Mandy (2019) s01e00 Episode Script
Pilot
1
This programme contains some
strong language
POUNDING ELECTRO MUSIC
Warm
Leatherette
Warm
Leatherette
Warm
Leatherette
Warm
Leatherette. ♪
Excuse me?
Are you thinking of
buying that sofa? Um
How much is it?
That's £1,350.
I'll think about it.
Warm
Leatherette
Warm
Leatherette. ♪
DRIER BLOWS
See the breaking glass
In the underpass
See the breaking glass
In the underpass
Warm
Leatherette
Warm. ♪
Oh, shit the bed!
Square or squoval?
Um, squoval, please, Shola.
I need cheering up.
What color?
Sexual shenanigans, as usual.
I'm afraid we're out of that
particular shade, baby. Hmm.
I'll go for minty pig then, please.
MANDY SIGHS
What's the matter, honey?
You don't look like
your normally bubbly self.
There's a sofa I want.
I can't stop thinking about it.
VOICE BREAKS: Honestly,
it's making me ill.
Yeah.
This is it.
SHOLA CHEWS
CHEWING STOPS ABRUPTLY
That is the most beautiful
sofa I have ever seen.
But it looks expensive. It is.
Look at it, though.
Reminds me of the one Mike Baldwin
used to have in his flat.
You deserve it. I can't afford it.
I'll tell you, Shola,
this country
The price of Mach 3 razors
are enough to make you emigrate.
Come on. Where are we going?
Furniture World.
Warm
Leatherette. ♪
It's so soft.
Like a leather cloud.
If anyone comes out,
you distract them. How?
Just fall over or something.
HE CLEARS HIS THROA
SHOLA THUDS
Cushions come free with it.
You get these three.
The red one? We can throw that in.
Yeah. Have it.
So, I'll just
I'll just go draw up the paperwork.
I really like it.
It's nice, this, in't it?
Yes. This used to be mine.
Sorry?
Bought it last week, but I had
to return it cos of the bedbugs.
Had to burn most of my furniture.
It was the only way to
get rid of the buggers.
They gave me a refund on this,
though, which is lucky.
Oh, don't worry.
I'm sure most of them
dropped off in the delivery van.
OK. So, the good news is,
we can deliver on
OMINOUS MUSIC
PITCH HEIGHTENS
Warm
Leatherette
Warm. ♪
It's like she's back from the dead.
Thanks, love.
She really did live her life
like a candle in the winds.
I know.
SNIFFLES
PHONE BUZZES
Hello?
Patrick?
Oh, from LookieLikes!
What do you mean, you don't get
much call for Princess Di anymore?
I'm ready to go here.
Well, what am I supposed to do now?
I need the money.
Oh, that's not a bad idea.
We need you to finish the medical
trial, otherwise you won't be paid.
Also, do make sure
you sign the consent form,
as we cannot be held responsible for
any unforeseen adverse side effects,
such as disorientation, nausea
or massive swelling
on the face and head.
Look, I know there's risks,
but if it means I can save
just one little baby's life,
then it'll all have been worth it.
This is actually for halitosis.
Oh.
Still get paid, though, right?
Yeah.
MACHINE BLEEPS
PHONE BUZZES
Talk to me, Patrick.
No way!
Thought you said
there was no call for Lady Di.
Oh, right.
Well, sorry, Patrick, I can't.
I've already started
this medical trial thing.
No, I have to stay here.
I can't. I'm full of tubes.
This is worth £500.
All right, make it 800,
you've got yourself a deal.
Right, 750, you're on.
Warm
Leatherette
Warm
Leatherette
Warm. ♪
MUSIC: Heart And Soul by T'Pau
Jesus Christ!
What the f? It's all right.
I'm not Lady Di.
I just look like her.
CHATTER DIES
Is this a joke? What do you mean?
I'm from LookieLikes.
They told me you wanted a Lady Di.
You look nothing like her.
You're a mess.
You cheeky cow! Who are you meant
to be? Carol Decker from T'Pau.
You look nothing like Carol Decker
from T'Pau.
I AM Carol Decker from T'Pau.
Oh, fuck off.
I'm going to have to ask you
to leave. Don't worry, I'm going.
Do you mind if I use
your lav before I go?
CAROL SIGHS Upstairs. Thanks.
CHATTER RESUMES
Don't push too far ♪
Oh, my God!
..China in your hand ♪
Still a bit puffed up.
Aw, poor darling. Mm.
I always wanted to meet
Carol Decker from T'Pau.
Never meet your heroes, Shola.
She had a nice toilet, though.
I'll give her that.
Heated seat and everything.
Must be from the China In Your Hand
royalties. Mm.
What happened to your neck?
Whiplash.
Someone slammed
into the back of my car.
Will you be all right? Oh, yeah. I'm
just waiting for the compensation.
The what?
Compensation.
Where there's a blame,
there's a claim.
How much are you getting?
£2,000.
Two grand?!
Mm. Yeah, it's almost worth
nearly getting my head smashed off.
Good times for a change
See, the luck I've had
can make a good man turn bad
So please, please, please
Let me, let me, let me
Let me get what I want this time
Haven't had a dream in a long time
See, the life I've had
can make a good man bad
So, for once in my life
Let me get what I want
Lord knows,
it would be the first time
Lord knows, it would
be the first time ♪
MUSIC CONTINUES
Nothing's worked, Shola.
I'm at a low ebb.
There's one more thing I could try.
What do desperate people do?
You don't mean?
I'm going to have
to go on a teatime quiz show.
Oh, my God - Pointless.
I'm not going on Pointless!
That Richard Osman
creeps me out. Hm.
No, I'll go on Impossible.
I don't know this Impossible.
Rick Edwards hosts it.
Who is Rick Edwards? Rick Edwards.
Looks like a mannequin.
No.
Warm
Leatherette
Warm
Leatherette. ♪
Hiya. Hello.
It's Mandy. Uh-huh.
Going on the show.
Oh, great. Good luck.
Oh, no. Can I come in?
I've got a favour to ask.
No, I don't really I don't really
speak to people before the
Someone's coming. What?
Ooh, you've got great Do not sit.
Great. Sit down.
Yeah, make yourself at home.
Are they seedless?
Well, you tell me. Are they?
No, they're not.
I can't have ordinary people
in here. It's unsettling.
Can you just leave?
I need you to help me out.
What do you mean? On the show.
As in, give you the answers? Bingo.
I can't do that. Fine.
And what now?
I'm taking a picture. A selfie?
No, to prove I was in
your dressing room. Why?
#MeToo. You're
trying to blackmail me?
Yeah. No.
SHE GRUNTS CAMERA CLICKS
There you go.
Look, I can't
I can't give you the answers.
I can show you the subject areas.
Oh, right.
IMPOSSIBLE THEME PLAYS ON TV
Well, Mandy, you have had an unusual
run of topics, haven't you?
World's Strongest Man, the films
of Burt Reynolds, crystal healing.
And you've made it to play
the £10,000 question.
How are you feeling?
Bit nervous, you know.
Yeah? Yeah.
Really sweating under my arms.
Yeah, I was going to say.
Any weak areas in
your general knowledge?
Areas you'd like to avoid?
I'm no good at geography, Edward.
OK.
OK. Well, hopefully, that won't
Or sport, politics Mm-hm.
Films, books,
music, science or classic cars. Hm.
A few holes.
Hopefully we will avoid those.
Here come your nine answers.
Consulate Longsize, Inky Thyroids,
Bisto Gravy Granules,
Baader-Meinhofs,
Gallagher's Park Drive,
Lucky Strike, Camel,
White Horse Filter and Chesterfield.
And you're looking for
British cigarette brands
of the 1970s
and your time starts now.
Consulate Longsize, Gallagher's
Park Drive, White Horse filter.
That was quick.
Did it fall kindly for your? Pardon?
Did it fall kindly for you? I don't know what
that means, Edward. Was it a good question?
Do you think you know the answers?
I think
I think I know the answers, yeah.
That's lucky, isn't it?
There's a lot of things
you didn't know about,
but this has come up. All right.
Let's see if you're right.
You said Consulate Longsize first.
Yeah, it's right.
Then you said
Gallagher's Park Drive.
Also right.
For £10,000, is White Horse
Filter the right answer?
Yes.
What a surprise. It is right.
Well done, Mandy. Thank you.
You've been an extraordinary
player. You've just won £10,000.
Tra la la ♪
So, Mandy leaves us with £10,000.
Join me again tomorrow for another
episode of Impossible. Goodbye.
Tra la la, tra la la
I'm so happy that I could cry
Tra la la, tra la la
You're as cute as a movie star
Tra la la, tra la lo
I'd be crazy to let you go
Tra la la, tra la lou
All my loving is just for you
Tra la la, tra la la
Oh, I want to whistle
But I don't know how
So I'm singing
Tra la la, tra la la
I love you just the way you are
Tra la la, tra la lee
I'm as happy as I can be. ♪
This programme contains some
strong language
POUNDING ELECTRO MUSIC
Warm
Leatherette
Warm
Leatherette
Warm
Leatherette
Warm
Leatherette. ♪
Excuse me?
Are you thinking of
buying that sofa? Um
How much is it?
That's £1,350.
I'll think about it.
Warm
Leatherette
Warm
Leatherette. ♪
DRIER BLOWS
See the breaking glass
In the underpass
See the breaking glass
In the underpass
Warm
Leatherette
Warm. ♪
Oh, shit the bed!
Square or squoval?
Um, squoval, please, Shola.
I need cheering up.
What color?
Sexual shenanigans, as usual.
I'm afraid we're out of that
particular shade, baby. Hmm.
I'll go for minty pig then, please.
MANDY SIGHS
What's the matter, honey?
You don't look like
your normally bubbly self.
There's a sofa I want.
I can't stop thinking about it.
VOICE BREAKS: Honestly,
it's making me ill.
Yeah.
This is it.
SHOLA CHEWS
CHEWING STOPS ABRUPTLY
That is the most beautiful
sofa I have ever seen.
But it looks expensive. It is.
Look at it, though.
Reminds me of the one Mike Baldwin
used to have in his flat.
You deserve it. I can't afford it.
I'll tell you, Shola,
this country
The price of Mach 3 razors
are enough to make you emigrate.
Come on. Where are we going?
Furniture World.
Warm
Leatherette. ♪
It's so soft.
Like a leather cloud.
If anyone comes out,
you distract them. How?
Just fall over or something.
HE CLEARS HIS THROA
SHOLA THUDS
Cushions come free with it.
You get these three.
The red one? We can throw that in.
Yeah. Have it.
So, I'll just
I'll just go draw up the paperwork.
I really like it.
It's nice, this, in't it?
Yes. This used to be mine.
Sorry?
Bought it last week, but I had
to return it cos of the bedbugs.
Had to burn most of my furniture.
It was the only way to
get rid of the buggers.
They gave me a refund on this,
though, which is lucky.
Oh, don't worry.
I'm sure most of them
dropped off in the delivery van.
OK. So, the good news is,
we can deliver on
OMINOUS MUSIC
PITCH HEIGHTENS
Warm
Leatherette
Warm. ♪
It's like she's back from the dead.
Thanks, love.
She really did live her life
like a candle in the winds.
I know.
SNIFFLES
PHONE BUZZES
Hello?
Patrick?
Oh, from LookieLikes!
What do you mean, you don't get
much call for Princess Di anymore?
I'm ready to go here.
Well, what am I supposed to do now?
I need the money.
Oh, that's not a bad idea.
We need you to finish the medical
trial, otherwise you won't be paid.
Also, do make sure
you sign the consent form,
as we cannot be held responsible for
any unforeseen adverse side effects,
such as disorientation, nausea
or massive swelling
on the face and head.
Look, I know there's risks,
but if it means I can save
just one little baby's life,
then it'll all have been worth it.
This is actually for halitosis.
Oh.
Still get paid, though, right?
Yeah.
MACHINE BLEEPS
PHONE BUZZES
Talk to me, Patrick.
No way!
Thought you said
there was no call for Lady Di.
Oh, right.
Well, sorry, Patrick, I can't.
I've already started
this medical trial thing.
No, I have to stay here.
I can't. I'm full of tubes.
This is worth £500.
All right, make it 800,
you've got yourself a deal.
Right, 750, you're on.
Warm
Leatherette
Warm
Leatherette
Warm. ♪
MUSIC: Heart And Soul by T'Pau
Jesus Christ!
What the f? It's all right.
I'm not Lady Di.
I just look like her.
CHATTER DIES
Is this a joke? What do you mean?
I'm from LookieLikes.
They told me you wanted a Lady Di.
You look nothing like her.
You're a mess.
You cheeky cow! Who are you meant
to be? Carol Decker from T'Pau.
You look nothing like Carol Decker
from T'Pau.
I AM Carol Decker from T'Pau.
Oh, fuck off.
I'm going to have to ask you
to leave. Don't worry, I'm going.
Do you mind if I use
your lav before I go?
CAROL SIGHS Upstairs. Thanks.
CHATTER RESUMES
Don't push too far ♪
Oh, my God!
..China in your hand ♪
Still a bit puffed up.
Aw, poor darling. Mm.
I always wanted to meet
Carol Decker from T'Pau.
Never meet your heroes, Shola.
She had a nice toilet, though.
I'll give her that.
Heated seat and everything.
Must be from the China In Your Hand
royalties. Mm.
What happened to your neck?
Whiplash.
Someone slammed
into the back of my car.
Will you be all right? Oh, yeah. I'm
just waiting for the compensation.
The what?
Compensation.
Where there's a blame,
there's a claim.
How much are you getting?
£2,000.
Two grand?!
Mm. Yeah, it's almost worth
nearly getting my head smashed off.
Good times for a change
See, the luck I've had
can make a good man turn bad
So please, please, please
Let me, let me, let me
Let me get what I want this time
Haven't had a dream in a long time
See, the life I've had
can make a good man bad
So, for once in my life
Let me get what I want
Lord knows,
it would be the first time
Lord knows, it would
be the first time ♪
MUSIC CONTINUES
Nothing's worked, Shola.
I'm at a low ebb.
There's one more thing I could try.
What do desperate people do?
You don't mean?
I'm going to have
to go on a teatime quiz show.
Oh, my God - Pointless.
I'm not going on Pointless!
That Richard Osman
creeps me out. Hm.
No, I'll go on Impossible.
I don't know this Impossible.
Rick Edwards hosts it.
Who is Rick Edwards? Rick Edwards.
Looks like a mannequin.
No.
Warm
Leatherette
Warm
Leatherette. ♪
Hiya. Hello.
It's Mandy. Uh-huh.
Going on the show.
Oh, great. Good luck.
Oh, no. Can I come in?
I've got a favour to ask.
No, I don't really I don't really
speak to people before the
Someone's coming. What?
Ooh, you've got great Do not sit.
Great. Sit down.
Yeah, make yourself at home.
Are they seedless?
Well, you tell me. Are they?
No, they're not.
I can't have ordinary people
in here. It's unsettling.
Can you just leave?
I need you to help me out.
What do you mean? On the show.
As in, give you the answers? Bingo.
I can't do that. Fine.
And what now?
I'm taking a picture. A selfie?
No, to prove I was in
your dressing room. Why?
#MeToo. You're
trying to blackmail me?
Yeah. No.
SHE GRUNTS CAMERA CLICKS
There you go.
Look, I can't
I can't give you the answers.
I can show you the subject areas.
Oh, right.
IMPOSSIBLE THEME PLAYS ON TV
Well, Mandy, you have had an unusual
run of topics, haven't you?
World's Strongest Man, the films
of Burt Reynolds, crystal healing.
And you've made it to play
the £10,000 question.
How are you feeling?
Bit nervous, you know.
Yeah? Yeah.
Really sweating under my arms.
Yeah, I was going to say.
Any weak areas in
your general knowledge?
Areas you'd like to avoid?
I'm no good at geography, Edward.
OK.
OK. Well, hopefully, that won't
Or sport, politics Mm-hm.
Films, books,
music, science or classic cars. Hm.
A few holes.
Hopefully we will avoid those.
Here come your nine answers.
Consulate Longsize, Inky Thyroids,
Bisto Gravy Granules,
Baader-Meinhofs,
Gallagher's Park Drive,
Lucky Strike, Camel,
White Horse Filter and Chesterfield.
And you're looking for
British cigarette brands
of the 1970s
and your time starts now.
Consulate Longsize, Gallagher's
Park Drive, White Horse filter.
That was quick.
Did it fall kindly for your? Pardon?
Did it fall kindly for you? I don't know what
that means, Edward. Was it a good question?
Do you think you know the answers?
I think
I think I know the answers, yeah.
That's lucky, isn't it?
There's a lot of things
you didn't know about,
but this has come up. All right.
Let's see if you're right.
You said Consulate Longsize first.
Yeah, it's right.
Then you said
Gallagher's Park Drive.
Also right.
For £10,000, is White Horse
Filter the right answer?
Yes.
What a surprise. It is right.
Well done, Mandy. Thank you.
You've been an extraordinary
player. You've just won £10,000.
Tra la la ♪
So, Mandy leaves us with £10,000.
Join me again tomorrow for another
episode of Impossible. Goodbye.
Tra la la, tra la la
I'm so happy that I could cry
Tra la la, tra la la
You're as cute as a movie star
Tra la la, tra la lo
I'd be crazy to let you go
Tra la la, tra la lou
All my loving is just for you
Tra la la, tra la la
Oh, I want to whistle
But I don't know how
So I'm singing
Tra la la, tra la la
I love you just the way you are
Tra la la, tra la lee
I'm as happy as I can be. ♪