Agatha All Along (2024) s01e01 Episode Script

1
[Agnes humming]
[police radio chattering indistinctly]
[sighs]
Another beautiful day.
Hey, neighbor.
Surprised to see you out here, Detective.
There I was, sitting on my duff,
playing Candy Crush, happy as a clam,
enjoying the fruits
of my undeserved disciplinary action
You punched a suspect.
Oh, now a convicted felon.
I can't be right and wrong
- at the same time.
- Yes, you can.
When the Chief calls and tells me,
"Hibernation's over.
"Got a case only you can solve."
Direct quote.
So?
[Herb] Jane Doe.
Found her down here by the water.
Dispatch was tipped off
by an anonymous call.
[Agnes] Mmm. Somebody
didn't want her out here alone.
This is all she had on her.
What's this? From a library book?
Westview branch.
[Agnes] Mmm-hmm.
- Cause?
- Blunt force trauma.
Not much of a drop around here. She fall?
- She was crushed.
- By what?
Something big. And heavy.
So she didn't die here.
She is dead, though, isn't she, Herb?
Oh, she's really, most sincerely dead.
You never know.
[camera shutter clicking]
Get samples from both.
[Herb] Find something?
Nah.
They're set to roll her. You ready to see?
Let's go.
Who are you?
What happened to you?
[Herb] You okay, Agnes?
How do you mean?
You don't seem like yourself.
Oh, yeah?
And who is that exactly?
I'll try to be more cheerful
for you next time, Herb.
But right now this unidentified woman
lying dead in a creek
has just got me down in the dumps.
Let me know
when the dental records come in.
[#"Ballad of the Witches' Road
(True Crime Version)" playing]
#Down, down, down the road ♪
#Down the winding road ♪
#Down, down, down the road ♪
#Down the winding road ♪
#Wherever it may bend ♪
#I'll see you at the end ♪
Ah. Official police business.
- Excuse me.
- Hey.
- Excuse me.
- [woman] Jeez.
You use that line
at the supermarket checkout, too?
Only suckers wait their turn.
How can I help you, Agnes?
Found this on a victim.
Ooh. Who's the victim? Is she dead?
Now, why do you assume it's a woman?
- I don't know. Sounds more titillating.
- [Agnes grunts]
- There are no names on here.
- But there are dates.
We don't use cards anymore.
Everything's digital now. Sorry.
Well, thanks a bunch for your help,
Dottie. You've been an absolute angel.
Incidentally, [yelling] where were you
last night
between the hours of 1:00
and 3:00 a.m.?
I guess I could run the book title.
Oh, can you?
[chuckles nervously]
"Dialogue And Rhetoric: Known History
Of Learning & Debate, by Andrew Ugo."
Yeah, I'm thinking erotic thriller?
- Huh.
- Huh, what?
This book wasn't checked out.
It was stolen. Three years ago.
But we have plenty more copies
in Natural Sciences.
Now, if you'll excuse me
Yeah, I'll excuse you.
- [man whispering] There was a fire.
- [gasps]
Was everything destroyed?
[whispering] Every last copy.
- [officer] Morning, Detective.
- [Agnes clears throat] Good mornin'.
Wow.
- Thank you.
- Glad to have you back, Agnes.
Glad to be back, Chief.
And, no, I do not accept your apology.
[chuckles sarcastically]
Yeah, so, Agnes
- You hear what happened at the library?
- No, I
- Somebody torched one of the stacks.
- No.
- Like, took a flame thrower to it.
- Oh, yeah?
I'll have one of the guys follow up.
But listen, Agnes
- You got a spot on your shirt.
- Oh.
- And your tie.
- Ah, cripes.
You makin' breakfast smoothies
again, Chief?
You know you're supposed to put the lid on
before you blend it.
Yes, I know. Um
Listen, Agnes
[sighs] You're about to tell me
somethin' I'm not gonna like.
Soil samples from under the fingernails
and toenails of the Jane Doe came back.
They don't match
the soil she was lyin' in.
That's no surprise.
We assumed she'd been moved.
There were traces
of a particular microbial sediment
only found in Eastern Europe.
Now get to the part I'm not gonna like.
[woman] Here I am.
Okay.
Fancy dirt always attracts the attention
of the Feds.
Agent Vidal is an asset here, Agnes.
More brain power and more resources mean
you get to the finish line faster.
Strength in numbers.
- Teamwork makes the dream
- Eat my ass, Chief.
- [chuckles]
- I'll leave you to it, then.
[scoffs]
- It's been a long time.
- What are you doing here?
My job.
You wanna take control
of my investigation.
No.
If you wanna be in control, you can be.
She
The body was moved across state lines.
Is that your play?
Is this really how you see yourself?
Sure. Let's talk about the case.
What are your theories?
How'd she end up in the ravine?
No drag marks.
Thinking the perp carried her.
Uh Seems logical. But you don't really
believe that because Oops.
No tracks for the perp.
Not a leaf disturbed
before Forensics showed up.
It's almost like
she just magically appeared.
[scoffs] Let's stick
to reality here, yeah?
- Sure.
- If there's one thing we can agree on,
it's that these cases are always
about the place.
The specific small town,
the history of it, the people in it,
the secrets buried beneath it.
That's where the answers lie.
Well, who better to solve the mystery
than one of Westview's very own?
Yeah, you've lived here your whole life.
Isn't that true Agnes?
I don't want you here.
[speaks Spanish]
[grunts softly]
[Norm in English] Oh, it's real,
all right. And it's a beaut.
Where'd you get it?
Mind your beeswax, Norm.
Where's it from? How old is it?
North American. New England, maybe.
Late 17th century, I guess.
It's made from cowrie shell.
What's a cowrie?
Sea snail.
And these hotties here.
That's Triple Goddess.
Maiden, Mother, Crone.
- What, no Working Professional Goddess?
- [Norm chuckles]
[Norm] Oh, hello.
Looks like your brooch is a locket.
You looking to sell it, Agnes?
How much you offering, Norm?
For you?
Two hundred.
Great. Now I know
where to start the bidding on eBay.
Good to see you, too, Agnes.
[door opens and closes]
[Jones] Go home, Agnes.
I am home, Chief.
- Hey!
- Go home.
[sighs heavily]
[dog barking]
Stupid dog.
[knocking on door]
What?
Did you know that
it is a universally-acknowledged truth
that a lady cop cannot be good at her job
and have a healthy personal life
at the same time?
Hungry?
- [fridge door opens and closes]
- [sighs] So she's a rookie, granted,
but I say to her,
"Has the suspect been seen
in the last 24 hours?"
And she says, "Only on TikTok."
And then I say,
"Well, did you learn anything?"
And she says,
"That I was totally using
the wrong foundation brush."
[both chuckle]
[sighs and chuckles]
Anyway
I have a lead in the case.
That's not why I came over.
But go ahead.
There was a car wreck,
about an hour before time of death.
- Where?
- Eastview.
Eastview?
See, I thought you turned into a pumpkin
that far afield.
Hey, I travel. I'm worldly.
[chuckles] Where have you traveled?
Okay, so what about the car wreck?
Bloodstain in the back seat.
You think that's how they moved her?
Front two airbags deployed.
- Maybe two perps?
- Maybe.
- [sighs]
- But you don't like it.
My gut tells me they're related,
but I can't shake this feeling
I'm seeing it wrong.
Can I ask you something?
Yeah.
Do you remember why you hate me?
No.
Are you hiding evidence?
No.
Well, you're only lying to yourself.
[objects clatter]
- [glass shatters]
- [gasps softly]
Hey! What are you doing?
What did you take?
You gotta be kidding me.
Don't move! Freeze! Here we go.
[grunts] Whoa!
Crap, crap, crap.
Hey! Where are you
Stop! Police!
Don't you run from me!
Stop!
Police!
Hey! Hey!
- Stop!
- [dog barking]
- [tires screech]
- [man grunts]
[gasps]
Hey. Hey, you okay? You okay?
Oh, my God. He came out of nowhere.
Ma'am, get back in your vehicle!
You alive?
Good. 'Cause I'm arresting you now.
And I want you real alert for that.
All right, come on.
Well, he won't give his name
and he's not in the system.
First offense.
He take anything from your place?
No, but not for lack of trying.
I think it's time
for a good old-fashioned chat
with Edward Scissorhands in there.
Go get your perp.
So I'm curious.
What compelled you to break into
the home of a decorated detective?
When you say "decorated,"
do you mean suspended without pay?
Yeah, I know who you are.
Let's talk about you, then,
you little dirtbag.
Is B&E your regular gig?
Hmm?
'Cause you're crap at it.
What were you looking for in my house?
The respect of your peers
and a fulfilling home life.
But you were fresh out of both.
[grunts]
See
The things that you're roasting me for
are the things that make me dangerous.
So you wanna keep poking the bear?
Good.
Now
What were you after?
The Road.
What road?
You, of all people, should know.
What? It's ink from the fingerprinting.
I was on a road this morning.
It led to something pretty awful.
New question.
Where were you last night
between the hours of 1:00 and 3:00 a.m.?
Asleep. In bed.
"Asleep in bed."
[yelling] Total loser?
Or totally lying?
Let's find out.
- What do you know about this?
- Nothing. Nothing!
- Tell me who she is.
- I don't know.
Tell me what happened to her!
What are you talking about?
These are just flowers!
What?
They're just pictures
of someone's front yard or something!
Why do you keep looking at that painting?
It's not a
[chanting in Latin]
- [in English] What are you saying?
- [continues chanting]
What is that?
Stop it.
Get up! Get up!
You know what?
You're spending the night in the tank.
Let's see how long you can keep that up.
There was a body.
I saw the body.
I'm not crazy.
She was there. She was there.
She was in her late 20s, green eyes, 5'7".
Hair the color of
Scarlet.
[breathing heavily]
[Rio] Case closed, then?
How did she die?
[scoffs] Wrong question.
That witch is gone.
And all of the copies of the Darkhold
with her.
Leaving you trapped
in her distorted spell.
But you don't have to stay there, do you?
[groans softly]
[pants] Is it hot? Are you?
Yes. Claw your way out.
I'm hot. Is it hot?
I'm feeling
Good.
What?
[scoffs]
There are two Jane Does in this case,
and you know her name.
So, what's yours?
[#sinister music playing]
[exhales]
[grunts softly]
[screams]
All right. There we go.
- [Agatha screams]
- Oh! Whoa!
What? What is going on?
Hey, Miss Agnes.
- You feeling okay today?
- Stop talking.
How long have I been here?
Uh What?
How long have I been living
in this cesspool of a town?
You don't remember?
Catch me up.
About three years.
Three years?
Wanda.
- We try not to say her name.
- Ugh!
Because you're cowards,
because you're sheep.
What have I been doing all this time?
Well, you've mostly been a good neighbor.
A bit too casual with your boundaries
Call me "nosy," I'll cut out your tongue.
Yeah.
You haven't been yourself
the past few days.
Almost like you got bit
by the true crime bug.
So
So what? I've just been spouting nonsense
and you've just been humoring me?
I mean, folks been trying to help out,
you know,
stopping by and bringing you groceries
and checking up on you.
- Oh, my God.
- Just do something!
- [Agatha] Oh, I get it.
- Just get her inside.
Librarian. Chief of police.
- What are you doing? No.
- Nothing.
Oh! Jeweler.
[softly] Okay.
This is where hope goes to die.
You know, um
Okay. Besides the fact that you're, um
You seem pretty lucid for a change.
Aggressive, even. Powerful.
What did you say?
I said, "Powerful," but look, Agnes, if
It's Agatha.
Okay. Agatha. Yeah.
Can you put on some clothes?
'Cause you 'Cause you're naked.
[panting] Okay.
No. No!
[takes deep breath]
I got mugged, mister.
She took every little bit of power I had
and left me with household appliances.
We gotta get back on top.
[thumping echoes from upstairs]
[thumping continues]
- [thumping continues]
- [muffled screaming]
So that arrest was maybe
more of a kidnapping.
But if you're real
and not a figment of my imprisoned mind,
then that means
[grunts]
[screams]
[chuckles] I've missed you.
I hate you.
How long has it been, Agatha?
- Not sure.
- Since you acquired the Darkhold,
you hid behind all that dark magic,
but then you lost it.
And now
[Agatha winces]
Touch.
You're vulnerable.
Only physically.
Do you remember pain?
It kind of tickles, doesn't it?
Coochie coochie coo.
You can't kill me. It's not allowed.
Maybe I can't kill you,
but I can make you wish you were dead.
[groans] Wait, wait, wait.
This isn't what you want.
Me without power.
[Agatha laughs]
This is undignified.
Don't you want me at my best?
Admit it. You prefer me
Horizontal, in a grave.
Formidable.
So take my power.
That's cute.
But you know that would kill me.
Just let me get my purple back.
And then come find me.
I am not the only one
that wants to see you dead.
Wants to see you burn.
Or hang or drown.
There are no new options?
I could just sit back and watch.
Come on.
You love it.
The anticipation.
Okay, Agatha.
But I'll be sure to tell them
where to find you.
Who, specifically?
Mmm! The worst of them. The Salem Seven.
I expect you'll see them at sundown.
After all these centuries,
Agatha Harkness will finally meet her end.
- Ugh! It really warms the heart.
- You don't have a heart.
Yes, I do.
It's black. And it beats for you.
[Rio chuckles]
[speaks Spanish]
[mumbling indistinctly]
Oh, right, you.
[#rock music playing,
Donovan "Season of the Witch"]
#When I look out my window ♪
#Many sights to see ♪
#And when I look in my window ♪
#So many different people to be ♪
#That it's strange ♪
#You've got to pick up every stitch ♪
#You've got to pick up every stitch ♪
[#vocalizes]
#Must be the season of the witch ♪
#Must be the season of the witch, yeah ♪
#Must be the season of the witch ♪
#When I look over my shoulder ♪
#What do you think I see? ♪
#Some other cat lookin' over ♪
#his shoulder at me ♪
#And he's strange ♪
#Sure is strange ♪
#You've got to pick up every stitch ♪
#You've got to pick up
every stitch, yeah ♪
#Beatniks are out to make it rich ♪
#Oh, no, must be
the season of the witch ♪
#Must be the season of the witch, yeah ♪
#Must be the season of the witch ♪