when we won the sweepstakes?
I met the landlord in the hall and
had to pay him the month's rent, $45.
So? We'll buy the house.
But you don't understand,
I only had $42.50.
To make up the extra two dollars and
a half, I gave the landlord the ticket.
So what?
- What did you say?
- I gave the landlord the ticket.
- Monty, dear, you should drop dead.
- I'll jump out the window.
Who stops you?
If he knows the ticket won,
he won't give it back.
But if he don't know,
we'll get it. Quick.
- He's out in the hall.
- Get him.
- Get him.
- Mr. Martin.
Mr. Martin. Mr. Martin.
Why, come in, Mr. Martin.
Funny, my wife
was just talking about you.
- Hello, Mrs. Ederman.
- Hello, Mr. Martin. Sit down.
- Thanks.
- You look good.
You look absolutely wonderful.
Make yourself at home.
Here. Take an apple.
- Thank you.
- You know, Mr. Martin...
...my wife is so superstitious
about that sweepstake ticket.
- Yeah.
- If you let me have it back...
...l'll give you the 2.50 tomorrow.
If that's why
you called me in, I'm going.
I've got the ticket here in my wallet
and that's where it's gonna stay.
- No, no. Sit down.
- You just arrived. Yes.
You know, you never
come around to see us...
...and we're always
so glad to see you.
Why don't you make yourself
comfortable?
- Go on. Take off your coat.
- All right.
Sure, take it off.
It's hot in here, you know.
Oh, it's so wrinkled.
I could press it for you.
Oh, thank you.
The pants is wrinkled too.
I could press the whole suit in a jiffy.
- No, never mind.
- Sure. Take off your pants.
Never mind the pants.
If it'll make you feel at home,
I'll take off mine.
No, just press the coat.
Do you know that I have a feeling
that this ticket's gonna win?
Pardon me. I don't feel so good.
Come in.
Here, Mr. Martin. Sit down again.
- Have an apple.
- Oh, thanks.
Cablegram, Mrs. Ederman.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you. Beat it.
- Why did he offer you congratulations?
- A relative died.
- Oh, that's too bad.
- Yeah, it's terrible, ain't it?
- Now I'm gonna press your coat.
- Thank you.
Monty. Monty.
A London syndicate is offering us
$25,000 for the ticket.
And we ain't got the ticket.
Talk. Talk.
- Talk, talk. Talk, talk.
- Well, I...
Don't say a word.
Don't say a word.
The trouble with you,
you get too excited.
Don't get excited.
Don't get excited.
Don't get excited.
Hold yourself together.
Don't go to pieces.
Hold yourself together.
- You all right?
- Fine.
What will we do?
What will we do?
Let's tell him the truth.
Maybe he'll give us half the money.
Poison, he'll give us.
That's what's the trouble with you.
You get excited.
You go to pieces.
I got an idea.
If we get excited,
he'll get suspicious.
So we'll go in there,
and we'll act very nonchalantly.
- You know, namby-pamby.
- Pamby-namby?
See, like nothing happened.
Wait, where's a cigarette?
Here. Here. Put a cigarette in there.
Now laugh.
Laugh like you told me a funny story.
Like nothing happened. Laugh.
Oh, Monty.
That was the funniest story.
Tell it to him.
Mr. Martin, my wife is so in love
with that sweepstake ticket.
Not that it means anything,
just a whim.
Mr. Martin, if that ticket did win,
what would you do?
I'd hop on a boat, go over to Ireland
and collect the money.
Monty. Monty.
Monty, it didn't work.
We was too namby-pamby.
Now what will we do?
Honesty is the best policy.
Let's tell him the truth.
- There must be an easier way.
- George Washington told the truth.
Did he win a sweepstakes?
Besides, this man
is holding back our property.
- Here. Take this vase.
- What for?
Just a light tap. Not hard.
Just a little tap on his head.
- Don't break the vase.
- Why should I hit him?
- Say he tried to kiss me.
- Who would believe it?
I can dream, can't I? Wait.
I know how to get the ticket.
I'll flirt with him.
If I only had a sweater.
I'll take this.
I'll get that ticket
or my middle name ain't Violet.
I'll captivate him.
- Am I captivating?
- I never noticed it before.
Norma, I think you've got
something there, but don't go too far.
No, just far enough
to get the ticket.
What's the matter?
Did you hurt yourself?
No.
You know, Mr. Martin...
...I find life just too dull for words.
- Ain't you?
- What?
All my life. All my life...
...l've been languishing
away in this terrible flat.
What's the matter? Is there something
wrong with the plumbing?
No, it's not that. It's my husband.
He don't understand me.
Is that so?
Well, do you know, Mrs. Ederman...
...you're looking very attractive.
- You think so?
- Would you like to loll away the time?
- Yes.
Shall I turn on the radio?
And we'll dance?
- Yes.
- And we'll have a good time?
- Can you do the jitterbug?
- Well, I'll take a chance.
Spanish, Seor Martin.
You know, my grandfather
was a Spaniard.
So that's what you're up to, huh?
The old Badger game.
You'll not get away with it.
I'll have you arrested.
Oh, please don't do that, Mr. Martin.
I might as well tell you the truth.
That ticket you've got
won the sweepstakes...
...and they're offering
$25,000 for it.
- You mean this ticket won?
- It won.
You're right, Monty.
Honesty is the best policy.
Love can be a moment's madness
Love can be insane
Love can be a life
Of sadness and pain
Love can be a summer shower
Love can be the sun
Love can be two hearts
That flower as one
It can be fine and free
But it's true
It doesn't always happen to you
Love can be a dying amber
Love can be a flame
Love pledged in September
May be dead in December
You may not even remember
It came
Oh, love can be a joy forever
Or an empty name
Love is almost never ever the same
Oh, love can be a cup of sorrow
Love can be a lie
Love can make you wake tomorrow
And sigh
Love can be a snow-capped mountain
Love can be the truth
Love can be an endless
Fountain of youth
It can be ecstasy
But that kind
Is not so very easy to find
Oh, love can be a tinkling cymbal
Love can be a dirge
Love may seem amusing
A spark constantly fusing
But it may end up by losing
Its urge
Oh, love can be a sweet endeavor
Or a dirty shame
Love is almost never ever
The same
This is the Clumsy
Television Broadcasting System.
When you hear the musical note
will somebody tell me what time it is?
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Lovely evening, isn't it?
Wheel your mother-in-law
close to the radio...
...because this is
the Guzzler's Gin Program.
You tried Guzzler's?
It comes in two sizes...
...the college size
and the jumbo elephant.
With Guzzler's
there's no bad taste, no after...
No bad taste, no aftereffect,
no upsetting the nerves.
Just a nice smooth drink.
Pour a little in your glass
and drink it right down.
But be sure and ask for Guzzler's Gin,
a nice smooth drink.
Guzz...
Guzzler's Gin, friends.
Drink a little after dinner.
Drink some before
and you won't have to eat any dinner.
I'll be back with more
from our sponsors.
In the meantime here is our guest star
of the evening, Mr...
Mr...
Subpoena.
J. Newton Numbskull:
Doctor of Poetry.
Thank you. Thank you.
My first poem.
"Greetings."
My first poem, "Algy."
Algy saw a bear
The bear saw Algy
The bear was bulgy
The bulge was Algy
And now back to our announcer
and more from our sponsors:
Guzzler's Gin.
Thank you, Newty, thank you.
This is the Guzzler's Gin Program
you're looking at.
Have you tried Guzzler's?
It comes in two sizes.
Get a college size.
One bottle
and you're in a class by yourself.
With Guzzler's there's no bad taste...
...no aftereffect,
no upsetting the nerves.
Just a nice smooth drink.
Pour a little in your glass...
There goes my nails.
Pour a little in your glass
and drink it right down.
But be sure and ask for Guzzler's Gin
a nice smooth drink.
Oh, why can't I get
an oatmeal program?
Guzzler's a nice smooth drink.
Guzzler's Gin, friends.
It comes in five...
Two sizes, two sizes.
Now back to our guest star
J. Newton Numbskull.
Thank you, thank you,
you drunken tramp, you.
My next poem.
"Put 15 cents on number four"...
My next poem, "The Garters."
I bought my girl some garters
At the local five and ten
She gave them to her mother
That's the last I'll see of them
And now back to our announcer who
will sign off the Guzzler's Gin Program.
Smooth.
Have you tried Guzzler's?
It comes in 29 sizes.
With Guzzler's
you don't need a chaser.
Nothing could catch you.
Save money.
Get the jumbo elephant size.
Only 25 cents a quart.
Return the bottle
and get your 15 cents back.
Smooth.
Thought it was my tongue
hanging out.
Pour a little in your glass...
Smooth.
Pour a little in your glass...
I'll get rid of it somehow.
Pour a little in your glass
and drink it right down.
Smooth.
In Limehouse
Where Orientals love to play
In Limehouse
Where you can hear those blues all day
And they seem all around
Like a long, long sigh
Queer sob sigh
"Oh, honey lamb," they seem to cry
Such a lovely sight
And everything was simply grand
That is until last night
He pinched me
He pinched me
He wouldn't let me be
I think he did it just to make...
Last night down our alley came a toff
Nice old geezer with a nasty cough
Sees my missis, takes the lady off
In a very gentlemanly way
"Ma'am," says he,
"I have some news to tell
Your rich uncle Tom of Camberwell
Has popped off
And really now it ain't a sell
Left to you his little donkey shay"
"Wot cher,"
All the neighbors say
"Who you going to meet, Bill?
Think you own the street, Bill?"
Laugh, I thought I would've died
Knocked him in the Old Kent Road
Oh, Limehouse kid
Oh, oh, oh, Limehouse kid
Going the way
That the rest of them did
Poor broken blossom
And nobody's child
Haunting and taunting
You're just kind of wild, oh
Oh, Limehouse blues
I've the real Limehouse blues
Learned from the willow
Those sad China blues
Rings on your fingers
And tears for a crown
That is the story
Of old Chinatown
Rings on your fingers
And tears for a crown
That is the story
Of old Chinatown
We are here to interview a lady
Known to you because of her ability
As the glamorous amorous lady
They call...
She's expecting you, gentlemen.
Won't you come in?
Now we don't mean Greta
And we don't mean Bette-a
Or Loretta
or The Song of Bernadette- a
We mean the fabulous "dabulous" lady
They call...
The other gentlemen are here.
Please come in.
- She's news
- She's front-page stuff
- She's headlines
- She's tops
And in advance
The critics are all in accord
She's gonna win
The next Academy Award
All her fans will be delighted
Not to mention quite excited
At her personal appearance
Presently
She's "stupendious," "tremendious"
"Collosical," "terrifical"
She's got it
But definitely
The glamorous amorous lady
They call...
Fribbins, what is all this?
The gentlemen of the press, milady.
Darlings.
How utterly charming of you
to have dropped in like this.
How delightfully informal of you
to have dropped in like this.
I mean, how perfectly
marvelous of you to have...
Well, you have dropped in,
haven't you?
And I...
Well, gentlemen...
...you have caught me
pitifully unprepared.
And now you may rise.
And now you may rise.
Come. Get up, get up, get up.
Let's get on with this.
There. Now, that's better, isn't it?
Gentlemen of the press.
Members of the fourth estate,
what can I do for you?
Tell me, pray do.
Oh, glamorous lady
Oh, amorous lady
Oh, "hamorous" lady
Here's to you
And humbly we're here to
Quite mumbly we're here to
"Humdrumly" we're here
To interview you
We're here to pry
Into your private life
We're here to seek
Your every secret
We're here to scoop a scoop
Obviously
What is your next vehicle to be?
This is much too much.
A sort of a bit of a go and touch.
But confidentially, gentlemen,
and this is off the record, of course.
Of course.
But about my next picture...
I'm faced with a curious problem.
Shall I always be dramatic?
Biographically emphatic?
Should I devote my life
To the legitimate art?
Or should I do what I'd adore so?
Do my acting with my torso
And give all the natives a start?
Must the roles I play be tragic?
Full of Oscar-winning magic?
Should I drain the cup of drama
To its dregs?
Or do you think it is permissible
To be, for once, quite kissable
And give them a peep of my legs?
I'd like to be a pinup girl
A cheesecake girl too
And what is Ginger Rogers
That I am not?
And what has Betty Grable got
That I haven't got?
Oh, the cinema must exhibit me
In roles that so inhibit me
I feel, well, I feel just like a soldier
Out of step
Yes.
But would the episode outlive me?
Would my public quite forgive me?
If I tried to show the world
I'm really hep?
Oh, but now, you darlings.
You adorable dear, dear boys.
I'm going to tell you
all about my next picture.
What is my next picture?
No, don't tell me, don't tell me.
Excuse me, darling.
Madame Crematante.
Madame Crematante, gentlemen...
...will be a monumental
biographical tribute...
...to a monumental
biographical woman...
...who toiled, searched, starved...
...slaved, suffered...
...pioneered, so that the world...
...you and I...
...could reap the benefits
of her magnificent discovery:
The safety pin.
The story starts in a dark, dank...
...dingy tenement in Amsterdam.
Holland, you know.
In the flat of a poor
impoverished family...
...but of rather good antecedents.
Gretchen Crematante was a very
brave and noble woman who...
...against the wishes of her father...
The baron, you know.
- Married this young inventor
who didn't have a sou, penniless.
- And there they were in Amsterdam
- In Amsterdam?
Yes, there they were
In a dark and dingy tenement flat
With no food and no heat
And no money for to pay the rent
- But did they care?
- No, they don't care
Madame Crematante
She don't care
'Cause she seen the light
Just the other day
Since then she been trying
For to find a way
For to bring to the world a big invent
- And so she did
- And so she did
Madame Crematante did
She toiled and strived
And sweat and slaved
A- stretchin' her mind
And beginnin' to rave
But the price she paid
Was worth the pain
For on a cold and frosty morn
- Oh, no
- The safety pin was born
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Halle, lu, lu, lu, lu, jah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Halle, lu, lu, lu, lu, jah
Shout hallelujah and a big amen
For the lady with the safety pin
She really rocks about and gives you
What more do you want?
- Madame Crematante
- Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Scream and shout
Who cares what it's all about
Just as long as you're stompin'
And jivin' and gassin' and gabbin'
And jammin' and jumpin'
When you talk about the safety pin
Who's got the safety pin?
Slip me the safety pin
- No doubt about it
- No baby can do without
The safety pin
The safety pin
The safety pin
The safety pin
The safety pin
Madame Crematante
She's a lady who was heaven-sent
She's the lady with the big invent
- Safety pin
- Madame Crematante
She's the lady with the big invent
Madame Crematante
She's the lady with the big invent
Madame Crematante
She's the lady with the big invent
Madame Crematante the big invent
How are you?
- Say, you're Fred Astaire. Hello.
- That's right. Hello.
I'm sorry, I can't quite place you.
What line of business are you in?
Well, I dance.
Oh, at home for the folks,
picnics and that kind of thing?
- No, in public.
- On street corners?
Oh, no. On the screen.
Motion pictures.
You do go to pictures
that have dancing in them, don't you?
I try to see them all.
I go as often as I can.
Did you see a picture
called Cover Girl?
Yes.
Well, who did all the dancing
in that?
You're not Rita Hayworth?
No, I'm not, Ginger.
- Well, so long, Gene.
- See you around.
- I've got a little number to do.
- I've got a little number to do.
- You have?
- Well, sure.
- Here?
- Sure.
Say, why don't we just ad-lib
a little something together then, huh?
- Whip it up here on the spot?
- Throw it away.
Like the one we've been rehearsing
for two weeks.
A Babbitt met a bromide
On the avenue one day
And held a conversation
In their own peculiar way
They both were solid citizens
They both had been around
And as they spoke you clearly saw
Their feet were on the ground
- Hello
- How are you?
- How's the folks?
- What's new?
- I'm great
- That's good
- Knock wood
- Well, well
- That's life
- What do you know?
- How's the wife?
- Gotta run
- Oh, my
- Ta-ta
- Olive oil
- Goodbye
Ten years went quickly by
For both these "substiantial" men
And then it happened that one day
They chanced to meet again
That they had both developed
In 10 years there was no doubt
And so of course they had
An awful lot to talk about
- Hello
- How are you?
- How's the folks?
- What's new?
- I'm great
- That's good
- Knock wood
- Well, well
- That's life
- What do you know?
- How's the wife?
- Gotta run
- Oh, my
- Ta-ta
- Olive oil
- Goodbye
Before they met again
Some 20 years they had to wait
This time it happened up above
Inside Saint Peter's gate
A harp each one was carrying
And both were sprouting wings
And this what they said as
They were strumming on the strings
- Hello
- How are you?
- How's the folks?
- What's new?
- I'm great
- That's good
- Knock wood
- Well, well
- That's life
- What do you know?
- How's the wife?
- Gotta fly
- Oh, my
- Ta-ta
- Olive oil
- Goodbye
The gleam of a blue-white moonlight
Makes diamonds of the stars
In the sky
The gold of an autumn sunset
Colors a cloud passing by
The night says goodbye
To the morning
And a heart says hello to a heart
All of these wonderful things
Shall endure
They're works of art
There's beauty everywhere
That everyone can share
A lovely world can be unfurled
To those who see and care
We search for beauty gay
Through every livelong day
And then someone comes into view
And suddenly you find it's true
That love is beauty too
And then someone comes into view
And suddenly you find it's true
That love is beauty too
And then someone comes into view
And suddenly you find it's true
That love is beauty too
Another heavenly day.
Yes.
It's always a heavenly day.
Every day is perfect.
Nothing but happiness.
Yes, happiness,
happiness, happiness.
I have everything that any man
or angel could desire.
Beautiful memories of the past.
Pictures, toys...
Toys.
Children play
with the dreams of tomorrow...
...and old men play
with the memories of yesterday.
Broadway.
Broadway I can see it again.
The Broadway of 1907.
The Broadway
that was waiting for me.
An innocent world
believing in a golden future.
Full of peace and laughter
and beautiful girls.
And here's the theater
where my first Follies opened.
As I look at that theater now,
it's all mine forever.
No taxes, no bills,
and no competitors.
There they are. My first public.
The high and mighty,
and the hoi polloi.
And here, they're all mine.
Eternal toys that never grow older.
Look at Mrs. Astor in her beautiful
carriage with her famous horse.
Much more famous
that night than Ziegfeld.
And didn't the horse know it.
And Diamond Jim Brady
with no horse...
... but what a filly inside the car.
There they are, an old New York
first-night audience...
... the judge and the jury.
"What have you got, Mr. Ziegfeld?
Show us your magic, if you dare.
Make us dream, if you can.
What have you got, Mr. Ziegfeld?"
Anna Held Hourglass Girls.
Thank you, Mrs. Astor.
I can pretend all my great stars
never grew older...
... are still dancing and singing
as they did years ago.
Marilyn Miller.
Fanny Brice.
Look at me, oh, look at me
Ho, I'm an Indian
Aha, I'm an Indian
Will Rogers.
Well...
What will I talk about?
I ain't got anything funny to say.
- All I know is what I read in the paper.
- Eddie Cantor.
If you knew Susie
Like I know Susie
Oh, oh, oh, what a girl
There's none so classy
As this fair lassie
Oh, oh, holy Moses
What a chassis
We went riding
She didn't balk
Back from Yonkers
I'm the one who had to walk
If you knew Susie
Like I know Susie
Oh, oh, what a girl
I can hear the applause as if
it hadn't disappeared into the past.
The New York night
still burns for me...
... with the names
I have branded into its sky.
Great shows that were part
of the dreams of America.
How many millions of people today
remember their courtships...
... their honeymoons,
their anniversaries...
... their happiest moments
in terms of a Ziegfeld show?
The world would never forget
the Ziegfeld Follies.
Those were the good old days.
And yet, I wonder.
Are those days really over?
Just because I moved up here
did the Follies have to die too?
Couldn't there be a new Follies?
No, no, I suppose not.
After all, how could there be
a Ziegfeld Follies without Ziegfeld?
What I would give to be able
to put on one more Follies.
Yes.
So many personalities
down there to choose from.
Great personalities from my day,
and great ones that have come up since.
How would I open?
Let's see.
I'd like a crayon and paper.
Thank you.
I think I'd open with a pink number.
Yes, a beautiful pink number...
...with a beautiful
pink and white, blue-eyed girl.
Yes. And maybe to introduce
the whole thing...
Well, who would be better
than my old friend Fred Astaire?
A great star, Freddie.
I'd be taking no chances with him.
And I know Freddie would say
something very nice about me.
What can I say about Ziegfeld?
Well, I can only tell you
that as long as there's a dance...
...a song, a musical show
and it's good...
...somewhere around or in it
is Ziegfeld.
He never cared so much
about villains, plots, stories.
The Follies never had a story.
The Ziegfeld Follies was itself
a story of an era.
If it was gay, bright, beautiful...
...that's how Ziggy wanted it.
And, oh, I almost forgot:
The girls.
Ziggy was a specialist
at glorifying girls.
That's one of the most important
things about the Follies, you know.
So...
Here's to the beautiful ladies
Here's to those wonderful girls
Adeles and Mollys
Lucilles and Pollys
You'll find them all
In the Ziegfeld Follies
Here's to the silks and the satins
Here's to the diamonds and pearls
This is the mixture
To start the picture
So bring on the beautiful girls
Here's to the silks and the satins
Here's to the diamonds and pearls
A sweet endeavor
A joy forever
So bring on the beautiful girls
Here's to the beautiful ladies
Here's to those wonderful girls
Adeles and Mollys
Lucilles and Pollys
You'll find them all
In the Ziegfeld Follies
Here's to the silks and the satins
Here's to the diamonds and pearls
A joy forever
A sweet endeavor
To bring on the beautiful girls
This is the mixture
To start the picture
So bring on the beautiful girls
All this yap-yap-yap
About glorifying dames
Leaves me like a cold potato
I'd much rather be
With a handsome he
Like Van Johnson
Who's a real tomato
For a date with Fred MacMurray
You can bet your life I'd hurry
And a guy like Mischa Auer
Has me completely in his power
In fact most any man I've seen
Is the only man for me
Bring on those wonderful men
Bring me an elegant guy
A soldier or sailor
A Gable or Taylor
A short or a tall one
I just wanna call one
My own, private wonderful he
Bring what you can to me
Bring me a guy to pin up
Bring me a prince on a horse
A dark or a light one
I just want to sight one
Who'll call me his missis
And give with the kisses
I'm afraid I've a terrible yen
For those wonderful M-E-N
Amor, Amor
There must be someone for me
But what's he waiting for?
No hope, no soap
If he don't appear
I fear I'm at the end of my rope
Oh, bring on a male who ain't frail
Bring on a man from a cave
Someone to relax with
And pay income tax with
And though he's from hunger
I'm not getting younger
And I'd like to get on with my plan
To glorify the American man
I know the men are few
But what's a gal to do?
I'll get a man before I'm through
Hey, you in the third row:
Bring on those wonderful men
Could you tell me
where the telephone is, please?
Oh, thank you.
Say, could you tell?
- Number, please.
- Oh, operator...
...I would like Plaza 5-5597, please.
- Plaza 5-5597? One moment, please.
- That's right.
Thank you.
- Hello.
- Oh, hello. Louis?
What number you want?
Plaza 5-5597.
Well, this is Morningside 3-3333.
- Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
- Drop dead, will you?
Yeah. I'll do that.
- Operator.
- Number, please.
Operator, you got me
the wrong number.
I wanted Plaza 5-5597,
and you got me...
One moment, please.
I'll get you the Complaint Department.
You don't have to get me
the Complaint...
- Hello, Complaint Department?
- Complaint Department.
- Hello, Beth, how are you?
- No, look, you...
- Boy, have I got a head.
- Went to the Strand last night...
... and saw cute Van Johnson
in 30 Seconds Over Japan.
Did you like that picture?
I liked it.
When the airplanes went over...
A fellow had one leg.
Handsome, brave...
Van Johnson is just divine.
Operator!
Number, please.
Operator,
believe me when I tell you...
...you don't have to get me
the Complaint Department.
I can spare that extra nickel.
I just want Plaza 5-5597.
- Plaza 5-5597?
- Yes, that's right.
- One moment, please.
- Thank you.
Oh, hello. Louis?
When you hear the tone
the time will be...
... exactly 33 and a third seconds
past 10.
- Operator.
- Number, please.
Operator, all I want is Plaza 5-5597.
Now,
that's Louis Sebastian's cigar store.
It's right around the corner.
I could walk there.
I don't want the world
with a fence around it.
All I want is Plaza 5-5597.
Plaza 5-5597?
One moment, please.
Thank you.
Hello, Louis?
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy Birthday, dear
Mr. Bushy Mendel Horgenforth III
No knife can cut our love in two
Good evening, friends
- Pardon me, sir.
- Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
- Hi, operator?
- Number, please.
Say, operator, I'd like to talk
to Colonel Culpepper...
...at the Magnolia Manor Plantation
in Chattanooga, Tennessee.
Chattanooga, Tennessee.
Hello, Colonel Culpepper?
Oh, hi, Cul.
Say, Cul, Willie Mae says...
...why don't y'all drop over
for the weekend...
...and bring Mrs. Culpepper
and all the kids with y'all.
- After all, y'all only live once.
- Why, sure.
Well, so long, y'all.
It's been a real pleasure, sir.
Look, operator...
I'd kind of like Plaza 5-5597,
please.
Why, sure enough, honey child.
Hello, Louis?
- Look, operator...
- Number, please.
I would like Plaza 5-5597.
Will you spell it, please?
Plaza. P for Plaza.
L for Louis. A for annoying.
Z for Xavier Cugat.
A for Anaheim, Azusa,
Cucamonga 5-5597.
Westminister 2-2222?
- Operator.
- Number, please. Number, please.
Operator. Ope...
Operator. Ope...
- Hello, operator.
- Number, please.
I want to speak
to Sir Geoffrey Kirsten...
...of the Frennessey Brandy Company,
Cape Town, South Africa.
No, I don't know the number.
Oh, she don't know the number.
- Hello, Porky.
- Hello, Por...
Hello. Hello, are you there?
Is that you, Gwendolyn, my darling?
Hello, Porky.
You stink, you big baboon.
And that goes for you too, buster.
- Hello, operator.
- Number, please. Number, please.
Operator,
I would like to speak to Oogu...
...in Dumdum Proper,
South Transylvania.
No, I don't know the number...
...and I don't know
Mr. Oogu's first name.
All I know is Oogu.
Just plain Oogu.
One moment, please.
Hello, Oogu speaking.
Look, Oogu,
you won't remember me...
...but we met
at a preview of Dorian Gray.
- Sure, sure.
- Yeah.
Look, Oogu, I wonder
if you would do me a favor.
Sure, any friend
of a friend is a friend.
Oh, I'm glad you feel that way.
Look, Oogu...
...would you get me Plaza 5-55...
- Sorry, your three minutes are up.
That'll be 94 dollars and 45 cents.
Keep moving.
Watch your step there.
Step lively. Right this way, please.
Step lively. Keep moving.
- Hey, excuse me.
- Hey.
I beg your pardon.
Now, this property that we're gonna
look at is worth $ 190,000.
He's asking 125.
We'll offer him...
...fifty-five...
We'll offer him 60
and settle for 75.
Nothing doing.
Why don't you leave the bu?
- Well, really.
- I'm sorry. All right.
Why don't you leave
the business things to me? I... I...
Excuse me, little girl... Madam.
Now, listen, I'll get it for 50,000.
I'll save you 25.
Never mind.
If it's worth 150,000, I'll give him 75.
No, $50,000. Now stop worrying
about it, will you? I'm your lawyer.
You're my lawyer.
It'll be like the last deal.
You were gonna save me 25,000
and I lost the whole deal.
I could have made 200,000.
You're my lawyer.
- Hey, what's the matter?
- You're under arrest.
- It ain't lit.
- I said you were under arrest.
- What for?
- For expectorating in a subway.
Now I gotta take you to court
and they'll fine you $2.
I didn't know what I was doing.
Can't we settle this out of court?
- I'll give you the 2 dollars.
- Okay.
I've got it right here.
I haven't got it on me.
He'll give you the 2 dollars.
- Give him the 2 dollars.
- I will not.
Have you got any witnesses?
How do you know he expectorated
on the floor?
- I saw him with my own eyes.
- Stop arguing. What's 2 dollars?
Give him the 2 dollars.
If we ain't uptown by 8:00...
...we'll lose the whole deal.
- You won't lose a thing.
- I dare you to arrest my client.
- Oh, a smart guy, eh?
Yes, I never lost a case in my life.
Well, we'll see about that.
Come on with me.
- Pay him the 2 dollars.
- I'll break you for this, officer.
Pay him the 2 dollars.
The court finds the defendant guilty
of expectorating in the subway...
...and hereby fines the defendant
two dollars, or 30 days in jail.
- All right. Pay him the 2 dollars.
- Nothing doing.
We'll appeal.
- Oh, pay the 2 dollars.
- No.
You're a businessman
and you can't afford...
...to have a black mark against you.
- We'll take it to a higher court.
- Take him away.
Oh, please. Pay the 2 dollars.
Don't worry. I'll have you
out of here in 20 minutes.
How long have you been in here?
I'll bet you've got
the same lawyer I've got.
Hello, Victor, how are you?
Where have you been?
I've been waiting here 12 days
for you to get back in 20 minutes.
Oh, now, Victor,
don't be so impatient.
I haven't much time.
I am in a bit of a hurry.
But I couldn't help but drop by,
and give you the good news.
Yes, the court has granted
our motion for an appeal.
Look, "Whereas my client,
Victor Moore...
...here and after known
as the defendant...
...is being sued
for committing a public nuisance"...
Never mind that stuff.
Just pay them the 2 dollars.
I will not.
I never lost a case in my life.
Say, what are you trying to do?
Spoil my record?
No. All I'm trying to do
is get out of jail.
Won't you please pay them
the 2 dollars?
Nothing doing.
You're going to appeal.
And by the way,
I want you to know...
...that I kept the accounts
absolutely straight.
- What do you mean, "accounts"?
- It takes money to file an appeal.
- Well, pay the 2 dollars.
- No, no. It's too late.
I've already filed my briefs.
Now here are the accounts.
Never mind.
How much did you spend?
Well, three stenographers
for 10 days at 5 dollars a day.
A hundred and fifty dollars.
That's for preparing the briefs.
Now, $ 10 a day for taking
them to lunch.
What do you mean
by taking stenographers...
...out to lunch on my money?
- Don't tell me how to live my life.
Now then, $ 100 a day
for three assistants.
- Five thousand to Walter Wilson.
- For what?
- For an opinion.
- What did Wilson say?
He said, "Pay them the 2 dollars."
Five thousand dollars to Barker,
Barker, Barker and Barker.
- What did Barker, Barker, Barker and?
- And Barker?
- Barker. What did they say?
- "Pay them the $2."
Five thousand
to Jerry Geisler for an opinion.
- What did he say?
- He said, "Pay them the $2."
Seems to be quite
a difference of opinion.
Oh, wait. I'm not through yet.
Now, there's $250
to my nephew for an opinion.
A hundred and fifty
to my niece for an opinion.
And $ 75 for my wife's opinion.
What are you bringing them in for?
They're not lawyers.
Well, everybody's entitled
to their opinion.
Now comes my opinion: $3000.
Oh, but we're gonna win this case.
We got an ace in the hole.
- We got four witnesses.
- What? We ain't got no witnesses.
Oh, yes, we have.
Two are coming from Chicago,
and two from Detroit.
And that makes
the total expense to date...
...$463,663.63.
For goodness sake,
will you pay the 2 dollars.
It is the opinion of this court...
...that the decision
of the lower court be reversed.
- Reversed. Didn't I tell you?
- Is that good?
Silence.
As a result of the defendant's
behavior in the subway...
...a deadly germ was spread...
...which caused the death
of two citizens.
We therefore find the defendant guilty
of murder in the first degree.
And the defendant
is hereby sentenced...
...to the punishment of death.
Your Honor, we appeal.
Pay them the 2 dollars.
Give them each 2 dollars.
Victor, you have only
a few hours left to live.
Nonsense.
I've got this case all sewed up.
You've got nothing to worry about.
I had the governor
on the phone all afternoon...
...and the pardon will be here
any minute.
What would you like
for dinner, Victor?
This will be your last meal.
You can order anything you want.
- I can have anything?
- Anything.
- You take the order?
- Yes, sir.
Well, I have an order of toast...
...dry toast.
Not the thin Melba toast...
...thicker.
And a cup of cocoa...
...and some stewed prunes
and cream.
No. Better leave out the cream.
That's fattening.
Oh, come on, Victor, cheer up.
Have a cigar.
Didn't I tell you the governor
would come through with a pardon?
Arnold never lost a case.
It's a good thing you had me
as a lawyer...
...or you would have been
a dead pigeon, sure.
You're a lucky man.
Yeah. I'm a lucky man.
You ruined my business.
You wrecked my health.
You spend all my money.
My wife left me
because I'm an ex-convict.
My children are disgraced.
I'm a ruined man,
and all because of you.
You're a lawyer.
- You're under arrest.
- What, again? Hand it to him.
- Don't worry, they can't do this.
- Please pay him the 2 dollars.
- I'll have you out in 20 minutes.
- I wanted to pay them.
Don't do a thing, Victor,
until you hear from me.
Maybe it was the music
Or the glamorous sky of blue
Maybe it was the mood I was in
Or maybe it was really you
Really you
This heart of mine
Was doing very well
The world was fine
As far as I could tell
And then quite suddenly I saw you
And I dreamed of gay amours
At dawn I'll wake up singing
Sentimental overtures
This heart of mine
Is gaily dancing now
I taste the wine
Of real romancing now
Somehow this crazy world
Has taken on
A wonderful design
As long as life endures
It's yours, this heart of mine
This heart of mine
Was doing very well
The world was fine
As far as I could tell
And then quite suddenly I met you
And I dreamed of gay amours
At dawn I woke up singing
Sentimental overtures
This heart of mine
Is gaily dancing now
I taste the wine
Of real romancing now
Somehow this crazy world
Has taken on a wonderful design
As long as life endures
It's yours, this heart of mine
Somehow this crazy world
Has taken on
A wonderful design
As long as life endures
It's yours
This heart of mine
Hello, operator?
I just dialed a number.
What? No outgoing calls?
I mailed you a check yesterday.
You'll positively receive it tomorrow.
You'll leave the phone connected?
Thank you.
Please get me that number.
Hello. Is this the butcher?
This is Mrs. Ederman.
I got to have 2 pound
lamb chops right away for dinner.
No meat? I mailed you
a check yesterday.
You'll positively receive it tomorrow.
I'll get the lamb chops tomorrow.
Thank you.
I mailed you...
Oh, it's the door.
Come in.
- Mrs. Ederman?
- Yeah.
- A cablegram.
- A cablegram?
- Yeah, from... From Ireland.
- Ireland? Let me see.
- Who do I know in Ireland?
- I think you won the sweepstakes.
"Congratulations,
your ticket number 44678...
...has been drawn
in the Irish Sweepstakes."
Here. I got no change.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
I... I won. I won.
Well, somebody, I won.
Oi, Monty, Monty.
Hello. I won.
Oi, Ireland, what a marvelous city.
Is that you, Monty?
- Norma? Is dinner re?
- Monty. I love you. Monty, I love you.
What's the matter?
You been untrue to me?
Yes. No. I mean,
I just got a cable from Ireland.
- Monty, have I got a surprise for you.
- What is it?
The ticket you bought
on the sweepstakes?
- Yes.
- Well, it won.
We won a steak?
- We... We won the sweepstakes?
- Yeah.
A glass of water, please.
What do you mean, water?
Champagne. We're rich.
All our troubles are over.
Dance. Do something.
- Oi, Monty.
- Hurrah. We're rich.
We're rich. We got...
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Monty, don't go crazy yet.
Wait till we get the money.
I haven't gone crazy.
Something terrible has happened.
What could be terrible
when we won the sweepstakes?
I met the landlord in the hall and
had to pay him the month's rent, $45.
So? We'll buy the house.
But you don't understand,
I only had $42.50.
To make up the extra two dollars and
a half, I gave the landlord the ticket.
So what?
- What did you say?
- I gave the landlord the ticket.
- Monty, dear, you should drop dead.
- I'll jump out the window.
Who stops you?
If he knows the ticket won,
he won't give it back.
But if he don't know,
we'll get it. Quick.
- He's out in the hall.
- Get him.
- Get him.
- Mr. Martin.
Mr. Martin. Mr. Martin.
Why, come in, Mr. Martin.
Funny, my wife
was just talking about you.
- Hello, Mrs. Ederman.
- Hello, Mr. Martin. Sit down.
- Thanks.
- You look good.
You look absolutely wonderful.
Make yourself at home.
Here. Take an apple.
- Thank you.
- You know, Mr. Martin...
...my wife is so superstitious
about that sweepstake ticket.
- Yeah.
- If you let me have it back...
...l'll give you the 2.50 tomorrow.
If that's why
you called me in, I'm going.
I've got the ticket here in my wallet
and that's where it's gonna stay.
- No, no. Sit down.
- You just arrived. Yes.
You know, you never
come around to see us...
...and we're always
so glad to see you.
Why don't you make yourself
comfortable?
- Go on. Take off your coat.
- All right.
Sure, take it off.
It's hot in here, you know.
Oh, it's so wrinkled.
I could press it for you.
Oh, thank you.
The pants is wrinkled too.
I could press the whole suit in a jiffy.
- No, never mind.
- Sure. Take off your pants.
Never mind the pants.
If it'll make you feel at home,
I'll take off mine.
No, just press the coat.
Do you know that I have a feeling
that this ticket's gonna win?
Pardon me. I don't feel so good.
Come in.
Here, Mr. Martin. Sit down again.
- Have an apple.
- Oh, thanks.
Cablegram, Mrs. Ederman.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you. Beat it.
- Why did he offer you congratulations?
- A relative died.
- Oh, that's too bad.
- Yeah, it's terrible, ain't it?
- Now I'm gonna press your coat.
- Thank you.
Monty. Monty.
A London syndicate is offering us
$25,000 for the ticket.
And we ain't got the ticket.
Talk. Talk.
- Talk, talk. Talk, talk.
- Well, I...
Don't say a word.
Don't say a word.
The trouble with you,
you get too excited.
Don't get excited.
Don't get excited.
Don't get excited.
Hold yourself together.
Don't go to pieces.
Hold yourself together.
- You all right?
- Fine.
What will we do?
What will we do?
Let's tell him the truth.
Maybe he'll give us half the money.
Poison, he'll give us.
That's what's the trouble with you.
You get excited.
You go to pieces.
I got an idea.
If we get excited,
he'll get suspicious.
So we'll go in there,
and we'll act very nonchalantly.
- You know, namby-pamby.
- Pamby-namby?
See, like nothing happened.
Wait, where's a cigarette?
Here. Here. Put a cigarette in there.
Now laugh.
Laugh like you told me a funny story.
Like nothing happened. Laugh.
Oh, Monty.
That was the funniest story.
Tell it to him.
Mr. Martin, my wife is so in love
with that sweepstake ticket.
Not that it means anything,
just a whim.
Mr. Martin, if that ticket did win,
what would you do?
I'd hop on a boat, go over to Ireland
and collect the money.
Monty. Monty.
Monty, it didn't work.
We was too namby-pamby.
Now what will we do?
Honesty is the best policy.
Let's tell him the truth.
- There must be an easier way.
- George Washington told the truth.
Did he win a sweepstakes?
Besides, this man
is holding back our property.
- Here. Take this vase.
- What for?
Just a light tap. Not hard.
Just a little tap on his head.
- Don't break the vase.
- Why should I hit him?
- Say he tried to kiss me.
- Who would believe it?
I can dream, can't I? Wait.
I know how to get the ticket.
I'll flirt with him.
If I only had a sweater.
I'll take this.
I'll get that ticket
or my middle name ain't Violet.
I'll captivate him.
- Am I captivating?
- I never noticed it before.
Norma, I think you've got
something there, but don't go too far.
No, just far enough
to get the ticket.
What's the matter?
Did you hurt yourself?
No.
You know, Mr. Martin...
...I find life just too dull for words.
- Ain't you?
- What?
All my life. All my life...
...l've been languishing
away in this terrible flat.
What's the matter? Is there something
wrong with the plumbing?
No, it's not that. It's my husband.
He don't understand me.
Is that so?
Well, do you know, Mrs. Ederman...
...you're looking very attractive.
- You think so?
- Would you like to loll away the time?
- Yes.
Shall I turn on the radio?
And we'll dance?
- Yes.
- And we'll have a good time?
- Can you do the jitterbug?
- Well, I'll take a chance.
Spanish, Seor Martin.
You know, my grandfather
was a Spaniard.
So that's what you're up to, huh?
The old Badger game.
You'll not get away with it.
I'll have you arrested.
Oh, please don't do that, Mr. Martin.
I might as well tell you the truth.
That ticket you've got
won the sweepstakes...
...and they're offering
$25,000 for it.
- You mean this ticket won?
- It won.
You're right, Monty.
Honesty is the best policy.
Love can be a moment's madness
Love can be insane
Love can be a life
Of sadness and pain
Love can be a summer shower
Love can be the sun
Love can be two hearts
That flower as one
It can be fine and free
But it's true
It doesn't always happen to you
Love can be a dying amber
Love can be a flame
Love pledged in September
May be dead in December
You may not even remember
It came
Oh, love can be a joy forever
Or an empty name
Love is almost never ever the same
Oh, love can be a cup of sorrow
Love can be a lie
Love can make you wake tomorrow
And sigh
Love can be a snow-capped mountain
Love can be the truth
Love can be an endless
Fountain of youth
It can be ecstasy
But that kind
Is not so very easy to find
Oh, love can be a tinkling cymbal
Love can be a dirge
Love may seem amusing
A spark constantly fusing
But it may end up by losing
Its urge
Oh, love can be a sweet endeavor
Or a dirty shame
Love is almost never ever
The same
This is the Clumsy
Television Broadcasting System.
When you hear the musical note
will somebody tell me what time it is?
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Lovely evening, isn't it?
Wheel your mother-in-law
close to the radio...
...because this is
the Guzzler's Gin Program.
You tried Guzzler's?
It comes in two sizes...
...the college size
and the jumbo elephant.
With Guzzler's
there's no bad taste, no after...
No bad taste, no aftereffect,
no upsetting the nerves.
Just a nice smooth drink.
Pour a little in your glass
and drink it right down.
But be sure and ask for Guzzler's Gin,
a nice smooth drink.
Guzz...
Guzzler's Gin, friends.
Drink a little after dinner.
Drink some before
and you won't have to eat any dinner.
I'll be back with more
from our sponsors.
In the meantime here is our guest star
of the evening, Mr...
Mr...
Subpoena.
J. Newton Numbskull:
Doctor of Poetry.
Thank you. Thank you.
My first poem.
"Greetings."
My first poem, "Algy."
Algy saw a bear
The bear saw Algy
The bear was bulgy
The bulge was Algy
And now back to our announcer
and more from our sponsors:
Guzzler's Gin.
Thank you, Newty, thank you.
This is the Guzzler's Gin Program
you're looking at.
Have you tried Guzzler's?
It comes in two sizes.
Get a college size.
One bottle
and you're in a class by yourself.
With Guzzler's there's no bad taste...
...no aftereffect,
no upsetting the nerves.
Just a nice smooth drink.
Pour a little in your glass...
There goes my nails.
Pour a little in your glass
and drink it right down.
But be sure and ask for Guzzler's Gin
a nice smooth drink.
Oh, why can't I get
an oatmeal program?
Guzzler's a nice smooth drink.
Guzzler's Gin, friends.
It comes in five...
Two sizes, two sizes.
Now back to our guest star
J. Newton Numbskull.
Thank you, thank you,
you drunken tramp, you.
My next poem.
"Put 15 cents on number four"...
My next poem, "The Garters."
I bought my girl some garters
At the local five and ten
She gave them to her mother
That's the last I'll see of them
And now back to our announcer who
will sign off the Guzzler's Gin Program.
Smooth.
Have you tried Guzzler's?
It comes in 29 sizes.
With Guzzler's
you don't need a chaser.
Nothing could catch you.
Save money.
Get the jumbo elephant size.
Only 25 cents a quart.
Return the bottle
and get your 15 cents back.
Smooth.
Thought it was my tongue
hanging out.
Pour a little in your glass...
Smooth.
Pour a little in your glass...
I'll get rid of it somehow.
Pour a little in your glass
and drink it right down.
Smooth.
In Limehouse
Where Orientals love to play
In Limehouse
Where you can hear those blues all day
And they seem all around
Like a long, long sigh
Queer sob sigh
"Oh, honey lamb," they seem to cry
Such a lovely sight
And everything was simply grand
That is until last night
He pinched me
He pinched me
He wouldn't let me be
I think he did it just to make...
Last night down our alley came a toff
Nice old geezer with a nasty cough
Sees my missis, takes the lady off
In a very gentlemanly way
"Ma'am," says he,
"I have some news to tell
Your rich uncle Tom of Camberwell
Has popped off
And really now it ain't a sell
Left to you his little donkey shay"
"Wot cher,"
All the neighbors say
"Who you going to meet, Bill?
Think you own the street, Bill?"
Laugh, I thought I would've died
Knocked him in the Old Kent Road
Oh, Limehouse kid
Oh, oh, oh, Limehouse kid
Going the way
That the rest of them did
Poor broken blossom
And nobody's child
Haunting and taunting
You're just kind of wild, oh
Oh, Limehouse blues
I've the real Limehouse blues
Learned from the willow
Those sad China blues
Rings on your fingers
And tears for a crown
That is the story
Of old Chinatown
Rings on your fingers
And tears for a crown
That is the story
Of old Chinatown
We are here to interview a lady
Known to you because of her ability
As the glamorous amorous lady
They call...
She's expecting you, gentlemen.
Won't you come in?
Now we don't mean Greta
And we don't mean Bette-a
Or Loretta
or The Song of Bernadette- a
We mean the fabulous "dabulous" lady
They call...
The other gentlemen are here.
Please come in.
- She's news
- She's front-page stuff
- She's headlines
- She's tops
And in advance
The critics are all in accord
She's gonna win
The next Academy Award
All her fans will be delighted
Not to mention quite excited
At her personal appearance
Presently
She's "stupendious," "tremendious"
"Collosical," "terrifical"
She's got it
But definitely
The glamorous amorous lady
They call...
Fribbins, what is all this?
The gentlemen of the press, milady.
Darlings.
How utterly charming of you
to have dropped in like this.
How delightfully informal of you
to have dropped in like this.
I mean, how perfectly
marvelous of you to have...
Well, you have dropped in,
haven't you?
And I...
Well, gentlemen...
...you have caught me
pitifully unprepared.
And now you may rise.
And now you may rise.
Come. Get up, get up, get up.
Let's get on with this.
There. Now, that's better, isn't it?
Gentlemen of the press.
Members of the fourth estate,
what can I do for you?
Tell me, pray do.
Oh, glamorous lady
Oh, amorous lady
Oh, "hamorous" lady
Here's to you
And humbly we're here to
Quite mumbly we're here to
"Humdrumly" we're here
To interview you
We're here to pry
Into your private life
We're here to seek
Your every secret
We're here to scoop a scoop
Obviously
What is your next vehicle to be?
This is much too much.
A sort of a bit of a go and touch.
But confidentially, gentlemen,
and this is off the record, of course.
Of course.
But about my next picture...
I'm faced with a curious problem.
Shall I always be dramatic?
Biographically emphatic?
Should I devote my life
To the legitimate art?
Or should I do what I'd adore so?
Do my acting with my torso
And give all the natives a start?
Must the roles I play be tragic?
Full of Oscar-winning magic?
Should I drain the cup of drama
To its dregs?
Or do you think it is permissible
To be, for once, quite kissable
And give them a peep of my legs?
I'd like to be a pinup girl
A cheesecake girl too
And what is Ginger Rogers
That I am not?
And what has Betty Grable got
That I haven't got?
Oh, the cinema must exhibit me
In roles that so inhibit me
I feel, well, I feel just like a soldier
Out of step
Yes.
But would the episode outlive me?
Would my public quite forgive me?
If I tried to show the world
I'm really hep?
Oh, but now, you darlings.
You adorable dear, dear boys.
I'm going to tell you
all about my next picture.
What is my next picture?
No, don't tell me, don't tell me.
Excuse me, darling.
Madame Crematante.
Madame Crematante, gentlemen...
...will be a monumental
biographical tribute...
...to a monumental
biographical woman...
...who toiled, searched, starved...
...slaved, suffered...
...pioneered, so that the world...
...you and I...
...could reap the benefits
of her magnificent discovery:
The safety pin.
The story starts in a dark, dank...
...dingy tenement in Amsterdam.
Holland, you know.
In the flat of a poor
impoverished family...
...but of rather good antecedents.
Gretchen Crematante was a very
brave and noble woman who...
...against the wishes of her father...
The baron, you know.
- Married this young inventor
who didn't have a sou, penniless.
- And there they were in Amsterdam
- In Amsterdam?
Yes, there they were
In a dark and dingy tenement flat
With no food and no heat
And no money for to pay the rent
- But did they care?
- No, they don't care
Madame Crematante
She don't care
'Cause she seen the light
Just the other day
Since then she been trying
For to find a way
For to bring to the world a big invent
- And so she did
- And so she did
Madame Crematante did
She toiled and strived
And sweat and slaved
A- stretchin' her mind
And beginnin' to rave
But the price she paid
Was worth the pain
For on a cold and frosty morn
- Oh, no
- The safety pin was born
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Halle, lu, lu, lu, lu, jah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Halle, lu, lu, lu, lu, jah
Shout hallelujah and a big amen
For the lady with the safety pin
She really rocks about and gives you
What more do you want?
- Madame Crematante
- Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Scream and shout
Who cares what it's all about
Just as long as you're stompin'
And jivin' and gassin' and gabbin'
And jammin' and jumpin'
When you talk about the safety pin
Who's got the safety pin?
Slip me the safety pin
- No doubt about it
- No baby can do without
The safety pin
The safety pin
The safety pin
The safety pin
The safety pin
Madame Crematante
She's a lady who was heaven-sent
She's the lady with the big invent
- Safety pin
- Madame Crematante
She's the lady with the big invent
Madame Crematante
She's the lady with the big invent
Madame Crematante
She's the lady with the big invent
Madame Crematante the big invent
How are you?
- Say, you're Fred Astaire. Hello.
- That's right. Hello.
I'm sorry, I can't quite place you.
What line of business are you in?
Well, I dance.
Oh, at home for the folks,
picnics and that kind of thing?
- No, in public.
- On street corners?
Oh, no. On the screen.
Motion pictures.
You do go to pictures
that have dancing in them, don't you?
I try to see them all.
I go as often as I can.
Did you see a picture
called Cover Girl?
Yes.
Well, who did all the dancing
in that?
You're not Rita Hayworth?
No, I'm not, Ginger.
- Well, so long, Gene.
- See you around.
- I've got a little number to do.
- I've got a little number to do.
- You have?
- Well, sure.
- Here?
- Sure.
Say, why don't we just ad-lib
a little something together then, huh?
- Whip it up here on the spot?
- Throw it away.
Like the one we've been rehearsing
for two weeks.
A Babbitt met a bromide
On the avenue one day
And held a conversation
In their own peculiar way
They both were solid citizens
They both had been around
And as they spoke you clearly saw
Their feet were on the ground
- Hello
- How are you?
- How's the folks?
- What's new?
- I'm great
- That's good
- Knock wood
- Well, well
- That's life
- What do you know?
- How's the wife?
- Gotta run
- Oh, my
- Ta-ta
- Olive oil
- Goodbye
Ten years went quickly by
For both these "substiantial" men
And then it happened that one day
They chanced to meet again
That they had both developed
In 10 years there was no doubt
And so of course they had
An awful lot to talk about
- Hello
- How are you?
- How's the folks?
- What's new?
- I'm great
- That's good
- Knock wood
- Well, well
- That's life
- What do you know?
- How's the wife?
- Gotta run
- Oh, my
- Ta-ta
- Olive oil
- Goodbye
Before they met again
Some 20 years they had to wait
This time it happened up above
Inside Saint Peter's gate
A harp each one was carrying
And both were sprouting wings
And this what they said as
They were strumming on the strings
- Hello
- How are you?
- How's the folks?
- What's new?
- I'm great
- That's good
- Knock wood
- Well, well
- That's life
- What do you know?
- How's the wife?
- Gotta fly
- Oh, my
- Ta-ta
- Olive oil
- Goodbye
The gleam of a blue-white moonlight
Makes diamonds of the stars
In the sky
The gold of an autumn sunset
Colors a cloud passing by
The night says goodbye
To the morning
And a heart says hello to a heart
All of these wonderful things
Shall endure
They're works of art
There's beauty everywhere
That everyone can share
A lovely world can be unfurled
To those who see and care
We search for beauty gay
Through every livelong day
And then someone comes into view
And suddenly you find it's true
That love is beauty too
And then someone comes into view
And suddenly you find it's true
That love is beauty too
And then someone comes into view
And suddenly you find it's true
That love is beauty too