Mongrels (2010) s01e00 Episode Script
We Are Mongrels (Unaired Pilot)
1 (SCREAMING) I can see the head, I can see the head! One more push.
It's coming.
- It's coming, darling, it's coming! - (SCREAMS) It's a little baby boy.
(WOMAN GASPS) Andand another one.
And two girls, and a boy.
Yes, thank you, Professor Robert Winston, we get the idea! Aw, bless her, it's like she's trying to say something, innit? Patronise me, Gary, why not? Destiny, look at Mummy.
Oh, and now you're filming me.
Wonderful(!) In fact, why not just invite the neighbours? (DOORBELL RINGS) Oh, Jesus! Not Jeff and Linda! Argh! Any second now Any second now I don't know what you're being such a girl about, man.
Marion, the love of my life, is giving birth.
And you know puppies are my favourite.
It goes puppies, then dolphins, then elephants.
Then unicorns No, wait, ponies, then unicorns It's a shame the dad didn't stick around.
I knew he was too good to be true.
Like his great-grandma's buried in the Blue Peter garden(!) Well, look on the bright side, Nels - now he's out the way, you could be the dad.
(GASPS) God, you're right! I'd make a great father! I taught you how to ride a bike, how to catch Er, well - # Raindrops keep fallin' on my head # - I'm doing it! I'm doing it! - Catch! - Argh! And if I help Destiny raise her bastard children, she'll finally see how much I love her.
Can you keep the noise down? Some of us are trying to self-harm.
Oh, come on, Debbie, we're just excited about the new pups.
Great, cos that's just what I need to hear(!) Here's me completely barren, ovaries as much use as Gail Porter's hairdryer.
Lord, take me now! - Ahem.
- Destiny, are you OK? Five pups, eight bitches, mother tired but radiant.
Now, who wants to see a gorgeous puppy? Ooh! Me, me, me! Me, me, me! (ALL GASP) Don't be scared by the nasty animal.
He can't get you.
Are you sure? - What if he eats through the glass? - What?! - Rrrghhh! - Oh! (VOMITS) I just burped, and a bit of sick came out.
Can't see from here.
Describe her for us, Nelson.
Yeah, go on, Nelson.
Don't be all gushy, I'll be embarrassed.
Wow.
Er, don't know where to, um, start.
She's got lovelylovelyeyes? You say ''eyes'', Nels, but she's only really got one, and it's all bulgy and this funny red colour.
- Red?! - It's pink! Pink for a girl.
Exactly.
OK, maybe she is a little unconventional in the old face department Oh, that's the face ! I get it.
But she's got character, like Sophie Dahl or Sarah Jessica Parker.
- Or a shaven mole - Thanks, Marion, that's plenty.
Destiny, she's a real heartbreaker.
- Course she is.
Takes after her mum.
- Rrrrgh! Holy crap! That is one ugly puppy! - Excuse me? - It's like the sun, innit? You can only look at it for a couple of seconds before it sends you blind! - Ignore her, Destiny.
- I can still see it! Damn you, 360-degree vision.
Like I care what you lowlifes think, anyway! Destiny, wait! Kali, youoaf! I was only being honest.
Yes, and I was only being diplomatic.
The puppy clearly had a face like a smacked arse.
- DESTINY: I can actually still hear you.
- Right, sorry! (WHISPERS) Her puppy clearly had a face like a smacked arse.
Oh, man, even talking about it makes me feel sick.
DESTINY: Why not just chat somewhere else? Righto! Ghoulish as they are, they're still Destiny's pups.
If I can win their hearts, I'll win her.
Maybe I'll get them a nice present.
Thoughts? Oh, well, they'd look good in one of those things you put on their heads.
Begins with a B.
Bonnet? Beret? - Bobble hat? - A bin bag! Oh, right.
Or something nice from IKEA! What's IKEA? They might have some old stock at Wembley Park from the spring-summer range.
A lot of it's ex-display material, but the quality's still excellent.
- What's IKEA? - So I'll get the gift, - you make the card, understood? - What's IKEA? Excellent.
Toodle-pip! No, seriously, what's IKEA? Whoa! OK, so you're not the prettiest puppies in the world.
We can still be happy together.
You're bound to have my brain.
(SIZZLING) - (SIZZLING) - Who wants geeky kids, anyway? What's important is you respect your mum.
Ah! Oi! All that really matters is we love each other! - (SNARLING) - Ow! - (GLASS SMASHES) - Oh, crap.
Ah, little scamps, they just need a strong male role model Die, vermin! Argh! Not the snout, please! Just take my purse! Nelson, you twat! It's me, Vinny! The Vinster, Sir Vincealot The Vince-a-sizer, Vince-o-rama, the V-Man Vince-Wincey-Spider, Vin-Tin-Tin, you know, Vince! Oh, Vince! God, haven't seen you since Mum's funeral.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today on the A40, just past the Little Chef, opposite Travelodge, to mourn the passing of dearly beloved Bernadette - (TYRES SCREECHING) - Oh, God, Terence, no! of dearly beloved Terence and Bernadette.
So how's the family? Where's the wife? - Under a train! - And the kids? I ate 'em! Well, that explains the lack of thank-you cards last Christmas.
And now I'm free and single, I fancy a large boys' night out in the city.
- Ooh! Two words - Mamma Mia.
- You what? Oh, I know the story's nonsense, but the music is quite spellbinding.
Nelson, old son, I'm a fox, yeah? I just want to have sex, maybe eat someone.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure most theatres have rules about that kind of thing.
Sod it! Let's go for a drink.
Ah, well, I was on my way to IKEA I ain't drinking alone.
- Ahem.
Destiny? - Mm? Sorry for saying that your litter was so ugly you should be prosecuted for fly-tipping.
- You didn't say that.
- Yeah, it came to me after.
Well, I don't care, anyway.
I'm too busy bonding with my wonderful pups.
I can't bear to be apart from them for a single second.
I see house prices have taken another tumble.
Destiny, it's OK not wanting to be with your pups.
Is it? Oh, thank God! I was starting to think there was something wrong with me No, it just means you're dead on the inside with no capacity for genuine emotion.
Oh.
But I'm just not ready to be a mum, you know.
I'm not even three years old, for God's sake.
Oh, I don't know.
Debbie, is you thinking what I's thinking? Er And we're happy the British courts have recognised my client's legal right to end her life with dignity.
Are you ready? I'm ready.
(SQUAWKING) (CAMERAS CLICK) I'm probably not thinking what you're thinking, no.
Destiny, if you want to get over this whole bonding thing, - just try holding them - Oh, OK.
under about 50 centimetres of water.
- Kali, I am not drowning my puppies.
- OK, I'll drown them.
- No! - How about I just drown one of them? - No! - Not even the one - with the freakishly large head? - N No! If you really can't cope, put them up for adoption.
Lots of kids get adopted (WHISPERS) and never even know.
Mum, Dad, you wanted to tell me something? Oh, yeah! I'll find them a better mum, someone who can give them the love they deserve.
Fine, so long as I can give them a special cuddle before - You are not smothering my puppies! - (TUTS) Whatever.
Now, wipe your feet and I'll make you a nice cup of herbal tea.
Jesus! What is this place? Oh, excuse the mess, someone died here last night.
Wait, if you were at evensong when the crime was committed, you can't possibly have heard the fatal gunshot.
J'accuse! A murder-mystery dinner? Nelson, you're supposed to be a fox, in't ya? I am a fox! Now, camomile, blackberry or elderflower? I don't want your gay elderflower tea.
Well, if you prefer something stronger, I have got peppermint.
You're an embarrassment, mate.
What would your old mum say? And she'd be right! OK, maybe I have made some compromises living in the city, but I'm the same fearsome creature, red in tooth and claw, et cetera.
- Red what? - It's Blake.
Or is it Tennyson? Point is, I'm still king of the urban predators! Yo, Nels, I found some of that sparkly, silver, glitter glue - you're always on about.
- Not now, Marion.
All right? Marion, Nelson's best mate.
- You're best mates with a pussycat? - Well, technically, - he's more a mate of a mate.
- What are you on about? You bought that poofy Forever Friend bear for my birthday.
That is absolutely preposterous! It was a key ring.
OK, Nelson, if you're the big fox, you get this pussy out your den.
All right, then (CLEARS THROAT) I will.
Please may you leave the glitter glue on my beanbag, then get the heck out of my den? Oh, well, if that's the way you feel, see you about, then, yeah? Bye.
Oh, I think I've upset him.
You've ruined everything! Me?! I ain't the one living like some kind of tame little nonce! OK, look, you might not approve, but I'm happy.
I've got mates, I've got my own spice rack and I'm this close to winning the heart of the dog of my dreams! You're in love with a dog? Yes, and she's called Destiny and she's amazing.
So why don't you get out, Vince? Go on, go! I never want to see your face again! Now, would you like a nice coconut macaroon to take with you? (DISH SMASHES) Oh, great(!) Now I'll have to sweep.
What's up? - Someone crap in your food dish? - No.
Check again, Tiddles! It's Nelson, he's got this new best mate, and he's harder than me.
Oh, well, why don't you just try talking to this new mate? - Maybe you could all be friends together.
- Do you think? No, course not! Beat the crap out of him, homo! But I can't fight! My owners will get me neutered.
I've got an idea, but only if you promise to eat me - the second I find a way out this coop.
- Debbie, I swear to God I will tear your face off and eat you from the inside out.
You're not just saying that? - I promise.
- Witness! OK, here's what you'll need to get rid of this new mate - a tripwire, four knitting needles, two kilos of dried, pitted prunes Come on, boy, we're getting your nuts chopped off.
What?! Look, I thought we had an understanding, man! Wow, that seemed entirely arbitrary.
Yep.
Aw, looking at you now, all peaceful, it seems almost a shame to give you away.
- (AIR HORN BLARES) - Hey, pups! Papa Nelson's here! Nelson, you arse! I'd only just got them off to sleep.
- But I've bought them a present.
- Oh.
I didn't have time for IKEA, so I made them a nice puppet.
Because who could be a better role model for their impressionable minds thanJesus Christ himself! Oh, it's me! The Big J! I've only gone and risen againagain.
Nelson, that's Russell Brand.
What? Uh, forget the puppet, it's gone.
Now, I heard you weren't really coping and that you're putting the pups up for adoption? - Who told you that? - Oh, heard it on the grapevine.
Plus, I got one of the fliers.
And I saw the ad in the paper.
And Phil and Fern did a brief segment on it.
Yeah, wellI want to make sure they get the best possible parent.
Then look no further.
- Ha! You? - Why not? I love you, and we could be a team - you, me, the pups? - Just the 1 5 of us? - Nelson? - Yes, my love? - I'll tell you why not.
Because you're a fox, and I'm a pedigree Afghan hound.
And FYI, you grotty little bin-sniffer, you will not raise my pups, I will not fall for you in spite of myself and I will absolutely, definitely, 1 00%, categorically never see past your mangy exterior to the real you inside! (WINDOW SLAMS SHUT) (MUFFLED) OK, sorry, so just to clarify (GROANS) No! Do not do this, please! - Lively little fella, isn't he? - Lively?! You're cutting my balls off! So who's the surgeon in charge, then? Yeah, not so much a surgeon per se, as Chico, the losing finalist from 2005's X Factor.
What? Run that by me again.
It's some reality show thing.
You know what TV's like these days - any excuse to crowbar in a famous face.
- (KNOCK ON DOOR) - Chico's on his way.
- Cheers.
- OK, deep breaths, Marion! It's probably just a really weird dream! Whoo! It's castration time - OK, time-out, time-out! - Now, boy.
This'll help you hit the high notes.
No, no, no, stop this madness! - Someone, please! - (GAS HISSES) Vince.
Vince? - Dr Vincenstein.
- What do you want? Only this, to say the hardest thing one friend can say to another.
- Gav? - Yeah? You know that Arctic Monkeys album you leant us? Yeah? Well, I'm kind of having sex with your mum.
Sorry.
I'm sorry for throwing you out of my den.
Oh, God! You haven't bought me some kind of girlie present, have you? - (BOTH LAUGH) - No! As if! Abort, abort.
- The fact is, you were right! - Really? And me and Destiny never would have worked.
For one, I live next door, and it's like they say - never crap where you eat.
Why not? I always crap where I eat.
Hand wipe? Anyone? OK, so you want to be a real fox again, then, yeah? Prove it.
I'm talking about a boys' night out, big style! Well, I suppose I haven't let my hair down in a while, not since the Eurovision party.
Well, I've got something a little bit messier in mind.
(LAUGHS) Oh, that was pretty messy! You see, we all brought a dip from a different country, and Marion was Greece, so he was in charge of the hummus, and Shut up! And follow me.
- Abso-bloody-lutely! - (SQUELCHING) Crikey, I see you weren't joking about the whole crapping-where-you-eat thing.
Ah.
Ah.
Ooh! Ah.
What's up? - You wouldn't understand.
- Try me.
I've just been surgically castrated by Chico from The X Factor.
You're right, I totally don't get that.
I feel so humiliated.
I mean, for God's sake! He didn't even win it! Still, this'll cheer you up.
Whoa, man! How did you get out? Now, I won't lie, it wasn't easy finding a way to get that lock open.
The key! The key to the coop - I am free! Hallelujah! Halle (GASPS) Oh, for the love of God! So I picked the lock with a feather.
Come on, big boy! Take me now! Rip me wing from wing! - What's wrong? - Don't know.
- It's like I'm not in the mood.
- Is it me? Am I not appetising enough? - I've got some Oxo cubes somewhere.
- No, it ain't that.
(GASPS) It's my balls! Chico! What have you done to me? Great.
Do you have any idea how stupid I feel right now? Oh, come on! I only had my balls chopped off, like, an hour ago! - Oh, that old line.
- Well, I'm sorry! At least you're out now.
Maybe you could just, you know, - finish yourself off.
- Oh, marvellous(!) (PUPS WHIMPER) OK, according to my list, you're the only applicant to adopt my pups.
But I've got a really good feeling you're the perfect mum.
Now, what are your parenting skills? Hello? Hello?! Oh, sorry! I was up till five sniffing strangers' bottoms - so I could get drugs.
- Good! Yeah, so you're resourceful.
I'll just make a quick note of that.
Then I got drunk on Magners and ate a family of squirrels from Dagenham.
- Strong on discipline.
- And I mean the whole family.
Women, children, even tracked down the uncle.
Very dedicated.
Well, that's all I need to know.
Happy parenting! Let's have a look at them, then.
- (PUPS BARK) - Jesus! Argh! Eurgh! (VOMITS) (SIGHS) Bugger.
What a night! I went out on the lash and I didn't even take my hay fever medication! - Whoa, lock up your chickens.
- Then we went to a club! Oh, you should have seen me, Debbie.
I just played it cool.
#Are we human 0r are we dancer? Then I got really tired, so Vince give me some kind of magic bean And then we just had a bloody good chinwag.
This is so amazing! I just want to stay up all night and drink and dance and then fall asleep with my contact lenses in! We should do something really wild together, you know? Like watch all six series of Sex And The City back to back! Or book a jigsawing holiday to Dublin, not even take out the optional travel insurance! Or eat something! Something small that can't fight back, likelikelikelikelike likelikelikelikelikelike likelikelikelike Destiny's pups! Pups? She's got pups? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and we should eat them.
Wait! - # Wake up in the morning # - Sorry, I have really got to go and dance! Ah.
Turns out I may have accidentally taken some drugs and made a brunch date with a big, scary fox to eat Destiny's pups.
Nelson, you absolute idiot.
I know, but I only did a half and I drank loads of water! - No, the pups.
- Right.
Oh, God.
Think, man.
Wait! It'll be OK, Destiny'll protect them.
I can't cope! I've got to get out! - I've got to get out! - (PUPS YELPING) (SIGHS) There we go, no-one's going to spot the bald patch now.
- What happened to your balls? - Damn it! Look, if it makes you feel better, you look dead good on it.
- Oh, cheers.
- In fact, you look two stones lighter! (SNIGGERS) Too soon? It's too soon.
I miss them, Kali, both of them.
(MUSIC STARTS) Oh, God, he's going to sing.
(AUTO-TUNE EFFECT) # Hey, yeah, yeah Reach down to touch You can't believe there's nothing there Wanna run my fingers through your short and curly hair It's just the little things Those moments I can't face Bending down to lick you Just to find a bald, pink space Those times we spent together Man, they was intense Remember when I tried to jump over that barbed wire fence? What about my sex life? What will I tell my bitches? That Chico's cut my knackers off and left me 1 5 stitches? I'm in pain Gone insane since they cut you babies up Or maybe it's just the anaesthetic wearing off He wants his balls back That's what I'm saying He wants his balls back Back here and swaying He wants his balls back I really need them Back in his sac Anybody seen them? Used to be just us three Now I've lost my desire Cos you're gone, I'm alone But I can sing two octaves higher! He wants his balls back Do you get me? He wants his balls back Why'd you vet me? He wants his balls back Just want to scratch you Back in his sac Wish they'd re-attach you Ooh, whoa, yeah.
(THEY SPLUTTER) Well, the good news is, I know my way to the vet's.
- Yeah, how? - I'm a homing pigeon, you muppet! I've got a built-in sense of direction, innit? SAT-NAV: Take the next exit.
What exit? There is no exit! Turn around where possible.
Oh, well, (BLEEP) you, lady! So come on, then! Let's reclaim those gonads! Yeah, all right, then.
They will just screw back on, though, won't they? (WHISPERS) OK, the coast is clear.
- I think we're going to - Oi, oi! So where are these puppies, then? Ah, about that - you're absolutely sure you wouldn't prefer muffins? They're gluten free.
Nelson, what's under the blanket? Oh, my gosh! Pop impresario Louis Walsh! - What's Louis Walsh? - Well, it's all just gossip, but I'm thinking bi-curious at the absolute least.
Now just look that way.
- (HE GASPS) - (WHIMPERING) Ah, damn it, that's a shame.
You just missed the little Irish scamp.
(IRISH ACCENT) So you did, hoo-hoo! ( # THEME FROM MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE) Whoa, man, it's like that Indiana Jones film in 'ere.
What, Raiders 0f The Lost Ark? No, the new one a massive pile of bollocks.
Now, where are my nuts? Hmm, no, they're too small.
(SCOFFS) Not really my colour! Now, they're a bit different! (GASPS) My babies! Oh, my God, I missed you! Things'll be different this time, and it won't just always be about the sex.
I will pamper you, I'll protect you - KaliKali, what are you doing? - (MUFFLED SPEECH) I can't understand.
You'll have to take my balls out of your mouth.
You really think I brought you here out of charity? Ha! If you want your knackers back, you'll have to work for them.
You evil little bitch! Marion, that ain't evil, it's vindictive! - OK, Barry! - No, no, no! (THUD) Now, that's evil.
(CHUCKLES) You mean there's no puppies?! Oh, it must have been some kind of practical joke.
That Destiny, she is a prankster.
PRESENTER: Meet Nelson - he's a racist, alcoholic cross-dresser and he beats his wife.
Hang about, this isn't Cash In The Attic.
Well, sorry I've wasted your time.
Anyway, I'll let you get on.
But you've got my e-mail address, remember, not the Yahoo one - I use that for spam, OK? Bye! - Loser! - Argh! I just saw that big, scary fox climb in! Please don't tell me he's eaten my puppies! (SOBS) How will I ever know happiness again?! - Destiny, they're fine.
- Oh.
They're right here in the rotating hot cupboard.
- Quick head count - two, four, six - (WHIMPERING) Oh.
One missing.
(DISTANT VOICE) Puppy! Puppy heading for the park! Nelson, game on! - Oh, no! What have I done? - You moron! Still, she's gone now.
Time to move on, rebuild our lives.
No, we can still save her! - Yeah, we probably can't.
- There's not a moment to lose! OK! Fine! Behold! See how the mighty tom cat is brought down.
I wouldn't normally do this, yeah? But she's got my knackers.
And if you ever want to be Nelson's hard mate again, you'll do exactly what I say, right? Now, oink like a pig! Oink, oink, oink.
- Bark like a dog! - Ruff, ruff! Boost my self-esteem like Gok Wan.
Girlfriend, you is working those feathers.
Excellent, my whiskery minion.
Now awkwardly read an autocue like Lily Allen.
Coming up, music fromKings ofLeon.
Well, now, there's something you don't see every day.
Where are you, you tasty little bastard? A-ha! Oh, no! Looks like we're a split second too late.
No, it doesn't! Vince, you put down that puppy! You what? This is breakfast.
Good point.
And breakfast is the most important meal of the day, so - I can't let this happen! - Oh, yeah? And what you going to do about it? Well, I suppose I might just have to, like, apply to the county courts for some kind of restraining order.
( # BONNIE TYLER: Holding Out For A Hero) Or failing that Die, vermin! Where have all the good men gone And where are? Destiny! Now's your chance! Grab the pup! Sorry, I didn't quite catch that.
Ha! Oh, well, never mind, Nelson - best man won, and all that.
VINCE: Bam, bam, bo! Oh, yes! Sorry, is this going to take much longer? Only, I've got aqua-aerobics at five.
I need a hero Ha-ha! Urgh! Ah-ooh! I'm warning you, if you don't back off, I'll set Marion onto you! Now pretend to be a lesbian to get more magazine covers, like Lindsay Lohan.
Oh, God, I, like, totally love boobies and so on.
OK, scratch that.
I need a hero Seriously, can someone just text me the name of the winner? He's gotta be strong and he's gotta be fast #And he's gotta be fresh from the fight I need a hero - (RAT SWITCHES OFF MUSIC) - (VINCE HUMS THE TUNE) (CHUCKLES) Gotcha! - Hi-yah! - Urgh! Oh, my God! I did it! I am a good mum! My baby, I do love you! And I love you too.
Now kiss me, you fool! Aw! Yeah, who's a lovely little baby? Yes, you are! Yes, you are! (SQUEAKING) (GASPS) Oh, hi.
How are you feeling? You should see the other guy! I did.
I watched him beat the living crap out of you.
- Oh, yeah.
- But thank you.
Thanks for taking care of my babies while I sorted my head out.
- Oh, it's OK.
- And I was going to ask if you'd help me raise the pups Oh, my God, Destiny, this is the happiest moment of my then my owners flogged 'em to a blind couple from Northampton.
- Ah.
- They'll be gone within the hour! And I'm single again, so I'm off to the park.
Ciao! Marion! - What? - She doesn't need me, Marion.
- She never will.
- Still, at least I've got my nuts back.
- Yes, I did notice those.
- I'm a man again! And I want to sayI love you, Nels! - I really, really love you, cuz! - Oh, er Yeah.
Thanks, Marion.
I, umlove you too.
Where did you get the wheels, by the way? Oh, you knowI found 'em.
Mum! Mum! Mum Subs from DVD, with SubRip150b4 & Subtitle Edit 3.
0 Numenor
It's coming.
- It's coming, darling, it's coming! - (SCREAMS) It's a little baby boy.
(WOMAN GASPS) Andand another one.
And two girls, and a boy.
Yes, thank you, Professor Robert Winston, we get the idea! Aw, bless her, it's like she's trying to say something, innit? Patronise me, Gary, why not? Destiny, look at Mummy.
Oh, and now you're filming me.
Wonderful(!) In fact, why not just invite the neighbours? (DOORBELL RINGS) Oh, Jesus! Not Jeff and Linda! Argh! Any second now Any second now I don't know what you're being such a girl about, man.
Marion, the love of my life, is giving birth.
And you know puppies are my favourite.
It goes puppies, then dolphins, then elephants.
Then unicorns No, wait, ponies, then unicorns It's a shame the dad didn't stick around.
I knew he was too good to be true.
Like his great-grandma's buried in the Blue Peter garden(!) Well, look on the bright side, Nels - now he's out the way, you could be the dad.
(GASPS) God, you're right! I'd make a great father! I taught you how to ride a bike, how to catch Er, well - # Raindrops keep fallin' on my head # - I'm doing it! I'm doing it! - Catch! - Argh! And if I help Destiny raise her bastard children, she'll finally see how much I love her.
Can you keep the noise down? Some of us are trying to self-harm.
Oh, come on, Debbie, we're just excited about the new pups.
Great, cos that's just what I need to hear(!) Here's me completely barren, ovaries as much use as Gail Porter's hairdryer.
Lord, take me now! - Ahem.
- Destiny, are you OK? Five pups, eight bitches, mother tired but radiant.
Now, who wants to see a gorgeous puppy? Ooh! Me, me, me! Me, me, me! (ALL GASP) Don't be scared by the nasty animal.
He can't get you.
Are you sure? - What if he eats through the glass? - What?! - Rrrghhh! - Oh! (VOMITS) I just burped, and a bit of sick came out.
Can't see from here.
Describe her for us, Nelson.
Yeah, go on, Nelson.
Don't be all gushy, I'll be embarrassed.
Wow.
Er, don't know where to, um, start.
She's got lovelylovelyeyes? You say ''eyes'', Nels, but she's only really got one, and it's all bulgy and this funny red colour.
- Red?! - It's pink! Pink for a girl.
Exactly.
OK, maybe she is a little unconventional in the old face department Oh, that's the face ! I get it.
But she's got character, like Sophie Dahl or Sarah Jessica Parker.
- Or a shaven mole - Thanks, Marion, that's plenty.
Destiny, she's a real heartbreaker.
- Course she is.
Takes after her mum.
- Rrrrgh! Holy crap! That is one ugly puppy! - Excuse me? - It's like the sun, innit? You can only look at it for a couple of seconds before it sends you blind! - Ignore her, Destiny.
- I can still see it! Damn you, 360-degree vision.
Like I care what you lowlifes think, anyway! Destiny, wait! Kali, youoaf! I was only being honest.
Yes, and I was only being diplomatic.
The puppy clearly had a face like a smacked arse.
- DESTINY: I can actually still hear you.
- Right, sorry! (WHISPERS) Her puppy clearly had a face like a smacked arse.
Oh, man, even talking about it makes me feel sick.
DESTINY: Why not just chat somewhere else? Righto! Ghoulish as they are, they're still Destiny's pups.
If I can win their hearts, I'll win her.
Maybe I'll get them a nice present.
Thoughts? Oh, well, they'd look good in one of those things you put on their heads.
Begins with a B.
Bonnet? Beret? - Bobble hat? - A bin bag! Oh, right.
Or something nice from IKEA! What's IKEA? They might have some old stock at Wembley Park from the spring-summer range.
A lot of it's ex-display material, but the quality's still excellent.
- What's IKEA? - So I'll get the gift, - you make the card, understood? - What's IKEA? Excellent.
Toodle-pip! No, seriously, what's IKEA? Whoa! OK, so you're not the prettiest puppies in the world.
We can still be happy together.
You're bound to have my brain.
(SIZZLING) - (SIZZLING) - Who wants geeky kids, anyway? What's important is you respect your mum.
Ah! Oi! All that really matters is we love each other! - (SNARLING) - Ow! - (GLASS SMASHES) - Oh, crap.
Ah, little scamps, they just need a strong male role model Die, vermin! Argh! Not the snout, please! Just take my purse! Nelson, you twat! It's me, Vinny! The Vinster, Sir Vincealot The Vince-a-sizer, Vince-o-rama, the V-Man Vince-Wincey-Spider, Vin-Tin-Tin, you know, Vince! Oh, Vince! God, haven't seen you since Mum's funeral.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today on the A40, just past the Little Chef, opposite Travelodge, to mourn the passing of dearly beloved Bernadette - (TYRES SCREECHING) - Oh, God, Terence, no! of dearly beloved Terence and Bernadette.
So how's the family? Where's the wife? - Under a train! - And the kids? I ate 'em! Well, that explains the lack of thank-you cards last Christmas.
And now I'm free and single, I fancy a large boys' night out in the city.
- Ooh! Two words - Mamma Mia.
- You what? Oh, I know the story's nonsense, but the music is quite spellbinding.
Nelson, old son, I'm a fox, yeah? I just want to have sex, maybe eat someone.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure most theatres have rules about that kind of thing.
Sod it! Let's go for a drink.
Ah, well, I was on my way to IKEA I ain't drinking alone.
- Ahem.
Destiny? - Mm? Sorry for saying that your litter was so ugly you should be prosecuted for fly-tipping.
- You didn't say that.
- Yeah, it came to me after.
Well, I don't care, anyway.
I'm too busy bonding with my wonderful pups.
I can't bear to be apart from them for a single second.
I see house prices have taken another tumble.
Destiny, it's OK not wanting to be with your pups.
Is it? Oh, thank God! I was starting to think there was something wrong with me No, it just means you're dead on the inside with no capacity for genuine emotion.
Oh.
But I'm just not ready to be a mum, you know.
I'm not even three years old, for God's sake.
Oh, I don't know.
Debbie, is you thinking what I's thinking? Er And we're happy the British courts have recognised my client's legal right to end her life with dignity.
Are you ready? I'm ready.
(SQUAWKING) (CAMERAS CLICK) I'm probably not thinking what you're thinking, no.
Destiny, if you want to get over this whole bonding thing, - just try holding them - Oh, OK.
under about 50 centimetres of water.
- Kali, I am not drowning my puppies.
- OK, I'll drown them.
- No! - How about I just drown one of them? - No! - Not even the one - with the freakishly large head? - N No! If you really can't cope, put them up for adoption.
Lots of kids get adopted (WHISPERS) and never even know.
Mum, Dad, you wanted to tell me something? Oh, yeah! I'll find them a better mum, someone who can give them the love they deserve.
Fine, so long as I can give them a special cuddle before - You are not smothering my puppies! - (TUTS) Whatever.
Now, wipe your feet and I'll make you a nice cup of herbal tea.
Jesus! What is this place? Oh, excuse the mess, someone died here last night.
Wait, if you were at evensong when the crime was committed, you can't possibly have heard the fatal gunshot.
J'accuse! A murder-mystery dinner? Nelson, you're supposed to be a fox, in't ya? I am a fox! Now, camomile, blackberry or elderflower? I don't want your gay elderflower tea.
Well, if you prefer something stronger, I have got peppermint.
You're an embarrassment, mate.
What would your old mum say? And she'd be right! OK, maybe I have made some compromises living in the city, but I'm the same fearsome creature, red in tooth and claw, et cetera.
- Red what? - It's Blake.
Or is it Tennyson? Point is, I'm still king of the urban predators! Yo, Nels, I found some of that sparkly, silver, glitter glue - you're always on about.
- Not now, Marion.
All right? Marion, Nelson's best mate.
- You're best mates with a pussycat? - Well, technically, - he's more a mate of a mate.
- What are you on about? You bought that poofy Forever Friend bear for my birthday.
That is absolutely preposterous! It was a key ring.
OK, Nelson, if you're the big fox, you get this pussy out your den.
All right, then (CLEARS THROAT) I will.
Please may you leave the glitter glue on my beanbag, then get the heck out of my den? Oh, well, if that's the way you feel, see you about, then, yeah? Bye.
Oh, I think I've upset him.
You've ruined everything! Me?! I ain't the one living like some kind of tame little nonce! OK, look, you might not approve, but I'm happy.
I've got mates, I've got my own spice rack and I'm this close to winning the heart of the dog of my dreams! You're in love with a dog? Yes, and she's called Destiny and she's amazing.
So why don't you get out, Vince? Go on, go! I never want to see your face again! Now, would you like a nice coconut macaroon to take with you? (DISH SMASHES) Oh, great(!) Now I'll have to sweep.
What's up? - Someone crap in your food dish? - No.
Check again, Tiddles! It's Nelson, he's got this new best mate, and he's harder than me.
Oh, well, why don't you just try talking to this new mate? - Maybe you could all be friends together.
- Do you think? No, course not! Beat the crap out of him, homo! But I can't fight! My owners will get me neutered.
I've got an idea, but only if you promise to eat me - the second I find a way out this coop.
- Debbie, I swear to God I will tear your face off and eat you from the inside out.
You're not just saying that? - I promise.
- Witness! OK, here's what you'll need to get rid of this new mate - a tripwire, four knitting needles, two kilos of dried, pitted prunes Come on, boy, we're getting your nuts chopped off.
What?! Look, I thought we had an understanding, man! Wow, that seemed entirely arbitrary.
Yep.
Aw, looking at you now, all peaceful, it seems almost a shame to give you away.
- (AIR HORN BLARES) - Hey, pups! Papa Nelson's here! Nelson, you arse! I'd only just got them off to sleep.
- But I've bought them a present.
- Oh.
I didn't have time for IKEA, so I made them a nice puppet.
Because who could be a better role model for their impressionable minds thanJesus Christ himself! Oh, it's me! The Big J! I've only gone and risen againagain.
Nelson, that's Russell Brand.
What? Uh, forget the puppet, it's gone.
Now, I heard you weren't really coping and that you're putting the pups up for adoption? - Who told you that? - Oh, heard it on the grapevine.
Plus, I got one of the fliers.
And I saw the ad in the paper.
And Phil and Fern did a brief segment on it.
Yeah, wellI want to make sure they get the best possible parent.
Then look no further.
- Ha! You? - Why not? I love you, and we could be a team - you, me, the pups? - Just the 1 5 of us? - Nelson? - Yes, my love? - I'll tell you why not.
Because you're a fox, and I'm a pedigree Afghan hound.
And FYI, you grotty little bin-sniffer, you will not raise my pups, I will not fall for you in spite of myself and I will absolutely, definitely, 1 00%, categorically never see past your mangy exterior to the real you inside! (WINDOW SLAMS SHUT) (MUFFLED) OK, sorry, so just to clarify (GROANS) No! Do not do this, please! - Lively little fella, isn't he? - Lively?! You're cutting my balls off! So who's the surgeon in charge, then? Yeah, not so much a surgeon per se, as Chico, the losing finalist from 2005's X Factor.
What? Run that by me again.
It's some reality show thing.
You know what TV's like these days - any excuse to crowbar in a famous face.
- (KNOCK ON DOOR) - Chico's on his way.
- Cheers.
- OK, deep breaths, Marion! It's probably just a really weird dream! Whoo! It's castration time - OK, time-out, time-out! - Now, boy.
This'll help you hit the high notes.
No, no, no, stop this madness! - Someone, please! - (GAS HISSES) Vince.
Vince? - Dr Vincenstein.
- What do you want? Only this, to say the hardest thing one friend can say to another.
- Gav? - Yeah? You know that Arctic Monkeys album you leant us? Yeah? Well, I'm kind of having sex with your mum.
Sorry.
I'm sorry for throwing you out of my den.
Oh, God! You haven't bought me some kind of girlie present, have you? - (BOTH LAUGH) - No! As if! Abort, abort.
- The fact is, you were right! - Really? And me and Destiny never would have worked.
For one, I live next door, and it's like they say - never crap where you eat.
Why not? I always crap where I eat.
Hand wipe? Anyone? OK, so you want to be a real fox again, then, yeah? Prove it.
I'm talking about a boys' night out, big style! Well, I suppose I haven't let my hair down in a while, not since the Eurovision party.
Well, I've got something a little bit messier in mind.
(LAUGHS) Oh, that was pretty messy! You see, we all brought a dip from a different country, and Marion was Greece, so he was in charge of the hummus, and Shut up! And follow me.
- Abso-bloody-lutely! - (SQUELCHING) Crikey, I see you weren't joking about the whole crapping-where-you-eat thing.
Ah.
Ah.
Ooh! Ah.
What's up? - You wouldn't understand.
- Try me.
I've just been surgically castrated by Chico from The X Factor.
You're right, I totally don't get that.
I feel so humiliated.
I mean, for God's sake! He didn't even win it! Still, this'll cheer you up.
Whoa, man! How did you get out? Now, I won't lie, it wasn't easy finding a way to get that lock open.
The key! The key to the coop - I am free! Hallelujah! Halle (GASPS) Oh, for the love of God! So I picked the lock with a feather.
Come on, big boy! Take me now! Rip me wing from wing! - What's wrong? - Don't know.
- It's like I'm not in the mood.
- Is it me? Am I not appetising enough? - I've got some Oxo cubes somewhere.
- No, it ain't that.
(GASPS) It's my balls! Chico! What have you done to me? Great.
Do you have any idea how stupid I feel right now? Oh, come on! I only had my balls chopped off, like, an hour ago! - Oh, that old line.
- Well, I'm sorry! At least you're out now.
Maybe you could just, you know, - finish yourself off.
- Oh, marvellous(!) (PUPS WHIMPER) OK, according to my list, you're the only applicant to adopt my pups.
But I've got a really good feeling you're the perfect mum.
Now, what are your parenting skills? Hello? Hello?! Oh, sorry! I was up till five sniffing strangers' bottoms - so I could get drugs.
- Good! Yeah, so you're resourceful.
I'll just make a quick note of that.
Then I got drunk on Magners and ate a family of squirrels from Dagenham.
- Strong on discipline.
- And I mean the whole family.
Women, children, even tracked down the uncle.
Very dedicated.
Well, that's all I need to know.
Happy parenting! Let's have a look at them, then.
- (PUPS BARK) - Jesus! Argh! Eurgh! (VOMITS) (SIGHS) Bugger.
What a night! I went out on the lash and I didn't even take my hay fever medication! - Whoa, lock up your chickens.
- Then we went to a club! Oh, you should have seen me, Debbie.
I just played it cool.
#Are we human 0r are we dancer? Then I got really tired, so Vince give me some kind of magic bean And then we just had a bloody good chinwag.
This is so amazing! I just want to stay up all night and drink and dance and then fall asleep with my contact lenses in! We should do something really wild together, you know? Like watch all six series of Sex And The City back to back! Or book a jigsawing holiday to Dublin, not even take out the optional travel insurance! Or eat something! Something small that can't fight back, likelikelikelikelike likelikelikelikelikelike likelikelikelike Destiny's pups! Pups? She's got pups? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and we should eat them.
Wait! - # Wake up in the morning # - Sorry, I have really got to go and dance! Ah.
Turns out I may have accidentally taken some drugs and made a brunch date with a big, scary fox to eat Destiny's pups.
Nelson, you absolute idiot.
I know, but I only did a half and I drank loads of water! - No, the pups.
- Right.
Oh, God.
Think, man.
Wait! It'll be OK, Destiny'll protect them.
I can't cope! I've got to get out! - I've got to get out! - (PUPS YELPING) (SIGHS) There we go, no-one's going to spot the bald patch now.
- What happened to your balls? - Damn it! Look, if it makes you feel better, you look dead good on it.
- Oh, cheers.
- In fact, you look two stones lighter! (SNIGGERS) Too soon? It's too soon.
I miss them, Kali, both of them.
(MUSIC STARTS) Oh, God, he's going to sing.
(AUTO-TUNE EFFECT) # Hey, yeah, yeah Reach down to touch You can't believe there's nothing there Wanna run my fingers through your short and curly hair It's just the little things Those moments I can't face Bending down to lick you Just to find a bald, pink space Those times we spent together Man, they was intense Remember when I tried to jump over that barbed wire fence? What about my sex life? What will I tell my bitches? That Chico's cut my knackers off and left me 1 5 stitches? I'm in pain Gone insane since they cut you babies up Or maybe it's just the anaesthetic wearing off He wants his balls back That's what I'm saying He wants his balls back Back here and swaying He wants his balls back I really need them Back in his sac Anybody seen them? Used to be just us three Now I've lost my desire Cos you're gone, I'm alone But I can sing two octaves higher! He wants his balls back Do you get me? He wants his balls back Why'd you vet me? He wants his balls back Just want to scratch you Back in his sac Wish they'd re-attach you Ooh, whoa, yeah.
(THEY SPLUTTER) Well, the good news is, I know my way to the vet's.
- Yeah, how? - I'm a homing pigeon, you muppet! I've got a built-in sense of direction, innit? SAT-NAV: Take the next exit.
What exit? There is no exit! Turn around where possible.
Oh, well, (BLEEP) you, lady! So come on, then! Let's reclaim those gonads! Yeah, all right, then.
They will just screw back on, though, won't they? (WHISPERS) OK, the coast is clear.
- I think we're going to - Oi, oi! So where are these puppies, then? Ah, about that - you're absolutely sure you wouldn't prefer muffins? They're gluten free.
Nelson, what's under the blanket? Oh, my gosh! Pop impresario Louis Walsh! - What's Louis Walsh? - Well, it's all just gossip, but I'm thinking bi-curious at the absolute least.
Now just look that way.
- (HE GASPS) - (WHIMPERING) Ah, damn it, that's a shame.
You just missed the little Irish scamp.
(IRISH ACCENT) So you did, hoo-hoo! ( # THEME FROM MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE) Whoa, man, it's like that Indiana Jones film in 'ere.
What, Raiders 0f The Lost Ark? No, the new one a massive pile of bollocks.
Now, where are my nuts? Hmm, no, they're too small.
(SCOFFS) Not really my colour! Now, they're a bit different! (GASPS) My babies! Oh, my God, I missed you! Things'll be different this time, and it won't just always be about the sex.
I will pamper you, I'll protect you - KaliKali, what are you doing? - (MUFFLED SPEECH) I can't understand.
You'll have to take my balls out of your mouth.
You really think I brought you here out of charity? Ha! If you want your knackers back, you'll have to work for them.
You evil little bitch! Marion, that ain't evil, it's vindictive! - OK, Barry! - No, no, no! (THUD) Now, that's evil.
(CHUCKLES) You mean there's no puppies?! Oh, it must have been some kind of practical joke.
That Destiny, she is a prankster.
PRESENTER: Meet Nelson - he's a racist, alcoholic cross-dresser and he beats his wife.
Hang about, this isn't Cash In The Attic.
Well, sorry I've wasted your time.
Anyway, I'll let you get on.
But you've got my e-mail address, remember, not the Yahoo one - I use that for spam, OK? Bye! - Loser! - Argh! I just saw that big, scary fox climb in! Please don't tell me he's eaten my puppies! (SOBS) How will I ever know happiness again?! - Destiny, they're fine.
- Oh.
They're right here in the rotating hot cupboard.
- Quick head count - two, four, six - (WHIMPERING) Oh.
One missing.
(DISTANT VOICE) Puppy! Puppy heading for the park! Nelson, game on! - Oh, no! What have I done? - You moron! Still, she's gone now.
Time to move on, rebuild our lives.
No, we can still save her! - Yeah, we probably can't.
- There's not a moment to lose! OK! Fine! Behold! See how the mighty tom cat is brought down.
I wouldn't normally do this, yeah? But she's got my knackers.
And if you ever want to be Nelson's hard mate again, you'll do exactly what I say, right? Now, oink like a pig! Oink, oink, oink.
- Bark like a dog! - Ruff, ruff! Boost my self-esteem like Gok Wan.
Girlfriend, you is working those feathers.
Excellent, my whiskery minion.
Now awkwardly read an autocue like Lily Allen.
Coming up, music fromKings ofLeon.
Well, now, there's something you don't see every day.
Where are you, you tasty little bastard? A-ha! Oh, no! Looks like we're a split second too late.
No, it doesn't! Vince, you put down that puppy! You what? This is breakfast.
Good point.
And breakfast is the most important meal of the day, so - I can't let this happen! - Oh, yeah? And what you going to do about it? Well, I suppose I might just have to, like, apply to the county courts for some kind of restraining order.
( # BONNIE TYLER: Holding Out For A Hero) Or failing that Die, vermin! Where have all the good men gone And where are? Destiny! Now's your chance! Grab the pup! Sorry, I didn't quite catch that.
Ha! Oh, well, never mind, Nelson - best man won, and all that.
VINCE: Bam, bam, bo! Oh, yes! Sorry, is this going to take much longer? Only, I've got aqua-aerobics at five.
I need a hero Ha-ha! Urgh! Ah-ooh! I'm warning you, if you don't back off, I'll set Marion onto you! Now pretend to be a lesbian to get more magazine covers, like Lindsay Lohan.
Oh, God, I, like, totally love boobies and so on.
OK, scratch that.
I need a hero Seriously, can someone just text me the name of the winner? He's gotta be strong and he's gotta be fast #And he's gotta be fresh from the fight I need a hero - (RAT SWITCHES OFF MUSIC) - (VINCE HUMS THE TUNE) (CHUCKLES) Gotcha! - Hi-yah! - Urgh! Oh, my God! I did it! I am a good mum! My baby, I do love you! And I love you too.
Now kiss me, you fool! Aw! Yeah, who's a lovely little baby? Yes, you are! Yes, you are! (SQUEAKING) (GASPS) Oh, hi.
How are you feeling? You should see the other guy! I did.
I watched him beat the living crap out of you.
- Oh, yeah.
- But thank you.
Thanks for taking care of my babies while I sorted my head out.
- Oh, it's OK.
- And I was going to ask if you'd help me raise the pups Oh, my God, Destiny, this is the happiest moment of my then my owners flogged 'em to a blind couple from Northampton.
- Ah.
- They'll be gone within the hour! And I'm single again, so I'm off to the park.
Ciao! Marion! - What? - She doesn't need me, Marion.
- She never will.
- Still, at least I've got my nuts back.
- Yes, I did notice those.
- I'm a man again! And I want to sayI love you, Nels! - I really, really love you, cuz! - Oh, er Yeah.
Thanks, Marion.
I, umlove you too.
Where did you get the wheels, by the way? Oh, you knowI found 'em.
Mum! Mum! Mum Subs from DVD, with SubRip150b4 & Subtitle Edit 3.
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