Zombieland: Double Tap (2019) Movie Script

1
Hmph.
Welcome to Zombieland.
Back for seconds?
After all this time?
Well, what can I say,
but thank you.
You have a lot of choices
when it comes to
zombie entertainment,
and we appreciate
you picking us.
So you know how Eskimos
have a bunch of words for snow?
The only reason we've survived
the last several years
is we've gotten to know
our bloodthirsty enemies
better than we know ourselves.
In the time since
we last saw you,
zombies have evolved,
so we've given them
different names.
This lady here
is getting chased
by the dumbest Z there is,
what we call a Homer.
In a world without YouTube,
who isn't entertained
by a Homer?
D'oh!
Unfortunately, for every Homer,
there's a Hawking,
as in Stephen.
Or maybe his slightly less
accomplished sister, Beatrix,
who's still got some brains
left to figure shit out.
Open, open!
Clever girl.
Okay. Last one.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa,
what was that?
Okay, all right.
Well, this time,
let's play Name That Zombie.
Hello?
Hello?
The Ninja. Silent, deadly.
The first thing you hear
is your own scream.
You can imagine how thrilled we
were to crack the zombie code.
But life is about more
than just survival.
Ever since we were evicted
from our normal lives,
I'd been searching for a place
to put down roots.
My old pal Tallahassee has this
saying, "Go big or go home."
It's not his signature phrase,
but it did give me an idea.
Why not go big...
and go home?
End of passion play
Crumbling away
I'm your source
of self-destruction
Veins that pump with fear
Sucking darkest clear
Leading on
Your death's construction
Taste me
You will see
More is all you need
You're dedicated to
How I'm killing you
Come crawling faster
Obey your master
Your life burns faster
Obey your master
Master
Master of puppets
I'm pulling your strings
Twisting your mind
And smashing your dreams
Blinded by me
You can't see a thing
Just call my name
'Cause I'll hear you scream
Master
Master
Master of puppets
I'm pulling your strings
Twisting your mind
and smashing your...
Hail to
the motherfucking chief.
There are worse places
to hang your hat.
Casa Blanca.
Wait, why does he get
to be president?
I would have made
a damn fine president.
Kissed a few hands,
shook a few babies.
You would have brought
a real dignity to the office.
- Thank you.
- You don't have what it takes.
- I'll be president.
- Heh!
And I nominate Little Rock
as my VP.
So that means
I get to be president
if you get killed by zombies.
That wasn't
what I was thinking
when I offered you
the position, but yes.
I have this rule:
Enjoy the little things.
Which is what we spent
a lot of time doing
in those early days
at the White House.
And it was a really
special time,
making a house our home.
Happy birthday to...
Shooting up, not to.
All right. Nice!
Wichita and I fell into
our own version of domestic bliss.
Well, not quite bliss,
but domesticity to be sure.
Did Abe's blindfold
fall off again?
No, it did not fall off.
I took it off.
It's so creepy.
He stares at us all night.
That stare emancipated
the slaves,
and ended the Civil War.
We should be grateful
he's gawking at us.
Remember what happened the last
time you took the blindfold off?
You made me sleep
on the Lincoln couch?
Mm-hm.
- Is that better?
- Much better.
Good.
I love you so much, baby.
You are so gorgeous.
We really need
to find you someone.
That's where you're wrong.
Any romance left in me
belongs to the Beast here.
Okay. Well, then we need
to find someone for me.
Heh, heh, heh,
shouldn't be a problem,
long as you're open
to dating zombies.
So you're saying what? I'm
never gonna find a boyfriend,
or get married, have a family?
We're you family, so one
out of three ain't bad.
Little Rock had a
strong desire to leave the nest.
And let's just say Tallahassee
wasn't the most understanding
father figure.
Little Rock!
But for better or worse,
we were a family.
And for the first time
since the virus,
we were living somewhere
truly safe,
making every day feel like...
Well, like Christmas morning.
Hello? Ho-ho-ho!
Merry Christmas!
- Hey, Tal.
- Santa.
What would you like for
Christmas, little girl? A pony?
I'd like you to stop calling me
"little girl."
Well, technically, you are
little and you're a girl.
I am not a little girl, but
do you know what I would like?
I don't give a fuck
what you'd like.
Not to
sound too sentimental,
but those days
at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
may have been the best days
of my life,
and that's counting pre-Z.
Wait a second.
Oh, my God. No.
A first-edition Tolkien,
and you wrote in it.
There's my name, marring this
perfectly preserved paper.
Thank you. And yours too.
You didn't stop.
Thank you so much.
It's a bit touching.
Hey, you know, I couldn't
find any wrapping paper,
but don't worry about it.
Just tear it open.
It doesn't matter.
It's only Taft.
He was our fattest president,
so there's a lot left over
if you need some wrapping paper.
Columbus, I didn't get
anything from you.
Just what I wanted.
Another gun.
Oh, hey, well, not just any gun.
A Colt .45.
And not just any Colt .45.
The King's.
- England? Denmark? Lichtenstein?
- There's only one king.
Elvis Aaron fucking Presley,
the greatest who ever lived.
The king of kings.
He gave this gun to Nixon
when he visited the White House,
and I give it to you,
locked and loaded.
Yeah, he used to shoot
that Colt in his backyard.
King's palace,
Memphis, Tennessee.
- I tell you about Graceland?
- Only a hundred times.
We'll go there
together someday.
Actually, I'm gonna go
shoot this right now.
I think I saw some Zs
down by the reflecting pool.
- I'll go with.
- I'll go by myself.
- It's Christmas.
- It's not fucking Christmas.
It's November 17th.
Little Rock was on the
hunt, all right,
for people her own age.
And the thing is,
they were out there.
We just made it a point
to keep our distance.
Which would suck if you
were the one stuck in the nest.
God, this is really terrifying,
but totally unrealistic.
Hm...
Hey, she'll be fine.
Wish she didn't remind me
so much of me.
Hey, come on.
What's wrong with you?
Nothing.
All right.
I wasn't gonna do this now.
Okay. Look, you always say that,
like, I play it too safe,
and I know we've been in,
like, a bit of a rut lately.
So I thought, what better way
to spice things up than to...
Get married?
Yeah, well, I was gonna
say, "Get married!" Yay!
- Is that the Hope diamond?
- I certainly hope it is.
I want you to be Miss Ohio.
Or I guess Mrs. Ohio.
This is unfair.
You know how I feel about this.
- What?
- We've talked about this.
In my limited, but absurdly
painful experience,
married people only do
one thing.
- What, fight? We already do that.
- Get divorced.
I don't see us going that route.
I mean, where would
we find the lawyers?
- I don't know what to say.
- Well, don't say anything. Yet.
- Okay? This was my fault.
- I put you on the spot.
Just think about it, and let me
know whenever you're ready.
Everything will work out
exactly as it's supposed to.
Hey, Buttercup. What's wrong?
Get a little too much eggnog
last night?
- Bad news.
- Bad news?
Well, you know what cancels out
bad news? Good news.
Today is the day
that Wichita says...
Adios.
Hm?
"Dear C and T, we feel
like total shit about leaving.
Sorry, not good at notes.
W and LR."
Well, yeah.
"Not good at notes"
is a pretty huge understatement.
He's gonna take
this Beast thing pretty hard.
Well, he should learn
to not get so attached.
Never get attached.
Remember?
That was the problem
with Columbus,
he got too attached.
Well, with Tallahassee,
it's like
- he thinks he's my dad.
- Sure.
But you are lucky
you don't have a boyfriend.
Have you seen him
use Q-tips?
His bedtime routine
took an hour.
- Stop.
- What? God, sorry.
- No, stop! Stop!
- Oh!
Namaste.
Hi.
Wichita leaving
hit me like a shotgun blast.
So after weeks of feeling sorry
for myself,
I thought a little
retail therapy
might help get her
off my mind.
It's not like
I wanted to start,
wedding planning or anything.
I'm not crazy.
Who wants to get married
in winter? Spring, sure.
- Though my hair and humidity...
- Oh, my God!
Man, I cannot listen
to this shit anymore.
- My God, it's been over a month.
- Yeah, I'm bereft.
Okay, I'm giving you
one more day to mope around,
and then you gotta snap
the fuck out of it.
This whole "finding a home" idea
of yours has made us soft.
And by us, I mean you.
It's high time that we nut up
and hit the road again.
And by we, I mean me.
That's where I belong.
On my own. Lone wolf.
- You're welcome to tag along.
- But when they come back,
- we won't be here.
- They're never coming back!
I got it.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Okay. Uh...
It was good. You shot
your alcohol with your gun.
Not bad, huh?
Hm, no. Not bad,
but definitely no ZKOTY.
ZKOTY,
that is "Zombie Kill of the Year."
Like a junkie in search
of a higher high,
Tallahassee is no longer happy
with Zombie Kill of the Week.
Which, if you're keeping score,
just went to Dave Sanderman
of Riverside, Iowa.
You may wanna set down
the Milk Duds for this one.
You dead, zombie!
Whoo-whee, pig!
Congratulations, Dave.
I never told you this before.
In fact, I never told anybody.
But I have Native American blood
coursing through my veins.
- Like, right now?
- Yeah. Right now.
Blackfoot Indian to be exact.
The freest men in history.
Mid-1800s, roamed the plains,
no houses, no laws,
no possessions,
no chiefs to report to,
no wives to listen to.
They listened...
to the call of the buffalo.
And they hunted
those buffalo
by herding them off the cliff
to their deaths.
- The great buffalo jump.
- Whoa.
I don't know why I never told
anyone about my Blackfoot blood.
I guess it's
a sacred little secret.
Honestly, you're
the first paleface
I have genuinely trusted
because you've always
been there for me.
You care and you listen.
You really listen...
Unless
you're in a 4D theater,
there is no way
I can communicate
how bad Z-land smells,
which is why I like candles
so much.
Today, maybe
a frosty gingerbread
or a Bahama breeze.
Mmm.
Whoa!
Oh, my God! Please forgive me.
It's fake fur!
Oh, God. I'm so sorry.
I thought you were a...
- You thought I was a zombie?
- Yeah. Of course.
Oh, my God, no.
I don't even eat meat.
I'm a vegetarian.
Vegan, actually. Heh.
- Sorry. Hi, I'm Columbus.
- Madison. Heh-heh.
- Oh, hi. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
All right. We're hugging.
So soon. Nice to meet you.
It's nice
to touch a human.
- Don't mind me.
- Oh, hello.
If I can have my body?
Hi, sorry.
This is Tallahassee.
This is Madison.
- Madison, Tallahassee.
- Is this your dad?
For shit's sake, slightly older,
better-looking friend.
- Ha, ha, cute.
- You live here?
No, Paul Blart. I live in the
freezer in Pinkberry, mm-hm.
It keeps the zombies out,
though it is awfully chilly.
Do you ever consider
turning it off?
Couldn't find the switch
anywhere.
Just hoping the electricity
would run out.
It's amazing. As long as it
rains, the dams give us power.
Apparently not brain power.
I feel like
you're being super judgy.
Like, I'm getting
a real anti-me vibe off of you.
- Are you?
- Oh, my God. There it was again.
- Yeah, I saw it.
- And that's hurtful, okay?
I'm, like, really good
at surviving.
I carry a can of mace
with me everywhere I go.
And I can run really, really,
really, really fast.
Probably because I used to do
hot yoga and SoulCycle.
Cardio! Sorry, I do
a lot of cardio too.
It's actually my number one
rule, which is so dorky.
But I have a list of rules
for surviving Zombieland.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- So do I!
- You have rules
- for surviving Zombieland?
- Mine is just mostly
- stay in the freezer.
- Oh.
You know, we set up camp,
like, down the road
at the White House.
The White House?
Oh, my God.
Would you wanna come hang out?
- I would love that.
- Cool.
Okay. How many rules
do you have?
- You wanna know about my rules?
- I wanna hear all of them.
- Well, number two is double tap.
- Double tap.
- Double tap, yes.
- Double tap you.
- You got me. I'm murdered.
- Ha-ha-ha.
Okay, yeah,
I know what you're thinking.
She's absolutely not my type.
But after Wichita
broke my heart,
I was just excited
to talk to somebody
who smelled like a candle,
and not whiskey and gunpowder.
So Wichita and
Little Rock left.
It was just us guys again.
You know, bachelors.
This guy. You know,
making a mess.
Which actually brings me
to rule number 53, Wet-Naps.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
I can't believe that you keep
all this stuff in your head.
Heh, thank you.
- It's amazing.
- Thank you.
- You know, you're really lucky.
- What?
That you found someone so smart
to take care of you.
Most people your age,
they get left all by themselves,
and that can be so sad.
- Yeah. I am so lucky.
- Oh!
Can we have a little summit
in the Oval Office?
Yeah, sure.
You guys, I can't believe
we're in the White House.
This is soy random.
You got to broom this girl.
You know why she's still alive?
Because zombies eat brains,
and she ain't got any!
All right? It doesn't matter
because I'm hitting
the road come sunup.
- Columbus?
- Yes?
Could you maybe give me a tour?
Whoa, this is the Oval Office.
Why do they call it that?
- You ready?
- You ready?
- I'm ready too.
- I'm ready.
- Great.
- Too.
- Let's go.
- He's kind of funny.
Yeah, he's great.
Try not to speak to him.
Okay.
The main attraction.
Ta-da, the Lincoln bedroom.
Believe it or not,
Lincoln never even slept here.
I didn't actually
want a tour, silly.
- What? Oh.
- Hi.
Hi.
Mm-mm, mm-mm.
- What's the matter?
- I don't know.
- Don't you think that I'm pretty?
- Yes, you're very pretty.
You're like, "Girl
in Apartment 406" pretty.
I just... I feel
kind of guilty.
Because of Jesus?
I know ways around that.
- No, no. I... Please. I can't.
- Okay, look,
I've been alone in a freezer
for years.
So either we're doing
this right now,
or I am biting the bullet,
and I am doing the old guy.
Okay.
God! You're so hot!
Oh my God!
- It's the humidity.
- Oh, yes!
Holy...
Nutting up, definitely
not shutting up.
Yeah!
- Aah! Oh, shit!
- Oh! Whoa!
Sorry, it's Washington's
old flintlock.
It's a gift to Eisenhower
from the emperor of Japan.
Oh, touch.
- I heard a strange noise.
- Yeah.
I've been hearing
some strange noises too.
Oh, yeah. That was us
having sex.
Rule number one.
Yeah, maybe rule number 32
for her.
What? Hey.
Okay. Ready?
- Go!
- Okay, let's go. Come on.
Oh, fuck. Shit.
- Honey, I'm home.
- Oh, my God, you're back.
I mean, you're back
or whatever. That's cool.
I'm not staying.
I came to get weapons.
At 1:00 in the morning?
Yeah, after a month missing.
Little Rock's gone.
It was great. It felt so good
to be on the move again.
We've been having a really
good time here too. Together.
We picked up someone new.
Just a boy.
He's a couple years older
than Little Rock,
and he's from Berkeley.
- Berkeley?
- Mm-hm.
Don't worry about a thing
- You said Berkeley?
- Yes.
Berke-fucking-ley?
- 'Cause every little thing
- He plays the guitar.
Shut the fuck up right now!
I know what you're about
to tell me.
She's dating a musician!
Come on, don't you think you're,
like, overreacting a little bit?
Yeah. Yeah. No, I could be
overreacting.
I'm... I'm sorry.
You're right.
You go ahead.
And he's a pacifist.
He has survived
on a strict policy
of conflict avoidance,
like Gandhi.
No!
No!
Birkenstocks, sandals,
wheatgrass!
Fucking basketballs!
No, I really... I have
nothing against pacifists.
I just wanna beat
the shit out of them.
This is my message to you
Wow, I mean...
You have a beautiful voice.
- Thank you very much. Thank you.
- Yeah.
Hey, have you ever heard
of this place, Graceland?
Elvis was a fraud.
He ripped off the black man.
Oh. I... I don't know. I've just
always wanted to go there.
Yeah, me too. Yeah.
- Graceland would be cool.
- Yeah. Yeah, it would be.
I was adamant
it was a dumb idea,
so I did what I never do
with her, I told her no.
You can guess
what happened next.
She left a note,
and then she hit the road.
Does anyone else
get the irony in that? Huh?
I'm so worried, you guys.
They're traveling
all that way,
and all they have
is a fucking guitar.
Yeah, with no intention
of ever swinging it at anything.
You know, because
he's a hippie.
She's supposed to be
killing the dead,
- not following them.
- Oh, God.
There's something going on
out there.
- What?
- Berkeley told us
about this new kind of zombie
that's stronger, and faster,
and deadlier and better
adapted to the hunt.
I'm sorry, but that
sounds totally made up.
If you want us to come
with you, just ask us.
Honestly, I just came back
for guns and ammunition.
Come on. Stop begging.
We'll do it.
You know, this is
all your fault.
- Me?
- If you hadn't pushed her away...
Well,
not exactly, no.
I didn't just run
from him.
She ran from you too.
What?
You... You mean well,
but you're...
kind of overbearing.
Oh, right.
I'm overbearing?
She's not a kid
anymore.
Yeah, she's not a kid,
but I don't know,
it sounds like
she needs us.
Whatever.
We're gonna go get her.
We ride at dawn.
Once she's safe,
I'm going my own way.
So no goodbye,
just like...
- Yeah, I'm terrible at notes.
- A lame note.
Yeah, I know. You mentioned
that in the note.
Uh, I, uh...
I might have overreacted
a little bit.
I mean, the proposal
kind of spooked me.
Mm-hm.
You know what
I'm trying to say.
Oh, God. I'm sorry.
You know how hard it is
for me to say that
because I hate women
who are always apologizing
for things they have
no reason to apologize for.
But in this particular instance,
I actually am really sorry.
Well, thank you.
That actually does mean a lot.
I don't know.
Maybe this could be like a...
Like a turning point for us.
Yeah, maybe.
Columbus,
you coming back to bed?
Wow.
Oh... Oh, boy.
I mean, wow!
Glad we had this little talk.
Real turning point.
Hi.
- Is that your sister?
- Oh, fuck.
You definitely
don't need any help.
- No, I've got it.
- Cool.
The Beast is back.
I cannot wait to get my hands
behind the...
What the fuck?
No, no, no, no, no.
No way is that GD minivan
even sniffing at Graceland,
home to perhaps
America's finest automobile,
Elvis' 1955 Fleetwood Series 60.
No. You know, it takes a real
man to drive a pink Cadillac.
Might make that
a rule of my own.
On second thought, fuck that,
rules are for pussies.
Nothing personal.
How could it not be?
That's my thing.
Yeah, you're right.
It was personal.
Yeah. It's gonna be okay.
Even Tallahassee knows
beggars can't be choosers.
Vehicles with working batteries
and parts
are way scarcer nowadays,
thanks to years
of neglect and decline.
Breakaway mirror.
We can't be so picky anymore.
- Clear.
- What? Oh, okay.
- Booyah.
- Okay.
Heh!
- This never happened.
- I'll get the door.
I got it.
I'm gonna lay in the back.
- Oh, catch.
- Oh!
Shoot. Heh, I got it!
What in the butt?
- Ah, shit.
- What?
- Hi!
- Hi.
Are we dropping her off
at an animal shelter
or something?
She's a human being.
We're not gonna
leave her here alone.
We can't
just leave Columbus' girlfriend.
Okay.
A minivan. Nice.
I'm not gonna feel guilty.
You left me in
the harshest way.
You recovered quickly.
- Well, thank you.
- Can you help me?
- I got it.
- Okay.
- It's just, like, heavy.
- No problem.
- Thank you.
- Go ahead, get in.
Okay. You are so nice.
Ah, Makkapitew, Askuwheteau,
Sunukkuhkau...
Is he having a seizure?
I'm trying out
Blackfoot names,
so full shushy or you
go back in your mall fridge.
Okay.
Oh, I didn't tell you.
We met at the mall.
- Mm.
- Yeah. I was living there.
Like Dawn of the Dead.
Last I checked,
it's the post-acropolis.
It was so sad when
the acropolis struck.
Yeah, I know.
Madison, can you remind me,
when we first met,
did you point a gun at me
and steal my car?
No. When we first met,
I told you
you were really smart.
- Oh, yeah.
- And then I slept with you.
That's right. You did.
Road trip! Here we go!
This is gonna be a long drive.
I love the smell of
gunpowder in the morning.
Eh, I'm more of
a patchouli oil guy myself.
You don't...
You don't have weed, do you?
I've always wanted to smoke
way too much weed.
Do I look like
the type of person
that would have weed on me?
Oh, no. I w... That...
I'm sorry, that was...
- Boom, yeah.
- Ha! Oh.
- Of course I do. Oh, I love weed.
- You got me there.
- Look. I mean, look at me.
- Yeah.
I wanted to say it's really nice
to have another woman around.
Yeah.
Like to talk
about relationships.
- Recipes.
- Rings.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, shit.
I know! I found it
in the bedside drawer.
I think it belonged
to the first lady or...
You know what?
I think you're right.
It did belong
to the first lady.
Well, I think it was given
to the first lady,
but she heartlessly
rejected it.
What kind of idiot would
turn down a ring like this?
Maybe an idiot who didn't
wanna be weighed down.
Anchored. Chained
to something immobile.
Hmm...
- Oh, shit. Are you okay?
- Oh, shoot!
Forgot the seatbelt rule.
So she knows the rules?
Yeah, I told her
just a few of them.
- Seventy-three. Are there more?
- Nope, that's it.
- I gotta check this out.
- You guys have spent
a lot of time together, huh?
That's sweet.
You're cute together.
I like it.
Oh!
This looks promising.
He's so flexible.
That's what's so great
about him. He's very bendy.
Ohio, whenever
you're done with that...
What? Yeah.
Ah!
What? No. No, no, no.
No way. Nonstarter.
You know how I feel
about clowns.
- No, not that.
- What?
- That.
- Oh.
- Looks good.
- Mm.
- Can I see?
- Hm?
Can I see?
Yeah. Here you go. Yeah.
- The old man is so tiny.
- Can you see that?
What's-his-name,
you're so tiny.
Now you're not.
Now you are.
Now you're not. Now you are.
Now you're not. Now you are.
Now you're not.
Tiny. Big. Tiny!
- She is adorable.
- She is. I'm lucky.
Tiny. Big. Tiny.
You're overreacting, okay?
Madison's not
a real thing.
It was just circumstance.
It was a lack of options.
You could say
the same thing about us.
- What?
- Circumstance, lack of options.
Really? You really think that?
Whereas you two seem
like soul mates.
Destined to share
deep thoughts.
Maybe you're right,
maybe we are soul mates.
Because she's nice, all right?
And I'm nice.
And you're not.
You're mean.
- Whatever. I'm not mean.
- Yeah, you're kind of mean.
Well, my sister is missing.
She could be dead.
You're screwing
some Forever 21-year-old.
So if I wanna be mean,
I'll be mean.
I don't have
the right shoes.
Oh, you could borrow
a pair of my strappy sandals.
- Really?
- Mm-hm.
Kidding. You... She was ki...
You guys are all very sarcastic.
Yeah, they're not nice people.
Sorry. Just try to ignore them.
- Yeah. Yeah. Ignore us.
- Please, God, ignore us.
Ah, see? Mean.
All right!
This is what
I'm talking about.
We're finally gonna be
riding in style.
I partied with 3 Doors Down
in one of these. It was so...
Oh, shit.
What?
Man, we're getting
good at this.
- Columbus.
- Tallahassee.
- The hood is 12 o'clock.
- Yes.
Trunk is 6. You're our eyes.
Hey, don't worry,
you guys.
They are much more afraid of us
than we are of them.
God, that is not even
remotely true.
- Well, what do I do?
- You know how cheerleaders
- form a pyramid?
- Yeah.
And the three on the bottom
- anchor the pyramid?
- Oh, yeah.
I don't give a shit what you do,
just stay out of my way.
Okay, 8 o'clock. Eight o'clock.
Did you say the front was 12?
Oh, fuck me. Sorry. Two o'clock.
Eleven! Eleven! Seven-thirty!
Six o'clock. Six!
I'll get 6.
Uh, shit. One-fifteen.
One-thirteen, 1:20.
It's moving that way.
Why is everyone
shouting numbers?
Eleven!
- Twelve!
- Six!
Two o'clock!
Eight.
- Six o'clock.
- Shit.
One o'clock. Six-thirty.
Ten! Eight!
- Eight!
- Shit.
Shit!
- Narsty!
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
One o'clock! Two-thirty.
Three! One!
Okay. I'll get 3.
Right on time, Columbus.
One o'clock! Ten-thirty!
Eleven! Eleven!
Actually, it's a Homer.
Abort! Abort 11.
Don't waste a bullet.
- Hawking! Hawking!
- What? Oh, shit!
Yay!
- Aah, he's trying to bite me!
- Ninja! Ninja!
Oh, my God!
You saved me.
All right. Settle down.
- Hey, Tal, 1 o'clock.
- Pardon me, Pop-Tart.
Not quite done yet.
What the fuck?
Try to dodge me, motherfucker.
This was our first T-800,
named for the Terminator
it-fucking-self.
Uh...
- Tal?
- Yup?
T-800s were a
mutated strain of zombie,
stronger, deadlier
and harder to kill.
One plus one
is still two, right?
They were the apex
predator, top of the food chain.
Single-minded and relentless
like their namesake,
once they locked on
to a target,
T-800s stopped at nothing
to devour their prey.
What the ever-loving fuck?
Ew.
Seeing that T-800 firsthand
was all the more worrisome
knowing that Little Rock
was out there
with nothing but a hippie
and a guitar.
Like a rollin' stone
Okay.
That song is amazing.
Did you write that?
Wa... Was that a dumb question?
Sorry, I was like 11
when the zombies took over.
Not a dumb question.
I was laughing
because you think
I'd play some
stupid cover song.
Of course I wrote it.
If you love that,
then you're really
gonna love this.
But it's a work in progress,
so be gentle.
If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
I
must be traveling Onward...
- A poem by Tallahassee.
- Ah!
Traveling to Graceland
In comfort and class
That Pontiac Trans Sport
Can kiss my ass
- Very good! Very good.
- Here we go, baby! Woo-hoo!
Let's go see the King
and let's go get Little Rock!
'Cause I'm as free...
- Did... Did we just get...
- Shorter?
I say we take the clown car.
No, no, no. No!
That is a deal-breaker.
No fucking clowns!
In moments of great dishonor
such as this,
ancient samurai warriors
were required to commit seppuku,
or ritual suicide
by disembowelment.
My mom had this car.
- So did mine.
- So did mine.
Fucking minivan.
Back on the road, yay!
I've always wanted
to start a business
where strangers drive strangers
around in their car
- for money.
- Mm.
Let's say you were really
drunk and needed a ride home.
You'd just get online
and hop right in
with a stranger.
And they'd take you
anywhere you wanna go.
- Oh, yeah. Who then kills you.
- Yeah. Ha, ha!
They'd have gum
or, like, lollipops.
That was what my parents
taught me.
They were like, "If a stranger
offers you candy or gum,
get in their car."
Great idea.
If they try to murder you,
you can have a system
so you can rate them.
If they try to murder you,
like, "You get zero points."
But if they don't try to murder
you, "You get five points."
Madison, I think it is
a very good idea.
That's... No, I cannot
see that going wrong.
All I'm saying is the
taxi industry was very flawed.
- Mm, oop...
- Are you okay?
I think I'm, like, hot.
I'm hot.
- Yeah?
- Mm-hm.
I'm used to being in
the freezer all the time.
- Get this off.
- Yeah. Sure. That makes sense.
I feel funny. My tongue...
My tongue... My tongue...
Boss?
You're gonna wanna pull over.
- No.
- Pull over.
We're making good progress.
- Ugh!
- Pull over!
- Yeah.
- Okay. Okay.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Chunkage.
Maybe she'll pull through.
What? You are the one
who says "don't take chances."
So who wants do the honors?
I mean, personally,
I wouldn't mind,
but I don't want
you guys calling me selfish.
Hey, come on. She is a living,
thinking being. Okay?
She's a living being.
Look, I know you guys
are in love or whatever,
but in two minutes,
she's gonna become a:
A zombie, not a velociraptor.
And it's the right thing to do.
If you love something,
you shoot it in the face
so it doesn't become
a flesh-eating monster.
I know.
She's making a good point.
Maybe it's time for you to be
the Brave Little Toaster.
They say when
something bad happens,
you have three choices:
Let it define you, destroy you,
or strengthen you.
Time to teach Lennie
about the rabbits.
No! Don't come with me!
Don't come with me!
Madison, Madison, please.
- Madison, please. Please, please.
- Don't hurt me!
- No, no, no!
- Wait. Listen to me!
- Please. Wait.
- No, no, no!
- Madison, just wait.
- I'm a monster.
- I'm a monster.
- Please, please.
Listen. I realize we don't
know each other that well.
I mean, well, we do
in the biblical sense, yes.
But I think you're
a really great person.
Well, not now.
I'm sorry.
Thanks.
Can we just, uh...
I'm so sorry.
All right. Just...
Come on, come on, let's go.
I'm not gonna lie and say
that I'm broken up
about it, but, um...
- I am sorry.
- Yeah.
- She didn't deserve that.
- Thanks, man.
He's right. That's a terrible
way to go, even for...
- It's....
- Oh, come on. It's Madison.
- You know that.
- Madison!
You know that, okay?
Her name is Madison.
Or her name was Madison.
And she was a real person, okay?
She had, you know,
complex feelings
and emotions and interests.
She liked dolphins and rainbows,
you know? And double rainbows.
- I'm agreeing. It's sad.
- Okay.
That is obviously not
what I wanted.
- What is it that you do want?
- I wanna find my sister.
Me too.
- Good.
- Good.
- Good. Great. Awesome.
- Great, in fact. Great.
This is gonna be
a long drive.
This is it.
Hey, little buddy,
don't be cruel to me
for waking you up,
but we're here.
Oh. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Every choice I've ever
made in my life
has been leading me
to this moment right here,
right now,
3764 Elvis Presley Boulevard.
I feel like a 1954 teenybopper.
And here comes...
No.
No, no, no!
Hey, dude, if you need,
like, a moment or...
Oh, my God. No Graceland.
No Beast.
- No Little Rock.
- No Little Rock?
Am I not allowed
one cock-sucking duck-fucking
little break in this world?
You're not the only one
that's upset.
Just... Just drive.
Drive, drive. Drive now!
Get away from here. Go!
Graceland was a pile of rubble,
Little Rock was still missing,
and we were unsure
of our next move.
But sometimes, you just have
to follow the signs.
Hm.
Well, when Z-land
serves you lemons...
Hey, Florida, 11 o'clock.
What?
- Hound Dog Hotel.
- Oh, what a bunch of bull.
- Whoa, the Beast!
- Little Rock!
Damn. Wow,
for a place
that ain't Graceland,
it sure looks a hell
of a lot like Graceland.
- Yeah, it does.
- Here's the idea.
We'll split up.
I'll go this way.
No, no, no.
I should talk to her.
I'm her sister. I'll talk to
her first. You guys stay here.
Mm, sound.
- Huh.
- Buh, buh, buh, buh.
- Little respect.
- Why? He's dead probably.
Oh. Oh, for you. Okay.
- This is so degrading.
- It's not for me.
Yeah, I know.
Okay.
- Oh, yeah.
- Smells like a wet dog died.
- That's not... Push it.
- I am.
- Square peg, round hole. Stop.
- Yeah, okay. Sorry.
Oh, my God. It's uncanny.
This is incredible.
It's a perfect fit. I feel
like Cinderella at the ball.
Are you jealous that I have
the same size shoe as Elvis?
No. It's not like those
are Elvis' actual shoes.
Sorry.
Well, I never been to Spain
Little Rock?
The ladies are insane
And they don't have it easy
Well, I never been
To heaven...
Ow!
- Start talking.
- Ah, you first.
- Hi, my name's Tallahassee.
- Nevada.
- Which part?
- Nevada's as close as you get.
Now, what are you doing
in the Hound Dog?
I got a thing for the King.
No, no,
don't shoot my friends.
- Anybody else in here with you?
- No, just us.
We're all civilized people.
Let's just put the guns down.
Why the hell are you wearing
Elvis' actual shoes?
Comfort.
- You live here?
- Yeah.
So that car out front, the girl
who was driving it, is she...
Gone. She and that poser
peace lover of hers...
- Berkeley.
- Berkeley.
...took off a few days ago.
And trust me,
they shouldn't have.
It's not safe out there.
- Damn it.
- Why didn't they take the Beast?
He said it was
too "establishment."
Oh, I will kill
that little fart snack myself.
You're lucky I didn't do
the same to you.
Seriously. You know how close
I came to Murraying you?
To what-ing him?
Murraying him. You know,
when you shoot someone
because you think
they're a zombie.
Apparently, that's
how Bill Murray died.
Wow, God, who's Bill Murray?
I never...
I don't even know
what that is.
Oh, the actor.
That's so sad.
I don't read Variety.
That's sad.
Sorry if you knew him.
If you didn't, I'm still sorry.
It's sad when anybody dies.
Sounds like an urban legend.
- It happened.
- I doubt it. It's weird. What?
I'll say this about Murray,
if I ever find out who did him,
I'm gonna do him.
Me too. I'll be...
You first, but me second.
Don't listen to this guy.
He's killed more
celebrities than cocaine.
The girl that was here before,
did she say
where she was going?
No, but that idiot Berkeley
wouldn't shut up about it.
Babylon is a commune,
safe haven,
protected on all sides.
Completely pacifist.
No guns or violence of any kind.
A lot of young people too,
you know.
Generation Z living
in peace and harmony.
- It sounds cool.
- I know you had your heart set
on this Graceland, but this
is mucho, mucho better.
This is a very good replica
of the King's Jungle Room,
where he recorded
his last two albums.
From Elvis Presley Boulevard,
Memphis, Tennessee and...
And Moody Blue.
You know your Elvis.
Every lover of the King
has a story.
What's yours?
My mama took me to see Elvis
when I was a kid.
Something about him.
Attitude, the music...
The hips, the ass.
Well, I was 10,
but with Elvis,
there is something
for everyone.
Cut to later,
I'm in high school.
And my buddy
Frankie Hammond says, uh:
"Do your Elvis."
I said, "We're in the library.
It's gonna be loud."
He convinces me. He starts
tapping his pencil,
and I get up.
You ain't nothing
But a hound dog
Crying all the time
Bo, bo, doo-de-doo
Everybody starts gathering
around and clapping,
and I jumped on a table.
I finish off with a flourish.
You ain't never
Caught a rabbit
You ain't no friend of mine
Yeah! And the whole place,
thunderous applause.
And up comes the cutest girl
in the school,
Robin Rogers, who never
gave me the time of day before.
She plants a kiss
on my cheek.
And for a moment, just one,
I felt like the King.
I suddenly feel a little jealous
of Robin Rogers.
You don't say.
I don't know about you...
...but I feel my temperature
rising.
Mm.
This is Babylon.
Oh, like those ancient
hanging gardens.
- Huh?
- Of Babylon.
No, no. It's named
for that cool David Gray song.
Man, I wish I'd written
that one.
No guns allowed
is our one rule.
- That, and no group sex.
- All right. Hand them over.
Here you go.
No guns. No guns.
Just hugs.
Then welcome.
Come on, seorita.
You're gonna love this place.
It's completely safe
and entirely organic.
- This is so cool.
- All right.
We're gonna melt your guns here
and give you a pendant.
- They melt it?
- Yeah.
It's a symbolic thing.
Goodbye, violence.
Hello, peace.
Once we're done,
we'll take you up
to the rooftop.
I hope you like stairs.
That's good.
- Thanks.
- Welcome to Babylon.
Let me show you the way.
Aw, right on.
Hey, brother. What's up?
- Hi.
- Yeah.
Wake
up, my little blue suede baby.
It's now or never. Ooh!
My friends say you're sleeping
like a tired pup.
What the fuck?
Shit.
Oh, no, no, no!
This is not happening!
This is not fucking happening!
Hey, motherfucker,
that's my ride!
Oh, my apologies,
tiny Elvis.
Just didn't expect anything
to be parked in my driveway.
Your driveway?
That's right. My driveway.
Well, that's funny.
When I parked in it,
no one told me to pull out.
Well, actually,
it's my driveway.
Hey, Nevada.
But see, when I'm
in town, I use it.
Well, I'm in town now,
and I'm using it.
Keep talking like this,
and I can arrange
so neither of you
ever uses my driveway again.
I don't think they're talking
about the driveway.
No, I don't think so.
- You happy now? Good move.
- Satisfied? Good job.
- Does he remind you of...?
- Yeah, it's weird.
I don't like you at all.
It's not weird,
it's creepy.
It's like
an un-funhouse mirror.
I think you double-parked
or more perpendicular-parked.
- Hope we don't get a ticket.
- Whoa.
- Calm down.
- I'm just ragging you.
- What is going on here?
- What?
- What do you mean, "what"?
- What?
- Does he not remind you of...?
- Hello, everyone.
Of... Of what?
- This is Albuquerque.
- Howdy.
- I'm Flagstaff.
- Hey. I'm Columbus.
Oh, great.
Uh, this is Tallahassee,
Wichita,
- and I guess you know Nevada.
- Yes, I do.
Easy, cowboy.
So sorry about your ex-car.
I guess, as I like to say,
expect the unexpected.
- It's one of my commandments.
- Oh.
- Commandments?
- Yeah. Sort of guidelines
for staying alive.
I've got loads of them.
- Hm, interesting.
- Number one is teamwork.
Teamwork. That's so great.
I spent a long time
thinking about it.
I have rules, you know,
which is, like, less biblical.
I love rules. Without rules,
everything's chaos.
- Thank you.
- Columbus has quite a few rules.
- I do.
- Awesome. Like what?
- I don't wanna toot my own horn.
- Go on, toot.
- Let me toot for him. Uh...
- Thank you.
- Number one, cardio.
- That's right.
Cardio. Okay.
- What?
- I don't mean to laugh.
It's just that cardiovascular
fitness is his number 29,
meaning he has
28 other commandments
that he finds more important,
like, say, what's one
of your great ones?
Number 12. The world
is your bathroom, meaning
you can whip it out wherever
you want, and have at it.
Oh, just whip it out
wherever you want!
That sounds a little uncouth.
The "whip it out" part's
for guys, obviously.
If you're a woman,
you can reveal it.
- Whichever.
- I have beware of bathrooms.
Yeah, I'm just generally
careful around them.
But it's not a competition.
- No, doesn't have to be.
- But number 18 is limber up.
- But that's...
- That's fine. I have warm up.
Again, not a competition,
but commandment number 45
for me is, well,
mind your manners.
Just because
it's the apocalypse
doesn't mean
you have to be rude.
Keep your hands
to yourself, number 42.
Do you have sunscreen?
- Just shade.
- Shade. Of course.
It's free. It's everywhere.
Yeah. Number two, double tap.
I have number five,
confirm your kill.
- Confirm your kill.
- Avoid perishables.
- Do you have that?
- Sorry. Ziploc bags.
- Same thing, different word.
- Yeah. Exactly.
I probably would shy away
from the word "Ziploc"
because I try
to avoid name brands.
Okay, great. So, what brought
you guys back so soon?
We was headed for the Rockies,
but the goddamn Bolts...
- Bolts?
- Yeah.
The zombies
out on the plains.
They're a lot tougher
than what we're used to.
I guess because of all
the running and hunting.
So we call them Bolts,
as in Usain.
As in pretty fucking athletic.
No, that makes total sense.
- We call them T-800s.
- Terminator. Yes! I love it.
Really?
Yes. My favorite movie.
Well, T2.
Yeah, T2 is my
second favorite movie.
- What's number one?
- Uh, it's Fantasia.
Well, anyhow,
the Bolts' food sources
are running low,
so they're pushing east,
which is no bueno.
You know what else
is no bueno?
You murdered the Beast.
Yeah, well, let me
call AAA for you.
I'm sure they'll be right over.
So you have to play
your cards as...
Whoo, that onesie was starting
to cut off my circulation.
- To your vagina?
- Your vagina.
What'll you have, Florida?
He strikes me as
the, uh, lemon drop type.
You know, something with an
umbrella or something like that.
I heard "something with
an umbrella." Make it two.
Three please. Three.
So that's your sidekick.
That's my partner.
You might look
at Flagstaff and think:
"Oh, he's a little slight,
diminutive."
Effeminate even, but he's
a real beast in battle. Yeah.
Come on. You're being sweet.
You sweet, sweet man. Thank you.
- Well, I love you.
- Love you too.
Yeah, you know, Tubbs
to my Crockett over here.
He may look a little bookish,
but he's an animal too.
He eats zombies for breakfast,
shits them out by lunch.
Cheers.
He shits out
everything by lunch.
What the hell was that?
They must have
followed you.
Oh, God, those are T-800s.
Or at the very least T-700s.
- There was no T-700.
- Yeah, T-800's the first model.
This is great,
having the two of you.
Okay.
Time to nut up or shut up.
That saying's very 2009.
- Okay. We got this.
- Ho!
You don't send a boy
to do a man's job.
We brought them here.
We'll take care of it.
Yeah, you know what?
Have at 'em.
You have a safe word
in case things go bad?
Heh, that's good.
Come on, Flag,
let's show these fuckers
how it's done.
Sure. You got it, boss.
Hasta la vista, baby.
Terminator 2.
- Remember?
- Ready, buddy?
He's so cool.
Whoo, heh, heh!
Suck these bullets!
Come on! Get you some!
Anybody else find those
two uniquely annoying?
- Get it!
- Uniquely? No.
Well, I don't love
their chances.
They ignored rule 52,
don't be afraid to ask for help.
Get fucked in the face, bitch!
- Flagstaff?
- Yeah, boss?
You made the all-star team
today. I mean, no kidding.
Unbelievable job.
And is it me,
or are those Bolts
they're just getting meaner
by the day?
- They're full-blown dickheads.
- I got an action shot of you
that's going right
into the scrapbook.
This is gonna be a good one.
You just keep raising the bar,
and that's why we will continue
to ride these highways together.
- I'm so proud of you.
- I learned from the best.
- Oh, come on now.
- Nice work, Querq.
Thank you. Thank you.
This is gonna be
a hell of a shot. Ha, ha!
It's so cool he let you
wear the hat.
- Querq?
- Yeah?
I think you got
a little something here.
Oh, what, that?
Oh, yeah, that's just...
That's just a tattoo.
Sorry, you got a tattoo
of a zombie bite?
No, it's just a tattoo
I got one night in Bernalillo.
Huh.
All right, everybody.
Just take it easy.
Everything's fine.
Nevada, why don't you whip up
some of your signature...
All right.
That was a little weird, huh?
- Yeah.
- All right. Just calm down.
We'll just
have a drink, you know.
So we can just kind
of celeb... Celeb...
Excuse me. It's okay.
It's just nerves
from the fight. Just...
Uh, you guys, I think
Albuquerque might be infected.
Me? I'm infected?
You got bit twice.
- Ah, Flagstaff!
- No, no. That's a lie.
Trust me. Okay? Trust me.
I don't get bit.
I never get bit.
I don't get bit either.
We're slippery.
- See?
- I know. Are you okay?
- I'm fine. I'm totally fine.
- You are?
- I'm fine.
- Okay, he's fine. He's fine.
No, he's not fine. No.
No. You're starting to look
like a T-800. Terminator 2.
No. No, no, no!
No!
Aah!
Move! Move!
Get out of the way.
Aah! Aah!
Ow!
No! No!
Flagstaff, you're breaking
like 10 commandments right now!
This is for what you did
to the Beast! Unh!
Sorry!
- How you doing?
- Bad!
- How are you?
- Bad!
Sorry, shoes. Sorry, Elvis.
Oh, shit. Oh!
- How you doing now?
- Still bad! You wanna switch?
Switch?
How would that benefit me?
Shit!
- Help! Shoot him! Shoot him!
- I don't wanna hit you!
Shit.
Gun, gun, gun! Oh, shit!
Stop shooting! I got this!
Great, because I'm reloading!
Don't swing! Don't swing!
Don't swing! Swing!
Shit!
No, no, no, not me!
Not me! Oh, fuck!
Hasta la vista, baby.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Those guys are dicks.
Great job.
Thank you.
- Ah. Can I wear the hat?
- Oh, negatory.
- Cool.
- Zombie Kill of the Year?
Mm, sorry.
Not with the performance just turned in
by Matteo Bianchi
of Pisa, Italy.
Yeah, yeah. That Pisa.
Bravisimmo, Mateo.
Ahh, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!
Jesus, Big Fat Death is right.
That thing is, like,
a huge rollover risk.
It is.
Hey, dude, I think you should
ask her to come with us.
- No, no, no.
- Come on, yes.
I think they make
a nice match.
Look, what have I been
telling you guys?
I'm trying to shed baggage,
not pick it up.
- Yeah.
- Besides, she wouldn't do that.
She's not the type.
Stay safe,
Sunshine State.
Excuse me.
Stay dangerous, Nevada.
Okay. Hey, no offense, but
my sister is still out there.
Wanna hit the old road.
If by some miracle
you don't die...
there's always room
in my driveway.
I best stay alive.
Okay, you're back. Good.
Do you know how to drive
one of these things?
I'm gonna just pop that puppy
off of there
and then you guys can jump in.
Nice.
She's a big old stallion,
but I can tame her.
Whoo!
Oh, shit.
- I think he's got the hang of it.
- Shit!
- No. No, no.
- No, no, no.
Goddamn motherfucker!
Got it.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Maybe you should
leave a note.
That's your department.
I... I just can't do it.
Yeah. I'll drive.
What was that?
Satisfying.
Teamwork. Always put
the team first.
I can't believe
I didn't have that. Stupid.
You know, if Flagstaff
was so great,
then where was
the undeniably gorgeous
but emotionally inaccessible
Kansas City?
I don't know. Maybe she split
because she thought
they had a random relationship.
Or maybe she was
just about to come back
under the thinly veiled cover
of needing guns and ammo.
Wait,
what are you getting at?
I think you're smart enough
to figure it out...
Oh, my God.
You gotta be kidding me.
You gotta be kidding me.
You gotta be kidding me!
You gotta be fucking
kidding me.
Why the hell
is she still alive?
Oh, my God, I literally
missed you guys. Yay!
Oh, my God.
Whoa!
Just... No, just look ahead.
Hi, old guy!
Let's hang out.
- Ha-ha-ha!
- It is so weird to see you.
The last time I saw you,
you were like a...
- You were a zombie.
- I wish.
Stupid nut allergy.
- Nut allergy? Oh.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I think it was
the trail mix Wichita gave me.
Who knew there were nuts
in trail mix.
Not me. I thought it was vegan.
I kept trying to tell you
it was only an allergic
reaction, but you thought
- I was trying to bite you.
- Yeah, well...
- Not that you minded last time.
- Mm.
Thank you for shooting
over my head.
I was really just trying
to scare you off.
You're not gonna get rid
of me that easy.
- Oh, no!
- Ha-ha-ha.
There I was, hiding in
the woods, when I thought:
"I used to live in a freezer,
so why not a freezer on wheels?"
Can't argue
with that logic.
I really miss this.
Was that sarcasm?
Was it?
Mm-hm.
Why wouldn't we
just move to an island?
That's a really
good idea.
Then there
wouldn't be zombies.
- Right.
- Of course.
We should go
to Temptation Island.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey.
- What?
- Hey, hey.
- Hey, hey. Hey, hey.
- Hey, hey.
Just... Just eyes
on the road.
Do you want me to change
the CD or anything?
Is this a CD playing?
- Yeah. It's Port...
- What is this?
It's Portishead.
- This is Portishead?
- Yeah. You know what's funny?
I used to think
it was called "Portashed"
until I went to one of
the concerts, and she explained.
Yeah, I would think
"Portasheed."
- Right. Yeah, that's funny.
- Yeah.
It was obvious to me
that Wichita and I
were meant to be together,
which is why Madison's return
could not have been
worse timing.
Of course, I was glad
she wasn't a zombie.
But couldn't she have just
gone back to her mall fridge?
Hey. Hey, look,
look, look. Look.
Look.
We made it to Baby-lon.
If you hear more than
the usual excitement in my voice,
it's for two reasons.
One, we may have caught up
to Little Rock,
for real this time.
And two, we may have
finally found our forever home,
which is what I've been
looking for all along.
- Whoa, Babylon.
- I love that song.
- Hm?
- This place is soy cute.
- Whoa, Jesus!
- What the fuck?
- Enjoy the little things.
- My bags were in there!
- No, they weren't.
- No guns allowed!
I like this place already.
You got a sense of humor.
No guns allowed.
I'm not giving up my guns under
any circumstances, period-o.
Well, then, there's no way
you're getting up to Babylon.
You know, you could
always wait in the car.
Do you wanna see
Little Rock or not?
There she is!
I'm on a 40-day bowel blast.
Little Rock.
- Hey.
- Hi.
What are you guys
doing here?
I am so glad you're safe.
- Wow, okay.
- Oh, my God.
- Come here.
- Hello.
Seriously, what are
you doing here?
Hey, we don't leave
each other.
I know, I know.
I'm really sorry.
Make me a pact.
No more notes. Ever.
- No more notes. Ever.
- Ever. Great.
Just so you know,
there's no group sex.
- Okay, fine, group sex.
- Oh, whoa.
Hey, Wichita. That means
you're Columbus,
and that makes you Tallahassee.
- Berkeley?
- You're from Berkeley?
- You're Berkeley?
- No, come on.
What are the chances
we're both from Berkeley?
- Berkeley!
- Calm down, calm down. Okay?
Thank you for coming
to check up on me, I guess.
But you have to understand
these people are peaceful,
and they're friendly and nice.
And honestly, I don't think
you're gonna fit in here.
- They melted our fucking weapons!
- This is exactly what I meant.
Guys, I think
we should stay.
- You don't get a vote.
- I do get a vote.
Haven't you ever heard
of women suffering?
Women's suffrage?
- No, honey.
- Oh, boy.
- Who the hell is this?
- I'm Madison.
- Don't say it.
- You'll love this.
- Don't say it.
- That's Columbus' girlfriend.
It's official.
Wow, you just didn't
waste any time, did you?
- Well, thank you for your vote.
- And you're welcome.
Okay. I'm late for my
drum circle, so I gotta go.
Hey, Little Rock!
Sorry about that.
Seeing Little Rock safe
and surrounded by friends
her own age,
Tallahassee realized
his nest was now empty.
And he began to hear
the call of the buffalo.
All right, I'm ready!
Come on, don't be
so Gloria Glum.
I told you guys
I was leaving.
So, what, you're
just gonna split?
It's time. Gotta set out
on my own adventures.
Little Rock's
safe,
and, uh,
a lone wolf's gotta hunt.
So where are you gonna go?
The direction's
the destination. West.
West is that way.
Yeah. Anyway, like the title of
a great Phil Collins song:
"If You Love Somebody,
Set Them Free."
- Pretty sure that wasn't him.
- Pretty sure it was.
- No, it was someone else.
- Pretty sure it was him.
Yeah. Peace.
Uh, I'm not much
for goodbyes, so...
Just don't say
the pig thing.
Keep your tits dry.
- Oh, okay.
- Didn't see that coming, right?
I would've rather
the pig thing.
Hey.
Hey, don't do nothing
I wouldn't not do.
- You get what I'm saying.
- Not really, no.
No? Okay.
Anyway, gonna miss you guys.
I will never forget you,
what's-his-name.
- See you, pals.
- It's Tallahassee. I told you.
Sally Tally!
Give me a
home Where the buffalo roam
And the deer
And the antelope play
Where seldom is heard
A discouraging word
And the skies are not...
T-800s.
That decides it.
Kumbaya
Kumbaya, Buddha
Everybody.
Kumbaya
Coming to you. Oh!
There it is. Let's start again.
Oh, it's all right.
I got it.
Excuse me. Yes. I got it.
- You're supposed to kick it back.
- Really?
- You never seen hacky sack?
- I thought it's like hopscotch.
- Salty Taffy's back!
- Holy shit!
Hey, T-800s, a whole swarm
of them, heading right this way.
Those goddamn fireworks
might as well be a dinner bell!
Stop the fireworks!
Stop the music!
Everybody shut the fuck up!
Shut up.
Question:
Did you melt all the weapons?
Yeah, that's how we made
these peace thingies.
- Oh, Jesus.
- My guns!
Hey. Hello.
I got something going.
I think I might have a plan.
- Oh.
- What?
Heh, I got nothing.
I'm just a songwriter.
No. No, you're
a song transcriber.
- Listen, Berkeley?
- Yeah?
I don't think this
is gonna work out.
Even 12-year-olds know
who Bob Dylan is,
you fucking poser.
Oh, my God. I'm not gonna lie,
I have truly enjoyed
this moment, but there
are zombies approaching.
Okay. Uh, Civil War general,
you must know how to fight?
Sure.
Poverty, sexism,
social injustice.
- We could try running.
- I'm done running.
I mean, what good is a home
if you can't stay in it?
- Columbus.
- Yes, Thor?
You're gonna make me
cry right now.
- No, please don't.
- Oh, my God.
Okay. I moved through it.
From where I stand, there's
only one thing we can do.
Group sex.
Right?
No. Um...
We'll fight them.
You'll be the first to die,
but I like your enthusiasm.
- You might die.
- Thank you for your sacrifice.
All right,
everybody, listen up.
They outnumber us 100 times,
but they ain't got what we do.
- Guns?
- We don't have guns.
- What?
- What we do have
is heart, brains
and biodiesel.
We're gonna light
these zombies up
like it's the Fourth of July.
Then we hit the stragglers.
What we do is
we form a gauntlet.
One, two, three, yah!
- Then we mop them up.
- Sick.
- This is gonna work, right?
- It has to.
- Rolling. Whoa!
- Whoa, whoa!
- Keep screwing.
- Yeah, I am.
- Keep screwing.
- I am.
No turning back now.
Okay, there we go.
Nice.
Yeah. Oh, that's gonna work.
- Oh!
- Oh, that's pretty.
That means the zombies
are coming!
The zombies are coming!
- Time to nut up or shut up.
- You need a new line.
Let's kick some dicks.
Just because it rhymes doesn't
make it a great catchphrase.
- What's her problem?
- I don't know.
I like it when it rhymes.
- Here we go.
- Okay.
- Zombies, they're coming!
- Oh, dear.
Look out, guys!
Here they come. They're coming!
Battle stations!
Light them up!
Let's go, let's go!
Get up to safety.
Here we go.
Okay now, blow!
Come on. Now would be
an ideal time to blow.
- It's not working.
- Damn!
God!
Holy shit.
It worked.
- Oh, my God.
- Okay.
Okay. Here, now we
mop up the stragglers.
Okay. Yeah.
Oh, shit.
Would those be
considered stragglers?
Oh, boy. Here they come.
Get ready!
Kill those motherfuckers!
Well, guys, I hate to say this.
I think this might be
the end of the road.
- Come here.
- I love you guys.
- I love you more.
- We had a hell of a run.
Oh, my God.
They're gonna die.
Oh!
Hey!
Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!
Thank God for rednecks!
- Need a ride?
- Oh, yeah.
- Get in.
- Let's go!
- Are y'all strapped in yet?
- Yep. Strapping in now.
- Rule four. Got it.
- You too.
I'm not a pussy like Columbus.
Nothing personal.
- Oh, God!
- Shit!
- Seatbelts are for a reason.
- Yep.
I'm feeling
a little nauseous.
- Can somebody crack a window?
- Oh, no, you don't.
Whoa!
- Roll down the window.
- That won't...
If you get sick,
we all get sick.
Woo-hoo!
Okay, okay. Oh, God.
Could you pull over
so I can get eaten?
It'll be more comfortable.
Whoo!
- Oh, shit. Watch out!
- Do it!
Woo-hoo!
Oh, my God, you are sexy.
Can you not say "sexy"?
I'm already nauseous.
Shit, Shit, shit!
Oh, shit.
Shit.
- Shit!
- You guys okay?
Thank you for flying
Big Fat Death.
Let's go! Let's go!
Let's go!
I told you these things
were a rollover risk!
- We gotta move!
- Come on!
Hurry! Hurry! They're coming!
- Oh, no!
- Come on! Here they come!
- Go, go, go!
- Shit.
- Come on!
- Oh, shit!
Come on!
- Oh, shit!
- Shit!
Whoa!
- Thank you.
- Thank you!
- Oh, my God!
- Yes!
Here they come!
- Go, get in. Go, go, go!
- Go, go, go!
Run!
- I'm out of bullets!
- Guys, go! I'm right behind you!
Get in position! Form the
gauntlet! I'll hold them off!
Donkey Kong, motherfuckers!
You can't write
the history of Zombieland
without telling the story
of one momentous day.
The day one free man
made the ultimate sacrifice
and paid respect
to the Blackfoot ancestors
he may or may not have had.
The day he led the first,
the last, the only
great American zombie jump.
Zombie Kill of the Year?
Century.
Only one problem.
Well, okay, two.
Oh!
- Hey!
- Tallahassee!
- Hang on, we're coming.
- Hold on.
- Help! I'm falling!
- Shit!
We can't help you.
Guys! Help me!
- Shit. What should we do?
- Throw something at them.
Oh, shit. Okay. Shit. Sorry.
Wha... You hit me in the nuts
with a hacky sack!
- Sorry.
- What?
I'm losing my grip.
I'm gonna fall.
No! Oh, no!
Long live the King.
- Oh.
- Ew.
Guys! I'm still here!
- Give me your hand!
- Hold my arm.
- Kick your foot out.
- Goddamn it, Columbus!
Point your toe!
This human chain thing
is a terrible idea!
- Guh!
- I can't reach.
Kick it, kick it. I got it.
Pull, pull.
Okay. I got you.
Okay.
Oh, man. Are you okay?
- Yeah.
- That was amazing.
Oh... Thank you.
Hey.
You kept the gun?
How could I give up
my favorite Christmas present?
Why didn't you
pull it out sooner?
I forget about it but...
I smoked a lot of weed.
Chip off the old block.
Yes.
Yes?
Oh, yes, yes?
Yes, yes.
Yes, yes, yes?
- Yes. Yes.
- Yes?
- Really?
- Mm-hm.
What changed your mind?
Because Zombieland or not,
we're meant to be together.
So basically, that means
this belongs to her.
Oh, hm. Cool.
Thank you.
Okay.
- Okay. Are you ready?
- Yeah.
- Okay. I'm good.
- Okay.
- Yeah, do the damn thing. Yeah.
- Okay.
- Great. Which hand do I...?
- This one.
- Okay.
- Okay, yes. Here we go.
Wow.
Come here.
Nicely done.
I'm gonna walk that little
spitfuck down the aisle.
It's a good thing
you didn't die, then.
Washoe County.
- What?
- Washoe County, Nevada.
Ah, Reno.
Biggest little city
in the world.
- Just go for it.
- Thank you.
- Sweet.
- Oh, my God.
What? What?
- Oh, my gosh!
- Shit!
- Homer. It's a long way down.
- Our work here is done.
Let's party!
- Come on!
- Yeah!
Wait for me.
Hell, this is
a 1955 Fleetwood Series 60. Hoo!
Every hair on my body
feels like a little wang.
- Yikes.
- Where to?
Mm, how about home?
Home?
- Yeah.
- Yes, good idea.
Where's home?
I think we're already there.
Because if our adventures
had taught us about anything,
it was home.
Wichita didn't need
to be afraid of it.
I didn't need
to keep looking for it.
Because home isn't a place,
it's the people you're with.
I guess that's why
they're called your homies.
And my homies
are pretty fucking awesome.
So till next time,
this is Columbus, Ohio,
on behalf of Wichita,
Little Rock,
Reno and Tallahassee,
saying hasta la vista, baby.
That one's for you, Flagstaff.
Lord Almighty
I feel my temperature rising
Higher, higher
It's burning through
To my soul...
Oh, hey.
Yeah, sorry. One more thing.
I'm feeling a little guilty
about what Nevada said.
You know, about Murraying
a certain you-know-who?
Yeah, my bad.
I blew a hole
through the finest comic actor
of our generation.
But I would love to make it up
to you, to all of you.
And for that,
we gotta go back to 2009.
Welcome, everyone,
to the Garfield 3: Flabby Tabby
junket.
You'll each have five minutes.
Please keep your questions
focused on the film
and don't go off-topic.
The idea of a
trilogy was something...
As an artist,
you think the great ones:
Godfather and...
uh, Lethal Weapon.
But the question is,
why in the world Garfield 3?
- Can this be just between us?
- Yes.
Drugs cost money.
And I have to say,
as an actor,
how many of your nine lives
do you think you have left?
Well, I've done three of these.
Three Garfields.
So that's six.
The essence of Garfield,
I think...
Right.
...is the hairball.
Didn't I say? I had a feeling
this would come up.
You don't wanna do the hairball
really quick?
- No.
- Can you try now?
- Give me a little hairball now?
- Come on.
Come on.
You know, how about if I
did it with you?
- Okay. Come on. Come on.
- That was close.
We'll do a selfie together.
Great. Great.
You all right, man?
All over the mike.
Can we get a baby wipe
for Al?
Maybe move him back
to his room?
Huge fan, Mr. Roker.
All right, Tim,
let's get out of here.
Somebody get my car.
I'm ready to go.
I've never seen Roker
behave that way.
That was crazy.
Sometimes it feels like
you against the world.
- Oh, my God.
- I think it is.
Oh, dear.
Don't nobody worry 'bout me
Excuse me?
Do what you like
Doing it naturally
Nice!
But if it's too easy
They're gonna disagree
Help me!
It's your life
Bill Murray! I love some
of your films. Help me!
I ain't afraid of no ghost.
Buenas tardes, seorita.
I hate Mondays.
Lord Almighty
I feel my temperature rising
Higher, higher
It's burning through
To my soul
Girl, girl, girl
You gonna set me on fire
My brain is flaming
I don't know
Which way to go
And your kisses
Lift me higher
Like the sweet song
Of a choir
And you light
My morning sky
With your burning love
Ooh, ooh, ooh
I feel
My temperature rising, yeah
Well, help me, I'm flaming
I must be
A hundred and nine, wow
Burning, burning
Burning
And nothing can cool me, oh
I just might turn
Into smoke
But I feel fine
Because your kisses
Lift me higher
Like the sweet song
Of a choir
And you light
My morning sky
With your burning love
Yeah
Ah, ah, ah
Ah, ah, ah
Ah, ah, ah
Burning love
It's coming closer
The flames are now
Reachin' my body, oh
Please, won't you help me
I feel like
I'm slippin' away, oh
It's hard to breathe
Oh, and my chest
Is a-heaving
Oh, Lord have mercy
I'm burning a hole
where I lay
'Cause your kisses
Lift me higher
Like the sweet song
Of a choir
And you light
My morning sky
With your burning love
Yeah, your burning love
Ah, your burning love
Ooh
I'm just a hunk
A hunk of burning love
I'm just a hunk
A hunk of burning love
I'm just a hunk
A hunk of burning love
I'm just a hunk
A hunk of burning love
I'm just a hunk
A hunk of burning love
I'm just a hunk
A hunk of burning love
Burning love, yeah
Burning love, nah
Oh, pardon. En espaol,
it's like:
P... P... Pardon my accent.