Accidentally on Purpose s01e01 Episode Script

Oh, I can't do another office party.
I've already slept with everyone here.
Oh Yup.
Olivia, focus.
James is coming soon.
Does this pose say, "I'm over you, but I'll take you back"? No.
You just need to perk up your nipples.
This is painful.
Fine.
I'll do it.
Oh Look, I am on a mission.
When James sees me, I want him to realize he made a horrible mistake in Paris.
Okay, just a few more steps.
And - voila! - Oh, my God.
Heights.
Oh, beautiful heights.
Romantic heights.
Oh, my God, it's the Eiffel Tower! Oui! Je t'aime! Oh, my God, it's a bag! It's our three-year anniversary, so I do.
You do what? I do really want to open the bag.
It's candy.
So, do I bite into it and find something else? Yeah.
A pecan.
It's marzipan in the shape of a camera because you're a film critic.
The best one at my newspaper.
What did you think it was going to be? Ja, ja.
Ich liebe dich.
That.
That? No.
You know I don't do that.
Look, when we started dating, I told you I never wanted to get married again, and you said, "Oh, my God, do you own this plane?" Lots of people say they're never going to do things, and then they do them.
Like in Gone with the Wind.
Scarlett O'Hara says she'll never go hungry again, but then she does.
But we're not gonna go hungry tonight, because we have reservations at Le Crillon, he said, changing the subject.
I don't think I can change the subject.
I want a partner.
I want someone who actually stays for breakfast.
I want someone who's there no matter what.
I want to grow up.
Fantastic sex in exotic locales was fine when I was 35, but I'm 36 now.
Thirty-seven.
Good-bye.
Yeah, I love marzipan.
Focus on the mission, 'cause this is where I turn it all around.
Okay? He's gonna walk in here, take one look at this, take one look at this, realize he lost the best thing that's ever happened to him, maybe even cry a little, and beg me to come back.
- I don't think so.
- Why not? He's in the doorway with Kate Moss.
Ah! Abort mission! Abort mission! # I can't be anything without you.
# I wonder if he'll marry Kate Moss.
Abby, how come you never wonder what good things could happen to me? 'Cause I'm your sister.
I just think you should forget the handsome gajillionaires who also happen to be your boss.
I mean, look how happy I am since I married Nick.
And you know why? Because he is stable, well-balanced, supportive.
Yes.
Nick would make a good chair.
Excuse me.
He would make a great chair.
Oh, listen, look around.
You'll find somebody else.
I get proposed to all the time.
I may be married now.
I'm not entirely sure.
But I do know that I cannot go back to Dubai.
Yeah, that's you, Olivia.
I watch movies for a living, so to me, the three stages of womanhood are: Meg Ryan in Sleepless in Seattle, Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail, and Meg Ryan in the grocery store, saying, "No, really, I am Meg Ryan.
" Hey, excuse me.
Can you help settle a bet between me and my buds? Well, that's kind of my mission in life.
If you could be stranded on a desert island with one of us, which one would it be? Oh, well, that depends.
I mean, how can each of you enhance my desert island experience? Do you have any special skills? Can you make a radio out of a coconut? No, but I can take coconut shells, wear 'em like a fake bra, and dance around like a little girl.
Anybody can do that.
He's right.
You're out.
Come on! Okay, which one of you two looks better with your shirt off? Wow.
I love this game! And after we've been running around naked all day, we'll be hungry, and I can cook.
I'm a chef.
You had me at "naked.
" Come on, dude, let's try it out on that girl who keeps reaching for her drink and missing.
Yes.
Dibs.
Dibs.
I'm Zack.
I'd like to buy you a drink.
Oh.
I'm Billie.
You don't have to do that.
Mojito, please.
Perfect.
You know, I bet my buds I could go a whole day eating and drinking only things that end in "tos.
" Mojitos, burritos, taquitos.
I did that once, but with things that end in "oni.
" Pepperoni, spumoni, calzone.
But there wasn't a bet involved.
My sorority was just full of bulimics.
- You're funny.
- Thank you.
- And pretty.
- Okay! # All the single ladies, all the single ladies # Hey, you're a really great dancer.
Uh-huh.
Just another thing I'd bring to your desert island experience.
- You're funny.
- Yeah.
But I'm running out of charming.
I think I have some more back at my apartment.
And some homemade ravioli.
What do you say? Abso-maybe.
Give me a minute.
Okay.
Quicker! Quicker! Quicker! Oh, screw it.
Guys, a golden opportunity has just presented itself.
I'm drunk! Look, I know this may sound nuts, but I'm thinking of going home with a guy who may be significantly younger than me, and I just need to know if the situation is empowering or desperate.
- Is he over 18? - Yeah.
Empowering.
# If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it # # Oh, oh, oh # So, to conclude our tour of the "bropartment," this is the spot where we eat.
Mm-hmm.
And, uh, that's the spot where we play Grand Theft Auto.
I killed three hookers and robbed a bank this afternoon.
It was very exciting.
And that's just a spot on the floor.
I call him Steve.
You weren't kidding about having some charming back at the apartment.
And you are a fantastic cook.
Well, I am the second assistant to a semi-important sous-chef.
Basically, I boil things.
But one day, I'm gonna have my own restaurant.
Well, I'm making reservations now, 'cause that was, like, the best thing I have ever eaten.
What's for dessert? Whoa! Okay.
I know I set you up with that dessert line - and you were right to jump on that - Yeah.
but, um, I'm just not a one-night stand kind of person.
I just never do things like this.
Yeah, but lots of people say they'll never do things, and then they do them.
Ooh.
- So, this is the spot where we - Yup.
Okay.
Hello.
Hello.
Look, that hooker's still moving.
Oh! What was it like? Like eating candy.
I love candy.
What kind of candy? Young candy.
Ah.
I'm not kidding.
He smelled like a Skittle.
Ladies, I feel like I tasted the rainbow.
Oh.
The whole experience made me feel great about myself.
My pores even look smaller.
Look.
Oh, fantastic.
I'm sure I'll never see him again, but so what? I'm really glad you called me.
Yeah, yeah.
Me, too.
Take off your top.
This is endless! How much time is left? Was I supposed to be timing it? I was taking a picture of the back of my head in the mirror.
Please, pay attention.
This is the most important moment of my life.
Oh! Your first pregnancy test.
That's adorable.
Yay! No! Didn't you use condoms? I guess, it turns out, they're not 100% effective unless you actually take them out of your purse.
Billie, Billie, Billie, always use a condom.
And an alias.
Is it possible that you kind of got pregnant on purpose? I mean, maybe somewhere deep down inside, you wanted this.
You know what, Abby? This is just like when we were kids.
You always think you know what I'm thinking.
You always think you know exactly what I'm all about, but the truth is maybe you're right.
Yes! I always wanted to be an aunt! Aunt Abby! So, we're keeping it then? Well, I'm a journalist.
I ask the tough questions.
If I don't do it now, I may never get another chance.
Oh, my God, I'm going to have a baby.
- Oh.
- Hey.
So, how are you gonna tell the baby baby daddy? Can we please not call him that? Let's call him the father of my niece.
I want a girl.
But I finally had a boy toy.
And I only got to play with him for a couple weeks, and now my boy toy got me pregnant, and when I tell him, he's going to freak out.
I broke my boy toy.
I have got a ten-minute break.
So, what did you want to tell me? Zack, I'm pregnant.
Zack? Zack, are you okay? Mm-hmm, yeah.
No.
I was just all psyched 'cause I thought you came here to do it in the alley, but it turns out you're pregnant.
L- I don't know what to say.
You don't have to say anything.
You don't have to do anything.
I just needed you to know, in case, years from now, you need a kidney.
So you'd have options.
So I'm guessing this means we're done, so I'm gonna go, 'cause I just saw a rat.
Rat.
Rat.
Rat.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
You can't just say something like that and then walk away.
I mean, this is this is kind of my baby, too, right? Couldn't have done it without you.
Well, then, I want to be involved.
Are you sure? Because I can do the rest without you.
I mean, it's such a big responsibility - and you're so young.
- Look, my dad walked out on me, and I used to think it was 'cause I'd done something wrong, you know? I can't stand to think there'd be some little kid out there wondering why his dad didn't love him.
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
I hate your dad.
We are not naming the baby after him.
I want to be there for you, okay? And him or her or them.
So, what do we do now, that special breathing? It's a little early for that.
Yeah, but it's making me feel better.
I mean, I guess if you want, you can come with me to my first doctor appointment.
I'll do better than that.
I'll drive you there.
You will? Yeah.
Oh, my God.
That is the sweetest, most perfect I love you.
- What? - What? So, do you drive a Rent-A-Van as some sort of a second job? I wish.
No, I was only crashing at Davis' until his brother got out of prison.
Well, when does he get out? - Yesterday.
- Can't wait to meet him.
Well, don't worry, I'll just sleep in the van.
You're gonna sleep in here? Well, not here.
Back there, you know.
It's nice.
Except when I park on a hill.
Well, lucky we live in San Francisco where there are no hills.
You look pretty in that paper gown.
Well, I feel pretty.
Cold, cold, coldy, cold, cold! You do this all day? This is like robot porn.
Yes, it is.
Okay, Billie, your chart here says you're thirty Bada-bada-bada, ba-ba-ba! seven.
You said you were 32.
That was when I thought I was never gonna see you again.
There's the heartbeat.
Oh, my God.
And that is your baby.
Wow.
It's beautiful.
- It looks just like you.
- I know! I think you should stay with me.
Temporarily.
Till a couch opens up.
Yeah, I don't know.
I don't want to complicate your life.
Why stop now? So, you're really gonna let Zack move in? You're supposed to taste the rainbow, not let it live in your office.
What was I supposed to do? Let the father of my child live in a van so he could be hacked up by some crazy drifter? He lives in a van! He is the crazy drifter! Dude, this place is sick.
What's that? - An armoire.
- Oh.
What's that? A cake plate.
What's that? A sconce.
Sconce.
Sweet.
Dude, I got to knock me up a cougar.
Hello, there.
I prefer the term "lynx" or "ocelot.
" Dude, she sounds like Shrek.
Where's the kitchen? Why can't Zack and Billie have a relationship? Look at Ashton and Demi.
Oh, no, no, this is not a relationship.
We're not having sex anymore.
Look, I'm a mother now.
I have to do what a mother would do, and my mother never would've slept with him.
Holy crap, you didn't tell mom.
Okay.
Zack and I spoke, and he agreed we just need to set boundaries.
Uh-oh.
Look, I like you a lot, but we talked about this.
Remember our whole boundaries conversation? Yeah, but when you said, "Don't touch my stuff," I thought you meant, like, your soy milk and your computer.
No, I meant don't touch my stuff.
Okay, I got it.
Yay, boundaries.
I've made a horrible mistake.
Technically, you've made a series of horrible mistakes.
I feel this weird bond with Zack, which is probably just the hormones, but I have to think of my future, you know? I mean, I want a husband one day.
One with a checking account and a toothbrush he acquired via purchase rather than "dibs.
" I just can't believe how complicated everything got.
This? Oh-ho-ho! This isn't complicated.
What's going to be complicated is when you have to start telling people.
Telling people what? Oh, hello, boss.
No, I was just I was just What? Oh.
You look great.
Oh, I bet you say that to all the girls.
Oh, wait, you do.
No, really, you're-you're glowing.
Did you do something different? You have no idea.
Listen, I've I've thought about us a lot, and I think I'm ready.
Ready? Now you're ready? I want us to go to the next level.
Wh-What's the next level? We could live together.
What? Where? Sometimes at my place, sometimes at your place.
That's not living together.
It's not? I miss you.
You should miss me.
I'm fantastic.
There are other men who realize that.
Men who don't keep their emotions hidden like they're nuclear codes.
Available, mature men.
It's getting more complicated! It's getting more complicated! What are you doing here? I thought I'd bring you lunch.
I made you a spinach salad.
It's full of iron that'll be good for the - Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba! for the baby.
What? Why doesn't anyone know what "ba-ba-ba-ba-ba" means? Baby? Yeah, she's having my baby.
Cool, huh? Who is this clown? - I'm Zack; I'm the father.
- What? I've got to update my Facebook status.
Wait a minute, wait, you're having this punk's baby? What is this, some desperate cry for help? Not desperate.
It's empowering! Hey, who do you think you're talking to? You're gonna talk to somebody, you talk to me.
Am I gonna have to call security? - Why, you can't handle me yourself, Grandpa? - Ooh, - this is fantastic, yes! - Oh You should know that I know Krav Maga.
Fine, call him I'll fight him, too! Zack, James, stop, stop! Stop, stop! What are you doing? There's no reason you should even care.
I know I've screwed up a lot with you, but I've always cared.
Are you gonna eat that salad? Hey, roomie, let me help you with that.
Hey, a surprise party.
Um, you met Davis and-and Ryan, and this is Shane.
He just got out of prison.
Not violent drug-related.
Oh Good.
Does he babysit? Say hi to Billie, guys.
- Billie! - Yes, the Niners are up by four! She doesn't look that old.
Is that not okay that they're here? - 'Cause they were just helping me - No, no, it's fine.
I just need to put these groceries away and maybe eat an entire sheet cake.
Don't go in there.
Are you freakin' kidding me?! What, do you walk around going, "Hulk hungry!" It was it was an accident.
But no worries, Shane thinks he can reattach it.
He learned lots of handyman skills in the joint.
Really? What is your problem? You, you, you! You pick me up in a bar, you call me again, you have some kind of crazy magic super sperm, you're, like, the worst one-night stand in the history - of time.
- Hey, right back at you, okay? I don't know how they did things in your day, but nowadays girls say stuff like, "Hey, dude, I'm not on the pill.
" In my day? This is still my day.
It's not even lunch in my day.
God, why did I let you move in? "Let me" move in? I don't need to be here.
I was fine on my own! Oh, yeah, you were thriving! Why don't you just move back to your old place? It's parked right outside.
Love to! Hey, Shawshank, if you want to fix that fridge I'm packing up your crap.
No, I'm packing up my own crap.
Oh, my God, a nursery.
We painted it lavender 'cause we didn't know what sex the baby is, and pink plus blue makes lavender.
Shane did the bears.
He's better at skulls, but we went with the bears.
I mean, do you like it? We can paint it any color you want.
It's wonderful.
So, I'll just get my stuff.
No, you can't.
I mean, please don't.
I really like what you bring to my apartment.
You want me to stay? Yeah.
I mean, you might want to keep the truck as a nice, little pied-à-terre, but sure.
Okay.
Where are you guys going? Never mind that blowup.
Just hormones.
It's all good.
Were you using my grandmother's urn as a water pipe? I just want to say I know this is weird, but I'm really glad I met you.
Me, too! Is the floor too hard? Nah.
This is kind of romantic.
I'm not sleeping with you.
Okay.
Hey, so what do you want for breakfast? I can make, uh, eggs Florentine, chocolate chip waffles, fruit smoothies I love you.
- What? - What?