Cold Feet (1997) s01e00 Episode Script
Pilot
(Snoring) We could still be friends.
Or not.
- What are you doing? The accounts? - My ovulation chart.
Your what? Tells me when l'm most fertile.
And when's that? Just about here.
Oh.
Tonight.
Don't be late home.
Karen, that's a confidential memo he's screwing up.
l don't suppose he's read it.
l'm late.
l've left some shirts to be washed.
They're white, OK? And when did the cleaners say my suit will be ready? - Er, tomorrow.
- l need it for Frankfurt.
Look, l've got to go.
Nearly forgot.
Junior sausage, be good for Mummy, all right? And Daddy will be back real soon.
Actually, l may be a bit late.
See you, guys.
Oh, Rach, it's really beautiful.
Really, really beautiful.
- Simon, l've got to go.
- No, l mean, really, really Love you.
- Cheers.
- Thanks a lot, mate.
Do you want a hand with the big words? (Both whistle ''You Are My Sunshine'') Are you still seeing whatshername? - Split up.
- What was wrong with this one? She wasn't right.
She liked Wet Wet Wet.
lt's a fault, l'll admit, but it's hardly a crime against humanity.
- Have you heard any of their albums? - (Sighs) Jenny's got one.
When's this tram coming? l best be home.
She's got a temperature.
- She's got a temperature? - Yeah, the right one, for breeding.
- Still trying for a baby? - Yeah.
Tell me about it.
- (Sighs) l'm on duty tonight.
- Best lubricate the engine.
- No, l can't.
- Go on, just the one.
No.
Absolutely not.
- Sohow long were you with Liz? - Liz? Liz was a personal best.
Three months.
But Liz was before Gemma.
And it's Sue l've just split up with.
l can't keep track of you.
l've never had much stamina.
1 00 metres man.
Crap at cross-country.
So, who's the next victim? There can't be many left.
Well, most of the best ones are taken.
Besides, women around 30 who haven't got a man, usually have a cat.
And l'm allergic to cats.
- Are you really? - Mm.
My nose runs, l can't breathe.
Takes the joy out of snogging.
Yeah.
So does being married.
Your choice.
Hello.
Right.
My round.
Don't you want cream with those? Mm? Oh, erno.
l have some news.
l've been offered a promotion.
Simon, that is wonderful! Yeah, l mean, it would mean working away from home.
Erm Hong Kong, actually.
Yeah, l know.
You can't commute, which is why it was such a hard decision.
What? You've already accepted? Don't you think we should have discussed this? l'm not sure l'm ready to move to Hong Kong.
lt wouldn't be fair to ask you.
You've got your career.
- lt's a job, as you're always telling me.
- l'm going to be really busy.
lt would be better if l went alone.
Without any extra Baggage.
Responsibilities.
l see.
What? And you thought buy her dinner and then she won't cause a scene when l dump her? lt's not like that.
You're not going to cause a scene, are you? Screw you.
(Plate clatters) (Floorboards creak) Let me guess.
Swift half after work? Do you have any idea what alcohol does to your sperm count? l suppose it was Adam.
He was upset.
He's just split up with erm How many have you had? Five.
Maybe six.
Right.
Well, l suppose it's worth a try.
Go on, get into bed.
You know, it's not fair.
Adam may still be a adolescent but you've got responsibilities.
He doesn't even know how to spell the word.
But l won't think about that now.
Last thing l want on my mind at the point of conception is your mate Adam.
(Coins clatter on floor) Come on, Tiger.
(Toilet flushes) What's that? Oh, um, that's Adam.
What? lt's a bugger to flush that loo.
Hi, Jen.
- What's he doing here? - He missed the bus.
Pete said l could sleep in your spare room.
- Mmm.
No, you can't.
- Why not? Because we're just aboutto decorate.
That's OK, l'll sleep on the sofa downstairs.
God, l'm shagged.
Hell of a day.
Just split up with Sue.
Bit depressed.
Why do you wear make-up in bed? Oh, my God, l forgot! You're ovulating.
You told him.
l'll turn the TV up.
l won't hear a thing.
ADAM: Hey.
Good luck.
l got my bonus today.
Four figures.
Four large figures.
David? Mm.
l really want us to get a nanny.
We've been through this a hundred times.
l do not want my son brought up by some 1 8-year-old bimbo who can't get a proper job.
Everybody we know's got a nanny and they're quite happy with them.
Yeah.
Maybe they don't care as much as l do.
Look, a nanny is not a mother.
lf she was she'd be at home looking after babies of her own.
David, you can't just - Motherhood does not end at birth.
- Nor fatherhood at conception.
Christ, l go whole days without an intelligent conversation.
- Even after you get home.
- l've seen the phone bill.
lt may not be intelligent but it's one hell of a conversation.
(Phone rings) That'll be for you.
- Hello.
- Karen Why are men such bastards? Practice? (Background voice from TV) - l'm sorry.
- What? l can't do this to the sound of Jeremy Paxman.
l'll get him to turn it down.
No.
Don't bother.
Moment's passed.
Let's sleep, eh? No, but l'm aroused now.
Tough.
You should have thought of that before you brought him home.
No slinking off to the bathroom.
(Baby crying) KAREN: l think he's asking for you.
Aw You may not have noticed but l can't breast-feed.
You may not have noticed but l'm not breast-feeding any more.
(David groans sleepily) (Baby continues crying) Where are you going with that? To show it to Josh.
So when he grows up he'll recognise his father.
(Crash) (Both groan) What the hell were you doing? Me? You reversed without looking.
Yeah, at about 5mph.
You didn't have to ram me.
- Excuse me.
But whose car is touching whose? - Oh, terrific.
- A woman driver with a woman's logic.
- And a man with shit for brains.
Tell me, were you starved of oxygen at birth? Who was your driving instructor? Stevie Wonder? At least l had one.
Oh, how that man must have suffered.
lt was a woman, actually.
Erm Look, there isn't really any damage, but maybe we should swap phone numbers.
You know, just in case you want to get in touch with your insurance.
Systems analyst? What's that when it's at home? A job.
Umaren't you supposed to give me your number as well? Oh.
God, sorry.
Oh, erl haven't got a pen.
Pen? A pen.
Right.
Well, um Maybe see you around.
Rachel.
Oh, l'll be on the lookout for you.
Adam.
Good.
(Hums) You Are My Sunshine No.
No.
No.
No! Rachel.
291 0349.
291 0349.
291 0349.
291 0349.
Come on, come on.
291 0349.
(Rings) 291 0349.
291 0349.
291 0349.
291 0349.
Hello? Who? No, this is 636 81 42.
OK.
Shit.
Ah, yeah.
Yeah.
Right.
Yeah.
- You can't wear those.
- They're clean.
They heat up your testicles.
Put some boxers on.
Hang on.
You said there were no decent women left.
I know.
So you met Miss Right.
You got a phone number and lost it.
- Yep.
- Oh Adam, even by your standards, that is impressive.
Still saves you the three months till you chuck her.
No, no, this one was different.
Ho-ho, ho! Deja vu.
This one's different? - I know I've said it before but this time I mean it.
- This time he means it.
- Where am l going to find her? - No address? All l know is that she's called Rachel, and her phone number begins with 9.
Or 6.
And she drives a Mini.
Smashed headlight.
And come Saturday she shops at your IocaI Tesco's.
(Mutters) (Mimics) l shall be on the next plane home to Denmark.
Bruce, what's the difference between an au pair and a nanny? - Looks, mainly.
- And erreliability.
l wouldn't trust Brigitte after ten o'clock, not with a two-year-old.
Have you thought about getting a nanny for Joshua? We don't need one.
Karen can cope.
Shit! Shit! More wine.
l'm out of touch.
What do you do when someone asks you out? ln your case, say yes.
l mean, do you tell his wife? - What? - Andrew.
He's asked me out.
Howard's meant to be your date.
- Why? - He's divorced.
Look, Karen, l know that being married you can't imagine anyone's happy on their own.
The fact is, l am.
My life is full and satisfying as it is.
So what did you do last night, Rach? - Watched television.
- Night before? - Watched television.
- Night before? OK, OK, maybe l need to go out more.
Last thing l need right now is a relationship.
A relationship? l'm just talking about some fun.
- (Male laughter) - With Howard? What about that bloke from Tesco's? - What bloke? - The one whose car you hit.
He hit mine.
Whatever.
You said he seemed nice.
He had potential, sure.
But l know nothing about him.
And he hasn't rung me.
Rachel, it's no longer the 1 9th century.
We're allowed to ask them to dance.
Still got his number? Oh, God! l don't know.
l mean, possibly Top drawer.
Left-hand side of my desk.
(Phone rings) Hello.
HeIIo.
Um Is that Andy WiIIiams? No, this is Adam Williams.
Oh erm l'm sorry.
l haven't got my contacts in.
- Who is this? - Oh, yes.
Erm l'm Rachel Bradley.
l don't know if you remember me Rachel! Of course l do! RACHEL: WeII, Iisten The thing is, l just was wondering if you wanted to go for a drink erm sometime.
Dancebeat (Whoops) Yes! Yes! Yes! Rachel! Hi.
OK.
You arrived ten minutes late.
That's good.
Then what? l made it absolutely clear what the score was.
l've split up with my boyfriend.
l don't want any other relationships.
l don't want any misunderstandings.
l thought it would be nice to have company.
Would you like a drink? Gin and tonic.
ADAM: I knew there and then I was in.
Yeah? Gagging for it.
Sodid you turn on the charm? Hey, l could teach Mel Gibson.
Thank you.
- There you go, sir.
- Thank you.
Hello.
For a moment there you were going to go down on me.
He said what? RACHEL: Maybe I misheard.
It was rather noisy.
Excuse me, l'll just DlNER: Ow! - Hey, watch it.
- Sorry.
KAREN: OK.
So, he sexuaIIy harassed you and then stabbed another diner with a fork.
RACHEL: Mm.
Toilet.
Won't you ring Howard? l had a good time.
KAREN: Yeah? How good? - There you go, sir.
- Thank you.
- l hate it when they do that.
- Bring the bill? Yeah, me too.
Give it to the man.
We'll split it.
Well, let me give you a lift home.
- What? You brought your car? - No.
But we could share a cab.
l live on the other side of town to you.
That's OK.
One of my hobbies is travelling.
Look l meant what l said.
About just wanting a friend.
Yeah.
Yeah Me, too.
PETE: She'sjust pIaying hard to get.
Pete! Lesbians don't play this hard to get.
lt's been six weeks, over 1 ,000 hours.
l haven't been this celibate since puberty.
Can you imagine what it's like to go this long without sex? No.
l had this one idea - brilliant it was.
Took her to a exhibition of erotic photography.
Warm her up a bit.
PETE: Last of the great romantics! And? All l got was the usual peck on the cheek, and a stonking great Don't even think about finishing that sentence.
- Pete, when are you off to London? - Er A week on Saturday.
l'm going to burst with sexual frustration! - You'll have to make it another day.
- What? - lt's perfect for my next cycle.
- lt's the Charity Shield.
They can't change it for your periods.
Excuse me! Who are we meant to be discussing? - So what am l going to do? - What about? The price of turnips! Aaarh! Rachel! Getting her into bed.
Suggest having a baby.
Look, it's simple.
You've got to get her back to your place.
lnvite her out to a place near where you live.
Then afterwards, down the pub, few drinks, and Bob's your uncle.
(Jenny clears throat) Excuse me.
Don't you think she might suspect? You didn't.
RACHEL: So Iet me get this straight.
lt's an existentialist drama, set in 1 9th-century Peru about the struggle between the Church and state.
- It's by my one of favourite pIaywrights.
- Oh, and who's that? Er Fernanda Cristobal de Miranda.
lnteresting guy.
lsn't that a woman's name? Er that's what makes him interesting.
And it's all in Spanish, yeah? Yeah, but it is mostly mime.
Go on.
lt will be fun.
All right.
Where is it on at? Um Oh, quite close to me, actually.
Oh, quite close to me, actually! He's a bloke.
He's got glands.
- Anyway, you've agreed to go.
- Yeah, to the theatre.
Not to bed.
Why not? You like this guy.
You have fun, so why not have some more? l only go to bed with men l'm involved with.
And l'm not getting involved.
- (Slurps) - What do you think? l think you should sleep with him.
Ciento.
Veintiocho pesetas el dollar.
Firme sus cheques, por favor.
Nji! Nji! Nji ADAM: I am so sorry.
That's all right.
lt was only four hours of my life.
l swear l didn't know there was going to be audience participation.
- We even missed last orders.
- Mm.
Well here's my flat.
And here's my car.
l don't suppose Coffee? Well Good night.
l wouldn't say no to a Scotch, though.
lsn't she just a gorgeous girl? - What are you doing? - Wakies.
What are you doing? l'm just a fool, you never can win - Ow! RACHEL: Ooh.
Did you just bang your head? Kiss me with the camera.
Hello! Darling.
Coming in? Miss you, miss you, miss you, miss you.
Still missing you.
lt's a bit like the election of a new Pope, isn't it? Waiting to see what colour smoke comes out the chimney? (Doorbell chimes) - Are you expecting anybody? Don't know yet.
Hello, stranger.
We nearly reported you missing.
You're here every other day, then you get laid, and then for a month, nothing.
- l've been busy.
- l can imagine.
- Where's your delicious wife? - At the Vatican.
- Black smoke.
- Oh, love.
- For you.
- Thanks.
Why? Mostly because l feel like spreading a little joy.
Partly because they were half-price.
- l take it things are going well, then.
- Couldn't be better.
l knew you'd want to know.
- l'll put a pot of coffee on.
- Better make it a large one.
And then the following night we went to the cinema.
Are we up to date yet? l think l prefer it when he's miserable.
l hated it.
Still it's good to like different things, isn't it? BOTH: Yeah.
That's what's so great about Rachel, l'm doing stuff l've never tried before.
Oh, God, he's going to tell us about his sex life.
- Last weekend, we went for a waIk.
- Uh-uh.
Wait.
Wait.
Stop.
Stopstop right there.
You went for a walk with your girlfriend.
You despise couples who do things like that.
Next thing you know he'll be giving her a pet name.
Pingu? Oh, please! l'd do anything for you.
Yeah, sure.
Like l haven't heard that one before.
Go on.
- What? - Try me.
All right.
All right.
Would you serenade me? Yes.
ln the nude? Yeah.
With a rose stuck up your bum? We should get going really, shouldn't we? - Rach? - Yeah.
PETE: You didn't.
JENNY: He did.
l love you.
Good.
PETE & JENNY: Way-hey! Whoo! - Are you nervous? - About meeting your friends? Oh, yes.
Don't be.
They're really nice.
Well, Karen is.
David's a bit pompous.
You know, a wine buff.
Shit.
ls he? Just give it to Karen.
There is one other thing about David.
He's a friend of Simon's.
Terrific.
Don't worry, he won't mention him.
So, you must be the chap trying to fill Simon's shoes.
- David.
- Rachel.
Shall l take that? Ah! Bulgarian.
Yes, they make some very underrated wines, the Bulgarians.
Though this isn't one of them.
You all know Rachel, don't you? And this is her current beau, Alan.
ErAdam.
- Done any karate yourself? - No.
Not like Simon then, eh? He's a black belt.
Alan, we were just discussing the ERM.
What's your view? Well, l thought their last album was shite.
Are you sure you don't want to give Howard a ring? Anyone see the cricket? So it's quite normal to forget things and feel inadequate? Oh, God, yes.
All new mothers go through that.
Have you thought about getting some help? You mean like The Samaritans? l was thinking more of hired help.
David thinks nannies are for failed mothers.
Your champagne was getting warm.
You mean you wanted to escape? Well, yes Hey! Look at you.
- What is it? - lt's a baby.
- A boy, eight months old.
Do you like babies? - l prefer cats.
- l thought you were allergic to cats.
- l am.
Are you getting broody? No.
So this is where you got to.
Come on, l'll show you my wine collection.
Give you a few tips.
(Baby cries) So, just remember, Alan, if a wine had ''made from several European countries'' on the label, it generally isn't any good.
PETE: You didn't! No.
Of course not.
But, God, l wanted to.
Cocky bastard.
RacheI wants us to go on hoIiday with them - skiing.
l hate skiing.
- l didn't know you'd been.
- l haven't, but l hate the idea.
- When are you meeting the parents? - Next Sunday.
- How did you know l was? - lt's the next stage.
- What? - Adam, you have to read women's magazines.
Meeting the parents.
Next stage, the wedding rehearsal.
She's 30.
She's playing for keeps.
How long have you been seeing her? Three months.
Point of no return, mate.
You've gotta put your foot down.
Reclaim your independence.
Otherwise (Sighs) .
.
you'll end up in a place like this.
Some stranger fiddling about with your privates.
One of the tests is to see if my sperm fertilises a gerbil's egg.
No! lmagine that.
Half man, half gerbil.
l'm not looking forward to this.
Sex to order is one thing.
But a J Arthur.
Shall l come with you? ln case you need a hand? You've got enough worries of your own, mate.
Your days of being young, free and single are well and truly over.
David rang earlier.
He was wondering if you play golf.
- l said we'll meet on Saturday.
- Erm l'm not sure if l'm free.
You are.
Checked it in your diary.
You've been reading my diary? - You left it lying around so l - Not for you to read.
Adam, it's a pocket diary.
lt hardly contains your deepest thoughts.
Unless you count ''6:30 pint with Pete''.
Like yours is right out of Dickens.
''Thursday, period starts.
'' Excuse me, am l missing something here? l can't find my shirts.
- They're in the wardrobe.
- What? What are they doing there? Nothing much.
Hanging, mostly.
You've ironed them! l like to leave them in my bag and iron each one as l need it.
Adam, you're crap at ironing.
You add creases.
What other helpful things have you done? Like you notice! Cleaning the bath after you've used it.
Picking your pubic hair off the soap, putting milk back in the fridge.
Nagging.
You left that off the list.
Look, l live life my way.
Yeah.
Like a pig.
Give me that.
l didn't ask you to move in.
l haven't moved in! Besides, l'm moving out.
How can you move out if you haven't moved in? Watch me.
(Doorbell rings) What now? ls this not a good time? Well, things just didn't work out.
l mean l'm supposed to be in property but the only flat l could find was above a brothel run by the Triads.
Most of all, l missed you, Rach.
l talked to David.
He said you'd been seeing someone.
l have been, yes.
A computer salesman? A systems analyst.
Whatever that is.
And are you happy? Hey, hey Hey, what's the matter? Oh, sweetness.
Rachel.
Rach.
Nessun Dorma (Sings nonsense) Vincero! Vincero! Vincero! My name's Adam Williams.
You've been great.
Good night.
God! l can't believe l'm telling you my problems with men.
We used to tell each other everything.
Look, Rach, l hate to see you upset.
But l can't pretend that l'm not happy that you've fallen out with Alan.
Actually, it's Adam.
PETE: (Posh voice) Come on, you absolute shower.
Champagne? Here we go! Aw! (WhistIing and Iaughter) Wake up, step up to reaIity AII this wiII be finished by the time I do Just the thought of you makes me stop just before I begin (Phone rings) Hello.
ADAM: It's me.
Don't put the phone down.
Look l'm really sorry about earlier.
l was being stupid.
- Yes, you were.
- Rach l'm really missing you.
But l could come over if you like.
Not tonight, Adam.
No.
Well, well, no.
OK, l just wanted to let you know.
- Good night.
- Good night, Adam.
ls everything all right? KAREN: You sIept with him! RACHEL: I was feeIing confused.
And since? l'm still feeling confused.
You're sleeping with them both? l'm really torn, Karen.
(Sighs) l love being with Adam.
He's great fun.
He's like a big kid.
But that's also his problem.
Whereas Simon is more mature.
More reliable.
Reliable? Rachel, he left you.
He came back.
OK, let me get this straight.
Simon knows about Adam but Adam doesn't know about Simon, right? Yes.
You'll have to tell Adam.
He's a grown-up.
He can take it.
Now l get it! ln that film when you laughed before the jokes you'd already been with him! How could you? - lt wasn't worth seeing once! - Actually, it got better.
So, have you folks made your mind up? Zabaglione.
Oh, l can't decide.
The ertiramisu as usual? And here! My God, l'm dating Mata Hari.
Adam, the thing is, l don't know what l want.
You're going to have to choose.
Him or me.
So, which will it be? PETE: Tiramisu.
Zabaglione.
But she dumped me all the same.
Now you know how it feels to be on the receiving end, eh? Thanks, Jenny.
That's really supportive.
lt's all you deserve.
You were going to do a runner.
Rachel beat you to the door.
l thought she was getting too clingy.
Oops.
Even Pete said she was showing all the signs.
Did you? - Er not in so many words, no.
- ln precisely those words.
Ah, this morning's post.
''Slippery slope.
Put your foot down, show her who's boss.
'' To think l listened to dickless here.
That's not fair, Adam.
No, it's not, and l passed my sperm test.
The first time l really care for someone, fate buggers it up.
Oh, right.
First it's Pete's fault then it's fate's.
There should be some certificate.
- Yeah.
Adam Williams.
Never to blame.
- Or a sticker - My Sperm Count! No, no.
lt is my fault, Jenny.
l should never have allowed myself to fall in love with her.
But you didfall in love.
Fight for her.
Come on.
lf you really care.
- Go on! - Ow! What is it with men? A genetic disorder.
You say you want things like love and children.
But once they're on offer you look for a way out.
You were relieved that Rachel chose Simon.
lt got you off the hook.
You know, if you don't want to get hooked, don't go fishing.
Her machine's on.
So you're gonna give up, just like that, are you? Look, Jenny, it's over! What's the point? She's not waiting for me, she's with the Karate Kid and his bijou residence on the Broadhurst Road.
Nice area.
Sorry.
Go on, Jenny.
Hit me again.
Go on! l don't care.
We need some more wine.
DONlZETTl: L'Elisir d'Amore Una furtiva lagrima Negl' occhi suoi spunto (Shrill alarm) (Baby cries) (Phone rings) Hello.
Karen, what's that noise? The bIoody smoke aIarm.
I burnt some toast.
- Well, switch it off.
- David, I'm trying to.
Talk to your son, David.
There you are, darling, tell Daddy.
(Alarm continues) Sugar? (Baby screams) Josh.
Put Mummy back on.
(Crossly) Yes.
Look, can't stop.
Just to say l'll be home a bit late.
You're always home a bit late.
Yeah, well, this is going to be a bit later.
(Doorbell rings) - Yes? - Evening, ma'am.
- We're from the Evangelical Church (Baby starts crying) .
.
bringing you our message of hope and salvation.
(Baby screams) And patience? Excuse me.
JENNY: Even Adam couIdn't take this Iong to buy a bottIe of wine.
Maybe he's having trouble choosing.
Do you think he went to Rachel's? No, she's not in.
lsn't Simon a black belt? Get your car keys.
And so to recap.
Be clear about your bottom line.
Settle for nothing less.
Use counter arguments.
lf all else fails, issue an ultimatum.
David? We're getting a nanny.
- Karen, l'm giving a seminar.
- l don't care.
l want a nanny! - We'll discuss it later.
- We'll discuss it now.
l am not prepared to leave my child with some woman who, for all we know, - could have a history of mental illness.
- We let your sister baby-sit.
We'll use a reputable agency and check references.
You're happy, are you, if Josh grows up thinking of someone else as his Mummy? He'll know who his mummy is, though you're so rarely there he could be forgiven for thinking it's a one-parent family.
And where am l? At work, providing for my family and now you want me to provide for a nanny? l can work part time.
No, l am fundamentally opposed to the idea.
l will not share my house with a nanny.
David Unless we get a nanny, you won't have to share your house at all because l'll leave.
And l'll take Josh with me.
(Josh cries) - Yes, darling.
All right.
We'll get a nanny.
Thank you.
The purpose of that role-playing exercise was to illustrate the four key points of successful negotiation.
l know you thought it was real.
l'm sorry to disappoint you, - but that lady was a quite brilliant actress.
- (Laughter) Darling? l've locked myself out.
Can l borrow your keys? Wet Wet Wet.
l hate Wet Wet Wet.
Typical.
- l'm sorry.
l've got the wrong house.
- What's wrong with my house? Nothing.
lt's a lovely house, but not the one l'm looking for.
You want to buy a house? No, l'm looking for someone called Simon.
The estate agent? Snobby bastard.
Lives over there.
White door.
- All right.
Where is she? - ln the shower.
- Where do you think you're going? - Get off me! Who the hell's that? - Where's Rachel? - Who's Rachel? - You said she was in the shower.
- She was.
Oh, you see l didn't mean that l didn't realise that you and him You don't know where Simon is, do you? Next door.
Sorry.
Christ, you're big.
- Simon, right? - Yeah.
- All right, where is she? - Adam? Hey, hey.
Excuse me, you can't just barge in here - What are you doing here? - l had to see you.
- ls this the computer salesman? - Systems analyst.
- Whatever that is.
- l'll explain it sometime.
You can't pick him.
l love you too much.
- We don't have to listen to this.
- We're right for each other.
l got cold feet.
But l'm ready to hang my shirts in your wardrobe if you'll let me! Oh! l'm OK.
lt's all right.
l'm OK.
(Groans) Aaah Hey, hey, come on.
- Don't cry.
- No.
- lt's over.
He's history, babe.
- l'm fine.
Yeah.
Come on.
Hey, come on, sweetness.
l've got you under my skin l've got you deep in the heart of me Jesus, what now? So deep in my heart that you're really a part of me l've got you under my skin l'd sacrifice anything come what might For the sake of having you near ln spite of the warning voice that comes in the night and the - l'm going to put a stop to this! - Oh, Simon, no! Don't you know, little fool You never can win Use your mentality Wake up to reality But each time l do just the thought of you Makes me stop Oops.
- What the hell's he doing? - For crying out loud.
- Stop the car.
Stop the car.
- Oh, my God.
(Thud) (Angry shouting and struggling) (Siren) Hey, come on! Pack it in! Come on, then.
Hey! Quiet! Now, then.
What's the reason for all this? ALL: Him.
Get out of my bushes.
Hello.
We'll start with gross indecency.
- Oh, come on, it's not gross.
- From here it's very gross.
He's ruined my roses.
- Trespass.
- And criminal damage.
All right, Miss Marple, l'll do the charging.
- He ran into my house and attacked me.
- Assault.
He had a go at me and my boyfriend.
And battery.
You've had a busy day, lad.
Right, in the car and don't get any mud on the seats.
Stop! Stop! Wait, please.
- Do you wish to make a statement? - Yes.
Adam, l love you.
Rachel.
l didn't dare admit it.
l wasn't sure you loved me, but now Rachel, you don't know what you're saying.
Officer, it's my fault he's got into all this trouble.
l put him up to it.
lf there's anyone that should be facing charges, it's me.
l hate domestics.
Look, nobody's hurt.
- Actually, l'm a little sore.
- Hey! Now, l suggest we all put our clothes on and say no more about it.
What about the damage to my garden? l'll pay.
Will you vouchsafe for his conduct if l release him to your care? l'll look after him.
R-Rachel! You can't do that.
Officer, l want this man charged.
lt was you, wasn't it, sir, that l observed bouncing this man's head on the pavement? Right.
Move along now.
That's all, folks.
Nothing more to see here.
PETE: lt's down to you, that is.
You know, having a go at Adam in the kitchen.
And what you said to him, you could have meant for me.
l did.
Oh.
Anyway, l've been thinking.
lt is time we started a family.
Oh, Pete, l'm so glad cos l didn't know how to tell you but l already knew you'd passed your sperm test.
What? They told you first? That's a bit unprofessional.
They didn't have to tell me.
- White smoke at the Vatican! - Oh! Oooh! l love you.
(Car horn) (Jenny and Pete cheer and whoop)
Or not.
- What are you doing? The accounts? - My ovulation chart.
Your what? Tells me when l'm most fertile.
And when's that? Just about here.
Oh.
Tonight.
Don't be late home.
Karen, that's a confidential memo he's screwing up.
l don't suppose he's read it.
l'm late.
l've left some shirts to be washed.
They're white, OK? And when did the cleaners say my suit will be ready? - Er, tomorrow.
- l need it for Frankfurt.
Look, l've got to go.
Nearly forgot.
Junior sausage, be good for Mummy, all right? And Daddy will be back real soon.
Actually, l may be a bit late.
See you, guys.
Oh, Rach, it's really beautiful.
Really, really beautiful.
- Simon, l've got to go.
- No, l mean, really, really Love you.
- Cheers.
- Thanks a lot, mate.
Do you want a hand with the big words? (Both whistle ''You Are My Sunshine'') Are you still seeing whatshername? - Split up.
- What was wrong with this one? She wasn't right.
She liked Wet Wet Wet.
lt's a fault, l'll admit, but it's hardly a crime against humanity.
- Have you heard any of their albums? - (Sighs) Jenny's got one.
When's this tram coming? l best be home.
She's got a temperature.
- She's got a temperature? - Yeah, the right one, for breeding.
- Still trying for a baby? - Yeah.
Tell me about it.
- (Sighs) l'm on duty tonight.
- Best lubricate the engine.
- No, l can't.
- Go on, just the one.
No.
Absolutely not.
- Sohow long were you with Liz? - Liz? Liz was a personal best.
Three months.
But Liz was before Gemma.
And it's Sue l've just split up with.
l can't keep track of you.
l've never had much stamina.
1 00 metres man.
Crap at cross-country.
So, who's the next victim? There can't be many left.
Well, most of the best ones are taken.
Besides, women around 30 who haven't got a man, usually have a cat.
And l'm allergic to cats.
- Are you really? - Mm.
My nose runs, l can't breathe.
Takes the joy out of snogging.
Yeah.
So does being married.
Your choice.
Hello.
Right.
My round.
Don't you want cream with those? Mm? Oh, erno.
l have some news.
l've been offered a promotion.
Simon, that is wonderful! Yeah, l mean, it would mean working away from home.
Erm Hong Kong, actually.
Yeah, l know.
You can't commute, which is why it was such a hard decision.
What? You've already accepted? Don't you think we should have discussed this? l'm not sure l'm ready to move to Hong Kong.
lt wouldn't be fair to ask you.
You've got your career.
- lt's a job, as you're always telling me.
- l'm going to be really busy.
lt would be better if l went alone.
Without any extra Baggage.
Responsibilities.
l see.
What? And you thought buy her dinner and then she won't cause a scene when l dump her? lt's not like that.
You're not going to cause a scene, are you? Screw you.
(Plate clatters) (Floorboards creak) Let me guess.
Swift half after work? Do you have any idea what alcohol does to your sperm count? l suppose it was Adam.
He was upset.
He's just split up with erm How many have you had? Five.
Maybe six.
Right.
Well, l suppose it's worth a try.
Go on, get into bed.
You know, it's not fair.
Adam may still be a adolescent but you've got responsibilities.
He doesn't even know how to spell the word.
But l won't think about that now.
Last thing l want on my mind at the point of conception is your mate Adam.
(Coins clatter on floor) Come on, Tiger.
(Toilet flushes) What's that? Oh, um, that's Adam.
What? lt's a bugger to flush that loo.
Hi, Jen.
- What's he doing here? - He missed the bus.
Pete said l could sleep in your spare room.
- Mmm.
No, you can't.
- Why not? Because we're just aboutto decorate.
That's OK, l'll sleep on the sofa downstairs.
God, l'm shagged.
Hell of a day.
Just split up with Sue.
Bit depressed.
Why do you wear make-up in bed? Oh, my God, l forgot! You're ovulating.
You told him.
l'll turn the TV up.
l won't hear a thing.
ADAM: Hey.
Good luck.
l got my bonus today.
Four figures.
Four large figures.
David? Mm.
l really want us to get a nanny.
We've been through this a hundred times.
l do not want my son brought up by some 1 8-year-old bimbo who can't get a proper job.
Everybody we know's got a nanny and they're quite happy with them.
Yeah.
Maybe they don't care as much as l do.
Look, a nanny is not a mother.
lf she was she'd be at home looking after babies of her own.
David, you can't just - Motherhood does not end at birth.
- Nor fatherhood at conception.
Christ, l go whole days without an intelligent conversation.
- Even after you get home.
- l've seen the phone bill.
lt may not be intelligent but it's one hell of a conversation.
(Phone rings) That'll be for you.
- Hello.
- Karen Why are men such bastards? Practice? (Background voice from TV) - l'm sorry.
- What? l can't do this to the sound of Jeremy Paxman.
l'll get him to turn it down.
No.
Don't bother.
Moment's passed.
Let's sleep, eh? No, but l'm aroused now.
Tough.
You should have thought of that before you brought him home.
No slinking off to the bathroom.
(Baby crying) KAREN: l think he's asking for you.
Aw You may not have noticed but l can't breast-feed.
You may not have noticed but l'm not breast-feeding any more.
(David groans sleepily) (Baby continues crying) Where are you going with that? To show it to Josh.
So when he grows up he'll recognise his father.
(Crash) (Both groan) What the hell were you doing? Me? You reversed without looking.
Yeah, at about 5mph.
You didn't have to ram me.
- Excuse me.
But whose car is touching whose? - Oh, terrific.
- A woman driver with a woman's logic.
- And a man with shit for brains.
Tell me, were you starved of oxygen at birth? Who was your driving instructor? Stevie Wonder? At least l had one.
Oh, how that man must have suffered.
lt was a woman, actually.
Erm Look, there isn't really any damage, but maybe we should swap phone numbers.
You know, just in case you want to get in touch with your insurance.
Systems analyst? What's that when it's at home? A job.
Umaren't you supposed to give me your number as well? Oh.
God, sorry.
Oh, erl haven't got a pen.
Pen? A pen.
Right.
Well, um Maybe see you around.
Rachel.
Oh, l'll be on the lookout for you.
Adam.
Good.
(Hums) You Are My Sunshine No.
No.
No.
No! Rachel.
291 0349.
291 0349.
291 0349.
291 0349.
Come on, come on.
291 0349.
(Rings) 291 0349.
291 0349.
291 0349.
291 0349.
Hello? Who? No, this is 636 81 42.
OK.
Shit.
Ah, yeah.
Yeah.
Right.
Yeah.
- You can't wear those.
- They're clean.
They heat up your testicles.
Put some boxers on.
Hang on.
You said there were no decent women left.
I know.
So you met Miss Right.
You got a phone number and lost it.
- Yep.
- Oh Adam, even by your standards, that is impressive.
Still saves you the three months till you chuck her.
No, no, this one was different.
Ho-ho, ho! Deja vu.
This one's different? - I know I've said it before but this time I mean it.
- This time he means it.
- Where am l going to find her? - No address? All l know is that she's called Rachel, and her phone number begins with 9.
Or 6.
And she drives a Mini.
Smashed headlight.
And come Saturday she shops at your IocaI Tesco's.
(Mutters) (Mimics) l shall be on the next plane home to Denmark.
Bruce, what's the difference between an au pair and a nanny? - Looks, mainly.
- And erreliability.
l wouldn't trust Brigitte after ten o'clock, not with a two-year-old.
Have you thought about getting a nanny for Joshua? We don't need one.
Karen can cope.
Shit! Shit! More wine.
l'm out of touch.
What do you do when someone asks you out? ln your case, say yes.
l mean, do you tell his wife? - What? - Andrew.
He's asked me out.
Howard's meant to be your date.
- Why? - He's divorced.
Look, Karen, l know that being married you can't imagine anyone's happy on their own.
The fact is, l am.
My life is full and satisfying as it is.
So what did you do last night, Rach? - Watched television.
- Night before? - Watched television.
- Night before? OK, OK, maybe l need to go out more.
Last thing l need right now is a relationship.
A relationship? l'm just talking about some fun.
- (Male laughter) - With Howard? What about that bloke from Tesco's? - What bloke? - The one whose car you hit.
He hit mine.
Whatever.
You said he seemed nice.
He had potential, sure.
But l know nothing about him.
And he hasn't rung me.
Rachel, it's no longer the 1 9th century.
We're allowed to ask them to dance.
Still got his number? Oh, God! l don't know.
l mean, possibly Top drawer.
Left-hand side of my desk.
(Phone rings) Hello.
HeIIo.
Um Is that Andy WiIIiams? No, this is Adam Williams.
Oh erm l'm sorry.
l haven't got my contacts in.
- Who is this? - Oh, yes.
Erm l'm Rachel Bradley.
l don't know if you remember me Rachel! Of course l do! RACHEL: WeII, Iisten The thing is, l just was wondering if you wanted to go for a drink erm sometime.
Dancebeat (Whoops) Yes! Yes! Yes! Rachel! Hi.
OK.
You arrived ten minutes late.
That's good.
Then what? l made it absolutely clear what the score was.
l've split up with my boyfriend.
l don't want any other relationships.
l don't want any misunderstandings.
l thought it would be nice to have company.
Would you like a drink? Gin and tonic.
ADAM: I knew there and then I was in.
Yeah? Gagging for it.
Sodid you turn on the charm? Hey, l could teach Mel Gibson.
Thank you.
- There you go, sir.
- Thank you.
Hello.
For a moment there you were going to go down on me.
He said what? RACHEL: Maybe I misheard.
It was rather noisy.
Excuse me, l'll just DlNER: Ow! - Hey, watch it.
- Sorry.
KAREN: OK.
So, he sexuaIIy harassed you and then stabbed another diner with a fork.
RACHEL: Mm.
Toilet.
Won't you ring Howard? l had a good time.
KAREN: Yeah? How good? - There you go, sir.
- Thank you.
- l hate it when they do that.
- Bring the bill? Yeah, me too.
Give it to the man.
We'll split it.
Well, let me give you a lift home.
- What? You brought your car? - No.
But we could share a cab.
l live on the other side of town to you.
That's OK.
One of my hobbies is travelling.
Look l meant what l said.
About just wanting a friend.
Yeah.
Yeah Me, too.
PETE: She'sjust pIaying hard to get.
Pete! Lesbians don't play this hard to get.
lt's been six weeks, over 1 ,000 hours.
l haven't been this celibate since puberty.
Can you imagine what it's like to go this long without sex? No.
l had this one idea - brilliant it was.
Took her to a exhibition of erotic photography.
Warm her up a bit.
PETE: Last of the great romantics! And? All l got was the usual peck on the cheek, and a stonking great Don't even think about finishing that sentence.
- Pete, when are you off to London? - Er A week on Saturday.
l'm going to burst with sexual frustration! - You'll have to make it another day.
- What? - lt's perfect for my next cycle.
- lt's the Charity Shield.
They can't change it for your periods.
Excuse me! Who are we meant to be discussing? - So what am l going to do? - What about? The price of turnips! Aaarh! Rachel! Getting her into bed.
Suggest having a baby.
Look, it's simple.
You've got to get her back to your place.
lnvite her out to a place near where you live.
Then afterwards, down the pub, few drinks, and Bob's your uncle.
(Jenny clears throat) Excuse me.
Don't you think she might suspect? You didn't.
RACHEL: So Iet me get this straight.
lt's an existentialist drama, set in 1 9th-century Peru about the struggle between the Church and state.
- It's by my one of favourite pIaywrights.
- Oh, and who's that? Er Fernanda Cristobal de Miranda.
lnteresting guy.
lsn't that a woman's name? Er that's what makes him interesting.
And it's all in Spanish, yeah? Yeah, but it is mostly mime.
Go on.
lt will be fun.
All right.
Where is it on at? Um Oh, quite close to me, actually.
Oh, quite close to me, actually! He's a bloke.
He's got glands.
- Anyway, you've agreed to go.
- Yeah, to the theatre.
Not to bed.
Why not? You like this guy.
You have fun, so why not have some more? l only go to bed with men l'm involved with.
And l'm not getting involved.
- (Slurps) - What do you think? l think you should sleep with him.
Ciento.
Veintiocho pesetas el dollar.
Firme sus cheques, por favor.
Nji! Nji! Nji ADAM: I am so sorry.
That's all right.
lt was only four hours of my life.
l swear l didn't know there was going to be audience participation.
- We even missed last orders.
- Mm.
Well here's my flat.
And here's my car.
l don't suppose Coffee? Well Good night.
l wouldn't say no to a Scotch, though.
lsn't she just a gorgeous girl? - What are you doing? - Wakies.
What are you doing? l'm just a fool, you never can win - Ow! RACHEL: Ooh.
Did you just bang your head? Kiss me with the camera.
Hello! Darling.
Coming in? Miss you, miss you, miss you, miss you.
Still missing you.
lt's a bit like the election of a new Pope, isn't it? Waiting to see what colour smoke comes out the chimney? (Doorbell chimes) - Are you expecting anybody? Don't know yet.
Hello, stranger.
We nearly reported you missing.
You're here every other day, then you get laid, and then for a month, nothing.
- l've been busy.
- l can imagine.
- Where's your delicious wife? - At the Vatican.
- Black smoke.
- Oh, love.
- For you.
- Thanks.
Why? Mostly because l feel like spreading a little joy.
Partly because they were half-price.
- l take it things are going well, then.
- Couldn't be better.
l knew you'd want to know.
- l'll put a pot of coffee on.
- Better make it a large one.
And then the following night we went to the cinema.
Are we up to date yet? l think l prefer it when he's miserable.
l hated it.
Still it's good to like different things, isn't it? BOTH: Yeah.
That's what's so great about Rachel, l'm doing stuff l've never tried before.
Oh, God, he's going to tell us about his sex life.
- Last weekend, we went for a waIk.
- Uh-uh.
Wait.
Wait.
Stop.
Stopstop right there.
You went for a walk with your girlfriend.
You despise couples who do things like that.
Next thing you know he'll be giving her a pet name.
Pingu? Oh, please! l'd do anything for you.
Yeah, sure.
Like l haven't heard that one before.
Go on.
- What? - Try me.
All right.
All right.
Would you serenade me? Yes.
ln the nude? Yeah.
With a rose stuck up your bum? We should get going really, shouldn't we? - Rach? - Yeah.
PETE: You didn't.
JENNY: He did.
l love you.
Good.
PETE & JENNY: Way-hey! Whoo! - Are you nervous? - About meeting your friends? Oh, yes.
Don't be.
They're really nice.
Well, Karen is.
David's a bit pompous.
You know, a wine buff.
Shit.
ls he? Just give it to Karen.
There is one other thing about David.
He's a friend of Simon's.
Terrific.
Don't worry, he won't mention him.
So, you must be the chap trying to fill Simon's shoes.
- David.
- Rachel.
Shall l take that? Ah! Bulgarian.
Yes, they make some very underrated wines, the Bulgarians.
Though this isn't one of them.
You all know Rachel, don't you? And this is her current beau, Alan.
ErAdam.
- Done any karate yourself? - No.
Not like Simon then, eh? He's a black belt.
Alan, we were just discussing the ERM.
What's your view? Well, l thought their last album was shite.
Are you sure you don't want to give Howard a ring? Anyone see the cricket? So it's quite normal to forget things and feel inadequate? Oh, God, yes.
All new mothers go through that.
Have you thought about getting some help? You mean like The Samaritans? l was thinking more of hired help.
David thinks nannies are for failed mothers.
Your champagne was getting warm.
You mean you wanted to escape? Well, yes Hey! Look at you.
- What is it? - lt's a baby.
- A boy, eight months old.
Do you like babies? - l prefer cats.
- l thought you were allergic to cats.
- l am.
Are you getting broody? No.
So this is where you got to.
Come on, l'll show you my wine collection.
Give you a few tips.
(Baby cries) So, just remember, Alan, if a wine had ''made from several European countries'' on the label, it generally isn't any good.
PETE: You didn't! No.
Of course not.
But, God, l wanted to.
Cocky bastard.
RacheI wants us to go on hoIiday with them - skiing.
l hate skiing.
- l didn't know you'd been.
- l haven't, but l hate the idea.
- When are you meeting the parents? - Next Sunday.
- How did you know l was? - lt's the next stage.
- What? - Adam, you have to read women's magazines.
Meeting the parents.
Next stage, the wedding rehearsal.
She's 30.
She's playing for keeps.
How long have you been seeing her? Three months.
Point of no return, mate.
You've gotta put your foot down.
Reclaim your independence.
Otherwise (Sighs) .
.
you'll end up in a place like this.
Some stranger fiddling about with your privates.
One of the tests is to see if my sperm fertilises a gerbil's egg.
No! lmagine that.
Half man, half gerbil.
l'm not looking forward to this.
Sex to order is one thing.
But a J Arthur.
Shall l come with you? ln case you need a hand? You've got enough worries of your own, mate.
Your days of being young, free and single are well and truly over.
David rang earlier.
He was wondering if you play golf.
- l said we'll meet on Saturday.
- Erm l'm not sure if l'm free.
You are.
Checked it in your diary.
You've been reading my diary? - You left it lying around so l - Not for you to read.
Adam, it's a pocket diary.
lt hardly contains your deepest thoughts.
Unless you count ''6:30 pint with Pete''.
Like yours is right out of Dickens.
''Thursday, period starts.
'' Excuse me, am l missing something here? l can't find my shirts.
- They're in the wardrobe.
- What? What are they doing there? Nothing much.
Hanging, mostly.
You've ironed them! l like to leave them in my bag and iron each one as l need it.
Adam, you're crap at ironing.
You add creases.
What other helpful things have you done? Like you notice! Cleaning the bath after you've used it.
Picking your pubic hair off the soap, putting milk back in the fridge.
Nagging.
You left that off the list.
Look, l live life my way.
Yeah.
Like a pig.
Give me that.
l didn't ask you to move in.
l haven't moved in! Besides, l'm moving out.
How can you move out if you haven't moved in? Watch me.
(Doorbell rings) What now? ls this not a good time? Well, things just didn't work out.
l mean l'm supposed to be in property but the only flat l could find was above a brothel run by the Triads.
Most of all, l missed you, Rach.
l talked to David.
He said you'd been seeing someone.
l have been, yes.
A computer salesman? A systems analyst.
Whatever that is.
And are you happy? Hey, hey Hey, what's the matter? Oh, sweetness.
Rachel.
Rach.
Nessun Dorma (Sings nonsense) Vincero! Vincero! Vincero! My name's Adam Williams.
You've been great.
Good night.
God! l can't believe l'm telling you my problems with men.
We used to tell each other everything.
Look, Rach, l hate to see you upset.
But l can't pretend that l'm not happy that you've fallen out with Alan.
Actually, it's Adam.
PETE: (Posh voice) Come on, you absolute shower.
Champagne? Here we go! Aw! (WhistIing and Iaughter) Wake up, step up to reaIity AII this wiII be finished by the time I do Just the thought of you makes me stop just before I begin (Phone rings) Hello.
ADAM: It's me.
Don't put the phone down.
Look l'm really sorry about earlier.
l was being stupid.
- Yes, you were.
- Rach l'm really missing you.
But l could come over if you like.
Not tonight, Adam.
No.
Well, well, no.
OK, l just wanted to let you know.
- Good night.
- Good night, Adam.
ls everything all right? KAREN: You sIept with him! RACHEL: I was feeIing confused.
And since? l'm still feeling confused.
You're sleeping with them both? l'm really torn, Karen.
(Sighs) l love being with Adam.
He's great fun.
He's like a big kid.
But that's also his problem.
Whereas Simon is more mature.
More reliable.
Reliable? Rachel, he left you.
He came back.
OK, let me get this straight.
Simon knows about Adam but Adam doesn't know about Simon, right? Yes.
You'll have to tell Adam.
He's a grown-up.
He can take it.
Now l get it! ln that film when you laughed before the jokes you'd already been with him! How could you? - lt wasn't worth seeing once! - Actually, it got better.
So, have you folks made your mind up? Zabaglione.
Oh, l can't decide.
The ertiramisu as usual? And here! My God, l'm dating Mata Hari.
Adam, the thing is, l don't know what l want.
You're going to have to choose.
Him or me.
So, which will it be? PETE: Tiramisu.
Zabaglione.
But she dumped me all the same.
Now you know how it feels to be on the receiving end, eh? Thanks, Jenny.
That's really supportive.
lt's all you deserve.
You were going to do a runner.
Rachel beat you to the door.
l thought she was getting too clingy.
Oops.
Even Pete said she was showing all the signs.
Did you? - Er not in so many words, no.
- ln precisely those words.
Ah, this morning's post.
''Slippery slope.
Put your foot down, show her who's boss.
'' To think l listened to dickless here.
That's not fair, Adam.
No, it's not, and l passed my sperm test.
The first time l really care for someone, fate buggers it up.
Oh, right.
First it's Pete's fault then it's fate's.
There should be some certificate.
- Yeah.
Adam Williams.
Never to blame.
- Or a sticker - My Sperm Count! No, no.
lt is my fault, Jenny.
l should never have allowed myself to fall in love with her.
But you didfall in love.
Fight for her.
Come on.
lf you really care.
- Go on! - Ow! What is it with men? A genetic disorder.
You say you want things like love and children.
But once they're on offer you look for a way out.
You were relieved that Rachel chose Simon.
lt got you off the hook.
You know, if you don't want to get hooked, don't go fishing.
Her machine's on.
So you're gonna give up, just like that, are you? Look, Jenny, it's over! What's the point? She's not waiting for me, she's with the Karate Kid and his bijou residence on the Broadhurst Road.
Nice area.
Sorry.
Go on, Jenny.
Hit me again.
Go on! l don't care.
We need some more wine.
DONlZETTl: L'Elisir d'Amore Una furtiva lagrima Negl' occhi suoi spunto (Shrill alarm) (Baby cries) (Phone rings) Hello.
Karen, what's that noise? The bIoody smoke aIarm.
I burnt some toast.
- Well, switch it off.
- David, I'm trying to.
Talk to your son, David.
There you are, darling, tell Daddy.
(Alarm continues) Sugar? (Baby screams) Josh.
Put Mummy back on.
(Crossly) Yes.
Look, can't stop.
Just to say l'll be home a bit late.
You're always home a bit late.
Yeah, well, this is going to be a bit later.
(Doorbell rings) - Yes? - Evening, ma'am.
- We're from the Evangelical Church (Baby starts crying) .
.
bringing you our message of hope and salvation.
(Baby screams) And patience? Excuse me.
JENNY: Even Adam couIdn't take this Iong to buy a bottIe of wine.
Maybe he's having trouble choosing.
Do you think he went to Rachel's? No, she's not in.
lsn't Simon a black belt? Get your car keys.
And so to recap.
Be clear about your bottom line.
Settle for nothing less.
Use counter arguments.
lf all else fails, issue an ultimatum.
David? We're getting a nanny.
- Karen, l'm giving a seminar.
- l don't care.
l want a nanny! - We'll discuss it later.
- We'll discuss it now.
l am not prepared to leave my child with some woman who, for all we know, - could have a history of mental illness.
- We let your sister baby-sit.
We'll use a reputable agency and check references.
You're happy, are you, if Josh grows up thinking of someone else as his Mummy? He'll know who his mummy is, though you're so rarely there he could be forgiven for thinking it's a one-parent family.
And where am l? At work, providing for my family and now you want me to provide for a nanny? l can work part time.
No, l am fundamentally opposed to the idea.
l will not share my house with a nanny.
David Unless we get a nanny, you won't have to share your house at all because l'll leave.
And l'll take Josh with me.
(Josh cries) - Yes, darling.
All right.
We'll get a nanny.
Thank you.
The purpose of that role-playing exercise was to illustrate the four key points of successful negotiation.
l know you thought it was real.
l'm sorry to disappoint you, - but that lady was a quite brilliant actress.
- (Laughter) Darling? l've locked myself out.
Can l borrow your keys? Wet Wet Wet.
l hate Wet Wet Wet.
Typical.
- l'm sorry.
l've got the wrong house.
- What's wrong with my house? Nothing.
lt's a lovely house, but not the one l'm looking for.
You want to buy a house? No, l'm looking for someone called Simon.
The estate agent? Snobby bastard.
Lives over there.
White door.
- All right.
Where is she? - ln the shower.
- Where do you think you're going? - Get off me! Who the hell's that? - Where's Rachel? - Who's Rachel? - You said she was in the shower.
- She was.
Oh, you see l didn't mean that l didn't realise that you and him You don't know where Simon is, do you? Next door.
Sorry.
Christ, you're big.
- Simon, right? - Yeah.
- All right, where is she? - Adam? Hey, hey.
Excuse me, you can't just barge in here - What are you doing here? - l had to see you.
- ls this the computer salesman? - Systems analyst.
- Whatever that is.
- l'll explain it sometime.
You can't pick him.
l love you too much.
- We don't have to listen to this.
- We're right for each other.
l got cold feet.
But l'm ready to hang my shirts in your wardrobe if you'll let me! Oh! l'm OK.
lt's all right.
l'm OK.
(Groans) Aaah Hey, hey, come on.
- Don't cry.
- No.
- lt's over.
He's history, babe.
- l'm fine.
Yeah.
Come on.
Hey, come on, sweetness.
l've got you under my skin l've got you deep in the heart of me Jesus, what now? So deep in my heart that you're really a part of me l've got you under my skin l'd sacrifice anything come what might For the sake of having you near ln spite of the warning voice that comes in the night and the - l'm going to put a stop to this! - Oh, Simon, no! Don't you know, little fool You never can win Use your mentality Wake up to reality But each time l do just the thought of you Makes me stop Oops.
- What the hell's he doing? - For crying out loud.
- Stop the car.
Stop the car.
- Oh, my God.
(Thud) (Angry shouting and struggling) (Siren) Hey, come on! Pack it in! Come on, then.
Hey! Quiet! Now, then.
What's the reason for all this? ALL: Him.
Get out of my bushes.
Hello.
We'll start with gross indecency.
- Oh, come on, it's not gross.
- From here it's very gross.
He's ruined my roses.
- Trespass.
- And criminal damage.
All right, Miss Marple, l'll do the charging.
- He ran into my house and attacked me.
- Assault.
He had a go at me and my boyfriend.
And battery.
You've had a busy day, lad.
Right, in the car and don't get any mud on the seats.
Stop! Stop! Wait, please.
- Do you wish to make a statement? - Yes.
Adam, l love you.
Rachel.
l didn't dare admit it.
l wasn't sure you loved me, but now Rachel, you don't know what you're saying.
Officer, it's my fault he's got into all this trouble.
l put him up to it.
lf there's anyone that should be facing charges, it's me.
l hate domestics.
Look, nobody's hurt.
- Actually, l'm a little sore.
- Hey! Now, l suggest we all put our clothes on and say no more about it.
What about the damage to my garden? l'll pay.
Will you vouchsafe for his conduct if l release him to your care? l'll look after him.
R-Rachel! You can't do that.
Officer, l want this man charged.
lt was you, wasn't it, sir, that l observed bouncing this man's head on the pavement? Right.
Move along now.
That's all, folks.
Nothing more to see here.
PETE: lt's down to you, that is.
You know, having a go at Adam in the kitchen.
And what you said to him, you could have meant for me.
l did.
Oh.
Anyway, l've been thinking.
lt is time we started a family.
Oh, Pete, l'm so glad cos l didn't know how to tell you but l already knew you'd passed your sperm test.
What? They told you first? That's a bit unprofessional.
They didn't have to tell me.
- White smoke at the Vatican! - Oh! Oooh! l love you.
(Car horn) (Jenny and Pete cheer and whoop)