You Rang, M'Lord? (1988) s01e00 Episode Script
Pilot
1 From Mayfair to Park Lane You will hear this same refrain In every house again, again You rang, m'lord? Stepping out on the town The social whirl goes round and round The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? The Bunny Hug at the Shim Sham Club The Charleston at The Ritz #And at the Troc do the Turkey Trot They give Aunt Maude a thousand fits Saucy flappers in cloche hats Natty chappies in white spats The upper set is going bats You rang, m'lord? (Gunfire) Where are you going, Alf? We're supposed to be going forward.
-Well, I'm going backwards.
-Why? Because I'm a coward.
Well, we could be shot for desertion.
Well, go on.
Be a hero.
I'm not stopping you.
Well, I'm going to do my duty.
I'm going forward.
What's the matter? I'll give it a few more minutes then I'll go forward.
-It's getting a bit hot.
-Yes.
We can't stay here.
The Jerry guns have got these buildings marked.
Come on.
Is he dead, Alf? Is it going? No, but his watch is.
-What are you doing? -He'll not need this where he's gone.
He'll either need a harp or a fire extinguisher.
You're robbing the dead.
You're robbing the dead! If I don't, somebody else will.
I'm having that ring and all.
Look at that stone.
It must be worth hundreds.
It won't come off his finger.
Lend me your penknife.
(Retching) What's the matter with you? Have you eaten something that didn't agree with you? -I'll use my bayonet.
-You're not doing anything more to him.
What's the matter with you? I'm only going to get the stone out.
You disgust me.
I'd rather die than skulk in this shallow with you, Alf Stokes.
I'm gonna do my duty.
I'm going forward.
Goodbye.
Are you going to do much more of that? Because if not, I've got an idea how we can get out of this.
We're going back.
-But we'll be shot as deserters.
-Will you listen for a minute? You and I are going to carry this poor, wounded officer back to the field hospital.
-But he's dead.
-He's not gone cold yet.
You're not a medical man, Jim Twelvetrees.
Anyone can make a mistake.
(Groaning) Hey, wait a minute, Alf.
I think he's still alive.
You're right.
Come on.
-What? Are you going to carry him on your back? -Yes.
If there's any bullets flying about, he'll get them first.
Excuse me, Captain Meldrum? Captain Meldrum? Excuse me, but there are two tommies outside who say you sent for them.
-What are their names? -Private Stokes and Twelvetrees.
Yes.
They saved my life.
Show them in.
Thanks, mate.
I'm surprised you've got the nerve to show your face, Alf Stokes.
I saved his life, didn't I? -The Captain will see you now.
-Well, thank you.
Over here, chaps.
Don't salute me.
I haven't got a hat on.
Stand at ease.
I just want you to know you've both behaved like absolute bricks.
-What did he say? -Bricks.
Oh, thank you, sir.
If it hadn't been for you two, God knows what would have happened to me.
As it was, some rotter stole my watch and emerald.
Yes, there's a lot of rogues about, sir.
Riffraff I call them.
You're right.
Lucky they didn't cut my finger off to get the ring.
-I wouldn't put it past them, sir.
-As it was, they've pinched the emerald.
Anyhow, I want you chaps to know I owe you both a debt I can never repay.
If there's ever anything I can do for you, you've only got to call on me.
The one thing this war has done is to bring us together.
All classes sharing the same dangers and hardships.
-What is it, sister? -Bad news I'm afraid, Captain Meldrum.
-Is it Lieutenant Bertie in the bottom bed? -No.
It's the ice.
There isn't any.
You mean my 1 1 :00 glass of champagne will be at room temperature? I'm afraid so.
It's a damn shame.
-Where was I? -Sharing the same hardship, sir.
Yes.
Well, I'm proud to shake you by the hand.
Sir.
-You're damn good eggs.
-You're a gentleman, sir.
That's all.
Dismissed.
-Damn, damn, damn.
-What's the matter? Didn't you see that great, big gold signet ring on his right hand? -How could I have missed it? -You disgust me.
When we get back to Blighty, I never want to see you again.
Does that mean when I flog the stone, you don't want your half share? Go before I strike you.
Suit yourself.
I say, Private, would you mind taking Captain Meldrum his glass of champagne? We've got a bit of a rush on.
They've just started the Battle of Amiens.
Excuse me, sir.
Your champagne.
Excuse me, sir.
Ahem.
Excuse me, sir.
-Your early morning tea.
-Thank you.
Thank you, Twelvetrees.
Oh, any news of Chesterton? He passed away during the night, sir.
Oh, dear.
He was a damn fine butler.
He was indeed, sir.
We must find someone to replace him quickly.
I was thinking, sir.
I wonder if I might be considered for the post.
Well, it's not up to me.
It's for my brother to decide.
I wonder if I might be so bold as to ask you to put in a good word for me to His Lordship, sir? Very well, I'll bring it up at breakfast.
No, no, Teddy.
Twelvetrees is far too young.
What do you think, Lavender? He's only been with us nine years.
Well, he did save my life during the war.
Saving people's lives is not necessarily a qualification for being a good butler.
Good morning, Daddy.
-Morning, Grandmother.
-Good morning, my dear.
Morning, family.
-You were out late last night, Poppy.
-Yes.
Jerry took me to see Jesse Matthews in One Damn Thing After Another.
Now don't use that language at the breakfast table, Poppy.
-It's the new Cocky show.
-Cocky? CB Cochrane, Grandmother.
And afterwards, we went on to the Kit-Cat Club.
Absolutely divine.
I just adore the Kit-Cat Club.
Hutch was doing the cabaret.
He's got a super voice.
All the women are absolutely crazy about him.
Well, I hate the place.
My chum Penelope had the most frightful row with the head waiter.
He said it was against house rules for girls to dance together.
Doesn't bother me.
I don't want to dance with girls.
Well, I don't want to dance with girls all the time.
Just my chum Penelope.
I suppose you've heard Chesterton kicked the bucket.
Yes.
Rotten luck.
Such a good butler.
Teddy wants to give the post to Twelvetrees.
What do you think? I think he's absolutely scrumptious.
You think anything in trousers is scrumptious.
No, no.
He's definitely not right.
I'll get on to the agency.
Somewhere or other, there's bound to be the right type of honest, reliable man.
I wanted a new horse.
There was a whole lot of them in a row.
I got on one critter and he fell down.
I got on another critter and he fell down.
I said to the guy who was selling them, ''I'll take the one on the end.
'' He said, ''Don't take that one or they'll all fall down.
'' For this next trick, I should need the help of my beautiful assistant, Pocahontas.
(Drums beating) (Drum roll) I'm not having that balloon on my bum anymore.
-All right.
We'll go back to the knives.
-Oh, no, Dad.
Not the knives.
They only took the stitches out me ear last week.
All right, then, the hatchets.
It's a wonderful finish.
Dad, how can you put your own daughter in mortal danger night after night? It's only for a few more weeks, love, till Myrtle comes out the infirmary.
-She's not coming back.
-What do you mean? She told me last week when I took her the calf's foot jelly.
She's finished.
And I'm finished, too.
I never thought a daughter of mine would turn out a coward.
-I am not a coward.
-Then what are you afraid of? It's like we used to say in the war, ''If a bullet's got your name on it, there's nothing you can do about it.
'' Well, it has got my name on it.
Stokes.
-I just put that on for identification.
-How does the hatchet know? Oh, let's face it, Dad.
It's an awful act.
Why don't you go back to your old job? Because I was fed up waiting hand and foot on them toffs.
Well, Mum said you were good at it and you'd still be doing it if it weren't for them silver fish knives.
They never used them.
They were vegetarians.
-Hello, Mr Challon, want a drink? -No, thank you.
We'll have one in the bar before I go on for the second house.
You won't be going on for the second house.
I saw your first house.
You've got a dreadful act.
Well, now, be fair.
It was only first house Monday.
There were only 20 people in.
Yes, and when you'd finished, there were only 1 0.
Right, I'm paying you off.
Head office has cancelled the rest of your dates.
Here's 1 0 bob.
Consider yourself lucky.
-Mr Challon.
-Hm? How would it be if we finished with the hatchets? -No.
-But you'll be an act short.
No, I won't.
I'm putting in Joe McVitty and his educated poodles.
Well, now I've heard everything.
Fancy being replaced by a pack of poodles.
-What are we going to do, Dad? -Well, that'll not get us very far.
Here, you have it.
No, it's all right.
I've got a sovereign sewn up in my petticoat.
No, you have it, love.
Here, go on.
I'll sell the hatchets.
Look you'd better go back to your mother.
What are you going to do? Go back to being a butler.
You'll never get a reference off Sir Richard after that business with the silver fish knives.
Yes, I will.
I know about him and the gardener's boy.
Why? What happened with the gardener's boy? Never you mind, Ivy.
There are dark deeds that men do that have no place in the mind of an innocent girl.
Fancy.
Will you clear the room as quick as you can? Joe McVitty wants it for his educated poodles.
They can't be that educated or they wouldn't come to a dump like this.
I'm going to miss you, Dad.
-In spite of the hatchets and knives.
-Yes.
I'm going to miss you, love.
You're a great kid.
-We've always got on, haven't we? -Yes.
Two of a kind.
-When am I going to see you again? -Wait.
Come on.
Now listen.
As soon as I get fixed up, I'm going to send for you.
And I promise.
Get out of it.
Get out.
Get out of it.
You should have the situation, James.
We don't want strangers in the house.
Go up and ask if you can see His Lordship when he's finished talking to young Maggie.
I couldn't do that, Mrs Lipton.
I know my place.
My time will come when the good Lord wills it.
Do you mean the good lord upstairs in the drawing room or the good Lord on high? Be quiet, Henry.
And stop spitting out arrowroot crumbs all over my clean table.
Maggie just scrubbed it.
I wonder if I might trouble you for another cup of your most excellent tea, Mrs Lipton? Yes, of course, James.
I always say you make the best cup of tea in London.
-Don't I always say that, Henry? -Yes, you always say that, Mr Twelvetrees.
If you spit out any more crumbs, I shall box your ears.
Sorry.
You did it again.
Maggie is a long time upstairs.
I wonder what's going to happen.
Least said, soonest mended.
-She's been crying a lot.
-Hold your tongue.
-And she's been sick a lot.
-I won't tell you again.
-Shall I go? -No, Henry, you do not answer the door.
Not even in the servants' quarters do you answer the door.
Mr Twelvetrees answers the door.
Isn't that right, James? Quite right, Mrs Lipton.
I answer the door.
-What happens when he's not here? -Hold your tongue.
(Knocking on door) If you don't answer that door soon, they'll go away.
Mr Twelvetrees will not answer the door until he is correctly attired.
-Isn't that right, James? -Quite correct, Mrs Lipton.
You've got a lot to learn, Henry.
Ah! Good afternoon.
I have been requested to attend this address by ''The Mrs Edwards Domestic Agency ''in connection with the vacant situation of butler.
'' Stokes is the name.
-You! -Jim Twelvetrees as I live and breathe! You're not coming in.
If you don't leave at once, I shall summon the police.
Oh, yeah? What will the charge be? Desertion in the face of the enemy? Robbing a wounded officer? You could be a witness.
After all, you were there.
You helped.
-Well, I was an innocent victim of your villainy.
-That's as may be.
But it's your word against mine.
I'm coming in.
Good afternoon, all! This is my lucky day.
A pot of tea on the table and a beautiful woman at the stove.
And meeting up with an old army pal I served with during the war.
Oh, what a lovely surprise, Mr Twelvetrees! Yes, he's speechless with delight.
And can you wonder? We saved each other's lives.
What? Both at the same time? Hold your tongue.
I'm ruined.
Disgraced.
How can I face my dad now? A fallen woman.
And he pulled me down.
What am I going to do about the baby? He took advantage of me.
And him being a ''Honourable'' as well.
Yes, well, it is rather a contradiction in terms.
Our solicitors have been instructed to look after you and I promise you will want for nothing.
-My baby wants a daddy.
-Yes, well, we can't help with that, I'm afraid.
Now, you come along, go downstairs, get Mrs Lipton to give you a nice cup of tea and a piece of cherry cake, and then pack your bags and go.
And here is P5 to be getting on with.
You silly arse, Teddy! You'll ruin me.
This is the fifth settlement I've had to make in the past nine years.
Not only that, we've lost some damn good maids.
-I'm most awfully sorry.
-Well, I don't understand it.
There are so many damned attractive girls of your own sort hanging about.
You could have the pick of society.
Not to mention chorus girls.
-Why do you go in for servants? -I don't know.
It just comes over me.
I find myself creeping up the attic stairs, my heart pounding.
Then I push open the door and there's the smell of carbolic soap mixed with cheap perfume.
Then there's the coarse sheets and the feel of the rough nightgown Steady on, Teddy.
You'd better have a whisky or something.
-You never used to be like this.
-It was the war.
Well, I was in the war.
We were all in the war.
We didn't go charging off after servant girls.
There wouldn't be any left.
(Knocking on door) Come in.
-Excuse me, m'lord.
-Yes, what is it, James? There's a person to see you regarding the vacant situation.
-Is he from the agency? -Yes, m'lord.
The Honourable Edward knows him well.
Good God, Teddy! You haven't been creeping up any other attic stairs, have you? -Certainly not.
-All right.
Show him in.
Mr Alfred Stokes.
Good afternoon, m'lord.
Good afternoon, sir.
Good heavens! Private Stokes! -This man saved my life.
-I thought you said James saved your life.
-Yes, he did.
-How many times have you had your life saved? Only once.
-By two people? -That's right.
I see.
Well, in that case, you've got the job.
Provided your references are all right.
This is from my last employer, m'lord.
Good heavens! It's old Richard.
We were at Eton together for a while.
-Was he expelled? -Yes.
-The usual? -Yes.
They were trying to stamp it out.
-Did they succeed? -No.
Well, let me see.
''Trustworthy.
Reliable.
Industrious and honest.
'' Well, you couldn't have had a better reference had you dictated it yourself.
-Thank you, sir.
-That seems to be in order.
-Can you start straightaway? -Of course, m'lord.
All right, James.
That'll be all.
Thank you.
Now, Teddy, I wonder if you'd leave us alone for a moment.
Yes, of course.
Oh, and thanks once more for saving my life.
Well, Stokes, I hope you'll be very happy with us.
-Thank you, m'lord.
-James will show you around.
And I will go over the silver with you tomorrow morning after breakfast.
I shall look forward to it, m'lord.
Now your first job will be to engage your new parlour maid.
A new parlour maid? Shouldn't be much of a problem, m'lord.
There's plenty of those about.
Yes, but she also has to look after the ladies of the house.
Well, naturally.
For a reason I won't go into, I don't want anyone too pretty.
-Indeed.
-Indeed.
-I want somebody plain and ordinary.
-Plain and ordinary? Leave it to me, m'lord.
I know the very girl.
Can I help you, little girl? -I've got to go to number 1 2.
-That's Lord Meldrum's residence.
-The tradesman's entrance is this way.
-Thank you.
Those two girls have been waiting upstairs for nearly an hour.
They shouldn't be here.
His Lordship asked me to get a maid and I've sent for one.
-They're very pretty.
-How did they get here? The Honourable Teddy rang the agency off his own bat.
I heard him in the hall.
Well, with respect, I think it undermines your authority, Mr Stokes.
But them as pays the piper is entitled to call the tune.
If you ask me, they're far too pretty.
I know why His Lordship wanted a plain one.
It's nothing to do with you, Henry.
My dad always used to say, ''Men don't makes passes at girls with fat arses.
'' (Bell ringing) I shan't tell you again.
-The tradesman's entrance.
-We can all read, Henry.
-Hello, Dad.
-Hello, love.
Look, don't call me that.
They mustn't know you're my daughter.
Take your mother's name.
-From now on, you're Ivy Teasdale.
Come in.
-Sorry I'm late.
We were shoved in a siding while the Royal train went by.
Well, hurry and tidy yourself up.
I'm going to take you straight up to see His Lordship.
-Oh.
-Come on, let me do that.
Now, Teddy, about this dinner party tonight.
Your partner is Madge Cartwright.
Madge Cartwright? Is that the best you could do? Unless you'd prefer me to invite the parlour maid from number 1 0 for you? That's a rotten thing to say.
Well, I'm sorry.
But you are a bit of a problem with this proclivity you have for certain girls.
-Yes, but Madge Cartwright.
-Well, she was a deb.
She came out in 1 903.
Yes, well, from what I hear, she still has a lot of go in her.
Jerry will be Poppy's partner.
-What are you doing about Cissy? -I've invited Squiffy Withers.
That terrible chappie from the guards? He never says anything.
He just goes (Imitating Squiffy laughing) Well, I'm sorry.
I'm getting desperate.
I've got to get Cissy off with somebody.
All she does is go round with girls.
If you ask me, she's a bit of a tomboy.
Strange, men don't seem to go for her very much.
Maybe it's her short hair, monocle and trousers.
-I do wish she'd wear a pretty frock.
-Yes, I mean, Penelope, that friend of hers does.
Who's your partner? Agatha.
Agatha? That's still going on, is it? I suppose after dinner, she'll suddenly be taken ill and will have to stay the night and you'll be creeping along the passage to check her pulse.
It's nothing to do with you, Teddy.
-And where is Sir Ralph? -He is climbing an alp.
You are playing with fire there, George.
If Sir Ralph ever finds out (Knocking on door) Come in.
There are three girls waiting in the hall for you to interview them for the position of maid, m'lord.
Why three? I thought you said you knew somebody suitable, somebody plain and homely.
The agency was advised of our requirements by someone else in the household, m'lord.
Are the other two pretty? In a common sort of way, sir.
Teddy! Better see them while they are here.
It's awfully bad form otherwise.
-All right, send them in.
-Very good, m'lord.
Amy Pratt.
Bella Sidebottom.
-Dad! -Don't call me that! Oh, sorry.
Them two has been in service, I haven't.
-They're bound to get the job.
-Don't worry about it.
-But they've got references.
-So have you.
I'm sorry.
Neither of you is suitable.
Now you go downstairs and get Mrs Lipton to give you a nice cup of tea and a piece of cherry cake and then, go.
And here is half a crown each for your services.
They were beautiful.
Amy with her shiny face, Bella with her chapped hands.
I can see them now, doing the washing up, dusting, bristling the carpet and scrubbing.
Holystoning the front step.
We could've employed them both, but you send them away.
I shall never see them again.
For goodness sake, pull yourself together.
If this goes on much longer, we'll have to get you treatment.
(Knocking on door) Come in.
Ivy Teasdale, m'lord.
My dear, Stokes speaks very highly of you.
Very fine references, sir.
-Lady Manners thinks very well of you.
-Who? -Lady Manners, your last employer.
-Oh, her.
-Pay attention, girl.
-Sorry, Mr Stokes.
Now, let me see.
Ironing, seamstress, crochet, embroidery, petit point, grate blacking.
Yes, I think you'll find she's a treasure, sir.
Yes, I think so, too.
Don't you, Teddy? I've absolutely no idea.
Yes, well, you can start straightaway.
-P1 a week and two afternoons off a month.
-That's very generous of you, m'lord.
-Thank His Lordship, Ivy.
-Thank you for you generosity, m'lord.
And no followers.
-What are they? -I know she hasn't any, sir.
As you can see, she's a very simple girl.
Indeed.
Stokes.
I asked you to get me a plain girl.
-Isn't she plain enough, sir? -More than plain enough.
-You've done very well.
-Thank you, sir.
It may have seemed a somewhat strange request, but there are certain members of our household who upon seeing a pretty girl, get sort of inflamed.
Oh, she won't inflame anyone, sir.
No.
-It was the damn war, you know.
-Yes, it affected us all, m'lord.
But I think we're safe with her.
Yes, I'm sure we are.
-Right, Ivy, you may go.
-Very good, m'lord.
Beautiful! You're wonderful! With your shiny, scrubbed face and those glasses with the thumbprints on them Give over! Oh, hang! I've done all the flowers upstairs, Mrs Lipton.
Oh, how lucky they are having you in the household, James.
You've taken on all the little tasks that are normally only in the province of a gentlewoman, ever since her dear ladyship passed away.
God rest her dear soul, Mrs Lipton.
It must be awful for His Lordship to lie abed night after night without the comfort of a good woman beside him.
Why, is Lady Agatha a bad woman, then? Oh, you found a uniform that fitted you then, Ivy? There's dozens up there.
Well, we've had lots of maids coming and going.
Mostly going.
Why? Yes, well, you look very nice, Ivy.
Mr Stokes wants to see you in the dining room.
Oh, righto.
You think we ought to warn her, Mrs Lipton? Least said, soonest mended, James.
When the household falls quiet in the dead of night, may her guardian angel watch over her innocent soul.
# I took one look at you # That's all I meant to do # And then my heart stood still # When the red, red robin comes bob, bob, bobbing along Along How do I look, Dad? Sorry, I mean, Mr Stokes.
-You look champion.
-Bit of a change from me Red Indian outfits.
Well, they won't throw knives at you.
-Dad.
-What? I'm a bit worried.
-What about? -You know that funny one? -What funny one? -The one with the eyeglass.
Oh, that's His Lordship's brother, the Honourable Teddy.
That's the one whose life I saved during the war.
He tried to take advantage of me.
-Where? -In the hall.
People don't take advantage of people in halls.
It's all in your imagination, Ivy.
It's not.
He said I was beautiful with me shining, scrubbed face and glasses with thumbprints on.
Now, listen, our Ivy.
You and I have got a good job here for as long as it suits us.
So just keep out of his way.
If he tries to do more than grab you in the hall, let me know.
I don't think I'm cut out to be a maid.
I feel terrible, like a fish out of water.
-Will they expect me to wait on table tonight? -Yes, but don't worry about it.
I'm going to show you what to do.
That's why I sent for you.
-Don't the table look a picture? -Yes.
All that silver.
-You haven't pinched any, have you? -Shut up.
Look at these knives and forks.
How do they know which to eat what with? It doesn't concern you.
You won't be eating.
I'll make it very simple.
All you've got to do tonight is to take round the vegetables.
Now then, His Lordship will be sitting at the head of the table.
Lady Agatha will be sitting on his right hand.
And you always serve from the left.
-I'm left-handed.
Do I serve from the right? -No.
His Lordship will carve the meat and Jim will take the plates round.
All you've got to do is serve the vegetables.
Now then, here's the first dish.
-Why are you serving ping pong balls? -It's just to show you.
I robbed the games room.
These are the Brussel sprouts.
Look, you grasp the fork and spoon so, and then you say, ''Excuse me, m'lady.
Would you care for some Brussel sprouts?'' Excuse me, m'lady.
Would you care for some Brussel sprouts? And then, of course, you put them on the plate.
So.
Simple.
You do it.
Come on, grasp the fork and spoon.
Go on.
Excuse me, m'lady.
Would you care for some Brussel sprouts? Pick them up! -They're so light! -You can be very clumsy at times, our Ivy.
What about you? Who was it that sliced Myrtle's ear in half? She flinched and the band were playing the wrong music.
Oh, ping pong balls are nothing like sprouts.
Look, just serve the potatoes.
And snooker balls are nothing like potatoes.
-What do you say? -Thank you.
No! To her ladyship! Excuse me, m'lady.
Would you care for some Brussel sprouts? -Potatoes! -Oh, I mean, potatoes.
-What happens if she says no? -Then don't give her any! Just get on with it! And don't rush it! Take it very slowly.
Excuse me, m'lady.
Would you care for some potatoes? Yes! Steady.
Steady.
Steady.
(Plate cracks) Now look what you've done! Do you think they'll notice? Yes! The food will fall right through the middle.
Right, that's it.
Give it here.
You do not serve the vegetables tonight.
Jim will do it.
I thought you said he was serving the meat.
Leave it to me.
Go upstairs and put a bandage on your finger and pretend you've cut it so you can only use one hand.
Just take the meat round and clear the empty plates.
And you serve from the left and clear from the right.
Got it? Serve from the left.
Clear from the right.
Right.
Now go upstairs and put a bandage on your finger.
You've cut it.
-Yes, Dad.
-Oh, and Ivy.
You don't really have to cut your finger.
I wasn't going to.
I'm not daft, you know.
Oh, Ivy, Mrs Lipton wants you in the kitchen.
I can't come now.
I've got to go upstairs and cut me finger.
-What's the matter with her? -She means she's cut her finger.
She's got to go upstairs and put a bandage on it.
She won't be able to serve the vegetables tonight.
You're doing it.
I haven't served the vegetables for five years.
I always serve the meat.
Well, you're not serving it tonight.
Ivy's doing it.
Now, you listen to me, Alf Stokes.
I've had a hard struggle to attain my present station in life and I do not intend to take a step down the ladder because of some chit of a servant girl.
Don't you call our Ivy a chit! What do you mean, ''our Ivy''? Well, she's part of the household, isn't she? -Well, you can serve the vegetables yourself.
-What and leave you to serve the wine? -What sort of a man do you think I am? -I'll tell you.
You're the sort of man who robs a wounded officer.
You're up to something, Alf Stokes, and I'm watching you.
Very well, James Twelvetrees, you can watch me while you're serving the vegetables.
I'll be here at 1 1 :00, sir.
(Chuckling) Good evening, Your Ladyship.
His Lordship is in the drawing room.
Thank you, Twelvetrees.
-They're all here, Mrs Lipton.
-Right.
Now then, Ivy, I want you to take this tray up to Lady Lavender right away.
-Who is that? -Her Late Ladyship's mother.
-Isn't she coming down to dinner? -No, she's not well.
Oh, poor soul! -Was it something she ate? -No, it was something she drank.
Come in.
Good evening, Lady Lavender.
My name is Ivy.
Are you going to have a baby? I'm the new maid.
I arrived this morning.
Oh, in that case, you can't be.
There wouldn't have been time.
Put it over here, girl.
-What did you say your name was? -Ivy.
What a dreadful name.
I shall call you Ethel.
Here's your supper.
I can't stop.
I've got to go and help with the dinner downstairs.
Now, don't eat the flower, will you? Ta-ra.
-Ethel.
-Yes, m'lady.
I don't like macaroni cheese.
And I don't like scrambled eggs.
And I don't like cocoa.
What about the bread and butter pudding? -Dinner is served, m'lord.
-Thank you, Stokes.
Stokes is stoking the inner man.
(Squiffy laughing) Teddy, lead the way, will you, please? You're here, Squiffy.
Next to Cissy.
Where have you been? Look at the mess you're in.
Lady Lavender chucked her supper at me, cocoa and all.
It was like being back in the act.
-Why didn't you dodge? -'Cause you always taught me not to flinch.
Go upstairs and get changed quickly.
And don't forget.
I told you to put a bandage on your finger.
-Sorry, I forgot.
-Well, do it now.
Soup coming up, James.
-Haul away, Henry.
-Yes, Mrs Lipton.
Evening all.
Any grub going? Well, you'll have to wait.
I'll give you a cut off the joint later.
What more could anyone ask, Mrs Lipton? Where's that girl? She should be here to serve the rolls.
-Who's going to serve the rolls? -You are.
I don't serve the rolls.
The maid serves the rolls.
I never serve the rolls.
You're serving them tonight.
You've got a ping pong ball in your soup, Squiffy.
At most dinner parties, they serve croutons.
Allow me, sir.
Stokes, where did that ping pong ball come from? It must have been young Henry, m'lord, when he was doing the grate blacking.
I'll box his ears.
-Give him an extra one from me.
-M'lord.
That looks a picture, Mrs Lipton.
I hope His Lordship and his guests don't consume an excess amount.
Oh, don't you worry, Constable Wilson.
This is for us.
I took out the fillet.
Very wise.
Makes it easier for His Lordship to carve.
-That's what I always say, don't I, Henry? -Yes, Mrs Lipton, that's what you always say.
Leave it alone, Henry.
I was damn scared, I can tell you.
There was this mob of miners coming down Whitehall.
I was on patrol with my polo team and things looked pretty desperate.
I thought, ''We've got to separate them.
'' So we charged and knocked hell out of them with our polo mallets.
I don't mind telling you, those miners looked pretty ugly.
Miners usually are.
Well, I don't think there'll ever be another general strike.
The workers have learnt their lesson.
I drove a bus.
When we got in amongst them, I biffed one of the miners over the head with my polo mallet.
He fell down in front of my pony and made it shy.
Then another bounder poked my pony with the sharp end of the banner pole.
What sort of person would do that to a dumb animal? Striking miners.
AGATHA: Yes.
Well, there's only one way to treat those sort of people.
Call the troops out.
Read the riot act, and if they don't shift, open fire.
I drove a bus.
Well, it was damn dangerous.
Well, I think the government treated the strikers disgracefully.
Look, I will not have any of your damn bolshie talk at my dinner table.
Absolute piffle.
Pure mashed potatoes.
You just can't trust those damn Reds.
Look what they did to the tsar in Russia.
Shot him in the basement.
I mean, how can you mix with people like that? You must admit, Daddy, those miners didn't get very much money.
Nonsense, they got free coal.
Plenty of charities handing out parcels of groceries.
My sympathy goes out to the police.
All they had were their truncheons.
Well, Stokes, I don't suppose you'd ever go on strike? No, no, m'lord.
We know our place.
I nearly got the dish of Brussel sprouts and shoved them right in his snooty face.
Come the revolution, I'll be up there at that table and he'll be down here.
-You're talking like a bolshie, Mr Stokes.
-He always did.
As a constable in the Metropolitan Police, I cannot sit here and listen to talk of Red revolution.
I wouldn't mind some more of those excellent sprouts, Mrs Lipton.
Oh, you don't want these.
They're from upstairs.
I've got some fresh ones.
Do I see a drop more wine in the decanter, Mr Stokes? Yes, help yourself.
I've got two bottles.
-He pinched them from the cellar.
-How dare you, James? I opened them for the party.
They were excess to requirements.
His Lordship does not wish to drink stale wine.
Are you suggesting I should pour it down the sink? I'm sure His Lordship wouldn't want that.
-Well, I'm not having any.
It's tainted.
-Tainted? Chateau Lafite '99? Perish the thought.
-And will there be a nice drop of port to follow? -Oh, I expect so.
Leave it to me, Mrs Lipton.
Well, Ivy, how have you enjoyed your first day with us, then? It's been lovely.
I think I'm going to be very happy here.
They're a lovely family.
So friendly.
That daughter, the one with the eyeglass, winked at me.
Twice.
Ivy, take my advice.
Don't get too friendly with her.
Why not? Because servants should know their place.
Oh, I see.
Well, I was bit worried about the Honourable Edward, but I think he's all right.
He could see I was nervous so he gave me a pat on my B-T-M.
Lucky, he didn't give you a G-O-O-S-E.
Hold your tongue! What's he mean? You think we ought to warn her? Well, if you ask my opinion, Constable Wilson, least said, soonest mended.
Now that the beastly strike is behind us, we can return to the old order of things.
Honesty, fair play and above all, decent Victorian values and morality.
-Hear, hear.
-Hear, hear, hear.
I shall start feeling ill in about five minutes, George.
Good.
As soon as everyone's gone, I'll come to your room.
I saw you winking at that girl, Cissy.
Hands off! I saw her first.
Well, may the best man win, Teddy.
You're an absolute rotter.
Don't be so stuffy, Jerry.
It's quite simple.
We just drive down to Brighton, book separate rooms at the Metropole, then you move your bed clothes about and come to my room.
I'd like to propose a toast.
-Oh, just a minute.
-Yes, charge your glass, Mrs Lipton.
Here's to us and the brave new world.
Social justice, equality and progress.
If we follow the example of our betters, we won't go far wrong.
A little nightcap in your room later, Mrs Lipton? A word to the wise, Ivy, bolt your door tonight.
Oh, yes, I will.
Ivy, don't forget to bolt your door tonight.
Ivy, there's no bolt on your door.
Put a chair under the handle.
From Mayfair to Park Lane You will hear this same refrain In every house again, again You rang, m'lord? Stepping out on the town The social whirl goes round and round The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? The Bunny Hug at the Shim Sham Club The Charleston at The Ritz #And at the Troc do the Turkey Trot They give Aunt Maude a thousand fits Talking flicks are here today And Lindbergh's from the USA Poor Valentino's passed away How sad, m'lord.
-Well, I'm going backwards.
-Why? Because I'm a coward.
Well, we could be shot for desertion.
Well, go on.
Be a hero.
I'm not stopping you.
Well, I'm going to do my duty.
I'm going forward.
What's the matter? I'll give it a few more minutes then I'll go forward.
-It's getting a bit hot.
-Yes.
We can't stay here.
The Jerry guns have got these buildings marked.
Come on.
Is he dead, Alf? Is it going? No, but his watch is.
-What are you doing? -He'll not need this where he's gone.
He'll either need a harp or a fire extinguisher.
You're robbing the dead.
You're robbing the dead! If I don't, somebody else will.
I'm having that ring and all.
Look at that stone.
It must be worth hundreds.
It won't come off his finger.
Lend me your penknife.
(Retching) What's the matter with you? Have you eaten something that didn't agree with you? -I'll use my bayonet.
-You're not doing anything more to him.
What's the matter with you? I'm only going to get the stone out.
You disgust me.
I'd rather die than skulk in this shallow with you, Alf Stokes.
I'm gonna do my duty.
I'm going forward.
Goodbye.
Are you going to do much more of that? Because if not, I've got an idea how we can get out of this.
We're going back.
-But we'll be shot as deserters.
-Will you listen for a minute? You and I are going to carry this poor, wounded officer back to the field hospital.
-But he's dead.
-He's not gone cold yet.
You're not a medical man, Jim Twelvetrees.
Anyone can make a mistake.
(Groaning) Hey, wait a minute, Alf.
I think he's still alive.
You're right.
Come on.
-What? Are you going to carry him on your back? -Yes.
If there's any bullets flying about, he'll get them first.
Excuse me, Captain Meldrum? Captain Meldrum? Excuse me, but there are two tommies outside who say you sent for them.
-What are their names? -Private Stokes and Twelvetrees.
Yes.
They saved my life.
Show them in.
Thanks, mate.
I'm surprised you've got the nerve to show your face, Alf Stokes.
I saved his life, didn't I? -The Captain will see you now.
-Well, thank you.
Over here, chaps.
Don't salute me.
I haven't got a hat on.
Stand at ease.
I just want you to know you've both behaved like absolute bricks.
-What did he say? -Bricks.
Oh, thank you, sir.
If it hadn't been for you two, God knows what would have happened to me.
As it was, some rotter stole my watch and emerald.
Yes, there's a lot of rogues about, sir.
Riffraff I call them.
You're right.
Lucky they didn't cut my finger off to get the ring.
-I wouldn't put it past them, sir.
-As it was, they've pinched the emerald.
Anyhow, I want you chaps to know I owe you both a debt I can never repay.
If there's ever anything I can do for you, you've only got to call on me.
The one thing this war has done is to bring us together.
All classes sharing the same dangers and hardships.
-What is it, sister? -Bad news I'm afraid, Captain Meldrum.
-Is it Lieutenant Bertie in the bottom bed? -No.
It's the ice.
There isn't any.
You mean my 1 1 :00 glass of champagne will be at room temperature? I'm afraid so.
It's a damn shame.
-Where was I? -Sharing the same hardship, sir.
Yes.
Well, I'm proud to shake you by the hand.
Sir.
-You're damn good eggs.
-You're a gentleman, sir.
That's all.
Dismissed.
-Damn, damn, damn.
-What's the matter? Didn't you see that great, big gold signet ring on his right hand? -How could I have missed it? -You disgust me.
When we get back to Blighty, I never want to see you again.
Does that mean when I flog the stone, you don't want your half share? Go before I strike you.
Suit yourself.
I say, Private, would you mind taking Captain Meldrum his glass of champagne? We've got a bit of a rush on.
They've just started the Battle of Amiens.
Excuse me, sir.
Your champagne.
Excuse me, sir.
Ahem.
Excuse me, sir.
-Your early morning tea.
-Thank you.
Thank you, Twelvetrees.
Oh, any news of Chesterton? He passed away during the night, sir.
Oh, dear.
He was a damn fine butler.
He was indeed, sir.
We must find someone to replace him quickly.
I was thinking, sir.
I wonder if I might be considered for the post.
Well, it's not up to me.
It's for my brother to decide.
I wonder if I might be so bold as to ask you to put in a good word for me to His Lordship, sir? Very well, I'll bring it up at breakfast.
No, no, Teddy.
Twelvetrees is far too young.
What do you think, Lavender? He's only been with us nine years.
Well, he did save my life during the war.
Saving people's lives is not necessarily a qualification for being a good butler.
Good morning, Daddy.
-Morning, Grandmother.
-Good morning, my dear.
Morning, family.
-You were out late last night, Poppy.
-Yes.
Jerry took me to see Jesse Matthews in One Damn Thing After Another.
Now don't use that language at the breakfast table, Poppy.
-It's the new Cocky show.
-Cocky? CB Cochrane, Grandmother.
And afterwards, we went on to the Kit-Cat Club.
Absolutely divine.
I just adore the Kit-Cat Club.
Hutch was doing the cabaret.
He's got a super voice.
All the women are absolutely crazy about him.
Well, I hate the place.
My chum Penelope had the most frightful row with the head waiter.
He said it was against house rules for girls to dance together.
Doesn't bother me.
I don't want to dance with girls.
Well, I don't want to dance with girls all the time.
Just my chum Penelope.
I suppose you've heard Chesterton kicked the bucket.
Yes.
Rotten luck.
Such a good butler.
Teddy wants to give the post to Twelvetrees.
What do you think? I think he's absolutely scrumptious.
You think anything in trousers is scrumptious.
No, no.
He's definitely not right.
I'll get on to the agency.
Somewhere or other, there's bound to be the right type of honest, reliable man.
I wanted a new horse.
There was a whole lot of them in a row.
I got on one critter and he fell down.
I got on another critter and he fell down.
I said to the guy who was selling them, ''I'll take the one on the end.
'' He said, ''Don't take that one or they'll all fall down.
'' For this next trick, I should need the help of my beautiful assistant, Pocahontas.
(Drums beating) (Drum roll) I'm not having that balloon on my bum anymore.
-All right.
We'll go back to the knives.
-Oh, no, Dad.
Not the knives.
They only took the stitches out me ear last week.
All right, then, the hatchets.
It's a wonderful finish.
Dad, how can you put your own daughter in mortal danger night after night? It's only for a few more weeks, love, till Myrtle comes out the infirmary.
-She's not coming back.
-What do you mean? She told me last week when I took her the calf's foot jelly.
She's finished.
And I'm finished, too.
I never thought a daughter of mine would turn out a coward.
-I am not a coward.
-Then what are you afraid of? It's like we used to say in the war, ''If a bullet's got your name on it, there's nothing you can do about it.
'' Well, it has got my name on it.
Stokes.
-I just put that on for identification.
-How does the hatchet know? Oh, let's face it, Dad.
It's an awful act.
Why don't you go back to your old job? Because I was fed up waiting hand and foot on them toffs.
Well, Mum said you were good at it and you'd still be doing it if it weren't for them silver fish knives.
They never used them.
They were vegetarians.
-Hello, Mr Challon, want a drink? -No, thank you.
We'll have one in the bar before I go on for the second house.
You won't be going on for the second house.
I saw your first house.
You've got a dreadful act.
Well, now, be fair.
It was only first house Monday.
There were only 20 people in.
Yes, and when you'd finished, there were only 1 0.
Right, I'm paying you off.
Head office has cancelled the rest of your dates.
Here's 1 0 bob.
Consider yourself lucky.
-Mr Challon.
-Hm? How would it be if we finished with the hatchets? -No.
-But you'll be an act short.
No, I won't.
I'm putting in Joe McVitty and his educated poodles.
Well, now I've heard everything.
Fancy being replaced by a pack of poodles.
-What are we going to do, Dad? -Well, that'll not get us very far.
Here, you have it.
No, it's all right.
I've got a sovereign sewn up in my petticoat.
No, you have it, love.
Here, go on.
I'll sell the hatchets.
Look you'd better go back to your mother.
What are you going to do? Go back to being a butler.
You'll never get a reference off Sir Richard after that business with the silver fish knives.
Yes, I will.
I know about him and the gardener's boy.
Why? What happened with the gardener's boy? Never you mind, Ivy.
There are dark deeds that men do that have no place in the mind of an innocent girl.
Fancy.
Will you clear the room as quick as you can? Joe McVitty wants it for his educated poodles.
They can't be that educated or they wouldn't come to a dump like this.
I'm going to miss you, Dad.
-In spite of the hatchets and knives.
-Yes.
I'm going to miss you, love.
You're a great kid.
-We've always got on, haven't we? -Yes.
Two of a kind.
-When am I going to see you again? -Wait.
Come on.
Now listen.
As soon as I get fixed up, I'm going to send for you.
And I promise.
Get out of it.
Get out.
Get out of it.
You should have the situation, James.
We don't want strangers in the house.
Go up and ask if you can see His Lordship when he's finished talking to young Maggie.
I couldn't do that, Mrs Lipton.
I know my place.
My time will come when the good Lord wills it.
Do you mean the good lord upstairs in the drawing room or the good Lord on high? Be quiet, Henry.
And stop spitting out arrowroot crumbs all over my clean table.
Maggie just scrubbed it.
I wonder if I might trouble you for another cup of your most excellent tea, Mrs Lipton? Yes, of course, James.
I always say you make the best cup of tea in London.
-Don't I always say that, Henry? -Yes, you always say that, Mr Twelvetrees.
If you spit out any more crumbs, I shall box your ears.
Sorry.
You did it again.
Maggie is a long time upstairs.
I wonder what's going to happen.
Least said, soonest mended.
-She's been crying a lot.
-Hold your tongue.
-And she's been sick a lot.
-I won't tell you again.
-Shall I go? -No, Henry, you do not answer the door.
Not even in the servants' quarters do you answer the door.
Mr Twelvetrees answers the door.
Isn't that right, James? Quite right, Mrs Lipton.
I answer the door.
-What happens when he's not here? -Hold your tongue.
(Knocking on door) If you don't answer that door soon, they'll go away.
Mr Twelvetrees will not answer the door until he is correctly attired.
-Isn't that right, James? -Quite correct, Mrs Lipton.
You've got a lot to learn, Henry.
Ah! Good afternoon.
I have been requested to attend this address by ''The Mrs Edwards Domestic Agency ''in connection with the vacant situation of butler.
'' Stokes is the name.
-You! -Jim Twelvetrees as I live and breathe! You're not coming in.
If you don't leave at once, I shall summon the police.
Oh, yeah? What will the charge be? Desertion in the face of the enemy? Robbing a wounded officer? You could be a witness.
After all, you were there.
You helped.
-Well, I was an innocent victim of your villainy.
-That's as may be.
But it's your word against mine.
I'm coming in.
Good afternoon, all! This is my lucky day.
A pot of tea on the table and a beautiful woman at the stove.
And meeting up with an old army pal I served with during the war.
Oh, what a lovely surprise, Mr Twelvetrees! Yes, he's speechless with delight.
And can you wonder? We saved each other's lives.
What? Both at the same time? Hold your tongue.
I'm ruined.
Disgraced.
How can I face my dad now? A fallen woman.
And he pulled me down.
What am I going to do about the baby? He took advantage of me.
And him being a ''Honourable'' as well.
Yes, well, it is rather a contradiction in terms.
Our solicitors have been instructed to look after you and I promise you will want for nothing.
-My baby wants a daddy.
-Yes, well, we can't help with that, I'm afraid.
Now, you come along, go downstairs, get Mrs Lipton to give you a nice cup of tea and a piece of cherry cake, and then pack your bags and go.
And here is P5 to be getting on with.
You silly arse, Teddy! You'll ruin me.
This is the fifth settlement I've had to make in the past nine years.
Not only that, we've lost some damn good maids.
-I'm most awfully sorry.
-Well, I don't understand it.
There are so many damned attractive girls of your own sort hanging about.
You could have the pick of society.
Not to mention chorus girls.
-Why do you go in for servants? -I don't know.
It just comes over me.
I find myself creeping up the attic stairs, my heart pounding.
Then I push open the door and there's the smell of carbolic soap mixed with cheap perfume.
Then there's the coarse sheets and the feel of the rough nightgown Steady on, Teddy.
You'd better have a whisky or something.
-You never used to be like this.
-It was the war.
Well, I was in the war.
We were all in the war.
We didn't go charging off after servant girls.
There wouldn't be any left.
(Knocking on door) Come in.
-Excuse me, m'lord.
-Yes, what is it, James? There's a person to see you regarding the vacant situation.
-Is he from the agency? -Yes, m'lord.
The Honourable Edward knows him well.
Good God, Teddy! You haven't been creeping up any other attic stairs, have you? -Certainly not.
-All right.
Show him in.
Mr Alfred Stokes.
Good afternoon, m'lord.
Good afternoon, sir.
Good heavens! Private Stokes! -This man saved my life.
-I thought you said James saved your life.
-Yes, he did.
-How many times have you had your life saved? Only once.
-By two people? -That's right.
I see.
Well, in that case, you've got the job.
Provided your references are all right.
This is from my last employer, m'lord.
Good heavens! It's old Richard.
We were at Eton together for a while.
-Was he expelled? -Yes.
-The usual? -Yes.
They were trying to stamp it out.
-Did they succeed? -No.
Well, let me see.
''Trustworthy.
Reliable.
Industrious and honest.
'' Well, you couldn't have had a better reference had you dictated it yourself.
-Thank you, sir.
-That seems to be in order.
-Can you start straightaway? -Of course, m'lord.
All right, James.
That'll be all.
Thank you.
Now, Teddy, I wonder if you'd leave us alone for a moment.
Yes, of course.
Oh, and thanks once more for saving my life.
Well, Stokes, I hope you'll be very happy with us.
-Thank you, m'lord.
-James will show you around.
And I will go over the silver with you tomorrow morning after breakfast.
I shall look forward to it, m'lord.
Now your first job will be to engage your new parlour maid.
A new parlour maid? Shouldn't be much of a problem, m'lord.
There's plenty of those about.
Yes, but she also has to look after the ladies of the house.
Well, naturally.
For a reason I won't go into, I don't want anyone too pretty.
-Indeed.
-Indeed.
-I want somebody plain and ordinary.
-Plain and ordinary? Leave it to me, m'lord.
I know the very girl.
Can I help you, little girl? -I've got to go to number 1 2.
-That's Lord Meldrum's residence.
-The tradesman's entrance is this way.
-Thank you.
Those two girls have been waiting upstairs for nearly an hour.
They shouldn't be here.
His Lordship asked me to get a maid and I've sent for one.
-They're very pretty.
-How did they get here? The Honourable Teddy rang the agency off his own bat.
I heard him in the hall.
Well, with respect, I think it undermines your authority, Mr Stokes.
But them as pays the piper is entitled to call the tune.
If you ask me, they're far too pretty.
I know why His Lordship wanted a plain one.
It's nothing to do with you, Henry.
My dad always used to say, ''Men don't makes passes at girls with fat arses.
'' (Bell ringing) I shan't tell you again.
-The tradesman's entrance.
-We can all read, Henry.
-Hello, Dad.
-Hello, love.
Look, don't call me that.
They mustn't know you're my daughter.
Take your mother's name.
-From now on, you're Ivy Teasdale.
Come in.
-Sorry I'm late.
We were shoved in a siding while the Royal train went by.
Well, hurry and tidy yourself up.
I'm going to take you straight up to see His Lordship.
-Oh.
-Come on, let me do that.
Now, Teddy, about this dinner party tonight.
Your partner is Madge Cartwright.
Madge Cartwright? Is that the best you could do? Unless you'd prefer me to invite the parlour maid from number 1 0 for you? That's a rotten thing to say.
Well, I'm sorry.
But you are a bit of a problem with this proclivity you have for certain girls.
-Yes, but Madge Cartwright.
-Well, she was a deb.
She came out in 1 903.
Yes, well, from what I hear, she still has a lot of go in her.
Jerry will be Poppy's partner.
-What are you doing about Cissy? -I've invited Squiffy Withers.
That terrible chappie from the guards? He never says anything.
He just goes (Imitating Squiffy laughing) Well, I'm sorry.
I'm getting desperate.
I've got to get Cissy off with somebody.
All she does is go round with girls.
If you ask me, she's a bit of a tomboy.
Strange, men don't seem to go for her very much.
Maybe it's her short hair, monocle and trousers.
-I do wish she'd wear a pretty frock.
-Yes, I mean, Penelope, that friend of hers does.
Who's your partner? Agatha.
Agatha? That's still going on, is it? I suppose after dinner, she'll suddenly be taken ill and will have to stay the night and you'll be creeping along the passage to check her pulse.
It's nothing to do with you, Teddy.
-And where is Sir Ralph? -He is climbing an alp.
You are playing with fire there, George.
If Sir Ralph ever finds out (Knocking on door) Come in.
There are three girls waiting in the hall for you to interview them for the position of maid, m'lord.
Why three? I thought you said you knew somebody suitable, somebody plain and homely.
The agency was advised of our requirements by someone else in the household, m'lord.
Are the other two pretty? In a common sort of way, sir.
Teddy! Better see them while they are here.
It's awfully bad form otherwise.
-All right, send them in.
-Very good, m'lord.
Amy Pratt.
Bella Sidebottom.
-Dad! -Don't call me that! Oh, sorry.
Them two has been in service, I haven't.
-They're bound to get the job.
-Don't worry about it.
-But they've got references.
-So have you.
I'm sorry.
Neither of you is suitable.
Now you go downstairs and get Mrs Lipton to give you a nice cup of tea and a piece of cherry cake and then, go.
And here is half a crown each for your services.
They were beautiful.
Amy with her shiny face, Bella with her chapped hands.
I can see them now, doing the washing up, dusting, bristling the carpet and scrubbing.
Holystoning the front step.
We could've employed them both, but you send them away.
I shall never see them again.
For goodness sake, pull yourself together.
If this goes on much longer, we'll have to get you treatment.
(Knocking on door) Come in.
Ivy Teasdale, m'lord.
My dear, Stokes speaks very highly of you.
Very fine references, sir.
-Lady Manners thinks very well of you.
-Who? -Lady Manners, your last employer.
-Oh, her.
-Pay attention, girl.
-Sorry, Mr Stokes.
Now, let me see.
Ironing, seamstress, crochet, embroidery, petit point, grate blacking.
Yes, I think you'll find she's a treasure, sir.
Yes, I think so, too.
Don't you, Teddy? I've absolutely no idea.
Yes, well, you can start straightaway.
-P1 a week and two afternoons off a month.
-That's very generous of you, m'lord.
-Thank His Lordship, Ivy.
-Thank you for you generosity, m'lord.
And no followers.
-What are they? -I know she hasn't any, sir.
As you can see, she's a very simple girl.
Indeed.
Stokes.
I asked you to get me a plain girl.
-Isn't she plain enough, sir? -More than plain enough.
-You've done very well.
-Thank you, sir.
It may have seemed a somewhat strange request, but there are certain members of our household who upon seeing a pretty girl, get sort of inflamed.
Oh, she won't inflame anyone, sir.
No.
-It was the damn war, you know.
-Yes, it affected us all, m'lord.
But I think we're safe with her.
Yes, I'm sure we are.
-Right, Ivy, you may go.
-Very good, m'lord.
Beautiful! You're wonderful! With your shiny, scrubbed face and those glasses with the thumbprints on them Give over! Oh, hang! I've done all the flowers upstairs, Mrs Lipton.
Oh, how lucky they are having you in the household, James.
You've taken on all the little tasks that are normally only in the province of a gentlewoman, ever since her dear ladyship passed away.
God rest her dear soul, Mrs Lipton.
It must be awful for His Lordship to lie abed night after night without the comfort of a good woman beside him.
Why, is Lady Agatha a bad woman, then? Oh, you found a uniform that fitted you then, Ivy? There's dozens up there.
Well, we've had lots of maids coming and going.
Mostly going.
Why? Yes, well, you look very nice, Ivy.
Mr Stokes wants to see you in the dining room.
Oh, righto.
You think we ought to warn her, Mrs Lipton? Least said, soonest mended, James.
When the household falls quiet in the dead of night, may her guardian angel watch over her innocent soul.
# I took one look at you # That's all I meant to do # And then my heart stood still # When the red, red robin comes bob, bob, bobbing along Along How do I look, Dad? Sorry, I mean, Mr Stokes.
-You look champion.
-Bit of a change from me Red Indian outfits.
Well, they won't throw knives at you.
-Dad.
-What? I'm a bit worried.
-What about? -You know that funny one? -What funny one? -The one with the eyeglass.
Oh, that's His Lordship's brother, the Honourable Teddy.
That's the one whose life I saved during the war.
He tried to take advantage of me.
-Where? -In the hall.
People don't take advantage of people in halls.
It's all in your imagination, Ivy.
It's not.
He said I was beautiful with me shining, scrubbed face and glasses with thumbprints on.
Now, listen, our Ivy.
You and I have got a good job here for as long as it suits us.
So just keep out of his way.
If he tries to do more than grab you in the hall, let me know.
I don't think I'm cut out to be a maid.
I feel terrible, like a fish out of water.
-Will they expect me to wait on table tonight? -Yes, but don't worry about it.
I'm going to show you what to do.
That's why I sent for you.
-Don't the table look a picture? -Yes.
All that silver.
-You haven't pinched any, have you? -Shut up.
Look at these knives and forks.
How do they know which to eat what with? It doesn't concern you.
You won't be eating.
I'll make it very simple.
All you've got to do tonight is to take round the vegetables.
Now then, His Lordship will be sitting at the head of the table.
Lady Agatha will be sitting on his right hand.
And you always serve from the left.
-I'm left-handed.
Do I serve from the right? -No.
His Lordship will carve the meat and Jim will take the plates round.
All you've got to do is serve the vegetables.
Now then, here's the first dish.
-Why are you serving ping pong balls? -It's just to show you.
I robbed the games room.
These are the Brussel sprouts.
Look, you grasp the fork and spoon so, and then you say, ''Excuse me, m'lady.
Would you care for some Brussel sprouts?'' Excuse me, m'lady.
Would you care for some Brussel sprouts? And then, of course, you put them on the plate.
So.
Simple.
You do it.
Come on, grasp the fork and spoon.
Go on.
Excuse me, m'lady.
Would you care for some Brussel sprouts? Pick them up! -They're so light! -You can be very clumsy at times, our Ivy.
What about you? Who was it that sliced Myrtle's ear in half? She flinched and the band were playing the wrong music.
Oh, ping pong balls are nothing like sprouts.
Look, just serve the potatoes.
And snooker balls are nothing like potatoes.
-What do you say? -Thank you.
No! To her ladyship! Excuse me, m'lady.
Would you care for some Brussel sprouts? -Potatoes! -Oh, I mean, potatoes.
-What happens if she says no? -Then don't give her any! Just get on with it! And don't rush it! Take it very slowly.
Excuse me, m'lady.
Would you care for some potatoes? Yes! Steady.
Steady.
Steady.
(Plate cracks) Now look what you've done! Do you think they'll notice? Yes! The food will fall right through the middle.
Right, that's it.
Give it here.
You do not serve the vegetables tonight.
Jim will do it.
I thought you said he was serving the meat.
Leave it to me.
Go upstairs and put a bandage on your finger and pretend you've cut it so you can only use one hand.
Just take the meat round and clear the empty plates.
And you serve from the left and clear from the right.
Got it? Serve from the left.
Clear from the right.
Right.
Now go upstairs and put a bandage on your finger.
You've cut it.
-Yes, Dad.
-Oh, and Ivy.
You don't really have to cut your finger.
I wasn't going to.
I'm not daft, you know.
Oh, Ivy, Mrs Lipton wants you in the kitchen.
I can't come now.
I've got to go upstairs and cut me finger.
-What's the matter with her? -She means she's cut her finger.
She's got to go upstairs and put a bandage on it.
She won't be able to serve the vegetables tonight.
You're doing it.
I haven't served the vegetables for five years.
I always serve the meat.
Well, you're not serving it tonight.
Ivy's doing it.
Now, you listen to me, Alf Stokes.
I've had a hard struggle to attain my present station in life and I do not intend to take a step down the ladder because of some chit of a servant girl.
Don't you call our Ivy a chit! What do you mean, ''our Ivy''? Well, she's part of the household, isn't she? -Well, you can serve the vegetables yourself.
-What and leave you to serve the wine? -What sort of a man do you think I am? -I'll tell you.
You're the sort of man who robs a wounded officer.
You're up to something, Alf Stokes, and I'm watching you.
Very well, James Twelvetrees, you can watch me while you're serving the vegetables.
I'll be here at 1 1 :00, sir.
(Chuckling) Good evening, Your Ladyship.
His Lordship is in the drawing room.
Thank you, Twelvetrees.
-They're all here, Mrs Lipton.
-Right.
Now then, Ivy, I want you to take this tray up to Lady Lavender right away.
-Who is that? -Her Late Ladyship's mother.
-Isn't she coming down to dinner? -No, she's not well.
Oh, poor soul! -Was it something she ate? -No, it was something she drank.
Come in.
Good evening, Lady Lavender.
My name is Ivy.
Are you going to have a baby? I'm the new maid.
I arrived this morning.
Oh, in that case, you can't be.
There wouldn't have been time.
Put it over here, girl.
-What did you say your name was? -Ivy.
What a dreadful name.
I shall call you Ethel.
Here's your supper.
I can't stop.
I've got to go and help with the dinner downstairs.
Now, don't eat the flower, will you? Ta-ra.
-Ethel.
-Yes, m'lady.
I don't like macaroni cheese.
And I don't like scrambled eggs.
And I don't like cocoa.
What about the bread and butter pudding? -Dinner is served, m'lord.
-Thank you, Stokes.
Stokes is stoking the inner man.
(Squiffy laughing) Teddy, lead the way, will you, please? You're here, Squiffy.
Next to Cissy.
Where have you been? Look at the mess you're in.
Lady Lavender chucked her supper at me, cocoa and all.
It was like being back in the act.
-Why didn't you dodge? -'Cause you always taught me not to flinch.
Go upstairs and get changed quickly.
And don't forget.
I told you to put a bandage on your finger.
-Sorry, I forgot.
-Well, do it now.
Soup coming up, James.
-Haul away, Henry.
-Yes, Mrs Lipton.
Evening all.
Any grub going? Well, you'll have to wait.
I'll give you a cut off the joint later.
What more could anyone ask, Mrs Lipton? Where's that girl? She should be here to serve the rolls.
-Who's going to serve the rolls? -You are.
I don't serve the rolls.
The maid serves the rolls.
I never serve the rolls.
You're serving them tonight.
You've got a ping pong ball in your soup, Squiffy.
At most dinner parties, they serve croutons.
Allow me, sir.
Stokes, where did that ping pong ball come from? It must have been young Henry, m'lord, when he was doing the grate blacking.
I'll box his ears.
-Give him an extra one from me.
-M'lord.
That looks a picture, Mrs Lipton.
I hope His Lordship and his guests don't consume an excess amount.
Oh, don't you worry, Constable Wilson.
This is for us.
I took out the fillet.
Very wise.
Makes it easier for His Lordship to carve.
-That's what I always say, don't I, Henry? -Yes, Mrs Lipton, that's what you always say.
Leave it alone, Henry.
I was damn scared, I can tell you.
There was this mob of miners coming down Whitehall.
I was on patrol with my polo team and things looked pretty desperate.
I thought, ''We've got to separate them.
'' So we charged and knocked hell out of them with our polo mallets.
I don't mind telling you, those miners looked pretty ugly.
Miners usually are.
Well, I don't think there'll ever be another general strike.
The workers have learnt their lesson.
I drove a bus.
When we got in amongst them, I biffed one of the miners over the head with my polo mallet.
He fell down in front of my pony and made it shy.
Then another bounder poked my pony with the sharp end of the banner pole.
What sort of person would do that to a dumb animal? Striking miners.
AGATHA: Yes.
Well, there's only one way to treat those sort of people.
Call the troops out.
Read the riot act, and if they don't shift, open fire.
I drove a bus.
Well, it was damn dangerous.
Well, I think the government treated the strikers disgracefully.
Look, I will not have any of your damn bolshie talk at my dinner table.
Absolute piffle.
Pure mashed potatoes.
You just can't trust those damn Reds.
Look what they did to the tsar in Russia.
Shot him in the basement.
I mean, how can you mix with people like that? You must admit, Daddy, those miners didn't get very much money.
Nonsense, they got free coal.
Plenty of charities handing out parcels of groceries.
My sympathy goes out to the police.
All they had were their truncheons.
Well, Stokes, I don't suppose you'd ever go on strike? No, no, m'lord.
We know our place.
I nearly got the dish of Brussel sprouts and shoved them right in his snooty face.
Come the revolution, I'll be up there at that table and he'll be down here.
-You're talking like a bolshie, Mr Stokes.
-He always did.
As a constable in the Metropolitan Police, I cannot sit here and listen to talk of Red revolution.
I wouldn't mind some more of those excellent sprouts, Mrs Lipton.
Oh, you don't want these.
They're from upstairs.
I've got some fresh ones.
Do I see a drop more wine in the decanter, Mr Stokes? Yes, help yourself.
I've got two bottles.
-He pinched them from the cellar.
-How dare you, James? I opened them for the party.
They were excess to requirements.
His Lordship does not wish to drink stale wine.
Are you suggesting I should pour it down the sink? I'm sure His Lordship wouldn't want that.
-Well, I'm not having any.
It's tainted.
-Tainted? Chateau Lafite '99? Perish the thought.
-And will there be a nice drop of port to follow? -Oh, I expect so.
Leave it to me, Mrs Lipton.
Well, Ivy, how have you enjoyed your first day with us, then? It's been lovely.
I think I'm going to be very happy here.
They're a lovely family.
So friendly.
That daughter, the one with the eyeglass, winked at me.
Twice.
Ivy, take my advice.
Don't get too friendly with her.
Why not? Because servants should know their place.
Oh, I see.
Well, I was bit worried about the Honourable Edward, but I think he's all right.
He could see I was nervous so he gave me a pat on my B-T-M.
Lucky, he didn't give you a G-O-O-S-E.
Hold your tongue! What's he mean? You think we ought to warn her? Well, if you ask my opinion, Constable Wilson, least said, soonest mended.
Now that the beastly strike is behind us, we can return to the old order of things.
Honesty, fair play and above all, decent Victorian values and morality.
-Hear, hear.
-Hear, hear, hear.
I shall start feeling ill in about five minutes, George.
Good.
As soon as everyone's gone, I'll come to your room.
I saw you winking at that girl, Cissy.
Hands off! I saw her first.
Well, may the best man win, Teddy.
You're an absolute rotter.
Don't be so stuffy, Jerry.
It's quite simple.
We just drive down to Brighton, book separate rooms at the Metropole, then you move your bed clothes about and come to my room.
I'd like to propose a toast.
-Oh, just a minute.
-Yes, charge your glass, Mrs Lipton.
Here's to us and the brave new world.
Social justice, equality and progress.
If we follow the example of our betters, we won't go far wrong.
A little nightcap in your room later, Mrs Lipton? A word to the wise, Ivy, bolt your door tonight.
Oh, yes, I will.
Ivy, don't forget to bolt your door tonight.
Ivy, there's no bolt on your door.
Put a chair under the handle.
From Mayfair to Park Lane You will hear this same refrain In every house again, again You rang, m'lord? Stepping out on the town The social whirl goes round and round The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? The Bunny Hug at the Shim Sham Club The Charleston at The Ritz #And at the Troc do the Turkey Trot They give Aunt Maude a thousand fits Talking flicks are here today And Lindbergh's from the USA Poor Valentino's passed away How sad, m'lord.