Helluva Boss (2019) s01e00 Episode Script

car horns honking
Alright now I know business has been a bit slow lately
Yes, and it's no ones fault, okay?
I'm not naming any names here Moxxie.
Now does anyone have any bright ideas on how we can get business drumming up again?
What, about, a car wash?
This is hell, millie, no one cares about cars being clean here, okay?
Wha-ooh! What about a billboard?
We can't afford a billboard, sir
Helpful, Moxxie, really glad you're in the room right now
Have you guys forgotten what service we provide?
click
Haha!
BOOM
Unintelligible Screams
Shing!
Heh heh heh!
Ahhh! reh, Ahhhh!
Ah, those were the good times!
I don't need any reminding, sir
Considering you blew most of our salaries on an obnoxious TV ad last week!
One that you then additionally paid to have run for full 3 hours on a channel nobody watches!
uh, hey, excuse me
What's obnoxious about a super fun jingle, alright?
It's a fun distraction when an advertisement's spitting bullshit!
People love musicals sir!
Exactly, Millie!
And we're basically doing a musical
Are you going to crush my musical theatre dreams like my dad did?
Sir
Cause right now, all i see is just my dads ASSHOLE talking to me
Crushing my dreams of being who I truly am inside!
Are you trying to crush his dreams, Moxxie?
I-What?
I thought I knew you
I can't believe you Moxxie after I made you employee of the month!
Okay! Sir,
Inhales
I'm sorry, a commercial jingle is not comparable to musical theatre!
Nobody actually likes the jingles!
I liked it!
Do not Do not agree with him in front of me
Hi there Im Blitzo the O is silent
And im the founder of I.M.P.
Are you a piece of shit yourself sent to hell?
Or are you an innocent soul who FUCKED over by someone else?
After lovingly killing my wife for FUCKING A DELIVERY MAN, you can imagine my surprise when I wound up here! After the state of Ohio killed me!
I really wish I could stick it to that YAPPY JOGGER who saw me hiding the body!
Well luckily for you thanks to our companies special access to the living world
We can help you take care of your unfinished business by taking out anyone who screwed you over when-you-were-alive!
When you want somebody gone!
And you don't want to wait to long!
Call the immediate murder professionals!
And grenade or cyanide we'll make it look like suicide!
The Immediate! Murder! Professionals
We do our job so well!
Because we come straight up from hell!
We'll kill your husband or your wife
We'll even let you keep the knife!
The Immediate! Murder! Profession- PEW! Ooooh!
Slam!
Doctor he's not responding!
Ooh! Water! Stat!
Whapam!
It didn't do anything
Ugh, Damnit!
I'm not losing another one!
Electricity powering up
Clear!
Zap!
Sharp Inhale
Holy shit it actually worked
He appears to be in stable condition but he'll need surgery
Now what insurance provider do freaks have?
The FUCK is insurance?
glass breaks Ahhhhh!
Ooh! bang
Snap! Ahhhhh!
Kids die for freeeeeee!
I'd like to go on record and say that incident was Loona's fault
Dispatch is supposed to give us the right info on the target
Its very simple
Oh sit on a dick, Moxxie
You sit! Sit on, a in the d- DO YOUR JOB!!
Hey, now we don't blame our screwups on Loona, Okay?
She didn't do anything wrong!
Are you kidding me, sir?
She's awful
cute doggo phone rings
Hello I.M.P.
Unintelligible fast talking
Ring!
Happy adoption anniversary Loony!
I got you a little something
Is it a cure for syphilis?
I Oh
Then I don't want it!
Ugh!
I'm sorry you love spiders
God damnit
Um, excuse me, did you just fax me an ad for weight loss?
No
Wha..? why-why would anyone send me this?
Come on. You know why
Whoever left the fucking avocado salad in the fridge I'm taking it because I have the worst hangover right now
Why would you drink on a work night?
I'm hungover from this morning, dumbass
Isn't that my lunch?
You know what? I can't take this assault right now!
I need to blow off some fucking steam!
Haaaaaaaah!
Doof!
Blitzo, that clingy rich asshole is on the phone, says it's urgent, wants to talk to you
He sounds a little DTF'ey (DTF: down to fuck/sexual slang)
Oh god it was one time!
If I hadn't slept with that privileged asshole none of us would have access to the living world!
(stares motherfuckerly)
You what?
Got the book, got the book!
Got this fucking heavy book!
grunts
oh oh shit!
part foul
sorry I fucked your husband (:
BLITZ!!!
I heard you alrea-
So what can I do you for this time Stolas?
There's a political candidate causing trouble up on Earth for a few of my associates.
He's trying to convince people global warming exists!
Doesn't it?
Well, yes, but more people die if nothing is done about it
And it gets lonely here
Okay, well, yeah, that makes sense
You know what happens when I'm lonely Blitzy!
Oh god fucking damnit
When I'm lonely, I become hungry
And when I become hungry
I want to CHOKE on that red of yours!
your ! and lick all of your !
Before taking out your and with more teeth until you're screaming
Like a fucking baby!
oooooooooh!
snap
bang!
meow!
whir
eat this!
And then you know that bridge over the freeway?
Yeah?
Shit off it!
Look, the point is Loona is a valued member of our family
And we don't get rid of family
We aren't a family, sir!
You are the boss! We are the employees!
You treat here like she's some troubled teenager!
She's more like a meth addicted homeless women you let man the phones!
That is offensive!
Without homeless people, I wouldn't have HALF the joy and laughter I do in this life!
While we our on the subject of "family"
Can you stop finding me and Millie outside of work?
Come on sweetie! It's not that big a deal!
Excuse me WHAT!?
Honey, can you get me the butter?
Sure sweetie :)
Spoiler alert: The butter's spoiled!
Heh heh heh!
What's funny, honey?
Really impressive word play
What the!? why are you in our fridge!?
purring/snoring?
blinkidy blink
Whatcha dreaming about?
I was dreaming my parents were being murdered
But now I'd like to go back to that.
Of all the Imps in hell!
It's for (her/him) that I fell!
Oh millie!
Are you FUCKING filming us right now?!
Just-stop-doing that!
I don't see what the issue is! Is there something you don't want me seeing?
No!
You a baby wiener haver?
Sir!
What you say and how you act is totally INAPPROPRIATE!
Calm down Mox you're gonna have another panic attack!
I AM CALM!
Shh Shh there there
Look, I don't judge the boring couple stuff you do outside work hours so DON'T, judge, me
Ooh I DO judge you sir!
Quite a lot actually!
Mox he's our boss!
No no no, it's fine Mills your husband is just How do I say this without being offensive Retarded
Does immaturely insulting me make you feel better about your sad, single life?
It actually does
The only reason you have a wife is because you're easy to manage!
SLAM No he's not you BITCH!
Do not talk to my receptionist that way she's sensitive!
Yes I am!
You guys are all fucking assholes!
Beep Beep
Oh shut up kid you're lucky to witness this!
Ugh! This company is such a mess!
Alright lets get back to talking about my outfit
Nobody was talking about that!
Which is why I'm trying to get that ball rolling. Looks good, right?
It's been a literal hell having to pretend to be paralyzed so you fuckshits wouldn't kill me!
But now I want that! I want death!
You, are a selfish greedy clown
And I'm a kid! We're supposed to like clowns, even the creepy ones!
Hey now! That's not very-
If I wanted to hear from a spineless jackass I'd rip out your spine and ask you some shit!
That's my husband you're talking to!
Heheheheheheh!
That's your husband?!
I'd figured you for a slut!
But I didn't know you needed dick THAT bad!
And you!
What? What about me?
Nothing
I don't talk to dogs, I'm a cat person
Wow
You know kid, you kinda are a piece of shit
sounds of agreement
electric guitar
Oh fuck!
Guys I just got a text from our client
Guess he was the right target after all
Who?
Him
Me?
Yep
They wanted us to kill an actual child?
That's what they're saying
Well Christ on a stick I guess there is a god!
BAM
Ooowww!
You know, folks
With this company I really wanted to prove that we're capable of doing the same things anyone else can
Like killing people!
So from us here at the Immediate Murder Professionals group
We promise to settle your unfinished business or your money is gone and you're never getting it back and you can write us a bad review but we'll play dumb to it because it's hell and no one fucking cares
You know, even though this kid was a target
He's still a child, It's important that we handle this going forward respectfully
Please! sob If anyone has seen my little Eddie please contact us and-Ohhh!
You're welcome!
Oh what a thrill, when the crimson starts to spill!
And my Millie goes in for the kill!
She takes away my breath, she's the angel of death, for me!
Oh Millie!
She's my queen, it's like a dream, when I hear her victims start to scream!
In and out of the sack, she's the maniac, for me, oh Millie!
When the blood starts dripping down the walls!
Drip! Drip! Drip! Drip!
And the bodies, start, to fall!
Thud!
My heart, skips a beat, when my Millie's guns are blazing in the heat!
Bang! Bang! Bang!
My assassin love, she makes the murdering fun, for me!
a la da dee!
Of all the Imps in hell, it's for (her/him) that I fell
Oh Millie!