All In The Family s01e01 Episode Script

[ Announcer .]
From television city in Hollywood.
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days Gloria, I hurried back.
Good.
You can take out the garbage.
Garbage is not exactly what I had in mind.
Come here.
No, not now, Michael.
Why not ? I want everything ready for when the folks get back from church.
It's different, isn't it ? An anniversary brunch.
Your mother'll love it, but your father, he doesn't care about anniversaries.
You had to pick out the present for him to give to your mother, I had to get the card, and he doesn't know about any of this.
What do you think he's gonna do when he finds out ? He'll have a fit.
But then, he wouldn't get her anything, and it'll make mom's day.
What are you running away from me ? Come here.
[ Giggling .]
Gloria.
Gloria, we have been living with your folks since we're married.
We don't get the house alone much.
Oh, we're not alone.
Lionel's upstairs.
Lionel ? Why ? He's fixing the portable tv for dad.
[ Groans .]
He's gonna take the present, get some fresh-cut flowers and deliver them together, just to make it more romantic.
Set's good as new, Gloria.
How's it goin', Mike ? Hey, Lionel.
[ Gloria .]
I'll get the present.
So what's new on campus with all you angry, white social democrats ? Oh, we're shakin' 'em up.
Okay.
Hey, uh, where's your father-in-law ? He's at church.
Good.
Why ? Is he still givin' you a hard time ? I'm used to him by now.
You know his latest kick ? Askin' me what I'm gonna be when I get to college.
He likes to hear me say, "I'm gon' be a 'lectrical engineer.
" -You say that for him ? -Give the people what they want.
How else do I get to become an electrical engineer ? Okay, Lionel, here's the present and the card.
And mom likes just about any kind of flowers.
Will a dollar be enough ? Where I get my flowers, this represents a buck profit.
Hey, see you.
Yeah.
Bye, Lionel.
See ya, Lionel.
All right, now, Michael, promise me something.
For today, for their 22nd anniversary, no fighting with daddy, okay ? Okay.
Thank you.
No, not now.
I don't have any time.
They don't get out of church till 11:30.
It's a ten-minute walk.
We got time to spare.
Not now, Michael.
I've got too much on my mind.
It's one little thing more.
It's not gonna hurt.
We have to be downstairs to yell "surprise !" They'll be downstairs.
Let them yell "surprise !" For their own anniversary ? Come here.
If you don't like what I do, what do you bring me there for ? I'm not gonna quarrel with ya, Archie.
This may be the fourth time in 22 years you've been to church with me, so I'm grateful for the half a sermon we sat through.
Half a sermon was plenty.
He said all I wanted to hear.
And I been to church more than 4 times in 22 years too.
Well, maybe it's six times.
Seven, if you want to include the time we was married in church.
Look, I don't wanna make no world war III out of this.
What do you call all this ? The table's all set, with the good glasses and all.
Oh ! It's for our anniversary.
Look, Archie.
Gloria and Mike, they've made us a brunch.
A what ? A brunch.
A brunch.
It figures.
She's readin' Cosmopolitan again.
[ Giggles .]
Hi ! You're early.
So are you.
We were just gonna go sit down over there.
Yeah, I'll bet.
Edith.
[ Together .]
happy anniversary to you happy anniversary to you happy anniversary dear mom and dad dear mom and daddy happy anniversary to you oh, my.
Archie, ain't this nice ? Yeah.
Five minutes more, we woulda got it remote from the bedroom.
Gee, mom.
Would you tell him it's normal ? Oh, Archie.
Why do you wanna pick on 'em when you just had such a nice surprise ? They was the ones that had the surprise.
Used to be the daylight hours was reserved for the respectable things of life.
Certain things are no different now than they ever were.
What are you talkin' about ? In my day-- get your feet off that furniture ! In my day, we was able to keep certain things In the proper "suspective.
" Take keepin' company, for instance.
When your mother-in-law and me was going together, it was two whole years-- we never-- I nev-- I mean, there was nothin'.
I mean, absolutely nothin'.
Not till the wedding night.
Yeah.
And even then-- here we are.
We have orange juice in here, then go in there for brunch.
My, my.
How fancy.
[ Chuckles .]
All right, all right.
Leave it there, huh ? Cosmopolitan.
Oh, daddy, stop it.
I think it's very today.
That's right.
The in crowd never has a whole meal in one room anymore.
Well, that's what they say.
You're a pip.
You know that ? A real pip.
You're married So talk real nice to mom, okay ? Listen, little girl, you just go on and mind your own beeswax.
Heh ? And pull that skirt down.
Every time you sit down in one of them things, the mystery's over.
What the hell is it nowadays ? Will you tell me ? Girls with skirts up to here, guys with hair down to there.
I stopped in the gents' room the other day.
So help me, there was a guy in there with a ponytail.
My heart nearly turned over in me.
I thought I was in the wrong toilet.
Why fight it ? The world's changing.
That's right.
That's what the reverend feltcher was sayin'.
You two shoulda heard him.
Of course, Mr.
religion here wasn't seein' eye-to-eye with the sermon.
What sermon ? That was socialist propaganda, pure and simple.
And don't give me that look.
You didn't think it was so hot neither.
I said it was different, that's all, but I didn't curse the reverend from right in the front pew.
He never heard me.
Besides, I ain't sittin' still for no preacher tellin' me That I'm to blame for all this breakdown in law and order that's goin' on.
Why not ? We're all to blame for not paying attention to the cause of it.
I'll tell you the cause of it-- these sob sisters like your reverend feltcher And the bleedin' hearts and weepin' nellies like youse two.
Like us ? I think we'd better eat now.
No, no, wait a second.
It's you.
Me ? Yeah, that's right, you, the property owner, with your 24-inch tvs and your four-slice toasters and ice-makin' refrigerators.
That's all you care about, Archie, is what you got and how you can keep it.
Well, you'd care about it, too, Sonny boy, if you had anything, if you wasn't livin' off of me without a pot to peel a potato in.
Wait a second.
You're the one who said I could stay here while I was in school.
I thought it was gonna be for a year while you learned a trade or somethin'.
I didn't think you was gonna wind up in college learnin' how to be a subversive.
That's ridic-- I just wanna learn a little bit about society so I can help people.
People ? Your mother-in-law and me is people.
Help us, will ya.
Go to work.
I know what's bothering you.
You're upset because I was nailing you on that law-and-order thing.
You nailin' me ? Yeah, that's right.
Now I'm gonna tell you something.
Michael.
I know I promised, but I gotta say this.
You know why we got a breakdown in law and order in this country, Archie ? Because we got poverty.
Real poverty.
You know why we got that ? Because guys like you are unwilling to give the black man, the Mexican-American And all the other minorities their just and hard-earned share of the American dream.
Who said he wasn't smart ? That's beautiful, Michael.
Beautiful.
Oh, that's gorgeous.
Now let me tell you somethin'.
If your spicks and your spades want their rightful share of the American dream, let 'em get out there and hustle for it just like I done.
But you're forgetting one thing.
You didn't have to hustle with black skin.
I didn't have to hustle with one arm and one leg neither.
So what ? So you're admitting that the black man is handicapped.
Oh, no, no more than me.
He's just as good as me.
I suppose the black man has had the same opportunity in this country as you.
More.
He's had more.
I didn't have no million people marchin' and protestin' to get me my job.
No, his Uncle got it for him.
All I'm sayin' is, don't blame me ! You and that reverend bleedin' heart feltcher Up there in his ivory shower.
Now, that's enough, talking about a man of the cloth that way.
God could punish you for that.
- God ? What God ? - Yeah, what God ? What was that ? Did you hear him ? Did you hear her ? What was that remark, Sonny ? We'd better eat now.
I wanna know what you meant by "what God ?" It's nothin', Archie.
You need God.
So forget it.
That's no way to talk on the sabbath, Mike.
Stifle, Edith.
That's no way to talk to your father-in-law either.
Edith, I told you-- I mean, Sunday is a day of peace and rest.
Edith, will you stifle.
Archie, we're all hungry.
Will you stifle ! Don't touch nothin' ! Nobody eats nothin' around here until we get this thing straight.
Now, Sonny boy, you made a certain referential remark there A minute or so ago Along the following lines-- "what God ?" You said.
And I heard your wife, my flesh and blood, repeat it.
So let's hear it again.
What did you mean by "what God ?" We just don't see any evidence of God, that's all.
That's right, daddy.
[ Mocking .]
"That's right, daddy.
" Well, I knew we had a couple of pinkos in this house, but I didn't know we had atheists ! Did you know that, Edith, that we had a pair of atheists under this roof ? Well, maybe if we could just eat a little somethin'-- will you stifle, you silly dingbat ! I don't want no more arguments.
We are not arguin'.
We're discussin'.
I don't care what you call it.
It's still arguing.
We're having what we always have around here-- a discussion.
I don't see the difference.
That's 'cause you're a dingbat.
And get that ridiculous hat off your head ! Will you stay out of this.
So long as you don't argue.
Edith, stay the hell out of this ! Aaah ! What's the matter ? Get away from me, you meathead ! It's all your fault ! You nearly burnt the hand off me ! Well, what did he do ? He helps himself to coffee, then he turns the handle around the other way.
Oh, daddy, he didn't do it on purpose.
Well, let me see.
It really hurts, huh ? Yeah.
Right about in there ? Yeah.
You know what I think we oughta do ? What do you think ? I think we oughta eat.
Give me over the ketchup there.
Ketchup on eggs ? Daddy, really.
"Daddy, really" has been eatin' ketchup on eggs Since before you was born, little girl.
So don't let it concern ya, huh ? [ Burps .]
Oh, Archie, that's terrible.
Well, who's for more eggs ? Sure I can't help you, dear ? Not today, mom.
Today you sit.
If I need any help, Michael can do it.
It won't do him no harm, neither.
The last time I seen him liftin' a hand around here, he was testin' his deodorant.
Mom ! Oh, Archie, leave him alone.
What do you want from me ? I don't have time to do anything.
I'm studying six hours, I'm in class six hours.
Going to college is hard work.
For you, it's like buildin' the pyramids.
All that sociology and studyin' that welfare stuff, I don't call that no hard work.
Oh, daddy, leave him alone.
I think it's beautiful that Michael wants to help the underprivileged.
Listen, if he wants to help the underprivileged, let him start with himself.
He's got no brains, no ambition.
If that ain't underprivileged, I don't know what is.
That's it ! Mother, we're moving out of here.
I'm not gonna stay in this house another minute to see my husband insulted like that ! Archie, say you're sorry.
If she leaves here, she'll be dead inside a year.
You don't have to worry.
They ain't goin' nowhere.
You don't know what it is.
She can't be cleanin' an apartment And cookin' and marketing.
Why, Dr.
feinstein says she's anemic.
Don't give me that.
For ten bucks, some of these doctors'll tell you anything you want to hear.
He's the best there is when it comes to blood.
My cousin from the hospital said so.
Your cousin from the hospital empties bedpans.
Don't make him out no specialist.
I know what Dr.
feinberg said.
Feinstein.
Feinstein.
Feinberg.
It all comes to the same thing, and I know that tribe.
I'm tellin' you, Archie, them kids don't leave this house Until Mike can provide for her proper.
[ Sighs .]
Oh, boy.
Four years before I even begin to make a living.
It seems like forever.
Let me tell you, Sonny boy, the same thought crosses my mind at least once a day.
Mom-- Gloria, you married the laziest white man I ever seen.
All right, it's bad enough you gotta make fun of me.
You don't have to make it worse by attacking a whole race.
Who's attackin' a whole race ? You are.
You just said I was the laziest white man you ever met.
What's the matter with that ? "White man you ever met.
" - Yeah, you.
- Implying that the blacks are even lazier.
Wait a minute, meathead.
You said that, not me.
I never said your black beauties was lazy.
It's just their systems is geared a little slower than the rest of us, that's all.
- Come on ! - You don't believe me, look it up.
There's just no fighting this prejudice.
There's no hope for him.
No hope at all.
I'm not prejudiced.
Any man deserves my respect, he's gonna get it regardless of his color.
What do you call 'em "black beauties" for ? Now, that's where I got you, Mr.
liberal.
Because there's a black guy that works down at the building with me, and he's got a bumper sticker on his car that says, "black is beautiful.
" So what's the matter with "black beauties" ? It's nicer than when he called 'em "coons.
" [ Doorbell rings .]
I'll get it.
If "black beauties" is kosher with them, it's kosher with me.
Hey, Lionel.
Come on in.
How's it goin' ? In a way, we were just talking about you.
Oh, Michael ! Yeah, yeah, talkin' about prejudice.
I'm glad you're here, Lionel.
Yes, sir, Mr.
bunker.
These are for you, Mrs.
bunker, a present from an admirer.
For me ? Oh, my goodness ! Oh, I ain't had a present for ten years ! Gee, I wonder who it's from.
There's somethin' I wanna ask you, Lionel.
Let her open her gift first.
She's waited ten years.
Another minute ain't gonna kill her.
Come here, Lionel.
I wanna ask your opinion on somethin'.
When you first started doin' odd jobs around the neighborhood, one of the first guys to throw a little work your way-- by the way, did you fix the tv ? Sure did, Mr.
bunker.
That's swell.
Good boy.
Here, put that in your pocket.
Cheaper than a repairman, believe me.
Is anybody talkin' to you ? Now, Lionel, you could say, by throwin' you these little jobs, that I was helpin' you get some money so you could go to college and become-- a 'lectrical engineer ! Yeah ! You hear that ? - Ask your question already.
- Keep your drawers on.
By the way, that's a nice suit you got on.
It's classy.
It's different.
It's quiet.
Where'd you get it ? Up in Harlem.
No ! I got two more, but one's yellow with stripes, the other's purple with checks.
You know, for when I'm with my people.
Well, anyway, Lionel, uh, I would say that you know me pretty good.
Wouldn't you ? Oh, yes, sir, I got a bead on you, all right.
I know you real good.
Good, good.
Okay, all right, let's get to the point.
What he wants to know is if you think he's prejudiced.
Prejudiced ? Yeah.
Against who ? Against black people.
Against black people ? Mr.
bunker ? Why, that's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.
There ! You see that, wise guy ? [ Laughs .]
You thought you knew him, you thought you knew me.
Oh, these liberals, they're supposed to be so sensitive, you know.
I'll tell you where this guy is sensitive, Lionel-- right in his tuckus.
Uh, where ? It's a yiddish word.
It means-- uh, I know where it's at.
Uh, I was just wondering, Mr.
bunker, what's with the Jewish word ? Ah, well, I hear them.
We got a couple of hebes workin' down at the building.
Does he use words like that very often ? Now and then.
I told ya, I work with a couple of Jews.
Uh, beggin' your pardon, Mr.
bunker, but you wouldn't happen to be one of them, would you ? What ? Well, people don't use Jewish words just like that, do they, Mike ? No, not in my experience.
Maybe people don't, but I do, and I ain't no yid.
Come to think of it, when your father was visiting last year, wasn't his name Davey-- - my father's name was David.
- Right.
And what was your mother's name ? It was Sarah.
Yeah, my mother's name was Sarah.
So what ? Uh, David and Sarah.
Two Jewish names.
David and Sarah-- two names right out of the Bible.
Which has got nothin' to do with the Jews.
Now, you don't want-- you don't wanna get uptight about it, Mr.
bunker.
There's nothing to be ashamed of, being Jewish.
But I ain't Jewish ! Look at that.
See the way he uses his hands when he argues ? Huh ? Very semitic gesture.
What do you know about it, you dumb polack ? All right.
All right.
I'm a polack.
You sure are.
You're a polack joke.
But I don't mind, though.
I'm Polish.
I'm proud of it.
There you are, Mr.
bunker.
You oughta be proud you're Jewish.
But I ain't Jewish ! I didn't know you was Jewish.
What the hell are you talkin' about ? You, of all people, should know that I ain't Jewish.
You are talkin' with your hands.
You see, the Jews tend to be emotional.
Now, listen to me, Lionel.
I'm gonna give you this once more, and that's all.
I am not Jewish.
Yes, sir, Mr.
bunker.
But even if you are, it doesn't change things between you and me.
I'm not gonna throw away nine years of friendship over a little thing like that.
So long, everybody.
[ Gloria, Mike .]
Bye, Lionel.
Well, I hate a smart-aleck kid, and I don't care what color he is.
Well, I think I'll go lay down and watch a little tv.
Wait, daddy.
Mom hasn't opened her gift yet.
Open it now, mom.
Yeah, go ahead, ma.
I can't believe it.
Look, my hands are shaking.
Oh ! Oh, my ! Lace hankies.
Look, Gloria.
Two beautiful lace hankies.
Is that all ? Don't you wanna know who it's from ? Yeah, sit down, daddy.
Come on.
There's a card there, mom.
Open it.
Those are the most beautiful hankies.
That's real lace.
And flowers.
I've just never seen such-- oh, my glory.
Come on, Edith.
Who are they from ? They're from you, Archie.
[ Coughing .]
I can't hardly believe it.
I ain't seen an anniversary gift from you since the first year.
- Pound his back, Mike.
- Keep away from me, meathead.
Keep away from me.
You know what I'm gonna do ? I'm gonna try using one.
You know, see how I look with it.
Some people don't look natural with fancy things.
Oh, you look wonderful, mom ! Perfectly natural.
Just don't blow in it.
It'll go right through.
Oh, Archie, I just don't know what to say.
Except thank you, sweetheart.
Oh, I do thank you, Archie dear.
All right, all right, Edith.
You're gettin' me all wet.
Read the card.
Oh.
Archie.
[ Giggles .]
I'll bet it's a hallmark.
Well, pretty near.
Oh, there's a verse inside.
"Together.
" Ohh.
"Through all the years I've been with you, "we've had our ups and downs, 'tis true.
"But life with us has just begun.
"We've yet to have all of our fun.
As long as we're together.
" What are you lookin' at ? "And when, my dear, we're old and gray, "and life for us is sunny weather, "we'll look back on our lives and say, it's been a gay, gay lark together.
" All right, all right.
Come on, will youse.
The anniversary party's over.
Why don't youse all get busy and clean up the mess.
Them eggs over there is startin' to "foment.
" Oh, Archie, I-- I just don't know what to say.
That was so beauti-- ohh.
Hey, do you have to always be doin' that ? It's as if she was a hamburger.
Mom ! The card kinda got to you, huh ? - What do you mean ? It got to your mother-in-law.
- No, no, it got to you too.
- I never knew you were so soft and sentimental.
- You don't know much anyhow.
I wanna tell you somethin' about yourself.
You are a person of very little quality.
You got no appreciation for some of your finer things.
What-- Archie, we're talking about a greeting card.
They got some damn good writers writin' for them cards.
Come on.
Some of your best song lyrics come right off them cards ! All right ! What are you gettin' so excited about ? It's a greeting card.
It's not like you wrote the thing.
No, I didn't write it.
But who had the good taste to pick it out ? Aw, go on, will ya, meathead.
[ Archie .]
boy, the way Glenn Miller played [ Edith .]
songs that made the hit parade [ Archie .]
guys like us we had it made [ Archie, Edith .]
those were the days