A.P. Bio (2017) s01e01 Episode Script

1 [BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[SIGHS.]
[TIRES SCREECHING.]
- [HORN BLARES.]
- Hey, watch out! Are you crazy? You almost killed me! - Oh, that was crazy, huh? - What were you doing? - Yeah, so sorry to scare you.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Where you going? Where you going? I thought you wanted to talk.
Huh, you were talking before, man.
- What happened? - [GASPS.]
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
All right, everybody, let's go ahead and start to shut up now.
Let's go ahead and start to settle into your seats and begin shutting your mouths.
All rights, so my name [GRUNTS.]
My name's Jack Griffin.
And I don't wanna be here.
I am an award-winning philosophy scholar, who for reasons I won't go in to finds himself with a free year.
So I'm living in my dead mom's apartment here in Toledo while killing a little bit of time teaching Advanced Placement Biology.
But here's the deal, I do not care about biology.
We're not gonna do any biology in here.
And to be perfectly clear, this won't be one of those things where over the course of a year I secretly teach it to you.
This also won't be one of those things where I end up learning more from you than you do from me.
I know more than all of you combined, so, ha, that doesn't make any sense.
I'm gonna spend the majority of my time mentally breaking my nemesis with the ultimate goal of taking his job as the head of Stanford Philosophy and then I'm gonna have sex with as many women as I possibly can throughout the entire state of California.
But you don't need to concern yourselves with that.
Uh, let's see.
Feel like I might be forgetting something.
"Mentally breaking my nemesis, "sex with every woman in California.
" No, that was it.
Welcome to AP Bio.
[RAMONES' "LISTEN TO MY HEART".]
One, two, three, four! Next time I'll listen to my heart Next time well I'll be smart Absolute garbage.
Put 'em down.
Look, I realize you guys are all nerds and you want good GPAs, all right? Is that what's going on here? I'll make you a deal.
If you tell anybody I'm not teaching you biology, you get an F.
If you keep your mouth shut, you get an A-plus.
Look at it this way.
You guys are all tired teens.
This is gonna be your opportunity to take a nap.
And if you're not tired, pop an Advil PM, and you will be out, trust me.
What are you doing? Come on, put your hand down.
I'm serious.
You're months away from being an adult, and you need to start acting like one.
Just talk.
My name is Sarika Sarkar, and I speak on behalf of the entire student body when I express our extreme displeasure in you not teaching us biology.
I'm sorry, could you say it again? I believe I speak on behalf No, no, not that junk.
Your name.
Oh, Sarika Sarkar.
That's a great name.
I love the philosopher Prabhat Sarkar.
The entire universe exists within the cosmic mind.
What are you guys doing? Don't write that down.
That's not me teaching you stuff.
Who's this prince of darkness? This your book? - - Yeah? So? - [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Mr.
Griffin? I think you're in trouble.
Could we, uh Could I talk to you out here for a second? Uh-huh.
[GENTLE MUSIC.]
Could I get a new chair? A new cha well, I don't know if that's in our budget.
- It's fine, forget it.
- Okay.
Forget it.
What's up? - What's up? - Um Is it laundry day or What's that supposed to mean, man? I probably forgot to tell you, we sort of have a bit of a dress code here, so Hey, look, Ralph, I want to wear sweatpants.
You want to say that your school's got a former Harvard professor teaching at it, right? Looks good for your school, right? Okay, please, I wasn't trying to be aggressive here.
Right, but what you said to me right now, it sucked.
- Okay.
- You know, the worst part is I was starting to like you, man.
You know, like in a buds who get drinks once a week kind of a way.
Well, that's that's us.
- We could still do that.
- I don't know.
I you know what, I think you're just blowing this thing out of proportion.
Because I'm a laidback principal.
You know, they make me wear this suit.
I don't want to dress this sharp every day, but I have to 'cause I'm an authority figure, but I'm still laidback, and you're gonna see that.
You know what, let's forget the whole thing.
- Come here.
- All right, I I - Come here.
- [LAUGHS.]
That's my guy.
Do you still wanna get that beer tonight or No.
No, no, no.
See, I'm trying to make a plan to bang my high school ex as hard as I can, you know what I'm saying? Let's use our hallway voice when we talk about that.
Yes, I'm trying to set that up.
- All right.
- Okay.
All right.
You wrecked the sign.
That's why I came here to It's too late, Ralph, It's too late.
Uh, let's see a hall pass.
You were holding it, okay.
["I AM A PILGRIM" PLAYS.]
I am a pilgrim And a stranger Travelling through I am a pilgrim And a stranger Travelling through This weary land - [LINE RINGS.]
- Hello.
Miles, it's Jack.
Jack, greetings from California.
Yeah, I heard you got the Stanford job.
Also, congrats on the new book making the bestseller list.
I'm sure you'll keep killing everything, barring some sort of - mental collapse.
- [LAUGHS.]
Hey, look, I think forcing you out of Harvard - was an overreaction.
- I'm sure there's tons of schools dying to snag you.
Yeah, no, big time.
Yeah, I'm just kind of weighing all my options.
Look, Miles, I gotta run.
Okay.
All right, mate.
Hey, listen, next time you're out west, okay? Jack? Didn't drop at all.
Well I got a home in That yonder city My lord And it's not Good lordy well it's not Not made by hand, oh yes Yo, that's a nice backpack, freak.
Give me your backpack, psycho.
Hey, did you hear me? You deaf or something? Give me your back Where you going? Come here.
[INTENSE MUSIC.]
Okay, so it was crazy, right? So then my date shows up to my house in a soaking wet T-shirt, talking about something he just got out of the bath.
Now what kinda grown baby man still takes baths? See, that's what I said.
It's like, who is this? My husband takes baths.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Okay, so anyway, the date was at a full medium, and he has the nerve to text me, like, ten minutes ago, talking about some, "Do a butt pic.
" - Huh? - Okay, he sounds like a jerk.
But do you want us to take a pic of your butt? No, no, no, no, 'cause see, this is how I do it.
Okay, so now the dumb ones don't know that this is an arm butt.
- Hmm.
- So then I take this.
And I just go ahead and just line that up.
Let that focus a little bit.
There we go.
Little juicy cheeks.
- That looks like a crack.
- Juicy, okay.
See the new guy knows what's up.
- It's Jack, right? From Harvard? - Yeah.
Ooh, Harvard Jack.
All right, well, have you been out on any dates lately? Funny you should ask, I've actually got firm plans to bang my high school ex as hard as I can tonight, so Oh, he's gonna bang her as hard as he can tonight.
Not regular hard.
Aggressively hard.
So it seems like you're enjoying yourself here? God no.
I'm teaching high school in Toledo.
It's terrible.
Anyways, guess what I'm making the kids do - in my class today.
- BOTH: What? They have to draw a flattering picture of me and then give it to their dads.
Ooh, yes, you know what I tell my kids.
Okay, 'cause you know how we're learning - about recycling, right? - Mm-hmm.
I just made them clean the trash out the backseat of my car.
Snatch that plastic and recycle it.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Are you saying we can make the kids do whatever we want? - Mm-hmm.
- BOTH: Yeah.
[BELL RINGS.]
- This better work.
- Always does.
All right, everybody, go ahead and start to shut your mouths.
Settle into your chairs.
Oh, oh, God! This chair sucks.
Okay, listen up.
No, you listen up.
You don't wanna teach us biology And we know you used to teach philosophy Well we think biology Whoa, whoa, shut up, shut up, shut up, no, no, no.
Stop.
Turn the music off.
Turn it off.
Oh yeah [MUSIC STOPS.]
Take your seats.
What are you, nuts? Don't ever surprise me with a rap.
Don't ever rap about learning.
- [COUGHING.]
- Oh, boy.
Oh, no.
You had a saxophone solo in your rap? Yeah.
That's too bad.
Why don't you come on out of there, big guy.
Wanna toss that puppy in the trash for me? - Yeah.
- Good.
Saxophones do not belong in rap music.
You were gonna make it rain, huh? Wet notebooks part of the rap thing? No.
All right.
Now look, I realize I haven't been making the most of your time, but that is gonna start to change as of right now.
As I mentioned, I've been trying to mentally break my nemesis, Miles Leonard.
He currently has the job that is rightfully mine, and I want it back.
He seems to be winning at the moment, but by the time we're done with him, he's gonna be in a loony bin begging for death.
Don't you think you'd have a better chance of getting the job if you focused on working hard as opposed to trying to make him go crazy? No, you see my actions are justified because they produce a better outcome than any other action in this particular case.
It's a basic philosophy, act utilitarianism, Jeremy Bentham.
Stop writing that down.
Now I happen to know that Miles is currently single.
So your assignment for today is to catfish him on his Facebook page.
[CHUCKLES.]
What are you guys waiting for? Catfish! Write a flirty Facebook message, you know, using a fake name.
You call yourself, like, Linda, and we'll send the best one to Miles.
All right, look, at this point you guys should all be catfishing or dead asleep.
So if you Google Jack Griffin, the first ten results are this video.
"Old dude handles slightly less old dude.
" [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- Whoa.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [GROANS.]
- Okay, everybody, begin to shut up.
Let's everyone shut your mouths now and settle into your chairs.
All right, let's hear some of these catfish messages.
- You wanna start? - Please no.
All right.
Prince of Darkness, I see you working on something over there.
What you got? "Dear Miles, you don't know me but you will.
"We will marry under the black sun of Satan's breath.
"I'll be the final face you see "as I wrap my hands around your neck and suck your soul into my mouth.
" Wow, somebody alert the authorities.
You know what I mean? No, I'm kidding, I'm joking.
It's great, really.
It's very descriptive.
You know, maybe just make it a little bit more, uh, female.
You know? All right, you.
I want to hear something from you.
- "Hey, boy, you're" - Louder.
"Hey, boy, you're smooth "like butter dripping off of chocolate.
"Gonna lick you up and down.
"Drip, slurp, yum.
Give me that sweet wet sugar mess.
" Hmm, no.
Let's do keep in mind that this will be the first message that Miles will be hearing from a total stranger, but, you know, it's a great start.
Good.
- Mr.
Griffin.
- Oh! Ralph, you snuck up on me.
Yeah, uh, I put in your request for the new chair, and so that's in front of the board now.
Okay, great, well, let me know how they vote, all right? - This is biology? - Oh, absolutely.
Sugar mess? Yeah, we're in the middle of it.
Take care now.
Whoa, look at the Prince of D going strong over there.
Give us another snippet.
"And fire and blood will pour from my eyes "as I gaze upon your ravaged body.
By the way, I am a female demon.
" I see a lot of myself in you.
You are going places, Devin.
You guys are pretty good at this.
You having fun? - ALL: Yeah.
- All right, who's next? [CLEARS THROAT.]
"Dear Miles, "I want to make you blush, make you feel safe.
"I want to lay next to you and laugh until we cry.
"I want to grow old together, and when we're old we'll say, 'I don't mind because I have you.
'" [GENTLE MUSIC.]
That's what I'm talking about, guys.
Give it up, give it up.
All right, let's go home.
But we have other classes.
All right, whatever.
So that pretty much catches you up to speed on what I've been up to since we broke up.
Um, you skipped a part, Jack.
Did I? Well, I heard that you got passed up for tenure, and now no university will touch you.
I also heard that a very old guy got you in some kind of a choke hold.
How'd I skip that part? That's the juicy part.
What do you say we go back to your place after this? My boyfriend is finishing his rounds in an hour at the hospital, and I'm gonna actually meet up with him.
You should.
Yeah, no, that's, uh [AGGRESSIVE ROCK MUSIC.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Damn it! - Ugh! - [PHONE CHIMES.]
- - Oh, damn it! God! Agh! Okay, class, um, Mr.
Griffin is not coming in today.
According to the note we got, he has been put in prison, but, quote, not for life.
Coach Novak.
Textbooks out.
What? Welcome.
My name is Sarika Sarkar.
Wait, what's your name? Sarika Sarkar.
Like the philosopher.
I'm gonna call you Sarah, all right? Can anyone tell me where you're at? We are - Ten pushups.
- Say what now? 20.
You owe me ten pushups for every time you spoke without raising your hand.
Okay.
What the hell is this puddle? Get a mop to dry that up then go to the principal and say you need a Saturday detention.
Okay, bio-logy.
You with the glasses, read.
ALL: "The cell is the basic structural" All right, thanks, man.
I got it from here.
Appreciate it.
Listen, I've never begun a class and not finished it before.
Good for you.
I go from bell to bell.
It's cool, man.
I got it from here though, seriously.
Okay, let me catch you guys up.
So last night I found out my nemesis Miles got a MacArthur Genius Grant just after my ex turned my down for sex.
So I got angry, I got very drunk, and I went pee-pee on the hospital where she works.
A police officer suggested that I stop.
I suggested that he pleasure me sexually.
He did not.
Instead, he hurt my arm, and I went to jail.
So that catches you guys up to speed.
Why don't we get back to work on destroying Miles' sanity.
Yeah, hang on.
Hey, Ralph, Devin.
You guys hang out? No, Devin got himself arrested earlier.
They got him on public urination and resisting arrest.
What? No way, they literally got me for that same thing last night.
It's quotas.
Yeah, turns out Devin went potty on the house of a boy who is bullying him.
I was literally telling the kids today how I did a very similar thing.
Ah.
Oh, crap.
All right, so this bully kid.
He's been throwing your backpack in the water and stuff like that for how long? Um, maybe a year.
A year? And you didn't know any of this? That doesn't look great for you, bud.
But you know what, I think we've all learned a valuable lesson here, and we can definitely move on.
Ralph, give me one of those big-ass hugs.
No, I no, I don't want to hug right now.
I think you need to step up and talk to him.
Any other principal would have fired you and expelled you.
All right, but I'm laidback, but right now you two are making it very hard for me to be laidback! Very authoritative, I like that.
I've not seen that gear from you.
- I like it.
- Thank you.
Uh, listen, Ralph, can you give Devin and I - a minute alone? - Yes, yes, of course.
- Oh, I'm going up? - Give it a sec.
- Okay.
- I did it.
All right, so look, I haven't done a lot of these talks.
I don't have kids.
I've always been pretty good about using condoms, you know? Even though I hate the damn things.
You can't feel as much.
All right, look, here's the deal.
I want to be open and honest with you kids in class, okay? But if it's gonna start getting us all in trouble, then I'm gonna have to start acting like all the other teachers.
See what I'm saying? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
So next time you're thinking about, like, imitating me or doing anything extreme in general, why don't you go ahead and run it by me first, deal? Yeah.
- Great.
- Hey, I'm still up here! Ready to come down.
This is gonna sound crazy.
- I think I see a raccoon.
- No, there's It's not crazy.
There's one up there.
[THE MODERN LOVERS' "GOVERNMENT CENTER" PLAYS.]
Well we've got a lot a lot a lot of hard work today We gotta rock at the government center Now I'm wondering if all the times my husband sent me pictures of his butt, it was really his arm.
Wait, your husband sent you butt pics? - Yeah.
- What's it look like? - Okay, I don't wanna know.
- There's a muscle - Oh, look who it is.
- Oh, look you.
Big man in a big chair.
Yeah, it's a massage chair.
Hmm, well, I like it.
It's like nice, soft, supple leather.
Yeah, it's pretty comfy.
Listen, ladies, I have a little bit of a school issue that I could use your help with.
What do you do when one of the students - is bullying another one? - Oh, oh, that's easy.
Okay, so you want to keep them around each other constantly.
- Oh, yes, that totally works.
- Mm-hmm.
That's actually how we all became friends.
'Cause Stef and I would bully Michelle, naturally, and then Principal Durbin started forcing us to hang out with one another.
- Mm - hmm, I would take one bite out of all of her food in the fridge.
And I would sneak a few bites as well.
Yes, she did.
Then one time I set her purse on fire.
Whoo.
I lost a lot of cash.
I lost a hundred bucks.
Hmm.
Well, so so keep the kids together? - Mm-hmm.
- Interesting.
Yeah, it's a little unorthodox, but that's actually really smart.
Oh, it's actually really smart? Wow, thank you for believing in us.
Okay, all right, all right.
Come on, that's not what I meant.
We've all read a book, just want to put that out there.
- Even Michelle.
- Yep.
That's enough.
I gotta get to my class.
Thank you very much.
I appreciate it.
- You're welcome.
- Be careful.
Gonna give him one more minute.
He'll be here or else.
Or else what? I don't know.
All right, come on.
Get in there, you.
Go, go.
Hey, everybody.
What's up, Ralph? This is Dan Decker.
I'm adding him to AP Bio.
- I don't wanna be - Shut up! Go sit next to Devin, go.
You, can you Yeah, thanks.
Go, scoot.
Does his guidance counselor know about this? You're not the boss of me.
That's literally my job description.
All right, listen up.
Some things are gonna change around here big time.
None of you guys are gonna pick on each other or I'll kick your ass.
I will literally beat you up with my adult muscles.
And if I go and do something dumb, that doesn't mean you can go and do it too.
Now let me hear you say that back.
We can't pick on each other or else you'll beat us up with your adult muscles and [OVERLAPPING TALKING.]
just because you do something dumb doesn't mean