Derek s00e01 Episode Script
The Making of Derek
1 What do you think, Karl? Good? It was all right.
the bits I was here for.
I did three weeks.
Seemed to go all right.
It's confusing, I don't know why Don't big it up.
Do not go over the top.
They won't believe you, boy.
You record everything like in a funny order.
I don't know if it was any good or not.
I did an interview, someone said, "Is it good?" I said, "I dunno.
" It's like a jigsaw.
It's like watching Memento.
What is going on? It's all over the shop.
Do it in the right order.
- You can't do it in the right order, can you? - Why not? So you have to do a scene there and then you have to get in all the other people to do the next scene, cos that's the bit you're going to see on the telly.
Your days, we had you for 12 days.
How could we do it in order? Well, I don't know, I just think it was complicated.
It wouldn't surprise me if it's wrong, if you forgot something, now.
One of the episodes won't make sense, because of that.
Because it's all over the shop.
You're going to change how TV and films I don't think it is done like that.
I think that's your little way.
I would not do it like that.
They're all done like that.
It's like doing the roof on a house before the foundations.
Derek's evolved over the years.
I mean, I've had him as a character maybe ten, 15 years.
But he wasn't as sort of three-dimensional.
Before, he just was a funny little nerd that said funny things 'and it was really a way to see' the world through different eyes.
I did an experiment, but with ants that I found in the garden.
And I put a red ant and a black ant in a jar overnight to see which one would die.
They both died.
You're meant to put air holes in.
But now, he's sort of become a bit of a hero of mine, as well.
I think Hannah doesn't have anything outside of her working life, so obviously he's 'a primary relationship for her.
'And I think she feels that he's 'one of the kindest people she's ever met, 'and that she thinks there's an absence of that in the' rest of society and that he should be celebrated.
Despite how he looks and is perceived, he's kind 'and sweet and sincere.
'He's perfect.
' He's just perfect.
A dog is the most enthusi Enthusiastic, is that a word? .
.
is the most enthusiastic thing on the planet.
It goes If you go, "Do you want to do this?" It just goes "Definitely, that's my best thing.
" See that? He caught it.
And he brings it back.
Magical.
'And that's why' I had to make him look odd.
I didn't want anything to confuse you.
I wanted everything to be a juxtaposition to what he was really like.
So he's got to be scruffy.
'He's got to walk funny.
'He's got to have bad hair.
He can't be that bright.
' Because then kindness comes along and trumps it all.
Hannah, found a baby bird.
Fallen out of its nest.
- So it's all It's all weak.
- Oh.
Call the RSPCA.
Oh, I can't call the RSPCA, Derek.
Why not? I think you should put it back where you found it.
I can't.
What if a cat gets it? Or a magpie or summat? Put it somewhere safe, then.
No, no.
Call Call Rolf Harris! I can't.
Don't be silly, I can't call Rolf Harris.
Call Bill Oddie.
Call Bill Oddie.
- No, I'm not calling Bill Oddie.
- Why not? Well, I haven't got his number.
Well, this is sickening! Aargh.
What am I going to do? Living in a dream world, int he? Hey? Scruffy old bird looks a bit peaky and he wants to start calling Bill Oddie up.
'What did you feel like? First acting role?' If people have only seen me travelling about the world, dressing up as women, or dancing about with tribes, that isn't me.
No.
So, in a way, this is more me.
- I've got a broken cup here, that needs fixing.
- I can see I've got a meerkat, a solar-powered meerkat from the garden, it's knackered, I'll fix that.
I fixed the toaster this morning Pop back next week.
This'll be sorted and I'll have another pile of shit to fix.
But Dougie I don't know what you want from me.
Initially, when he did the pilot and he sort of liked it, right? I sort of wrote it for him and it was sort of, you know, an extension of his bald, Manc, twat, whinging, gimp, moron You know.
Yeah? You'd agree, yeah? We were out having something to eat.
And he just said, "I'm doing Derek, "do you want a bit in it?" And he's always tried to cram me in 'everything that he's done.
'You know, he did in Invention Of Lying.
'Did a bit for that and was cut out.
'I was in Cemetery Junction.
'Didn't want to be in it, 'but he sort of said, you know, '"The catering's good.
" 'Said, "They're doing pork chops today.
"' I said, "All right, I'll see you in an hour.
" So I went down, did that.
Again, with this, he just sort of said, you know, "Just a couple of lines.
Just have you in the background.
" 'Then, as time went on, I saw scripts and it was like, '"There's loads of stuff here.
" 'And some pretty heavy, you know, heavy proper acting.
'Having to get angry and stuff' on cue.
I was like, "I can't do this," and he's going, "It'll be fine, "it'll be fine.
" He was nervous at first.
I had to really I was like the Manc whisperer.
I had to get him in.
I had to get him in and go, "Come on, Karl, it'll be all right.
" And I even cut lines at first, cos he was nervous about it.
And then I said, "I think you can do this.
" He did it and he's been great.
There's times when I think I'm well out of me depth, and I shouldn't be here.
'You know, you've got Kerry who's like a proper actor.
'She can turn it on when she has to.
'Ricky's really good as Derek.
'I mean, you can watch a scene' and get a lump in your throat, even though you know it's not real.
And, you know, I'm not like that, really.
I can watch a lot of films and not shed a tear, you know? Girlfriend's like, "You're hard, you, you haven't got a heart," and everything.
It's normally Elephant Man and Kes are the two films that make me cry, so it's a bit embarrassing when you're sat here.
It was like therapy for me.
Yeah.
Cos when you say, "You've got to get angry in this bit," I actually imagine that thing that I'm getting annoyed about, I imagine that has happened.
That's called acting.
No, but it's not, cos it's not It is.
How do you think? A proper You know when I had to shout at Shelley? - Yeah.
- I was like that after.
- Oh, really? - Proper adrenalin.
He was really wound up.
Forget bungee jumping and all that.
I was like, "I want to" Grr.
I was really angry.
You didn't give a shit about your mam.
- Hannah's been looking after her - I gave a shit.
I've been very busy.
- Oh, you've been busy? - Yes.
Doesn't matter any more.
Your mam's dead.
- You've got your ring, haven't you? - Yes.
Does it fit all right? Does it fit? Lovely.
You've got the ring.
Fuck off then.
Fuck off! All right, thank you.
- Fuck off, you and all! - Come on! Take your box with you.
You forgot.
It's your mam's memories, but you don't give a shit about that, do ya? Fucking makes me sick.
Come on! Fucking hell, as if she needs jewellery.
Mr fucking T.
Just for my own amusement.
No way this is going to go in.
Just for my own amusement.
This is a DVD extra.
I know it is.
I know it is now, but look at that.
Look at that! I cannot tell you how good this is! I'm actually going to burst.
So, we're doing a scene on the beach where Derek and Dougie and Kev come down with the residents.
I mean, it's not a day off, is it? It's working, but the camera crew turned up dressed like Crockett and Tubbs.
All right? Ready for work.
Ready for work.
Broadstairs, I think, is a wonderful place.
We've only been here 24 hours but it's been like a lifetime of enjoyment.
I've enjoyed it very much.
Still haven't finished yet.
No.
Nice hotel.
Comfortable bed.
Nice bar.
Very nice bar.
So nice, I stayed up half the night.
Never mind.
These guys, take it easy here This is how they made the Matrix.
Let's twist again Like we did last summer Great.
Ready? I love down here.
It's really nice and family loving.
The people are nice.
The little cafe's nice.
Everything is nice and all the blue skies and everything.
The only problem I have, I can't get any signal for my phone.
Is that the only umbrella you could find? It's not mine.
Someone gave it me, cos they were worried I was going to get skin cancer on me head.
What's funny about that? No joking about skin cancer.
No, we weren't laughing at that.
It's just that, very specifically, you were worried about it on your head.
Well, because of this wig you've given me.
The whole benefit of a wig is to protect your head.
No, it's not.
It don't do anything.
A wig is to look like you've got hair.
Yeah, but this doesn't do that, does it? No.
This accentuates how awful your It's keeping me ears warm.
It's about 36 degrees today.
I do not need this on me head.
If there's going to be one thing that critics are going to slag this off for, it's that wig.
I did tell ya.
When they do, I'll phone you up and go, "Told you.
" What? What will they say? They'll say, "The whole thing's ruined by a ridiculous wig.
" Same haircut.
They've got the same haircuts.
'When I first saw it, I thought, "Whoa.
" Then after a while' Every day I put that on, people were laughing at me.
Three weeks in and they still went, "Look at that fucking head.
" No, I got used to it.
But, to be fair, they say that with or without the wig.
Don't they, to be fair? Yeah, I'd shave it off.
Or wear a wig, if I was you.
And what difference would it make to me life? Seriously? Your head would be warmer.
Good point.
'I've done a lot of media stuff with Extras' and the Golden Globes, and, you know, spoof things for Comic Relief.
I'd sort of dealt in that, because it's irresistible to write about what you know.
'I worked in an office 'for ten years and I wrote about it.
'But, by then, I was in media, 'so you write about it.
The Office wasn't out and out drama' but there was a pathos, there was a sort of There was a weight to it, you know? There were, I like to think, quite three-dimensional characters.
But this is a return to more of those Office values, I guess.
Ordinary people, real people, real problems and more so.
I put, "Victoria is a real asset.
"She learns quickly and she gets on with everyone.
"And the residents love her and she's clearly a smart "and conscientious young lady.
"Ten out of ten for effort.
" Oh, what's the matter, darling? I just never got ten out of ten for anything before.
Oh, that's silly.
Everything's not a test.
I bet you're brilliant at loads of stuff.
No-one's ever been this nice to me before, either.
Oh.
Well, you're rubbish, then.
How's that? That's better.
The Office sort of like touched on existentialism but it touched on the existentialism of being 30.
You know, this touches on the existentialism of being 90, sometimes.
So there's a bit more weight to that.
I loves working here, but I'm always sad.
Going to stay though, to help the people that are still alive.
I mean, when they're dead, they're not sad any more, and I'd rather be sad than anyone else.
'Once a day, there's been, like,' welling up in, like, you know, one of the scenes.
Particularly, as I say, with some of the older actors and that.
'They've got such a weight and a pathos 'and they bring a reality to it, you know.
' I kept forgetting that the old people were actors.
Yeah.
It was very real, wasn't it? It felt like a real old people's home.
'Yeah.
Also, just talking to some of them.
'I used bits when they were just talking normally 'and them really falling asleep.
'And sometimes they didn't hear what I said.
' I'd leave in the, "What?" They genuinely didn't hear.
But that was nice to use.
So, it was very real.
And that's so important, particularly as this is a fake documentary.
One little bit of bad acting, or a bad line, or a bad shot of something gives the whole game away.
It blows the whole thing, so But they were great.
Anything but love Ooh, yeah! That was fantastic! Now, I want to marry him, now.
I sort of call it a comedy drama but it's not a comedy drama.
There are dramatic bits but only just like real life and it is a sitcom, it is a comedy, but what's different is sincerity flows through it.
You know, what we were laughing at with David Brent was the blind spot, the difference between how he perceives himself and how we perceive him.
I don't give shitty jobs.
If a good man comes to me and says, "Thank you, David, for the opportunity and continued support "in the work-related arena, but I've done that, I want to better myself, "I want to move on," then I can make that dream come true too, AKA for you.
Whereas, with these, the characters sort of say what's on their mind and they mean it and they're sort of right, you know.
Derek says things and there's no difference between what he says and what we hear and what he means.
It's all the same thing.
He's sincere.
He does he does think that about animals and old people and you know, and Hannah says what she means, and Dougie says exactly what he means, and Kev says exactly what he means.
Having a party for my birthday.
I can choose the food and the songs, can't I? And music that's put on.
Can I choose my presents? Well, no, because then it wouldn't be a surprise, would it? I know what you want for your birthday, mate.
What? To pop your cherry, didn't ya? What? I know what he wants for his birthday.
He needs to pop his cherry.
What's pop your cherry? Think.
No.
What have you got that looks like a cherry and needs popping? End of your knob, mate.
Looks like a cherry, don't it? Needs popping, up a woman, innit, boys? End of his knob looks a cherry that needs popping up a woman, yeah? I've got an old walnut if anybody's interested? I think that's the difference with this and traditional sitcoms.
There's no level of irony, there's no juxtaposition between what people say and think and how we perceive them, which makes it which makes it sweeter and nicer and different.
You're nice though anyway.
How do you know that? I can tell.
Joan says sometimes good people do bad things, so give them a second chance.
Wait, who is Joan? Old lady, what lived here.
But she died.
She was wise, cos she lived a long time so she knew lots of stuff and she told me it.
It upsets me just thinking about her cos I I loved her so much.
Sorry, bruv.
Sorry.
Let's cut there a minute.
Let's just do that bit again.
Just have a little rant cos I'll use bits and I'll jump cut it as well.
The stage is here.
Back stage is there.
Yeah.
Cut there.
Great.
Great.
I think being a director is being able to answer a series of questions confidently.
It's like being on Mastermind but you can't get the answer wrong.
It's like my specialised subject is answering questions and whatever answer you give is the definitive answer.
Your minute starts now.
Red or green? You know, so it's playing, it's the biggest toy box in the world.
It's fun.
I watch a lot of interviews with actors and everything's always lovely, you know, and I can't believe that's true because I've been on so many film sets where it's been a nightmare from start to finish.
Who are these guys? They're lying.
They're lying.
But this, honestly, the set times, you know, it's relaxed hours, it's a relaxed set, and just that freedom to kind of do your thing, add a little bit of yourself to the production, that to me is That's something new and rewarding, very rewarding and very satisfying, so, yeah, man, I'm happy.
It's been really nice because there's a lot of scope for improvising and there is a script and obviously we stick to the script, but there's obviously tons of opportunity to come off and to try things out.
Ricky.
I've always admired him but I was a bit afraid, you know, nervous, coming on cos I didn't know whether he would have liked me or not.
But gradually I think he got to like me, you know, and he's a wonderful person.
And he's the most relaxed director I've ever worked with.
He's amazing.
I've never worked with anyone like him, because everything is like one take.
I think he's like Clint Eastwood but with a crazy laugh.
There's a lot of dried up muff here.
Fuck off! Exactly.
Exactly, yeah.
Lunch! So here we are then.
This is like the little catering area.
They've got a proper thing round there, like a proper little truck.
That's where the magic happens, in that.
Hello.
All right.
You can sit there all day and fill your face and people just keep bringing you more and more.
So, that's what's different than An Idiot Abroad, cos there I'm sucking on a cow bollock or something, whereas here it's it is top quality food.
Look.
I've never thought of even doing that.
Suzanne doesn't do that at home.
She's never done that.
It's sort of Yorkshire pudding with bacon in it.
Never even thought about putting them together.
But now here, the food has been amazing.
Every day pie, brilliant pie and the puddings He said the pie twice.
He was so salivating, I swear I'm actually thinking about it.
"Pie.
Pie.
" "Hello, Karl, what do you want?" "Pie! Pie!" Look, pork pie.
You see, I can't help it but that's I've ordered steak but this is a little starter.
Seriously, if you're an actor and you're getting married, do it whilst you're working cos you won't get a better buffet for free.
And it's lunch as well, cos lunch at home is the one that you always struggle with.
Breakfast, you know what you're gonna have.
You're going to have a full breakfast, some toast, crumpet, a pikelet, cornflakes, that sort of thing.
Do people still have cornflakes? Of course they have cornflakes! That's got to be the blandest breakfast ever.
What do you mean, do people still have cornflakes? What world are you living in?! No, but I mean No, I mean, it's a kid's breakfast, isn't it? No.
I like cornflakes.
I mean Rice Krispies you might say are a bit kiddie because of the snap, crackle and the pop, but cornflakes are It's cornflakes.
Bran flakes.
Bran flakes are different Shredded Wheat.
.
.
they're good for you.
Don't try and backtrack.
No.
It's like you're in this world where they don't have cornflakes any more.
No! That's fucking unbelievable.
"Cornflakes? Do people still have cornflakes?" I can't believe it! So, get involved in acting if you like your food.
Anyway, going for me steak and chips.
What's your thoughts looking back of the shoot though, Karl? Any fond memories? They'll be one I'll never forget, but we don't want to talk about that.
No, go on.
No, you don't want to talk about it.
We do.
Come on.
What is it? You must know what is it that I'll never forget.
I've got a guess.
Farting on my head.
Yeah.
Let me explain.
I wrote into the script that Derek likes wrestling, purely And I wrote this six months ago knowing that one day we'd have to film a scene where I wrestled Karl and he couldn't argue because it's an acting role.
Right, Derek.
That's, that's tight that.
He can't breathe.
Look, he's going red.
You have to let him do it.
You were like a crab that had been captured by an octopus, weren't you? I had him all locked up with your head near my groin and I had a wind problem.
Look at the red and it goes white for a little while.
Can you get that? Can you see that, look? What are you doing? Right.
That isn't even funny.
You dirty bastard! Fuck off! Fucking that is You are disgusting! That isn't even funny that.
That's enough to make me go, "That is enough.
I'm not doing it any more.
" Fucking hell! You were right, we shouldn't have done it after lunch.
So, is that going to make it in? It's a good DVD extra if it doesn't make it in the show.
That's good, innit? Not even for a proper scene.
Shitting on my head for a DVD extra.
It stunk.
When you did it to De Niro on Extras, how did he take it? "You farting at me? I don't see anyone else here.
"
the bits I was here for.
I did three weeks.
Seemed to go all right.
It's confusing, I don't know why Don't big it up.
Do not go over the top.
They won't believe you, boy.
You record everything like in a funny order.
I don't know if it was any good or not.
I did an interview, someone said, "Is it good?" I said, "I dunno.
" It's like a jigsaw.
It's like watching Memento.
What is going on? It's all over the shop.
Do it in the right order.
- You can't do it in the right order, can you? - Why not? So you have to do a scene there and then you have to get in all the other people to do the next scene, cos that's the bit you're going to see on the telly.
Your days, we had you for 12 days.
How could we do it in order? Well, I don't know, I just think it was complicated.
It wouldn't surprise me if it's wrong, if you forgot something, now.
One of the episodes won't make sense, because of that.
Because it's all over the shop.
You're going to change how TV and films I don't think it is done like that.
I think that's your little way.
I would not do it like that.
They're all done like that.
It's like doing the roof on a house before the foundations.
Derek's evolved over the years.
I mean, I've had him as a character maybe ten, 15 years.
But he wasn't as sort of three-dimensional.
Before, he just was a funny little nerd that said funny things 'and it was really a way to see' the world through different eyes.
I did an experiment, but with ants that I found in the garden.
And I put a red ant and a black ant in a jar overnight to see which one would die.
They both died.
You're meant to put air holes in.
But now, he's sort of become a bit of a hero of mine, as well.
I think Hannah doesn't have anything outside of her working life, so obviously he's 'a primary relationship for her.
'And I think she feels that he's 'one of the kindest people she's ever met, 'and that she thinks there's an absence of that in the' rest of society and that he should be celebrated.
Despite how he looks and is perceived, he's kind 'and sweet and sincere.
'He's perfect.
' He's just perfect.
A dog is the most enthusi Enthusiastic, is that a word? .
.
is the most enthusiastic thing on the planet.
It goes If you go, "Do you want to do this?" It just goes "Definitely, that's my best thing.
" See that? He caught it.
And he brings it back.
Magical.
'And that's why' I had to make him look odd.
I didn't want anything to confuse you.
I wanted everything to be a juxtaposition to what he was really like.
So he's got to be scruffy.
'He's got to walk funny.
'He's got to have bad hair.
He can't be that bright.
' Because then kindness comes along and trumps it all.
Hannah, found a baby bird.
Fallen out of its nest.
- So it's all It's all weak.
- Oh.
Call the RSPCA.
Oh, I can't call the RSPCA, Derek.
Why not? I think you should put it back where you found it.
I can't.
What if a cat gets it? Or a magpie or summat? Put it somewhere safe, then.
No, no.
Call Call Rolf Harris! I can't.
Don't be silly, I can't call Rolf Harris.
Call Bill Oddie.
Call Bill Oddie.
- No, I'm not calling Bill Oddie.
- Why not? Well, I haven't got his number.
Well, this is sickening! Aargh.
What am I going to do? Living in a dream world, int he? Hey? Scruffy old bird looks a bit peaky and he wants to start calling Bill Oddie up.
'What did you feel like? First acting role?' If people have only seen me travelling about the world, dressing up as women, or dancing about with tribes, that isn't me.
No.
So, in a way, this is more me.
- I've got a broken cup here, that needs fixing.
- I can see I've got a meerkat, a solar-powered meerkat from the garden, it's knackered, I'll fix that.
I fixed the toaster this morning Pop back next week.
This'll be sorted and I'll have another pile of shit to fix.
But Dougie I don't know what you want from me.
Initially, when he did the pilot and he sort of liked it, right? I sort of wrote it for him and it was sort of, you know, an extension of his bald, Manc, twat, whinging, gimp, moron You know.
Yeah? You'd agree, yeah? We were out having something to eat.
And he just said, "I'm doing Derek, "do you want a bit in it?" And he's always tried to cram me in 'everything that he's done.
'You know, he did in Invention Of Lying.
'Did a bit for that and was cut out.
'I was in Cemetery Junction.
'Didn't want to be in it, 'but he sort of said, you know, '"The catering's good.
" 'Said, "They're doing pork chops today.
"' I said, "All right, I'll see you in an hour.
" So I went down, did that.
Again, with this, he just sort of said, you know, "Just a couple of lines.
Just have you in the background.
" 'Then, as time went on, I saw scripts and it was like, '"There's loads of stuff here.
" 'And some pretty heavy, you know, heavy proper acting.
'Having to get angry and stuff' on cue.
I was like, "I can't do this," and he's going, "It'll be fine, "it'll be fine.
" He was nervous at first.
I had to really I was like the Manc whisperer.
I had to get him in.
I had to get him in and go, "Come on, Karl, it'll be all right.
" And I even cut lines at first, cos he was nervous about it.
And then I said, "I think you can do this.
" He did it and he's been great.
There's times when I think I'm well out of me depth, and I shouldn't be here.
'You know, you've got Kerry who's like a proper actor.
'She can turn it on when she has to.
'Ricky's really good as Derek.
'I mean, you can watch a scene' and get a lump in your throat, even though you know it's not real.
And, you know, I'm not like that, really.
I can watch a lot of films and not shed a tear, you know? Girlfriend's like, "You're hard, you, you haven't got a heart," and everything.
It's normally Elephant Man and Kes are the two films that make me cry, so it's a bit embarrassing when you're sat here.
It was like therapy for me.
Yeah.
Cos when you say, "You've got to get angry in this bit," I actually imagine that thing that I'm getting annoyed about, I imagine that has happened.
That's called acting.
No, but it's not, cos it's not It is.
How do you think? A proper You know when I had to shout at Shelley? - Yeah.
- I was like that after.
- Oh, really? - Proper adrenalin.
He was really wound up.
Forget bungee jumping and all that.
I was like, "I want to" Grr.
I was really angry.
You didn't give a shit about your mam.
- Hannah's been looking after her - I gave a shit.
I've been very busy.
- Oh, you've been busy? - Yes.
Doesn't matter any more.
Your mam's dead.
- You've got your ring, haven't you? - Yes.
Does it fit all right? Does it fit? Lovely.
You've got the ring.
Fuck off then.
Fuck off! All right, thank you.
- Fuck off, you and all! - Come on! Take your box with you.
You forgot.
It's your mam's memories, but you don't give a shit about that, do ya? Fucking makes me sick.
Come on! Fucking hell, as if she needs jewellery.
Mr fucking T.
Just for my own amusement.
No way this is going to go in.
Just for my own amusement.
This is a DVD extra.
I know it is.
I know it is now, but look at that.
Look at that! I cannot tell you how good this is! I'm actually going to burst.
So, we're doing a scene on the beach where Derek and Dougie and Kev come down with the residents.
I mean, it's not a day off, is it? It's working, but the camera crew turned up dressed like Crockett and Tubbs.
All right? Ready for work.
Ready for work.
Broadstairs, I think, is a wonderful place.
We've only been here 24 hours but it's been like a lifetime of enjoyment.
I've enjoyed it very much.
Still haven't finished yet.
No.
Nice hotel.
Comfortable bed.
Nice bar.
Very nice bar.
So nice, I stayed up half the night.
Never mind.
These guys, take it easy here This is how they made the Matrix.
Let's twist again Like we did last summer Great.
Ready? I love down here.
It's really nice and family loving.
The people are nice.
The little cafe's nice.
Everything is nice and all the blue skies and everything.
The only problem I have, I can't get any signal for my phone.
Is that the only umbrella you could find? It's not mine.
Someone gave it me, cos they were worried I was going to get skin cancer on me head.
What's funny about that? No joking about skin cancer.
No, we weren't laughing at that.
It's just that, very specifically, you were worried about it on your head.
Well, because of this wig you've given me.
The whole benefit of a wig is to protect your head.
No, it's not.
It don't do anything.
A wig is to look like you've got hair.
Yeah, but this doesn't do that, does it? No.
This accentuates how awful your It's keeping me ears warm.
It's about 36 degrees today.
I do not need this on me head.
If there's going to be one thing that critics are going to slag this off for, it's that wig.
I did tell ya.
When they do, I'll phone you up and go, "Told you.
" What? What will they say? They'll say, "The whole thing's ruined by a ridiculous wig.
" Same haircut.
They've got the same haircuts.
'When I first saw it, I thought, "Whoa.
" Then after a while' Every day I put that on, people were laughing at me.
Three weeks in and they still went, "Look at that fucking head.
" No, I got used to it.
But, to be fair, they say that with or without the wig.
Don't they, to be fair? Yeah, I'd shave it off.
Or wear a wig, if I was you.
And what difference would it make to me life? Seriously? Your head would be warmer.
Good point.
'I've done a lot of media stuff with Extras' and the Golden Globes, and, you know, spoof things for Comic Relief.
I'd sort of dealt in that, because it's irresistible to write about what you know.
'I worked in an office 'for ten years and I wrote about it.
'But, by then, I was in media, 'so you write about it.
The Office wasn't out and out drama' but there was a pathos, there was a sort of There was a weight to it, you know? There were, I like to think, quite three-dimensional characters.
But this is a return to more of those Office values, I guess.
Ordinary people, real people, real problems and more so.
I put, "Victoria is a real asset.
"She learns quickly and she gets on with everyone.
"And the residents love her and she's clearly a smart "and conscientious young lady.
"Ten out of ten for effort.
" Oh, what's the matter, darling? I just never got ten out of ten for anything before.
Oh, that's silly.
Everything's not a test.
I bet you're brilliant at loads of stuff.
No-one's ever been this nice to me before, either.
Oh.
Well, you're rubbish, then.
How's that? That's better.
The Office sort of like touched on existentialism but it touched on the existentialism of being 30.
You know, this touches on the existentialism of being 90, sometimes.
So there's a bit more weight to that.
I loves working here, but I'm always sad.
Going to stay though, to help the people that are still alive.
I mean, when they're dead, they're not sad any more, and I'd rather be sad than anyone else.
'Once a day, there's been, like,' welling up in, like, you know, one of the scenes.
Particularly, as I say, with some of the older actors and that.
'They've got such a weight and a pathos 'and they bring a reality to it, you know.
' I kept forgetting that the old people were actors.
Yeah.
It was very real, wasn't it? It felt like a real old people's home.
'Yeah.
Also, just talking to some of them.
'I used bits when they were just talking normally 'and them really falling asleep.
'And sometimes they didn't hear what I said.
' I'd leave in the, "What?" They genuinely didn't hear.
But that was nice to use.
So, it was very real.
And that's so important, particularly as this is a fake documentary.
One little bit of bad acting, or a bad line, or a bad shot of something gives the whole game away.
It blows the whole thing, so But they were great.
Anything but love Ooh, yeah! That was fantastic! Now, I want to marry him, now.
I sort of call it a comedy drama but it's not a comedy drama.
There are dramatic bits but only just like real life and it is a sitcom, it is a comedy, but what's different is sincerity flows through it.
You know, what we were laughing at with David Brent was the blind spot, the difference between how he perceives himself and how we perceive him.
I don't give shitty jobs.
If a good man comes to me and says, "Thank you, David, for the opportunity and continued support "in the work-related arena, but I've done that, I want to better myself, "I want to move on," then I can make that dream come true too, AKA for you.
Whereas, with these, the characters sort of say what's on their mind and they mean it and they're sort of right, you know.
Derek says things and there's no difference between what he says and what we hear and what he means.
It's all the same thing.
He's sincere.
He does he does think that about animals and old people and you know, and Hannah says what she means, and Dougie says exactly what he means, and Kev says exactly what he means.
Having a party for my birthday.
I can choose the food and the songs, can't I? And music that's put on.
Can I choose my presents? Well, no, because then it wouldn't be a surprise, would it? I know what you want for your birthday, mate.
What? To pop your cherry, didn't ya? What? I know what he wants for his birthday.
He needs to pop his cherry.
What's pop your cherry? Think.
No.
What have you got that looks like a cherry and needs popping? End of your knob, mate.
Looks like a cherry, don't it? Needs popping, up a woman, innit, boys? End of his knob looks a cherry that needs popping up a woman, yeah? I've got an old walnut if anybody's interested? I think that's the difference with this and traditional sitcoms.
There's no level of irony, there's no juxtaposition between what people say and think and how we perceive them, which makes it which makes it sweeter and nicer and different.
You're nice though anyway.
How do you know that? I can tell.
Joan says sometimes good people do bad things, so give them a second chance.
Wait, who is Joan? Old lady, what lived here.
But she died.
She was wise, cos she lived a long time so she knew lots of stuff and she told me it.
It upsets me just thinking about her cos I I loved her so much.
Sorry, bruv.
Sorry.
Let's cut there a minute.
Let's just do that bit again.
Just have a little rant cos I'll use bits and I'll jump cut it as well.
The stage is here.
Back stage is there.
Yeah.
Cut there.
Great.
Great.
I think being a director is being able to answer a series of questions confidently.
It's like being on Mastermind but you can't get the answer wrong.
It's like my specialised subject is answering questions and whatever answer you give is the definitive answer.
Your minute starts now.
Red or green? You know, so it's playing, it's the biggest toy box in the world.
It's fun.
I watch a lot of interviews with actors and everything's always lovely, you know, and I can't believe that's true because I've been on so many film sets where it's been a nightmare from start to finish.
Who are these guys? They're lying.
They're lying.
But this, honestly, the set times, you know, it's relaxed hours, it's a relaxed set, and just that freedom to kind of do your thing, add a little bit of yourself to the production, that to me is That's something new and rewarding, very rewarding and very satisfying, so, yeah, man, I'm happy.
It's been really nice because there's a lot of scope for improvising and there is a script and obviously we stick to the script, but there's obviously tons of opportunity to come off and to try things out.
Ricky.
I've always admired him but I was a bit afraid, you know, nervous, coming on cos I didn't know whether he would have liked me or not.
But gradually I think he got to like me, you know, and he's a wonderful person.
And he's the most relaxed director I've ever worked with.
He's amazing.
I've never worked with anyone like him, because everything is like one take.
I think he's like Clint Eastwood but with a crazy laugh.
There's a lot of dried up muff here.
Fuck off! Exactly.
Exactly, yeah.
Lunch! So here we are then.
This is like the little catering area.
They've got a proper thing round there, like a proper little truck.
That's where the magic happens, in that.
Hello.
All right.
You can sit there all day and fill your face and people just keep bringing you more and more.
So, that's what's different than An Idiot Abroad, cos there I'm sucking on a cow bollock or something, whereas here it's it is top quality food.
Look.
I've never thought of even doing that.
Suzanne doesn't do that at home.
She's never done that.
It's sort of Yorkshire pudding with bacon in it.
Never even thought about putting them together.
But now here, the food has been amazing.
Every day pie, brilliant pie and the puddings He said the pie twice.
He was so salivating, I swear I'm actually thinking about it.
"Pie.
Pie.
" "Hello, Karl, what do you want?" "Pie! Pie!" Look, pork pie.
You see, I can't help it but that's I've ordered steak but this is a little starter.
Seriously, if you're an actor and you're getting married, do it whilst you're working cos you won't get a better buffet for free.
And it's lunch as well, cos lunch at home is the one that you always struggle with.
Breakfast, you know what you're gonna have.
You're going to have a full breakfast, some toast, crumpet, a pikelet, cornflakes, that sort of thing.
Do people still have cornflakes? Of course they have cornflakes! That's got to be the blandest breakfast ever.
What do you mean, do people still have cornflakes? What world are you living in?! No, but I mean No, I mean, it's a kid's breakfast, isn't it? No.
I like cornflakes.
I mean Rice Krispies you might say are a bit kiddie because of the snap, crackle and the pop, but cornflakes are It's cornflakes.
Bran flakes.
Bran flakes are different Shredded Wheat.
.
.
they're good for you.
Don't try and backtrack.
No.
It's like you're in this world where they don't have cornflakes any more.
No! That's fucking unbelievable.
"Cornflakes? Do people still have cornflakes?" I can't believe it! So, get involved in acting if you like your food.
Anyway, going for me steak and chips.
What's your thoughts looking back of the shoot though, Karl? Any fond memories? They'll be one I'll never forget, but we don't want to talk about that.
No, go on.
No, you don't want to talk about it.
We do.
Come on.
What is it? You must know what is it that I'll never forget.
I've got a guess.
Farting on my head.
Yeah.
Let me explain.
I wrote into the script that Derek likes wrestling, purely And I wrote this six months ago knowing that one day we'd have to film a scene where I wrestled Karl and he couldn't argue because it's an acting role.
Right, Derek.
That's, that's tight that.
He can't breathe.
Look, he's going red.
You have to let him do it.
You were like a crab that had been captured by an octopus, weren't you? I had him all locked up with your head near my groin and I had a wind problem.
Look at the red and it goes white for a little while.
Can you get that? Can you see that, look? What are you doing? Right.
That isn't even funny.
You dirty bastard! Fuck off! Fucking that is You are disgusting! That isn't even funny that.
That's enough to make me go, "That is enough.
I'm not doing it any more.
" Fucking hell! You were right, we shouldn't have done it after lunch.
So, is that going to make it in? It's a good DVD extra if it doesn't make it in the show.
That's good, innit? Not even for a proper scene.
Shitting on my head for a DVD extra.
It stunk.
When you did it to De Niro on Extras, how did he take it? "You farting at me? I don't see anyone else here.
"