Aaahh!!! Real Monsters (1994) s01e01 Episode Script

[ clock chiming, thunderclap]
[ creaking]
[ owl hooting]
[ shrieking]
[ crying]
[ gasps]
[ screaming]
GET DOWN HERE!
[Captioning sponsored
by NICKELODEON
and THE U.S. DEPARTMEN
OF EDUCATION]
[ needle scratching record]
[ chuckles]
[ crickets chirping]
HEY, NICKY, DON'
FORGET YOUR PURSE.
CUT IT OUT, JAKE,
I'M GOING TO TELL MOM.
OH, I'M SHAKING.
[ gulps]
[ burps]
[ screaming]
OPEN UP, QUICK,
THERE'S A MONSTER OUT HERE!
Jake:
NICKY
CAN YOU SAY
"BUNNY RABBIT"?
I CAN'T WAI
FOR HALLOWEEN.
I'M GOING TO SCARE
THOSE KIDS SO BAD
THEY'LL NEVER SLEEP AGAIN.
HAH!
YOU COULDN'T SCARE
YOUR OWN SHADOW.
[ screaming]
[ shadow gasps]
SATISFIED?
[ shadows snarling
and growling]
[ yelling]
I HEAR THEY THROW
ROTTEN EGGS EVERYWHERE!
YUMMY!
WHY WASTE
A PERFECTLY ROTTEN EGG?
HUMANS-- GO FIGURE.
WHAT ARE YOULOOKING AT?
SORRY.
THANKS.
DO YOU MIND?
BAD HAIR DAY.
[ high-pitched giggling]
[ deep chuckle]
[ crowd talking and laughing]
[ gasps]:
LOVELY SENTIMENT, ICKIS.
AND I DO,TOO.
[ growling]
NOW, YOU ALL KNOW TONIGH
WILL BE YOUR FIRST HALLOWEEN
[ loud cheering]
AND WE'VE BEEN PREPARING
FOR THIS GLORIOUS
NIGHT ALL YEAR.
A NIGHT OF MISCHIEF
[ crowd cheering]
A NIGHT OF MAYHEM
A NIGHT OF TOTAL TERROR!
[ screaming and cackling]
QUIET!!
YOU ALSO KNOW
THE RESULTS OF LAST WEEK'S
MIDTERMS ARE IN.
AND YOU PUS-MONGERS HAVE
REALLY LET ME DOWN THIS TIME!
HOW HARD COULD IT BE
TO SCARE THE PANTS
OFF AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD?
THIS WAS ALL YOU CAME UP WITH?!
[ laughing and cackling]
I'M GLAD YOU FIND THIS
SO AMUSING.
PERHAPS YOU AND YOUR CLASSMATES
CAN ENJOY A REAL LAUGH RIO
WHILE YOU'RE SITTING
IN YOUR ROOMS TONIGHT!
BUT YOUR GROMBLENESS--
IT'S HALLOWEEN!
[ gasps]:
WHAT?
YOU THINK YOU DESERVE
TO GO OUT ON HALLOWEEN?
[ meekly]:
UH YES?
LOOKING FOR A "YES"
WRONG!
SILENCE!
[ sweetly]:
I HAVE SPOKEN.
[ harshly]:
AS FAR AS YOU
RINGWORMS ARE CONCERNED
THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS
[ sweetly]:
HALLOWEEN.
FIRST THE TOOTH
FAIRY, NOW THIS.
HALLOWEEN IS
A NATIONAL HOLIDAY.
HE CAN'T DO
THIS CAN HE?
AND JUST IN CASE ANY ONE OF YOU
IS STUPID ENOUGH TO DEFY ME
MY LITTLE FRIEND
WILL BE GUARDING
THE EXIT.
[ class muttering]
WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE HONOR SYSTEM?
DON'T BE AFRAID, MY PETS.
HE'S BEEN GIVEN
STRICT INSTRUCTIONS
NOT TO HURT A HAIR
ON YOUR HEADS.
[ hairs cheering]
HE'S SIMPLY TO CATCH YOU
AND BRING YOU TO ME.
I'LL HANDLE DISCIPLINE
WITH THREE CHOICES:
SOMETHING BAD,
SOMETHING REALLYBAD
OR YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
AFTER ALL, WHY SHOULD
HE HAVE ALL THE FUN?
WHAT ABOUT MYNEEDS?
Jake:
MOM JUST RUINED MY HALLOWEEN.
YOU CAN'T GO?
WORSE-- I GO
TO TAKE YOU.
I'LL BE GOOD, JAKE, I PROMISE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
KEEP QUIE
NO MATTER WHA
YOU SEE OR HEAR.
I WON'T SEE OR HEAR ANYTHING!
GLAD WE UNDERSTAND
EACH OTHER.
[ screaming]
[ yowling]
THE FROG AND I
ARE SLIPPING OU
THROUGH THE MAIN
DRAINAGE PIPE.
YOU GUYS WANT TO COME,
YOU CAN SLIDE BY THE FROG.
GO WITH THE FLOW.
AS APPEALING AS THAT SOUNDS
WE'LL FIND OUR OWN WAY OUT,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I HAD SOME BAD PENCILS FOR LUNCH
AND THEY'RE SITTING
IN MY STOMACH LIKE LEAD.
COME ON, ICKIS,
DON'T START THIS AGAIN.
BUT YOU HEARD
WHAT THE GROMBLE SAID.
I HEARD HIM.
I ALSO SEE
THOSE TWO
ARE GOING.
SO PENCIL BREATH
WHAT'S IT GOING TO BE?
[ taunting]:
ICKIS COULD NEVER DISOBEY
THE GROMBLE!
I COULD, TOO!
IF I HAD A RAT EVERY TIME
I DISOBEYED THE GROMBLE
I WOULD HAVE
A LOT OF RATS.
[ bugs chattering]
Ickis:
WHAT IF WE GET CAUGHT?
RELAX.
Ickis:
WHAT IF WE GET LOST?
KRUMM HAS AN EXCELLEN
SENSE OF DIRECTION.
WHAT IF IT STARTS TO RAIN
AND MY EARS FILL UP WITH WATER
AND I DROWN?
IT COULD HAPPEN.
[ doorbell rings, door opens]
Kids:
TRICK OR TREAT!
Krumm:
THEY'RE GOING TO WISH
THEY WERE BORN WITHOUT NOSES.
[ chuckling]
A SCRATCH-AND-SNIFF COSTUME!
[ sniffing]
WHOO, THAT'S NASTY!
[ growling and snarling]
HEY, TRANSFORMER!
WHERE'D YOU GE
YOUR COSTUME?
[ yelling]
LOOK AT THOSE EARS!
WHAT DO YOU DO
WHEN IT RAINS?
[ both laughing]
Girl:
WELL, SEE
YOU AROUND.
HERE, THIS LADY'S
ONLY GIVING OUT PENNIES.
THEY THOUGHT WE WERE
HUMANS IN COSTUME.
HOW HUMILIATING.
I'VE NEVER BEEN SO EMBARRASSED.
SO, UM WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
[ gobbling coins]
I COULD GO
FOR MORE COPPER-COATED TREATS.
MMM, THEY WERE AWFULLY GOOD.
WHAT DID THOSE KIDS SAY AGAIN?
Oblina:
"PICK YOUR MEAT."
IT WAS
"PRICK YOUR FEET."
I DEFINITELY HEARD "MEAT."
THAT MAKES NO SENSE,
"PICK YOUR MEAT."
"PRICK YOUR FEET"
I UNDERSTAND.
YOU KNOW, PRICK YOUR FEET.
BUT, "PICK YOUR MEAT"?
I BROUGHT TOILET PAPER
TO WIPE UP
THE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD.
DIDN'T YOU GET STUCK
WITH YOUR
LITTLE BROTHER?
OH, EXCELLENT--
NOW WE'VE GO
AN ATTACK RABBIT.
I'M A MONSTER!
HEY, DON'T LAUGH.
NICKY ACTUALLY SAW ONE
OF THESE IN THE GARBAGE.
DIDN'T YOU, NICKY?
[ all laughing]
DON'T WORRY,
HE'LL STAY OUT OF THE WAY.
SO, WE'RE AGREED.
All:
PRICK YOUR FEET!
MY, YOU CERTAINLY
ARE THE MOST
[ shouting]:
HERB, YOU WANT TO GE
OUT HERE FOR A MINUTE?
[ whispering]:
HAVE YOU EVER
SEEN SUCH THINGS?
FINALLY, SOME KIDS
WITH IMAGINATION!
WHAT ARE YOU ALL SUPPOSED TO BE?
WELL, THAT ONE'S
A CANDY CANE!
AND THAT ONE'S LIKE A
JACKRABBIT, OR SOMETHING.
AND THAT ONE
OOH, OOH
WHOO, SON-- WHATEVER YOU ARE
YOU OUGHT TO TAKE THA
COSTUME OFF AND GET SOME AIR.
THINK YOU'RE STARTING
TO ROT IN THERE.
NICE JOB ON THE COSTUMES.
HEY, THIS IS GOOD, TOO.
ESPECIALLY THE OUTSIDE.
LET'S GET SOME MORE.
All:
PRICK YOUR FEET!
PRICK YOUR FEET!
CUTE, BUT DON'T PUSH YOUR LUCK.
[ door creaks]
All:
PRICK YOUR FEET!
Boy:
VERY FUNNY.
THE PARTY'S IN THE DEN.
[ kids laughing]
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
THERE AREN'T EVEN
ANY WORMS IN THERE.
LET'S PLAY "DEAD MAN'S GAME."
EVERYBODY GET IN A CIRCLE.
NOW, WE PASS AROUND
THE GROSSEST THING
WE CAN THINK OF.
AND I'LL GO FIRST!
THE BELLY FA
OF A DECAYING MONGOOSE!
[ moist quivering]
I'VE HAD BETTER.
[ stretching and snapping]
THE PETRIFIED BOOGER
OF A TYRANNOSAURUS REX!
WOW STILL CHEWY
AFTER ALL THOSE YEARS.
HEY, I GOT ONE.
MY VERY OWN EYES.
HAVE A BALL!
[ chuckling]
WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE?
[ screaming]
[ kids screaming]
WHAT? THEY'RE
JUST EYEBALLS.
[ crickets chirping]
[ screaming kids approaching]
READY ON PATROL.
ACTION ON THE RIGHT FRONT.
PRIME ALL WEAPONRY.
ATTACK!
[ grunting]
[ grunts]
ICKIS!
COME ON!
HEY, IT'S NICKY!
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO STAY BACK.
JAKE'S GOING TO KILL YOU
WHEN HE SEES YOU HERE.
Krumm:
HEY, HOW'D YOU
BEAT US HERE?
UH
THOSE KIDS WERE VICIOUS.
I HAVE HALF A MIND
TO GO BACK
AND GIVE THEM
SOME OF THIS.
[ screams]
NOW YOU'VE DONE IT.
I GUESS THERE'S ONLY
ONE THING TO DO NOW.
[ chuckling]:
EAT MORE?
CARRY HIM BACK, GENIUS.
WE CAN'T LEAVE
HIM OUT HERE.
NEXT TIME WE'RE GOING
TO EGG YOU AND LEAVE YOU THERE.
GOT IT?
Jake:
YOU COULD HAVE
GOTTEN HURT.
MOM WOULD HAVE
GROUNDED ME FOR LIFE.
HOLD THAT THOUGHT, HUH?
COME ON, YOU CAN'
STAY IN THERE FOREVER.
WANT TO BET?
[ rumbling]
Boy:COME ON.
WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE
FOR THAT PARTY.
NICE TRY, PAL.
YOU JUST WEREN'T SCARY ENOUGH.
HEY, THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER.
HEY, NICE COSTUME.
LOVE THE EARS!
HE'S KIND OF SHORT,
BUT WHAT A BABE.
Krumm:
POOR ICKIS-- HE PRICKED
HIS FEET ONE TIME TOO MANY.
Oblina:
HALLOWEEN IS
A MAJOR HOLIDAY.
WE SHOULD HAVE
STARTED HIM OU
ON SOMETHING A LITTLE EASIER
LIKE GROUNDHOG'S DAY.
[ shouts]
[ gasps]
THIS ISN'T ICKIS!
IT'S A LITTLE BOY.
HE LOOKS
JUST LIKE ICKIS.
YOU LOOK
JUST LIKE ICKIS.
DON'T EAT ME, DON'T EAT ME!
OH, WE DON'T EAT HUMANS.
WHO KNOWS WHERE THEY'VE BEEN?
WHO'D BE LEFT TO SCARE?
ARE YOU MONSTERS?
YUP.
MONSTERS!
NICE WORK!
OF COURSE WE'RE
NOT MONSTERS.
BUT YOU'RE HAIRY AND
WEIRD-LOOKING AND SMELL BAD.
THANKS!
LOOK, I'M OBLINA,
THIS IS KRUMM.
WE DEMAND TO KNOW WHA
YOU'VE DONE WITH ICKIS.
ICKIS?
YOU KNOW--
SMALL CHAP, BIG EARS
COLOR OF A FRESH BRUISE.
DOES HE EAT GARBAGE?
THAT'S HIM!
I'VE SEEN HIM.
I MADE MY COSTUME
TO LOOK LIKE HIM.
IF YOU'RE HERE
WHEN MY BROTHER
COMES HOME WITHOUT ME
MOM'S GOING TO
GROUND HIM FOR LIFE.
I GOT IT!
YOU'RE A GENIUS.
YOU THINK ICKIS
WAS SWITCHED WITH NICKY?
MAYBE, BUT LOOK
I CAN STUFF SIX OF THESE THINGS
ON EACH SIDE OF MY MOUTH.
TRY IT!
KRUMM, WE MUST FIND ICKIS
AND RETURN THIS BOY IMMEDIATELY.
Gromble:
WELL, WELL, WELL!
AND WHAT ARE WE DOING
OUT AFTER CURFEW?
ICKIS IS SICK,
HE NEEDS SOME AIR.
SICK?
UH HE DOESN'
LOOK ILL TO ME.
IN FACT, HE LOOKS
MORE ROBUST THAN EVER.
NOW, GET BACK INSIDE
BEFORE I SEND SNORCH
TO TUCK YOU IN!
HI, ICKIS!
[ whispering]:
STAY CLOSE TO ME.
NOT THAT CLOSE.
ICKIS, HERE'S
THE RAT I OWE YOU!
FIRST, I JUST WANT TO WISH
YOU ALL A HAPPY HALLOWEEN.
[ class moaning]
OH, THAT'S RIGHT,
YOU MISSED ALL THE FUN.
HOW TERRIBLY INSENSITIVE.
AH, I JUST LOVE BEING ME.
BUT ENOUGH CHITCHAT.
LET'S TURN TO LAST WEEK'S
ASSIGNMEN
SHALL WE?
[ zapping and whirring]
[ dog whimpering]
[ boy screaming]
THAT'S ONE WAY
TO LICK THE PROBLEM.
ALL RIGHTY, LET'S SEE--
WHO WANTS TO BE NEXT?
MASTER ICKIS?
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, SIR,
YOU DON'T WANT ICKIS.
OH? AND WHY NOT?
WELL, TO BE HONES
ICKIS HASN'T BEEN
ACTING LIKE HIMSELF.
LATELY HE'S BEEN
JUST A TAD
[ clanking and zapping]
[ Nicky screaming,
cat screeching]
SPLENDID, ICKIS!
GOOD HANG TIME.
GO AHEAD
EAT IT.
[ slurping]
HE'S TRYING TO CUT DOWN.
BREAK TIME!
BREAK'S OVER!
[ class gasps]
NOW, I HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE
THAT SOME OF YOU HANGNAILED
LITTLE SNEAKS WERE OU
LAST NIGHT.
NOW
DEAR
WAS IT YOU?
NO, YOUR GROMBLENESS,
I WOULD NEVER--
ENOUGH!
APPARENTLY
EVERYONE
CHICKENED OU
LAST NIGH
EXCEPT ME!
OH, AND YOU, TOO.
THE GROMBLE'S GOING
TO BITE OUR HEADS OFF.
YOU SAID MONSTERS
DON'T EAT HUMANS.
I NEVER SAID
WE DON'T EA
OTHER MONSTERS.
MAKE NO MISTAKE
I WILL FIND OUT WHO
DISOBEYED ME, AND WHEN I DO
Woman:
COME ON, GUYS, I SAID BREAKFAST!
GET OUT OF THERE NOW
OR I'LL GIVE YOU
A BROOM HANDLE SANDWICH.
[ loud snap]
MOM, NICKY BROKE THE BROOM!
[ sighs]
[ quietly]:
OBLINA KRUMM
AND WHERE
DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE GOING?
SIT DOWN AND
EAT BREAKFAST.
IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW,
HALLOWEEN IS OVER, BONEHEAD!
OW!
BONEHEAD WON'T TAKE OFF
HIS COSTUME.
JAKE, STOP PICKING
ON YOUR BROTHER.
SORRY, KIDDO, NO BREAKFAS
TILL YOU PUT ON
SOME REAL CLOTHES.
YOU GOT TO HAVE BREAKFAST--
IT'S THE MOST IMPORTAN
MEAL OF THE DAY.
ECCH.
[ grunting]
MM-MM.
NO WAY.
AH POLYESTER!
[ dishes rattling]
[ loud chomping and snarling]
WHERE ARE YOUFROM?
YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE ME.
HONEY, ARE
YOU OKAY?
YOU SOUND LIKE YOU'VE GO
A FROG
IN YOUR THROAT.
[ croaking]
YOU REALLY
ARE A DWEEB.
THANKS!
AREN'T YOU
FORGETTING SOMETHING?
WHAT ABOUT MY KISS?
I DON'T HAVE COOTIES.
YOU CAN BORROW MINE.
[ croaking]
NOW, REMEMBER
THE POINT IS TO PIERCE EARDRUMS
GIVE CHILLS, AND REDUCE
HUMANS TO LUMPS OF GOO.
AND A-ONE,
AND A-TWO, AND A-THREE.
[ screaming, barking,
belching and howling]
I NEED MORE FROM THE HOWLERS.
WORK WITH ME, PEOPLE,
WORK WITH ME.
OKAY, BACK ROW,
NOW, REALLY SELL IT.
[ howling and shrieking]
[ quietly]:
HMM THERE'S
SOMETHING MISSING.
[ scratching blackboard]
AH, THAT WAS MELLIFLUOUS,
ABSOLUTELY MELLIFLUOUS!
AND TO THINK I SAID
YOU'D NEVER AMOUN
TO ANYTHING!
[ sobbing wildly]
OH, YOU.
Woman:
NOW, CLASS
YESTERDAY WE LEARNED ABOU
WANDA FRIMLER'S PENTHOUSE
WITH RIVER VIEWS
AND WRAPAROUND TERRACE.
TODAY, NICKY WILL TELL US
ALL ABOUT HIS HOUSE.
NICKY?
MY HOUSE?
UM WELL, LET'S SEE.
IT'S GOT THE BEST TRASH
YOU'LL EVER FIND.
[ class giggling]
UH THERE'S ENOUGH MAGGOTS
AND BROKEN CAR PARTS
AND, AND CHICKEN BONES
TO FEED A FAMILY
FOR WEEKS.
[ proudly]:
I LIVE IN A FILTHY,
DISGUSTING DUMP!
YOU KNOW
WHERE YOU'RE GOING.
OH, NO, NO
THE TRASH COMPACTOR.
Kid:
I'LL FLATTEN YOU LIKE A PANCAKE.
I'LL MASH YOU
LIKE POTATOES.
MASH ME LIKE
POTATOES--
WHAT ARE YOUIN FOR?
DISRUPTING CLASS?
OOH, DISRUPTING CLASS.
THE LITTLE WIMP DISRUPTED CLASS.
HAH LIKE THIS?
Girl:
LIKE THIS?
MORE
LIKE THIS!
Jake:
HOLD IT.
WE CAN'T SPLIT THIS UP
WITHOUT NICKY.
[ laughing]
[ sighing]:
I GUESS THEY'RE NOT COMING.
MAYBE I'LL JUST FLUSH
MYSELF DOWN THE TOILE
AND HOPE FOR THE BEST.
[ door creaking]
[ firmly]:
I NEED TO USE THE BATHROOM.
YOU HAVE A SERIOUS
WARDROBE PROBLEM.
YOU'LL BE SORRY!
WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO DO TO ME?
WHAT IF I TOOK
CUT IT OUT!
HERE IT COMES.
GO CRY FOR MOMMY.
[ screaming crescendo]
NOW, REMEMBER, DON'T TELL
ANYONE WHERE YOU'VE BEEN.
NO ONE WOULD BELIEVE ME
IF I DID.
[ screaming grows quieter]
[ ratcheting]
[ water splashing]
YOU OKAY?
I'M BETTER THAN OKAY.
I'M BAAAD
TO THE BONE.
[ cackling]:
I'M BAD! I'M BAD!
[ deep voice]:
I'M BAAAD.
[ chuckling]
[ Jake groaning softly]
[ whispering]:
MONSTERS!
OH, JAKEY
CAN YOU SAY "BUNNY RABBIT"?
Jake [ screaming]:
MOMMY!!
Ickis:
SO THEY WERE TOUGH.
SO I WAS OUTNUMBERED.
IT TAKES MORE THAN
15 MEN TO SCARE ME!
15? EXCUSE ME
THERE WERE SIX.
TWO WORE SHORT PANTS,
AND NONE OF THEM SHAVED.
[ knuckles cracking]
[ clears throat]
SINCE NONE OF YOU CONFESSED
TO GOING ABOVE GROUND
ON HALLOWEEN
I DID A LITTLE DETECTIVE WORK.
[ quietly]:
THEY'LL NEVER BE ABLE
TO PIN THIS ON US.
AND WITH THE AID
OF A RUSTY TWEEZER
AND A GARDEN WEASEL
I MADE FOUR-EYES SQUEAL
[ squealing]LIKE A
STUCK PIG!
WE'RE DOOMED!
OBLINA, KRUMM AND ICKIS
WOULD YOU PLEASE STAND UP?
CLASS, I WANT YOU ALL TO TAKE
A GOOD LOOK AT THESE THREE.
TAKE A GOOD
LONG LOOK.
FOR THEY
ARE THE FUTURE
LEADERS OF TOMORROW!
I TOLD YOU TWO NOT TO SWEAT IT.
UNLIKE THE RES
OF YOU SLOBBERING PANTYWAISTS
THESE STUDENTS
ACTED LIKE REAL MONSTERS.
THEY WENT OUT ON HALLOWEEN.
HOWEVER, LET'S
NOT FORGET THEY DID
[ growling]:
DISOBEY ME.
THEREFORE
MMM, UH
WHAT'S BEHIND DOOR
NUMBER THREE AGAIN?
[ door creaking]
[ echoing scream]
[Captioning sponsored
by NICKELODEON
and THE U.S. DEPARTMEN
OF EDUCATION]
[Captioned by
The Caption Center
WGBH Educational Foundation]