Agent Elvis (2023) s01e01 Episode Script

1
[police siren wails]
[engine revs]
[tires squeal]
[dramatic music]
[gunfire]
[engine revving]
[gunshot]
[tires squeal]
[tires screeching]
[feedback squeals]
[producer] Oh! Love it!
"Trouble"! One of the greatest
Elvis songs of all time.
How was the sound?
Hell yeah. Felt great.
But since that song's about
beating the shit out of somebody,
which is great in its own way,
maybe we try something more
Christmassy?
Yeah. I'm having kinda second thoughts
about the whole Christmas angle.
[producer]
I hear you. Great. Good thought.
So, let's try one
with Tiny Tim and the Elvis Elves.
[man coughs]
Thoughts?
[jazzy blues music]
[giggling]
Ladies.
Oh, for fuck's sake, Scatter.
I guess "Wait in the limo"
is a little too open-ended, huh?
What the hell?
You said we'd get to hang out with Elvis.
[cackles]
[cheeks squelching on window]
Now, you realize
that vest has pockets, right?
[crowd shouting indistinctly]
[speed-dialing]
[Priscilla, on phone] Hello?
Oh hey, baby. Did I call too late?
Only for one of us,
and she's sound asleep.
Well, give her a kiss for me, will you?
You sound tired, baby. You doing okay?
I don't know, 'Cilla.
Feels like the world out there
is going insane, and I'm stuck here
doing a shitty Christmas show
the Colonel locked me into.
Aw, I'm sure the show will be great.
Yeah. You mean
the one with the Elvis Elves?
Come on. "Elvis Elves"?
Trust me,
it's actually worse than it sounds.
No way.
Hello? 'Cilla?
Hey, ace, what happened to the phone?
[driver]
Sorry, just trying to speed things up.
[Elvis] Speed what up?
[driver] My job. Killing you.
Oh, and for whatever reason,
they wanted you to hear this
while you, you know, die.
Did he just say, "Killing me"?
[music plays]
Goulet?
Well, this fucking day
just keeps getting better and better.
[gibbering]
Damn it, Scatter! You shot me!
[Scatter coughing]
I swear to God, I should have
never gotten out of bed this morning.
- [Scatter screeches]
- Oh what, huh?
I'm not allowed to have a bad day?
[driver] Aw, shit!
[tires squealing]
- [truck horn blares]
- [screams]
[tires screech]
[screams]
Look here, pal. I've had a shit day,
so I'm gonna go ahead and kick your ass.
Hyah!
[woman] Huh? What in the hell?
[man] Holy shit. Is that Elvis?
For the next three weeks
I went hunting them nights ♪
Just looking for a place to play ♪
[yells]
But nobody wanted to hire a guitar man ♪
[grunting]
[gun hammer cocks]
[shouts and shrieks]
[grunting]
I run out of money and luck
So I bought me a ride ♪
Down to Macon, Georgia ♪
Started picking out
Some of them all-night bars ♪
Hoping I could make myself a dollar
Making music on my guitar ♪
I got the same old story
At them all-night piers ♪
You know there ain't no room around here
For a guitar man ♪
Sorry about that.
Oh my God, Elvis. That was amazing.
What was all that?
[Elvis] Oh that? Yeah.
You know, that That was a rehearsal.
It's what I'm doing for my new TV show.
Jesus, is that guy okay?
[Elvis] Oh yeah,
that's just fake blood, everybody.
And that there is fake, uh
Well, whatever that is. And
What's the new show called?
[intense music]
[feedback drones]
[Elvis] Rise and shine, asshole.
[driver] Oh, where am I?
Oh, you are fucking dead. I'll fucking
Jesus Christ.
You gotta be dumber
than a mud fence to be talking right now.
That's my friend, Bobby Ray.
You might want to listen to him.
Which house rule
am I thinking about right now?
Definitely not the one
about personal space.
You promised none of your vigilante
nonsense in this house, remember?
Won't even know we're here,
Miss Bertie.
Hey, when I get out of this,
I'm gonna fucking
More or less.
Mm.
That was Bertie, my rock.
Runs everything around here,
known me since I was in diapers.
And speaking of diapers, you see my chimp,
Scatter, over there with the hand cannon?
[growls]
That is a problem for you, friend.
You see, I decided a while ago,
I wasn't gonna just sit around
while this country's torn apart
by all the chaos, the dirtbag hippies,
the drugs, the crime.
No, no, no, not on my watch.
But Scatter here?
Hell, he just does it
because he gets off to it.
Not where I was going with that.
- [gibbers]
- You know, here's an idea.
Maybe try not
being disgusting all the time,
including in the hot tub that you clogged
with your damn monkey spunk.
That filter looked like a war crime!
Look at me. Here and now is
where you tell me who sent you to kill me.
Fuck you, singer boy.
They're not paying me to talk.
They? Well, who the hell's "they"?
Now you listen to me, scumbag. I promise
you Scatter's going to pull that trigger
- [gunshot]
- [Bobby Ray] Oh fuck!
"If"!
Goddamn it, Scatter.
I was gonna say, "If" he didn't talk!
[chatters]
Not sticking up for the chimp here,
boss, but it was a little confusing.
[Bertie] So
is this me not knowing you're here?
Just a little hiccup, Miss Bertie.
Just a little hiccup. Everything's fine.
Though technically
the living room has seen better days.
You know, there are ways
to turn you into
a quarter-sleeve cardigan.
You need to clean this up, now.
Because that sweater thing
sounded real specific.
[gibbering]
- Yeah. Like I know where the mop is.
- [door closes]
- Pull!
- [Scatter coos]
[gunshot]
I swear this crime-fighting crap's
gonna get you killed one day.
Yeah, but this one wasn't my fault.
The guy with the exploded head
started the whole damn thing.
[Bertie] Just like that, huh?
[Elvis]
All I know is somebody wants me dead.
Pull!
- [Scatter shouts]
- [gunshot]
You know, my money's on them Bolivians.
Negatory.
All those guys
are not really around anymore.
What is that? A to-go bag?
Put that shit back.
Hey! What about that mob guy
you ran into in Miami
when you were doing that Sinatra show?
[Elvis] Definitely not him.
There's that biker gang from last month.
Not after that explosion, there isn't.
Or maybe just another jealous husband
sick of his wife flooding her basement
every time you're on the TV Ow!
Doesn't really narrow it down, does it?
Besides, though, this felt different.
This guy This guy was a pro.
You even hear yourself?
I promised your mama
I was gonna look after you,
but if she was alive today, she'd
Say, "Thank you, Elvis, for trying
to make the world a better place."
"You're such a good boy, Elvis.
How about a snack?"
Oh, and then Mom would
probably cover her ears,
because this is going to get real loud.
Wait, wait, wait! Check it out, E.
Got bored and souped up
a pair of your sunglasses for you.
[Elvis, chuckling] Yeah.
Watch this.
[mellow music playing]
[gunshots]
[Bobby Ray] Hang on.
What happened to all the Christmas stuff?
There was a bunch of tinsel and shit.
I'm taking this thing over.
It's not gonna be
a Christmas special anymore.
Well, what then?
Glad you asked, buddy.
Because if I can dream,
this show's gonna make a statement.
- A statement?
- Damn straight.
Just full-tilt rock and roll, boys,
how we used to do it before
all the movies and all the bullshit.
Now, that, my chiseled friend,
is what I'm talking about.
Just you and the boys cranking it out.
Already got Scotty and DJ on a plane.
- Blowing the fucking doors off.
- Always.
If we deck this place out
with, like, a shit-ton of balloons
- [Elvis] What?
- multicolored streamers,
and Ooh! Bunting.
Absolutely not. Go get the car.
- [door opens]
- [woman] Excuse me.
[Elvis] Well, well, well.
Lady One, Lady Two, Lady Three.
Yes, ma'am, yes, ma'am, and yes, ma'am.
Now, how'd you get in here?
Any chance we can get a picture?
Well, sure thing, you bet. Come here now.
[camera clicking]
Okay, last one, I swear.
Sure, anything for the fans.
Which you, apparently, are not.
Okay, piggy, let's see those teeth.
- Say
- Wait. I think I know this one.
Cheese, dipshits!
Hyah!
[electricity crackles]
[Elvis]
Now that's what I'm talking about.
[whistles]
That was fucking weird, huh?
- What the hell was all that?
- Just doing my job.
- Sorry?
- [CeCe] Don't be. Later, gator!
[producer] Uh, okay.
I have a few notes.
You mind telling me
what the hell's going on?
Okay, this is gonna sound
a little/extremely weird, but
- you're on a kill list.
- [motorcycle engine revs]
I know. Sucks, am I right?
Hey, what's up, boss man?
Think I might be on a kill list.
Hmm. Well, that sucks.
Scatter, you got her?
[inhales]
[yells]
Oh, you sure this is a good idea, E?
When someone says, "Kill list,"
I've got a few follow-up questions.
No. I mean, trusting the chimp
to track some woman's lady parts scents.
Scatter's got it.
Does he? Because last time we tried this,
we ended up
at Gloria Steinem's crawfish boil.
You boys stay with the car,
which means not buying coked-up hookers,
he said really clearly this time.
If I'm not back in five, come and get me.
[funky percussive music]
[stammers]
Mr. Presley?
You got room for one more?
Of course, sir. Let me just check.
[Elvis] At ease, ace.
Wasn't really asking.
[rock music]
Now, there she is. Never got your name.
No. And there's a reason for that.
I want some answers.
No, I think what you really want
is the scallops mimosa. Oh!
- Sorry?
- Oh God, you won't be. Trust me.
First time I tried some,
so good I literally shit my pants.
You know, hearing that out loud,
they may have been undercooked
- Skip to the kill list.
- Oh, that.
- Yeah, somebody wants you dead.
- Who?
The name Charlie Manson
mean anything to you?
[woman giggling]
[woman] Ooh. Oh, you are bad!
Oh no. Don't you fucking do it, Jughead!
Hey there, daddy-o. Borrow a light?
Ooh! Yes, ma'am.
You can borrow whatever the hell you want:
a light, my car keys, my spleen.
We'll borrow you too,
while we're at it, Jack.
Don't just stand there, pick him up!
Am I talking to myself here?
That wasn't rhetorical. I'm really asking.
I've got six voices in my head right now.
Absolute psychopath
[whispers inaudibly]
who, small side note,
technically just kidnapped your friend.
- What?
- The one not wearing a diaper. Bobby Ray.
Oh, the fucking waiter just tell you that?
"Oh, did the fucking waiter" Yeah.
We've got eyes everywhere. Creepy, right?
You're not kidding. Where'd they take him?
- Can't tell you that.
- You're coming with me.
And cancel dinner
with a not-too-clingy radiologist
with size 13 shoes and a beach house?
[laughs] I don't think so.
Try again.
[guns cock]
Mm. Careful.
You don't look like an honorary
Shelby County deputy to me.
You mind telling me why
Dean Martin has a .38 aimed at my head?
That feels like a you problem.
Well, speaking of "you problems,"
if this Manson guy
really did take Bobby Ray
[rings]
[growls]
then you're about to see
why we don't let Scatter drive. Ever.
[all gasp]
[steam hissing]
[dirt sifting]
Let's take a ride.
[upbeat rockabilly music playing]
- Hey!
- [tires squeal]
[CeCe] It's called Spahn Ranch.
It used to be
a movie set for old westerns.
Huh. Looks like nobody's home.
[CeCe] No?
Well, "nobody" sure has a lot of horses.
[Elvis] Good point.
No shit. Trust me. This is home base
for Manson and his people.
So, now can we cool it
with whatever the fuck this is?
[snaps fingers]
Oh. Don't mind if I do.
[whispers] You're my new favorite.
[gibbers]
Only one way to find out.
You can get out now.
Hey, what do you think you're do
[thunder rumbling]
[yelling]
Uh, what am I doing? My job,
which is keeping you unmurdered.
And more importantly,
getting high with a monkey.
Either way, can we hurry this up?
[CeCe groaning]
So boring.
You know your friend's already dead
Hey, let me tell you something.
Bobby Ray grew up in the backwoods,
where the only things to do were
making moonshine and catching rabies.
Uh-huh.
And what is your insanely grim point here?
Bobby Ray is a survivor.
- Stay here.
- [inhales sharply]
Done.
[cocks gun]
[static crackling]
[Elvis] Goddamn it, Bobby Ray.
[floorboards creaking]
[thudding]
[thudding continues]
- [muffled screaming]
- [Elvis] Sweet mother of God.
Hey! Hey, they may be coming back soon.
So let's get you out of here.
What? No, I mean to fuck me again.
Seriously, E, these batshit-crazy
free-love chicks are on fire.
[Elvis] Uh, is that blood?
Okay, yeah, the sex got a little dark.
Not proud of it, but I'd do it again.
[discordant strumming]
What in the hell is that?
Whoa, whoa, easy with the gun, man.
What's with all the hostility?
You assholes kidnapped my friend.
Kidnapped?
[all laugh]
Who are you,
the charred remains of my last lawyer?
No, we just borrowed your friend
to get you here.
Now, relax, grab a seat.
We're all friendly here.
- [man] Join us.
- [woman] Come join us, man.
- Right.
- Hey, E?
Maybe let's get the hell out of here.
So, you gonna introduce us
to your fun new friends?
- Just fucking drive, Bobby Ray.
- Yep!
[tires squeal]
Step on it. Maybe I can still make dinner
with Dr. Timmy and his insanely big
[moans softly]
[Elvis] What?
Nice nap?
What the hell is this?
Oh, this? [snickers]
This is the gallows they used
filming Linda and Abilene,
an underappreciated psychosexual western.
And these folks here?
These are my people, man!
- [all cheer]
- Thank you, yes!
[laughs]
So are they here to just fuck around in
the dirt or to watch you try and kill me?
Kill you? Oh no, brother.
What the hell are you talking about?
- [Elvis] The kill list.
- Ugh.
I told Bloodlust Charlie
not to call it that.
But then Angry Charlie told me,
"Shut the fuck up!"
- No, you shut up.
- You shut up!
- Be quiet.
- Whose voice is that?
Everyone be quiet.
Shh.
Nothing completely insane
about any of that.
Can I go now?
Sure.
Well, assuming you want
to join the family.
Family? What fucking family?
We're all brothers and sisters here, man.
We're a family. Seriously.
Jerry over there does the dishes.
Martha's in charge of snacks.
Frank gets the drugs.
Betty over there,
well, she gets drugs too.
Actually, pretty much
everybody else gets drugs.
Don't forget to get drugs, everybody!
Now, I know what you're thinking.
You're worried you might not fit in.
[Elvis] Losing sleep over it.
You just got to give it time, man.
After we force-feed you LSD
for three straight months,
I promise you, you're gonna feel the love.
And by that, I mean
we fuck each other constantly, am I right?
- [all cheer]
- [laughs]
Yeah, bravo. Afraid I'm not your guy.
Of course you are. Don't you get it?
Pretend I don't.
You and me, we're the same.
We're both electric personalities,
making music that'll change the world.
- Music?
- With the help of you
and everybody else on this list,
I'm going all the way to the top.
What the hell are you
- [off-key chanting]
- [strums]
Sweet mother of God.
Does that answer your question?
- Not the way I think you wanted.
- So what do you say?
[whispering] Yes. Say yes.
I'd say, if I wanted to hang out
with a bunch of shitbag hippies,
I'd return Dennis Hopper's phone calls.
[gunshot]
[crowd cheers]
- E!
- Oh, goddamn it.
You know, I'm not so much angry
as I am disappointed.
I blame myself, really.
The king piggy goes down, man.
[crowd, chanting]
Charlie! Charlie! Charlie!
[Elvis] Hey.
You owe me a new badge, dickhead.
Oh God. Oh Daddy, is anything broken?
Get him.
Okay, some of those
seem awfully big to keep in your pants.
[shouts]
[rousing rock music playing]
[growls and shrieks]
[all yell]
[woman shrieks]
[screams]
[panting]
Huh. Well, that's new.
They're not going down!
They're like hippie zombies!
Even better.
They're so high, they can't feel a thing.
[laughing] It's beautiful, man!
Blah, blah, blah!
God, it's nonstop with that guy.
[gibbering]
[man] No! Let go!
[explosion]
[neighs]
[blade rings]
Shit.
[CeCe] Hey, jackass. This
This is why I didn't want to come here.
No! [sobbing]
Fucking animals!
Look what you did to my beautiful family.
Now you have to pay.
- Huh. Okay.
- A grenade?
- [horses whinny]
- Ah!
[gibbering]
Planet of the Apes.
God, he loves that movie.
Aw, fuck.
[Charles screams]
[sobs]
You killed my sister/daughter-wife!
You fucking ass
[bones crunch]
Say, I've been meaning to ask you.
Nice outfit. What kind of leather's that?
- Italian. I'm not an animal.
- Where do you get something like that?
With your waistline? You don't.
You sure we can't give you a ride?
Nope, nope. Got some cleaning up to do.
Don't worry, we got people.
[groaning]
"We" being?
- Good luck with the show.
- Hey, speaking of Bobby Ray!
- Yo!
- Score our new friend here some tickets.
Oh. Thanks, but no, thanks.
Not a big rock and roll fan, huh?
Sure, sure, let's go with that.
[Scatter chattering]
[chuckles]
Definitely my favorite.
[Elvis] of a better land ♪
Where all my brothers
Walk hand in hand ♪
Tell me why, oh why ♪
Oh why can't my dream come true? ♪
Oh why? ♪
There must be peace and understanding ♪
Sometime ♪
Strong winds of promise ♪
That will blow away ♪
All the doubt and fear ♪
[song continues quietly over radio]
If I can dream ♪
Of a warmer sun ♪
[The Commander] So,
you think he's ready?
You tell me, boss. How'd he do
on your little fake limo assassin test?
[The Commander] Yeah, um, been meaning
to talk to you about that.
- What?
- Were you and Doug close?
I don't know, we were kinda dating,
mostly over-the-pants stuff, why?
Mm. Mm-hmm.
Well, because I gave Doug
the limo assignment, and it didn't go
Gosh, what's the word?
Uh, perfectly.
Oh. He's a big boy. He'll be fine.
Well [chuckles]
maybe I'm underselling this a bit.
The monkey shot him in the face
and blew his head off.
Seriously?
Yes. I'm making my serious face.
Meh. He was kind of a dick anyway.
Oh, let it come true right now ♪
Oh yeah ♪
[chorus] Oh yeah ♪
- [music ends]
- [audience cheers]
Thank you, and good night.
[upbeat rockabilly music]