Dirk Gently (2012) s01e00 Episode Script
Dirk Gently (Pilot)
As I explained when we spoke on the phone, my methods of detection are based on an almost unswerving belief in the fundamental interconnectedness of all things.
As anyone who follows the principles of quantum mechanics to their logical extremes cannot help but accept.
Ah, it's lovely tea.
Thank you.
My methods invariably necessitate a variety of expenses that, to the untrained eye, may appear somewhat tangential.
I assure you these expenses are essential and non-negotiable and payable in advance, naturally.
I see you're charging me for the purchase of a new refrigerator.
I no longer have access to my old refrigerator.
Whatever it takes, Mr Gently.
I just want you to find Henry and bring him home again.
I can't tell you how worried I am.
He's all I have! This is what I do, Mrs Jordan.
It is, as the French say, my raison d'etre.
It would be useful to have a recent photograph for identification purposes.
Oh.
Ah.
This was taken last Christmas.
A hat rather suits him.
Mrs Jordan, Dirk Gently.
I was wondering if you'd be so good as to provide me with your neighbour's telephone number.
'Hi.
This is Susan.
Leave a message after the beep.
' 'Pick up the phone.
'Pick Up The Phone!' 'Rule one of housebreaking, 'never answer the phone when you're in the middle of a job.
' Who is this? Rule two.
Preparation is everything.
Wear gloves, Macduff! 'Your fingerprints will be all over the house!' How do you know my name? Who is this? 'Come over to the window.
' Rule three, never show your face at the window.
Dirk? What are you doing here? Well, unlike yourself, I'm engaged in legitimate business! Right, no, that's I'm not a burglar.
I'm, I live here.
With, with Susan Harmison.
No, she's my girlfriend.
Susan! You remember.
This is her house.
You make a habit of stealing from your girlfriends? No, I'm not stealing.
That Cos I wasn't in This is not a I sent her an email.
So perfect! Everything.
You're such a cold, heartless, smug bitch! If she thinks her laptop has been stolen then maybe I can hack into her account and delete the email before she reads it.
Oh, you'll have to let me know if I can be of any assistance.
My fees are almost ridiculously modest.
You're a detective.
Your neighbour Mrs Jordan has retained my services to help locate her cat.
Right.
OK.
Yeah, no, I heard he was missing.
You don't by any chance know where he is, do you? Looked around the warehouse? I haven't seen you since we left university.
That is Incredible.
I suspect our meeting like this will prove to be more significant than either of us can possibly imagine.
Are you breaking in? Should you be going in there? Dirk? Dirk? What is this place? 'Incorrect access code.
'Security violation.
'Operating station will explode in 20 seconds.
' Explo '20.
' Did she '19.
18.
17.
' She just said this place will explode? '16.
15.
14.
' OK, that's Can we, can we get out, please? '13.
' She's bluffing.
'12.
11.
' Run! 'Nine.
Eight.
Seven.
'Six.
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
' It's very good to see you again, Richard Macduff.
Ah.
It was probably drug addicts, kids, you know? Smacked out and cracked up on crack and smack.
'The warehouse was owned by entrepreneur Gordon Way.
'The billionaire inventor was reported missing on Friday evening 'and is now feared to have died in the blast.
'Inspector Gilks, can you confirm whether a body has been found?' Not at this time.
The fire service is still searching the building.
What I can say is that we are launching a missing person's inquiry.
'So, there will be an announcement made' What are you doing today? Ah, don't, don't start all that again.
I'm not starting anything! I was just asking! Well, don't just ask! I don't care that you haven't got a job.
I don't care that you sit at home all day watching TV.
I don't even care that you've stopped taking regular showers.
You can do whatever you want, so long as it makes you happy.
But it obviously doesn't.
I'll see you tonight.
'Hi, this is Gordon.
Please leave a message.
' Gordon, it's Susan.
You were on the news.
They said you were missing! What were you doing at the warehouse at the end of my street? Justlet me know you're OK.
Call me.
Did you hear the explosion? No.
I was out last night.
Any sign of Henry? No.
I've hired a detective to find him.
Hi.
Looking for Dirk.
Is he in? He might be.
Then again he might not be.
Until he pays my wages, his whereabouts is no longer my concern.
Is that Macduff? Send him in.
Give him this.
Did my assistant offer you tea? Um, I think you no longer have an assistant.
Make yourself comfortable, Macduff! I always wondered what happened to you! University said you'd been expelled for cheating! Yes, I understand that was the official explanation.
I wouldn't choose to believe it myself.
So what exactly is a holistic detective? The term refers to my methods, in that they are holistic, and, in the proper sense of the word, chaotic.
I operate by investigating the fundamental interconnectedness between all things.
Right.
Does that work? Unquestionably.
The thing that most people fail to appreciate is that the connections between cause and effect is invariably much more subtle and complex than most people would naturally suppose.
Take the circumstances of our meeting last night.
The missing cat, the exploding warehouse.
No doubt you're still clinging to the misguided belief that it was all just a coincidence.
Well, it was, wasn't it? And yet here you sit with Ms Harmison's laptop computer tucked under your arm, which no doubt means you require my assistance in hacking into her email account.
Come with me, Macduff! I only came back to make sure you notice me when I finally leave for good.
Perhaps you'd be so kind as to place a stationery order.
I believe we're out of Post-It notes.
Ah, my refrigerator! Excellent! Straight up to the top floor if you will! Nice fridge.
My cleaner has padlocked the fridge in my flat.
We're engaged in a stand-off from which neither of us is prepared to back down.
It is the cold war writ small.
Oh, my God! Yeah, is This is the same car you drove at university! The Princess has proved herself a loyal and faithful servant.
Can't believe you're still driving this thing.
I think you'll find all good detectives drive classic cars.
I'm not sure an Austin Leyland Princess quite counts as a classic, but So, how on earth did you end up becoming a private detective? Have you heard of Schrodinger's cat? Should I have? It's an experiment devised by the eminent Doctor Schrodinger to investigate probability.
I'm guessing it involves a cat.
Yeah.
You take said cat and you place it in a sealed box, along with a small lump of radioactive material and a phial of mildly poisonous gas.
Within a given period of time there's an exactly 50:50 chance that an atom in the radioactive lump will decay and emit an electron, triggering the release of the gas, rendering the cat unconscious.
Is that even ethical? Some would say not.
Anyhow, on one occasion, Doctor Schrodinger and his colleagues opened the box and discovered that the cat was neither conscious, nor unconscious, but was, in fact Completely Missing.
I was called in to investigate.
I was quickly able to deduce that the cat had merely got fed up with repeatedly being locked in a box and occasionally gassed and had taken the first opportunity to hoof it out the window.
Bernice! Hey.
That was the cat's name.
Bernice came running and was restored to the box that very afternoon.
One thing led to another and it all culminated in the thriving career you see before you.
Gentleman needs to access his girlfriend's email account.
Give me ten minutes.
Oh! No! Hey! Where are you going? Relax, Macduff, he's a professional! He's a ten-year-old! 200 of your cheapest cigarettes, please.
That'll be lb50.
00, my friend! I seem to have left my wallet at the office.
We'll offset the cost against your account.
How much is this actually going to cost me? I'm surprised at you, Macduff! What price would you place on saving your relationship from ending in a black sea of acrimony and despair? We'll be needing a newspaper as well, Macduff.
It transpires the exploding warehouse we encountered shortly after our meeting is in fact, the property of the missing billionaire Gordon Way! His car was found parked outside.
Told you we shouldn't have gone in there.
Yet because we did, we now know that Gordon Way was not, in fact, inside the warehouse when it exploded.
Do you think we should talk to the police? As any Irishman will tell you when things start exploding, it's best to avoid the police at all costs.
I took the liberty of updating your virus protection.
It's connected to the school's Wi-Fi.
You'll find your girlfriend's email account is already open.
Excellent work.
Hey, what you Are you paying him in cigarettes? Surely we're all allowed some pleasures, Macduff.
Delete at will.
She hasn't read it.
Thank you.
I shall return to my office so I can prepare your invoice.
There's an email from Gordon Way.
Why is Gordon Way emailing Susan? Presumably for the same reason the missing billionaire owns a warehouse next door but one to her house! Would you also propose to dismiss this as mere coincidence? She's never said she knows him.
Don't you get it? The circumstances of our meeting, the exploding warehouse, Gordon Way's disappearance, these are all part of a web of events connected by a common thread! Discovering this thread will unavoidably lead us to determine the whereabouts of Henry the cat! I'm sorry, but is a missing cat really the most important issue right now? It is the issue I have been retained to investigate.
So, from a professional and, more importantly, financial point of view, I'd have to say yes! Yes, the cat is the issue! I'm not sure I want to get involved in all this.
You are already involved, Macduff, and to a greater degree than you can possibly comprehend.
Are you not at all curious as to why Gordon Way has been emailing your girlfriend? Of course I'm curious! Then we must immerse ourselves in Gordon's life and rifle through its contents.
Now, it seems a Doctor Gerstenberger was the last person to see Gordon Way! We must track him down.
Right.
And how are we going to do that? I suppose we're going to follow the web of interconnected events.
Don't be ridiculous.
I'm going to phone Directory Enquiries.
Do you not find it at all curious that both Gordon Way and Henry the cat disappeared on the same day? What, you think Gordon Way is somehow involved with Henry? I know nothing of Gordon Way's sexual proclivities, feline or otherwise.
Let us hope Doctor Gerstenberger can shed some light on the matter.
What are you doing? You need to lie on the grass.
What? Right here.
Place yourself on the grass, like this.
I'm not lying on the grass! Why not? Because I don't I'm not! Gordon Way was seeing a therapist, whose files, if we can gain access to them, I'm certain will contain pertinent or, at the very least, gossip-worthy material.
OK.
What has that got to do with me lying on the grass? Do you wish to know the nature of Gordon Way's intentions towards your girlfriend or not? Then I would kindly ask you to prostrate yourself on the grass.
This is ridiculous.
Right, now don't move.
Not a single muscle, understood? What am I doing? No-one knows who I am! Do you know who I am? Do you know me? No! Do you? I'm right here! Gerstenberger! Where are you, Gerstenberger? You can't go in there! They don't know who I am! They don't have any idea! You, you of all people, tell me you know who I am! Are you a patient? He doesn't know who I am! I'm sorry.
He just burst in.
This is my face! It's OK, I can handle this.
It's fine, just close the door.
Why don't you start by telling me your name? The time for names has come and gone and come and gone again.
Names no longer matter.
What are you doing? Don't! Goodbye, cruel world! No! Call an ambulance! Jesus, no.
Hello.
Who the hell are you? No-one.
OK.
Have a nice day.
Oh, what is up with these gears? It's like playing Russian roulette.
Anything interesting? There's no reference to any inappropriate feelings toward cats, or indeed any other animals.
It would appear any feelings of a sexual nature Gordon Way may have had were exclusively directed towards your girlfriend.
He mentioned Susan? What does it say? A brief, but illuminating extract.
"The patient is obsessively fixated on a Miss Susan Harmison, "with whom he had a relationship at university.
"The relationship ended in 1994, but the patient remains consumed "by overwhelming feelings of loss and regret.
" Wait, she went out with Gordon Way? She's never even mentioned him! Oh, they met at a hotel last week.
Might I suggest we adjourn to the pub? He is completely obsessed with her.
Think she's sleeping with him? We must consider the facts.
They have been meeting illicitly.
Miss Harmison has lied to you about said liaisons.
Gordon Way is a billionaire! Even as a confirmed heterosexual I'd have to say he's an extremely attractive man.
You, on the other hand, you look like him.
Thanks.
Makes me feel so much better.
Perhaps it would be productive if I were to speak to Ms Harmison.
No, Dirk! No.
I thought she might be of assistance in helping discover the whereabouts of Henry the cat.
I'm sorry.
I can't believe this is happening, Dirk! As much as I'd like to stay and help you drown your sorrows, I have some errands to run.
Your friend said you'd pay for the drinks.
'The next patient is on their way to you, Doctor Harmison.
' And what can I do for you? Susan! Susan Harmison! It's Dirk Gently! We were at university together! Oh, my God! What an amazing coincidence! I thought you were dead! I understand that rumour was popular in certain circles.
So what can I do for you? Oh, well, I seem to have developed a slight twinge in my shoulder.
I see! If you could just lower your trousers and pants.
You, you understand the twinge is in my shoulder? That's the thing with the human body.
Everything's connected.
Right.
Place your hands on the bed.
OK.
I thought you might be here to talk to me about Ruth's cat.
Yeah, she told me that she'd hired you.
I couldn't believe it was actually you! Well, I take it that that's why you're here? Oh, yeah, I'll just Dirk, I have a waiting room full of patients.
I don't have time for your bullshit.
I was hoping I might talk to you about Gordon Way.
Did you ever see Henry and Gordon together? Henry's a cat.
What on earth would they be doing together? That's what I'm hoping to find out.
May I ask what happened when you saw Gordon last week? He asked me to marry him.
Marry me.
He's been asking me every couple of years since we left university.
And your response to his heartfelt proposal? I said what I've always said.
We had our chance.
You blew it.
How did he take it? Not well.
He never did.
The night I said I'd meet you, I should have been there.
What night was he referring to? It was the night we split up.
Even back then Gordon was obsessed with computers and technology.
He didn't have time in his life for me.
If you're not at my house at eight o'clock it's over.
We're finished! I'll be there! I promise! Am I to understand that he didn't show up? He made up some ridiculous story about how he was on his way to see me when he was hit by a car.
Yeah, there was always some excuse.
I have on occasion used that one myself.
Well, I was too angry to forgive him.
You know what you're like at that age.
It WAS my birthday.
So, you'll remember the exact date? It was third year of university, so it will have been the 5th of December, 1994.
And where was Gordon supposed to meet you? I was living with my parents.
I live there now.
I moved back after my dad died.
Next door but one to the warehouse! Did you know Gordon owned the warehouse? No! No, he never told me! What was he using it for? Perhaps one can see into your bathroom from its roof.
Here you are, Mr Gently.
Tea.
Excellent.
Lovely photograph of you and Henry, Mrs Jordan.
Oh, that's not Henry, that's George! I said I wouldn't get another cat when George died.
One day I was passing a pet shop and I saw the sweetest little kitten in the window.
He reminded me so of George I couldn't resist.
And that was Henry? Yes.
Anything wrong, Mrs Jordan? Oh, yes.
It's just my medication.
I sincerely hope it's nothing that will impede you in any way before this case is brought to a satisfactory conclusion, the i's dotted, the t's crossed and the .
.
invoice paid? I believe I still have some life left in me, Mr Gently.
Well, I'm most deliriously happy to hear that, Mrs Jordan.
So, may I ask how it was that George came into your life? One day he just came running into the house.
Ah.
Where did you come from? I put up posters and asked all the neighbours.
I never found his owners.
He seemed happy here, so I kept him.
He was with me until 2006, and he's buried under the rose bush in the back garden.
So, when was this that George appeared? Well, I can probably tell you the date.
May I enquire as to the identity of the gentleman with the bouffant moustache? Oh, that was my husband, Harry.
I take it he is sadly no longer with us.
I have no idea! He walked out on me soon after that photograph was taken.
I find men with moustaches to be particularly dishonourable beings.
Hitler, Tom Selleck, being cases in point.
This was taken the day he came into the house, 5th December 1994.
The same date Susan and Gordon split up.
Interesting.
Did you ever happen to see this gentleman coming and going from the warehouse next door? No, I've never seen him before.
You said he knows Susan? Susan and Gordon Way were involved with each other at university.
You think he has something to do with Henry going missing? I'd say yes, in that every particle in the universe affects, however faintly and obliquely, every other particle.
I find this to be particularly true when those particles are arranged in the form of a cat.
May I? Oh.
Yes, of course.
So how's Gordon Way? Have you seen him lately? Yes.
And how was the hotel? Was that nice? Comfy beds? Monsoon shower? We had coffee.
Right, you had coffee.
Meaning you had "coffee"? I mean, we had coffee.
OK.
Just coffee.
Like milk and two sugars coffee? Little amaretti biscuit? Have you been talking to Dirk? Have you been talking to Dirk? Are you sleeping with Gordon Way? Is that what do you think of me? Just answer the bloody question! I have tried to make you happy.
I've tried! I have really tried, but I don't know what you want from me! I need a reason for us to be together.
No, don't You don't get to blame me for this, OK? You don't end this, I do! You should know I sent you an email.
Cold, heartless, smug bitch! I got in first! I ended this! Me! Can you just go, please? Please, just go! Detective Inspector Gilks! What a pleasant and unexpected surprise.
Why are you even in the vicinity of one of my crime scenes, Gently? And think very carefully before you answer, because if you so much as mention the interconnectedness of all things, I'll have you arrested under the anti-terror laws.
Actually, I'm looking for a cat! So me and Susan, it's all over.
Sorry to hear that.
You'll find ice in the freezer compartment.
She said nothing at all happened between her and Gordon Way.
I'm supposed to believe that.
You should believe it, Macduff.
The hotel manager has confirmed Ms Harmison's account of events.
She met Gordon Way in the restaurant, he had a cappuccino, Miss Harmison a latte, they had a brief conversation, and went their separate ways.
But I, I I accused her of cheating! Ah, to the contrary, Macduff, I am led to believe Ms Harmison has repeatedly rejected Gordon Way's advances.
She's a keeper, Macduff! I am such a screw-up.
Come on, Macduff, buck up.
Things can't be that bad.
I'm single, I'm homeless, I'm unemployed You're unemployed? Really? I had assumed you were a veterinarian! I was a business analyst for a power company.
I was made redundant six months ago.
A perfect example of interconnectedness.
An obese American fails to pay his mortgage, the ripples cross the ocean, you are cast onto the slagheap of the long-term unemployed.
Is all that meant to make me feel better? How are you managing? Hmm? I mean, financially.
There was a very generous redundancy package.
Was there? Yeah.
Mmm.
Well, Macduff, we must ensure you do not fritter it away on some indulgent whim.
I see you've been busy.
Yeah, it's a chronological timeline of all salient events and occurrences.
We must look for the solution in the connection between them.
Do you remember what you were doing on the 5th of December, 1994? Not a clue.
I don't know, do I? 1994?! I suppose I would have been at university.
Richard Macduff.
Yes? When a series of highly peculiar events occur surrounding a particular person, we must consider the possibility that this person is, in fact, the connection! I believe you, Macduff, hold the key to finding Henry the cat! Me? I would suggest you allow me to hypnotise you.
You think I'm going to let you hypnotise me? I'm not some gullible old woman.
You won't con me into buying you a new fridge.
I have one, I've no need of another.
What do you possibly hope to uncover? You hold vital information behind the locked door of your unconsciousness.
We need to smash the door open and retrieve it! I don't trust hypnosis! You could make me do anything! Oh, get a grip, Macduff! This isn't freshers' week at the Students' Union! I'm not going to make you dance around like Elvis and have sex with a watermelon! Are you not at all curious as to the sequence of events that led you to your present nadir? How does it all work? Relax your body.
Keep looking at the spoon.
You are feeling sleepy.
I'm not going to It's the 5th of December, 1994.
What's your most vivid memory from that day? I'm shouting at someone.
It was you, Dirk.
It was you! You told me you were clairvoyant.
Said you could predict all the questions in the exam.
Every one was wrong.
Dirk? I want my money back, Dirk! I want my money back, Dirk.
Stop the car, Dirk! Stop the car! 'It was Gordon Way!' You reversed into him! Did I? Oh! Don't just stand there, Macduff, help the man! Oh! Open your mind, Macduff.
When you come round, you will disregard your doubts, seeing it as a sensible and lucrative business opportunity.
It was Gordon Way.
You reversed into him.
I believe you can still see the dent in the Princess.
That Gordon was carrying flowers would suggest that he was, in fact, on his way to meeting Susan.
It appears we have two key dates - the 5th of December, 1994 and the 29th of October, 2010.
That's it! Of course! Of course that's what you'd do! What? You know where he is? Why did nothing change? Somethingsomething went wrong.
A cat appears.
A husband disappears.
Do you mind telling me what's going on? You know, we make a good team, Macduff.
Do we? The way we bounce ideas off one another.
We're like a single amorphous organism but with two brains.
Yeah.
Except one brain doesn't want to tell the other brain what's going on! I've been looking for someone like you.
Someone with a raw, natural talent.
You should think about coming into business with me.
That's not a bad idea.
Gently in, Macduff.
Think about it.
But first, I need you to phone Susan.
Find out if she knows anything about Mrs Jordan's husband.
No, no, no, I can't! I can't! I accused her of cheating! If you are to become my business partner, Macduff, you've got to start showing some backbone! Hello? 'Susan, it's me.
'Listen, don't hang up, it's important.
I'm with Dirk.
' I need to ask you about Ruth.
Do you remember her husband? Big bouffant moustache.
Right.
OK, do you know what happened to him? He walked out on Ruth years ago.
Look, I'm on my way round to see her.
I'll get her to call Dirk.
Is that it? Yeah.
That may have been a good opportunity to say something to the girl.
She doesn't know anything.
She's on her way round to Ruth's.
She's going to get her to call you.
She's going to see Mrs Jordan? Yeah.
What? I fear Susan may be in grave danger.
What, from little old Ruth? Well, perhaps "grave" is pushing it.
I fear Susan may be in an indeterminate amount of danger.
That's still dangerous.
Indeterminately so.
Come on, you beautiful bitch! He's so unhappy.
But he won't talk about it.
I think he blames me for losing his job! Men can be pricks.
I really miss him.
Oh, Richard called me just before I came round.
Dirk was asking about your husband.
Why was he asking about Harry? God knows.
I know it's none of my business, but Dirk's a conman.
He always has been.
Mr Gently tells me you were involved with Gordon Way at university.
I read about him in the newspaper.
Mmm.
He's missing.
Is everything all right, Ruth? I'll go.
Are you OK? Why? Shouldn't I be? Well, I Not, not, not really sure.
Mrs Jordan, I believe I've established the whereabouts of Henry the cat! Any time you're ready, Dirk! Five sugars, Mrs Jordan, thank you.
Let me take you back to 1994.
A momentous year.
Nelson Mandela was elected President of South Africa.
The Channel Tunnel opened.
East 17 were riding high in the charts.
East 17? A series of events was to unfold that would dramatically alter the lives of every single person in this room.
The 5th of December of that year.
Gordon Way is hurrying to meet his then girlfriend, Miss Harmison, when he is, unfortunately, prevented from reaching his destination.
Because Dirk reversed his car into him! Stop the car! It was true! Your subsequent rejection was a cruel and devastating blow, from which Gordon never fully recovered.
So, he set about building a time machine.
In the warehouse next door.
Myself and Macduff stumbled across it, and the time machine was no more.
A time machine? Oh, this is crap.
Please don't tell me YOU believe this.
As you repeatedly told Gordon over the years, travelling back in time represented his only chance of winning you back.
We had our chance.
And you blew it.
It's too late.
You're actually insane, aren't you? Am I? On 29th of October of this year, Gordon Way prepared to travel back in time.
'Sequence initiated.
' But Gordon wasn't alone in the warehouse.
He had company! Henry.
You think Henry may have travelled through time, Mr Gently? Indeed I do, Mrs Jordan.
And I believe time travel must be terrifying and disorientating, particularly for a cat.
When Henry reappeared on the timeline in 1994, it's only natural he'd head for somewhere he felt safe.
He ran home.
Ah, where did you come from? You think that was Henry? That is until you renamed him George! It was the same cat? Dirk, this isn't funny.
.
.
He's making it up.
No.
They were so alike, their mannerisms in every way.
They were the same cat.
I'm sure they were! Ruth, no! Henry isn't missing.
He never was.
He's always been here with you.
Henry was born in 2007 and he died in 2006.
He had 14 happy years in between.
Henry's under the rose bush in the back garden, exactly where you buried him.
I couldn't bear the thought of him out there somewhere on his own.
I can't tell you how much this means to me.
Thank you, Mr Gently.
Aw, you are so welcome.
I believe you'll find the bill for my services distressingly modest.
Don't you dare! Ruth, I'm sorry, he's lying! Oh, I believe him.
Let me find my cheque book.
OK.
I am curious about one thing, Mrs Jordan.
What caused you to murder your husband? You are leaving! You're mentally deranged! He was an abusive, unpleasant bastard, Mr Gently.
And on this particular occasion, he was an abusive, unpleasant bastard to George, or should I call him Henry? Whichever he was.
He was mean to my cat! Come here, you little shit.
Oh, yeah.
Yes.
Probably crawling with fleas, yeah.
Don't you dare hurt him! Let him go, Harry! Let him go! Of course, at this moment, Gordon was hurrying to Susan's house.
Is everything OK? Is he? I panicked! I didn't mean to kill him! When you showed me the photograph of Gordon Way in the newspaper, I couldn't believe my eyes.
Oh, I must have missed that.
So, it appears we have established the final resting place of Gordon Way, for which, no doubt, I won't be rewarded.
Ruth, it can't have been Gordon.
It can't.
You must be confused.
It's impossible.
Oh.
Susan has a point, Mr Gently.
I doubt anybody would believe it! You can't prove any of this! And besides, all of you will soon be dead.
Your tea is laced with a cocktail of paracetamol, sleeping pills and beta-blockers.
Extremely lethal, I would imagine.
Oh, my God.
Ruth, how could you? I have no intention of seeing out my days in prison.
We need to get to a hospital.
We should take Susan's car! Ha-ho! Ye of little faith, Macduff! I'm sorry.
I know you weren't sleeping with Gordon Way.
I should have trusted you.
It's not you, it's me.
It's confidence.
I couldn't imagine why someone like you would want to be with me, and you're everything.
And if we get through this, I will fix it, I will.
I'll get a job, I'll stop being so bloody miserable and I'll take a shower every day, twice a day, and I won't leave my pants everywhere Gilks, it's Dirk Gently.
I want to report a most heinous crime.
I have been poisoned! It's no laughing matter, Gilks! A devious, evil bitch, that's who did it! We've completed a full range of tox screens.
We couldn't find any trace of any drugs of any kind.
Why did you think you'd been poisoned? Let them in! Jesus, no! So, is this your "devious, evil bitch", Gently? Apparently not, as in we weren't, in fact, poisoned.
Well, it's clearly an overdose.
Do you want to tell me why she might want to take her own life? Whatever her reasons were, I was not privy to them.
You did this.
You told her that Henry wasn't coming back.
He was all she had to live for! I believe I told her Henry was already back.
That is crap, and you know it.
Who's Henry? He was her cat.
She was lonely and vulnerable, and you exploited her, you heartless shit! My explanation of events may, to you, seem You really have a way with people, don't you, Gently? Did the deceased, by any chance, leave a cheque for me? Get out.
Have you looked? Oh All right! Out.
I'm going! I know this sounds a little bit left field, but I'm excited.
I've got a really, really I've got a good feeling.
I've invested my redundancy money into Dirk's detective agency.
Now, I've negotiated a really good deal.
The agency makes a healthy profit.
Dirk drives a 30-year-old Austin Leyland Princess! Yeah, no, but, no, he's showed me the accounts! He showed you some bits of paper with numbers written on, and you gave him 20 grand! Are you out of your mind? No, it seemed like a It's a good idea! He suggested it right after he hypnotised me, and I Dirk hypnotised you, and you suddenly think it's a great idea to go into business with him? Oh, my God.
I'm not saying any more.
It's your money! I'm going next door to sort out Ruth's things.
Janice, hello, it's Richard Macduff.
Is Dirk there? What do you mean he's out the country? 'Gordon, it's Susan.
' You were on the news! They said you were missing! What were you doing at the warehouse at the end of my street? 'Just let me know you're OK.
Call me.
' "Stay Another Day" by East 17 No, his name is Dirk Gently.
He's a guest at the hotel.
Hello? Dirk! Dirk, it's Richard! Yeah.
No, look, I've changed my mind about investing in the agency.
I want my money back.
I'm afraid that won't be possible, on account that the money is no longer in my possession.
What, none of it? What? Expenses? What expenses? A most intriguing case, Macduff.
I have plotted and triangulated the vectors of all the various events and occurrences and traced them to a five-star hotel in Barbados!
As anyone who follows the principles of quantum mechanics to their logical extremes cannot help but accept.
Ah, it's lovely tea.
Thank you.
My methods invariably necessitate a variety of expenses that, to the untrained eye, may appear somewhat tangential.
I assure you these expenses are essential and non-negotiable and payable in advance, naturally.
I see you're charging me for the purchase of a new refrigerator.
I no longer have access to my old refrigerator.
Whatever it takes, Mr Gently.
I just want you to find Henry and bring him home again.
I can't tell you how worried I am.
He's all I have! This is what I do, Mrs Jordan.
It is, as the French say, my raison d'etre.
It would be useful to have a recent photograph for identification purposes.
Oh.
Ah.
This was taken last Christmas.
A hat rather suits him.
Mrs Jordan, Dirk Gently.
I was wondering if you'd be so good as to provide me with your neighbour's telephone number.
'Hi.
This is Susan.
Leave a message after the beep.
' 'Pick up the phone.
'Pick Up The Phone!' 'Rule one of housebreaking, 'never answer the phone when you're in the middle of a job.
' Who is this? Rule two.
Preparation is everything.
Wear gloves, Macduff! 'Your fingerprints will be all over the house!' How do you know my name? Who is this? 'Come over to the window.
' Rule three, never show your face at the window.
Dirk? What are you doing here? Well, unlike yourself, I'm engaged in legitimate business! Right, no, that's I'm not a burglar.
I'm, I live here.
With, with Susan Harmison.
No, she's my girlfriend.
Susan! You remember.
This is her house.
You make a habit of stealing from your girlfriends? No, I'm not stealing.
That Cos I wasn't in This is not a I sent her an email.
So perfect! Everything.
You're such a cold, heartless, smug bitch! If she thinks her laptop has been stolen then maybe I can hack into her account and delete the email before she reads it.
Oh, you'll have to let me know if I can be of any assistance.
My fees are almost ridiculously modest.
You're a detective.
Your neighbour Mrs Jordan has retained my services to help locate her cat.
Right.
OK.
Yeah, no, I heard he was missing.
You don't by any chance know where he is, do you? Looked around the warehouse? I haven't seen you since we left university.
That is Incredible.
I suspect our meeting like this will prove to be more significant than either of us can possibly imagine.
Are you breaking in? Should you be going in there? Dirk? Dirk? What is this place? 'Incorrect access code.
'Security violation.
'Operating station will explode in 20 seconds.
' Explo '20.
' Did she '19.
18.
17.
' She just said this place will explode? '16.
15.
14.
' OK, that's Can we, can we get out, please? '13.
' She's bluffing.
'12.
11.
' Run! 'Nine.
Eight.
Seven.
'Six.
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
' It's very good to see you again, Richard Macduff.
Ah.
It was probably drug addicts, kids, you know? Smacked out and cracked up on crack and smack.
'The warehouse was owned by entrepreneur Gordon Way.
'The billionaire inventor was reported missing on Friday evening 'and is now feared to have died in the blast.
'Inspector Gilks, can you confirm whether a body has been found?' Not at this time.
The fire service is still searching the building.
What I can say is that we are launching a missing person's inquiry.
'So, there will be an announcement made' What are you doing today? Ah, don't, don't start all that again.
I'm not starting anything! I was just asking! Well, don't just ask! I don't care that you haven't got a job.
I don't care that you sit at home all day watching TV.
I don't even care that you've stopped taking regular showers.
You can do whatever you want, so long as it makes you happy.
But it obviously doesn't.
I'll see you tonight.
'Hi, this is Gordon.
Please leave a message.
' Gordon, it's Susan.
You were on the news.
They said you were missing! What were you doing at the warehouse at the end of my street? Justlet me know you're OK.
Call me.
Did you hear the explosion? No.
I was out last night.
Any sign of Henry? No.
I've hired a detective to find him.
Hi.
Looking for Dirk.
Is he in? He might be.
Then again he might not be.
Until he pays my wages, his whereabouts is no longer my concern.
Is that Macduff? Send him in.
Give him this.
Did my assistant offer you tea? Um, I think you no longer have an assistant.
Make yourself comfortable, Macduff! I always wondered what happened to you! University said you'd been expelled for cheating! Yes, I understand that was the official explanation.
I wouldn't choose to believe it myself.
So what exactly is a holistic detective? The term refers to my methods, in that they are holistic, and, in the proper sense of the word, chaotic.
I operate by investigating the fundamental interconnectedness between all things.
Right.
Does that work? Unquestionably.
The thing that most people fail to appreciate is that the connections between cause and effect is invariably much more subtle and complex than most people would naturally suppose.
Take the circumstances of our meeting last night.
The missing cat, the exploding warehouse.
No doubt you're still clinging to the misguided belief that it was all just a coincidence.
Well, it was, wasn't it? And yet here you sit with Ms Harmison's laptop computer tucked under your arm, which no doubt means you require my assistance in hacking into her email account.
Come with me, Macduff! I only came back to make sure you notice me when I finally leave for good.
Perhaps you'd be so kind as to place a stationery order.
I believe we're out of Post-It notes.
Ah, my refrigerator! Excellent! Straight up to the top floor if you will! Nice fridge.
My cleaner has padlocked the fridge in my flat.
We're engaged in a stand-off from which neither of us is prepared to back down.
It is the cold war writ small.
Oh, my God! Yeah, is This is the same car you drove at university! The Princess has proved herself a loyal and faithful servant.
Can't believe you're still driving this thing.
I think you'll find all good detectives drive classic cars.
I'm not sure an Austin Leyland Princess quite counts as a classic, but So, how on earth did you end up becoming a private detective? Have you heard of Schrodinger's cat? Should I have? It's an experiment devised by the eminent Doctor Schrodinger to investigate probability.
I'm guessing it involves a cat.
Yeah.
You take said cat and you place it in a sealed box, along with a small lump of radioactive material and a phial of mildly poisonous gas.
Within a given period of time there's an exactly 50:50 chance that an atom in the radioactive lump will decay and emit an electron, triggering the release of the gas, rendering the cat unconscious.
Is that even ethical? Some would say not.
Anyhow, on one occasion, Doctor Schrodinger and his colleagues opened the box and discovered that the cat was neither conscious, nor unconscious, but was, in fact Completely Missing.
I was called in to investigate.
I was quickly able to deduce that the cat had merely got fed up with repeatedly being locked in a box and occasionally gassed and had taken the first opportunity to hoof it out the window.
Bernice! Hey.
That was the cat's name.
Bernice came running and was restored to the box that very afternoon.
One thing led to another and it all culminated in the thriving career you see before you.
Gentleman needs to access his girlfriend's email account.
Give me ten minutes.
Oh! No! Hey! Where are you going? Relax, Macduff, he's a professional! He's a ten-year-old! 200 of your cheapest cigarettes, please.
That'll be lb50.
00, my friend! I seem to have left my wallet at the office.
We'll offset the cost against your account.
How much is this actually going to cost me? I'm surprised at you, Macduff! What price would you place on saving your relationship from ending in a black sea of acrimony and despair? We'll be needing a newspaper as well, Macduff.
It transpires the exploding warehouse we encountered shortly after our meeting is in fact, the property of the missing billionaire Gordon Way! His car was found parked outside.
Told you we shouldn't have gone in there.
Yet because we did, we now know that Gordon Way was not, in fact, inside the warehouse when it exploded.
Do you think we should talk to the police? As any Irishman will tell you when things start exploding, it's best to avoid the police at all costs.
I took the liberty of updating your virus protection.
It's connected to the school's Wi-Fi.
You'll find your girlfriend's email account is already open.
Excellent work.
Hey, what you Are you paying him in cigarettes? Surely we're all allowed some pleasures, Macduff.
Delete at will.
She hasn't read it.
Thank you.
I shall return to my office so I can prepare your invoice.
There's an email from Gordon Way.
Why is Gordon Way emailing Susan? Presumably for the same reason the missing billionaire owns a warehouse next door but one to her house! Would you also propose to dismiss this as mere coincidence? She's never said she knows him.
Don't you get it? The circumstances of our meeting, the exploding warehouse, Gordon Way's disappearance, these are all part of a web of events connected by a common thread! Discovering this thread will unavoidably lead us to determine the whereabouts of Henry the cat! I'm sorry, but is a missing cat really the most important issue right now? It is the issue I have been retained to investigate.
So, from a professional and, more importantly, financial point of view, I'd have to say yes! Yes, the cat is the issue! I'm not sure I want to get involved in all this.
You are already involved, Macduff, and to a greater degree than you can possibly comprehend.
Are you not at all curious as to why Gordon Way has been emailing your girlfriend? Of course I'm curious! Then we must immerse ourselves in Gordon's life and rifle through its contents.
Now, it seems a Doctor Gerstenberger was the last person to see Gordon Way! We must track him down.
Right.
And how are we going to do that? I suppose we're going to follow the web of interconnected events.
Don't be ridiculous.
I'm going to phone Directory Enquiries.
Do you not find it at all curious that both Gordon Way and Henry the cat disappeared on the same day? What, you think Gordon Way is somehow involved with Henry? I know nothing of Gordon Way's sexual proclivities, feline or otherwise.
Let us hope Doctor Gerstenberger can shed some light on the matter.
What are you doing? You need to lie on the grass.
What? Right here.
Place yourself on the grass, like this.
I'm not lying on the grass! Why not? Because I don't I'm not! Gordon Way was seeing a therapist, whose files, if we can gain access to them, I'm certain will contain pertinent or, at the very least, gossip-worthy material.
OK.
What has that got to do with me lying on the grass? Do you wish to know the nature of Gordon Way's intentions towards your girlfriend or not? Then I would kindly ask you to prostrate yourself on the grass.
This is ridiculous.
Right, now don't move.
Not a single muscle, understood? What am I doing? No-one knows who I am! Do you know who I am? Do you know me? No! Do you? I'm right here! Gerstenberger! Where are you, Gerstenberger? You can't go in there! They don't know who I am! They don't have any idea! You, you of all people, tell me you know who I am! Are you a patient? He doesn't know who I am! I'm sorry.
He just burst in.
This is my face! It's OK, I can handle this.
It's fine, just close the door.
Why don't you start by telling me your name? The time for names has come and gone and come and gone again.
Names no longer matter.
What are you doing? Don't! Goodbye, cruel world! No! Call an ambulance! Jesus, no.
Hello.
Who the hell are you? No-one.
OK.
Have a nice day.
Oh, what is up with these gears? It's like playing Russian roulette.
Anything interesting? There's no reference to any inappropriate feelings toward cats, or indeed any other animals.
It would appear any feelings of a sexual nature Gordon Way may have had were exclusively directed towards your girlfriend.
He mentioned Susan? What does it say? A brief, but illuminating extract.
"The patient is obsessively fixated on a Miss Susan Harmison, "with whom he had a relationship at university.
"The relationship ended in 1994, but the patient remains consumed "by overwhelming feelings of loss and regret.
" Wait, she went out with Gordon Way? She's never even mentioned him! Oh, they met at a hotel last week.
Might I suggest we adjourn to the pub? He is completely obsessed with her.
Think she's sleeping with him? We must consider the facts.
They have been meeting illicitly.
Miss Harmison has lied to you about said liaisons.
Gordon Way is a billionaire! Even as a confirmed heterosexual I'd have to say he's an extremely attractive man.
You, on the other hand, you look like him.
Thanks.
Makes me feel so much better.
Perhaps it would be productive if I were to speak to Ms Harmison.
No, Dirk! No.
I thought she might be of assistance in helping discover the whereabouts of Henry the cat.
I'm sorry.
I can't believe this is happening, Dirk! As much as I'd like to stay and help you drown your sorrows, I have some errands to run.
Your friend said you'd pay for the drinks.
'The next patient is on their way to you, Doctor Harmison.
' And what can I do for you? Susan! Susan Harmison! It's Dirk Gently! We were at university together! Oh, my God! What an amazing coincidence! I thought you were dead! I understand that rumour was popular in certain circles.
So what can I do for you? Oh, well, I seem to have developed a slight twinge in my shoulder.
I see! If you could just lower your trousers and pants.
You, you understand the twinge is in my shoulder? That's the thing with the human body.
Everything's connected.
Right.
Place your hands on the bed.
OK.
I thought you might be here to talk to me about Ruth's cat.
Yeah, she told me that she'd hired you.
I couldn't believe it was actually you! Well, I take it that that's why you're here? Oh, yeah, I'll just Dirk, I have a waiting room full of patients.
I don't have time for your bullshit.
I was hoping I might talk to you about Gordon Way.
Did you ever see Henry and Gordon together? Henry's a cat.
What on earth would they be doing together? That's what I'm hoping to find out.
May I ask what happened when you saw Gordon last week? He asked me to marry him.
Marry me.
He's been asking me every couple of years since we left university.
And your response to his heartfelt proposal? I said what I've always said.
We had our chance.
You blew it.
How did he take it? Not well.
He never did.
The night I said I'd meet you, I should have been there.
What night was he referring to? It was the night we split up.
Even back then Gordon was obsessed with computers and technology.
He didn't have time in his life for me.
If you're not at my house at eight o'clock it's over.
We're finished! I'll be there! I promise! Am I to understand that he didn't show up? He made up some ridiculous story about how he was on his way to see me when he was hit by a car.
Yeah, there was always some excuse.
I have on occasion used that one myself.
Well, I was too angry to forgive him.
You know what you're like at that age.
It WAS my birthday.
So, you'll remember the exact date? It was third year of university, so it will have been the 5th of December, 1994.
And where was Gordon supposed to meet you? I was living with my parents.
I live there now.
I moved back after my dad died.
Next door but one to the warehouse! Did you know Gordon owned the warehouse? No! No, he never told me! What was he using it for? Perhaps one can see into your bathroom from its roof.
Here you are, Mr Gently.
Tea.
Excellent.
Lovely photograph of you and Henry, Mrs Jordan.
Oh, that's not Henry, that's George! I said I wouldn't get another cat when George died.
One day I was passing a pet shop and I saw the sweetest little kitten in the window.
He reminded me so of George I couldn't resist.
And that was Henry? Yes.
Anything wrong, Mrs Jordan? Oh, yes.
It's just my medication.
I sincerely hope it's nothing that will impede you in any way before this case is brought to a satisfactory conclusion, the i's dotted, the t's crossed and the .
.
invoice paid? I believe I still have some life left in me, Mr Gently.
Well, I'm most deliriously happy to hear that, Mrs Jordan.
So, may I ask how it was that George came into your life? One day he just came running into the house.
Ah.
Where did you come from? I put up posters and asked all the neighbours.
I never found his owners.
He seemed happy here, so I kept him.
He was with me until 2006, and he's buried under the rose bush in the back garden.
So, when was this that George appeared? Well, I can probably tell you the date.
May I enquire as to the identity of the gentleman with the bouffant moustache? Oh, that was my husband, Harry.
I take it he is sadly no longer with us.
I have no idea! He walked out on me soon after that photograph was taken.
I find men with moustaches to be particularly dishonourable beings.
Hitler, Tom Selleck, being cases in point.
This was taken the day he came into the house, 5th December 1994.
The same date Susan and Gordon split up.
Interesting.
Did you ever happen to see this gentleman coming and going from the warehouse next door? No, I've never seen him before.
You said he knows Susan? Susan and Gordon Way were involved with each other at university.
You think he has something to do with Henry going missing? I'd say yes, in that every particle in the universe affects, however faintly and obliquely, every other particle.
I find this to be particularly true when those particles are arranged in the form of a cat.
May I? Oh.
Yes, of course.
So how's Gordon Way? Have you seen him lately? Yes.
And how was the hotel? Was that nice? Comfy beds? Monsoon shower? We had coffee.
Right, you had coffee.
Meaning you had "coffee"? I mean, we had coffee.
OK.
Just coffee.
Like milk and two sugars coffee? Little amaretti biscuit? Have you been talking to Dirk? Have you been talking to Dirk? Are you sleeping with Gordon Way? Is that what do you think of me? Just answer the bloody question! I have tried to make you happy.
I've tried! I have really tried, but I don't know what you want from me! I need a reason for us to be together.
No, don't You don't get to blame me for this, OK? You don't end this, I do! You should know I sent you an email.
Cold, heartless, smug bitch! I got in first! I ended this! Me! Can you just go, please? Please, just go! Detective Inspector Gilks! What a pleasant and unexpected surprise.
Why are you even in the vicinity of one of my crime scenes, Gently? And think very carefully before you answer, because if you so much as mention the interconnectedness of all things, I'll have you arrested under the anti-terror laws.
Actually, I'm looking for a cat! So me and Susan, it's all over.
Sorry to hear that.
You'll find ice in the freezer compartment.
She said nothing at all happened between her and Gordon Way.
I'm supposed to believe that.
You should believe it, Macduff.
The hotel manager has confirmed Ms Harmison's account of events.
She met Gordon Way in the restaurant, he had a cappuccino, Miss Harmison a latte, they had a brief conversation, and went their separate ways.
But I, I I accused her of cheating! Ah, to the contrary, Macduff, I am led to believe Ms Harmison has repeatedly rejected Gordon Way's advances.
She's a keeper, Macduff! I am such a screw-up.
Come on, Macduff, buck up.
Things can't be that bad.
I'm single, I'm homeless, I'm unemployed You're unemployed? Really? I had assumed you were a veterinarian! I was a business analyst for a power company.
I was made redundant six months ago.
A perfect example of interconnectedness.
An obese American fails to pay his mortgage, the ripples cross the ocean, you are cast onto the slagheap of the long-term unemployed.
Is all that meant to make me feel better? How are you managing? Hmm? I mean, financially.
There was a very generous redundancy package.
Was there? Yeah.
Mmm.
Well, Macduff, we must ensure you do not fritter it away on some indulgent whim.
I see you've been busy.
Yeah, it's a chronological timeline of all salient events and occurrences.
We must look for the solution in the connection between them.
Do you remember what you were doing on the 5th of December, 1994? Not a clue.
I don't know, do I? 1994?! I suppose I would have been at university.
Richard Macduff.
Yes? When a series of highly peculiar events occur surrounding a particular person, we must consider the possibility that this person is, in fact, the connection! I believe you, Macduff, hold the key to finding Henry the cat! Me? I would suggest you allow me to hypnotise you.
You think I'm going to let you hypnotise me? I'm not some gullible old woman.
You won't con me into buying you a new fridge.
I have one, I've no need of another.
What do you possibly hope to uncover? You hold vital information behind the locked door of your unconsciousness.
We need to smash the door open and retrieve it! I don't trust hypnosis! You could make me do anything! Oh, get a grip, Macduff! This isn't freshers' week at the Students' Union! I'm not going to make you dance around like Elvis and have sex with a watermelon! Are you not at all curious as to the sequence of events that led you to your present nadir? How does it all work? Relax your body.
Keep looking at the spoon.
You are feeling sleepy.
I'm not going to It's the 5th of December, 1994.
What's your most vivid memory from that day? I'm shouting at someone.
It was you, Dirk.
It was you! You told me you were clairvoyant.
Said you could predict all the questions in the exam.
Every one was wrong.
Dirk? I want my money back, Dirk! I want my money back, Dirk.
Stop the car, Dirk! Stop the car! 'It was Gordon Way!' You reversed into him! Did I? Oh! Don't just stand there, Macduff, help the man! Oh! Open your mind, Macduff.
When you come round, you will disregard your doubts, seeing it as a sensible and lucrative business opportunity.
It was Gordon Way.
You reversed into him.
I believe you can still see the dent in the Princess.
That Gordon was carrying flowers would suggest that he was, in fact, on his way to meeting Susan.
It appears we have two key dates - the 5th of December, 1994 and the 29th of October, 2010.
That's it! Of course! Of course that's what you'd do! What? You know where he is? Why did nothing change? Somethingsomething went wrong.
A cat appears.
A husband disappears.
Do you mind telling me what's going on? You know, we make a good team, Macduff.
Do we? The way we bounce ideas off one another.
We're like a single amorphous organism but with two brains.
Yeah.
Except one brain doesn't want to tell the other brain what's going on! I've been looking for someone like you.
Someone with a raw, natural talent.
You should think about coming into business with me.
That's not a bad idea.
Gently in, Macduff.
Think about it.
But first, I need you to phone Susan.
Find out if she knows anything about Mrs Jordan's husband.
No, no, no, I can't! I can't! I accused her of cheating! If you are to become my business partner, Macduff, you've got to start showing some backbone! Hello? 'Susan, it's me.
'Listen, don't hang up, it's important.
I'm with Dirk.
' I need to ask you about Ruth.
Do you remember her husband? Big bouffant moustache.
Right.
OK, do you know what happened to him? He walked out on Ruth years ago.
Look, I'm on my way round to see her.
I'll get her to call Dirk.
Is that it? Yeah.
That may have been a good opportunity to say something to the girl.
She doesn't know anything.
She's on her way round to Ruth's.
She's going to get her to call you.
She's going to see Mrs Jordan? Yeah.
What? I fear Susan may be in grave danger.
What, from little old Ruth? Well, perhaps "grave" is pushing it.
I fear Susan may be in an indeterminate amount of danger.
That's still dangerous.
Indeterminately so.
Come on, you beautiful bitch! He's so unhappy.
But he won't talk about it.
I think he blames me for losing his job! Men can be pricks.
I really miss him.
Oh, Richard called me just before I came round.
Dirk was asking about your husband.
Why was he asking about Harry? God knows.
I know it's none of my business, but Dirk's a conman.
He always has been.
Mr Gently tells me you were involved with Gordon Way at university.
I read about him in the newspaper.
Mmm.
He's missing.
Is everything all right, Ruth? I'll go.
Are you OK? Why? Shouldn't I be? Well, I Not, not, not really sure.
Mrs Jordan, I believe I've established the whereabouts of Henry the cat! Any time you're ready, Dirk! Five sugars, Mrs Jordan, thank you.
Let me take you back to 1994.
A momentous year.
Nelson Mandela was elected President of South Africa.
The Channel Tunnel opened.
East 17 were riding high in the charts.
East 17? A series of events was to unfold that would dramatically alter the lives of every single person in this room.
The 5th of December of that year.
Gordon Way is hurrying to meet his then girlfriend, Miss Harmison, when he is, unfortunately, prevented from reaching his destination.
Because Dirk reversed his car into him! Stop the car! It was true! Your subsequent rejection was a cruel and devastating blow, from which Gordon never fully recovered.
So, he set about building a time machine.
In the warehouse next door.
Myself and Macduff stumbled across it, and the time machine was no more.
A time machine? Oh, this is crap.
Please don't tell me YOU believe this.
As you repeatedly told Gordon over the years, travelling back in time represented his only chance of winning you back.
We had our chance.
And you blew it.
It's too late.
You're actually insane, aren't you? Am I? On 29th of October of this year, Gordon Way prepared to travel back in time.
'Sequence initiated.
' But Gordon wasn't alone in the warehouse.
He had company! Henry.
You think Henry may have travelled through time, Mr Gently? Indeed I do, Mrs Jordan.
And I believe time travel must be terrifying and disorientating, particularly for a cat.
When Henry reappeared on the timeline in 1994, it's only natural he'd head for somewhere he felt safe.
He ran home.
Ah, where did you come from? You think that was Henry? That is until you renamed him George! It was the same cat? Dirk, this isn't funny.
.
.
He's making it up.
No.
They were so alike, their mannerisms in every way.
They were the same cat.
I'm sure they were! Ruth, no! Henry isn't missing.
He never was.
He's always been here with you.
Henry was born in 2007 and he died in 2006.
He had 14 happy years in between.
Henry's under the rose bush in the back garden, exactly where you buried him.
I couldn't bear the thought of him out there somewhere on his own.
I can't tell you how much this means to me.
Thank you, Mr Gently.
Aw, you are so welcome.
I believe you'll find the bill for my services distressingly modest.
Don't you dare! Ruth, I'm sorry, he's lying! Oh, I believe him.
Let me find my cheque book.
OK.
I am curious about one thing, Mrs Jordan.
What caused you to murder your husband? You are leaving! You're mentally deranged! He was an abusive, unpleasant bastard, Mr Gently.
And on this particular occasion, he was an abusive, unpleasant bastard to George, or should I call him Henry? Whichever he was.
He was mean to my cat! Come here, you little shit.
Oh, yeah.
Yes.
Probably crawling with fleas, yeah.
Don't you dare hurt him! Let him go, Harry! Let him go! Of course, at this moment, Gordon was hurrying to Susan's house.
Is everything OK? Is he? I panicked! I didn't mean to kill him! When you showed me the photograph of Gordon Way in the newspaper, I couldn't believe my eyes.
Oh, I must have missed that.
So, it appears we have established the final resting place of Gordon Way, for which, no doubt, I won't be rewarded.
Ruth, it can't have been Gordon.
It can't.
You must be confused.
It's impossible.
Oh.
Susan has a point, Mr Gently.
I doubt anybody would believe it! You can't prove any of this! And besides, all of you will soon be dead.
Your tea is laced with a cocktail of paracetamol, sleeping pills and beta-blockers.
Extremely lethal, I would imagine.
Oh, my God.
Ruth, how could you? I have no intention of seeing out my days in prison.
We need to get to a hospital.
We should take Susan's car! Ha-ho! Ye of little faith, Macduff! I'm sorry.
I know you weren't sleeping with Gordon Way.
I should have trusted you.
It's not you, it's me.
It's confidence.
I couldn't imagine why someone like you would want to be with me, and you're everything.
And if we get through this, I will fix it, I will.
I'll get a job, I'll stop being so bloody miserable and I'll take a shower every day, twice a day, and I won't leave my pants everywhere Gilks, it's Dirk Gently.
I want to report a most heinous crime.
I have been poisoned! It's no laughing matter, Gilks! A devious, evil bitch, that's who did it! We've completed a full range of tox screens.
We couldn't find any trace of any drugs of any kind.
Why did you think you'd been poisoned? Let them in! Jesus, no! So, is this your "devious, evil bitch", Gently? Apparently not, as in we weren't, in fact, poisoned.
Well, it's clearly an overdose.
Do you want to tell me why she might want to take her own life? Whatever her reasons were, I was not privy to them.
You did this.
You told her that Henry wasn't coming back.
He was all she had to live for! I believe I told her Henry was already back.
That is crap, and you know it.
Who's Henry? He was her cat.
She was lonely and vulnerable, and you exploited her, you heartless shit! My explanation of events may, to you, seem You really have a way with people, don't you, Gently? Did the deceased, by any chance, leave a cheque for me? Get out.
Have you looked? Oh All right! Out.
I'm going! I know this sounds a little bit left field, but I'm excited.
I've got a really, really I've got a good feeling.
I've invested my redundancy money into Dirk's detective agency.
Now, I've negotiated a really good deal.
The agency makes a healthy profit.
Dirk drives a 30-year-old Austin Leyland Princess! Yeah, no, but, no, he's showed me the accounts! He showed you some bits of paper with numbers written on, and you gave him 20 grand! Are you out of your mind? No, it seemed like a It's a good idea! He suggested it right after he hypnotised me, and I Dirk hypnotised you, and you suddenly think it's a great idea to go into business with him? Oh, my God.
I'm not saying any more.
It's your money! I'm going next door to sort out Ruth's things.
Janice, hello, it's Richard Macduff.
Is Dirk there? What do you mean he's out the country? 'Gordon, it's Susan.
' You were on the news! They said you were missing! What were you doing at the warehouse at the end of my street? 'Just let me know you're OK.
Call me.
' "Stay Another Day" by East 17 No, his name is Dirk Gently.
He's a guest at the hotel.
Hello? Dirk! Dirk, it's Richard! Yeah.
No, look, I've changed my mind about investing in the agency.
I want my money back.
I'm afraid that won't be possible, on account that the money is no longer in my possession.
What, none of it? What? Expenses? What expenses? A most intriguing case, Macduff.
I have plotted and triangulated the vectors of all the various events and occurrences and traced them to a five-star hotel in Barbados!