3rd Rock from the Sun s01e01 Episode Script

Male radio deejay: We're still taking calls on those Ufo sightings.
I'm on the line with Jennifer who claims to have actually met aliens.
Jennifer: Gary, I have been sucked up by alien spacecraft many times, - Gary: Uh-oh.
- and I can tell you they are among us.
Gary: Really? Now, what do you suppose they want? - Jennifer: Well, they want my eggs - Uh-huh.
to start their own alien race.
Gary: Whoa, thanks for calling.
Hello.
You're on the air.
Man: I saw four aliens in a car.
- I think it was a Rambler.
- Whoa, stylish.
- Everyone fully formed? - All: uh-huh.
- Yeah.
- Everyone got 10 fingers and 11 toes? - Check.
- Good.
I guess we're in.
Everyone comfortable? I have three holes in my face.
Can anyone get your head to swivel to the rear? - All: no.
- Then how are you supposed to lick your back? Maybe you do what they're doing? Look.
Life-forms, and they're cleaning each other.
All: aw! Look at us.
I can't believe we look like them.
- Yeah.
Is anybody else sweating under their breasts? No.
In fact, I don't have any.
I have tiny ones.
- Quick, look.
That woman is going to drive with her feet.
Don't you people have a home? Uh, no, we don't, but thank you for the idea.
See? She called us people.
Listen.
- It's that signal they keep sending into space.
- Louie, Louie Oh, no, me gotta go Aye, yi-yi-yi, I said Louie, Louie.
Dick: Our home for this mission is Earth, a third-rate planet.
I got a teaching job at a third-rate university.
Now we're looking at a third-floor apartment.
Come in.
Come on in.
It's the attic, so it's kind of small, but it's furnished.
- We love it.
- Yeah, it's so much bigger than a car.
Yeah.
We'll take it.
This used to be the rumpus room back in the '60s.
This carpet has seen more butts than Santa Claus' lap.
Ooh! What is this stuff? This sweater? It's angora.
Well, it's wonderful.
I've never seen anything like it.
- Ooh! - I like the color.
Well, it's very nice.
You're not from around here, are you? Well, Mrs.
Dubcek, I can stand here and chew your fat day all day, but time has no manners.
Bye, now.
Sally, I want you to observe her.
Find out what women on this planet do.
- Why can't Harry do it? - Because you're the woman.
That brings up a very good question: why am I the woman? Because you lost.
Dick? I can't see through my eyelids.
Open them.
Oh! They're manual.
Oh, good.
You're here.
Did you copy the mainframe in the library? I got a little distracted.
- Again? What happened? - I was watching these women play volleyball, and they were all jumping up and down, up and down in these little shorts.
And some can't jump as high as the others, but it's okay.
It's more than okay.
It's really okay.
I mean-- - what is wrong with you? - I don't know.
We can't leave without that information.
So access the mainframe, enter the net, download, and then go straight home as soon as you're finished.
- Why are you talking to me like I'm a child? - You are a child.
- I'm older than you.
- Well, now I'm bigger, and on this planet size matters.
- Good morning, Dr.
Solomon.
- Ah, Nina.
Here's your mail.
This is nothing.
Nothing.
This is something, but there's nothing you can do about it.
This is an invitation to a party at the Dean's house.
This is nothing.
And if you don't stop staring at whatever it is you're watching, you're gonna lose something.
Tommy's just on his way to the library.
Aren't you, Tommy? Uh, yeah, I am now.
I have to go look up the word "throb.
" He's older than he looks.
- I have to file some things for you.
What is that? It's you! You smell so nice.
Thanks.
I try.
That had better be your nose.
Is your wife out of town? Mrs.
Solomon is no longer with us.
She, uh burned up on reentry.
I had a boyfriend who used to burn up on reentry.
He walks with a limp now.
- Good morning, Dr.
Albright.
- Good morning, Nina.
- Good morning, Dr.
Albright.
- Nina, would you tell Dr.
Solomon he parked in my space again? You parked in her space-- - I know.
It was empty.
Would you tell him I'm going to have him towed? Tell her I already have all the toes I need.
I am fully formed.
That's my parking space.
Oh, so you have a car.
Nina, go to the chem lab.
Tell them I sent you.
Get a pipe bomb, put it in Dr.
Solomon's car and blow it up.
For future reference, I have a red Volvo.
Please, Dr.
Albright! We barely know each other.
Dr.
Solomon, we should get along.
I'm very intelligent.
You have an impressive résumé.
I am the high commander.
I must admit, when I first met you, I was attracted to your flamboyant nature and big head.
Thanks, because I almost went with a smaller one.
Even though I am drawn to genius, this is a small office and you are behaving like a big hose monkey.
You're not so bad yourself, woman.
Knock it off.
What is my thesis doing out of my desk? - I took it out.
- My desk was locked.
Which made it very difficult to open.
You might want to make a note of that.
- You read it? - I memorized it.
Well, it's just a few thoughts.
- A few brilliant thoughts.
- Really? That's quite a compliment coming from someone with your credentials.
- I'm glad you enjoyed it.
- Enjoyed it? It's the funniest thing I've ever read.
Your theory on "man and the animal within," it's hilarious.
Nina said you had no sense of humor.
She is so wrong.
The conclusions that you draw are laugh-out-loud funny.
I see.
Dr.
Solomon, you have crossed a line.
You have belittled my work, and you hurt my feelings.
I don't like you.
- I don't understand.
- Of course you don't.
You're a man.
Ha! That's where you're wrong! Okay, so meatloaf is bread crumbs, - spices and ground beef? - That's it.
- Ground beef is essentially nothing more than a cow? - Yeah.
Well, doesn't it scream when they stuff it in the grinder? Oh, no.
That sucker's been dead for hours.
I have dead cow on my hands? Women.
You can't live with them, and yet, they're everywhere.
So "p" itself is always even.
And we can write "p" equals 2s, where "s" is some other integer.
Substituting "p," we find "p" to the second power equals 2s to the second power, equals 4s to the second power, equals 2q to the second power.
And we find? Who can tell me? Anyone? Okay, I'm getting ahead of everyone.
- Let's simplify.
How far away is Cleveland? - 52 miles.
- Someone give me another answer.
- An hour away.
Cleveland is an hour away.
Someone give me another answer.
- A $9 bus ticket.
- Cleveland is $9 away.
A felony charge.
The federal courthouse is there.
Yes! Cleveland is a felonious assault away.
Someone else.
Yes, Leon.
Well, come on, Leon.
Speak up.
No, never mind.
I had this idea, but it's wrong.
Leon, of course it's wrong.
I mean, the odds against your being right are staggering! You have a great advantage.
You know the outcome.
You will be wrong.
Don't fear it.
Embrace your wrongness.
Leon, how far away is Cleveland? Cleveland is an eternity away if your heart is there.
Leon, that is so provocative.
Where Cleveland equals "p" and eternity equals "q," transposing the logarithm of the heart, where the heart is an unknown, we find that we are forever in Cleveland.
No, I'm sorry, Leon.
You're wrong.
Yes, Caryn.
I think that Leon meant that Cleveland can feel like an eternity away.
Oh, it's a feeling.
Yes, I know all about feelings.
Everything's just going fine, and somebody has a feeling, and kaboom! Suddenly they don't like you.
I think we can all do without feelings.
Who's with me? Your grade depends on it.
Dr.
Solomon, I hope this doesn't affect my grade, but I have a thought.
- Yes? - You have to have feelings.
Feelings are like the core of the human experience.
The core of the human experience? Of course.
I never thought of that.
- Tomorrow, I want you all to write a paper for me about feelings.
Tell me how it feels to use only 10% of your brain.
Ooh, everyone was awake.
Nina, where is Dr.
Albright? I have to talk to her.
She's gone for the day, but she'll be at the Dean's party tonight.
Dean Sumner's party.
Tell him I'll be there.
I'll drop everything and do that right now.
- I'm not sure how to get there.
- I can pick you up.
That won't hurt your back? I'll be in a car.
Good.
Come by and blow the horn.
I love to hear people honk.
What, are you from mars? Mars? Oh, no.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- You're on the volleyball team, aren't you? - Yeah, I am.
I watched you jump up and down this afternoon.
- You're really good.
- Thanks.
We won.
Oh it's a game.
Um, anyway, my name's-- - can I talk to you? - Come on, man.
May I remind you that we are not to alter the lives of the inhabitants of this planet in any way? Yeah, but some of them are just asking for it.
Pull it together.
I'm extending our mission for one more night.
- Why? - I have faculty obligations.
Don't do this to me.
I never sleep.
I'm exhausted.
Besides, you don't have the authority to alter the schedule.
- I'm in command.
- Yeah? Well, I'm in puberty, pal.
I don't care what you say.
It can't be that bad.
I could pop at any minute.
Aren't you exaggerating just a little? - Give me your mind for just a second.
- Please.
Come on.
Just give me your mind.
- Oh! That's disgusting! - I know.
- You think like that? - All the time.
We've gotta get you out of here.
- Dick, what are you doing? - I'm unpacking.
I've changed my mind.
We're going to stay a little longer.
I'm a dead man.
Oh, d-- w-w-w-- whoa, that's mine.
Be careful.
It's, uh very valuable.
You know, I have an urge to hold that.
- That's exactly what it's for.
- May I? Please.
- I find this very satisfying.
- I know.
- I like this.
- I know.
I wonder what Dr.
Albright is doing right now.
Give that back.
Let's break it up here.
I will be so glad to get out of this body.
- What are you doing? - I'm unpacking.
- The commander wants to stay a little while longer.
- What for? Because we can't leave yet.
Did you know that our bodies can produce feelings? I got a whole lot of them from Dr.
Albright this afternoon.
- Really? - Yes.
And I'm going to a party to see if I can get a little tonight.
Oh, Dick, no.
I'm telling you, it's a crime against science not to experiment with ourselves.
Couldn't we just conduct these experiments in the privacy of our own home? - What can she do that I can't? - Lieutenant.
- What? - Permission to speak freely? - Permission granted.
- Sir, would you jump up and down for us? Oh, yeah, and put your hands back behind your head like this.
- I will not.
- Please, for science, truly.
No.
It's not that I don't want to help.
It's just that I don't know how comfortable we would feel working together after an experiment like that.
- It'll be fine.
- Go ahead.
Do it.
- In your dreams! - Every night.
- Look, absolutely not.
- Okay, fine.
You leave me no other choice.
Now we have to experiment at a party.
Listen to me.
Women are trouble.
I should know.
- I've been one for two weeks.
- I know.
Which brings up another point.
I command you to shave under your arms.
Doable.
I'm sorry you find me so offensive.
Damn it, pull yourself together, man! - We're going out.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Give me an hour.
- An hour? Yeah.
I gotta rotate these.
It's a party.
Dr.
Solomon, how nice to see you.
- Good evening, Mrs.
Sumner.
- Won't you come in? If you'll back up.
Please forgive Sally.
She's not from Ohio.
Ooh, I love where you've put these walls.
May I take your coat? If I can keep my pants.
Listen, I want you to keep an eye on this Albright experiment.
Yeah, sure.
What are these? Crustaceans.
I mean, Dick is endangering this entire mission.
- Mm-hmm, right.
And these? - Unborn fowl.
I'm beginning to question his ability to command.
Yeah, too bad.
And these are? - Cocktail weenies.
- Cocktail weenies.
I've seen these before.
They should be bigger.
Nina, right? Oh, hi, Sally.
Nice dress.
- It's just something I threw on.
- Yeah.
Well, you almost missed.
- Uh, hello.
Here I am.
- Yes, there you are.
- Dr.
Albright, I've been thinking about us all day.
- I haven't.
I want to try again.
I want very much to feel, and I want, even more, to be felt, and I mean that from the heart of my bottom.
Well, yours up.
No, I wouldn't do that.
I mean-- I'm new at this.
You see, I've been getting a feeling, and I'm trying to identify it.
Rub it.
Maybe it'll go away.
I just want to make it feel better.
Well, you could start by saying "I'm sorry.
" - Okay, I'm sorry.
- You could say it as if you meant it.
Oh, of course.
Dr.
Albright, I'm very sorry.
Thank you.
That felt great.
Let's do it again.
Dr.
Albright, I'm very sorry.
Oh! Ooh! Ohh! - Get away from me! - What did I not do right? - Go away! - I don't understand! What do you think? They seem to have greater power when they collide.
I'm not wrong, am I? Sally, will you excuse us for a moment? Come on, girls.
Let's go.
- You're coming on to me.
- I have no idea what that means.
It's all right.
It's in my thesis.
It's basic animal attraction.
We all have the animal within.
Some are one swing closer to the tree.
I've see you preen and strut around the office.
I admit I like it.
Are you planning to do something important with your mouth tonight? Because you've painted it bright red.
This always happens.
Dr.
Erdman had a thing for me.
Dr.
Wallach, Dr.
Zucker, Dr.
Thomas, the guy from Cornell who was here for a week.
That was insane.
E-excuse me.
I have a sudden urge to clean you.
Oh! Oh, Dr.
Albright.
I was just thinking of you.
Thanks for the weenies.
Good night, Dr.
Solomon.
Thank you so much for coming.
Good night.
Man on radio: Spinning through space The smile upon your face Welcome to the human race, yeah what a terrific evening.
I just had a great time.
Didn't you? Whatever.
I think this is the most incredible place we've ever been.
The people are so complex.
I love them.
I just think they're wonderful.
You probed her, didn't you? I might have scanned her a little.
I think we've underestimated the life on this planet.
The people have so much courage.
Here they are, hurling through space on a molten rock at 67,000 miles an hour, and the only thing that keeps them from flying out of their shoes is their misplaced faith in gravity.
I'm so glad we're staying.
I want to find out what else they know, what makes them happy, how they raise their young, what happens when they die, why they call themselves the human race.
Did they think someone's going to win? Ooh, look.
A shooting star.
I think this is going to be our greatest mission.
Yeah, he probed her, all right.
Isn't that a lovely ride? Oh, yeah Sliding down and gliding down And try not to try too hard It's just a lovely ride.