ALF s01e01 Episode Script
A.L.F.
[ Willie .]
this is the way it began that extraordinary night; The night "he" came.
Let me just shut this thing off.
[ Beep, beep, beep .]
what's that noise? [ Repeating beeps .]
Oh, my gosh! It's the infrared radio band.
I've locked in to something in space; A pulsar or a satellite.
Hello? Hello? This is k-7-2-6-X-A-A.
Can you read me? [ Unrecognizable language .]
They're answering, but i don't recognize the language.
Why don't you just shut it off? I can't.
I can't control it.
It's locked in.
Willie, look.
What's that? Oh, my gosh! It can't be! What happened to the lights? Daddy, what's that thing in the sky? What's going on? It's closing in fast.
I think we better [ Boom! .]
[ Spaceship-Type humming .]
We-- We have a visitor.
** Here he comes! Here he comes! Brian, stay with me.
My gosh, it's hairy! Let's put it over here.
No! Lynn, clear off the coffee table.
Quick, it's heavy.
Heavy and hairy! [ Gasp .]
[ Lynn .]
i can't believe it.
What do you think it is? A real alien! Willie-- Willie what is it? I don't know.
Brian's right.
It's an alf.
What? An alf.
An a-L-F.
That's short for "alien life form.
" Can alf stay in my room? No! This thing is not staying in-- It's not staying! Why not? E.
T.
Got to stay.
E.
T.
Was a movie.
This is real.
This is on our coffee table.
This is incredible; truly amazing.
After all those years of wondering, and hoping That it might be possible to contact alien life-- To have this happen, it's a miracle.
It's the fulfillment of a lifelong dream.
Get rid of it! Absolutely.
We don't know anything about it.
It could be dangerous.
It could be diseased.
It could be hostile, Or have hostile friends or acquaintances.
It could be anything.
We better report it to the authorities.
What if the authorities do something to it? Yeah, what if they poke needles in it? No, they wouldn't poke needles in it.
Would they, willie? Well, they could.
I don't think they would, but they could.
And they might.
It's exciting, but there's no alternative.
We've got to report this! What other choice do we have? Aagh.
Ah, can i make a suggestion? Sure, why not? Well, if it's not too much trouble, How about fixing my spaceship? Hello! Read my lips.
It talks.
It's heavy, it's hairy and it talks.
Good.
Now how about fixing my spaceship So i can get my heavy, hairy body out of here? [ Willie .]
i'm not sure I can fix your spaceship.
I mean, not tonight, not in the dark.
Yeah, you could use a light in that driveway.
I've been meaning to put one out there, But you know how it is.
You get busy with one thing and another.
- Willie! - I'm sorry.
It seems so human! Hey, there's no need for name calling.
I don't think we should get too friendly, willie.
She's right.
Let's have a snack now.
We'll get friendly later.
Snack? What kind of snack? You got a cat? You eat cats? You can't eat lucky.
No cat eating.
Not in this house.
All right, all right.
How about a cat-Food can? I could use the roughage.
Can we give alf a can, mom? Please? Please? All right.
A dented one.
C'mon, alf.
[ Kate .]
we're going with you.
That is amazing.
Isn't that amazing? Willie, will you come down to earth for a minute? An alien being has come to live with us, And eat our cans and snack on our cat.
[ Alf .]
yeah, this will do fine.
[ Tin can crunching .]
All right.
Just give me one day, okay? If i can't get alf going, We'll tell somebody.
Just one day.
[ Sigh .]
Okay.
Meow! He's quick! I'll give him that.
[ Alarm clock buzz .]
'Morning.
'Morning.
Ahhhhhhh! Ahhhhhh! Willie! Willie! What's going on out there? Nothing.
Just screaming.
Move out of the way.
No problem.
Let me put it this way, willie.
I don't think this is going to work out.
I'll take care of it.
Everything's fine.
Everything's under control.
Interesting concept.
Please, come away from there.
Come on! Over here by me.
We've a little problem to discuss.
You're blind as a bat.
Would you give those to me, please.
No problem.
You must understand that kate is nervous about this.
Absolutely.
Who's kate? My wife.
Oh, yeah.
She snores.
She doesn't snore.
You calling me a liar? You just keep your distance, all right? And try to be considerate.
No problem.
That is not considerate! That is the opposite of considerate! That is inconsiderate! Look, let's just-- Let's just settle down here.
Let's just take this one step at a time.
There's no need for you to shave.
You look fine.
I want to do everything you do.
You're my idol.
I'm going to take a shower now.
Count me in.
I'd like to take it alone, thank you.
Okay.
Just don't use all the hot water.
Do you mind? Never saw a thing.
And stay away from the window.
We've got a very nosy neighbor, mrs.
Ochmonek.
"Ochmonek.
" Sounds like a typo.
Don't let her see you.
She might turn you in.
Trevor, is there such a thing as a cross Between a kangaroo and an aardvark? [ Trevor .]
ah, stop putting yourself down.
I'm not talking about me.
I'm talking about that thing Staring at me from that bathroom window.
[ Trevor .]
what? I don't see nothing.
It was there a second ago.
I think it was shaving.
Yeah, right, and i'm sean penn.
[ Gasp .]
Towel.
Talking to me? Hand me something to dry off with.
You got it.
Will this do the trick? No problem.
- Alf! - Yeah, how you doing up there, william? Frankly, i could use a little help.
I don't know much about this thing.
Me either.
I turn the key and it goes.
I'll get the wrench, dad.
Lynn, do you happen to have a phone here? No, why? K-L-V-Z "bonus tune.
" a new porsche.
Forget it.
Must be a licensed driver.
I'm a licensed driver.
Quick, what's the name of the tune? Wrench, please! "Born in the u.
S.
A.
" No wonder i didn't know it.
I'll call.
Wrench! What's the phone number? Area code, 311-555-98 Wrrr-Ench! Sorry, dad.
Thank you.
Alf, i think you better make contact With your people.
I have tried.
I've tried again and again.
It's an exercise in futility.
Let's face it.
I'm trapped here! I'll never see the purple side of my planet again! [ Sobbing .]
[ Gasp .]
Too dramatic? Would you mind-- I'm out of here.
If you need me, i'll be in the house.
We won't need you.
I'll still be in the house.
Yo! Lucky, my man.
Meow! [ T.
V.
.]
So, kids, which one is not like the other? Do you get "sesame street" where you live? No, and frankly i don't get it here, either.
[ T.
V.
.]
If you said, "it was the cow riding on the subway," You're absolutely right.
Brilliant! This and the letter "i" in one day.
I've got to get something to drink.
Me, too.
Where are you two going? We've got to get something to drink.
We're parched.
Okay, but No soda pop, and nothing to eat before dinner.
Yes, ma'am.
Yes, ma'am.
Geez, what's with the warden? [ Pop-Top cans opening .]
I said, "no soda pop.
" It's not soda pop.
It's beer.
[ Burp .]
you're about out of coors.
What? Give those to me! Hey, careful.
His is still full.
[ Sigh .]
Now you listen to me, alf.
I will not allow this behavior in my house.
This boy is only He is not to drink beer and you're not to drink beer.
I don't know what it's like on mork, Or whatever planet you come from-- Melmac.
What? Melmac.
That was the name of my planet.
It's also what it was made out of.
What do you mean, "was"? That's the thing, kate.
-- Uh, ma'am.
Melmac's history.
Um, are you trying to tell me That you can't go back to melmac? It exploded.
This was my street.
Now, if willie fixes my ship, I suppose i could start a new life somewhere else On some desolate, crater-Filled asteroid, And spend the rest of my life fending off gamma rays.
No, alf.
No.
We want you to stay here with us, don't we, mom? Brian, please try to understand.
Hey, the kid wants me to stay.
Alf, do you mind? No problem.
We can't hide alf forever, and i can't go on like this; Watching him every moment, Wondering what he's going to do next.
[ Burp .]
But he'll be good.
He won't break the rules anymore.
Will you, alf? Cross my heart! Meow.
How you doing, lucky? See? No problem.
[ Groans .]
[ Knock at door .]
Oh, no.
Who could that be? I don't know.
Don't answer it, mom, please.
[ Kate .]
brian, i'm going to answer the door.
No! Yes! It's probably mrs.
Ochmonek, But even if it's not-- It's not! What? It's not mrs.
Ochmonek, Unless she's just joined the army.
[ Knock, knock .]
It's a military man.
What if he wants to take alf away? I don't know, brian.
If that's why he's here, And i decide that's the right thing to do, You'll have to understand.
Okay? Yes, mom.
[ Knock, knock .]
We gave at the office.
Alf! Did you fix the spaceship? I'm sorry.
I couldn't do it.
I don't have the right parts.
[ Knock, knock .]
Ball's in your court.
[ Knock, knock .]
Mrs.
Tanner? Yes.
I'm darnell valentine With the alien task force stationed at edwards.
Mind if i come in? Yes, i do.
Fine with me.
Mrs.
Tanner, we received an anonymous tip That you might be harboring a space creature.
A space creature? Yes.
Hairy, About 3 feet tall.
Is he considered dangerous? Hard to tell until we get it into the lab.
What would you do with him If you did get him in the lab? Oh, the usual battery of tests.
We'll see how he responds to intense heat, Freezing cold, High voltage, Toxic substances, Pain, Sleep deprivation, Inoculation, That's needles, And of course, dissection.
[ Gulp .]
Why don't you just Pull it's toenails out? You didn't let me finish.
Don't bother.
We are not harboring any space creatures.
Fine.
Thank you.
Have a nice day.
[ Willie .]
excuse me, sir, Could you tell us who gave you our name? As i told mrs.
Tanner, that information Is strictly ochmonek, uh, anonymous.
Good-Bye.
Thanks, mom.
Thanks, mom.
Yeah, thanks, Mom.
I love this woman.
See if i can get this thing going.
Pull these here.
[ Bang .]
The melmac touch.
Hello? Anybody there? Yo! Calling anybody from melmac.
Hello? Skip? Larry? Muffy? It's gordon.
Look, i don't know if you can hear me, But i just wanted to let you know i'm okay.
I'm living with what they call, "a family.
" They're sort of like a herd, only smaller.
There's this guy named, willie.
He's got a good heart and lots of smarts For someone without fur.
Then there's his wife, kate.
Oh, dig this Her hair is the same color as mine Only her's is natural.
Ha! Ha! Ha! Yeah, and they've got these two terrific kids Who both idolize me.
So you know they're okay.
But I wanted to tell you something.
I-- I really miss all of you.
And The thought of never seeing you again Sort of breaks my heart.
So You know, if you could, Try to get in touch with me, Or better yet, Come by.
And I'll introduce you to these lovely people.
Then we could eat their cat! So, the droid says to the "cranble" To tell the truth, i'd feel better If she lived another Ha! Ha! Ha! I think that really was amusing; "6 light years away.
" I guess you had to be there.
I was! Ha! I hate to be a black cloud, but what do we do with alf When lynn has her pajama party next week? That's right.
No problem.
I wear a size 5, But nothing with feet in it! Ha! Ha! Ha! Oh, i've got a zillion of them.
Here's another one you won't like.
These two space travelers are going through andromeda, And they run into a space patrol.
He was a rookie-- by alien productions all rights reserved
this is the way it began that extraordinary night; The night "he" came.
Let me just shut this thing off.
[ Beep, beep, beep .]
what's that noise? [ Repeating beeps .]
Oh, my gosh! It's the infrared radio band.
I've locked in to something in space; A pulsar or a satellite.
Hello? Hello? This is k-7-2-6-X-A-A.
Can you read me? [ Unrecognizable language .]
They're answering, but i don't recognize the language.
Why don't you just shut it off? I can't.
I can't control it.
It's locked in.
Willie, look.
What's that? Oh, my gosh! It can't be! What happened to the lights? Daddy, what's that thing in the sky? What's going on? It's closing in fast.
I think we better [ Boom! .]
[ Spaceship-Type humming .]
We-- We have a visitor.
** Here he comes! Here he comes! Brian, stay with me.
My gosh, it's hairy! Let's put it over here.
No! Lynn, clear off the coffee table.
Quick, it's heavy.
Heavy and hairy! [ Gasp .]
[ Lynn .]
i can't believe it.
What do you think it is? A real alien! Willie-- Willie what is it? I don't know.
Brian's right.
It's an alf.
What? An alf.
An a-L-F.
That's short for "alien life form.
" Can alf stay in my room? No! This thing is not staying in-- It's not staying! Why not? E.
T.
Got to stay.
E.
T.
Was a movie.
This is real.
This is on our coffee table.
This is incredible; truly amazing.
After all those years of wondering, and hoping That it might be possible to contact alien life-- To have this happen, it's a miracle.
It's the fulfillment of a lifelong dream.
Get rid of it! Absolutely.
We don't know anything about it.
It could be dangerous.
It could be diseased.
It could be hostile, Or have hostile friends or acquaintances.
It could be anything.
We better report it to the authorities.
What if the authorities do something to it? Yeah, what if they poke needles in it? No, they wouldn't poke needles in it.
Would they, willie? Well, they could.
I don't think they would, but they could.
And they might.
It's exciting, but there's no alternative.
We've got to report this! What other choice do we have? Aagh.
Ah, can i make a suggestion? Sure, why not? Well, if it's not too much trouble, How about fixing my spaceship? Hello! Read my lips.
It talks.
It's heavy, it's hairy and it talks.
Good.
Now how about fixing my spaceship So i can get my heavy, hairy body out of here? [ Willie .]
i'm not sure I can fix your spaceship.
I mean, not tonight, not in the dark.
Yeah, you could use a light in that driveway.
I've been meaning to put one out there, But you know how it is.
You get busy with one thing and another.
- Willie! - I'm sorry.
It seems so human! Hey, there's no need for name calling.
I don't think we should get too friendly, willie.
She's right.
Let's have a snack now.
We'll get friendly later.
Snack? What kind of snack? You got a cat? You eat cats? You can't eat lucky.
No cat eating.
Not in this house.
All right, all right.
How about a cat-Food can? I could use the roughage.
Can we give alf a can, mom? Please? Please? All right.
A dented one.
C'mon, alf.
[ Kate .]
we're going with you.
That is amazing.
Isn't that amazing? Willie, will you come down to earth for a minute? An alien being has come to live with us, And eat our cans and snack on our cat.
[ Alf .]
yeah, this will do fine.
[ Tin can crunching .]
All right.
Just give me one day, okay? If i can't get alf going, We'll tell somebody.
Just one day.
[ Sigh .]
Okay.
Meow! He's quick! I'll give him that.
[ Alarm clock buzz .]
'Morning.
'Morning.
Ahhhhhhh! Ahhhhhh! Willie! Willie! What's going on out there? Nothing.
Just screaming.
Move out of the way.
No problem.
Let me put it this way, willie.
I don't think this is going to work out.
I'll take care of it.
Everything's fine.
Everything's under control.
Interesting concept.
Please, come away from there.
Come on! Over here by me.
We've a little problem to discuss.
You're blind as a bat.
Would you give those to me, please.
No problem.
You must understand that kate is nervous about this.
Absolutely.
Who's kate? My wife.
Oh, yeah.
She snores.
She doesn't snore.
You calling me a liar? You just keep your distance, all right? And try to be considerate.
No problem.
That is not considerate! That is the opposite of considerate! That is inconsiderate! Look, let's just-- Let's just settle down here.
Let's just take this one step at a time.
There's no need for you to shave.
You look fine.
I want to do everything you do.
You're my idol.
I'm going to take a shower now.
Count me in.
I'd like to take it alone, thank you.
Okay.
Just don't use all the hot water.
Do you mind? Never saw a thing.
And stay away from the window.
We've got a very nosy neighbor, mrs.
Ochmonek.
"Ochmonek.
" Sounds like a typo.
Don't let her see you.
She might turn you in.
Trevor, is there such a thing as a cross Between a kangaroo and an aardvark? [ Trevor .]
ah, stop putting yourself down.
I'm not talking about me.
I'm talking about that thing Staring at me from that bathroom window.
[ Trevor .]
what? I don't see nothing.
It was there a second ago.
I think it was shaving.
Yeah, right, and i'm sean penn.
[ Gasp .]
Towel.
Talking to me? Hand me something to dry off with.
You got it.
Will this do the trick? No problem.
- Alf! - Yeah, how you doing up there, william? Frankly, i could use a little help.
I don't know much about this thing.
Me either.
I turn the key and it goes.
I'll get the wrench, dad.
Lynn, do you happen to have a phone here? No, why? K-L-V-Z "bonus tune.
" a new porsche.
Forget it.
Must be a licensed driver.
I'm a licensed driver.
Quick, what's the name of the tune? Wrench, please! "Born in the u.
S.
A.
" No wonder i didn't know it.
I'll call.
Wrench! What's the phone number? Area code, 311-555-98 Wrrr-Ench! Sorry, dad.
Thank you.
Alf, i think you better make contact With your people.
I have tried.
I've tried again and again.
It's an exercise in futility.
Let's face it.
I'm trapped here! I'll never see the purple side of my planet again! [ Sobbing .]
[ Gasp .]
Too dramatic? Would you mind-- I'm out of here.
If you need me, i'll be in the house.
We won't need you.
I'll still be in the house.
Yo! Lucky, my man.
Meow! [ T.
V.
.]
So, kids, which one is not like the other? Do you get "sesame street" where you live? No, and frankly i don't get it here, either.
[ T.
V.
.]
If you said, "it was the cow riding on the subway," You're absolutely right.
Brilliant! This and the letter "i" in one day.
I've got to get something to drink.
Me, too.
Where are you two going? We've got to get something to drink.
We're parched.
Okay, but No soda pop, and nothing to eat before dinner.
Yes, ma'am.
Yes, ma'am.
Geez, what's with the warden? [ Pop-Top cans opening .]
I said, "no soda pop.
" It's not soda pop.
It's beer.
[ Burp .]
you're about out of coors.
What? Give those to me! Hey, careful.
His is still full.
[ Sigh .]
Now you listen to me, alf.
I will not allow this behavior in my house.
This boy is only He is not to drink beer and you're not to drink beer.
I don't know what it's like on mork, Or whatever planet you come from-- Melmac.
What? Melmac.
That was the name of my planet.
It's also what it was made out of.
What do you mean, "was"? That's the thing, kate.
-- Uh, ma'am.
Melmac's history.
Um, are you trying to tell me That you can't go back to melmac? It exploded.
This was my street.
Now, if willie fixes my ship, I suppose i could start a new life somewhere else On some desolate, crater-Filled asteroid, And spend the rest of my life fending off gamma rays.
No, alf.
No.
We want you to stay here with us, don't we, mom? Brian, please try to understand.
Hey, the kid wants me to stay.
Alf, do you mind? No problem.
We can't hide alf forever, and i can't go on like this; Watching him every moment, Wondering what he's going to do next.
[ Burp .]
But he'll be good.
He won't break the rules anymore.
Will you, alf? Cross my heart! Meow.
How you doing, lucky? See? No problem.
[ Groans .]
[ Knock at door .]
Oh, no.
Who could that be? I don't know.
Don't answer it, mom, please.
[ Kate .]
brian, i'm going to answer the door.
No! Yes! It's probably mrs.
Ochmonek, But even if it's not-- It's not! What? It's not mrs.
Ochmonek, Unless she's just joined the army.
[ Knock, knock .]
It's a military man.
What if he wants to take alf away? I don't know, brian.
If that's why he's here, And i decide that's the right thing to do, You'll have to understand.
Okay? Yes, mom.
[ Knock, knock .]
We gave at the office.
Alf! Did you fix the spaceship? I'm sorry.
I couldn't do it.
I don't have the right parts.
[ Knock, knock .]
Ball's in your court.
[ Knock, knock .]
Mrs.
Tanner? Yes.
I'm darnell valentine With the alien task force stationed at edwards.
Mind if i come in? Yes, i do.
Fine with me.
Mrs.
Tanner, we received an anonymous tip That you might be harboring a space creature.
A space creature? Yes.
Hairy, About 3 feet tall.
Is he considered dangerous? Hard to tell until we get it into the lab.
What would you do with him If you did get him in the lab? Oh, the usual battery of tests.
We'll see how he responds to intense heat, Freezing cold, High voltage, Toxic substances, Pain, Sleep deprivation, Inoculation, That's needles, And of course, dissection.
[ Gulp .]
Why don't you just Pull it's toenails out? You didn't let me finish.
Don't bother.
We are not harboring any space creatures.
Fine.
Thank you.
Have a nice day.
[ Willie .]
excuse me, sir, Could you tell us who gave you our name? As i told mrs.
Tanner, that information Is strictly ochmonek, uh, anonymous.
Good-Bye.
Thanks, mom.
Thanks, mom.
Yeah, thanks, Mom.
I love this woman.
See if i can get this thing going.
Pull these here.
[ Bang .]
The melmac touch.
Hello? Anybody there? Yo! Calling anybody from melmac.
Hello? Skip? Larry? Muffy? It's gordon.
Look, i don't know if you can hear me, But i just wanted to let you know i'm okay.
I'm living with what they call, "a family.
" They're sort of like a herd, only smaller.
There's this guy named, willie.
He's got a good heart and lots of smarts For someone without fur.
Then there's his wife, kate.
Oh, dig this Her hair is the same color as mine Only her's is natural.
Ha! Ha! Ha! Yeah, and they've got these two terrific kids Who both idolize me.
So you know they're okay.
But I wanted to tell you something.
I-- I really miss all of you.
And The thought of never seeing you again Sort of breaks my heart.
So You know, if you could, Try to get in touch with me, Or better yet, Come by.
And I'll introduce you to these lovely people.
Then we could eat their cat! So, the droid says to the "cranble" To tell the truth, i'd feel better If she lived another Ha! Ha! Ha! I think that really was amusing; "6 light years away.
" I guess you had to be there.
I was! Ha! I hate to be a black cloud, but what do we do with alf When lynn has her pajama party next week? That's right.
No problem.
I wear a size 5, But nothing with feet in it! Ha! Ha! Ha! Oh, i've got a zillion of them.
Here's another one you won't like.
These two space travelers are going through andromeda, And they run into a space patrol.
He was a rookie-- by alien productions all rights reserved