Brass Eye (1997) s01e00 Episode Script

1 These are our children.
They skip down our streets but the paedophile is waiting.
Take a look at this.
What is it? Just a hillside? Look again.
There's a child there, no more than a blue speck, but the fact is, if you showed this picture to a paedophile, they'll actually attack it in an attempt to reach the child.
That's the sort of warped mindset we're dealing with.
Even our most drastic measures don't work.
Last month, notorious paedophile Sydney Cook was blasted into space to spend the rest of his life aboard a one-man prison vessel, posing no further threat to children on earth.
But an eight-year-old boy was also placed on board by mistake and is now trapped alone in space with the monster.
A spokesman said, "This is the one thing we didn't want to happen.
" Why can we no longer think of the British Isles without the world "paedoph" in front of them? Aaaagh! Good evening.
We're live from the epicentre of Operation Daisybird.
Welcome to Paedogeddon.
People like this are everywhere.
That's why my own children are here with me.
Good night, children.
They're safe tonight.
Are yours? I doubt it.
That's why we've taken over every major stadium in the country.
Please, we must have your children safe in one of those by midnight.
They're already filling up nicely, that's the check-in area in Cardiff.
Clowns are fitting children with antipaedophile canisters.
They can be remotely activated if the child goes missing.
They put off paedophiles by spraying the child with eight litres of pressurized sewerage.
We're after your help, too.
Footage of a paedophile disguised as a school.
He's been getting away with it for 12 years.
Do you know him? Have you seen him? Please call.
Yes, we must catch that man.
He really is a shit.
But let's start with a look at how the paedophile problem has grown over the years.
'Victorian Britain.
This man is having sex with a ten-year-old girl.
In our reconstruction, she's played by a 25-year-old woman.
The breasts are inaccurate.
A child's breasts are small, the nipples much like those of a boy.
But this isn't paedophilia, the girl's a whore.
Can I have the money now, please? In the 1950s, a questionnaire explained exactly what a paedophile was.
Each man in Britain was asked if he thought he was one.
92 per cent said yes.
1969 and the summer of Pan saw thousands of young paedophiles party without shame in parks and fields.
And as late as 1973, people thought nothing of hits like Playground Bang-a-round.
I'm turning, right in sight, a little boy on the slide Little girl on the swing And so sing, hold my thing Playground bang-a-round Bang a little boy, girl Playground bang-a-round Bang a little girl But today, the number of children having sex with adults is beyond belief.
If you define a child as anyone under 30, the figure is over 86 per cent.
Institutional paedophilia spreads wide-rife.
What did you do to ensure he wouldn't re-offend? We invited a ten-year-old boy into the room and we asked the man, "Are you attracted to this boy?" And he said no.
- And you believed him? - Yes.
Even though he put his hand down the boy's trousers? He was trying to save the boy from a fly.
We have become a people confused.
"Dear Sir, I am a paedophile.
"Can I have sex with this three-year-old now she's 21?" - No way.
- You should be in a mental asylum.
A large crowd has gathered outside Dredgemore prison to protest against the release of paedophile Jez North.
Ted Maul has this there.
Yes, and I don't know if you can sense the aggression but ten minutes ago, we threw this crowd a dummy full of guts.
It lasted just eight seconds.
This is very much a protest that's swallowed a bomb and given the detonator to a monkey.
What's that behind you, Ted? The giant, dressed as a girl? It's been here all day.
Thanks, Ted.
So who is Jez North? In 1986, Jez North was convicted for multiple acts.
We believe his story is actually too upsetting to transmit.
We only do so tonight with that proviso.
'I drew pictures of him and they were disgusting.
'His handwriting was definitely too big.
'I remember once he got his bum out.
Like so many of his kind, North was required to leave school after passing exams and took a job delivering potatoes - the perfect cover for a serial robe intruder.
By night he trawled these hell blocks for innocent vulnerables.
Aaaaaaagh Fuck offfff! I recently met one of North's victims.
She was, in fact, so upset she would only talk to us through her sister disguised as a plastic troll.
She still can't really speak about it.
We asked Kelly if she would mind demonstrating North's perversions.
Someone who agrees to rub their breasts on television is clearly inexcusably disturbed.
But incredibly, it took the police another eight years to bring North to justice.
At this house, on the 26th of March, 1986, North was arrested.
He received four life sentences to run Austen Tasseltine? - Sequentially.
- Thanks, Austen.
But even in prison, North's rastopaedic impulses found new outlets.
He was allowed to write articles for a magazine edited by a man who at that time had a nine-year-old nephew with a nice pink arse and no hair on his balls.
The orgy of sly-winking usury was only brought to an end by a stairwell nonce-bashing, which left North braindead and quadrospazzed on a life-glug.
Jez North is released tomorrow.
Can we be sure that pervert mechanics haven't built him one of these? Of course we can't.
Which is why your children could very soon be splatted by a roboplaegic wrongcock.
Now, what are the facts about paedophiles? Lardon Irridesco reports.
No Offenc, the leading authority on paedophiles.
Using Britain's best-loved heads And I'm talking nonce-sense.
to broadcast paedophile facts This is a crab.
This has sex with kids.
to those most in danger.
The army has never launched an offensive against a six-year-old child.
Gerald Howarth here for No Offenc, incorporating No Offence, No Offence, No Offence and No Fanks.
Paedophiles are very good at disguising themselves.
These are two photographs of the same paedophile, before and after.
And it works, too.
This man is still at large in the US.
He is believed to have a low-status job inside the music industry.
How brazen and shameless is the modern paedophile? Well, take a look at this card here.
What sort of sick individual puts things like this up in a telephone box? What was going through his mind? Genetically, paedophiles have more genes in common with crabs than they do with you and me.
Now, that is scientific fact.
There's no real evidence for it but it is scientific fact.
Children today often have mobile phones but so too do paedophiles using text message slang.
Because they're on edge, they dial wrong numbers.
Watch out for these.
Pipe-to-pipe bushmen - code for two paedophiles having sex with each other while watching children from a shrub.
DBL means Dusky Blonde Lulu - a male paedophile disguised as a lion.
Baltimora.
This means literally "I'm running at them now with my trousers down.
" This man is using clapping to describe a six-year-old child alone in a department store while her mother is distracted using a mobile telephone.
Other paedophiles in the area can now take advantage of this child by using this method of communication.
I'd like to play you a piece of music called Stay Away From Me by the American chart-toppers Smash My Brother's Face In.
Stay away from me Stay away Stay away from me Stay away from me, stay away from me, stay away A paedophile would be really nonplussed if you opened your mouth and that noise came out so learn it.
Quadded and rammed, public support for antipaedophile technology.
The Singapore solution - a paedophile has a cashew-nut sized implant in his rectum.
These devices are triggered by the sound of children's voices.
It hears those voices, it expands to the size of a 42-inch colour television set.
Bang.
They fall to the ground, shrieking, and the children are safe.
- Very good.
- Very good idea.
- Brilliant.
- Yes.
And a self-confessed paedophile is confronted with what he is.
You are a paedophile.
You are a nonce.
You are a perv.
You're a slot-badger.
You're a two-pinned inplug.
You're a bush-dodger.
You're a small bean regarder.
You're an una-bummer.
You're a nut administrator.
You're a bent ref.
You're the crazy world of Arthur Brown.
You're a fence vole.
You're a free willy.
You're a chimney-bottler, a bunty-man.
You're a shrub-rocketeer.
Yes, you just mentioned some of the names that we have to put up with every day.
It's just another form of racism.
Focusgroup Delivering justice under men who prey sex on our children.
Men who have sacrificed the right to a life without pain.
I know how they look, I know how they think.
I was one, for Christ's sake! Ten years ago, I had designs on my own kids.
I knew that one day, I might act on them.
So to stop me, I shot myself in my own head.
I killed the paedophile in me.
Now I do the same for society.
Because these men have chosen the way of the animal.
They don't deserve punishment, they deserve gunishment.
The Pedo-Files starts next week on 4 after Paedophile Island - 100 kids and an ex-offender on an island full of cameras, what's going to happen?! Welcome back.
There has just been an attempt to break into Dredgemore prison and attack paedophile Jez North.
Ted Maul is there.
Yes, a vigilante has just tried to fire himself over the walls using a giant catapult.
Earlier, a test projectile, believed to be a side of beef, cleared the parapets by a full 20 feet.
But when the man himself was fired, his trajectory was all out of goose.
He thumped into the wall, his bones breaking on impact.
Medics say he may live, but only with his neck as an internal organ.
Still in the paddock, the web perverts who sell trousers to disguise erections in playgrounds.
I think it's an absolute disgrace to use the internet to market these "trust me" trousers.
It's very difficult legally to pin them with the offence, because it covers that they're stimulated in the groin area.
And paedophilia for laughs? - Who wants a sweetie? - 'Reformed abuser Fenton Beasey has a best-selling autobiography and now runs bus tours of his old haunts.
You'll have to do something for Uncle Beasey first.
Lift up your skirt.
- 'Why are they laughing? - Hair! I don't like hair! Is he right to milk his perversion? When you have children of your own, you remember Uncle Beasey and get them to undress by the window, OK? Only kidding, only kidding.
Excellent, I've been on that bus trip myself.
It really is very funny.
You'd enjoy that, Valise.
Yes.
Most stadiums are over half full now.
There is a parent riot now in Leeds, after a paedophile in a microlight committed an overhead perversion at Headingley.
But police helicopters chased him into pylons, where he crashed screaming like a pig in a war.
So what's next for Britain? Tarted up tots at American pageants.
How long before we see this in Nuneaton or Diss? Look at these.
- Oh, are they real? - Well, they're enhanced.
- Like 'em? - Oh, they are so cute.
We didn't want to go too big.
They jiggle.
Oh, I've got to get some of those for you, baby, they are Our children are obsessed by the American rap artist JLb-8.
Self-styled king of Nu-Ass music, he's sold over 80 million records and dates girls as young as seven.
Turn away from me so I can see your little white butt - He's the coolest.
- Definitely.
Therapistes declare "I never found a hair" On your little white butt Little white butt Bate claims he's been unfairly treated.
Don't you think you should ask my Dad maybe Why his dick was up my ass before I was even a baby? Sure my butt was over the cervix That's not a free hole for pervdicks He fucked me anally, prenatally I'm only doing unto them as he did unto me - But he's a paedophile.
- So? Like we care! It polishes my balls, inside my crack Two more working my prostate with a windshield wiper - Would you hate him kissing you? - No! Even our own artists seem hell-bent on depravitivity.
Pseudo photographs, composite images, which can be dangerous.
They become indecent by virtue of the way they've been altered.
Right.
Work in progress by an art collective.
A nude woman's body, a little girl's head.
Now, I did actually find that quite - sexually - Arousing? Arousing image.
Yes.
Uh Well, the fact that you did does not mean that that's an indecent photo.
Why not? Because it's not.
The body is not one of a child.
Indecent? Hmm.
Now in my view, that would be.
- That's indecent? - Yes.
Yeah.
- Um, indecent or not? - No.
If this were the eyes of a child No.
Let's just put the whole head on, yeah? I'm saying we put that head on there.
Then yes, it would be indecent.
OK, and, uh we'll just do that.
Oh, God.
Will the artist mind? I don't care.
It's made me quite angry, this.
We'll pay for it.
There.
That is an indecent image, is it? Yes.
Now, why are no paedophiles black? And you, leave the kids alone! Or else! Now, a quick recap for you.
Paedophiles - crabs.
Simple.
Hold that thought.
- Let me out of here! - Just a second.
I'm sorry but we've been invaded by the militant paedophile organisation, Milit-Pede.
Their leader, Gerard Chote.
You demand to have your say on live TV.
Tell us what you believe.
What do you believe? I I believe that intergenerational sex is - is appropriate within a loving - Sex with children? - Yes.
- Stop right there.
Come on.
Well done, mate.
OK.
That's my son, Johnny.
Have a look at him.
Now are you prepared to tell me - you want sex with my son? - No! - You're ashamed.
- No, I'm not ashamed.
- Tell me you want him.
- I don't! - Why not? - I don't fancy him.
- What do you mean? - I just don't.
I don't find him attractive, I'm sorry.
Good actually.
You're prepared to tell the father of a six-year-old - that you want to have sex - I didn't.
Effectively you did.
He did, Swanchita, didn't he? - Yes, that is just so - Yeah.
- I didn't.
- You did.
Wait a minute The latest menace Absolutely revolting.
to require urgent warnings from expert communicators.
So if you could hold that right under the camera.
Pantu The Dog, a child's game on the internet, but look again.
'An on-line paedophile has converted that eye to work as a webcam to look at the child player.
Sometimes the child can glimpse the molester in that kennel, bouncing around and waving.
Wearing a T-shirt like this, the on-line paedophile can disguise himself as a child.
So the child thinks it's playing with another child.
It's called a HOECS game, a Hidden On-line Entrapment Control System.
Singapore police sent these pictures.
This man has plugged his groin into his computer to get sexual pleasure from the actions of a child playing with Pantu.
So every time you kids tickle Pantu, the paedophile gets his rocks off.
And it doesn't stop there.
In this shot, Pantu the dog has told the boy to press his face onto the soft screen.
On-line paedophiles use special gloves to feel and palpate the child's face.
In fact, with gloves like these, the manipulator can molest any part of the child's body placed against the screen.
We even have footage too alarming to show you, of a boy being interfered with by a penis-shaped sound wave generated by an on-line paedophile.
Paedophiles use an area of the internet the size of Ireland and through this they can control keyboards.
On-line paedophiles can actually make your keyboard release toxic vapours that make you suggestible.
I feel more suggestible and that was just with one sniff.
HOECS games can cause serious damage.
One child was trapped on-line for a whole night and came away with the jaded, listless sexual appetite of a 60-year-old colonel.
Here are the warning signs to show that your child might be in trouble.
Are they upset? Do they smell odd? Weird question, but HOECS games make your child smell like hammers.
So come on, experts, why is no one telling us about this stuff? There's a kid in Canada who's gone almost completely 2D and no one's doing anything.
Please, sit your kids down tonight and tell them about HOECS games.
Let's strangle Pantu.
Let's put a bomb under Pantu's chin and stamp on his throat.
Let's rip this dog's brains out.
There's been a dramatic development at Dredgemore - Ted Maul has this.
An eruption of anger, the smell of burnt hair in the air.
Just minutes ago, authorities tried to sneak North out the back.
It didn't work.
The crowd set upon the transporter.
One man ended up plaited round the axle, they ripped North out and at that point we became ominously aware of a 25-foot wicker phallus.
Seconds later, North was ablaze.
Sheets of flame, dancing to the beat of primitive animal justice.
One man kebabed, hundreds scarred forever by a shared blood ritual.
And yet, an astonishing sense of community here now, a positive atmosphere, a sense of a job well done, a shared sigh of relief, very much like the bizarre euphoria at the end of an hour's vomiting.
Chris.
And we are already getting e-mails about the burning - "Well done", a lot of support here, even from hardened nonces.
Well, it has been a great night, hasn't it? Two million children now safe in our stadiums.
A Peter File was attacked this evening.
But if your surname was File, would you call your son Peter? - No! - And look.
If a child does take your fancy, please, leave it a couple of years.
- I did.
- Good night.
One day I want to But not today She can be kissed But in an innocent way And her cherry must ripen Naturally in the sun Oooh One day We're not ready yet We're not ready today One day There's a little minx, should I ply her with drinks? No! One day But not today And not even tomorrow But maybe the day after that Do you feel children, and their power to make decisions, are underestimated? - Very much so.
- And we know from history that there was a four-year-old general at Waterloo.
Absolutely.
- A headmaster in China, aged three.
- Yes.
We know Idi Amin had a smothering, slobbering aunt.
Precisely, and could he say no to her? Perhaps not.
If you don't make a problem out of it, it won't become such a problem.
And you won't have so many damaged people.
- Tete-a-derriere.
- Yes, quite frankly, yes.
Last night a DJ saved my life.
How? By writing this music which contains advice on avoiding strangers.
And who was the DJ? None other than DJ Bob Hoskins going mental in a dustbin.
Keep away from the guy with the funny eyes Keep away from the funny-eyed guy Here's a check-list to help you spot a paedophile.
They're all taken from recent police reports.
If someone says take your clothes off in case your thumbs get too hot.
If someone shows you a model of your home town and the houses look like penises.
If someone thinks goldfish are the same as flatfish.
Nonce-sense.
Put that in your ears last thing at night, because the lesson trickles in.
And behavioural psychology tells us that in the morning you'll be 17.
8 per cent safer.