According To Jim s01e01 Episode Script

HEY, I THOUGHT YOU WERE PLAYING WITH THE GIRLS.
I AM.
BUT THEY'RE OUTSIDE AND YOU'RE IN HERE.
WELL, WE'RE PLAYING "FROZEN GUY.
" YOU SEE, I'M FROZEN, AND THE ONLY WAY I GET THAWED OUT IS BY THE GIRLS PLAYING IN THE BACKYARD.
THAT SOUNDS A LOT LIKE "HAMMOCK GUY.
" NO, CHERYL.
"HAMMOCK GUY" -- I'M OUTSIDE AND THEY PLAY IN HERE.
OOH! OOH! ARE YOU THAWED OUT YET, DADDY? OOH! COLD! BRR! OH, PLAY HARDER.
PLAY HARDER.
OOH, I'M SO COLD.
OH, I'M FROZEN.
SO WHEN ARE WE GONNA EAT? I DON'T KNOW.
YOU BETTER ASK YOUR WIFE, 'CAUSE FROZEN GAL IS GONNA SIT HER ASS DOWN AND READ THE PAPER.
IT'S FUN PLAYING WITH THE KIDS, ISN'T IT? HAH! OH, BABY! HEY, RUBY, HOW DO YOU LIKE MY NEW TIE FOR MY FIRST DAY AT KINDERGARTEN? IT'S MY FIRST DAY OF KINDERGARTEN.
HEY, MAYBE YOU'RE IN THE SAME CLASS.
COOL.
MORNING, EVERYBODY.
MORNING, AUNT DANA.
HELLO.
DO I LOOK TIRED? MORE HAGGARD THAN TIRED.
BECAUSE I WAS ON THE PHONE HALF THE NIGHT WITH OUR LITTLE BROTHER.
AUNT DANA, TODAY IS MY FIRST DAY OF KINDERGARTEN.
I KNOW.
IT'S SO EXCITING.
WHAT A BIG GIRL YOU ARE.
I HAVE A BAGINA.
ME TOO.
THAT MEANS WE HAVE TO WORK TWICE AS HARD AS A MAN TO EARN THE SAME MONEY.
HEY, DO YOU GIRLS WANT TO GO WATCH TV? YEAH, YEAH.
SO YOU'RE ON THE PHONE WITH ANDY YEAH.
HE AND CARRIE HAD A HUGE FIGHT.
SHE SAID HE BROKE HER HAIR DRYER.
HE SAID IT WAS NORMAL WEAR AND TEAR.
FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT.
NOW SHE'S BACK IN HER OWN APARTMENT.
IT'S TURNED INTO ONE OF THOSE STUPID COUPLE FIGHTS, LIKE THE TIME YOU CLOSED THE CAR DOOR ON ME.
YOU TOLD ME TO SHUT IT.
WHY WOULD I TELL YOU TO SHUT THE CAR DOOR WHEN I'M STILL GETTING OUT OF THE CAR? I HAVE NO IDEA, BUT YOU TOLD ME TO SHUT IT -- OKAY.
FOCUS.
WE LOVE CARRIE.
SHE'S GREAT FOR ANDY.
SHE'S SMART.
SHE'S SWEET.
SHE'S CARING.
SHE'S GREAT IN THE SACK.
ANDY'S GOT A BIG MOUTH.
I DON'T KNOW.
HE TOLD ME.
I MEAN ALL RIGHT, SO WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? ALL RIGHT, HOW ABOUT THIS? HOW ABOUT WE TRY TO GET THROUGH TODAY THE BEST WE CAN AND THEN TRY TO GET SOME SLEEP TONIGHT, IF WE CAN AND IN THE MORNING WE GET UP AND DO THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN TILL CARRIE AND ANDY WORK THIS THING OUT FOR THEMSELVES? LET'S IGNORE JIM, IF WE CAN.
HONEY, WOULD YOU PLEASE TALK TO ANDY FOR ME? YOU'RE SAYING THAT LIKE A QUESTION, BUT IT REALLY ISN'T, IS IT? NO.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL TALK TO ANDY, BUT WILL YOU DO SOMETHING FOR ME? ANYTHING.
ALL RIGHT! I GOT ALL DAY TO THINK ABOUT IT.
ANDY, I'VE BEEN GOING OVER YOUR PLANS FOR THE PATTERSON HOUSE.
IS THERE A PROBLEM? WELL, KIND OF.
THERE'S NO DOOR.
SO, UNLESS THE PATTERSONS WERE ACTUALLY BORN IN THE HOUSE I'M SORRY, JIM.
I'M ALL SCREWED UP FROM THIS CARRIE THING.
I'VE THROWN UP TWICE ALREADY.
NEED A TIC TAC? OKAY.
YOUR SISTERS WANT ME TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT CARRIE.
I REALLY MISS HER.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? I DON'T KNOW.
SO WE'VE HAD OUR TALK, RIGHT? YEAH.
OKAY.
Jim: SO HOW DID RUBY'S FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL GO? OH, NOT GOOD.
WHEN I TRIED TO LEAVE, SHE RAN AFTER ME, SOBBING.
REALLY? YEAH.
WHAT HAPPENED WITH ANDY? AW, PRETTY MUCH THE SAME THING, AND THEN HE THREW UP.
YOU KNOW, THE GUY MISSES CARRIE.
WHERE DID I PUT THE SCREWDRIVER? NO.
NO.
SHARP.
HERE.
YOU KNOW, I REALLY THINK WE NEED TO GET ANDY AND CARRIE IN THE SAME ROOM TOGETHER.
HEY, HOW ABOUT WE HAVE THEM OVER FOR DINNER? GREAT.
YOU DON'T NEED ME HERE FOR THAT, DO YOU? [ GIRL SHRIEKS .]
OKAY, SETTLE DOWN.
INSIDE VOICES.
INSIDE VOICES.
SO WHAT DID YOU END UP DOING WITH RUBY? WHAT COULD I DO? I STAYED.
I SAT OUTSIDE HER CLASSROOM ON A TINY LITTLE BENCH UNTIL 3:00.
AW, HONEY, I'M SORRY.
YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S JUST HER FIRST DAY.
IT'S NOT LIKE SHE'S GONNA BE HANGING ONTO YOUR SKIRT THE REST OF HER LIFE LIKE ME.
[ GIRL SHRIEKS .]
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S ENOUGH.
HOLD IT.
HOLD IT.
HOLD IT.
TIMEOUT.
TIMEOUT.
EVERYBODY, TIMEOUT.
YOU, ON THE COUCH.
YOU, ON THE CHAIR.
AWW! AWW! AWW! YEAH, SOMEDAY YOU'RE GONNA BEG FOR FIVE MINUTES ALONE IN A CHAIR WITH NOTHING TO DO.
OH, LOOK AT US.
ALREADY IN OUR PAJAMAS.
YEAH.
YOU WANNA HAVE SEX? YEAH.
[ SIGHS .]
THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW.
OH, WHAT AM I GONNA DO ABOUT RUBY? I'VE BEEN SITTING OUTSIDE HER CLASSROOM FOR A WEEK NOW.
I DON'T KNOW, BUT, HONEY, WE GOT TO DO SOMETHING, 'CAUSE I CAN'T KEEP TAKING THE KIDS TO WORK WITH ME.
I MEAN, KYLE IS SCREAMING AND CRYING ALL DAY AND -- AND THE LITTLE ONE? GRACIE.
RIGHT.
SHE KEEPS ANSWERING THE PHONE, "HELLO, I HAVE A BAGINA.
" SOMETIMES SHE DOESN'T EVEN SAY HELLO.
AND, YOU KNOW, HER TEACHER SAID STARTING TOMORROW I'M NOT ALLOWED TO STAY ANYMORE.
I MEAN, MY DAUGHTER IS SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER AND I'M SUPPOSED TO JUST LEAVE? I CAN'T DO THAT.
THEN I'LL DO IT.
YOU'RE GONNA TAKE RUBY TO SCHOOL? YEAH.
WELL, YEAH, SHE NEEDS SOMEBODY TOUGH, SOMEBODY WHO CAN SAY ADIOS AND WALK AWAY.
OH, AND THAT'S YOU? YEAH, THAT'S ME.
HONEY, COME ON.
LET'S FACE IT.
IT'S A SCIENTIFIC FACT.
I MEAN, I READ IT IN AN ARTICLE IN "PLAYBOY.
" MEN ARE BETTER AT SEPARATING THAN WOMEN.
I MEAN, LOOK AT HOW MANY OF US WALK OUT ON OUR CRYING WIVES.
YOU KNOW WHAT STRENGTH THAT TAKES? YOU KNOW, THAT'S INTERESTING, BECAUSE I READ JUST THE OPPOSITE IN LAST MONTH'S ISSUE OF "JUGGS.
" NOBODY READS THE ARTICLES IN "JUGGS," HONEY.
NOW COME ON.
I'M SERIOUS HERE.
MEN ARE TOUGHER.
I MEAN, HONEY, I KNOW YOU DID THE BEST JOB YOU COULD, BUT YOU GOT TOO EMOTIONAL -- BUT THAT'S OKAY.
YOU'RE A WOMAN.
THAT'S WHAT WE LOVE ABOUT YOU GUYS.
[ Laughing .]
OH.
BUT IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS, YOU GOT BE A ROCK AND WALK AWAY.
I'M NOT LEAVING.
IF WE LET YOU STAY -- I CAN STAY HERE.
WHAT'S SO WRONG ABOUT STAYING IN THE HALL? IT'S NO BIG DEAL -- OH, WHAT'S THIS ABOUT? OH, YOU NEED SUPPORT, DO YOU? DADDY! I'M NOT LEAVING, BABY.
I'M NOT LEAVING, NOT WITHOUT MY DAUGHTER! HEY, LET'S JUST TALK ABOUT THIS FOR A SECOND, OKAY? GOTTA HAND IT TO JIM.
HE REALLY HANDLED THIS WHOLE SCHOOL THING JUST LIKE HE SAID HE WOULD.
DISHES FOR THE LADIES.
FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS, HE'S BEEN TAKING RUBY TO SCHOOL AND LEAVING WORK TO PICK HER UP AT 3:00.
WHAT? HE DOESN'T EVEN SHOW UP TO WORK TILL AFTER 3:30.
HE'S NOT COMING IN TO WORK TILL WHEN? I MUST NOT SPEAK WHEN I'M WITH PEOPLE.
WHY WOULD JIM BE COMING IN TO WORK LATE EVERY DAY? MAYBE HE'S HAVING AN AFFAIR.
[ LAUGHTER .]
HMM.
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT? TAKING RUBY TO SCHOOL AND PICKING HER UP TO LIGHTEN MY LOAD.
JIM'S NEVER WORRIED ABOUT MY LOAD BEFORE.
DANA, HE'S BEEN SITTING OUTSIDE RUBY'S CLASSROOM.
JUST LIKE YOU DID.
YES.
OH, MY GOD.
LET'S GO BUST HIM.
NO, NO, NO, THIS IS ALL MINE.
DANA, IF YOU EVER GET MARRIED, YOU WILL COME TO REALIZE THAT THESE ARE THE MOMENTS YOU SAVOR.
CHERYL HMM? YOU SAID "IF.
" I MEANT "WHEN.
" ALL RIGHT, THE EMBALMERS REMOVED THE STOMACH AND OTHER ORGANS THROUGH A CUT IN THE LOWER ABDOMEN.
DID THAT.
THEY THEN INSERTED HOOKS INTO THE NOSTRILS AND PULLED OUT THE BRAIN.
DID THAT.
OH, HEY, GIRLS, HERE.
WE DIDN'T DO THIS YET.
THEN THEY STUFFED THE MUMMY'S MOUTH WITH EXOTIC EGYPTIAN STUFF WHICH WE NOW KNOW AS CORN CHIPS.
CAN WE STUFF YOUR MOUTH WITH CORN CHIPS, DADDY? WELLOKAY, I MEAN, WE'RE TRYING TO KEEP IT REAL AND EVERYTHING.
OKAY, GO GET THE CHIPS.
GET THE BIG BAG.
HI.
WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT? BECAUSE I LOVE YOU? NO, I KNOW THAT LOOK.
THIS IS NOT THAT LOOK.
MAYBE IT'S A LOOK OF GRATITUDE.
WELL, YEAH, IT COULD BE THAT.
I WOULDN'T RECOGNIZE THAT.
YOU KNOW, HONEY, I JUST NEVER THANKED YOU ENOUGH FOR TAKING OVER RUBY'S SCHOOL PROBLEM AND HANDLING IT SO WELL.
OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, HONEY.
IT'S NO BIG DEAL, REALLY.
SWEETIE, YOU SEEM NERVOUS.
OH, I'M NOT NERVOUS AT ALL.
YEAH.
NO, I JUST -- I -- IT'S -- WELL, I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.
IT'S ABOUT THIS DINNER TONIGHT.
I WANT IT TO WORK.
I MEAN, CARRIE'S SO GREAT.
ISN'T SHE? YOU ARE SO CUTE WITH YOUR BRAIN SUCKED OUT.
HERE YOU GO, DADDY.
THE BIG BAG.
MMM.
OH, CARRIE, DON'T WORRY.
ANDY WILL BE HERE SOON.
RIGHT, DANA? I'M SORRY.
I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
IT'S A LITTLE NOISY DOWN AT THIS END OF THE TABLE.
HE'S NOT COMING.
IT'S OVER.
I BLEW IT.
OH, SWEETIE.
MMM.
WHAT? IS THERE A RULE THAT SAYS YOU CAN'T EAT WHEN SOMEONE'S CRYING? HEY, EVERYONE.
ANDY.
SORRY I'M LATE, BUT I HAD TO GO TO THREE DIFFERENT STORES TO FIND THE RIGHT ONE.
I DON'T WANT US TO FIGHT.
OH, NEITHER DO I.
OH, MY GOD.
IT'S EXACTLY LIKE THE ONE YOU BROKE.
WELL, YEAH, BUT YEAH.
OH, HA HA.
LASAGNA, HUH? HA HA HA.
I GOT TO TELL YOU, CHERYL, YOUR LASAGNA -- I DIDN'T BREAK IT.
YES, YOU DID.
NO, I DIDN'T.
IT WAS NORMAL WEAR AND TEAR.
NORMAL WEAR AND TEAR? EVERYTHING IS WEAR AND TEAR.
I SUPPOSE ABRAHAM LINCOLN DIED FROM NORMAL WEAR AND TEAR.
WELL, HE SURE DIDN'T DIE FROM BEING USED 20 MINUTES ON THE HIGH SETTING.
HUH? KNOCK IT OFF.
KNOCK IT OFF.
THIS WHOLE THING IS UPSETTING MY STOMACH.
I CAN'T EAT.
I MEAN, I CAN FINISH WHAT'S ON MY PLATE.
I'M WORRIED ABOUT DESSERT.
COME ON.
YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS IS GONNA BE ONE OF THOSE FIGHTS YOU'RE GONNA HAVE YOUR ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP.
I MEAN, LIKE CHERYL AND I -- WE STILL FIGHT ABOUT THE TIME SHE ASKED ME TO CLOSE THE CAR DOOR ON HER AND I DID.
JIM, FOR GOD'S SAKE, WHY WOULD I ASK YOU TO -- YOU SEE? SHE CAN'T LET IT GO BUT WE DON'T BREAK UP OVER IT.
I MEAN, WE TALK.
COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY HERE.
HONEY, YOU'RE RIGHT.
ISN'T HE, DANA? MMM.
I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING WE DON'T SHARE.
CAN YOU? NO, NOT OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD, HONEY.
YEAH, WELL, MAYBE YOU NEED TO LOOK A LITTLE DEEPER THAN THE TOP.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE JUST BELOW THE SPORTS SCORES, BUT RIGHT ABOVE THE LYRICS TO "LOUIE, LOUIE.
" THIS IS NOT THAT LOOK OF GRATITUDE, IS IT? NO.
THIS IS THE LOOK OF YOU ARE TOTALLY BUSTED FOR SITTING OUTSIDE RUBY'S SCHOOL.
OH, THAT.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
HA! YOU ARE SO FULL OF IT.
YOU SHOULD HAVE HEARD HIM.
"WOMEN ARE SO EMOTIONAL.
MEN ARE SO TOUGH.
" HE WAS QUOTING "PLAYBOY" AT ME.
LOOK, I GOT VERY EMOTIONAL, YOU KNOW.
IT WAS HARD FOR ME TO LEAVE.
I WAS A BIG OL' GIRL.
ALL RIGHT? OH, YOU KNOW.
I HAVE TO KNOW, HONEY.
HOW DID YOU GET MRS.
CARTER TO LET YOU STAY? MRS.
CARTER WAS MY TEACHER AT MY OLD SCHOOL.
MRS.
SCAVULLO'S MY TEACHER NOW.
HA.
OH, YEAH.
UH HERE'S SOMETHING YOU MAY OR MAY NOT FIND FUNNY.
UH, RUBY DOESN'T GO TO HAVENHURST ANYMORE.
SHE GOES TO EMERSON.
WHAT? EMERSON IS A VERY GOOD SCHOOL, HONEY.
WELL HEY, WHO WANTS TO GO OUT FOR ICE CREAM? YAY! THANKS, CHERYL.
OKAY, WHAT FLAVOR DO YOU WANT? VANILLA.
HONEY THIS LASAGNA'S REALLY GOOD, EVEN THE BURNT PIECES.
JIM? YES? YOU CHANGED RUBY'S SCHOOL WITHOUT TELLING ME.
OKAY, HONEY, RUBY WAS HYSTERICAL, OKAY? MRS.
CARTER TOLD ME TO LEAVE.
I WOULDN'T.
THERE WAS A STRUGGLE, DRINKING FOUNTAIN WAS INADVERTENTLY BROKEN, THEY THREW ME OUT, AND I TOOK RUBY WITH ME.
I MEAN, WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO -- WALK AWAY FROM A SCREAMING CHILD? YOU DO IT ALL THE TIME AROUND HERE! OH.
HONEY, HONEY.
HONEY SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
NOT ONLY HAVE YOU BEEN LYING TO ME, BUT MY DAUGHTER'S BEEN LYING TO ME? WHOA.
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.
I DID NOT TELL RUBY TO LIE TO YOU.
ALL I SAID WAS, "DON'T TELL YOUR MOTHER," AND I GAVE HER SOME MONEY.
YOU BRIBED OUR DAUGHTER TO LIE TO ME? HONEY, IT WAS A DOLLAR.
YOU CAN'T BUY ANYTHING WITH A DOLLAR.
UHH! WHAT? WHAT? RUBY'S HAPPY AT HER SCHOOL, AND SO I FIXED THE PROBLEM.
HOW DID YOU FIX THE PROBLEM? RUBY STILL CAN'T STAY AT SCHOOL ALONE.
YOU'RE STILL SITTING OUTSIDE HER CLASSROOM ALL DAY.
IT'S JUST A DIFFERENT ROOM.
HEY, HONEY, I FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO FOR ME.
DO IT YOURSELF.
OKAY, BABY.
BEDTIME.
IS MOMMY MAD? WELLYEAH, KINDA.
I'M SORRY.
I FORGOT.
OH, HONEY, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, BUT YOU'RE PROBABLY GONNA HAVE TO GIVE ME THE DOLLAR BACK.
NO.
REALLY.
HA HA HA.
HONEY, I CAN'T STAY AT SCHOOL WITH YOU ANYMORE.
CAN MOMMY? UNH-UNH.
WHY? WELL, IT'S KIND OF LIKE THAT STONES SONG "YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT," AND WHAT YOU WANT IS MOMMY AND DADDY TO BE AROUND YOU ALL THE TIME LIKE WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE, BUT YOU CAN'T, YOU KNOW? YOU -- YOU GOTTA KINDA DO SOME THINGS ON YOUR OWN, AND ONE OF THOSE THINGS WOULD BE TO STAY IN SCHOOL BY YOURSELF.
WHAT'S THE STONES? THE ROLLING STONES? "BROWN SUGAR"? "JUMPIN' JACK FLASH"? "SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL"? AW, BABY, YOU GOT A LOT OF GREAT MUSIC AHEAD OF YOU.
SOTHE DOLLAR? HA HA HA.
CUTE LITTLE THING.
GOOD NIGHT.
[ CLOSES DOOR LOUDLY .]
UH I DIDN'T KNOW IF YOU WANTED ME TO DO THE DISHES OR NOT SO I DIDN'T.
[ DROPS THINGS ON COUNTER LOUDLY .]
[ PUTS AWAY CHANGE LOUDLY .]
[ COINS CLANKING THROUGH SORTER .]
[ Sighs .]
WELL GUESS IT'S TIME FOR A DRUM SOLO.
* WIPEOUT * NOW WE'RE GONNA SLOW IT DOWN -- A LITTLE SPICE GIRLS.
* STOP RIGHT THERE * * THANK YOU VERY MUCH * * I JUST WANT A HUMAN * OH.
ALL RIGHT.
I WAS GONNA TELL YOU ABOUT CHANGING RUBY'S SCHOOL, BUT IT JUST KINDA SNOWBALLED, YOU KNOW? AND THEN -- AND THEN A COUPLE DAYS WENT BY AND IT WAS JUST I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU, HONEY.
JIM, WE ARE PARTNERS IN THIS THING.
IT'S NOT JUST YOU.
I KNOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT, THOUGH? BUT, YOU KNOW, RUBY'S GONNA HAVE DAYS WHERE SHE'S GONNA BE ON HER OWN AND SHE'S GONNA FEEL ALONE AND SCARED AND WE'RE NOT GONNA BE THERE, AND THIS TIME I WAS THERE.
YOU KNOW, I DID THE SAME THING YOU DID.
I MEAN, YOU PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAVE BROKE THE DRINKING FOUNTAIN, BUT I DON'T KNOW, HONEY.
THE SECRET IS TO HOLD ON TO THE LOCKERS WHILE THEY'RE DRAGGING YOU AWAY.
YOU WERE ALWAYS SMARTER THAN ME.
HA HA HA.
GOD, YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
GOD, YOU'RE A LUCKY MAN.
LUCKY? DID I HEAR "LUCKY"? HA HA HA.
[ KISS .]
HONEY? HMM? WHY WOULD I ASK YOU TO CLOSE THE CAR DOOR ON ME? HONEY? HMM? WHY WOULD I SHUT THE CAR DOOR ON YOU IF YOU DIDN'T ASK ME? OKAY.
HA HA.
[ KISS .]
BUT WHY WOULD I ASK YOU? HONEY, I WOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT IF YOU DIDN'T ASK ME