PhoneShop (2009) s01e00 Episode Script

And you saw her.
Blud, she was finger-licking good.
Incredible.
We'll get her into some, like, sofa business.
You know how Ashley does.
You get me.
So what happened next? Two youths.
In the yard? She had two youths in the yard, man.
I'm serious! I'm Uncle Ashley, like read him a story.
F that.
I was like I ain't CIB'd.
Man, dash.
Bad news.
Doesn't look like Little Gary Patel's going to be back.
Been arrested.
Again.
What for, like, the usual? ABH, GBH, attempted kidnap.
The Catford Hat-trick.
Not them boys from Top Shop again.
Standard.
Yeah, the skinny jeans, waistcoats, the hair.
It's like a red rag to a bull.
Shame.
Terrific salesman.
Anyway, this is Christopher.
He's here on the infamous one-day trial.
Ooh, one-day trial.
One day trial.
Ooh! You don't carry a knife, do you? No.
No, nah, you don't look like you do.
Mind you, neither did Gary.
He had a crossbow hidden in the stock room for two years.
Was that his? Yeah, yeah.
I take it you'll be needing a new assistant manager then, Lance? Yeah.
Not you.
OK, any questions? Good.
Let's get on with it and remember, let's turn this into this.
Stop that, Lance, man.
I like you.
Come on.
Yeah, yeah, see you later.
Oh, Christopher, a quick word.
I just wanted to tell you something before the others do, because believe me, they will.
Um, I'm on various bits of medication for certain things that have gone wrong in my life.
I'm fine, you know, but one of the side effects of this is that I'm a Yeah.
It doesn't say it on the side of the box, you know, "possible side effects, wanking a lot.
" Fucking should.
Should do Cos that's what I do.
A lot.
Ah, good I've got the sex drive of an 18-year-old two 18-year-olds.
Wow! Imagine that.
Ah, yeah.
The company are very good about it.
They want to get me some treatment, but I don't want it.
No.
No, I love it.
Obviously, there's some places I can't do it, you know, the shop floor's a no-no.
Oh, God, no.
No, we're professional here.
But behind closed doors, different story.
My office, the staff toilets, I usually use trap two, these guys know that.
Um, or the disabled.
There's a lot more room in there, I can really spread out.
Oh And if you do come to my office I'll knock, don't come straight in.
Christ, no! Don't ever come straight in.
In fact, don't come to my office.
No, I won't.
Use the phone instead.
I've got a hands-free, so it's all good.
Uh, so, welcome, Christopher.
It's all right, I wear a glove.
I'm not an animal.
Ah, good.
I'll do the, er What I'm saying is, when it comes to dating shop girls, I will not accept anything girl below Zara standard, you understand me? Karen Millen, mmm.
Reiss.
Toni & Guy.
Ted Baker.
All good.
Premier League chicks.
What I ain't moving to is no Build A Bear Workshop gal, no matter how fit she is.
I can't do that.
That's where you're missing out.
Cos too many man are chasing them Zara level girls.
It's crowded up there, swear down.
You gotta get Academy on that shit.
Smart guys are scouting them lower league girls who are just about to step up to Zara level.
What you talking about? Lower leagues is where it's at.
Trust me! I'm talking about Claire's Accessories, New Look, Barretts.
F that.
All right, flip the script, get crazy on that shit.
When was the last time you went Mothercare? Seriously? If the girl has to wear a polo shirt to work, no matter how fit she is, I can't move to that.
Business.
Let's go Hello.
Um, I'm so clumsy.
Oh, thank you so much, that's so kind of you.
That's OK, darling.
Erm, can you tell me about? Janine, we got a Pay As You Go here.
Thank you.
Oh, boy, that's some council estate cutie right there.
I got all day long for that and all night, clearly.
Fam even if Kelly Brooks comes in here looking for Pay As You Go, she's going home on her own, innit? What? I'm a complex man.
Now, Janine, I would wife that for life.
Oh, printer says mmm.
Four out of ten, ah! Hiya, I'm Christopher.
What? Nah, you ain't Christopher.
You ain't earned the right to be called Christopher yet, bruv.
You've got to earn your name round here.
From now on, yeah, you're name is Newman.
You understand that, New-man.
When you make your first sale, yeah, and you man up, that's when you get your name back.
Yeah, when you make a little baby crayon mark on your first commission sheet, that's when you've earned the right to be called Christopher.
You understand that? So what's your name Newman? What's your name, Newman? Newman? Bravo, bravo.
Well done, well done.
Pleased to meet you, I'm Ashley.
Ashley, hi.
And I'm Jerwayne.
Jerwayne.
Oh Whoa, what you doing that for, blud? What? Because I'm black, I must do that? This is a racially mixed environment, yeah, be sensitive to that.
I am.
We did the handshake and then the tickle Whoa! Never point your fist at a black man.
I'm ashamed of you.
Is it this? What? Is this going to be a problem for you? Oh, God, no.
Oh, OK, we got a racist here.
You BNP, bruv? No, I'm not! I hate the BNP! Them too respectable for you now, Newman? Tufty.
Was this a shave? Was this a shave and now you've grown it out? OK.
What? I'm not a skinhead.
That's what they do now, innit, side partings and suits.
Keep it on low.
Like Griffin.
No, I'm not a racist.
I hate racists.
They're bloody wankers.
Have you been around black people? Do you know any black people? Have you got any black friends? Yes, I've got a black friend.
Who's your black friend, what's his name? Graham.
What? Black man Graham? Make an effort if you're gonna do all that.
Do you know what? You just got a verbal warning, and I ain't even the manager.
Do you understand what I'm saying to you? When is there ever a black man called Graham? It's like me telling you I've got a white friend called Feyonte.
You might have a white friend called Feyonte.
I'm not don't.
Please don't, I'm not a racist.
Please don't, please.
Stop talking seriously.
Shush.
Stop now.
What's done is done, done is done, fam.
Stop.
I'm not a racist.
God.
Ah! We're just playing with you.
You got Rio'd, innit? Man's got Merk'd.
We're just fucking with you, Newman.
That's how we do.
You'll have to excuse us.
People say we have a very dry sense of humour.
We roll out this kind of jester shit, like, all day long, son.
You'll get used to it.
Welcome, my brother.
We're family.
We're here to look after you.
It's like ebony and ivory here.
This is like Dawn and Lenny's house 24/7.
Oh, God, you scared the shit out of me.
Selling phones is scary sometimes.
I want this assistant manager's job, Lance.
Yeah? You owe me this, Lance.
I'm so much more that Pay As You Go.
I'm a motivated, dynamic, self-starter with a passion for retail and the core brand values.
We all are, Janine.
And, furthermore, if I may be allowed to continue, I'm used to providing a full range of key performance indicators in a customer-facing retail environment.
That's new.
That's very good.
Thanks! OK, well Let's see if you are assistant manager material.
A bloke walks up to the till.
How old is he? 45, same as me.
You don't look 45.
Yes, I do.
Grey suit.
Trousers too short.
Backpack instead of a briefcase.
Trainers? Sandals.
Did I say he was wearing a tie? No.
What sort of tie? Novelty? He's not wearing one.
What do you hit him with? High minutes, low text, 24-month wrap-up.
Raspberry Business Plan.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
He's not a businessman.
Rucksack, sandals, suit obvious.
He's New Media.
He wants unlimited internet access.
No, what he's after is 2 of fatty mince and a Barnsley chop.
The till he walked up to was in a butcher's.
Never assume, Janine.
Page one.
You're good.
I'm the best.
Teach me.
You can't teach this.
Oh, Christopher Yes.
If you see any customers in the kitchen, try and sell them one of these.
It's a mobile phone.
Yeah Sorry.
Why can't he do Pay As You Go? Because he's a graduate, Janine.
It'd be like getting Hugh Grant to sell caravans.
Look, Pay As You Go is the phone of the people, it's the people's phone.
Those people look up to you, they love you, you're one of them.
You are actually one of them.
You could be the Pay As You Go People's Princess, imagine that.
No, thank you.
I want responsibility.
I want to be the new Little Gary Patel.
I tell you what, how about you wear these for the day? You know how to work it, Lance.
Oh, yeah.
I won't let you down.
You can do the shutters tonight as well.
Hang on a minute.
No.
You won't be needing that one.
That's mine.
Special key.
To the vault.
Hello.
Sorry, I I wasn't looking at those.
That's not my cup of tea.
Although, can I get you one? You can do.
Right, erm, how do you take it? Guess.
Er, white, one sugar? Let's try it.
Same as me.
I'm Christopher, by the way.
I know who you are.
Or Newman as the lads like to call me in the What are we going to do, Christopher? Well, we're going to turn a this into a this.
What are we going to do about this? What? What? This.
36C, can we move on now? Yeah, yes.
I wasn't, you didn't I wasn't looking.
God, move, yes, sorry A little bird whose name rhymes with Smashley.
Ashley? I'm not saying.
Smashley tells me that I have a new secret admirer.
Really? Yes.
No, it's not me, I I can't give you a relationship, Christopher.
I'm married to the job.
I've got responsibilities.
I don't want a Shh! You won't change my mind.
I'll look out for you, Christopher, sure.
I've got your back.
Just don't go falling in love with me I am so not worth it.
Oh, fuck! OK.
We're going to go through a couple of scenarios to see what your personal selling method is, yeah.
No pressure though.
We're family.
How long was you in college for? Er, my MA was two years part-time.
Well, doctor, consider today like your BTEC National Diploma, right.
Let's go.
Customer.
Salesman.
Nah.
New Man.
I will observe.
Let's go.
Hello sir, can I help you? No thank you, I'm just looking.
That's that.
OK, OK.
Put your gun away.
What? Put your gun away.
What am I doing? Watch and learn, New Man.
What am I doing? I don't know.
That's right, I'm laying down some flowers on the pavement and a little card that says "Why?" Why? Cos that's where the sale just died, New Man.
No, I just didn't want to pressurise you.
What d'you mean you didn't want to pressurise? This is war, blood.
Everyday pressure.
This shopfloor is like a battlefield, this is Basra.
Merk the customer.
Slaughter.
Everyday merking.
Do you understand? You gotta be a soldier out on this retail battlefield, or are you going to be a little Ross Kemp, hiding round the corner in a blue hat? I'm not a Ross Kemp.
Yeah, we'll see.
Watch and learn, yeah? Cos you on a one-day trial you know.
Yeah I know, I know I'm on a one-day trial.
I'm trying.
I'm just Let's go.
How you doing today, sir? Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
What are you looking for your phone to do for you today, sir? Oh my gosh, I don't erm I didn't know I needed a new phone until he said that, yeah? You see how it's working? Close the prospect down, Newms, limiting his options.
What phone do you have at the moment, sir? May I have a look? Whoa, whoa, what is this? A man like you can't be rocking a phone like this.
He's making me feel bad for the phone.
He is making me feel like I got a small dick.
Brackets, Ashley hasn't.
It's brutal.
Serious.
Ask about.
How much are you paying a month for this phone, sir? Er, like 50.
What! Whoa, whoop! Whoa 50 a month for this? Who would do that to you? OK, now not only have I got a small dick but I'm a hidiot.
Mug.
You know what, I like you.
You seem like a nice guy.
I'm gonna help you today, sir.
OK.
By now I like this guy.
Look at him, he's handsome.
He's like Denzel.
This is what's happening, he's making me feel like I could represent like this.
You see this phone, sir, this is a limited edition.
Not many people have this phone.
Jay-Z's got this phone.
Now any one of these phones, but Jay-Z's got this phone.
Oh my God, Jay-Z's awesome.
Kanye West has got this phone.
Halleluiah.
These people have got big dicks.
You're having urban credibility conferred upon you simply by owning this handset.
This is foreplay, New Man.
I've just wetted this man up and he wants it.
What am I going to do next? Sell him the phone.
No, I'm going to fuck him, New Man.
What? But not the way that you might like to.
I'm gonna rinse this mug up with tightest, shittiest contract known to mankind.
Kerching, high monthly payment.
Kerchash, low monthly minutes.
Kerchush, minimum free texts.
All wrapped up in a 24-month watertight gimp mask of a contract.
Do you understand this? Do you feel this? This is how we do.
This is how you are going to come to do.
Your father will finally be proud of you.
Your family, they see you as a man for the first time.
New Man, you're going live.
Right, you got Taliban on the ridge, New Man.
Man up or Kemp down.
I'm not Kemp.
Hello there, how you doing today, sir? Yeah, I'm all right I suppose.
Excellent.
Um, what is it you're looking for your phone to do for you today, sir? Make calls.
Good one.
Yeah, that's What phone have you got at the moment, sir? Could I have a look, please? Oh noo You do not want to be rockin' a phone like dis.
What's wrong with it? Well, there's nothing wrong with it, actually.
It's a quite good phone.
What are you getting rid of that for? You mug.
It's two years old.
I want the new one.
I mean, you do know there's a new one, don't you? Yeah, it's a wicked phone.
Aw What a fuckin' liberty, eh? What is? What's a fuckin' liberty? All the tat the other shops are selling.
Fucking liberty takers.
I dunno.
Sorry, can I start again? You do him.
Mug! For the beautiful lady.
There you go.
OK, have a nice time enjoying the rest of your day today, please, sir.
Safe.
Kerching.
Wha.
Yes? Hi, I just wondered if you needed any help.
If I wanted any help, I would have asked you, wouldn't I? Yes.
Have I asked you? No.
So you both start in Zara on Monday, that's good, good news.
And I think if Jade was still with us, this is the phone she would have chosen.
It's beautiful.
I know.
I've been caught, haven't I? Well, you're lucky it's me and not some bloody pervert.
Nice though.
A friend of mine knows a brother in New York knows Jay-Z who told me Jay-Z just got this handset.
I like Jay-Z.
Serious phone.
No, Rodney, not yet.
Let's talk about what kind of insurance package Jay-Z might have.
I hear from a very good friend Jay-Z has got this phone.
What's the matter with your voice? Caught that.
What's the matter, you giving up? No.
Listen, all you gotta do, yeah, to join Club Cheddar is sell one phone today and you're in, you get me? Yeah, I know.
Get your mate to come in, sell them the phone, then they cancel the contract the week after, yeah? You get the commission and you keep your job.
Get your girlfriend to come in.
Listen, keep that on the low though, yeah? Yeah, nice one.
We ain't there yet, bruv.
We ain't there yet.
OK.
I know you've already got a phone.
I realise that's what I'm speaking to you on.
But you know, having two phones would be cool.
You'll be like a drug dealer.
No, that was a joke, you mug.
Nothing.
Sorry.
Is Dad there? So, when you going to let me take you to a town called Fuck? Maybe when you move out of a house called Mum's.
I told you, that's just temporary.
For 29 years? What you frontin' for? Man's taking care of business, innit? What kind of business is that, Jerwayne? Pure business, you understan'? Man's business.
And are you filing records at Companies House for this "man's business"? Look, Janine, I know you're vexed cos you're on the wrong side of the sales fence.
No-one likes the taste of free school dinners.
Tell you what, Jerwayne, next customer that comes through those doors, you close them and I will take you out for piri piri chicken, but there'll be no touching.
I close them, which I will, and you take Pay As You Go for a week.
Deal.
On the condition that when I take you out you leave the Rohypnol at home.
Ho ho, excuse me! I just made myself laugh there.
So I do like 600 of these morning, bust a few off at lunch, get back, another 600, then plus up on some Morley's chicken.
Middle-aged white woman, C2DE was pay as you go, now looking for her first contract.
No idea what she wants.
My territory, and this is my sale.
Hi.
Yeah.
Bitch! Oh, er, sorry to interrupt.
I just thought I should probably let you know that well I don't really feel like I'm cut out for this, so Well, very good of you to let me know, Christopher.
To be fair, you had incredibly big shoes to fill.
I mean that metaphorically.
Little Gary Patel only took a 6.
Tiny feet for such a terrible temper.
But, well done.
And if it's any consolation, I'd have taken you on.
I think you're a good lad.
All the best.
I'll let you get on.
Oh, I'm finished.
Good.
Thank you Jesus.
S'up brer.
Just about to close up shop, but I always keep the door open for a brother.
So what man needs a piece to trap the girl dem with? Move to the girl, dem move dem swif.
Shove up dem girl in dem penthouse lift.
Black, white, Chinese, Asian chicks.
Sorry? How's your day going today, sir? Yeah, good.
I'm here to see Chris.
Said he'd fix me up with a phone.
Is he about? Yeah, I'll just Graham? Yeah.
Black man Graham.
Yeah! Here we are.
Well, we thought you were shit.
Turns out he's not quite as shit as we thought.
To the New Man.
New Man.
No, I'm Christopher now, cos I put the crayon mark on the commission sheet.
Nah, nah, nah.
You're still New Man till we get a new New Man.
Then you'll be the old New Man but you'll still be a New Man, you get me.
Oh, come on, that's not fair.
Heyyyy! It's the Zara rookies.
Happy Christmas to Ashley.
Bruv, where you going? I gotta meet these girls, yeah? Yeah.
Well, this ain't a meeting.
This is a me-ting.
How about us making this a we-ting? I'm going in, watch me closely.
Ashley.
Photos.
So, you got a girlfriend? No, I haven't.
Have to do something about that.
We run t'ings!