8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter s01e01 Episode Script

Rory, what do you like about James Bond? I like that he has a license to kill.
Yeah, me too.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
- What's this one called? - Kyle.
- Hi, Paul Hennessy.
Bridget's Dad.
- What's up! Kyle.
Kyle.
Right.
Just so you know, Kyle, if you ever pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package because you're sure as hell not picking anything up.
- Uh, sorry, Mr.
Hennessy.
- Please.
All the guys call me Paul, or Sensei Paul, because of my black belt.
Whatever you're comfortable with.
- Your pants are ringing.
- Yeah.
What up, my brotha from anotha motha? Oh, Lindsey, yeah, I I can't talk right now.
No, I'm at a friend's house.
Yeah, just a friend.
Yeah.
Late.
- Mr.
Hennessy - Please, Sensei.
Lindsey, huh? You have other girlfriends, Kyle, and that's fine with me - Sweet.
if it's OK with my daughter.
Otherwise, you will continue to date her and no one but her until she is finished with you.
If you make her cry, I'll make you cry.
- Hey, Kyle! - Hey.
Oh, my God, you talked to him.
Little bit.
You two have fun! Later, my brotha from anotha motha! - Keys, keys, keys - Where are you going? You know this.
I'm starting the morning shift in ICU.
- I have to get down to the paper.
- You're in charge of the kids today.
Oh, right! That starts today.
Actually, it started when they were born.
I just never worked mornings before.
You know, you could call them and tell them you're sick.
Paul, you're doing this.
Bye.
This is a bad day for me.
I've got a huge deadline.
Ed needs 800 words on the boat show at Auburn Hills.
OK, I'll tell the guy without a liver to hold on because there's a boat show.
I owe you.
Paul, if you love me, and if you ever want another shot at a nurse fantasy - And I do.
- And you do.
then you will stick to our plan and share duties.
- You're right.
- Bridget! Give me that! - That's my mirror! - They're all your mirrors! OK.
This is where sharing the duties begins.
Girls, don't make your mother come up there! Good job.
The boy.
My boy.
Hey, Dad.
- Good morning, Care Bear.
- Yeah? Prove it.
Someone's not getting any Mickey Mouse pancakes today.
Uh, Bridget Why are you dressed like that? It must be Casual Sex Day at school.
Hey! At least I get look good.
Cupcake, I think you missed the word "under" in "underwear.
" I can see your bra and that slingshot you're wearing under your pants.
- It's a thong.
- It's floss.
I can't wear anything else.
Panty lines.
Hello.
Panty lines, hello, are fine.
- They were a big deal in my day.
- We're the Thong Generation.
Well, maybe that's why your generation is so angry.
You're always walking around with a wedgie.
Hey, Dad, did you know Bridget's got underpants with leopard spots? - What were you doing in my drawer? - Showing my friends.
- Oh God! - No, no, no.
Not the boy.
Never hit the boy.
Go upstairs, cover up! - Kerry, sweetie? - What?! Problem in the coven? You're so immeasurably not funny.
You seem like you're in some kind of mood this morning.
- Is everything OK? - Stop yelling at me! I Uh I'm not yelling.
Honey are you having your? Are you on your? Is it your birthday? No.
It's not my birthday.
- What? - Sack lunches? Only losers bring their lunches to school.
I brought a sack lunch every day all throughout college.
- Loser.
- Loser.
Stop here.
Do not drop us off up front.
And after we walk away, do not shout something after us.
- Or honk.
- Or wave.
Don't say "you're welcome," like you're making a brilliant point because we didn't say "thank you.
" Oh, Dad.
Bridgie! Care Bear! You forgot your lunches! You're welcome! - Hey, Hennessy, think fast! - Damn it, Tommy! Come on! - I got a meeting with Ed in five.
- Easy.
Ooh.
I'm sorry.
I'm just a little crazed because of my kids.
You should've seen the way my daughter dressed.
- Which one, the hot one? - No.
You can't call her that.
- Right.
Not in front of you.
- Not ever.
- Well - No, come on, you know.
- You've got teenagers.
- But I've got the good kind.
Boys.
Boys are great.
My little guy's something, though.
He made the flag football team this year.
Defensive End.
Cute.
Wanna hear something? Guess what I found in Kyle's room? - What? - Come on, guess.
Condoms.
- The big ones.
- Hey! Father of girls here.
- What? - You and I are no longer friends.
When were we friends? Whoa Watch out for that one.
Come on, relax, he's 17.
What were you like at his age? - Horrible.
- Well Horrible! - Wait a minute! Kyle? - He goes to your kids' school.
Got kicked out of the old school.
In fact, I think he's friends with the hot - Bridget.
- Hot Bridget.
Tommy I don't want to talk about the girls right now.
They're safe in school.
Suspended? Kerry's suspended? She was ditching.
This isn't like her.
She's an honor student.
I have to ask, has anything big happened in the home recently? Well, before I switched to columnist, I was named Sportswriter of the Month.
- How would that affect Kerry? - It can't be easy living in my shadow.
- She doesn't care about your shadow.
- Come on, Sportswriter of the Month.
I meant something that might be upsetting to the kids.
- Cate went back to work.
- What? - Which was a mutual decision.
- I had to go back to work.
Bridget is two years away from college, and unless she gets a scholarship I'm sorry.
Go on.
Both of us working and sharing duties seems like the only way to make it work.
- Commendable.
- I make lunches and drive the kids.
- Once.
You did it once.
- I got them to school, didn't I? Next time make sure they walk all the way in the building.
Hello! People.
Look, Kerry's a good kid, but she's at that age where there's a lot of peer pressure.
Drugs, sex, you name it.
And as parents, you need to ask the hard questions.
Kerry, your father and I are very disappointed Oh, my God, it's the hospital.
I have to get back.
But, Kerry, I will be home tonight and we will talk then, OK? - You got this? - Handled.
I got your nose.
- Kerry? - Dad, can I go to the library? Just a second.
Kerry? Uh, that's my ride.
Bye.
Uh I've decided you can go.
- Honey? - What?! Now come on, I gave you enough Just a second.
What? I come in here to think sometimes.
Get out! I let you have the entire afternoon to chill.
Oh, God.
You gotta tell me why you're ditching school.
What's going on, Care Bear? Stop calling me that! God, one Halloween costume at five and it sticks for life.
Do I call you Man With Ax In Head? Kerry, I am your father.
You can tell me anything, anything.
Anything? Stop looking at my pupils! I'm not on drugs! I'm not accusing you.
Should I be? I mean, you know, I There are certain signs.
You lost interest in soccer like that.
Yeah, in the third grade.
The coach wouldn't let me play.
You were too little.
I was afraid to send you in.
Well, something's going on with you, whether it's drugs or Are you using this? My retainer? Yes.
- No, I'm not using birth control.
- Good.
- So, you - No, I don't need birth control.
Better.
What? It's funny that you're worried about me, when Bridget says stuff like, "I'm going to the library.
" "Hey, babe"? "Hey, sexy"? "Dat U?" "Yes, it me.
Who dis dawg?" "Jesse"? "Chatrooms"? Oh, my God! - Hello? - Hey, Dad.
Can you get me at the mall? Lindsey's car died.
Mall? What happened, and please try to be coherent.
We were on our way to the library, but Lindsey's car died but Amanda and Brooke were getting a picture taken for Brooke's birthday, which I want for mine, they give you a makeover.
Wendy did one with this cowboy hat, which was so cute.
- When I say coherent Who's Jesse? - Skittles.
- Skittles? - I'm getting Skittles for the movies.
- Who said you could go? - I can't help it.
- I'm getting a nosebleed.
- You never listen.
- Who is Jesse? - Forget it.
I'll ride with a stranger.
No, don't you hang up on me.
Don't hang God.
- Where you going? - Out.
- Mall? - Yeah.
Hey, check this out, me checking you out.
Checking me out, checking you out.
Yeah, I'm checking you out.
Kyle! Hey, security, you've got to stop that behavior over there.
They're holding hands.
Give me your pepper spray.
Just for a minute.
Don't tempt me.
- Hey, Kyle.
- I gotta go.
Hey, check this out.
Me checking you out, checking me out, checking you out.
Oh.
Hey! - What are you doing here? - Uh Oh, I just, uh I had to pick up a new screwdriver, the old one wouldn't You need a ride home? Mm-hmm.
- This is nice.
- What? You usually don't let me put my arm around you.
Oh, my God.
So, you really never planned on going to the library, did you? Sure, she did, right after her Mensa meeting.
Mensa is a club for geniuses.
- I know what Mensa is.
- Kerry, this is private.
OK.
- Geniuses are really smart people.
- Kerry! Out! Bridgie, the truth, come on.
All right, well I was trying to run into Kyle.
I hoped he'd ask me to the homecoming dance, but that's not gonna happen.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
She's already going with Dustin.
- Oh, my God! - Bridget! - You already have a date? - Yeah, but I could do a lot better.
I mean, come on.
I'm past deadline, sitting here feeling sorry for you when you're at the mall scamming for somebody better? - Did he say "scamming"? - He also says "chill.
" Eww.
- Look at his pants.
- I know.
All right! Kerry, out! - Bridget, you are grounded for a month.
- What? No, no, no.
- One week and I clean my room? - No negotiating.
Three weeks! - One week, clean my room, no allowance.
- Two weeks.
- Well, let that be a lesson to her.
- All right, now you I am sick of your smartass attitude.
You're not going to homecoming either.
- I wasn't going anyway.
- How come? 'Cause it's stupid.
'Cause it's for idiots.
'Cause, God - 'Cause no one asked her.
- Uh, yeah.
- Kerry? - Go away! Look, Kerry, come on, please talk to me.
- You got to let me in sometimes.
- Leave.
No, stay.
Dad do you think I'm pretty? Well, of course I think you're pretty.
What about that guy who hugged you? I bet he thinks you're pretty.
Him? I'm his friend.
I'm everybody's friend.
No one looks at me.
Well, you know, maybe if you didn't dress so baggy.
I mean, you know, you're starting to get a really nice oh, boy figure, and starting to develop things, so Why hide it, I guess.
- Do you want some money? - Dad! I remember when you were born, you had these huge eyes.
These enormous, expressive eyes.
Big, like on monkeys.
No wait, wait.
First, see where I'm going with this.
I got to watch this little girl catch up to these beautiful eyes and grow into this lovely young lady who looks particularly pretty right now because, heaven forbid, she's smiling! A smile that can stop my heart.
Look at that, look at that.
Stop it.
So, in sum, yeah, I think you're very pretty.
What do you know? You're, like, 100.
- Dad? - What? Do you think I'm pretty? Get out! Hey, sweetie.
Paul? - What's wrong? - This is a bad place.
- I'm mad at you.
Something you said.
- What? "Let's start a family.
" It was a bunch of years ago.
You wanted to keep going till we had a boy.
And the boy is fine.
It's the girls.
The girls, they don't seem to like me very much.
Where did you go wrong, Cate? - So you had a rough day? - Yes, I did.
So are you saying that I had the tougher job all these years? No.
You had them when they were cute.
They've changed.
Now, look, you're just having problems adjusting to the fact that your daughters are becoming women.
That is ridiculous.
They are not becoming women.
Hey, you still have Rory, the boy.
He's gonna get older and you guys can hang out at Hooters and drink beers and come on to waitresses.
- That's true.
- There you go.
But I want the girls to love me too.
I know.
Hey, Paul, whatever's going on in their lives, you just have to trust that they love you too.
- Yeah, I guess.
- Mom? Dad? I'm really sorry for ditching school.
I won't do it again.
- Good.
- Glad to hear it.
I'll walk you up.
Good night.
You must have done something right.
Whoa.
- To what do I owe this honor? - Daddy? Oh, God, what do you want? How about I'm only grounded for a week? Six days.
I didn't go anywhere good.
- Cate! - I'm going with the boy you want, - which is like being grounded.
- Cate! You know, Lindsey Hi, Dad.
Hey, where's your shroud? - A friend's coming over.
- A boy? Yeah.
Is it OK? To see you light up like this? Sure.
He's here! I'm not ready.
Hi, I'm Jesse.
- Chatroom Jesse? - Yeah.
Hey, is Kerry here? Mmm No!