A Tale Dark & Grimm (2021) s01e01 Episode Script

1
[clunking, whirring]
[thuds]
[whooshing]
[pleasant fairy tale music plays]
[William] Once upon a time,
fairy tales were awesome.
We know, you don't believe us.
You think fairy tales are cute
and pink and full of fairies.
[chitters]
-[whacks]
-Well, they're not.
-Real fairy tales are scary.
-[thuds]
-[adventurous music plays]
-[cawing]
Follow two children
as they venture off into a dark tale.
-A scary tale.
-[barking]
-A strange tale.
-[howls]
[roars]
-[shrieks]
-A… Wait a minute.
Are you even old enough for this?
-[thudding]
-You really think you can handle it?
[demons chuckle, gibber]
-[music rising]
-[sizzles, bubbles]
You've been warned.
Don't blame me if you can't sleep tonight.
All right then, you're weird.
You might as well settle in.
It's time for A Tale Dark and Grimm.
I don't know.
So far the story is not that awesome.
Come on, he hasn't even started yet.
Let's dive right in, shall we?
[clears throat]
Once upon a time,
in the kingdom of Grimm,
there were two children…
-[gentle music playing]
-[indistinct conversations]
[William] Hansel…
Come out, come out, wherever you are.
Gotcha!
Huh.
-[girl] Boo!
-[screams]
Ah! [grunts]
…and Gretel.
[giggles]
[both giggle]
You probably think you know their story.
I don't think you do. Not the real story.
-Never heard of them.
-They lived with their mother, the Queen…
Story time.
…and their father, the King.
I'm the dragon!
[roars playfully]
[William] Their parents
loved them very much.
They were a happy, little family.
Until the dragon came.
[both laugh]
I'll protect you.
-[king roars]
-[yelps]
Don't worry, it's only a story.
[both yawn]
[queen] When the darkness opens wide ♪
Swallowing up the sun inside ♪
-[crows cawing]
-Dabbled stars, they prick the sky ♪
Blanket on which the moon will lie ♪
[William] Which is why
it was fairly surprising…
[mischievous music plays]
…when their father cut off their heads.
Whoa, whoa! You can't tell
that part of the story, William.
There are kids out there.
I mean, look at that one over there.
How old could you be? Seven?
How else is he gonna learn
what's inside a person's neck?
[whispers] It's mostly blood.
[chuckles] We're gonna show it.
Tastefully!
-[boing]
-[thud]
[shrieks with laughter]
Aha! Ha!
Ha! Ah.
-What? Too soon?
-[clears throat]
You might think that this was the end
of the tale of Hansel and Gretel.
-In fact, it was just the beginning.
-[sniffling] Is this really going to work?
It will. It has to!
-And… done.
-[twangs, tinkles]
So, up and at 'em.
[clapping encouragingly]
-Oh.
-Here you go.
-[gasps softly] Oh…
-Gretel? Hansel? Please!
Oh, how could we ever have
believed this would bring them back?
[cries] What have we done?
-[both scream]
-[tinkling]
-What?
-[shudders]
-[gasping]
-[both] Ah!
[both scream]
-[both panting]
-Phew. [pants]
Children, you're…
awake!
[hesitantly] So, who wants chocolate cake?
[whimpers]
[both chuckle awkwardly]
-I guess a slice would be--
-[chuckles nervously]
No, thank you, Father.
-But Gretel…
-[yawns]
We're very tired, and also we don't
remember what happened just now,
in case you were wondering.
-I think we'll just go to bed.
-I'm not tired.
-Good night. Love you guys. Sleep well.
-[muffled]
[chuckles nervously]
-It worked. It really worked.
-Do you think they noticed anything?
-Hurry, Hansel.
-[panting]
We have to get out of here.
[dramatic music playing]
-[grunts]
-Why would they do that?
Don't they love us anymore?
You don't cut off the heads
of things you love.
[sniffling] You do with flowers.
We must have done something bad.
-[gentle music playing]
-Something really bad.
This isn't because of us.
It's them. They're awful, evil!
[sobs]
Parents shouldn't slay their children.
Not even once.
I-- I shouldn't even have to say that.
[sniffling, crying]
[sobs, sniffles]
[exhales sharply]
Hansel, we have to get out of here.
But where are we gonna go?
I don't know,
but we'll figure it out, together.
Will it be an adventure?
-[upbeat music plays]
-That I can promise.
And don't worry,
I will always protect my little brother.
No.
-I'll protect you.
-[heroic music plays]
And I'm not your little brother.
You're only two minutes older than me.
Almost three.
Do you trust me?
Let's do it.
-[both] Adventure!
-[door knob rattling]
-[Hansel gasps] Oh, no.
-[Gretel] They're coming. Come! Quick!
-[knob rattling]
-[sinister sting]
Rug! Now!
-[man grunts, thuds]
-Come on.
-[dramatic music plays]
-[grunts, yelps]
-[both] Ah!
-What did you tie the other end to?
-[gasps]
-[scraping]
[Hansel] Whoa.
Whoa. [both grunt]
-[clangs]
-[birds tweeting]
[thuds softly]
This… is going to be fine.
-[thud]
-[sinister music plays]
Who's that weirdo?
Why is he wearing a cloak? [squawks]
This is supposed to be…
-[dramatically] …mysterious.
-[intriguing music plays]
Scared and confused,
Hansel and Gretel made their way
through the quiet village.
[crickets chirping]
[children laughing]
[sentimental music plays]
Gretel, what are we gonna do?
Trust me.
I have a plan.
We are going to find
better parents, perfect parents.
Like ones who won't kill us so much?
Exactly.
Okay, you know that woman
who delivers bread to the castle?
The one who always
gives us chocolate cake?
Mrs. Baker?
I was thinking
she'd make a perfect new mother.
Yeah. Chocolate cake is like love.
Mom and Dad
used to give us chocolate cake.
-Do you think they still loved us then?
-I don't know, Hansel. [sighs] Now, look…
Mrs. Baker lives right here.
Uh, what's this we have to go through?
[Gretel] It says, "deep dark woods."
[both whimper]
-[bats screeching]
-[wolves howl]
[howl echoes]
Maybe we should go back home.
If we just knew why Mom and Dad
did what they did, maybe--
Hansel, do you really want
to get your head cut off again?
Just do what I do.
Take all your feelings
and put them in a box.
-Lock and bury it and set fire to it.
-What?
-Okay.
-Never think about them again.
How can I set fire
to the box after I buried it?
Hansel! We are going to find
the perfect parents whatever it takes.
And then…
[melancholy music plays]
Mom and Dad will be sorry.
Let's go. Stay close.
[gulps]
[whimpering] Uh… Uh…
[whimpering]
[William] And so
Hansel and Gretel made their way
through the deep dark woods
-to find the perfect family.
-[ominous music plays]
[whimpers]
[raspy, whooshing voice] One of us.
[stammers] Who's there?
[whimpers] I'm armed!
-[whimpers] Ah!
-[raspy voice] One of us.
D-did you hear that?
It's-- It's just the wind.
Wait!
-[bats shrieking]
-[screams] Bats!
[whimpers, yelps]
They're in my hair! Get them off me!
Shoo! Get out of here.
Gross. One of them kissed me! [splutters]
[spits]
Okay, we have to find somewhere
we can rest for the night.
It's too dark to go on.
-[whooshing sound]
-[whimpers]
-[magical tinkling]
-Look. It's glowing.
Whoa.
[gasps]
This is crazy!
Sewing someone's head back on
should not bring them back to life.
It's some kind of magic thread.
Modern medicine is amazing.
[yawning]
Gretel, I have a bad feeling
about this place.
[owl hoots]
Just a thought, instead of resting,
we could keep walking forever and ever
and please, please not stop
in the deep dark woods.
-No. We need rest.
-[gentle music plays]
And Hansel, I know you can keep me safe.
-[wolves howl]
-[gasps]
-Okay, I can do this.
-[snoring]
Yeah.
All I've gotta do
is keep my eyes wide open…
[yawning] …all night long.
[snoring]
[whooshing]
[raspy, whooshing voice] One of us.
[ominous music plays]
[snarling]
Wolves.
[wolves snarling]
[Hansel whimpers]
[gasps] Gretel? Gretel?
[sleepy mumbling]
Would you rather die
awake or in your sleep?
Why would you ask?
[gasps]
[softly] In my sleep.
Too late!
[sizzles, whooshes]
[barks]
-Stay back! Stay back!
-[wolves whine]
Take this!
I'm sorry I got us into this!
If I have to die again,
I'm glad it's with you.
Wait, did that sound like
I'm glad you're dying?
I wasn't paying attention!
Stay away! I'm warning you!
[inhales, blows]
Uh-oh.
-[both] Run!
-[suspenseful music plays]
-[panting]
-[grunts]
[snarls in surprise, growls]
-[both panting]
-[wolves barking]
[adventurous music plays]
[panting] That way!
[barking continues]
-[whips]
-[wolves whining]
[yelps, whimpers]
-[suspenseful music plays]
-[both whimper]
We gotta get across.
[grunts]
[screams]
I can't do it! I can't do it!
-You have to. Take my hand!
-[wolves barking]
[yelps]
[whimpering]
-[whimpering]
-[barks]
[wolves bark, growl]
[grunts]
[whimpering]
[grunts]
[barks, snarls]
-Come on!
-[whimpers]
-[snarling]
-[straining] Help me!
[both straining]
[both straining]
[both grunt]
[whimpers]
-[both] Ha-ha!
-[distant thud]
-[snarling]
-Oh no.
-[Gretel whimpering]
-[growling]
-Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
-Ah!
-[both yelp]
-[whines]
[heroic music plays]
Bad day to be a wolf.
[whines]
[grunts]
-[wolves whine]
-[man] Hmm.
-Wow!
-[chuckles] You two all right?
Those wolves will take a piece of you
if you give 'em half a chance.
Here. You must be freezin'.
-Thank you.
-Thanks.
Sir? We're looking for a Mrs. Baker.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, her cottage
is a day's walk that way.
You can't miss it.
Uh, are you two kids alone?
I'm only asking 'cause you look
like you need a place to stay.
We've got plenty of room
on the farm for the both of you
and plenty of turnips.
[whispers] Hansel, a turnip farmer.
Or a cake baker.
[chomps, munching]
[both] We have a winner.
-No, thank you, sir.
-But we appreciate your help.
Oh, that's too bad.
[munching]
We'll be there, if you change your minds.
Yee!
Thanks. Bye.
See ya.
[whimsical music plays]
Hansel and Gretel continued on
unaware that they were being followed by
-him.
-[sinister music plays]
[clatters]
A day later,
Hansel and Gretel emerged from the forest
exhausted and hungrier
than they had ever been in their lives.
[Hansel] Mmm!
You want some turnip sack?
The sweaty part is salty and good.
[munching]
[gasps]
[dramatic sting]
[chewing] Mm-mm-mmm!
Hansel, are you seeing what I'm seeing?
-[exciting music builds]
-Is that… a cake-house?
I'm going to find out.
With my mouth!
[laughs] Yeah! [chomps]
[both laugh]
-Mmm.
-[chomps]
Mmm. Mmm.
Ha-ha!
[grunts]
-Mmm. Mmm.
-[clanking thud]
Children!
[exciting sting]
[laughing]
-Oh, I just love…
-[whimsical music plays]
-…children!
-[knife whooshes]
-[both scream]
-[Mrs. Baker cackling]
-[pleasant music plays]
-Try the fence, my widdle sugar-puffs.
-It's peppermint candy cane!
-[kids chuckle in relief]
Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.
Thank you, ma'am. I'm sorry we screamed.
-We thought you were gonna chop us up.
-Hansel!
Chop you up? Why?
[chuckles]
I love children.
-They're so… sweet.
-[suspenseful music plays]
Oh, give me a break.
I know we're doing
a "Is she nice or is she evil?" thing,
but come on!
Everyone knows this story.
She's a witch who eats children.
What's wrong with that?
Children are so sweet and juicy.
She's not a witch.
She is a perfectly ordinary woman
who eats children.
You see, once she had a child of her own.
And she did what parents so often do…
Oh… [kisses]
…look at you, you are so sweet.
But she took it just a little bit farther.
I could just eat you right up,
yes, I could. [kissing]
-Ooh, oh, I could… just eat you up.
-[tense music plays]
[slurps]
Thus, her beloved child
became several rather delicious pies.
And once you've developed
a taste for children…
[clangs]
-[whimsical music plays]
-[clunking]
[boinging]
[rattling]
[whooshing]
[bubbling]
[rattling]
[clacking softly]
…it's a hard habit to give up.
[munches]
[music ends]
Come in, sweet ones. Come, come, come.
Stay for dinner.
-Stay as long as you like.
-[hopeful music plays]
Stay forever.
[laughs] Sit.
Let me bring you a little snack.
You must be hungry.
What brings you to my little cottage,
my sweethearts?
Our parents chopped our heads off.
-[clattering]
-Really? How inconsiderate. Ha!
We're looking for the perfect family.
Or at least one that won't kill us.
And will let us eat chocolate cake
whenever we want.
And never make us do chores.
Well, I have some…
[in sing-song] …cake for you now!
And just about everything
you could ever desire.
How's that for a happily ever after?
[laughs]
Ma'am, may we eat like animals?
You do you, baby.
[clinks]
-[both munching]
-[upbeat music plays]
[William] Hansel and Gretel had found
something to replace their parents' love:
food.
-[slurps]
-Really just a lot of food.
-Eat up.
-[both] Mmm.
This. That. Some of this.
Some of that. Eat my sweets.
-[chuckles]
-[yawns] This is very good cake. [groans]
[sleepily] Mmm. Yeah.
She must really love us, right?
Yeah.
[chomps]
Remember when Mom and Dad
played hide-and-seek with us?
[gulps] Do you think
they still loved us then?
I don't know, Hansel.
We have Mrs. Baker now.
Everything is fine.
Here you go, my sugar plums.
Eat those pies up…
And get nice and plump and juicy ♪
Ya-da ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
Chubby, chubby kids ♪
-Ooh! [grunts]
-[munching]
[clattering]
[snoring]
Oh, look at my sweepy widdle muffins.
Come, I have a lovely room ready for you
with great, soft beds.
[unsettling music plays]
[children sigh]
Good night, sleep tight.
Don't let the bed bugs bite.
Not until you're…
ripe.
-[slams door]
-[music ends]
We did it, Hansel.
-[beds creaking]
-We found the perfect family.
[yawns]
[slurring] And she's so pretty.
I love her so much.
[thuds]
[clatters]
How come is the closet
full of children's shoes?
Eh… Kids are always losing things.
That one has a foot in it.
-[chuckles] A little foot leg.
-[ominous sting]
[chuckles] Don't worry about it.
[slurring] It's fine.
My plan worked perfect
and everything's fine.
[hiccups, snores]
If you say so.
[yawns]
Good night. [snores]
-[rooster crowing]
-[yawns]
Wakey wakey.
-Foody-oot. Food, food.
-[sleepy mumbling]
Nom nom nom nom. [chuckles]
-Yay!
-Food!
-[both munching]
-Mmm. Yes. Eat up, little piggies, eat up!
Those ham hocks
ain't gonna fatten themselves. [chuckles]
[grunts]
[William] Digesting so much food
took a lot of energy.
After a while this left very little energy
for Hansel and Gretel's brains.
[snoring]
That was when Mrs. Baker decided…
-[dramatic sting]
-…they were ripe.
[chuckles]
[snoring]
[in sing-song] Oh, Hansel.
Is that you, food?
I need your help
in the kitchen, honey pie.
-Okay.
-[suspenseful music plays]
-There's food there, right?
-[Mrs. Baker] Uh-huh. Yeah.
[creaks]
Be a lamb and get in the oven
and tell me when it's hot enough
to bake you and your sister, will you?
-[ominous music plays]
-There's a widdle boofy-woops.
How will I know when it's hot enough?
[chuckles]
You'll die.
[slams oven shut]
Oh.
-Hey.
-[Mrs. Baker] Yes?
If I'm dead,
how will I tell you it's hot enough?
[Mrs. Baker] I'll smell you cooking.
M'kay.
-[Mrs. Baker humming]
-[flames whoosh]
-Whew, boy, whew.
-[hot air hisses]
-[sizzling]
-[sniffing]
Wow. Something smells delicious.
[sniffing]
Huh.
It's me that smells delicious.
[sniffs]
[sizzles]
Oh, it's just you, pocket pork chop.
[sizzles]
Wait a second.
Dying is bad!
No! Hot, hot, hot, hot!
[sizzles]
Ow!
How are you doing in there,
my widdle dumpwing?
Uh-- Uh, just fine. Nearly done now.
[sniffing]
I don't smell you yet!
[William] Hansel hardly
had any brainpower left.
But he had just enough to trick Mrs. Baker
into opening the oven door.
[sniffing]
There it is.
My dear little piggie.
Oink, oink. [chuckles]
[bubbling]
-Huh?
-[heroic music plays]
-Heads up! Ha! Get baked!
-[screams]
[Mrs. Baker] No! No!
-[suspenseful music plays]
-You ungrateful little swine!
-Gretel, wake up! We have to go!
-[groans]
Food?
-She tried to cook me! We have to go!
-Wait. What's going on?
-[both yell]
-[sizzling]
Oven… doors… don't… lock!
[yells]
-[both scream]
-[knife whooshes]
[cackles]
[gentle music plays]
Sweeties!
Hansel?
Hansel!
Do you really want to know
when your parents stopped loving you?
The answer is quite simple.
[inhales] Obvious, really.
[music swells]
They never loved you. Never. Never. Never.
You know it's true.
[music fades]
[sniffles]
-Ah! Ha-ha!
-[grunts]
-Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom!
-[dramatic music plays]
Eat this! [grunts]
-Oh! Agh! Whoa!
-[both gasp]
Agh!
[screams]
[ripping sound]
-[both gasp]
-Um, maybe she's okay?
-Uh…
-Maybe she's okay. [chuckles]
[dramatic sting]
[gasps] Oh, she is not okay.
[both scream]
Mmm. Candy canes never looked so good.
Would you please just…
[sighs] Forget it.
Can we just check in on the children
who are watching this right now?
Are you guys all okay out there?
How about that little kid? You.
You're still here?
A woman just got impaled
on a peppermint stick.
Why would he not leave?
I give up.
I like that kid.
And so Hansel and Gretel got far away
from that place as quickly as they could.
-[adventurous music plays]
-[panting]
It's true, isn't it?
Mom and Dad never loved us.
But that means we did the right thing.
We just didn't pick the right parent.
That's the reason my plan didn't work.
-[hopeful music playing]
-We need someone more down to earth.
[gasps] Like that farmer!
Nothing's more down to earth than turnips.
We can do this.
We can find a better family.
A perfect family. Are you with me?
We're never going back.
It's you and me forever.
[cheerful music plays]
[sinister music plays]
[whooshing]
-[whimsical violin music plays]
-[laughs, inhales] Hello.
We meet again.
[groans] Unfortunately.
[sniffs]
Two children were here,
two unusual children.
They are mine.
[laughs] Oh, you can have them, for now.
That's not what I'm here for.
Oh, yes, you should carry on.
Ta-ta.
Have a fantabulous trip.
[chuckles]
[in ghostly voice] Um, hello? H-- Hello?
So, wait.
-What's going on here?
-[whooshes]
Nothing good.
Me? Wait, no.
But I'm-- But I'm not ripe yet.
No. But you are done.
-[whooshes]
-Ha.
Ooh!
Nailed it.
-[whooshes]
-[pleasant music plays]
[William] Under a sunny sky,
Hansel and Gretel
arrived at the turnip farm.
That farmer seemed like a no-nonsense guy.
I'm sure he'll be completely normal.
Not weird at all.
[knocks]
Hello, children.
[sighs]
This is fine.
[music swells, ends]
[closing theme song plays]
[Hansel and Gretel]
When the darkness opens wide ♪
Swallowing up the sun inside ♪
Dappled stars, they prick the sky ♪
Blanket on which the moon will lie ♪
Why must daylight always dim? ♪
Creeping dusk, so cold and grim ♪
'Tis the blackness of the night ♪
-Teaches us how to see the light ♪
-[song fades]