Agua Donkeys (2020) s01e01 Episode Script
New Policy
[PANTING.]
Two-fifty-one, forty-four.
Dude, you just beat your old record by three one-hundredths of a second.
[SIGHS.]
You wanna know how I did it? I just looked at this the whole time I was down there.
[PANTS.]
What? Would you mind if I borrowed that? Not at all.
[PANTING.]
How's it going? Agua Donkeys.
My buddy got his puka shell necklace stuck in your drain.
Can you do CPR on him? I would, but I'm not gay.
- I don't know CPR.
- I'm certified.
I can talk you through it.
- Wait, I think my dad knows.
- Hold up.
My buddy's not gay either.
Get in here, bud.
All right, everyone.
Necklaces off.
Looking that sick is not worth it.
That being said, Jer just broke his holding breath record by five minutes.
[ROD.]
Five minutes? How'd you not pass out? I did pass out.
It actually makes it a lot easier.
That way you're not focused on the wrong stuff.
And when was this again? Rod, Jer's not dead now.
That's all that matters.
[SOBBING.]
[MP.]
Jackie, it's okay to cry.
Watching that girl's dad give Jer CPR jacked me up too.
Oh, no, no, no.
It's It's not that.
It's just that uh, Mason and I broke up.
[SNIFFLING.]
- Shoot.
- Oh.
Uh-uh.
I'm sorry, Jackie.
You okay? - Are you okay? Do you need anything? - Yeah, Jackie, we're sorry.
Yeah, I'll be fine.
I just need a moment.
I've never seen Jackie cry like that before.
She's usually so strong.
I wonder if she broke up with him.
She for sure broke up with him.
Who would break up with a girl as perfect as Jackie? She's good at scheduling.
She's a hard worker.
She's got great style.
If she was any more down-to-earth, she'd be covered in dirt.
I'd dig her up and still date her.
How many times in our lives is our dream girl that we happen to work with gonna be single? Never.
Except for right now.
So now what? I bet Leonard will know what to do.
Leonard will for sure know.
So which one of you wants to date her? We both do, individually.
How's that work? We like a lot of the same stuff.
We were just wondering, Leonard, what would you do if you had the chance to date your dream girl? The chance of a lifetime.
Let me tell you guys a story.
Once, when I was doing hard time for third-degree murder, we were all eating lunch in the cafeteria.
And this dude sat at my table who had no business sitting at my table.
So what'd you do? I sent him to the prison hospital made sure he never came back out.
My point being if a situation needs fixing you do whatever it takes to fix it.
Damn, Leonard.
Damn it, Leonard.
Where's Jackie? Sent her home.
Poor girl's had a rough day.
- Oh - Okay.
What? We had a surprise for her to try and cheer her up.
Can't you give it to her tomorrow? [JER SUCKS TEETH.]
- Um - Mmm How is this supposed to cheer her up, again? Because Jackie's a queen and it's about time she got treated like one.
That's why this horse and carriage is headed to whichever steakhouse our queen wants.
What are you guys doing? You can't take Jackie on a date.
Why not? [ROD.]
This is really nice of you guys.
Agua Donkeys is a workplace environment.
We gotta keep it professional.
We don't have to do it here.
What's Jackie's address? [JER.]
How many miles do we have left? You guys aren't getting it.
You can't take Jackie on a date ever.
You work with her.
There's no rule against it.
Well, there is now.
New policy.
At Agua Donkeys, you can't ask out Jackie.
- What? - What? [ROD.]
Guys I'm trying to run a business here.
Jackie's a crucial part of that business.
And I can't risk having you guys mess that up.
Yeah, but what if Jackie wants to date us? If Jackie really wants to date you guys, then she'll ask you out.
Otherwise, let's keep it professional.
Rod doesn't even know he just hooked us up so good.
Asking out the girl of your dreams is scary.
Now Jackie has to do the hard part.
[JER.]
It's not gonna be hard for Jackie.
That girl has so much confidence.
[MP.]
She's so confident.
Two-fifty-one, forty-four.
Dude, you just beat your old record by three one-hundredths of a second.
[SIGHS.]
You wanna know how I did it? I just looked at this the whole time I was down there.
[PANTS.]
What? Would you mind if I borrowed that? Not at all.
[PANTING.]
How's it going? Agua Donkeys.
My buddy got his puka shell necklace stuck in your drain.
Can you do CPR on him? I would, but I'm not gay.
- I don't know CPR.
- I'm certified.
I can talk you through it.
- Wait, I think my dad knows.
- Hold up.
My buddy's not gay either.
Get in here, bud.
All right, everyone.
Necklaces off.
Looking that sick is not worth it.
That being said, Jer just broke his holding breath record by five minutes.
[ROD.]
Five minutes? How'd you not pass out? I did pass out.
It actually makes it a lot easier.
That way you're not focused on the wrong stuff.
And when was this again? Rod, Jer's not dead now.
That's all that matters.
[SOBBING.]
[MP.]
Jackie, it's okay to cry.
Watching that girl's dad give Jer CPR jacked me up too.
Oh, no, no, no.
It's It's not that.
It's just that uh, Mason and I broke up.
[SNIFFLING.]
- Shoot.
- Oh.
Uh-uh.
I'm sorry, Jackie.
You okay? - Are you okay? Do you need anything? - Yeah, Jackie, we're sorry.
Yeah, I'll be fine.
I just need a moment.
I've never seen Jackie cry like that before.
She's usually so strong.
I wonder if she broke up with him.
She for sure broke up with him.
Who would break up with a girl as perfect as Jackie? She's good at scheduling.
She's a hard worker.
She's got great style.
If she was any more down-to-earth, she'd be covered in dirt.
I'd dig her up and still date her.
How many times in our lives is our dream girl that we happen to work with gonna be single? Never.
Except for right now.
So now what? I bet Leonard will know what to do.
Leonard will for sure know.
So which one of you wants to date her? We both do, individually.
How's that work? We like a lot of the same stuff.
We were just wondering, Leonard, what would you do if you had the chance to date your dream girl? The chance of a lifetime.
Let me tell you guys a story.
Once, when I was doing hard time for third-degree murder, we were all eating lunch in the cafeteria.
And this dude sat at my table who had no business sitting at my table.
So what'd you do? I sent him to the prison hospital made sure he never came back out.
My point being if a situation needs fixing you do whatever it takes to fix it.
Damn, Leonard.
Damn it, Leonard.
Where's Jackie? Sent her home.
Poor girl's had a rough day.
- Oh - Okay.
What? We had a surprise for her to try and cheer her up.
Can't you give it to her tomorrow? [JER SUCKS TEETH.]
- Um - Mmm How is this supposed to cheer her up, again? Because Jackie's a queen and it's about time she got treated like one.
That's why this horse and carriage is headed to whichever steakhouse our queen wants.
What are you guys doing? You can't take Jackie on a date.
Why not? [ROD.]
This is really nice of you guys.
Agua Donkeys is a workplace environment.
We gotta keep it professional.
We don't have to do it here.
What's Jackie's address? [JER.]
How many miles do we have left? You guys aren't getting it.
You can't take Jackie on a date ever.
You work with her.
There's no rule against it.
Well, there is now.
New policy.
At Agua Donkeys, you can't ask out Jackie.
- What? - What? [ROD.]
Guys I'm trying to run a business here.
Jackie's a crucial part of that business.
And I can't risk having you guys mess that up.
Yeah, but what if Jackie wants to date us? If Jackie really wants to date you guys, then she'll ask you out.
Otherwise, let's keep it professional.
Rod doesn't even know he just hooked us up so good.
Asking out the girl of your dreams is scary.
Now Jackie has to do the hard part.
[JER.]
It's not gonna be hard for Jackie.
That girl has so much confidence.
[MP.]
She's so confident.