Blackadder s00e04 Episode Script
We Are Most Amused
1 with prominent parliamentarian Dame Miranda Hart in the Chair.
Good morning everyone.
As you will have read from this morning's treasury forecasts the recession, which is definately not, and never has been, a depression, is now officially double double dip, with a couple of extra dips on the end, and further dips to be added on big news days, when the chancellor sees a chance to sneak one in.
This enquiry could not be more timely.
Ah, I couldn't agree more madam chair.
For the purposes of absolute transparency, could the Chair enlighten us as to how many dips the recession is actually currently at? Well Iâve been awfully firm with the Treasury on this one, and demanded s you say absolute transparency.
And the good news is.
it turns out there have actually been no dips at all.
- No dips? - None.
- The recession is dip free? - Entirely.
It is a dipless recession.
What it is in fact is a very very steep descent recession with a few little kinks in it.
âKinksâ Madam Chair? Yes.
Gentle undulations.
Yes.
Highly encouraging, momentary slackenings within the general freefall I mean for instance when Adele released her second album.
Huge boost to our balance of payments.
And the Americans quite liking Downton Abbey.
Tremendous shot in the arm for Brand UK.
- Absolutely.
And there was that lovely feel good moment last summer when everbody got terribly excited about Jess Ennisâs tummy.
Lovely tummy.
Like a living sculpture.
Sort of cute and intimidating all at the same time.
Such a tonic for the nation after all the doom and gloom.
No that tummy really defied the knockers.
Itâs so often the other way round.
Nonetheless, the big very long, steep, slightly kinky recession is still with us hence this enquiry which will be forensic and far reaching, drawing upon the finest minds in the financial world.
So I would like to move to call our first witness, Chief Executive Officer of Melchett, Melchett & Darling Merchant Bank, sir Edmund Blackadder! Sir Edmund thank you for joining us.
It is a senior pleasure Madam Chair.
Sir Edmund you are a banker.
A very rich banker.
How can you justify paying yourself such a vast bonus every year? Because Iâm worth it.
If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
But you earn many times more than a cabinet minister! So clearly you see my point.
Sir Edmund, the crux of the matter is that Britainâs banks are broke.
If youâre as good as you say you are, why are you in crisis? Crisis? Iâm not in crisis.
- Are you not? - Nope.
How can I be in crisis? I own half of Kensington.
My pension pot is so big you could boil John Prescott in it.
Frankly, life couldnât be cushier if I was a mouse astronaut, whoâd just landed on the Moon, and discovered that it really is.
made of cheese.
Yes.
I donât think the Honourable Member was talking about you personally Sir Edmund, but rather your bank.
Oh my bank.
Oh What about it? Itâs twenty billion pounds in debt.
And your point? That you have no means of repaying it.
Why is the witness calling you My Lord, Sir Edmund? Because I bought a peerage at the Parliamentary Gift Shop on my way in, Madam Chair.
Thereâs a selection of honours for sale next to the Big Ben snow globes.
- So, Baldrick - I wish to address the Char Woman! Iâm afraid sheâs busy polishing the speaker's gavel.
Doesnât Mrs Bercow normally do that? Yes, normally, yes, but not this morning, sheâs got, oh yes, she's got an FHM magazine calendar shoot, followed by a meeting of Attention Seekers anonymous with Mrs Mensch and that mad cow that went in the jungle.
Donât you follow Twitter? Why do you want to address to the Char woman Baldrick? Objection your honour! It does not reek of foul disease, itâs just a bit spotty on the end thatâs all.
Brick, Baldrick, your brick reeks of foul disease.
Oh, well thatâs all right then.
Because I assure you I give little Baldrick a jiggle under the tap every other birthday.
The simple fact is Baldrick that you, like the rest of the public, ran up debts for numerous luxury items, such as fuel and food, that you could not possibly afford to repay.
- Yes I did sir.
- You are in fact, feckless.
I certainly am sir.
I havenât had a feck since our last holiday in Wales.
You borrowed and you borrowed.
What led you to this outrageous irresponsibility! You did mylord and those nice people at Melchett Melchett & Darling.
You took my small savings and then tempted me to borrow more, with your glossy brochures, smooth talking, and a free ball point pen.
Aha.
There we have it, madam chair.
For the sake of a biro, he and millions like him allowed us to impoverish the nation.
We, the bankers, are the victims here.
The victims of a public, who put their faith in people, who are manifestly only interested in their own enrichment! Are you suggesting Lord Blackadder that we blame the public for the entire Financial Crisis? Thatâs exactly what Iâm suggesting.
But that would absolve the Government, and the whole Financial Sector of all responsibility.
Well, I donât wish to sound impertinent but DUH! My god itâs brilliant.
Is is brilliant.
Itâs so brilliant it would win a place at Oxford, even if it had a Northern accent.
But it might be simpler, rather than blaming all the public, which could prove unpopular, I suggest that we simply blame Baldrick.
- What? Make him the scapegoat! Traduce him! Pillory him! Strip him of his trousers, roger him with the speakers gavel and let's just move on! But supposing, mylord, supposing I had a cunning plan? A cunning plan Baldrick, to correct the inherent weakness of unregulated markets, which must lead inevitably to the enrichment of the few, and the exploitation of the many? - Yes my lord, certainly my lord.
A cunning plan to force those predatory exploiters finally to come to terms with their destructive greed? - Yes my lord.
- Well, that would of course be brilliant.
Do you have such a plan? No my lord! Society must be avenged.
Bend over mr.
Baldrick, summon the Master at Arms, and bring me the speakers gavel!
Good morning everyone.
As you will have read from this morning's treasury forecasts the recession, which is definately not, and never has been, a depression, is now officially double double dip, with a couple of extra dips on the end, and further dips to be added on big news days, when the chancellor sees a chance to sneak one in.
This enquiry could not be more timely.
Ah, I couldn't agree more madam chair.
For the purposes of absolute transparency, could the Chair enlighten us as to how many dips the recession is actually currently at? Well Iâve been awfully firm with the Treasury on this one, and demanded s you say absolute transparency.
And the good news is.
it turns out there have actually been no dips at all.
- No dips? - None.
- The recession is dip free? - Entirely.
It is a dipless recession.
What it is in fact is a very very steep descent recession with a few little kinks in it.
âKinksâ Madam Chair? Yes.
Gentle undulations.
Yes.
Highly encouraging, momentary slackenings within the general freefall I mean for instance when Adele released her second album.
Huge boost to our balance of payments.
And the Americans quite liking Downton Abbey.
Tremendous shot in the arm for Brand UK.
- Absolutely.
And there was that lovely feel good moment last summer when everbody got terribly excited about Jess Ennisâs tummy.
Lovely tummy.
Like a living sculpture.
Sort of cute and intimidating all at the same time.
Such a tonic for the nation after all the doom and gloom.
No that tummy really defied the knockers.
Itâs so often the other way round.
Nonetheless, the big very long, steep, slightly kinky recession is still with us hence this enquiry which will be forensic and far reaching, drawing upon the finest minds in the financial world.
So I would like to move to call our first witness, Chief Executive Officer of Melchett, Melchett & Darling Merchant Bank, sir Edmund Blackadder! Sir Edmund thank you for joining us.
It is a senior pleasure Madam Chair.
Sir Edmund you are a banker.
A very rich banker.
How can you justify paying yourself such a vast bonus every year? Because Iâm worth it.
If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
But you earn many times more than a cabinet minister! So clearly you see my point.
Sir Edmund, the crux of the matter is that Britainâs banks are broke.
If youâre as good as you say you are, why are you in crisis? Crisis? Iâm not in crisis.
- Are you not? - Nope.
How can I be in crisis? I own half of Kensington.
My pension pot is so big you could boil John Prescott in it.
Frankly, life couldnât be cushier if I was a mouse astronaut, whoâd just landed on the Moon, and discovered that it really is.
made of cheese.
Yes.
I donât think the Honourable Member was talking about you personally Sir Edmund, but rather your bank.
Oh my bank.
Oh What about it? Itâs twenty billion pounds in debt.
And your point? That you have no means of repaying it.
Why is the witness calling you My Lord, Sir Edmund? Because I bought a peerage at the Parliamentary Gift Shop on my way in, Madam Chair.
Thereâs a selection of honours for sale next to the Big Ben snow globes.
- So, Baldrick - I wish to address the Char Woman! Iâm afraid sheâs busy polishing the speaker's gavel.
Doesnât Mrs Bercow normally do that? Yes, normally, yes, but not this morning, sheâs got, oh yes, she's got an FHM magazine calendar shoot, followed by a meeting of Attention Seekers anonymous with Mrs Mensch and that mad cow that went in the jungle.
Donât you follow Twitter? Why do you want to address to the Char woman Baldrick? Objection your honour! It does not reek of foul disease, itâs just a bit spotty on the end thatâs all.
Brick, Baldrick, your brick reeks of foul disease.
Oh, well thatâs all right then.
Because I assure you I give little Baldrick a jiggle under the tap every other birthday.
The simple fact is Baldrick that you, like the rest of the public, ran up debts for numerous luxury items, such as fuel and food, that you could not possibly afford to repay.
- Yes I did sir.
- You are in fact, feckless.
I certainly am sir.
I havenât had a feck since our last holiday in Wales.
You borrowed and you borrowed.
What led you to this outrageous irresponsibility! You did mylord and those nice people at Melchett Melchett & Darling.
You took my small savings and then tempted me to borrow more, with your glossy brochures, smooth talking, and a free ball point pen.
Aha.
There we have it, madam chair.
For the sake of a biro, he and millions like him allowed us to impoverish the nation.
We, the bankers, are the victims here.
The victims of a public, who put their faith in people, who are manifestly only interested in their own enrichment! Are you suggesting Lord Blackadder that we blame the public for the entire Financial Crisis? Thatâs exactly what Iâm suggesting.
But that would absolve the Government, and the whole Financial Sector of all responsibility.
Well, I donât wish to sound impertinent but DUH! My god itâs brilliant.
Is is brilliant.
Itâs so brilliant it would win a place at Oxford, even if it had a Northern accent.
But it might be simpler, rather than blaming all the public, which could prove unpopular, I suggest that we simply blame Baldrick.
- What? Make him the scapegoat! Traduce him! Pillory him! Strip him of his trousers, roger him with the speakers gavel and let's just move on! But supposing, mylord, supposing I had a cunning plan? A cunning plan Baldrick, to correct the inherent weakness of unregulated markets, which must lead inevitably to the enrichment of the few, and the exploitation of the many? - Yes my lord, certainly my lord.
A cunning plan to force those predatory exploiters finally to come to terms with their destructive greed? - Yes my lord.
- Well, that would of course be brilliant.
Do you have such a plan? No my lord! Society must be avenged.
Bend over mr.
Baldrick, summon the Master at Arms, and bring me the speakers gavel!