All About The Washingtons (2018) s01e01 Episode Script

1 - [audience cheering.]
- [man.]
Ladies and gentlemen - [scratching record.]
- Ladies and gentlemen Ya'll ready for us to go platinum? Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame MC Joe Speed! [hip hop music playing.]
So you lace 'em and replace 'em 'Cause you're bracing to kill Different flavors 'cause your neighbors Always up in your grill You the baddest The status that ain't holding you back And you gotta keep your rep Step ahead in the pack And that's Speed! Like this, ya'll, it don't stop I can't stop.
I won't stop.
I'll never stop! I got to stop.
All about the Washingtons It's like this, y'all [theme rap song.]
All about the Washingtons, ooh! Ooh! All about the Washingtons Ooh! Ooh! [shouting.]
- Hey! - [Joey.]
What's up? - Welcome home, Dad.
- Oh, my God.
I missed you so much.
Okay, Dad, I just recorded this dope new song.
Will you send it to your label? Come on, Wes! You gotta give me a minute.
- I just got off tour, man.
- [sighs.]
Okay.
- Veronica! Did you get a nose ring? - No.
I got two.
Dad! What'd you bring me? I got you this machine from Germany.
- What does it do? - It makes fart sounds in German.
Man! Does this guy know me or what? Oh, and, Skyler, I got some really cool math books from Japan that you can work on with your tutor.
Yeah Calvin quit.
Calvin quit? What's this, the fourth homeschool teacher this year? I know.
I thought because he worked with prison inmates, he would have a bit more staying power.
It's not my fault he couldn't adequately explain the Bismarck Aero web of European alliances.
Although I probably could have raised that without bringing his mother into it.
We clearly got a lot to catch up on, but before we do, I gotta tell your mother some important news.
Oh, Is it that you're sending my song to your label? [laughs.]
So, what's the big news? Okay, I hope you're prepared, 'cause this is important.
It's about us.
Are you trying to divorce me, Joey? 'Cause I swear to God, I will tie you up, drop your behind in a ditch on 595.
I am not playing.
I'm not trying to divorce you, Jus.
I love you.
Ha! I know.
I was just playing.
[audience laughing.]
I've been in the game a long time, always trying to figure out my next move.
How can I keep on winning? And then it hit me.
Maybe the way to win the game once and for all, is to get out the game.
Are you talking about retiring, Joey? Yes.
You know that picture I love of Jack Nicklaus on Almafi Coast eating a big hero sandwich on a yacht? It's Jack Nicholson, but go ahead, you're rolling.
That could be me eating that sandwich, on a big yacht that says "Justine" on the side.
That could be us.
Relaxing, traveling the world.
All these other rappers out there doing their thing.
They look at me and my family and say, "That dude is the king.
He got his sandwich.
" This could be good.
- This could really be good.
- That's exactly what I'm telling you.
I mean, if you're slowing this thing down, Joey, I can speed it on up.
Exactly.
Wait, what? It'll finally be my turn to be the billionaire entrepreneur I was destined to be.
And if you're retiring, you can hold down the fort while I grab capitalism by the balls.
How does that play into my whole big sandwich on a yacht plan? if you unleash me unto the world, [laughs.]
I'm telling you, I will buy you a yacht that says [shouts.]
"Joey" on the side.
I don't know, Jus.
Holding down the fort is not exactly what I wanted.
So let me get this straight.
Your whole career was all about you.
And now, your retirement is all about you too.
When does it become about me? If you really think about it, it's always been about you.
You've been all about me.
Since you're all about me, really, it's all about you.
And I don't get a turn? [audience laughing.]
What you thinking? Hmm.
I'm thinking whether I should dump you in a northbound or southbound ditch.
[audience laughing.]
Okay, everybody.
The reason for this family meeting is because your mother and I have some big news.
I'm retiring.
- What? - Why? What the heck are you doing, Daevon? Hard times coming.
I gotta fatten up! Hard times aren't coming.
We're gonna be just fine.
The reason that I'm retiring is because I figured out on my own, without any pressure from anybody else, that my time is up, and it's time for your mother to get hers.
Oh, is that how it happened? It's all a part of my commitment to feminism and gender equality.
Oh, yeah, come to think of it, they played your song "Booty Slap and Booty Lover" at the Women's March.
[audience laughing.]
Wait, get hers how? What are you gonna do, Mom? You know how I'm always coming up with brilliant, potentially world-changing inventions, but I'm not able to pursue them.
Because you're too busy shopping online? [audience laughing.]
No, because I'm too busy taking care of the family.
But now that your dad's gonna be around more, I'll have the chance to change those ideas into reality.
Starting with Joey, can I get a little drum roll, please? [beat-boxing.]
Okay, that's too much.
No, it ain't.
I was about to kill it [beat-boxes.]
Never mind.
Okay.
What do you get when a fierce modern woman combines her skills as a mother - Hmm.
What do you get? - and a rapper's wife? You get the Hip-Hop Sip-Stop: The world's [shouts.]
only drink lid that keeps you from spilling your drink on a dance floor, so you can shake your butt and it will stay in your cup.
And that's what mama got goin' on.
You know what, Jus? I'ma set you up with some of my business contacts.
- We gonna put you in the biggest stores.
- Thank you, babe, but using your contacts is not how I wanna do it.
Hey, for the record, it is how I wanna do it.
Joey, if you just give this to me, it's not gonna mean anything.
I really gotta do this on my own.
Cool, 'cause I'll be busy holding down the fort anyway, and any problems you kids have, just bring it to Daddy.
And you'll tell Mommy about them? Nope, I'ma handle them, 'cause I'm the world's number one fort holder downer.
Okay, family, meeting adjourned.
I got a lot of work to do.
This prototype cost $200, and I don't think I can sell it at that price point.
Dad, I'm so excited for you.
Me, too.
It's gonna be so cool being retired.
No! Now you get to come listen to my song.
Okay.
Lemme go get something to drink and I'll be right there.
- All right.
- My man.
[hums.]
Oh.
Hey, Sky.
Hey, Dad.
Can I talk to you about something? Can you talk to me about something? Wasn't you in a big family meeting just now? It's about my tutor.
If Calvin can't hang, that's on him.
Maybe we'll get Sheila back.
She should be out of therapy by now.
But that's the thing.
I don't want another homeschool teacher.
I want to go to regular school.
You know the reason why we took you out of regular school because I know, because I'm a genius.
But I'm telling you, if I stay homeschooled much longer, I'm in serious danger of becoming weird.
I've been reading my journal entries, and there have been a lot of red flags.
Skyler I don't wanna be the girl who goes to prom with her brother, and it'll be a homeschool prom, so it'll be even sadder.
But there's a good chance you'll be prom queen.
I just wanna do normal kid stuff.
I want to eat bad cafeteria food and get a bloody nose playing dodgeball and get bullied.
You wanna get bullied? I'd at least like to have that option.
You talk to your mother about this? No, because I know what she'll say.
But I thought now that you're home, you could talk to her and convince her.
Hah, if I was good at convincing your mother of stuff, I'd be test driving yachts right now.
But I'll try.
Thanks, Daddy.
I'm glad you're gonna be around more.
Me, too.
Aww.
You know [sighs.]
Fort holding is better than any Jack Nicholas sandwich in the middle of the ocean.
Wow, talk about red flags.
[audience laughing.]
All right, let's hear this masterpiece, brah.
- You're gonna love it, Dad.
- Okay, I believe you.
I was even thinking you could drop a verse on it.
- You know, I'm technically retired, but - [sighs.]
I should be able to kick a little 16 for the son of [rapping.]
Speed! We can be like, "Son of Son of Son of Son of Speed!" I'm not calling myself that, Dad.
Listen to it on these so you can get the full effect of it.
Okay.
Let's see what we got.
- Ready? - I'm ready.
[hip hop music playing.]
[man rapping gibberish.]
[Joey.]
Oh.
You know what? I left my wet bathing suit inside my suitcase, [clapping.]
and I gotta go handle that, right? You know what I mean, so I'ma get right back at you, and.
.
you know, it was, you know It was, [chuckles.]
yeah, you know [audience laughing.]
I'm telling you, Jus.
You should have heard this record.
It was straight gibberish.
I cannot bring that crap to my label.
Do you know how embarrassed I'd be? Joey, you're just gonna have to tell Wesley how you really feel.
I don't wanna crush the kid.
How can I do that? I know, baby.
Parenting is hard.
What do you think about this for my company's name? Just Inc.
I'm not a marketing specialist, but I don't think you wanna call your company "Jus-stink.
" Just Stink? Okay.
I hear it now.
I wanted to take you out tonight with a couple of your friends for, like, a little retirement dinner.
I'm so happy that you're not so busy taking over the world that you didn't forget about your little Speed-o.
I could never.
Oh, one more thing.
- Yes.
- Skyler does not want a new tutor.
That's okay.
Sheila said she'll come back, as long as she can bring, like, four emotional support animals.
No, you don't understand.
She doesn't want a tutor at all.
She wants to go to regular school.
No way.
Wait a minute.
Hear me out.
It seemed important to her.
Let's talk about this.
Joey, you know we discussed this when she was in the second grade.
Remember how bored she was? She needs that one-on-one attention.
And it's not because you like telling people you have a child that's too smart for regular school? I do like that.
I feel like that mom in Akeelah and the Bee.
[audience laughing.]
But that's not why.
She's thriving in homeschool, and we're doing the right thing.
Just don't rock the boat.
You had to bring up the boat thing.
[audience laughing.]
Ha! Spun on 'em! Didn't care nothing about it.
Then I went "Ooooooooh!" I hit 'em with the Meadowlark Lemon! Who's Meadowlark Lemon? Who's Meadowlark Lemon? What do they teach you in that expensive college I paid for? Computer programming, systems analysis.
But they couldn't take five minutes to teach you about Meadowlark Lemon? He was the star of the Harlem Globetrotters.
Also the father of Don Lemon.
- Is that true? - If you don't Google it, it is.
What's been going on around here? How's Malik? - Things are good.
- Okay.
I mean, there's stuff, right? But It's okay.
I'll just talk to Mom about it.
Was no one listening to me in the family meeting? This is the exact type of stuff you can bring to me now.
Come on, spit it.
Okay.
Well, Malik has this ex girlfriend, Crystal, - Okay.
- and if you ask what she does, she's like, "I'm a pediatric nurse at a free clinic," and it's like, "No one asked you!" She sounds like the worst.
Yeah, and he says they don't talk anymore, but she likes all his social media posts the second he posts them, and it's driving me nuts.
This sounds like jealousy to me.
And Veronica Washington is not a jealous woman.
- I say, you just let It go.
- Really? I mean, I can't tell you what to do, but that's what you should do.
Okay.
Yeah, you're right.
I will go high.
You know who else went high? Meadowlark Lemon.
- It's my turn to play with Dad.
- Okay, he's all yours, Day-Day.
- You good? - Thank you, Dad.
Yeah.
What up, too short? What are we gonna do? Play a little bit of one-on-one, - a little bit of "Horse"? - No, I wanna play budgie ball! What the heck is budgie ball? It's a game I made up.
Me and Mom play it all the time.
You start on the budgie line.
Right there.
Okay.
You say, "Budgie budgie budgie go!" You dribble the ball twice with your right hand.
Twice with your left.
- And then twice with both hands.
- Okay.
- Budgie, budgie - No, no, no! You can't leave the budgie line until you do your dribbles.
- Okay.
Budgie, budgie - No, no, no! Budgie dribble is with your fist.
Is there any point I get to put the ball into the basket? Of course.
Obviously.
- Use the budgie banger.
- Right.
Not like that! That.
- It's nice having Dad back home.
- Yeah.
I missed having him tell me about random people no one knows about.
Who was it this time? Meadowlark Lemon.
Oh, sure.
Don Lemon's dad.
Yeah, and we actually had a conversation about relationships.
- That was a first.
- What did you talk about? Well, Malik has his ex-girlfriend Crystal, and she's always liking his posts.
That is not happening.
Well, Dad told me to let it go.
Let it go? Oh, no.
You let this go, Do you know how this will end? Do you want to end up in a harem with 20 sister wives? I mean, I could use some more female friends.
This is not a joke.
Let me tell you something.
Ex-girlfriends are dangerous.
You're going to have to tell Malik to sever all ties with this girl.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
Veronica, I know relationships.
I've been married to a famous rapper for 30 years.
That's like 60 in regular people years.
[audience laughing.]
Okay, yeah.
I will talk to Malik.
Good, and I'm happy your dad's home too, but don't get all crazy and start listening to him.
I mean, I want you to listen to him, but don't listen to him.
[audience laughing.]
Two hours of budgie ball and I still don't know how to score.
[hip hop music playing.]
Yeah, that's my favorite line right here.
[rapping.]
Really makes you think, man.
Yeah.
Metaphors.
- [Wes laughs.]
- [audience laughing.]
Oh! Dad, what up? Nothing.
Ya'll like this? Yeah.
You too, Sky? I love it, and I'm not a fan of Wesley.
So, what do you think? Will you send it to somebody at your label? Oh, you have to.
This thing's a hit.
I guess if whoever this guy is says it's a hit, I'll do it.
[shouts.]
Yes! Thank you, Dad.
You know what? When you were here the first time, for a second, I thought you weren't feeling the song.
But then I was like, "Nah" [chuckles.]
Oh.
You wanna do your verse right now? It can be whatever you want.
Just as long as it's on the theme of the song.
I mean, I got so many thoughts on the particular theme running around my head.
I'm just gonna take a breather, and [audience laughing.]
I don't know what the particular theme is, like [imitates rhythm.]
- Hey, Dad.
- What's up? Did you talk to Mom yet? 'Cause I've been weatherproofing my school backpack.
It's never had to actually go outside.
I did.
We talked about it and decided we're gonna get you a new tutor.
Oh, okay.
- You all right? - Yeah, have fun at your retirement dinner.
Okay, hold up.
If it makes you feel any better, I'll give you some lunch money and jack you for it.
[audience laughing.]
[rap music playing.]
I just thought the point of rap music was the lyrics you're rapping.
Oh, so "Macaroni and da Cheese" from your third album was so deep? At least you understood what I was saying.
The rhymes was incredible, like, "Yo, homes, before you get to mack it, you gotta put the cheese from the cheesy cheese packet.
" [beat-boxes.]
- Joey, Joey, Joey.
- Yee-ha! - Baby, maybe you're just out of touch.
- I'm not out of touch.
This is my Okay, it's my retirement dinner.
Let's go have a good night.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- Calm down.
I'm calm.
- Whassup?! - Hey! How are you? - My man.
- Hey, guys.
How are you? From rap star to nap star in one easy step.
Yeah, right, dude.
Ha ha! I get you.
What up, baby? I never thought I would see the day when Joey Washington would be retired.
But after you started droppin' that mic, I knew that was an arthritis flare-up.
All that swag from a couple of t-shirts you sold, huh? Brr! It's a little chilly in here.
Can you get my coat from the car, sweetie? - Sure, baby.
I'll be right back.
- [laughs.]
Baby? Ha! - I'm retired from rap, not from slap.
- [laughing.]
Okay.
Oh, God, you're crazy.
[sighs.]
You ever go into a club with your crew, spend $15 on a drink, only to spill half of it on a dance floor? - What's happening here? - I do not know.
There's got to be a better way.
Introducing the Hip Hop Sip Stop.
I guess I was done with that, huh? [hip hop music playing.]
No wet clothes, no sticky sticky floor and no booze to lose.
And that's what mama got going on.
Justine, you know I always thought you were crazy, right? I do.
But there is a thin line between crazy and genius, Okay.
- and I actually think this is a good idea.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, my goodness.
Thank you so much.
And don't worry.
I won't ask you to put me on Shark Tank or anything because I respect you.
Thank you for that.
Instead, can you hand out free samples at Fashion Week? That would be hot.
You know what? Let me take a closer look at this.
- I'm telling you, it'll sell.
- What are you all looking at? Thank you.
Damn.
I knew I should have parked further away.
Justine was just talking to Daymond about passing this out at Fashion Week.
You know, like a shot girl.
Like, a really ugly shot girl.
Un-freakin'- believable.
So that's what this dinner was all about.
Here I am thinking that you're trying to do something nice for me, but really, it was all about you.
But if you think about it, you're all about me and I'm all about you Don't try it.
Why don't we go somewhere? You know, I think I wanna chill out here and see how this plays out.
Excuse me, chips and guac please.
[audience laughing.]
I don't see why you so mad.
Are you serious? You went behind my back, you lied, and you manipulated me.
Joey, we've been married for 30 years.
Name one day I didn't lie and manipulate you.
And that's your defense? Ha! Oh, you mad 'cause I stole your spotlight.
It's not my fault, Joey.
I don't choose to be interesting.
I just am.
[audience laughing.]
You know what the problem is? I'ma tell you what the problem is.
I love you too much.
[shouts.]
That's what the problem is, Jus.
- What the hell did you just say? - I said I love you too much.
- Did you just do the neck thing? - What? Joey, I invented the neck thing, and I love you more than you love me.
No, actually, I love you more than you love me.
Joey, you might be right.
[audience laughing.]
What's going on? Talk to me.
Tell me what this is all about, for real.
It's like all these changes going on around here, and I don't know what the deal is.
You say you don't want my help, and then you go hit up my friends.
Wesley! Everybody's loving his song, and it sounds like straight doo-doo.
I really want to beat Daevon at budgie ball, but I don't know how to budgie serve.
That's easy.
You just put the racket in betw That's not the point.
The main thing is, I don't know what you want from me.
You say you want me to help you on some homefront stuff, and I try to help you out with Skyler.
- And you don't want to listen! - Look, Joey, it's just that I handled the kids stuff on my own for all these years.
It's not about not wanting to listen to you.
It's about having more experience in making these decisions, and I just don't want you making mistakes.
[knock on door.]
Can I come in? Yeah, come on in, baby.
What's going on, baby girl? Malik and I just got in a huge fight.
I told him he had to unfriend Crystal, and he got so mad at me.
He said he can't control what his ex-girlfriend does online, and why was I acting so jealous.
Why was you acting so jealous? That's the exact opposite of what I told you to do.
[audience laughing.]
Um, I may have steered her somewhat in that general direction.
What? Joey, how was I supposed to know your advice was actually gonna be good? Unbelievable.
You know what you need to do? Call Malik and apologize.
And tell him that you trust him.
'Cause trust is the most important thing in a relationship.
Okay, I will.
And because this seems like it's not totally about me anymore, I'm just gonna [audience laughing.]
Yeah.
Thank you, guys.
What's that about me making mistakes? Joey, you know that was some serious beginner stuff right there.
Come again? All right.
You were right about Veronica.
Could it be possible I was right about Skyler, too? No, I don't know about that.
You raised a really sensible girl.
I think you need to hear her out.
- All right, we'll try it.
- Great! - She's gonna be so happy.
- I know.
I just hope you're ready to provide that school with a buttload of emotional support animals.
- Hey, Skyler! - Yeah? Ow! Joey, I told you this was a bad idea.
What the heck was that? It was a dodgeball, but I didn't expect it to hit you in the face.
This was a cute way of your mother and I telling you that you're going to regular school.
Well, it really hurt.
Wait, what? I'm going to regular school? - Yes, you're going to regular school.
- Thank you so much, Daddy! This was something your mother and I decided on together.
- Wasn't just me.
- Then thank you too, Mom.
It was just me.
[audience laughing.]
All right, you ready to work some magic? Born ready, son.
Go! Drop it! - All right.
Hop in when you feel it.
- I'ma feel it now! - [hip hop music playing.]
- Sneak up on it first.
Ease back.
[audience laughing.]
[rapping gibberish.]
Dad? Dad, Dad, Dad! What are you doing? - I was killing it.
- That's just gibberish.
We can't understand anything you're saying.
That was just pure doo-doo.
Joey, get out my way.
Let me show you how it's done, son.
All right, let's do this.
Ha ha! I ain't new to this.
Hit the track, Wes.
All right.
[rapping gibberish.]
See that, Dad? Now that is more like it.
- That is so profound, Mom.
- Thank you, baby.
I hope I get to study poetry like that in school.
My boo-boo.
I don't believe this.
I don't mean to pile on, but you're also really bad at budgie ball.
[makes farting sound.]
Ah! This dude.
All about the Washingtons It's like this, y'all [theme rap music playing.]
[theme music playing.]