Still Game (2002) s00e01 Episode Script
The Still Game Story
1 Nice in here, isn't it? It's very nice, yeah.
Hello, I'm Greg.
Oh, have you started? I'm Ford.
Welcome to the show.
Yes, a very warm welcome indeed to one and all at this particular festive time of year.
Do you know what the show's about? No.
It's clips.
Is it? Yeah.
It's Still Game clips.
Just Still Game clips? I think so, yeah.
How long is it on for? I don't know, I think it's about an hour we've got to talk for.
Ooh What?! Well, not us.
There'll be other people talking, you know? Other people from TV, that kinda stuff.
I couldn't talk for an hour.
No.
Wouldn't know what to say.
All the cast members, they'll be piping up and say stuff.
There's cast members on it? It'd be a bad show if it was just us talking about Still Game for an hour cos that'd be like us getting high on our own supply.
Yeah, bumming your own chat, can't have that.
"Remember that time I said this?" Aye.
But we do do that.
All the time.
Privately.
Always patting ourselves on the back.
This programme contains adult humour.
The opening music's the ultimate "Oh, there it's coming on.
" So if you're in the kitchen or you're upstairs or if you're out in the garden, it's almost like a signal that you've to run to the TV.
Do you mind what this place used to be like when they built it at first? "Craiglang - developing for the future.
" Aye, aye.
"Craiglang - modernity beckons.
" "Craiglang - tomorrow's already here.
" "Craiglang" BOTH: Shitehole.
I've shown it to lots of my English chums and people from all over Britain.
And they absolutely get it, so although the fact that it you tend to think of it as utterly Glaswegian, there's just one or two things they miss, wee references and stuff, but it's it travels incredibly well.
It's just hilarious and that's the beginning and the end of it.
What I love about Still Game is it's not just about Glasgow.
It's not just about Scotland, actually.
It could be anywhere.
Victor and Jack could live in Vladivostok.
I bet you there are Victor and Jacks in Vladivostok or Idaho or somewhere.
What do you make of this weather, Eric? The ground's all slippy and all.
I nearly went on my arse there.
Oh, it's a pair of these you're wanting.
Permagrip soles, Timpson's, £19.
99.
Is that right? Aye, you've got to take care of yourself at our age, you know? Ooh, you bastard.
Come here, I'll give you a hand.
Jesus! Are you all right? Watch your feet, Jack.
It's slippy.
It's a pair of these you're wanting.
Permagrip, £19.
99.
Got them out of Tioops Oh! That boy at Timpson's is getting kicked squarely in the nuts.
Form a queue.
The thing that strikes me about Ford and Greg is that they are in that mould of the classic, classic double act.
Like Laurel and Hardy, like Morecambe and Wise, like the Two Ronnies.
Somehow, sometimes, very rarely, I think, fate brings two people together for a reason and those two happen to meet up and happen to create a third person, if you like, a third thing, and it's this amazing explosion of talent, the fact that they write, the fact that they perform and, basically, the fact that they're very, very funny together.
They're great as individuals but together there's something special happens.
Jesus.
God! Jesus.
It's all cloudy.
You can't even see the bottom! Ooh, that's heavy.
Oh! HE SCREAMS THEY LAUGH Imagine me covered in piss, my heart was I first become aware of Still Game when my My household had a very worn-out VHS copy of the original stage play.
Showing my age a bit there.
What is it? Aye, a cat saved a woman's life.
Something about the gas being left on and the cat fetched the polis.
It was just something I could sit down and watch with my dad, you know, and there's obviously a gulf in generations and stuff and sometimes you've not got tonnes to talk about but you stick on Still Game and he'd have a beer and I'd have a cup of tea and we'd just sit and laugh away.
Here, now.
You want a wee cup of tea there, Jack.
Eh? Aye.
Aye, a wee cup of tea would be lovely, aye.
A nice wee orange Club with it? A wee orange Club, aye.
Bit of chocolate.
Oh, aye.
A wee Penguin, eh? Oh, a wee Penguin, aye.
Aye, well, tough titty.
It's Rich Tea or hee-haw! Well, we done the show at the Edinburgh Festival and Karen Corn, who was good enough to give us a venue to do it in, at the end of the run said to us, "I can get you to Canada on the back of this.
"I've got a festival there and they're willing to take you.
" A show for three weeks, was it? Three weeks? Mmm-hmm.
So we get there.
Now, the set only involved a stinking old carpet, a Hoover, a horrible old three-piece suite, and a sideboard.
That was it.
And a box for a television.
So we thought, we can get most of that over there.
We'll be able to pick that up from a props department over there.
However, what we'll not be able to get is a Hoover, which was a pivotal moment in the show, like the one we had in the show.
What you doing with that? Oh, it's all right.
It's got wheels on it.
There you are.
Right, get that plugged in.
Right.
You have to remember we were always winding each other up here.
I said to Paul, "You'll need to bring a Hoover "and take it to Canada.
" And he's went "Nah.
What? "An old Hoover and an old Hoover Junior all the way to Canada?" "They don't have Hoovers over there like that.
" "No, they don't have Hoovers like that.
"They hoover different over there.
They do it differently.
" "So can you bring yours?" So right up to the last minute we had no idea he was going to show up with the Hoover.
We're standing at the airport waiting on him, and there he turns up you know when you lift them and all the stoor comes out them? LAUGHING: He's humphing it like that and, oh To check in.
Oh, check it in and they wanted to know what it was and where it was going and all that, he washis life was a misery.
But it wasn't until we landed, we actually got there, we realised we did need the Hoover.
The Canadians don't have Hoover Juniors, they don't have them.
Say you're going out there, right? There they are, the wee bastards.
And they say, "Right, gi'es your pension book.
" Right? Well, you just give them a wee nip with this.
Bzz! "On your way!" Right, to me, give us a shot.
Wait a minute, I've not had a shot of it myself.
Just let me see the thing.
Hold on a minute.
Jack! Going to just! BUZZING AND SCREAMING Oh, Jesus Christ, Victor! What have I done to you? Oh, no! I've killed him! Oh, Jesus! Get off me, you bloody clown! What are you doing?! Oh, you've come back.
Thank Christ! I thought I'd killed you! Jesus, Jack, what happened to me? This bloody thing.
I didn't realise the voltage was so high.
It's all right, it's all right.
You weren't to know.
Help us up here.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Come on, then.
HE PANTS That's a bloody lethal weapon, that.
Are you all right? Aye, I'm fine, I'm fine.
There's no harm done.
Aye, well, give that to me because I'm going to put it in the bin.
Aye.
There you are.
BUZZING AND SHRIEKING It's like when you watch an early episode of The Simpsons and the characters don't quite look like they do now, you know? And the voices are slightly different, mine in particular.
But they were characters that we always came back to.
We always felt very safe doing those characters, you know.
They were like a buoy in the ocean, it's just like you went to them because they were easy to write.
Aye, I mean, I think when we look back at Chewin' the Fat now, I mean, when you see how much of Jack and Victor are in the entire was it four episodes? Four runs? Four runs, yeah.
I think there's about an hour's worth of stuff of Jack and Victor in there.
So we felt that the best place to always put them was in the pub and we used to write songs for them that were sort of reminiscent of songs you would've heard your grandparents singing, kind of pub songs, and that's how they became popular with us and the fans.
But the then we got in Tam's character to because we wanted to sound like a barbershop harmony.
We never managed it once.
Butand then we brought Paul into it as well.
# If you're going to break a heart # Be sure to break a fat girl's heart # They're bigger.
ALL: # Much bigger # If you're going to ruin someone's life # Be sure they're not a skelf # Skinny girls are fine but when you dump them they just run and find ALL: # Another # But when you crush a chubby's heart # She remains with all the fatties on the shelf ALL: # The shelf is creaking She remains with all the fatties on the shelf.
Ah, we've still got it.
It was just a natural step that when we got the chance to do a sitcom that it was the old guys that we took.
What delights do you have on offer from your varied and extensive menu? Pies.
Oh! Pies! Do you hear that, Jack? They have pies! Oh, that is dandy because I was getting sick of that lobster thermidor, you know? When was the last time we had pies, Jack? Hmm.
Yesterday.
Och, well, pies it is, then.
Two pies, as they come.
Yes.
As per usual, frozen in the middle and red hot round the outside.
Irresistible.
Tam? Could you go a pie? Aye, a pie? Aye.
Aye, well, come back tomorrow and get it out of there.
There's a joke, actually.
There's a joke that sums up actors perfectly and it's - how many actors does it take to change a light bulb? Two - one to change the bulb and the other one to say, "I could've done that.
" And that's but with Ford and Greg that's one of the few things that I've never thought because I watch them and I go, "Actually, I couldn't do that.
" I couldn't do that.
I couldn't be as good as that and I don't know anybody else that could be as good as that.
I think the performances are exceptional.
So you two are brothers? Eh? Oh, yep, brothers, aye.
Yes, of course, Jack's a couple of years older than me.
Don't start with your lies, Victor.
He's actually two years older than I am.
So are you retired, the both of you? Oh, yes, yes.
We sold our business.
Oh, what sort of business did you have? Beetroot.
Jarring.
Sending it all over the world.
You'd be surprised how lucrative it is.
And then, of course, we sold the business then we split it right down the middle, you know? I'm good to myself, I don't mind telling you that, and I have been.
I was a little bit shrewder with my money.
I invested it and tripled it in a year.
Mm-hm.
He's a very clever man, my older brother.
Then sadly my wife died but she was independently wealthy, you see, so that brought me right back up on a par, financially, with Victor again.
Then, unfortunately, my wife died and she left me enough to race away back in front again of Jack.
I think what's great as well is there's a real community spirit, something perhaps that a lot of communities maybe don't have anymore.
It's that thing of everybody looking out for one another and I think that's what makes it so incredibly real.
I mean, all of these characters, and it doesn't matter if it's a character who's got a walk-on part and says one line, they're all absolutely true.
It gives me great pleasure to be here today.
Naw, it doesnae.
You know, with great admiration, I've watched the community of Craiglang grow and flourish.
Naw, you havenae.
My father grew up here in Craiglang and he always had the greatest respect for his home.
Naw, he didnae.
And I only wish that he could be here today to see this.
Naw, you don't.
I'm sure that he would join me in congratulating Craiglang today as we open this wonderful facility, for this building is a magnificent addition to a caring, thriving, forward-thinking community.
Naw, it isnae.
You know, the other characters, you know, were written for people that you ostensibly don't like as well.
You know, Boaby's the barman, we were always at loggerheads with him but he's oor Boaby and you don't mess with him.
If somebody gives him a hard time He might be a wanker but he's oor wanker.
Aye, he's oor Boaby.
THEY LAUGH That wanker's oor Boaby.
What's going on? Och, this bastard.
When it's down, you can't get it up and when it's up, you can't get it down.
I'd have thought you were a bit young for the old Viagra, Boaby.
THEY LAUGH Shut up.
Right, Boaby.
Out the road.
There you go, that's it.
Bloody thing's lethal! It's got a life of its own.
Hello? I was kind of mucking about on YouTube and I actually typed in the Still Game thing and it had a compilation of all these entrances that Ford and Greg would make to the pub and have a Boaby the barman would have a pop at them and every single time, and it was a compilation.
Every single time, they would come in and sort of be like, "Oh, here they are," you know, sort of Morecambe and Wise and boom, boom, boom, they'd put him down.
"Here they are again," you know, sort of, "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
" Boom, boom, boom.
And it was very, very funny and it kind of sort of just reminded you just to why it is so hugely popular.
Oh, here they come, Abbot and Costello.
You're putting the beef on, Jack.
Aye, that's right.
Every time I shag your wife she makes me a sandwich.
Oh, look who it is, Phyllis and Diller.
That's got to be the worst yet, you tosspot, because Phyllis Diller's one person, not two.
Normally when we come in, Boaby, you give it, "Look, here's Batman and Robin!" Or "Laurel and Hardy!" You know? Double acts.
What you said there's like saying, "Look, it's Frank and Sinatra!" Aye, or Bob and Hope.
But that's your patter.
Aye, knock yourself out, son, eh? Look, Jack! It's Lawrence, Lewell and Bowen.
This is a kind of slightly prickly area.
Their relationship is like a marriage.
I think the thing about Jack and Victor is it is a platonic love affair, you know? Andyeah, it is.
It's very, very modern.
Like Ant and Dec.
A very modern family.
But they do love each other and they look out for each other and when Do you see how comfortable he is talking about it with the arms like that? Look at the body language here.
"Oh, yes, it's a platonic love affair.
" It's about friendship.
Real, deep friendships.
And although, you know, although they're both very Scottish and that's why I love it so much, they're never going to tell each other that they love each other but they really do.
They really do.
They'd do anything for one another, despite all the banter and the nonsense.
You've done it again.
Uncross your arms.
No, I'm not doing that.
My arms are perfectly natural.
Right, OK, fair enough.
Och, Isa.
Morning, Jack.
What is it? VICTOR SINGING Is that Victor? What's Victor doing in your house at seven o'clock in the morning? He came across for butter? A loan of butter? Where is this arse cream, Jack? Second shelf.
What is it you want? It's your turn to mop the landing and I was just wondering if you wanted me to do it.
Aye, that would be smashing.
That would be very good of you, Isa.
Mop the landing.
Is that it? Aye, that's it.
Thanking you.
Who was that? Isa.
Who else would it? HE SHRIEKS Victor, what you doing? Listen, take a look at this, Jack.
It's getting bigger.
Is it ready to pop? Oof, that's like Krakatau, that.
That's a cracker, right enough.
That's an absolute belter.
Give it a squeeze.
But it's important to get it across, you know, that they're real people with depth and they struggle and, you know, they pine when the other one's away and because people do and that might've accidentally became what part of the heart of the show is.
It might be.
We can't pinpoint exactly what it is.
People like it for different reasons but lots of people have said to us that Yeah.
they like the the sad bits as well.
Yeah.
The show's about companionship, so whenever that is threatened in the show, that companionship is threatened, it hurts the characters.
They can be funny, sad.
They can really make you laugh one minute and make you cry the next.
That is really, really brilliant writing and brilliant acting.
It's just, you know, it tugs at your heartstrings.
It's fantastic.
CHUCKLES: Oh, aye.
It was a rare day that, eh? How long's Jean away now, Jack? In about two weeks, it'll be ten years.
Ten year? That means my Betty's away 12 year.
Aye.
It's all racing away from us now, eh? Aye, that's how I can't be bothered with it.
I'm not going through all that again.
You know, Jack, it's not my place to tell you how long a man should mourn but ten year? Ten years is plenty.
Aye.
Going on a date doesn't betray Jean's memory.
She'd want you to be happy.
Why don't you get down that shop, ask that woman out, eh? Besides they diddies.
My first appearance in Still Game was as Edith and I was the blind date to Victor.
Jack had asked Barbara, who's played by the lovely Eileen McCallum.
She played Barbara and I played her sister Edith.
Now, they didn't know what I looked like.
I remember we were filming, we came on the bus and Jack and Victor were waiting at the bus stop.
This is bloody torture.
Hello, Jack.
Hello, Victor.
This is my sisterEdith.
Hello, lads.
Hi, Winston.
Oh, hello, ladies.
I'm Winston.
Hello, Winston.
Are you still barred? Aye.
Here, which one of you two unlucky bastards is saddled with the munchkin? Right! That's it! Where are you going? Home! I'm not sitting in my local with that thing, Jack! Oh, that's just perfect, isn't it? You're going AWOL and leaving me with these two women? I only saw one woman, Jack! I don't know what that other one is! A munchkin, sure.
Shut up! Once you've established all these characters as fully blown characters, then when you start to embark on writing a new show you say, right, let's say for instance somebody showed up with a big red nose.
You're writing immediately because you know exactly how all these characters are going to react to that.
Isa would be away telling everybody, "Oh, there's a man with a "You want to see this man's nose, honest to God.
" And Winston and Tam could not avoid talking about it or pointing at it.
Boaby would probably drop a bottle when he seen it for the very first time.
You're kind of you're off on one because you know how the community would react to this thing happening.
Victor.
Jack.
What are you doing in at this time? Well, we're out with a couple of friends, if it was any of your bloody business.
And by the way, while I'm at it, when are you letting Winston back in? When he apologises.
Aren't you going to introduce me? Naw! Certainly.
Barbara.
Hello.
Hello, Barbara.
And Edith.
Hello.
BOTTLE SHATTERS Oopsie-daisie.
Right.
What yous for? Eh, well we'll have our usual.
Barbara? Gin and tonic, please.
Edith? Pint of Guinness.
Bloody Nora.
So, after their date, they go away and they go to the bus stop to go home and Barbara - Eileen McCallum - she kisses Jack and then my character Edith goes to kiss Greg.
See you soon then, Jack.
Right.
Good night.
That's what everybody mentions, actually.
That's how clever they are.
They say, "Oh, I loved that bit when he grabs your head "and he goes like that, oh, and shoves you on the bus.
"It's brilliant.
" Soand I just, I remember that, that was just so funny.
Really funny.
The one scene I was ever in Still Game was I was playing a character called Martin and it's a 30-second, 40-second scene.
His mother has bought empire biscuits instead of Snowballs and he loses the rag.
"I'm not wanting an empire biscuit, I'm wanting a Snowball!" Nae Snowballs? Nope.
You stupid old cow! Relax, Martin! You've got an empire biscuit in there.
I'm not wanting an empire biscuit! I'm wanting a Snowball! Taxi! Maybe if you have a jobbie, your maw can wipe your arse for you, Martin! And I get that shouted at me at least once a week, to this day, by people.
And I can never remember what they're talking about.
It takes me by surprise every single time.
But if you've sneezed in Still Game, it stays with you for the rest of eternity and I'm very proud of it, it's great.
When I came up to Scotland, it would be fair to say - and I don't think I'm exaggerating - that of the people who come up to say, "Hey, big man, I saw you in" it's ninemore than nine out of ten times it's Stoorie Midori.
I'm just under 6'6" and I think I had heels on which were maybe four or five inches so I must've been 6'10" and then I had a hat on top of that so I must've been somewhere near seven feet.
I felt huge.
It's smashing you're here, Innes.
Nae bother, Victor.
A couple of things people remember - throwing the thing at the window, going at the neds.
They remember the drink and they also remember - and thank you for this, boys - they remember the 18" pile of shite in the toilet.
So it would be fair to say, yes, it's followed me around, in some senses, like a bad smell.
Come here! What is it, Isa? Come here, Victor! It's in there! It's in there! Calm down, Isa! Look! What are we supposed to be look? Oh! Was that big Innes that done that? Dirty big bastard.
He must've had to have stood up to get himself off of that.
What am I going to do? I can't have that.
Batter it with a loo brush? Break it into bits? Harpic or Domestos, burn it to death.
Domestos! One of the main things I love about it is the fact that lines are crossed very often and I love that.
I love it because what is also obvious and evident is that underneath that kind of broad, very broad over-the-line humour, they're decent people.
I mean, a lot of the characters we've got are based on people.
Mine's is my Uncle Barney, Greg's is his grandfather Sammy.
Tam is based on a friend of mine, Martin - I'll say his surname, Cane - who's very miserable.
But, you know, so we're just drawing from people that we know and, you know, planting it onto other people.
300.
Not a ha'penny less.
Right, Tam.
You heard the man.
300 quid.
I've got him over a barrel here.
I'm the only bidder.
I'll say 150.
Will you hell, you miserable bastard.
You listen to me.
This is your chance to do the right thing.
Be generous.
The car's worth 300, you've got that in your pocket, now give Victor his money.
Thanking you.
I think, as characters go, they do have their traits and they can be exaggerated, as they would be in any sort of drama.
But the characters themselves are funny and they're sad, at times, because they're real.
I think that's the fact.
People watch it and it is very real life.
People can see the characters in people.
They're not outrageous.
They're not unbelievable characters and I think that's what's gave it the longevity.
Willie? Christ, look at the state you're in.
Are you riding a bike, Willie? Aye.
It was a gift from my girlfriend.
Aye, aye, we saw the pair of you down at the cafe, aye, aye.
Christ, she's half your age, man.
Are you not a bit old for a bike, Willie? Nonsense! She's got me a bike, keep me fit.
Keep you fit for what? Oh, you're not actually? THEY LAUGH Absolutely none of your business.
What a thing to ask.
I would never discuss anything personal like that.
Have you any condoms, Navid? THEY LAUGH What are you laughing at? Oh, nothing.
Nothing.
Sorry, Willie.
Ask again.
I won't laugh.
Condoms.
I'm needing condoms.
HE CLEARS THROA Ribbed orflavoured? Flavoured.
THEY LAUGH Aye, get it up yous! I'll go to Boots! Navid's such a great character because a corner shop is such a part of people's lives now, you know? He's such a great character because he is obviously Asian and he's still got that thing at the back of his, you know, that accent, but also the Glaswegian and, funny enough, I used to live in Edinburgh and there was a guy exactly like that and he'd go, SCOTS ACCENT: "What about they bloody Hibs? "What the hell did they think they were doing on Saturday?" You know? That accent, you know? There was a guy that I went to college with, he used to talk like that all the time and used to crack me up.
So I knew that accent was there for the taking and, you know, don't worry, I've signed the paperwork, it's all above board and legal.
I spoke to the Provost about it.
Oh, Jack, Victor.
Morning, Navid.
Aye, aye.
2oz of Drum.
What about the big card game? Sounds gallus.
Well, you're welcome to join us.
Poker, eh? Ah, the green baize, whether to raise, whether to call.
Oh, the tension.
The splashing sound the chips make as they are thrown onto the ever-growing pot.
Somebody wins, somebody loses.
When do you play next? Thursday night, if you fancy it.
I'll be there, with bells on.
Oh, aye.
That's right.
Muslims don't gamble.
Nae gambling, nae drinking.
What a riot.
No, no, we just like to sit about the house playing Kerplunk.
Meena is an incredibly popular character in Still Game and for very good reason.
I just think the writing there is just absolute genius.
They have this lovely spiky, sarcy relationship, at the heart of which is a nugget of pure love.
But, you know, you have to a few layers through to get to it but it's there and it's clearly she's running the show.
I mean, there's no question about it.
She's in the back shop pulling the strings.
LOUD MUSIC Aye, have a good swatch, Meena.
You're just gutted cos I've got all the moves, eh? Aye, just cos you cannae dance, you fat cow.
The essence of comedy, of course, as we all know, is things going wrong, just like the essence of drama is conflict.
I mean, you cannot make a good drama about a happily-married couple with three lovely children living in Surrey.
That ain't a drama.
And almost all really good comedy is about, well, A - things going wrong, but also dysfunctional families.
And it occurred to me watching Still Game the other day that Craiglang is essentially a hilariously dysfunctional community.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, Boaby, you'd better phone an ambulance.
This lassie's having her wean.
Oh, right.
I don't think I'm going to be able to wait.
It's coming! SHE MOANS Is there a doctor in here? Oh, it's all right.
Jack and Victor have just passed their first aid certificate.
Get them through! Come on, it's OK.
All right, hen? SHE SCREAMS Is that the head? I believe so, aye.
SHE SCREAMS The writing is very clever and one of the biggest laughs that we had because we, you know, the cast, we would go to the audience screenings where they would record the laughter track and I know for a fact that they've had to it's one of the few occasions where they've had to actually reduce the laughter and actually have it dip under because there was too much laughter.
And one of the biggest sort of roller coaster laughs I experienced was it was the episode where Winston wins the is it the 30 or the 40 grand from Stevie the bookie.
That's 33 grand! You're up 500 quid! Thank you, Stevie.
Thank you for keeping my money warm.
Now get into that safe and get me paid! Look at you, Stevie.
You're actually thinking about doing it again, aren't you? Doing a runner! What you going to do this time? Cut your balls off and come back as your sister? Get me paid! Here we go, here we go.
HE LAUGHS Thank you, Stevie.
The thing about sitcom is, is that you have to get back to the place you were at the beginning.
So you're at a start point and whatever happens happens, you know? The A story, the B story takes you somewhere but you have to get back.
I mean, that's the whole point is in a sitcom you're sort of trapped and you need to get back to being trapped so you can carry that on.
So you've got, what, maybe a minute to go left of this episode of Still Game, Winston's 30 grand richer and you're thinking, well, what's going to happen now? He's 30 grand richer, has everything changed? You're not going to do anything silly with that money now, are you? No, no.
No danger.
Oh, but his face though! It was as if I'd planted one right in his balls.
Boof! Right in the Niagara Falls! Boof! Right in the Costa Del Sols! Right in the Davina McCalls! Boof! But, in the space of a minute, he's lost his leg and he's lost the 30 grand.
That's a beautiful example as well of the A story being the money, the B story being Winston's leg, just tying in a big fat lovely knot.
I was speaking before to you as well but the two of us have our favourite sitcoms, and our preference for sitcoms tend to be ensemble pieces - things like Cheers or something like Seinfeld where the guy in the middle is like the satellite and everything else moves round about him, you know? Shows like that, they just grow out organically for the audience as well, I think, you know? And everybody has a favourite character, as do we, and that's kind of a fun show to write.
It's a much more fun show to write than a show that the audience is only interested in one or two characters and if you do a sub-plot with another character, they're not so keen on it because they're not invested in it.
But the audience is invested in Boaby and Isa and Winston and we can give them the ball to run with it and run with it they do.
Aww, my pal's come to get me.
Where the hell have you been? Get in the car, Jack.
I'm not in any mood to piss about.
Right, we've to get in! Wait a bloody minute! Oh, we're all going to the same place, driver.
Eh, Victor.
THEY LAUGH Here, what the bloody hell's that smell? Oh! Fish supper.
Oh, here, give us a chip! Are you wanting a bit? Don't open that in this car! Here, take a chip.
Oh! Gie's the box back.
I've dropped my fish.
Tam, pick up my fish.
Watch what you're doing! I've got it! It's all right, I've got it! Oh, no, I've not, it's all broke into wee bits.
Oh, Christ! Listen, that's terrible.
Keep the bloody noise down.
Victor has been good enough to get out his bed and come and get us.
You're all taking a liberty stinking out his car like that.
For God's sake! Jesus! LOUD CRASH I think one of the main strengths is that it is a team effort.
All of us together make the show and everybody's got different favourite characters.
Some people will say, "Oh, I love Isa.
"She's just like my next door neighbour," or, "I love Navid.
" Or, "I love Tam," whoever.
And I think the boys have been generous in that they don't always write themselves the best lines.
Sometimes some of my favourite lines are other people's and it's you know, a lot of writers wouldn't do that.
They would keep all the best lines for themselves.
It wasn't always about generosity because Ford and I had a lot of hangovers during those shows and it was always good to get the other cast members to take the bulk of the weight of the episode and carry us.
And I remember, one time, there was an episode that was 27 minutes long and Colin Gilbert came to us and went, "You need two minutes.
" We were like, "I'm not writing a new piece to learn for two minutes.
" We wrote a monologue for Jane McGarry in the lift and it's that scene from the lift where she guesses where Jack and Victor are going to go just by the way they're dressed and we don't say a word.
We gave it to Jane half an hour before we filmed it and went, "That's going in, love, in about half an hour, "so if you could learn that.
" She went, "Fine.
" And she learnt it and did it in one take.
One take.
One take.
But that's what she's like.
Oh, look at you two all done up smart.
Nice jackets.
Where you going? Oh, well, you're not going to the Clansman, not turned out like that.
Must be somewhere good, eh? Somewhere special? Eh? What would that be, eh? What would the reason be? A wedding? No, it's not a wedding.
You'd have button holes on for a wedding.
It's not a funeral because of the tie and it's not a court case.
I'd have heard about that one.
Is it a day out somewhere? Somewhere that isn't Craiglang? It's the town.
It's the town, isn't it? Aye, I know where you're going.
But why? Are you celebrating something? Your birthday? No.
Two old pals going into the town.
Two old pals celebrating.
Celebrating eh? Celebrating just being old pals! That's it, isn't it? Like an anniversary.
That's it, isn't it? She's creepy with that.
Aye, she gives me the fear.
She is a joy to play, first of all because you're always comfortable.
You know where you are with Isa.
You've got polyester, layers of cheap wool and a comfortable shoe.
It's you, Isa.
Where you off to? Navid's.
I'm away to do my shift.
That was close.
I got off lightly there.
Winston! I'm glad I caught you there.
I completely forgot to tell you.
Tell me what, Isa? Well, I never buy The Times.
There's usually nothing in it you haven't read in the real papers, just the same old news again later on.
Rubbish, really.
And there's no point paying twice for it.
Anyhow, don't ask me why but I bought one.
And I was flicking through it What are you doing, Winston? I'm trying to fast-forward you to the punch line! What? Get to the end of the story! Aye, well, I was flicking through it The end! The intimation section The end, mind.
Willie McIntosh is dead.
Thank you! Although at times they do horrible things to Isa or they'll say horrible things, they always have her back.
You know, they decorated her flat for her, theyyou know, when Harry, when she was trying to get rid of Harry, Winston - who doesn't have a great deal of time for Isa - still came and looked after Isa, pretended to go to bed with her and everything, which is one of my favourite scenes because when we were filming it, we had to do about 20 takes because we kept laughing, then he fell out the bed and hit his head.
Isa, sweetheart? MUFFLED SHOUTS The set's terrific fun to work on.
It's hard work but it's great fun because everyone knows each other so well.
I think the cast are a joy to work with.
They all know their characters inside out, therefore they can relax and not be nervous about the work they're doing which means they can have fun doing that work.
What have you been in recently, Paul? Coxxy and I have just finished a detective series set in Holland called Clever Clogs.
LAUGHTER When we were filming Taggart, a lot of the same crew would finish Taggart and go and work on Still Game.
They seem to fit in together.
They would all go off and they would come back to start filming again in Taggart, and they would come back with all these amazing stories about what a laugh they had on the set of Still Game.
There was so many carry-ons, wind-ups.
They even had quizzes at lunchtime.
Whereas, on the set of Taggart, all I had was Alex Norton snoring in the corner of the trailer.
So, yeah, I was always really jealous that Still Game just sounded like this brilliant job to work on and sounded like such a laugh, whereas all we did was pull dead bodies out of bin bags on the Garscube Road.
Ho! Oh, Jesus.
No, no, no, no, no! This way! In the boat, you diddy! Oh, Christ! BOYS SHOUTING Ya mad dafties! Yous are dead! Do we look dead? That was our picnic, you dicks! Gi'es our beer! We drank it all and it was delicious! Stop that now.
You're just annoying them.
Do you know what we're going to do to you? No.
See, if you hum it, I'll try and play it! Well, subtlety didn't really come into it with Still Game.
I got a phone call from my agent saying that the director of Still Game would like to meet me, and I went along to see Michael Hines and he gently explained that the character was one who had almost superhuman hearing.
Hearing, of course, ears.
Here, Victor.
Don't be annoying him.
As old as he is, he's still bloody handy and he is doing us a favour.
Look, let's just not be hanging about sitting there while he rattles on about the war.
Shut up, he'll hear you.
Oh, aye, can he hear through bloody walls and all now? Aye, I can.
Jack, Victor.
What can I do for you? But when I was about 17, a casting director in London said to me, "My dear boy, you will get nowhere in this business "if you don't have your ears pinned back.
" Fortunately, I didn't pay any attention to that because, if I had, I would never have been in Still Game, never been Shug the Lug.
So, of course, I turn up at make-up and wardrobe on the first day.
The wardrobe is not very complicated.
Make-up, I thought, well, I'm one of the oldest people in the show.
Most of the other guys are ageing up.
I'm playing my own age so they'll maybe just have to put a few wee lines on me or anything, and then, suddenly, Julie Dorrat-Keenan comes out with a huge pair of rubber ears.
Ignominy - as if they're not big enough, they're going to put rubber ears on as well! Oh, dear me.
But there's a box in make-up at the Comedy Unit that just says "Shug's Lugs.
" I think that's rather nice.
Shuggie! Whoa, what you doing? What you doing? He'll probably come over and bore the tits off us about Tuebrook.
Aye.
Right enough, aye.
Prick.
What do you suppose is in the bag? Ach, he aye buys that shitey bread, you know? Snappy Shopper.
22 pence a loaf.
That's because he's a miserable old bastard, aye.
Sunblest! Best of gear.
Get it up yous! Aye, my favourite episode or, to put it better, my favourite moment of Still Game is Winston's accumulator, you know, and he's having the thing with Stevie the bookie and it's constantly going on and coming in and he's winding up and it's just the moment when he comes in the bookies and it's just coming up, Stevie's just putting the pens in the wee holes as Winston's just building to erupt and erupt and erupt.
It's just the comic timing.
It's beautifully done.
And then, bang, as the last one goes in you can't hear him, you just see him mouthing all his expletives, shouting, "Aww, f'ing this, f'ing that.
" You hate it when I win and you love it when I lose.
That's right.
Money flows into your till all day, Stevie, but that's not enough, is it? With my money you have to gloat.
A gloating bookie! I mean, that's unheard of in the bookie world.
You must be the worst bookie in Britain! You're mine, Stevie boy.
One day I'm going to win and I'm going to win big and then you'll be gutted.
In fact, you'll be beyond gutted.
And then I'll be the one who's gloating and, boy, can I gloat, Stevie boy.
You want to see me when I start gloating, you MUFFLED: You half-wit.
You dunderhead.
You and this bookies aren't worth a It's a stand-out moment for me.
The thing we haven't mentioned is how beautifully written it is and how two guys inwho, I think when they started they must've been in their early 30s or late 20s.
And I actually They quite sweetly asked me to write the intro to the book and I said, "How can two guys that age write so beautifully "about a couple of grave-dodgers," as they would call them.
Grave-dodgers.
How do they do that? And I can't think of anyone else who's done it.
Feeble.
We're getting feeble.
That's the word for it.
First the body goes, then the mind.
I mean, imagine not being able to catch a rolling flask, for God's sake.
Och, don't beat yourself up, Jack.
It's not your fault.
I'm the daftie that's shoved it off the shelf.
I mean, take yesterday for instance, lads, you know? 20 minutes it took me to open a can of bloody peas.
I couldn't do it! I've ended up making a tiny wee hole and getting them out pea by pea.
That's hee-haw! Wait until you see this.
And that should just spring back but I've timed it - 15 full minutes for that to re-settle.
Put your finger in there.
Indeed I will not put my finger in your bloody leg.
It's such a brave thing to do and you can imagine the pitch.
Imagine, right, you're the guy who puts stuff on BBC telly.
"Great idea, right? "Couple of 32-year-old guys are going to dress up "and behave like a couple of guys in their mid-70s.
"It'll be hilarious.
" You'd be going, "Uh-huh.
" The good thing about the fact that it's young people playing old people is that there's a big, long life span to the show.
So if you look at Dad's Army where most of the cast probably started out in their late 60s, you've maybe got five, six good years before people get too old.
Ford and Greg started this when I think they were probably late 30s, early 40s.
You could make this for 40 years and still look the same and just use less make-up each year.
Oh! Oh! It says no ball games! Can you not read?! Shut up, you old dick.
The other thing which is terribly funny about it is it's not remotely age-specific.
My children, who are 16 and 21, quite often if there's nothing on the telly, will just throw in a Still Game and we'll all sit down and watch it as a family and laugh until our sides hurt, despite the fact we've all seen it about 17 times, you know? There's not many shows you can say that about.
It's amazing that it's rolled over and rolled over from generation to generation.
People talk about Somebody said to me their dad handed them down his DVDs as if it was you needed it to survive.
Listen.
See once we shut this place up? Aye.
You don't fancy going for a curry, do you? Aye! I love curry.
Good.
Good.
I better go and get set up, then.
Aye.
Off you go.
BOBBY GRUNTS AND GROANS Wait! Wait! Margo, I Shove your quiz up your arse! Table for one at the Indian Star tonight, Boaby? A bit of advice that I'd always say to anybody though whenever they find one of these Still Game repeats or, fingers crossed, if you go and watch a new series is if you're recording it, always record the programme after it as well.
Right? Now, I don't care if it's Miranda or Citizen Khan or something like that.
You don't need to watch it but always record the programme after it because the amount of times I've been sat there, episode is nearly finished and up come the credits at the end HE HUMS THEME TUNE And you think to yourself, I've still got that wee magic bit to go at the end, the very, very end.
HE HUMS THEME TUNE Can't wait now, it's nearly there.
Boom, end of recording, right? Up across the screen.
It is the most annoying thing in the world and you think, "What was that last wee bit going to be?" Because it's always a gem, you know? BOBBY: 'What a head I've got.
'Bloody hell.
'What was I thinking about, slapping Margo's arse? 'You stupid bastard, Boaby.
'Still, the place was mobbed.
It was a cracking night.
' HE SHRIEKS Dorothy Paul was in Still Game.
She played Frances, my wife's sister, and she was interested in me 'in that way,' you know? And I too was very interested in her.
Very attractive.
Very attractive woman, Dorothy Paul.
When I was offered this part, I was absolutely thrilled.
Imagine being offered the part of the romantic interest.
Me, eh? And especially working with Tam because, I mean, Tam's a youngster but he plays the part so well, you just feel you're with somebody of your own age.
Aye, it was exciting.
It was exciting for an old man.
I'll just get you a tea for the bus, Molly.
Oh, well, I'll come with you, then.
Don't be stupid, you've got the case.
You stay and keep Molly company.
Aye, righto.
What's the matter, Tam? Do you not want to be alone with me? That's the problem, see? I want to be alone with you.
Tonight, tomorrow night, for the rest of my life.
Your tight-fistedness drives me crazy, sweetheart.
It gets me harder than the crossword in The Herald.
But this wedding band says we can never be.
I'm married to your sister, Molly.
Any feelings I have for you ain't worth the hill of beans.
SHE GASPS Got you a tin of sweeties and all, Molly.
Thanks.
Now, you look after yourself.
Here's one last freebie for you, Tam.
HE GROANS I loved an episode that was with Mark Costello and I.
I think it was called Seconds Out, and it's a girl moves into the area with a pizzeria and we both are fighting for her attention, basically, and trying to get fit and stuff and Boaby's useless as always and useless in love as always, but does his best to win this girl over.
Only to find out that Jim Watt is her father, which we find out at the very end of the episode because we're going to fight over her and you can imagine how that pans out.
So they sent a script through, and, true enough, it was an old, worn-out, retired boxer they'd written the part of but it was myself.
I had to play myself in it.
So I thought, well, surely I can manage that, in my acting debut I can play myself.
So I did that and, do you know, it's one of the best decisions I've ever made.
It was great fun.
The whole experience was terrific.
I loved every bit of it.
The cast were terrific, you know, and everything about it, I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Now, these twofighters are going to battle it out over three rounds to settle an argument to find out who gets to take out some wee lassie.
Now, they're not professionals, as you'll soon realise.
But I tell you, she must be some bit of stuff if these two fellas are wanting to go toe to toe for her.
She's got great tits.
THEY LAUGH And after this fight, they're going to be my tits! LAUGHTER Now, are you boys sure you want to do this? Listen, Jim.
If you'd seen this bit of gear, you'd pull the gloves on and all.
Don't take our word for it, Jim.
There, she's there.
Look.
Would you not walk over broken glass for a half hour with that, eh? Stacy? Hello, Dad.
My Stacy?! I got a fair amount of fame there becoming a world boxing champion in the city of Glasgow, who love their sporting heroes, but nothing prepared me for the fame I was going to get through appearing on Still Game.
There is one thing that we should say though, we were away for seven years and there were loads of rumours about how we'd fell out and all the rest of it.
And we came back after seven years having absolutely no earthly idea whether we'd be wanted back and the audience just completely embraced the fact that we were back and just jumped all over us.
And that's a fantastic feeling, isn't it? Oh, it is.
Absolutely fantastic.
It's great.
I mean, you know, seven years would've killed any other show.
Still Game fans are amazing, absolutely amazing.
I got the tattoos because I'm a massive fan of Still Game.
Yeah, I did go through six hours of pain to get these tattoos but it was well worth it.
I mean, what better way to honour Still Game than to get Jack and Victor onto my thighs? Even still to this day, my wife still doesn't even know how much I paid for them.
Question one is - what is Tam's wife called? Still Game's the best Scottish comedy that's ever been created.
Question two It makes me feel pretty nostalgic to when I was younger, growing up with Still Game.
A most excellent show.
It's justit's brilliant.
It's just Glasgow humour.
Just it's absolutely brilliant.
What about you? Typical Scottish humour.
Everybody in Scotland just gets it.
Yeah.
It's not even been on for a few years and yet, like any time, it's on BBC One, everybody's like, "Right, I'm watching.
" It's hilarious.
Facebook news feed is just full of like Yeah.
Still Game's brilliant.
It's been brilliant from the journalist's point of view covering this story this year because I have had an endless succession of stories.
The Still Game story has been the story that keeps on giving but possibly one of the best nights of my career and certainly a night I will never forget was the night I ended up gate-crashing the Still Game pub quiz with the cast of Still Game.
Ford Kiernan had got some T-shirts printed - Still Game 2014 - so we all put them on and headed off down Sauchiehall Street.
And we were quite confident as a cast we would win it.
Why would you not be confident? We were the cast.
But we came in and there was a lot of screaming and cheering and 'wooo' and murals on the wall of the cast and Still Game fans.
That's what they were, these people.
Real Still Game fans.
We weren't long into the quiz when we realised we were going to get a doing.
MUSIC: Beautiful Sunday by Daniel Boone It was a pretty mental night but, at the end of it, everyone was up dancing, doing the slosh.
Ford Kiernan was in the sound booth, singing.
It was a mental night and one we won't forget.
My, my, my, it's a beautiful day! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The fantastic thing about the way these dates were extended, you know, they were extended from September onto October and then they were extended back the way, you know, at the start of the run because the demand was so high, was that they knocked U2 out of playing at the Hydro.
So one of the world's biggest rock bands were stymied by Still Game.
They were knocked out of playing this enormous venue and a big show-piece concert by two old men and their flat caps.
It's fantastic.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What's this we're watching? Och, it's this shower of wankers live at some bastard arena, you know? They've not performed together for years, they've settled their differences and now they're back.
Back to wring the last bit of sweetness out it for cold, hard cash, eh? They must think we're daft.
Only a mug would pay to see a bunch of pensioners staggering about the stage, you know? Monty Python! Pfft! Aye.
That's what we're really humbled about - the fact that the audience have been so faithful to us, and continue to be.
It was the biggest and greatest affirmation we could've ever hoped for but it also told us and we discovered about the show that we could go seven years without having to see or speak to each other.
Aye.
So I'll see you in seven years, you git.
Yeah.
Thanks very much.
Shake my hand.
'One small step for a one-legged man.
' One giant leap for Craiglang! We're back! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE BOTH: Good night.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah.
So, well, there you are.
That flew by for me.
Did it fly by for you? Yeah, it really did.
It only seemed like an hour.
So nothing left for us HE LAUGHS Nothing left for us to do except to say, listen, enjoy 2015 and get one or two down your neck.
A very happy New Year to you.
Happy New Year to you.
MUSIC: Beautiful Sunday by Daniel Boone Oh, the slosh.
I love the slosh! Watch my bag, Tam.
# When you say, say, say, say that you love me Oh, my, my, my Winston.
Tam.
Are you not a slosh man? No.
I'm more of a Dashing White Sergeant.
Smashing! Oh! You're saying, "Happy 2015.
" What if they repeat it next year? Oh, it's BBC, aye.
Oh, well, a very happy 2016.
Happy 2017.
2000 Is this? Do you get repeat money? 2018, 2019, 2020.
Happy 2021.
Yep.
'22.
We'll have to be robots after that with our heads in a jar.
Aye, right enough.
THEY LAUGH All the best.
Hello, I'm Greg.
Oh, have you started? I'm Ford.
Welcome to the show.
Yes, a very warm welcome indeed to one and all at this particular festive time of year.
Do you know what the show's about? No.
It's clips.
Is it? Yeah.
It's Still Game clips.
Just Still Game clips? I think so, yeah.
How long is it on for? I don't know, I think it's about an hour we've got to talk for.
Ooh What?! Well, not us.
There'll be other people talking, you know? Other people from TV, that kinda stuff.
I couldn't talk for an hour.
No.
Wouldn't know what to say.
All the cast members, they'll be piping up and say stuff.
There's cast members on it? It'd be a bad show if it was just us talking about Still Game for an hour cos that'd be like us getting high on our own supply.
Yeah, bumming your own chat, can't have that.
"Remember that time I said this?" Aye.
But we do do that.
All the time.
Privately.
Always patting ourselves on the back.
This programme contains adult humour.
The opening music's the ultimate "Oh, there it's coming on.
" So if you're in the kitchen or you're upstairs or if you're out in the garden, it's almost like a signal that you've to run to the TV.
Do you mind what this place used to be like when they built it at first? "Craiglang - developing for the future.
" Aye, aye.
"Craiglang - modernity beckons.
" "Craiglang - tomorrow's already here.
" "Craiglang" BOTH: Shitehole.
I've shown it to lots of my English chums and people from all over Britain.
And they absolutely get it, so although the fact that it you tend to think of it as utterly Glaswegian, there's just one or two things they miss, wee references and stuff, but it's it travels incredibly well.
It's just hilarious and that's the beginning and the end of it.
What I love about Still Game is it's not just about Glasgow.
It's not just about Scotland, actually.
It could be anywhere.
Victor and Jack could live in Vladivostok.
I bet you there are Victor and Jacks in Vladivostok or Idaho or somewhere.
What do you make of this weather, Eric? The ground's all slippy and all.
I nearly went on my arse there.
Oh, it's a pair of these you're wanting.
Permagrip soles, Timpson's, £19.
99.
Is that right? Aye, you've got to take care of yourself at our age, you know? Ooh, you bastard.
Come here, I'll give you a hand.
Jesus! Are you all right? Watch your feet, Jack.
It's slippy.
It's a pair of these you're wanting.
Permagrip, £19.
99.
Got them out of Tioops Oh! That boy at Timpson's is getting kicked squarely in the nuts.
Form a queue.
The thing that strikes me about Ford and Greg is that they are in that mould of the classic, classic double act.
Like Laurel and Hardy, like Morecambe and Wise, like the Two Ronnies.
Somehow, sometimes, very rarely, I think, fate brings two people together for a reason and those two happen to meet up and happen to create a third person, if you like, a third thing, and it's this amazing explosion of talent, the fact that they write, the fact that they perform and, basically, the fact that they're very, very funny together.
They're great as individuals but together there's something special happens.
Jesus.
God! Jesus.
It's all cloudy.
You can't even see the bottom! Ooh, that's heavy.
Oh! HE SCREAMS THEY LAUGH Imagine me covered in piss, my heart was I first become aware of Still Game when my My household had a very worn-out VHS copy of the original stage play.
Showing my age a bit there.
What is it? Aye, a cat saved a woman's life.
Something about the gas being left on and the cat fetched the polis.
It was just something I could sit down and watch with my dad, you know, and there's obviously a gulf in generations and stuff and sometimes you've not got tonnes to talk about but you stick on Still Game and he'd have a beer and I'd have a cup of tea and we'd just sit and laugh away.
Here, now.
You want a wee cup of tea there, Jack.
Eh? Aye.
Aye, a wee cup of tea would be lovely, aye.
A nice wee orange Club with it? A wee orange Club, aye.
Bit of chocolate.
Oh, aye.
A wee Penguin, eh? Oh, a wee Penguin, aye.
Aye, well, tough titty.
It's Rich Tea or hee-haw! Well, we done the show at the Edinburgh Festival and Karen Corn, who was good enough to give us a venue to do it in, at the end of the run said to us, "I can get you to Canada on the back of this.
"I've got a festival there and they're willing to take you.
" A show for three weeks, was it? Three weeks? Mmm-hmm.
So we get there.
Now, the set only involved a stinking old carpet, a Hoover, a horrible old three-piece suite, and a sideboard.
That was it.
And a box for a television.
So we thought, we can get most of that over there.
We'll be able to pick that up from a props department over there.
However, what we'll not be able to get is a Hoover, which was a pivotal moment in the show, like the one we had in the show.
What you doing with that? Oh, it's all right.
It's got wheels on it.
There you are.
Right, get that plugged in.
Right.
You have to remember we were always winding each other up here.
I said to Paul, "You'll need to bring a Hoover "and take it to Canada.
" And he's went "Nah.
What? "An old Hoover and an old Hoover Junior all the way to Canada?" "They don't have Hoovers over there like that.
" "No, they don't have Hoovers like that.
"They hoover different over there.
They do it differently.
" "So can you bring yours?" So right up to the last minute we had no idea he was going to show up with the Hoover.
We're standing at the airport waiting on him, and there he turns up you know when you lift them and all the stoor comes out them? LAUGHING: He's humphing it like that and, oh To check in.
Oh, check it in and they wanted to know what it was and where it was going and all that, he washis life was a misery.
But it wasn't until we landed, we actually got there, we realised we did need the Hoover.
The Canadians don't have Hoover Juniors, they don't have them.
Say you're going out there, right? There they are, the wee bastards.
And they say, "Right, gi'es your pension book.
" Right? Well, you just give them a wee nip with this.
Bzz! "On your way!" Right, to me, give us a shot.
Wait a minute, I've not had a shot of it myself.
Just let me see the thing.
Hold on a minute.
Jack! Going to just! BUZZING AND SCREAMING Oh, Jesus Christ, Victor! What have I done to you? Oh, no! I've killed him! Oh, Jesus! Get off me, you bloody clown! What are you doing?! Oh, you've come back.
Thank Christ! I thought I'd killed you! Jesus, Jack, what happened to me? This bloody thing.
I didn't realise the voltage was so high.
It's all right, it's all right.
You weren't to know.
Help us up here.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Come on, then.
HE PANTS That's a bloody lethal weapon, that.
Are you all right? Aye, I'm fine, I'm fine.
There's no harm done.
Aye, well, give that to me because I'm going to put it in the bin.
Aye.
There you are.
BUZZING AND SHRIEKING It's like when you watch an early episode of The Simpsons and the characters don't quite look like they do now, you know? And the voices are slightly different, mine in particular.
But they were characters that we always came back to.
We always felt very safe doing those characters, you know.
They were like a buoy in the ocean, it's just like you went to them because they were easy to write.
Aye, I mean, I think when we look back at Chewin' the Fat now, I mean, when you see how much of Jack and Victor are in the entire was it four episodes? Four runs? Four runs, yeah.
I think there's about an hour's worth of stuff of Jack and Victor in there.
So we felt that the best place to always put them was in the pub and we used to write songs for them that were sort of reminiscent of songs you would've heard your grandparents singing, kind of pub songs, and that's how they became popular with us and the fans.
But the then we got in Tam's character to because we wanted to sound like a barbershop harmony.
We never managed it once.
Butand then we brought Paul into it as well.
# If you're going to break a heart # Be sure to break a fat girl's heart # They're bigger.
ALL: # Much bigger # If you're going to ruin someone's life # Be sure they're not a skelf # Skinny girls are fine but when you dump them they just run and find ALL: # Another # But when you crush a chubby's heart # She remains with all the fatties on the shelf ALL: # The shelf is creaking She remains with all the fatties on the shelf.
Ah, we've still got it.
It was just a natural step that when we got the chance to do a sitcom that it was the old guys that we took.
What delights do you have on offer from your varied and extensive menu? Pies.
Oh! Pies! Do you hear that, Jack? They have pies! Oh, that is dandy because I was getting sick of that lobster thermidor, you know? When was the last time we had pies, Jack? Hmm.
Yesterday.
Och, well, pies it is, then.
Two pies, as they come.
Yes.
As per usual, frozen in the middle and red hot round the outside.
Irresistible.
Tam? Could you go a pie? Aye, a pie? Aye.
Aye, well, come back tomorrow and get it out of there.
There's a joke, actually.
There's a joke that sums up actors perfectly and it's - how many actors does it take to change a light bulb? Two - one to change the bulb and the other one to say, "I could've done that.
" And that's but with Ford and Greg that's one of the few things that I've never thought because I watch them and I go, "Actually, I couldn't do that.
" I couldn't do that.
I couldn't be as good as that and I don't know anybody else that could be as good as that.
I think the performances are exceptional.
So you two are brothers? Eh? Oh, yep, brothers, aye.
Yes, of course, Jack's a couple of years older than me.
Don't start with your lies, Victor.
He's actually two years older than I am.
So are you retired, the both of you? Oh, yes, yes.
We sold our business.
Oh, what sort of business did you have? Beetroot.
Jarring.
Sending it all over the world.
You'd be surprised how lucrative it is.
And then, of course, we sold the business then we split it right down the middle, you know? I'm good to myself, I don't mind telling you that, and I have been.
I was a little bit shrewder with my money.
I invested it and tripled it in a year.
Mm-hm.
He's a very clever man, my older brother.
Then sadly my wife died but she was independently wealthy, you see, so that brought me right back up on a par, financially, with Victor again.
Then, unfortunately, my wife died and she left me enough to race away back in front again of Jack.
I think what's great as well is there's a real community spirit, something perhaps that a lot of communities maybe don't have anymore.
It's that thing of everybody looking out for one another and I think that's what makes it so incredibly real.
I mean, all of these characters, and it doesn't matter if it's a character who's got a walk-on part and says one line, they're all absolutely true.
It gives me great pleasure to be here today.
Naw, it doesnae.
You know, with great admiration, I've watched the community of Craiglang grow and flourish.
Naw, you havenae.
My father grew up here in Craiglang and he always had the greatest respect for his home.
Naw, he didnae.
And I only wish that he could be here today to see this.
Naw, you don't.
I'm sure that he would join me in congratulating Craiglang today as we open this wonderful facility, for this building is a magnificent addition to a caring, thriving, forward-thinking community.
Naw, it isnae.
You know, the other characters, you know, were written for people that you ostensibly don't like as well.
You know, Boaby's the barman, we were always at loggerheads with him but he's oor Boaby and you don't mess with him.
If somebody gives him a hard time He might be a wanker but he's oor wanker.
Aye, he's oor Boaby.
THEY LAUGH That wanker's oor Boaby.
What's going on? Och, this bastard.
When it's down, you can't get it up and when it's up, you can't get it down.
I'd have thought you were a bit young for the old Viagra, Boaby.
THEY LAUGH Shut up.
Right, Boaby.
Out the road.
There you go, that's it.
Bloody thing's lethal! It's got a life of its own.
Hello? I was kind of mucking about on YouTube and I actually typed in the Still Game thing and it had a compilation of all these entrances that Ford and Greg would make to the pub and have a Boaby the barman would have a pop at them and every single time, and it was a compilation.
Every single time, they would come in and sort of be like, "Oh, here they are," you know, sort of Morecambe and Wise and boom, boom, boom, they'd put him down.
"Here they are again," you know, sort of, "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
" Boom, boom, boom.
And it was very, very funny and it kind of sort of just reminded you just to why it is so hugely popular.
Oh, here they come, Abbot and Costello.
You're putting the beef on, Jack.
Aye, that's right.
Every time I shag your wife she makes me a sandwich.
Oh, look who it is, Phyllis and Diller.
That's got to be the worst yet, you tosspot, because Phyllis Diller's one person, not two.
Normally when we come in, Boaby, you give it, "Look, here's Batman and Robin!" Or "Laurel and Hardy!" You know? Double acts.
What you said there's like saying, "Look, it's Frank and Sinatra!" Aye, or Bob and Hope.
But that's your patter.
Aye, knock yourself out, son, eh? Look, Jack! It's Lawrence, Lewell and Bowen.
This is a kind of slightly prickly area.
Their relationship is like a marriage.
I think the thing about Jack and Victor is it is a platonic love affair, you know? Andyeah, it is.
It's very, very modern.
Like Ant and Dec.
A very modern family.
But they do love each other and they look out for each other and when Do you see how comfortable he is talking about it with the arms like that? Look at the body language here.
"Oh, yes, it's a platonic love affair.
" It's about friendship.
Real, deep friendships.
And although, you know, although they're both very Scottish and that's why I love it so much, they're never going to tell each other that they love each other but they really do.
They really do.
They'd do anything for one another, despite all the banter and the nonsense.
You've done it again.
Uncross your arms.
No, I'm not doing that.
My arms are perfectly natural.
Right, OK, fair enough.
Och, Isa.
Morning, Jack.
What is it? VICTOR SINGING Is that Victor? What's Victor doing in your house at seven o'clock in the morning? He came across for butter? A loan of butter? Where is this arse cream, Jack? Second shelf.
What is it you want? It's your turn to mop the landing and I was just wondering if you wanted me to do it.
Aye, that would be smashing.
That would be very good of you, Isa.
Mop the landing.
Is that it? Aye, that's it.
Thanking you.
Who was that? Isa.
Who else would it? HE SHRIEKS Victor, what you doing? Listen, take a look at this, Jack.
It's getting bigger.
Is it ready to pop? Oof, that's like Krakatau, that.
That's a cracker, right enough.
That's an absolute belter.
Give it a squeeze.
But it's important to get it across, you know, that they're real people with depth and they struggle and, you know, they pine when the other one's away and because people do and that might've accidentally became what part of the heart of the show is.
It might be.
We can't pinpoint exactly what it is.
People like it for different reasons but lots of people have said to us that Yeah.
they like the the sad bits as well.
Yeah.
The show's about companionship, so whenever that is threatened in the show, that companionship is threatened, it hurts the characters.
They can be funny, sad.
They can really make you laugh one minute and make you cry the next.
That is really, really brilliant writing and brilliant acting.
It's just, you know, it tugs at your heartstrings.
It's fantastic.
CHUCKLES: Oh, aye.
It was a rare day that, eh? How long's Jean away now, Jack? In about two weeks, it'll be ten years.
Ten year? That means my Betty's away 12 year.
Aye.
It's all racing away from us now, eh? Aye, that's how I can't be bothered with it.
I'm not going through all that again.
You know, Jack, it's not my place to tell you how long a man should mourn but ten year? Ten years is plenty.
Aye.
Going on a date doesn't betray Jean's memory.
She'd want you to be happy.
Why don't you get down that shop, ask that woman out, eh? Besides they diddies.
My first appearance in Still Game was as Edith and I was the blind date to Victor.
Jack had asked Barbara, who's played by the lovely Eileen McCallum.
She played Barbara and I played her sister Edith.
Now, they didn't know what I looked like.
I remember we were filming, we came on the bus and Jack and Victor were waiting at the bus stop.
This is bloody torture.
Hello, Jack.
Hello, Victor.
This is my sisterEdith.
Hello, lads.
Hi, Winston.
Oh, hello, ladies.
I'm Winston.
Hello, Winston.
Are you still barred? Aye.
Here, which one of you two unlucky bastards is saddled with the munchkin? Right! That's it! Where are you going? Home! I'm not sitting in my local with that thing, Jack! Oh, that's just perfect, isn't it? You're going AWOL and leaving me with these two women? I only saw one woman, Jack! I don't know what that other one is! A munchkin, sure.
Shut up! Once you've established all these characters as fully blown characters, then when you start to embark on writing a new show you say, right, let's say for instance somebody showed up with a big red nose.
You're writing immediately because you know exactly how all these characters are going to react to that.
Isa would be away telling everybody, "Oh, there's a man with a "You want to see this man's nose, honest to God.
" And Winston and Tam could not avoid talking about it or pointing at it.
Boaby would probably drop a bottle when he seen it for the very first time.
You're kind of you're off on one because you know how the community would react to this thing happening.
Victor.
Jack.
What are you doing in at this time? Well, we're out with a couple of friends, if it was any of your bloody business.
And by the way, while I'm at it, when are you letting Winston back in? When he apologises.
Aren't you going to introduce me? Naw! Certainly.
Barbara.
Hello.
Hello, Barbara.
And Edith.
Hello.
BOTTLE SHATTERS Oopsie-daisie.
Right.
What yous for? Eh, well we'll have our usual.
Barbara? Gin and tonic, please.
Edith? Pint of Guinness.
Bloody Nora.
So, after their date, they go away and they go to the bus stop to go home and Barbara - Eileen McCallum - she kisses Jack and then my character Edith goes to kiss Greg.
See you soon then, Jack.
Right.
Good night.
That's what everybody mentions, actually.
That's how clever they are.
They say, "Oh, I loved that bit when he grabs your head "and he goes like that, oh, and shoves you on the bus.
"It's brilliant.
" Soand I just, I remember that, that was just so funny.
Really funny.
The one scene I was ever in Still Game was I was playing a character called Martin and it's a 30-second, 40-second scene.
His mother has bought empire biscuits instead of Snowballs and he loses the rag.
"I'm not wanting an empire biscuit, I'm wanting a Snowball!" Nae Snowballs? Nope.
You stupid old cow! Relax, Martin! You've got an empire biscuit in there.
I'm not wanting an empire biscuit! I'm wanting a Snowball! Taxi! Maybe if you have a jobbie, your maw can wipe your arse for you, Martin! And I get that shouted at me at least once a week, to this day, by people.
And I can never remember what they're talking about.
It takes me by surprise every single time.
But if you've sneezed in Still Game, it stays with you for the rest of eternity and I'm very proud of it, it's great.
When I came up to Scotland, it would be fair to say - and I don't think I'm exaggerating - that of the people who come up to say, "Hey, big man, I saw you in" it's ninemore than nine out of ten times it's Stoorie Midori.
I'm just under 6'6" and I think I had heels on which were maybe four or five inches so I must've been 6'10" and then I had a hat on top of that so I must've been somewhere near seven feet.
I felt huge.
It's smashing you're here, Innes.
Nae bother, Victor.
A couple of things people remember - throwing the thing at the window, going at the neds.
They remember the drink and they also remember - and thank you for this, boys - they remember the 18" pile of shite in the toilet.
So it would be fair to say, yes, it's followed me around, in some senses, like a bad smell.
Come here! What is it, Isa? Come here, Victor! It's in there! It's in there! Calm down, Isa! Look! What are we supposed to be look? Oh! Was that big Innes that done that? Dirty big bastard.
He must've had to have stood up to get himself off of that.
What am I going to do? I can't have that.
Batter it with a loo brush? Break it into bits? Harpic or Domestos, burn it to death.
Domestos! One of the main things I love about it is the fact that lines are crossed very often and I love that.
I love it because what is also obvious and evident is that underneath that kind of broad, very broad over-the-line humour, they're decent people.
I mean, a lot of the characters we've got are based on people.
Mine's is my Uncle Barney, Greg's is his grandfather Sammy.
Tam is based on a friend of mine, Martin - I'll say his surname, Cane - who's very miserable.
But, you know, so we're just drawing from people that we know and, you know, planting it onto other people.
300.
Not a ha'penny less.
Right, Tam.
You heard the man.
300 quid.
I've got him over a barrel here.
I'm the only bidder.
I'll say 150.
Will you hell, you miserable bastard.
You listen to me.
This is your chance to do the right thing.
Be generous.
The car's worth 300, you've got that in your pocket, now give Victor his money.
Thanking you.
I think, as characters go, they do have their traits and they can be exaggerated, as they would be in any sort of drama.
But the characters themselves are funny and they're sad, at times, because they're real.
I think that's the fact.
People watch it and it is very real life.
People can see the characters in people.
They're not outrageous.
They're not unbelievable characters and I think that's what's gave it the longevity.
Willie? Christ, look at the state you're in.
Are you riding a bike, Willie? Aye.
It was a gift from my girlfriend.
Aye, aye, we saw the pair of you down at the cafe, aye, aye.
Christ, she's half your age, man.
Are you not a bit old for a bike, Willie? Nonsense! She's got me a bike, keep me fit.
Keep you fit for what? Oh, you're not actually? THEY LAUGH Absolutely none of your business.
What a thing to ask.
I would never discuss anything personal like that.
Have you any condoms, Navid? THEY LAUGH What are you laughing at? Oh, nothing.
Nothing.
Sorry, Willie.
Ask again.
I won't laugh.
Condoms.
I'm needing condoms.
HE CLEARS THROA Ribbed orflavoured? Flavoured.
THEY LAUGH Aye, get it up yous! I'll go to Boots! Navid's such a great character because a corner shop is such a part of people's lives now, you know? He's such a great character because he is obviously Asian and he's still got that thing at the back of his, you know, that accent, but also the Glaswegian and, funny enough, I used to live in Edinburgh and there was a guy exactly like that and he'd go, SCOTS ACCENT: "What about they bloody Hibs? "What the hell did they think they were doing on Saturday?" You know? That accent, you know? There was a guy that I went to college with, he used to talk like that all the time and used to crack me up.
So I knew that accent was there for the taking and, you know, don't worry, I've signed the paperwork, it's all above board and legal.
I spoke to the Provost about it.
Oh, Jack, Victor.
Morning, Navid.
Aye, aye.
2oz of Drum.
What about the big card game? Sounds gallus.
Well, you're welcome to join us.
Poker, eh? Ah, the green baize, whether to raise, whether to call.
Oh, the tension.
The splashing sound the chips make as they are thrown onto the ever-growing pot.
Somebody wins, somebody loses.
When do you play next? Thursday night, if you fancy it.
I'll be there, with bells on.
Oh, aye.
That's right.
Muslims don't gamble.
Nae gambling, nae drinking.
What a riot.
No, no, we just like to sit about the house playing Kerplunk.
Meena is an incredibly popular character in Still Game and for very good reason.
I just think the writing there is just absolute genius.
They have this lovely spiky, sarcy relationship, at the heart of which is a nugget of pure love.
But, you know, you have to a few layers through to get to it but it's there and it's clearly she's running the show.
I mean, there's no question about it.
She's in the back shop pulling the strings.
LOUD MUSIC Aye, have a good swatch, Meena.
You're just gutted cos I've got all the moves, eh? Aye, just cos you cannae dance, you fat cow.
The essence of comedy, of course, as we all know, is things going wrong, just like the essence of drama is conflict.
I mean, you cannot make a good drama about a happily-married couple with three lovely children living in Surrey.
That ain't a drama.
And almost all really good comedy is about, well, A - things going wrong, but also dysfunctional families.
And it occurred to me watching Still Game the other day that Craiglang is essentially a hilariously dysfunctional community.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, Boaby, you'd better phone an ambulance.
This lassie's having her wean.
Oh, right.
I don't think I'm going to be able to wait.
It's coming! SHE MOANS Is there a doctor in here? Oh, it's all right.
Jack and Victor have just passed their first aid certificate.
Get them through! Come on, it's OK.
All right, hen? SHE SCREAMS Is that the head? I believe so, aye.
SHE SCREAMS The writing is very clever and one of the biggest laughs that we had because we, you know, the cast, we would go to the audience screenings where they would record the laughter track and I know for a fact that they've had to it's one of the few occasions where they've had to actually reduce the laughter and actually have it dip under because there was too much laughter.
And one of the biggest sort of roller coaster laughs I experienced was it was the episode where Winston wins the is it the 30 or the 40 grand from Stevie the bookie.
That's 33 grand! You're up 500 quid! Thank you, Stevie.
Thank you for keeping my money warm.
Now get into that safe and get me paid! Look at you, Stevie.
You're actually thinking about doing it again, aren't you? Doing a runner! What you going to do this time? Cut your balls off and come back as your sister? Get me paid! Here we go, here we go.
HE LAUGHS Thank you, Stevie.
The thing about sitcom is, is that you have to get back to the place you were at the beginning.
So you're at a start point and whatever happens happens, you know? The A story, the B story takes you somewhere but you have to get back.
I mean, that's the whole point is in a sitcom you're sort of trapped and you need to get back to being trapped so you can carry that on.
So you've got, what, maybe a minute to go left of this episode of Still Game, Winston's 30 grand richer and you're thinking, well, what's going to happen now? He's 30 grand richer, has everything changed? You're not going to do anything silly with that money now, are you? No, no.
No danger.
Oh, but his face though! It was as if I'd planted one right in his balls.
Boof! Right in the Niagara Falls! Boof! Right in the Costa Del Sols! Right in the Davina McCalls! Boof! But, in the space of a minute, he's lost his leg and he's lost the 30 grand.
That's a beautiful example as well of the A story being the money, the B story being Winston's leg, just tying in a big fat lovely knot.
I was speaking before to you as well but the two of us have our favourite sitcoms, and our preference for sitcoms tend to be ensemble pieces - things like Cheers or something like Seinfeld where the guy in the middle is like the satellite and everything else moves round about him, you know? Shows like that, they just grow out organically for the audience as well, I think, you know? And everybody has a favourite character, as do we, and that's kind of a fun show to write.
It's a much more fun show to write than a show that the audience is only interested in one or two characters and if you do a sub-plot with another character, they're not so keen on it because they're not invested in it.
But the audience is invested in Boaby and Isa and Winston and we can give them the ball to run with it and run with it they do.
Aww, my pal's come to get me.
Where the hell have you been? Get in the car, Jack.
I'm not in any mood to piss about.
Right, we've to get in! Wait a bloody minute! Oh, we're all going to the same place, driver.
Eh, Victor.
THEY LAUGH Here, what the bloody hell's that smell? Oh! Fish supper.
Oh, here, give us a chip! Are you wanting a bit? Don't open that in this car! Here, take a chip.
Oh! Gie's the box back.
I've dropped my fish.
Tam, pick up my fish.
Watch what you're doing! I've got it! It's all right, I've got it! Oh, no, I've not, it's all broke into wee bits.
Oh, Christ! Listen, that's terrible.
Keep the bloody noise down.
Victor has been good enough to get out his bed and come and get us.
You're all taking a liberty stinking out his car like that.
For God's sake! Jesus! LOUD CRASH I think one of the main strengths is that it is a team effort.
All of us together make the show and everybody's got different favourite characters.
Some people will say, "Oh, I love Isa.
"She's just like my next door neighbour," or, "I love Navid.
" Or, "I love Tam," whoever.
And I think the boys have been generous in that they don't always write themselves the best lines.
Sometimes some of my favourite lines are other people's and it's you know, a lot of writers wouldn't do that.
They would keep all the best lines for themselves.
It wasn't always about generosity because Ford and I had a lot of hangovers during those shows and it was always good to get the other cast members to take the bulk of the weight of the episode and carry us.
And I remember, one time, there was an episode that was 27 minutes long and Colin Gilbert came to us and went, "You need two minutes.
" We were like, "I'm not writing a new piece to learn for two minutes.
" We wrote a monologue for Jane McGarry in the lift and it's that scene from the lift where she guesses where Jack and Victor are going to go just by the way they're dressed and we don't say a word.
We gave it to Jane half an hour before we filmed it and went, "That's going in, love, in about half an hour, "so if you could learn that.
" She went, "Fine.
" And she learnt it and did it in one take.
One take.
One take.
But that's what she's like.
Oh, look at you two all done up smart.
Nice jackets.
Where you going? Oh, well, you're not going to the Clansman, not turned out like that.
Must be somewhere good, eh? Somewhere special? Eh? What would that be, eh? What would the reason be? A wedding? No, it's not a wedding.
You'd have button holes on for a wedding.
It's not a funeral because of the tie and it's not a court case.
I'd have heard about that one.
Is it a day out somewhere? Somewhere that isn't Craiglang? It's the town.
It's the town, isn't it? Aye, I know where you're going.
But why? Are you celebrating something? Your birthday? No.
Two old pals going into the town.
Two old pals celebrating.
Celebrating eh? Celebrating just being old pals! That's it, isn't it? Like an anniversary.
That's it, isn't it? She's creepy with that.
Aye, she gives me the fear.
She is a joy to play, first of all because you're always comfortable.
You know where you are with Isa.
You've got polyester, layers of cheap wool and a comfortable shoe.
It's you, Isa.
Where you off to? Navid's.
I'm away to do my shift.
That was close.
I got off lightly there.
Winston! I'm glad I caught you there.
I completely forgot to tell you.
Tell me what, Isa? Well, I never buy The Times.
There's usually nothing in it you haven't read in the real papers, just the same old news again later on.
Rubbish, really.
And there's no point paying twice for it.
Anyhow, don't ask me why but I bought one.
And I was flicking through it What are you doing, Winston? I'm trying to fast-forward you to the punch line! What? Get to the end of the story! Aye, well, I was flicking through it The end! The intimation section The end, mind.
Willie McIntosh is dead.
Thank you! Although at times they do horrible things to Isa or they'll say horrible things, they always have her back.
You know, they decorated her flat for her, theyyou know, when Harry, when she was trying to get rid of Harry, Winston - who doesn't have a great deal of time for Isa - still came and looked after Isa, pretended to go to bed with her and everything, which is one of my favourite scenes because when we were filming it, we had to do about 20 takes because we kept laughing, then he fell out the bed and hit his head.
Isa, sweetheart? MUFFLED SHOUTS The set's terrific fun to work on.
It's hard work but it's great fun because everyone knows each other so well.
I think the cast are a joy to work with.
They all know their characters inside out, therefore they can relax and not be nervous about the work they're doing which means they can have fun doing that work.
What have you been in recently, Paul? Coxxy and I have just finished a detective series set in Holland called Clever Clogs.
LAUGHTER When we were filming Taggart, a lot of the same crew would finish Taggart and go and work on Still Game.
They seem to fit in together.
They would all go off and they would come back to start filming again in Taggart, and they would come back with all these amazing stories about what a laugh they had on the set of Still Game.
There was so many carry-ons, wind-ups.
They even had quizzes at lunchtime.
Whereas, on the set of Taggart, all I had was Alex Norton snoring in the corner of the trailer.
So, yeah, I was always really jealous that Still Game just sounded like this brilliant job to work on and sounded like such a laugh, whereas all we did was pull dead bodies out of bin bags on the Garscube Road.
Ho! Oh, Jesus.
No, no, no, no, no! This way! In the boat, you diddy! Oh, Christ! BOYS SHOUTING Ya mad dafties! Yous are dead! Do we look dead? That was our picnic, you dicks! Gi'es our beer! We drank it all and it was delicious! Stop that now.
You're just annoying them.
Do you know what we're going to do to you? No.
See, if you hum it, I'll try and play it! Well, subtlety didn't really come into it with Still Game.
I got a phone call from my agent saying that the director of Still Game would like to meet me, and I went along to see Michael Hines and he gently explained that the character was one who had almost superhuman hearing.
Hearing, of course, ears.
Here, Victor.
Don't be annoying him.
As old as he is, he's still bloody handy and he is doing us a favour.
Look, let's just not be hanging about sitting there while he rattles on about the war.
Shut up, he'll hear you.
Oh, aye, can he hear through bloody walls and all now? Aye, I can.
Jack, Victor.
What can I do for you? But when I was about 17, a casting director in London said to me, "My dear boy, you will get nowhere in this business "if you don't have your ears pinned back.
" Fortunately, I didn't pay any attention to that because, if I had, I would never have been in Still Game, never been Shug the Lug.
So, of course, I turn up at make-up and wardrobe on the first day.
The wardrobe is not very complicated.
Make-up, I thought, well, I'm one of the oldest people in the show.
Most of the other guys are ageing up.
I'm playing my own age so they'll maybe just have to put a few wee lines on me or anything, and then, suddenly, Julie Dorrat-Keenan comes out with a huge pair of rubber ears.
Ignominy - as if they're not big enough, they're going to put rubber ears on as well! Oh, dear me.
But there's a box in make-up at the Comedy Unit that just says "Shug's Lugs.
" I think that's rather nice.
Shuggie! Whoa, what you doing? What you doing? He'll probably come over and bore the tits off us about Tuebrook.
Aye.
Right enough, aye.
Prick.
What do you suppose is in the bag? Ach, he aye buys that shitey bread, you know? Snappy Shopper.
22 pence a loaf.
That's because he's a miserable old bastard, aye.
Sunblest! Best of gear.
Get it up yous! Aye, my favourite episode or, to put it better, my favourite moment of Still Game is Winston's accumulator, you know, and he's having the thing with Stevie the bookie and it's constantly going on and coming in and he's winding up and it's just the moment when he comes in the bookies and it's just coming up, Stevie's just putting the pens in the wee holes as Winston's just building to erupt and erupt and erupt.
It's just the comic timing.
It's beautifully done.
And then, bang, as the last one goes in you can't hear him, you just see him mouthing all his expletives, shouting, "Aww, f'ing this, f'ing that.
" You hate it when I win and you love it when I lose.
That's right.
Money flows into your till all day, Stevie, but that's not enough, is it? With my money you have to gloat.
A gloating bookie! I mean, that's unheard of in the bookie world.
You must be the worst bookie in Britain! You're mine, Stevie boy.
One day I'm going to win and I'm going to win big and then you'll be gutted.
In fact, you'll be beyond gutted.
And then I'll be the one who's gloating and, boy, can I gloat, Stevie boy.
You want to see me when I start gloating, you MUFFLED: You half-wit.
You dunderhead.
You and this bookies aren't worth a It's a stand-out moment for me.
The thing we haven't mentioned is how beautifully written it is and how two guys inwho, I think when they started they must've been in their early 30s or late 20s.
And I actually They quite sweetly asked me to write the intro to the book and I said, "How can two guys that age write so beautifully "about a couple of grave-dodgers," as they would call them.
Grave-dodgers.
How do they do that? And I can't think of anyone else who's done it.
Feeble.
We're getting feeble.
That's the word for it.
First the body goes, then the mind.
I mean, imagine not being able to catch a rolling flask, for God's sake.
Och, don't beat yourself up, Jack.
It's not your fault.
I'm the daftie that's shoved it off the shelf.
I mean, take yesterday for instance, lads, you know? 20 minutes it took me to open a can of bloody peas.
I couldn't do it! I've ended up making a tiny wee hole and getting them out pea by pea.
That's hee-haw! Wait until you see this.
And that should just spring back but I've timed it - 15 full minutes for that to re-settle.
Put your finger in there.
Indeed I will not put my finger in your bloody leg.
It's such a brave thing to do and you can imagine the pitch.
Imagine, right, you're the guy who puts stuff on BBC telly.
"Great idea, right? "Couple of 32-year-old guys are going to dress up "and behave like a couple of guys in their mid-70s.
"It'll be hilarious.
" You'd be going, "Uh-huh.
" The good thing about the fact that it's young people playing old people is that there's a big, long life span to the show.
So if you look at Dad's Army where most of the cast probably started out in their late 60s, you've maybe got five, six good years before people get too old.
Ford and Greg started this when I think they were probably late 30s, early 40s.
You could make this for 40 years and still look the same and just use less make-up each year.
Oh! Oh! It says no ball games! Can you not read?! Shut up, you old dick.
The other thing which is terribly funny about it is it's not remotely age-specific.
My children, who are 16 and 21, quite often if there's nothing on the telly, will just throw in a Still Game and we'll all sit down and watch it as a family and laugh until our sides hurt, despite the fact we've all seen it about 17 times, you know? There's not many shows you can say that about.
It's amazing that it's rolled over and rolled over from generation to generation.
People talk about Somebody said to me their dad handed them down his DVDs as if it was you needed it to survive.
Listen.
See once we shut this place up? Aye.
You don't fancy going for a curry, do you? Aye! I love curry.
Good.
Good.
I better go and get set up, then.
Aye.
Off you go.
BOBBY GRUNTS AND GROANS Wait! Wait! Margo, I Shove your quiz up your arse! Table for one at the Indian Star tonight, Boaby? A bit of advice that I'd always say to anybody though whenever they find one of these Still Game repeats or, fingers crossed, if you go and watch a new series is if you're recording it, always record the programme after it as well.
Right? Now, I don't care if it's Miranda or Citizen Khan or something like that.
You don't need to watch it but always record the programme after it because the amount of times I've been sat there, episode is nearly finished and up come the credits at the end HE HUMS THEME TUNE And you think to yourself, I've still got that wee magic bit to go at the end, the very, very end.
HE HUMS THEME TUNE Can't wait now, it's nearly there.
Boom, end of recording, right? Up across the screen.
It is the most annoying thing in the world and you think, "What was that last wee bit going to be?" Because it's always a gem, you know? BOBBY: 'What a head I've got.
'Bloody hell.
'What was I thinking about, slapping Margo's arse? 'You stupid bastard, Boaby.
'Still, the place was mobbed.
It was a cracking night.
' HE SHRIEKS Dorothy Paul was in Still Game.
She played Frances, my wife's sister, and she was interested in me 'in that way,' you know? And I too was very interested in her.
Very attractive.
Very attractive woman, Dorothy Paul.
When I was offered this part, I was absolutely thrilled.
Imagine being offered the part of the romantic interest.
Me, eh? And especially working with Tam because, I mean, Tam's a youngster but he plays the part so well, you just feel you're with somebody of your own age.
Aye, it was exciting.
It was exciting for an old man.
I'll just get you a tea for the bus, Molly.
Oh, well, I'll come with you, then.
Don't be stupid, you've got the case.
You stay and keep Molly company.
Aye, righto.
What's the matter, Tam? Do you not want to be alone with me? That's the problem, see? I want to be alone with you.
Tonight, tomorrow night, for the rest of my life.
Your tight-fistedness drives me crazy, sweetheart.
It gets me harder than the crossword in The Herald.
But this wedding band says we can never be.
I'm married to your sister, Molly.
Any feelings I have for you ain't worth the hill of beans.
SHE GASPS Got you a tin of sweeties and all, Molly.
Thanks.
Now, you look after yourself.
Here's one last freebie for you, Tam.
HE GROANS I loved an episode that was with Mark Costello and I.
I think it was called Seconds Out, and it's a girl moves into the area with a pizzeria and we both are fighting for her attention, basically, and trying to get fit and stuff and Boaby's useless as always and useless in love as always, but does his best to win this girl over.
Only to find out that Jim Watt is her father, which we find out at the very end of the episode because we're going to fight over her and you can imagine how that pans out.
So they sent a script through, and, true enough, it was an old, worn-out, retired boxer they'd written the part of but it was myself.
I had to play myself in it.
So I thought, well, surely I can manage that, in my acting debut I can play myself.
So I did that and, do you know, it's one of the best decisions I've ever made.
It was great fun.
The whole experience was terrific.
I loved every bit of it.
The cast were terrific, you know, and everything about it, I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Now, these twofighters are going to battle it out over three rounds to settle an argument to find out who gets to take out some wee lassie.
Now, they're not professionals, as you'll soon realise.
But I tell you, she must be some bit of stuff if these two fellas are wanting to go toe to toe for her.
She's got great tits.
THEY LAUGH And after this fight, they're going to be my tits! LAUGHTER Now, are you boys sure you want to do this? Listen, Jim.
If you'd seen this bit of gear, you'd pull the gloves on and all.
Don't take our word for it, Jim.
There, she's there.
Look.
Would you not walk over broken glass for a half hour with that, eh? Stacy? Hello, Dad.
My Stacy?! I got a fair amount of fame there becoming a world boxing champion in the city of Glasgow, who love their sporting heroes, but nothing prepared me for the fame I was going to get through appearing on Still Game.
There is one thing that we should say though, we were away for seven years and there were loads of rumours about how we'd fell out and all the rest of it.
And we came back after seven years having absolutely no earthly idea whether we'd be wanted back and the audience just completely embraced the fact that we were back and just jumped all over us.
And that's a fantastic feeling, isn't it? Oh, it is.
Absolutely fantastic.
It's great.
I mean, you know, seven years would've killed any other show.
Still Game fans are amazing, absolutely amazing.
I got the tattoos because I'm a massive fan of Still Game.
Yeah, I did go through six hours of pain to get these tattoos but it was well worth it.
I mean, what better way to honour Still Game than to get Jack and Victor onto my thighs? Even still to this day, my wife still doesn't even know how much I paid for them.
Question one is - what is Tam's wife called? Still Game's the best Scottish comedy that's ever been created.
Question two It makes me feel pretty nostalgic to when I was younger, growing up with Still Game.
A most excellent show.
It's justit's brilliant.
It's just Glasgow humour.
Just it's absolutely brilliant.
What about you? Typical Scottish humour.
Everybody in Scotland just gets it.
Yeah.
It's not even been on for a few years and yet, like any time, it's on BBC One, everybody's like, "Right, I'm watching.
" It's hilarious.
Facebook news feed is just full of like Yeah.
Still Game's brilliant.
It's been brilliant from the journalist's point of view covering this story this year because I have had an endless succession of stories.
The Still Game story has been the story that keeps on giving but possibly one of the best nights of my career and certainly a night I will never forget was the night I ended up gate-crashing the Still Game pub quiz with the cast of Still Game.
Ford Kiernan had got some T-shirts printed - Still Game 2014 - so we all put them on and headed off down Sauchiehall Street.
And we were quite confident as a cast we would win it.
Why would you not be confident? We were the cast.
But we came in and there was a lot of screaming and cheering and 'wooo' and murals on the wall of the cast and Still Game fans.
That's what they were, these people.
Real Still Game fans.
We weren't long into the quiz when we realised we were going to get a doing.
MUSIC: Beautiful Sunday by Daniel Boone It was a pretty mental night but, at the end of it, everyone was up dancing, doing the slosh.
Ford Kiernan was in the sound booth, singing.
It was a mental night and one we won't forget.
My, my, my, it's a beautiful day! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The fantastic thing about the way these dates were extended, you know, they were extended from September onto October and then they were extended back the way, you know, at the start of the run because the demand was so high, was that they knocked U2 out of playing at the Hydro.
So one of the world's biggest rock bands were stymied by Still Game.
They were knocked out of playing this enormous venue and a big show-piece concert by two old men and their flat caps.
It's fantastic.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What's this we're watching? Och, it's this shower of wankers live at some bastard arena, you know? They've not performed together for years, they've settled their differences and now they're back.
Back to wring the last bit of sweetness out it for cold, hard cash, eh? They must think we're daft.
Only a mug would pay to see a bunch of pensioners staggering about the stage, you know? Monty Python! Pfft! Aye.
That's what we're really humbled about - the fact that the audience have been so faithful to us, and continue to be.
It was the biggest and greatest affirmation we could've ever hoped for but it also told us and we discovered about the show that we could go seven years without having to see or speak to each other.
Aye.
So I'll see you in seven years, you git.
Yeah.
Thanks very much.
Shake my hand.
'One small step for a one-legged man.
' One giant leap for Craiglang! We're back! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE BOTH: Good night.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah.
So, well, there you are.
That flew by for me.
Did it fly by for you? Yeah, it really did.
It only seemed like an hour.
So nothing left for us HE LAUGHS Nothing left for us to do except to say, listen, enjoy 2015 and get one or two down your neck.
A very happy New Year to you.
Happy New Year to you.
MUSIC: Beautiful Sunday by Daniel Boone Oh, the slosh.
I love the slosh! Watch my bag, Tam.
# When you say, say, say, say that you love me Oh, my, my, my Winston.
Tam.
Are you not a slosh man? No.
I'm more of a Dashing White Sergeant.
Smashing! Oh! You're saying, "Happy 2015.
" What if they repeat it next year? Oh, it's BBC, aye.
Oh, well, a very happy 2016.
Happy 2017.
2000 Is this? Do you get repeat money? 2018, 2019, 2020.
Happy 2021.
Yep.
'22.
We'll have to be robots after that with our heads in a jar.
Aye, right enough.
THEY LAUGH All the best.